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1988

It happened by "magic": A qualitative study of falling in love

Jacqueline L. Gibson
The University of Montana

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 IT H A P P E N ED BY " M A G I C " :

A QUALITATIVE STUDY OF F A L L I N G IN LOVE

By

Ja c q u e l i n e L. Gibson

B. A., U ni ve r s i t y of Montana, Miss ou la , 1975

Pr e s en t ed in pa r t ia l fu lf i l l m e n t of the r e q ui re me nt

for the degree of

Mas te r of Arts

Un iv e r s i t y of Montana

1988

Approved by

Chairman, B oa rd of Ex aminers
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Gibson, Ja cq ue l i n e L., M.A., June 1988 I n t e r p er so na l
Communication

It Ha p p e n e d by "Magic": A Qualitative Study of Falling

in Love

Director: Wi ll i a m W. Wilmot

This study e xa mi ne d the p e r c e p t i o n s of lovers about

their love experien ce, their feelings, an d the man ne r
in w h i c h they c o m m u n i c a t e love to the beloved. The
subje ct p op ul a t i o n c o n s i s t e d of seven f e m a l e s and seven
mal es who c o n s i d e r e d t h e m s e l v e s to be "in love." One
half of the su bjects we r e he te ro sex ual , the other half
homosexual. Data we r e c o l l e c t e d th ro ug h st ru c t u r e d
i n t e n s i v e interviews, and the re sp on se s q u a l i t a t i v e l y
a n a l y z e d using the c o n s t a n t c o m p a r a t i v e method.
Su bj ec ts c o n f i r m e d ma n y of the el em ent s and
d i m e n s i o n s of love i d e n t i f i e d by other w r i t e r s and
re se arc her s, and often d e s c r i b e d their e x p e r i e n c e by
la bel ing r el at i on al con st ruc ts, such as " c o mm it me nt " or
"r eci pr oc it y ." A l t h o u g h r e s p o n d e n t s often f ou nd it
d i f f ic u lt to put their f a l l i n g - i n - l o v e e x p e r i e n c e into
words, they used vivid, me ta ph or ic lan guage in their
attempts. They d e s c r i b e d d i s t i n c t i v e feelings,
p h y s i o l o g i c a l re sponses, and be h a v io rs c h a r a c t e r i s t i c
of their love r ela tio ns hip . Respondents admirably
a c c o u n t e d for their c o m m u n i c a t i o n b e h av io rs in the
r el at io nsh ip , and told of the eff or t e x p e n d e d in their
ef for ts to co mm u n i c a t e well w i t h the beloved.
Few d i s ti nc ti ve sex p r e f e r e n c e d i f f e r e n c e s arose,
ex ce pt for the p r o b l e m s h o m o s e x u a l s e n c o u n t e r e d with
lack of fam il ia l and social suppo rt for their
re la ti on sh ip . A few gender di f fe re nc es were noticed,
n ot ab ly that f em al es w e r e more t a l k a t i v e a n d more
f r e q u e n t l y than ma les used the wo r d "magic" to des cri be
th eir experience.
 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I want to thank, first of all, my thes is adviser , ment or

and friend, Bill Wilmot, for his c o n t i n u e d an d e n t h us ia st ic

fai th in me and in my a b i l i t y and p ot ent ia l. Without his

fine p r o b l e m - s o l v i n g a n d re f r a m i n g skills, I'd n ev er have

finished this task. I am a d d i t i o n a l l y in d e b t e d to him for

my ab i d i n g p r o f e s s i o n a l i n t e r e s t in r e l a t i o n a l de ve l o p m e n t

and for his e n c o u r a g e m e n t in this love study. He and I

share a strong belief in the va lue and w o nd e r of a " m a g i c a l ”

love experience.

Next, my g r a t i t ud e go e s to Joyce Hocker, who t a u g h t me so

much — pr of e s s i o n a l l y , about q u a l i t a t i v e m e t h o d o l o g y and

mediation techniques; pe r s o n a l ly , about m a s t e r i n g str engths

and w e a k n e s s e s for integration into the w h o l e p e r s o n I

str ugg le to become; an d sp ir itually, for n u r t u r i n g the

small, burning flame w h i c h il l u m i n e s my a w a r e n e s s of

Se lf /S ou l /G od d es s.

For Sandy Shull, f r i e n d a n d companion, for p r o d d i n g and

e n c o u r a g i n g over the last four years, for c o n t i n u a l l y

expressing her belief in my w o r t h and c r e a ti vi ty , a n d for

her v al u ab le aid in m a s t e r i n g the computer. B e ca u s e of her

p a t i e n c e and i n s t r u c t i o n a l skill, I can now sea rc h and

r ep la ce -- in time, I hope to ma st e r pag ination!

To my p a r e n t s Inky a n d Jack Gibson, who a l w a y s b e l i e v e d in

me — a l t h o u g h they may not have b e l i e v ed I'd ever fin is h

iii
thi s thesis! — g re at thanks, a n d a hope that t h e y ’ll get

pleasure in seeing th eir da ug ht er 's name in print.

G r a t e f u l t ear s a n d smi le s to my da u g h t e r s Heather, Maura,

and Sara Gonsior, who said "Go for it, Moml" wh e n I wanted

to ret urn to school, an d a special t h a n k s to Maura who

served as a de d u ct iv e judge during the final stages of this

work.

For in d u c t i v e jud ges Sheila J o ha ns en a n d Sue Green, my

h e a r t f e lt than ks for a p r e t t y thankless job. To Mary Ellen

Horton, fr ie n d a n d m e d i a t i o n pa rt ne r, a n d to C in dy Harris,

f r i e n d wi t h w h o m I sh ar e d many ag o n i z i n g hours of g r a d u a t e

school, my deep a p p r e c i a t i o n for serving as de d u c t i v e judges

in the last stages of this thesis. A special th a n k s goes to

Frank Clark, a most supportive c o m m i t t e e member, who saved

me 600 hours (and p r o b a b l y twe lv e years!) of work by ta lki ng

Bill out of 30 su bj e c t s for this study!

To the f ou r t e e n interviewed subject s and those oth er s who

sha re d their e x p e r i e n c e s in fo rm al ly , I am fo r e v e r in debt.

Th ei r faces and v o i c e s come back to me v i v i d l y as I rea d the

pages which follow.

For my t e a c h e r s a n d p r o f e s s o r s t h r o u g h the years, who

ta u g h t by e x a mp l e or de f a ul t a b o u t the value of learning, I

o f f e r th i s final thanks.

I'm still gl a d I w ro te a thesis!

iv
 T A B L E OP C O N T E N T S

A B S T R A C T ................... . . . . ................ ii

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS .......................................... iii

T A B L E OF C O N T E N T S .......................... V

I. R E VI EW OF THE L I T E R A T U R E ............................ 1

Di me n s i o n s and El em e n t s of Ro mantic Lo v e . . . . 5

My ths of Ro man tic Love ................. 14

N e c e s s a ry C o n d i t i o n s for F al li ng in Love . . . . 16

Fee lin gs A s s o c i a t e d wi t h R om an ti c Love ........... 21

B eh av io ra l Correlates of Ro mantic Love ........... 26

T y p o l o g i e s of L o v e .................................. 33

II. THE M E T H O D ............................................ 38

R a t i o n a l e for M e t h o d ............ . . . . . . . . 38

The R e s e a r c h Q u e s t i o n s ............... . . . . . 40

S ubj ec t s . . . . . 40

P r o c e d u r e s ............................................ 41

M a t e r i a l s ............................................ 44

The In te nsi ve In t e r v i e w ...................... 45

A n a l y s i s .............................................. 47

III. R E S U L TS . . . . . 52

The Final C a t e g o r i e s ................................ 53

What L o ve rs Mean When They Say They are In Love. 55

How On e D e s c r i b e s a "Mag ic al " Love E x p e r i e n c e . 63

The At tr ib u t e s of "Ma gical" Love . . . . . . . . 66

The D i m e n s i o n s a n d E l e m e n t s of "Mag ic al " Love . . 75

v
 Othe r F i n d i n g s . . . . .............. 32

IV. DISCUSSION ........................................... 86

F i n d i n g s ................................................. ...

Homosexual/HeterosexualDifferences ................ 88

Male/Female Differences ................ 91

I m p l i c a t i o n s ............... ......... ................... 91

Limitations .................................. 95

Conclusion 97

V. APPENDICES . . . . . 99

Ap pe n d i x A:1s Ori gi na l Scre eni ng Questionnaire . . 99

Ap p e n d i x A:2: R e v i s e d Scre en ing Questionnaire . . 102

A p p e n d i x B: S e l e ct i o n Cr iteria . . . . 105

Appendix C: C o n s e n t F o r m ............ 106

A p pe nd i x D; I n t e r v i e w Qu e s t i o n n a i r e . . . 107

A p pe nd i x E: Em e r g e n t C a t e g o r i e s . 110

A p pe nd i x F: Su bj e ct s . . . . . . . . 1 1 8

VI. B I B L I O G R A P H Y .............................................. 120

vi
 R E V I E W OF THE L I T E R A T U R E

Love happens. It is a mi rac le that

happens by grace. We have no co ntr ol
over it. It happens. It comes, it
lights our lives, and very often it
departs. We can never make it happen
nor make it stay.
de C a s t i l l e j o 1973, p 116

Love is a grave me n ta l disease.

Plato

. .the fact of the mat te r is that

love is a gr ea t m y st e r y that is not
understood.
Sa n f o r d 1980, p. 101

The state of falli ng in love is one of the most

remarkable in human e xp er ien ce, yet t h e r e seem to be as

many ki nds of love as there are re l a t io ns hi ps , as many

d e f i n i t i o n s of love as t he re are th in k e rs or wr it er s on

the subject. The r o m a n t ic idea of love w h i c h is

e x e m p l i f i e d by the "f alling in love" e x pe ri e n c e seems to

be bas ed in the Mid dle Ages, yet has c h a n g e d

si g n i f i c a n t l y since th a t time, even in the W e s t e r n world,

es p e c i a l l y in terms of our cul tu re 's basis of m a r r i a g e on

love. Additi on al ly, the p s y c h o l o g i c a l and sc ien tif ic

study of love is quite new, done al mo s t e n t i r e l y since

1971, a n d little is k no wn a b o u t the d e v e l o p m e n t of love

in our species (Cu nn in gh am and Antill 1981, pp. 27-28).

1
 In the literature, the falling in love e x p e r i e n c e is

cal le d v ar iou sl y " pa ss i o n a t e love," "romantic love," and

" l i m e r a n c e ." For the mo st part, we will use the term

"romantic love" in this study. Zick Rubin states simply

that rom an ti c love is the sort of love that exists

betwee n un married, o p p o si te sex par tners, as

distinguished from the love be tw ee n chi ld re n and parents,

close friends, and humans and God (Z. Rubin 1973, p.

212). Dr. Mi cha el R. L ie bow itz define s it as "an intens e

em ot io n a l state that one per so n ex pe r i e n c e s in relation

to another," an d that the b el ove d seems to be the cause

of this state (Liebowitz, 1984, p. 89).

Elaine Ha tf i el d has said that p a s s i o n a t e love is the

same as infatuation, an in te nse ly em ot ion al state

a s s o c i a t e d with tender and sexual feelings, elation and

pain, a nx ie ty and relief (H atfield in Fischer & Strieker

1982, p. 268). Other d e fi n i t i o n s include: "a state of

intense longing for union wit h another, a state of

p r o f o u n d p h y s i c a l a ro us al, " of w h i c h r e c i p r o c a t e d love

(union w i t h another) is a s s o c i a t e d wit h ful fi ll me nt and

ecstasy, and u n r e q u i t e d love (separation) w i t h emptiness,

an xie ty or despai r (Hatf ie ld & W a lst er 1978, p. 9); a

wi ld ly emot ion al state, a confusion of feelings:

t en de rn e ss and sexuality, e l at io n an d pain, an xie ty and

relief, a l t r u i s m and jealousy (Walster & W a ls te r 1978,

p. 2); "a state of intense a b s o r p t i o n in another"

2
(Berscheid & Walster 1978, p. 151); "a distinct form of

interpersonal attraction that occurs between opposite-sex

partners under specifiable social conditions" (Driscoll,

Davis & Lipetz 197 1, p. 1); "a strong emotional

attachment, a cathexis, between adolescents or adults of

opposite sexes, with at least the components of sexual

desire and tenderness (Goode 1959, p. 41); and a state of

mad, passionate, all-consuming love (Schrank 1973, p.

68)•

Kinget identifies three components of romantic love:

(1) biological: an erotic attraction; (2) sociological:

varying widely in time and space; and (3)

phenomenological: an intense state of erotic-

representational involvement, which thrives on

imagination, longing, obstacles to gratification, and

which declines upon regular, assured genital

gratification; "therefore, full-fledged romantic love is

unavoidably transient" (Kinget 1979, p. 251).

In coining a special word for this state, "limerance,"

Tennov concluded from looking at the views of Freud,

Ellis, R e i k , Fromm and May, that

The general view seemed to be that

romantic love is mysterious, mystical,
even sacred, and not capable,
apparently, of being subjected to the
cool gaze of scientific inquiry
(Tennov 1979, p. 5).

Tennov thoroughly describes limerance as the magic or

3
madness of love, the aching obsession with love, the

condition of cognitive obsession with spending time

desiring a love, of being in love with love (Tennov 1979,

p. 33).

McWhirter and Mattison (1984) redefined "limerance" as

a functional state, to describe the "head-over-heels" in ­

love condition.

Limerance is a respectable stepping

stone on the path of relationship
building. It is not just an
infatuation, mere puppy love, or
humorously going through a phase.
These persons are not to be dismissed
as simply love-sick. They are
developing deep feelings that will
influence the quality and tone of the
relationship for as long as it lasts -
- and that may be a lifetime
(McWhirter and Mattison, 1984, p. 27)

In the literature, definitions are not entirely clear,

there is no essential agreement, except for the fact that

most of us recognize love when we "fall into" it. It seems

to be only the lover who can determine if the state is

really love, whether it is reciprocated or not.

Sometimes 'lovers' are those who long

for their partners and for complete
fulfillment. Sometimes 'lovers' are
those who are ecstatic at finally
having attained their partner's love
and, momentarily, complete fulfillment
(Berscheid & Walster 1978, p. 151).

The belief that love can be a serious topic of

scientific inquiry is fairly new, but strongly supported

by a small group of persons active in research. Dion and

4
Dion say:

Since rom an ti c love is oft en as s u m e d

to be the deepes t and most intense
form of a t t r a c t i o n linking part ne rs,
it is p e r h a p s not u n r e a s o n a b l e to
expect that a me a s u re of romant ic
love, such as Rubin's love scale, is a
stronge r p r e d i c t o r of re le v a nt
beh a vi ou r t o w a r d one's p a r t n e r than a
p r e su m a b l y m i l d e r form of affect, such
as liking, or mer el y the extent of
fa mi li a ri ty be tw e e n persons. . . if
the 'power' of love in i n f l u e n c i n g
actual be ha vi o ur toward one's p a r t n e r
(other than simply self-reports) is
not g re at er than liking, this p e r h a p s
should give us p au se and suggest the
need for s er iou sl y r e c o n s i d e r i n g our
extant m e a s u r e s of romantic love (Dion
& Dion 1979, p. 220).

This review of the lit er at ur e of rom an ti c love will

focus on the d im en si on s and el em e n ts of rom antic love,

the myths sur ro un di ng ro mantic love in this culture, the

proposition that c er ta in c on dit io ns are n e c e s s a r y for an

ind iv id ua l' s fallin g in love, the fe el i n g s associated

with falling in love, the b eh av io ra l correlates of

rom antic love, and va ri ou s recent t y p o l o g i e s of love.

D IM EN SI O NS AND ELE MEN TS OF RO MANTIC LOVE

Romantic love is a very dif fe re nt experience from any

other kind of love — parental, filial, humanistic,

ph il an th ro p ic , religio us , or even of the c o m p a n i o n a t e

sort that dev elo ps over time in a lo n g - t e r m love

rel ationship. It is not unusual, then, that we try to

ide nti fy romantic love 's c h a r a c t e r i s t i c s and components.

It seems that every re se a r c h e r has come up with her or

5
his own br ea kdo wn of what constitutes ro ma nti c love. The

a tt emp t here is to su mm ari ze and bring some order to that

vast c o l l ec ti o n of in di v i d u a l th ou gh ts about the

composition of rom ant ic love as a construct.

Kell ey (1979) has laid out his p e r c e i v e d d i m e n s i o n s of

i n te rp er so na l relations, w h i c h wo ul d apply in more

sp ecific terms to ro ma nti c re la tio ns hi ps : (1) a pow er

dimension, whethe r the power in the r e l a t i o n s h i p is

equal, unequal, or mut ua l in nature; (2) an ac ti v i ty or

i n t e ns i ty dimension, the relationship c h a r a c t e r i z e d as

in te ns i ve or superficial, ac t iv e or inactive; (3) a

caring or c o m p a t i b i l i t y dimension, the relationship seen

as c o o p e r a t i v e / f r i e n d l y or c o m p e t i t i v e / h o st il e,

compatible or i nco mpa ti ble , h ar mon io us or clashing; and

last, (4) the emotional, pleasurable dimension. Each

di me ns io n can be seen as a continuum, with each

r e l a t i o n s h i p p l o t t e d on the c o n t i n u u m from one e x tr em e to

another. It seems that most romantic relationships might

be d e s c r i b e d as mutu al in power, in tensive and active,

caring and harmonious, and p l e a s u r a b l e and em otional

(Kelley 1979, pp. 35-36).

L ev in ge r (1977) d ef in es a cl os e r e l a t i o n s h i p (of which

rom an ti c love re l a t i o n s h i p s fo r m one subset) as "freq uen t

interaction between sp at ia lly near p a r t n e r s who share

s i g ni fi ca nt common goals, ex ch an ge p e rs on al dis cl os ur es

and care deeply about one an ot he r" (Levinger 1977a, p.

6
138). He c h a r a c t e r i z e s the dimensions of such

r e l a t i o n s h i p s as threefold; (1) in vo lvement, (2)

commit me nt , and (3) symmetry (Levinger 1977b, p. 8).

L e v i n g e r 1s "i nv ol vem ent " di m e n si on a p p e a r s similar to

K e ll ey ' s " ac ti v i t y / i n t e n s i t y " dimension; his "symmetry"

di me nsi on sp ec if i es the type of power r e q u i r e d for such a

relatio ns hi p. Levinger's "c om mitment" d i m en si on seems an

o u t g r o w t h of Ke ll e y ' s "caring" and "p le as ur ab le "

dimensions. Owen (1984a) has also discovered through

lovers' use of m e t a p h o r the i m po rt an ce of the

"involv em ent " and "commitment" dimensions.

Al be r o ni (1983) spec ifi es the st ructural

characteristics (dimensions) of a love relationship in

so mewhat di f f e re nt terms. Al be ron i d e fi ne s at least five

such dimensions; (1) the t i m e l e s s n e s s of the present

mom e n t (pp. 14, 33-34); (2) sym me tri ca l power, abs ol ut e

eq ua l i t y (pp. 55-57); (3) a state of commun is m, that is,

each giving a c c o r d i n g to a b il it y and re c e i v i n g ac c o r di ng

to need (pp. 54-55); (4) the requirements of a u t h e n t i c i t y

and t r u t h (pp. 55-57); and (5) the c o n d i t i o n of the

expansion of the real, an i n t e n s i f i c a t i o n of sexuality,

phy si c a l i ty , intellect, understanding and sincerity (pp.

11-12, 59-60); and finally, (6) h a pp in ess (pp 59-60).

Driscoll, Davis & Lipetz list eight d i m e n s i o n s of

ro mantic love, w hi ch I wou ld recast in the following

manner; (1) a cl ust er of needs for a f f i l i a t i o n and

7
de pe n d e n c y (called "a tta ch men t" by others); (2) a clust er

of feeling s of a b s o r p t i o n and ex cl us i v e n e s s; (3) a

cl us t e r of emo tio ns and co g n i t i v e p r o c e s s e s invol vin g

p hy s i c a l attracti on, passion and i d e a l i z a t i o n of the

beloved; and (4) a p r e d i s p o s i t i o n to help the b e lo ve d

(Driscoll, Davis & Lipetz 1972, p. 2).

More recently, Ro be r t S t er nbe rg' s (1984) love studies

a f f i r m and add to the love di me n s i o n s work. Quoted by

Daniel G ol ema n of the New York Times Sternberg addresses

the power dimension: "The single most im p o r t a n t variable

in how s at isf ie d p a r t n e r s are with the m a t c h is w h et he r

they love each other in roughl y equal degrees, not the

a bs ol ut e amo unt of love they feel" (Goleman, 1984).

It appears, then, that the t h e or is ts have p o s t u l a t e d

some no tio ns about the st ru ctu re of rom an ti c love, having

in comm on the d i m en si o ns of (1) power, (2)

in v o l v e m e n t / c o m m i t m e n t , (3) att ac hm en t, (4)

intensity/intensification, and (5) ha pp in e s s / c a r i n g .

Fu rth er studies on th ese dim en si on s and their value in

un d e r s t a n d i n g the na t u r e of love relationships should

pr ove valuable.

A lb er o n i' s de sc r i p t i o n of the state of f a l l i n g in love

is that it is a radical, r e vo lu t i o n a r y new state of

being. The lovers t h e m s e l v e s are changed, not the

ou ts id e world. The lovers think, feel, and judge in a

r a d ic al ly diff ere nt way (Alberoni 1983, pp. 59-60).

8
 In every case, falling in love is
always a meeting of two isolated
individuals, each of whom carries in
and with himself a system of
relationships, wanting to retain some
and restructure others. . . they seek
absolute meeting of their individual
natures, but at the same time an
integration of the immediate
circumstances in which they are
involved. Not one or the other, but
both of these things (Alberoni 1983,
p . 48) .

The love study conducted by Marston, Hecht and Robers

looked at the irrationality of the falling in love

experience and called it "one with an almost magic

emancipatory capacity to transcend the very limitations of

human existence" (Marston, Hecht, and Robers, 1986, p. 1).

Goodison, outlining the common "steps" in falling in love,

describes Step 2 as that in which love changes the lover's

reality. There is a general sensation of disorientation,

and the “ shifting world is permeated by terrible wanting"

In Step 4, the experience of a new reality, connectedness,

makes the world come alive, and "something in it tells us it

could be a revolutionary force" (Goodison, 1983, pp. 49,

5 1).

Nearly all writers about love list a few to dozens of

basic elements or components of romantic love, some of which

they identify as distinguishing characteristics of romantic

love, or the state of falling in love. These distinguishing

. characteristics are said to be:

9
(1) Lovers seem to 'recognize' each other.

. . when two people who are really

prepared for love meet each other, it
is very likely that they will in fact
fall in love, that they will
'recognize' each other. . . the
nascent state instantly creates
recognition or understanding on a
profound, intuitive level (Alberoni
1983, p. 62).

This recognition leads to the formation of the collective

"we." One writer has said that true love is illuminated by

a spark of recognition, a "magic click," an "Ahal" (Kellogg,

1988, p. 242).

(2) Lovers desire inseparability.

This quality, the desire for

i n s e p a r a b i l i y , colors the emotional,
social and sexual behavior of the
partners in love, and gives them their
specifically 'romantic' hue (Orlinsky
1979, p. 2 10).

This "merging" or "blending" phenomenon occurs when two

forces join together to create a new one and is

characteristic of the early stages of a love relationship

(McWhirter & Mattison, 1984, p. 23).

(3) Lovers are distinguished by a concept called

"attachment," a construct well recognized and documented

in relationship literature (Z. Rubin 1973, p. 213; Pam,

Plutchik & Conte 1975, p. 83). Attachment has been

called "the most salient aspect" of love relationships

(Pam, Plutchik and Conte 1975, p. 88), and Liebowitz says

that "romantic love requires attraction plus attachment"

10
(Liebowitz, 1984, p. 95).

Fu r t h e r complicating the di m e n si on of a t t a c h m e n t is

a no t h e r eleme nt often i d e n t i f i e d as that of dependency,

or int erd e pe n d en ce , or a c o n f l i c t i n g urge of independence

and me rg in g with the be l o v e d (Berscheid & W a lst er 1978,

p. 164; Driscoll, Davis & Lipetz 1972, p. 2; Goodison,

1983, pp. 62-63? Hat fie ld 1982, p. 271; Kel le y 1979, pp

3-5; Kel ley 1983,p. 277? Pam, Plu tc hi k & Conte 1975, p.

83? Z. Rubin 1973, p. 2-13).

In ad d i t i o n to the a b o v e - m e n t i o n e d d i s t i n g u i s h i n g

characteristics, other "e lements" of romanti c love have

been r ep ea t ed ly identified, some of whi ch will be listed

be low in c l u s t er s of re l a t e d elements.

