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Navigating
Touchy Topics
46 scripts for tough
conversations with your partner
(with less drama and more connection)

IN-LAWS | HOUSEWORK | PARENTING | INTIMACY

Dr. Ashurina Ream, PsyD

@psychedmommy
 CONNECTION > CONFLICT
Most couples experience significant changes in their
relationship after having kids. Practically overnight,
day-to-day roles, communication, intimacy, sex, and
more get flipped upside down.

Navigating through all of those changes successfully

means having some hard heart-to-heart talks. But
starting those conversations isn’t easy.

This guide can help.

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 HOW TO DIAL BACK DEFENSIVENESS
So many parents tell me that when they’ve tried to bring up tough
topics, their partners become defensive right away. (Honestly, that
makes sense, doesn’t it? I don’t know anyone who enjoys being
called out for doing something “wrong.”)

These quick tips will allow your partner to let down their guard so
you can have a productive conversation.

#1: Remember that your partner isn’t the problem.

The problem is the problem.
For example, you might be angry because your partner “forgot” to
take out the trash again, even though you reminded them 578 times.
But if you start the conversation in that frame of mind, it’s bound to
go south quickly. So instead of approaching your partner’s
forgetfulness as the problem, approach the trash as the problem.

#2: Use I-statements.

Talk about your experience and your feelings first, rather than
immediately pointing out your partner’s wrongdoing. The scripts I
share below show you exactly how to do that.

#3: Avoid absolutes.

Try not to use words like always, never, everything, and anything. Not
only do these absolutes almost guarantee a defensive response, but
they also disregard any effort your partner has ever made. For
example, while it may feel like your partner “always” takes their
mother’s side or that you do “everything” by yourself “all the time,”
that’s probably not entirely true.

Now that you have your rules of engagement, let’s dive into
the scripts!

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 INVITATIONS
Timing is everything when it comes to tough conversations.
First, check in with yourself to see if you have the mental and
emotional capacity for a healthy conversation. If you feel triggered
or you’re having a tough time regulating your emotions, take some
time to downshift. If you’re in a good place, then invite your partner
into a conversation.

1. I need to chat about something that feels a little tricky.

Is now a good time?

2. I want to talk with you about something, and I’m feeling pretty
vulnerable about it. Is it OK to start the conversation now, or
would after dinner be better for you?

3. I have a concern about X. Since it’s been on my mind for a couple

of days now, I think I need to talk it out with you. Are you game for
that?

4. I can sense some tension between us lately. Can we talk?

5. The last time we talked about X, we committed to having a

follow-up conversation. I’m curious to hear what you’ve been
thinking and feeling about it lately. Is now a good time to talk?

If your partner doesn’t want to talk right then, say something

like: I understand now is not a good time for this conversation.
Thanks for being honest with me. Can we talk tomorrow after
work?

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 STARTERS
Tough conversations go better when you’re allies rather than
adversaries. The best way to begin is by expressing appreciation to
your partner for their willingness to take the time to talk. This puts
you on the same side–you and your partner against the problem
together.

6. I want you to know how much I appreciate your willingness to talk

about this today.

7. Thanks for sitting down with me. I feel cared for when you make
our relationship a priority.

8. I know talking about X can be frustrating. I want you to know how

grateful I am that we can work things out together.

9. Thank you for helping me think through this today.

10. I know we have a lot going on and the last thing you might want
to talk about right now is X. So thanks for sitting down with me.

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 TOPICS
When the timing is right and you’ve connected with
your partner through appreciation, it’s time to have
the conversation. You’ll notice each of these scripts
follows a similar pattern:

Affirm your partner.

Express your concern–as specifically as you can.
Label your feelings.
Invite your partner’s response.

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 IN-LAWS

11. When your partner is overly connected with their mother…

I know your mom is so important to you, and your relationship is
really special. Sometimes it feels like what your mom wants takes
priority over spending time with me and our kids. I feel frustrated
and hurt by that, and I’d like us to find more balance. Do you have
any thoughts about that?

12. When your in-laws say something hurtful to your child…

I’m so grateful our kids get to spend so much time with their
grandparents. I noticed this week that your dad said X to our son,
and I’m feeling upset. I’m not sure how we should handle that. What
do you think?

13. When your in-laws criticize you…

I want you to know how much I appreciate living near your family. I
realize some couples don’t have support nearby! Recently, I’ve felt
criticized by some things your mom has said about my parenting—
like X and Y. First, I want to check in with you to make sure we’re still
on the same page about those things. If so, I would like you to back
me up next time she offers her opinion. How do you feel about that?

