DEDICATION

This book I dedicate to iScelo sam, iHubo lam neZaga zam. I love you all very much and I
thank God for you each day.
Love was not enough for us, though we were much in love—Anon
Prologue

There was a time so long ago when life was simple, when the decisions you made had no
repercussions. There was a time so long past when we said what we meant and meant
what we said. When my best friend was the only person that mattered most to me.

Now I cannot even look at her in the eye without wishing and hoping that the woman who
birthed me could have thrown me down a long pit toilet. Maybe my mother saw who I was
before I became who I am. She had in fact saved herself from the evilness that was I.

They say mothers always know, yes I am quite sure she had seen me before I could see
myself. There were many moments I could have stopped this charade, moments I could
have said no. In those moments, we could be well on the good path, on the path that was
well and acceptable. And yet I had continued in the lie. What was I hoping to have hap-
pen?

That maybe he and I would live in a parallel universe where we could be together,
without all this pain, betrayal and confusion? Could I be happy in a universe without
Tobi? With just Mlibo and I? I did not know, but what I did know was I could not live in the
universe where he was hers and I was his but he was not mine…

People like to pride themselves as being good. We all love to believe we are good
people, granted, not as well as angels and saints. It never occurs to us that we are as
good as our circumstances allow and that unless you are truly and utterly tested, you are
as bad as the rest.

Humans love to judge, we love to think that if we were in the same circumstances we
would make better decisions. I found out that this wasn’t true; that there are some
circumstances that almost guarantee our downfalls. No matter how we rage and fight, how
we search our souls and DNA to find the goodness in us, if circumstances aren’t condu-
cive then you will make bad decisions.

I also learned something else. If we would ever be given the chance to go back in time, to
redo things we would make the same bad decisions. And this we will do knowing exactly
what the consequences are. This is called predestination.

You can’t get out of it; it’s a path that was long mapped out for you, long before you
were even born. So what does this say? Does it say we should feel a little less guilty
about our decisions? That in fact we should go down a disastrous path because well it’s
meant to be? No, it simply means we should judge people a little less, that maybe we
shouldn’t think had it been us in their shoes we would have done better.

I guess I’m laying this out hoping when you read my story, you will judge me a little less. I
know there will be instances you will feel I could have, should have done things differently.
But for the life of me I don’t think I could have. I mean I know I should have but there is no
way I could.

Now I ask myself that given the opportunity to do things over would I have taken a differ-
ent path…and my answer comes without hesitation is no I would have taken the exact
same route. What I mean is simple: I wouldn’t change a thing…..
CHAPTER 1

Tobi and I have been friends since we were both 5 years old, twenty years ago. We met at
an orphanage, her parents were dead. My parents were out there somewhere and couldn’t
be bothered with a child; I had been dumped at the doorstep of the orphanage when I was a
day old.

They know this because I was still covered with blood and all the gory stuff. Seems my mom
had given birth to me and immediately dumped me. I doubt I even nursed on her breast.

I remember when they brought Tobi at the orphanage she had cried for weeks, refusing to
eat or play with the rest of us. The only time she was quite was if she was sleeping, even that
didn’t come easy.

We shared a bed her and me in a room we shared with six other girls, two girls in a bed there
were four beds. I would listen to Tobi crying for hours before eventually falling asleep. I want-
ed to hug and tell her everything would be ok, but I didn’t want to lie to her. Nothing was ever
going to be ok. Not in here anyways.

I overheard the social worker tell our supervisor of how they found Tobi. She was crying on
the decomposing bodies of her parents. Her father had shot her mother and had turned the
gun on himself. Not a single thought about the child he would be leaving behind to fend for
herself. And that is exactly what she did.

After learning to trust me and stop crying Tobi and I were inseparable. I remember how we
would always hold each other while we slept. If she had a nightmare which was more fre-
quent than not I would sing her back to sleep. I sung to her a song she had told me her mom
sang to her. This would always bring comfort to her and she would go to sleep almost imme-
diately.

We thrived in that orphanage, we had each other’s back and the other children knew not to
mess with us. I loved Tobi and I knew she loved me just as much. We made a pact to always
be together. She was a sister to me. I was lucky, my sister, best friend and soul mate were
all one person.

Life at the orphanage was as could be expected. We got by, we didn’t have the best of eve-
rything but we had some. We never went to bed hungry but we could go for weeks with only
hard brown bread and a soup that was more water than soup. We would wear our clothes
until they literally fell off out bodies, but at least we had clothes.

It was during these hard times that people would come into the orphanage to donate
shoes and uniforms. We were grateful for this. At least at school we would look like
other kids.

It was during these donation ceremonies that I remember a lady who I thought had the most
beautiful face I’d ever seen, had on the most beautiful dress and stilettos. She looked right at
us and said, “Do you girls want to be like me one day? To have
money, your own house and car? Then study and study hard. You will be just like me.” I do not
know what she was professionally but I did know I wanted to be like her.

Unbeknownst to me the lady had affected Tobi the same way. And so that mapped out our lives.
We studied and studied hard, with the lady’s picture in our head. We would not be the victim of
out circumstances. After completing our grade 12 with flying colours Tobi and I got bursaries to
study further. She wanted to be a doctor and I wanted to be an actuary.

Her bursary was only applicable to the Eastern Cape Province and so she had to study at the
Walter Sisulu University they did not have what I needed so I had to go to UCT to study finance
that would lead me to actuary. We were devastated. We did not want to part. She was my half
and I was hers, how could I survive without her? But our dreams were bigger.

We promised each other as soon as we were done studying we would relocate back to Johan-
nesburg to be together. Rent out our own apartment and just be together. East she went and
West I took. It was the longest 7 years of my life. Being away from her was the hardest thing I
had ever done. But we kept in contact. From emails, we moved to mxit and later on WhatsApp.

I still kept up the same spirit of studying hard, Tobi didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, Tobi passed quite
well.
She just didn’t have to study as hard as I did, it came natural for her. She was
intelligent. I on the other hand had to work extremely hard for my distinctions. Leaving me with
very little time to do anything else. Tobi partied hard; she met boys and broke hearts. She had
her heart broken a couple of times too.

On the other side of the universe I completed my schooling with no friends and my
virginity intact. I figured I would have all the time in the world to do the other things as soon as I
got my qualification.

Tobi was the first to go to Johannesburg in 2015. I would follow the following year; she was excit-
ed to go to all the places she had only ever seen on TV. The same year she bought her first car,
a BMW. She bought a 20-inch Brazilian weave and officially became a Jozi girl.

She bought one for me too, she couriered it to Cape Town. Of course, I did not put it on. I thought
it would only be appropriate to do so once I was in Johannesburg.

Three months after settling in Johannesburg, Tobi called to tell me to tell me she had
met someone, that this time around she had met her soul mate. I was happy for her
albeit a bit sceptical. Tobi had a knack for falling in and out of love quite frequently. Six months
later, they were still together and I finally sat up and noticed.

I wanted to know about the man who seemed to have managed the impossible, pinning down my
Tobi. November 2015 my Tobi was engaged. I was ecstatic for her. Of course there was the
small problem of Lobola. It was only fitting that it be paid to me. We had earlier on decided that
when one of us gets married we would receive lobola on each other’s behalf. The money would
be donated back to the orphanage to help other girls like ourselves.

I had before begged Tobi to send me a picture of this knight in shining armour but she insisted I
should see him when I came to Johannesburg. “Pictures don’t do him justice Tee,” she insisted.

She called him McDreamy. She said he was a doctor and the man of her dreams (and she took
the name from her favourite series that I was yet to watch, Grey’s Anatomy).
When I asked her what made her so sure, he was the one she said it was the small
things, he opened doors for her, and he was polite, well mannered, cared about his
patients and was always obvious to her needs.

I was touched. The calibre of men had deteriorated over the years, chivalry was indeed dead. I
was glad there was one who didn’t value alcohol and friends before his woman. A man who had-
n’t been caught cheating (this I know because Tobi always checked his phone while he was in
the shower) and a man who wanted to settle down. Tobi planned an engagement party the week-
end before I was to start at my new job at KPMG.

I was excited and so ready to leave Cape Town behind. After endless training and board exams I
was finally a qualified actuary. I could work anywhere in the world. I chose Johannesburg of
course. I would finally be together with my Tobi; I didn’t know this was the beginning of the end
for us….
CHAPTER 2

I took nothing with me to Johannesburg, not that I had much. I sold my bed, TV, sleeper couch
and fridge. I had a big suitcase and a handbag when I boarded SAA to Johannesburg. KPMG
had booked for me a room at the Sandton Sun Hotel. I would stay there until month end and then
move to my own place. Tobi was going to help me find the perfect place around Sandton.

This was it! The year I would let my hair down (yes the Brazilian weave my Tobi got
me), have sex, get drunk until I threw up at the back of a cab. Party on a Sunday while going to
work the next morning. I had spent so much of my years wasting away behind books; this was
my year to come alive. But most of all I would finally be with my Tobi again, and that was best of
all.

Granted McDreamy was going to be part of the picture but not the whole picture. And
hey I may just find my very own dream guy. But I wanted to first play around before
settling done. I had a lot to make up for.

I landed in Johannesburg in the evening. I had hoped Tobi would come and pick me up but she
was on night shift for the week. She promised to come see me on Saturday. It wasn’t a train
smash, time would fly by and besides I had much to do with the HR department at work. KPMG
had arranged for a cab to pick me up.

As I walked out after luggage pick up there was an old Indian guy standing there with a paper
and my name scribed so perfectly Miss Kulu. It felt good. We drove straight to the hotel. I
checked in and was blown away by the ambience of the place and the elegant atmosphere.

The room was on the third floor and quite breath taking, from the view to the white linen and the
bathroom. KPMG was the best company to work at. I took a bath and headed to bed. The pillows
felt heavenly and did things to my neck. I sent Tobi a message telling her I had arrived safely and
would see her Saturday. I went directly to sleep.

I spent the following day on the Friday at our head offices in Sandton signing papers
and getting inducted to the company. I could definitely see myself thriving in that work environ-
ment. I also received a company car, a c200 Mercedes Benz coupe red. If I spent five years with
the companies it would be mine.

Any time before then they would take it away. I have a feeling I would be affording it on my own
in a couple of months so I wasn’t fazed much. There was also a great housing allowance in tow. I
had always figured I would buy my first house with Tobi but now that she was getting married it
wasn’t to be. She would however help me shop around.

I was tired by afternoon and decide I would go shopping for an outfit for Tobi’s
engagement party. I had really hoped she would be with me to help me choose the
perfect outfit. She was so good with clothes. In the end I settled for a royal blue summer dress
that complimented my skin tone.

That done I went directly to the hotel and had a bath and took a powernap. I woke up
around 7pm and decided to go to the dining hall for my supper.

I sat inside, I decided against going to the roof. There were screaming girls who were speaking
loudly and taking selfies. Not my scene.
I was never a people’s person and was rather shy. As soon as I walked in to a room I would im-
mediately be self-conscious. Now I was not an ugly woman on the contrary I have always been
told I was beautiful, as the UCT guys who tried to smack on me would say. I never believed it
though; I guess it stemmed from being abandoned as a baby.

I decided to try a glass of their sauvignon Blanc cloudy bay. It would be my first glass of alcohol,
definitely wouldn’t be my last. I tried their lamb shank, absolutely heavenly. When I was done I
ordered another glass. Cloudy Bay was fast becoming my alcohol of choice.

The lights in the dining room area were low and music from the piano was playing. I was on my
Facebook using the hotel’s free Wi-Fi friending all my UCT classmates and liking their pictures.
Now that I was done with school I wanted to experience everything I had missed out on.

I looked up from my phone and that’s when I saw him…….

A man sited on the table exactly 3 feet in front of me, his chair facing my table sipping on a glass
I assume there was whiskey inside. Our chairs directly facing each other like some twisted plan
of fate. I wouldn’t have missed him if I tried. While I was ogling him he suddenly looked up and
saw me. I have seen handsome men before in my life, hell I have been attracted to men before in
my life. But it was never anything like this, eyes that pulled you in and shifted your universe.

A face of a man that is not of this world. I know this sounds cliché but at the moment our eyes
locked I could not tear them off him. His eyes pulled me in. Suddenly the room disappeared and it
was just him and I in a dessert with a whirlwind all round. It’s funny how I should describe it as
such, because that is exactly how our relationship would be. Us being the centre of a storm.

My tummy was doing stuff I had no idea could happen, felt like someone was tickling
me with a feather. Not enough to make me laugh yet enough for me to notice.
I remembered myself and looked away but I could not still the hammering of my heart. What was
this happening to me? From my peripheral I saw him get up from his chair and make his way to
my table.

I did what I had always done when I saw a guy I was attracted to, I ran. This time I flew out of the
dining room area, my heart beating at thundering speed I was sure he could hear it. I abruptly
stood and went running to the lifts. The darn thing was on the 10 th floor.

I kept pressing the lift buttons hoping it would miraculously open and as I was pressing the button
again a hand stopped mine mid action and before I could even see his face I knew it was him.
The minute our hands touched something happened.

You know the feeling of touching your own hand? That feeling of touching another part of your-
self. So right and so expected. Like you have touched each other all your lives? I stood there my
back still facing him, I refused to turn and we just stood there with our hands locked.

What a strange sight we must have made. The lift doors opened and thankfully there was no one
inside. We both walked into the lift. I remember a time when I was 16 and attending winter clas-
ses at a school down the road from the orphanage and I had met a boy there Ntiliso, one day af-
ter class we stayed behind and I let him kiss me and feel me up.

That I think was the most action I got thus far and Ntiliso was a good kisser and he made me feel
things. But that feeling was nothing compared to what I was feeling right at the lift with this man
who I still refused to look at holding my hand. He was now standing next to me and still holding
my hand.
I did not know what was going to happen when the lift doors opened but I did know that I did not
want this man to let go of my hand. It was the most erotic moment of my life. The lift opened and
we walked into the foyer. My heart was beating at a hundred times its normal rate. I took out the
key card. We walked in. I walked in first; he closes the door behind him.
We stand for what seems like a lifetime. Neither of us moves. I turn around and I face him. My
breath hitches, our eyes locked. This close I can see him clearly, every single detail of him. He
was taller than I, my head reached his broad shoulders and a square jaw. He had a small set of
eyes that were looking intensely at me at that moment. At that very moment I couldn’t breathe.

At that moment I couldn’t move. What is going on? What is it about this man that makes me lose
all my senses and my mobility? And then he did something I was going to wish he had never
done, he smiled at me. And that was all it took. If I look back on it now it was at that moment that
I fell madly in love with this man.

At that moment that my sub conscience recognized that this man would bring me to my knees.
That I would follow him to the end of the cliff and beyond.

“My name is Mlibo, for the life of my I can’t explain why I’m here but I know for damn sure I could-
n’t let you walk away,” he said. Even his voice was beautiful.

“Hi Mlibo I’m Thule and I’m glad you followed me.”
I was also smiling, but my smile was like one of a love-struck teenager, blushing and
smiling ear to ear.

Then he leaned in and did something that sealed my fate, he kissed me. And that moment was
my undoing. I kissed him back and I promise the universe shattered, debris of stars fell all
around us and it mattered not, all that mattered was the feel of his soft lips on mine.

His tongue sought entrance into my mouth and I opened to him, the minute our tongues danced I
moaned. No one has ever kissed me like this, with such passion, such desire and such tender-
ness. Before I knew it we were on the bed, duvet removed and he slowly took of my clothes.

I had no hesitation no reservations about what I knew was coming. I wanted it as much as he did,
proof of his want creating a tent in his pants. I decided to be brave and took off his clothes too.
Now we were naked facing each other. He was looked at me as he sought permission. What was
wrong with me really? Was this normal? Can you meet a guy and barely 10 minutes later lose
your virginity to him?

Did I even know this guy except for his name? Was that even his name?

The hesitation must have passed through my eyes as because immediately he said” There is no
rush, I’d never force you to do something you are not comfortable by” That was the moment I
should have stopped the moment my sanity should have taken over.

But there was no sanity with Mlibo, I looked him in the eye and said “Do you have a condom.”

We lay in the aftermath of our love-making, him holding me to his chest tightly. There in the crook
of his arm I found solace and peace. A sort of serenity I can’t put into words.
We fell asleep like that and somewhere in the middle of the night woke to make love
again and again. In the morning he got up, took a shower and woke me up before he left took my
number and promised to call. He said he had to rush off to work. I realised after he left I didn’t ask
where he worked. I realised I hadn’t asked him a lot of things.

I just spent the whole night clinging to him like glue, even now I missed him. His cologne was in-
fused in my bed and I didn’t want to get up from it. I missed him already. Was this even normal?

In the end I needed to get ready for the engagement party. I got up and took a long bath, I
missed breakfast and decided I would grab something on the way. I dressed, Tobi sent a text to
tell me she was already at the venue and I needed to come early to catch up before everyone ar-
rived. Mlibo called as I was walking out of the door. “Hello beautiful, he said and rendered my
legs jelly.

“Hi you’, I was just thinking about you.

“I’ve been thinking about you all morning, I want to leave everything here and come to you”

“Its crazy right, I miss you yet I barely know you.”

“I know, he said, “are you busy tonight?”

“No I’m not,” I replied hoping he’d say he would come.

“Can I visit again?” he asked thrilling my heart.

“Yes please!” I replied and we both laughed.

“See you tonight.” he said and we said our goodbyes.

The venue was around Sandton so in five minutes I was there. Tobi met me outside as I got out
of the cab. We both screamed and threw our arms around each other. Tobi was a crier and she
started bawling. I always could handle my emotions but at that moment I cried too.

“Oh my goodness Tobs, you look absolutely radiant” I said as I pulled away from our hug and ad-
mired her. “Oh I’ve missed you so much, I continued. I cannot believe I’m with you again after all
these years.”

“I know I can hardly believe it myself, Oh Tee look at you. You are gorgeous and that is Doctor to
you,” she said teasingly.

“Oh excuse me Miss Fancy pants, come let’s go in and you can tell me all about.”

We made our way inside the venue, the décor was beautiful. We went over to the bar
and ordered drinks and caught up. We spoke about everything and anything.

“So are you finally going to tell me about Dr McDreamy, I said.

“I will do better than that I will let you meet him, she said. Oh but Tee he is amazing. You know
that saying you meet all the wrong people so you can appreciate the one when he finally comes?
I get it now. He gets me, he loves me, and he respects me and best of all he wants a future with
me.

“Wow that sounds so soapy, I said to which we both laughed. “But I sort of get it now.”

“Oh?” Tobi said looking inquisitively at me.

“There is a guy, but I will tell you about him later I see two people just walked in to go be a good
host,” I said.

Tobi got up and left and more people started arriving.

CHAPTER 3

I sat at the bar as Tobi welcomed her guest and some came over to say hi and sat with me at the
bar. Then Tobi made her way to the bar pulling a man whose head was turned and I assumed
speaking to other guest.

“Tee, meet my future husband,” she said. The same moment Dr McDreamy turned his head
around.

I was smiling as I stretched out my hand; he had on a smile that immediately froze on his face.

Oh no, oh no! Of all the cruel things life can throw my way this can’t be it, I was dreaming. Yes
that is what it was, I was seeing things, and I was seeing him everywhere because I had been
thinking about him so much.

There is no way he was now standing right next to me and being introduced as Tobi’s fiancé. He
was my Mlibo! There was no way. And yet there he was, and we stood there frozen both willing
the other to disappear.

“So babe this is my sister Thule, she knows all about as you do her and now you guys finally
meet, Tobi said.

Mlibo immediately put on a blank look and giving me his hand said, “Hi Thule so nice to finally
meet you.”

So that’s how we were going to be playing it? But what was the alternative? Oh baby I’ve met
your sister already I made sweet love to her all night long just the other day? I didn’t think so.

“Nice to meet you too Mlibo, I’ve heard so much about you,” I said in a voice I could
barely recognize. I did not take his hand. He let his drop.

“Good things I hope,” he said.

I simply nodded. I did not trust myself to speak.

“Oh and babe get this our Thule has already met a guy in Johannesburg, isn’t that just so Thule?
My sister can be so naïve about these things,” Tobi said.

Mlibo looked right at me and said. “Is that right?

It was at that moment that a friend of Tobi came to congratulate her. They moved a little further
left from us. The room felt like it was spinning. I was looking at Mlibo but his image was getting
blurry what was going on? Oh I was crying.

How embarrassing. He was looking at me and with a pained expression on his face and he said,
“I’m sorry.” He said it so softly barely hearing him above the low hums of music but I heard him.

I heard him because I wanted him to be sorry. I wanted him to be sorry that he had looked up-
from his drink at the dining hall, sorry that he had taken my hand at the lift
and walked into my room. I wanted him to be sorry that he had smiled and in that smile set my
world apart. I wanted him to be sorry that he had kissed me and in that kiss had stolen my very
heart.

I wanted him to be sorry that he had made love to me and in that lovemaking possessed my
soul. But most importantly I wanted to be sorry that he was my sister’s fiancé and in that very fact
shattered my world as I knew it.

I knew I needed to get out of there just to gather my wits about me. I did not respond to him, in-
stead I wiped my tears and ran off to the bathroom. Finding an empty stall I
locked and sat on the closed toilet. I started heaving, my heart plummeting at a high
speed. How could this be happening to me? I’m so stupid though, any other person
would have seen this for what it was.

A man who had seen a woman of loose morals and had taken advantage of that. I
groaned as I hid my face in my hands thinking of how I let him hold my hand and led me a road
of destruction. He must have been laughing all the way to the third floor thinking how easy a con-
quest I was.

But what was more agonizing at this moment was that the predator who had preyed on my na-
ivety was my sister’s fiancé. The magnitude of that knowledge overwhelmed me, threatening to
bring me to my knees. Was he telling her the truth right now? Would my sister now hate me?
Why would she hate me though? I did not know who he was when I slept with him.

Somehow I doubted Mlibo would tell her, such men did not have any honest bone in
their body. Somehow I knew it would be up to me to tell her. To shatter her dreams, to tell her
that her McDreamy was exactly that, a dream. In real life he was a man whore who preyed on
weak and vulnerable women at hotels.
Would our relationship as sisters and best friend ever survive? What if she decides to forgive
Mlibo and continue to be with him, could I bear to be around him for the rest of our lives? Granted
my feelings for him would subside now that I knew our moment together was nothing but a cheap
escapade at a hotel. At this moment I didn’t know how it was going to happen because just this
morning I could have sworn he was the love of my life.

Maybe to save my relationship with the one person I loved more than anything else in this world I
could just keep quite. But even as the thought crept into my head I knew I couldn’t do it. Tobi and
I had always been honest with each other and I wouldn’t start lying now. And besides she needed
to know exactly what she was getting herself into.

She needed to know what type of a man Mlibo was. A man who had no qualms about bedding
another woman a day before his engagement party. My sister deserved better. I walked out of the
bathroom with a determination. I was determined to tell my sister the truth and she would decide
on what to do. I just hope it was to break up with him. My Tobi deserved better. And of course I
would be there to help her through it.

I walked back to the table to find everyone sited and as I was sitting down on my chair Tobi rose
and clicking her glass to gain her guest’s attention said, “Good, my sister is back. I was ready to
send out a search party.

Everyone laughed. I blushed. Again I do not like attention on me. She continued,” I would like to
take this moment to thank everyone for being here this evening, for your well wishes and your
gifts. We really appreciate every one of you all.

As she continued speaking I looked around the table and realised my Tobi was very lucky to
have so many people that she could call friend.

I returned my attention to her speech as she said, “I am also very happy to share our news with
you guys, she looked over at Mlibo as she beamed and half screamed” we are having a baby!” I
just found out this evening and I couldn’t have asked for a better gift.

“I know babies should come after the wedding but I’m not worried. I have the most amazing man
in my life and I know my child will grow up in a warm loving home. Something I never had. And I
promised myself that my kids will never know the pain of growing up in an orphanage with no
family. She had tears in her eyes as she finished her speech.

Everyone stood up all wanting to go to her and congratulate her further. I sat on my chair of
course; everything had just changed on me. There was no way I could tell her now. Unless I was
cruel, there is no way I would allow my sister’s child to grow up in a broken home. Every child de-
serves a warm home with both parents in it. If I told Tobi the truth, I would be single-handedly tak-
ing away all of that. Not to mention the pain Tobi would go through. I felt eyes on me and looked
up to find
Mlibo looking at me with the same pained expression he has been wearing since we were reintro-
duced. I quickly averted my eyes and looked over at Tobi who was laughed and chatting to a
group of friends.

I stood up and walked over to them.” Godmother coming through”, I said as I made my way to her
side. I gave her a hug which she returned affectionately.

“Congratulations Tobey Tobs. Choosing that very moment to use my pet name for her. You will
make such a wonderful mother. I’m so happy for you.”

I said all the right things a sister would say and I meant every one of my words, but why did it feel
like my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces?

From there on the party ended quite quickly. I told Tobi goodnight and would see her for break-
fast at her house tomorrow like we had planned. Of course I was not going to make it. I would call
her in the morning and make up an excuse. I made my way back to the hotel just past midnight
my head full of thoughts. One dominant than the others, I never should have come to Johannes-
burg.

I walked into my room and closed the door behind me and made my way to my bed still fully
clothes. And I did something I had wanted to do since I was introduced to Mlibo again at their en-
gagement party. I cried like a baby. Cried for my broken heart, cried for my sister who was now
stuck with a lying man and I cried for the relationship I had with my sister that I knew for sure
would forever be altered.

I heard a knock on my door. I had no idea who it could be at this hour, maybe hotel management
wanting to tell me something. I stood up and wiped my face and went to open the door. To say I
was shocked would be an understatement, to see Mlibo standing at the door. Seeing him stand-
ing at the door with that apologetic look on his face gave me the same feeling I get every time I
see him.

This angered me. I saw red. “You have a mighty big nerve you now that?” I said as I slammed the
door on his face. Only the door didn’t slam because he caught it half way.

“Please Thule I just need two minutes to explain things please,” he said.

“And what explanation might that be Mlibo huh? That you are not engaged to my sister and you
two are not having a baby? Or that it wasn’t you who just barely 48 hours ago was in my bed hav-
ing sex with me all night long?”

He did not respond, he just stood there and stared at me. So I continued. “You are my sister's fi-
ancé and you are having a baby with her!” I said, the statement sounding like an accusation. I
was crying again, why did I always do that in front of him?

“It's not that simple dammit,” he said as he pushed his way into my room. He turned to face me. I
left the door open making it clear that he wasn't welcome.

“I just I want to explain to you so that you don't think I'm some guy who goes around
doing this sort of thing.”