Of t e n m e n t i o n e d by w r i t e r s on ro ma nt ic love is the

el em e n t of u nc e r t a i n t y c o m b i n e d w i t h frust ra ti on , often

accompanied by a ch a l l e n g e to o v e r c o me o b s ta cl es

(Berscheid & W al st er 1978, pp. 170-175; Driscoll, Davis &

Lipetz (1972, p. 3? L a ss we ll & Lo bse nz 1980, pp. 53-55).

Truly c ha ra c t e r i s t i c of the e x p e r i e n c e of falling in

love seems to be a state of int ern al conflict:

c o n fl i c t in g desire s for security an d ex ci tement, p a ss io n

c o m p o s e d of p l e a s u re and pain, the hope of f u lf i l l m e n t

wi t h the threat of loss (Berscheid & W a ls te r 1978, pp.

155, 165-172; Goodison, 1983, p. 51; Hatfield 1982, p.

2 7 2).

The w o r l d of those in love is fil le d wi t h fa n t a s i e s --

11
fa nt as i es of fu lfi llment, perfect io n, of id ea l i z a t i o n of

the beloved. This is f re qu en tl y listed as a basic

elemen t of the wo rld of romantic love ( Be rs ch ei d &

W al ste r 1978, p. 153? Driscoll, Davis & Lipetz 1972, p.

2? G r e e n f i e l d 1965, pp. 363-364; La ss w e l l & Lobse nz 1980,

pp 53-55; W a ls ter & W a l st er 1978, pp. 276-277). Go odison

is nearly the only di ss en te r in saying that romantic

fa nt as i es are common, but not central to the love

experi e n c e .

They may be the p r e f o r m e d mou ld s w hi ch

society offers us to pour o u r s e l v e s
into, but they are not its source. . .
the central drive of falling in love
seems to be mor e of a b l o o d - a n d - g u t s
affair. . . [Love's roots] lie deeper
in the earth. The power it feeds on
is not e s s e n t i a l l y romantic, but one
that tears at the innards (Goodison,
1983, pp. 51-52).

The sexual asp ect of being in love c a n n o t be denied, and

passion, arousal, sexuality, and p h y s i c a l a t tr a c t i o n are all

listed in v a r io us d i s c u s s i o n s of the el em e n t s of romantic

love (Brain 1976, p. 222; Driscoll, Davis &Lipetz 1972, p.

2;Ha tf i e l d 1982, p. 271; Hattis 1965, p. 28; Kelley 1983,

pp. 276-277; Pam, Pl u t c h i k & Conte 1975, p. 893? Sternberg,

1984; W a ls te r & Wa l s t e r 1978, p. 16).

The desire for intimacy, liking as well as loving,

affection, caring and tendern es s, are all fe el in gs listed as

e s s en ti al el em en ts of rom antic love (Douvan 1977, p. 17;

Hattis 1965, p. 28; Kelley 1983, p. 277; W a ls t e r & Walster

12
1978, p. 16; Ha tf ie ld 1982, p. 271). We know from our

mo th er s and g ra n d m o t h e r s that pe op l e in love go "walking in

the clouds," "looking at the w o r l d t h ro u g h r o s e - c o l o r e d

gla ss es ," and ge n e ra l ly living in a h e i g h t e n e d w or ld of

euphoria, an eleme nt list ed by G r e e n f i e l d (1975, p. 367).

One of the c ar ry o v e r s of c o ur tl y love from the Midd le Ages

is the not io n that rom ant ic love is c h a r a c t e r i z e d by

suffering t h r o u g h a desire for intimacy, for striving and

yea r n i n g for the be lo ve d (Z. Rubin 1973, pp 185-186; W a ls te r

& Wa l s t e r 1978, p. 15; La sswell & L o bse nz 1980, pp 53-55).

This suff er in g is e s p ec i a ll y c h a r a c t e r i s t i c of those lovers

called "limerant" (Tennov 1979, pp 23-24). In all the

romantic stories we've heard — Romeo and Juliet, Tristan

and Isolde — we r ec ogn iz e an eleme nt c o m p o s ed of in dul gen ce

in impul se and a n o n c o n c e r n for social bounds or n o r ma ti ve

behaviors. Love, instead, surpa sse s all our social

constraints (Douvan 1977, p. 17; Greenfield 1965, pp. 363-

364; Wa ls te r & Walste r 1978, p. 16).

Although "Ele me nt s of Ro ma nti c Love" is a large, loose

category, it helps to i n tr od uce the kinds of ways w r ite rs

and r e s e a r c h e r s have a t t e m p t e d to ex ami ne love

rela ti on sh ip s.

F a ll in g in love, like every n a s c e n t

state, is an e x p l o r a t i o n of the
p o s s i b l e starting from the impossible;
it is an a tte mp t to impose the
imag in ar y on existence. The g r e a t e r
the task, the longer the journey and
the less likely the arrival. The

13
 history of fa lli ng in love, then,
a m o un t s to the history of that journey
an d its hardships, the st ruggles
endured, wi th o u t an arriva l or a happy
landing (Alberoni 1983, p. 98).

One way to dis co ve r the larger journey of w h a t - p e o p l e -

e x p e r i e n c e - w h e n - 1 h e y - f a 1 1 -i n- lo ve is to ex a m i n e the

comm on belie fs and m yt hs about love and how they shape

our experiences.

MYTHS OF ROM ANT IC LOVE

Fa ll in g in love is the c o n d i t i o n we a s s o c i a t e wi t h what

the wr i te rs and r e s ea r c h e r s call Romantic Love. Grown

out of the me di e va l t r a d i t i o n of c ou rt ly love, romantic

love still carries wit h it a bundle of my ths and

ex pe ct ati on s, particularly the following: love is fated,

u nc o nt r o l l ab le , o c c u r r i n g at first sight, transcending

all social bounds, and ma ni f e s t i n g itself in turbulence,

agony, and ecstasy. Love is the el eme nt that makes us

whole, sati sfi es us completely; it lasts forever, and is

characterized by never having to talk about the

re lat ion sh ip.

Our phra se "falling in love" ex pr es se s the belief that

love happens to us, we can no t control it, we "fall into"

it, and it is a "natural oc cu rrence, like a baby's first

cry" (Schrank 1973, p. 66). We believe that if we have

strong fe eli ngs of att rac ti on , we are e x p e r i e n c in g love

(Powell 1974, pp. 46-47). That strong feeling, or group

of feelings, is d ef in ed by us as "that old fe eling" of

14
the song, that tells us this is the one, true love (Peck

1978, pp. 91-92).

Somehow, ro man ti c love has come to be a s s o c i a t e d wit h a

fa tal ist ic outlook, and we believ e there is only one true

love for each of us to find (Peck 1978, pp. 91-92). Like

Romeo and Juliet, our love will o v e r c o m e all social and

ec onomic ba rr i er s (Z. Rubin 1973, pp. 185, 206), and

co nqu er all obstacles (T. Rubin 1983, pp. 142-144). This

belief leads to the ex pe c t a t i o n that true love is the

great panacea and will somehow t r a n s f o r m one into a

per so n a d e qu at e to all trials. If that w e r e n ’t enough,

we then believ e that true love will last forever, that we

can ma i n t a i n this ha p p i n e s s forev er (T. Rubin 1983, pp.

154-155; Peck 1978, pp. 91-92). We expect, like

Ci nde rel la and her Prince, that all our dreams will come

true.

In that land of H a p p y - E v e r -A f t e r , we believ e that

so meh ow we can p e r f e c t l y satisfy each ot h e r ' s needs (Peck

1978, pp. 91-92), and there will be no anger or arg um en t

(Carson 1978, p. 28). There will be no need to talk

about the r ela ti ons hi p; in fact, there may be a taboo

ag ain st ta lki ng about it (Baxter & W i l m o t 1984), for we

believe we must a l wa ys know what the other pe rs o n means,

alw ay s be able to read the mind of our be lo ve d (Satir

1972, p. 53).

E x c lu si vi ty is a strong c h a r a c t e r i s t i c of romantic love

15
and the my th a s s o c i a t e d wi t h it is that we must

p re fe r to be tog et he r (T. Rubin 1983, pp. 139-142), and

thus t e m p t a ti on s are im po ss ib le if this is really the

right person, the true love. From there, it is only a

step to p o s s e s s i v e n e s s and jealousy, often su pposed signs

of the real thing. The final myth, which su bsumes all

the others, is that if any or all of these e x p e c ta ti on s

do not occur, we have made a mistake, this was not the

right person, this is not true love (Peck 1978, pp. 91-

92). It become s an ei th er /o r pro pos it io n: if it is real

love, it works; if it doesn' t work, it mu st not have been

real love, but only "puppy love" or i n fat ua tio n, or just

a ho rrible mistake.

To wh at e v er extent we hold onto these myths, we seem to

subscribe to some or all of them as a f a i r y t a l e packa ge

of Ro ma nt ic Love, which su pp o r t s our belief in the

"magic" of love in our lives.

N E C ES SA RY C O N D I T I O N S FOR F A L L I N G IN LOVE

Some write rs ab out love believe that there are

nec e s s a r y conditions for the state of falli ng in love.

To this researcher, there app ea r to be seven conditions,

even stages, w h i ch lead to the act of f al li ng in love.

First, a state of readiness, usuall y sociall y

conditioned; second, a co n d i t i o n of unmet needs; third,

specific c o n di t io ns of the level of one's self-esteem:

fourth, a t t r a c t i o n to a n o t h e r person, the one to be

16
loved; fifth, p e r c e p t i o n s of the other p e r s o n as capabl e

of me et in g one's needs; sixth, a physiological res pon se

s t i m u l a t e d by the person; and seventh, the a t t a c h m e n t of

the label "falling in love" to that res pon se and its

ensuin g feelings.

The initial state of r e a d i ne ss c o ns is ts of a

so c i a l i z a t i o n p r o c e s s w h i c h p r o m o t e s love as a basis for

marriage (Goode 1959, p. 39), wh ic h c h il dr en are tau gh t

through fairy tales, stories and teasing about

" b oy fr ie nd s" and " gi rl fr ie nd s" at early ages. These

even ts are p r e p a r a t i o n and r e h ea rs al for falli ng in love,

for e x p ec tin g to fall in love, and for lettin g love

happen (Alberoni 1983, p. 61; Goode 1959, p. 39), which

are su p p or te d and r e i n f o r c e d in our c u ltu re by media and

advertising w hi ch use sex and love to sell th in g s to us.

Our c u lt ur e tends to as su m e that love is of ten an

"i d e a l i z e d passion" a r is in g out of a f r u s t r a t e d sexua lit y

(Goode 1959, p. 39), a state of em ot ion al stirring, of

wa n t i n g to be in love, w h i c h can then erupt when a

suitable love obj ect a pp e a r s (Tennov 1979, pp. 106-107).

The re ad in e ss is c o m p l i c a t e d and r e i n f o r c e d by the

m o t i v a t i o n to break free from the strong p a r e n t / c h i l d

bond fo rm e d in this cu ltu re (Goode 1959, p. 39).

F o l l o wi ng a s oc ia li z ed state of re ad in es s is the

existence of a c o n d i t i o n of needs to be met, which

ap p e a r s to "set one up" for falli ng in love. One's

17
immediate life circumstances, where "a certain level of

need or tension has accumulated" (Goodison 1983, p. 55),

seems to precipitate the lover to this next stage. The

needs are many and varied: a need for someone to love, to

give love to (Tennov 1979, pp. 106-107); the need to

express passion, to express one's sexuality (Walster in

Z. Rubin 1974, p. 160); the need for escape from

loneliness, for someone to spend time with, to share

one's life with (Davis 1973, pp. 32-33); the need to

break free from frustration, to overcome obstacles, or to

take up challenges (Z. Rubin 1973, pp. 228-229; Walster

in Z. Rubin 1974, pp. 158-159); the need to break free

from a strong parental bond, often expressed through

parental opposition to the loved one or the relationship

(the "Romeo and Juliet effect") (Goode 1959, p. 39; Z.

Rubin 1973, pp. 228-229; Driscoll, Davis & Lipetz 1972,

p. 2); the need for external stimulation (Davis 1973, pp.

32-33); and finally, the need to find something of value

in everyday life, to overcome one's sense of

worthlessness and shame (Alberoni 1983, p. 69).

The condition of the self is important in this stage

before one falls in love, as well. According to the

literature, one of two conditions of self-esteem may

apply. On the one hand, one may have a very low self­

esteem, requiring a special need for affection, a feeling

of heading into nothingness, even a profound, radical

18
disappointment in o ne 's self or in what one has loved

(Alberoni 1983, p. 69). Dion and Dion (1975, pp. 52-53;

1979. p. 215) found that low se l f- es te em pe rs o n s were

more strongly a t t r a c t e d to the beloved, experienced a

C

more in t ens iv e ro man ti c love, were more re sp on s i v e to

af fe ct io n, and more liking and trusting in love

relations hi ps.

On the other hand, one may have a high self-esteem,

re s ul ti ng p er h a p s fr o m a recent victory or a c c o m p l i s h m e n t

(Z. Rubin 1973, pp. 228-229). High s e l f - e s t e e m might

also come from one's ris in g to ove rc om e o b s t a c l e s or meet

challenges. Many p r o p o n e n t s of this view are

p s y c h o a n a l y s t s who have o b s e r v e d that p e o p l e who feel

unloveable find it di f f i c u l t to fall in love, and the

wr it e r s then seem to draw the c o nc l u s i o n that one's self­

est e e m must be high in order to fully love. These

observations are c o m p l i c a t e d by the a p pa re nt ab il it y of

some low s e l f - e s t e e m pe rs o n s to label fe el i n gs arisin g

from r e j ec tio n as "love" in st ea d of "hate." In fact, fear

of re j e c ti on may a c tu a ll y enhanc e desire for the belov ed

in some p e r so n s (Tennov 1979, p. 54). Other researchers

have ob s e r v e d that p e o p l e who have ex te r n a l locus of

control, b el ie vin g that their lives are not of their own

mak in g but rat her s om et hin g w h i c h happe ns to them, are

more likely to fall in love and to see love as so mething

m y s t e r i o u s and v o l a t i l e (C un ningham & Antill 1982, p. 38;

19
i m m e di a t e life cir cum st a nc es , wh ere "a ce rt ai n level of

need or t e ns io n has a c c u m u l a t e d " (Goodison 1983, p. 55),

seems to p r e c i p i t a t e the lover to this next stage. The

needs are many and varied: a need for someone to love, to

give love to (Tennov 1979, pp. 106-107); the need to

ex pre ss pa ssion, to expre ss one's se x u a li ty (Walster in

Z. Rubin 1974, p. 160); the need for es c a p e from

lon eliness, for someone to spend time with, to share

one's life wit h (Davis 1973, pp. 32-33); the need to

break free from f r u s t r a t i o n , ' t o o v e r c o m e obstac les , or to

take up c h a l l e n g e s (Z. Rubin 1973, pp. 228-229; Walst er

in Z. Rubin 1974, pp. 158-159); the need to break free

from a strong pa r e n t a l bond, of te n e x p r e s s e d th ro ug h

p ar en ta l o p p o s i t i o n to the loved one or the r e l a t i o n s h i p

(the "Romeo an d Juliet effect") (Goode 1959, p. 39; Z.

Rubin 1973, pp. 228-229; Driscoll, Davis & Lipetz 1972,

p. 2); the need for ext ern al s t i mu la ti on (Davis 1973, pp.

32-33); and finally, the need to find so mething of value

in eve r y da y life, to ove rc o me one's sense of

worthlessness an d shame (Alberoni 1983, p. 69).

The c o n d i t i o n of the self is i m p o r t a n t in this stage

before one falls in love, as well. A c co rd ing to the

literature, one of two c o n d i t i o n s of s e l f - e s t e e m may

apply. On the one hand, one may have a very low s e l f ­

esteem, r e q u i r i ng a special need for affect io n, a feeling

of heading into no thi ngn es s, even a p r of ou nd, radical

20
face, po un di ng heart, tr em bl in g hands, accelerated

b re ath ing (Walster & Wa lst er 1978, pp. 8-9), symptoms

w h i c h may also be c h a r a c t e r i s t i c of joy, anger,

happiness, torment, envy, hate, fear, jealousy,

rejection, or total co nfusion, as well as "fa lli ng in

love." What is i mp or tan t is that the p e r s o n "falling"

defines the e xp er ie nc e as "love" (Walster & Walster 1978,

p. 8). This is the final stage, at t a c h i n g the label

"love" to the p h y s i o l o g i c a l response. One p e r s o n might

recoil in fear, wh ile an o t h e r labels the r e s p o n s e as

"love" or "fallen in love," and so one i_s in love

(Walster, in Z. Rubin 1974, pp. 157-162). One author

sug gests that "falling" in love often disguises the fact

that one choose s to "leap" into love (Goodison, 1983, pp.

63-64).

The process, then, is the c o n d i t i o n e d state of

readiness, the set of unmet needs, the high or low level

of self-esteem, the a t t r a c t i o n to an oth er or the

perception that a n o t h e r can and will meet one's needs.

Suddenly, one res pon ds ph ys io lo g i c a l l y , an d that re sponse

is labele d "love."

W ha te v e r the causal cond it ion s, all a f fe ct "the ease

wi t h w h ic h the needing, caring, tr usting and t o le ra nce

that c o ns ti t ut e love can be m a i n t a i n e d in the close

r el a t io ns hi p" (Kelley 1983, p. 280).

FEE LI N GS AS SO C I A T E D WI T H R O M A N T I C LOVE

21
 The e xp er i e n c e of falli ng in love is c h a r a c t e r i z e d by

po w e r f u l fe el i ng s of rom ant ic love. We feel o v e r t a k e n by

I

fee li ng s of sexual a t t ra ct io n, ecstasy, the urge to

become one with the beloved, of being caught or captured,

fi ll ed wi th joy and o v e r f l o w i n g to share those fe el in gs

wi t h others; we ex pe ri en ce heightened sensations, a sense

of om n ip ote nc e, a de lig ht in the present, the desire to

surre nd er or ab a n do n onese lf to the other, extreme

happiness, fulf ill me nt, liberation, and frequently, the

te nsi on of being torn or caug ht betwee n the ext re me s of

ecstas y and torment. Some or all of these fee li ng s are

pa r t of an i n d i v i d u a l ' s experience of falling in love.

We recognize, of course, the heightened se ns at io n of

erotic, sexual attraction (Walster & W a ls te r 1978, pp.

54-55), yet some w ri t e r s belie ve that the in te nse ly

erotic phenomenon of falli ng in love has a more

transcendent quali ty than mere sexual a t t r a c t i o n and

desire. Tennov states that, although sex is never

e x c l u d e d from the love experien ce, it is neithe r

es se n ti a l nor a d e q u a t e (Tennov 1979, pp. 20-22). Ki n g e t

as se r ts that lovers' e x p r e s s i o n s of sexuality are

predominantly symbolic; longing is more c h ar ac t e r i s t i c of

the lover than fulf ill men t, and s e n ti me nt more typic al

t han se n sa ti o n (Kinget 1979, p. 252). The delight of a

t r a n s c e n d e n t union may, of course, be a c h i e v e d t h r o u g h

sexual play and inte rco ur se , but also may symbolize

re c i pr oc at io n, love's h i ghe st a c h i e v e m e n t (Tennov 1979,

p p . 2 0-22)

The e cst as y of "We are one!" may come ab ou t wi t h sexual

fulfillment, but is also a part of what Peck calls the

"sudden c o l l a ps e of a section of an i n d i vi du al 's ego

boundaries, permitting one to merge his or her identity

w i t h that of an oth er pe rso n" (Peck 1978, p. 87? Alberoni

1983, p. 89). This c o l l ap se of ego b o u n d a r i e s acc oun ts

for the "urge to merge" w hi ch is so c h a r a c t e r i s t i c of

early ro mantic love. The l o n e li ne ss w h i c h often pr ec ede s

falling in love is sud de nl y gone, and one a b an do ns

oneself to the b e l ov e d wi t h tenderness, ki n d n e s s and

res p o n s i bi li t y, as the be lov ed ap pea rs the only p e rs on

capabl e of giving plea su re , joy, and life (Peck 1978,

p . 87; Al beroni 1983, p. 36; W a lst er & Walster 1978, pp.

54-55 ) .

Ecstas y is a c o m m o n l y reported accompaniment to love,

w h i c h is e nj oy ed during the rom an ti c love stage, but

w h i c h often g iv es way to the goal for c o m p a t i b i l i t y as

companionate love de ve lo ps (Lee 1973, p. 253). This

ecstasy, or deligh t in existence, " e c li ps es all reality"

(Tennov 1979, pp. 20-22), is p e r c e i v e d as an "awakening"

or re ve l a t i o n (Alberoni 1983, pp. 33, 44, 63). The

senses all seem more acute, he ig h t e n e d (Tennov 1979, pp.

20-22); one feels o n es elf "fl ood ed w i t h p o w e rf ul life-

giving emotions" (Sanford 1980, p. 67). Alb ero ni

23
de s c r i b e s this state as like a "blinding light" w hi ch is

als o an a b s o l u t e danger, w h i c h frees one's desire and

pu t s it at the center of his existence, w he re it becom es

a feeli ng of liberation, ha ppiness, a fullness, pr o du ci ng

a desire to do e v e ry t h i n g one can for the b e l o v e d (and

oneself) in order to be happy, thus en abling duty and

p l e a s u r e to come t o g et he r (Walster & W a ls te r 1978, pp.

54-55). Additio nal ly, lovers feel the need to share

t ho se deeply-held e m o t i o n s w i t h oth er s they care about

(Walster & Wa lst er 1978, pp. 54-55; Tenn ov 1979, pp. 20-

22 ) .

The com m on feeling of o m ni po te nc e, wh er e all things

seem po ssible, all o b s t a c l e s conquerable t h r o u g h the

sheer force of love, is c o n s i d e r e d by some an "unreality"

similar to that of the two-year-old (Peck 1978, pp. 87-

88), e s pe ci a ll y unreal in that it is effortless, not an

act of will, but rat he r s o me th ing w h i c h ha ppe ns to us,

s o m et hi ng w h i c h c a p t u r e s us (Peck 1978, p. 89; Al beroni

1983, p. 43).

The p e r c e p t i o n of the a b s o l u t e u n i q u e n e s s of the

beloved, and one's a p p r e c i a t i o n for that in d i v i d u a l i t y or

specif ic it y, is an u n m i s t a k a b l e sign to some that this is

love (Alberoni 1983, p. 36). There is a real contentment

wi t h the present, as the be lo ve d is p e r c e i v e d to be

perfect, and neithe r lover nor b e l o v e d seem in need of

pe r s o n a l d ev e l o p m e n t or g r o w t h (Peck 1978, p. 90). The

24
lover e xa gg e r a t e s the belo ve d' s vi r t u es and m i n i m i z e s

faults (Walster & Wa ls te r 1978, pp. 54-55). Some

writers, however, b el ie ve that i d e a l i z a t i o n and

u nc ri t i ca l a cc ep t a n c e of the b e lov ed is not n e c e s s a r i l y a

com po n e nt of love (Driscoll, Davis & Lipetz 1972, p. 9).

Perhaps the most uniq ue and characteristic feeling

a s s o c i a t e d wi t h f al lin g in love is the in cr ed i b l e tensio n

b et wee n the po les of e cs ta sy and torment, or pl ea sur e and

pai n (Alberoni 1983, p. 40; Ten no v 1979, p. 44; Walster &

Wa ls te r 1978, pp. 8-9). Fe el ing s of happiness, passion,

torment, desire, and an x ie ty coexist. The lover wishes

to pr olo ng the happy state and at the same time to

unt an gl e it from the torment; the lover is p u l l e d by the

str eng th of the feeling, p u l l e d and forc ed to change,

t r a n s p o r t e d to a higher state where the stakes are all or

nothing (Alberoni 1983, pp. 40, 43). The lover is torn

and pulled, plummeting from sublime c o n t e n t m e n t to

to r m e n t e d despair. This t e n s i o n - f i l l e d p ha se is not

t ho ugh t to last very long, unle ss the l o ve rs are absent

from one a n ot her (Z. Rubin 1973, p. 191).

Alberon i de sc ri b es the c o ns e q u e n c e s of re s o l v i n g this

p ol a r i t y when he says that some peo pl e have no peace

"until they have t r a n s f o r m e d the s pl en di d ex pe r i e n c e of

their love into something control lab le, ci rc ums cr ib ed ,

defined." They then pay the price of the d i s a p p e a r a n c e

of ecstasy, a retur n to everyda y t r an qu il li ty , w h i c h may

25
ag a i n be i n t e r r u p t e d by boredom, b i t t e r n e s s and

disappointment (Alberoni 1983, p. 44). Thus, he implies

that falling in love is not a part of or d i n a r y life, but

is a break from eve ry da y life, a transgression from the

or d i n a r y (p. 43). The or di n a ry life is c h a r a c t e r i z e d by

pol es of t r a n q u i l l i t y and disappointment, wh er e a s the

love p o l a r i t i e s are e cs ta sy an d torment.

