Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am PDF - John Powell

the John Powell, s.j.
, library
Why Am I
Afraid
Who I Am?
Insights into Personal Growth
www.Difa3iat.com
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i f a 3 John Powelli f a 3ia, s.j. ifa3
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A DIVISION OF TABOR PUBLISHING
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Allen, Texas
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Book Design: Chris Schechner Graphic Design
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3 ia Debbie Allen
Cover Design:
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.Calligraphy: Sue Bohlin, Bob Niles, Faith
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C. David Edmonson: Pages 6, 23, 26, 31, 37, 44, 49, 56, 67, 74, 80, 118
Jean-Claude Lejeune: Pages 10, 15, 20, 62, 92, 99, 104, 110, 139, 154
c o m c om
t .
Copyright © 1969 by John Powell, S.J.
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.dif i f i f
All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced or transmitted in
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Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 70-113274
Printed in the United States of America
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ISBN 0-88347-323-2
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56789
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1. Understanding the Human Condition 5
om as a Person
2. Growing
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iat.
a3 3. Interpersonal Relationships
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4. Dealing with Our Emotions 73
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5. Human
t . om Hiding Places: t.com
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a3i Methods of Ego-defensea3i 89 a
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Catalog ofwGames ww105
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"How beautiful, how grand fa 3and liberating this f a 3
w .di experience is, whenwpeople.di learn to help each w.di
ww ww to overemphasize theww
other. It is impossible
immense need humans have to be really listened
to, to be m m
taken seriously, to be understood.
a t. co a t . co
a 3 i"Modern psychology hasa3brought
i it very much
a 3 ia
w .dif to our attention. Atwthe.dvery
if heart of all psycho .dif
w
w w therapy is this w w
type of relationship in whichw w
.one
can tell everything, just as a little child will tell all
to his mother.
t . c om t . c om
3 a one can develop freely
i"No 3 iain this world and 3ia
i f a i f a i f a
w.d least one person. w. . w. .d w.d
find a full life without feeling understood by at
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"He who would see himself clearly must open
c o m
up to a confidant
c o m of
freely chosen and worthy
3i at.trust.
such
3 i at. 3 ia
f a f a fa
w .di "Listen to all the conversations
w .di of our world, .di
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ww ww
between nations as well as those between ww
couples. They are for the most part dialogues of
the deaf."
c o m c o mM.D.
iat . — Dr. Paul
iat .
Tournier,
a
fa 3 Swissfa 3
psychiatrist and author fa 3i
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ur word communication refers to a
ww
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a 3 O a t.
.dif tell me a secret,
w
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w . d a3 i a t.c or some
process by which someone
i
om
thing is madeifcommon, that is, it is shared.
w you and I possess theww
then
knowledge of your secret in common, and you
w . d a 3 ia
if If yo
have communicated it to me.

c m
o have much more to communicate
c o m
t
But
a . you
a t . to
i f a 3 i a 3
me, if you wish to, thanifmerely
i one of your i f a 3ia
w w.d secrets. You can w .d who you are, just as I can
tellwme
w w.d
w tell you who I w am. w
co m PERSON
THE "REAL"
c o m
i at . i at . ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di stress on being authentic.
In our society today,
w .di We have talked aboutw.di
we have placed a great
ww ww ww
placing masks over the face of our "real" selves,
and of playing roles that disguise our true and
o m The implication is thatcosomewhere,
real selves.
c m
.
iat you and inside me, lurk t .
a3inside 3iaour real selves.
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w.d .d TO TELL YOU WHO I AM? w.d
8 WHY AM I AFRAID
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Supposedly, this real self is a static and formed
reality. There m are moments when this realm self of
c o c o
3 i at. out of me, and there3are
mine shines
i .
atother 3ia
. ifa
moments
d . d ifa to camouflage
when I feel compelled
.d i f a
w my real self. w w
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There is perhaps some justification for this
c om but I think that itccan

manner of speaking, o mbe
iat .
more misleading i
than helpful. There .
atis no fixed, ia
f a 3
i and real person inside.dyou f a 3
i or me, precisely f a 3
w
true,
.dbecause w w .di
ww becomingbeing a person w
w necessarily implies
a person, being in process. If I am any
ww
thing as a person, it is what I
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3 think
a3 3i
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w w feelwww w w w
value
honor
c o m c om
a t . esteem
t .
a3i love a 3ia a 3ia
w .dif hate
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fear w ww
desire
hope for
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i at . believe in
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am committedd to. w.d
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These are the things that define my person, and
c o m in process, in the process

they are constantly
c o m of
t .
change.iaUnless t
my mind and heartiaare. a
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ia t . t .
w w.d UNDERSTANDING THE
w w .d CONDITION
HUMAN
w w.9d
w w w
hopelessly barricaded, all these things that define
m are forever changing.
me as aoperson
c om
c
3 i at. 3 i at. 3ia
a a
if hard core inside of me,.difa
w .dif My person is not a little
. d
ww wwstatue that is real and w
a little fully formed
w ww
authen
tic, permanent and fixed. My person rather
implies a dynamic process. In other words, if you
knewcme o myesterday, please do notcothink
m that I am
.
iatsame person that you are t .
if a3the ifa3iameeting today. 3ia
ifa
w . d w .d w .d
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I have experienced
encountered new depths in those I love, I have
suffered and prayed, and I am different.
t. c om t . c om
3 a
iPlease 3 ia average," fixed a3ia
do not give me aa"batting
a
w .dif and irrevocable, because
w .dif I am "in there" con w.dif
ww stantly, takingwmyw swings at the opportunities
ww of
daily living. Approach me, then, with a sense of
wonder,m study my face and hands and m voice for
o
.c of change; for it is certain
the tsigns o
t.c that I have
i f a ia i a
3changed. But even if youifado3 recognize this, I may ifa3ia
w.d be somewhat afraidwto.dtell you who I am. w.d
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THE HUMAN CONDITION
co m c o m
at .
Consider
i at .
the following conversation:
i ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di Author: "I am writing w .dia book, to be called Why
w .di
ww w w
Am I Afraid to Tell You Who 1 Am?" w w
Other:om"Do you want an answer o tom

your
t . c t . c
a ia
3question?" 3ia
a a 3i a
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w .d UNDERSTANDING THEwHUMAN
.d CONDITION w .d
11
w w w w w w
Author: "That is the purpose of the book, to
answer m
the question." m
t . c o t. c o
a 3 ia a 3 ia a 3 ia
.di f Other: "But do you
.di f
want my ansiver?”
.di f
w w w
ww wcourse I do."
wof
Author: "Yes, ww
Other:
c om"I am afraid to tell you who
c o mI am,
i .
at if I tell you who I am,
because i .
atyou may not like ia
3 3 a3
w .difa who I am, and it's all dthat
w
ifaI have."
. w .d i f
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This short excerpt was taken from an actual
conversation, unrehearsed and from life as it
t. omIt reflects something oft.cthe

reallycis. om imprisoning
3 a
i and self-doubt which
fears 3 i a
cripple most of us and 3 ia
a a a
w .dif keep us from forward w
if
.dmovement on the road to .dif
w
w w maturity, w
happiness,
w and true love. w w
In a previous effort, entitled Why Am I Afraid to
Love?
t . c om Publishing, 1967),t.I chave
(Tabor om tried to
a ia
3describe something of theahuman 3ia scars and pains ifa3ia
i f i f
w w.d that block the way w wto.dtrue love. They are theww.d
w same scars, thewsame inner fears and pains, wthat
block the way to true self-communication, on
which love m is built. Since that other publication,
m
c o c o
3 i at. this is intended to3be
to which
i ata.sequel, is still 3 ia
f a available from Tabor f a
Publishing, there is no need fa
w .di here to review the w .di
psychological dilemmas andw.
di
ww distress that arewawpart of the human condition. ww
c o m as a progression from
Nevertheless,
c o mthat earlier
. .
iat I do want to describe here
iat something of a
i f
work,
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12 WHY AM I AFRAID
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how these scars, as well as the defenses that we
use to protect m ourselves from further vulner m
c o c o
3 i at. to form patterns of action
ability, tend
3 i at. and 3 ia
f a
reaction.
i These patterns f a
eventually become so f a
w .dself-deceptive w .diall sense of identity w.di
that we forfeit
ww and integrity. We actwout w 'Toles/' wear "masks,"ww
and play "games."
c om c o m
Noneia . .
oft us wants to be a fraud oriatot live a lie; ia
f a 3
i of us wants to be a sham, fa 3 f a 3
w .dnone w .di a phony. But the w.di
ww self-communication w w and the risks that honest ww
fears that we experience
would involve seem so
intense to us that seeking refuge in our roles,
t. c om becomes an almostt.cnatural
masks, and games om
ia
reflex3action. 3ia 3i a
w . difa .difa
w be quite difficult for ww .d i f a
w w After a while, it may w
w even
w
us to distinguish between what we really are, at
any given moment in our development as
persons, and c m we pose as being. Itcisom
owhat such a
t . t .
i f 3ia human problem that
universally
a i f a ia might
3we i f a 3ia
w .djustifiably call it "the human
w .dcondition." .dw
ww ww ww
It is, at least, the condition in which most of us
find ourselves and the point of our departure
co mintegrity, and love. com
ia t
toward growth,. ia t. i a
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di w .di
TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS w.d
i
ww ww ww
The well-known California psychiatrist Dr. Eric
c o m
Berne, in his best-selling
c o m
book The Games People
.
Play, speaks .
iat of "transactional analysis,"
iat by which a
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ia t . t .
i f a 3UNDERSTANDING THE HUMAN
i f a 3ia i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
CONDITION 13
w w w w w w
he means an analysis of the social transaction
when two people meet in a given situation. In
c o m c o m
i at
such . a situation, there is the
i t .
"transactional
achild ia
f a 3stimulus" (for example, faa 3
sick asking for a f a 3
w .di glass of water) andwthe .di"transactional response"w.di
ww ww it). Transactional analysis
(the mother bringing ww
attempts to diagnose the so-called "ego states" of
c o m persons (the stimulator

the interacting
c o m and the
at .
respondent)
i at the time of the i t .
atransaction. The ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .di various interactions,
supposition of
w di may well be acting in w
transactional
.we analysis is that, in
a
.di
ww different role or ww ego state. ww
Theseoego
c m states can be dividedcinto omthree
ia t.
categories: t .
ia of all the
the Parent (a collection ia
a 3 a3 a 3
w .dif messages stored inwus.dfrom if infancy and child .dif
w
w w hood), the Adult w
w (the real me, capable of thinking
w w
my own thoughts and making my own
decisions), and the Child (a storehouse of all the
c
emotional
t . omresponses of my life:t.the c m angers,
ofears,
a ia complexes, and alsoathe
3guilt 3iajoys). None of us ifa3ia
i f i f
w w.d states,remains permanently.d
w w fixed in any of these ego .d
w
w but we w
may fluctuate from one to another,ww
depending on the situation at hand and our
needs of the moment.
co m c o m
i .
at example, the man who3ican .
at at times function 3ia
3
ifa as a Parent to his child,
For
iorfaas an Adult to his wife.difa
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ww ww is also capable of assum
or business associates, ww
ing (either consciously or unconsciously) the ego
state of amChild. While getting readym to escort his
. c o . c o
at to the theater, where he will
wife
i at most probably
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14 WHY AM I AFRAID
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assume the ego state of a Parent or an Adult, he
may say impetuously
c o m to his wife, "Mama,m
c o will
you please
3 i at. find my cuff links for3me?"
i at. The Child 3 ia
i
(in f a
this case, impatience and
di f a
frustration) that is in
di f a
w .dhim is suddenly activated w .because of his need of w.
ww the moment. Of course, wwhe may quickly revert toww
one of the other ego states, depending on his
t.c om
physical or emotional needs.
t.c om
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
if
It a
may also happen that the i fa
respondent in the f a
w .dexample w
given is inclined .davoid
to any respon w .di
ww sibilities, and the Childwwin the wife may come toww
the surface. "Gee whiz, Daddy, if you can't find
them, I'm sure
c o mthat I certainly can't." Thec om"vector
t. horizontal in this transaction:
line" isiastrictly i at. ia
a 3
if is relating to Child. Emotions a3 a 3
w .dChild w . dif are in control
w . dif
w w in both persons. ww w w
HOW WE ARE "PROGRAMMED"
TO CHOOSEm
EGO STATES
t . c o t . c om
a 3iaexperimentation, applying
Clinical
i f i f a 3iathese i f a 3ia
w w.dtheories, has operatedwonwthe
.d assumption that all w.d
w of us are capable of w ww
these various ego states, and
that we have been programmed by our individ
ual, psychological
co m histories to react as cParent, o m
Adult, or
i .
atChild, in given life situations.
i .
at This ia
i f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w
"programming"
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is
influences
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of the
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(individual programming). The stimuli of these
o
previous influences
c m and reactions are recorded c o m
indelibly .
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WHY AM I AFRAIDd
16
w . TO TELL YOU WHO I AM? w.d
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As human organisms we carry within ourselves
something like m a portable tape recorder, which m is
c o c o
3 i at. softly but insistently
always playing
3 i t. us.
ainside 3 ia
a
Onifthe i f a f a
.di
tape of this recorder there plays the
w .d
message of Mother or w
Father.d(or other). Mother w
ww may still be saying: "Nothing
ww is too good for my ww
little Darling. I'll do the dishes and make the
beds. You justorun
c m along and play, Honey." c o mIf the
reactionia .
oft "Honey" was to accept this i .
at message ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w
anddi act out the role of thewperpetual
.may .di child, you
w .di
ww runningsee her (supposed w
w by now to be an adult)
right by you someday, on her way to
ww
play. She is still expecting others to do every
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ia parent ia
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responsibility.
a 3her
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.tapes.
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Or Daddy's thunder may be the parent
message on the tape recorder: "You're no
damned good,t . c om
you Louse!" If the childt .
m
inothis
c
caseahas
i f 3iareacted in a docile manner,
i f a 3iahe is likely i f a 3ia
w w.todbe sullen and discouraged
w w.dwhen he passes w w.d
w you. He will probablywbe mumbling to himself: w
"I'm no damned good . . . I'm no damned good!"
t.c om
Social programming
om
.c
and individualtprogram
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
ming
di f a tend to crystallize in f a
patterns
i of action and fa
w .reaction. These patterns can w .doften be predicted in w .di
ww most of us with high waccuracy. w Depending on our ww
habits and habitual reactions, we tend to play the
same roles, the
c o m
same "games." And the "game"
c o m
always ifollows.
at the "program." If you .
iatwant to ia
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understand the game correctly, it helps to know
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the program.
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f a 3PROGRAMMING: WHOf a 3WILL DOMINATE f a 3
w .di IN THE PSYCHODRAMA?
w .di w .di
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Inside each of us, there is a tape recorder that
plays the sound track of a psychodrama that is
c om being enacted. On the c o m is the
i .
continually
at the Child, and the 3Adult. i . stage
at The Mother or ia
f a 3Parent,
fa f a 3
w .di Father is deliveringw.admessagei to the Child. Thew .di
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When the Adult hears the message and sees the
reactionm of the Child, he or she has m to step in and
t.c o
corroborate or deny the message.
o
t.c The Adult has
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
a a a
.dif the person involved dif be nothing more thanwa.dif
to be assertive, because if not, the whole future of
w w .will
ww living out of thewwprogramming of the past.wThe w
Parent and/or Child will dominate such a life.
c o m c m
o "You'll
t
For. example, .
if the Parent is tsaying,
ia amount to anything,"
i f a 3never i f a 3iathe Adult has to step ifa3ia
w w.d in and deny thiswmessage. w.d "Stop telling thiswchild w.d
w that he or shew is no good!" Only when thew
message is expunged by the intervention of the
Adult can
c o m the person act and feelcoworthwhile.The
m
.
at can and has to be 3tipped.
balance
i i .
at Life has to be ia
f a 3 f a fa 3
w .di ming of the past, and
more than simply a
w .diti can be if the Adult in us
living out of the program
w .di
ww will intervene.
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When m we speak or act, sometimesm the Parent in

. c o . c o
a3iatis in control, is speaking i(the
us at parental message
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w.d
WHY AM I AFRAIDdTO TELL YOU WHO I AM?
w. w.d
18
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is indelible and always operative). Sometimes the
Child in us takes
c o mover. Our emotions begin c o mto
make our
i .
atdecisions for us. Sometimes
i at.we get ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
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plugged
.when
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ww example: "It is such awnice w

day outside and I ww
would like to go out and play (Child), but you
can't always be
c o mdoing what you want tocom
(Parent)."i a .
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f a 3 fa 3 f a 3
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states but also c m acculturated self and a cdeliber
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ated self.
a a3 a 3
w difdistinction between the
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subculture in which we live is one of the sources
of our programming. It sets us up to react to
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certain situations
t om in certain ways. When t . c owem
oblige a ia with the expected areactions,
3others 3ia or a 3ia
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w much determined bywour past, it is the accultur- ww
ated self that is acting. As a person becomes more
and more adultm(mature) the deliberated self,
which actst.out c o of personal integrationt.and c om
a 3ia takes over. The fullyahuman 3 ia being is a 3 ia
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conviction,
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ww ming and turns fromwbeing w a "reactor" to being ww
an "actor." The person becomes "his own man"
or "her own woman."
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i f a 3CONDITION 19 ifa
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RESORTING TO GAMES
c m
o in this context are nott.creally m
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.
"Games"
t
ia our patterned reactions itoa life situations, ia
f a 3are f a 3 f a 3
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ww ww
personal, psychological history. Sometimes wwthese
games are extremely grim affairs, because every
om
one is playing to win—to win something.
o m In
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order a t.c of
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.di others, to become w .di .di
ourselves to others, to experience the reality of
w integrated and to grow, it helpsw
ww very much to w
w
be aware of these patternedw
w
reactions—the games we play. If we become
t. om aware of these games,

consciously
c t . c m may give
owe
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them
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w. w. w .
ww These games are
w w almost always little maneuvers
on our part, which we employ to avoid self
ww
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om which we carry int.cfront
littlecshields,
t . omof us as we
a ia the battle of life. They
3enter a
a designed to
3iare a 3ia
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.dhurt and to help us winw.d i f
w w
ww ww for our egos. Eric Bernewcalls
some little trophy w
these little gains "strokes," little victories or
successes that bring us protection or recognition.
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c o m
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i .
at always unique. ia
f a 3histories and programming
f a 3 are
fa 3
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w .di
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The one thing that all of these games have in
common is this: They defeat self-knowledge
c om all possibility of honest
andt.destroy t. c o mself
3 i a 3 i aThe price of victory fa3i
a
f a communication with a
others.
f
w .di is costly; there is little
w
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which alone can put them on the path to human
growth m and the fullness of human life. m
a t . co a t . co
a 3 i Most of us play games awith
3 i others in our a 3 ia
f
.di habitual behavior. wWe.dseti f di f
w us.
others up to react tow
ww in the way that
w want them to react. Forww
wwe
example, we may not ever grow into authentic
persons
t. c om because we have settled for
t . c ombeing
a 3 ia
children,
a 3 a We send out
inadequate and in ineed.
a 3 ia
w .dif inour "pity signals" in the
w . dif sound of our voices and
w . dif
ww the expressions
w w on our faces. We attempt
condition others to react very gently to us. We
w w
to
sound and look as helpless as any child; most

people c m obliging enough to follow
oare c omour stage
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who ww
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role, insist on wanting to save others at all times.
We want to be "the helper" and to make
co melse to whom we relatec"theo m helped."
i .
everyone
at i .
atmarries the ia
f a 3Sometimes the perpetual
f a 3
child
fa 3
w .di messiah, and they w .di a lifelong game of it w.di
make
ww w two games mesh, things
together. Sincewthese wwwill
go very well, and neither of them will ever have
to grow m up. However, if one of themmdecides to
o
t.c up," there will be sparkst.of
"grow coconflict.
a3 ia a3 ia a 3ia
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c om c om
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d
w.22 .dTO TELL YOU WHO I AM? w.d
WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
It is our fears and insecurity that prompt us to
assume various
c o mego states and play variousc o m
games.ia t .
However, if we try to be inia .
t touch
honest ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w di
with
.the our emotions and to
w .dior "messianic
report them truthfully,
w .di
ww mystique" will become wwobvious even to us. Andww
patterns of "pity signals"
that is the moment of change.

c om c o m
iat .
The3perpetual i
child would find3that
.
at she never ia
f a fa f a 3
w di well to others except
.relates w
i she is bringing
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problems and helplessness
w to them. The self- w
styled savior would discover that he never
w
relates well to others unless the other is troubled
and helpless
t. c o. m
. . and needing him. Being
t . c m
ohonest
with 3
a ia self in this way is noaeasy
one's 3 ia matter, a 3 ia
w dif it involves lettingwone's
.because .dif repressed w .dif
ww emotions rise to recognitionww for what they reallyww
are. It also demands reporting these emotions to
others, as we shall see later.
t . c om t . c om
ia
Itfais3doubtful that there is anyone a 3iawho does not a 3ia
i
d these or other games.wTherefore, .d i f i f
w w.play w
if I really
w w.d
w want to "see it like itw is . . . and tell it like it is," Iw
must ask myself some difficult questions about
the patterns ofm m in
action and reaction that emerge
co c o
3 i at. and I must ask myself
my conduct,
3 i t. these
awhat 3 i a
ifa reveal to me about myself.
patterns
.d ifa i fa
w w.d w.d
ww w w
Do I subconsciously develop problems in order w w
to get attention? Do I insist on relegating all those
c m to the category of "those
with whom Iorelate
c o m who
.
iathelp"? Do I present myself .
iatas delicate in a
need my
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c o m c o m
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w.24 w.d TO TELL YOU WHO I AM?ww.d
WHY AM I AFRAID
ww w w w
order to insure gentle treatment from others? Am
c m as conquests to provide
I using otheropeople
c o ma
i
transfusion .
at of life for my limping3ego?
i .
at Am I ia
i f a 3 f a f a 3
w
seeking
.dprecisely to impress others with
w . di my self-sufficiency, w.di
ww person? Hard w my adequacy as a ww
because I doubt
w
and probing questions, aren't they?
The final c o m of this book is a partial

