EMPATHY IN

COUNSELLING
WHAT IS EMPATHY?????
Near the end of Carl Rogers’ life, he wrote a
scathing article noting that his
conceptualization of empathy had little to
do with the popularized notion of empathy
that had become known as “reflection of
feelings.”
Rogers suggested that empathy is the ability
to understand another person’s experience
in the world, as if you were that person,
without ever losing the “as if” sense. He also
noted that empathy entails letting the
person know that you understand his or her
experience.
The five levels of responding
During the 1960s and 1970s, micro counseling skills
were popularized. Although these preprogrammed
methods of teaching basic counseling skills were pretty
effective, they reinforced the notion that counselors
should mostly reflect back feelings and content to be
empathic. Models developed by such well-known
authors as Gerard Egan, Allen Ivey and Robert
Carkhuff flourished at this time, and their work, and
similar work by others, continues to dominate the ways
that counselor trainees learn basic counseling skills.
Level 1 is when the counselor is simply horrible,
reflects little if any of the feelings and content, and
may even be critical of the client.
Level 2 is when the counselor misses the mark by
using a feeling that is not quite on target (e.g., saying
“You feel upset” when “You feel depressed” would be
more accurate) or uses content that does not quite
capture the meaning of what the client said.
Level 3 is when the counselor is on target, reflecting
back feelings and content that capture exactly what
the client was saying.
Level 4 is when the counselor “subceives” feelings just
below what the client was outwardly expressing and
accurately reflects those feelings back to the client. For
example, “So, I’m sensing that in addition to your
anger, you feel pretty hurt …” also demonstrate
complex and critical thinking that helps the client gain
awareness about his or her life:
“It seems like every time you get close to someone,
you get scared — similar to how you felt when you
were rejected by your parents.” These responses
reflect understanding, not a “guess” or an interpretation.
Another Level 4 response is when the counselor reflects
back a dilemma that the client may be experiencing but
is not seeing directly. For instance, “So on one hand, I
hear your deep attraction to this person in your
office, but on the other hand, I also hear your
ongoing love for your spouse.”
Level 5 responses occur when the counselor is “with”
the client in his or her deepest moments of pain and
demonstrates this in some way with the client. These
are relatively rare responses, usually made in long-
term counseling relationships
Ten creative and novel empathic responses
1) Reflecting nonverbal behaviors: The most basic of the
advanced responses, most counselors likely have already made
such empathic rejoinders simply by acknowledging a client’s
nonverbal behaviors. The following is a brief example of such
a response:
Client: I’m not even sure where to begin today. So much
has been going on.
Counselor: Well, just looking at your nonverbal
behaviors, I can see that you have probably gone through
a lot this past week. Your slouching body just looks
depressed, and I can see you’re on the verge of tears.
2) Reflecting deeper feelings: This type of advanced
empathic response is similar to Carkhuff’s
understanding of a Level 4 response, when the
counselor is subceiving feelings beyond what the client
is outwardly saying. It is important to note that these
are not interpretive responses in which the counselor
is hypothesizing about what the client is feeling. These
responses are when the counselor actually experiences
a feeling of which the client is unaware that resides
just below the surface
. For example:
Client: I’m at my wits’ end. I’m so frustrated with my
spouse. No matter what I do, nothing seems to work. I
keep offering new ways to try and work things out, but he
doesn’t seem to care. I feel like throwing something at
him.
Counselor: Your frustration really shows. You’ve tried so
many different things, yet nothing seems to work. But
most of all, I think I hear the sadness in your voice —
sadness about the lack of connection that you feel with
your husband.
3) Pointing out conflictual feelings and thoughts:
Also an outgrowth from the Carkhuff model, this
response enlightens the client’s understanding of self
by pointing out different and conflicting parts of self
with which the client is struggling. These
contradictory parts of self are often responsible for a
client feeling stuck in life. It is only through awareness
of these conflicting parts of self that one can make
smart choices about how to move forward in life.
Client: You know, I love my wife so much that the
thought of being without her is incredibly painful. She
is my rock and makes my life so much easier.
Ten minutes later
Client: I went out to lunch with my co-worker the other
day, and I know she was flirting with me. When I’m
around her, I feel lifted out of my depression. I so wish
that I had someone like her in my life, and I’m even
thinking I could have an affair with her.
Counselor: I’m hearing two parts of you. One that feels
as if your spouse is your bedrock — a person who keeps
you grounded — and another that wishes there were
more excitement and vibrancy in your life.
4) Using visual imagery: Using visual imagery
reaches a client through different neural pathways
than does traditional talk therapy. For instance,
imagine working with a client who has been so bullied
by friends and family that the client has considered
suicide. As you sit with your client, an image floats into
your consciousness that you share with your client.
Counselor: You know, as you’re telling me about your
situation, I imagine you lying on the ground, surrounded by
friends and family as they hover over you and barrage you
with negative statements. You feel like you can’t move.
You’re looking for an escape route, but none comes to mind.