There is new e v i d e nc e of a b i o c h e mi ca l ba sis for love.

Exa m i n i n g the i n t e r c o n n e c t i o n s of the limbic sys te m and

a d j a c e n t a re as such as the hy po th ala mus , s ci en ti st s kn ow

that those c o n n e c t i o n s are r e s p o n s i b l e for our ab ili ty to

experience feelings. L ie bo wi tz d e s c r ib es how a thought

co n n e c t s to the h u ma n' s pl e a s u r e or d i s p l e a s u r e center to

de t e r m i n e the em oti on aroused. Pleasurable or pos it iv e

m e m o r i e s or t h o u g h t s of oneself and a n o t h e r establish a

firm link to the p l e a s u r e center. Liebowitz says

clearly, "Love a n d r om a n c e seems to be one, if not the

most p o w e r f ul activator of our p l e a s u r e centers"

(Liebowitz, 1984, pp. 40-48), re s u l t i n g in the wide

va rie ty of p l e a s u r a b l e em otions a r o u s e d during this

time .

BEHAVIORAL C O R R E L A T E S OF RO MA N T I C LOVE

Ev eryone recognizes lovers by their behavi or s; they

gaze for long p e r i o d s into each ot h e r ' s eyes; they orient

to one a n ot he r to let the world k n o w they are a couple;

they touch; th ei r v o l a t i l e em ot i o n s are m o r e easily seen;

26
they use a secret, personalized language; and they show

gr e a t t e nd e rn es s and c o n s i d e r a t i o n to each other. Other

be h a v i o r s are less ob vi o u s to outsiders, but are equally

indicative that the two are in love; in ti mat e self­

disclos ure; in ti m at e sexual behavior? se n s i t i v i t y to

m e t a c o m m u n i c a t i o n and frequent interpretation of the

ot h e r ' s words and actions; t es ts for "Do you love me?";

and p e r c e p t i o n s of the b e lo ve d as more a t t r a c t i v e and

p er f e c t than o b j e c t i v e reali ty warrants.

Eye gaze is a po p u l a r be ha vio r to study in lovers

be c a u s e eye contact, in our culture, serves as a vehic le

for intimate communication, indica ti ng that the

communication c ha nn el is open, signi fy ing the u ni qu en es s

of the union of the two lovers (Z. Rubin 1973, pp. 222-

224; C u n n i n g h a m & Ant il l 1981, p. 41). Gaz in g into each

other's eyes for longer p e r i o d s may be the first behavi or

i n di ca ti ng a coup le is in love (Davis 1973, pp. 67, 77-

78; Tenn ov 1979, p. 63). In a crowd or at a party, one

can noti ce lovers "s ne aki ng glances" at one another,

una b l e to take their eyes away from each other (Walster &
Walster 1978, pp. 54-55), because, as Davis says, "mutual

in v o l v e m e n t is c o m m u n i c a t e d at peak i nt ens it y" th ro ug h

gazi ng "longin gl y an d w i s t f u l l y at each ot her 's

communication a pp ar at us , particularly the eyes" (Davis

1973, p. 67).

The lovers' special form of pe rs ona l communication

27
de ve lo p s and more c h a n n el s are used for sending and

rec e i v i n g messages, i nc lud ing emotion-laden nonv er bal

cues (Hopper, Knapp & Scott 1981, p. 23). The lovers

give each other l ing ui sti c and kinesic signals,

in di ca ti ng a total c o m m u n i c a t i o n p a t t e r n of intimacy

(Davis 1973, pp. 73-74). The language of p e r s o n a l idioms

develops, in cluding n i c k n am es and other expressions of

affecti on , teasing insults, labels for outsid er s, and

eu ph em i s m s for sexual r e f e r e n c e s or in vi t a t i o n s (Hopper,

Knapp & Scott 1981, pp. 22, 25-26; Davis 1973, p. 75).

This specialized, unique-to-the-relationship language

helps to define the n orm s of the lovers' re l a t i o n s h i p and

to deve lo p and enhanc e its c o h e s i v e n e s s (Hopper, Knapp &

Scott 1981, p. 23).

The sp e ci al i ze d la ngu ag e su pp ort s o p p o r t u n i t i e s for

more int imate s e l f - d i s c 1 o s u r e , hours spent in t e lli ng the

be lo v e d ab out oneself, as a way of mak in g the belove d

participate in the t o t a l i t y of the lover, sharing their

pasts, showing their feelings, de veloping trust, and

d isc los ing secrets and pe rsonal, scarce in f o r m a t io n

(Alberoni 1983, pp. 34-35, 112; Petty & Mir el s 1981, p.

494; Hopper, Knapp & Scott 1981, p. 23; Orl in sk y 1979, p.

210; Wa ls ter & Wa ls te r 1978, pp. 54-55).

Knapp assert s that lovers are more s e ns it ive to

m e t c o m m u n i c a t i o n , mo r e i n c l i n e d to talk a b o u t the way

they talk to each other (Knapp 1984, p. 6). This

28
sen si t i v it y to the c o m m u n i c a t i o n pattern in the

r e l a t i o n s h i p often leads to a c lo se sc rutiny of the

lover' s words and actions, w h i c h may el eva te the

re la t i o n s h i p to an al mo st mystical, r e li gi ous level.

For those who are in love, the

i n t e r p r e t a t i o n of in ti ma te
c o m m u n i c a t i o n a s su me s a special place.
The lover so c o n s e c r a t e s all of his
bel o ve d 's beh av io r that her every word
and g es tu re co mp os e for him a holy
book, one he feels c o m p e l l e d to read
over and over a gai n in me mo r y in order
to dia gno se the pr ec is e degree of her
de vot ion to him and, hence, the
p re c i s e g r a d a t i o n of his state of
grace (Davis 1973, p. 72).

The body p os t u r e of lovers betray th e m as well. There

is a real "in cli nat ion " to w ar d each other, m a n i f e s t i ng

itself in a visibl e incline or slope t o w a r d each other

(Walster & Wa lst er 1978, pp. 54-55). Sta nding dis tance

become s closer, the lovers take on s i d e - by -s id e and

m at ch i n g "kinesic m o d a l i t i es " wi th more p hy si ca l contact,

more similar or symmetri cal body po stures, as they

" po sit io n for c o u rt sh ip, " ar r an gi ng and r e a rr an gi ng their

bodies to keep oth ers out and a n n o u n c e their "we-ness" to

the wor ld (Davis 1973, pp. 65-66,* W a l s t e r & Walster 1978,

pp. 12-15). G es tu re s of affection, appeal, i nv it at io n

and s e d uc ti on i n cr ea s e (Orlinsky 1979, p. 210; W a ls te r &

Walster 1978, pp. 12-15).

Communication channels in cr e a se in int imacy along a

c o n t i n u u m of be h a v i o r s from gazing to speaking to each

29
other in special ways (Davis 1973, pp. 77-78) before

co n t i n u i n g to t ou ch a n d engage in sexual behaviors. As

the r e l a t i o n s h i p m o v e s to gr e a t e r intimacy, lovers obta in

imp lic it p e r m i s s i o n to touch, press, or co mp re ss each

other p hy si ca ll y, as shown by their co n s t a n t a d j u st me nt

of clothing, g r o o mi n g be haviors, standing and sitting

cl os er and closer, fon dli ng each ot her 's p o s s e s s i o n s --

ge nerally, intru din g more and more into each o t her 's

pe r s o n a l space (Davis 1973, pp. 69-70; Alb er on i 1983, p.

65). Any sensory s t i m u l a t io n at this p oi nt may lead to

sexual arousal. As Dr. Talmey, a 1919 "expert" on love,

recogni z e d ;

The m e a n i n g of all such

a t t a c h m e n t s is the desire to
satisfy the senses . . . any of
the five senses may be the
starting p o i n t of sexual desire.
. . The g e n er a t i v e centre is in
c o m m u n i c a t i o n wit h the ce n t r e s
of all the other senses and may
be e x c i t e d by th e m (Talmey 1919,
p . 9 ).

In fact, science co n f i r m s that our n e r v o u s systems have

so ev olv ed that we seek out ce rta in ki nd s of re wa rdi ng

exper ien ces , such as romance. Peo pl e in love may have

"peak e xp eri en c es " wh e n they feel at one w i t h the

beloved. This may be the same brain c h e m i c a l sys te m as

those af f e c t e d by m i n d - a l t e r i n g drugs.

This ca pac it y to feel e n e r g i z e d and

e xc it ed is the m e c h a n i s m that first
makes us feel we are in love. Fa lli ng
in love is having your p l e a s u r e center

30
 go bonkers in r e sp on se to an
i n t e r a c t i o n w i t h a n o t h e r pers on
(Liebowitz, 1984, pp. 69-74).

Sexual behavior, howeve r it is expressed, is a usual

accompaniment to f a ll in g in love. We a s s o c i a t e sex with

love to a great degree, leadi ng G r e e n f i e l d to state that "we

believe and behave like we are in love when we engage in

sex" (Gr ee nfi el d 1965, p. 365).

Lov e r s p r o g r e s s from gaz in g and speaking to touching,

kissing, and inte rc ou rse , us u a l ly in that order. The

co nt ac t b e tw ee n body p a r t s us u a l l y in vo lve s hands, arms,

shoulders, lips, body, breasts, and genitals, in that order

(Davis 1973, pp. 77-78). The p r o g r e s s i o n occ ur s as the

lover begins testing to see if the be lov ed wants the

r e l a t i o n s h i p to move to a higher level. Then the next

beh a v i o r "locks" the relationship into that next level,

w hi ch is why the first touch, the first kiss, the first "I

love you," and often the first ov e r t l y sexual move or act of

int er course, set off c ha in reactions to other b e h a v i o r s as

intimate. These "firsts" or "triggers" are e x c e e d i n g l y

diffi cu lt to in iti ate b ec au se of the high po ss i b i l i t y of

r e j ec ti on of the lover, w h i c h w o u l d attack the l o v e r ’s s e l f ­

esteem, and so the tim in g in t he se love p l a y s is cr uc ial ly

i m p or ta nt (Davis 1973, pp. 77-78, 80; Owen 1985).

Other tests besid es p h y s i c a l and sexual ones are com mo n

among lovers, as each lover has a t h o u s a n d diffe ren t ways of

asking the c r uc ial question; "Do you love me?" Alberoni

31
clai ms that these te sts are a way to d i s c ov er which of the

couple really loves the other, as it is the pers on who is

really in love who i n c e s s an tl y pos es the "Do you love me?"

q u es ti o n and is also the one who gives the gifts, provi ng

that the be lov ed is lo ved (Alberoni 1983, pp. 66-67, 74).

The lover, a c c o r d i ng to studies by Dion and Dion, has

selective p e r c e p t u a l di st ortion, perceiving the belove d as

more attractive, less di st or te d in la bo r a t o r y ex per ime nta l

settings, and mo r e perfect, than do t ho se i n d i v i du al s not in

love (Dion & Dion 1975, pp. 50-53; 1976, p. 170; Cu nn i n g h a m

& Antill 1981, p. 41). Love rs e x a g g e r a t e the beloved's

virtues, mi n i m i z e faults, and show gr ea t ten derness,

ki n d n e s s and r e s p o n s i b i l i t y to w a r d the b e l o v e d (Walster &

Wa lst er 1978, pp. 54-55). Those k in ds of tr an sfo r ma ti on s,

such as "c on si d e r a t e n e s s , " prove more i m p o r t a n t over time as

their c o n s i st en c y in c r ea s es (Kelley 1979, pp. 117-118).

For the "limerant" or a d d i c t e d lover, w ho se love may not

be rec iprocated, other things in life seem less central,

less im p ort an t than love. For many lovers, li me ran t or not,

the focus on love and on the be lov ed set up co nd it i o n s where

em oti ons are more vo latile, mor e obvious, a n d mo o d changes

are more abr up t (Tennov 1979, p. 45).

The va rio us be h a vi or s ty p if yi ng love make int er es ti ng work

for sch olars and r e s e a r c h e r s in co mm un i c a t i o n , social

p s y c h o l o g y and psy ch ol ogy . What is di f f i cu lt to discer n is

the fine line w h i c h s e p ar at es those "in love" from those

32
wi th strong, in timate frie nd shi ps . As one lesbia n woman

states, "The only d if fe re nc e be twe en a frien d and a lover is

wh er e you put your hands." Since we often recognize lovers

by their behaviors, continued study of those be h a v io rs and

how they differ from b e h a v i o rs in other int imate

relationships should be valuable.

TY PO L O G I E S OF LOVE

For years, wr ite rs have been a t t e m p t i n g to c a t e g o r i z e the

types of human re la tio nsh ips . Knapp s im pli fi es the list to

five k in ds of re la tio nsh ip s: stranger, ac qu a i nt an ce , buddy,

close friend, and lover (Knapp 1984, p. 30). He po i n t s out

that this cu lt ur e has ce rt ai n role ex p e c t a t i o n s for

re la ti on s hi ps : family m e m b e r s are su pp os ed to be close;

male/female r e l a t i o n s h i p s are romantic; friendship should

occur only wi t h same sex persons; and in ti ma cy leads to

marriage. Davis, on the other hand, splits r e l a t i o n s h i p s

into two types; in t i ma te s and n o n- int ima te s. Non-intimates

do not r ec ip r o c a t e a large num be r of in ti mat e behaviors, and

are of four kinds: strangers, role (or secondary) relations,

ac qu ai nt a nc es , and enemies. Inti ma te s c o ns is t of friends,

lovers, spouses and siblings (Davis 1973, pp. xviii-xix).

D e f i n i t i o n s of love relationships range in sorts from

those c h a r a c t e r i z e d by "mere sublimated sexual lust" to

those w hi c h seem to have a "sort of excess of friendship"

(Lee 1973, p. 4). Usually, most pe op l e d i s t i n g u i s h two

types of love, wh ich H a t f ie ld and Wa l s t e r label "passionate"

33
and "co mp an i on a t e" (Hatfield 1982, p. 268). C u n n i n g h a m and

Antill p o i n t out that many r e s e a r c h er s o v e r s i m p l i f y this

a n t i t h e s i s as a simple t e nsi on betwee n eros and agape or the

sacred and p ro fan e types of love. They re p o r t vario us

co nt ra s t s such as se nt im en t and emotio n (Turner), extri nsi c

and int rinsic (Blau and Seligman), co nj uga l and romantic

(Burgess), re as on ab le a n d u n r e a s o n a b l e (Lilar) and

deficiency-love (or "D-love") and b e in g- lo ve ("B-love")

(Maslow, McGovern).

The central me an i n g of these

t yp ol og i es is c a p t u r e d in the con tr as t
between. . . e m ot io ns felt and acts
p e r f o r m e d in g r a t i t u d e for past
rewards or in hope of futu re ones. . .
and. . . em oti ons or acts wi t h no such
a pp ar e nt implicat io ns . The de v e l o p m en t
of love piv ot s on this t e ns io n between
co nc er n for self and c o n c e r n for the
pa rtn er (Cu nni ngh am & Antill 1981, pp.
30-31 ).

The difficulty, in this m o d e r n age in America, of

lab eling the re l a t i o n s h i p corre ct ly , ca u se s us all

concern. Peopl e live to ge th er who aren 't married, or who

a r en 't in love, yet co ns i d er t he ms el ve s a couple.

Am e r i c a n Co u p le s a u t h o r s B l u m s t e i n and Schwartz stated it

this way:

We often use the wo r d p a rt ne r to refer

to one me mb e r of a couple. We do this
be cau se it was hard to find one term
ap pr o p r i a t e to all four k i n d s of
couples. . . Other p o s s i b i l i t i e s
i nc lu d ed m a t e , l o v e r , s p o u s e ,
si gn i fi ca n t other, and p o s s l q (census
t e r m i no lo g y for "People of Op po s i te
Sex Sharing Liv ing Q u ar ter s") , but

34
 none of these seemed satisfactory. We
a lso do not like using the word
c o h a b i t o r s , but c o u l d find no more
fe l ic i t o u s term (Blumstein & Schwartz
1983, pp. 22-23).

By far the most inn ov a t iv e c l a s s i f i c a t i o n of love

relationships has been done by J. A. Lee and c o n t i n u e d

and re v i s e d by others. Lee c h a r a c t e r i z e s six types of

love: mania, eros, ludus, storge, agape, and pragma. Of

these, eros, ludus, and storge are c o n s i d e r e d pr im ar y

types (using a color an alogy), w h i c h c o mb in e to p r od u c e

two secon dar y sets of love types: (1) compou nds : mania,

pragma, and agape; and (2) mix tures: ludic eros, storgic

ludus, and storgic eros (Lee 1973, pp. 15-16, 21-22).

Lee bel ie ve s that p e r s o n s may begin wi t h one style of

loving, then chang e in r e sp on se to a p a r t n e r to an

altered style, then re sp o nd en ti rel y di f fe re nt ly with

an ot he r lover. He also c o n si de rs the po ss i b i l i t y that two

concurrent love r e l a t i o n s h i p s may obtain, in each of

w h i c h the lover re la te s quite d i f f e r e n t ly to the pa rtn er

(Lee 1973, pp. 23-24). Lee ad m it s his typ ology is

unique, but not the last word. In ans we r to the

question, "How many k in ds of love are there?" he r ep lie s

that it depend s on "what m e a s u r e you use to d i s t i n g u i s h

kinds, w h i c h in turn depen ds on what m e as u r e is

convenient to the o b s er ver " and how p a r t i c u l a r the

re se a r c h e r is (Lee 1973, p. 10). His me a s u r e s were based

on a "M eth od of Ideal Types," a set of m e nt al c o n s t r u c t s

35
wh ic h may not exist in real life.

Other r e s e a r c he rs have done studies using Lee's

typ ol og y and have fu rth er de sc ri be d the types (Hendrick

et al 1984; Hatkoff & Las sw el l 1979; L as sw el l & Lobsenz

1980 ) .

Marston, Hecht, an d Robers (1986) c o n c l u d e d that love

may be e x p e r i e n c e d in a varie ty of di f f e r e n t ways, and

identified six types of ro ma nt ic love exper ien ces ; (1)

co ll ab or at iv e, (2) active, (3) secure, (4) intuitive, (5)

committed, and (6) traditional ro mantic love.

Hunter, Ni ts ch k e and Hogan (1981) have s t ud ie d one

particular type, w h i ch they label "ad dic ti on ," as has

Peele (1975). It is the type cal le d "mania" by Lee and

"po ss es si ve love" by L a s s w e l l an d Lobsenz. This type is

an extre me e xa mp le of rom ant ic love, and is similar in

many ways to Te nno v* s co n c e pt of the "limerant" lover

(Tennov 1979; Mc W h i r t e r and Mattison, 1984).

While t y p o l o g i e s p r o v i d e a degree of u n d e r s t a n d i n g of

the natur es of love, each pe r s o n has a ty po lo gy of

relationships in g e n e r a l and of loving relationships in

p a r t i c u l a r w h i c h gu id e our e x p e c t a t i o n s and c o m m u n i c a t i o n

patterns in love relations. Falling in love is a uni qu e

experience, a dramatic event in one's life, usual ly never

to be forgotten.

Falling in love is the arriva l of the

extra or di nar y. . . an ex pl o r a t i o n of
the possible; the per so n we fall in

36
love with offe rs us a way to modify
our ev ery day e x p er ie nc e ra di cal ly
(Alberoni 1983, pp. 114, 132).

37
 T H E METHOD

R A T I O N A L E FOR METHOD

A qu a l i ta ti v e r e s e a r c h m e t h o d was used in this study, in

order to obt ai n a p h e n o m e n o l o g i c a l p e r s p e c t i v e on the

e x p e r i e n c e of "f alling in love." The r e se a r c h e r sought to

un c o v e r the c o m m u n i c a t i o n b e h a v i o r s of p e r s o n s who

ex p e r i e n c e falling in love. By asking questions in

intervie ws , by o b s e r v i n g p e r s o n s who de s c r i b e d th em se l v e s as

being in love, and by drawin g in fe re nc es ba se d on those

o b s e r v a t i o n s and the literat ur e, the r e s e a r c h e r a t t e m p t e d to

d e s c r i b e the p h e n o m e n o n and i n qui re ab ou t its me an in g in

human communication (S pradley 1980, p. 7).

The q u a l i ta ti v e method is c h a r a c t e r i z e d by the "continual

f or mi ng and ref or mi ng of p o s s i b l e h y po th ese s" (Van Ma aen en

1983, p. 258). T h r o u g h o u t the process, the q u a l i t a t i v e

r e s e a r c h e r mu s t hear w i t h the ears of, and take in the words

of, the respo nd en ts, a nd at the same time rem ai n o u ts id e the

process looking in, ob ser v i ng , searching for me ani ng or

st r u c t u r e to t e n t a t i v e l y imp os e on the data, and co mp ar e

those two v i e w p o in ts at each step. The r e s e a r c h e r first

e x a m i n e d the l i t e r a t u r e for t e n ta ti ve h y p o t h e s e s and

categories of re sponse, then c o l l e c t e d a n s w e r s from

r e s po nd en ts , discovering new c a t e g o r i e s in the process. Her

comparison of the e m e r g e nt c a t e g o r i e s wi t h those p r e s e n t in

38
the l it er a tu re a ll o w e d for one in st a n c e of an

"i ns id e r / o u t s i d e r " check for v a l i d i t y in the a t t e m p t to

d es cr ib e and u n d e r s t a n d the nat ur e of the "magic" of falling

in love.

The pr i m a ry data collection str ategy was that of the

int en si ve interview. In ad dition, a scre en in g questionnaire

was use d to cho os e su bje ct s who were more likely to have had

the e x p e r i e n c e of "magic" in their love re la tionship.

A no the r aid to the p r o c e s s was the interviewer's su bj e c t i v e

fi eld notes and a n a l y si s w r it t e n during and after the

in te nsi ve interviews, along w i t h the r e s e a r c h e r ' s

participant observation notes taken in informal o b s e r v a t i o n s

and brief unstructured interviews.

The re se ar c h e r e x p e c t e d that such d i m e n s i o n s of romantic

love and the state of falling in love as power,

involvement/commitment, attachment,

intensity/intensification, and h a p p i n e s s / c a r i n g w ou ld be

t a p p e d and emer ge from the data.

Be ca us e the r es ea r c h e r was i n t e r e s t e d in di s c o v e r i n g the

interrelationship of c o n s tr uc ts , feelings, be haviors, an d

languag e as d e s c r i b e d by the subjects, she chose this

me tho do lo gy . Thus, the m e t h o d r e s u l t e d in fi nd i n gs of great

ri c h n e s s of d es cri pt ion , the o b s e r v a t i o n of rel ev an t

n o n v er b al cues, em er ge n ce of both di ff ic ul ty of ex pr es s i o n

a n d flo w er i ng d i s c u s s i o n s f i l l e d w i t h m e t a p h o r s and

analogies -- all data u n li ke ly to be tap pe d by other

39
methods.

The r e se ar c h q u e s t i o n s were: (1) What does one who is in

love mean by saying s/he is in love? (2) What does "falling

in love" mean to such a person? ,(3) If love was, indeed, a

"magical" ex per ie nce , how is it described, cha ra cte ri zed ?

(4) What are the a t t r i b u t e s of this ki n d of "magical" love?

(5) What are the d im en si o n s and ele me nt s of this kind of

love?

SUBJECTS

The subject p o p u l a t i o n was s o l ic it ed fr o m informal

contacts, an a p p r o a c h ca l l e d "network sampling" or

"selective sampling" (Gra no ve tt er 1976; S c h at zm an & Strauss

1973). The r e s ea r c h e r a sk ed friends, acquaintances, and

uni ve r s i t y c o nt ac t s to think of pe rs o n s they knew to be in

love at the p re se n t time, and to ask those pe op l e if they

were w i ll in g to fill out a q u e s t i o n n a i r e and p e r h a p s be

interviewed.

Of the f o u r te e n subjects, half wer e c h a r a c t e r i z e d by a

ho mo s e x u a l rom ant ic pr ef e r e n ce , the other half by

he t e r o s e x u a l pr e f er e nc e. Not all su bj ect s c h a r a c t e r i z e d

t h e m s e l v e s as e x c l u s i v e l y heterosexual or ho mo se xu al in

their romanti c behaviors. Approximately half of each sexual

preference group was male (four h e te ro sex ual , three

homose xu al) , the o the r half female (three h et er os ex ua l, four

Lesbian). All but one subject were c o l l e g e - e d u c a t e d , two

had a d v a n c e d d e gr ee s in counsel in g, four ot h e r s had taken

40
co ll e g e communication courses. All were white. Ages ran ge d

from t w en ty - tw o to thir ty -s ix. The only c o n d i t i o n for

volunteering was that the su bjects p r e s e n t l y considered

themselves to be "in love." No c on di ti on s were set on

length of relationship involvement and no r e q u i r e m e n t s were

made ab ou t the p a rt ner of the subject.