section c o m
listing of
some3of
t .
iathe more common rolesa3that t .
ia people ia
i f a f f a 3
w .dassume for either permanent
w .dior occasional use. It w.di
ww could be called a "catalog ww of games and roles." ww
This catalog, however, is not intended at all to be
the "entertainment" section. All of us experience
c m
ocondition" c omWe all
the "human
ia t . t .
of fear and hiding.
ia by. "But if I ia
know a 3 something of what was meant
a 3 a 3
w .dtellif yoiLwho I am, you may w
if like who I am-aud .dif
.dnot w
w w i t is all that I have ." w w w w
What yon and m I really need is to come tom a.
moment of o
t.ctruth and to develop a ihabit o
t.c of truth
ia a
3ourselves. We have to askifaourselves
3 3ia
with
i f a
d personal privacy ofwour
in the i f a
w.quiet, .d own minds and, w.d
w
w hearts: What games w w w
do_I_play? What is it that I am
w
trying to hide? What is it that I hope to win?
co m c o m
at .
My willingness
i to be honest withia .
t and
myself ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w di
these questions
.essential will be the
w .di as a person.
decisive factor and the
w .di
ww ww ww
condition for growth
co m com
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co m om
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. c o m signs c omofchange
a t at. ia
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that they haft
o m o m
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n these pages there are frequent references
w
a 3
t.
I
c m
too"growth as a person/' and o
ia said about the necessity
.dif and interpersonal encounter
w
a3
t . c m will be
much
iaof self-communication a3ia
.dif as a means to thisw.dif
ww growth. It is bothwintriguing and difficult to try
w ww to
describe what this "growth" implies. It is
impossible to cite an example of the full-grown
person c m each of us has to cgrow
obecause om into his or
t . t .
ia own person, not become3i"like"
a anyone else.
a3her a a 3ia
w .dif w .d i f
w .d i f
ww What kind ofw w w w
a person are we trying to become?
Carl Rogers calls this person "the fully function
ing person" (Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and
co m c o m
t .
Practice,
i a 1963) and certainly,
i a t
since . becoming a
ia
f a 3
person is a lifelong, dynamic f a 3 process, growth fa 3
w .di will have to be defined w
i
.dlargely in terms of w .di
ww functions. The w
w
late Abraham Maslow, the w
w
famous
psychologist from Brandeis University, calls this
person "the
c o m self-actualizing person," c o mand "the
fully .
iat human person." iat . ia
di f a3 d ifa 3
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ww. w . w.
w ww 27
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www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
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28 f a 3 a 3iaYOU WHO I AM?
WHY AM I AFRAID TOfTELL
i i f a 3ia
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INTERIORITY AND EXTERIORITY
c m
o person preserves a balance m
c o
The fully human
t .
ia and "exteriority." Both t. between
ia extreme ia
f a 3
"interiority"
f a 3
the
f a 3
w .di
introvert
w .di are off
and the extreme extrovert
w .di
ww balance. Introverts arewalmostw exclusively ww
concerned with themselves; they become the
center of gravity m in their own universe. Because m
t . c o
of their preoccupation with self, . c
t are
introverts o
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
f a
distracted f
from the vast world outside.a Extreme f a
w .di
extroverts, w
on the other hand,
i
.dpour themselves w .di
ww out, move from one external ww distraction to ww
another. Their lives are not very reflective, and
consequently they
c o m experience little interior c om life
deepening. ia t .As Socrates said, "The ia t .
unreflected ia
a 3 a 3 a 3
w dif is balance: a balance
isn't
.growth
worth living." Thus the
w .dofifinteriority and
first condition of
w .dif
ww exteriority. ww ww
"Interiority" o
c m exploration and experience
implies
c om of
self. People t .
ia who have explored and a t .
iexperienced ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d
themselves
w d
are aware of the .vitality of their
w.d
w senses, emotions, mind,w
w neither a stranger to, w and will. They are
w w
nor afraid of, the activities
of their body and emotions. Their senses bring
them both beauty c o m and pain, and they refuse c o m
i .
at are capable of the whole i .
at gamut of ia
neither.
f a 3 They
f a 3 f a 3
w .di emotions: from grief
human
w .dtoi tenderness. Their w.di
ww minds are alive and searching;ww their wills reach ww
out for an ever greater possession of all that is
good and at the same time savor that which is
m com to
already in ttheir
ia.co possession. They havet.listened
ia a
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c om c o m
t . t .
i f a ia
3GROWING AS A PERSON ifa3ia 29 i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
themselves, and they know that nothing which
they hear is evil or frightening.
c o m c om
ia t . ia t. ia
f a 3 f a 3
"Interiority" implies self-acceptance. The desired
f a 3
w .di interiority means that w
i functioning, self .di
.dfully w
ww wwhuman people not only are
actualizing, fully ww
aware of physical, psychological, and spiritual
hungers m and activities, but also accept m them as
good. o
t.cSuch people are "at home" o
t.cwith their
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
if a bodies, their tender as i f
wella as hostile emotions, i f a
w.d their impulses, thoughts,
w.d and desires. w.d
ww ww ww
Not only are fully human people "at home"
with what
c o mthey have already experienced c om within
3 i at.
themselves, but they are open
3 i atot. new sensations, 3 ia
a a a
w .dif thoughts and desires.
new and deeper
w
if
emotional
.dThey reactions, changing
accept their innerw w . d if
ww w w
condition as forever changing, since growth w
always involves change. Their ultimate destiny
as human
t . c ombeings, that is, what theyt . c m become
owill
i f a 3atiathe end of their lives, iisfadelightfully
3ia unknown.
i f a 3ia
w .d No human growth w .d can be prestructured
patterns
w.d
w w w w
for all. These people do not ambition to turn w
w out
like anyone else, because they are themselves.
Their potential selves, newly actualized every
day by c o m experiences, cannot possibly
new c o m be
.
iat at any one stage of3their .
iat growth.
ifa 3defined ifa ifa 3ia
w . d . d .d
ww Fully human w ww accept what they are,www
people
physically, emotionally, and intellectually. They
know that what they are, as far as it is known to
c o m they know that their c o m
t
them,.
ia
is good; t . potential
ia a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
i
30 f a 3 i
WHY AM I AFRAID TO f a 3ia
TELL YOU WHO I AM? i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
selves are even greater. They are, however,
realistic about their limitations; they do not dwell
in dreams tof . c om they want to be andt.spend
what c om the
restfa ia lives convincing themselves
of3their a 3 ia that they a 3 ia
f
.dithese things. They havewlistened
.di to, explored, w.di f
ware
ww and loved what they w w are. And each new ww
actually
day this experience of themselves will be as new
as the day itselfm m
because they are forever chang
ing, always
o o
t.cnew persons, revealed iniaat.constantly
c
3 ia 3 3 ia
f a fa f a
.di own abilities and resources,
.di confident that .di
changing, self-renovating personality. They trust
wtheir w w
ww they can adapt to andwcopew with all the chal ww
lenges that their lives will present.
t. c om t . c om
a ia of self-acceptance empowers
This kind
3 a3 ia people a 3 ia
if fully and confidently.with
todlive
.inside dif all that goes on w.dif
w w
ww could be w of nothing that is or ww
them. They are afraid
w
a part of themselves.
"Exteriority" c m an openness not onlycotomthe

oimplies
t .
abut to the environment from t.
awithout.
i f 3
self within
a i
i f a 3 i
i f a 3ia
w .d human people are inwdeep
Fully .d and meaningful w.d
ww contact with the worldwoutside w of them. They ww
listen not only to themselves but to the voices of
their world. The breadth of their own individual
experiencet.isco
m c o m
i a
infinitely multiplied through
i a .
t a ia
sensitive
f a 3 empathy with others. They
f a 3 suffer with
fa 3
w .di suffering, rejoice withwthe.djoyful.
the
i They are w .di
ww born again in every springtime,ww feel the impact ofww
the great mysteries of life: birth, growth, love,
suffering, death.mTheir hearts skip along with m the
"young lovers,"
o
t.c and they know something o
t.c of the
a3 ia a3 ia a 3i a
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m c om
ia t . t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
c o m c o m co m
ia t . ia t. iat .
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
c om co m co m
iat . iat. iat.
if a 3 ifa 3 ifa 3
w . d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
co m c om co m
i a t. ia t . i a t .
di f a3 di f a3 d ifa 3
w. w. w .
ww ww ww
c o m c om c o m
a t . ia t . ia t .
a3i a 3 ifa3
w .dif w.d
i f
w .d
ww w w ww
co m c o m c o m
iat . iat . iat .
i f a 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w.d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
m m m
ia t.co iat.c o
iat .c o
di fa3 d ifa 3
di fa3
w . w . w.
ww ww ww
om om om
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
32 fa3
i WHY AM I AFRAID TOa
i f 3iaYOU WHO I AM?
TELL
i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w w.d
w exhilaration that is inwthem. They also know the w
ghetto's philosophy of despair, the loneliness of
c o
suffering without m relief. The bell never ctolls
o m
t . t.
3iatolling in some strange way
without
a 3iafor them.
a a 3ia
w .dif w .dif w .d i f
ww wwa listening heart," the
"Create in me, O God, ww
psalmist prays.
m
co of this openness is a akind coof m
The opposite
ia t . t .
i hears only ia
a 3
"defensiveness."
f a
This defensiveness
f 3 f a 3
w di it wants to hear, according
.what w .di to its own w .di
ww preconceived structure wwand bias. It sees only ww
what it wants to see. Defensive people cannot be
growing people
c o mbecause their world is cnoom bigger
3 i at.
than themselves,
3 i at. horizons
and the circle of their
3 ia
f a
is itightly closed. if a if a
w .d w .d w .d
w w w w
"Exteriority" reacheswits peak in the ability to "givew
love freelyDr. Karl Stern, a psychiatrist of deep
insight, has said
t . c omthat the evolution ofthuman . c om
growthia ia need to be
i
lovedf a 3 is an evolution from an absolute
(infancy) toward a full i f a 3
readiness to give love i f a 3ia
d
w.(maturity), w .d .d
w w
with all sorts of stages in between. Dr. ww
w Stern said: "In our primary w state of union (at the
w
beginning of our growth as persons) we are
selfish, andcIoam, m of course, not using the c o m in
word
i t .
amoral i .
at self is ia
its usual
f a 3 connotation. The 3
f a infantile
f a 3
w di id (Freud's term for our
.still w
i and ambi
.ddrives w .di
ww tions) without differentiation ww of ego (that which,ww
in the Freudian system, adapts and harmonizes
personal drives with reality); the id of the
c o mall-engulfing without proper c o m
infantile self t
ia. is
ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
t . t .
i f a ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
awareness of its own borders. The acts of union
of the mature personality are self-less."
*
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
f a 3 Fully human beings canago
f 3 outside of
f a 3
w .di themselves, can be wcommitted
.di to a cause; and w.d
i
ww wwOf course, fully human w
they do this freely. w
beings
must be free. There are many philanthropists
among us m who give of their goods ormtheir time
t . c
addictivelyo t
or compulsively. There . coseems to be
3 a
i driving need that leaves 3 a
i them restless, 3 ia
f a some fa f a
w .di some guilt or anxiety w di becomes an obsessivew.di
.that
ww ring in the nose, wwleading these people fromwone
w
good deed to another. Fully human beings go
out to others
c o m and to God, not by acokind m of
3 i at.
compulsive-obsessive
3 i at.but actively and
neurosis,
3 ia
a a a
w .dif do so.
freely, and simply
.dif
because
w
they have chosen to
w .dif
ww w w w w
The philosopher Martin Heidegger, in
discussing
t . c omthe unions of love, points
t . c omout two
a ia that can stifle human
3pitfalls a
a
3igrowth: a compla
a 3ia
i f
.d cent satisfaction thatw.settles i f
d for that which w.d i f
w
ww already is, and, atwthe other extreme, a restless
w
activity that goes from distraction to distraction
w w
in search of something beyond. The result, says
c
Heidegger,o m is always self-estrangement.
c o m In love
i .
t possess and savor that
amust i .
at which is, and ia
f a 3we
f a 3 f a 3
w.di simultaneously reach.out di to possess (to love) the .di
w w
ww ww ww
* Institute of Man Symposium on Neurosis and
m
Personal Growth, Duquesne University, Pittsburgh
co com
a t .
Pa., November 18, 1966.
i ia t . a
w . d w. d w.d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
34 fa3
i WHY AM I AFRAID TOa
i f 3iaYOU WHO I AM?
TELL
i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w w.d
w good more fully. Thiswis the balance achieved byw
fully human beings. It is the balance between
at. com
"what is" and "what is to come."
at. com
3 i 3 i 3ia
. d ifa human beings, in their
Fully . d fa do not
ilove, .d i f a
w w w
ww identify themselves with
ww what they love, as ww
though these loved things were extensions of
themselves. Gabriel Marcel, in his book Being and
c omthat our civilization teaches
c o mus
.
Having, laments
at possession of things, 3when
itake i .
at it should ia
f 3
howato
fa f a 3
w di initiate us in the artwof.dlei tting go. Therejs w.di
.rather
ww neither freedom nor w wlife without an
real ww
apprenticeship in dispossession.
Balancedt“.c
om om
irifpriority" and “exteriority"t.c
3 i a 3 i a is what is 3 ia
dif a a a
.dif implied about it, w.dif
meant by integration of personality . Human nature,
w .contrary to much that haswbeen
ww is basically reasonable. wwCarl Rogers insists that ww
this is his certain conclusion, based on twenty-
five years of o
c m in psychotherapy. Acperson
work om is
t .
ia of irrational desiresaand t .
iaimpulses. If
not a forest
i
this f a 3
were so, people would i
not f 3
want to be fully i f a 3ia
d
w.human. w.d of exaggeration. ww.d
w We-are all of uswcapable
w We can turn too much w inward or outward. We w
can become slaves to our sense pleasures without
reflection on c o m peace of soul or on ourcosocial
our m
need 3 toialove
.
t and to give to others. Or i .
atwe can ia
f a f a 3 f a 3
w di
.exaggerate .di of "intellect," w.di
by becoming prisoners
w
ww alive only from the neck wwup. ww
When people live fully in all of their faculties,
m m
ia.co all of their powers, human
and harmonize
t .co nature
iat a
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3i
w .di w .di w .di
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
t . t .
i f a ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
will prove constructive and trustworthy. In other
words, as Rogers points out, when we function
c o mreactions may be trusted; c o m
freely,
i a t . our
i a .
t they will be ia
f a 3 f 3
positive, forward moving,aconstructive. This is a
f a 3
w .di great act of faith in w .di nature that too few of
human w .di
ww w are truly open to allwthat
us ever make: Ifwpeople w
they are, and if they function freely and fully in
all of their
o mpowers (senses, emotions,m
c behavior will harmonize o mind, and
will),
i a t.their i a t.c all the data of ia
f a 3 fa 3 f a 3
.di They will be on the w .di to growth, and that is w.di
their powers, and will be balanced and realistic.
w path
ww our human destiny, ww not perfection but growth. ww
omVS. REACTING
ACTING
c c om
a 3 iat. a3 ia t .
a 3 ia
w .dif Sydney
The fully human person is
w . dianf actor, not a reactor. w.dif
ww wsyndicated columnist, tells
Harris, the
w
story of accompanying his friend to a newsstand.
w wthe
The friend greeted the newsman very courteous
t . om
ly, butcin return received gruff and
t . c m
odiscourteous
i f a 3ia Accepting the newspaper
service.
i f a 3ia that was i f a 3ia
w .d shoved rudely in hiswdirection,
.d the friend of
wa.d
w w Harris politely w
smiled
w and wished the w w
newsman
nice weekend. As the two friends walked down
the street, the columnist asked:
co m c o m
i . t .
at he always treat you3soiarudely?" ia
f a 3"Does
f a fa 3
w .di w .di w .di
ww ww he does."
"Yes, unfortunately ww
"And aremyou always so polite and m
friendly to
o o
at.c
him?"
i at.c i 3i a
w . w . w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
i
36 f a 3 WHY AM I AFRAID TOfa
i 3iaYOU WHO I AM?
TELL
i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
"Yes, I am."
c m
o so nice to him when het.cisoso
"Why aret.you
m
a a ia
a3i to you?"
unfriendly a3i a 3
ww wwhim to decide how I'm
"Because I don't want ww
going to act."
m
co is that "fully human" co are m
The sugge
a t .stion
i persons," that they doa3not a t .people
i bend to ia
f a
"their 3
own f f a 3
w .di wind which blows, w
every .dithey are not at the w.di
that
ww mercy of all the pettinwess,
w the meanness, the ww
ifrnpatience and anger of others. Atmospheres do
not transform them
c o m as much as they transform
c om
ia t .
their atmospheres. ia t . ia
d i f a3 di f a3 d i f a3
w w. Most of us, unfortunately,
w w.feel like a floating ww.
w boat at the mercy of the
w winds and waves. We w
have no ballast when the winds rage and the
waves churn. o
c m say things like: "He made
We
c omme
t . t .
so mad."
i f a 3ia"You really get to me."i f a 3ia remark
"Her
i f a 3ia
w d
.embarrassed .d weather really
me terribly." "This .d
w depresses me." "This job w w
really bores me." "The ww
w very sight of him saddens w me." w
c o
Note that.all m things are doing something
these c o m to
i t emotions. I have nothingiato
amy .
t say about ia
me and3to 3 3
f a
di anger, depression, sadness, f a fa
w .my w .di and so on. And w .di
ww like everyone else weware w content to blame others,ww
circumstances, and bad luck. Fully human
people, as Shakespeare puts it in Julius Caesar,
com
know thatt."the t
fault, dear Brutus, is not. c o m our
with
a3 ia a3 ia a 3i a
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
c o m c om
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
c om co m
iat . iat. ia
a 3 a3 a3
w .dif w .d i f
w .d i f
ww ww ww
co m c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
ww ww ww
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
m m
ia t.co ia t.co i a
a3 a3 a 3
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . t .
i
38 f a 3 i f a 3ia i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
WHY AM I AFRAID TO TELL YOU WHO I AM?
ww w w w w
stars, but with ourselves." We must learn that we
can rise above the dust of daily battle that chokes
and blindst.soc m of us. This is precisely
omany c o m
i a i a .
t what ia
a
is asked
i f 3 of us in the process ofifgrowth
a 3 as a i f a 3
d
w.person. w.d w .d
ww ww ww
There is nothing implied here that suggests
c om
repression of emotions
c o m
or that denies the fullness
of life inaour
i .
t senses and emotions. The i .
at sugges ia
f a 3 fa 3 f a 3
w di
tion is
.emotions.
rather of balance and
w
In fully alive human.di beings, there can w.di
integration of
ww be no such thing as either ww deadening or ww

unconditionally surrendering to the senses or
emotions. om
c om c
3 i at. 3 i at. 3i a
a
if alive people listen to,.dare
dFully a
if attuned to their d i f a
w .senses w surrendering to ww
.
w
w them would imply abdication
w w
and emotions. However,
w
of intellect and
choice. These are the precise powers that make
human beings c m than brute animals,cthough
omore om a
t . t .
i f 3iathan the angels. We will
little less
a i f a ia more of
3say i f a 3ia
w d reconciliation of senses,
.this w .demotions, intellect, w.d
w w and will in the next w w
chapter (see "Rule three"). w w
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww 3 ww
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
c om com
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
TT
■ ■ arry Stack Sullivan, one of the more
JLt.co
m m
cofo interpersonal
i a
JL eminent psychiatrists
a t .
i propounded the ia
a 3 relationships in our times,a 3
has a 3
w .dif theory that all personal w .difgrowth, all personal w.dif
ww ww
damage and regression, as well as all personal ww
healing and growth, come through our relation
ships with
c o m others. There is a persistent,
c o m if
3 i at.
uninformed, suspicion in most
3 i . us that we can
atof 3ia
i f a solve our own problemsifa and be the masters of i f a
w w.d our own ships ofwlife. w.dThe fact of the matter isww.d
w that by ourselves w we can only be consumed w by
our problems and suffer shipwreck. What I am,
at any o
c m moment in the process
given
c o m of my
i at .
becoming i at .
a person, will be determined by my ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .di love me, with thosewwhom
relationships with
.di I love or refuse to w.di
those who love me or refuse to
ww love.
w w w w
o m that a relationship will

It isccertain c o m
be only as
t .
ia as its communication. If3yout .
ia and I can a
a3good a a 3i
ww ww 39 ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
i
40 f a 3 i
WHY AM I AFRAID TO f a 3iaYOU WHO I AM?
TELL i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
honestly tell each other who we are, that is, what
we think, judge, feel, value, love, honor and
c o m desire, hope for, believe c o m
esteem, hate,
i a t . fear,
i a .
t in, ia
and are
f a 3 committed to, then and then
f a 3 only can
f a 3
w .di of us grow. Then andwthen
each .di alone can we be w .di
ww what we really are, sayww what we really think, tell ww
what we really feel, express what we really love.
This is the real meaning
m of authenticity as am
person, that t . o
cmy exterior truly reflectsatmy . co
3 a
iIt means I can be honestain3ithe com 3 ia
f a
interior. f f a
w .di
munication of my person w di This I cannot w.di
to .others.
ww do unless you help me. ww Unless you help me, I ww
cannot grow, or be happy, or really come alive.
om
.cfree and able to say myiathoughts
tbe t.c om
I have ito
3 a 3
to
3 ia
you, a
if to tell you about my judgments a
if and values, if a
w.todexpose w . d w . d
ww admit to you my failures wwand shames, to share ww
to you my fears and frustrations, to
my triumphs, before I can really be sure what it

