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Julian Post

Mrs. Morrill

DE Survey World Lit.

4/30/2024

My Underground Identity, The impulsive worrier

Totally unlike The Underground Man, I am a resilient person. I am a strong person. I

think everything will be ok. On the other hand, I have tremendous evidence that everything will

not be ok, and furthermore, that I am the reason for this, hence leaving me to conclude that I

alone am my own worst enemy, or am I. Other contradictions: despite my aforementioned

resilience, sometimes I feel weak, even quite vulnerable. I feel this weakness when I know

everything will not be ok. (Whether my real desire is for everything to be ok, or is the myriad of

things I desire what makes everything not ok.) So my desire becomes this mutually exclusive

binary scenario, leaving me asking which desire actually animates me: my desire for everything

to somehow be all right or my myriad desires that I indulge every day of my life, the infinite

desires that undermine that magical stasis that I would mythically define as “all right.”), but what

is does it feel like, when everything is “ok”, is it peace, happiness, satisfaction, I could not say. In

a way it’s like my heaven, or nirvana, or whatever religious equivalent you want to make, it’s my

end, not like death, like it is with all those others.

But like all those others, you must live a certain way in order to attain the end goal. I am

no different in this regard, indulging my various desires in order to have no regrets, doing my

best to live in a way I won’t regret, that’s what animates me. But that comes with a risk,

impulsiveness lacks forethought, so in the end I risk everything not being alright. On the other

hand, not making that impulse decision could have the same end result. So, I play this game of
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ones and zeros on whether or not indulging my various desires will result in everything being ok,

which often times ends with it not being ok. So as stated previously, I am in fact my own worst

enemy, not because I indulge my impulsive desires, but because they don’t end ok. I have not

lived having no regrets, even now I sit here writing this late, on top of my myriad of desires lays

a myriad of mistakes, one and the same.

I don’t have regrets, but I am actively making everything not ok, self-destruction while

also self-recovering, animated by the same decisions that are causing said destruction. It’s

dangerous, and in retrospect I should probably not engage in those impulsive desires. So, here I

sit, caged in this labyrinth of self-reflection, grappling with my paradoxical troubles, dancing

between doubt and confidence. While projecting an image of strength and resilience, all while,

I’m being eaten away by this. Maybe the Uncertainty is what makes me rash and indulge my

desires, the very ones I hope will be ok, but reveal to end up not being ok only upon

retrospection, and even worse upon introspection. I’m growing weak and tired, seeing the end of

the tunnel, praying for a good result, the right result.

I’m going to stop my impulsive desires. As I’ve almost tied up this chapter of my life,

and depending on how it ends could determine my very near and impending future. Having such

a weight leaves no room for me to be “indulgent”. but I still am, here I sit at home, writing this as

I was unable to during the weekend allocated to finish this up. I indulged my inability to work,

and my desire not to, and now here a sit at my desk reaping what my desires have sown, with

everything not all right. But then again here I sit writing this, doing what I can to make sure

everything is alright.