14. When your in-laws violate your boundaries…

I can tell you’ve been trying to set better boundaries with your
parents, and I’m so grateful! It seems like things haven’t gotten any
better, even though we’ve had a couple of tough conversations with
them. I’m starting to feel resentful, and that’s not a path I want to go
down. What do you think we should do next?

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 IN-LAWS

15. When you need a break from holiday gatherings…

I know how much you enjoy hosting everyone for X, and it’s been fun
for the last few years. I’m feeling pretty run down, and I could use a
break. What do you think about asking your parents to host this
year? And can we talk about spending just a couple of hours over
there? Getting some downtime feels worth having an awkward
conversation. What do you think?

16. When your partner is critical of your family…

I appreciate how hard you’re trying to get along with my family.
I know they’re still doing some things that upset you, and I want you
to talk with me when those things happen. I feel frustrated when you
bring up past conflicts that we’ve done quite a bit of work on. I’m
assuming you’re still upset about those things since you want to talk
about them. How can we repair so we can tackle what’s happening
now?

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 DIVISION OF LABOR

17. When both of you work…

I know you have a lot on your plate, and I appreciate the times
you’ve done X, Y, and Z. We both work really hard! Right now, I’m
feeling overloaded with everything on my to-do list. Could you take
on X and Y on an ongoing basis? Then, can we check in again in a
couple of weeks to see how that’s working for both of us?

18. When your partner gets to be the “fun” parent…

I love watching you play with our kids. They lucked out with you as
their parent! To be honest, I’m actually feeling jealous of how much
fun you have together, and I’d like to have more free time with them.
Could you be in charge of meal planning and shopping on Sundays
so I can do that?

19. When your partner helped for a while then stopped…

I felt so supported by the conversation we had a couple of weeks
ago about sharing household tasks. I know it takes some time to
build new habits, and I’ve noticed we’ve both fallen back into the
pattern of me doing X instead of you. At first, I felt annoyed, and now
I’m starting to feel angry. Can we revisit our plan and try again?

20. When you stay home with your kids...

I feel really lucky that I get to be with the kids during the day, and I’m
grateful your hard work helps make that possible. I’m finding it
difficult to be the parent I want to be while also keeping up with
housework and all the other adulting to be done. I feel so
discouraged. I’d like to brainstorm some ideas for how to ease the
load I’m feeling.

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 DIVISION OF LABOR

21. When you carry the mental load…

I love how when I ask for help with something, you jump right in and
do it without complaining. Like when I asked you to X, you didn’t bat
an eye. Thank you! Lately, I’ve noticed I’m feeling burned out from
keeping track of what needs to be done and when, and sometimes
when I ask for your help I feel like I’m nagging you. Do you feel that
way, too? What can we do together?

22. When you have different priorities…

One of my favorite things about you is that not much bothers you.
That helps me feel safe and secure in our relationship. I’ve noticed
something really interesting lately, and I wanted to share it with you.
You don’t seem to care when the house is a mess… whereas I feel
overwhelmed by clutter. Could we create a routine of picking up
together after dinner? That would help me start the next day with
more energy.

23. When you need more help with the kids…

I really appreciate you doing X around the house. So many of my
friends complain about how their partners don’t do anything! What’s
really burning me out these days is all the kid stuff… and I’m realizing
my patience is wearing thin. Could we make some changes to who
does what? I know the kids would love to have more time with you,
too!

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 PARENTING & DISCIPLINE

24. When you disagree about screen time…

I’m grateful that we’re on the same page about so much when it
comes to parenting. Right now though, it seems like we’re getting
stuck on screen time. I know you’d rather X, but I’m more like Y. I can
feel the tension around this building. Can we talk about some
potential solutions?

25. When your partner is authoritarian…

When our kids X, I appreciate that you try to resolve the situation.
Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable with how those interactions go, like
when Y. Can we revisit our values around discipline to make sure
we’re on the same page?

26. When you have different parenting styles…

Parenting feels really tricky some days, and I’m grateful to have you
as my partner in this. I know we grew up in very different households,
and I’m noticing more and more how that’s showing up in each of
our parenting styles. For example, X. I feel concerned our kids might
be confused when we’re not consistent. What’s most important to
you when it comes to parenting?

27. When you disagree on sleep training…

I know we’ve both been running on fumes the last few months, and
you’ve mentioned wanting to start sleep training. I appreciate you
being honest about where you are with it. When I think about sleep
training, I feel anxious and worried. Can we do some research
together? That way we can both feel comfortable with our
approach?

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 PARENTING & DISCIPLINE

28. When you approach bedtime differently...

I want to thank you for tackling bedtime with me. I’m usually
exhausted by the time they go down, and I’m sure you are, too! I
know it’s been especially rough lately, so I wanted to check in. The
last time we talked, we agreed to X, and that’s not been happening.
That’s important to me, so I’m feeling frustrated. Can we rethink the
plan?