is that I am and
t . c om
can become. I must be able
t . c om
to tell
you who
i f a 3iaI am before I can knowi f a 3iaI am. And I
who
i f a 3ia
w .d know who I am before
must
w .Idcan act truly, that .d
ww is, in accordance with my ww true self. w ww
THE SUBJECT-OBJECT RELATIONSHIP
m m
i .co
VS. THE "ENCOUNTER"
at .co i at i a
3 ifa 3
ifa language of existential.dpsychology, i fa 3
w .
In dthe
w w.d
ww "encounter" describeswawspecial relationship ww
between two persons. It implies that a commu
nion or communication of persons has been
c o m c o m
t .
achieved. One
ia
existence is .
t to
communicating
ia a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
i f a 3ia 41 i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
another existence, is sharing with another.
Gabriel Marcel calls this kind of relationship an
c o m communion," a real cfusiono m of two
i .
"ontological
at To illustrate what this i t.
ameans, ia
f a 3
people.
f a 3 Marcel
f a 3
w .di explains that very oftenw .diour emotions and w.di
ww sympathy do not wwspring to life at all whenwwew
encounter the suffering of others in our daily
lives. Somehow,
m Marcel goes on, I just m cannot
o
t.c to them; they are justia"not
respond o
t.c there" for me.
3 i a 3 3 ia
f a But if we should open a fa
letter from a friend many f a
w .di miles away telling us w disome great disaster or w.di
.of
ww sickness, we are watw once with that friend, suffer
ww
ing with him or her; we are together without any
m
qualification.
o co m
i a t.c i a t . ia
a 3 a3 a 3
w .dif philosopher
In the words of MartinifBuber, the Jewish
w . d
of interpersonality, it is in the w w . d if
ww w w
encounter that the other individual no longer w is a
person of impersonality, a "he" or "she," but
becomes
t . c om t . c om
for my "I" a sensitized, correlative
a ia
3"Thou." a ia [New York:
(See Martin Buber,3I-Thou
a 3ia
i f
.d Scribner, 1958].) Thewother i f
.d person becomes, in w.d i f
w
ww some mysteriousw
w and almost undefinable way,
w
special being in my eyes, a part of my world, and
wa
a part of my self. Insofar as it is possible, I enter
into thec o m of the other's reality
world c o m he or she
and
i .
at into the world of my3reality.
i .
at There has ia
f a 3enters
f a f a 3
w .di been some kind of fusion, w .di even though each ofwus.di
ww always remainswawdistinct self. As e. e. cummings
ww
writes:
m m
iat.co not half two. It's two are
"One's
ia
o of one."
t.chalves i a
i f a3 if a3 fa 3
w . d w. d w .di
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
i f a 3 i f a 3iaYOU WHO I AM? i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
42 WHY AM I AFRAID TO TELL
ww w w w w
My friend of encounter is no longer someone
"out there somewhere" who serves my purposes,
c o m c o m
or who belongs
i . to my club, or who
at.
aist no such subject-object3relationship;
works
i
with
ia
a 3
me. fOurs f a f a 3
w .dihave experienced that w
we .di
mysterious but certain w .di
ww communion of togetherness.ww It is this that the ww
existential psychologists call "encounter." And
the stuff of which
c o m encounter is made is honest
c o m
at
communication.
i. at . i a i
.
w Where true encounter w .
w and we are saying ww
exists, .
ww w
that it is absolutely essential for growth as a w
person, the concern of the persons in such an
encounter is not
t. c omso much with the problemst . c omand
a ia as with the communion,
their solutions
3 a 3 ia the a 3 ia
w dif I open myself andwmy
sharing.
.your . f
diworld to you for
w . dif
ww worldentry, and you open
w w yourself and your ww
to me for me to enter. I have allowed you
to experience me as a person, in all the fullness of
my person, and
t . c om
I have experienced you c
t .
m
inothis
way. And
i f a 3iafor this, I must tell you
i f a 3ia I am and
who
i f a 3ia
w .d must tell me the samewabout
you .d yourself. Com w .d
w w
w munication is the onlywavenue to communion. w w
This is why psychologists such as Erich Fromm
c om love anyone without
say that wet.cannot t .c o m
loving
everyone3i amore. If I can communicate 3 i awith you 3 ia
f a f a fa
w .di you with me only on w
and .di
a "subject-object" level, w .di
ww we will probably bothwcommunicate
w with others, ww
and even with God, on this same level. We will
remain isolatedm subjects; others and God will m
. c o . c o
at
remain merely
i "objects" in our world,at but
i not
ia
di f a3 d if a3 di fa3
ww. w . w.
w ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
experiences. Unless we have been opened up by
such an encounter, we will have so-called
c o m and will perhaps retain c o m
i a .
friendships,
t i a .
t a so-called ia
f a 3 f a 3
religious faith (a kind of relationship with God),
f a 3
w .di mostly because these w di things that are
.are w .di
ww somehow expected ww of us. These relationships ww
with others will be social amenities and nothing
more. There m will be no personal meaning m in
them. t.c o t.c o
f
.di The world of people f
.dini subject-object relationw
.di f
w w
ww w objects, things to be manipu
wof
ships is a world ww
lated, to serve as distractions or sources of
pleasure. The possessions of such people may be
.
beautiful
t c omand expensive or common t . c omand cheap,
3 i a 3 i a They will come to a3i
a
a but these people will be lonely. a
w .dif the end of life without w
if having really lived. .dif
.dever w
w w The dynamic w w
process of personhood will w w
become
a static thing like debris floating on stagnant
waters. When
c o m the process of personhood c o m is
3 i at. all of life becomes a3terrible
stifled,
i at. bore. If the ia
i f a edges of reality for a humanlyi f a isolated person are ifa3
w w.d sharp, life can bewvery w.dpainful. There will seem w wto.d
w be need for those w artificially induced but short w
lived stimuli called "kicks." These kicks are little
attempts
co mto run away from life, short c o m"trips," in
ani .
t to escape the inexorable
aeffort i .
at intrusion of ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di without true friends.
reality and the
.di
essential
w
loneliness of the person
w .di
w w ww w w
Human life has its laws, one of which is: We
must usem m whose
things and love people. People
. c o . c o
a3iat lives are lived on the subject-object
whole iat a3
level
a 3i a
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
c om co m
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
co m c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w .difa w . difa w. d i f a
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww ^orcfuoe tfic invitation,ww
w w
to interperoonav
co m encounter c o m io
i a t . i a t . ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .dito be an isolated w .di dot in tiew.di
ww ww ww
center m
of a gtcat circle m
t.c o t.c o
ia ia 3i a
w
a3
.adifomM idaru{.dif
w
in a
a3 vaot ocean.
w .di fa
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
find that they love things and use people. It is the
death warrant for happiness and human
m m
i .co
fulfillment.
at i at .co ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .di INTERPERSONALwENCOUNTER
.di AND
w .di
ww ww OF COMMUNICATION
THE FIVE LEVELS ww
Someone has aptly distinguished five levels of
c om c o m relate to
.
at another. Perhaps it will3help
communication
i
on which .
at our under
persons
i
can
ia
f a 3one f a f a 3
w .di standing of these levels w .dito visualize a person w.di
ww locked inside ofww a prison. The prisoner in our ww
example is a man, but he represents every human
being. He
c o mis urged by an inner insistence
c o m to go
out
i . others and yet afraid toiado
atto t. so. The five ia
a 3 a3 a 3
.dif a little later, represent if .dif
levels of communication, which will be described
w w .dfive degrees of w
willingness
ww to go outside of
w
wthe self, to communicate the wwself
to others.
t . c om t . c om
3 a man in the prison—and
iThe 3 iahe is everyone— 3ia
i f a i f a i f a
w.d grated iron doorsware w.dnot locked. He can go w .d
has been there for years, although ironically the
w outw
w w
of his prison, but in his long detention he has
w
learned to fear the possible dangers that he might
co
encounter.m He has come to feel some c o msort of
i .
at and protection behind i .
athet walls of his ia
f a 3
safety
f a 3 fa 3
w .di prison, where he iswa .voluntary
di captive. The
w .di
ww w shields him from a w
darkness of hiswprison w
clear
view of himself. He is not sure what he would
look like in broad daylight. Above all, he is not
comthe world, which he sees
suret.how t . c o m behind
from
a3 ia a3 ia a 3i a
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . a t .
i
46 f a 3 a 3iYOU
WHY AM I AFRAID TO fTELL
i WHO I AM?
i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
bars, and the people whom he sees moving about
in that world, would receive him. He is frag
c o m o m
almost desperate need for.cthat
mented by an .
iatfor those people, and,aat3the
iat same ia
f 3
worldaand
f f a 3
w .di by an almost desperate
time, w di of the risks of
.fear w .di
ww rejection he would be w w if he ended his
taking ww
isolation.
m
cois reminiscent of whataViktor com
t
This prisoner
ia . t
i for. ia
f
Frankl a 3
writes, in his book Man's f a 3
Search f a 3
w .di
Meaning, w .di in the Nazi
about his fellow prisoners w .di
ww concentration camp atwDachau. w These prisoners w
w
yearned desperately for their freedom. Yet some
of them had been
c o mheld captive so long that c om
when
they were i a t.
eventually released, they a t
walked
i . out ia
a
intoifthe3sunlight, blinked nervously,if a3 and then if a 3
w . d w . d
silently walked back intowthe familiar darkness of w w . d
ww the prison. They had been w accustomed to this w
darkness for such a long time.
t . c om t . c om
i f 3 a visualized, if somewhat
This is ithe
a i f a
a
3idramatic, i f a 3ia
w .d
dilemma
w .d at some time in w.d
that all of us experience
ww our w of becoming persons. ww
lives and in the process
w
Most of us make only a weak response to the
invitation of encounter with others and our
world because c o m feel uncomfortable in cexposing
we o m
i .
at as persons. Some of3usiaare .
t willing ia
f 3
our nakedness
a f a fa 3
w .di to pretend this exodus,w.while
only di others some w .di
ww how find in themselveswthe w courage to go all the ww
way out to freedom. There are various stages in
between. These stages are described below,
c o m of the five levels of commu
c o m
t .
under the headings
ia t . ia a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
nication. The fifth level, to be considered first,
represents the least willingness to communicate
c o mto others. The successive, c o m
i a .
ourselves
t i a .
t descending ia
i f a 3levels indicate greater and
i f a 3
greater success in the
i f a 3
w.d adventure. w.d w.d
ww ww ww
Level Five: Cliche Conversation. This level
represents m the weakest response to m the human
o
t.c and the lowest leveliaoft.cself
dilemma o
3 ia 3 3 ia
f a communication. In fact, f a
there is no communi f a
w .di cation here at all, unless w .di by accident. On this w.di
ww level, we talk w
w
in cliches, such as: "How arewyou?"
w
"How is your family?" "Where have you been?"
We say m things like: "I like your dress mvery
c o c o
3 i at. "I hope we can get3together
much." i at. again real 3 ia
a a a
w .dif really mean almostwnothing
soon." "It's really
.dif of what we are w.dif
good to see you." In fact, we
ww asking or saying. wwIf the other party were towbegin w

answering our question "How are you?" in
detail,o
c mwould be astounded. Usually
we
c om and
ia t . t .
i f a 3fortunately, i f a 3ia the super
the other party senses
i f a 3ia
w .d ficiality and conventionality w .d of our concern and .d
ww question. Peoplew
w usually oblige by simply giving
w ww
the standard answer, "Just fine, thank you."
This. coism c o
the conversation, the noncommuni
.
m
i a t i a t ia
f a 3cation, of the cocktail party,
f a 3 the club meeting,
fa 3
w .di the neighborhood w .di
laundromat, and so on. There .di
w
ww is no sharing of w
wpersons ww
at all. Everyone remains
safely in the isolation of his or her pretense,
sham, sophistication. The whole group seems to
c o morder to be lonely together.c o mIt is well
t
gather .
ia
in t .
ia a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . a t .
48i f a 3 a 3iYOU
WHY AM I AFRAID TOifTELL WHO I AM? i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
summarized in the lyrics of Paul Simon's
"Sounds of Silence/' used so effectively in the
m m
.co
movie The tGraduate:
ia t. c o
ia ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
.d
w"And in the naked nightwI w
saw .d w .d
w
w Ten thousand people,wmaybe more, ww
People talking without speaking,
People hearing m without listening, m
. c o . c o
3 iat songs that voices never
People writing
3 i at shared. ia
fa dared
No ione
d d ifa d i f a3
. . .
w wwDisturb the sounds of silence."
ww w ww
w
Level Four: Reporting the Facts about Others. On
this fourth level,
t. c omwe do not step very far t . c om
outside
the prison
a 3 ia of our loneliness into areal
3 iacommuni a 3 ia
w dif because we expose w
cation
.ourselves. . dif nothing of
almost
w . dif
ww what so-and-so w
We remain contented
w to tell others
has said or done. We offer no
ww
personal, self-revelatory commentary on these
facts. We simply
t . c omreport them. Just as most
t . c oofmus,
at times,
i f a 3iahide behind cliches, soifwe
a
a seek
3ialso i f a 3ia
w .d in gossip items, conversation
shelter
w .d pieces, and
w.d
w w little narrations about w w
others. We give nothing of w w
ourselves and invite nothing from others in
return.
co m c o m
i .
at My Ideas and Judgments. i t
aOn . ia
Level
f a 3
Three:
f a 3 this
fa 3
w .di there is some communication
level, w .di of my person. w.di
ww I am willing to take this
wwstep out of my solitary ww
confinement. I will take the risk of telling you
some of my ideas
m and reveal some of my m
o
.c decisions. My communication
judgmentstand t.co
a3 ia a3 ia a 3i a
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d ww
.d
ww w w w
Most people tend
TO OVERCOMPENSATE ....
c o m c o m
i at . PEOPLE WHO i .
atARE ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .di .di WITH DOUBTS
RIDDLED
w w .di
ww ww TO BE
TEND ww
DOGMATISTS
t.c om ARE NEVER oWRONG.

WHO m
t. c
ia i a ia
a3 a3 a3
w .dif w .d i f
w .d i f
ww ww ww
co m c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
ww ww ww
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
m m
ia t.co ia t.co i a
a3 a3 a 3
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . t .
a WHO I AM?
50i f a 3 i f a
WHY AM I AFRAID TO TELL 3iYOU i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
usually remains under a strict censorship,
however. As I communicate with you, I will be
watching you c o m
carefully. I want to test the c o m
i .
at of the water before I leap i ain..
t I want ia
fa 3
temperature 3
ifawith my ideas, f a 3
bei sure that you will accept.dme
to.d .d i
w w w
ww judgments, and decisions. wwIf you raise your ww
eyebrow or narrow your eyes, if you yawn or
look at your watch, I will probably retreat to
c o m run for the cover of silence c o m or
safer ground.
i .
atsubject of conversation.3Oriaworse,
I will t . ia
change
if a 3
the
i fa I
i f a3
d
. start to say things I suspect
wwill d
w. that you want w .d
w
w me to say. I will try to w w
be whatever pleases you. ww
Someday, perhaps,
c o m when I develop the ccourage
om I
a t
and the intensity
iall . of desire to grow as a t .
person,
ia and heart ia
a 3 a 3 a 3
.d f you. It will be my moment .dif of truth. It may w.dif
will ispill of the contents of my mind
wbefore w
ww even be that I have already ww done so, but still you ww
can know only a little about my person, unless I
am willing to advance
t . c om to the next level tof.cselfom
aia
communication.
3 a 3 ia a 3 ia
.d i f i f i f
w w w.d —"Gut Level." ww.d
w Level Two: My Feelings (Emotions)
w It might not occur to many
w of us that, once we w
have revealed our ideas, judgments, and
decisions, there co mreally much more of our
is c o m
persons3toi t .
ashare. i .
t most
athat i a
3
Actually, the things
ifa differentiate and individuateifa me from i fa 3
w . d
clearly
w . d w.d
ww others, that make the communication
ww of my ww
person a unique knowledge, are my feelings
or emotions.
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t . t
i f a 3 INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
i f a 3ia 51 fa3
i
ia
w w.d w w.d w w.d
w w w
If I really want you to know who I am, I must
tell you about my stomach (gut level) as well as
my.c o m My ideas, judgments,cand
head. o mdecisions are
i .
at conventional. If I am3iaaRepublican
t i at
3 quite
ifa Democrat by persuasion,
or
ifa I have a lot of company. ifa 3
w . d . d . d
ww If I am for orw ww space exploration, there
against
w
ww will
be others who will support me in my conviction.
But the feelings that lie under my ideas, judg
c om c o mmine. No
i .
at supports a political party,
ments, and convictions are
i .
at or has a religious
uniquely
i at
3
ifa conviction, or is committed
one 3
ifa to a cause with my .difa 3
w . d w . d w
ww exact feelingswofwfervor or apathy. No oneww
experiences my precise sense of frustration,
m my fears, feels mycpassions.
labors under
c o om
i a t.
Nobody opposes war with
imy
a t . particular
i at
3
ifa indignation or supports 3
ifapatriotism with my .difa 3
. d . d
www w
unique sense ofwloyalty.
w ww
w
It is these feelings, on this level of communi
cation,
t . c omthat I must share with youoif
t . c mI am to tell
3 ia who I really am. To illustrate
you
3 i a this, I would 3 i at
. d ifa like to put in the left-hand
.d ifa column a judgment, .difa
w ww column some of thewww
ww and in the right-hand
w
possible emotional reactions to this judgment. If I
tell you only the contents of my mind, I will be
o
withholding
c m a great deal about cmyself,o m especially
i .
atthose areas where I am3uniquely
i at . i at
a 3 in
fa myself.
personal,
a 3
.dif most individual, most
w w .dideeply .dif
w
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . iat
di f a3 d if a3 i fa 3
ww. w . w.d
w ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . t .
a WHO I AM?
i
52 f a 3 i f a
WHY AM I AFRAID TO TELL 3iYOU i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w
w Some possible w w
Judgment
emotional reactions
com c o m
I think 3
a iat.
that you are
a 3
. . . and I am i t.
ajealous.
a 3 ia
.d i f
intelligent.
f
.di I feel frustrated.
. . . and .di f
w w w
ww ww. . . and I feel proud to beww
your friend.
. . . and it makes me ill at
c om c o m
iat . ease with you.
t .
iasuspicious ia
ifa 3 3
. . . andfIafeel
i f a 3
w . d w .dyou.
of w .di
ww ww. . . and I feel inferior to ww
you.
co m . . . and I feel impelled

c om to
i a t. i t.
imitate oracompete
ia
f a3 a 3 a 3
i .difI feel like .dif
with you.
w. d . .w. and w
ww ww running away from ww
you.
c o m . . . and I feel the o

c m
desire
a t . t .
ia you. ia
a3i
to humiliate
a 3 a 3
.dif
w Most of us feel that others
i f
.d not tolerate such w.d
wwill
i f
w
w emotional honesty in w w w w
communication. We would
rather defend our dishonesty on the grounds that
o m Having rationalizedcoour
it might hurtcothers. m
i .
atinto nobility, we settle for i t .
asuperficial ia
phoniness
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di
relationships.
w
i in the case of
This occurs not.donly
w .di
ww casual acquaintances but wweven with members of ww
our own families; it destroys authentic commu
nion within marriages and families. Conse
quently, wet.c om do not grow, nort.cdoom
ourselves
a3 ia a3 ia a 3ia
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
we help anyone else to grow. Meanwhile we
have to live with repressed emotions—a danger
c o mself-destructive path tocfollow.
o m Any
ous
i at . and
i .
at nature of true ia
f a 3 relationship that is to have
f a 3the
f a 3
w .di personal encounterw.must di be based on this honest, w .di
ww open, gut-level wwcommunication. The alternativeww is
to remain in a prison of isolation, to endure inch-
by-inchm death as a person. m
ia t.co i a t.co ia
f a 3 We will say more of fa
this3level of communi f a 3
w .di cation, after describing
w .di the first and deepest level
w .di
ww ww between persons. ww
of communication
c o m Peak Communication.cAll
Level One:
o mdeep and
3 i at.
authentic
3 i at.
friendships, and especially the union of
3 ia
a a a
w .dif those who are married,ifmust be based on abso if
w .d w .d
ww wwwill be most difficult, butwitwis at
lute openness and honesty. At times, gut-level
communication
these precise times that it is most necessary.
Among
t . c omclose friends or between t . c om in
partners
a
3imarriage there will come from3ia time to time a 3ia
i f a i f a i f a
.d complete emotional .and
w d personal communion. .d
ww w ww w ww
In our human condition this can never be a
permanent experience. There should and will be,
co
however,mmoments when encounter c o mattains
i .
at communication. At3ithese .
at times the two ia
f a 3 perfect
f a fa 3
w .di persons will feel an w di perfect and mutualw.di
.almost
ww wwthat my own reactions are
empathy. I know ww
shared completely by my friend; my happiness
or my grief
m is perfectly reduplicatedmin him or
her. o t.c o
t.cWe are like two musical instruments playing
a3 ia a3 ia a 3 i a
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
i
54 f a 3 a 3iaYOU WHO I AM?
WHY AM I AFRAID TOfTELL
i i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
exactly the same note, filled with and giving
forth precisely the same sound. This is what is
c o m c o m
meant by level
i . one, peak communication.
at Religions, Values, and Peaki . (Cf. A.
atExperiences, ia
ifa 3
H. Maslow,
ifa 3 i f a 3
w . d
1964.) w . d w .d
ww ww ww
"RULES" FOR GUT-LEVEL
COMMUNICATION
m m
a t . co a t . co
i
a3 and human lovedare i
ato3 mature a3 ia
. d f
If friendship
i i f
. must be absolute w. d i f
w wbetween any two persons,w
w there
w
w and honest mutual revelation.
w This kind of self w
revelation can be achieved only through what we
c o m
have called "gut-level" communication. There
c om is
no otheria t. and all the reasons that
way, i . adduce
atwe ia
if a 3
to rationalize our cover-ups and a3
if dishonesty must if a 3
w.bedseen w . d w . d
ww me to tell you how I really
ww feel about you than to ww
as delusions. It would be much better for
enter into the stickiness and discomfort of a

om
phony relationship.
t.c om c
ia i at. 3ia
i f a3 i f a 3 i f a
w .dDishonesty always has awway
.d of coming back to w.d
ww haunt w if I should have to tellww
and trouble us. Even
w
you that I do not admire or love you emotionally,
it would be much better than trying to deceive
you and having c o mto pay the ultimate pricecoofmall
i .
at your greater hurt 3and i .
atmine. ia
f 3
such deception,
a f a And
fa 3
w .di will have to tell me things,
you
w .di at times, that will w.di
ww be difficult for you towshare.
w But really, you have ww
no choice. If I want your friendship, I must be
ready to accept you as you are. If either of us
c o m c o m
comes to thet . relationship
ia
without this .
t
deter
ia a
w . d w . d w .d
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www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w w.d w w.d w .d
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mination of mutual honesty and openness, there
can be no friendship, no growth. Rather, there
c
cant.be
m a subject-object kindcofom
oonly
i a i a t. thing that is ia
i f a 3 f a 3
typified by adolescent bickering, pouting,
f a 3
w.d jealousy, anger, and di
w.accusations. w.d
i
ww ww ww
The classic temptation in this matter, and it
would seemm to be the most destructive m of all
o
t.c in this area of human
delusions
o
t.crelations, is this:
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
f a We are tempted to f
thinkathat communication of f a
w .di an unfavorable emotional w .di reaction will tend towbe.di
ww wwyou that it bothers me when
divisive. If I tell wwyou
do something you are accustomed to doing, I
may be m m be better
tempted to believe that it would
c o c o
3
not
i at.to mention it. Our relationship
3 i at. will be more 3 ia
a a
if peaceful. You wouldn'tifunderstand, anyway. if a
w .d w .d w .d
w w w
w myself, and each timewyou do w
So I keep it inside
your thing my stomach keeps score—2 ... 3 ... 4
t . c om
...5...6...7...8... Then one o
t . c m you do the
day
a ia thing that you haveaalways

3same 3ia done and all ifa3ia
i f
.d hell breaks loose. All i f
.dthe while I was feeling w.d
w w
ww annoyed, I was w
w w
keeping it inside and somewhere,
w
secretly, learning to hate you. My good thoughts
were slowly turning to gall.
co m c o m
i .
t it finally erupted in ione
aWhen .
at great emotional ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di avalanche, you didn't w
i
.dunderstand. You thought .di
w
ww ofw
that this kind w ww for.
reaction was totally uncalled
The bonds of our love seemed fragile and about
to break. And it all started when I thought: "I
c o m c o m
t
don't.
ia
like what she [he] is t
doing,.
ia
but it would be
a
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
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c o m c o m
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iat . i a t . ia
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com c om
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better not to say anything. The relationship will
be more peaceful." That was all a delusion, and I
c o m told you in the beginning.
c o m Now
should
i . have .
at has been an emotional3idivorce.
at ia
f a 3
there
f a Our rela
f a 3
w .di tionship is strainedwor.druptured.
i And all becausew .di
ww I wanted to keepwwthe peace between us. ww
Rule one:m Gut-level communication (emotional
m
t .
openness c o and honesty) must never t . c o
imply a judgment
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
f a of the other. I am simply fa
not mature enough to f a
w .di enter into true friendship w .di unless I realize that Iw.di
ww cannot judge the wwintention or motivation ofww
another. I must be humble and sane enough to
bow before
c o m the complexity and mystery c o m of a
at. being. If I judge you,3i1ahave
human
3 i t. only revealed
3 ia
a a a
w .dif my own immaturity andif ineptness for
w . d w . dif
ww friendship.
w w w w
Emotional candor as such does not ever imply a
judgment
t . c omof you. In fact, it event.abstains
c om from
a ia judgment of myself. For
3any a
a
3iexample, if I were to
a 3ia
i f i f
.d say to you, "I am illwat.dease with you," I have w.d i f
w
ww been emotionallywhonest and at the same time
w w
have not implied in the least that it is your fault
w
that I am ill at ease with you. Perhaps it is my
c o m complex or my exaggerated
own .inferiority c o m
i at of your intelligence.3iIaam .
t not saying it is ia
f a 3concept
f a f a 3
w .di anyone's fault, but w .di giving a report of myw.di
simply
ww ww to you at this time. ww
emotional reaction
If I were to say to you that I feel angry or hurt

c o m c o m
t
ia.
by something you have done ort .
said,
ia
I have not
i a
i f a3 if a3 fa 3
w . d w . d w .di
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
i
58 f a 3 i
WHY AM I AFRAID TO f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
judged you. Perhaps it is my own self-love that
has made me so sensitive, or my inclination to
c o m c o msure,
paranoia (a. persecution complex). I am
iat cases, I can never beasure. . not
iat To be sure ia
and ain3most 3 a 3
f
di imply a judgment.wI can
.would f
.di only say for sure w.di f
w
ww that this has been andwiswmy emotional reaction. ww
If I were to tell m you that I am annoyed bym
something t .
you
o o
c do, again I cannot beasot.carrogant
a
3i that your action would 3 i 3 ia
f
as ito athink i fa annoy anyone.
di f a
w .Iddo not even mean that your w .daction is in any way w.
ww wrong or offensive. Iwsimply w mean that here and ww
now I experience annoyance. Perhaps it is my
headache or my
c o mindigestion or the fact thatc o mI did
at. sleep last night. I really
not get imuch
3 3 i . not
atdo 3 ia
a
dif All that I know is this, a
if I am trying to
dthat dif a
w .know. w . w .
ww moment. ww
tell you that I am experiencing annoyance at this w
w
t . c om be helpful in mostt.cases
It would probably
c omto
preface a gut-level communication
3iour 3ia with some 3ia
i f a
d of a disclaimer to assure i f a i f a
w .kind w .dthe other that there w.d
ww is no judgment implied. wwI might begin by saying,ww
"I don't know why this bothers me, but it does
... I guess I'm just hypersensitive. I really don't
mean to imply c o m o
that it is your fault, but.Icdo mfeel
.
at you are saying." 3iat
hurt by
ifa 3iwhat ifa ifa 3ia
w . d . d .d
ww Of course, the mainw ww is that there is in fact www
thing
no judgment. If I am in the habit of judging the
intentions or motivation
m of another, I should
m try
o
.coutgrow this immature habit.
very hard tto o
t.c I
a3 ia a3 ia a 3i a
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3ia 59 i f a 3 ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
simply will not be able to disguise my judg
ments, no matter how many disclaimers I make.
c o m c om
ia t . t.
a 3 On the other hand, if I am a 3 ia
really mature enough a3ia
. d f . f
i to refrain from such judgments,
d i this too will . d if
w w ww
ww ww
eventually be apparent. If I really want to wknow
the intention or motivation or reaction of
another, m there is only one way to find m out: I must
o
.c person. (Don't pass thisiaby
ask tthe
o
t.clightly. You
ia ia
.d ifa3don't have X-ray eyes either!)
ifa3
.d .d i f a3
w w w w w w
w w w
Perhaps a word should be inserted here about
the difference between judging a person and
judging an
c o m action. If I see someone c o m
stealing
a t.
another's
i money, I can judge i a t
that. this action is ia
a 3 a 3 a 3
w .dif morally w . dif judge the person. Itwis.dif
wrong, but I cannot
ww w or me, to judge humanww

for God, not for you
w
responsibility. If, however, we could not judge
the rightness or wrongness of an action in itself,
it would
t . c om t . c m
be the end of all objectiveomorality. Let
i f a 3usianot fall into this, thatifthere

a 3iais nothing objec ifa3ia
w .d tively wrong or right, w .dthat it is all in the way you wof.d
w w look at it. However,
w w to judge the responsibility
w w
another is playing God.
Rule c o mEmotions are not moral c(good

