THE GOVERNMENT INSPECTOR — NIKOLAI GOGOL

ADAPTED BY ALEX KENDALL ROBSON

100 second excerpt

MAYOR
Stepan Ilych, what the fuck are you doing just sitting there?

POLICE COMMISSIONER
What do you want me to do? Run around!? It’s bloody hot today.

MAYOR
Right, well, you just sit there and listen to me. A government inspector has come
from St Petersburg, and I want to know what you’re going to do about it.

POLICE COMMISSIONER
Anton Antonovich, I’m the Police Commissioner. I don’t do anything.

MAYOR
Jesus wept.

POLICE COMMISSIONER
Doing things is for people who are paid a lot less than me.

MAYOR
Right, so, tell your subordinates to get out there and clean the streets.

POLICE COMMISSIONER
Literally or guratively?

MAYOR
What?

POLICE COMMISSIONER
Well, do you want them arresting crooks or sweeping?

MAYOR
Both. No, wait, just the sweeping. If we arrest all the crooks, it won’t give your people anything to
do when the government inspector starts looking.

POLICE COMMISSIONER
So you don’t want us arresting any criminals? Easy. It’s business as usual then.

MAYOR
And what about the crooked cops?

POLICE COMMISSIONER
(raising with indignation) How dare you suggest—

MAYOR
Not you, the other crooked cops.

POLICE COMMISSIONER
(immediately paci ed) Ah, well, what about them?

MAYOR
How crooked are they?

POLICE COMMISSIONER
They could be more crooked.
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 MAYOR
Ah.

POLICE COMMISSIONER
The ones coming through the academy these days, they lack ambition. Crime might not pay, but
policing sure can.

MAYOR
Well, just, keep ‘em in line. Straighten out the sloppy ones and bend the straight ones.

POLICE COMMISSIONER
Fair cop.

MAYOR
Where’s Derzhimorda?

POLICE COMMISSIONER
White collar crime.

MAYOR
Investigating or committing?

POLICE COMMISSIONER
Depends on the time of day.

MAYOR
Right, and I suppose Prokhorov would be shit-faced by now.

POLICE COMMISSIONER
Correct.

MAYOR
Look, I mean, fair’s fair, but it’s a bit early in the day to be drunk.

POLICE COMMISSIONER
It’s early in the day to get drunk. He’s drunk from yesterday.

MAYOR
What happened yesterday?

POLICE COMMISSIONER
There was a drunken disorderly.

MAYOR
What happened?

POLICE COMMISSIONER
He calmed down a bit once he got his kebab.

MAYOR
Fine, ne. But I want police on the streets, out in force. Enforcing laws. And forcing people not to
tell lies about me. I will not tolerate talk about corruption! Oh, God in Heaven, if you see me
through this, I’ll donate a fortune to the church. Some of the money might even be mine
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