Edwin By Adam Grant

(Work in progress, do not read!)

COLD OPEN INT. OFFICE BUILDING MENS WASHROOM - DAY EDWIN, an awkward looking 30 year old, is standing in a garbage can behind a stall. He holds a SCREENPLAY in his hands. Edwin wears a flashy short sleeved button up shirt (flames, anime, normally both), a black fedora, cargo shorts and socks with sandals. He is totally silent, and we can hear the sound of DRIPPING WATER reverberating off the cold tile walls. He exhales wearily and looks down at his watch, then back up at the opposite wall. He sees himself standing in a garbage can in one of the mirrors hung above a sink. He starts to talk to himself. EDWIN Hi, my names Edwin. I know what youre thinking. Its a really bad idea to start an episode with a voice over. You always want to start on action. (deliberate pause, water drips) But the question is probably burning you up, so I just gotta answer it. Why is this guy standing in a garbage can? Well, Im waiting to hand a script to a very important Hollywood agent. Im technically not allowed in this building anymore, but...(whispered) oh shit here he comes. A writers AGENT in a blue collar shirt and brown pants enters the bathroom with an extra large cup of coffee in his hand. AGENT Edwin? The agent gets down on his knees and checks beneath the stalls to make sure nobody is hiding inside them. He takes note of the garbage can but is satisfied that nobody is standing behind it. AGENT Im sending this coffee to a lab, Edwin. If theres anything in it, youre gonna be in big trouble.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

The agent rises, and is convinced that hes alone. He walks over towards the sink across from Edwins hiding spot behind the stalls to dump the coffee. He looks up into the mirror and is shocked by the appearance of Edwin behind him. He spins in shock and spills coffee everywhere. AGENT Jesus fucking Christ! The Agent launches a verbal assault on Edwin, and Edwin starts his pitch. Loud, obnoxious dubstep music plays and the credits roll. Edwin tries to get out of the garbage can and the agent pushes back against him. EDWIN Listen I really got a good feeling about this oneAGENT No Edwin you stay in the fucking garbage! You stay in there! EDWIN Its a high value... its a high concept... concept. Idea! Its a high concept idea! AGENT I dont give a fuck! Wait here while I call security! EDWIN Shit! Edwin and the garbage can hes in both tip over and fall to the floor. The script spills all over the place, and we take a look at the title page. "Harry Potter and the Navi Prince". The agent flees in horror and, after picking himself up, Edwin follows. EDWIN Its a very marketable script, and, I know that script writing is a sales job, which is why Ive dressed up today. Edwin emerges into the hallway of the office building. Two security GUARDS approach, and they are both in terrible shape. The one in front is speed-eating an energy bar. EDWIN Oh shit!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: GUARD #1 Im gonna kick your ass!

3.

A very slow foot race ensues. Edwin comes to a door labled "stairs" and has to make an extremely difficult decision about whether or not hes prepared to do this. The guards draw nearer. Edwin flees into the stairway. They go down a single flight before slowing down. Theyre going so slow that people from the office are entering the stairwell and walking past them. GUARD #2 Stop eating that fucking candy bar! You cant even breathe! GUARD #1 Its not a candy bar! They "burst" out onto the street. Edwin power walks with all his might onto a patiently waiting bus. The exhausted guards scour their pockets for change but are left behind as the bus departs. The music and the credits stop. ACT 1 INT./EXT. PUBLIC TRANSIT BUS - DAY Edwin is now sitting at the back of the bus, catching his breath. He checks his watch and frowns at the time. He sits nearby Allen, a quirky black man in his mid twenties. EDWIN Hey Allen. ALLEN Hey Edwin. You look blue, homie. EDWIN Yeah, I am. ALLEN How about you let me sell you a little pick-me-up? Allen pulls out a DIMEBAG containing a wet piece of bread covered entirely with blue-green mold. EDWIN (pause) That looks pretty good.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: ALLEN This heres a real primo dimebag. You want it? EDWIN Ok.

4.

Edwin pulls out a ten dollar bill and buys the moldy bread from Allen. He opens up the little bag and smells it while Allen looks on in amusement. EDWIN Wow, this smells dank ALLEN Yeah its pretty dank alright. EDWIN I bet Ill get all fucked up on this. ALLEN Probably! (pause) So where you going? EDWIN Im going to a big meeting. Lots of important agents are gonna bid on a script Ive developed. Where are you going? ALLEN Oh, you know, here and there. Listen, I gotta tell you this because youre my boy. You smell like day old gravy. EDWIN Oh. ALLEN Dont worry though, I got you covered. Allen produces from a pocket a liquid cologne sample, the mouth of which is sealed by a heavy duty paper clip. He opens the sample and distributes a stingy few drops on Edwins fingers. Edwin rubs his hands all over himself. ALLEN I always know summer is over whenever I see you running away from security guards.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