I snorted. “Look Mlibo, I cut him in his tirade. I knew what this was when I got into it ok. I wanted
to get loose for the first time in my life and you were there. You were horny and I was there.
That's all there is to it. It's unfortunate that our moment of weakness and debauchery now has a
direct impact on my sister.”

He was silent again so I continued. “My sister is having your child and you guys are getting mar-
ried I will not ruin that for her by telling her about us. You will not ruin this for her by doing what
you did with me with some other woman. I mean it Mlibo it stops. My sister deserves a good man.
A man that loves her and is faithful to her and you will be that to her or help me I will hurt you.
Understand me?”
He looked at me dead in the eye and said "I am that man".

I snorted again and said, “Don't you worry Mlibo, I will never tell my sister about what happened
here. I will not ruin this for you.”

“Right, he said. Thank you.”

He turned to leave. It wouldn't be the last time he would walk away from me.

At the doors threshold he turned and looked at me. Like he was taking all of me in and storing me
to memory knowing that this was the last time he would ever do so freely. I stared back at him
only my eyes weren't roaming I was looking at his eyes. He walked out and closed the door be-
hind him. I let out a breath I did not know I was holding. I walked over to my bed and morning
found me still staring into space.
CHAPTER 4

I woke up to take a bath deciding to go down to breakfast after and sleep all day. I sent Tobi a
message telling her I wasn't feeling well so I would take a rain check on the breakfast.

I opened the water to a scorching degree and went it. As if the hot water would take away all that
had happened to my body. That maybe it would seal me back up like my sister's fiancé hadn't in-
vaded me. No, I hadn't let him invade me.

I must have dozed off because I was woken up by a banging at the door and cold water all
around me. I'm coming I called out to the insistent knocking; wrapping a large towel I went to
open the door. And there stood Tobi, Mlibo and a guy that looked familiar, I must have seen him
at the party.

“Tobi I'm naked,” I screamed as I slammed the door in their faces.

I scrambled across my room trying to dress up and make my bed all at the same time. I put on my
boyfriend jeans and a tank top. I checked out my face and it looked descent enough. I went to
open the door.

They were all now sitting on the floor all of them glued to their phones.

“I'm sorry guys, I guess that's what you get for showing up unannounced,” I said as I let them into
my room.

“I tried to call you Tee, to give you a heads up but you weren't picking up. I decided since you
couldn't come for breakfast, breakfast would come to you,” Tobi said as she held up brown bags
of food.

The other guy had a tray of what I assumed was coffee and Mlibo held 30 seconds in his arms.

“How rude of me. Tee this is Siya, Mlibo' s friend and also my friend. Siya this is Tee.” Tobi
winked at me.

He was a fine guy, well-built you could see he was friend with the gym.

“Hello Siya, nice to meet you,” came my reply.

He nodded with a smiled and replied with a “same here.”

They had brought croissants and coffee. Tobi and I sat on the bed and the guys pulled out the
two chairs on the study desk.

“So Tee I know this is a bit premature but how are you finding Joburg? Siya asked with a smiled.
He had a dimple. This guy was swoon worthy.

“Oh I haven’t been out much but from the little I had seen it’s very hot,” I replied.
“Yes it’s a scorcher this time of year, but don’t let that keep you in doors” Siya said.

Tobi turned to Mlibo and said, “Baby you know I just realised I left my tablet in the car, please
let’s go get it.”

I wasn’t stupid I knew Tobi was trying to give Siya and me a moment. If circumstances were dif-
ferent I think I would have given him a shot, but there is a bit of tackiness in sleeping with best
friends. Even for a girl that had slept with her sister’s fiancé.

I wondered if Mlibo had told Siya about us, fact that he might know left me feeling so exposed.
He must think I was cheap. I did after all sleep with a man I had just met.

“Don’t worry about it hun, I will go get it” was the reply from Mlibo getting up from his chair.

“Oh I don’t mind lets go babe,” Tobi said jumping out of the bed.

I watched them get out of the door, was it my imagination or did Mlibo just give me a murderous
look just before closing the door?

So let me introduce myself properly, I’m Siya Lwana all the way from Matatiele. And no I have
never had aspirations to be a doctor but when you come from a small town like I did with 5 out of
six distinctions that all that expected of you. I haven’t given up my dreams on being a male strip-
per though,” he said winking at me and giving me his dimpled smile.

I laughed at that. This guy was funny. I like that in a guy. Oh why did I sleep with his best friend!

My name is Thule, Thule. All my life I have always wanted to be an Actuary. When you were
raised in an orphanage the only way out is the top, I haven’t given up on being a male stripper
agent though.”

We both laughed out loud.

“I would like to take it upon myself to be your tour guide. Help you to explore Jozi and hey who
knows we might just end up at Teasers.”

I laughed again, this guy.

“You must be excited for Tobi. I know how excited Mlibo is, that’s all he talks about. Man, I can’t
wait to also have kids, best thing ever,” he said.

“Yes I am, I replied. It’s the best thing in the world, especially when you find the right partner.”

“Yes sure, like Tobi and Mlibo. Those two are a match made in heaven. I know they are in this for
the long haul. Two people that absolutely love each other.”
Each word he said felt like a little needle was piercing my heart. At that moment I did not know
whether he was just saying or he knew about us and was talking up for his friends either way it
hurt and I decided to drink my cold coffee to hide my face.

Tobi and Mlibo walked in, I was relieved. This day was fast going downhill for me, and at that mo-
ment I had a splitting headache.

“So now it’s time for 30 seconds guys,” Tobi said unpacking the game.

I did not want to play 30 seconds, I wanted them to leave. And take hot Siya with them.

“Guys thank you for coming but I really am not feeling too good and it’s my first day at work to-
morrow I have so much to do, I said.

“Oh no you don’t, come on Tee 2 hours max and we will be out of here,” insisted Tobi.

“So it’s Mlibo and I, you and Siya.”

“Nice try Tobi, you and Mlibo have memorised every word in this game. It’s Mlibo and Thule and
you and me,” said Siya.

We all sat on the carpet with Mlibo next to me and Tobi and Siya on the other side of the board
game. We came in second.

I believe it was inevitable. No way could I think straight with Mlibo staring at me or him rubbing
himself against me when he was moving us on the board.

I thought after I had discovered what I did last night it would be so easy to get him out of my sys-
tem but it was not to be.

He still made my heart race, made me squirm on my seat whenever he was near. No matter how
many times I chastised myself and reminded myself that he was with my sister all he had to do
was look my way and I was lost. I needed divine intervention.

After the game ended, everyone left promising to see each other over the weekend. I was bent
over making the bed when I saw that Mlibo had left his phone on the bed. Great. I should call To-
bi to come get it, then I heard a knock and I knew it was him.
I went to the door with the phone. I opened and he was standing there with a sheepish smile.

I handed over his phone and he took it from my hand and let his hand linger in mine for but two
seconds but it was all it took for my heart to recognise his hand and for me to respond to the feel
of his hand. Heavens help me.

I looked up and found him looking down at me as he said thank you in a croaked voice.
We stood there staring at each other and a banging of a door down the passage brought us back
to our senses. I turned and closed the door on his face. This was not good. Mlibo had a hold on
me. One look from him and I was done in. Again what was wrong with me???
CHAPTER 5

Monday morning I was ready to start at my new job. I was excited and I knew this new journey
would keep me from thinking about my sister’s fiancé. I got to work and since I had already been
introduced to my colleagues and the office I knew exactly were my office was. I got coffee from
the coffee machine and started working. I was so engrossed on my work it took a while to realize
there was a knock at my door.

I looked up and Brenda our reception walked through with a huge bunch of flowers. “Oh no you
guys didn’t have to,” I said thinking this was from the office to welcome me and bring certain
brightness to my office.

“Oh nooo dear, said Brenda shaking her curly blonde hair. This is not from us, it was delivered at
reception just now.”

Brenda gave me the flowers and I looked at the sender’s note fully expecting to see Tobi’s name
scribed on it. The note read, “I hope your first day is as awesome as you are, Love M.” I tried with
all my might not to smile but I couldn’t help but to.

This man though. This was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me.

I wondered what it meant, was he being nice to me to make sure I did not tell my sister about us?
Or was he being nice to me because he felt half the things I felt for him? Whatever it was I knew I
couldn’t dwell on it, to dwell on it was a betrayal to my sister whichever way I looked at it.

I spent the rest of week busy at work. I tried hard not to let my mind wonder off towards forbidden
territory but every once in a while I'd find myself thinking about a certain dimpled smile. I chas-
tised myself through those times.

Friday Tobi and I made plans to Kong a club in Rosebank Tobi frequented. She wanted me to let
my hair down and have fun.

Of course I was game, anything to get me out of the hotel room with thoughts I shouldn't be hav-
ing.
Friday came and I got ready, I wasn't sure what to wear but I figured I wouldn't go wrong with a
tight fitting black dress I had bought specifically for such occasions.

At exactly 8pm I heard a knock at the door and I took my clutch bag and went out. Sure enough
there was Tobi looking all kinds of hot in a little red dress that hung at all the right places. We
made our way to the front parking.

I nearly missed a step when I saw both Mlibo and Siya in the car. I assumed it was Mlibo's car
since he was in the driver's seat. The black Jeep Wrangler looked good on him.

"You didn't tell me the guys were joining us,” I said to Tobi accusingly.

“Oh come on it will be fun with the guys. Besides Tee you need to get used to having Mlibo
around now. Wherever I go he follows.” She laughed and went to get in the seat behind the driv-
er. I went to sit behind Siya.

"You ladies are looking gorgeous; we will have trouble prying all the boys off you tonight, right
Mlibo?”

Mlibo's reply was a grunt.

I looked at his side profile and I could see his jaws clenching. He was tense but what was the
reason? I moved my eyes over to the rear view mirror and I found him looking straight at me.

I quickly averted my eyes. Siya held most of the conversation and I replied here and there when I
was addressed. Tobi was mostly on her phone. Each time my eyes found their way to the rear
view mirror I found Mlibo staring back at me. I set my heart fluttering.

We got to the club. Parked outside and went in. The place was buzzing music on loud and people
dancing. Tobi had reserved a table at the restaurant.
We went to the restaurant side. Siya was checking out the girls at the dance floor.

“Man the girls in here are so hot!” he said.

Mlibo nodded and said “It’s a pity I have eyes for only one girl here tonight,” and as he said it he
was looking straight me.

I quickly glanced over at Tobi to see if she had noticed the interaction. She hadn’t, she was busy
on her phone. Siya was also too busy ogling the girls. But this guy was unbelievable. There he
was holding my sister’s hand and yet was able to say such things. Or had I imagined that he had
said it to me?
The guys helped us take our seat. Mlibo and Tobi were seated across from Siya and me. We
ordered our food and drinks. Wine for me, beer for the boys and juice for the mommy to be. The
conversation was flowing quite easily. I wondered if this was how things would be, the four of us
as best friends.

With the little complication of my being in love with Mlibo and them trying to set me up with Siya
of course . But for some reason while we were seated and laughing around the table, I imagined
it would. I was drawn into the conversation they were having about how to avoid malpractices
suits at the work place.

“You know, in as much as doctors are insured for malpractice lawsuits I still feel that doctors
should at the very least give their 110% when dealing with patients, yes I get the whole it’s a pub-
lic hospital and you are all overworked and underpaid but still you guys are responsible for peo-
ple’s lives. One careless mistake on your part means death or permanent disability of a patient, I
chirped. To me it’s either you do it right or don’t do it at all.”

“You are right though, that has always been my motto too. When you do something do it
right. But there are instances where doing right just isn’t possible,” Mlibo replied.

“Oh come now dude really? How is doing right ever a debate?” I asked incredously.

No that was a metaphor, what I’m trying to say is we doing what is right does not always benefit
everyone. The right thing is not as black and white as you want to make it to be. Sometimes the
right thing is a grey area,” Mlibo said.

He staring in my eyes with a knowing look. I reached for my glass because suddenly we had
stopped talking about medical malpractice, we were now talking about us.

“Mlibo is right, Siya said. Sometimes you go in there wanting to change things. That is, to do the
right thing but the lack of medical supplies and the exhaustion are against you. Choosing who to
attend to between a guy that has a bullet wound to the leg and a stab victim is hard. You will ob-
viously rush to help the stab victim and the bullet to the leg guy ends up having to amputate. You
are thrown with a malpractice suit. What was the right thing there?”
“Exactly Siya, unless you see the conditions we have to work under you can never understand,”
Tobi added.

“Ok guys I get it.” I said, wanting to change the subject. What do I know, except numbers and
projections?”

The food came and we enjoyed our meals in between chatter about the fun places we still need-
ed to visit around Jozi. When we were done eating and my head was buzzing after a third glass
of wine, Siya suggested we go to the other side to dance.

The dance floor was crowded. Tobi grabbed on Mlibo and started sexy dancing. Siya danced with
me. It was good at least I didn’t step on his feet.

I looked over and saw Mlibo and Tobi kissing. I felt like someone punched me on the stomach.
Why did I feel like I had just been betrayed? I felt like he was cheating on me. It was ridiculous
this feeling I was feeling. Tobi and Mlibo was a couple of course they would be kissing on the
dance floor.

“Cute isn’t it?” Siya whispered in my ear.

I turned and looked at him and with a forced smile said, “The cutest.”

“I’m going to the bathroom,” I yelled to Siya so he would hear me above the music. I made my
way to the bathroom and came back to our tables. The others were still on the dance floor. I
needed a drink quite bad to numb my feelings to be indifferent. I went over to the bar and ordered
a double shot of vodka. The vodka burned its way to my stomach.

I sat down for a few minutes and Siya came to grab me to the dance floor. Mlibo and Tobi were
still grinding on each other. But I didn’t care, the vodka was kicking in and I was floating. I started
dancing with Siya up close until we were also grinding on each other. I looked up and he kissed
me and I let him. Vodka and Siya’s kisses were doing the trick.

I didn’t care that Siya was not Mlibo. Or that it was Mlibo’s lips I wanted on my lips, his hands c
upping my behind. Siya offered to get us more shots of vodka and that’s how the night pro-
gressed. With me swinging shots of vodka trying to be fine with my sister and her fiancé. Trying
hard not to flinch each time Siya kissed me or grinded against me.

I was wasted by night’s end. Tobi wanted to go home. She came over to tap our shoulders as we
were dancing. “Sorry to disturb your dry humping guys but we need to get going. I’m bushed. I’m
not how I use to be, "she said smiling.

I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to be confined in any space close to Mlibo.

“You guys go on, we will catch a cab.” I said.

“Back to where? "Tobi said giving us a wink.

I smiled and looked over her shoulder at Mlibo. If looks could kill, I would be six feet under at that
moment. I should have felt bad, but the alcohol in my system was giving me a wanton courage.

“Who knows I replied either Sandton Sun or wherever Siya stays. Right babe?” I replied. Oh gosh
now I was calling him babe, I knew I would regret it in the morning but at that moment it felt
good.
“Oh so he is babe now? Mlibo asked cocking an eye at me.

“Yeah dude I have been upgraded,” replied Siya.

We all laughed at this, all of us that is except Mlibo. “Come babe lets go. Tobi said. Enjoy guys.”

They left. Siya and I stayed until closing time. I had stopped drinking the minute Mlibo and Tobi
left.

I didn’t want to be completely wasted. We found a cab outside and it drove us to

Sandton Sun. Siya asked if he could come up but I said no. He looked disappointed but he re-
spected my decision. I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillows.

I spent Saturday recovering from a massive hangover. Sunday we had arranged to meet up for
breakfast before we went looking for the perfect flat for me. I was not looking forward to it.

I didn’t think I would be able to face Siya or Mlibo for that matter. I am quite sure he thought I was
a slut. It could have been any other person but I choose his best friend further complicating things
between us. As if our awkward situation wasn’t bad enough.

I couldn’t get out of it; I knew Tobi would come drag me out if I cancelled. I got to the small res-
taurant Niche’s Café a bit late, I had been stalling. As I walked up to them on the table Siya gave
me one of his dazzling smiles, he got up and gave me a hug.

“Hey babe, “he said.

Tobi and I burst out laughing and Siya joined in. There was no awkwardness. However, there
sure was tension between Mlibo and I. I could not look at him and each time I dared he would
give me a blank stare. When we were done with breakfast, we went looking for houses.

Tobi like one with a huge backyard saying it would be perfect for the many parties we would
have.

Siya liked a one apartment that was closest to his house. Mlibo who had thawed a bit as the day
progressed said the two bedroom duplex would look good on me. I went with the duplex.
CHAPTER 6

I got into a routine in my life. Work all week. Fridays I would hang out with Tobi and some Fridays
the boys would join us. Tobi would go on about the wedding, choosing colours dresses and ven-
ues. I was excited for her and we would sit for hour on Google screen munching ideas.

There was still a stabbing pain whenever I thought of Mlibo.

I spent my time dating guys I met at the office or the mall or at the shops. Somehow
those dates were disastrous, if it wasn’t one thing it was the other.

Of the dates I went to two stood out the most. One was with a guy I met at work.
A Senior actuary, good looking dressed smart and smelled good too.

Our date was at an upmarket restaurant. I was nervous because I liked this guy. Things could
work
between us and maybe he would be the one to make me forget Mlibo.

He somehow told me nonchalantly of his four kids with three baby mamas while gloating
about the drama free life he led. He told me how he knew exactly how to deal with each
baby mama to ensure a harmonious upbringing for his kids.

I tried to keep my face neutral. Three kids? Who in the world had three kids and was unmarried?

So this date was what? An audition for a fourth baby mama that he would handle ever so well? I
didn’t think so.

So I smiled and nodded at all the right places but honestly I had left the building. When the date
ended he invited me for a night cap and I sweetly declined citing an overdue report. Needless to
say spent the rest of my office hours trying to avoid running into him.

The second date that stood out for me was a guy I met while doing my groceries. He asked for
my numbers and I gave them to him. He called later in the week and we arranged for a drinks
date Friday after work.

We had a good time I will not lie, the conversation was easy flowing and the guy was funny, I felt
easy with him. Someone who can be both a lover and a friend. The guy was a big spender too.

He ordered expensive whiskey and throughout our conversation you could pick up he had expen-
sive taste. But it wasn’t showy in a way that was over the top but still it was there. So when he in-
vited for a night cap to his house I couldn’t help but say yes.

There is something about a funny guy that had ladies wanting more.

His house all the way out in Midrand. We got to his house and I couldn’t believe my
eyes. There was nothing in this guy’s house. Where couches should have been there were camp-
ing chairs. Instead of a tv stand there was an ottoman with a laptop on top of it. I was balled over,
surely it couldn’t be his house?

Clearly it was because there he was telling me to take a sit in one of his camp chairs; I guess we
were in an indoor picnic then? When he took out paper cups to pour gin and tonic for me that was
my cue. I mumbled some statement I could barely understand myself and I was out of there like a
bat out of hell.

The dating scene is tough once you hit 25. All the good men are taken and you have to pick
through the rubble to try to find one you can teach to be a good man. Some unfortunately are un-
teachable; they are comfortable being part of the rubble.
CHAPTER 7

On a Wednesday afternoon while having lunch with Cathy, who was updating me on all the office
gossip my phone rang. I looked at the caller Id and I immediately put in on silent when I saw it
was Mlibo.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” Cathy asked.

“No I will call them back later, I replied.

“Mhmmm I sense men trouble, come on honey dish. It’s the guy who sent the flowers
isn’t it? Trouble in paradise?”

“No and no Cathy. It’s a friend I will call her back,” I said.

“Ok honey, so as I was saying the big boss was in Cape Town the whole of last week right? Do
you think it’s a coincidence that Sheryl was also on leave the whole week too?

I think not, I’m telling you darl those two are doing the nasty, and the wife is none the
wiser. Such a nice lady, I could clap that slutty Sheryl. Did you see what she was wearing…”

My phone rang again. Mlibo.

“That is my cue out of here, answer the phone darling and sort out things with the lover boy,” she
said exiting with a wink. Oh Cathy.

I put the phone on silent again. I did not want to talk to Mlibo; I did not know what to say to him. I
continued to work until 5, I checked my phone and I saw I now had missed calls from Siya too. I
called Siya back.

“Hey Siya what’s up?” I said when he picked up after the first ring.

“Hey dude where have you been, we have been trying to get hold of you the whole day, came the
frantic reply.

“I was at work, and who is we? Why was Mlibo and friend calling me all day, what was going on?

“You need to come Tee, it’s Tobi we are at the hospital.”

After Siya gave me the name of the hospital I drove over so fast I nearly collided with three
cars. Dear Lord please let my Tobi be ok, please God. I rushed out of the parking lot; Siya was
waiting for me at the reception area.

”Siya what happened, where is Tobi?” I was panicked out of my mind.

“Tobi is fine Tee, she is doing ok and she just came out of surgery.” Siya replied in a calmer voice
than mine.

“What surgery, talk to me Siya,” my voice was loud.

I couldn’t believe what was going on, I had spoken to Tobi just last night what had happened be-
tween then and now?

“She lost the baby Tee; the doctors don’t know what happened. She just started bleeding and
had cramps and that was it. She had to go in to remove the foetus but she’s back in the ward
now.”
I felt my knees buckle, not the baby. Tee loved that baby she was looking forward to being a
mother, to be the kind of mother this cruel life had robbed her of. That baby had meant more to
her than anything, the minute she found out she was pregnant there was never a single moment
when she was not happy. She would have made such a great mother too.

What kind of life was this? People threw their kids down the toilet some strangled them but those
who really wanted kids lost them. I felt so sad, so gutted. What did you say to a mother that had
just lost a part of her?

I looked over at Siya. “Take me to her Siya”.

We took the lift to her ward. She was the only one in the room. Mlibo sat on a chair by her bed
holding her hand. She looked up as we entered, I will never forget her eyes as she looked at me.
They were shattered.

”Oh my Toby Tobs,” I said as I went to her and enveloped her in my arms and she started crying.
I held her tighter .At such moments words fail me all I could do was hold her tightly to me.

Mlibo mumbled that he was going to get her something to eat and he took Siya with him.

“Oh Tee, what am I going to do what am I going to do,” She sobbed into my arms.

“You will do what you have always done Tobs, you will survive this. I know it hurts like hell right
now, but you will survive this too and I promise you will go on to have lots of kids.” I said to her.

“Yes but they won’t be this child, I wanted this baby Tee,” she cried.

I was failing at comforting her. I wanted to ease her pain. Tobi had always been emotionally
weak. I on the other hand could withstand most of what life threw at me. I had no one to take care
of me. I knew earlier on, life was unkind so I grew a thick skin.

Tobi on the other hand always had me to fight all her fights and later had always had someone
she could lean on, always. This was the one thing we all couldn’t fix for her.

After a while she calmed down and stopped crying. I let her go as she sat back on the bed’s pil-
low.

“You are right Tee; I will have more babies it just hurts right now.

“I know my darling I know.” I replied.

Mlibo and Siya came back into the room. I was now sitting on the chair next to the bed. Mlibo and
Siya borrowed the other unused chairs on the empty beds in the room.

”There was nothing appealing at the downstairs café; we ordered pizza they will deliver in an
hour,” said Mlibo.

“In the meanwhile I got us jelly babies to hold up until then”, said Siya.

Seriously? How is this guy going to say baby in this room though? Tact was definitely not one of
his strong points. Having noticed the awkward silence and the averted eyes Siya sheepishly
tucked the sweets back into his pocket.

“Oh I’m so sorry Tobi, I wasn’t thinking.”

“Oh come now, you guys can say babies around me in fact I insist that you stop treating me like a
fragile nutcase right now.” Tobi replied.
We found a table at the café and sat down each one of us on their phone.

”Excuse me guys, I will be back as soon as I can I need to skype with my main in London, I will
be in my car.” Siya said standing up and walking off.

Siya had a main? What type of men were these?

There was an awkward silence at the table. I decided to ask Mlibo what had been niggling at the
back of my mind.

”What happened Mlibo? Did you hurt Tobi, is that how she lost the baby?”

“What are you accusing me of Thule?” He gritted his teeth.

I looked at him and said, “I mean did she find something out that she shouldn’t have?”

He stared blankly at me.

Did I need to spell it out to him?

”Mlibo did you cheat on my sister again, is that why she is lying on that hospital bed?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake Thule, I am not responsible for the death of my child. I love your sister; I
would never hurt her like that. So to answer your question no, I was not caught cheating. That is
not why your sister lost the baby!” He said in a raised tense voice.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” I said sheepishly.

“I lost the baby too Thule, you know.”

“I know, I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry Mlibo.” I replied.

“I needed this baby Thule to keep me sane, to keep me grounded. To keep me happy with my
mediocre life. Now that it’s gone I’m scared Thule, I’m scared that I will not be able to hide what’s
inside here anymore.” he said as he pointed to his chest.

What did he mean by that?

I looked over at him as he bent his head and his shoulders started shaking.

I rushed over to him and held him. Mlibo was right, he had lost this baby too, and I was so busy
thinking about my sister I overlooked that this had hurt him just as much.

Mlibo held on to my waist as I held his head to my tummy and I held him tighter feeling his pain in
his sobs. It hurt me to see Mlibo so broken and I needed to see him strong again, being the Mlibo
I knew.

I wanted him to be the guy whose eyes were always unreadable but could light up every time he
laughed. I needed for him to stop crying and so I went on my knees and took his face into my
hands and looked at this man that had turned my life upside down and did the only thing that I felt
he needed at that moment.

I kissed him.

He kissed me back right there in the café, like we were the only two people in the world.
I kissed him to let him know that I felt his pain and I was there for him. He kissed me back as if
Siya wasn’t going to walk in at any minute. He pulled me up and my legs straddled him in his seat
without breaking our kiss.

This was crazy; this was wrong in so many ways and so right in so many more others.

I pulled away from the kiss and I looked at him and he looked at me.

”Mlibo,” I said.

“I know,” came the reply.

I got off him and went to sit on my chair.

“I grew up as an only child you know, my mother was never around and I never knew my dad. My
granny raised me, she was very strict she never had time for me. I think she somewhat resented
me. I never had love growing up. All that changed when I turned nine, my mother came back
home. She did not come to stay of course, she was pregnant and as soon as she gave birth to
my little brother she left. She never even gave him a name Thule. My uncle named him Reagan.
He was a history fanatic, so yes my little brother was named after Ronald Reagan an American
president.

The bond we had was unbreakable. I had finally found someone who could love me completely
and loved me for me. My brother followed me everywhere as soon as he was able to walk.” Mlibo
was smiling as he told me about his brother.

I could tell he was very fond of him.

