The Art of Assertiveness: Lovely Professional University

The Art of
Assertiveness
Lovely Professional University

WIU---Washoe I m p ro v e U n I v e r s I t y
Objectives:
• Managing change
• Assertive vs. Aggressive
• Communication techniques
• Avoiding the Drama Triangle
• 4 Step Process (DESC)
• Benefits

3 Benefits of Assertive Communication
1. Set boundaries with aggressive

types
2. Speak-up confidently for yourself
3. Expressing your ideas so you
are perceived as a valuable
asset

The Art of Assertiveness
CHANGE…
“The only constant in business
today is change.”
Sound familiar?…If it doesn’t, it
should.
It’s the new reality for working
people in every type of job, in
every industry, in every city and
town.

The Art of Assertiveness
CHANGE…
To survive and, more importantly, thrive in
the business world of today and tomorrow,
working people must accept and adapt to
changes like these:
– New technology constantly requires new skills.
– Downsizing means each person assumes more
work and more responsibility.
– Mergers and realignments bring changes in job
duties, career paths, compensation, retirements
and benefits.

Dealing with change isn’t easy.
1. Some people seem to enjoy the challenges of

change, believing they can handle anything
that comes their way. When they face
obstacles, they find solutions.
2. And although they may experience moments of
uncertainty or indecisiveness, they quickly get
back on track, hang in there and eventually
make good things happen.

Dealing with Change
Because these people are constantly learning and
growing with their changing work environment,
they can be labeled as both optimistic and
assertive.
Optimism – shows in a person’s outlook on life and their
personality.
Assertiveness - While it’s difficult, if not impossible, to
change your basic personality, it’s certainly possible to
learn to be more assertive — to go after and get what
you want.
W IU---Washoe Im prove U nIver s Ity

What is Assertive?
Assertive vs. Aggressive

In the business world, you often hear the
word “aggressive.”
• Companies talk about their “aggressive” growth
plans.
• Sales managers tell their people to be “aggressive”
when calling on clients.
• Customer service reps are instructed to
“aggressively” solve customer problems.
• Children are told to be aggressive in sports.

Definition
“Assertive” vs. “Aggressive”
Assertive - “persistently positive or confident” or
“politely persistent”
Aggressive - “full of enterprise and initiative; bold
and active; pushing; starting fights or quarrels;
ready or willing to engage in direct action; militant”
Depending on your preferred definition:
• “Aggressive” can be either positive or negative.
• Typically, it’s used to describe behavior that’s pushy,
abrasive or too forceful.

Difference between being
assertive and aggressive
How our words and behavior affect the rights
and well-being of other people.
Assertive communication
– champions our own rights and well-being
– without violating those of others
– take feelings and needs into consideration
– shows respect

Example
Say you’re having trouble with a coworker:
• Monica, has fallen behind on her part of a project assigned to
your whole team.
• As an assertive communicator, you have the right to privately
express your displeasure to Monica and ask her to do her share
of the work.
• At the same time, Monica has the right to tell her side of the
story — perhaps a family situation has caused her work
productivity to drop.
• Whatever the case, the two of you could rationally and
reasonably discuss the situation and focus on finding a mutually
agreeable solution to the problem.
• Both could “win.”

3 Crucial Elements of
Assertive Persuasion
• Credibility – people believe you know

what you’re talking about
• Emotional Connection – people

oriented / task oriented
• Logic – based on situation / audience

How to be Assertive
• So, just how do you go about being more assertive?
• 1 2 Simple Communication Techniques
• 1. Use “I” messages and “feeling” verbs.

• Assertive communicators personalize their comments
by starting sentences with the word “I” and by
choosing verbs that express feelings. “I enjoyed your
presentation” makes a stronger statement than “Your
presentation was well- done.”

How to Be Assertive
12 Simple Communication Techniques
2. Discuss your goals and accomplishments.
Don’t be afraid to tell coworkers: “I plan to

improve my performance this month” or “I’m
proud that I won the employee of the month
award for last month.”

How to Be Assertive
3. Show an interest in others.
An assertive communicator can read another

person’s body language, or tone of voice and
react appropriately with phrases like “I’m glad you
got that promotion” or “I see you’re relieved that
project’s over.”

How to Be Assertive
4. Match your delivery to your message.
To be believable, your own body language and

vocal expression should reinforce what you’re
saying.

How to Be Assertive
5. Know how to respond to compliments.
When someone compliments you,

acknowledge it and accept it graciously.

