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FAMILY &
FRIENDS
Help Begins with
Understanding

STEP 1:
UNDERSTANDING
WHAT A
DESTRUCTIVE
RELATIONSHIP
LOOKS LIKE
Domestic violence (DV) (also called
intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic
abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern
of behaviors used by one partner to
maintain power and control over another
partner in an intimate relationship. These
behaviors can include physical harm, but
more often they do not. The Power and
Control Wheel is a helpful tool that has
been used by advocates for over 3
decades. It is based on interaction and
research with hundreds of victims of DV.
In the course of collecting data, several
common patterns emerged. At Called to
Peace Ministries, we find the Wheel is a
very helpful diagnostic tool, and we
haven’t seen a situation yet that wasn’t
characterized by these behaviors.

How We Help
Individuals affected by domestic abuse may
experience many challenges, including: severe
emotional distress and confusion, lack of
effective counseling, and basic necessities,
such as housing, employment, childcare and
transportation. Many choose to stay in
abusive situations simply because of these
limitations. CTPM provides counsel, advocacy
and practical support to survivors of abuse in
order to help them bridge the gap from crisis
to peace.

RESOURCES

CARING FOR VICTIMS OF

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Believe Her.

Take her seriously even if you find it hard to

believe. Statistics show that upwards of 95%
of accusations are true.

Connect them with resources.

One of the best ways to help a victim is to

help them get educated about the dynamics
of abuse and the resources available to them.
Local domestic violence programs can help
them with information on navigating through
protective orders, emergency custody, etc.
They may also offer support groups, and
information on housing and other practical
needs. Called to Peace Ministries has
advocates across the US, Canada and in the
UK who can help your loved one. In addition,
we offer support groups based on our
scripture-based curriculum found in the
Called to Peace book and Workbook. We
would be happy to help you establish a group
in your city. For more information on our
groups or starting your own, click here

Do not betray their confidence.

If they come to you in confidence, do not

immediately turn around and confront their
abusers. This can endanger them further!

Accompany them to court.

Going to court and facing an abuser can be

terrifying, especially when going alone.
Having someone to go along can provide an
extra measure of security.

Encourage them to find hope in God. Let

them know that God hates violence, but that
he cherishes them. There are many helpful
resources on our blog and on our YouTube
channel that can help.

Listen and don’t try to take charge.

If you react strongly to what your friend is

telling you, she/he might shut down and
refuse to share any more information with
you. Many victims in an intimate relationship
want to save their relationships, and if you
simply tell them to leave without trying to
honor that desire, they will not trust you with
more information. Tell them their chances of
saving the relationship will be better if they
separate temporarily, but always let them
make their own decisions, even when you do
not agree with them.

Provide practical support.

If you can offer lodging, transportation and

other basic necessities, this is enormously
helpful. Many victims return to dangerous
situations, because they lack the resources to
leave. Domestic violence shelters usually limit
their stays to 30-60 days, which isn’t enough
time for most people to get on their feet. In
addition, shelter living can be stressful, and
not the best environments for children.

Encourage safety.

Encourage them to make a safety plan

(advocates can help with this). The following
website offers helpful information
www.thehotline.org.

Encourage them to set healthy boundaries.

Let them know that God does not expect us
to submit to mistreatment. That only enables
the abuser’s sin. Leslie Vernick’s book, The
Emotionally Destructive Marriage, can be
helpful in helping your loved one understand
the importance of safely resisting sin.

REASONS VICTIMS MAY

RESIST YOUR ATTEMPTS TO
HELP

They may not consider their relationships

abusive.

The vast majority of victims we have seen at

CTPM did not consider their relationships
abusive until things became unbearable, or
someone else suggested it might be. Often,
domestic violence does not involve the use of
physical force, and victims who have not been
beaten do not consider the intimidation and
threats they live with abusive. This is why
education is so important! See the Power and
Control Wheel (add link). This tool, based on
observation and research, often helps them
see the patterns associated with domestic
violence.

They do not want to leave their

relationships.

While it’s always best to encourage victims to

get safe, many simply won’t leave. If they are
dedicated Believers, they may be confused
about the best way to honor God in their
marriages, and may think he requires them to
stay. They also hold out hope that their
partners will change. Unfortunately, this
doesn’t usually happen without some
consequences. Always respect their decision
to stay, and encourage them to seek godly
counsel from a faith-based counselor who
specializes in domestic violence. At CTPM, we
do believe that abusers can change, but not
without very specific intervention. Regular
counseling is not effective, and marital
counseling will usually do more harm than
good. Keep in mind that statistics are not
favorable for abusers changing, so make your
friend’s wellbeing and healing your top
priority.

They do not believe they can survive if they

do leave.

Many victims of DV face an astounding lack of

resources, because their abusers have
controlled them financially and isolated them
from their support systems. In addition, the
legal system, churches, and counselors often
lack the training to respond properly. This lack
of knowledge can inadvertently provide more
support for the abuser than the victim. Those
who focus on saving marriages before saving
lives can aggravate the problem and further
endanger victims. Encourage your loved one
to connect to counselors, pastors and
attorneys who have a good working
knowledge of domestic abuse.

Victims are often conditioned to cover up

and hide the abuse.

Remember they could very likely face their

abusers’ wrath for telling you. If you react
strongly, they may hesitate to give you any
more information. It takes time for thinking
patterns to change, so don’t pressure them in
any way! The pressure they receive from their
abusers will almost always have more
influence with them. It’s best to help
empower them to begin making their own
decisions.

They are afraid, and believe the abuse will

get worse if they leave.

Seventy-five percent of all domestic violence

homicides occur after the victim has separated
from the abuser. They may also fear having to
leave their children with their abusers. In
many cases, the children are threatened or
used as pawns. This is why safety planning is
so important. Never underestimate the
potential for worsening violence. Even when
there has been no physical violence,
situations can turn deadly after a separation.
If the abuser has used threats and
intimidation in the past, studies show that can
be a good indicator that physical harm could
be imminent. Many victims stay with their
abusers, because they know this instinctively.
Studies also show that DV is progressive in
nature and it becomes more severe over time.
So either way, your friend will be in danger.
However, if she gets the right help, leaving is
usually the best option.

They are experiencing trauma bounding.

They are feeling empathy towards their

abusers. This psychological condition occurs
when a victim of abuse identifies and
attaches, or bonds, positively with their
abuser. This was originally observed when
hostages who were kidnapped not only
bonded with their kidnappers, but also fell in
love with them.

How to Help (or Hurt)

a VIctim of Domestic
Abuse
from Called to Peace Ministries

51:31

Watching videos on ways to help.

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