Heterogeneity ba se d on sexual p r e f e r e n c e was d e s i r a b l e in

this study because few love studies have inc lu de d both

h om o se x u a l and h e t e r o s e x u a l ro mantic subjects, an d many of

the de f in i t i o n s of ro ma n t i c love and of f a lli ng in love are

li mi t e d to opp os it e sex pairs. Few studies e x ami ne the

experience of ho mos exu al love, a l t h o u g h Lee ap pl i e d his

t y p o l o g y of styles of loving to p a r t n e r s e l ec ti on by gay

ma les (Lee, 1976). The Mendo la Report (Mendola 1980)

cl e a r l y il lu s t r a t e d that the e x p e r i e n c e of falli ng in love,

and the sub se q ue nt c o m m i t m e n t to a p e r m a n e n t or serio us life

partner, is not e x c l u s iv e to h e t e r o s e x ua l couples. Pep la u

(1981) loo ked at c o n s t r u c t s such as int imacy and self-

fulfillment in h o m o s e x u al re la tio nsh ips . But becaus e

studi es such as these are few, this r e s e a r c h e r de si re d to

in clu de both he t e r o s e x u a l and h o m o s e x u a l lovers in her

study.

PRO CE DU RE S

Sub je ct s were given an initial briefing, as follows:

"Jacquie Gibson, a gr a d u a t e student in I n te rp ers ona l

Co mm un i ca ti o n, is lookin g for su bj ec ts for a c o m m u n i c a t i o n

41
the si s study on fa lli ng in love. She needs p e op le who

c on si d e r t h e ms el v e s to be "in love" at the pr es e n t time.

Both he t er o se xu a l and h om os e x u a l su bjects are sought for

this study. Su bj ec ts will be asked to an sw e r a short

qu e s t i o n n a i r e/ from w hi ch some will be cho se n to p a r t i c i p a t e

in a one- to two -ho ur i n t e r v i e w with a r e s e a r c h e r a b o u t the

e x p e r i e n c e of falling and being in love. If you

p a r t i ci p a te , your c o n f i d e n t i a l i t y is assured, and I will

send you a repo rt of the study's r e su lt s when it is

c o m p l e t e d ."

Sub j e c ts were given a scree ni ng questionnaire (Appendix

A). Wi t h a pp r o p r i a t e scores from the q u e s t i o n n a i r e (see

scoring criteria, Appendix B), participants then met wi t h a

researcher for in di v i du al in t e n si ve intervie ws, w h i c h were

r e c o r d e d on audio tape, wi t h p e r m i s s i o n (see A p p e n d i x C),

then tra ns cribed. C o n f i d e n t i a l i t y was a s s i s t e d by the use

of pseudon ym s.

Once a subject a g r e e d to pa rt ic i p a t e , and scor ed in the

acceptable range for the scre en ing qu e s t io nn ai re , an

in t e r v i e w schedule was es tab lis hed , all interviews taking

p la ce in a neutral location, a local bu si n e s s office. A

pilot study of two su bj e c ts was c o n d u ct ed prior to data

collection of the f o u r t e e n subjects, to en su r e that the

interviews were appropriate in len gt h and to test out the

scr eening and i n t e r v i e w q u e s t i o n n a i r e s for lan gua ge and

style, al lo w i ng for n e c e s s a r y revision. As the p il ot

42
interviews elicited considerable data and no major change s

were necessitated in the q u e s t i o n n a i r e , the pilot i n te rv ie ws

were in te gr a te d into the study data.

At the b eg inn in g of the interview, c o n f i d e n t i a l i t y and

an o n y m i t y were a ga in pr omised, and at the end, pa rt ici pa nt s'

q u e s ti on s were answered. The r e s e a r c h e r kept field notes

for each interview, noting p e r t i n e n t no n v e rb al be ha vi or s of

the par tic ip a nt , mo ods of both subject and interviewer, time

of day, room con dit io ns, and any e m e r g i ng im pr e s s i o n s the

i n t er vi ew er gained. This p r o c e s s of taki ng field notes

p r o v i d e d a second o rd er level of data to work with, the

perspective of the o ut si de ob se r v er who is there to c r o s s ­

check her o b s e r v a t i o n s w i t h the r e a l - l i f e p a r t i c i p a n t for

a cc ur ac y and c on fi rm at ion . This c r o s s - c h e c k i n g is one way

to pr ov id e the r e c u r s i v e n e s s uni qu e to q u a li ta ti ve research,

a l lo wi n g the r es ea r ch er to study p a t t e r n s and repetition,

promoting a cyclic rat her than a linear process. Anoth er

e xa mpl e of r e c u r s i v e n e s s comes from the pr o c e s s of ca te g o r y

dev elopment, during which, over a p e r i o d of several months,

ca te go r i e s emerged, blended, re-emer ge d, re-combined into

th i r t e e n di sti nct sets. As some c a t e g o r i e s / c o n s t r u c t s

di sa p p e a r e d for a while, ot he r s r e p e a t e dl y rose to the

surface, like st r a w b e r r i e s in a pot of jam.

The in t e r v i e w q u e s t i o n n a i r e may be seen in Ap pendix D. At

the end of the interview, each p a r t i c i p a n t was th an k e d and

p r o m i s e d a short summary of results. During the post-

in t er vi ew co nv e rs at i on , the r es ea rc he r a s k e d for

r e s p o n s e s to the pro cess, how the r e s p o n d e n t felt,

wh e t h e r all the i m p o r t a n t i n f o r m a t i o n was examined, and

so forth.

Imm edi at ely after the r e s p on de nt left, the re sea rch er

wrote up her p a r t i c i p a n t observation n ot es based on the

co n v e r s a t i o n and on the interview. Th os e no te s then

became a part of the data for the study. Field notes

wer e typed i m m e d i at e l y af te r the in terview, and

transcriptions of the in t e r vi ew typed in an ex pe die nt

manner. The ta pe d i n t e r v i e w s were t r a n s c r i b e d in

pertinent descriptive form, not n e c e s s a r i l y verbatim,

wi t h d e s c r i p ti on s and a p p r o p r i a t e q u o t a t i o n s re c o r d e d on

coded four by six inch index cards. Codi ng i n f or ma ti on

included: (1) p a r t i c i p a n t pseudonym; (2) age of

pa rti cip ant ; (3) sex and (4) sexual p r e f e r e n c e of the

pa rti cip ant ; and (5) the num be r of the i n t e r v i e w que sti on

to w h i c h the st atement was a response.

MA T E R I A L S

The Sc re eni ng Questionnaire (Appendix A) su pp li ed to

each p a r t i c i p a n t se le c t e d sub jects for s ub seq ue nt

interviews, based on a p p r o p r i a t e scores for the va rio us

qu e s t i o n s on the scale. For those e x c l u d e d on the basis

of their score on the sc reening questionnaire, the

fo ll owi ng form was given or spoken to the subject:

"Thank you for your p a r t i c i p a t i o n in the r e s e a r c h on

44
falling in love. We a p p r e c i a t e your time taken to fill

out this q ue st io nna ir e. We do not need a n y t h i ng further

fro m you at th i s time, as the p a r t i c u l a r needs of this

study tend to move in an o t h e r direction. Thank you again

for p a r t i c i p a t i ng ."

Other m a t e r i a l s in cl u de d tape re c o r de rs and tapes to

cover all the p a r t i c i p a n t intervi ew s, w h ic h were

c o n d u c t e d by a r e s ea r c h e r w i t h each of the fo ur tee n

p a r t i c i p a n ts . Co nse nt forms (Appendix C) were given to

gain p e r m i s s i o n for taping and to ensure the subjects'

rights. Writi ng m a t e r i a l s were r e q u i r e d to reco rd the

researcher's o b s e r v a t i o n s and field notes taken during

and af te r the interviews. The r e s e a r c h e r s then

t r a n s c r i b e d the tapes onto t y p e w r i t t e n pag es w h i c h were

then xe r ox ed and the a p p r o p r i a t e data tr an s f e r r e d

(pasted) to file cards for ca te g o r i z at io n.

THE I N T E N S IV E IN TE RV I EW

The p r i m a r y data c o l l e c t i o n m e t h o d was the inte ns iv e

interview, the p u r po se of w h i c h was to "elicit. . . rich,

d e t a i l e d m a t er i al s" for q u a l i t a t i v e analysis, to

"di sc ov er the i n f o r m an t ' s e x p e r i e n c e " of the

s i t ua ti on or topic (Lofland & Lofland 1984, p. 12). An

i n t en si ve in t e rv i ew study g e n e r a t e s q u e st io ns mer it in g

furthe r inv es ti ga tio n, leading often to more i n - d e p t h

research studi es (Harvey et al 1983, pp. 452-453;

Bradford 1980, p. 498).

45
 Rec en t studies have used the i n t e rv ie w m e t h o d o l o g y to

provide the rich data r e q u i r e d for the research. Cheney

(1983), for example, used i nt er vi ew s to yi el d re t r o s p e c t i v e

accounts by i nd iv i d u a l s in o r g a n i z at io ns , to explore their

organizational i d e n t i f i c a t i o n as it r e l a t e d to d e c i s i o n ­

making .

The in t e r vi ew can help the r e se a r c h e r find "the very logic

of [the subjects'] thi nking abo ut the c o nte nt of their

reality" (Schatz man & Strauss 1973, p. 69). The w e a l t h of

this sort of highly d e t a i l ed information is usually

u n o b t a i n a b l e to o ut si der s, but the r e s e a r c h e r can tap into

it during the interview. Such i n t e rv ie ws are effective

becaus e of the direct p a r t i c i p a t i o n by the interviewer, who

can i n f lu en ce the na tu r e of the e v id en ce by str ucturing the

int er action, probing, seeking c l a r i f i c a t i o n and elaboration.

Thus, an in t e n s iv e i n t e r v i e w can give a more co mp le te and

a c c u r a t e a s s e s s m e n t of the p h e n om en on , as p e r c e i v e d by the

subjects being examined, than can other methods.

The p i l ot i n t er v ie ws a s s i s t e d the r e s e a r c h e r in re fining

both the sc reening questionnaire (Appendix A) and the

in t e r v i e w questionnaire (Appendix D). The screening

i n t e r v i e w was rewritten, and the i n t e r v i e w qu e s t i o n n a i r e was

left s u b s ta n t ia ll y the same t h r o u g h o u t the fourteen

interviews, new p r o be q u e s t i o n s a d d e d over time, and some

questions left u ne la bor at ed . Both o r i g i n a l and re w r i t t e n

forms a p p e a r in A p p e n d i c e s A and D. Dur in g the in terview

46
pr ocess, the q u e s t i o n n a i r e was only subtly a l t e r e d (e.g.,

some qu es t io ns co mbined, wo rk e d th rou gh briefly, or even

omitted , es pec ial ly t ow a r d the end of the sample of

su bjects), based on data w h i c h arose f r o m the process,

i nd ic at in g that c e r t a i n q u e s t i o n s are s u b s u m e d under other

questio ns, or that most su bjects r e s p o n d e d the same way to

the questions.

An in t en siv e interview has the adv an ta ge of (1) tapping

p e r c e pt io ns , fe elings, thoughts, e x p e c t a t i o n s and memories;

(2) o b t ai ni ng d e s c r i p t i o n s of p r i v a t e events; and (3) being

relatively easy to obtain, convenient and i n ex pe ns iv e

(Harvey et al 1983, pp. 452-453). During the i n t e r v i e w s in

this study, the basic (numbered) que st io ns re m a i n e d the

same. Probes varied, de p e n di ng upon the subj ec t' s response,

and eli ci te d more i n f o r m a t i o n on themes as they d e v el op ed in

the convers ati on . This p r o c e s s a l l o w e d the r e s e a r c h e r the

leeway to flow w i t h the r e s p o n d e n t ' s mood and feelings, to

key into a rea s t o u c h e d upon in the a n s w e r s and to fo l l o w

through with apparently meaningful re sp o n s e directions.

A N AL YS I S

The c on s ta nt c o m p a r a t i v e m e t h o d was used to an al y z e the

data, a l l o wi ng for a c o n s t a n t flow of data and em er gi ng

c a t e g o r i e s on the n a t u r e of the "magic" of f a ll in g in love

(Loflan d & L o f l a n d 1984, p. 136). After each four

i n t e r v i e w s were c o m p l e t e d (e.g., after #4, #8, #12, and then

#14) an d tr ans c ri be d , the data were put onto c od ed index

47
cards. The r e s ea rc h er w ou ld then begin to sort the data

cards into ca te g o r i e s as they emerg ed from the data (the

in du cti ve process), gr o u p i n g similar responses into mu tu a l l y

exclusive, e xh au s t i v e categories (Lofland & L o fl an d 1984).

As the ca te go r i e s emerged, the r e s e a r c h e r then c od ed each

res po ns e into as many c at eg o r i e s as p o s s i b l e (the dedu ct ive

p r o c e s s ) , then c o m p a r e d the re sp o n se w i t h oth er s in that

category. It is im po rt an t in this p r o c e s s to ensure that

all r e s p o ns e s fit the c a t e go ry th ey' re p l a c e d in, and that

the p r o p e r t i e s of that c a t e go ry become in c r e a s i n g l y clearer.

Cat ego ry d e s c r i p t i o n s were r e v i s e d each time the coding was

done (after each four in te rviews). R e s p o n s e s were c o m p a r ed

wi th the p r o p e r t y or d e s c r i p t i o n of the ca te go ry they were

filed into, and as the p r oc es s c o n t i n u e d after each four

interviews, the c a t e g o r i e s shift ed and changed. The

re se ar c h e r sought em er g e n t higher level con cep ts (called

"del imi ti ng the theory") as she a t t e m p t e d pa r s i m o n y wi t h the

data.

Two kinds of re li a b i l i t y we r e e s t a b l i s h e d in the study.

First, two i nd e p e n d e n t in d u c t i v e judges, who were not

r es e ar c h a s s i s t a n t s and who were not fa mi l i a r wi t h the

respo nde nt s, were as ke d to c r o s s - c h e c k the data. Both

fema le and in their m i d - t h i r t i e s , one was a mas te r' s

c a n d i d a t e in nursing, e ng ag ed hersel f in an eth nog ra ph ic

study, and fa mil ia r w i t h the q u a l i t a t i v e process. The other

was a doctoral candidate in sociology, also well e x p e r i e n c e d

48
in qu a l i t a t i v e research. These judges w e r e a s k e d to

in du c t i v e l y discover ca t e g o r i es , given a sample of

responses. I n s t r u c t i o n s to the judges we r e as follows:

"Given these sample re spo ns es , plea se sort th em into at

least three and no mo re than twelve d i s c r e te categories.

Plea se label the ca t e g o r y by a word, phrase, or p a r a g r a p h

d esc rip tio n. " The r e s e a r c h e r ' s and the in du ct iv e judges'

c a t e g o r i e s were then c o l l a p s e d to ge the r to form higher level

categories.

The second r e l i a b i l i t y check came t h r o u g h ask in g

in d e p e n d e n t d e d uc ti ve judges to sort r e s p o n s e s into the

re s e a r c h e r ' s categories. Three such judges we r e used. The

first, a twenty-two-year-old senior l i n gu is ti cs student,

v o l u n t e e r e d her services. The second, a thirty-five-year-

old m a s t e r ' s level spe ec h p a t h o l o g i s t / a u d i o l o g i s t , sorted

the data cards at two d i f f e r e n t times. The third, a twenty-

eight-year-old communication gr ad u a te wi t h an M.A.,

experienced in q u a l i t a t i v e research, so r t e d once. All were

female. I n s t r u c t i o n s to these judges were as follows:

"Pleas e sort these r e s p o n s e s by filing ea c h data card into

one of the f o l low in g c a te go ri es :. . ."

The use of several cod er s p r o v i d e d c a t e g o r i e s whi ch were

far more re li ab le than those g e n e r a t e d by a single coder

(Shellen 1985, p . 2). After each d e du ct ive sorting, the

re s e a r c h e r and the judge di s c u s s e d the m a t c h e s and

mi s m a tc he s, leading the res ea r c he r to modify, rena me or

49
c ol la p s e categories.

The sta ti s ti ca l test used for the r e li a b i l i t y of two or

more i n d ep en d e nt coders was the Cohen kappa (k), the

c o e f f i c i e n t of a g r e e m e nt (Cohen 1960), which pr o v i d e d

r el ia b i l i t y for the de d u c t i v e categor ie s. A l t h ou gh the

su bs ta nce of q u a l i t a t i v e r e s e a r c h comes t h r o u g h the a n a l y s i s

phase, the indu cti ve p ro c e s s of c a t e go ri za ti on , Shellen

say s :

But an al y ti c c a t e g o r i e s do not exist

in a vacuum. . . At the po in t in a
q ua li t a t i v e study wh e n samples of
l angu age are sorted by the r e s e a r c h e r
into the a n a l y t i c cat ego rie s, an
a p p r o p r i a t e test of the r e l i a b i l i t y of
this sorting sho ul d be m a n d a to ry
(Shellen 1985).

At d i f f e r e nt times, the three code rs sorte d the data into

cat ego ri es. After each sorting, a table was c o ns t r u c t e d

w h i c h r e p r e s e n t e d all p o s s i b l e c o m b i n a t i o n s of ag r e e m e n t and

d is a g r e e m e n t betwe en the coder and the r e s e a r c h e r ab ou t how

they c l a s s i f i e d the responses. The " ag re em en t dia go nal " on

the table i l l u s t r at es the i n s t a nc es whe re the coders agr ee d

on the ca te g o r y into wh ic h r e s p o n s e s wer e filed. The

formul a for c o m pu ti ng kappa is as follows:

k = (fo - fc) -J- (N - fc)

w he re k = kappa, the index of

a g r e e m e n t or i n t e r c o d e r r e l ia bi li ty ,

fo = the o b s e r v e d f r e q u e n c y of
agreements,

fc = the f r e que nc y of ag r e e m e n t w h ic h
w o u l d be e x p e c t e d by chance,

50
 and N = the g r a n d total of all cells
in the table, or total number of un its
of data sorted by code rs r e ga rd l e s s of
ag r e em e nt or disagre eme nt.

After kappa was co mputed, the r e se ar c h e r ch eck ed to see

that the de sir ed r el i a b i l i t y index was reached. In this

study, if the r e l ia b i l i t y were not satisfactory (i.e., at

least 0.75 = k), the r e s e a r c h e r r e s o r t e d the categories.

Re li a b i l i t y scores were 0.55, then 0.66, 0.74, and

e ve nt u a ll y 0.85, after re w o r k i n g the ca t e g o r y labels each

time.

In this manner, the r e s e a r c h qu e s t i o n s were a n s w e r ed

t h r o u g h a detailed, rich, re al -li fe study of real peo pl e in

love, who d e s c r i be d t hei r experience. The researcher's task

was to let the c a t e g o r i e s of that e x p e r i e n c e emerge from the

data, after al lo wi n g time a n d the i n d u c t i v e m e t h o d to work

t h r o u g h the r e s ea r ch er and the data, t o w a r d the goal of the

e m e r ge nc e of new theory.

51
 RESUL TS

Participants in this study responded to qu e s t i o n s about

the natu re of fallin g a n d being in love, the fe el i n g s they

a s s o ci at e with love, and the ways in w h i c h they communicate

t hei r love. They were a s k e d to des cri be their love

ex pe r i e n c e and to co m p ar e it wit h other romantic

r e l a t i o n s h i p s and friendships.

The fou rt ee n in te nsi ve i n t e r v i e w s y i e l d e d a mass of data -

- more than a th o u s a n d cards full of q uo ta ti on s and

participant observation notes. All ver ba l data from the

i nt er v i e w s were sorted into em er g e n t c a te g o r i e s after each

fo ur th interview. Eve ntu all y, in o rd er to redu ce the data

to a m a n a g e a b l e set, the r e s e a r c h e r ran do ml y chose every

fo u r t h card as an a n a l y s i s set. Th ose 259 data cards were

then pl a c e d into c a t e g o r i e s using the co ns t a n t comparative

method. Many "passes" we r e m a d e on the data set by the

re s e a r c h e r t h r o u g h twelve d i f fe re nt sets of ca te g o r i e s (see

Ap p e n d i x E). After re du c i ng the a n a l y s i s set to 259 cards,

the res ea rc he r d e v e l o p ed new cat eg or ie s. The indu ct ive

judge then sorted the 259 cards into new categories, and the

final set of fifteen c a t e g o r i e s r e p r e s e n t s the ult ima te

i nt e g r a t i o n of these sets, m o d i f i e d by sorting and fee dba ck

fr om de du ct i ve judges. The final c a t e g o r i e s c on si st of the

fo ll owi ng fiftee n categor ie s. An as t e r i s k (*) indicates

carryovers from the pr e v i o u s set.

52
 FINAL C A TE G O R I E S

*1 . love is . . .
2. r o ma nc e
3. a t t ra c t i o n
4. compa ri sons
*5. commitment
*6 . problems
*7 . communication
*8 . fe elings
9. ambi v a 1enc e
10 . d e s c r i p t i o n of the se lf /l ov er
11. d e s c r i p t i o n of the belov ed
12 . d e s c r i p t i o n of the r e l a t i o n s h i p
*13. the future
14. p h y s i c a l factors
15 . se x ua li ty

Respondents in this study c o n c e p t u a l i z e d t he ir love

experience in a v a ri et y of ways. As in the Marston, Hecht &

Robe rs study (1986), lovers d e s c r i b e d t he ir ex pe r i e n c e in

terms of re la t i o n a l constructs (such as commitme nt,

r e ci pr oc it y, or security), physiological responses (heart

beati ng "ka-tunk"), and by de sc r i b i n g behaviors.

A d d i t i on al ly , respondents in this study d e s c r i b e d and

la be le d many different fe el in gs and em o t i o n a l responses, and

.attempted the e x p r e s s i o n of the i n e x p r e s s i b l e th ro ug h

metaphors, a na lo gi es , and vivid, figurative language.

Since the final c a t e g o r i e s r e s u l t e d fr o m twelve pas se s

th r o u g h the data cards and e m er ge d out of only on e - q u a r t e r

of the data, the t y p o l o g i z i n g was very di f f i c u l t and, as a

result, is p o s s i b l y less m e a n i n g f u l than c a t e g o r i e s deriv ed

f r o m the full set. The final c a t e g o r i e s we r e seen by the

researc he r, however, as a l e g i t i m a t e st r u c tu re for

53
ag r e e m e n t by several judges in mak in g sense of the data.

The p r o c e s s represented by the series of t h i r t e e n ca te go ry

sets (see Ap pen di x E) seems far more illustrative of the

experience of falling in love than do the final categories.

The va ri ou s groups of cate go rie s, emergi ng as the p r oc es s

continued, i de nt i f i e d and c o n f i r m e d nearly all the

dimensions and el em e n t s of love pr e s e n t in the literature.

In fact, the g r e a t e s t p r o b l e m in this stage was that there

we r e so many d i f f e r e n t ways to c a te g o r i z e the data! The

t y p ol o g i c al tem pla te r e p r e s e n t e d by the final c at eg or y set

serves its purpose, but should not be seen as the de fin iti ve

b r e ak d o w n for an aly si s of the data.

Further, since the i n t e r vi ew q u e st io ns served their

purpose of pr o v i d i ng re s p o n s e s w h i c h an s w e r e d the r e s e a r ch

questions, the data are r e p o r t e d ac c o r di ng to the res pe ct iv e

r e s e a r c h qu est io n regardless of where they o c c u r r e d in the

interview. The p r o c e s s of a d d r e s s i n g the r e s e a r c h qu e s t i o n s

has been an i n o r d i n a t el y in t u i ti ve process, of the

researcher's becomi ng fa m i li ar wi t h the r e s p o n s e s over time,

and wa t c h i n g the "p a t t e r ns in the rug" emerge.

Therefore, in the a n a l y s i s of the resul ts of this study,

the r e s e a r ch e r has a t t e m p t e d to bring out the r ic hn es s of

the data. In an s w er i ng each of the r e s e a r c h qu estions, the

researcher has a d d r e s s e d one or more of these conceptual

patte rn s: (1) r el at i o n a l c o n s tr uc ts , (2) p h y s i o l o g i c a l

r e s p o ns e s or behaviors, (3) fe el i n g s and emotional

54
response s, and/o r (4) fi gu r a ti ve language.

THE RE SE A R CH Q U E S T I O N S

1. What does one who is in love mean

by saying s/he is in love?

2. What does "falling in love" mean

to such a person?

3. If love was, indeed, a "magical"

experience, how is it described,
c h a r a c te r iz ed ?

4. What are the at tr i b u t e s of this

kind of "magical" love?

5. What are the d i me ns io ns and

ele me nt s of this ki n d of love?

The r e s p o ns es w h i ch a n s w e r e d the f ir st two re se arc h

q u e s ti on s are di ff icu lt to separate, e s p e c i a l l y when it

comes to ex am i ni ng the re la ti on al c o n s t r u c t s they

identified. T he ref or e, their responses to these q u e s t i o n s

will be c o m b i n e d below.