How to Be Assertive
6. Disagree mildly.
If you’re unsure of another person’s thoughts or

feelings, state your position firmly, quietly and in
a non-demanding, uncritical way.

How to Be Assertive
• 7. Disagree more emphatically when it’s

necessary to get your point across.
• If you’re sure someone’s idea isn’t going to work and

they’re being stubborn about it, make your message
stronger.

How to Be Assertive
8. Ask for clarification when you’re confused.
There are a couple of ways to do this. One is to

say, “I want to make sure I understand. Please
repeat that.” The other is “Let me repeat what
you said to make sure I understand.”

How to Be Assertive
9. Don’t be afraid to ask “Why?”
This applies to requests that seem unreasonable,

silly or wasteful. Begin with a positive statement,
then express your opinion and finally ask a direct
question.

How to Be Assertive
10. Speak up for yourself.
Assertive people don’t let others take

advantage of them. If a request is
unreasonable or poorly timed, say “no,”
give a brief explanation and don’t feel
guilty about it.

How to Be Assertive
11. Be persistent.
If you have a reasonable or legitimate

request, don’t give up until it’s been fulfilled.

How to Be Assertive
12. Don’t feel compelled to always justify your

feelings and opinions.
Sometimes an assertive person will have a gut

feeling, a hunch, an intuition about something. If
that’s the case, just say so. You don’t have to
explain everything.

Exposure Therapy
• Practicing assertiveness in real-life seems
daunting
• Best way to build confidence, improve
assertiveness
• Overcome anxiety by forcing yourself to
participate when you usually have difficulty

Visualizatio
n
• Imagine yourself handling a difficult
scenario assertively
• Helps you relax and react more effectively
• Rehearsing can help you be more
effective, confident and assertive

Making Your Messages
Assertive
When conflict or poor communication
is causing problems at work
– people typically react passively by doing
nothing
– or aggressively by doing and saying too
much
– others may react in a passive-aggressive
manner

Making Your Messages
Assertive

Pattern of Conflict
“Avoiding destructive pattern of conflict”
• Three roles in the destructive DramaTriangle
• Everyone knows how to assume one role
• Everyone has a favorite role
• Learned from childhood, very practiced
• Hard to avoid unless you are aware

Nonassertive, inadequate,
Pattern of Vic t im helpless, sad, scared, guilty,
I’m NOT OK. Stress or low
Conflict self-esteem attracts
rescuers or persecutors.
D r a ma
Tria n g l
e
Pe rs e c u t Rescuer
or

D r a ma
Nonassertive or
Tria n g l aggressive, won’t say
e “NO”, assumes
superiority over victim.
or

Aggressive, attacking,
direct or indirect D r a ma
sabotage, angry, Nonassertive or
righteous, superior…
Tria n g l aggressive, won’t say
Makes victims feel they e “NO”, assumes
are NOT OK! superiority over victim.
or

Pattern of Conflict
PRACTICE, PRACTICE!
• Improving skills requires practice

• Daily practice for at least 21 days is
recommended to change old behavior
patterns and develop new skills

Assertive communication…
Gets to the heart of problems and finds solutions
1. The most effective way to communicate
assertively is to prepare a script of what you want
to say.
2. Plan it, write it out, fine-tune it, memorize it, and
practice it — then present it.
4 Step Process “Acronym DESC”
Helps you prepare and deliver successful assertive scripts
D = Describe
E = Express
S = Specify
C = Consequences

4 Step Process “Acronym
DESC”
“Each step addresses a certain goal”
Describe:
Objectively describe the problem to the
target person, the one who can do
something to help resolve it. Be very specific,
stating when, where and why the problem
occurs.
The technique was first formulated in a 1976 book, Asserting Yourself: A Practical
Guide to Positive Change, (Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, Inc.), and
updated in 1991 by Sharon Anthony Bower and Gordon H. Bower.

Express:
Using restraint, calmly express how you
feel. Remember to focus on the problem,
not the person who’s causing or
contributing to it.

Specify:
Carefully explain how you would like the
problem to be solved and be willing to
compromise a bit to reach a solution.
Remember, you’re making a request, not
a demand.

Consequences:
Lay your cards on the table. Tell the target
person about the positive consequences
or “rewards” that will result if she helps
solve the problem. If the target person isn’t
willing to help, outline the negative
consequences or “punishments” that will
result. Then be prepared to follow through.

Example ...
Here’s how you might handle the problem with your
coworker, Monica, who’s fallen behind on her part of
a project that’s been assigned to your whole team.
Describe: “Monica, I haven’t received your

part of the research our team’s supposed to
gather for the new strategic plan. It was due
to the department director yesterday, and
he’s called me twice already to ask about it.”