two: o mor bad).
i at . i .
at accept the fact ia
f a 3
Theoretically,
f a 3
most of us would
fa 3
w .di that emotions are neitherw .di meritorious nor sinful. w .di
ww ww or being annoyed, or experi
Feeling frustrated, ww
encing fears and anger does not make one a good
or a bad m person. Practically, however, m most of us
o
t.c accept in our day-to-dayt.living
do not o
c what
a3 ia a3 ia a 3i a
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
i
60f a 3 i
WHY AM I AFRAID TO f a 3iaYOU WHO I AM?
TELL i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
we would accept in theory. We exercise a rather
strict censorship of our emotions. If our cen
c o m does not approve certain c o m
i .
soring conscience
atwe repress these emotions i t.
ainto ia
emotions,
f a 3 f a 3 our
f a 3
w .di
subconscious mind. Expertsw .dini psychosomatic w .di
ww medicine say that thewmost w common cause of ww
fatigue and actual sickness is the repression of
emotions. The fact m is that there are emotions m to
which we tdo
o
.c not want to admit. Weiaare o
t.cashamed
3 i a 3 3 ia
f
of oura fears, or we feel
di or our emotional and
guilty
di fa
because of our i f a
w.anger w.physical desires. w.d
ww ww ww
Before we can be liberated enough to practice
"gut-level communication," in which we will be
emotionally t. c om and honest, we mustt.cfeel
open om
a 3
convincedia that emotions are notamoral 3 ia but simply a 3 ia
w .dif My jealousies, my wanger,
factual. .dif my sexual w .dif
ww desires, my fears, andwsowon, do not make me a ww
good or bad person. Of course, these emotional
reactions must m
t .
will. Butabeforec o be integrated by my mind and
they can be integrated, t . c om I
before
a 3i whether I want to act
canifdecide i f a 3iathem or not,
on i f a 3ia
w.I dmust allow them to arise .d I must clearly hear w.d
wand
w w
w what they are sayingwto me. I must be able to say,ww
without any sense of moral reprehension, that I
om or sexually aroused. om
am afraid or angry
t.c t.c
3i a 3 i a 3 ia
i f a
Before I will be free enough f
to a
do this, however, fa
w .I dmust w .di are not moral, w.di
be convinced that emotions
ww neither good nor badwinwthemselves. I must be ww
convinced, too, that the experience of the whole
gamut of emotions
c o m is a part of the human c o m
condition, .
iatthe inheritance of every human.
iat being. a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3
INTERPERSONAL
i f
RELATIONSHIPSa 3ia 61 i f a 3 ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
Rule three: Feelings (emotions) must be integrated
with the intellect and will. It is extremely important
c o m this next point. Thecnonrepression
o m
i aour.
to understand
t i .
atmust experience, ia
f a 3
of emotions means that
f a 3
we
f a 3
w .di recognize, and accept w di emotions fully. It doesw.di
.our
ww not in any wayw w that we will always act
imply wwon
those emotions. Allowing our feelings or emo
tions to control
m our lives would be tragic m and the
worst o
t.cform of immaturity. It isiaone o
t.c thing to feel
3 i a 3 3 ia
f a and to admit to myself andfa to others that I am f a
w .di afraid, but it is another w
i
.dthing w
to allow this fear to .di
ww w
overwhelm me.wIt is one thing for me to feel
w
wand
to admit that I am angry, and another to punch
you in themnose. m
t.co t.c o
3 i a Will 3ia 3i a
w . difa w .difa w . d i f a
ww ww ww
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
at .
Intellect
i .
at (emotions)
Feelings
i ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di In the triangle above w .dwei see the three human w.di
ww wwbe integrated, that is, brought
faculties that must ww
into one harmonious wholeness, if one is to
advance in the process of becoming a person. If
c o m c o m
t .
the meaning
ia
of this integration t
is. clear,
ia
it is
i a
i f a3 if a3 fa 3
w . d w. d w .di
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
c om com
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
com c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3
INTERPERSONAL
i f
RELATIONSHIPSa 3ia 63
i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w w .d
w w w
apparent that the mind judges the necessity or
desirability of acting upon certain emotions that
have beenc o mfully experienced. Thencothemwill carries
i . at.
atjudgment into effect. For3iexample, ia
f a 3
this
f a I may feel
f a 3
w .di a strong fear of telling w
i the truth in some .di
.dyou w
ww given matter. The wwfact is, and it is neither goodww
nor bad in itself, that I am experiencing fear. I
allow myself to feel this fear fully, to recognize it
c o m mind makes the judgment c o m that I
i .
as such. My
at act not out of this fear i .
abutt in spite of it, ia
f a 3
should
fa 3 f a 3
w .di and that I should tellwyou .di the truth. The will w.di
ww ww out the judgment of the
consequently carries ww
mind. I tell you the truth.
om
t.c if I am seeking a real
However,
om
t.cand authentic
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
a a a
.dif level" communication, f .dif
relationship with you, and wish to practice “gut
w w .dI imust tell you something w
ww wwdon't know why . . . maybe
like this: "I really wwit's
my streak of cowardice . . . but I feel afraid to tell
you something,
t . c om and yet I know tthat . c oImmust be
a 3 ia with you . . . This isathe
honest
3 iatruth as I see a 3ia
d i
. f it . . ." d i f d i f
w w. w .
ww w w
Or, to take another example, maybe I feel very
ww
tender and loving toward you. As Chesterton
o
once remarked,
c m the meanest fear of c o mis the fear
all
ofi t .
asentiment. Perhaps it is our i t .
acultural heritage ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di or maybe it is the fearw direjection, but we oftenw.di
.of
ww wwreluctance to be externally
experience a great ww
tender and loving. Perhaps in this case my mind
will pass the judgment that it is right to act on
m omwill carries
.co of feeling, and againt.cmy
this timpulse
ia ia i a
i f a3 if a3 fa 3
w . d w . d w .di
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
ia YOU WHO I AM?
i f a
64 3 a
WHY AM I AFRAIDifTO
3TELL i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
the judgment into execution. It should be obvi
ous that in the integrated person, emotions are
c o m nor do they assumeccontrol
o m of
.
neither repressed
iat person. They are recognizedi .
at (What is ia
f 3
theawhole
f a 3 f a 3
w .diti that I am feeling?) andwintegrated
.di (Do I want to w.d
i
ww act on this feeling orwnot?).
w ww
Rule four: Inm "gut-level" communication, emotions m
t . c o
must be "reported." If I am to tell you . c
who
o
t I really
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
if
am, a I must tell you about my i fa
feelings, whether I f a
w .ddecide to act upon themwor .dnot. I may tell you w .di
ww that I am angry, explaining ww the fact of my angerww
without inferring any judgment of you, and not
intending to act
c o m upon this anger. I maycotell myou
that I iam
3 at.afraid, explaining the fact 3 i atof. my fear 3 ia
if a accusing you of being a
if its cause, and at if a
w .dwithout w . d w . d
ww must, if I am to openwmyself w
the same time not succumbing to the fear. But I w
to you, allow you w to
experience (encounter) my person and tell you
about my anger om and my fear.
t.c omc
ia i at. 3ia
i f a3 i f a 3 i f a
w .d It has been truly said that
w .dwe either speak out w.d
w w w w
(report) our feelings or we will act them out.
w w
Feelings are like steam that is gathering inside of
a kettle. Kept inside and gathering strength, they
can blow .the co m
human lid off, just as the c o m
steam
i aoft the kettle will blow off3the
i .
atlid of the i a
ifa 3
inside
a a 3
w .dkettle. w .dif w.d
i f
ww ww ww
We have already referred to the verdict, handed
down by psychosomatic medicine, that re
m m of
.co are the most common
pressed temotions
ia t . c ocause
ia a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
fatigue and actual sickness. This is part of the
"acting out" process. Repressed emotions may
c o moutlet in the "acting out"coofmheadaches,
i .
find their
atrashes, allergies, asthma, i t.
acommon ia
f a 3
skin
f a 3 colds,
f a 3
w .di aching backs or limbs. w
i can also be acted out.di
.dThey w
ww in the tightening ww of muscles, the slammingw ofw
doors, the clenching of fists, the rising of blood
pressure,m the grinding of teeth, or in m tears,
temper o
t.c tantrums, acts of violence. o
t.cWe do not
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
f a bury our emotions dead; fa
they remain alive in our f a
w .di subconscious mindswand .di intestines, to hurt andw.di
ww trouble us. It isw
w
not only much more conducive ww to
an authentic relationship to report our true
feelings, m but equally essential to our m integrity and
c o c o
iat.
health.
a3 a3 iat. a3 ia
di f di f d i f
w w. The most common w
.
wreason for not reportingw w.
our
w emotions is thatwwe do not want to admit to wthem
for one reason or another. We fear that others
might not
t . c omthink well of us, or actually
t . c omreject us,
oriapunish us in some way foria our emotional ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d candor. We have been w .dsomehow "programmed"w.d
ww w emotions as part of us.wWe
not to accept certain
w
are ashamed of them. Now we can rationalize
w
and say that we cannot report these emotions
because c o m would not be understood.
they c o m We
i .
at reason that reporting3them i .
at would disturb ia
f a 3
might
f a f a 3
w .di a peaceful relationship w .dori evoke an emotionallyw.di
ww w the other. But all of our
stormy reactionwfrom ww
reasons are essentially fraudulent, and our
silence can produce only fraudulent relation
c o m who builds a relationship c o m on less
t
ships. .
ia
Anyone t .
ia i a
i f a3 if a3 fa 3
w . d w . d w .di
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
ia YOU WHO I AM?
i f
66a 3 i f
WHY AM I AFRAID TO a 3TELL i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
than openness and honesty is building on sand.
Such a relationship will never stand the test of
c o m party to the relationship
time, and.neither c o mwill
i at it any noticeable benefits.
i at. ia
draw
a 3from a 3 a 3
ww Rule five: With rarew w
exceptions, emotions must be ww
reported at the time that they are being experienced.
It is much easier for most of us to report an
emotion tthat. c oismpast, a matter of history.t . c o m
It is
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
a
almost
f like talking about another
i talk about myself a year f a person when I f a
w .dcan w .dior two years ago, w .di
ww and admit that I waswvery w fearful or very angrywatw
that time. Because they were transient emotions
and are now gone,
c o m it is easy to dissociate c o m
these
feelingsi t. my person here andianow.
afrom t. It is ia
if a 3
difficult, however, to if
recapture aa3feeling once it if a 3
w .dhas passed into my personal w . d history. We are very w . d
ww often puzzled by such wwprevious emotions. "I ww
don't know why I ever got so excited." The time
to report emotions
t . c om is the time when tthey . c om are
3 a
being iexperienced. Even temporary
3 ia deferral of 3ia
i f a i f a i f a
.dthis report of emotions is unwise
w .d and unhealthy. .d
ww w ww w ww
All communication must obviously respect not
only the transmitter of the communication but
c
also the receiver o m who is to accept the communic o m
i t .
aConsequently, i .
atthat in the ia
cation.
i f a 3 f a 3
it could occur
i judgment may fa 3
w .dintegration of my emotions,
w .dmy w .di
ww dictate that this is not wwthe opportune moment toww
report my emotional reaction. If the receiver is so
emotionally disturbed that he or she could
c o mreceptive mood, and mycoreport m
hardly be t . in
ia
a t .ia a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
c o m c om
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3i at 3 i at 3 ia
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entrust w .di
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ia t . ia t .
i f a 3 WHY AM I AFRAIDif a 3TELL i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
68 TO YOU WHO I AM?
ww w w w w
would only be distorted somehow by the
c o m emotional state, itcmay

receiver's turbulent
o mbe
3at.have to defer this report.at.
that I will
i 3 i 3ia
i f a i f a i f a
w .d .d
w enough and the
But if the matter is serious w .d
ww w w
emotions strong enough, this period of defer w w
ment cannot be too long nor can I be frightened
or bullied into
c omcomplete repression ofcemotions.
o m
Pleaseia .
t that this period of deferment
note i .
at should ia
f a 3
i be a long one. It would fa 3 f a 3
w .dnever w .di seem that in most w.di
ww be cases shelving emotions
a rare thing.
w w even temporarily shouldww
However,
t. c oit m
would seem to be a valid
t . c m
oexception
to this
a 3 iarule to defer or eliminatea3this ia report in the a 3 ia
if of a passing incident with
.dcase .dif a chance acquain w.dif
w w
ww tance. The gruff manner ww of a bus driver may irkww
me, without this being the occasion for me to tell
the driver about my emotional reactions to him
or her. In .the
t c om case of two people, however,
t . c omwho
must a ia or live together or who
3work a 3iawant to relate a 3ia
i f i f i f
w w.ddeeply, ww .d at the time of
this emotional reporting
w w .d
w the emotions is seriously w and vitally important.w
THE BENEFITS OF "GUT-LEVEL"
co m c o m
t .
COMMUNICATION
ia t . ia i a
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di
The obvious and primary .d i
wbenefit of "gut-level" w w.d
i
ww w
communication willwbe real and authentic w
relationship and what we have called a true
"encounter" of
c o mpersons. Not only willcthere
o m be
mutual t .
iacommunication .
t the
of personsiaand a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
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c om c o m
ia t . ia t . ia
a 3 a 3 3
i f i f 69 difa
w .d INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
w.d .
w w w w w ww
consequent sharing and experiencing of person
hood, butm "gut-level" communicationm will result
c o
t. and more clearly defined c o
in aamore
3 i 3 i at. sense of self 3ia
.d ifaidentity for each of the parties
ifa in the relationship. i f a
w w.d w .d
ww w w w w
Today, many of us are asking: "Who am I?" It
has come to be a socially fashionable question.
c o m is that I do not really

The implication
c o m
know my
owni .
atself as a person. We have i .
t that my
asaid ia
f a 3 fa 3 f a 3
w .di person is what I think, d
. i feel, and so on. If I .di
judge,
ww have communicated
w
w
w these things freely andwww
openly, as clearly as I can and as honestly as I
can, I will find a noticeable growth in my own
sense ofc m
oidentity. I will also experience c oma deeper
and t.
iamore authentic knowledge t .
iaof my person. It ia
a 3 a3 a 3
w .dif has come to be an accepted
w .dif psychological truismw.dif
ww ww only as much of myself
that I will understand wwas I
have been willing to communicate to another.
c
The .second
m
o and very importantt.result m
c o of such
t
i f a 3ia
communication is that, having
i f a 3iaunderstood i f a 3ia
w w.d myself because I have w
d
w.communicated myself, I w.d
w w of immaturity gradually
will find the patterns ww
changing into patterns of maturity. I will change!
Anyone who m sees the patterns of his mher
or
c o
t. and is willing to examine
reactions, c o
t. them, may
3i a 3 i a 3 ia
f acome to the realization f
thata these are patterns of f a
w .di hypersensitivity or paranoia.
w .di At the moment thew.di
ww ww he or she will find theww
realization penetrates,
pattern changing. Notwithstanding all that we
have said
c o m
about emotions, we mustonot
c m believe
t .
iaemotional
that patterns are purely .
iat biological or ia
di f a3 d ifa3
di fa3
ww. w . w.
w ww ww
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c om c om
ia t . t .
70 WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
inevitable. I can and will change my emotional
c o mI will move from one emotion

patterns; that is,
c o m to
anotheraift.I have honestly let my emotions
at. arise
a 3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
i
forf
.dthem,
recognition and, having f
.di and
honestly reported
.di f
w judge them to be w
immature w
ww inappropriate. ww ww
For example,
c omif I consistently and honestly
c o m
reportithe .
at emotion of "feeling hurt" i .
atby many ia
f a 3
i and inconsequential .things, fa 3 f a 3
w .dsmall w di it will become w.di
ww apparent to me in timewthat I am hypersensitive w
w
and that I have been indulging myself in self-
w
pity. The moment that this becomes clear to me,
really hits c omI will change.
me, com
3 i at. 3 i at. 3 ia
a a a
w .diInf summary the dynamic
w .disifthis: We allow our w.dif
ww emotions to arise sowthat
w they can be identified;ww
we observe the patterns in our emotional
reactions and then we report and judge them.
Having done
t . c om t . c
these things, we instinctively omand
i f 3ia make the necessary
immediately
a i f a ia
3adjustments in
i f a 3ia
w w.dthe light of our own ideals
w
d hopes for growth. w.d
w.and
w We change. Try thisw and see for yourself. It ww
works.
As has tbeen
om
.c said, our emotional ireactions om
t.c are
3i a 3 a 3 ia
not
i f abiological or psychological
if anecessities. We fa
w .dcan move from one emotion w .dto another if we w .di
ww want to. Many examples ww could be added here. Iww
can feel viciously competitive, but if I allow the
emotions under
c o m my spirit of competition c o m
to
surfaceiafor .
t recognition, I may discover .
iat that it is ia
di f a3 d ifa3
di fa3
ww. w . w.
w ww ww
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c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3 i f
INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPSa 3ia 71 i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
only my sense of inferiority, my lack of belief in
myself, that propels me into competition. It is
c o mmysterious how, when cthese
o m emotions
t .
strangely
i aallowed i .
at selves, they ia
f a 3
are to illuminatef a 3
our inner f a 3
w .di can tell us things wewnever .di knew about our w.di
ww selves. And thiswkindw of self-knowledge is the
ww
beginning of growth.
m
o be laboring with a tdestructive m
OrtI.c
ia
might
i a .co ia
f a 3emotion like despair. If I allow
f a 3 it to arise for
f a 3
w .di inspection, my despair w
i show itself to be
.dwill w .di
ww merely an attempt wwat self-punishment. Much ww
"depression" is simply self-punishment. Further
self-investigation
m may show me that m I have a
c o
guiltt.complex, and that I need this
o
t.cpunishment to
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
a a a
.dif self-destruction. When f dif
atone for my guilt feelings. I am on a course of
w w .dI ican recognize these w.
ww ww and self-destroying, itwisw
emotions as negative
then within my power to move to a new
emotional
t . c omreaction—from self-pity t . c oormself
a 3 ia
punishment to love, from anger
a 3 ia to empathy, a 3ia
d i
. f from despair to hope. d i f d i f
w w. w.
ww w
w and you have only to w
If all this is true,
w
experience it to know its truth, it is obvious that
co m we have used so conveniently,

the little phrase
c o m
"I'm
i .
atsorry, but that's the way i .
t is nothing
aI am," ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di you don't want to grow
more than a refuge and
w .diup; but if you do want w
delusion. It is handy if
.di
ww w w to
w
grow up, you try to rise above this fallacy. w
The third
c o mbenefit of "gut-level" communication
c o m
.
at it will evoke from others
is ithat .
iata responsive i a
i f a3 if a3 fa 3
w . d w . d w .di
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . ia t .
i f
72 a 3 a
WHY AM I AFRAIDifTO
3TELL YOU WHO I AM? i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
honesty and openness, which is necessary if the
relationship is to be interpersonal, mutual. A
c o m of mine somewhatcboastfully o m
psychiatrist
i t .
athat friend
i .
at to the ia
a
claims
i f 3 he can gain instant
f a 3
access f a 3
w .ddeepest parts of anyonew .di a matter of
within w .di
ww minutes. His technique ww is not to begin by probing ww
with questions. This would only make the
insecure person
c o m more defensive. The theory c o m of
at .
this psychiatrist
i is that if we want a
i t .
another to be
ia
i f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
.di very honestly and w.di
open with us, we must begin by opening up
w .dourselves, by telling the wother
ww openly of our feelings. ww ww
t. om to person, psychologist
Person is resonant
c t . c om Josef
a 3 ia
Goldbrunner insists. If I am willing
a 3 ia to step out of a 3 ia
if darkness of my prison,.dtoifexpose the deepest .dif
the
.dpart
w w w
of me to other persons, w the result is almost ww
w w
always automatic and immediate: The other
w
persons feel empowered to reveal themselves to
me. Having c m of my secret and deep
oheard c om
feelings,
t . t .
others
i f a 3iaare given the courageito f a 3ia
communicate
i f a 3ia
w .dthemselves. This, in the w .danalysis, is what we w.d
last
ww meant by "encounter." ww ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
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c om c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
4
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
c om com
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
w..P„P,.
V t. c oVm do not repress theirt.emotions,
c om as far
a 3 ia a3 ia a 3 ia
.dif rise to the surface ofwrecognition.
.dif .dif
as this is under their control, but allow them to
w They experiencew
ww the fullness of w
w w
their emotional life; they arew"in
touch with," attuned to their emotions, aware of
what their
t . c omemotions are saying tto.cthem om about
a 3 ia needs and their relationships
their
a 3 ia with others. a 3ia
i f other hand, i f
have said i f
w.d does not imply surrender
On the
w.d to the emotions. Inww.d
we also that this
w w w w w
fully human people, there is a balance of senses,
emotions, intellect, and will. The emotions have
o m
to be integrated.
c Though it is necessary
c o m to
i .
at our emotions, it is 3not i .
atat all necessary ia
f a 3
"report"
f a f a 3
w .di that we "act on" them. w
i must never allow our .di
.dWe w
ww ww our decisions.
emotions to control ww
The critical importance of all this will be clear to
omwill reflect for just a tmoment
you tif.cyou . c om on the
ia ia 3i a
.di fa3following: (1) Almost all fthe
.d
a3pleasures
i and pains
.di fa
w w w
ww ww 73 ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
Most of us feel that others will not tolerate
c om
such emotional c o m
honesty in communication.
i .
atwould rather defend i .
t dishonesty
aour ia
f a 3
We fa 3 f a 3
w .di on the grounds that w .diit might hurt others.
w .di
ww Having rationalized ww our phoniness intownobility,
w
we settle m for superficial relationships.
m
t.c o t.c o
3 i a 3 i a 3i a
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3DEALING WITH OUR EMOTIONS
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
of life are deeply involved with the emotions. (2)
Most human conduct is the result of emotional
forces c o m though we are all tempted
(even c o m to pose as
i .
at intellects, and to explain i .
aont rational, ia
f a 3
pure
f a 3 f a 3
w .di objective grounds all w .ofdiour preferences and w.di
ww actions). (3) Mostwwinterpersonal conflicts result ww
from emotional stresses (for example, anger,
jealousy, frustrations), and most interpersonal
c om are achieved throughcsome o m kind of
at .
encounters
i i at . ia
f a 3
emotional communion fa
(for 3example, empathy, f a 3
w .di tenderness, feelingswof.daffection
i and attraction).w.d
i
ww w
In other words,wyour emotions and how you wwdeal
with them will probably make you or break you
m
in the adventure
o of life.
co m
i a t.c i a t . ia
a 3 a3 a 3
.dif and "integration" ofwthe .difemotions may be w.dif
The mechanics of "awareness," "reporting,"
w
ww ww
illustrated as follows. ww
t . c om t . c om
a 3 ia
Situation: You are having
a 3 ia a discussion with a3ia
.d if d
a member
. if of your family or a .dif
w ww There are several differ ww
ww wfriend.
ences of opinion, and very
w
gradually voices and blood
at. com pressures rise. You

.c o m beginning
are
at of strong
3i 3 i
to feel the stress 3 ia
. difa f a
.di What should you do? .di
feelings.
fa
w w w
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c om
ia t . t .
i f
76 a 3 i f
WHY AM I AFRAID TO a 3iaYOU WHO I AM?
TELL
i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww HEALTHY
w w w w
m emotions. Turn your cmind

1. Be aware cofoyour o m
i .
at from the argument 3and i .
atpay direct ia
briefly
i f a 3 away
i f a f a 3
w .dattention to your emotional.dreaction.
w Ask
w .di
ww yourself: What am Iwfeeling? w Is it embarrassmentww
(because the other person's arguments sound
better)? Is it fear (the other person is pretty big
c om c o m
and is getting
i . more angry by the
at (because you're ahead .
minute)?
i aont points, ia
i f 3
Superiority
a i fa 3 i f a 3
w.dand he or she knows it)?w.d w.d
ww ww ww
2. Admit your emotion. Turn your full awareness
toward the emotion.
m Take a good look so m that
o
t.c it. Estimate, too, ihow
you can identify o
t.cstrong it
i a a 3i a
d a3is anger, for example, and
is.ifIt
d i f ait3is pretty high d i f a
w. voltage, too. w. w .
ww ww w w
3. Investigate your emotion. If you really want to
m yourself, ask your canger
find out a lotoabout
c om how
t .
ia and where it cameafrom. t .
ia Trace the
it got there,
i f
origina 3 i
of your emotion. You may f 3not be able to i f a 3ia
w w.duncover the whole familyw
.d of your present
wtree w w.d
w emotion, but you just wmay get a glimpse of an w
inferiority complex to which you have never
admitted. om om
at. c a t.c a
3i a3 i 3 i
difa .dif i fa
w . w w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
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ww ww ww
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3ia 77
i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w UNHEALTHY
w ww
1. Ignorec o m emotional reaction. Itchas

your o mnothing to
t . .
atBetter yet (if you
doiawith the argument anyway.
3 3 i 3 ia
f a f a f a
w .di want to make the worst w .dimistake), tell yourself w.di
ww that you're notw w upset at all. If you are
getting ww
perspiring, tell yourself that it's just warm in the
room. Keep your anger down in the pit of your
c o m c o m it. Feeling
at .
stomach,
i
where your head can't
i .
atdiscussion is
notice
ia
if a 3
emotions during an a 3
intellectual
i f i f a 3
w.d unworthy of you anyway. w.d w.d
ww ww ww
2. Keep denying your emotions. Tell yourself and
c o m"But I'm not mad at all."