Powerful images such as this show the client that you
understand the gravity of his or her situation. They also help
the client understand the intensity of the situation in a new
and dramatic manner, potentially leading to the client
generating ways of freeing himself or herself from the
situation.
5) Using analogies: Like visual images, analogies
reach clients through different neural pathways than
those used with basic reflections. Analogies use a
logical analysis to compare a person’s situation to
another situation that has a similar theme but
different content. This allows the client to see the
situation from a slightly removed and alternative
position — a perspective that is sometimes more
palatable for the client.
Client: I work in this huge office, and every day I go in and sit
in my cubicle. There are literally dozens of people around me,
and yet I feel like I’m alone. It’s almost more depressing than
actually being by myself — all of these people around me and
no one acknowledging, talking with or interacting with me.
Sometimes I get so low, I just want to kill myself right there in
my cubicle, but no one would probably even notice.
Counselor: It’s kind of like you’re an ant in an ant colony. All
the ants are busy, busy, busy, and they don’t see you, hear you
or touch you. You could just disappear, right there, and none
of the rest of the colony would know you’re gone.
6) Using metaphors: As with the use of visual images
and analogies, metaphors also allow clients to receive
information in a different form than the typical
reflections used in traditional talk therapy. In this
case, however, the counselor uses a figure of speech
that is symbolic or representative of the client’s
situation.
Client: Things have been going so well for me. Since
I’ve been coming here, I just feel like everything has
changed. I’m happier, I’m more in touch with myself
and, best of all, I have met all these new people and
have had all these new experiences. I am just flying.
Counselor: You certainly found the light and now seem
to have an infinite spectrum of possibilities.
7) Using targeted self-disclosure: Revealing an aspect
of self that parallels what the client is experiencing can
be an important way to demonstrate understanding. In
addition, clients will sometimes assume that if their
counselor was able to overcome a struggle similar to
theirs, then they can also be successful. One type of self-
disclosure includes the counselor revealing feelings in
the moment. Often called immediacy, this response
demonstrates understanding of the client’s feelings and
also models how the client can share his or her
innermost thoughts and feelings with someone close.
Client: I’m at my wits’ end. I’m as depressed as ever. I
keep trying to change my life, but nothing works. I try
communicating better, I change my job, I change my
looks … I even take antidepressants, but nothing
helps.
Counselor: As you talk, I feel sad and anxious. Sad,
because I can tell how hard this is for you, and
anxious, because I feel the frustration of nothing
working.
Client: I’m at my wits’ end. I’m as depressed as ever. I
keep trying to change my life, but nothing works. I try
communicating better, I change my job, I change my
looks … I even take antidepressants, but nothing
helps.
Counselor: You know, there was a time in my life when
I really struggled. I remember how difficult it was for
me to get through that time.
Here, the revelation about the counselor’s life
demonstrates that the counselor understands the
client’s struggles. Notice the nonspecifics of this
response. The counselor clearly does not want to reveal
too much about his or her life. Targeted self-disclosure
should be done carefully and used only to show a
client that he or she is being heard, not because the
counselor gets something out of self-disclosing. I often
say that if it feels good to self-disclose, then you are
probably doing so for your own benefit.
8) Reflecting media: Sometimes a client’s situation
might remind the counselor of a particular movie,
book or popular story. To show the client that the
counselor recognizes his or her situation, the
counselor references the media
Client: I had everything. I just bought a new home,
was about to go into business for myself and simply
had a wonderful life. Then the tornado took it all away.
Counselor: What you have gone through reminds me
of the book The Old Man and the Sea. After catching
the fish of his life that will lift the man out of poverty,
he ties it to his boat, but sharks attack it, and the
man’s treasure is lost.
9) Reflecting tactile responses: Using the
counselor’s own physical reactions to the client’s
disclosures can also demonstrate empathy. Here, the
counselor closely monitors his or her bodily sensations
and reflects those to the client in an attempt to mirror
the client’s own experience.
Client: Anytime I’m around my partner, he harasses
me with negative statements. I try my best to be what
he wants me to be but just can’t live up to his
expectations. Even when I think I’m doing what he
wants me to do, it’s not good enough. I’m lost.
Counselor: When you just told me what you’re going
through, I felt a gripping bite in my jaw and my
stomach twist and turn. I imagine this is how you
must be feeling.
10) Using discursive responses: Based in narrative
therapy, discursive empathy assumes that part of the
client’s experience is based on older, historical and,
possibly, cultural narratives. Clearly, one has to possess
knowledge of the client’s old narratives, historical
roots and cultural experiences.
Client: You know, I feel like wherever I go, I’m treated
as a second-class citizen and I don’t get the same
opportunities that Whites get.
Counselor: I wonder if I’m hearing how pervasive
racism has been in your life as you were growing up —
and even today — and how it has impacted your view
of the world in such an important way.
We think we listen, but very rarely
do we listen with real
understanding, true empathy. Yet
listening, of this very special kind,
is one of the most potent forces
for change that I know."
Carl Ransom Rogers