WHAT LOVERS MEAN WHEN THEY SAY THEY ARE IN LO V E AND WHAT
THEY MEAN BY F AL LI NG IN LOVE

The first r e s e a rc h que st i o n a s k e d was "What does one who

is in love mean by saying s/he is in love?" The second

re s e a r c h q u e st i on was: "What does 'falling in love' me a n to

such a person?"

Com mo n r e s p o n s e s expressing the m e a n i n g s of love were

often found in the c a t e g o r y "love is. . ."R e sp on den ts

spoke in terms of r e l a t i o n a l constructs such as letting go

of control, needs fulfilled, re ci procity, bonding,

uniquene ss , and co mmi tm en t, in order to get to the meaning

55
of their own experience.

The ma tt er of gi vi ng up or being out of c o ntr ol was

especially prominent in the in te r v i e w s of three of the women

par t i c i p a n t s . Patti, 32, spoke often of her difficulty in

"letting go" when she fell in love with Paul. Her whole

interv ie w, in fact, cou ld be c h a r a c t e r i z e d as "The Story of

Patti's Letti ng Go of Contro l and Al lowing Herself to Love".

In her own words, she confessed:

I guess I had de ci de d in my head that

I was not going to fall in love. There
was just no way I was going to do
that. And so I wo ul d tell him that I
just want ed to have a casual affair
wi t h him, and I didn't want him to be
depe nd en t on me for his happiness, and
I fought it and fought it and fought
it .

Later, Paul gently tol d her to "just let go." She did, and

thus found herself in a c o m m i t t e d love relatio ns hip .

Emma, a 2 9 - ye a r - o l d involved in a c o m m i t t e d L e s b i a n

r e l a t io ns hi p, said:

I gu es s the w h o l e sense of falli ng is

of being out of control. When you're
not in control, you 'r e not jumping,
not jumping into love. . . I think
it's an issue of control, for me.

Marit, 36, t rie d to make sense of her ex pe ri e n c e like this:

. . . I believe that . . . ma yb e the

falling in love has to do wi th . . .
letting go of the self, and falling
into that re la tionship.

An ot he r construct, needs fulfilled, was a d d r e s s e d by

several p a r t i c i p a n t s who spoke of needs. 2 4 - y e a r - o l d Ray, a

56
qui et man who us e d his words carefu ll y, described it this

way :

A sudden reali zat io n. I really

sensed a need to see her again. Why
do I need her so much? Tha t' s how I
de te c te d I was fa lli ng in love.

Sue, a 29 -y e a r - o l d Lesbian, m u s e d ab ou t the way s she and

Jane fill each o t he r's needs:

It's also a nice feeli ng to know that

I can get what I need an d that she's
wi l li ng to give to me. We talk about
our needs -- w h e t h e r it's holding each
other, loving ea c h other, rubbi ng each
o t h er 's backs, or liste nin g to each
other when we've had a r o u g h day at
work -- things of that nature.

An ot h er construct, re cip ro ci ty , was e sp ec ia ll y well

addressed by two male homos ex ua ls . Calvin, 24, be li ev ed

"that true love has to be r e ci pro cal , i n fa t u a t i o n doesn't."

Blake, 26, also str ess ed his need for r e c i p r o c i t y in a true

love relation sh ip, when he said:

. . . to me, falli ng in love is not a

u ni la t e r a l thing. I do not say that
I've fal len in love wi t h someone who
does not love me. I say that I love,
or am in fat uated, or am attracted.
"In love" r eq u i r e s rec ip roc al , mutual
activity.

Patti c o n f i r m e d that r e c i p r o c i t y was one of the facto rs

which distinguished her r e l a t i o n s h i p wi t h Paul from other

re lat io ns hi ps , when she said this:

. . . [in p r e v i o u s relation sh ip s] I
was to t a ll y giv ing e v er yth ing , I felt
like I was alw ay s giving, giving,
giving. It's a real t w o- wa y thing
wit h Paul.

57
 Respondents so m e t i m e s spoke of love as a p a r t i c u l a r kind

of bond. Marit said:

. .love can in crease wi th trust,

and wi th sex, and wi th sharing, and
the bonding that goes w i t h loving.

Patti told me how she and Paul ta lk e d a b o u t their

relationship like this:

We have lots of c o n v e r s a t i o n s about

our r el at i ons hi p, and the way I see
the bond we have, I see the love, the
bond, that fe eli ng as. . . the image I
have of the bond, the love, is not one
with the re lat ion sh ip. It's a sort of
a basis, but not only a basis. The
re l a t i o n s h i p is this, and the love is
here [she used her hands to i l l u s t r a t e
the m o d e l ] , and it just sort of flows
up into it [the love rad iat es up from
the base into the level of the
relationship].

U ni qu en es s was a n o t h e r co n s t r u c t lovers t a l k e d about.

*
Most lovers felt that their own love experience was utterly

unique and special, an d they use d th ose wor ds repeatedly.

Calvin, who often f oun d it diffi cul t to talk p e rs o n a l l y

about his r e l a t i o n s h i p unl es s he was r e l a t i n g a story,

in ste ad rel ied on sweeping ge n er al iz at io ns :

. . . love is very excep ti ona l, b as ed

on the en er gi e s and p e r s o n a l i t i e s of
two very sp ecific people, and that
love is un i q ue unto itself, any love
is.

C om mi t me nt was a no t h e r c o n s t r u c t w h i c h e m e r g e d repeatedly.

22 - y e a r - o l d Joe, spoke of it like this:

That commitment. That feeli ng that

I'm glad she loves me and that I've

58
 c o m m i t t e d m y s e l f to her. With others,
it was a c o m m i t m e n t to not fool a r o u n d
w i t h any on e else, but more "give me
space, give me time w i t h my other
fr iends." But w i t h Mary I don't need
that extra space, I want to be wi t h
her all the time. I don't feel any
ne ed to be separate.

This study c o n f i r me d the r e por ts in the l i t e r a t u r e that

lovers see their relationship as u t te rl y unique, special,

different from any other. O f te n p a r t i c i p a n t s a d d r e s s e d this

construct simply by saying it was "d if f e r e n t from any

other," "special," or "unique." Chuck, 27, s p e c i f i e d the

fa ct or s that made his r e l a t i o n s h i p unique:

Also, we share our religion, Christ,

and t h a t ’s been a big part of our
re la tionship. B e c a u s e of that, it's
just been a very uniq ue rel ationship,
c o m p a r e d wi t h any other.

O th er constructs love rs m e n t i o n e d we r e security, p e a c e and

c o n te nt me nt , a cc ep tan ce , safety and p r o t ec ti on , sharing,

fulfillment or w h ol en ess , se lf lessness, trust, loss of self,

and intensity.

A sec on d way of ta lk in g a bo ut what the love e x p e r i e n c e

meant to th e m was by d es c ri bi ng p hy si ca l se nsa tio ns and

behaviors. The e x p e r i e n c e of "falling" a n d being in love

was de s c r i b e d in many ways. They d e s c r i b e d the unique

physiological s e n s a t i o ns w h i c h seem to a c c o m p a n y this kind

of love, an d they spoke of their rom ant ic b e h av io rs w h i c h

are our soc iety's norms for "being in love."

The sc re eni ng questionnaire (Appendix A:2), wi t h its list

59
of p o s s i b l e feelings, such as " b u t t e r f l i es in the stomach,"

en co u r a g e d several respondents to talk ab ou t those feelings.

Lisa, one of the p i l o t interviewees, a c t u a l l y ad ded several

physiological f a ct ors to the list in the screening

qu es tio nn ai re. In fact, all the "symptoms" offered in the

screening q u e s t i o n n a i r e were a n s w e r e d by three or more

subjects -- symptoms such as a feeling like an electric

shock when to uch in g or being to uc h e d by the beloved,

warmness in the heart, an ache in the stomach. A few

subjects ad ded their own symptoms, such as n e r vo us ne ss or

"the jitters," an ache or pain in the thr oa t (as well as the

stomach or the heart).

Those sub jec ts w h o s e "just fallen" state was p r es en t or in

the recent past were eager to talk a b o u t those feelings.

Sue, a 29 -y e a r - o l d L e s b i a n b e g in ni ng a long-distance

relatio ns hip , described it like this:

Having that big empty feeling ins id e -

- that sad and pa in fu l feeling about
leaving her. . . When she told me that
she had b u t t e r f l i e s and was really
e xc it ed about my calling her back and
told me that I shou ld def in it el y come
to see her, it just e n ha nc ed that
feeling and ma de the pain go away and
turn into happiness.

24 -y ea r- ol d Rachel c o i n e d a new wo r d to de sc r i be the feeling

in her heart:

Even just he ari ng his voice, my heart

w o u ld go, "ka-tunk, ka-tunk, ka -tunk,
ka-tu nk ," even when the p ho ne wo ul d
ring, my heart w o u l d start going "ka-
tunk, ka-tunk, ka -tunk, k a - tu nk ,"

60
 think ing it mig ht be him.

Lisa, full of words to des c ri be her love, said:

As I go about my day, I just happen to

fl ash on how w e ' r e together, and
[what] I p h y s i c a l l y feel then is a
warmth, that starts in my heart, and
it just goes t h r o u g h my body.

Participants d e s c r i b e d this "falling in love" stage as

fil le d with romantic behaviors. Dan en joy ed sweeping Annie

off her feet.

I like the ro m a nc e things. . . I enjoy

romance. I get a real kick out of
taking her flowers, taking her out to
dinner.

Calvin, too, loved to be the romantic.

I like to ri t u al iz e love a lot. I do

really little things. So me tim es you
just get this glee when you're aro un d
the other person, a n d you kn o w the y' d
like this specific thing. Like in the
morning, I'll wr it e a little messa ge
to him on the mirror. Flowers,
sometimes, on special occasions.

Some found no way to make sense of the e x pe ri en ce except

simply to des cribe t he ir behaviors. Marit re p o r t e d her

c ha ng ed be ha v io r like this:

I u su a l l y smile a lot . . . and I've

been told that I glow a lot. . . I
walk down the hall and p e op le that I
work w i t h say I'm glowing, or I'm
bo unc ing or something.

Se ver al subjects d e s c r i b e d their "falling" in i t i al ly as a

very po w e r f u l instant at tr ac ti on . M ar it sound ed a s t o n i s h e d

as she said, "It was not very gradual. We're talking

in st ant ly !" Blake said,

61
 Gosh, it was pr et t y quick. I think I
knew that I loved Steve the first
evening I met him. . . I was aware of
a p h y si ca l att rac ti on , as well as an
i nte ll e c t ua l and em ot ion al yea rni ng to
know more a bo ut this individual.

Many r e s p o nd en t s were still fresh in the "fa lling in love"

stage, some were just out of it, some were holding onto it

as long as they p o ss ib ly could, and their descriptions could

be m i x e d and sh uf f l e d and a s c r i b e d to each other in many

cases. They all tal ke d ab ou t those special, palpable

physical/emotional sensations; and they all had e x p l a n a t i o n s

of their early and c o n t i n u e d a t t r a c t i o n to the beloved.

A l t h o u g h a few did not c o n s i d e r themselves to be romantics,

traditional el em en ts of ro man ce were pr es en t in those

r e l a t i o n s h i p s as well.

A th ir d way of ta lki ng about the m e ani ng of being or

f a ll in g in love was th r o u g h the use of f i g u r a t i v e or

metaphorical language, as r e s p o n d e n t s sought to put the

undescribable into words. From Patti 's d e s cr ip ti on of love

as a "snowball," w h i ch grew and grew as it roll ed in ex or ab ly

down the mo un ta ins id e, out of control, to Emma's ex t e n s i v e

me t a p h o r of growi ng seeds, su bj e c ts fo und t h em se l v e s

spe aking in f i g ur at i ve terms, whi le strugg lin g to make

la nguage fit an e xp er i e n c e for w h i c h we have no language.

Emma us e d this m e t a ph o r to ex pla in true love:

Well, it's sort of like sowing seeds.

And the seed of in fa t u a t i o n has a
shall ow layer of soil there, the root
syst em is not deep, and the p l a n t can

62
 grow and f l o u r i s h for a while, but
will e v e nt u a l l y die, it doesn 't take
root and live for a long time. It's a
shallo w system. It can look like a
healthy pl an t for a while.

But real, true love takes a c o n s c i o u s

plac e of plan tin g, so that r oo ts can
go down deep. It takes care and
concern, like wat er in g and weeding,
and feeding the plant. . . In f a t u a t i o n
often just takes root and starts
growing, bef ore you've had time to
think about w h e r e it should be
planted.

And Calvin, the 2 4 - y e a r - o l d writer, us e d litera ry fi g u r es of

speech to des cri be the d e v el op me nt of his love.

I kin d of be lie ve in a ce rt ai n
fo r e s h a d o w i n g of events, i m p or ta nt
events. C e r t a i n thi ng s that ha p pe n a
year or so ah ead of something, be cau se
of that event, you realiz e why those
events stuck in your mind. Wi t h Matt
it was very m u c h a case of that
[foreshadowing].

E xp re ss in g the i n e x p r e s s i b l e is a d i f f i cu lt task, and

several p a r t i c i p a n t s appeared frustrated by trying to impose

language on an o v e r w h e l m i n g l y n o n v e r b a l experience. So,

they speak of cons tru cts , of their behaviors and ph ys ica l

symptoms, and they speak in analo gi es, m e t a p h o r s and other

vivid, f i g ur at i ve language, in order to bring it to

an ot he r' s w o r l d of experience, to be able to share the

wo nd er of it.

HOW DOES ONE D E S C R I B E A "MAGICAL" LO V E EX PE RI EN CE ?

The third re s e a r c h q u e s t i o n was: "If love was, indeed, a

'magical' experience, how is it described, c h a r a c te ri ze d? "

63
 The an sw er s to this q u e s t i o n fell into many categories,

cu ll ed from the en t i re interview. No p a r t i c u l a r que sti on

y i e l d e d m u l ti p le references to the "magic.” Rather,

r e f e r e n c e s to "magic" em erg ed t hr ou gh ou t the entire

interview. Words such as "a ma zement," "magic,".and

"uncanny" only begin to des cr ib e that sense of awe and

won de r at this p h e n o m e n o n g r e a t e r than oneself. Lis a' s

"Isn't it ama zing?" was one kind of response. Patti had

another:

We talk about how un can ny it is that

we fit so well, coming from diff er ent
sides of the world. Paul sort of sees
his whole life as having been w a it in g
for me. And he's been looking and
looking and looking for years. And we
found that we have in fact c r o s s e d
paths, been at the same pa r t i es
tog et he r sometimes, etc.

For many re sp o n d e n t s it was diff ic ul t to pr e c i s e l y

des cr ib e the experience, and several p a r t i c i p a n t s a p p e a r e d

f r u s t r a t e d by trying to impose language on an o v e r w h e l m i n g l y

n o n v er ba l experience. Some f o u n d it easier to d e s c r i be what

they did rather than how they felt or what they were

experiencing as a process. M ar it re p o r t e d the d i f f e r e n c e in

her behavior:

I us ua ll y smile a lot. . . and I've

been told that I gl ow a lot. . . I
walk down the hall and peo pl e that I
work wi t h say I'm glo wing, or I'm
bou nc in g or something.

S ub j e c t s f r e q u en t ly fo un d t h e m s e l v e s at a loss for words.

They often simply loo ked out the window, held long pauses,

64
or loo ke d h e l pl e s s l y at the i n te rv ie we r. Dan spoke for many

whe n he said "It's hard to put this into words, for one

t h i n g ."

Those who spoke dir ec tl y of the "magic" simply used that

word or (men especially) [used] w or ds such as "elect ri cit y"

or "c he mistry." Sue e xt e nd ed the "magic" of the

relationship to "magic" for the re la tio ns hip .

It also feels nice to be able to play

with the magic that I t a l k e d about
earlier, such as c o m m u n i c a t i n g with
her -- sending her m es sa ge s ab ou t my
love for her w i t ho ut t e l e p ho ne or
letter in the mid dl e of the day. . .
saying "I'm w i t h you right now and I
hear you and I feel you," and she
pi c ks up on that at the same time.

Calvin, r e m e m b e r i ng the early stages of being in love, spoke

of his fear of losing the magic:

I was just real ly scared. I was

af ra i d that what was happening, this
magic, w ou ld just die, in the m i d d l e
of July, and he would have stayed, and
I did n't want to be re sp onsible.

Some respondents, even t h ou gh they had e x p e r i e n c e d a

somewhat "magical" stage of love, were too p r a ct ic al to call

it that. Instead, the co nce pt was one of o t h e r - w o r l d l i n e s s ,

e x p r e s s e d here by Christine. At 26, Christine was a

ba s i c a l l y p r a c t i c a l sort of pe rs o n who see me d somewhat

e m b a r r a s s e d about her o u t - o f - c o n t r o l in-lov e "phase." She

d e s c r i b e d it like this:

. . . [falling in love is] falling

out of reality, and you 'r e sort of in
anothe r w o r 1 d for a while, a n d if you

65
 get e v e ry th i ng together, then you come
back to reality, back to the world,
together.

In a d d i ti o n to r e s p o n s e s in the in terview, the screening

questionnaire effectively found peo pl e to i n t e r v i e w who had

e x p e r i e n c e d love in that intense, m y st eri ous , "magical" way.

Half the in te r v i e w e d su bj ec ts fi nished the se ntence in the

screening questionnaire "I am in love. . ." w i t h "madly,

total ly ." Half also reported that love happened, this time,

"i n s t a n t l y ."

The i n t e r v i e w e d su bj e c t s c o n f e s s e d to having many of the

f e e l i n g s or "s ymptoms" of love listed in the scr eening

que st i o n n a i re , such as "but te rfl ie s," an ach e in the pit of

the stomach, trembling, warmth in the heart, and euphoria.

Additionally r e sp on de nt s, particularly the hete ros exu als ,

re p o r t e d c o m m e nt s fr i e nd s and family made, no ti c i n g or

t e as in g about c e r ta i n be haviors, such as: "your head's in

the clo uds," "you're a l w a y s distracted, th in k i ng about

her/him." Fully t w o - t h i r d s of the r e s p o n d e n t s re po r t e d that

pe op l e had said "you seem so m u c h happier lately."

The d if fi cu l t y of exp re ss in g, in words, the m a g i c a l and

mysterious e x p e r ie n ce of f a lli ng in love was a p pa re nt as

participants st r u g g l e d to d e s c r i be it, im me rs in g th em s e l v e s

in the rec ent past an d a t t e m p t i n g to recov er the feelings,

to relive the m o m e n t s the r e s e a r c h e r a s k e d about.

THE AT T RI B U T E S OF "MAGICAL" LO V E

The f ou r t h r e s e a r c h q u e s ti on a sk ed "What are the

66
attributes of this ki n d of 'magical' love?" Some

re s p o n d e n t s a n s w e r e d this q u e s t i o n by de sc r i b i n g important

par ts of love, r el at io na l cons tru cts , such as comfort,

co n te nt men t, security, intimacy. A d d i t i on al ly, they

a d d r e s s e d a long list of emot io nal r e s p o ns es and fe e l i n g s

w h i c h c h a r a c t e r i z e d th ei r state of being. They also talked

a bo ut a great many ph ys ic al b e h a v io rs -- tou chi ng and

gazing, for e xa mp le -- wh ic h i n d ic at ed their love. Their

descriptions were fil le d wi t h vivid, fi gu r a t i v e language,

m e t a p h o r an d analogy.

Severa l r e l a t i on al constructs e m e r g e d fr om responses.

Nea rl y all p a r t i c i p a n t s r e la te d that this love e x pe ri en ce

was one of comfort, serenity, security. Several respondents

spoke of their e xtr eme c o m f o r t wi th the beloved. The

participant observation notes from Emma's i n t er vi ew show

that she said "a sense of comfort" wi t h "finality." Dan

said "peaceful. I feel really at p ea ce w i t h myse lf and wit h

her." Christine called it "calmness." Lisa said, "I just

feel re ally c on t e n t an d pe ac e f u l an d f u lfi ll ed" every day

now.

Joe made exp li ci t his sense of relief and security in this

excerpt:

It feels good. Secure. It's a

relief, too. When you 'r e single
you' r e a l w a y s on the prowl, you don't
want to be, but you feel you have to
be, or else you'll be lonely.

Patti and Marit bo th used the word "secure." The c o n c e p t of

67
the be lo v ed as a safe harbor -- safe, secure, and calm, was

a common one.

Anothe r way p a r t i c i p a n t s spoke of the a t t r i b u t e s of love

was by d esc rib in g their feelings. Participants ex pr es se d

m any p o si ti v e fe el in g s -- "warm and c o m p l e t e a n d po sitive,"

says Blake, "which, in t e r e s t i n g l y enough, are like the

fee lings about myself when I'm doing well. . ."

Mike spoke of a "happy, jovial ki n d of feel in g," w h er ei n

he felt "worthy, wanted. I have fe el i n g s of gr ea t joy."

Marit used the wo rds "e nj oy me nt and pl easure. . . the

fu ll n e s s of [the r e l a t i o n s h i p ] ."

Chad, 27, l au gh ed w i t h pleasure, saying "I like it . . .

it's f u lf il li ng. " L is a ' s great e n j o y m e n t of her

r e l a t i o n s h i p was e x p r e s s e d as "I really L I K E liking someone

that much, that feels great !" Joe said w i t h great

enthusiasm, "Oh, yeah. It's that feeli ng that this person

is the best one for me. As long as I keep her, I'll be

h a p p y ."

Not all fe el i n g s a s s o c i a t e d with this state were positive.

Many p a r t i c i p a n t s t a l k e d about their fears, a b o u t how

"scary" it was to be this vulnerable. In addition,

ambivalent fe el in gs -- the lover's ex pe r i e n c i n g both agony

a n d ecsta sy -- was e x p e c t e d from the li te rature, and emerg ed

clearly. Sue e x p r e s s e d the fe el i n g s of several r e s p on de nt s

when she remarked:

I like it [being in l o v e ] 1 I wi sh

68
 that she were here right now. It's
very special an d scary at the same
time. . . It's o v e r w h e l m i n g to talk
a bout these th in g s in a real joyous
way — it's s o m e ti m e s scary.

T ho se able to speak a bo ut their a m b i v a l e n c e of feelin g to

the beloved, such as Patti to Paul, re p o r t e d saying

"Well, I love you, and I'm really scared ab ou t it." This

a m b i v a l e n c e was evide nt both in the subjects' fee lin gs

and in their d e s c r i p t i o n s of behaviors. Observation

notes from Lisa's interview say:

Su bj ect o b v i o u sl y is r e m i n d e d of the
d eli ca te ba lan ce she e x p e r i e n c e d in
trying not to show how in love she
was, how i n t e r e s t e d she was, while
still trying to get to know the
beloved.

A phenomenon characteristic of the ro ma nt ic lover is

id e a l i z a t i o n of the b el o v e d by those who are " h e a d -o ve r-

heels" in love. The "magic" w a s h e s over the beloved,

col or in g her be au tif ul and t a l e n t e d and charming. Lisa was

es pe c i a l l y verbal a b o u t her p e r c e p t i o n s of lover Jamie.

How did I deser ve this person? She's

so divinel. . . I still look at her,
and I still think she's a b s o l u t e l y
beautiful. I still have never seen
a n y b o d y ever, in the four years that
w e've been to gether, that I have that
re a ct io n to -- that th in k i n g she's the
mos t beautiful, and that she's
a b s o l u t e l y the one.

From the first day she saw Jamie, Lisa felt o b s e s s e d by

her.

Drivi ng home, I kept saying to Betsy,

"Oh, she's sooooo wo nd er f ul ." . And I

69
 kn o w I was just o b s e s s ed all the way
home. I c o u l d n ' t think of a ny th in g
else and I w o u l d say, "Rem em ber when
she said. . .?" I r e m e m b e r e d all the
details, how funny her jokes were. . .
a nd I kept saying to Betsy, "What am I
going to do? What am I doing to do?"

Four years later, at the time of the i nt er vi ew , she

reflected:

Every time I look at her, it's like

the first time. . . I can't get over
it .

Rach el also spoke at len gt h about how wo n d e r f u l and

amazing K e i th was. His p e r f e c t i o n was part of the

m a r v e l o u s n e s s of their r el at io ns hi p, which she c h a r a c t e r i z e d

as "a lot more caring. Not selfish." She then went on to

des c r i b e K e i th this way:

K e i th is not se lfi sh at all, he's very

giving, and w ant s to ple as e me. And
he's really, rea ll y tender.

When Rachel first told K ei th how m u c h she loved him, she

e x p r e s s e d her a d m i r a t i o n as well:

“ I love you b e ca us e you 'r e so on top

of e v er yth in g." 'Cause you know, he
really has his act together. He's on
top of e v e ry t h i n g all the time. An d I
was really surprised, ki n d of, by how
on top of e v e r y t h i n g he was.