tell others,
c omEmotions are
more
3 i at. easily ignored if you keep
3 i at.your mind fixed 3 ia
a a a
.dif you. You can take Alka f
.diSeltzer dif
on the argument. Don't let your emotions distract
w w later, when yourw.
ww stomach calls you wwa liar. ww
3. Keep o
c m through your mindcforom
combing rebuttal
ia t . t .
The person with theiaright moves and
i f a
materials.
3 i f
breaka 3 this thing wide i f a 3ia
w.d open. It's strictly w
lines
w.d now. Slow the words
to
w.d
bright is going
w w w win-lose
w w
down; you're starting to sputter. But keep up a
steady flow, or the other person will get in there
and make c o ma point. Keep your mind c o mthe
on
i at . i .
at the jugular ia
f a 3
argument, and keep moving
f a 3 toward
f a 3
.di vein.
w .di
w .di w
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c om
ia t . t .
ia YOU WHO I AM?
i f a
78 3 f
WHY AM I AFRAID TO
i a 3TELL i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww HEALTHY
w w w w
4. Report your c o m
emotion. Just the facts now. c o m
No
ia t . t.
ia cool it for a ia
i f 3
interpretations
a or judgments. "Let's
f a 3 f a 3
w .dminute. I'm getting too worked
w .di up, and I'm w .di
ww starting to say thingswIwreally don't mean." It is ww
very important not to accuse or judge in this
report. Do not tell the other person that it is his
c o m you got so angry. It reallyc o misn't,
or her fault
i . that
at It's something in you.3iDon't .
at blame the ia
you
i f a 3
know.
i fa i f a 3
w.dother person even to yourself. w.d w.d
ww ww ww
5. Integrate your emotion. Having listened to your
emotion, and m having questioned it and reported
m
it, now lett. c o
your mind judge what is thet . c oright
a 3 iado, and let your will carry
a3 iaout the a 3 ia
if
thing to
.djudgment. .dif start again. I think w.dif
w For example, w"Let's
ww I've been too defensive wwto listen to you. I'd like w to
w
try again." Or, "Would you mind if we dropped
the subject? I'm
c o mafraid I'm getting too ctouchy
o m to
t.
discussiaanything." iat. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w.d w.d
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
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c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3 i f a 3ia 79 i f a 3ia
w.d w.d .d
DEALING WITH OUR EMOTIONS
w w w
w w ww
UNHEALTHY
c m
oshould blow your cool completely
c m
o and become
ia .
4. If tyou t.
ia person. And be ia
f a 3
incoherent, blame it on thefa 3
other f a 3
w .di sure to include somewdeep .di personality defect inw.di
ww your indictment. ww For example, "It's impossible ww to
discuss anything with you. You're too damned
arrogant. m You never (generalizationsm like this are
good,
o
t.ctoo) listen. You think you're o
t.c God, don't
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
if a you?" (Make sure he or i f
shea knows that the i f a
w.d question is rhetorical.) w.d w.d
ww ww ww
5. Since you haven't even admitted to having an
m won't have to go through
emotion,oyou
c c omthe
t.
ia of trying to learn from
trouble t .
iayour emotional ia
a 3 a3 a 3
w .dif reactions w . if Repressed
or integratingdthem.
w . dif
ww emotions, however,
w w have a way of acting up,
so walk out in a huff, and take a couple of
ww
aspirins—and keep your mind on how
com the other person was.
unreasonable
t. com t.
ia ia 3ia
.d ifa3 ifa3 i f a
w w.d w.d
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
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ia t.co ia t.co i a
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
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c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
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c om com
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m om
t.co you my iHoUGHls
To3iatell ia t . c
ia
a a3 a 3
.dif .dif .dif
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m ^ry
om
a t.co at. c
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ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
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co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
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c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3ia i f a 3ia
w.d w.d .d
81
w w w
w w ww
REFLECTIONS ON "ESTRANGEMENT"
AND "ENCOUNTER"
m m
t . c o t. c o
f In spite of our f
unwillingness
.di tell others who we are, i
.dthere
and reluctance to i f
w w is in each one of us wa.d
ww deep and drivingwwdesire to be understood. w w
It is
clear to all of us that we want very badly to be
loved, but
c omwhen we are not understood c o m by those
whose
i .
at love we need and want, i .
atany sort of deep ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .di fortable thing. It does
communication
w di enlarge and enliven us.
becomes
.not a nervous and uncom
w

.di
ww It becomes clear
w
wthat wwus
others cannot really love
effectively unless they really understand us.
People o
c m feel that they are understood,
who
c om
ia t.
however, will almost certainly t .
iafeel that they are ia
a 3 a 3 a 3
.dif loved.
w .dif .dif
ww w ww w ww
If there is no one who understands me, and
who accepts me for what I am, I will feel
c om My talents and possessions
"estranged."
t . t . c om will not
a ia me at all. Even inathe
3comfort 3iamidst of many a 3ia
i f i f i f
w w.d isolation w w .d within me a feeling w
people, I will always carry
w
of.d
w w
and aloneness. I will experience awkind
of "solitary confinement." It is a law, as certain as
the law of gravity, that those who are understood
. c
and tlovedomwill grow as persons;t.thosec omwho are
a 3 ia
estranged will die in their a 3 iaof solitary
cell a 3 ia
i f if i f
w.d confinement, alone.w.d w.d
ww ww ww
There are many things inside every one of us
c o m like to share. All ofco

that we would usm
have our
own . .
iat secret past, our secret shames
iat and broken a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
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c om c om
ia t . t .
i f
82 a 3 f
WHY AM I AFRAIDiTOa 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
dreams, our secret hopes. Over and against this
need and desire to share these secrets and to be
c o m one of us must weigh c o m and
understood,
i at . every
i t .
aseem,
fear
ia
risk.
f a 3
Whatever my secrets
i anything else, to be deeply are,
f a 3
they more
f a 3
w .dthan w .di and uniquely a w.di
ww part of me. No one has wwever done the precise ww
things that I have done; no one has ever thought
my thoughts or mdreamed my dreams. I am m not
sure thattI.c
o
could even find the wordst.to
o
c share
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
f
these
i a things with another, butf a
what I am even f a
w .dless sure of is this: How w .di they sound to
would w .di
ww another? ww ww
People who
c o m
have a good self-image, who
c omreally
and truly
3 i at.accept themselves, will3be i .
atgreatly 3 ia
a
if at this time of dilemma. a
dif It is not very dif a
w .dhelped w . w .
ww shared themselves could ww have the support of a ww
likely, however, that those who have never really
good self-image. Most of us have experienced

and done things,
t . c om have lived with sensations
t . c om and
i f 3ia that we feel we would
feelings,
a i f a 3ia dare tell
never
i f a 3ia
w .danother. To the other, I might
w .d appear deluded or w.d
ww even evil, ridiculous orwvain. My whole life could w
w
appear as a hideous deceit.
w
A thousand co mfears keep us in the solitaryc o m

con
i a t . i a t . ia
f a 3
finement of estrangement. In some
i fear of breaking down,.of f a 3 of us there is
fa 3
w .dthe w di sobbing like a child. w.di
ww Others of us feel restrained ww by the fear that the ww
other person will not sense the tremendous
importance that m our secret has for us. I usually
m
anticipatet.how o
c deep the pain would tbe .coif my
a3 ia a3 ia a 3i a
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3ia 83 i f a 3 ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
secret were met with apathy, misunderstanding,
shock, anger, or ridicule. My confidant might
c o m or reveal my secretcotomothers for
.
at it was not intended. 3iat.
become angry
a 3 i
whom a a 3ia
ww ww
It may have happened that, at some point winwmy
life, I took some part of me out of the darkness
and placed m it in the light for the eyesm of another.
It amay
o
t.c be that this other person o
c not under
t.did
3 i 3 i a 3 ia
f a stand, and I ran full of f a
regrets into a painful f a
w .di emotional solitude.wYet, .dithere may have been w.di
ww w
other momentswwhen someone heard my secret ww
and accepted my confidence in gentle hands. I
may remember
c o m what that personcsaid o mto assure
i
me, . compassion in his oriher
atthe at. voice, the ia
a 3 a3 a 3
w .dif ber understanding look indhis
w . if or her eyes. I remem .dif
w
w w what those eyes
w w looked like. I remember w
w
how
the individual's hand took mine. I remember the
gentle pressure that told me I was understood. It
was acgreat
t . om and liberating experience, t . c omand in its
a ia I felt so much moreaalive.
3wake 3ia An immense a 3ia
i f
.d need had been answered i f
.d in me to be really w.d i f
w w
ww listened to, to be ww taken seriously, and to beww
understood.
It is.c
m
o through this kind of tsharing
c m
o that we
t only
ia to know ourselves. Introspection
ia . ia
f a 3
come
f a 3 of itself is
fa 3
w .di helpless. We can confide w .di all of our secrets to thew.di
ww docile pages ofw awpersonal diary, but we can ww
know ourselves and experience the fullness of
life only m in the sharing with another m person.
o
t.c becomes a great adventure.
Friendship
o
t.c There is a
a3 ia a3 ia a 3i a
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . ia t .
i f a 3 f
WHY AM I AFRAIDiTOa 3TELL i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
84 YOU WHO I AM?
ww w w w w
continuously deeper discovery of myself and my
friend as we continue to reveal new and deeper
. c om It opens my mind,
layers oftourselves. . c o m
3 i a 3 i at widens
3ia
.
my
d ifa my feelings, gives.dmy
horizons, fills me with
ifalife meaning.
new awareness,
.d i f a
w deepens w w
ww ww ww
Yet the barriers are never permanently broken.
Friendship and
c o mmutual self-revelationchave o ma
newness
i .
atabout them with each new i .
atday, because ia
if a 3 fa 3 f a 3
.di and our differ w.di
being a human person involves daily change and
w .dgrowth. You and I are w
growing,
ww ences are becomingwmore w
apparent. We are notw
w
growing into the same person, but I am growing
into my ownoperson
c m and you into yours. c omI
discover t.
ia in you other tastes and ia t .
preferences, ia
a 3
if feelings and hopes, other a 3 a 3
w .dother w .dif reactions to new w.dif
ww experiences. I discoverwthat this business of
w
telling you who I am cannot be done once and
w w
for all. I'must continually tell you who I am and
c om
you must continually
t . tell me who you c
t . om
are,
3iaboth of us are continually
because
if a ifa 3iaevolving. 3ia
ifa
w . d .d .d
ww It may be that the w wwthings that first attracted
very ww
w
me to you now seem to work against communi
cation. In the beginning, your sentiment seemed
co m c o m
to balance
i at . off my more intellectual
i .
inclinations;
at my ia
your
i f a 3extroverted ways a 3
complemented
f fa 3
w .dintroversion; w
your realism di
.counterbalanced my w .di
ww artistic intuition. It seemedww like such an ideal ww
friendship. We seemed like separate halves that
needed each other
o m to become one whole. m
o But
now, when at.c I want you to share myaintellectual
i t.ci a i
ww. w . w.
w ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w.d
ww ww ww
c o m c om
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d .d .d
ww w ww are in deep andwww
Fully human people
meaningful contact with
the world outside of them.
c om c o m
They
i . i .
at listen not only to 3themselves
at ia
f a 3 fa f a 3
w .di but to the voices w .dofi their world. w .di
ww The breadth of wwtheir own individualww
experience is infinitely multiplied
through a sensitive m empathy withmothers.
t.
They
o
c suffer with the suffering, t . co
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
a a a
w .dif rejoice with .the
w dif joyful. w .dif
ww They are born w w every springtime,ww
again
feel the impact of the great mysteries of
life.- birth, growth,
m love, suffering,mdeath.
t.
Theiriahearts c o ship along with t .
the c o“young
a 3 a ia
3something a 3ia
i f lovers, ’’and they i
know f i f
w w.d of the exhilaration w w.dthat is in them. ww.d
w w w
They also know the ghetto's philosophy
of despair,
co m the loneliness of suffering c o m
at
without
i . relief. The bell at
never
i . tolls ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di without tolling in
w .di
some strange way
w .di
ww forwthem.
w ww
m m
ia t.co ia t.co i a
a3 a3 a 3
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
t . c om t . c om
86 3ia WHY AM I AFRAID TO 3 ia YOU WHO I AM? 3ia
i f a i f a TELL
i f a
w w.d w w.d w w.d
w vision, I am annoyed wthat you take no interest inw
my objective arguments of reason. Now, when I
want to show
c o m
you that you are not logical
c o min your
i
sentiment, .
at it does not seem to matter i .
at at all to you. ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .dIni the beginning we seemed w .dito fit together so w .di
ww more
well. Now your desirewto go out to others and myw
w
introverted inclinations to seek solitude
w
seem to be divisive.
c om c o m
Of 3 i .
at our friendship can stilli .
t We are
abe. ia
if a course,
fa 3 f a 3
w .dstanding .diof that which is most w.di
within arms' reach
w
ww humanly rewardingwand w beautiful. We must notww
turn back now. We can still share all the things
we once shared with such excitement, when first I
told youtwho. c omI was and you told met.who c omyou
3 a now our sharing will3be
iOnly ia deeper 3 ia
a
were.
if if a a
w .dbecause we are deeper. If w I.d
will continue to hear w .dif
ww you with the same sense ww of wonder and joy as Iww
did in the beginning, and you will hear me in this
way, our friendship
m will grow firmer and mdeeper
c o c o
roots. The
3 iat. tinsel of our first sharing
3 i . mellow
atwill 3ia
f
into
i a gold. We can and will beifsurea that there is no i f a
w w.dneed to hide anythingwfrom w.deach other. We will ww.d
w have shared everything. w w
co m experiencing the ever-growing,

I am continually
c o m
ever-newi .
at reality of you, and you3arei .
at experiencing ia
i f a 3 f a fa 3
w
the reality
.dtogether of me. And
w . di
through each other, we are
w .di
ww once saidexperiencing w wthe reality of God, who ww
that "it is not good for man to be alone."
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . t .
i f a 3
DEALING
i a 3ia
WITH OUR EMOTIONSf___________________________ 87 ifa3
ia
w w.d w w.d w w.d
w w w
your slightest look
easily will unclose me
c
thougho mi have closed myself ascfingers,
o m
i .
t open always petal byipetal
ayou at. ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .di .di
myself as spring opens
w w .di
ww ww mysteriously)
(touching skillfully, ww
her first rose
e. e. cummings
c om com
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
co m c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
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ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
c om com
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
com c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
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c om c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww 5 ww
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
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c om com
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
R■ efore proceeding to a catalog of various
c m and games, it seemscnecessary
oroles om to
a t.
i something about the methods a t .
i of ego-defense, a3ia
a 3
say
a 3
w .dif which are always somehow
w .dif involved in these w.dif
ww roles and games. ww ww
In brief, these ego-defenses are
compensations cultivated to counterbalance and
camouflage something else in us which we
m m
t.coa defect or a handicap. t.co
consider
i f a 3ia i f a 3ia i f a 3ia

w w.d The great AlfredwAdler w.d first became interested
w w.d
w in compensation w w
as a psychological phenomenon
when he noticed how human nature tends to
make up m for bodily deficiencies. Onem kidney
co
takest.over the function of two iftonec o
3i a 3 i a . fails to 3 ia
f afunction. The same thing f
isa true of lungs. A bone fa
w .di fracture that heals properly
w .di makes the place of w.di
ww ww stronger than normal. ww
the fracture become
It is also
c o mtrue that many famous cpeople
o m have
iat . iat . a
i f
developed
a3
some skill to an extraordinary
if a3
degree
i fa 3i
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww 89
ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
90 WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
precisely because they were trying to overcome
some handicap.
c o m Glenn Cunningham,cthe o mfirst of
3 i at. American mile runners,
the famous
3 i at.probably 3 ia
i f a f a f a
w
became
.dhis legs
such
which
a great
were w .di crippled at age
runner
seriously
trying to strengthen
w .di
ww seven in a fire thatwalmost w
took his life. Wilma w
w
Rudolph contracted polio as a small child and
finally learned
c om to walk without braces. c o m later
She
.
beganiatot run, and at the 1960 Olympics i .
at in Rome ia
f a 3 fa 3 f a 3
w .dishe became the first woman w .di to receive three gold w.di
ww called
metals in track and field.
w w There is also what is ww
"vicarious compensation," by which a
person handicapped in one way learns to excel in
c om the famous painter,
another. Whistler,
t. t . c m
oflunked
out3ofiaWest Point and forfeited3his ia desires for a 3 ia
a
f in the military, but.dlearned a
if to excel as an a
w .dicareer w w .dif
ww artist by developingww his talents in that field. ww
REACTION FORMATION
t . c om t . c om
The a ia
3"reaction formation," whicha
a are
3iwe a 3ia
i f i f i f
ww.dconsidering here, is an w w .d
overcompensation by
w w.d
w w
exaggerating or overdeveloping certain w
conscious trends. It is developed as a defense
co m
against unconscious tendencies of an opposite
c o m
i at .
and unapprovable character, which
i at .
threaten to
ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
.didogmatic people, who w di .di
break into conscious recognition. Extremely
w are. absolutely sure of w
ww everything, consciously ww cultivate this posture w of
w
certainty because of demoralizing doubts in their
subconscious
c o mmind. Their self-imagecisn't o mstrong
enough .
iatto live with these doubts.iaPeople
t . who are ia
di f a3 d ifa3
di fa3
ww. w . w.
w ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3 i f a 3ia 91 i f a 3 ia
w.d w.d .d
HUMAN HIDING PLACES
w w w
w w ww
overly tender, to the point of exaggerated
sentimentality, are usually suspected of assum
c o m in compensation cforom
i a t
ing this . attitude
i a t. harsh and ia
i f a 3 i 3
cruel tendencies that havefabeen repressed into
i f a 3
w.d the subconscious mind. w.d w.d
ww ww ww
Prudishness, in an exaggerated form, is usually
c om
an overcompensation
c o m
for repressed normal
sexual
i .
at desires with which the i .
t cannot live
aprude ia
f a 3 fa 3 f a 3
.di exaggerated concernwfor .dithe health of an aged w.di
in comfort. The person who seems to exert an
w
ww w
parent probablywdoes so to compensate forw
w
the
subconscious desire to be freed of responsibility
for that o m by the death of the same.
parent
c omc
a a a
w .dif Please note well that d
w . if cannot suspect every .
we
w d i f
w w good inclination of
w w being a psychological cover
w w
up for opposite inclinations. The thing about
reaction formation is that it is always an over
c om an exaggerated reaction.
compensation,
t . t . c om
i f a 3ia
Compensatory attitudes are3aia
i f a leaning over
i f a 3ia
w .d backward to avoid tipping w .d forward. This kind ofw.d
ww compensation, w w set in motion, always results
once ww
in an exaggeration or excess. It is, consequently,
only exaggerated behavior of any kind that is
c o mbeing compensatory "reaction c o m
suspect
i at . of
i .
at wrong. The ia
f a 3
formation." The dogmatist
f a 3
is never
fa 3
w .di prude is hyperchaste. w di reformer-type,
.The w .di
ww ww
preachy and self-righteous, viciously hatesw w
sin
and sinner alike without any recognition of
normal human m weakness.
o o m
ia t.c ia t.c a
a3 a3 a 3i
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
c om co m
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
com c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w w w w w w
. c om . c om
3iais socially ifashionable
It t t
i f a f a 3ia i f a 3ia
w w.d to ask:w
.d
wWho ami? w w.d
w w w
there is no little
i at . co m "raiscif i at .c o m”
ia
a 3 a 3 a 3
w .di f inside
w .dif of me. w.di f
ww I am whatwiwam committed ww to.
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3
HUMAN HIDING PLACES i f a 3ia 93 i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
The conclusion is this: Exaggerated behavior in a
person usually means just the opposite of what it
c o m often we accuse dogmatists c o m of
implies.
i . Very
at and feel "called" to help i t.
athem ia
f a 3
pride
f a 3 learn sweet
f a 3
w .di humility. In fact, they w di not at all sure of
.are w .di
ww themselves, andwthe w more we try to defeat them, ww
to cultivate doubts in them and expose their
errors, themmore they have to compensate. m Their
o
t.c will probably become
dogmatism
o
t.ceven more
3 i a i a ia
fi aextreme and obnoxious. ifa3 fi a3
w .d w .d w .d
w w w
DISPLACEMENT
w w w
A second
c o mego-defense mechanism isocalled
c m
ia t.
"displacement." It usually refers t .
ia to the indirect ia
a 3 a 3 a 3
w .dif expression of an impulseifthat the censoring
w . d w . dif
ww w superego) prohibits us from ww
conscience (Freud's
w
expressing directly. For example, a child may
develop a seething hostility toward his or her
parents. c m social programming cusually
oOur om will
t . t .
i f a 3iaallow direct expression
not
i f a 3iathis hostility. I
of
i f a 3ia
w .d mean, you can't hatewyour .d own parents. So, not w in.d
ww ww that the child felt forced
touch with the hostility ww
to repress, he or she smashes public property,
bullies younger children, or does something
c o m c o m
equally
i .
at boxing fan, who stands i .
irrational. The apparent homicidal-
atup at ringside ia
f a 3
minded
f a 3 fa 3
w .di and vociferously yells w di
."Murder the bum!" as a w.d
i
ww helpless, senseless wwboxer is sinking to his knees, ww
obviously harbors some subconscious hostility.
The angerm had to be repressed because mthe
person o
t.cjust couldn't live with it or o
t.cexpress it.
a3 ia a3 ia a 3i a
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
w.d94 w.d TO TELL YOU WHO I AM?ww.d
WHY AM I AFRAID
ww w w w
"Scapegoating" is a common form of displace
ment. We react
c o m with uncalled-for violencec o mwhen
someonei .
at looks at us the wrong3way, i .
at because ia
f a 3
i is a hostility in us that f a f a 3
w .ddirectly.
there
w . diwe cannot express w.di
ww would like w the person to whomwwew
For some reason
w
to express hostility seems too
formidable to us. A man with a violent temper in
the officecmay o mwell be expressing thechostility
o m he
i .
at his wife or for himself 3but
i .
atcannot bring ia
feels
if a 3 for
f a f a 3
w .dhimself .di Or the woman who w.di
to express it at home.
w
ww has been unjustly upbraided
ww by her employer w (ofw
whom she is afraid because her job is at stake)
may come home and take out her hostility on her
husbandt.c omchildren. Prudes, whot.cannot
and c om admit
3 ia sexual drives directly,awill
toatheir 3 iatake great a 3 ia
if
.dinterest in "scandals" ofwa.d
if
sexual nature. Lonely, w.d
if
w
ww isolated individuals, ww who cannot admit directly ww
to their need for love and affection, will profess
to be "madlym in love" with someone elsem (whom
c o
. really love at all). at. c o
they do atnot
3 i 3i 3i a
i f a i f a i f a
.d
w A second meaning w of w .d
"displacement" is the w.d
w w w
wunpleasant realities to which
device of disguising w
we cannot admit (and therefore repress) by
c m
consciouslyostressing something else which
c o m is not
i at .
so embarrassing i
to the ego. We profess .
at to worry ia
i f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w
about
.dto some triviality to
w . di
conceal some greater fear
w .di
ww thatwhich w
we cannot honestly
w admit. Or let us sayw
I am jealous of you, but I cannot really admit
w
it, not even to myself. So I "zero in" on some
o
trivial annoyance,
c m like the quality of your c o mvoice. I
t .
find3itiavery grating. The husband
t .
ifa if3iaand wife who
a ifa 3ia
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t . t .
i f aHUMAN
ia
3 HIDING PLACES ifa3ia 95
i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w w.d
w w w
have come to despise each other, but cannot
openly admit to the real sources of their mutual
o m bicker about trivialities
agony,cusually c o mwith great
t . t.
a 3ia
vehemence. 3ia a a 3ia
ww The man whose ww mother dominated his father wwis
usually programmed to treat his own wife as an
inferior. However, he cannot admit to his resent
c
mentt.for
m mother and her treatment
ohis c o mof his
ia or that he definitely wantsi .
at his wife ia
f a 3
father,
fa 3 f a 3
w .di "under" him. So he w i
.dusually
will complain aboutw.d
i
ww ww
small and inconsequential habits of hers. He w
wwill
deny the value of her opinions and the wisdom
of her actions.
m He will bitterly criticizem her for the
o o
3iat.c way" she plays cards. at.c
"stupid
3i a i
i f a i f a i f a3
w.d PROJECTION w.d w. d
ww ww ww
Another ego-defense mechanism is called
t . om All of us tend to disown