”My brother died when he was three. He had a terrible fever and didn’t recover from it. I was shat-
tered Thule. I was utterly and completely broken. Mlibo started crying again and I held his hand
from across the table to comfort him. I carried him everywhere I went, he continued. That’s why I
studied to be a doctor Thule so I could be a paediatrician and save children.”

I smiled at him, “Your brother would be proud.”

He smiled back.

“When Tobi told me we were having a baby I was so excited Thule, though it wasn’t planned and
we weren’t expecting it that baby was loved from the onset. I was going to name it after my broth-
er; it didn’t matter if it was a boy or girl. I feel so empty now Thule, it’s like I have lost my brother
all over again.”

“Oh Mlibo I’m so sorry, you will go on to have more kids I promise,” I said.

He looked up and wiped his eyes and started punching things on his phone. I heard footsteps
coming from behind I turned around to see Siya coming over with a pizza box. The conversation
was over.
We all sat to eat the pizza, I couldn’t eat it and neither could Mlibo.

After a while, Mlibo looked up and said, “She is awake guys.”

So we all got up and went to Tobi. We stayed chatting. At around midnight Siya left, an hour later
I said goodbye to Tobi and left. I promised to come again the next day during my lunch.

I left and went to the parking area to leave. I was about to open my car door when I felt someone
behind me I turned around to find Mlibo besides me.

”Mlibo! You gave me a fright.” I said.

“I’m sorry, I just came to say thank you for listening to me earlier. I didn’t mean to offload on you
like that, thank you Thule.” he said.

“That is ok; you are my sister’s fiancé so that makes you family.” I replied.

We stood there looking at each other, and then Mlibo came closer. That’s the moment I should
have moved away, but the car behind me blocked me. Mlibo was so close our bodies were touch-
ing. He did not say anything, he did not have to, it was written in his eyes. “Mlibo.” I managed to
say before his lips descended on me.

I should have pushed him away, I should have been the sane one. Mlibo was grieving and need-
ed comfort wherever he could get it so he was forgiven for kissing me. What was my excuse for
kissing my sister’s fiancé while she lay grief-stricken inside the hospital?

I pushed him away, “No Mlibo! We can’t, I can’t.” I said as I pushed him away, got in the car, and
drove off.
CHAPTER 8

I wanted to be there for my sister after losing the baby but I also wanted to stay away from Mlibo.
It was a difficult situation I was in. I missed my Tobi and we spoke every day for hours on the
phone. She had been released from the hospital the following day and was recovering at home.
A week later she was back at work. Each time she wanted to meet I made up an excuse and I
was fast running out of excuses.

So when she called on a Thursday inviting me to a weekend getaway to Xai -Xai in Mozambique
they had planned with three other couples, one of the couples cancelled so there was space for
me and Siya, I was fresh out of excuses so I agreed. What would it hurt?

We were to leave Friday night to get there Saturday early morning. They picked me up from my
house around 9 in the evening in a mini bus that they had hired. I was introduced to the two other
couple.

Lerato and Andile were alright, just an ordinary couple. The mystery was the other couple Sandile
and Alizwa; the guy was good-looking but the girl not so much. In any given day I would never
have placed them together as a couple but here they were. And then of course there was Tobi,
Mlibo and Siya and I.

We filled up, bought snacks and took pictures before we departed. I avoided meeting Mlibo’s
eyes but his presence I felt.

The guys took turns driving. The conversation was easy and we laughed easily too. The trip was
uneventful. I suppose driving at night made it sombre.

We got to the beach resort they had booked. It was wooden chalets right at the beach, the boys
booked in a four sleeper and us girls on another four sleeper. This worked out perfectly for me
because it would have been awkward sharing a room with Siya.

We were all in a jovial mood nobody wanted to sleep. We went for breakfast at the resort. We
planned to spend our day at the beach sipping on cocktails and enjoying the sun.

The beach was the most beautiful I have ever seen. The bluest of waters and white sands was
our scenery. Sandile was our designated barman, he mixed the meanest cocktails. We were all in
our beach wear, I was not comfortable in just a bikini so I put on a long dress sarong to cover up,
same as Lerato her reason I suppose was because she was a plus size.

The same could not be said for Tobi and Alizwa. Tobi was sexy and she knew it, you could see it
in the way she walked rocking her hips from side to side. Alizwa on the other hand was smoking.
Seeing her in a bikini made me finally realise why Sandile was with. Her body definitely made up
for her face in every way. We were all lying on the beach in our towels under a gazebo and
watching Tobi and Alizwa chasing waves.

All the guys were ogling them. I could literally see them drool. I unconsciously wrapped my sa-
rong tightly around me. Mlibo suddenly belted out in song, “I’m in love with a shy girl whooo she
may be shy but she is the apple of my eye.”

I looked up and found him looking towards the beach but the smile on his face told me something
else. I knew that lopsided smile that rarely made an appearance but would always find its way to
me.

As if to reassure me he suddenly turned and winked at me. I soared to the sun and came back, I
did not crash instead I floated on the crashing waves of the blue sea. It was a good thing the oth-
ers were looking at the beach, Alizwa engrossed in a glamour magazine. If one of them had seen
our little interaction it would have been bad.
Later the boys went to braai for us. Once the food was ready we went to dish up. When night set
in we went indoors, the drinking spree continued. There was music and we danced. It’s so easy
dancing when you are drunk, you imagine you are the queen of the dance floor. In reality I must
have look like a constipated meerkat!

We then played a game of 30 seconds. 30 seconds is so fun when you play it drunk. There were
two teams of four. Tobi thought it would be fun to divide up the couples, Alizwa not so much. In
the end Tobi won. The two teams consisted of Tobi, Lerato, Siya and Sandile and the other team
was Mlibo, Alizwa, Andile and I. Tobi’s team was leading. They needed two points to win we
needed 3.

It was Mlibo’s turn to ask the group. We had got two questions right we needed a third.

Mlibo turned to me, “The U.S president before Bush?”

Silence.
So he continued, “He shares a name with my brother the one I told you about!?”

And I yelled out, “Ronald Reagan.”

We won the game. We started jumping up and down giving each other hi fives.

Lerato who was hiccupping in an annoying way yelled, “Guys no *hic* can I see the card *hic* be-
cause I know *hic* the president before* hic* Bush was * hic hic* was Clinton.”

Mlibo handed her the card while replying, “He was before Bush the father not W.Bush the son.”

“Oh”* hic* came the reply.

Tobi turned to Mlibo and said, “I didn’t know you had a brother named Ronald?”

Oh no.

“Yes he died when he was three years,” Mlibo replied.

“I have never heard about that Mlibo, I would have remembered,” Tobi continued.

“I’m sure I mentioned it, you just forgot,” said Mlibo who was looking uncomfortable.

“No I didn’t forget Mlibo I would remember something like that, and turning to me she continued.
How do you know of this dead brother Tee?”

I needed an answer quick but my foggy brain was having none of it.

“Mlibo mentioned it sometime,” I shrugged.

“Siya did you know that Mlibo has a dead brother?” she asked turning to look at Siya. Please say
yes, I silently prayed.

“First time I’m hearing about it here in this chalet in Xai Xai at… sorry let me check the time. He
looked at his wrist watch and looked up to say, 00:15am.”

Oh wow thank you Siya.

“See, even your best friend knows nothing about this dead baby,” said Tobi.

“Can you please stop saying dead like that? Mlibo sounded irritated.

“Like what? You are the one who said he was dead right?” continued Tobi without missing a beat.
“Do what? I’m just amazed at how everyone else knows so much about you and I know nothing.
You never share anything with me! Tobi was bordering hysteria. I never even saw you grieve for
our baby, damn you. Not once did you cry about it. If not with me then who do you share your
grief with huh?”

That would me I said silently.

“I’m not getting into this with you.” Mlibo replied surprisingly calm considering how Tobi was yell-
ing at him.

“Yes of course not, not with me but with the world you can share about a dead brother. Tell me,
did you also share about your dead child? Did you even care? That baby had a name you know!”
Tobi was screaming.

I stood up to go to her. “Tobi calm down I promise you it’s not like that, I think we were all drunk
when he mentioned it. I just happen to remember it.”

The room was quiet now. Tobi was crying hysterically and Mlibo walked out.

Alizwa said, “Let’s call it a night guys long drive back tomorrow.”

The guys left. We changed and got into bed. I moved from my bed to Tobi’s, she was sniffling.

“Tobi Tobs, this is more than just Mlibo’s brother isn’t it?” I asked

There was silent.

“I know I’m overreacting but it just pains me so much that Mlibo never shares his feelings with
me, like ever. I want to be the one he shares everything with but he just won’t let me. Like Tee his
patients die and that shit floors you because you try your best to help them live, when they die it
rips you open. Yet not once has Mlibo come to me in his sadness. It’s either he drinks himself
better or he disappears for hours. Clearly he is hurting, why won’t he let me in?”

“It’s not easy for men to share their feelings Tobs, they have this notion that they need to be
strong all the time. Allowing people to see them cry or vulnerable is a no for them because they
have it in their head that is makes them weak. Be patient with him Tobs, he will come around.
Hey he has a lifetime to come around.”

Tobi laughed, “I guess you are right tee, but it’s just frustrating sometimes.”
I held her in silence until I heard a snore.
CHAPTER 9

I took a bottle of wine that was left over, snuck out of the room, and made my way to the beach.

I sat there in the sand contemplating my life. The rhythm of the waves calming me. I wore my bi-
kini top and shorts. It was a warm night. I took a swing from the wine bottle.

Tobi’s pain was my pain and clearly Mlibo’s being closed off was hurting her. How hurt would she
be if she were to find out of how easily he spoke to me, how easily he cried in my arms?

Tonight I had managed to ward off the questions but what if the next time we aren’t so lucky.
What if next time something much worse comes up? That I let slip I know Mlibo has a birth mark
on his crotch. There would be no coming back from that.

I sat there in the sand trying to find a way to stay away from Mlibo, realising how impossible a
task it would be. All he had to do was look my way and I was done in. I needed to find a way re-
gardless, for my sister and for our relationship. That was more important to me than Mlibo right?
Why was everything becoming so blurred in that front?

“I was wondering what was pulling me to the beach at this hour,” came Mlibo’s voice behind me.

I turned around to look at him. “I came here to think and clear my thoughts,” I replied.

He sat next to me and said, “Thule you have done nothing wrong ok? When we made love you
didn’t know I was engaged to your sister.”

“Yes but you did so what does that make you?” I asked.

“A dog, is that what you want to hear? That I sleep with various women while planning to get mar-
ried? When will you see this for what it is Thule?” He asked looking straight at me.

“What is it Mlibo? A knife at my sisters back? The first time it can be forgiven but what about the
other times, when you would smile at me and my heart flutters?”
I stood up and he followed me.

I continued, “Or when I spend hours trying to find the right outfit so I can look pretty for YOU! I
was pacing trying to get away from him.

“Or when with me you can cry about your baby and you never cry! Or how about now Mlibo, you
and I right here right now. Shouldn’t you have turned and walked the other way when you saw
me here, shouldn’t I have left as soon as you sat down? Instead of being here in this moment
wishing for things I have no business wishing for?” I cried.

He grabbed me and pulled me to him. Looking in my eyes he asked softly, “What do you wish for
Thule? Do you wish I could kiss you like this? He kissed my mouth so deeply and thoroughly. “Do
you wish I could touch you here,” he said cupping my breast and softly caressed my already
erect nipple.

He kissed me again and I moaned in his mouth. All restriction left me. I threw caution to the wind.
Tomorrow I would pay for it but today I would enjoy this moment. I kissed him back hard. All our
clothes discarded. He laid me on the sand and looked at me with his clouded eyes that held a
question. I gave him the answer he needed. I nodded. He entered me swiftly. I nearly cried out
from joy. This was wrong but the moment of our joining felt so right, like it was meant to be like
this.
“You and me Thule we can’t run from each other. In a room full of people we find each other,” he
grunted.

He continued, “Each time we run it always comes back to this.”

He was moving slowing inside me and it was glorious.
“Tell me you feel this Thule.”

“I feel it Mlibo, only you babe. Only you have ever been inside me. I could die right now and it
would be fine.” I replied.

We transcended to the stars and softly descended down holding on to each other. In the after-
math of sand and sweat he held me. And I lay on his chest.

After a while he said, “What you said before we, you know, did you mean it?”

‘When I said I had only been with you? Yes.” I replied.

“I love you Thule,” he said softly.

I lost my heart in the early hours of the morning in a beach in Mozambique. The waves carried it
to sea and it was lost to me forever.

“I love you Mlibo,” I said.

In that moment I knew that I had not only lost my heart but lost my sister too. That in the days
that followed I will be living out a charade of being a good sister when in fact I was worse than the
devil. I would smile in my sister’s face, tell her I loved her and go through the motions but in actu-
al fact I was sticking a knife at her back. It was the third time I had betray my sister, but definitely
not the last.

What tomorrow would bring I knew not but what I did know was this moment right here. I would
enjoy this moment and I would take this moment and store it in the deepest crevices of my heart,
not knowing if it would ever come again or if I wanted it to.

I turned my head up to kiss Mlibo and he smiled down on me and said, “Ready for me again?” I
simply nodded.

We laid in the beach after, basking in our forbidden love, the sun creeping on the horizon its rays
playing on the blue water reflecting all sorts of colours. It was a beautiful moment. A moment I
would remember for as long as I lived. That moment was the rose that bloomed in the ash that
was our situation.

I stood up, and I realised that I was not shy to be naked in front of Mlibo. He followed me into the
water. We washed away all evidence of our indiscretion. The silence was comforting. What could
possibly be said? Our bodies had said it all.

After, we put on our clothes and holding hands we walked back to our chalets. On the parting
walkaway that would lead him to his chalet he turned to look at me. I pulled him to me and kissed
him hard. I let my lips say all the words I couldn’t bear to say.
CHAPTER 10

I turned around and went to my chalet. Everyone was still sleeping. I went to the shower. When I
was all cleaned up and dressed. I sat there waiting for the others to wake up, I wasn’t tired
though I hadn’t slept the previous night. I decided to start drinking while I waited. I wanted to
numb all my feelings. I put on my earphones and played trap music on my phone.

After two hours, I decided to wake the girls. We had said we would leave at nine to make it to Jo-
hannesburg around seven and get sufficient rest before work the next day.

The girls woke up, washed and got dressed. I was tipsy and sexy dancing around the room.

“You are such a drunk Tee,” Tobi said giggling.

I have a hangover and I’m hungry. I need a massive breakfast. Oh and I need to go apologise to
my boo. I can’t believe I did that last night,” she groaned into her hands.

“Well while we have breakfast you can go have make up sex hey,” said Alizwa with a wink.

“Oh yeah nothing better that make up sex, way better than drunk sex,” Lerato chirped in.

This earned a gulping the wine down marathon from me.

“No man stop drinking wine like that, you not in the desert and it’s not water. And please pour me
a glass as well.” Alizwa said.

“If you want wine get your own, this here is mine ok? “ I snapped at her gulping the wine down
again.

She’s shouldn’t have suggested make up sex.

“Oh wow, and what is your problem? Fine have your wine, who cares. I’m going for breakfast,”
Alizwa said leaving the room.

Tobi came to sit next to me on the bed. “Are you ok babe, it’s not like you to drink like this, so
early in the day. What’s wrong? Talk to me.”

“Talk talk talk that’s all you want to do, has it ever occurred to you that people don’t want to talk to
you because they just don’t want to talk to you?!” It was uncalled for, I didn’t know why I was do-
ing it but her presence and love were making me uncomfortable and I was latching out.

“I will pretend I didn’t hear that, I’m going to Mlibo now I will be back to check on you. Please
drink water and lie down. I will come get you when we are leaving.” She kissed me on the fore-
head and left. The kiss was scalding. Lerato followed Tobi out. I guess no one wanted to sit with
a drunk.

I wanted to drink to a point of oblivion. Drink away my conscience, drink away my betrayal and
drink away the part of me that I did not recognise. The part that had betrayed my sister and for a
moment not felt bad about the betrayal. Drink away the part of me that loved Mlibo but then that
wasn’t just a part of me that was all of me.

I sat there starring into space. Listening to a song by Maio Cruz ‘I will never love again’ that I had
on repeat on my phone. I hallowed in my betrayal, gulping down the wine and reaching for anoth-
er. We had stocked up on the booze and it worked out well for me.
Tobi walked in on my third bottle. “Seriously Tee? This is so out of character for you, what is the
matter?”

“Mhmm lets see? Maybe the matter is that you my dearest sister do not know my character. You
assume that you do but you don’t. You really don’t. I have a Mr Hyde in me that had been buried
deep oh but now he is slowly taking over.”

“Oh yes? Tell me more,” said Tobi.

It was at that moment Mlibo walked in.

“I’m here to help with the bags,” he was saying as he walked through the door.

Tobi who was standing next to the bed I was sited on, said pointing at me. “Leave the bags babe;
I think we need to carry Tee to the car. She is completely wasted.”

“Don’t be silly Tobi I’m not drunk, in fact I’m so glad Mlibo walked in maybe he can tell you about
Mr Hyde.”
I tried to lift my face to look at him but it felt heavy and just couldn’t manage it.

“Mr Hyde?” I heard Mlibo ask. Even in my drunken state I could hear the stillness in his voice.

“Oh Tee seems to think that she has a Mr Hyde inside of her that wants to take over, she figures
I don’t know her at all. I really don’t know what she is on about.”
“Oh but you know what I am on about don’t you brother in law?” I could finally lift my head and I
was looking at him. I saw his face thunderous and mortified at the same time.

“What does he know?” Tobi asked.

“Oh he knows everything, he is a doctor is he not?” I asked laughing.

Tobi also laughed at my statement. “Oh the hangover you are going to have is still doing push-
ups shame. Come babe help me get her to the bus.”

“I can walk thank you,” I said walking to the door. Then I missed a step and landed on my face.
How gracious. In that moment it was funny so I laughed. I’d pay for it in the morning.

“Babe please carry her to the bus.” Tobi begged.

“I said I was fine stop forcing him on me!” I yelled.

“Really drama queen can you even get up?” Tobi asked.

Oh I was still on the floor.

Sure I can. I couldn’t.

“Ok fine come carry me Mlibo, carry me to hell. I laughed and Tobi joined in.

“I’ll get our bags, she said.

“Don’t forget my phone and earphones, I said as Mlibo lifted me in his arms and carried me out.
“What are you doing Thule,” he said his face hard and he wasn’t even looking at me.

“Trying to numb the pain,” I said.

“Is it the pain you are trying numb?

We both knew the answer to that. It wasn’t the pain I was trying to numb. It was the all-
consuming love I had for him.

He put me on the seat at the back next to the window. “I will get a pillow for you,” he said turning
to leave.

“I didn’t bring any though so unless you are a pillow magician I’m afraid you won’t find a pillow for
me.”

“Don’t worry I will get the one in your bed.” He replied.

“Oooh you will steal a pillow for me, wow I’m impressed doctor. One night in the sand and…I did-
n’t get to finish the sentence. He came at me with his finger pointing at me with a murderous look
on his face, I cowered.

“Don’t! He hissed. Don’t cheapen what happened this morning by the next drunken words that
you will utter.”

I kept my mouth shut. He walked out.

A few minutes later Siya walked in and came to sit next to me. “I hear you are playing the drunk-
en mistress over here,” he said laughing.

“People are just uptight, I replied, what’s the point of a getaway if we can’t let loose.”

“My sentiments exactly, that’s why I’m with my friend bottle over here,” he said and for the first
time I noticed the whiskey bottle in his hand that he held by the neck.

“Want a swing? He said offering me the bottle. He had a cute smirk on his face that reminded me
of a face I couldn’t place.

I shouldn’t have but I did. And that is how Mlibo walked in on us as he entered the bus. I heard
Siya say Uh Oh before Mlibo lunged at him abruptly pulling him up from his seat.

“Are you serious right now Siya? You are giving her whiskey? She is drunk already do you want
to kill her?” he yelled.

“Dude calm down. We are just having fun and besides she is not a baby she can do as she
pleases.” Siya replies unfazed.

“She is over here and she can hear perfectly, I have to side with Siya on this I’m not a baby,” I
slurred.

Mlibo let Siya go settling him on the seat before me.

Mlibo gave me a look over Siya’s shoulder that made me to immediately say “but Mlibo is right
Siya you should have known better.”

Mlibo threw the pillow at me. The others came in. Mlibo came to seat next to me. Was that even
allowed?
Tobi walked in and sat next to Siya.
“Thanks a lot Siya, because of you now I can’t sit next to my person. But thanks babe for taking
care of my sis.”

“No problem babe,” came the reply next to me.

I put the pillow by the window and rested my head and got comfortable. That of course is that last
thing I remember. I do remember gently hands brushing my face though but of course I could be
have been dreaming.

CHAPTER 11

I woke up some time around midnight in the comfort of my bed. I got up and drank two aspirins
and loads of water trying to abate the massive headache I was currently experiencing. I got back
in bed until my alarm woke me up.

My day dragged, I was totally unproductive at work though I had to reports due.
I was grateful when my day ended. I got home, threw together a salad and watched tv.

It was while I was watching TV that a thought hit me, it made me shoot up from the couch, put on
my shoes and grabbing the car keys and rush out of my apartment.

Oh no no no! How could I forget? Lucky for me there was a 24hour pharmacy down the road from
me. I bought water and the morning after pill that I drank immediately.

I was so glad I had remembered in time. I didn’t want to think of the mess I would have been if I
had completely forgotten and a month later find myself with Mlibo’s baby growing in my womb.
How would I explain it to Tobi when 9 months later I gave birth to a child that looked like her fian-
cé?

Despite myself I smiled at the thought of a miniature version of Mlibo .

I chided myself immediately. I shouldn’t be having such thoughts. Ours was a moment of stolen
kisses, passing smiles and rendezvous under the skies and not babies that looked like Mlibo.
That was for Tobi and Mlibo.

I got back to my couch and resumed my tv watching. My phone rang and it was the gate, I wasn’t
expecting any visitors? The guard informed me it was Mlibo. I let him in. I jumped out of the
couch to the mirror on the hallway just to make sure I was looking descent. Oh I need to put on a
bra, the joys of staying alone. I opened the door on his first knock.

I tried not to smile but I couldn’t help the smile that spread out of my face at the sight of him. I
could get used to seeing him standing at my door even though he wasn’t smiling back.

I let him in. There was an awkward silence. Ok here goes.

“I’m sorry about Moz, I behaved like a teenager and it won’t happen again, please forgive me.” I
said coming to him and lifting my face to his. He kissed me back though reluctantly.

“Alcohol will not numb your feelings of guilt Thule. You can’t turn to the bottle every time we are
together. We have a long and bumpy road ahead and alcohol will not be the answer,” he said.

“I know it won’t, but it makes facing my sister a little easier,” I replied.

I did not know what he meant about a long and bumpy road. Did he mean I must get used to
playing his mistress? That he planned on keeping me his mistress for quite a long? And why did
that not bother me? Why did his declaration of wanting to keep me for a while not insult me?
What woman was comfortable playing mistress to her sister’s fiancée? Who was I?

As if to silence the voice of reason in my head I reached for him again and I kissed him long and
hard.

“Thule, you are not some girl I’m hitting on the side. This here, between you and I, is not just
some thrill that is destined to die out. When we kiss, do you not feel it, this strong unexplainable
emotion that passes between us? He said as he kissed me again. And when we make love do
you not feel how right it is? As if you and I were born to do exactly that.”

I knew to be true all the things he said, but it still didn’t make it right. It didn’t lessen the guilt I felt.
And some day what happens when I couldn’t do the sneaking around anymore, when I wanted
him to be all mine? What happens when I start resenting my sister for being with him? Being un-
able to hold his hand in public and kiss him whenever I wanted. What happens when I start hat-
ing her for having all his babies?

With all these questions and doubts running through my head I knew when he kissed me, he
kissed away all my doubts. When he held me, he made me want to endure it all. Had someone
else told me all this I would have never understood. It takes being in the moment and feeling
what you feel for you to understand.

“I love you Thule, I have never felt this way before about any girl and I’m not just saying that. You
bring order in my jumbled life. You bring peace in my tormented heart. I know when this gets out
you will wish we had never met and you will feel shame that it happened and you will doubt me.
You will doubt us. But don’t doubt us Thule, he said as he held me and looked in my eyes. Don’t
doubt this,”he dipped his head down to kiss me.

I moaned loudly at all the feelings this man I loved was making me feel, the butterflies, the tight-
ening of my tummy and the throbbing between my thighs. Mlibo processed to make love to me
slowly and tenderly on my couch, we wouldn’t have made it to the bedroom if we tried. That’s the
thing with our love, when we needed to express it, there was no delays or appropriate places.
Ours was a love that consumed us.

On that couch Mlibo loved all my insecurities away, he loved all the years I grew up without love
away, he loved all the times I sat up at night wishing for this away. In turn I loved away all his
heartbreaks, all his one night stands and I loved away my own sister’s hold in his heart until only
I remained forever and always.

That was how it was with Mlibo and I. Whenever we could we would be together proclaiming our
love using our bodies. I valued every minute with him, I looked at his face and stored it in my
memory knowing in public I would have no such liberties.
On the weekend Tobi asked me to come over to go over the details of her upcoming nuptials. I
didn’t want to go, my guilt too great for me to face her. I also knew if I kept making excuses each
time we were supposed to meet then she would know something was up.

On Saturday I went over to her place, I was glad Mlibo was working. It would have been impossi-
ble for me to be in the same house with both of them.

She hugged me as I came through the door.

“Tee, come in! Last time I saw you, you were out of your mind drunk,” she said letting me in.
“Please don’t remind me of that, I’m still ashamed of that day. Your friends must think I’m a cheap
drunk,” I said.

“Oh don’t mind them, they’ve also had their fair share of drunkenness,” Tobi replied, trying to
make me feel better.

“Enough of that, Tobi continued. So I called you here to discuss the wedding that has now moved
to less than three months!”

I gaped trying to form words.

“I know we were planning for December but Mlibo insisted, and hey we love each other so really
why wait” Tobi was saying.

I felt like my head was under water,I was seeing her move her lips but I wasn’t comprehending
what she was saying. Mlibo insisted?Why was Mlibo insisting on fast tracking the wedding?

“Are you pregnant?” I asked. Surely that was the reason.

“No of course not, not yet anyways. I guess he cannot wait for us to be married and start our lives
together. I was starting to doubt it but hey, that man loves me Tee.” Tobi said beaming.

“Of course he does Tobs,” I said as my heart shattered.

Tobi went on to task me on the securing the venue and decor, oblivious to the pain and anguish
that tormented me as I pretended to be excited for her.