Finally, the a t t r i b u t e s of magical, ro mantic love included

ph y s i c a l facto rs such as to uc h i n g and being t o u c h e d by the

beloved, scents, mutual eye gaze -- facto rs the literature

says show how the senses are enhanced, mo r e pr ominent, more

sensitive, he ig htened. One r e s p o n d e n t e s p e c i a l l y m e n t i o n e d

70
that the be l o ve d s me ll ed good. From Lisa 's interview:

. . . and she smells good [subject

g i g g l e s ] . . . a n d I think those are
really im p o rt a nt thin gs for me. I
think my b a c k g r o u n d is really o r i e n t e d
to the aesth et ic . My pa r e n t s are
artists, and Ja mi e' s an artist, and
when I cook, thi ng s have to be
beautiful, and smell just right. . .

When it came to p h y s i c a l factors, however, most subjects

t a l k e d ab out to uc hi ng an d holding the beloved. Marit said

"we both like spending a lot of time to uc h i ng and

ca r e ss in g. " Rachel had w a r m t h o u g h t s of their times

together:

A f t e rw a rd [after s e x ] , you know, he'll

just lie there for ten m i n u t e s or so,
just holding me. He alw ay s does that.
Lots of times we just lie there on the
bed, sn uggling a n d cud dl in g a lot.

Emma a d d r e s s e d the importance of the p h y s ic al co nt ac t in

more a bs tr a ct terms. "Just having that pe r s o n a r o u n d you .

. having that 'fix,' e m o ti on al ly and ph ys ica lly , is really

important." Ca lv in said, "T he re' s this em ot io na l component/

that I really want to be w i t h him, that's more impo rt an t

[then s e x ] ." Mike said, "I am more co n t e nt and even e x c i t e d

by holding, touching, taking naps t og et he r. "

Lisa re l a t e d much a bo ut their touching, and I n o t i c e d that

there were long he si t a t i o n s in her n a r r a t i v e when she talked

about holdin g Jamie.

Lots more tou ch in g now. I feel

e x t r e me ly nurtured, w i t h small touch es
and p ec ks on the che ek s often
th ro ug h o u t the day. Not just when

71
 you're f e el in g sexual, but just a
n u r t u r i ng touch, so mething Jamie has
never had. Just this sort of
n u r tu rin g we give one a n o t h e r m a k e s it
di f f e r e n t .

Most respondents said that this love was d i f fe re nt or

special in the way they e x p re ss ed t h e m s e l v e s sexually. Lisa

feels "fine abo ut saying no to sex, without feeling the

pr e s s u r e I used to feel from my male par te rs ."

For some, sexual in ti ma c y is a small p a r t of their love.

Dan said,

And ours is . . . [emb ar ras sed

l a u g h t e r ] . . . we feel close, and sex
is a be a u ti f ul thing. An d we
p u r p o s e f u l l y built our r e l a t i o n s h i p
a par t from that, so we 'r e not just a
c o m b i n a t i o n of our sexual desires, and
b ec aus e of that, I think, we can keep
things in a bet te r persp ec tiv e.

Ray said that sex was only

a small part, it's a sharing pa rt of

love w h i c h c o m p l e t e s it for us, w h i c h
is very good, but it's only a pa r t of
how we e xp r e s s our love.

Patti f oun d herse lf in a new place, sexually, with Paul.

Her belief, befo re Paul, was that sex should a l w a y s be

exciting, and if it isn't, then s o m et hi ng was wrong with

her.

We're ex p l or in g that, and lea rning

a bou t each other, and I think that in
time, for me to know what my sexual
life is and wh a t ours is together. . .
becau se mine was so t o tal ly s cr ewe d up
for so many years. . . I look back.
When I was ma rr ie d, I use d sex like
other p e o p le use alcohol. The same
thing I did w i t h eating. My body

72
 didn't know what was going on.

Now Patti says that ma ki n g love is givi ng eac h other a

"charge," a ki nd of "renewi ng ."

For others, sex was still very central. Ma ri t said, "I'm

hot when I'm with h i m l " Emma is a very r e f l e c t i v e person,

and her long pa u s es showe d me she was t h i n k i n g a lot about

this q u e s t io n wh e n she said:

W e ’re very ac ti v e sexually. I think

we reali ze when w e'v e been away, been
busy, been i n v o l v e d in new
ci rc um s ta nc e s , that we miss that a
lot. It's an in ti mac y that we very
m u c h enjoy and is very m u c h a part of
who we are.

The lit er a tu re on n o n v e r b a l c o m m u n i ca ti on , and esp ec ia ll y

the love literature, a ss e r t s the i m po rt an ce of m u tu a l eye

gaze be tw een loving couples. The r e s p o n d e n t s in this study

were no exception. Marit, re co un ti ng the early days of

their rel ationship, said:

I n o t i c e d [remembered, looking back]

after that, that we had spent time
talking in the h a l l w a ys and stuff, and
I had a real hard time becau se his eye
conta ct was real intense. And I found
mys elf f ee lin g like I'd ki n d of trip
over my shoes, and look at the ceilin g
and the walls a lot. I th oug ht that
m ayb e t he re we r e a few things going on
there that I hadn't been payi ng
at te n ti on to.

Mike a t t r i b u t e s his k n o w i n g this was the right p e r s o n to the

"magic" of the eye gaze.

Oh, yeah. T h e r e are many peo pl e more

a t t r a c t i v e than Joel. It [love] has
to come — it's somet hin g in the eyes,

73
 when the eyes meet and t r a n s c e n d --
there are a lot of peo pl e who looked
at me, and I c ou ld have fallen in
love, but I didn't.

Sue, in the early stages of a love re lat ion sh ip, th oug ht

a bou t the b e l o v e d and her re ac t i o n to Sue's intensity.

It must be o v e r w h e l m i n g to have me „
gazing into her eyes -- my face
touc hi ng hers -- e s pe c i a l l y when she's
not used to baring her soul to someone
else.

Lisa r e c o u n t e d that the fi rs t time she and Jamie rea ll y had

i m p or ta nt time together, they drank wine and "stared at each

other for three hours!"

The vivid, fig ur at iv e language r e s p o n d e n t s use d to

des cri be their love e x p e r i e n c e s was b r oug ht into play when

they spoke of the q u a l it i e s and a t t r i b u t e s of love. Dan

spoke of love as an investment:

And I w a nt e d to make an investment, I

was making an i n v e s t m e n t there. It's
like p u t ti ng your money into stocks,
c heck ing to see how it's doing, and
it's doing well, and I decide, "Okay,
I'll buy a l o t . "

Lis a's voice became very soft when she spoke a bo ut the

safety she felt wi t h Jamie:

Anot he r thing I feel is that our

r e l a t i o n s hi p is a p r o t e c t e d space,
that even when it's tight an d tough,
ther e' s such love and p r o t e c t i o n in
it, our bond re a l ly does seem to
pr o te ct us.

Emma br oug ht in a sea image when she ta lk e d of the ch a n g e s

that the r e l a t i o n s h i p went through:

74
 But so me ti me s it's just co mf ort abl e.
It ebbs and flows, and not to panic
when it ebbs and get out of the
rel ati ons hi p, but to stay wi t h it.

And Calv in br oug ht up an o t he r visual images

The w h o le t a p e s t r y of how it's [the

relationship] gone, it's really rich.

Love as a gift, the bl in dn es s of fa lli ng in love, time

"w ea th er i ng out things in the re la t i o n s h ip " -- all these

wa ys of descri bin g the impo rt ant aspects of their love

r e l a t i o n s h i p were easi ly spoken. The e x p e r i e n c e of a

power ful , emot ion al experience apparently allows us to tap

into our cre at iv e p r o c e s s e s and e x p r e s s o u r s e l v e s in vivid

language, to make comparisons and a n a l o g i e s that expres s our

fee li ng s better than spi tting out words, probably

no nex is te nt , which accurately de sc r i b e the r e ali ty of the

experience.

The a t t r i b u t e s of this "magical" love are rich and varied,

and real p eo p l e in love talk a bo ut them, just as the w r ite rs

on rom an t ic love sp eci fy the feelings, the co ns tru ct s, the

behaviors. Peo ple in love love to tell o t h e r s about their

e x p e r i e n c e -- it helps to make it real, to keep it present,

to bring the "magic" into their daily lives.

THE D IM EN S IO NS AND ELE ME NT S OF "MAGICAL" LOVE

The f if th and last r e s e a r c h q u es ti on was "What are the

di me n s i o n s and e l e m e n t s of this kind of love?"

In what was i d e n t i f i e d in C h ap te r I as the extant

t he or i z i n g on the d i m en si o n s of rom ant ic love, this study

75
f oun d the follo win g "d im e n si on s: "

. eq ual it y or r e ci pr o cit y;

. in te nsi ty of feeling;

. pleasure, happiness;

. commitment;

. the t i m e l e s s n e s s of the p r e s e n t moment;

. authenticity and truth;

. attachment;

. a t t r a c t i o n and passion;

. i de a l i z a t i o n of the beloved;

. predisposition to help the beloved.

What the lit er at u re cal ls the " d i s t i n g u is hi ng

characteristics" of love also e m e r g e d from the i n t e r v i e w s —

the a p pa re nt "re cog nit io n" of each other by lovers on a

pr ofound, int uit ive level; the desire for i n se pa rab ili ty;

and attachme nt.

The li t er a t u r e c i t e d a great many "elements" of ro ma nti c

love, such as a state of in ternal c on fl ic t and d ep en de nc y or

the "urge to merge" w i t h the beloved. Sever al elements have

al re ad y been r e po r te d in this chapter, such as i d e a l i z a t i o n

of the beloved, tendern ess , an d the state of int ern al

co nflict, of p le a s u r e and pain.

These dimensions, characteristics and e l em en ts are

extensively overlapping, and ma n y have a l rea dy been

a d d r e s s e d above. The re ma in de r of this ch apt er will be

d ev ote d to c l a ri f yi ng overlapping dim en si on s and elements,

76
and ex pla in ing those e l e m e n ts not yet a dd res se d.

First, let us c o n s i d e r those items c o n s i d e r e d "dimensions"

by the literature. The power dimension, or equality

ne c e s s a r y for lovers, seems to have been br o u g ht out by

those lovers who spoke of the n e c es si ty for reciprocity.

Ad di ti on al ly, the interview transcriptions show that most

respondents showed eq ua lit y in the f r e q u e n c y and degree to

w h i c h they spoke ab out their love for ea c h other (see

i n t e rv i e w q u e s t i o n s #6, 7, and 25 in A p p e n d i x D).

The inte nsi ty of f ee li ng was not only m e n t i o n e d by lovers,

but was also a pp a r e n t to the r e s e ar ch er as an elemen t of the

interviews. Respondents showed in t e n s i t y in their voices,

in the c o n c e n t r a t i o n w i t h w h i c h they r e l i v e d the m e m o r i e s of

their first m ee t i n g s and first e x p r e s s i o n s of love, and in

the e n t h u s i a s m wi t h w h i c h they g r e e t e d each question, as an

o p po rt u n it y to e x p e r i e n c e again those m o m e n t s of pa ss io n and

bli s s .

The e x p r e s s i o n of p l e a s u r e and h a p p i n e s s was ev er y w h e r e

apparent, even in those co upl es such as Blake and Steve who

were having serious p r o b l e m s w i t h their r e l a t i o n s h i p at the

time of the interview.

Co mm it m e n t was a te r m used by most res pon de nt s, a l th ou gh

their de fi n i t i o n s of it may have varied. For Calvin,

co m m i t m e n t is the resu lt of wh a t he c a l l e d the "imperative"

of being in love. Emma and Donna e v en t u a l l y came to a formal

c om mi tm en t, eventually a marriage ceremony, after several

77
mon t h s of c oup le s counseling. Dan said, "I am ma ki n g a

total co mm it me nt, totally." C h r is ti ne and Geo rg e' s

ex pe r i e n c e was r e m ar k a b l e in that their first e x p r e s s i o n of

love didn't come until they both kn e w in their mi nd s and

hear ts that a lif eti me c o m m i t m e n t was cal le d for.

We didn't really say we were in love

until we got engaged. We didn't just
say were in love. By the time I would
ve r b al iz e that I was in love, I me an t
that I w a nt e d to get married, to stay
wi t h him for the rest of my life. And
Geor ge felt the same way a bo ut it.

Alb e r o n i (1980) spoke of love's r e q u i r e m e n t s for

authenticity and truth, and this e le me nt was best e x p r e s s e d

by E m m a :

[Love is] a de si re for that p e r s o n to

speak the t rut h to me. And help me
grow up to, to be open to that truth
that she speaks. And a r e s p o n s i b i l i t y
to be able to speak the t r u t h to her,
too.

At t a c h m e n t is a c o n c e p t v a r i o u s l y d e fi ne d in the

literature, which is c e r t a i n l y a s s u m e d in a love

rel at io ns hi p, but was not n e c e s s a r i l y e x p r e s s e d in the

int er views, as it is a co n s t r u c t d ef in ed by theor is ts, not

by lovers.

A t t r a c t i o n and p a s s i o n were p r e s e n t in all the lovers

inter vie we d, even when they m a i n t a i n e d that pa ss io n

expressed through sexual be ha v i o r was a mi no r p a r t of the

relationship or no longer of ma jo r importance.

The p r e d i s p o s i t i o n to help the b e l o v e d was e x p r e s s e d in

78
several ways. Rachel spoke at le n g t h ab ou t how her daily

life is di ff ere nt now, because of the th in g s she and K ei th

do for one another.

I tell him every day that I love him.

I tell him every day that he's
handsome. And I tell him this stuff
every day, you know. It just k i n d of
slips out. I don't want him to ever
think that I take him for granted.

Mike also a d d r e s s e d this issue:

When you love someone, y o u' re going to

support them, c ha ll eng e them, rem ai n
with them t h r o u g h di ff iculties.

Two of the el em e nt s the l i te ra t u r e calls the

"distinguishing characteristics" of the in-lo ve state were

well d o c u m e n t e d in th i s study. The a p p a r e n t "recog ni ti on "

of lover and b el ov e d was r e v e a l e d by Patti when she told how

Paul had been "waiting for me" his w h o l e life - - " l o o k i n g an d

looking and looking [for me] for years ." Rachel said:

I just think that K e i t h and I were

really made for each other, I really
do.

A no t h e r distinguishing characteristic, the desire for

ins ep ar a bi li t y, or the "urge to merge, " was everywhere!

Ch r i s t i n e revealed it wh e n she was e x p l a i n i n g how she and

Ge or ge have "p rin cip les " they live by -- such as: "We don't

want to live apart, ever." Dan r e po rt ed i n t e r a c t i o n s wit h

Annie like this:

We do say thin gs like, "I don't want

to be away fr om you." She's leaving
for nine days tomorrow, and I'm going,
"A a a a a g g g g g g g h h h h h h h ! "

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 Rachel said it this way:

K ei th and I are to ge t h er almost all

the time. It's n ev er enough, you
know?

Th ose themes c o n s i d e r e d "elements" of love were also

plentiful in the interview data, such e l e m e n t s as the

int e r n a l co nfl ic t — the p a r a d o x of feelin g and behavior,

the c o n f l ic t i ng fee li ng s -- e x p r e s s e d in va r i o u s ways; the

f a n t a si e s s ur ro un di ng the beloved, o ft en e x p r e s s e d as

idealizing s tat em ent s a bo u t the beloved, or abo ut the

future; and, of course, pa ss i o n and arousal. O t he r ele men ts

list ed in the l i t er at u re are i l l u s t r a t e d by exa mp le s below.

The des ir e for in ti ma cy was sta te d well by Emma:

Part of being in love, for me, is that

feeling of being able to be intimate,
to share my fe elings, to be right or
wrong.. . . the w i l l i n g n e s s to be
v ul ne r ab le to someone. . .

Donna is also my dear friend, but

there 's a d i f f e re n t quali ty in my love
r el a t i o n s h i p w i t h her. This is a
lover r el at io nsh ip , not just a
friendship. The fe el i n g s that you
share wit h someone when you become
lovers is very m u c h a pa r t of our
re lat io nsh ip , and pr et t y central to
it, too, I think.

Car in g and t e n d e r n e s s we r e e x p r e s s e d by all p a r t i ci pa nt s.

Dan said that he and Annie talk about loving and liking,

ab ou t trust, caring, a n d ap pr ec iat ion . Rac he l m e n t i o n e d

K e i t h ’s i nc re di ble te nd er n e ss , something she may not have

e x p e c t e d fr o m a 6-foot, 6-in ch football player.

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 Eup hor ia was i d e n t i f i e d by many of the p a r t i c i p a n t s in the

sc r ee ni ng quesionnaire. Other p a r t i c i p a n t s gi g g l e d and

la u g h e d e m b a r r a s s e d l y throughout their interviews.

H a p pi ne s s and bliss we r e p r e s e n t on their faces and in their

voices.

"Love o v e r c o m e s all ba rriers" is a n o t h e r el eme nt oft en

identified in the literature. Those who found that love can

overcome all social c o n s t r a i n t s were both he t e r o s e x u a l and

homosexu al . Patti, in love wi t h a m a r r i e d man, found his

undivorced state d i f fi cu lt to cope with, but ev en t u a l l y

de ci de d to co mm i t herself to him even if his wife c o n t i n u e d

to put o b s t a c l e s in the p a t h of a divorce.

Calvin, a ho mos exual, was p a r t i c u l a r l y elo que nt on the

social c o n s e q u e n c e s of loving Matt.

After seeing the movie Cr i me s of the

H e a r t , I was so de pressed, I just
wa nt ed to go home and be wi t h him,
b e ca us e it seems like a lot of stuff
tha t' s in the world. . • has to do
wi t h being a n c h o r e d to other people.
And being a homosexual, not being
p a r t i c u l a r l y a n c h o r e d to my family,
b e cau se most of my fam il y do esn 't know
[I'm a h o m o s e x u a l ] , I just feel like
here is my home. . .with this pe r so n
[subject w ee ps and sighs] who
understands.

Emma, unexpectedly in love w i t h a w o m a n w hi le a l m o s t e n ga ge d

to a man, fo un d herself c o n f r o n t e d w i t h a whole series of

p r o b l e m s when she r e a l i z e d she was in love wi t h Donna.

At that mo me n t there was this

r e a l i z a t i o n that I did n' t wa n t her to
leave and that I was in love w i t h her.

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 . . All t h r o u g h it there was this
kind of e mb ar ras sm ent . We thought,
"My God, we 're in love, and women
ar en ' t s u p po se d to do these ki nd s of
things." All these stereot yp ic
reactions. But it was really hard to
o v e r c o m e that in some ways.

Later, Emma talked about how this c o m p l i c a t e d their lives --

they were both i n v o l v e d w i t h men at the time — and how

unreal it some tim es see me d to them. Emma's p r o f e s s i o n has

been a big factor in her de cision not to "come out" as a

Lesbian, but she is still strongly c o m m i t t e d to a life with

Donna as life partner.

I be lie ve that it takes a lot of work

and com mit me nt. And that a m a r r i a g e
and that c o m m i t m e n t affor ds you a
chance to gr ow spi ri tu al ly and
emoti ona lly , like no other
r e l a t i o n sh i p I know about. Just
having that c o m m o n history, it's a
real blessing.

Thus, all th ose dimensio ns, el em ent s and c h a r a c t e r i s t i c s

of romantic love i d e n t i f i e d by novelists, ps yc ho l o g i s t s , and

social sci en ti st s over the years are, in fact, e x p r e s s e d by

real peo pl e in the th ro es of love, eager to share their

expe rie nce s, finding the language so me wha t limiting, but

express ing , n e ve rt he le ss , the common tr u th s ab ou t the

ex pe r i e n c e of fa lli ng in love.

O T H E R FINDINGS

At the end of the st ru c t u r e d interview, the r e s e ar ch er

a s k e d the r e s p o n d e n t s what else they had to say, what might

have been left out, and a lso what wer e th eir re ac ti on s to

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the questions. R e s p o n d e n t s were us u a l l y grateful for the

opportunity to bring some c l osu re to the interview, to

expa nd on items they had been th in k i n g about, and to add

i nt er e s t i n g points. Blake, for instance, su gg est ed that we

ask q u e s t i o n s about their dreams, and went on to el u c i d a t e

his ric h dream life a bo ut his love r el at io ns hi p. Sue spoke

of how this love r e l a t i o n s h i p has p u s h e d her to learn more

a bo ut herself. Mike said he felt he had dr opp ed some

frien ds becaus e of the time he spent on his r e l a t i o n s h i p

wit h Joel. Rachel gave out a list of thi ng s she wa n t e d to

reiter ate : they were made for each other, Keith's a

wonderful fellow, they work hard at c o m m u n i c a t i o n and on not

taking each other for granted. Chad spoke of the feeli ng of

se l f l e s s n e s s he had for his beloved. Marit spoke of peak

e x p e r i e n c e m o m en t s she's had w i t h Jeremy, an d the playf ul

times. Joe m e n t i o n e d that his re la t i o n s h i p w i t h Mary has

made him mo re c o g n i z a n t of his p u r p o s e — as a partner, a

family man, the l o n g - ra n g e plan. In short, each re sp on de nt

found a way to bring the interview to his or her own close,

to sum up, add to, or r ef lec t upon the e x pe r i e n c e of

r e m e m b e r i n g an d a s c r i b i n g m e a n i n g to th ei r falli ng in love.

The r es e ar ch e r found it s i g ni fi ca nt that many of the

sub jec ts t a l k e d about the i m p o r t a n c e of c o m m u n i c a t i o n wi th

the beloved. It was so me wha t s ur pri si ng that so many of the

co up le s did, in fact, talk ab ou t the re l a t i o n s h i p — not

just th eir pl ans for the future, or when the w e d d i n g would

83
be, or how to co mm i t to a sa me-sex p a rt n e r wi t h o ut "coming

out" to the family. They spoke, so me tim es at length, of

their c o n v e r s a t i o n s about the r e l a t io ns hi p, about the

q u a li t i e s of the r e l a t i o n s h i p -- trust, ex cl usivity,

pl ayf ul ne ss , among others. They r e l a t e d t he ir m e tho ds for

working out p ro b l e m s by talking them through, and how to

ove rc om e b a r ri er s put up by the partner. They spoke of

their ev eryday lives, how they p l a n n e d and chang ed those

structures through communication together.

Heterosexuals and ho mo s e x u a l lovers a p p e a r e d more similar

than di ff er e nt to this researcher, a l t h o u g h at least one

si g n if ic an t d i f fe re n ce arose. H o mo se xu al lovers rep or te d

pr o b l e m s a r is ing fr om the lack of social support for the

rel ati on sh ip, problems not encountered by the he t e r o s e x u a l s

in this study.

Ty pi ca l gender-role d i f f e r e n c e s were d i s p l a y e d by mal es

and female s in the study, males generally ex hi b i t i n g more

"strong, silent type" masculine communication behaviors,

w hil e fe m al e s did not hes ita te to ex pr es s their fee li ng s and

talk abo ut t hei r r e l a t i o n s h i p s wi th or w i t h o u t p r o mp ti ng by

questions. La n g u a g e use di ff e r e d w i t h reg ar d to the

m e t a p h o r s used in tr y i n g to ex pla in the u n e x p l a i n a b l e --

males empl oyi ng more scientific t e r m i n o lo gy , while females

used more fa nc if u l terms.

This re se a r c h e r f ou nd her q u e s t i o n s well answered, but

w i t h many o p e n i n g s for future study. The careful,

84
sys tem ati c look at the di me n s i o n s and e l e m e n t s of ro mantic

love in the li te r a t u re was r e w a rd ed by the r e s p o n d e n t s with

lit er a l l y hun dreds of references to th ose c h a ra ct er is ti cs .

The r i c h ne s s of their m e t a p h o r s brought joy to this

l a n g u a g e - l o v e r 's heart. Their repor ts of behaviors,

rituals, secret la ngu ag e and a vast array of f e e l i n gs

c o n f i r m e d that fallin g in love is a complex, life-changing

event, wort hy of study.

85
 DISCUSSION

This study e xa m i n e d the p e r c e p t i o n s of lovers about their

love experie nc e, th eir feelings, and the m a n n e r in w h i c h

they c o m m u n i c a t e love to the beloved. All subjects

p r o f e s s e d to be in love and were s c r e e n e d and p a s s e d wi t h a

sc r e e n i n g q u e s t i o n n ai re . In all, f o u r te en subjects were

studied, using in t e n s i ve s t ru c t u r e d interviews.

The individuals in the study were eager to discuss their

love expe ri enc es , and re adi ly c a l l e d up feelings, told the

ac c o u n t of their m ee t i n g and falli ng in love, ex a m i n e d the

love r e l a t i o n s h i p for d i f f e r e n c e s an d s i m i l a r i t i e s with

other re l at io n sh ip s , a n d a t t e m p t e d to make m e ani ng of the

experience.