"projection."
c t . c omthings in
a 3 ia
ourselves and to "project" them
a 3 ia into others. We a 3ia
i f try to rid ourselves of i
our f own limitations by i f
w w.d attributing them towsomeone w.d else. Adam ex ww.d
w w
plained his sin to God by saying, "The woman
w
tempted me." Eve ascribed the whole calamity to
the serpent.
c o m It is also projection when c o mwe blame
i
other
.
at things for our own failures, i .
at like the ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .di circumstances, the tools w
i had to work with, the .di
.dwe w
ww ww We are tempted to ask,ww
position of the stars.
"Why don't you look where you're going?"
when we bump into people.
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c om c om
ia t . ia t .
i f a 3 i f a 3TELL i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
96 WHY AM I AFRAID TO YOU WHO I AM?
ww w w w w
It is a very common human inclination
(projection) m to dislike most in others what m we
. c o c o
cannot
3 i ataccept in ourselves. The real
3 i at.mystery of 3 ia
f a
this projection is that we f
don't a recognize these f a
w .dithings in ourselves. They w
i
.dhave been repressed. w .di
ww ww condemn in others ww
We can therefore strongly
what we cannot admit in ourselves. The stronger
and the more
c o mexaggerated the dislikecof o manything
or anyi .
atquality is manifested, the i .
at it might be
more ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w disuspected as projection. di
. w . w .di
ww ww
When we get a bug on "hypocrisy," and often
ww
condemn it, and proclaim that it is widespread
among the c m race, it is most probable
ohuman c om that
t. t
ia repress all consciousarecognition
we3must ia . that ia
a
f ourselves are hypocritical. 3 a 3
w .diwe w .dif Vain people, who w.dif
ww can't admit to their w inclinations, suspect ww
wown
everybody of wanting attention and publicity.
Ambitious men and women, who cannot
t om (and therefore repress)
honestly.cadmit
t . c m own
otheir
i f 3ia ambitions, usually feel
driving
a i f a ia "everybody
3that i f a 3ia
ww.d isandoutmoney." w.d people want is fameww.d
for No. 1; all that most
w
w w w
Then there are the paranoids (persecution
co m c o m
complex
i a t . victims) who project their
i a t .
own self
ia
f a 3
hatred into other people andfa 3
feel that others fa 3
w .didon't like them. Prudeswthink.di that every w .di
ww attractive person of
w opposite sex is makingww
wthe
improper advances; they project their own
c o m
concealed (repressed) longings into others.
c o m
People .
iatwith an uneasy conscience .
iatfeel that ia
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di fa3
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ia t . t .
i f a 3
HUMAN HIDING PLACES
i f a 3ia 97 fa3
i
ia
w w.d w w.d w w.d
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others are suspicious of them, watching them.
Very often, too, when someone puts a finger
c o
on a weakness m in us, for example,cbeing
o m too
i at . i t.
acharging, ia
f a 3
temperamental, we counter 3
f a by “You're
f a 3
w .di the one who is too temperamental!''
.di .di
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INTROJECTION
o
"Introjection"
c m is the ego-defense by c o m we
which
i .
at to ourselves the good
attribute i t .
aqualities of others. ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .di Introjection is prominent w .di in what we call “hero w.di
ww worship." We identify
w w with our heroes. Also,
identify our possessions with ourselves. We take
w wwe
great pride when someone praises our home, or
we think
t . c om that we are “big time" because
t . c om we come
a 3 ia a famous city, belongato3iaawell-known
from
a 3 ia
w .dif fraternity, or have traveled
w .dif to many places. Many w .dif
ww women identifywwith w the tragic heroines ofwsoap w
opera programs on television. A Manhattan
psychiatrist noticed that very many of his women
c m relapses after becoming
ohad c om
patients
a t . a t . addicted to
i f a i
3 shows. They identified
these
i f a i
3with all the i f a 3ia
w w.d unhappiness of theww .d characters in thesew.d
suffering
w melodramas. This w kind of identification provides ww
an easy access into a world of fantasy and
provides m romance in our lives. However, m often
c o
t. of this ego-defense isianeither
thearesult t. c o very
3 i 3 ia
fi aprofitable nor very consoling.
.d fi a fi a3
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RATIONALIZATION ww
The most common form of ego-defense is
c o m c o m
t .
"rationalization."
ia
As a technique.
t self
for
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c om c om
ia t . t .
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98 WHY AM I AFRAID TO TELL YOU WHO I AM?
ww w w w w
justification, it is hard to beat. We find some
reason for our maction that justifies it. cWe m"think"
c o
t. our way to a preordained
(rationalize)
o
t. conclu
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
f a
sion. Very often there are f
two areasons for f a
w .dieverything we do: the allegedw .di good reason and w.di
ww the real reason. Rationalization
ww not only results ww
in self-deceit but eventually corrupts all sense of
c o m
integrity (wholeness). We rationalize our
c o mfailures;
we find i .
atjustification for our actions;
i .
at we reconcile ia
f a 3
i ideals and deeds; we .make fa 3 f a 3
w
our
.dpreferences w di our emotional w.di
ww drink beer becausewitwhas malt in it. The real ww
our rational conclusions. I say that I
reason is that I like it; it helps me feel uninhibited

and secureowith
c m others. c om
a a a
w .difAs with all ego-defense
w dif
.mechanisms, there is . d i f
w always something thatw I cannot admit in myself,ww
w w w
something that I would like to do which appears
wrong, or something that would make me feel
c
better if .only
t omI could just believe it. tRationali
. c om
zation
i f a 3iais the bridge that makesi f a ia wishes the
3my i f a 3ia
w w.dfacts. w w .d to deny the
It is the use of intelligence
w w .d
w w
truth; it makes us dishonest with ourselves. And w
if we cannot be honest with ourselves, we
certainly cannot be honest with anyone else.
co m c o m
i a t .
Rationalization consequently
i a .
t all
sabotages
ia
a
human
i f 3 if a 3
authenticity. It disintegrates and
i f a 3
w.dfragments the personality. w.d w.d
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Insincerity, as an interior state of mind, is a
psychological
c o mimpossibility. I can't tellcomyself
m
that Iia .
dot and don't believe something .
iat at the same a
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c o m c o m
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w.d w.d w .d
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Qounile/iotarulpeople,
. c o m
. c o m
3 i at 3 i at 3 ia
f a f a f a
w .di Q moot
w .di try tbhaev w .di
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what Huy m
one notaayiny, m
. c o . c o
3 i atwhat they 3 i atpevtapao 3ia
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a t . ia t .
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c om c om
ia t . t .
w.d 100 .d TO TELL YOU WHO I AM? w.d
WHY AM I AFRAID
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time. Choosing evil as evil is also a psychological
impossibility,m because the will can only choosem
. c o . c o
3 i at
the (apparent) good. Consequently,
3 i atto deny the 3 ia
i f a i f a f a
w
truth
.dapprove, I cannot admit, and
w
to
necessarily
do the
.drationalize deed I cannot
the w .di
ww truth is no longer true
I must
wwand the evil becomes ww
until
good.
c om c o m
Did i .
you i .
at ever ask yourself the 3surprisingly
at ia
if a 3 fa f a 3
w .ddifficult .di one choose evil?
question: How does
w w .di
ww How w The will can choose, by
do we commit sin?
w
its very nature, only that which is somehow
w w
good. I am personally convinced that the exercise
or use of .free
t c om will in a given situation.cof
t
m is
oguilt
this:3The
a ia will, desirous of somea3evil ia that has good a 3 ia
if
.daspects (if I steal your money, .dif I will be rich), .dif
w w w
ww forces the intellect toww concentrate on the good to ww
be acquired in the evil act. The will impels the
mind to turn away from the recognition of evil.
c m must rationalize that
ointellect c omwhich
And so the
ia t . t .
was
i f a 3originally a
recognized as fevil.
i 3iaWhile I am i f a 3ia
w w.ddoing something wrong .dthe act of doing it), I w.d
w(in
w cannot be squarely w w
facing its evil aspect; I mustww
somehow be thinking of it as good and right.
Consequently,
c o mfree will seems to be exercised
c o m in
the actaof
i t. coercing the intellect to irationalize
at. ia
3 3
fi a than in the execution ioffathe act itself.
rather fi a3
w .d w.d w .d
ww CAUTION: HUMAN BEINGS w w ww
In all of these
c o mego-defense mechanisms,c o m
please
noticeia .
that .
t there is something thatiapeople
t who ia
i f a3 if a3 fa 3
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ww ww ww
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c o m c o m
t . t .
i f a ia
3HUMAN HIDING PLACES ifa3ia 101 i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
operate the mechanism have felt the necessity of
repressing. They cannot live with some reali
c o mone way or another, they c o m their
zation.
i at . In
i t.
asome
keep
ia
f a 3
psychological pieces intact
f a 3
by form of self
f a 3
w .di deception. They justwcouldn't
.di live comfortably w.d
i
ww with the truth, w sowthey repressed it. ww
Therefore,
m and this is extremely important,
m the
o
t.c of putting people straight,
vocation
o
t.c of tearing off
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
f a their masks, of forcing fa
them to face the repressed f a
w .di truth, is a highly dangerous
w .di and destructive w.di
ww wwwarns against disillusioning
calling. Eric Berne ww
people about their "games." It may be that they
just can't
c o m
take it. They sought out some
c o m role,
3 i at. playing some game, 3took
began i at.to wearing some 3 ia
a a a
w .dif mask, w . d f would make life w.dif
precisely because ithis
ww w
livable and tolerable.
w w w
So we must be very careful, extremely careful in
fact, that
t . c omwe do not assume the vocation
t . c om of
a ia
3acquainting others with their
a 3iadelusions. We are ifa3ia
i f
.d all tempted to unmask i f
.dothers, to smash their w.d
w w
ww defenses, to leave wwthem naked and blinkingwinwthe
light of the illumination provided by our expose.
It could be tragic in its results. If the psycho
c o m come unglued, whocwill o mpick them
logical
i aand. pieces
t put poor Humpty Dumpty i .
at Human Being ia
i f a 3up
f a 3 fa 3
w.d together again? Willwyou? .di Can you? w.d
i
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ia t . ia t . a
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c o m c om
ia t . t .
WHY AM I AFRAID
ww w w w
THE GREATEST KINDNESS: THE TRUTH
c o m c o m
ia t . i .
at would urge ia
All 3 3
that has been said in these pages 3
f a f
i to be open and truthful.dabout a
i ourselves, our f a
w .dus w w .di
ww thoughts and emotions. ww It has urged us to be ww
honest with ourselves and with others. Nothing
is taken back here. But it is absolutely necessary
c omnothing in these pages casks o mme or
to realize
i .
atme in becoming a judge3of
that
i .
atothers. I can ia
a 3
justifies
f
i you who I am, report .my f a f a 3
w .dtell w di emotions to you w.di
ww with candor and honesty, ww and this is the greatest ww
kindness I can extend to myself and to you. Even
if my thoughts
c o mand emotions are not cpleasing
o m to
i t.
you, itaremains the greatest kindness
i at. to reveal ia
a 3 a3 a 3
.dIifwill try to be honest with if dif
myself openly and honestly. Insofar as I am able,
w w .dmyself and communi w.
ww cate myself honestly wwto you. ww
It is another
t . c omthing to set myself upt.ascojudge m of
a
your idelusions.
3 This is playing God.
3 ia I must not 3ia
i f a to i f a i f a
w.dhonesty: that is your w w.dI can only hope that ww.d
try be the guarantor of your integrity and
w w w work.
w
my honesty with and about myself will empower
you to be honest with and about yourself. If I can
face and tell c o m
you my faults and vanities, c o m
my
t .
ia and fears, my secrets t .
ia my shames, ia
i f 3
hostilities
a if a 3 and
fa 3
w .dperhaps you will be able to
w .dadmit to your own
w .di
ww and confide them towme, w if and when you wish.ww
It is a two-way street. If you will be honest with
c o m triumphs and tragedies,
c o magonies
me, report
i . your
at to me, it will help3me i .
atto face my a
a
and 3ecstasies a a 3i
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
t . t .
i f a ia
3HUMAN HIDING PLACES ifa3ia i f a 3 ia
w.d w.d .d
103
w w w
w w ww
own. You will help me to become a real person. I
need your mopenness and honesty;cyou mneed mine.
c o
Willt.you help me? I promise that o
t. I will try to help
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
.d ifa you. I will try to tell youifwho
a I really am. i f a
w w.d w .d
ww w w ww
c om com
iat . i a t . ia
f a 3 fa 3 f a 3
w .di "It costs so much to be i human being that there .di
.adfull
ww
w
w the enlightenment, or thewww
are very few whowhave
courage, to pay the price. . . . One has to abandon
altogether the search for security, and reach out to the
.
risk of
t c om with both arms. Onethas
living . c otomembrace the
a 3 ia like a lover. One has toa3accept
world ia pain as a a 3 ia
w .dif condition of existence.wOne
.dif has to count doubt and w.dif
ww darkness as the w wof knowing. One needs a will
cost ww
stubborn in conflict, but apt always to total
acceptance
cmof every consequence of livingmand dying."
o c o
a t . ia t .
ifa3i
Morris L. 3
i f a
West
i f a 3ia
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in The
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co m c o m
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ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
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c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
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c om com
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com c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
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CAhJ
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
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w.d
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co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ww
w . difa 3
you MUST
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ww
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TO YOUR
o m o m
OWN
fi a 3 iat . c
DRUMy.
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ia
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6
c o m c om
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
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c om co m
iat . iat. ia
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w .dif w .d i f
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i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w .difa w. difa w. d i f a
ww I
w
here is nowlogical order in this partialw
w
JL listing of the roles and games that are very
common
t . c om
patterns in human relations.
t . c omNor are
a 3 ia any restrictions as toasex
there
3 iaor age. Anyone a 3ia
i f can play one or more of i f
these games. The ones i f
w w.d you and I becomewproficientw.d at or employ most w w.d
w w
often will depend upon our "programming" and
w
needs.
co m c o m
i .
at games have one thing
These i .
aint common, no ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di matter how differentwthey.di may seem; they maskw.di
ww and distort the w w about the one most impor
truth ww
tant thing that I could share with you: myself. I
must ask myself: Which of these games do I
c o m am I seeking? What am c o m
play?
ia t . What
ia .
t hiding?
I
i a
3 am I trying to win? a3
aWhat a 3
ww ww 105 ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
WHY AM I AFRAID
ww w w w
ALL HEART
c o m c o m
i
What3Freud
.
at called "reaction formation"
i .
at is ia
i f a f a 3 f a 3
w .dthought .di the excessively
to be responsible for
w w .di
ww tender and sentimental wwconcern of these people.ww
It is a subconscious compensation for their
sadistic (cruel) tendencies. We all have cruel
c omtimes, but these people care
o m
i .
inclinations at
at horrified by theirs. 3iat . ia
3
particularly
a a a3
w .dif w.dif .
is that once ww
d i f
ww The one thing about w
w compensation
it is set in motion, it nearly always results in
w
overcompensation. Somehow their programming
has rendered
t. c om these people unable to be
t . c oinmtouch
ia
with3themselves.
a a ia can't admit
"All Hearters"3just
a 3 ia
w .dtoiftheir hostile inclinations,w
if they spend most .dif
.dand w
w w of their energy w w
denying the truth they cannot w w
admit. These people are likely to be excessively
tender to pets, overindulgent with children,
c m
odemonstrative c om
excessively
ia t . in showing
a t . affection
a
d
and
if a3tenderness. d if a3i d if a3i
.
w "All heart" people follow . .
ww matters, w ww the heart in all www
to the point that others wonder if the
head is operative at all. The heart decides
everything.co m can show all kinds ofcosoft
They m
i
emotions,
.
at but will rarely if ever 3report
i .
at harsher ia
i f a 3 f a
i are afraid of fa 3
w .demotions precisely because
w .dthey w .di
ww such emotions and w w keep them repressed. ww
must
Women are more inclined to this "reaction
formation" because our society programs them
c o mhostile or cruel emotions c o m
to believe
i . that
at horrifying in a woman. iat . are
a
dif 3
particularly
a a
d
3
if a3idif
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
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c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3CATALOG OF GAMES AND ROLES
i f a 3ia i f a 3ia
w.d w.d .d
107
w w w
w w ww
ALWAYS RIGHT
c o m c m
oargument.
Theset . people rarely if ever lose tan
ia when the evidence begins .
ia to stack up ia
f a 3
Even f a 3 f a 3
w .di against them, they can w
i
.dsalvage respect for theirw.d
i
ww position. They w
w
do not listen well and give the ww
appearance of expecting to learn little if anything
from others.
c o m Basically, their self-esteem c o m is
at .
threatened.
i Their dogmatism,ialike .
t excessive ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .di act doubly certain inworder
tenderness, is a result
.di to guard against w.di
of reaction formation. They
ww demoralizing doubtsww that stir in their ww

subconscious and tend to undermine their
certainty.
t . c omTheir behavior indicates t . c mopposite
othe
ofia
3 what seems to be true. They 3 iahave deep, if 3 ia
a a a
w .dif subconscious, doubts w dif themselves and w.dif
.about
ww their opinions. w
w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
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ww ww ww
m m
ia t.co ia t.co i a
a3 a3 a 3
w .dif w.dif w .di f
ww ww ww
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c o m c om
ia t . ia t .
i f a 3 a
WHY AM I AFRAIDifTO
3TELL i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
108 YOU WHO I AM?
ww w w w w
BODY BEAUTIFUL, THE
t.c
Usuallyaphysical
om
vanity is a compensation t.c for a om
3 i 3 i a 3 ia
i f a inferiority f aa f a
.di who play this
sense person.
.di
gnawing of as The
w .dbeautiful w
or handsome people w
ww game keep staring into wwthe mirror on the wall ww
and into the mirror of the eyes of others (or in
c om looking for their own

any shiny surface),
c o m
reflec
i
tion. They .
at do this because they cannot i .
at find any ia
i f a 3 f a 3
isi a sadness that f a 3
w .ddeeper consolations. There d
w . w .di
ww hangs w sort. Life is obviouslyww
over vanity of this
w
over at thirty-five. In the extreme, these people
identify their person with their body. They
would answer
t. c omthe question "What are t . c om
you?"
with3the
a ia response "I'm good-looking."
a 3 ia And if a 3 ia
if could be honest and open,
.dthey .dif they would add: w.dif
w w
ww ". . . nothing more, just wwgood-looking." ww
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
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c om c o m
ia t . t .
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
BRAGGART, THE
c
This .game
m
o is a childish attempt tto.casserto one's m
ia t ia manifes ia
f a 3
superiority.
f 3
It is one of theavarious
f a 3
w .di tations of arrested emotional
w .di development. Thew.di
ww wwa bully, too, if the situation
braggart is usually ww
allows. Braggarts want to dominate others, either
by wordsm or, if they feel sure of themselves,
m by
o
t.c strength. The indication
physical o
t.cis lack of self-
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
f a esteem. They want to feelfaimportant and discover f a
w .di nothing in themselves w
i
.dthat satisfies this need. We w .di
ww sometimes are w
w
tempted to ask them: "Are w
w
you
trying to convince us or yourself?" The answer
is: both. m m
t.c o t.c o
3 i a 3 i a 3i a
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
c om com
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
com c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3ia i f a 3ia
w.d w.d .d
111
w w w
w w ww
CLOWN, THE
c m
o clowns are, like most c m
o us, seeking
ia t .
Compulsive
a t. of
iattention. ia
f a 3
some sort of recognition fand a 3 The f a 3
w .di sadness is that theywthink .di they can gain notice w.di
ww w
only by playingwthe fool for others. Deeperw
w
than
this, it may be that they identify with their act
and try tomescape reality by taking nothing m
. c o . c o
3 iat
seriously. Clowning is sometimes
3 i at an escape 3 ia
f a fa f a
w .di themselves in a serious
device. Clowns don't
w
i
know how
.dsituation to
or
handle
how to w
react
.di
ww to sorrow, so theywwadopt an attitude of irrespon ww
sible gaiety. In dealing with others, their
clowning
t . c omserves as an adequatet.defensive
c om mask
a 3 ia the mask of the circusa3clown)
(like ia to prevent a 3 ia
w .dif others from knowing w dif they really are. Theyw.dif
.who
ww would rather laugh
w w and joke than face the w
realities of life. They would rather put their act
w
grim
on the stage than lay their person on the line.