I guess I had convinced myself that Mlibo loved me, that what we had meant something to him
too. But his fast tracking the wedding spoke volumes. Mlibo didn’t love me, he was having his
cake and eating it too.

How could I have been so stupid? Did I crave love so badly that I’d believe a man cheating on his
fiancé with me felt half the things I felt for him? And in my foolishness I had jeopardized my rela-
tionship with Tobi without a second thought.

When we were done with the wedding plans, I went home knowing I would never let Mlibo any-
where near me again. I was done.

I ignored his calls and messages for two weeks. I missed him terribly each passing day but I re-
fused to let my emotions run my life any further.

My landline rang at my office when I answered security let me know that I had a visitor down-
stairs, Siya. I wondered what Siya wanted I told the security to let him up.

I waited for Siya by the elevators, when it arrived at my floor I was expecting Siya to walk out
when Mlibo emerged. This I did not need right now. I am sure my irritation showed in my face.
“Please Thule I just need a moment, he said.

“You have it right here,” I said, not moving.

“Really Thule, you want to do this here? He asked looking around.

Cathy was sitting at her desk pretending to be typing something on her computer but I knew her
enough to know all her eyes and ears were over here with Mlibo and I.

“Ok fine, I said. Please follow me.”

I led him to my office going past Cathy who was now ogling at us. I walked in first and he closed
the door behind him.

“Mlibo what are you doing here? I thought I made myself clear when I ignored your calls and
messages.” I started.

“I just want to understand Thule, what is going on, what did I do wrong?”He said walking over to
me.

I backed out until the desk behind me blocked my path. So there we were standing facing each
other, he was standing very close to me.

“You did nothing wrong Mlibo, it’s me I can’t do this anymore. I can’t lie to my sister any longer. I
can’t pretend that I'm ok with being Tobi’s fiancé’s side chick. Even as I say it, it leaves a bitter
taste in my mouth.”

“But I thought we were past this Thule, I can’t do anything now your sister is very fragile but I
promise you..” He was saying.

“No Mlibo! You are not understanding me. I don’t want you to do anything, I don’t want you. I
choose my sister and I would appreciate if you would respect that, respect her.” I said cutting him
off.

He looked at me incredulously, “Thule what are you saying to me? I can’t go a day without you
babe please.”

“Is that what you tell my sister too?” I asked him unmoved.

“Can we leave her out of this? This is about us, Thule listen to” he said moving a bit closer further
trapping me against the desk.

“No. I cut him again. The words you just used, I can’t go a day without you babe. Did you also
say them to her too? Oh I can’t go a day without you as my wife Tobi?” I asked him my voice was
shaking.

“What?” He asked with a confused look on this face.

“What what? Is that why you moved your wedding to three months from now coz just like with
me you can’t go a day without Tobi?” Right on cue the flood gates opened and I was crying
again.

“Thule oh Thule,baby.” He pulled me into his arms.

I resisted and for a minute there was a struggle. Of course I relented, this was Mlibo. I cried into
his arms.

“Thule you could have come to me, I could have explained it to you.” He was saying against my
hair.

“Explain what exactly Mlibo, I said pushing him away and wiping the tears off my face. How easy
it is for you to have sex with me and make me feel like we have something special then turn
around and ask my sister to fast track your wedding? Am I a joke to you?”

“Thule we have something very special, and you know how your sister was, she was depressed.
Planning this wedding was the only thing I could think of to get her out of her depression pit. I’m
sorry Thule I should have known better, I thought you would trust us. Trust this,” he said pointing
at himself and then me.

“No Mlibo I'm done. I said moving away from him to let him out of my office, like I said I choose
my sister.”

Before I could reach the door Mlibo was upon me, he pushed me against the wall and I turned to
face him, what the..

Leaning towards me he said, “Thule I love you and please don’t ever ask me to stay away from
you again because I can’t, he said as he gave me a heated kiss. I won’t,” he hissed into my
mouth.

Because this was Mlibo and because this was us of course I kissed him back, it will be at this mo-
ment that I betrayed my sister again.

He lifted my dress and this is where we should have stopped but instead I unbuckled his belt and
unbuttoned his pants, he was inside me in seconds.

“Oh Thule,” he kept saying as he slid in and out of me, I barely heard him in my own delirium.
The earth shattered as we both came and only after did I feel any type of shame. How is it that
this one man had so much power over me? All he had to do was touch me and I was done for.

“Will I see you tonight?” He asked as he put back his clothes.

“No, I have a date.” I said. Not smiling.

“Thule I would appreciate it if you did not play like that,” he said with irritation.
He thought I was joking. I wasn’t, I would rid myself of this obsession we had with each other and
another man was exactly how I would do it.

“Not tonight Mlibo.” I insisted.

“Ok I will call you,” he said as he kissed me and left.

I sat down on my desk and right on cue Cathy walked in.

“Darl open the windows it smelled like sex in here.” She said closing the door behind her.

I was mortified. “Cathy!” I half screamed.

“What? I'm being honest, so dish.” she said as she sat on my desk.

“It’s complicated Cathy; I wish I could tell you more than that.” I said looking at her.

There was no way I could tell Cathy I was in love with my sister’s fiancé; she was already spend-
ing her days judging the PA that was sleeping with her boss. I could imagine what she would
have to say about me.

“Well whenever you are ready darling I’m here ok, you know I love the juicy tidbits”, she said as
she got up and left.
CHAPTER 12
When my day was over I went home to change into a tight red dress that said I was available and
willing.

I met up with my date at The Maslow Hotel. We had met in the parking lot of our building and
lucky for me he was not working for the same company. He introduced himself as Oratile and
we’ve been talking since. As I walked in I saw him do an appreciative once over. I leaned in for a
hug.

He smelled good. He was not a handsome guy, far from it but his confidence and the way he
dressed made up for it. He had navy pants and a white shirt on, brown belt with matching shoes.

We sat down and ordered drinks. We got talking as we waiting for our food.

“That dress is screaming for me to take it off, he said with a wicked smile.
Down tiger.

“Is it now, I didn’t know you were a dress whisperer,” I replied and we both laughed.

“I’m more than that, we could get out of here so I could show you.” He said confidently.

Ok this guy was coming on strong, yes I needed a distraction, someone to take my mind off Mlibo
but what I did not need was someone to take to my bed.
I was not ready for that yet, I did not know if I would ever be ready for someone who was not
Mlibo in my bed.

“Please excuse me I need the bathroom”, I said.

I needed to answer my phone that had been vibrating in my bag since I got here. It vibrated again
as I walked into the bathroom. Mlibo.

“Hello”, I said. I was always careful to sound formal when I answered his calls just in case it was
Tobi on the other end.

“Thule! I have been calling,” he was yelling.

“I’m sorry Mlibo I’m still at work, swamped with work and my phone is on silent so I could get
done.” I answered.

“You could have sent a message, you had me worried. I was ready to drive to your place.” He
said his voice a lot calmer than before.

“No I’m good Mlibo as I said its just work.” I replied.

“I’m around Sandton, should I wait for you?” he asked.

“No this could take all night, I said. Then I remembered I was actually on a date. Look Mlibo I
need to go ok.”

“Ok babe, love you,” he said.

“Bye”, I dropped the call.

I checked myself out in the mirror, everything was still in place, just a layer of lipstick needed. I
left to go back to my date. The food had arrived.

“I could have waited for you but I like my food like I like my women, hot! He said.

“Chivalry is truly dead I see.” I said as I sat down.

When we were done with food, we ordered more drinks with Oratile still trying to convince me to
leave with him. We were mid laughter when Oratile looked over my head and said, “I need to say
hello to a friend I just saw walk in, I won’t be long”

“No problem,” I replied.

After a few minutes I turned to look at what could be keeping him. He was chatting excitedly with
a man whose back looked familiar. I was still pondering why he was so familiar, when he turned
around heading in my direction with Oratile. I was Mlibo. Oh no!

I saw him miss a step when he saw me and not only that but he was headed towards our table.
No doubt, Oratile had convinced him to come and greet his date.
I wanted to look away and not stare as they made their way to me but I was like a deer caught in
the headlights, I could not turn away.

“My friend meet the lovely Thule,” Oratile said as they stood above me.

“Wow really Thule?” he said looking incredulously at me.

Ok so we were not going to play it cool and pretend we did not know each other.

“Mlibo.” I simply replied as I turned my back to them.

Of course that was a mistake. Next thing I knew Mlibo was hurling me out of my chair with a pain-
ful grip on my arm.

“Mlibo what in the world?” I said struggling to get out of his vice grip but there was no way I
could, he had me standing next to him. Oratile was standing there looking all kinds of shocked.

Mlibo looked at him square in the eyes and said, “I’m sorry to cut your date short Oratile, but I
don’t share my women.”

And with that we walked out of the restaurant or rather I was dragged out. I had long ceased
struggling when Mlibo threw me inside his car and drove off.

After a long drawn out silence I finally said “Wow, Mlibo that was so mature of you”.

“I would be silent if I were you,” came the curt reply.

“Why should I, you don’t scare me Mlibo. And this Tarzan rendition you just pulled is unaccepta-
ble. I will not be handled like I belong to you Mlibo. I can be with whomever I want”, I said. Even
in my ears I sounded like a whinny school girl.

“Seriously Thule! Are you being serious right now?” he said as he abruptly stopped the car on the
yellow lane and put on the hazard lights. We have so much against us Thule, are you seriously
going to throw in another man in the works?” He asked staring at me with a pained expression.

“I think it’s fair, you have another woman too,” I knew it wasn’t fair. And I saw the hurt pass
through his eyes.

“Mlibo all I want is to exorcize myself of this and if it means I need to date more guys then I will
do it, it’s not fair for you to expect me to just ride this along until we crash because sooner or later
this will crash and my sister will be a casualty,” I continued.

“I promised you I would sort this out Thule, I love you and I will not lose you dammit do you hear
me?” He said through clenched teeth.

“I don’t want you to sort it out Mlibo,” I said.

“What do you want Thule,” he asked.

“I want you to let me go,” I replied weakly.

“That I will never do,” he said as he pulled the car onto the road again.

We rode off in silent until we got to my apartment. When we were in the parking lot he turned to
me and said, “Good night Thule, I need you more than you will ever know”.

For a moment we stared at each other neither one of us moving. In that moment our love was so
tangible I could literally reach out and touch it. Each one of us silently begging the other to be-
lieve in it, to have faith in it.

I reached for the door handle and got out.

I tossed and turned the whole night, feeling guilty for hurting Mlibo yet feeling vindicated in my
actions. In the end the guilt won and I did something I was against, I sent Mlibo an sms.
“Sometimes a girl wants a guy to spend the night, wake up the next day and have breakfast with
her.”
He did not reply.

Chapter 13

I was stuck in meetings the whole day Friday. I was tired when I got home. Around seven I put on
my pyjamas and got into bed to sleep. I had not heard from Mlibo all day, and my pride wouldn’t
let me contact him either. I heard a knock downstairs just as I was dossing off, I checked my
phone by the pedestal and there were no messages. I begrudgingly went down thinking it’s one
of the neighbours or security.

Mlibo was standing at the door, with a box of pizza and DVD’s on top of the pizza box. He was so
endearing standing there with his jeans and t-shirt.

“I thought I’d come by for a movie,” he said.

I smiled and opened the door for him.

“Well as you can see I was already in bed,” I said pointing at my pyjamas.

“I love movies in bed” he said.

I laughed and led him upstairs to my bedroom and grabbed a bottle of wine on our way up.

“I think I should take off my jeans to be comfortable,” he said taking off his jeans and getting in
next to me.

So we got into bed and put the first DVD in my laptop. The first movie was Life starring Martin
Lawrence and we were laughing as we ate pizza and swung wine from the bottle.
It’s amazing how I’d been tired when I got home but was now staying up to finish a two hour mov-
ie, not only that but we watched the second movie as well, Men of Honour starring Cuba Gooding
Jr. The movie had me bawling my eyes out and of course Mlibo called me a cry baby.

After the two movies I was done. We switched off the laptop and turning to Mlibo I said, “Thank
you for a lovely evening, it was amazing”.

It really was.

I got up from the bed to let him out. I couldn’t look at him because I did not want him to see how it
broke my heart seeing him leave me every night to go to my sister. I didn’t want him to see how I
yearned for our stolen moments to last a lifetime.

He grabbed my hand and pulled me back to bed.

“Not yet baby, I want to watch you sleep,” he said.

My heart did a little jiggle dance in my chest as I got back in bed. It didn’t matter that he would
leave after I slept, what mattered at that moment was that he would be there when I fell asleep.
So I got into bed and Mlibo wrapped his arms around me as I drifted off to sleep. It reminded me
of the night we met, when I fell utterly and absolutely in love with a stranger.

I woke up with a start seeing morning light stream into the bedroom, I was still wrapped in Mlibo’s
arms. Oh no!

“Mlibo,” I shook him awake. You overslept, its morning Mlibo you need to go. Tobi must be wor-
ried sick!” I was panicking out of my mind, I did not want Mlibo hurting Tobi which was quite iron-
ic, but also I didn’t want Mlibo getting into trouble. Oh the life of a mistress!

In all the while I was panicking, jumping out of bed and grabbing Mlibo’s jeans off the floor, he
was just sitting on the bed smiling at me.

“What! I screamed. Why am I the only one panicking over here?” I asked.

“You are so pretty when you just woke up and panicking,” he said as he pulled me to him and
kissed me.

“Mlibo what about,” I tried to say.

“Shhhh, came the muffled answer. Worry about this here, right now”. And with that kiss all
thoughts of getting caught and Tobi went right out of my head.

We emerged an hour later to take a shower, a very explicit shower. We went down to make
breakfast, well technically I made breakfast while Mlibo kept me company.
As we sat at the kitchen counter devouring our breakfast I couldn’t help but imagine a lifetime of
such mornings. Waking up in Mlibo’s arms, a shower together. It was perfect. I tried not to think
of the fact that we were on borrowed time. That at any moment now he would have to get up and
go to his real life and I’d be left here, my soul slowly dying.

“What?’ he asked as he caught me looking at him.

“Nothing, I replied. I just love you Mlibo.” I replied.

And I want you to stay here with me forever. I also wanted to add but I didn’t.

“I know baby I know,” he said with a look on his face I could not read.

When we were done with breakfast we sat on the couch and watched the news. A few minutes
into it his phone rang. He took it out of his pocket, looked at the screen and back at me. I knew
what it meant and so I nodded, giving him my consent to answer it.

He got up from the couch and answered his phone with a “Hi Love,”

And with those two words desecrated everything we had just shared.

The perfect morning suddenly living a sour taste in my mouth. I tried not to listen to the conversa-
tion and I concentrated so hard on the words spoken on the news. I didn’t want to hear him tell
Tobi he loved her because I knew those words alone would kill me, kill us.

He didn’t.

After the call he came to sit next to me and holding my hand said, “Thule I have to go”.

“Then go Love”, I said not caring to hide the bitterness from my voice.

“Baby please don’t do this,” he said and I could hear his heart was breaking. I looked at him with
tears in my eyes.

“I’m sorry, go I’m okay I promise. I love you, carry that with you until the next time you see me”. I
said.

He reached over and kissed my forehead and just like that he left.

The thing with Mlibo was, there were too many feelings for me to deal with. There was love, then
there was the hurt that he had another woman in his life and then there was the guilt of that wom-
an being my sister.

It was frustrating and it made me hate myself at every waking moment, but one thing remained
constant and that was my love for him. This love that scared me, that was undoubtedly taking me
straight to hell with a smile on my face.
The following day we had a dress fitting with Tobi. I hated how each time I had to face my sister I
felt my humanity being chirped away. I was the maid of honour I couldn’t escape it.

We met at the bridal dresses boutique. We hugged when we saw each other.

“I missed you Thule,” she said.

I know, I missed you too Tobs,” I said.

“I am so excited Thule, to be honest I never thought this day would come. I always thought it
would be you first, but that was before I met Mlibo.” Tobi said as we walked in.

In different circumstances I would have been happy for her instead I forced a smile and said,
“Let’s go get your wedding dress.”

We went inside and after fitting about five dresses Tobi settled on a mermaid design that took my
breath away. She looked regal. She was going to make such a stunning bride. Then I remem-
bered who she was marrying and I was left feeling guilty.

After the dress fitting we went for lunch.

We had just started eating when Tobi looked at me and said,” Tee can I talk to you”.

“Of course Tobs, what’s up?” I asked. Deep down I didn’t want to talk, I knew the talking would
involve Mlibo somehow.

“Thule I love Mlibo, with all of my heart you know that. I want to spend my whole life with him. To
me he is my whole world. He makes up for my crappy childhood. I mean if having him is the prize
for my parents dying the way they did and my growing up in an orphanage with no one but you in
the world then I will take it. In this lifetime and the next”.

I choked up on my food, it refused to go down so I grabbed my drink and forced it down. I simply
nodded. So she continued.

“I feel sometimes he doesn’t love me the way I love him Thule. I mean yes, he loves me and all
and we are getting married but it’s like I love him more than he loves me. And lately I feel him
slipping away Thule. Then just when I’m confused, he goes and asks me to fast track our wed-
ding like he can’t wait to make me his.”

“See, it’s all in your mind, I said.

“No Thule it’s not. I don’t even remember the last time we had sex, he avoids it and he avoids
me. Take Friday night for instance, he took the night shift and the morning shift back to back. I
had to beg him to come home. Does that sound like a man in love? He prefers to be out there
than with me Thule!” Tobi said almost close to crying.
“Men get wedding jitters Tobs, I’m sure that’s all there is to it. A lifetime commitment can be scary
for anyone, but he wouldn’t have asked you to marry him if he wasn’t sure about you. Remember
that. I have seen you two together, trust me he loves you.” I said the words so convincingly I al-
most believed them myself.

“You think so?” Tobi asked.

I nodded.

“I guess you are right, thank you Thule. Thank you for always being there for me and for being
my reason. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she said as she looked at me with eyes that
shined.

I felt like so horrible at that moment in time. This again is one of times I should have walked away
from Mlibo.

I didn’t.
Chapter 14

The following week on a Wednesday Mlibo called to ask me out on a date to a movie under the
stars. He picked me up after work. The movie started at six,it was one of those never heard of
before movies with a 60’s feel to it. We sat in the car watching the big screen, after a while Mlibo
and I got bored and decided to enjoy a movie of our own in the backseat.

Things got hot and heavy; my top was off, Mlibo’s tshirt was off and then we heard a knock on
the window. We froze. I closed my eyes too mortified to look.

When I heard Mlibo mutter “shit” I knew it wasn’t someone unknown. Mlibo searched for and
gave me my top while he put on his shirt and leaned forward to open the door lock and Siya slid
into the front seat.

“Mlibo I thought that was you”. Siya said turning his head to face us.

At this point I don’t think he had realised Mlibo was with me. He turned his head and saw me at
the back with Mlibo with what must have been a guilty expression on my face. His eyes regis-
tered shock, disbelief and finally realisation. Then he turned to Mlibo and then to me again and
said “Wow”.

There was no way we could lie and say we were just hanging out, the steamy windows and guilty
expressions said it all.

“Wow” he said again.

I was fully clothed but I felt naked, like my true self was laid bare in front of Siya. Whatever illu-
sions he must have had about me finished quickly and all that was left was condemnation and
judgement. I looked at the car floor.

“Siya, Mlibo finally said. It’s not what you think man”.
So Mlibo was going to choose that moment to use the most cliché statement from a guilty per-
son?

“I need to go back to my date, he said as he turned to leave. That was it? That’s all he was going
to say? Before closing the door he continued, let’s meet at the Macdonalds on Grayston. We
need to talk after I drop off my date. He closed the door not giving us a chance to reply. After he
was gone we sat there for a while, each lost in their own thoughts.

I finally turned to Mlibo and asked, “Do you think he will tell Tobi?”

“No Siya is not like that,” he replied.

“But then what does he want to talk about?” I asked.

“To give us a tongue lash more than anything else, Siya loves Tobi very much and the last thing
he wants to see is for her to get hurt”, he answered rubbing his temples.

I was not in the mood for a tongue lash from Siya, I already did that to myself every night before
falling asleep.

“We are not going to hurt her” I said with conviction.

Mlibo turned his head to look at me.

“Someone is bound to get hurt in all of this,” Mlibo said matter of factly.

“Yes but it will not be Tobi,” came my reply.

“Me then? He asked. Because I will not let it be you Thule.” He pulled me into his arms and I
knew he meant it.

But what was the end to all of this? I will not let Tobi get hurt and Mlibo won’t let me get hurt, but
who was protecting Mlibo? Who would make sure Mlibo didn’t get hurt?

When the movie ended we made our way to our rendezvous place with Siya. My insides were
shaking, what if he does decide to tell Tobi about what he saw? What if Mlibo was wrong, how in
the world would I convince Siya not to rat us out. I looked over at Mlibo and he was cool as a cu-
cumber as he parked the car and switched it off.

He turned to me and said, “Want anything from inside?”

Any other day I would have said an Oreo Mcflurry but I doubted it would even go down. I shook
my head.

A few minutes later Siya’s car pulled up next to ours. He got out and got in at the back of the car
we were in.
Mlibo and I both turned so we could face him, though I could barely look at him. My eyes wan-
dered everywhere, I even noticed a stain on the back window.

“Look guys, I don’t know how this thing between you two started or why it even started, he sent
Mlibo an accusing look. But it stops here, right now. Tobi is my best friend and I love her, I will not
have her hurt like this. She trusts you two with her life and this thing that you have going on will
destroy her.”

He was right of course. We all knew it, two of the people she trusted the most betraying her
would completely destroy Tobi.

“Look Siya, I get you where you are coming from and I respect you for it. But I will not be told by
you on how to live my life ok?” came Mlibo’s unexpected reply. Siya and I both looked up at him.
“This is my mess and I will deal with it my own way, he continued.

A mess, that’s what this thing between Mlibo and I was, a huge mess.

“And I suppose your dealing with it, is you marrying Tobi while still f*cking your whore on the
side?” Siya asked sarcastically.

Whaaat? Ok I knew Siya was mad but to up and call me a whore was insulting. No sooner had
the words left his mouth than Mlibo lunged for him.

“What did you call her?” Mlibo yelled while trying to reach for Siya and punch him. Siya was quick
and neatly moved out of his punch range.

I tried to hold Mlibo back, “Mlibo come on, don’t do this.”

After realising he wasn’t going to punch Siya, Mlibo sat back on his seat and yelled,” I told you to
stay out of this Siya, this has nothing to do with you. You don’t know her like that and you have
no idea what this is!”

“You involved me when you cheated on my best friend Mlibo. I will not idle by and watch as you
drive her straight to your hell, do you hear me? Siya too was yelling.

“Fuck you Siya, don’t you dare play the saint here. Have I ever said anything when you were
changing girls every week like underwear? No I stay out of your business, so stay the fuck out of
MINE!” Mlibo was yelling, barely containing his anger.

I had never seen Mlibo this mad, I was genuinely scared for Siya.

“Those girls aren’t your best friends, so you could stay out of it.” Siya wasn’t relenting.

“Well those girls are somebody’s best friends too, like I said stay out of it Siya. Get off your high
horse.” Mlibo shot back.
“Look, either you guys end it or I tell Tobi. Unlike you I will not lie to Tobile, ever. That’s not what
friends do. And he stared daggers my ways.

I sheepishly averted my eyes. Siya opened his door and continued, “Do the right thing man,” and
with that he slammed the door.

We sat there silently after he left. I was shaken, both by what had gone down and by Siya’s
words. He was right of course. Friends didn’t do to friends what I was doing to Tobi.

“I’m sorry baby, Siya had no right to call you names,” he said as he pulled me to him.

That’s when the flood gates opened and I cried loudly in his arms. Since Mlibo and I started our
forbidden affair I had always been the one to chastise, judge and crucify myself. I did it well, but
hearing someone else vilifying me like that made me feel like the worst kind of person.

The reality of what Mlibo and I were doing became that more stark. It was heinous and unforgiva-
ble, it didn’t matter how much I loved him and heaven knows I loved him. But was that enough to
betray loved ones and throw all morals and conscience to the wind?

He held me tighter, “Come baby don’t do this to yourself. You can’t let other people tell you what
this is or what you are. They are not here with you and me. They do not feel what we feel,” he
said kissed the top of my head. He only managed to make me cry harder.

“I can’t do this Mlibo, I can’t. I heaved. What kind of person am I? Siya is right you know,” I said
detangling myself from him and wiping my tear stained face.

Mlibo shook his head in frustration, “Then let’s tell Tobi about us Thule and end this charade!”

I went home to pack my bag and then later went to join the girls at Tobi’s house.
The boys had left already, and the girls were irritated that I had held them up. I apologised and
we left.

On the way, Lerato who had been drinking since we left Johannesburg said, “Tobile, tell me are
you absolutely sure that Mlibo is the one. What I mean is, are you ready to be with him for life?”

Tobi who was driving replied, “I have never been sure of anything in my life, in fact I can’t wait.
Mlibo is the other part of me that completes me and without him I wander about aimlessly not
sure of myself or of the world. He is my heart beat.”

I looked out of the window my heart filled with so much guilt.

Lerato asked again, “But how do you know he is the one?”

“It’s in the way he loves me, takes care of me and holds my hand through the darkest of days.
Where I am weak, he is strong. I know I am safe with him and he would never hurt me.”Came the
reply from the smiling Tobi.

Either Tobi was very naive or Mlibo was that much of a good actor. Because I knew without a
shadow of doubt Mlibo did not love her in the way she thought. And therein was the resentment
towards my sister.

“Oooh, that’s the most romantic thing I have ever heard. And you guys are perfect together. You
are the epitome of what love should be.” Alizwa gushed.

I really didn’t like this girl.

We got to Sun City around midnight, we checked in and went to our rooms. The hotel was abso-
lutely stunning, totally worth all the money they charged.Tobi and I shared a room and the other
girls shared another. We were tired and we slept.

The next day we spent our time at the valley of the waves. Later we dressed up and went to the
club to get wasted. There were guys who came up to us and bought us drinks as we stood at the
bar, and one of them was cozying up on Tobi even though she had a bride to be swatch on.

Tobi flirted back but I knew she didn’t want to take it further.
Lerato turned to her and whispered in a loud voice, “Last chance to get laid before being stuck
with one D for the rest of your life.”

Tobi laughed heartily and said, “I am good thanks but hey you can go ahead. And ten minutes
later Lerato and the guy disappeared. What happens in Sun City stays in Sun City!

After a few more drinks and we were dancing on tables and screaming at the top of our voices,
downing shots after shots.

