10 SUNGERS BOUNCERS 11

ALL Bollocks! Eric Money?

(The actors nodessine the lads getting ready for the big night Jupp Double check.
oui.) Les Condoms?
Eric Baz, that is it. Friday night, fit for a fight. Get down Erıc Checkaroonie.
there. Have a skinful. Might have a Chinese, or a
chicken-in-the-basket. Maybe a hot-dog. Mightriskit. Jupp Breath?
Got my dole money saved up. Try and pull some (They all breathe out and try and smell their own breath.)
skirt. Give her a pup.
ALL Ugh! Beer should drown that.
RALPH Pza looking cool. I’m looking great. Wish 1 didn't
have that spot. (He squeezes an imaginary spot.) Gotcha!! Jupp Right. That's it then. We're ready. Catch the bus at
Blackheads. Slap some Clearasil on my face. Not bad, the end of our street.
Jerry. Not bad at all, mate. RALPH Ding ding.
Eric Hope 1 don't get stabbed again. Les Fares please.
Jupp “Time, is it? Eric Bollocks.
Les Jesus Christ... Jupp Get down town to start the pub crawl. When we get
RALPH Ten to seven. there it’s packed already. I see me mates. Baz, Jerry
an’ Kev an’ me into the Taverners.
Les Gonna be late.
(During the following sequence the lads attempt to get served.
RarLpn Time for another quick check. Their actions should convey the bustling, pushy atmosphere of
(They all siand in a row and check the various parts oftheir a pub.)
bodies.) Four pints, please!
Eric Hair? (as they down the first pint of the evening) ONE!!
Les Check. Course I’m eighteen.
Jupp Tie? Get some crisps.
Les Check. Four bagsof beef.
ERIC Aftershave? Cliff Richard uses this. Lookat tits on that.
ALL (sing) Got myself a sleeping walking... (to audience) Social comment.
RALPH Check. Four pints, pal.
Eric Tale on genitals? TWO!!
Les Check. Hey, who’s pushing?
Eric Clean underpants? Are you being served?
RALPH Well... Hey up, bastard.
Les They’ll do. Four morepints, pal.
12 BOUNCERS
BOUNCERS
13
ALL THREE!! Jupp How many have we had?
Jupp Got any pork scratchings? RALPH Ten.
Eric Hey, watch me shirt. Jupp Timefor another.
RALPH Look who’s pushing? Eric I’ve only had nine.
Packed in’t it? RALPH Are we off?
Les
Eric
Jupp Let me get to them bogs. D’ you think we’ll get in?
Jupp Should do.
Eric Excuse me.
Les Hopethere’s no trouble.
RALPH Four pints.
Eric There’s four ofus.
ALL FOUR!!
ALL Yeah.
Jupp And a whisky, love, please. RALPH Come on. Let’s get down
there, pick something up.
ALL FIVE!! Right.
ERIC Excuse me, love. ALL Right.
Les I gave you fiver. Eric Hang on.
Les What?
Jupp Fat gett.
Eric Piss call.
RALPH Four pints, four bags of beef, four bags of salted
peanuts and four whisky chasers. ALL Ob yeah.
ALL SIX!! SEVEN!! (They all turn their backs as ifpe
eing and then turn back to
Jace the audience.)
Jupp Have you got any cashews?
Jupp We’d better split up.
Eric Hey twat, I’ve been stood here a month.
Les Why?
Les Can we have some service down here?
Jupp The Bouncers.
RALPH I’m next, love. Eric Don't let you in. In groups.
ERIC Shut your mouth, skullhead. RALPH OK. Me and Kev. Right.
Jupp I’m being served, love, thanks. Jupp Yeah. And meand.. -(realisin
g who he’s parred off with.)
(The four lads recoil as they see beer spill all over Eric Ob shit!
[Baz] ’s trousers.) (Just as they are about to move awa
y they allfreeze. Pause.
Eric Oooooh! Lookat that. Somebody’s spilt beer all over They once more become the girls we
saw earlier in the
my suit. hairdresser sequence. Eric [Maure
en], Les [Rosrel],
Juno [ELa mel, and Raton [Suzy] all stan
Jupp Daft gett. circle having a laugh and a drin d together in a
k in a pub. They are all
Eric It’s brand new. dressed upp in their brand new cloth
es ready for the night out.
This should be communicated to
LES Ill dry. the audience through their
actions. They introduce themselves
one by one.)