know that hoard of gold is ahead!
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Spells for
Everyone:
Part II
Incredible nonmagical spells
anyone can use!
by Alan Webster
Sooner or later, all gamers are faced
with the question: “Well, what the
@*#%&! do we do now?” For some rea-
son, none of their spells work, their magi-
cal items are useless, and their extra-
ordinary abilities aren’t all they’re cracked
up to be. In the past, in situations like this,
players were forced to think. With the
publication of this article, however, this
dreadful possibility may be averted.
Why? Because these nonmagical spells
are now available for ready reference.
Anyone, no matter how bad the situation,
may use these spells, and it is doubtful
that anyone would want to unless the
situation seemed hopeless anyway. So,
what have you go to lose? Clasp your
hands, fall to your knees, and prepare
to cast!
Oh, but first, please note that this article
is based upon “Spells for everyone,” an
article by L. Creede Lambard and Jerry
Stoddard, from the April 1983 issue of
DRAGON® Magazine (#72), which explains
the title. As noted four years ago, anything
dumb enough to believe in the effects of
these spells deserves what he/she/it gets.
Range, area of effect, etc., are all mostly
irrelevant, except as noted within the spell
descriptions. These spells are called “½-
level” spells because they are less power-
ful than first-level spells but better than no
spells at all. We now return you to your
regularly scheduled spell-casting.
Air-Water-Fire Walk ½: These spells
have only one purpose, which is to get rid
of unwanted associates. Example of use:
“Don’t worry about that (bottomless pit,
10 APRIL 1987
lava flow, flash flood). I’ll just cast an (air,
fire, water) walk ½ on you. Mumble mum-
ble — there! Off you go!”
Alarm ½: When cast, this spell immedi-
ately sensitizes all those within the area of
effect (hearing distance) to the probability
of danger. The material component is a set
of vocal chords, and the verbal compo-
nents are the words “Help! Danger!
Aaaaaaaagh!” repeated loudly and often.
Detect Life ½: The caster grasps the
wrist of the creature in question and holds
it for 15 seconds. If the spell-caster is
attacked by the creature in question dur-
ing this time, the thing is alive. If not, the
caster should turn to his companions and
utter the dreadful words: “He’s dead, Jim!
Detect Poison ½: One of the most
reliable spells of the lot, this spell is per-
formed by placing a piece of suspect food
or material in the mouth of an unwilling
hireling. There is seldom any doubt
whether the casting was successful or not.
Dream ½: Strangely, fighters seem to
be the most apt to fall prey to this spell.
What usually happens is this: The fighter
has just described what he believes is a
brilliant plan, in which he and his five
companions can fight their way through
the City of Brass, slay a death knight rid-
ing a huge, ancient, red dragon, and res-
cue a fair maiden from the clutches of a
demi-lich and his younger brother, a vam-
pire archmage. At this point, his friends
shake their heads and inform the fighter
that he is under the influence of this spell.
“In your dream ½ Bob.”
Find Traps ½: This spell is almost
infallible. Its material components are
brave adventurers blundering blindly
ahead of the caster, while the verbal com-
ponents are usually along the line of “I just
going, you guys, while I watch the rear!”
The material components are usually but
not always destroyed in the casting.
Fly ½: This spell is best held in reserve
for a time when the character is in really
deep, serious trouble near a cliff or shaft.
To cast this spell, take a running start, flap
your arms, utter a plea to the ancient god
of flight Jurronimoe (Oriental characters
might well call on Bonn-zie), and jump. If
you do not begin an immediate plunging
descent, it worked.
Haste ½: Since haste ½ makes waste, a
decision was made to exclude the descrip-
tion of this spell, as characters are quite
good at wasting things (like time, money,
monsters, and each other) without it.
Mind Blank ½: This is not so much a
spell as the state of mind adopted by most
fighters. The verbal component is a simple
“Duuuuh.”
Move Earth ½: The components of
this spell are a shovel, a strong back, and a
mind blank ½. This is very useful in
trench and tunnel creation.
Neutralize Poison ½: After success-
fully casting detect poison ½, it’s a good
idea to follow it with this spell. The so-
matic component is formed by placing the
index finger of one hand as far down the
throat as possible — though not someone
else’s throat. Let them cast their own
spells.
Smucker’s Transformation ½: Upon
being faced with the threatening prospect
of imminent annihilation, the caster turns
into a quivering mass of spineless jelly.
Speak with Animals-Plants-Stone-
Monsters-Dead ½: The spell-caster may
speak to any of the aforementioned crea-
tures or things. However, it is unlikely in
the extreme that he or she will receive a
reply — or, in the event that an answer is
forthcoming, that the caster really wants
to hear what the (violently annoyed) object
has to say.
Spell Immunity ½: This spell is iden-
tical to air-water-fire walk ½ in its uses.
For example: “Don’t worry about those
fireballs. I’ll cast fireball immunity ½ on
you.”
Water Breathing ½: This spell is very
handy when the caster is suddenly sub-
merged into a large quantity of liquid. The
somatic gestures consist of vigorous
thrashing motions, performed while voic-
ing the verbal components “Glug! Glug!”
The spell duration is something less than
one melee round.
Wish ½: This is it. The Big One. THE
spell. Everyone knows how to cast it, and
everyone is familiar with its myriad forms:
such castings as “I wish ½ I’d memorized
feather fall,” or “I wish ½ I had a weapon
that could hit this golem,” or even “I wish
½ I hadn’t let you talk me into this.”