c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c om
ia t . t .
WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
COMPETITOR, THE
c o m c o m
i at
Our American . culture has programmedi .
at most of ia
i f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w
us
.dplan.to accept competition
w
as
. di
a part of some divine
w . di
ww They Competitors w win at whatever they do.
must
w
make everything a "win-lose" situation.
w w
They don't discuss; they debate. The triumphs
that they seek, c o mso often at the expensecofom others
("Nice t .
iaguys finish last!"), mayabe3ithe t .
a outgrowth ia
f a 3 f f a 3
w .dofi emotional deprivationwor.dlack i of approval
w .di
ww earlier in life. The resultant ww insecurity causes ww
them to question their worth, and they are
consistently trying to prove this worth in
competition c m rivalry. Their need forcorecog
oand m
a t.
iintensifies t .
iaahead." ia
nition
if a 3 the drive to "geta 3 a 3
w .dCompetitors dif anyone they w.dif
feel hostility .toward
w
ww feel is standing in their wwway or surpassing them.ww
Sooner or later, they will be overcome by a sense
of failure since mthe appetite for victory becomes
increasingly t . c ovoracious. They have, in t . c om
the end,
3 i a 3 i a 3ia
f a
failed
i to prove their superiority
i f a and end up in
i f a
w w.dfrustration. Basically, w .d
thewproblem is that they
w w.d
w cannot distinguish between w themselves as w
persons and their accomplishments, between
being and having.
c o m (See "Inferior and Guilty," c o m
below.)at
i . at i. ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di w .d i
w.d
i
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
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c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3ia i f a 3ia
w.d w.d .d
113
w w w
w w ww
CONFORMIST, THE
om
c is called "peace at aany
Thist.game
om
t.cprice/' and the
3 i a 3 i 3 ia
f a price is surrender of all f a
individuality to others. It f a
w .di usually begins withwdomineering
.di authority andw.d
i
ww ww
guilt feelings. Conformists won't or can't riskwwthe
nonacceptance of others. They are often praised
for their m willingness to "go along," but m they pay a
. c o . c o
high
3 i at price in repressed emotions3 i at for the pittances 3 ia
f a fa f a
w .di disagree with the established
of praise that they
w .di
receive. Their unwillingness
w
to
.di
ww w or fashionable w
w
opinion renders them an anonymity to others. w
They usually develop some sort of psycho
c m
somaticosymptoms om
because their subconscious
c
t.
ia eventually becomesaoverloaded
mind ia t . with all ia
a 3 3 a 3
w .dif that they have had w dif in order to be "thew.dif
to.repress
ww good guy/gal who
ww goes along with anything." ww
(See "Inferior and Guilty," below.)
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
m m
ia t.co ia t.co i a
a3 a3 a 3
ww ww ww
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c o m c om
ia t . t .
114 WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
CRANK, THE
c o m c o m
The neurotic
i .
at tendency that characterizes i .
at the ia
f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .ddoi very well in situationswof
crank is a low frustration i
tolerance.
.dstrain Cranks don't
w .di
ww Usually their programming, ww like that of competiw w
and stress.
tors, involves early emotional deprivation,

resulting in o
c m of hostility. Crankscofeel
feelings m
deprived i .
atof personal security. They i .
t less sure
afeel ia
f a 3 fa 3 f a 3
w .dofi themselves when things w .dgoi wrong and nurse a w.di
ww long list of pet peeves,w
w which they publish for
others from time to time. Those in their vicinity
w w
know that any one of these can send them into
orbit, and.this
t c om is the game aspect. Others
t . c m
oare
warned
a 3 iain various ways that they a3 a not
imust a 3 ia
if
.dfrustrate cranks. .dif .dif
w w w w w w
w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
CYNIC, THE
c o
The .excessive
m c m
o collapse
t expectations of life
ia result in the cynic game. t. often
iaPeople who are ia
f a 3and
f a 3 f a 3
w .di programmed to think w
i the universe should be.di
.dthat w
ww tailored to their w
wcomfort often suffer a painfulww
collision with reality. At this point, they strike
back with m their cynicism. Basically, m cynics are
t.c o
demoralized unrealists. Thingst.have o
c failed to
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
f a turn out the way they wanted f a them, and so f a
w .di cynics take their pains w .dofi disillusion out on w.di
ww everyone. Youw
w
can't trust anyone. The whole ww
system is corrupt. As long as they persist in their
c o m they won't have to ctake

role as cynic,
oman honest
3
look
i at.at themselves and their3iworldat. nor go 3 ia
a a a
.dif facile wit is usuallywa.dsymptom
if if
through the pains of adjustment to reality. Their
w of submerged w . d
ww w w
antagonism; they have not found life as they ww
wanted it. They have never learned empathy or
tolerance,
t . c omand they have nevertexperienced
. c om a
a 3 ia affection for others. Consequently,

true
a 3 ia they are
a 3ia
i f
.d very lonely peoplewbehind i f
.d their sardonic .d i f
w w "smirks." w ww
w w w
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
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c om c om
ia t . ia t .
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
DELUDED BY GRANDEUR
This game
om
t.cusually grows out of a imistaken
t.c sense om
3 i a 3 a 3 ia
ofifapersonal importance. Players
i f a have been f a
w .dprogrammed to portraywto.dothers a sense of w .di
ww importance. They are ww name-droppers and tend w to
w
be "I-centered" in conversation. Like braggarts,
these peopleoplay
c m a game of compensation c o mfor
i
inadequate .
at self-esteem. There is3always i .
at some ia
f a 3
i to protect the wounded f a f a 3
w .deffort w .di ego from further w.di
ww humiliation. They are w
w attracted to dramatic
deeds—a grandstander. They resent insignifi
ww
cance. They usually dream about some
c m
magnificentomemento by which the world
c omwill
remember t.
ia them when they areagone. t .
ia The ia
if a 3 3 a 3
w .ddelusional .dif them a sense of w.dif
system tries to afford
w
ww importance denied w in w
reality. Obviously, it is ww
difficult to be honest with them about
themselves.
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
m m
ia t.co ia t.co ia
a3 a3 a 3
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
ia t . t .
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
DOMINATOR, THE
c
Thist.game
m
o is often characterizedt.cbyoan m
a 3 ia
exaggerated a
desire to control3 iathe lives of others a 3 ia
f
.di as well as their thought f
.diprocesses. Like most w.di f
w w
ww ww their importance orww
people who exaggerate
wisdom, dominators are bothered by sub
conscious m feelings of inadequacy. It m is strange
that
o
c often such people areatso
t.very o
.c determined to
3 ia 3 i 3 ia
f a feel adequate that they f
are a distracted from the f a
w .di fact of their domineering w .di ways. They usually w.di
ww ww
explain their domination as necessary, reasonww
able, and justifiable. Dominators are very often
troubled
c o m
by feelings of hostility. These
c o m feelings,
3 i at. they repress, find expression
which
3 i at. in selfishness 3 ia
a a a
w .dif and w . if
thoughtlessness inddealing with those they dif
.
ww w
are supposed to love.
w ww w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
c om com
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
com c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3ia i f a 3ia
w.d w.d .d
119
w w w
w w ww
DREAMER, THE
om
c is clearly an "escape"
Thist.game
om
t.cgame. Dreamers
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
f a are intent upon flight fromf a reality. They achieve f a
w .di great things in a fantasy w .di world, where they w.di
ww receive recognitionww and honor. Very often w w
their
dreams are a substitute for achievement and
represent
c omsome kind of compensation c o mfor their
lack
i .
atof success with and in 3theiareal .
t world. ia
f a 3 f a f a 3
w .di because
Dreamers usually like d
w . i
movies and stories
w .di
ww w of fancy stoke their imagi w
such flights
w
nations with new settings and materials for w
future reveries. Eventually, they create a
comfortable
t. c om world in which theyt.ccan ombecome
a 3 ia
"somebody."
a3 ia have
Very often dreamers
a 3 ia
w .dif ambitioned more than w
if abilities could reach, .dif
.dtheir w
ww and they have to w
w compensate themselves inww
fantasy for their disappointment in reality. This is
sometimes called "neurotic fiction." Dreamers
have.an c m to explain every actual
oalibi c omfailure. They
t
ia bring their ambitionsa3into t .
ia line with their
i f a 3can't i f i f a 3ia
w w.d acceptabilities. What they need
w w .d most is the courage tow.d
w w as they are.
themselves ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . t .
WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
DRINKER, THE PROBLEM,
AND DOPEomADDICT, THE
c c o m
3 iat. 3 ia t.
3ia
. d ifa dreamer escapes from.dreality
The ifa on the magic . d ifa
w ww tries the route of www
ww rug of fantasy; the drinker
w
narcosis. Those who are most vulnerable to stress
are usually most in need of an escape. Addiction
to drink orco m drugs is usually found
narcotic c o m in
those i .
at react poorly to deprivation,
who i .
at who are ia
f a 3
i easily overcome by defeat, fa 3 f a 3
w .dmost w .di and who are w .di
ww most self-consciouswand w ill at ease with others. ww
This is not to deny, of course, that addiction is or
can be genetic.
t. c om t . c om
The 3 a
imomentary 3
release and the a
iexperience of 3 ia
if a f a a
w .dfreedom, .disedation
enjoyed under the
w of excessive
w .dif
ww drink or dope, are usually
ww followed by heightww
ened anxiety and deeper depression when the
haze clears. This, of course, brings on further
. c om to deaden anxiety,tthe
need of tsedation . c m
osense of
ia
3 and depression. Drinking i a
3and dope as a 3ia
i a
guilt,
f i f a i f a
w w.d"way out" are definitely .d in their capacity w.d
wlimited
w to do the job. Leaving
w
w reality, while the narcosisww
lasts, only makes it more difficult to return to
reality and tom live with it. The name of the mgame
c o c o
3i at. for sociability, self-expression,
is a "crutch"
3 i at. the
3 ia
i f a f a fa
.di troubles. .di
concealment of embarrassment, and the
w .dpossibility of forgetting wone's w
w w w w w w
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
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ww ww ww
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c om c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d
121
CATALOG OF GAMES AND ROLES
w .d
w w w w ww
FLIRT, THE
c m
o game" is basically an c om
i a .
The t"flirting
i a t. attempt to
ia
f a 3
gain for the ego some kind f a 3
of recognition. It is f a 3
w .di usually played by those w
i have never
.dwho w .di
ww cultivated any realwwemotional depth. Only deeper ww
relationships can result in security for the ego.
c om
Such relationships effect this securitym
c o by
at .
promoting
i better self-knowledge i .
at and self ia
f a 3 fa 3 f a 3
.di gamble of these more di .di
acceptance. Flirts, however, refuse to take the
w w .self-revealing relation w
ww w
ships; they keepwrunning. ww
Flirting
t. c om is possible only when the o
t . c m
emotions are
a ia and superficial, though

trivial
3 a 3 iano one wants to a 3 ia
w .dif admit this about hiswor.dher if emotions. Stable and .dif
w
ww w w
deeper human relationships can never be built
such emotions. The flirting game also assumes
w won
that when one tires of one conquest, he or she can
move on c manother. This is, of course,
oto c oma rather
t . t .
i f a 3ia kind of sport, in which
selfish
i f a 3iathere are many i f a 3ia
w .d injuries. No one wants w .dto admit to being a flirt (or w .d
w w to playing any one w
w of these games), but it iswthe w
first step to real emotional growth when we
admit the tendency in order to hold it in some
m m
kind tof
ia .co check.
ia t .c o
ia
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di w
In all of these games, .dwei must ask ourselves w.di
ww ww
what it is that we really want, why we wantwitw
(which will always tell us something about
m
ourselves),
o o m
and why it would be better to give up
t.c While flirting can bring
ouragame.
i at.csome passing
i a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . t .
WHY AM I AFRAID
ww w w w
gratification to the ego, little fleeting infatuations
often complicate
c o m life considerably. They c o m
lead us
i at .
into subterfuges, the invention ofia t.
excuses, ia
i f a 3 f a 3
i self. Sexual and .di f a 3
w .ddeceits, and preoccupation .dwith
ww emotional development
w
w
w starts with narcissism www
(self-fascination) in the child, but with growth as
a person, one should become more and more
capable of c o m (love of others). Flirts
altruism c o mhave
i at . i .
at self ia
been3somehow 3
fixated in an adolescent, 3
i f a fa f a
w .dcentered .di has been
state, and their growth
w w .di
ww arrested. ww ww
co m c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w . difa w .difa w .d i f a
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d .d
CATALOG OF GAMES AND ROLES 123
w w w
w w ww
FRAGILE—HANDLE WITH CARE
c m
opeople give many advance c o m
Fragile
i a t . i a t. signals to
ia
f a 3
others that they are f
delicatea 3
and need to be f a 3
w .di handled with great w .di Others are reluctantw.di
caution.
ww to confront people wwwho have ready-to-go tear ww
ducts and are capable of instant depressions. No
one wants
c o mto deliver bad news to cthem, o m to ask
them
i . .
at to accept responsibility3i(itatis much easier to ia
f a 3 fa f a 3
w .di criticism. Fundamentally,
take it on yourself), or
w .di this game grows out w
to offer them honest
.di
ww w w
a neurotic feeling of inability to cope with life. w w of
Fragility players exhibit a great sensitivity, too, to
the estimate
t . c om of others. Their egot.isctender;
om
a 3 ia or gestures are often
remarks
a 3 a
imisinterpreted. a 3 ia
w .dif Fragile people are hypersensitive
w .dif precisely
w .dif
ww because they place
wwvery little value on themw w
selves. This, however, will usually not be clear to
themselves or to most others.
t . c om t . c om
a ia
3Fragility 3ia to childhood, ifa3ia
represents a regression
a
i f i f
w w.d to w w d
a state of need and .helplessness. If the game is .d
ww
w w the players will never w
played successfully, have
to grow up or face the blood, sweat, and tears of
real life. Fragile people express with their sudden
com
tearst.and c
traumas what childrent.say omwith their
3i a 3 i a 3 ia
i f atantrums and screaming. fThe
di a demand is for the
i fa
w.d preferential treatment w.children so often require.w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
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ww ww ww
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c o m c om
ia t . ia t . ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
124 WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
GOSSIP, THE
Participants
om
t.c in the gossip game, like om
c game
t.most
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
i f a
players, are in there for i f a
sensitive, personal stakes.
di f a
w .dUnable to make the fullw .dof
use their own abilities, w.
ww and being defeatistswatwheart and sorry for ww
themselves because they cannot measure up to
their own ego
c omideal, they choose to elevate c o mtheir
i at .
own self-esteem by undermining ithe .
at esteem of ia
i f a 3 fa 3 f a 3
w .dothers. w .di
Adler calls it the "derogatory critique." It
w .di
ww isone'smuch easier to tear w
w down others than to lift
self up by achievement. Superiority and
ww
inferiority being relative terms, lowering others
seems to raise
at. comone's own status.
at. com
a 3 i a3 i a 3 ia
w .difBenjamin Franklin oncewsaid
.dif that if you want to w.dif
ww know someone's faults,
ww praise the person to hisww
or her peers. Gossiping can also be a salve for
sensitive guilt feelings. We like to recite the
c m
ofoothers so we won't have
m
toofeel so
c
misdeeds t .
ia our own misdeeds. aThis t .
bad
i f a 3about i f 3iaaccounts for i f a 3ia
w w.dour eagerness to learnwthe d scandals from w.d
w.latest
w newspapers, magazines, w and so on. The media ww
readily oblige and comfort the gossip. After
reading aboutm vicious murders, for example, m our
own sarcasm c o
t. and anger do not seem c o
t.to be such
3 i a 3 i a 3 ia
i f a
terrible evils. The gain of theif a
game: elevation of i fa
w.dself and greater ease in livingw.d with one's regrets. w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3 i f
CATALOG OF GAMES AND ROLES a 3ia 125 i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
HEDONIST, THE
c m
o before all" type people c m
o try to hide
.
"Mytpleasure
ia emotional immaturitya3under t.
ia various ia
f a 3
their
f f a 3
w .di euphemisms ("just for w
i
.d'kicks!'"), but the w .di
ww immaturity surfacesww quickly in relationships. ww It is
characteristic of the child and the neurotic (the
emotionalm child) that they must havem their
o
t.c and have it immediately.
pleasure
o
t.cThey will not
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
f ainhibit for long any impulsef a to indulge them f a
w .di selves. They are notwable .dito suspend their w .di
ww ww even long enough to w
grasping for pleasure
w
look
at the implications of their actions.
c om
t.inability om
t.c eventually
3 The
i a to postpone pleasure
3 i a 3 ia
a a a
w .dif leads w . dif pleasure in all w.dif
hedonists to seek their
ww wexpense. When the stimulus ww

things, at anyone's
w
of pleasure-to-be-had is registered, the response
is automatic. Habits of hedonism are very often
acquired
t . c om t . c om
as compensatory for the difficult
i f a 3ia of life. "I was overlooked

aspects
i f a 3ia or misunder i f a 3ia
w .d stood, so now I can w .d or masturbate." w.d
overeat
ww ww never examined
(Such logic is almost ww
consciously.)
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c om
ia t . t .
WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
I...I...I
c o m c o m
It is almost
i .
at a universal law that3the i .
atextent of ia
i f a 3 f a f a 3
w
egocentrism
.damount in any person
w di It is a question of w.di
is
.her. proportionate to the
ww attention. We cannot ww w
of pain in him or
give a great deal of w
attention to ourselves and to others simulta
neously. Weohave
c m only a limited amount c o m
of
attention t .
ia that we can confer. The a t .
idestructive or ia
if a 3 fa 3
i it magnetizes f a 3
w .ddiminishing part of pain is.dthat
w w .di
ww attention to ourselvesw
w and to the area of our pain.w
Those who are suffering anything from a
w
toothache to the loneliness of old age tend to
egocentrism.
t . c om
Preoccupation with self.c
t om
often
3
evolves
a ia into hypochondria (overconcern
a 3 ia with
a 3 ia
if
.dhealth) .dif complex).
or paranoia (persecution .dif
w w w w w w
w w w
People cannot fashion themselves to be the
center of the universe and then live comfortably
.
with thetfact c omthat others do not accept t . c om as
them
a
3iWhatever 3ia 3ia
such.
i f a pains our past
i f aprogramming has
i f a
w w.dleft in us (guilt, inferiority,
w w.danxiety, and so on), ww.d
w w
these pains will inevitably lead us into all the w
pitfalls of egocentrism. Egocentrics do not mind
c o m
what the conversation is about as long asm
c o it is
3i at. Eventually, they will

about them.
3 i afallt. into 3 ia
i f a f a f a
.dai prison. They will w.di
emotional depression because living in such a
w .drestricted world is livingw in
ww suffer even more than wwthe others who must liveww
or work with them.
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
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ww ww ww
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c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3
CATALOG
i f
OF GAMES AND ROLES a 3ia 127 i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w
INDECISIVE AND UNCERTAIN
ww
It has.c o msaid that the greatest mistake

been c o m a person
i t is to be afraid of making
amake i .
at mistakes. ia
f a 3
can
f a 3 f a 3
w .di Indecision and uncertainty
w .di are ways of avoidingw.di
ww ww
mistakes and responsibility. If no decision w is w
made, nothing can go wrong. The inclination to
avoid decisions is sometimes manifested by
c om c o m we
.
at must make. The only
dragging
i
out as long as possible
i t
areal.
the ones
ia
if a 3
actually
i fa 3 mistake is not
i f a 3
w.d to learn from our mistakes.w.d w.d
ww w w w w
The basic problem here is self-esteem and the
protection of self-esteem. People who are
c omfear that they will loset.crespect
indecisive
t. om if their
a 3 ia turns out to be wrong.
decision
a 3 ia Only little a 3 ia
w .dif people, someone haswsaid, .dif are never wrong. Wew.dif
ww learn more from w mistakes than from ourww
wour
successes. But indecisive people are so focused
on their own egos and personal value that they
t
do not. c omthe validity of all these
see t . c om The
truths.
i f a 3ia of the game is safety
name
i f a 3iaself-protection;
and
i f a 3ia
w.d the motto: Nothing w .d
attempted, nothing lost. w.d
ww w w w w
Very often, too, indecisiveness results in people
who have been programmed by multitudinous
co m contradictory) instructions
(and sometimes c o m and
i at . i t .
areproached ia
f a 3
moralizing, or who have been
f a 3 and
fa 3
w .di embarrassed for pastwmistakes.
.di Finally, indeci .di
w
ww wwin people who attempt toww
siveness can result
support more emotionally burdening problems
than they can solve. They usually become rattled
c o m none of them. c o m
t
and can.ia
solve t . ia i a
i f a3 if a3 fa 3
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ww ww ww
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c om c om
ia t . ia t .
i f a
128
3 i f a 3TELL i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
WHY AM I AFRAID TO YOU WHO I AM?
ww w w w w
INFERIOR AND GUILTY
c m
o literature distinguishes cmobetween
t .
Psychoanalytic
ia feelings and guilt feelings, t .
ia though ia
a 3
inferiority
f
i are manifestations of.dconflict i f a 3 f a 3
w .dboth w between the w .di
ww actual self and the w w
ideal self. The inner strugglewis
w
between what one actually is and what one
would like tom be, between what one actually m does
. c o . c o
or feels
3 iatand what one thinks one3ishould at do or 3 ia
if a f a f a
.da irecognition of .di
feel. The fundamental difference is that in
w .dinferiority feelings, w
there is w
ww weakness and inadequacy. ww People who suffer ww
from inferiority feelings usually provoke
competitionoand
c m aggression. They seek c otom
t .
ia their feelings of inferiority
eradicate t .
ia by showing ia
a 3
if superiority in some form a 3 a 3
w .dfeelings,
their
w . dif of rivalry. Guilt w.dif
ww not muchongood. w can be verbalized: "1 w
the contrary,
w
Most of what I want to do (my
amw
desires) and have done (my deeds) seem mean
t . om deserve contempt and

and evil. Icreally
t . c m
opunish
ment a my failures." Guilt feelings
3ifor 3ia inhibit the 3ia
i f a i f a i f a
w .dcompetitive spirit. Theyware .d reactions to the w .d
w w hostile and aggressive w
w impulses that one feels w w
within the self.
c m
oof such guilt feelings, wet.cusually
o try m
.
To get trid
ia competition, whilea3inferiority
ia ia
i f 3
to arenounce
f fa 3
w .dfeelings usually invite us
w .todia competitive w .di
ww attitude. Guilt feelings wwusually persuade us to ww
subordination; they usually surface in self
depreciation m and even self-punishment. m People
o o
at.ctry to free themselves from
generally
i at.cinferiority
i a i
ww. w . w.
w ww ww
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c o m c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3
CATALOG i f
OF GAMES AND ROLES a 3ia 129 i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
feelings by ambition and competition, by trying
to get revenge or the upper hand. The extrication
c o
from .guilt
mfeelings is usually attempted c o m through
i at i .
aoft any hostile or ia
f a 3
submission and the avoidance
f a 3 f a 3
w .di aggressive behavior.wInferiority
.di feelings tend to w.d
i
ww ww feelings tend to produceww
produce rebels; guilt
conformists with modest and submissive ways.
m
co and competition remain m
corestricted to
a t .
Ambition
i imagination and the phantasy a t .
i life of guilt- ia
f a 3
the fa 3 f a 3
w .di ridden people. Theyware i
.dusually retiring, w .di
ww w
nonconspicuouswtypes, who assiduously avoid ww
contradictions. They have a tendency to mini
mize theirm own abilities. After behaving m in a way
c o
. consciences cannot approve, c o
that
3 i attheir 3 i at. the people 3 ia
a a a
w .dif with w . if resolve that they will .dif
guilt feelings usually
d
never again do thewsame thing. People with ww
w w w more often react by asking, w
inferiority feelings
"Why not? Why not do these things? I'm not
going toogive
c m in to external or interior c ompressures
onia t . ia t .
i f a 3 my conduct!" (See Franz i f a 3Alexander, i f a 3ia
w.d Fundamentals of Psychoanalysis,
.d
w
1964.) .dw
ww ww ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c om
ia t . ia t .
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
INFLAMMABLE
HANDLE WITH
m CAUTION m
t . c o t. c o
a ia
is3hard for most of us to believe a ia
3 this, but people a 3 ia
It
i f i f i f
w w.dwho have "short fuses" w
.d give forth loud
wand w w.d
w noises are frequently w reacting to some supposed w
grievance. But the supposed grievance is not
what is reallym bothering them. As they cannot m
. c o . c o
discuss
3 iatopenly the real source of3ianger,
at they are 3 ia
i f a
simply letting off steam and i fa
their explosions can i f a
w .drarely w .d w .d
ww in their subconscious
be taken at facewvalue. What is smolderingw
w is a buried hostility. People w
are usually much more hostile than they realize.
We usuallyorepress
c m our real resentment c m
obecause
our societyt.
ia has conditioned usato a t .
ibelieve that ia
if a 3 if 3 a 3
w .dhostility is unbecoming in.d
w
socialized, civilized
w .dif
w w human beings. w w w
w
Karl Menninger, in Love Against Hate, describes
the chain.c
t om of parents with hidden
reaction
t . c om
i f 3ia frustrating their children
hostilities
a i f a 3ia and building i f a 3ia
w w.dup in them more repressed
w w .dhostilities. Then the w.d
in w
w children grow up into w frustrated parents who w
turn frustrate themselves and their children.
More hostilities! The first step in breaking this
co mMenninger submits, isctoom
i a t .
chain reaction,
i a t. recognize ia
thef a 3 a 3
sources and extent of our aggression
f and hostility, fa 3
w .dofi which we are very often w
i
.dunconscious. They are w.d
i
ww hidden (repressed)wbecause w we are led to feel that ww
we can't be angry (especially at our own parents,
who have "done
c o m so much" for us). After c o m
recognizing
i .
at our true source of hostility, .
at we i a i
i f a3 if a3 fa 3
w . d w . d w .di
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3
CATALOG
i
OF GAMES AND ROLESf a 3ia 131 i f a 3 ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
should try to neutralize these recognized
resentments by deepening our understanding or
c o m them in nondestructivec o m
i .
by releasing
at competition). It also3helps
i . ways
at to talk them ia
f a 3
(athletic
f a f a 3
w .di out. Meanwhile we shouldw .di be aware that we arew.di
ww ww with those we love ww
often most inflammable
because it is usually against them that we bear
the most hostility,
m since our dealings with
m them
o
.c longer and more intense.
have tbeen t.c o
a3 ia a 3i a
a3 ia
. d if .d i f .d i f
w w w
ww ww ww
co m c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
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c o m c om
ia t . ia t .
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
INTELLECT, THE—
ALIAS THE m
EGGHEAD m
t . c o t. c o
a ia
3social programming often a ia
3makes it much a 3 ia
f
Our
i i f i f
w w.deasier for us to be intellectual
w w.d and to scorn fuller ww.d
w w
human reactions, especially insofar as they arew
emotional. Usually, the role of the "intellect" is
assumed by people
c om who are afraid ofctheir o m
emotionsi .
at or are uncomfortable 3with i .
at them for ia
i f a 3 f a f a 3
w
one reason
.dprogrammed or another.
di
Perhaps
w . they were
w .di
ww sentiment was weakness. ww Sometimes, too, people ww
not to show them, to think that
find themselves unable to relate easily with