Express: “This situation

really puts our team in a
bad light. Plus, it’s
important that we get that
strategic plan together as
soon as possible.”

• Specify: “Is there something I or other

members of the team can do to help you finish
the research by the end of day?
• I’ve got a couple of hours I could spend on it
this afternoon.”

Consequences: “If you can’t complete

the research today, I’ll have to tell the
department director what has been
holding things up. None of us wants that
to happen. Let’s get the entire team
together in a few minutes and finish this
project once and for all. I know everyone
will want to pitch in.”

When using the DESC

technique or any kind of
assertive communication,
remember to carefully
choose your words.
Your words greatly influence

how people respond to you
and your requests.

The Benefits of Being Assertive

• Each year, companies spend billions of dollars upgrading
their employees’ technical, people and customer-service
skills.
• What many don’t realize is that assertiveness training
can also affect things like customer satisfaction,
productivity and profitability.
• By offering this kind of training, companies can teach
their employees to solve problems through cooperation
and negotiation.
• But that’s just one of the many benefits of an assertive
workplace.

A few other benefits…
• Every problem seems to have a “win-win” solution.

– Assertive communicators first ask what the other person
wants, then quickly negotiate a solution all can live with.
• Because problems are solved quickly, resentment,

frustration and other tensions that block peak
performance are minimized.
• Helps employees become problem-solvers rather than
victims of a system they believe they can’t control.
– While victims feel paralyzed, assertive people feel
empowered to find the best solutions.

• Assertive behavior can actually reduce physical and
mental stress because people feel less like victims and
more like influencers.
• Employees stop procrastinating and start acting.
– They form an action plan for success by asking, “What will it
take to make my wish (or goal) a reality?”
• Communication becomes clearer and more concise,
which reduces misunderstandings and clarifies
expectations.
– Phrases like “I thought you meant ... ” virtuallydisappear.
People speak up and say what’s on their minds.
– They aren’t afraid their ideas will be shunned, ridiculed or
ignored.

• Employees concentrate on what’s within their
control, rather than what’s beyond their control.
– Example: you can always control how you react to a
situation, but you can’t control how others react.
• Instead of wasting time by gossiping and

complaining — which accomplish nothing —
employees focus on the positive, productive steps
they can take to solve problems.

As you can see, it pays to be assertive in the
workplace, especially when change and
uncertainty are the only constants in today’s
business world.
Being assertive gives you the confidence and
communication skills to go after and get what
you really want.
After all, if you don’t stand up for yourself,
no one else will.

Please be sure to complete and
leave the evaluation sheet you
received with your handouts.
Thank you for your attention and

interest!

Recommended Reading:
Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide to Positive Change,
by Sharon Anthony Bower and Gordon H. Bower (the DESC
technique was first formulated in this 1976 book)
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

by Manuel J. Smith, #1 Best Seller on Assertiveness Training
Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life

and Relationships
by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons

The Art of Assertiveness: Lovely Professional University

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The Art of

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

1. Set boundaries with aggressive

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

1. Some people seem to enjoy the challenges of

Lovely Professional University

W IU---Washoe Im prove U nIver s Ity

Assertive vs. Aggressive

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

• Credibility – people believe you know

• Emotional Connection – people

• Logic – based on situation / audience

Lovely Professional University

• 1. Use “I” messages and “feeling” verbs.

Lovely Professional University

2. Discuss your goals and accomplishments.

Don’t be afraid to tell coworkers: “I plan to

Lovely Professional University

3. Show an interest in others.

An assertive communicator can read another

Lovely Professional University

4. Match your delivery to your message.

To be believable, your own body language and

Lovely Professional University

5. Know how to respond to compliments.

When someone compliments you,

Lovely Professional University

If you’re unsure of another person’s thoughts or

Lovely Professional University

• 7. Disagree more emphatically when it’s

• If you’re sure someone’s idea isn’t going to work and

Lovely Professional University

8. Ask for clarification when you’re confused.

There are a couple of ways to do this. One is to

Lovely Professional University

9. Don’t be afraid to ask “Why?”

This applies to requests that seem unreasonable,

Lovely Professional University

10. Speak up for yourself.

Assertive people don’t let others take

Lovely Professional University

If you have a reasonable or legitimate

Lovely Professional University

12. Don’t feel compelled to always justify your

Sometimes an assertive person will have a gut

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

Lovely Professional University

• Improving skills requires practice

Lovely Professional University