Hello!

Whether you have experienced childhood emotional neglect and/or any form of
abuse, you may struggle to identify your feelings. Perhaps you feel empty, numb,
overwhelmed with such a mixture of emotions that it is difficult to identify which
feelings you are experiencing. Here are some tips for you to start identifying,
naming and working on your feelings.

Being in touch with our emotions is so important for our well-being. Feelings tell
us, for example, about what is important for us and whether we should avoid
something (safety vs danger). Even powerful feelings like anger have a purpose
and anger tell us about our boundaries being violated. What matters is how you
react to the powerful feelings.

Being able to name feelings can help to reduce anxiety and overwhelm,
depression, unhelpful coping strategies like emotional eating, drinking to number
your feelings or out of control anger or other out of control behaviours. Don’t
worry if you struggle to start with, with practice it will get easier.

First, start by identifying blocks for your knowing your feelings. Really spend time
reflecting on what were the messages on feelings in your family, as this will help
you to start accessing your feelings. Secondly, in order to understand your
feelings, think about times when you have felt certain feelings in the past. Thirdly,
spend time reflecting on how you respond to your feelings at present. This is to
help you to become aware of behaviour patterns that you may not generally be
aware of. Fourthly, start keeping a log on events, thoughts, your feelings and how
you feel in your body. The more time you spend recording your experiences, the
more familiar and hopefully easier it will become for you. Finally, I will give you
some pointers on how you could start developing new ways of responding to your
feelings in the future.

I hope you find this booklet useful. I'm always happy to receive feedback and would
love to hear from you.

Warm wishes,

Dr Mari
info@drmarikovanen.co.uk
www.drmarikovanen.co.uk

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1. Identify blocks for knowing your feelings
The messages from our early environment largely determine how we respond to feelings
even as an adult. In order to help you to start accessing your feelings, it is important to
recognise the blocks you might have developed for accessing and understanding your
feelings.
What was your parents’, teachers’ or other significant authority figures’ message on
feelings when you were growing up? (Tick the ones that apply)
• Feelings are bad
• Feelings must not be talked about and must be ignored or brushed under the carpet
• Feelings are shameful
• Being emotional is shameful
• Only positive feelings are allowed
• To talk about or understand one’s feelings is being weak
• I was punished for my feelings
• Feelings are too overwhelming and I must not tell my parents as they might not be able
to handle my feelings
• If you acknowledge powerful feelings, such as anger, you are out of control (e.g. violent
or aggressive)
• My feelings don’t matter
• Any other message:______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________

How would you challenge the messages now as an adult?

_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________

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2. Identify when you have felt these primary
feelings in the past:

Describe situations where you have felt these particular feelings in the past.
This may seem like a basic task to do, but if you are really struggling with
identifying and naming your feelings, you have to start building your emotional
awareness from the basics.

Joy____________________________________________________

Anger__________________________________________________

Fear___________________________________________________

Grief or Sadness_________________________________________

Excitement_____________________________________________

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3. Identify your current way of dealing with
feelings
List here how you deal with these particular emotions:

Anger _________________________________________________________________

Sadness________________________________________________________________

Shame_________________________________________________________________

Joy____________________________________________________________________

Fear___________________________________________________________________

Anxiety_________________________________________________________________

Excitement______________________________________________________________

If you feel numb or your feelings seem like a big mess, don't worry, the next part of the
workbook helps you to accessing your feelings. If it is difficult to name them, pay
particular attention to the physical sensations you experience with feelings.

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 EVENT YOUR YOUR YOUR
WHAT THOUGHTS TUE
FEELINGS MON
PHYSICAL
HAPPENED? (USE THE SENSATIONS
EMOTION & WHERE DO
WHEEL ON YOU FEEL
THE NEXT THEM?
PAGE TO
SUPPORT
YOU )
4. "Getting to know my feelings"
Record here events, thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations
 Emotion wheel

When starting to log your feelings, you can use this emotion wheel to
name your experiences.

Image from www.prideinmadness.wordpress.com 5

5. What will I do with my feelings now?
There are many ways to react to your feelings. Don’t be surprised if you might feel
the intensity if you have been hiding your feeling in the past. Getting to know your
feelings can be initially scary but I will here list some tips on what to do with your
emotions.

• “Sit with your feelings” – This is a term often used in therapy. It is about
allowing your feelings to come and fully embrace the experience. Find a space
where you won’t be disturbed and allow yourself to fully feel the feelings. Feeling
your feelings allows you to get in touch with you and understand who you really are
as well as grow a tolerance and acceptance of your feelings. Remember to practice
deep breathing whilst you are experiencing your feelings and acknowledging them.

(Please note that if you are triggered by past trauma, this is not recommended to
be done alone and it would be better to use grounding skills to manage your
feelings. My website has a FREE Safe/Happy place guided meditation that can
help you if you are triggered by past trauma, find it by following this link:
http://www.drmarikovanen.co.uk/balance-feel-content-life-e-book/self-compassion-
guided-meditation)

• Examine what the feelings are telling you - Feelings probably have a message
about your needs so be really attentive to the message. If you have in the past
always reacted, for example, to your partner and feel angry with them, examine,
what you feel behind the anger. Perhaps it is fear of being rejected, hurt from the
past etc.

• Mindfulness - Imagine feelings are like waves, they come and go. Just observe
them and let them go without doing anything. Notice what happens in your body as
well.

• Practice self-compassion – With feelings such as shame or guilt, practising self-

compassion (becoming your best friend, accepting that suffering is part of being
human, and being mindful of your feelings) can help to alleviate the pain.

• Problem solving – You may have a concrete problem that needs solving and is
causing unpleasant feelings. Think about how could you resolve this dilemma and
who could help you with it.

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• Seek support - All of us need support from time to time. Speaking to a good friend
or a therapist can help to reduce and tolerate painful feelings.

Disclaimer: This workbook does not replace therapy and seeing a mental health
professional, but it can be used as part of self-development.

I hope that you have found the workbook helpful!

Best wishes with getting to know you. Remember, you are one of a kind!

Let your light shine through!