When parental love becomes controlling

by Nguyễn Thiên Anh

Illustration by Trịnh Lập

Many children who are above 18 years old in Việt Nam are still under the control of
domineering parents, which leads them to feel uncomfortable in their parents’ home.

It is understandable that most parents love and worry about their adult children
regardless of their age, but sometimes this love turns into a form of control, causing
frustration for their children.

Many children who are above 18 years old in Việt Nam are still under the control of
domineering parents, which leads them to feel uncomfortable in their parents’ home.
“Helicopter” parents are parents who hover over their children’s lives and pay excessive
attention to their children, especially their education. This amount of tight control often
leads their children to feel frustrated at not being more in control of their own lives.

This form of parenting is common in Việt Nam, as many parents forbid their adult
children to do many things that they think will be bad for them.

Over the years, many young adults in Việt Nam have shared stories on local media and
social media of how their parents tightly control their curfew, so they are unable to
make their own schedules, even though they are old enough to do so.

One university student says that she has a 9pm curfew, so she cannot hang out with her
friends or partake in outdoor recreational activities in the evening. While she
understands that her parents are just worried for her, she still feels frustrated by the
early curfew.

As a 24-year-old adult, I have also been tightly controlled by my parents. There have
been many times when I have to ask my parents for permission to go out and hang out
with my friends, and they ask me many questions about where I am going, what I will be
doing there and who I will be with. And while I’m out, they continue to text or call me to
find out what is happening there. I am not even free to wear whatever I want.

My friends also have similar problems, mostly girls. One of them who is also 24 is even
more tightly controlled than I am: she is not allowed to talk to men, has a very early
curfew, and is not even allowed to ride in a Grab taxi by herself (in fact, quite a few of
my acquaintances also face this particular hindrance).

Lê Việt Anh, 26, tells Việt Nam News that while his parents do not control him as tightly
as my friends’ parents control them, he is not allowed to stay overnight at a friend’s
place, and his parents often pester him whenever he does something that they deem to
be “too dangerous”, such as riding a motorbike in heavy rain or travelling across
provinces on motorbike.

“I completely understand that my parents are just worried about me, and obviously
doing things like travelling by motorbike across provinces do carry a certain amount of
risk, but it is very annoying to be watched over like a kid, while other people my age can
do this stuff freely,” Anh says.
Anh’s opinion is shared by many people, including my friends and me. We all know that
our parents just want the best for us, but it does not make our strict and controlling
environment feel better to live in.

Nguyễn An Khánh, 30, tells Việt Nam News that this is a part of the culture of Asian
parenting, and thus is something that she just accepts. Her parents can also be very
controlling, and she feels envious of her friends when she sees that they have more
freedom. Nevertheless, she perceives this as her parents’ way of showing love.

This type of parenting is somewhat annoying at best, and downright disastrous at

worst, since many young adults now cannot do anything without their parents and they
have never developed the skills to take care of themselves. For example, a 30-year-old
woman has told local media that her parents have controlled her so much that it wears
down her confidence and she is not allowed to do anything, so she depends on her
parents and cannot take care of her children by herself.

This is not only a problem in Việt Nam, but is a problem around the world. For example,
one online post on a Hong Kong discussion forum talks about a 30-year-old man in Hong
Kong with a controlling mother, who always wants to know where he is and who he is
with. She even video calls him when he hangs out with friends and asks for their phone
numbers because she wants to check his location.

Young adults need to have their own lives and more freedom to try things, and their
parents should trust them to make good decisions.

While it is still important for parents to offer advice to children, I think parents also
need to be friends with their children as well by listening to them and trying to create a
comfortable home environment.

Parents do not need to manage their children’s lives so tightly. For example, wanting to
know when their children will come home is reasonable, but pressing them on every
small detail about their business outside is not.

Anh says that parents of adult children do not need to worry so much that they will
mess up or do things “incorrectly”; they should let their children do things by
themselves, learn from their mistakes, if any, and take responsibility for their actions (as
long as it’s nothing too dangerous) rather than trying to make them do everything the
“right” way.