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 CONNECTION & INTIMACY

29. When you haven’t had time together for a while…

You do such a great job of showing up for our kids. Seeing how much
they love being with you actually makes me miss having time with
just you. Can we put a couple of date nights on the calendar?
Maybe you can plan one, including finding a sitter, and I’ll plan the
other one?

30. When you feel like roommates...

We both have a lot going on right now, and I want you to know I
appreciate everything you do for our family. It seems like our busy
schedules are getting in the way of having time together, and I’m
feeling pretty lonely. Can we talk about some intentional ways we
can reconnect every day?

31. When your partner wants more sex…

I know sex is important to you, and I realize I haven’t been as
receptive as you’d like. I want you to know it’s not because I don’t
love you, and it’s not because I’m not attracted to you. The truth is, X.
What would help me is Y. Can we try that?

32. When you want more sex…

Before we had kids, we had a great sex life. These days, I get the
sense you’re not interested in me anymore, and I miss how close I felt
to you back then. I know this is a vulnerable topic. Can we try having
a conversation about it anyway? I really want to know what you’re
thinking and feeling.

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 CONNECTION & INTIMACY

33. When you’re not even sure where to start the conversation…
Today, I was thinking about that time when we X, and it absolutely
made my day. It got me thinking about how different our lives are
now that we have kids. I feel like something’s off between us
because Y. Do you feel that, too?

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 CLOSERS
At the end of your conversation, it’s helpful to bring it to an
intentional close.

34. Thank you for talking with me about this. I feel loved when you
listen to my concerns and help me think through solutions.

35. I’m grateful for this conversation. It wasn’t easy to talk about
these things and I feel closer to you now than I did earlier today.
Thank you.

36. It felt really good to talk with you about this, even though it
wasn’t easy. Thanks for sticking with me in the conversation.

If your conversation gets heated and you need to take a breather,

try these:

37. I want to take a break from this conversation. I’m not feeling
heard, and I can feel myself getting angrier. Let’s decide on a time to
pick back up.

38. I get the sense you need a break. I could use one, too. Can we
come back together in 30 minutes or so?

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 ROADBLOCKS
It’s not easy for anyone to hear hard things… including your partner!
These scripts may help keep the conversation going.

39. When your partner seems disengaged during the conversation…

I feel frustrated because it doesn’t seem like you’re really listening to
me. You’re nodding your head and saying “OK,” but you also seem
disengaged. Can you help me understand what’s going on right
now?

40. When your partner gets defensive…

It seems like you feel attacked right now. Can you tell me what
you’re thinking and feeling? I’m just going to listen.

Note: Defensive is different from abusive. You have the right to

respect and safety, even in the most challenging of conversations.
If you need to speak up or interrupt to protect yourself, do it!

41. When your partner starts one-upping you…

I’ve noticed that when I come to you with a concern, you tend to
point out something I’ve done to you. I feel dismissed when that
happens—like you don’t care about my perspective. I want us both
to have a chance to talk and be heard. Would you like to start?

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 PRACTICE MAKES…PROGRESS

Many parents express irritation because they feel like they’re having
hard conversations with their partners over and over and over
again. That’s definitely frustrating. And it’s also…normal. When we’re
trying to develop new habits, we all need reminders (and loads of
grace).

Try adopting a “progress over perfection” mindset—and make sure

you’re not accidentally sabotaging progress. It's your partner’s job
to build their new habit, and it’s your job to gently keep them
accountable.

Finally, be intentional about thanking your partner for their follow-

through. You know how amazing it feels when someone sees and
acknowledges your efforts? It's so motivating, isn't it? It will be for
your partner, too!

42. I really appreciated how you backed me up when your mom said
something about what the kids were eating for dinner.

43. Thank you so much for running to the grocery store this week. It
was so nice to be able to play with the kids without being distracted
by my to-do list!

44. I saw you take a pause before you responded to our daughter’s
tantrum this morning. Did you notice how much faster she calmed
down when you offered to give her a hug? That was so sweet to
watch!

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 PRACTICE MAKES…PROGRESS

45. Oh my gosh thank you for taking care of the dishes tonight. I feel
so supported right now.

46. I know you had a tough week and really wanted to just veg out in
front of the TV. It means so much that you kept our date instead.
I love spending time with just you.

© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM

 GET MORE SUPPORT.
If you’re like most moms, your relationship with your
partner feels different from before you had kids.

My online course, Keeping Mommy in Mind, includes

an entire section to help you decrease conflict and
improve communication with your partner.
Learn more here.
CHED
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Dr. Ashurina Ream, PsyD

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@psychedmommy
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© 2023 PSYCHED MOMMY LLC WWW.PSYCHEDMOMMY.COM