How to find a khastegar

Orli Shahkoohi
 Step 1: Turn 18
• Once you hit 18 years old, you are now a
player in the dating world. Under 18 is no
longer acceptable. It is not socially acceptable
to get married at 12 anymore
 Step 2: Get all your hair removed
• If you are a Persian girl, and you never got
you’re uni-brow removed yet, it’s time.
• Here are some hair removal contacts:
– James Gior: (516)-482-5127
– Shahnaz @ Laser in Vogue: (516)-466-8470
 Step 3: Go on a full body diet
• If you think that a miami diet is hard, then you
obviously never went shoohar (husband)
hunting.
• The typical khastegar diet is:
– Breakfast: Doogh and maste kheeyar
– Lunch: Kalepache and chai
– Snack: Badoom ba peste, and chai ba khorma (NO
SHEERENEE)
– Dinner: Ghorme Sabzi and chai
 Step 4: Learn how to cook
• Making chicken and eggs are not considered
cooking.
• You must go to your maman’s house and learn
all the secret recipes that lure in a khastegar.
• The must knows are:
– Choresht
– Tadik
– Koofteh
– Gondi
 Step 5: Do a few surgeries
• Popular surgeries done for a khastegar are
usually:
– Nose job
– Implants
– Lip injection
 Step 6: Buy 10 lbs of makeup
• Make sure every centimeter of your face is
covered with artificial make up.
• A great consultant in this division are clowns
 Step 7: Always give out chai
• When there is a mehmooni (guest), during
desert, you must always be the one to give
out the chai. This will cause the mehmooni to
respond when you hand the chai to bless you
with “inshallah vase arooseet (hopefully for
your wedding)”.
Step 8: Keep your reputation clean
• You must live under a rock until you are ready
to get married. No one should talk or hear
about you ever until it is time find a shoohar.
Step 9: Wear things you cant afford
• Anything that is flashy and cost how much
some people make in a month, buy. Even if
you can’t afford it, it’s okay. All the money will
return when you get married.
 Step 10: Go to college but drop out
later
• Apply to the CUNYs or FIT, and keep busy for
two years of your marriage. After that it is
time to do what you were born for, to have
children.
Step 11: Make sure your family falls in
loves with him before you do.
• A very big rule is that you cannot marry
anyone without your parents approval. They
usually make a list of eligible bachelors from
the second you breathe, so don’t worry. They
continuously keep tabs on them and their
family as they grows up. They stalked them all
on e-facebook (facebook), and asked everyone
in ken-eesah (shul) about them.
 Step 12: Find the perfect man
• Before even dating anyone, all these criterias
must be met:
– He must be at least double your age, and minus
10. So the longer you wait, the older he will be.
– He must come from a good family.
– His bank account should have as many digits as
your fingers.
 Step 13: Pretend you’re not a
controlling psychopath
• Once you go on your dates, you must act like
an adam (human being). Even if he didn’t text
you for one day, you cannot get mad at him.
You must let him think he is superior and is in
control. Once you are married, you are able to
show your true inner self.
 Step 14: Pretend to love your soon to
be mother in law
• No matter how sweet your husband’s mother
is, she will always hate you. You stole her son
away from her, and she will continue to fight
over him. She is worse than any ex you have
quarreled with. But during the khastegari, you
must pretend she is like your second mother,
because without her approval, he will not
marry you.
 Step 15: Go to Ken-eesa
• The last time you went to ken-eesa other than
for a mehmooni, was with your baba when
you were 6. Once you enter the walls of the
holy, you are officially putting yourself on the
market.
 Arroosee Time!!

Inshallah vase arroseetoon

Ya marde khoob meegeri
Bachegeedar meeshee
Amen.