Nurturing Our Marriages

Glimpses from
OFNC Couples’ Weekend
11th -13th February 2011
Purpose
• Malachi 2:15-16

Didn’t the LORD make you one with your wife?

In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want?
Godly children from your union. So guard your heart;
remain loyal to the wife of your youth.
“For I hate divorce!” says the LORD, the God of Israel.
“To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty, ”
says the LORD of Heaven’s Armies.
“So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”
Principles
• To leave ALL and to CLEAVE to one; hence

• Two shall become ONE to create

• ‘A Ground’ for Raising Godly ‘Offspring’

• Some basic principles of marriage are contained in

1 Corinthians 7:1-9.
Doctrine of Marriage
• Ephesians 5:22-33

• God gives different Instructions to both genders

because we are ‘wired’ differently

• They must therefore function according to ‘design’

 Foundational Laws of Marriage
• Genesis 2:24, 25
• That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they
become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
• Law of Priority – A man shall leave his father and mother.
• Law of Pursuit – Man shall leave and shall be joined.
• Law of Process – They shall become...(everything a
process)
• Law of Possession - They shall become one flesh.
• Law of Purity – They were both naked.
• Law of Prosperity – They shall not be ashamed
Priorities
• Psalm 112:5
• A good man deals graciously and lends; He will guide
his affairs with discretion.

• Man has primary authority and primary responsibility in

the nuclear family. Other responsibilities are secondary.
A man with clear priorities can guide his affairs with
discretion.

• Men and women have different assignments in a

marriage.
Pursuit
• Marriage is a lifetime pursuit. The price of humanity is
P-A-I-D by pursuit.
• Passion
• Affection
• Interest
• Determination

• Do something to nurture your marriage every weekend

(e.g. go on a date).
 Dwelling with Understanding (1)
Love the Woman (1 Peter 3:7)
• Proverbs 24:3
• Knowledge provides the resources to build our lives.
• Understanding identifies how to use these resources
• Wisdom puts knowledge and understanding together for
effectiveness.
• Wisdom is the rightful application of knowledge.
• Ephesians 5: 22-32
• Theology, doctrine and principles of marriage summarised
• Proverbs 10:13
• Lack of understanding leads to many painful experiences
in life
Dwelling with Understanding (1; contd.)
Understanding the Woman (Eph.5:22-33)
1. A woman has an intense desire to feel loved.
• More than what you think
 
• She must FEEL Loved
• She must feel you love her more than anyone or anything or
• She will compete with that perceived object of your affection

2. A woman does not assume that your love is permanent

• They therefore need it said regularly
• So keep saying “I love you”
• Husbands commanded several times to ‘love’ their wives
• Holy Spirit does not assume either, hence the emphasis and
repeated commands
3. A woman needs to feel secure.
• Therefore need for emotional/financial security
• She wants to be sure that you’ll always be there
• ‘I love you’ is to meet the need for emotional Security
• Be careful what you say; careless words breed insecurity
(Num14:28)
• Reassure her when complains of ‘tired’ of the relationship

4. A woman wants the man in particular more than anything

else. Vs.25 ‘gave himself’; himself several times
• She wants your time not your money, gifts and other
possessions.
• Women don’t need their space when upset; they need
their husbands
• Get your priorities right
5. Because it’s about the man, the woman is always preparing herself for
the man.
• She is keen to please the man
• Everything she does is how to please the man
• He is therefore her ‘mirror’; his body language matters
• What she sees thru’ your mirror matters
• Compliment her; take her to the shop to buy her dresses
• Tell her how good she looks
• The more you tell her she’s beautiful, the more you’ll see it

6. Women connect by talking.

• By listening to what she wants to say, you connect
• Let her talk; Enjoy what she has to say
• When she questions your information, she’s not questioning the
authenticity but seeking for you to expound your information
• Men assume women can fill in the spaces; they usually can’t
7. Generally women want you to show that you care.
Key words:
• ‘Sanctify’ – make special; set apart
• ‘Cleanse’ ; ‘Nourish’; ‘Cherish’; ‘wrinkle’; ‘blemish’
• These words are used to describe the woman to
the man
• For a woman, love has to be expressed in your
care

• Summary:
“He that loves his wife loves himself”
 Dwelling with Understanding (2)
Respect the Man (1 Peter 3:1-6) (Eph 5:22-24;33b)
• “Let the wife see that she respects her husband”
• Respect is equivalent to ‘love’ for a Man
• Success and achievement matters to a man.
• A man is driven by the need for significance, success
and achievement.
• Keywords in the text:
• Submit; Head; Subject = Authority
• ‘Head’ – Authority is derived from this word
• Submit ‘as to The Lord’
• Husband is head of the wife ‘as Christ is the head’
• Submission is difficult for the flesh
• God demands ‘sacrificial life’ in marriages
• Place of marriage is place of ‘death’
• We die to ‘ourselves’
• How is Husband ‘head’? – “Just as” = Exactly the same
way Christ is the head
• Especially difficult when the woman thinks she’s
wiser/smarter than the man
• “Let the wife see that she respects her husband”
 Christ (Head of the man)

Man (Head of the woman, submitted to Christ, gives

himself for the woman, loves the woman)

Woman (Subject to Man, submitted to him, respects mans

authority)
 Understanding the man
1. Generally most men will prefer Respect to ‘love’
• A man feels loved when he is respected.
• This principle applies to male children too!