We were completely wasted as we made our way back to our rooms. Trying and failing to carry
each other while giggling the whole time with Alizwa repeating, “This is the your last chance to
get laid Mrs to be, the very last.”

And to which we would repeat and scream “The last time!”

We flopped into our beds fully clothes. My bed was spinning, and no matter how much I tried to
hold it down it just kept spinning and spinning. After a while I got up and decided to drink water
hoping it would help. I looked over at Tobi and she was passed out.

On my way back to the bed my phone rang. I looked at the caller and the time. It was 2:30am
and Mlibo was calling. I answered with a whispered “Hello”, though I doubted Tobi would have
woken up if there was an earthquake.

“Thule, please come down I’m parked in front of your hotel,” Mlibo sounded funny, I guess he
was drunk.
I sneaked out of our room and made my way to Mlibo. I found him waiting for me with a dazzling
smile that made my heart constrict. This man I loved beyond reason and who loved me. I smiled
back and got inside the car with him.

“Thule, let’s go clubbing. You know you and I have never gone clubbing just the two of us,” he
said as soon as I closed the door. I was drunk and it sounded like fun, so I said yes.

He leaned over and kissed me. I pulled from him and looked at him His eyes were glazed, yep
definitely was drunk.

“The boys made me drink. He said seeming to read my mind. I didn’t want to because I knew if I
did I would want to be with you.

“And you don’t want to be with me?” I asked a bit hurt.

“No Thule, I knew you wouldn’t want to. You my darling valiant martyr wouldn’t want to be with
the love of your life on his bachelor party” he said.

Mlibo knew me too well, but what he didn’t know was the drunk me. The drunk me wanted him in
whatever way I could get him.

“Well you were wrong, I want you Mlibo, I want you ”, I said smiling at him, my heart fluttering.

And off we went. The club was inside Sun City, so we didn’t even have to drive we just parked
the car at the basement. I couldn’t help looking around to make sure that none of his friends or
Tobi’s were around as we entered the club.

Though my head was still spinning I was better than what I was, so Mlibo’s conspicuous hand on
mine was making me uncomfortable. His grip told me he wasn’t letting go. I followed him inside.
The place was crowded, making me instantly uncomfortable. Mlibo led me to the bar and ordered
shots for us. It amazed me how free and comfortable Mlibo was standing at the bar downing
shots with me, occasionally pulling me to him and kissing me.

Wasn’t he afraid we’d be caught? What we were doing was brazen for the groom and maid of
honour. After the shots I started feeling comfortable too. I was with the man I loved and we were
in a club. I pulled him to the dance floor.

The music was pumping and we were dancing and grinding on each other. Mlibo pulled me to
him and kissed me right there on the dance floor and after he looked at me and yelled above the
music “I love you Thule”.

Of course I yelled back that I loved him too. And I did love the man, with my whole being. My
love for him was all consuming. It was what kept me going when I had nothing else. His love was
the one thing I was sure of in this world of lies and betrayal we were living in.
But the lies and deceit were forgotten as we danced the dawn away. What mattered at that mo-
ment was Mlibo and I, in each other’s arms. So content, so in love and so right. It was so thrilling
watching Mlibo dance, I never knew that about him. I have never seen him like this. He had
moves, and was teaching me a thing or two.

The club closed and people filed out. The sun was up when we went out of the club. I had had
the best night of my life dancing with Mlibo.

“That was fun Thule, I had the most fun with you. Mlibo said as he was dropping me off. Here is
to me hoping you felt the same and that will help you see that you need to stop this charade Thu-
le, right now.”

I looked at him for the longest time. I wanted him to see how much I loved him. “I love you Mlibo”,
I said as I got out of the car. I went back to the room and found Tobi still passed out. I fell on to
my bed and passed out too.

We woke up at midday and made our back to Joburg. I fetched my car from Tobi’s house noticing
that Mlibo was not back yet. I went back to my apartment to rest.

Evening I received a message on my phone from Mlibo that read “hey babe, safely back in Jozi
and missing you badly my dancing queen”. I smiled. My heart was overwhelmingly full. I tried five
times to reply to his text but in the end all I could manage was “please delete this message, we
do not text EVER”.

I was protecting him and Tobi, I knew Tobi went through his phone on occasion. It hurt me that I
couldn’t text back the things in my heart but I guess it’s the price I had to pay. I couldn’t get all the
liberties of a proper girlfriend. Though if I was being honest Mlibo made me feel like I a proper
girlfriend and if I’d allow myself I’d start acting as such.

The next day I went to work to finalise all my pending files and cases. It would be my last day be-
cause the rest of the week I’d be helping Tobi finalise everything before going to sleep over at the
venue on Friday. Everything was coming together nicely. Since the moment I woke up I had a
sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Things would never be the same after the wedding. I’d
be busy with a file at work and my heart would start pounding really hard and I’d remember the
impending wedding.

I was a mess, I wanted to see Tobi happy but I wanted to see Mlibo’s happiness more and hadn’t
he told me a numerous times that his happiness was with me? Where did my happiness dwell? In
a lifelong friendship or in my one true love?
Chapter 17
My work was suffering, most of my probable risk was exaggerated and I’m sure my numbers
were out of whack.
I was done by 8pm after doubling checking everything. I did not want any comebacks. I was done
here. I got up from my desk and left.
I went straight home passing by a liquor shop to get wine. I needed to keep my feelings in check.
I was surprised to see Mlibo’s car parked at my visitors parking. He wasn’t inside the car, I guess
he let himself in. I needed to take back my remote and house keys I had duplicated for him.
I wondered what he had come for. To say goodbye? I did not want for him to say goodbye, I did-
n’t think I would bare it. Mlibo was a formal guy, I’m sure he thought it would be noble to come
and say goodbye formally.
It had always been an unspoken rule in our affair that it would never go beyond his marriage. If
he got married to Tobi he would commit to it a hundred percent. Yes Mlibo was here to say good-
bye.
I stood by my car for a few minutes conjuring up the courage I knew I would need to say goodbye
to him. I wasn’t ready, I had wanted to do this in my terms. In the end it had to be done, taking a
breath I walked towards my door. Why did it feel like I was walking to my execution?
I walked in to find Mlibo waiting for me sitting on the couch deep in thought. He looked up when I
walked in. I drank him in, I wanted to store him to my memory forever. This man I dearly loved.
He looked so handsome sitting on my couch looking up at me with his beautiful eyes so full of
love.
“I have been waiting since 6”, he said getting up.
“I’m sorry I had to finalise things at the office”, I said not moving from the door,I used it to support
myself. I did not trust my legs to hold me up. He came to stand next to me.
“The wedding is on Saturday, he said quietly.
“Yes I know,” I said inaudibly.
“You can still stop this Thule” Mlibo looked at me earnestly.
Did I have it in me to stop the wedding? No, I had already made that decision. Was it too late to
change my mind? Yes, in so many ways.
“Thule I implore you,” Mlibo said coming towards me.
“No Mlibo! I said a bit harsher than I intended, ducking from his embrace. Let’s say our goodbye
and forget each other.”
“Like I could ever forget you Thule, like I could ever forget us! he said with his voice breaking.
Don’t condemn us to his life, I won’t survive Thule. You are my North Star, in you I find my way. I
want to be with you Thule please.”
My heart was breaking in a thousand pieces. My eyes welled up and I looked at him and shook
my head and said, “I can’t Mlibo, we can’t.”
“Don’t you love me Thule? Don’t you hear the anguish in my voice, the fear of going through life
without you?”
“I love you with my whole being Mlibo, don’t ever question that. If anything that you should never
doubt.” I said with tears streaming down my eyes.
“You just love Tobi more.” It was a statement than a question. And he was so wrong, I loved him
more. I just knew he was stronger than Tobi was. He would survive this, Tobi wouldn’t.
“Thule can I take you somewhere, where I go whenever I need to find an answer or solution. A
place I go to get perspective on things.” He asked earnestly.
“Oright,” I replied. I doubted this place of his would change my mind but it was a few more mo-
ments with Mlibo, a few more memories to hold on to when I needed to survive the days ahead.
The days without him.
“Let’s go, bring your passport and a change of clothes. I will wait in the car for you.” He said walk-
ing out and not giving me time to ask what I needed my passport for. Where were we going?
I packed my toiletries, pair of jeans and t-shirt. I changed the work clothes I was wearing to leg-
gings and a tank top. I grabbed my jacket and walked out locking the door behind me. Mlibo
smiled as I climbed into the car. “Get comfortable Dancing Queen, we have a long ride a head.”
“I hope you not kidnapping me to Zimbabwe, I said.
“Don’t worry even if I were,you will be safe with me.” He replied driving out.
“Mlibo”
“Don’t worry, I will bring you back Thule. He said. We passed by the garage and filled up on fuel,
bought takeaways and snacks for the road to wherever and hit the N1 towards Bloemfontein.
We were on the highway when I turned to Mlibo and said, “Tell me how you met Tobi”.
I could see from his face the question had caught him off guard. He was silent for a while, I did-
n’t think he was going to answer the question when he finally said. “At a party hosted for the new
doctors at the hospital. I was never really looking for a stable relationship when we met, but her
easy spirit and vulnerability drew me to her. I wanted to protect her from whatever that caused
the pain behind her laughter. I guess I saw myself in her, I wanted to be to her what I never had
in my life.”
He was right about Tobi being vulnerable. When you see her you can’t help but want to protect
her, not wanting for her to ever feel pain again. Especially the pain her father had caused her.
“And now Mlibo? Why did all that change, why don’t you want to protect her now?”
“What changed?” he glanced at me and then back at the road. “What changed is that I met the
love of my life, I met you Thule and everything changed. I finally figured out what made the world
go round, and that’s loving someone. I want that for myself. I want to be completely off my axis.”
“Are you saying you didn’t love Tobi then? I find that hard to believe seeing that you asked her to
marry you.”
“I’m not saying I never loved Tobi, all I’m saying is when I met you I knew what it felt like to be in
love with someone. For my heart to beat for someone else, for my soul to find a mate. To have a
communion with someone. I knew what butterflies were, what it was to find a home and a place
to belong. For the first time to be scared of losing that person because you know it will kill you. To
be afraid of death Thule.”
Every word he spoke I knew to be true because I felt it too.
“All my life no one has loved me, not my mother not my aunt who raised me, no one. The one
person who did, died. And I have spent all my life with this huge gaping void that no one or noth-
ing could fill. I became a doctor hoping that saving lives would fill it. I wanted to marry a woman I
thought I loved but I simply wanted to save too, like my patients. Then you came along, you with
your pretty eyes and dazzling smile. With your innocence that didn’t fit into the world I knew. And
with your big heart that wanted to make everyone you love happy even if it meant you raging
against your fate, your love and your future.
“Oh Mlibo”I choked up.
“You and I belong together Thule, now and forever. I know this like I know my own heart. Don’t
we deserve happiness Thule? Haven’t we sacrificed enough? Must we spend our lives searching
in other people what we can never find? Doesn’t Tobi deserve this kind of love? Doesn’t she de-
serve someone who can love her like I love you? By denying us aren’t you robbing her of that
chance Thule?”
“You ask me why I find it easy to hurt her. I don’t but I know she deserves better than a man that
will forever love another. She deserves better than that. Just like you deserve to be loved my
dancing queen. And I love you Thule, until I draw my last breath I will love you still.”
I was a mess inside, every word Mlibo had said hit home. His words rang true. If I let Mlibo go
would I spend the rest of my life a wallowing soul, searching and never finding? Would Tobi?
Was Mlibo right? By not choosing him was I robbing my sister a chance to find her love too? Did-
n’t she deserve a love like ours?
I stared out of the window aimlessly. In the darkness I found no solace, I found no answer just a
reflection of my mind. I turned back to Mlibo and took his hand in mine. I loved this man, I abso-
lutely loved this man. We were silent as we drove on the only sound made was the low sound of
the country music Mlibo had put on. I didn’t know where we were going but this road was leading
us towards Bloemfontein.
After struggling to keep awake I must have lost the battle, I don’t know how long I slept but I was
suddenly woken up by Mlibo shaking me gently.
“Babe we need to get our passports stamped”, he said.
“Where are we Mlibo?” I asked waking up.
“Maseru” came the reply. What in the world where we doing in Lesotho? Oh yes to get a perspec-
tive. We stood in a line and after we had our passport stamped went back into the car.
We entered Lesotho and an unmissable “Welcome to Maseru´ welcomed us.
“We still have a further four hours to drive” Mlibo said with an amused smile on his face.
I was not amused, I looked at the time and we had been travelling for 4 hours and another 4 did
not sit well with me.
“You know what I think I got perspective on our situation Mlibo really, can we turn back?” I said.
“Are you choosing me now?” he asked.
I did not reply.
“I didn’t think so”, he said.
So on we went to get me some perspective. To kill time we spoke about everything and anything.
From our politics to the entertainment industry. Our conversation was easy and we laughed easi-
ly. I could talk to Mlibo all day and never tire of it. His views though stringent rang true and our
views were almost identical.
The sun was rising on the hills when we finally arrived in a little village called Katse. We come
through a gate that had small house holdings enclosed by a security fence. Mlibo made his way
to the reception area that was a big house made of stone. It was stunning. I was bushed, I waited
in the car as Mlibo went to check us in.
He came back with keys and we drove out of the security gate away from the lodge. I turned to
him and asked, “What, they didn’t have space?”
“They had space Thule, I want to show you something”. He replied.
Ok then. We drove a few metres on to the road and stopped. From our vantage point we could
perfectly see the dam and the hills on the backdrop. In one of the small hills the sun was rising
and it was beautiful, the most beautiful scenery I had ever seen. There was only one word to de-
scribe it, picturesque. Ah perspective.
“It’s beautiful Mlibo” I said.
“It is isn’t it?” he said not looking at the sun but at me. We got out of the car and just stood out-
side looking at the sun and smelling the fresh air. I realised I had never in my life seen the rise as
it rose, the colours were beautiful on the hill and on the water was breath-taking.
I looked at Mlibo standing next to me looking over the dam and smiled and I saved the moment to
memory. I wanted to always remember that look on his face, so relaxed and serene and so hap-
py. Happy with me.
He turned and caught me looking, he smiled and pulled me to him and kissed me so thoroughly,
he left me breathless. We drove back to the lodge.
Mlibo stopped and park in front of one of the small flat lets. He got our bags and we headed in-
side. The flat was cosy consisting of a lounge, kitchen, two bedrooms and a bathroom. We went
into the main bedroom. There was a big queen sized bed that looked so inviting, but I decided to
take a shower first.
Mlibo went to search channels on the tv and I peeled off my clothes and headed to the shower.
The water was steaming hot and I stood there for a while enjoying it. I heard the shower door
open behind me. “Nothing interesting on?” I asked.
“Not half as interesting as this shower”, he said as he came behind me and started kissing my
neck from behind. It made me feel dizzy, my head was swimming. No matter how many times
Mlibo and I have been together I still get crazed and excited like the first time. He took the
sponge I held in my hand and smothered it with shower gel, then turned me around proceeded to
wash me.
It was the most sensual shower of my life. After he lathered me with the shower gel, he let the
water cleanse away the suds and then he went down on me. I came the instant his mouth was on
me. He stood and turned me around and took me from the back. So slowly so rhythmic nothing
but the sound of my moans and the cascade of water on us. When he came, he came with a
moan followed by a "Oh Thule". And even after he came he didn't stop until my body convulsed
with my own climax.
We stood there letting the water run down on us. I switched off the shower and Mlibo carried me
to the bedroom. We wiped our bodies and got into bed where he proceeded to make love to me
again until I was raw but still not sated. And he made love to me some more. Each time better
than the last. When we finally fell asleep he was still inside of me.
We awoke when the sun was going down. We walked down to the reception building where a
restaurant was also housed. There was a fireplace that warmed the place and turned the whole
restaurant into a homey place. We ordered wine and sat by the fire. When the waiter returned
with the food’s menu Mlibo insisted we try the local trout. I was a bit sceptical at first but when
they brought our food, I was pleasantly surprised. One of the best fish I have ever tasted.
I looked at this awesome lovable man in front of me and said, “Thank you for this Mlibo,” My
heart was full.
“Anything to win you over Thule. He said making my heart hitch. Come here”.
I went over to him and snuggled in his arms while we both watched the fire. My heart so content
and my soul recognising its home in the arms of the man than held me. I didn’t want the moment
to ever end, I wanted to remain in his arms there by the fire in a village called Katse for eternity.
There was something about being in this side of the world that made it seem as if there was only
him and I in the world. Just him and I and there was no Tobi or Siya’s judgemental eyes or my
niggling conscience.
After a while we were both drowsy so we made our way back to our place. That night I slept so
peacefully. There weren’t many times I could count that Mlibo and I had slept together through
the night. In fact it had only ever been once. I appreciated this, greatly. I held my pee until the
morning because I did not want to move from those arms, not even for a second.
The next morning after our bath we went down for breakfast. We sat outside though it was cold
and from our vantage point could see the dam and the hills beyond. The scenery was breath-
taking and as such the breakfast was the best meal I have ever had. I took pictures with my
phone that had been rendered useless since we entered Lesotho. When the waiter that was serv-
ing us came out to collect our plates he offered to take pictures of Mlibo and me with the dam as
our background. They were the only pictures I had of Mlibo and I together.
After, the receptionist organised for horse riding. We rode through the village of Katse, it was rel-
atively small with meandering rivers and slopes. It was also beautiful, quiet and serene. After a
two hour ride we went back to the lodge. Mlibo suggested a boat ride, I didn’t know we could do
that here. We went down the other side of the dam to find a small building and pier. Mlibo ex-
plained that this was a fishing plant, though it was small the fish harvested there was exported to
both South Africa and China.
The boat was small but cosy and we were the only ones there for the ride. We paid and our cap-
tain led us into the water. When we were right in the middle of the dam surrounded by water the
captain stopped the boat and told us to enjoy the scenery. We looked at all the islands in the wa-
ter and on the hill there stood our lodge. It was a beautiful sight to see. I don’t think I could ever
get over how beautiful everything looked.
Mlibo pulled me into his arms and I looked into his glorious face and if I ever thought I loved him
before it palled to what I felt looking up at his face at that moment. Here was a man I would love
until time stood still. As if he could read my eyes he said, “I love you too Thule” and he bent his
face and kissed me.
We stood there in each other’s arms taking nature in and taking each other in. Taking that mo-
ment in. Nothing could ever take away standing in the boat with Mlibo on Katse Dam. Not time,
not distance and not guilty consciences. Nothing. That moment was mine to hold on to for all
eternity. Mine to etch into my heart for as long as I lived.
It was evening when we made our way back to the lodge. That night Mlibo made love to me like a
man possessed and I gave back as much as I got.
There was no sleep for us, we told each other how much we loved the other using the only lan-
guage we knew, our bodies. No measure of time would ever be enough to really tell Mlibo how
much I loved him. He made love to me as if he was trying to pour his very soul into me. We were
one and still it wasn’t enough. When the sun rose behind the hills I knew it would never be
enough, we could be given forever and it would still fall short.
I was dozing off when he whispered “Thule I am yours and you are mine”, that’s the moment I
knew what he said was true. I was his and he was mine, here now, out there and for always.
We woke up around midday and went to have breakfast, the whole time I felt like I was floating.
There is no comparing the feeling of loving someone and having them love you in return. It gives
a new dimension on things. During breakfast Mlibo looked at me at and said, “Thule we must go
back,”
I came crashing down from the cloud I was floating on. Then I couldn’t look at him.
“I know,” I said and couldn’t hide the sadness in my voice.
Mlibo took my hand and said, “Come let me show you something before we leave.”
We walked to the other side of the lodge and there was a gate with a sign of a botanical garden.
We walked in and walked inside, there were a variety of plants and trees each with their own bio-
logical classification. We walked through all the plants holding hands and not saying much, and
every so often I would feel Mlibo squeezing my hand.
We walked down and there was an old stone house that was a distance from the garden and
Mlibo said we should go see what was inside. There was nothing inside but it was a beautiful
house and we stood at the front footing and looked down at the dam. I was still taking the whole
thing in when Mlibo suddenly went down on his knees in front of me. My heart hitched, I couldn’t
catch my breath. What was Mlibo doing?
“Breathe Thule”, he said looking up at me. I exhaled.
He continued, “I remember the first day I saw you, that was the first time in my life I ever felt my
heart skip. There was something about you that made me want to know you, want to hold you.
Something that wanted to be known by you, to be held by you. I will never condone what I did to
you or to Tobi. With the same breath I will never condemn myself for it, because this thing is way
beyond us. It’s bigger than us Thule.
Remember how we fought against this? Could we stay away from each other then?” He asked. I
shook my head.
“I know how you feel Thule, and that is what I love about you. You put everyone else before your
own happiness. I know it doesn’t look like that right now but someday in the midst of this black
cloud the sun will break through. We will face it together, the shame the guilt and the insults
hailed at us. We will weather the storm together my heartbeat.
Thule there is no Mlibo without you and sometimes I wonder how I made it for so long without
you in my life but then I figured my soul always knew you were coming. You are the pieces to the
puzzles in my life and my heart recognizes your heart because they are one. Don’t make me go
through life with half a heart that barely beats Thule. Don’t do it to me, don’t do it to yourself. I
love you my beautiful dancing queen, let’s get married.”
He then put his hand in his pocket and took out a small black box, he opened it.
There it was. A beautiful silver ring with one rock surrounded by black diamonds. It was too gor-
geous for words. By this time I was crying freely. He was looking up at me expectedly. I knelt
down in front of him, my heart breaking and my trembling hands taking his into mine.
“What about Tobi, Mlibo?” I said with my voice shaking and my heart breaking.
“Thule we will face her together, he said looking at me. In the end it won’t be easy I won’t lie but
with time it will get easy. She will understand.”
And there it was, the one thing Mlibo didn’t get. Tobi would never understand. But how did I do it?
How did I walk away from Mlibo especially after these two glorious days together? How did I go
on? But how did I betray my sister?
I looked at the love of my life and said, “I loved you the first time I saw you sitting across the room
from me. I gave you all of my firsts and I will give you all my lasts for I will love you until I take my
last breath. When I lie dying and my life flashes before my eyes it’s your face I will see. These
days we have spent together have shown me how I belong to you and you belong to me. How I
love you Mlibo, words are not enough nor action or time. I could spend a lifetime with you but my
heart would still never know fulfilment. He was smiling at me as I said these words.
You and I are strong and no matter what life throws at us we have this. I will take this and wher-
ever I go and wherever you are this love will be our strength. When our very souls feel like giving
up let this moment carry us. We have that, my sister doesn't and all she has is you and me. I
have been her strength all our lives and now it's your turn. Do not break her Mlibo. She loves me
and she has had people that love her betray her, I won’t do it to her again. We won’t do it to her
again.
“No Thule”, he said.
“Yes Mlibo”, I said nodding my head. In what world do you think we would exist in if we do this to
her, in what world would we be happy in?”
“In this world Thule dammit” he was desperate, holding me and shaking me, as if that would
make me change my mind. We could stay here and never go back, we could forget the world and
just exist here Thule, forever.”
“Oh Mlibo, I wish it were that easy. I wouldn’t hesitate, don’t you see? If it were that easy I would
sit here with you and never leave, it would be enough. But I can’t do that to her” I cried.
“Yet you can do it to me?” he said in a voice that broke my heart in a thousand pieces.
“I made no promises to you Mlibo,” I said not looking at him.
I looked at him and I don’t know where I got the strength to say to him, “I’m sorry Mlibo, I choose
her”.
After looking at me for a few heart-breaking moments he finally let me go and realisation finally
dawned to him. I saw him clench and unclench his jaws. Then he stood up and said, “Let’s go,
it’s getting late, I don’t want my fiancé to worry,”. He was being hurtful and it was working, but I
wasn’t going to show him.
“Yes let’s go Mlibo” I simply said.
So we walked away towards the beginning of his life and the ending of mine because my heart
was left in the hills of Lesotho that overlooked Katse dam, there my heart will always remain. I
knew from here on there can never be Mlibo and I again and the very thought was like a boulder
in my chest and for a second I couldn’t breathe. I also knew that I would spend the rest of my life
pining for Mlibo and wondering what could have been.
I didn’t know what the future held, whether I would ever find love again, get married and have
kids. But one thing I did know was that on the day I died, my soul would never have peace and in
these snow-capped hills and glistering waters, there my soul would always roam.
What a sight we must have made coming out of the gate we had walked into previously holding
hands and smiling. Now Mlibo walked in front of me with a grim face and I had red bloated eyes.
We checked out and were on our way. Not a word was said in the car only the sound of music.
We made it back in Johannesburg by late evening. Mlibo dropped me off at my place, we sat in
the mutely. After a while I reached for the car handle to get out, and Mlibo said “Thule”. My
breath hitched and had he asked me to choose him then I would have. But instead he simply
said “See you at the wedding”.
I nodded and got out of the car carrying my bag, I didn’t look back and I heard the car reverse
and go. I made my way inside my apartment, after locking the door behind me went up to my
room and threw myself in bed. Then the dam walls broke, I cried like the night I discovered Mlibo
was Tobi’s fiancé. I cried until I had no more tears left and still I cried some more.
I cried for myself, cried for Mlibo and I cried for Tobi. I cried for all of us because whatever way
you looked at it we were all screwed. Tobi none the wiser. I never knew emotional pain could
turn to a physical pain until that night, it hurt so badly and I will never forget the pain of a broken
heart. I knew my heart would never heal and I would go through life with a scarred heart. Some-
where between my cries I fell asleep.
Chapter 19
I woke up the following day feeling like I had been run over by a bus. I took a shower and made
coffee. I immediately felt human again. I retrieved my phone from my bag and turned it on. A
stream of messages immediately beeped most from Tobi, some from Siya. I called Tobi back.
“Thule where the heck have you been?!” I have been worried sick, I’m literally on my way to open
a missing person’s case. What happened to you? She yelled on the phone.
Where had I been? I was paving a way for you perfect wedding Tobs.
Instead I said, “I’m sorry Tobi I had so much work to do, I really needed to switch off my phone to
get work done. I’m sorry I left you on a latch. But I’m here now 100%.”
“You could have told me Thule, you were gone and Mlibo also had to go home. I was alone and
scared,” she said and I could picture her pouting.
“I’m sorry Tobs, I can imagine how stressed you were, but I’m here now.” It’s all I could say.
“Wait for me at your place, Siya and I are coming to pick you up,” she said and cut the call.
I packed a few things and would be staying with Tobi until Friday, then we would be going to
sleep over at the venue with the other bridesmaids. The groom and groomsmen were also sleep-
ing at the venue but on a different floor.
Tobi and Siya came and I had to lie again about where I had been but I guess Tobi was too
stressed to really interrogate me further. Siya didn’t say much but I had a feeling he knew exactly
where I had been and with whom. It wasn’t no coincidence that Mlibo and I would disappear the
same number of days. But from what I got Mlibo had laid on a good lie about going home to
speak to the family elders before the wedding.
We spent the day shopping for last minute accessories and gutters. Tobi commented on how
tired I looked and that it showed how hard I had been working. If only!
I slept over at Tobi’s and Siya went home to host Mlibo. The next day we went to have our hair
and nails done with the other girls. Later we went to practise our wedding step with the boys at
Siya’s. Mlibo did not look at me once and seemed to be enjoying the dancing and he was laugh-
ing and generally happy. It cut but I guess this was what I had signed up for. They left in the
evening and we went to bed.