others, to enjoy
t. c om friendship, and so they t . c m to
oresort
a of intellectualism. ia
their ipose ia
di f a3 di f a3 d ifa3
w. w. w .
ww The ivory tower of such
w w intellectualism is alsowaw
common refuge from the competition involved in
human relations. In themselves the learning
processes.care
t omnot as threatening to mostt . c om
of us as
are 3
a ia people. The classroom
other
a 3isiapreferable to a 3ia
i f i f i f
w w.dMore
the cold, cruel world we have
w .d been taught to fear. w.d
w timid souls would w
w rather read about life ww
than try to live. Library stacks can be a retreat
from the headaches of daily living, and they can
c m of isolation and thecoprestige
osolace m of
providetthe
i .
aa scholar. They can also be3ian .
at escape from ia
i f a
being 3 if a i fa 3
w.dsocial responsibilities. w.d w.d
ww ww ww
People programmed for isolation are usually
more inclinedmto scholarly work than to m
o t.co than
at.c relations with others. aRather
meaningful
i i 3i a
w . w . w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3 i f a 3ia 133 i f a 3 ia
w.d w.d .d
CATALOG OF GAMES AND ROLES
w w w
w w ww
admit that they are hermits, shut off from society,
the players of this game insist that they are
c o mto higher learning. Incidentally,
c o m this
.
dedicated
i i .
at frees us from social responsibilities,
at ia
f a 3
game f a 3 f a 3
w .di organizations, committees,
w .di paying dues, and w.di
ww w
making friends.w(Please note: This is definitely ww
not intended as an indictment of scholars. The
true scholar
c o m makes a valuable contribution
c o m to
.
society,
i .
at but no one is called3toiabet a scholar at the ia
f a 3 fa f a 3
.di functioning person.)w.di .di
expense of being a truly human being, a fully
w w w w w
w w w
co m c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
ww ww ww
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
LONER, THE
There is another
c o m escape pattern, or game, c o mwhich
is very i .
amuch .
t like the ivory toweriaoftintellect ia
i f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
.dualism described above; it.d isi the isolation game. .di
w w w
ww Loners shut themselves ww off from others, live ww
alone, and try to convince themselves that they
like it this way. By entering this kind of solitary
confinement, c o m
they succeed in evading c o
allmthe
i at . i .
t and
alife ia
most
i f a 3difficult challenges of human
i f a 3 f a 3
w .dsociety. Loners assume the.dattitude
w of smugness;
w .di
ww they smirk at organizations, ww laugh at the poor ww
"joiners," whom they look upon with a pre
tended attitude of superiority and condescen
sion. They t. c om telling themselves that
keep t . c m are
othey
abovea 3 iathis sort of nonsense. a3ia a 3 ia
.di f .di f .di f
w w w
ww push w
Neurotics are torn between
w their inner need to w
toward and pull away from people. Loners
w
are neurotics who opt in favor of the pulling
away from c m They retreat, and since
opeople. c omthey
t . t .
cannot
i f a 3iarelate easily to others,ifathey3iaplay their i f a 3ia
w w.dThe
game to avoid failures in human
w w .d relationships.
w w .d
w ultimate effectsware conditioned by what isw
inside of loners, the reasons for their withdrawal
tendencies. If it is hostility that is predominant, it
c o m erupt into violence, casowith m Lee
.
could eventually
i .
atOswald. If it is anxiety, 3iticould
at result in ia
a
Harvey
i f 3 f a f a 3
w .dcompulsive-obsessive w .di habits (for
neurotic w .di
ww example, repeatedlywwashing w hands). If it is w
w
paranoia, it will deepen the gulf between
themselves and
c o m the rest of the humancrace. o m The
escapist
i .
atpattern always ends in 3some i .
at kind of ia
3
fi a tragedy.
lonely fi a fi a3
w .d w .d w .d
ww w w w w
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c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3ia i f a 3ia
w.d w.d .d
135
w w w
w MARTYR, THE
w ww
c o m
The .persecution complex (paranoia) c o mof "the
i at is an emotional disorder i .
at characterized ia
f a 3
martyr"
f a 3 f a 3
w .di by many false suspicious w .di beliefs. Paranoid trends w .di
ww are observed in w kind of schizophrenia,waw
wone
mental disorder in which the sick person is
separated from reality. In neurotic paranoiacs the
c om characteristic is suspicion.c o m They
.
at from what psychologists
outstanding
i i .
at call "delusions of ia
f a 3
suffer fa 3 f a 3
w .di reference." Such delusionsw .di convince paranoiacsw.di
ww that everyone w
w
is talking about them, that itwrains
w
on the day of their parade because God is
holding m m
something against them personally, and
c o
t. It is a feeling of being abused.c o
soaon.
3i 3i at. 3i a
i f a i f a i f a
w .d It should be said w .dsomething of this feelingw.d
that
ww w
is in all of us atwtimes; very normal peoplew at
w
times suffer from delusions. In the normal
c m
person,ohowever, these delusions are
c omnot so
ia t . ia t .
i f a 3irrational,
find
so extreme, or so crippling.
i f a 3 Paranoiacs
i f a 3ia
w.d liars, who must invent
themselves same
w.dstories to justify theirwmis
in
w.d
often the predicament as
w w w w w
representation of the facts. Eventually these
delusions become systematized, and paranoid
o
individuals
c m tend to hang on to them c o min spite of all
t .
ia apparent inconsistencies. t .
ifa3the ifa 3ia ifa 3ia
w . d w . d w .d
ww wwdelusions usually growwoutwof
The persecutory
an inferiority complex. Individuals with such
delusions hate their own inadequacy and project
c o m into the minds of others;
c o m they
their
t
ia . thinking t . ia a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
WHY AM I AFRAID
ww w w w
conclude that others hate them too. They cannot
o m
establish satisfactory
c relationships withoothers
c m
i
and3are
.
atgenerally oversensitive.3Their
i .
at egos are ia
f a
i tender. In feeling rejected f a f a 3
w .dvery w .di by others, they w.di
ww increasingly
gradually withdraw into
w w themselves and become
estranged and alienated from them.
w w
Then they are unable to check their imagined
c
interpretations omof the facts that they are c o m
misjudg
i a t . i a t . ia
ing.3They feel that they were not 3 suspicious 3
if a fa f a
w .denough of other people, and
w .di that others took w .di
ww advantage of them.wNow w they are too suspicious ww
and feel that they cannot trust anyone.
m
o relations are impossible
csocial mco to
Normal
a t.
i with such an attitude aof3mind. a t .
i All of us ia
a 3
sustain
if somewhat suspicious..dThe if opposite of this a 3
w .dare w w .dif
ww normal awareness w w be gullibility or ww
would
naivete. Paranoiacs have gone much too far. They
implement their
c o m game by blaming other c o m
people
for their
3 iat.mistakes. This habit, called
3 i at."passing the 3ia
i f a
buck," i
is a normal part of the f a
paranoid delusion. i f a
w w.dParanoiacs cannot evaluate
w w.dproperly their own ww.d
w w
responsibility as distinguishable from the role w of
others in causing their problems. Their own self
deceptions o
c m absolutely clear andctrue
seem o mto
them.iat . iat . ia
i f a 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w.d .d
w out of an unstable w w.d
ww The martyr complexwgrows
w
self-evaluation and a failure to maintain a
w
satisfactory degree of faith in others. Its
expressionco ism
to blame others for our c o m
unhap
t . t .
3iaParanoiacs are also aware
piness.
a 3iaof their own
a a 3 i a
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w.d
CATALOG OF GAMES AND ROLES ________________________ 137
w w w w w w
hostile feelings, but rationalize them with their
delusions. Their desire is to attack others because
c m
opersecuted. c o mway are
i .
they tfeel Delusions in
at
a attempts to create an3imaginary
i . this
ia
f a 3
simply f a situation f a 3
w .di in which the symptoms w
i
.dexperienced within can w.d
i
ww appear rational w w acceptable. Paranoiacs' ww
and
capacity for rationalization is often remarkable,
c om
and sometimes they succeed in convincing
o m others
at.rationality
of the
i at.c
of their behavior.
i a i
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
co m c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . t .
w.d138 .d TO TELL YOU WHO I AM? w.d
WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
MESSIAH, THE
c o m c o m
This gamei .
at calls for a little imagination
i .
at (and a ia
i f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w
subconscious
.dfancy need to feel
w . di
important). Messiahs
w . di
ww could themselves w of the human race. It ww
saviors
w
well be a reaction formation to the fear of
insignificance. They think of themselves as the
"helper" and c omothers as the "helped" inco m all
almost
of theiri t .
arelationships. i .
at others to ia
f a 3 Instead of3urging
i their own strength and.dwisdom, i fa f a 3
w .duse w
messiahs
w .di
ww dutifully lend out theirs. ww They relate to very fewww
people as equals. If people are attracted to
messiahs because of their good qualities that are
.
not completely
t c omsubmerged by their tassumed
. c om role,
3
it will a easier for these people3ifiathey have a
ibe 3 ia
if a a
if admission ticket. a
.dproblem
w or need. It will be.dan
w .dif w
w w w w w w
The gain of the game is a rather large,
expansive feeling m and a long, well-memorized
t .
list of those c o . c om
who have been helped. tBasically,
f a 3ia have inferiority feelings
messiahs
i i f a 3iaand seek to i f a 3ia
w w.dfree themselves from w w.dby dominating othersww.d
these
w emotionally. w w
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
ia t . t .
w.d w.d w .d
ww ww ww
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t. ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
w .d w .d w .d
ww ww ww
c om com
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
com c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
WHY AM I AFRAID
ww w w w
MOMMY, THE
c o m c o m
i at .
The overprotective i
mother (or, more .
at rarely, a ia
i f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w .dfather) plays a very harmful
w . digame. Mommies w . di
ww usually produce littlew
w monsters, utterly selfish w
people who demand their own way in every
w
thing. Such children are tragically unprepared
for a world c om is simply unwilling tocbaby
that o m them
and 3 i . at .
at to their every whim.3iPsychological ia
if a accede
i fa f a 3
w .dstudies w .dwartime
done on soldiers in show that
w .di
ww those who "crack up" wwmost often and most ww
severely are the products of overprotective
mothers. The most often requested song of
c
soldiers,t.when omBing Crosby visited the
t . c m
oSouth
3
Pacific
a iatroops in World War II,awas
3 ia Brahm's a 3 ia
if if if
w.d"Lullaby." w.d w.d
ww ww ww
This game is not motivated by a genuine,
healthy, and m mature love. There are threem
. c
possibletcauses:
o .
(1) Neurotic anxiety. tThe c oinsecure
f a
mother
i 3iais fearful that her children
i f a 3iamay suffer i f a 3ia
w w.dsome harm unless shewdoes w.deverything for them. ww.d
w This fear is usually w transmitted to her children.w
Such a mother does not enjoy her children and
only worries
c o mabout them. (2) Hostility. Strange
c o m as
this mayi .
at seem, maternal overprotectioni .
at is ia
i f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w
sometimes
.dformation) an
.di hostility toward w.di
overcompensation
w
(reaction
ww her children. She atones ww for her personal dislikeww

for a subconscious
of her children by conscientious devotion to

o m marital relations. The
them. (3) Frustrated
c c o m
mother
t .
who3isiaunhappy t .
ifa
with her husband
ifa 3iafrequently ifa 3ia
w . d w . d w . d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
ia t . ia t . ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 141 dif
a3
w .d CATALOG OF GAMES AND
w d
.ROLES w.
w w w w w w
pours her pent-up feelings of affection on her
children. m Under such circumstances the m children
c o c o
bear
3 i at.the brunt of the unsatisfied
3 i at.love life of the 3 ia
i f a mother. (See David i
Levy,f a
Maternal Overprotection i f a
w.d [Columbia University w.dPress, 1966].) w.d
ww ww ww
PEACE AT ANY PRICE
c om c o m
i
(See .
at"Inferior and Guilty.") 3iat . ia
f a 3 fa f a 3
w .di w .di w .di
ww ww ww
co m c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w . difa w .difa w .d i f a
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
PONCE DE LEON
c o m c o m
.
t game of people who areiaaging
This isiathe t. and ia
i f a 3 f a 3 f a 3
w
simply cannot
.dmiddle-aged adjust to
.di they are losing their w.di
the
w
fact. Frequently,
ww physical attractiveness. ww Baldness, the middle-age ww

people feel that
spread, wrinkles around the neck—all symbolize

declining c om among the oppositecosex.
prestige m To
i
compensate
.
at for this deterioration3iof .
atage, those ia
f a 3 f a
i have never developed.dasi true persons and f a 3
w .dwho w w .di
ww who have never developed ww deeper emotional ties ww
with others usually begin looking for a young
lover. In addition to the physical evidence, which
shows in.the
t c ommirror, these people also
t . c om
com
3
pensate
a ia for an emotional "slump,"a3 iawhich is a 3 ia
if
.devidenced .dif fatigue, and more w.dif
in loss of ambition,
w w
ww frequent fits of depression.
ww Biologically, this canww
be due to insufficient hormone production.
c m
o of this game is that these mc opeople
t .
The tragedy
ia t .
have
i f a 3suffered emotional arrest
i f a 3iahave never
and
i f a 3ia
w w.dlearned to relate meaningfully
w w.d as persons; they ww.d
w have very little left w for consolation in middle age. w
They have prized their "sex appeal" and fear that
c o m they try to hide their

it is waning. Sadly,
c o m
double
chins,ia t.
varicose veins, the wrinkles, i t. hair, and
agray ia
i f a 3 if a 3 fa 3
.di
so on. They keep trying to think and act young.
w .dSex appeal has never w
been
.dand could never be w
ww the key to the finer w w
things in life. It certainly does ww
not sustain us in the process of aging.
m m
ia t.co ia t.co ia
a3 a3 a 3
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3ia i f a 3ia
w.d w.d .d
143
w w w
w w ww
POOR MOUTH, THE
om
c is played by those awho
Thist.game
om
t.c appear to be
3 i a 3 i 3 ia
f a self-depreciating. The f a
players talk themselves f a
w .di down, perhaps in searchw .di of reassurances that w.di
ww ww feelings." (See also "Inferior
assuage their "guilt ww
and Guilty.")
c om c o m
at .
POUTER,
i THE i at . ia
f a 3 fa 3 f a 3
w .di The pouting game iswplayed
.di by emotional w.di
ww wwcannot sit down and openly
children. Pouters ww
discuss interpersonal problems, usually because
t. om or grievance is irrational
their position
c t . c om and they
a 3 ia know it. They canascourge
secretly 3 ia others a 3 ia
w .dif emotionally by theirwsilence,
.dif sad looks, and so on, w .dif
ww without having towtell these people what is w
w
bothering them. They can sulk without accepting
w
the responsibility of having to explain why they
c
are acting
t . omthis way. A full explanation
t . c ommight
a ia so silly that they know
3sound a 3ia(peripherally) that ifa3ia
i f i f
w w.d the other person might
w w .deven laugh. However, w.d
w they can derivewtheir needed satisfaction and ww
indulge their own self-pity without having to
work out difficult situations through communi
c o m also "Fragile—Handlecowith m Care.")
iat .
cation. (See t . ia i a
f a 3 f a 3 fa 3
w .di w .d i
w.d
i
ww ww ww
co m com
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c om
ia t . t .
ia YOU WHO I AM?
i f
144a 3 f
WHY AM I AFRAIDiTOa 3TELL i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
ww w w w w
PREJUDICE AND BIGOTRY
c m
isothe outgrowth of a social cmo
This game
ia t . ia t. neurosis
ia
that
i f a 3
flourishes chiefly among the
f a 3insecure.
f a 3
w .dPrejudiced people need w .di kind of vent for
some w .di
ww their emotional hostilities. ww The personal ww
development of the chosen scapegoat in this
situation will m certainly not be helped if hem or she
is abused
o
t.inc this way. Gordon Allport, o
t.cin The
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
i f a i fa f a
.di
Nature of Prejudice, suggests that prejudice arises
w .dfrom our anxieties. We feel w .dinsecure, and so we w
ww form around us an in-group ww as a kind of buffer wofw
protection. Those outside of my in-group are
thought to be
c o m
a threat and menace. I lash
c omout at
i at. I am somehow threatened
them because
3 3 i at. by them. 3 ia
f a
icannot logically suggest why a
dif (though many dif a
w .dIreasons w . w .
ww my in-group are adduced),w
w but anyone who is not in w
is necessarily a threat to me if I am
w
highly anxious and insecure.
t . c om t . c om
i f 3ia is an emotional delusion.
Prejudice
a i f a 3ia Still, wher i f a 3ia
w .dever it exists, it is never w .d
recognized as such by
w.d
w w those who are w w
afflicted by it. Bigots will w w
inevitably try to explain their prejudice in
intellectual terms. They could hardly admit the
co m c o mterm
i .
irrationality of their position. But the .very
atmeans a premature judgment, i at a ia
i f 3
prejudice
a f a 3 fa 3
w .djudgment made before all
w di evidence is
.the w .di
ww considered. ww ww
Society verym often helps us with the work
m of the
o o
t.c needed to explain ourt.cprejudices;
rationalization
a3 ia a3 ia a 3ia
. di f . d if .di f
w w w
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3ia 145
i f a 3 ia
w w.d w w.d w w .d
w w w
most bigots therefore don't have to work out
their own rationalized, logical explanations. They
m well-rehearsed lines.com
corecite
can just
3 i at. 3 i at. 3 ia
. d ifa PROCRASTINATOR,.dTHE
ifa .d i f a
w w w
ww ww ww
The "manana" game attempts to evade reality by
postponing the things that should be done—that
c o mdone here and now. Procrastinators
c o m
should
i . be .
at to deceive themselves3byiaunrealistic
t ia
f a 3
have
f a f a 3
w .di assurances, like, "I'llwcut .di down on my smokingwas.di
ww soon as I can go w a vacation." "I'll start ww
won
exercising when the weather gets better." "I'll
start going m to church again when I settle
m down
and thave o
.c my own family andiachildren."
t.c o Es
3 i a 3 3 ia
a a a
.dif only one of the many dif if
caping into vague and unrealistic tomorrows is
w w .varieties of evasion of w.d
ww reality that we w
w ww
commonly seek. (See "Indecisive
and Uncertain.")
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . t .
i f a 3 f
WHY AM I AFRAIDiTOa 3ia i f a 3ia
w.d w.d w.d
146 TELL YOU WHO I AM?
ww w w w w
RESENTFULLY YOURS
c m
o types look for a scapegoat c m
o for
t .
When born-loser
ia ia t. ia
their
f a 3
own failure, they very often f a 3blame someone f a 3
w .dori something else: the establishment,
w .di life, the w .di
ww breaks. They resent w w
the success and happiness of ww
others because their own lives, by comparison,
are unhappy. m They have been somehow m
. c o
t We are all tempted to make o own
t.cour
deprived.
3 ia 3 i a 3 ia
if a f a f a
.di our own inade .di
failures understandable by explaining them in
w .dterms of something w
other than w
ww quacies. Unfair treatment ww by others, injustice, ww
the conspiracy of circumstances, and so on, make
it easier for us
comto face our failures. om
c
f a if a f a
w .diResenters use up all their.d
w
energies resenting, . d i
w w
and therefore they usually accomplish very little. ww
w w
Sometimes it seems that the most vicious critics
w
of anything (national government, school,
church) areco m often the ones that docnothing
very om
t . t .
for the
i f a 3iainstitutions they criticize
i f a 3soiavocally. i f a 3ia
w w.dResentful w w .d trying to bring their w.d
people are forever
case before the courtwof life, hoping that the juryww
w
of others will acquit them of their failures.
c m
ocomes from the Latin resentire
c o m
Resentmentt .
iaall over again"). Resenters t .
iaare always ia
("to
i f a 3
feel
f a 3 fa 3
w .drehearsing w
and rehashing .di past. They insist on w.di
the
ww reliving past battleswthey w cannot win, and they ww
often persist in this game for a lifetime. Resent
ment becomesm an emotional habit. No one's m
feelingsaare . c o
t caused by others. Our afeelings
t . c o are
i i a i
i f a3 if a3 fa 3
w . d w . d w .di
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . t .
i f a 3
CATALOG
i f
OF GAMES AND ROLES a 3ia
________________________ 147
i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w w.d
w w
caused by our own emotional response, our own
w
choices and reactions. Resenters are reactors, not
actors, c o
andmeventually, when theycrealizeo m this,
i . .
at are left with no vestiges3iofatself-respect. They ia
f a 3
they
f a f a 3
w .di have spent their lives w di
.employing a failure
w .di
ww mechanism, and w somehow know it. ww
wthey
Resentment is a cop-out.
c om com
iat . i a t . ia
w . w . w .
ww ww ww
co m c om
i a t. ia t . a
3 3 3i
w w w w w w
c o m c om
a t . ia t .
a3i a 3 a 3ia
w .dif w.d
i f
w.d
i f
ww w w ww
co m c o m
i at . iat . i a
ifa 3 if a 3 i fa 3
w . d w .d w.d
ww ww ww
co m co m
ia t . ia t . a
w . d w. d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c o m c om
ia t . ia t . ia
i f a 3 i f a 3 i f a 3
148 WHY AM I AFRAID
w
ww ww ww
SEX BOMB AND
PREDATORYmMALE, THE m
t . c o t. c o
a ia
3 the sick condition of ithe a ia
3nymphomaniac a 3 ia
i f
Barring f i f
w w.dwho is obsessed with w d girls who play
w.most
sex,
w w.d
w the "sex bomb" game w do so not because they w
really enjoy genital sexuality or because they are
"highly sexed."
c omIt is rather because they c o m they
feel
i
have nothing .
at else to offer but a provocative
i at . ia
f a 3
i They want to gain male fa 3 f a 3
w .dbody. w .di attention, and they w.di
ww usually
desire to be popular. The
w w ruse of this game ww
pays off, but the emotionally arrested
males it attracts are always very regrettable
t. om this sad motive oft.reaching

conquests.cBesides c om
out for
a 3 iaaffection and attention,asometimes
3 ia the
a 3 ia
if bomb" is trying to reject
.d"sex .difher parents, to spite w.dif
w w
ww them. ww ww
"The predatory male" is usually an ego-hunter,
looking for
t . c om new trophy of conquest.
some
t . c omHis
i f 3ia feelings (see "Inferior
inferiority
a i f a ia Guilty") are
3and i f a 3ia
w w.ddeep, and he wants towcompensate
w.d for them by
w w.d
w trying to make conquestsw of the opposite sex. w
Sometimes, successful "ladies' men" are merely
neurotics whom are industriously engagedm in an
attempt to c o t. c o
t. cover up their personaliainsecurity.
3i a 3 ia
fi a are more to be pitied than
They
.d fi a censored. fi a3
w w.d w .d
ww w
w "sex bomb" and
The sadness of both ww
"predatory male" is that they are seeking some
kind of human
c o mintimacy or nearness. Because
c o m
personal .
iatcloseness takes a long time .
iatand a
w . d w . d w .d
ww ww ww
www.Difa3iat.com
c om c o m
ia t . t .
i f a 3
CATALOG
i f
OF GAMES AND ROLES a 3ia 149
i f a 3ia
w w.d w w.d w .d
w w ww
demands much honesty (gut-level communi
cation), and because these people feel totally
c
inadequateo m to pay this price of true c o m
personal
i .
at they substitute physical i .
at for personal ia
f a 3
intimacy,
f a 3 f a 3
w .di intimacy. They are not w
i
.dequipped, they feel, to do .di
w
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150 YOU WHO I AM?
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STRONG, SILENT TYPE, THE,
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About the Book
In Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? John Powell applies his
valuable insights into self-awareness and interpersonal communication to help
us develop self-esteem and improve our relationships with others. We all fear
rejection. We are afraid that people will not like us if they know what we are
really like, so we often assume poses to avoid being honest with them and
with ourselves. Powell identifies five levels of communication and suggests
that the kinds of information we disclose determine the level or depth of our
relationships.
Who are you? Are you “the martyr”? Are you “the body beautiful”? Are
you “the clown, ” “the competitor, ” “the cynic, ” or one of the many other
characters people portray to protect themselves? Only when we face our fears
openly and honestly can we learn to like ourselves and trust that others will
accept us as we really are.
About the Author

John Powell, S.J., is a professor at Loyola University in Chicago. He is a
popular lecturer, teacher, and best-selling author. His insights into personal
relationships have been presented on television and in his many popular books.
John Powell’s Best-sellers

Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Wbo I Am? over 3,135,000 in print
The Secret of Staying in Love over 1,500,000 in print
Why Am I Afraid to Love? over 1,500,000 in print
Fully Human, Fully Alive over 800,000 in print
He Touched Me over 760,000 in print
Unconditional Love over 710,0^ :—
Reason to Live! Reason to Di int
Abortion: The Silent Holocau int
Will the Real Me Please Stam h print
The Christian Vision over 10C
Through Seasons of the Hea nt
Happiness Is an Inside Job <
Through the Eyes of Faith o\
<<-
ThprfiasMoie 7323
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