DEQUIÑA, PRINCESS JANE C.

BEED 3-2

“FOR THE FIRST TIME, I GET TO CHOOSE”

Being the eldest in the family is a big responsibility for every person who is born first. Some say
it was a blessing, and some say it was a curse. Some can be thankful for being first because they
get to have all the things and love around them, but others are not happy about it because you get
nothing but responsibility, pressure, and a lot of hands-down problems from your family. And I
am the one who experienced having the biggest responsibility: having to deal with traumatizing
fights between my mom and dad, having to be the one taking care of my brother whenever my
mom leaves us while my dad is chasing him because of their unending fights, and last but not
least, having to deal with all the thoughts, questions, and silent cries that I have to keep to
myself.

Growing up as an “ate” in our household is like being a mother without having the experience of
carrying a baby in my stomach, or for me, having no choice but to accept that. I got to be called
“ate” for the first time when I was 5 years old, and back then I didn’t really get to have my
parents’ full attention because my dad was having his training for the military and my mom was
abroad working when I was only 11 months old, so I didn’t really grow up in their care but in my
aunt’s care, for which I was still grateful until now because they treated me like their own kid.
And it was so hard because, at first, I was confused about why I needed to stay by my brother's
side while he was sleeping and that my mom would get that chance to eat her lunch or dinner,
and I was slightly furious because I wanted to eat with my mom too. And as a child, I am kind of
sad because I need to eat on my own and have to take care of my own food. And also, there are a
lot of instances in my past wherein I need to sacrifice things that I think some would think that it
is a small thing but for me, as a child it means a lot to me like the things where I need to give up
my favorite drumstick chicken at Jollibee for my brother because I am the so called “ate” so I
need to be understanding and give my favorite piece of chicken, and when we go shopping I
shouldn’t be too childish in terms of the thing we need to buy in short if my brother gets a new
toy i shouldn’t be jealous because we are limiting our budget so there is no budget for me to have
toys but just clothes for Christmas party which was sad for my side because I was a kid also like
I also want to experience play with a doll toy and not just paper dolls that I drew on my papers.
And back then, I didn’t have the money to buy myself those things that I wanted as a kid. I also
remember that I needed to take my brother with me whenever I had places to go or whenever I
wanted to go to my friends to have a quick play with them or to chitchat with them. I just needed
to take care of my brother every time. And I don’t have a choice but to be understanding and
someone who is reliable for my parents.
That is why now that my brother is also growing up, which is a good thing for me, and I am
happy for that, there are a lot of things that I am free to do from him. Like I can now choose my
favorite piece of chicken, I can now have my own time and time for my friends without my
brother around me. And the thing that I want to experience ever since, even though I sometimes
think that my reason is shallow, is that I also think that I am healing my childhood pains from
being deprived of having myself choose the things that I want. That is why, whenever I have the
chance and I have the money for it, I always get myself material things that a woman needs
without having the permission of my parents and without thinking that I don’t need them because
I can now buy some things with my own money that I earned from my side hustles. So, I think
that every time I do things for myself, I can’t help but be happy because, for the first time, I get
to choose the decisions I want.