We got to the venue midday and set out taking pictures wearing our bride and bridesmaids t-
shirts and shorts. The photographer was sweating through all the semi nudity. I looked over at
Tobi while she was orchestrating poses with the photographer and she was absolutely glowing.
She turned and caught me staring and asked "What Tee?"
I replied "You look so happy Tobs.”
She smiled widely and said "Oh Tee I am. I couldn’t be happier, tomorrow this time I will be mar-
ried to the man I love. Life is just perfect.”
I knew then I had made the right decision.
When we were done we went to our room to discuss tomorrow programme. We also called the
make-up artist to ensure she would be here on time.
 Later we went to the venue manager to discuss sittings and decor. The decor lady was nearly
done at the banquet room and it was breath-taking already. Everything was just perfect. We went
to bed. Tobi insisted on taking pills to help her sleep better, so she can be relaxed for her big day.
She was out by 9pm. I slept after midnight tossing and turning, wondering how Mlibo was feeling.
I had stopped feeling anything and was going through the motions. I smiled when it was expected
and laughed when the event rose but I was dying inside. If Tobi hadn't been so excited about her
upcoming nuptials she would have seen my dead eyes looking back at her and would have could
me out. Lerato and Alizwa were none the wiser. They had gone down to the bar. I quietly cried
myself to sleep on the evening my sister was to marry my soul mate.
The next morning was hectic and in disarray. The hairdresser was running late and between the
chaos Tobi broke a nail and we were all running around trying to get someone to come and fix it.
I tried to convince her that no one would notice but she was having none of it. In the end we got
someone to come out at a hefty price.
After the rush of getting everyone ready we finally emerged. This was it. The matrimonial would
be taking place in the garden. We made our way down. Siya met us along the way as he would
be walking Tobi down the aisle. I looked at him anxiously and he gave me a thumbs up and I
knew everything was fine that on the other side of the door waiting in the garden was Mlibo ready
to marry Tobi, just like it was always meant to be.
Alizwa gave the thumbs up to the music guy and he played a low sounding song, Alizwa walked
in followed by Lerato. We didn't have flower girls and page boys because we didn't know any.
Then it was my turn. I turned and looked at Tobi and Siya and smiled then I walked towards my
death. The guests were sitting on both sides of the aisle. It was packed, I hadn’t known Tobi had
so many friends.
I nearly stumbled when I saw Mlibo and for a second I pretended it was me he was waiting for,
that it was me he was marrying. Our eyes locked. We couldn't tear our eyes away from each oth-
er. He was probably imagining the same, that I was his bride.
I took my spot.
The music changed and we tore our eyes away from each other towards Tobi and Siya as they
walked in. Tobi looked so radiant and so confident walking towards Mlibo smiling and I wish I
could see Mlibo's face as he looked at her but all I could see was his side profile.
I heard the pastor ask who was giving Tobi to Mlibo and I saw Siya’s mouth move. I wanted to
scream and rage but I was rooted to my spot. I deserved this, this was my punishment for all the
times I should have walked away and I didn't. My punishment for falling in love with Tobi’s fian-
cée.
In life for whatever wrongdoing there was just punishment and this was mine. There is no pain in
the world that could ever equate watching the man you love give his promise to love and cherish
another woman forever. My eyes were overflowing and I couldn't seem to stop the tears.
I forced myself to watch it all, in all the while it felt like I was under water trying very hard not to
drown. When I heard the pastor say I now pronounce you husband and wife I wanted to give in to
the drowning.
I stood there and watched as they walked over to the table and signed and after a while I felt
eyes on me and an awkward silence.
Lerato said, “You need to go and witness.”
Oh yes I was a witness in the marriage application papers. Lerato handed me a tissue, I made
my way to the table and Tobi beamed as she handed me the pen. Not once did I look at Mlibo. I
signed, smiled and walked back to my spot.
There was music and the newlywed couple walked out to take pics. We followed. I cleaned up
and touched up my face. It was over. Anything after this would be easy, the hard part was past.
Everything seemed surreal as we posed for pictures with the photographer directing our poses.
Everyone was happy, laughing and to the photographer behind the lenses we must have made
such a beautiful picture of joy de vivre.
If he had taken the time to look closer he would have seen two broken eyes staring back at the
lenses. He would have seen the tension and awkwardness when he asked for a picture of the
newlywed couple with the best man and maid of honour.
He would have picked up on the forced smile and the trembling lips that beheld the maid of hon-
our as she stood next to the groom and on close inspection would have seen the side eye the
best man gave the two. But all he noticed I’m sure was the radiant face of the bride as she looked
right at him. What an incandescent picture that must have been.
We made our way to the reception area. I spotted Oratile amongst the guest as we walked in, he
gave me a quizzical look. I could clearly see his confusion and questions, I simply smiled and
waved at him. Every time my eyes met his he had the same confused questioning eyes.
The newlyweds sat on a table right above where we were sited. Every once in a while I would
feel eyes on me but whenever I turned to look Mlibo’s eyes were everywhere but on me .The MC
called my name to come make my speech as was part of the programme.
I stood up on shaking legs, I did not trust myself to do it but I knew it had to be done. I took the
mic and faced my best friend, my sister and the one who had everything I could ever want.
“Tobi and I have known each other for twenty years. We grew up fighting for, defending and pro-
tecting each other. We shared everything thing, clothes, laughter, and all the tears we have cried
over the years. We have encouraged, loved and cheered each other on in this jungle they call
life. I couldn’t love another human being more. She has always been my reason and I her
strength. There is nothing in this world I wouldn’t give her. Last year when she told me she had
met her soul mate, I will admit I was a little jealous. But then I met Mlibo and I was ok.
Tobi loves Mlibo, I have seen it and it gives me profound joy to know that this is the man that will
love and take care of my Tobi all the days of her life. She will give him the most beautiful children
and a warm home.”
I looked and Mlibo and continued “Please take care of her for me Mlibo, I’m handing over the ba-
ton to you. Love her and always tell her how beautiful she looks every day. I wish you guys all the
best in this life and may God richly bless your union.”
I was done, as the guests applauded I took my sit. I will never know where I found the courage to
make that speech. A speech so full of lies and holes, and to have said it with a straight face.
Chapter 20
Food was served and after the couple’s first dance.
I watched them danced and I knew our love never stood a chance, no matter how right it felt or
how much we loved each other we just could never be. Not for us wedding songs and first danc-
es. Our love was doomed from the start. The moment our eyes met we were doomed, to the very
last moment as I watched my love look so right in my sister's arm. This here has always been the
fate of our love. Right here, me with tears streaming down my eyes and him over there with his
wife.
Oh how we raged against our fate in the times we thought we could escape our destiny. In the
times we thought I could betray my sister and in the times he thought I would choose him.
With tears freely following down my face I watched them dance as my heart broke and my soul
shattered. And right on cue Alizwa leaned close to my ear and said "They are so beautiful"
I nodded and replied "That they are."
I felt eyes on me and lifted my shattered eyes to find Siya looking at me with such pity and sorrow
it only managed to make me cry harder. In the end I couldn't stay, I sneaked out and slowly made
my way to the door and with a final glance looked at the scene that would forever be arched in
my memory Mlibo and his wife.
I walked out of the door and made my way to my car. I started the engine and drove off. Without
a second glance. I drove away from my past towards my uncertain future. I suddenly remem-
bered a line to a poem I read once "Love was not enough for us though we were much in love,
we walked down the well-known path but it was not meant to be". How true, how absolutely true!
I cried all the way to the airport. Thinking how impossible the future looked without Mlibo. How
would I get by knowing I would never kiss him again, hold him again. To see his smile and twin-
kling eyes. In my heart I knew I had made the right decision. In what world would Mlibo and I live
in having shattered my sister's life?
Then again in what world would I be living in with my shattered heart? In the end there was no
victory or right decision. My sister was married to a man who loved another and I was destined to
a life without love and what of Mlibo what happens to him?
I made my way OR Tambo Airport and took my luggage from the booth as I parked the car at the
rental services parking and after dropping off the keys and the inspection done, I made my way to
the international departures check in. After checking my luggage in I made my way to the waiting
lounge.
This decision did not come easy. But I knew for my sanity and to give Tobi and Mlibo a fighting
chance I had to take the offer to work in our offices in New York and so here I was, waiting for my
flight.
They announced our flight was boarding and I made my way to the gate. I made my way to my
seat and I had been lucky to find a window seat. I looked out of window and for a second I de-
sired to get out of the plane and go back. This here was real, I was leaving the only life I ever
knew. I had no idea what waited for me on the other side. Would I ever find love again? Will I ev-
er get over Mlibo?
I hadn’t said goodbye, Tobi will wonder where I was and think I would walk in at any moment but
after the night is over. After she came back from her honeymoon she would call me to tell me all
the details of her trip but will find my cell phone number deregistered. She would call my work-
place to find out where I was and they would tell her. When she asks for my number in New York
they would refuse to give her just like I had instructed.
I needed a reset button and my going away was just that. I did not need calls from Tobi telling me
about her new life as Mlibo’s wife. I didn’t need to panic each time she called wondering if that
would be the day she would tell me she was again pregnant. I didn’t need to see the sonar scans
or the birth videos. Most of all I didn’t need to see pictures of her and Mlibo that I knew she would
send me constantly. For a while she would be hurt and not understand but hopefully her new life
will compensate for my absence and with time each passing day will be a little easy to bear.
I knew she would feel betrayed by me and be angry at me, I could take that than her ever finding
out about what I had done behind her back. She will be mad yes but rather that than to ever know
the truth. This was my atonement, she would never know my sacrifice.
I remembered a time when we were seven at the orphanage, her mother’s sister had stopped
coming to visit her because she looked so much like her father. She didn’t understand and the
abandonment left her crying by the gate waiting every Saturday for the aunt that would never
come. I had walked up to her and said, “Tobi, your aunt is not coming. I am here and I will never
leave you.” She had believed me and had taken my hand and she never again stood at that gate
waiting again.
After twenty years of upholding my promise, I had broken my promise.
Tobi has always been like a porcelain doll, so pretty yet so easily broken. And hadn’t I spent all
our lives handling her with extreme care? I found solace in that Mlibo would be there, that he
knew to always guide her heart with a bubble wrap.
Mlibo…
I didn’t want to think about him. My heart wouldn’t take me thinking about him. As our flight was
taking off I couldn’t help but to. Would he also realise I was gone? Would he search for me? Tobi
would tell him of course, would he find relief or would it shatter him? I knew the answer of course,
he would be shattered. Like I hadn’t shattered him enough.
I would give anything to erase the look of his betrayed face as we stood in the hills of Katse. I did-
n’t want to dwell on his handsome face with his broken eyes as he watched me walk down the
aisle. I wanted to remember our treasured moments together. Like that last morning in Katse I
had woken up to find him starring down at me with such tenderness.
I had smiled up at him and asked, “What are you looking at?”
He had replied, “My whole world.”
That had been a lifetime in a passing moment. I had been his whole world and he was my whole
life.
I never wanted to relive that moment I had said goodbye to him, when I had chosen Tobi over
him. He had believed in us so much, believed in me. He never knew the bond I shared with Tobi.
He never knew how I had appointed myself guard of her heart all those years ago. How her cries
her wretched my heart and her lonely cries had spoken to my lonely cries. I had no one and she
had no one. I had been her someone and she had been mine. Where she was weak I had been
strong. Where I was naïve she had been experienced. We were each other’s shoulder to cry on.
Mlibo would never understand why I did what I did. He wasn’t there when we were doing our Ma-
tric and Tobi had fallen in love with a boy in our class. Every day after school they would sneak
off together and I always covered for her with the orphanage aunties telling them she was in a
study group. The boy had broken her virginity and two weeks later her heart. She had cried
ceaselessly for hours, my talking didn’t help and she continued to cry for a boy who had now
moved on to someone else in the class.

That night I held her and promised that the pain would get better and I thought I had finally gotten
through to her. I woke up moments later to find her gone, I found her lying in a pool of blood in
our bathroom having cut her wrists. For a moment I had thought she had died but she survived. I
felt like I had failed her, failed to see how deeply she had been wounded.

Our social worker had arranged counselling and she was fine after that. From that day I knew
Tobi couldn’t handle loss and betrayal. Mlibo didn’t understand because neither one of us had
ever told him about that incident. I also hadn’t told him when I had seen that same look in her
eyes when her baby died but luckily it had diminished when Mlibo had suggested they speed up
the wedding. No, Mlibo never knew. But I did, and that is why I had chosen Tobi over Mlibo with-
out hesitation…..
CHAPTER 21
4 YEARS LATER...
I have been here for four years and I can confidently tell you that who ever said time heals all
wounds was lying . What time does is help you to better manage the wound, to put a bandage on
it so it can bleed a little less. Time helps you to get accustomed to the pain, it helps to know when
to cry and when to put on a brave face. But healing? It simply never comes.
Four years later and I still hurt like I did when I walked away from the man I loved. My heart still
jumps when my phone rings hoping it was him yet knowing there was no way of him knowing my
new number. No there is never healing for the broken hearted.
I had turned to a master stalker in the time I had been here. Where before I didn’t care much for
social media now it’s all I do when I get home. Lucky for me Tobi was never one for privacy so
her account was pretty much public, unlike Mlibo who no matter how hard I searched found no
account of him anywhere.
So I stuck to one account that answered all my questions. Yes they were still together and happi-
ly married. After the wedding they had gone to a honeymoon in Seychelles. For a while Tobi won-
dered about me and had even posted a few statuses begging for me to contact her; begging for
anyone who had info on me to contact her. Three months later she had posted that she had just
received the best news ever.
I waited another four months to finally find out what the news were. She was pregnant, she an-
nounced this by posting pictures of her maternity shoot. I cried for three days straight after I saw
those pictures. They looked so happy together Mlibo's face as he looked at her growing belly was
the same look he used to give me. The tangible tenderness in the picture, the love radiated from
the still photo that it nearly choked me.
This is why I had left. This was the chance I wanted to give them, that they may find each other
again and get this part of their lives right, be a family. So why did it hurt so badly when I saw it.
Why did I feel betrayed by Mlibo? Why did I resent Tobi for having all I could ever want? But most
of all why did I doubt the love Mlibo had said so many times he had for me.
If he had loved me at all would he be looking this happy seven months after my departure? Was
what we had after all nothing but a fiancé’s last rebellion before committing to his true love? Was
it all just in my head, the love I had felt so many times in his arms?
It hurt so much to go through Tobi’s page, to see how beautiful their life was together. It hurt to
watch the man I love look so happy and content with another woman while I was out here barely
keeping it together. Here I was struggling to maintain the foundation that held my life together.
With each waking moment I learned to put one foot forward and move. I learned to block out eve-
rything for the day while I was at work, only to have the wall burst as soon as I walked through
the door to my apartment after a long day. I would make my way to bed and cry till I fell asleep
and each day was a repetition of the same routine. I was fast losing weight, my face gaunt and
permanent rings under my eyes. In those days I welcomed death. I had nothing to live for, to
hope for and to believe in.
His presence in my life was a God-send and with each day I spent with him I got better. My laugh
came easy and my smile a little less forced.
That is when Marcus swept into my life like a tornado, unwelcomed, relentless and determined to
sweep everything that stood in my wake. First he fed me, taking me to all the posh restaurants in
New Year to try all their fine cuisine. Then he took me to all the clubs he knew around town and
we downed shooters until sunrise. Then he listened to me while I poured out my life story to him
and he let me cry on his shoulder gently reminding me to go easy on the tears lest they ruined his
LV t-shirt.
Marcus was a receptionist at my office and a proud, unapologetic homosexual. He told me after listening to my story that the
first thing I needed to do was forgive myself and then accept it had happened and lastly to let go of the ghost that kept me in
the past. It was hard but slowly it happened, I accepted that Mlibo and I were over. My life had colour in it again where before
it was all black and white.

People would assume Marcus and me were a couple because by looking at him you wouldn’t think he was gay. But it was not a
fact he hid, everyone knew he was gay and everyone knew he was a man whore who refused to settle down. After a while it
became convenient for us to move in together, we were already spending all our time together and sleeping over at each oth-
er’s houses.

It was the best decision of my life. Marcus was always throwing a party at our place getting me to meet guys and for him too. I
could not bring myself to open up to anyone but I was in a good place and able to tease and flirt. Marcus did not push me and
said when the time was right it would happen. I spent a little less time stalking Tobi but every once in a while would check in.

Tobi had a baby girl that looked exactly like Mlibo and through the years I watched her grow to be such a cutie that looked
more and more like her father with each passing day.

After four years I was in a good place and as such the parties at our place became an occasional thing until they completely
stopped. Marcus settled down with Dwayne, a structural engineer who we fondly called Scofield because of his profes-
sion. They spent all their time together, initially they would invite me everywhere with them but as the relationship pro-
gressed I felt like a third wheel and would decline their invites. They didn’t insist.

Of course they never stopped trying to hook me up with single men of New York but I was never interested. My work was
enough for me. I didn’t think I would ever be ready for a relationship, but hey it was just four years I could still change my
mind.
Chapter 22
Marcus was out for the night with Dwayne and after a marathon of movies I found myself staring
at my phone screen. I looked at the time and it was 3am in the morning. It would be 9am in South
Africa. Before I could stop myself I dialled Tobi’s number hoping it hadn’t changed.
She picked up after three rings with a groggy, “Tobile speaking.”
“Hi Tobi,” I said with a shaky voice not knowing what to expect.
In true Tobi style she screamed and I had to move my phone away from my ear.
“Tee, is that you? Is it really you?” She was screaming and crying at the same time. I suddenly
realised how selfish I had been, how I didn’t think for a second of how my abrupt departure must
have hurt Tobi.
“Yes my darling it’s me” I simply replied.
“Where have you been? Well I know you are in New York but Tee why in the world would you
leave like that? Are you ok? Why couldn’t you let me know?” The tirade of questions was ex-
pected but what was the reply on my part?
“Oh Tobi a lot was happening, I couldn’t talk to you and ruin your joy leading up to your wedding.
I will tell you everything soon.”
“Ok, I will wait for when you are ready to talk. Oh Tee you have made me so happy. A lot has
happened since you left. I’m a mommy now.” She gushed.
I knew that of course but she didn’t know I knew so I pretended that I didn't.
“Oh wow Tobi that's the best news ever. Wow I've missed out on so much.” I replied feigning
shock.
“Yeah, you have. She replied. You want to see her?”
Of course I said yes though I’d already seen her a numerous times since she was a day old.
Thank you Facebook.
“Do you have a Skype account?” Tobi asked.
“Of course, I replied. Let me invite you, what’s your account name?”
After she gave it to me I immediately went to my laptop to open my Skype and invite her. Within
minutes we were connected and for a second neither one of us spoke as we took each other in.
Tobi was first to speak “You look really good Thule, New York agrees with you,” she said as tears
sprang into her eyes.
She of course looked radiant. She had gained weight but not much just enough to make her
cheeks fill out and accentuate her face, giving it a radiant glow that was never there before.
Clearly marriage life agreed with her.
"You look radiant Tobi, clearly motherhood agrees with you.” I said smiling back at her.
"Motherhood and marriage.” She said giving me a wink.
"Of course, I said. So where is my darling niece?”
“Darling niece and god daughter.” Tobi replied.
I was moved. Even after I had unceremoniously disappeared on her, I still meant enough for her
to name me godmother to her child.
My face must have revealed my thoughts coz she smiled and said, “If not you then who Thule.
And besides I can’t count the number of times you have rescued me and loved me and been my
strength Tee. I can trust that if something happens to me you will be there.”
She moved from the bed with her laptop to go show me her daughter. I was excited to finally
meet her, not just still pictures.
She went through a door to the outside and I heard her say, “Baby look who I found.”
The screen tilted and I came face to face with Mlibo.
For a moment the earth stood still and I was looking at the face of the one I loved the most on
this earth. His expression was both of shock, for a moment it registered joy and then it was stone
cold.
"Oh hey Thule, he said so nonchalantly. Like he wasn’t seeing me after 4 years. Like he hadn't
missed me. It was as if he hadn’t given me much thought since I left, like I hadn’t meant some-
thing to him.
"Hi Mlibo,” I replied. I’m not sure what expression I wore on my face or how I must have looked
staring at him at that moment. But I knew unlike him I couldn’t hide from my face what was in my
heart, what had always been in my heart from the very moment our worlds collided. I shifted my
eyes to look behind him to find Siya staring at me with my niece in his arms.
Tobi moved the screen from Mlibo towards my niece and she shifted position so she was also
looking at the screen.
"Tee meet your niece, Yolanda. Tobi said from the background. Look Yolanda it's your aunt Thu-
le, remember her from the pictures mommy always shows you?”
Yolanda stared at me with wonder and amazement and then she started waving excitedly "Hi
aunt Tee when are you coming back? Mom and I miss you.”
At that moment that little girl had my heart. I loved her as much as I loved her mom.
I waved back and said "Hi Yolanda, I miss you guys so much and I will be back pretty soon ok?”
"Will you be back for my birthday?” She asked so expectantly.
"And when is that?” I asked.
"It’s tomorrow Auntie, I’m turning three.”
“Well I can't make it tomorrow coz I'm so far away but I will be there for you next birthday ok.” I
felt bad for letting her down.
“Ok auntie, I love you.”
My heart couldn’t take it. I felt tears in my eyes.
“Love you too angel.” I replied.
Tobi smiled as Siya let Yolanda skip away from my vision.
She is such a busy bee, I can’t get her to sit still for a second.” Tobi said.
“Hi Siya,” I said. Looking at Siya who had not moved from Tobi’s side and hadn’t said anything
the whole time.
"Hi Thule, how’s New York? You look good. Found yourself any single guys over there? I didn’t
miss how he said the word single.
If Tobi wasn’t looking at me at that moment I would have flipped him but I forced a smile and
said, "New York is wonderful thank you Siya, I looked at Tobi and said, I must go Tobs it’s 3am
here and I haven't slept we will talk again when I wake up ok.”
“Oh no so soon? Fine then I will count the hours but also I need to get moving with planning the
party for tomorrow.” Tobi said.
"Enjoy!” I said as I switched off my laptop.
I stared into space for the longest time after, replaying the moment Mlibo saw me on the screen.
My heart constricted as I remembered his cold eyes and his nonchalant “Hi Thule.”
What did I expect really? That he would jump for joy at seeing me? That he would smile with his
eyes full of love as he looked back at me? Even a faked smile I would have taken than the cold
reception. He had moved on and had forgotten about me, about us I realised that now. I had
seen the pictures Tobi had posted and finally realised them as true. If only it had been that easy
for me to move on and forget him.
Easy to find someone else to build a life with. How many times had I been unable to get out of
bed because I missed him so much, couldn't face another day without him? In those first few
months how the only thing that got me through were the pictures of us in Katse I had saved on
my phone. How I'd look at them, seeing us so happy and so oblivious to our doomed future.
Those pictures got me through the first few months, first few years. That we had existed in our
love gave me the strength I needed. That he had once been mine gave me the power to pull
through. How minimal he made it all with his cold face, how cheap.
I didn’t hear Marcus come into my room, without knocking as usual.
“How did you get in? I asked. And what time is it?”
"Its 5:30 and I still have my keys remember,” he said jiggling his keys and taking a seat at the
edge of my bed.
"What are you doing at my place at five thirty in the morning? I said finally taking a good look at
him and realising he had his pyjamas on and a trench coat on.
"Dwayne and I had a fight, sometimes I really can't stand his tantrums. If he wants us to work he
seriously needs to grow up.
"Let me guess, he threw a fit because you were flirting with some guy at a club?” I have heard
this story so many times before.
"Right! I mean it’s not like I was asking for numbers or anything” Marcus said.
"Marcus don't get this twisted I’m on his side, you need to stop disrespecting Dwayne like that.
You are the one that needs to grow up. There are a lot of hot guys out there but you my friend
are in a committed relationship with Dwayne, so you need to start acting like it. This just flirting
business is disrespectful and if you are not careful you could lose Dwayne.
"Why must you be so darn right all the time? You really think I could lose Dwayne? He asked
sounding distressed.
"Yes Marcus keep this up and you could really lose him. I said solemnly. You don't want to go
through life with regrets and never being with the one person you truly love.”
"Oh darling we are no longer talking about me here are we?” he asked coming over to the bed
and hugging me.
“I saw him today,” I said my voice almost muffled by the hug.
He moved back and looked at me as shock registered on his face "Mlibo?" As if he needed to
confirm we were on the same wavelength. I nodded. He sat down next to my bed and held my
hand as if at any moment I would break.
"How, where?” his voice laced with confusion. I told him everything about the call.
“Oh honey come here,” he said as he enveloped me in his arms making me cry again. After a
while I pulled away from him still sniffling.
“I’m ok, really I am,” I said hating the look of pity on his face. I just need to sleep.
Marcus didn't move, “You need to talk and I’m here.”
“Can we talk in the morning please I haven’t slept a wink. And you need to go and make up with
Dwayne.” I stood up and dragged him out of my room.
“Please call me on my cell if you need me to come over,” he yelled before I slammed the door on
his face.
“Stop treating me like glass!” I yelled back.
I got in bed and tossed and turned replaying his face as I saw him. Oh Mlibo. Just before my
head hit the pillow that night I prayed. It was the first time in 4 years that I had prayed. There was
something synonymous to God about love. I had spoken to my sister, I had spoken to my niece
that day and moving forward would be doing it every day. Love was back in my life and it made it
easier to pray. To ask God to protect those that I loved. To preserve me until the next time we
saw each other. Yes God was love and once you lose Love in your life you also lost God.
I was just drifting off when Marcus came budging into my room again.
"Oh since you now an active Skype member, you might as well add me,” he said as he went over
to my pedestal where I had placed my laptop and promptly proceeded to open it and started
punching.
"Whatever Marcus,” I said turning to the other side and drifting off to sleep.
In my dreams I was interrupted by a faraway sound that didn’t want to shut up. I awoke and
looked around, my bedside clock told me it was 9am and the sound just kept going on and then I
realised it was coming from my laptop. I looked at it my mind still in a jumble. And the screen was
on my Skype page and there was an incoming call. Oh wow thanks a lot Marcus, logging off
would have killed you I suppose.
I was about to decline the call then I figured it must be Marcus checking up on me so I accepted.
I came face to face with the stone cold face of Mlibo...I rubbed my eyes thinking I was dreaming.
And I looked around to see if Marcus was also in the room that maybe he was the one who had
actually called Mlibo, but wait how would he know his handle? How did Mlibo know my handle? I
turned back to the screen to find him still staring straight at me.
"Mlibo,” I said.
“Thule,” he said in a voice so full of emotion.
"How did you get my handle?” I asked stalling.
“I stole it from Tobi, he said matter of factly, like it wasn't a big deal.
"Oh" I simply replied.
There was an awkward silence with Mlibo staring straight at me while I shifted my eyes every-
where on the screen except to look in his eyes, his face.
"Four years Thule, four years. He said in what was both a question and a statement. Had it been
four years? Seems like yesterday when I had walked away and if their child wasn't an evidence of
the years gone by I would have thought not many nights had passed since I last saw him. He still
looked the same, he still looked like mine. Except he wasn't.
"Been a good four years hasn't it,” I said sounding bitter.
"You look like it,” he said biting back.
"Thank you,” I said not finding any right words to say.
"Anyways I just wanted to say thank you Thule, for making the choice for me. It was the best
thing you could have done.”
“My pleasure, I said my heart breaking, though I knew it to be the right thing to do it didn’t make it
hurt any less and the years gone by had done nothing to abate the wallowing pain.
“Yes looking back at it now I realise how empty my life would have been with a woman like you.
Thank you martyr Thule, your unselfishness was my liberation.” He said before disappearing and
leaving me staring into a blank screen.
I will not cry I kept repeating in my head even as tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks
freely.
Chapter 23