EDWIN I sweat profusely. A big, scary black dude by the name of EAST BAY RAY appears at the back of the bus. He glares at Allen, then at Edwin. He decides on Allen. EAST BAY RAY (to Allen) I need to sit down. ALLEN I think theres a bench at the next stop. EAST BAY RAY I want to sit where youre sitting. ALLEN Well Im not moving! All 230 pounds of East Bay Ray sits down on Allens lap. Edwin peers nervously down at his dimebag as a few awkward seconds of silence pass by. Edwin seems to realize something all of a sudden. EDWIN Hey, this is just a chunk of moldy bread, its not weed at all! ALLEN I never said it was weed, I said it was a dimebag. EDWIN So? ALLEN That just means its a bag that costs ten dollars. Edwin is dazzled by Allens logic, at a loss for words. EDWIN Ok... Allen shakes his head in disappointment. ALLEN Come on homie, what did I tell you about standing up for yourself? You cant just let people walk all over you in this life. You gotta... (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

East Bay Ray drops a massive fart in Allens lap. Allen doesnt even flinch and pretends it never happened, playing it very cool. ALLEN You gotta... EBR farts again. ALLEN You cant just... A smaller fart. Allen waits to make sure hes done. ALLEN A man needs to go through... East Bay Ray once more erupts into a long, loud fart. Allen decides to just raise his voice and try and talk through it. ALLEN ...this life holding his head up high and not taking no mess from nobody, no matter... The fart ends abruptly. EAST BAY RAY No talking. ALLEN (softly) This brotha just doo-dooed in his own pants, dog. Edwin looks on in relief, glad that Allen is catching this bullet today. EDWIN Whatever, you can have it. It probably smells so bad that not even homeless people will take it. EAST BAY RAY Thats not true, Ill take it. EDWIN Yeah but everyone loves the smell of their own brand, that doesnt count.

(CONTINUED)

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7.

EAST BAY RAY Can I have that bag of bread there? EDWIN Ok... Edwin hands INT. FANCY HOLLYWOOD AGENCY FRONT ROOM - DAY Edwin is sitting down in a high-scale looking agency office, the kind with glass walls and lots of douchey looking agents running around talking into Bluetooths. A RECEPTIONIST and a blond haired, handsome, 23 year old young white male KOBE (rhyming with ROBE). Edwin is reading his screenplay, and we read with him. COLONEL MILES QUARITCH (written, sic) What are these meddelsome kids doing with the navi? SEVERUS SNAPE (written, sic) They are in league. These children are dangeous wizards and we need to team up to stop them or else they will teach the navi the dark arts. An action line on the screenplay reads, "COLONEL MILES QUARITCH drinks his COFFEE in a tight three quarter shot with a look of consternation on his stern face as he flies through the air. Now that the AVATARS were also WIZARDS, everything changed." Edwin breathes through his mouth as he reads. He then looks up and talks to Kobe from across the room. EDWIN You want to read my script? KOBE Is it really an Avatar and Harry Potter crossover? Thats not like a joke front page or something? EDWIN Yeah! KOBE No.

(CONTINUED)

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8.

EDWIN Why not? KOBE Because that movie will never be made. EDWIN Are you kidding me? Im probably going to make six figures right here. Obviously they arranged this meeting to bid on my HP crossover script. Its just too marketable to pass up. Both very successful movies. In the industry we call that a high concept idea. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Cut to Edwin sitting at the head of a conference table. He is flanked by four men sitting at the same table. TWIN #1 and TWIN #2 are both 20 something agents in sharp suits. BEARD AGENT is in his 40s and has a beard and glasses. OLD AGENT has slicked back silver hair and a tan and is in his late 50s. They are joined by an agent named BARRY on speaker phone. TWIN #1 Edwin, were not here to bid on your script. EDWIN But its a high concept idea! Old Agent smacks Edwin over the head with his own script. EDWIN Ow! OLD AGENT Heres a high concept idea for you, sweatpants; Todays the day were finally going to kill you. TWIN #1 Youve been warned to stay away, Edwin. OLD AGENT Were going to kill you with a cattle gun and get that fat body of yours in five pieces. Then were (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.

OLD AGENT (contd) going to take you to a komodo dragon farm in Stockton. TWIN #2 Thats right. OLD AGENT Then were going to watch them eat you. EDWIN Yeah right. They exchange looks. The men look serious. TWIN #2 Oh, were not going to do it ourselves. TWIN #1 Weve hired someone to do it for us. What do you think all the trash bags are for? EDWIN Barry, help! BARRY (speaker phone) Say your prayers, Edwin. EDWIN Why do you guys want to kill me? What have I ever done to you? The men erupt in indignation. TWIN #1 Edwin, you interrupted my wedding to get me to read a live action Ducktales script. OLD AGENT You hid a half-eaten burrito in my office! BEARD AGENT You interrupted my sons bris- or should I say daughter now, thanks to you!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

10.