FINDINGS

C h ap te r Three elucidates the f i n d i n g s of the study. The

elements, dimensi on s, and d i st in g u i s h i n g characteristics of

rom an ti c love specified in the p r e v i o u s l i t e r a t u r e were, for

the most part, c o n f i r m e d by p a r t i c i p a n t s of this study.

A d d i t i on al ly , the scree nin g q u e s t i o n n a i r e p r o v e d to be an

e f f e c ti v e tool for separat ing out t ho se lov er s who were more

characteristic of the romanti c or erotic lover, id en ti fi ed

by his or her f e e l i ng s or behaviors, as c o m p a r e d wi th the

mor e ludic, storgic or pra gm at ic love rs of Lee's typology.

The ro ma nt ic lovers were more i n c l i n e d to have e x p e r i e n c e d

love as an intense, dramatic, overwhelming experience, and

86
wer e mo r e likely to have felt that falli ng in love "just

happ ene d" to them or ha p p e n e d as a result of some

i n e x p li ca b le or "ma gical" force.

Communication patterns emergi ng from these respondents

were varied. Many simply told story after story about

meeting, being with, and doing things wi t h the beloved.

Oth er s spoke in mo r e a b s t r a c t terms, and i d e n t i f i e d their

love ex p e r i e n c e in te rm s of con st ruc ts, such as t ru th or

co mmi tment. Still o t h e r s spoke of the very per so na l,

ind iv id ua l experiences they had, such as l e tt in g go of

control, being wi l l i n g to d e p e n d e m o t i o n a l l y on the beloved,

or makin g the de ci s i o n to risk. Some f ou nd it di ff icu lt to

speak in "I" terms, i n s t e a d relying on mo r e a b s t r a c t or

th i r d - p e r s o n terms. Nea rl y all r e s po nd en ts, at one time or

another, use d vivid, fi gu r a t i v e language, a n a l o g i e s and

metaph or s. Some spoke of si gn ifi can t dre am s w h i c h add ed

m ea n i n g to the experien ce.

Some d i s t i nc ti v e nonverbal b e h av io rs were m a n i f e s t e d by

di ff e re n t lovers. Some gi gg le d and la ug h e d and blushe d

throughout the interview. Oth er s spent drawn-out moments

t hi n ki n g of ways to d e s cr ib e the experien ce, held long

pauses, looked out the window, and c ho se th ei r words

carefully.

Many lovers r e v e a l e d th ei r secret language, symbolic

g e s t u r e s or gifts, and rituals. Often lov er s have secret

words for each other, for outsi de rs, and for r o ma nt ic or

87
sexual experiences. One gay male, Mike, revealed his and

Joel's nicknames for each other -- "Binky" and "Zinker" or

"Bink" and "Zink" for short. Mike said "I know things are

good when he calls me 'Binky.'" A h e t e r o s ex ua l couple,

Patti and Paul, e x c h a n g e d gifts, each some th ing that had

been b e q u e a t h e d by an older family member, w h i c h had

signific an ce, as a way of pl e d g i n g th ei r tr oth in a very

o l d - f a s h i o n e d way. One rom ant ic ritual was r e v e al ed by Lisa

— driving into the country, stopping by the river, openi ng

the car doors and in their imaginations "letting the river

flow in," muc h as she an d Jamie felt swept away by their

emotions. For some lovers, tend er mo m e n ts took on a

ri tu a l i s t i c ch aracter, an d w o ul d be r e p e a t e d as an

expression of love. R es po nd en t Sue found a way to get her

lover Jane to talk ab out the e x pe r i e n c e when she seemed

re lu c ta n t to do so -- they told "stories," like bedtime

stories, in the thi rd person, about their re la tionship.

HOMOSEXUAL/HETEROSEXUAL D I F F ERE NC ES

S i m i l a r i t i e s an d d i f f e r e n c e s between h o m o s e x ua l and

h e t e r os ex u al lovers did emerge. The r e s e a r c h e r was curio us

abo ut such differences, since little c ou ld be fo und in the

l it er a t u r e to in dic at e wh et he r sexual o r i e n t a t i o n made any

d if fe r e n c e in one's e xp er i e n c e of falli ng in love. In fact,

most d e f i n i t i o n s of romant ic love, such as Zick Rubin's,

specif y h et e r o s e x u a l love. Wi l m o t (1987, p. 5) is one of

very few r e l a t i o n s h i p w r i t e r s who i n clu de same-sex ro mantic

88
relationships as a mat te r of course. The Mendola Repo rt was

one of few studies w h i c h i n d i c a t e d that falli ng in love and

committing to a li f e -l on g relationship was not ex c l u si ve to

hete ro se xu al s. Peplau (1981) found many si mi la ri ti es

be tw ee n h o m o s ex u al an d he t e r o s e x u a l couples, incl ud in g the

str uggle betwe en c l o s e n e s s and intimac y on the one hand, and

i n d e pe n d en c e a n d s e l f - f u l f i l l m e n t on the other. This study

su p p o r t e d Pe pl a u' s f i n d i n gs that both h e t e r o s e x u a l and

homosexual ro ma nt ic co u p l e s seek both a t t a c h m e n t and

autonomy. Lov er s in this study representing both sexual

preferences e x p r e s s e d t he ir belief in the i m p o r t a n c e of

sexual e x cl us ivi ty , whereas Pe pl au 's study i n d i c a t e d that

gay and lesbi an lover s found sexual fidelity less im portant

than did het er os ex ual s.

The major difference b e tw ee n homosexuals an d h e t e r o se xu al s

uncovered in this study came from the c a t e g o ry of

"problems." Homosexual lovers were mo r e likely to have

di ff i c u l t y gettin g s up po rt for the r e l a t i o n s h i p from

friends, family an d societ y in general, thus mak in g it a

more fragi le bond. No heterosexuals in this study disc us se d

the lack of such s up po r t as p r o b l e m at ic , not even Patti, in

love wi t h a m a r r i e d man.

Since most of the s u bj ec ts came from the re s e a r c h e r ' s own

n e tw or k of friends, c o- wo rk er s, and a c q u a i n t a n c e s ,

a w a r e n e s s of their pa s t love hist or ie s and the d e v e l o p m e n t

of their relationships during and past the study p e r i o d was

89
common. H o m o s e x ua ls as a g r ou p we re less likely to have had

a hi st or y of e x c l u s i v e i n vo l v e m e n t w i t h sa me-sex romantic

relationships than we r e heterosexuals with cross-sex

part ne rs. That is, every h o mo se xu al int er vi ew ee rep or te d

ea rli er r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h c r o s s - s e x partners. Only one

respond ent , i n te rv i e we d as a h et ero se xua l, r e p o r t ed earlier

s a me -s ex r e l at io nsh ip s. In fact, that woman had been a

pra ct i c i ng , political lesbian who just hap pen ed to fall in

love wi th a man this time around.

This p h e n o m e n o n may be e x p l a i n e d by our socie ty' s

unwillingness to a c k n o w l e d g e the v a l i d i t y of ho mo s e x u a l

a t t r a c t i o n and love, and by the social sa nctions a g a i n s t it.

This seems e sp ec ia ll y true in the teen years, wh e n

i nd i v i d u a l s are p r a c t i c i n g t he ir ro ma nti c re la ti o ns hi ps ,

leading ho mo s e x u a l s to one or more c r o s s - s e x r e l a ti on shi ps ,

w h i c h us ual ly fail. At the time of this writing, six of the

seven he t e r o s e x u a l s in this study are still in c o m m i t t e d

relationships or married, the one e x c e p t i o n being the woman

who ag ai n is i n v o l ve d w i t h o th er L e sb i a n women. On the

othe r hand, of the seven h om os ex ua l lovers in the study,

only two are still w i t h their lovers, both c o ns i d e r i n g

th e m s e l v e s "married" to those pa rtners. The h om os ex ua l

relationships d e s c r i b e d in this study las te d from a few

mon th s to six years. It seems likely that there is an

effec t of the social sa nc ti on s a g a i n s t hom os ex ua l c o up li ng

that ma ke s the bond more likely to di ss o l ve or break.

90
MALE/FEMALE DIFFERENCES

Females, w h a t ev e r th ei r sexual pr e f e r e n ce , were in cl i n ed

to be more d e sc ri pti ve , display more affect, and r es po nd to

questions in g r e a t e r le n g t h and in more detail. Males, in

general, a n s w e r e d the qu e s t i o n s in more terse language,

wi t h o u t expansion, even when probed. In te rm s of len gt h of

interview, a male heterosexual gave the sh or tes t inte rv iew

(th ir ty-five minutes) and a Le s b i a n r e s p o n d e n t need ed two

tw o- h o u r se ssions to co m p l e t e the interview. Only one

fem al e h et er o sex ua l, Christ ine , gave rath er short, to-the-

po in t re sponses, and three males (one het er os ex ua l, two gay)

wer e qu it e e x p a n s i v e a n d talkative.

The major d i f fe re n ce in lan gua ge came a bo ut in discussing

the "magical" p a r t of t he ir love. Men we r e less likely to

use the word "magic," but more i n c l i n e d to talk of the

p h e n o m e n o n as "c hem is try " or "e le ctr ic it y. " Wo me n in this

study did not use t ho se more s ci en ti fi c terms, but were more

in c l i n e d to use "magic" and similar words. Bot h men and

w om en used the ph ra s e "it just happene d," an o t h e r ind ic at io n

that the ro man tic lo ve r s saw falling in love as an event

so mewhat o u t si de their control.

IMPLICATIONS

A p r im ar y q u e s t io n the r e s e a r c he r p o n d e r e d w h i l e studying

the l i te ra tur e an d i n t e r v i e w i n g sub jects was w h e t h e r or not

people in this highly ro mantic, se ns ual ly h e i g h t e n e d state

called "falli ng in love" were dys fun ct io na l, as many of the

91
psychologists and p s y c h i a t r i s t s who write a bo ut love

protest. Such wr it e r s as Peck, Branden, T. R ub in and others

imply or state outright that the c o n d i t i o n of being in love

is unstable, unh ea lt h y, and immature. The researcher

w o n d e r e d w h et he r their bias, a c q u i r e d over years of tr eating

psychologically d i s t u r b e d p e o p l e w i t h e x a g g e r a t e d romantic

tendenc ies , may have a f f e c t e d their jud gment about labeling

all rom ant ic lovers as "sick."

It seems to this r es ea r c h e r that Lee's typology

su cc es s f u l ly differentiates betwee n styles of loving, making

a case for erotic love as a healthy style or stage in a

ro ma nt ic re lationship. As early as 1970, Kephart pointed

out that Am er ic an s spend a p p r o x i m a t e l y ten y ea rs en g a g e d in

ro ma nt ic love b e h a v i o r s w h i c h are a normal m a n i f e s t a t i o n of

their p e r s o n a l i t y development and thus are not dy s f u n c t i o n a l

(Kephart, 1970, p. 35).

The su bje ct s in this study had recipro ca l, a p pa r e n t l y

healt hy love rel ati on s hi ps , w h i c h var ie d only sli ght ly in

the degree and d u r a t i o n of the more li me ran t

c h a r ac te r is t i cs . In fact, the lim erant conditi on, except

for its obsessive, u n r e c i p r o c a t e d qualities, may be seen as

a stage for some lovers, who then move on to a calmer, more

c o m m i t m e n t - o r i e n t e d love r el ati on shi p. In the li te r a t u r e by

psychologists, as the ones n am ed above, the move to

pe ac ef ul, c ont en t co mm itm ent , based on love a nd friendship,

is the p r e s c r i p t i o n for a healt hy relati on shi p. However,

92
erotic lovers such as Lisa see me d to this r es ea rc he r to be

as c o m m i t t e d as those in a cal me r state. The simple fact

that head-over-heels-in-love people c o n t i n u e their romantic,

heart-beating-wildly be ha vi or for years even, does not seem

to this r e s ea rc h er to ind ica te they are disturbed, or less

mature, but simply ex pe r i e n c i n g love d i f f e r e n tl y fro m their

calmer co unt erp ar ts. The key lies in the r e c i p r o c i t y of

love, being loved in return, equally. Those who love

ob se s s i v e l y w it h o u t their love being r e c i p r o c a t e d to any

degree, are the immature, li merant su bj ect s for the

p s y c h o l o g i s t s to study.

T e nn ov uses the wo rd "limerance" to de sc r i be an ob se ss iv e

sort of ro man ti c love, yet M c W h i r t e r & M a t t i s o n use it to

des cr ib e the first stage of d e ve l o p i n g love relationships in

gay males, the falli ng stage. The p r e s e n t study, des ig ne d

to screen out the mo r e p r a c ti ca l, pr ag ma t i c , playfu l and

friendship-based lovers, also c o n f i r m s that head-over-heels

rom ant ic relationships can be healthy, that it may often be

a stage of d e v e l o p m e n t in the re la t i on sh ip . Chris tin e

pr o b a b l y best t y p i f i e s the p r a c t i c a l lover, just coming out

of the "madness and magic" stage, so me wha t e m ba r r a s s e d about

it .

It may be wise for t h e o r i st s to de vel op a new term, or

more cl ear ly define limerance, in order to have a word that

names this kin d of love. This r e s e a r c h e r finds, like

McWhiirter and Matt iso n, the need for a n o t h e r te r m to

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des cri be the romantic, in-love stage. Those researchers co­

opt T e n n o v 's term " li me ra nc e" to mean the "magical" stage

wi th o u t the o n e - s i d e d obses si on . O b vi ou sl y, we need to find

w or ds in our la nguage to de sc r i be and define the dif ferent

kin ds of love, and th is is one contribution the t y p o l o g i s t s

seem to be heading toward. W i t h the work of such

r es e a r c h e r s as He nd r i c k & He ndrick (1986), St er nbe rg &

Graj ek (1984), and Davis & Latty-Mann (1987), exploration of

va ri o u s t yp ol og i es and a s s e s s m e n t scales is p r o g r e s s i n g to

c o n f i r m the o v e r l a p p i n g characteristics of rom an ti c love and

add to the c l a r i f i c a t i o n in the language a bo ut di f f e re nt

styles and stages of loving.

Several q u e s t i o n s in the in t er vi ew sch edu le were bas ed on

Wilmot & Ba xte r' s (1984) cognitive schemata of r e l a t io ns hi p

prototypes (see A p p e n d i x D). The su bj ec ts in this study, in

c o m pa r i n g their love relationships with their own "intimate"

or "best" fr ie ndships, d e s c r i b e d three of the same

d i f fe r e n c e s Wilmot a n d Baxter stated. They d e s c r i b e d the

ro ma nt ic r e l a t i o n s h i p s as (1) mo r e my stical, "magical," or

o t h e r w i s e un e x p l a i n ab le ; (2) more int ima te and sexual; and

(3) more likely to r eq u i r e a d d i t i o n a l effort. They

c o n f i r m e d that many constructs i d e n t i f i e d as e l e m e n t s of

bot h ki nd s of r e l a t i o n s h i p s we r e held in common, such as

trust, openness, and caring.

Many su bjects a n s w e r e d those relationship-comparison

questions easily, but were d i s s a t i s f i e d wi t h their answers,

94
as if th er e were so mething unexplainable in wo rds about the

di ff er en ces , yet they cl e a r ly knew in their minds that there

were di sti nc t differences. Fu t ur e r e s ea rc he rs could

explore, t hr o u g h q u a l i t a t i v e studies, the c o m p a r a t i v e

meanings of rom ant ic love a nd other relationships to the

p a r t i c i p a nt s . Becaus e lovers often have great diffic ul ty

findin g the words to ex p r e s s themsel ve s, furth er exploration

of the l im i t a t i o n s of la ng ua ge may be a useful field of

study. Q u e s t i o nn a ir es , such as the screening tool de v e l o p e d

for this study, co uld be c r e a t e d and tested. One of the

way s the r e s p o n d e n t s " w or ke d harder" at their love

r e l a t i o n s h i p s was in c om mu ni ca ti on . Furthe r study is nee de d

in this area to de te rm in e in what way s lovers spend more

energy "c omm un i ca ti n g" wi t h the beloved, to strengthen,

enhance, or m a i n t a i n the r el at io ns hi p. Some respondents in

this study re p o r t e d spending many hours talking, sharing,

ex p lo ri ng past histories, cre at in g the future, w o rk in g out

problems, readi ng the ot he r' s non ve rb al cues -- any area of

w h i c h mi gh t be fruitful for f u rt he r research.

LI M I T A T I O N S

Researchers seeking to learn more a b o u t r e l a t i o n s h i p s and

the de ve l o p m e n t of theory to ex p l a i n them, may wi s h to

e x am in e bo t h the str eng th s and the l i mi t a t i o n s of this

method. The small subject base used in this study can be a

limitation, and is fa ce d by mo s t q u a l i t a t i v e or e t h n o gr ap hi c

studies. F o u rt e en subjects we r e sufficie nt, however, to

95
d i sc ov e r and c o n f i r m the basic characteristics of the

r om a n t i c love state. Additio na ll y, a qualitative study is

of te n an ex c e ll en t base from w hi ch to lau nc h more specific

research efforts. The r es ea rc he r often de p e n d e d upon her

mem or y and f am i l i a r i t y w i t h the data to summarize, provide

ex am p l e s and hy po thesize. Comput er a n a l y s e s mi ght yield

resul ts of a more v a r i e d and p r e c i s e form. Yet the co mp ut er

does not a l l o w for i n t u i t i o n and com mo n sense to influence

the results, a n d that p er s o n a l se n si bi li ty seems to this

researcher to be a str en gt h of the m e t h o d chosen.

The r e s e a r c h e r 's m a j or frustrations e m e r g e d during the

categorizing process while shaping the results. The

r e s e a r c h q u e s t i o n s we r e su ff ic ie nt ly b ro ad that the huge

volume of data was di ff ic u l t to handle. Had the resear ch er

been looking only at one or two c o n s t r u c t s such as

commitment or at t r a ct io n , or even "b ut t e rf li es " in the

stomach, the task w o u l d have been far simpler. As it was,

the re se a r c h q u e s t i o n s sought to c o n f i r m the di me ns io ns and

e l e m e n t s of romant ic love, and the m e a n i n g s of love and

falli ng in love held by the re sp o n d e n t s themselves. Wi t h an

ab u n d a n c e of questions in the i n t er vi ew schedule, the

information gain ed was also very broad and a l l - e n c o m p a s s i n g

-- truly fil le d w i t h rich detail and many lay er s of meaning.

This p r o v e d both a bl es s i n g and a curse. There was no lack

of a p p r o p r i a t e qu ot e s fr o m the r e s p o n d e n t s themselves to

ad d r e s s a co ns tr uc t or an elemen t of love. On the other

96
hand, n a r r o w i ng the f iel d of c a t e g o r i e s to a set co nt a i n i n g

fewer than twenty (20) or t h i r t y (30) was difficult.

Overarching c a t e g o r i e s we r e p o s s i b l e in many di me n s i o n s and

directions, mak ing a d e c i s i on difficult, since all or at

least several o pt i o n s seemed e q ua ll y useful or valuable.

Brief, single co n t ac t wi t h each subject y i e l d e d rich data,

but there is no way to d e t e r mi ne wh e t h e r they accurately

de s c r i b e d their behaviors . Also, patterns of r e p or ti ng from

i nd iv i d u a l r e s p o n d e n t s we r e not t r a c k e d t h r o u g h any p e r i o d

of time and not re l a te d to the d e ve l o p m e n t of that

particular re lat io nsh ip .

CONCLUSION

De sp it e the l im i t a t i o n s of this study, valuable

i n f o r m a t i o n was g at h e r e d t h r o u g h the c o m p r e h e n s i v e a p pr oa ch

of q u a l i t a t i v e analysis. Respondents easily supplie d

c o n s t r u c t s w h i c h d e s c r i b e d or d e f i n e d part of wh a t they

m ea nt when they said they were in love. They p r o v i d e d in

rich, d e sc r ip ti v e la ngu ag e images w h i c h helped to make the

inexplicable explicit. They e x p l o r e d and label ed their

fe e l i n g s in detail, providing corroboration for many of the

d i m e n s i o n s and e l e m e n t s of love fo un d by other writers.

They tried to focus on that part of the love e x p e ri en ce

w h i c h was ma g i c a l to them. A l t h o u g h th ere was great

d iv ers ity in respon ses , there were also many similar, even

ide nt ic al responses, as each subject t ri ed to make m e ani ng

out of her or his ex pe rience. This coming in, under, over,

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a r ou nd and t h r o u g h the data in the r ec ur si ve , q u al ita tiv e

pro ces s, p r ov id e s us wi t h a special method of discovery

about an intense, real, rom an ti c love experience -- data

w h i c h one may be un ab l e to tap in any other fashion.

Fallin g in love is the one i l l o g i c a l

adventu re , the one thing w h i c h we are
t e m pt ed to think of as s u pe rn at ur al in
our t ri ed and r ea so n a b l e world.
Ro be r t Louis S t ev en son

98
 APPENDIX A :1

Or igi na l S c re en ing Questionnaire

PARTICIPANT QUESTIONNAIRE

Ple as e ans we r the fo ll ow i ng q u e s t i o n s ac c o r d i n g to your

e x p e r i e n c e and fe el in gs of fallin g in love.

I. In q u e s t i o n s 1 t h r o u g h 6 p l e a s e cir cl e the an sw e r that

most nearly d e s c r i b e s your experience.

1. I am in l o v e . . .

5 not at all
4 maybe, sort of
3 well, yes, I think so
2 yes, ce r t a i nl y
1 madly, t o ta lly

2. When I fell in love th i s time, it happened. . .

3 slowly and g r a d u a l l y over time

2 one day I just r e a l i z e d that I'd been in love
for some time
1 in stantly

3. My b el ov e d a n d I spend time together. . .

3 seldom
2 as often as possible
1 if it isn't always, itisn't enough

4. I think a bou t my beloved. . .

5 not m u c h
4 some ti me s
3 several tiraes a day
2 many t ime s a day
1 every m om e n t of every day

5. B e c au s e I'm in love, the w o r l d is. . .

5 worse than before

4 pr e t t y mu c h the same as a l w a y s
3 better than before
2 greatl
1 the best of all p o s s i b l e places!

6. The state I'm in now is. . .

99
 3 wo rs e than before; I w i s h I'd never met
he r/ him
2 pre tty m u c h the same as b e f o r e I met him/her
1 w ond erf ul , and unl ik e a ny th in g I've ever
experienced

II. In the f o l l ow i ng questi on s, p l e a s e check off as many as

apply to your p r e s e n t situation.

7. W hic h of the f ol low ing fe el in gs or symptoms of love

are you e x p e r i e n c i n g (or have re c e n t l y experienced)
in your p r e s e n t r e l a t i on shi p?

"b ut t er fl i es " in the st om ac h

fee li ng s like an el ec tri c shock when I see or

to uc h my be l o v ed

trem bli ng

n e r v o u s n e s s or "the jitters"

some thi ng like an ache or pain in the pit of my

stomach

a fl oa ti n g se nsation

euphoria, feeling on top of the world

excited, aroused

c o n s t a n t l y g oi ng up and down b e t w e e n ecsta sy

and agony

bli ssful

finding it di ff icu lt to c o n c e n t r a t e

8. Check off any an d all of the c o n d i t i o n s that your

friends and fami ly have noticed, to l d you about, or
t e a s e d you about, since yo u ' v e been in love.

"your head 's in the clouds"

"you're alw ay s distracted, t h in ki ng about

her/him"

"you sp end all your time wi t h him/her, ignoring

others"

100
"you're not being r e a l i s t i c ’’

"you seem so muc h happier lately"

"you seem diff e r e n t "

"you're not hungry, y o u m u s t be in love"

10 1
 A P P E N D IX A :2

Revised S c reening Questionnaire a fter Pilot Inte r v i e w s

PARTICIPANT QUESTIONNAIRE

Please a n s w e r the f o l l o w i n g q u e s t i o n s a c c o r d i n g to your

p r e s e n t e x p e r i e n c e a n d f e e l i n g s of f a l l i n g in love.

I. In q u e s t i o n s 1 t h r o u g h 6 p l e a s e c i r c l e the answer that

m ost ne a r l y d e s c r i b e s your experience.

I a m in love.

5 not at all
4 maybe, sort of
3 well, yes, I think so
2 yes, c e r t a i n l y
1 madly, t o t a l l y

2. W hen I fell in love t his time, it happened. . .

3 slowly and g r a d u a l l y ove r time

2 one day I just r e a l i z e d t hat I'd been in love
for some time
1 ins t a n t l y

3. My b e l o v e d a n d I spend time t o gether. . .

3 seldom
2 as o f t e n as possible
1 if it isn't always, it isn't en o u g h

4. I think a b o u t my beloved. . .

5 not m u c h
4 sometimes
3 several t i m e s a day
2 many t i m e s a day
1 every m o m e n t of every day

5. Because I'm in love, the w o r l d is. . .

5 w orse than before

4 pr e t t y m u c h the same as a l w a y s
3 better than before
2 great I
1 the best of all p o s s i b l e places!