After staring at the laptop screen to what seemed like hours, I finally went back to bed not ever
wanting to get out of it again.
A message beeped on my phone, it was Tobi "Got time to Skype?" It read. It was 4:30 in the af-
ternoon so that meant it was 22:30 in South Africa.
“Sure.” I replied. I got comfortable in bed and logged on to Skype. Tobi was in bed alone thankful-
ly.
“Hey, I said. Missed me already?”
“I have missed you for 4 long years. Mlibo has gone out so we can gossip all night.” Tobi replied.
“I thought you'd be too tired from the party preparation?” I asked.
“It was such a hectic day! But everything came together beautifully, we went to china mall to get
everything. Yolanda insisted on a Frozen themed party, so frozen it was.” Tobi seemed so excit-
ed about the party.
“Anyways enough about me or this party, now talk to me. Why did you leave like that? What was
so big you couldn't talk to me about and your solution was running all the way there?” Tobi asked
looking straight at me.
I couldn't tell her the truth of course but I needed to make up something really quickly.
“It was a man.” I started. Technically I wasn’t lying, she just didn't know it was her man!
I continued, “I fell in love Tobi, really hard and I thought we had something special, I wanted to
tell you about it but the timing was always off. We were planning your wedding and it just never
seemed to fit in.”
“That’s always what you do Thule, you always stand in the shadows and think nobody cares or
wants to see you. I don't care what was happening, I would have loved to know about it. If it’s im-
portant to you it’s important to me.” Tobi sounded hurt.
“I’m sorry,” I simply said.
"So what did he do?” came the dreaded question.
“Well it turned out he was married.” I said not bothering to look at her.
“Oh no Thule. Wow I can understand what a mess that must have been for you. Your first love
and to have it end like that.”
“Well,” I said
“It didn't end!? She half screeched in what was both shock and amazement and a bit of oh I didn’t
know you could be that bad look.
“I tried to end it but I was in too deep, there was no staying away. The more I ran the more I
seemed to be running straight into his arms. It was an impossible situation Tobi. And then his
wife found out and it got worse. I had to run.” Funny how my lies and half-truths were making
sense even for me.
“Wow oh wow. That is so hectic Thule but I can see now how you thought running was your only
way out.” Replied Tobi sympathetically.
“Yes especially since we were working together.” I continued to stretch my lie.
“You couldn’t leave the company instead of the country?” Tobi asked.
“I hadn’t finished a year at the company Tobs it wouldn’t look good on my resume and besides
this was a great opportunity for me. I have gained vast experience and I couldn't tell you the num-
ber of offers that land on my desk.” I sounded defensive.
“I'm so proud of you,” she said beaming.
“Proud of you too doc,” I said.
“Be prouder still, Mlibo and I have opened our own practise since last year. Tobi said. We have
come a long way from the poor rug rats of Tembisa orphanage huh?”
“I know and you are a wife and a mom!”
“Wouldn't trade it for anything, though it was touch and go at the beginning of our marriage. I did-
n't think we would make it Thule.” Tobi’s voice changing.
“What do you mean?” I asked surprised.
“Mlibo was a mess, to this day I have no idea what had happened to him. He started drinking
heavily on our honeymoon and it got worse when we came back. He missed work, he didn’t want
to get out of bed! We had just gotten married and he just slipped into a depression. You were not
here, if it wasn’t for Siya I don’t know what I would have done.”
My face heat up and I was filled with such shame and felt so bad for Tobi who unknowingly be-
came a casualty in the failed love affair between Mlibo and I.
“I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone Tobi.” I simply said.
She nodded, “If it wasn't for Yolanda coming along I doubt Mlibo and I would have made it. After I
found out I was pregnant, I don't know how I managed that in the few sloppy times we did man-
age to have sex! Mlibo did a turnabout and completely changed and became the man I knew.
Sometimes I wonder if the marriage is wholly based on wanting to give Yolanda the best or if it’s
based on love.”
“He loves you Tobi,” I said.
“Oh I'm past wanting a movie type of love, we have something good here Tee. We have a home.
If not love then tolerance and I’ll take it any day.” Tobi said.
“I’d give anything to have what you have.” I said realising no truer words were ever spoken.
“Tee your time will come. Maybe you will be lucky and have that dance in the rain love that we all
want,” she replied.
“I don’t like getting wet,” I said to which we both laughed.
“I've missed this so much Tee. Promise me you won't disappear again.” she said.
“Never ever again,” I replied.
We said our goodbyes and logged off.
Going over our conversation my heart broke for Mlibo who hadn't known how to deal with our
breakup and my subsequent departure. But all had ended well .He had a family now. He had To-
bi.
It gnawed at me knowing Tobi could feel Mibo's heart was not hers. But from what Mlibo had said
it was hers. Maybe she was clouded in her thinking. Or maybe she had just confirmed what I had
hoped for, that despite distance and time Mlibo has always and will always be mine.
But what did it matter, life had happened and we had all moved on. Or had we? For me, my heart
has always remained in South Africa in the arid hills of Katse.
Tobi and I were endlessly on Skype, with Yolanda never missing out on the action. It was difficult
at first with the different time zones but we got around it and once we started it was like we never
stopped. She would tell me about her day and I would tell her about mine. When we wanted to
gossip about adult stuff we spelt out names so Yolanda wouldn’t catch on. That girl had my heart
and apparently I had hers. She put my figure on the drawings of her family.
I told Tobi everything about my life, she couldn't believe I was still single. I told her I believed my
soul mate was in South Africa.
"Do you think maybe its Ntiliso? Making me think of my first kiss guy.
We laughed.
“Imagine that, all that drama when I could have stuck to one guy. My ride or die. I said laughing.
“Do you think he made it out of Tembisa?” Tobi asked
“I doubt it, I replied. He was way too comfortable there unlike you and I.”
We continued to chat until she had to put down Yolanda. We said our goodbyes. I was in a good
space. I was happy.
Chapter 24

Tobi went out with her friends the following Saturday so there was no skyping. I contemplated
joining Marcus at the club too but my new book won that battle. At 8 in the evening while curled
up in bed engrossed in my book my phone beeped a new message. I nearly dropped it when I
saw a message from Mlibo. It was short and direct.
“Skype now.”
My heart plummeted as I switched on my laptop and logged in. What could be the problem?
His face appeared on the screen. He appeared to be sitting in the couch where Tobi has called
me from numerous times.
“Mlibo, is everything alright. Is Tobi ok?” I said looking behind him.
“She’s not here if that's what you mean. Night shift at the hospital,” his replied.
“Oh” I breathed a little easier.
We just stared at one another I could see his eyes are red and a bit unfocused.
“Have you been drinking,” I asked.
“Yes Thule I have, is that a problem too?” He replied.
“No I just know you wouldn't be calling me if you were sober,” I reply curtly.
“Oh I see, are you calling me a coward? Last I checked you were the one who ran Thule all the
way over there.” He said pointing towards me.
“You know why I did Mlibo,” I said.
“Oh yes for Tobi right, everything is always for Tobi.” I sensed something in his voice. Did he re-
sent Tobi for losing me?
“Mlibo,” I tried again but he cut me.
“Thule have you ever disliked someone you loved?” He asked.
And there it was.
“Mlibo don't,” I didn’t want to hear what I feared.
“Don't what? Don't tell the truth? You don't want to hear what your actions had led to. Well here I
am Thule in this marriage you wanted! Am I happy Thule? Is Tobi happy? Are you happy?” Mlibo
was now yelling.
“Stop yelling at me,” I said, hoping to get him to lower his voice.
“I’m not yelling. I just want to know, did your grand plan work coz we are drowning over here! It
kills me everyday seeing how unhappy I make her and I try everyday to be what she wants, what
she deserves. But what am I left to give her when I gave our my heart to you? He continued to
yell undeterred.
“What is your obsession with Tobi anyways? Do you think she would ever sacrifice her life for you
the way you sacrificed yours, ours ,for her!”
At this point I was crying. Everything he was saying was ringing true. I had made this. Was I hap-
py? There isn't a single day I could point to and say I had been happy, yes I had Marcus and
Dwayne and I had my work but they would never measure up to the happiness I had felt in his
arms.
“And you know what's funny? Four years Thule, I think by now Tobi would have forgiven you and
she would be with someone who truly loves her who doesn't look at her and feel like she cost him
his happiness, his one shot at love. And you and I, we would be you and I, together. Four years
Thule and here we are,” he said throwing his hands up in the air.
I was openly crying wanting to reach out and take his hand and make him feel better, to take
away his pain. What he didn't realise was, four years would be a very long time to live with the
guilt of killing someone you loved. Had things gone the way he wanted, Tobi wouldn't be here to-
day.
“For what its worth I still love you Thule, there are days I hate you very much but I love you.” He
said with resignation.
I wanted to tell him I loved him too, that not a single day had passed without me loving him but I
couldn't. After four years and Yolanda in the mix, it sounded wrong. Even in my own head.
“You didn't answer my question Thule,” he was looking intently at me.
“Which one is that?” I sniffed.
“Are you happy? Did you find a man that you could love like you loved me, a man that loves you
back like I loved you?” He replied looking expectedly at me.
And right on cue Marcus came badging through my room without knocking, bare chest holding
up two t-shirts. “Black or white?" He asked.
I looked at him and then back at Mlibo who was sizing him up and said “I see, I guess that an-
swers my question,” and the screen went blank.
I looked daggers at Marcus and he looked at me confused. “What?” He asked.
“I was skyping with Mlibo,” I replied.
“What? He said. Wait he doesn't know about me does he?”
“No he doesn't,” I said.
“Call him back and tell him I'm your roommate, he said. Wait are you crying?”
I broke down and told him about my conversation with Mlibo.
He held me while I cried. After a while I asked him to leave so I could gather my thoughts. I want-
ed to call Mlibo back and tell him that Marcus was just my friend but what was the point? Why
was it important that he knew? I left because I wanted to give them a chance, for him to move
forward with Tobi. Clearly that didn't work. So what now? I remembered what Tobi said about liv-
ing without love. Have my actions condemned her to a loveless life? If she had a choice what
would she have chosen?
But Tobi loved Mlibo, she wanted him. It was he who didn't love her like she loved him. He didn’t
love her like he loved me. There was also Yolanda involved now. They had a good marriage, it
would work. I prayed it worked because all this pain would have been in vain. My sacrifices. First
for Tobi then for Yolanda. But why did I want Mlibo to know I still loved him too, that he still
owned my heart and always will?
Chapter 25

The week went by with no more communication from Mlibo. I guess he was sober during the
week and had no desire to confront me. Tobi and I resumed our calls, with Yolanda ever pre-
sent. I would glimpse Mlibo on the background when they called but he never said hi or sat
down on our conversation. Which was good, it would have been very awkward talking to him
with Tobi there especially since our last talk didn't go so well.
Saturday started like any other weekend, nothing to warn or prepare me for what was to come.
The sun was up, maybe if there had been clouds I would have suspected something but the
weather was beautiful. I even took a morning run.
I came back and checked all my messages and emails then sat down to do some work I had
come home with on Friday.
I sent Tobi a message once I was done to skype with her but she didn't respond. An hour later,
Mlibo called me but I didn't pick up. I wasn't in the mood for another showdown with him. I was in
the kitchen when I heard my phone ring, I missed the call deciding that whoever it was would
call back and if it wasn't Mlibo I'd call them back. It rang again as I entered my room. It was Tobi,
I picked up.
“Hey you, been trying to get hold of you all day.” I said upon answering.
“Can you Skype?” she said, he voice sounding strained.
“Of course let me get comfortable. I said. Were you at work today?” I continued to ask but she
had already dropped the call.
I sat cross legged in the middle of my bed and turned on my laptop, logging into Skype.
I was welcomed by the face of a crying Tobi, her eyes were red and puffed and she had tears
running down her face. I immediately moved towards the screen like I could reach out and touch
her.
“Tobi what's wrong, why are you crying?” I asked almost yelling.
At first she didn't answer as she was sniffling and heaving.
“I record all my calls.” she said between sobs.
“Ok.” I said not understanding.
We were silent as she composed herself and blew her nose.
“He called you from my laptop! "she yelled. And with those words my world shifted completely
out of its axis.
“Tobi” I tried to say but it was my lips that moved ,my voice was gone. How was this happening?
How in the world was this happening, hadn't I moved to avoid this? Didn't I give up everything to
avoid this, how was it happening now? I blinked, hoping and wishing the whole thing would dis-
appear from my eyes. Tobi’s shattered look to disappear from in front of me.
“Thule why would you do this to me, to me Thule? She was screaming.
I have never been ashamed of my love for Mlibo. Guilty about it yes, felt bad about it? Sure. But
never shame. But looking at Tobi now, I was ashamed that I had fallen in love with Mlibo.
“Tobi its not that simple please let me explain it to you.”
“Not simple? Not simple? Did you not have an affair with my husband?” she screamed again.
“Not husband no” I replied.
“Oh and that makes it better? fiancé then, were you not screwing my fiancé Thule?” Tobi yelled at
me.
“Yes but,” I tried to say.
“Why, she asked. I don't understand it. I thought you loved me, had my back. Why would you of
all people do this to me. You were all I had in this world. You were my sister.”
“I still am, Tobi I made a mistake and as soon as realised it I left, I left Tobi.” I was now also cry-
ing and yelling hoping to make her understand.
“Realized it? When did you realize it Thule, after screwing him how many times? How many
times Thule?”
I didn't have an answer.
“You lost count? Was it that many times? Of course it was, enough for him to fall in love with you.
To always love you. Oh my God. He loves you Thule. You my sister, you are what is wrong in my
marriage, why my husband could never love me!” She was starting to hyperventilate.
“Tobi please calm down, please calm down.” I said to her hoping she would stop yelling and actu-
ally listen to me.
“Don’t you dare Thule, don’t you ever tell me what to do.” She screamed at me.
“Where is Yolanda?” I was worried she would wake her up.
“You don't ever say my child’s name again, you don't deserve to say her name ever!” She replied.
I immediately went quiet.
“At my wedding that’s why you were crying, not because you were happy but because your heart
was breaking. It was breaking because he chose me and not you. And then you left without say-
ing goodbye because you couldn’t bear to see me happy with him.” She had stopped yelling and
she was calmer as if everything was just dawning on her.
“Your happiness was all that mattered to me Tobi.” I said. I didn’t care to explain that Mlibo hadn’t
chosen her, that it was I who actually chose her.
“And yet you slept with my man. Wow that makes me so happy Thule.” She said sarcastically.
“Tobi can I,” I tried to say.
“No, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear your lies and your justification. Nothing you say
will ever fix this. He loves you, she said sitting on the sofa behind her and speaking really softly.
He loves you, that it why he is absent in our marriage. There is no other woman, there is just you.
My sister, my own sister.
Then she looked up at me. I told you everything about us, were you happy that we were so un-
happy?”
“Tobi no, it killed me” I tried again.
“Oh Thule how could you do this to me? There is no coming back from this for us.” She said as
she cried in her hands.
“Tobi I chose you, I chose you. Over him,over me and over everything else I chose you. She was
silent so I went on. You don't know how your unhappiness killed me. If I could take it back I could,
I would give up my life to erase it. But I cant,
I couldn't. So I left.”
“How could you do this to me?” she kept saying over and over and again.
How could I do it? I fell in love that's all the answer I had. Love I couldn't escape no matter how I
tried. And how I had tried.
I was still staring at her from my screen when Mlibo walked in from the door behind her. He came
crashing in as if he was chased by an army.
“Baby, Tobi” he said as he walked in.
He saw the laptop on the table and looked directly at me. He must have seen my stricken
face because for a second there I saw how vulnerable he was. How at that moment he was hop-
ing I was next to him as our world was crumbling all around us.
Tobi stood up and looked at him.
“I loved you Mlibo. I loved you like the sun rose and set on your face. Now I know why you could
never love me. All your love, your very heart was reserved for her.” She said pointing at me.
“That’s not true,Mlibo replied. I love you.”
“Not like you love her. She has your heart,” she said her voice with finality and disappeared from
the screen.
It was quiet for a while but I knew Mlibo was there in the room but neither one of us dared to say
a word.
Moments later Tobi reappeared carrying a bag and Yolanda on her hip. Mlibo started towards her
and she gave him a murderous look that stopped him in his tracks.
“Tobi please, I tried. I didn't know, please believe me.”
She looked over at me from the laptop. “Didn't know what? That he was my fiancé?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“But I introduced you to him,how could you not have known?” she asked incredulously clearly not
buying my version of events.
“That was after, ”Mlibo and I said in unison.
She looked over at him then at me. “After what?”
“After we had met, "I said.
“Oh so guys met and fell in love?” She asked.
We didn't reply.
“So after you found out that he was my fiancé, did you stop?” Her question was directed at me.
I hung my head in shame.
“I didn't think so,” she said as she walked towards the door.
Mlibo tried again. “Baby please lets talk about this, there is no need for you to leave in the night
with a baby please.”
Tobi didn’t reply, she didn't even turn around to acknowledge him. Yolanda had woken up and
was looking about in a confused stupor when Tobi closed the door.
“Mlibo please go after her. Please don’t let her leave like that, please.” I screamed at him.
Mlibo looked at me and asked “Are you ok?”
“Yes I’m fine, just go after her please.”
He nodded and left. I sat there staring at the closed door waiting for them to walk-in together.
They didn't. I was anxious, scared and fidgeting. Finally Mlibo walked through the door, alone.
“Where are they?” I screamed from the small screen.
He looked over at me and said,” I couldn't make her stay.”
“They will be alright, right?” I asked him.
Mlibo sat down on the sofa facing the screen . He must not have heard me as he buried his head
in his hands.
“Mlibo ”I tried again, he looked up.
“They will be alright, right?” I repeated my question.
“Yes, she said she was going to a hotel. They will be alright. I'll ask Siya to check up on them.”
He said as he took out his phone and I assume texted Siya.
When he was done he looked at me again.
“How did she find out, did you tell her?”
“No, she records her skype calls, "I simply said.
His face registered shock finally dawning on him how much Tobi knew and how grievous the sit-
uation was.
“I was at work when she called me screaming. All I could hear was you slept with my sister, and I
rushed home.”
“I have to go,” I said.
“Wait, "he said.
I shut down my laptop.
Chapter 26

The adrenaline rush came crashing down. My hands started shaking, my whole body started to
shake. Of all things to happen the one thing I had sacrificed my whole life for wasn't suppose to
happen. I had uprooted my life. Came to a foreign country with no friends or family. I hadn’t spo-
ken my home language in four years except in my head. But all that was for nothing because in
the end Tobi found out.
In my heart I knew, she would never forgive me. She was going to cut me out of her life. And that
was the worst for me. Because even though I had gone four years without her that was on me, on
my terms. At any time during that time I could have called her and she would have answered.
This time there was no option to call. I knew she would never talk to me again.
What of Mlibo? Would she ever forgive him? I think so, I think for her family's sake she would. Not
right away but in the end I think she would let him back in.
Now that everything was out in the open, now that Tobi knew what would Mlibo do? He was al-
ways the one who insisted on telling her, so we could be together. Would he came after me now,
did I want him to? Suddenly I was scared, I was so scared I started shaking again. What if my ap-
peal to Mlibo was always that I was the proverbial forbidden fruit. Now that he was free to actually
eat the fruit, he wouldn’t want to. That in the end he wouldn’t come for me. That I had lost my only
family for a fire built of paper. So bright but only for a few seconds before it went out. Leaving be-
hind nothing but soot and ash that needed to be swept up and thrown into the trash.
I picked up my phone from the pedestal and called Marcus. He didn't pick up. I called again, he
picked up on the third ring he sounded sleepy.
“Marcus,” I said starting to cry again.
“Hey are you crying?” he asked, his voice full of concern.
“She knows,” I sniffed.
“Who knows what?” he asked
“Tobi,” I replied.
“Oh shit,I'll be right over. "His line went dead.
I sat in the dark willing my mind to work,it was numb. Everything was blank and a few minutes lat-
er when Marcus came through the door,the flood gates opened up and I started crying as he held
me. And for the longest time we sat in my bed while I cried my whole heart out and Marcus held
me.
When I was all cried out he gave me tissues that sat by my pedestal. I wiped my nose and dried
my face.
He looked at me like someone close to me had died. And I guess that was exactly what had hap-
pened.
“How did she find out?” he asked.
“Mlibo called me with her Skype account. And it turns out she records her calls.” I replied
“Oh my,so she heard everything.” I nodded.
“Oh darling I'm so sorry.” Marcus said holding me again.
“Marcus it was bad, it was so bad, she will never speak to me again I know it.” I cried.
“Just give her time to calm down. And maybe write an email to her explaining everything. Tell her
how for her own happiness you sacrificed yours.” Marcus said already snatching up my laptop.
“All that doesn't matter to her Marcus, she doesn't understand how I continued with Mlibo after I
found out he was her fiancée,” I said pushing the laptop away.
“Hey we didn't say you were an angel and we didn’t say you weren't a slut. He said and I wouldn't
help but smile. But what is important is in the end you chose her. And that should count for some-
thing. That makes you an angel in my books.”
I looked at this man in my bed and thanked God I had found him when I did. I don't know how I
could have gotten through the last four years without him. From the onset he had seen how bro-
ken I was and had been so fiercely protective of me even before he knew my story. And when I
did tell him my story, he had listened without judgement and had simply held me as I cried out my
sad life story. Even now I was starting to feel better because he was here with me.
“Can I write that email in the morning? I asked. And you can check it for me.”
“Sure honey.” Marcus replied immediately.
“Marcus please stay with me tonight, I can't be alone.” I asked hoping he would say yes.
“I'd already told Dwayne I was sleeping over." He said. This man was a godsend.
After changing into pyjamas we got into bed and for a while I listened to Marcus snoring because
I couldn't sleep. In the end I drifted off too out of sheer exhaustion. I was woken up by ringing in
my ears. My cell was ringing. I looked at the caller Id,it was Mlibo calling. I picked up.
“Thule, there was an accident. You need to come home.” Mlibo said crying into the phone.
I thought I could everything life had thrown at me. Never once was defeat an option. Never once
would I let this life get the better of me. But in the end at that moment I was finally defeated. All
life was sucked out of me, all strength and resilience. I had nothing left. From the sound of his
voice I knew the worst had happened. I knew, I just knew it.
Chapter 27