After all, love should not be about controlling, it should be about caring and bringing
happiness into other people’s lives. — VNS

Summary

Many young adults in Vietnam, upon reaching the age of 18, often feel constrained by
the suffocating control imposed by their parents, leading to discomfort and anxiety. This
phenomenon is known as helicopter parenting, where parents exhibit excessive worry
and domination over their children's lives, especially in matters of education. This
parenting style leaves the younger generation feeling dissatisfied and lacking autonomy
in shaping their own lives.

The practice of overly controlling parenting is yielding negative consequences on the

development of adolescents, making them feel restricted and devoid of freedom in
decision-making. The belief that controlling their children excessively ensures safety and
happiness is entirely misguided. As they come of age, being subjected to such control
becomes quite irksome and infringes on their privacy, causing them to feel self-conscious
and potentially lose their problem-solving abilities.

Instead of imposing standards on their children and pushing them to fulfill parental
desires without considering their emotions, parents should strive to be trustworthy
allies, fostering an environment where their children can comfortably share their
feelings. Through this openness, children can voice their thoughts and seek advice before
taking action. Creating a space for children to experience and learn from mistakes, taking
responsibility for the consequences, is the best way to aid their maturity. It is through
stumbling that they learn to stand, to mature independently. Parents should stand firmly
behind, offering support, rather than becoming a stifling place from which their children
constantly seek escape.
Vocabulary
1. Parents: cha mẹ
2. Love: yêu
3. Worry: lo lắng
4. Children: những đứa trẻ
5. Control: sự kiểm soát, sự quản lý, sự đối chứng
6. Frustration: sự nản lòng
7. Understand: hiểu
8. Domineering: độc đoán, hống hách, hà hiếp
9. Feel: sờ, mó, thấy, cảm thấy
10. Home: nhà, quê nhà, quê
11. Helicopter: máy bay trực thăng
12. Pay: tiền công, tiền lương,
13. Attention: sự chú ý, sự chăm sóc
14. Especially: đặc biệt
15. Education: nền giáo dục, hệ thống giáo dục, sự giáo dục
16. Frustrated: thất vọng, không hài lòng
17. Lives: sống
18. Forbid: cấm, ngăn cản, không cho phép
19. Bad: xấu, tồi, dở, kém, ác, bất lương
20. Young adults: thanh niên
21. Media: phương tiện truyền thông đại chúng
22. Stories: những câu chuyện
23. Social media: truyền thông xã hội
24. Tightly: chặt chẽ, siết chặt
25. Curfew: lệnh giới nghiêm
26. University: trường đại học
27. Cannot: không thể
28. Friends: bạn
29. Partake: chia
30. Outdoor: ở ngoài trời
31. Recreational: giải lao
32. Questions: câu hỏi
33. Permission: sự cho phép
34. Text: chữ
35. Wear: mặc
36. Allowed: cho phép
37. Talk: nói chuyện
38. Hindrance: sự cản trở
39. Overnight: qua đêm
40. Dangerous: nguy hiểm
41. Motorbike: xe máy
42. Obviously: rõ ràng
43. Provinces: tỉnh
44. Stuff: chất, chất liệu
45. Freely: tự do, thẳng thắn
46. Environment: môi trường
47. Better; tốt hơn, đúng đắn hơn
48. Accepts: chấp nhận, thừa nhận
49. Envious: ghen tỵ, đố kỵ
50. Freedom: sự tự do, quyền tự do
51. Nevertheless: tuy nhiên, mặc dù vậy
52. Local Media: Phương tiện truyền thông địa phương
53. Location: vị trí
54. Comfortable: thoải mái
55. Outside: ngoài
56. Business: công việc, việc buôn bán kinh doanh
57. Incorrectly: không chính xác
58. Mistakes: Sai lầm
59. Actions: hành động
60. Responsibility: trách nhiệm