6. The state I'm in now is. . .

102
 3 w o r s e tha n before; I w ish I'd n e v e r met
her/ h i m
2 pretty m u c h the same as be f o r e I me t him/her
1 w o n d e r f u l , and un l i k e a n y t h i n g I've ever
experienced

II. In the f o l l o w i n g ques t i o n s , p l e a s e check off as many as

apply to your p r e s e n t situation.

7. W h i c h of the f o l l o w i n g f e e lings or s y m p t o m s of love

are you e x p e r i e n c i n g (or have r e c e n t l y experienced)
in your p r e s e n t r e l a t i o n s h i p ?

"butterflies" in the stom a c h

som e t h i n g like an ache or p a i n in the pit of my

stoma c h

feelings like an e l e c t r i c shock whe n I see or

t o u c h my beloved

e l e c t r i c shock f e e l i n g s when s/he looks at or

t o u c h e s me

tre m b l i n g
i
warm, expansive feel i n g in my heart

an a che or p ain in my heart

pounding in my heart

a floating sen s a t i o n

euphoria, feeling on top of the w o r l d

blissful

sense of c a lmness, peace, well-being

excited, aroused

c o n s t a n t l y g o i n g up a n d down between ecstasy

and a gony

finding it d i f f i c u l t to c o n c e n t r a t e

8. Check off any and all the c o n d i t i o n s that your

f r i e n d s a n d family have noticed, told you about, or
te a s e d you about, since yo u ' v e been in love.

103
"your head's in the clouds"

"you're a l w a y s d istracted, t h i n k i n g about

her/him"

"you s p e n d all your time w i t h him/her, ignoring

others"

"you ' r e not being realistic"

"you see so m u c h happ i e r lately"

"you seem d i fferent"

"you're not hungry, you m u s t be in love"

"your feet are not on the grou n d "

"you're bouncing off the walls"

104
 A P P E N D IX B

S EL E C T I O N C R I T E R I A FOR SUBJECT INTERVIEWS

A fter a subject fills out the P a r t i c i p a n t Q u e s t i o n n a i r e ,

s/he may be a c c e p t e d for an i n t e n s i v e i n t e r v i e w b a s e d on the
f o l l o w i n g criteria:

Part I:

#1 ans w e r mus t be 1 or 2

4 out of the 5 r e m a i n i n g q u e s t i o n s mus t be a n s w e r e d

thus :

#2 1 or 2
#3 1 or 2
#4 1 or 2
#5 1-, 2,
#6 1 or 3

Part II:

#7: must check 5 or m ore

#8: must check 3 or more

105
 AP P E N D I X C
C O N S E N T FORM

TO THE SUBJECT:
J a c q u e l i n e Gibson, a g r a d u a t e student in I n t e r p e r s o n a l
C o m m u n i c a t i o n , is c o n d u c t i n g a r e s e a r c h p r o j e c t for her
M a s t e r ’s t h e s i s on the subject of f a l l i n g in love. The
p r i m a r y m e t h o d of data c o l l e c t i o n is an i n t e n s i v e i n t e r v i e w
lasting one to two hours, w i t h f o u r t e e n subjects.
As a subject, you will be a s k e d to d e s c r i b e your
e x p e r i e n c e of f a l l i n g in love. The only r i s k s and
d i s c o m f o r t s yo u m a y b e e x p o s e d to are the emo t i o n a l ones
a s s o c i a t e d w i t h sharing i n t i m a t e i n f o r m a t i o n w i t h a stranger
(the res e a r c h e r ) . On the other hand, you may find the
e x p e r i e n c e b e n e f i c i a l in being abl e to share those happy
e x p e r i e n c e s w i t h a n o t h e r person.
The r e s e a r c h e r wil l b e n e f i t by g a i n i n g an o p p o r t u n i t y to
i n v e s t i g a t e an a s p e c t of fall i n g in love that has not been
a d d r e s s e d in the c u r r e n t r e s e a r c h literature.
C o n f i d e n t i a l i t y will be m a i n t a i n e d t h r o u g h the use of
p s e u d o n y m s and m o d i f i c a t i o n of any i d e n t i f y i n g b i o g r a p h i c a l
i n f o r m a t i o n w h i c h m i g h t be u sed in the text of the the s i s or
any s u b s e q u e n t p u b l i c a t i o n .
You the subject are free to w i t h d r a w your c o n s e n t and to
di s c o n t i n u e p a r t i c i p a t i o n in the p r o j e c t at any time. You
have the right to ask any q u e s t i o n s a b o u t the m e t h o d s used
or the o u t c o m e s of the i n t e r v i e w p r o c e d u r e s , a fter the
i nt ervi e w .

CONSENT:
I hereby give my c o n s e n t to be i n t e r v i e w e d by J a c q u e l i n e
Gibson or her f e l l o w r e s e a r c h e r for the p u r p o s e of her study
on the e x p e r i e n c e of fall i n g in love. T his c o n s e n t i n c l u d e s
p e r m i s s i o n to a udio t ape the i n t e n s i v e interview. I
u n d e r s t a n d that this t ape will be e r a s e d a fter a
t r a n s c r i p t i o n has been taken for p u r p o s e s of the study.
I u n d e r s t a n d that c o n f i d e n t i a l i t y will be m a i n t a i n e d and
my name will not be r e l e a s e d to anyone. All s t a t e m e n t s I
make will be a s s i g n e d to a f i c t i t i o u s name. I understand
that I am free to w i t h d r a w my c o n s e n t a n d my p a r t i c i p a t i o n
in the p r o j e c t at any time.

S i g n e d : ________________________________ D a t e : ____________

106
 APPENDIX D

INTERVIEW QUESTIONNAIRE

I n t r o d u c t i o n ; I am w o r k i n g on a thesis r e s e a r c h p r o j e c t
on fall i n g in love a n d w o u l d like you to an s w e r a nu m b e r of
q u e s t i o n s a b o u t your e x p e r ience. I will use p s e u d o n y m s so
that no p e r s o n ' s r e s p o n s e s can be i dentified. Your
r e s p o n s e s will be hel d s t r ictly confi d e n t i a l .
Pl e a s e choose p s e u d o n y m s for y o u rself and your beloved,
and I will use t hose n a m e s in the t r a n s c r i p t i o n s . You may
use his or her real name during the interview.
At the end of the i n terview, you may feel free to ask me
any q u e s t i o n s a b o u t the r e s e a r c h p r o j e c t a n d the
questionnaire.

I. The E x p e r i e n c e of F a l l i n g in Love

1) D e s c r i b e your experience of fall i n g in love.

2) Tell me how you first met.

3) When did you first k n o w you w ere in love?

4) Did it ha p p e n slowly a n d g r a d u a l l y , or all at

once? D e s c r i b e it.

5) What wer e the s p e cific events that led to your

k n o w i n g you were in love?

6) When did the two of you first talk a b o u t being in

love? Who t a l k e d a b o u t it first? What was said?

7) How do you talk a b o u t it now, if you do? What

ki n d s of things are said? (probes: who usually
talks a b o u t it more, who usua l l y i n itiates, etc.)

II. The F e e l i n g s Associated with Falling in love.

8) How does it feel for you to be in love? (probe

r e p e a t e d l y for feelings)

9) How is your everyday life d i f f e r e n t now, if it

i s?

10) What k i n d s of f e e l i n g s do you have w h e n y o u ' r e

w i t h your b e l o v e d or w h e n you think a b o u t
him/her?

107
 11) How do the f e e l i n g s you have a b o u t your b e l o v e d
differ fro m the f e e l i n g s you have a b o u t your
c l o s e s t friend?

12) How do your f e e l i n g s a b o u t your b e l o v e d differ

fr o m those f e e l i n g s y o u ' v e had a bout other
ro m a n t i c r e l a t i o n s h i p s ?

13) Wha t part do sexual f e e l i n g s and a desire for

sexual i n t i m a c y p l a y in your r e l a t i o n s h i p ?

III. Beliefs in R o m a n t i c i s m

14) Do you have any f e e l i n g s a b o u t this love being the

"one and only one" for you? Describe.
(probe: how will you know?)

15) In your e x p e r i e n c e or beliefs, does love just

ha p p e n to someone, or can it be made to happen?
Expla i n .

16) Do you believe in love at first sight? Di d it

happen to you in this r e l a t i o n s h i p ? in any
previous relationship?

17) Do you c o n s i d e r y o u r s e l f a romantic? Why or why

not? What do you think it m e a n s to be a
romantic?

18) What do you think is the d i f f e r e n c e b e t w e e n true

love and i n f a t u a t i o n or puppy love? How can you
tell the d i f f e rence?

IV. Prototypes

For t his series of questions, I'd like you to think a bout

the other r o m a n t i c or love r e l a t i o n s h i p s yo u ' v e had.

19) How man y t i m e s w o u l d you say yo u ' v e been in love?

20) How is this time d i f f e r e n t fro m any p r e v i o u s

r o m a n t i c r e l a t i o n s h i p (s )?

21) How is thi s love different from a p r e v i o u s sexual

relationship?

22) How is thi s love different fro m an i n t i m a t e

friendship?

108
V. Metaphors about Falling in Love

It's interesting, d on't you think, that we talk a b o u t

"f a l l i n g " in love?

23) What does it m e a n to say "fall in love"?

24) What was like, for you, to fall in love?

VI. Communicating about the Relationship

25) How do the two of you talk a b o u t your

relationship?

26) In what k i n d s of w a y s are you e s p e c i a l l y

sen s i t i v e to your b e l o v e d ' s words, a c t ions, or
n o n v e r b a l cues?
Can you give me some examples?

27) How do you two talk a b o u t your future

together?

VII. Wrapup

28) Is there a n y t h i n g else you can think of that

y ou'd like to tell me a b o u t your e x p e r i e n c e of
falling or being in love?

Thank you for your c o o p e r a t i o n and for p a r t i c i p a t i n g in

this study. Yo u ' v e bee n a g r e a t help, a n d I will get a
copy of the r e s u l t s to you, p r o b a b l y next fall or
winter.

How did you feel a b o u t a n s w e r i n g those q u e s t i o n s about

your love e x p e r i e n c e ?

109
 AP PE N D IX E

EM ER G E NT CAT EG OR IE S

First S e t : (7/87)

1) special, unique
2) tens i o n of p o l a r i t i e s
3) firsts
4) holi n e s s
5) safety, p r o t e c t i o n
6) labeling it love
7) sharing
8) fu l f i llment, w h o l e n e s s
9) magic
10 ) chemistry
1 1) i m p o r t a n c e of all th e senses
12 ) wo n d e r
13) i n tensity

Second Set (8/87)

* indicates carryover from previous set

1) metaphors
2) sudden r e a l i z a t i o n
3) just h a p p e n e d
4) it's sea r y !
*5 ) special, unique
*6 ) t e n s i o n of p o l a r i t i e s
*7 ) firsts
*8 ) holiness
9) security
10 ) depth, i n t ensity
1 1) labeling, deciding
*12) sharing
*13) fu l f i llment, w h o l e n e s s
14) emp t i n e s s
15 ) contentment
* 16 ) magic
17 ) trust
*18 ) i m p o r t a n c e of all the senses
19) smell, taste
20) eye gaze
2 1) t ouch
22 ) selflessness
23 ) loss of self
24) games, rituals
25 ) i m p o r t a n c e of c o m m u n i c a t i o n

1 10
Third Set (8/87)

T his set c o n s i s t s of all 25 c a t e g o r i e s in S e c o n d Set, plus

the f o l l o w i n g addit i o n s :

26) c o m m i t m e n t
27) free to be me
28) r e c i p r o c i t y
29) need
30) p e r s o n a l themes

Fourth Set (August 1987)

T his set c o n t a i n s all in the T h i r d Set p l u s the fol l o w i n g

additions:

31) w a n t i n g to be w i t h the b e l o v e d
32) happiness
33) g i v e s life m e a n i n g
34) u n i v e r s a l i t y of love
35) p r o b l e m s uni q u e to h o m o s e x u a l s in love

F i f t h Set (9/7/87)

After f o r m u l a t i n g the p r e v i o u s set, I met w i t h ind u c t i v e

judge Sheila J o h a n s o n who s u g g e s t e d way s to c o l l a p s e the
w e a l t h of c ategories.

This set was s t r u c t u r e d a r o u n d the d e v e l o p m e n t of larger

sets and subsets, t aken fro m the l iterature, so that the
m u l t i t u d e of smaller c a t e g o r i e s d e v e l o p e d p r e v i o u s l y c ould
fit into some larger framework.

I. D i m e n s i o n s of Love
A. commitment
B. contentment
C. hap p i n e s s
D. free to be me
E. depth, int e n s i t y
F. security
G. reciprocity

II. E l e m e n t s of Love
A. sudden r e a l i z a t i o n
B. w a n t i n g to be w i t h the b e l o v e d
c. special, unique
D. holiness
E. t e n s i o n of p o l a r i t i e s
F. sha ring
G . fu l f i llment, w h o l e n e s s
H. magic

111
 I. sensory c a t e g o r i e s
J. selflessness
K. loss of self
L. trust

I I I .N e c e s s a r y C o n d i t i o n s for Fall i n g in Love

A. needs
B. just h a p p e n e d
C. labeling it love

Sixth Set (9/12/87)

This r e p r e s e n t s a slight m o d i f i c a t i o n of the p r e v i o u s

structure. * i n d i c a t e s an u n c h a n g e d c a t e g o r y fro m the
p r e v i o u s set.

I. D i m e n s i o n s of Love
*A. commitment
*B. free to be me
*C. depth, i n t e n s i t y
* D . security
*E . reciprocity

II. E l e m e n t s of Love
*A . sudden r e a l i z a t i o n
* B . special, u n i q u e
* C . holin e s s
*D. sharing
* E • sensory factors
* F . loss of self
*G . selflessness

I I I . N e c e s s a r y C o n d i t i o n s for F a l l i n g in Love
* A . just h a p p e n e d
* B . need
C. g ives life m e a n i n g
D. magic
*E. labeling

IV. Feelings
A. hap p i n e s s
B. contentment
C. trust
D. tens i o n of p o l a r i t i e s
E. want i n g to be w i t h the beloved
F. fulfillment

S e v e n t h Set (9/13/87)

A n o t h e r v e r s i o n of the p r e v i o u s structure. * m arks

c a t e g o r i e s u n c h a n g e d f rom the p r e v i o u s set.

1 12
I. N e c e s s a r y C o n d i t i o n s for Falling in Love
*A . just h a p p e n e d
*B. need
*C. magic
* D . labeling, d e c i d i n g

II. D i m e n s i o n s of Love
*A . security
*B . c o m m i t m e n t
*C. free to be me
D. int e n s i t y
E. depth, breadth, levels of love
*F . r e c i p r o c i t y
G. true love e n d u r e s
H. i d e a l i z a t i o n of the beloved

I I I . E l e m e n t s of Love
*A . sudden r e a l i z a t i o n
*B. special, u n i q u e
*C. h o l iness
*D . sharing
E. want i n g to be w i t h the b e l o v e d
F. senses, s e n s u a l i t y
*G • selflessness
H . it's scary
I. i m p o r t a n c e of c o m m u n i c a t i o n

IV. F e e lings
*A . happiness
*B . c o n t e n t m e n t
*C. trust
D. f u l f illment, w h o l e n e s s
* E . t e n s i o n of p o l a r i t i e s

V. Be haviors
A. m u t u a l eye gaze
B . f ir sts
C. games, rituals

E i g h t h Set (9/25/87)

F r u s t r a t e d w i t h the o l d structure, I d i s c u s s e d the

c a t e g o r i e s w i t h c o m m i t t e e me m b e r Joyce Hocker. To come up
w i t h a new structure, I simply a s k e d the question: How do
they talk a b o u t it (with e m p hasis on the "how")? New ways
of looking at the data emerged.

1. in feel i n g t erms
2. giv i n g the "account" of how it h a p p e n e d
3. using m e t a p h o r s

113
4. symbols and tokens
5. p h y s i c a l factors
a. sensuality
b. closeness
c. p h y s i c a l sens a t i o n s
6. w i t h awe, wonder, sense of holiness
7. by trying to e x p l a i n the u n e x p l a i n a b l e (magic, mystery)
8. d e s c r i b i n g b e haviors, in c l u d i n g b e h a v i o r a l chan g e s
9. in rela t i o n a l langu a g e
a. commitment, sharing
b. reciprocity
10. comparison with other relationships
11. in aphorisms, d e f i n i t i o n s
12. with ambivalence
13. p r o b l e m s , o b s t a c l e s to be o v e r c o m e

N i n t h Set (10/3 1/87)

I. How they talk a b o u t love

A. labeling it love
B. r e m e m b e r i n g
C. a m b i v a l e n c e / p a r a d o x
D. s o c i a l i z e d e x p e c t a t i o n s
E. in feel i n g terms
F. giving the a c c o u n t
G. formula: how to make love h a p p e n/work
H. in poetic l a n guage
I. in s y m b o l s / t o k e n s
J. future o r i e n t a t i o n
K. c o m p a r i s o n s
L. a p h o r i s m s
M. d e f i n i t i o n s
N. m e t a c o m m u n i c a t i o n
0. w i t h awe, wonder, reverence, holiness

II. What they say

A. love at first sight
B. needs
C. acceptance
D. mystery
E. m ore than just sex
F. obsession
G. describing behaviors
1) p h y s i c a l fact ors
2) r o m antic a c t i o n s
3) games, r i t u a l s
4) m u t u a l eye gaze
5) sex as c o n n e c t i o n
H. problems
1. overcoming difficulties
J . covenants

1 14
 K. i d e a l i z a t i o n of the beloved
L. uniqueness
M. desire to s h a r e / i m p o r t a n c e of sharing

T e n t h Set ( 1 1/87)

At this point, it be c a m e n e c e s s a r y to r e d u c e the a n a l y s i s

set of data c ards by p u l l i n g every f o u r t h card, leaving an
a n a l y s i s set of 259 cards, then re-sorting.

* represents categories unchanged from the p r e v i o u s set.

How they talk a b o u t love

A. me t a c o m m u n i cation
*B . labeling/deciding
*C . ambivalence/paradox
*D . in feel i n g terms
* E. by giving the a c c o u n t
F. in po e t i c l a n g u a g e
G. future o r i e n t a t i o n
*H . compar i sons
I. definitions/aphorisms

What they say a b o u t being in 1<

* A. needs
* B . mor e than just sex
C . p h y s i c a l fact o r s
D . problems
* E. covenant/commitment
* F . i d e a l i z a t i o n of the belo v e d
*G . mystery
*H • unique/special
I. sharing

Set Ten r e p r e s e n t s the r e s e a r c h e r ' s final ef f o r t before

turn i n g the data c ards over to the i n d u c t i v e judge.

E l e v e n t h Set (12/87)

Fo l l o w i n g is the set d e v e l o p e d by the second inductive

judge, Sue Green:

1. Falling in love/ t r u e love and r o m a n t i c love

2. Attraction/infatuation/obsession/crush
3. What does being in love mean?
4. Friends & l o v e r s / l i k i n g & loving
5. Sensual factors
6. R i t u a l s / things you do that are special
7. Commitment
8. What I w a n t f rom my love p a r t n e r
9. What I get f rom my love part n e r

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10. How my p a r t n e r has c h a n g e d since m e e t i n g me/
r e l a t i o n s h i p is d i f f e r e n t
11. R e s i s t a n c e to letting go
12. How one sees the r e l a t i o n s h i p
13. Why be i n v o l v e d w i t h love?
14. Deal i n g w i t h p r o b l e m s
15. C h a n g e s w h i l e in the r e l a t i o n s h i p
16. Feel i n g secure adn p r o t e c t e d
17. T a l k i n g / c o m m u n i c a t i n g
18. What's your lover like?
19. The story of how we got t o g ether
20 . The future
21. The "structures" we can love in
22. Having a c o m m o n hist o r y p r i o r to i n v o l v e m e n t
23. How it feels to be i n v o l v e d in a r e l a t i o n s h i p
24. H o m o s e x u a l / L e s b i a n love r e l a t i o n s h i p s
25. T o u c h i n g / n u r t u r i n g
26. The e x p e r i e n c e of my sexua l n e s s
27. What s e x u a l n e s s has g iven the r e l a t i o n s h i p

Twelfth Set (12/20/87)

This set is the result of c o l l a p s i n g Sets Ten and Eleven,

w h i c h then w e n t to the d e d u c t i v e judges.

1. love i s . . .
2. frie n d s and l o v e r s / l i k i n g a n d loving
3. c o m m i t m e n t and other c o v e n a n t s
4. problems
subset: p r o b l e m s un i q u e to gays
5. i m p o r t a n c e of c o m m u n i c a t i o n / m e t a c o m m u n i c a t i o n
6. feelings
7. u n i q u e n e ss
8. the s t o r y / a c c o u n t
9. the future
10. p h y s i c a l factors
subsets:
a. t o u c h i n g
b. eye gaze
c. smell
d. s e xuality

After eac h of the t hree d e d u c t i v e co d e r s put r e s p o n s e s

into the a b o v e ca t e g o r i e s , the c a t e g o r i e s were further
refined. T h e i r r e l i a b i l i t y scores w ere 0.55, 0.66, and
0.74 on their f irst sortings. Each time, the r e s e a r c h e r
d i s c u s s e d the s i m i l a r i t i e s and d i f f e r e n c e s w i t h the sorters,
then c o l l a p s e d or r e - n a m e d catego r i e s . On the final pass,
the t h i r d coder a n d the r e s e a r c h e r f o u n d suff i c i e n t
a g r e e m e n t (0.85) to acc e p t t hese final categories.

1 16
Final Categories (1/2/88)

* represents carryovers f rom Set Twelve.

* 1. love i s . . .
2. romance
3. attraction
4. compari sons
*5. commitment
*6. problems
*7. communication
*8 . feelings
9. ambivalence
10. description of the s e l f / l o v e r
11. description of the b e l o v e d
12. description of the r e l a t i o n s h i p
*13. the future
14. p h y s i c a l fact o r s
15. s e x uality

1 17
 APP EN DI X F

SUBJECTS

S u b j e c t s of t his study w e r e f o u r t e e n men an d w o m e n who

c o n s i d e r e d t h e m s e l v e s to be in love at the time of the
interview.

1. Patti, divorced, recent g r a d u a t e of m a s t e r ' s p r o g r a m in

g u i d a n c e and c o u n s e l i n g , small Montana city, age 32; belo v e d
Paul, separated, c o u n s e l o r ,age 42.

2. Emma, "married," p a s t o r / m i n i s t e r of m a i n s t r e a m
P r o t e s t a n t d e n o m i n a t i o n in suburb of large W e s t c oast city,
age 29; b e l o v e d Donna, social worker, age 34.

3. C h ristine, engaged, g r a d u a t e s t u d e n t / b i o c h e m i s t , re c e n t
Peace C orps volun t e e r , m i d w e s t e r n city, age 25; beloved
George, w i l d l i f e biolo g i s t , age 25.

4. Marit, single, e l e m e n t a r y school teacher, small west e r n

city, age 36; b e l o v e d Jeremy, teacher, p r e s u m e d mid- to late
thirties.

5. Sue, single, w o m e n ' s hea l t h care worker, small w e s t e r n

city, age 29; b e l o v e d Jane, p r e s u m e d early to m i d - t w e n t i e s .

6. Lisa, divorced, art g a l l e r y manager, small w e s t e r n city,

age 28; b e l o v e d Jamie, artist, p r e s u m e d late t w e n t i e s or
early thirties.

7. Rachel, engaged, u n i v e r s i t y student, small w e s t e r n

city, age 24; b e l o v e d Keith, student, age 22.

8. Mike, single, p h o t o g r a p h e r , small w e s t e r n city, age 31;

b e l o v e d Joel, student, age 26.

9. Chad, single, student, small w e s t e r n city, age 27;

b e l o v e d Margie, age 22.

10. Joe, engaged, b u s i n e s s / c o m m u n i c a t i o n student, small

w e s t e r n city, age 22; b e l o v e d Mary, student, age 24.

11. Dan, single, c o m m u n i c a t i o n student, small w e s t e r n city,

age 22; b e l o v e d Annie, student, divorced, age 34.

12. Blake, single, s t u d e n t / b u s i n e s s owner, small w e s t e r n

city, age 26; b e l o v e d Steve, age 31.

13. Calvin, single, stud e n t / w r i t e r , small w e s t e r n city, age

1 18
24; be lo v e d Matt, artist/gallery manager, late twenties.

14. Ray, engaged, r e c e n t c o l l e g e g r a d u a t e / s c i e n c e teacher,

small w e s t e r n city, age 24; b e l o v e d Karin, p e r s o n n e l
p r o f e s s i o n a l , age 24.

1 19
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