“Is she dead, Mlibo is my sister dead?” I was screaming into my phone. Waking up Marcus.
“You need to come home Thule, we are at the Morningside hospital,” and with that he dropped
the phone.
I dropped the phone to the floor and screamed. “Marcus she is dead I know she is.”
“Did he say that? T what did he say?” Marcus who was instantly awoke and holding me.
“He said something had happened and I need to come home,” I replied crying into his arms.
“But honey that doesn't say she is dead,” Marcus said trying to console me.
“Marcus you don't understand Tobi is weak, when life gets too hard she always. She gives in,
she.” I couldn’t finish the sentence, unable to say it.My mind was in jumbles, the only thing going
through my head was that Tobi was dead. The image of her all those years ago lying in a pool of
her own blood kept replaying in my head. I killed her, this was all on me.
I knew what it would do to her if she were to find out. Did that stop me? No. Selfish, was what I
was. So selfish. What did I hope for, that she would never find out? That in our own little concoon
Mlibo and I were invincible? Well yes, that’s why I came here, why I left. But like our opharnage
mother would say, nothing ever stays hidden forever, even the secrets we buried deep almost
always come to the surface.
I never should have made that call to Tobi, never should have reached out to her again. She was
happy, she had a happy family and I came and ruined it. What kind of a person was I? What kind
of a friend, sister did the things I did to her?
I’ve often wondered what kept me going back to Mlibo no matter how guilty and shitty I felt after-
wards. I think it was how he held me after we made love. Held me as if he would never let me go,
held me as if we hadn’t just betrayed the woman we both claimed to love.
He held me as if we hadn’t just desecrated the unwritten vows between best friends, between
fiancés.
From the start Mlibo had always made me feel like I belonged in his arms, belonged to him. That
somehow in the whirlwind storm that was our love, one thing remained true and unmoved, I be-
longed to him and he belonged to me. That single truth was the calm in our turbulent romance, it
was what kept us together. He was my serenity and my courage in all the chaos.
But look what all of that love had done. Look at it now. So vile, so poisonous and destroying eve-
rything in it’s wake.
Marcus walked over to my wardrobe and pulled out my suitcase and started throwing clothes in. I
was so grateful for him again at that moment because there was no way I could have been able
to do it at all. He looked at me and said, “Please gather up everything you are going to need, I
will go pack my stuff and say my goodbyes to Dwayne.”
“Marcus no, you are not coming with me. I cried. I’ve already taken so much from you I can’t al-
low you to do this with me. This is something I need to do on my own. I held his hand so he could
see how grateful I was for all he had done for me. There was no way I was going to allow him to
be part of the circus that my life had become.
“Are you sure, you know I don’t mind at all.” He said looking at me like I would break. Except I
wouldn’t, breaking has never been an option for me. I have always been strong, there was no
place in the world for me to crawl into and wallow. If I allowed myself to wallow even for a second
I was afraid I would never be able to stand up again.
“I will be fine Marcus I promise and if I’m not I can always call you right. Besides you don’t even
have a visa this is not like going to New Jersey or something.” I replied.
“Oh yes, I forget how hard they have made it for us to go back to the motherland.” At that we
both laughed though the laughter sounded forced.
After dressing in a trench coat and a pair of jeans Marcus drove me to the airport. Lucky enough
I got a flight that would connect once, making my flight a reasonable 24 hours.
I sat at the boarding lounge afraid to call Mlibo or Siya. Afraid to logon to social media in case I
saw condolences messages flowing in.
I sat staring into space until boarding was announced and made my way to the boarding gate.
Dreading each step and each step felt like a step towards hell, all fiery and consuming.
After a long 24hours we finally landed at OR Tambo International Airport. A memory came to
mind as I made my way to the luggage pick up. I remembered the first time I came to Johannes-
burg, I was so excited the last time I landed at this airport. My head so full of dreams and hopes
for the future. So excited to see Tobi again and start the rest of our lives together.
How was I ever to know how dreadful a future was before us, how utterly horrific.
This time landing at this airport I was so disillusioned, feelings of guilt and dread plagued me. I
prayed hard that Tobi was ok. Lord please make her ok. Even if she never spoke to me again but
please let her be alive.
I took a cab to Morningside hospital. The cab left me standing at the drop off zone and I stood
there with my heart plummeting and my whole body shaking.
I knew I had to go in but I just could not and so I stood there with my bag at my feet and my
purse in my hands and watched as people streamed in and out of the door I could not bring my-
self to enter.
Chapter 28
After a while on shaky legs I entered the automated doors and immediately the antiseptic smell of
hospitals hit me. I made my way to the reception. I found a lady sitting behind a desk and I willed
my voice to come to play.
“Hello, I'm here to see Tobile Mbete.” I said.
She smiled at me and said, “Ok, let me check what ward she is in. She proceeded to punch on
the computer in front of her. Sorry you said Tobile Mbete right?” she asked.
“Yes, that’s right.” I replied my eyes never leaving her face.
“Did she say she was here? We don’t have a patient by that name here.” She asked cranking her
face at me.
“Please check if she was discharged or if she maybe, err, didn’t make it.” The last words sounded
as if they were being said by someone else.
“It would say if she was a patient here but her name does not come up at all.” She replied.
“Oh.” I said, relieved that it didn’t mean she was dead.
I reached for my cellphone to try and call Mlibo when I suddenly remembered, turning to the lady
I said, “Please check for Tobile Mboyane.”
She punched again and smiled up at me and said, “Oh yes, it says here she is in ICU. Down the
passage, at the elevators take the elevator to the second floor then take a left it’s right ahead.”
“Thank you,” I said as I made my way to the elevators. On the second floor I took a left and in a
small waiting room outside the doors with the huge ICU words, there sat Siya.
“Hi Siya,” I said. He looked up from his phone and I immediately noticed how red his eyes were.
“Thule,” he said trying to smile at me as he stood to give me a hug. I returned it. If he was hug-
ging me did that mean he didn’t know how all this was my fault?
“When did you get in town?” He said as he offered me a seat that I gratefully took waiting for the
pin to drop. He sat on the chair in front of mine.
“Just now, took a cab from the airport. Siya how is she?” I immediately went in for the kill.
“It’s bad Tee, I'm not going to lie to you chances are 50/50. She is in an induced coma. The doc-
tors operated on her last night. They were at it for five hours trying to stop the bleeding in her
brain.” Siya replied not pulling any punches.
“Oh my God. I said as tears streamed down my face. Siya the fact that she is still breathing is a
good sign right?” I asked.
“Her brain is swollen so what damage there is can only be determined once the swelling goes
down. Thule, she is so unrecognisable in the bed.”
I could see Siya was holding back tears.
He continued. “Thule, Yolanda didn’t make it.”
“I wasn’t expecting to see her, children aren’t allowed in hospitals. I said reaching for tissues in
my purse that was lying at my feet, silence from Siya made me look up without finding the tis-
sues. The look in his face turned my world upside down as I digested what he had just said.
“Siya no please no no!” I cried as I tried to quiet the scream that was escaping my throat. Siya
rushed over to my chair to hold me as I half cried and half screamed.
Not Yolanda, not Yolanda.
“She was in the car with her. She must have forgotten to strap her into her seat. She died on im-
pact. There was no pain.” Siya said it quietly and I could imagine the pain it caused him to say
the words out loud.
There was no pain, the words kept repeating in my head. I willed them to make it better, the fact
that she had felt no pain was supposed to make it better but it didn’t. Rather she was in pain and
here than no pain and gone. Oh Yolanda, I would never meet her. How we had both looked for-
ward to the day we would hold each other’s hands.
I would never hold her hand, instead what I will take to the grave was the guilt of killing her. She
didn’t deserve this, she didn’t deserve to be a victim of all of this. I sat there dumbstruck as Siya
held me. Collateral damage was what that little girl had become. How my heart broke and my
soul raged against what my mind could not comprehend.
After a while when I had quieted down I asked, “Can I see her, can I see Tobi?”
He looked at his wrist watch and said, “ In ten minutes. They only allow family so I had to say I'm
her brother. They allow one person at a time. Mlibo hasn’t left her side.”
Mlibo. I didn’t want to think about him. I wouldn’t bear it.
We sat there waiting out the ten minutes that felt like ten hours. The door to the ICU opened and
I looked up as Mlibo walked out and stop as he saw me sitting on the chair facing the door. He
looked old and haggard his eyes red like Siya’s and I guess mine too. And he looked so alone
and I could imagine the guilt that was eating away at his soul at that very moment. The same
guilt that was gnawing at mine.
I wanted to rush and hug him in the spirit of camaraderie, he and I caused this. I wanted to go
and hug him to let him to we shared the burden. In the same breath I wanted to lash out and hit
him for being responsible for all of this.
I couldn’t help but avert my eyes to Siya saying, “Can we go in, please”. I pretended to not have
seen Mlibo and he must have understood because he stood on the side and let us pass.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw, I knew it was serious for Tobi to land in ICU but
I guess in my mind I thought internal injuries.
What I saw how ever was an unrecognisable version of the woman I knew. Her face swollen,
black and blue and there wires and pipes all over her face. At the sight of her my knees buckled
and I couldn’t get up. Siya who was standing next to me caught me before I fell, I held on to Siya
until I was steady on my feet. I made my way over to her bed. I held her hand that also had wires
in it.
“She’s lucky to be alive,” Siya said. Looking at her I knew it to be true.
“Siya do you mind if I have a minute with her please.” I asked.
“Ok sure I will be outside,” Siya said and made his way out of the door.
I half expected her to wake up but she didn’t, all I could hope for was that in her subconscious
mind she heard me. That she would forgive me. I held on to her hands a few minutes more then
left her room and made my way to the waiting room.
I held her hand. “Tobile, please come back to me. Words alone can never express how sorry I
am for what I did. So please give me a chance to prove to you how important you are to me, how
I would give the world to you if I could. I know it doesn’t look that way but in the end I chose you
my darling beautiful sister. Forgive me, all I ever wanted was to make you happy and be your an-
gel on earth but in the end I found I was just human after all. Forgive me Tobi and come back to
us, we need you, your husband needs you.”
Chapter 29

I left Tobi and went out, I found Siya and Mlibo sited and each in their own thoughts.
“You can go in Siya.” I said. Siya stood up and hurried off to Tobi. I sat on the chair opposite
Mlibo.
“How bad is she really?" I asked him.
He looked up to me and for a while held my eyes and said nothing. I wondered what he saw as
his eyes roamed all over my face, was he wondering if it was all worth the pain we were all in
right now? Was he blaming me, hating me?
“She is still critical, at this moment anything might happen. She has extensive head injuries, for a
minute or two there was no oxygen going to her brain. The doctors stopped the bleeding in her
brain. She lost a lot of blood while waiting for the paramedics. She could have brain damage but
we will only know for sure when she wakes up,if she wakes up.”
“Stop please,” I said as I started crying. It really was a miracle to have her alive right now. Mlibo
didn’t sound hopeful. Siya hadn’t looked hopeful. Was there hope? Did I come here to bury my
niece and sister?
My body started shaking as I cried uncontrollably. Mlibo rushed over to sit next to me and took
me in his arms.
When I registered what he had done I snapped.
I struggled out of his embrace, “Stop Mlibo, just stop! Stop it, haven’t you done enough? This in-
herent need of yours to always hold me has cost of us so much. Where is Yolanda? Your wife
lies dying and all you want to do is hold me?
Have you no shame. Does it not resonate with you the magnitude of your actions?
Had you left me alone we wouldn’t be sitting here right now with everything around us falling
apart. Why couldn’t you just let me go and left me alone! Just leave me alone Mlibo, leave me
alone. You are poison in my life, you have destroyed everything I have loved. You made me a
refugee in a foreign country because you just couldn’t leave me alone. I never even got to hold
Yolanda because of you. You have taken everything from me, and you sit there wanting to hold
me. When does it stop?” I was breathing heavily with tears streaming down my face.
Lashing out at the one person who didn’t deserve it. In that moment I didn’t care. I needed some-
one to blame and he was sitting next to me. What I was saying was not fair but I didn’t care.
“ I told you to stop yet you kept pushing knowing I could not resist you. I continued my voice low-
ered strength leaving my body.
“How could I have resisted your love, me an orphan who had never experienced what it was to
be loved? And you pounced on that like a hungry wolf. Didn’t I tell you to stop, for us to stop but
you kept coming and I was too powerless to stop you, to say no. We betrayed the one person
that mattered the most to me. But you didn’t care, you were getting what you wanted. What did it
matter that we lied to Tobi every day? What did it matter that the one person I loved I could bare-
ly look in the eyes Mlibo. It didn’t matter to you as you dragged me to Katse to make sure I could
never escape you, escape us. But I escaped didn’t I? When you could have gladly made me your
mistress. What did it matter that I lost touch with my sister, that I wasn’t there to plan her baby
shower and be there for her as she embarked on a new journey of motherhood.
And when I finally reconnected with her what did you do Mlibo? Oh yes you came in again and
now Yolanda is dead and my sister lies in there dying. But that doesn’t matter to you, where do
you even get off trying to hold me. Shouldn’t our very touch burn, for what we did? Mlibo what
have we done. Yolanda is dead, she is dead!”
Mlibo made no reply as I lashed out at him and continued to hold me. When my strength was
gone and I could barely speak he stood up and left.
A few minute later Siya came to sit next to me. “She’s still not responding to me” he said. I simply
nodded.
“Where is Mlibo? he asked.
“I have no idea,” I said as I reached for my phone.
After a long silent Siya turned to me and said, “Why did you leave like that Tee?”
I sat in silence.
I turned to him and said, “I love my sister Siya.”
“Yes , the truth would have crashed her, thank you.” Siya said.
I looked ahead without reply. In the end the truth did crash her, both literally and figuratively. In
the end my leaving was inconsequential.
“You got in this morning? Siya asked looking at the bag at my feet. I nodded.“Where are you
staying?”
“I hadn’t decided yet, but it will be one of the hotels around here.” I replied remembering I still had
the tedious task of finding a place to stay.
“You can stay with me, Tobi wouldn’t have allowed you to stay at a hotel, neither will I. We need
each other during this time.” Siya said.
“Thank you Siya and to be honest I couldn’t bear to be alone at this time.” I replied grateful for
the invitation.
“It’s settled then let’s go,” Siya stood up taking my bag with him.
We left the hospital because it was late and visiting hours were over. I needed a bath badly.
Siya hadn’t moved houses in the time that I’d been away, that meant he had no steady girlfriend
still and he wasn’t even thinking about kids. Typical of him of course. Inside it was like I’d never
left. Siya showed me to my room and left.
Chapter 30

I checked in with Marcus and updated him about Tobi. He was concerned about me and I told
him I was ok, he didn’t sound convinced. After convincing him to stay put and not take the first
flight to South Africa we said goodbye.
The house was quiet, I supposed Siya had gone out or was sleeping. In the bathroom I opted for
a bath than a quick shower. I soaked myself in scorching water allowing it to relax me. When the
water grew cold I stood and grabbed the towel, that’s when the door opened. I screamed and
ducked back into the water.
Mlibo stood mid door, neither inside nor outside. He hesitated for a second before deciding to
come in and close the door behind him.
He sat on the toilet seat, I sunk deeper into the water. After a few awkward moments I finally
spoke, “Siya is not home.”
“I know, he told me.” Mlibo replied. Another silent.
“I stay here, for now” He continued.
“Oh,” I replied.
“I lost my daughter Thule. He said. I don’t blame anyone for that, I blame myself. I am completely
to blame. If it wasn’t for me, she would be alive today and running around and laughing like all
the other children her age. But instead she lies cold and unmoving at the mortuary. If I could
trade places with her I would. Dammit Thule if I could trade places with Tobile I would be in that
hospital bed, broken like she is! Instead I walk around like a ghost and do you know how many
times in a day I think of ending my life, do you Thule?” He looked up at me then and said, “Every
second of every minute Thule.”
He sunk to the floor and cried, not silent cries but loud sobs that no man should ever utter and no
human should ever hear. Cries of a man broken, a man in desolation with no hope.
I slipped out of my bath and went to him. I hugged him as he cried. I knew he carried the pain
with him, the same pain and guilt I carried.
To ease my guilt, that weighed heavily in my heart I blamed him. How selfish of me, as if he didn’t
carry enough of it as it was. Because he loved me, he didn’t turn to me to remind me how I was
also to blame. Instead he took the blame that I threw at him, willing to carry it for me. Until now
when he no longer could.
He looked up to me and the pain that twisted his face nearly knocked the air from my lungs. “How
do I do it Thule, how do I bury my child?”
I was crying and holding on to him so hard, I was wishing to totally immerse myself into him. His
pain was my pain. Mlibo was me and I was him. “We will do it together, I’m here now ok. I will not
leave you, I will never leave you again Mlibo.”
What a sight we must have made sitting on that bathroom floor drenched in water and tears.
Shrouded in pain and guilt.
When we were cried out, Mlibo helped me up and helped me wrap a towel around me and left. I
stood there staring at the woman looking back at me in the mirror, barely recognising her.
The next day we went together to see Tobi. There were no changes and she was still in ICU. Be-
tween visiting hours we sat outside in the waiting room each lost in their own thoughts. The silent
so loud I could scream. I wanted Tobi to wake up, but I was so scared of her waking I almost
hoped she wouldn’t. But I knew her death would be my undoing. I could never live with the guilt.
Her death would kill us all. She had to wake up, she just had to.
Tobi was on a ventilator because she sometimes forgot to breathe on her own. The fact that she
was breathing on her own albeit forgetting sometimes, gave us the hope we needed. She would
pull through. Yolanda waited in the mortuary. Mlibo refused to bury her without Tobi. We couldn’t
take that away from her. She was her mother, she would want to say goodbye.
I did not want to think of the pain and guilt she would have to live with knowing she had forgotten
to strap her daughter in and had killed her .I would convince her to blame it all on me. I would
carry the guilt, she wouldn’t. In the end what had happened that night was my fault, our fault,
Mlibo and I. It was our cross to bear, not hers.
Mlibo moved around like a ghost, he was getting thinner and rarely said much. He almost never
left the hospital, only to bath and change clothes. After a week I forced him to go home and
sleep, I insisted I was going to sit with Tobi and if there were any changes would call him. In the
end he relented and left.
I was sitting with Tobi when my cell vibrated. It was a message from Marcus. “Guess who just
landed in the motherland? Send me your location.”
I nearly screamed out with joy! I know I had insisted I didn’t want him to come, that I was doing ok
but now that I knew he was here I suddenly realised how much I needed him. I sent him the loca-
tion to the hospital. I went out to find Siya sitting at the waiting room. I asked him to sit with Tobi. I
went to wait for Marcus at the reception.
I saw him as soon as he walked in, flamboyant with his sunglasses on. I rushed to give him the
greatest hug of his life as he swept me off my feet.
“Thank you so much for coming Marcus,” I said nearly crying out with joy.
“I could hear it in your voice that all wasn’t well, so here I am.” He said as he held me tighter.
“How’s Dwayne, I asked as we made our way up to the waiting room. I imagine he was none too
pleased that you came here.”
“He wasn’t, he gave me a week,” He replied as we sat down.
“I hope a lot happens in that week,” I said not hopeful.
“Tobi still not awake?” Marcus asked full of concern. I shook my head as tears spilled from my
eyes.
Marcus held me to him as I cried. “It will be ok I promise,” Marcus kept repeating in my ear.
Siya came in, he was on a call. When he was done he looked at us inquisitively. I stood up and
said, “Marcus meet Siya, Siya this is Marcus.”
Marcus stood and they shook hands, a bit longer than acceptable. Marcus said, “I have heard so
much about you, some of it not good.”
Siya realised what he meant and immediately said, “I was protecting my friend.”
To which Marcus replied, “Tee was your friend too, who was protecting her?”
Siya looked at me then at Marcus and said, “Well, she was the one who”
“Stop,” I cut him off. “Let’s not do this ok.”
Marcus huffed and sat down, Siya went back into the ICU.
I sat down next to Marcus and said, “I love you Marcus for always wanting to protect me, but not
here ok and definitely not now.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” He said. I nodded.
We went down for food. I messaged Siya telling him I was going home for the day and that Mar-
cus would sleep in my room for the night and would look for a place tomorrow. I didn’t imagine
Siya would be too please to accommodate Marcus at his house.
Mlibo was still asleep when we got home. Marcus took a bath and got into bed, we shared my
room and bed. It was nothing new, we had done it so many times before.
I awoke in the middle of the night hearing voices. I went out of my room to find Mlibo and Siya in
the kitchen. I walked in and made myself a cup of coffee and sat at the table with them.
“No changes?” I asked Siya. It sounded like a song we had been singing for almost a week now
with lyrics never changing.
“Nothing yet” came the expected reply.
“Marcus still sleeping?” Siya asked.
Mlibo looked up from his cup and asked, “Who is Marcus?”
“Thule’s friend from New York, he came in this morning,” Siya replied.
Mlibo looked over at me and said, “Friend?” I nodded. Mlibo continued to drink from his cup.
Siya yawned and got up, “I have to get to bed, I have work tomorrow. I’ll see you guys tomorrow
afternoon.”
Mlibo and I sat in silent sipping on our cups.
“He’s here?” Mlibo asked.
“Yes he came in this morning, I replied.
“He must really love you,” It was a statement.
“Yes as I him. I replied. I knew in his mind he thought us a couple. I didn’t want to correct him. I
didn’t want him to think I had spent all my time in New York pining for him.
“In the morning maybe I will meet him.”
I nodded.
We sat in the silence. I reached over and wrapped his hand with mine. Mlibo looked up and I
smiled. I wanted him to know that I was there for him, that he wasn’t alone. He smiled back and
held my eyes. In a split second I saw the love behind the pain, the love that was reserved only for
me in his heart. We both looked away. We would pretend the moment didn’t happen.
I stood up and went to bed.
Chapter 31

In the next days that followed my days consisted of the same redundant exercise of going to the
hospital and coming home. Tobi showed no changes. Every one of us was worried and we were
all scared but no one was brave enough to say what we all thought. We all had hope and we did-
n’t want our hopes dashed. So each morning as we made our way to the hospital we were hope-
ful, only to get home discouraged.
Siya had allowed Marcus to stay with us. I was grateful, I think in the end had he kicked him out I
would have gone with him. Marcus was my strength in the days I could not wake up from my bed.
And in turn I was able to be Mlibo’s. I could see he was close to giving up. We both were, but we
were resilient against the dying of our hope.
We both knew if Tobi didn’t make it out of that hospital alive it would be too great a burden on our
conscience. We already had Yolanda laying heavy on us, we couldn’t afford Tobi as well.
Siya didn’t know the circumstances that led to the accident. The way he understood it was that
they had gone out for ice cream. I trembled each time I imagined what would happen if he would
ever find out.
One afternoon at the hospital I was sitting at the waiting room with Siya, Marcus had gone down
to get us coffee and Mlibo was inside with Tobi. He suddenly turned to me and said, “Mlibo tells
me you and Marcus are a couple.”
I looked at Siya and simply nodded not wanting to voice out the lie.
Siya smirked and said, “Mhmmm, if you say so.”
I looked at him closely and wondered what he meant with that statement. I had a feeling I didn’t
want to know so I kept quiet.
“So just to be clear, when you say couple you mean sexually?” he asked.
I knew my rig was up, “What are you trying to say Siya?” I asked.
“I’m saying I do not believe you.” He moved closer to whisper into my ear. “That man is a raging
homosexual, not bisexual, he is as gay as they come.”
I looked at Siya and we both burst out laughing. I do not know how Siya saw through the whole
façade, but in the end I couldn’t continue with the lie.
“Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.” He said. By anyone we both knew he meant Mlibo.
“Thank you Siya,” I said. Siya has never forgiven me for betraying Tobi but there was a white flag
up between us. He saw how hard I tried to stay away from Mlibo, he also knew the lie about Mar-
cus and I was still exactly that, me keeping the distance between Mlibo and I. In the end I feel Si-
ya knew how much Mlibo loved me, it was there for all to see.
Marcus came back to seat with us. Siya went in to see Tobi while Mlibo went out to grab some-
thing to eat. If anyone saw how I only came to the hospital to sit at the waiting room they didn’t
say. I figured if Tobi woke up, mine would be the last face she’d want to see first. I didn’t want to
be the reason she wasn’t getting better.
Marcus turned to me and said, “You need to go in sometime my darling.”
I nodded, “And I will, just not today ok, let Siya talk to her.”
“Speaking of Siya, is he married?” Marcus said looking at his cell and not at me.
“Not married, he loves the skirts. No one has ever managed to pin him down I guess.” I replied.
“I see,” Marcus replied with a mischievous look on his face.
“Not your type Marcus,” I said.
Marcus turned to look at me and said “Is he not?” I couldn’t tell whether he was joking or being
serious. I didn’t get a chance to find out as Siya came bursting into the room.
“She’s awake,” He cried.
Marcus and I both jumped up wanting to go and see Tobi. My heart was suddenly beating at er-
ratic speed. Siya stopped us and said, “The doctors are with her, they will call us in.”
We were at our feet not wanting to sit down. Siya was on the phone yelling for Mlibo to rush back.
Everything seemed to be happening at slow speed. I was crying. Why was I crying? I was happy
for one, but I was also crying because my ruse was up. As soon as Tobi woke up she would tell
me to leave, she would tell me how much she hated me. How that hate would turn to utter detest
when she found out that Yolanda was gone.
She would blame me and rightly so. Everything that had happened, that was happening was a
direct result of my actions. My betrayal and inability to be loyal to one person that was family to
me. Many attributes make up a family and the fundament of these was honesty, honour and in-
tegrity. I had desecrated all of these the moment I had slept with her fiancé. Not the first time, but
all the many times after. And Katse, there I had buried every claim I had on the sister I loved.
How great my punishment. I would spend the rest of my life roaming with none to call family. Mar-
cus has adopted me, but it wasn’t the same. Tobi was family in every way that mattered. In the
end I had no one to blame but myself.
Mlibo came rushing in and immediately his eyes found mine. I saw the fear in his eyes and recog-
nised it as my own. You know how in Science they sat atoms attract each other and electron re-
pel? At that moment I recognised Mlibo as the only other atom in the room and I rushed to him.
Sometimes in life a lot of things don’t make sense and a lot more other times we find ourselves
standing is a vortex with nowhere else to go. In this life whenever I had been caught in a vortex I
had to wait it out on my own. Tobi never brave enough to come for me.
The day I met Mlibo I recognised him as the one person who would come for me and stand with
in the storm. Protecting me as we waited it out. In that moment the only thing that made sense
and would calm the storm around me was to be in his arms. So I rushed forward and he crashed
me to him protectively. I didn’t need to say anything, he already knew. I didn’t care that Marcus
and Siya were in the room with us.
We stood there in the waiting room for the doctor to call us in. Waiting for an absolution that
might never come.
When the doctor walked in, Mlibo and I separated but still held hands.
“Mrs Mboyane is awake, she is still weak but preliminary tests show that she seems to be doing
better than what we expected. We haven’t picked up any form of brain damage as yet. We will be
running extensive tests of course and it's still a long way but I'm happy with what I see. We will
keep her on ICU until we are 100% happy.” The doctor said.
“Oh thank God” I cried out. Everyone in the room was relieved.
“She has asked to see you, the doctor said looking at Mlibo. “She also asked to see Thule” the
doctor’s eyes found me and I nodded.
We followed the doctor inside.
Tobi had her eyes closed as we walked in, the oxygen mask was removed from her face but she
still had wires that went through the nose. Her bed was elevated up. Mlibo walked over to her
and gently shook her. I was standing on the other side of the bed with the doctor next to me.
“Hi darling it's me,” Mlibo said. Tobi slowly opened her eyes. She found Mlibo and smiled, she
then turned her face and her eyes found mine and her smile grew bigger and tears formed in her
eyes.
“Hi Tee,” her voice was weak and a bit hoarse.
“Hey,” I said moving up to stand next to her and rub her face. I don’t know why she was being
nice to me but I wasn’t questioning it.
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t pick you up at the airport.” She said.
Why was she sorry? Had she forgiven me? Did she know about Yolanda? A lot of questions
were running through my mind and I realised I hadn’t replied to Tobi. “That’s fine my darling, you
didn’t know I was coming.”
“The doctor says I’ve been unconscious for two weeks. Was everyone upset that we had to can-
cel the party?” Tobi asked.
“What party my love?” Mlibo asked.
“Our engagement party.” Tobi said turning slowly to look at Mlibo.
I looked up at Mlibo and Mlibo looked at the doctor who mouthed, “What’s wrong?”
Mlibo looked at Tobi his face gentle yet his voice was full of concern. “Tobi darling, what year is
it?”
Tobi looked at him with a confused look on her face, “2012”
The room felt like it was spinning. I looked at the doctor whose face registered shock. How had
they missed it? How did they miss that Tobi was 4 years in the past?