2. Anger is an easy ‘barometer’ to know when a man feels

disrespected.
• He would either give a verbal loud expression or
• Withdraw completely and not say anything
• He is then incapable of showing love because he is
angry on the inside
3. Unconditional Respect for the man vs. Unconditional love for the
woman
• It is equally a command, therefore he does not have to earn it
• Whether wise or foolish; rich or poor; intelligent or not is
immaterial
• c/f; 1 Peter ...even if the partner does not believe in God. God
has a way of using our conduct to minister to the other person

4. To respect therefore is a Deliberate Choice

• He does not need to earn it, contrary to ‘natural ways and
expectations’
• Similar to the command “love your enemies” – unnatural!

5. Most women will naturally want to respect but don’t know what
respect is to a man
 What is ‘Respect’ to a Man?
1. Respect his judgment/Opinion
• Marrying you = 1st Major decision he made
• If you think he made a bad decision in marrying you,
then you can disrespect his judgment
• Don’t argue with his choices/opinions most of the time.
You can say ‘we’ll pray about it’
• That’s why the Bible uses “The Head” to describe him.
That is where the vision/sight comes from.
2. Men are angry whenever you dismiss their opinion
• Their opinions are often respected at work
• They would wonder what is wrong with my wife that
she will not listen to me at home?
• He is celebrated outside the home. How come not at
home?
• A man is happy when his opinion is respected.
3. In communication your conduct is ‘louder’ than your
voice.
• 1 Peter – “wives be submissive...they without a
word...by the conduct...”
• It’s not your ‘argument’/voice but your conduct that will
change a man
• Watch what you say, how , where and when you say it
• Prov. 13 “the wise woman builds her home...”
• Prov. 15 1-2 “...a gentle word turns away anger...”; “the
tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly”
• Your body language speaks volumes
• Watch your words. Words are ‘seeds’.
4. Respect his abilities; ‘Speak’ to his abilities
• Man is about achievement. Man wants to impress
• A woman who wants to respect her husband will talk
to “The King” in the man, not “The Kid” in him
• “The King” is the ability; c/f – Abigail vs. Michal
• A man always wants to conquer. Allow him to
• Every man wants to provide. He may not have the
ability
• A man’s brain is wired to achieve; provide; preserve
• The greatest threat a male has is the threat of
inadequacy i.e. The fear of not being able to provide
5.Don’t challenge or correct a Man in Public
• Don’t mistreat or tease him in public
• Especially NOT in an extended family setting
• A man wants to show he’s in charge
• Challenging his abilities = pronouncing his
inadequacy
• He does not need to hear that he ‘missed the way’
even when it is obvious; he’s already flogged himself
• Men need to explore and in the course may miss the
way
Benefits of Dwelling Together in
Understanding
1. Power of Agreement

2. Two are better than one

3. Nothing can hinder our prayers

4. We’ll be joint heirs unto “the grace of life”

one ‘signatory’ will not be honoured in heaven; must be
both
 Grace of Life (1 Peter 3:7)
1. Took us thru’ all sorts of tribulations
2. Makes us different from our siblings/colleagues
3. Charts the path for our children in life
4. Seen on Abraham, Jacob and eventually Levi four
generations later
5. Makes men want to favour us in places
6. Comes upon a family in times of distress and scarcity
e.g. during inflation/financial crisis
7. Sees us thru’ the turbulence of life.
• The synergistic effects of us coming together cannot
be quantified

8. The grace is amplified once we are Married and are a

Child of God
• The providential power/abundance of God in our lives
cannot be quantified
• We need to celebrate our differences
• Grace that she has that I don’t have but when we
come together, it multiplies
• Unites our hearts together
 Threats to Marriage - Affairs
• Four broad types
• Frustration affairs – typically a result of unhappiness.
• Platonic affairs – emotional, no sexual involvement
• Supplementary affairs – to supplement what is going
on at home.
• Exit affairs – The marriage is finished. 
• The greatest threat to the marriage bond is a
relationship with one spouse with a member of the
opposite sex.
Making our Marriages Affair-proof
1. Communication – keep lines open
• Create opportunities
• Call family meetings/make ‘appointments’ regularly

2. Give each other Attention

3. Cover your Spouse with Prayers

4. Look after Yourself

5. Do not nag