BARRY (speaker phone) You keep ambushing me in the fuckin toilet! TWIN #2 Youre the master of the toilet ambush. BEARD AGENT Do you think Francis Ford Coppola had to crawl into a bathroom stall with another man and beg him to read The Godfather? OLD AGENT I had to cancel all my monday appointments because of you and your burrito! The smell was terrible! I lost the guy who ended up selling the script to Battleship! You owe me twenty thousand dollars you little... burrito hiding goon! Ill hide a burrito up your ass after I fucking kill you! TWIN #1 You make our lives miserable and you need to die. A tense moment passes. Edwins life flashes before his eyes as he realizes he is about to die. EDWIN I know that we havent always seen eye to eye... but if we could all just calm down... step back... and... read, like, just the first 60 pages or so together... The tension dissolves into incredulity as the agents realize that Edwin is going to make them suffer through one final script pitch before he dies. Edwin struggles to gather and articulate his bad ideas, the sentences petering weakly off into mumbles. TWIN #1 Really? Think about this, Edwin. Are you really willing to bet your life on "Harry Potter and the Navi Prince?"

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: EDWIN ...both very successful movies, and, the crossover appeal... BEARD AGENT I dont even need to read this script to know it sucks. How the hell would Harry Potter and Avatar even exist in the same universe? EDWIN ...an interdimensional rift that sucks in Harry, Ron and Hermione... and also Snape... OLD AGENT Youve hidden your last burrito, shitlord. Im going to enjoy watching you die. EDWIN ...and at first, they dont like each other, but as the story progresses... TWIN #2 You literally cant pitch a script to save your life. SECRETARY (intercom) Jamie, theres a Mr. Sergio here to see you. TWIN #1 Thats it, thats him. (to the intercom) Send him in. Thank fucking God.

11.

The men agree and share a moment of relief, happy that they never have to sit through another pitch from Edwin. EDWIN If you dont like the script, I have another one at home, if one of you could give me a ride. BEARD AGENT Save it for the devil, Edwin! TWIN #1 The only way youre getting out alive is if you promise to fuck off for good. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

12.

TWIN #2 And you gotta sign... TWIN #1 Yeah, we have papers for you to sign, saying that youre gonna fuck off and never bother us again. SERGIO briskly enters the room, a professional looking man with naturally tan skin and black hair. OLD AGENT Sergio, good to see you! SERGIO Good morning, gentlemen. BEARD AGENT As you can plainly see, Sergio is a well trained, highly talented South American assassin... EDWIN Hey, dont I know you from somewhere? SERGIO I dont know what jou are talking about. EDWIN Arent you a waiter at the Olive Garden? SERGIO No, Im not. EDWIN Yeah! You sang happy birthday to me! And you yelled at me because I wouldnt put on the stupid birthday hat! TWIN #1 Hurry up and kill him, Sergio. Take out your gun and blow his head off. SERGIO I have no idea what jou are talking about.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: EDWIN What the fuck is it to you whether I put the hat on or not? Are you an Olive Garden shareholder or something? SERGIO We give you a free piece of cake, the least you can do is put on the fuckin hat, okay? EDWIN Im not a dancing monkey! I have dignity! SERGIO Youre wearing socks with sandals! You dont get to have dignity! TWIN #1 Hes supposed to be an actor. TWIN #2 He was supposed to scare you. OLD AGENT And we were supposed to take him to the Viper Room with us tonight, but since he fucked up I guess he can just stay home and fuck his little brother. SERGIO Aw come on guys, its not my fault! (to Edwin) You cost me big, fatty! Im going to wait for you in the parking lot and smash your head in with my make-up kit! TWIN #1 Take a walk! TWIN #2 Take a walk, Sergio!

13.

Sergio stalks out of the room, glaring at Edwin. Edwin is pleased to have sniffed that one out. EDWIN Ha ha, very funny guys. Seriously though I think hed be good to audition for a very interesting part in HPATNP...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

14.

BEARD AGENT No! No! Shut up! Shut up! Stop talking! We dont want to read your screenplay! OLD AGENT We dont want to read any of your fucking screenplays! TWIN #1 Time for plan B, boys. Looks like well be here a while. The men groan and quickly produce notes from folders on the tables in front of them. Man #3 flings himself to the ground at Edwins feet and begs tearfully. BEARD AGENT Please, Edwin. Dear God Edwin please just let the dream die. Just let it die! TWIN #1 Ok, let us break this down for you. Youre the worst writer Ive ever seen. You dont have a single clue about what people want to see at the movies and on TV. OLD AGENT Where the fuck do I start?! BARRY (speaker phone) You suck, Edwin. BEARD AGENT Let despair win! Just stop! Stop writing! TWIN #2 You cant spell. OLD AGENT Your vocabulary is terrible! Youre terrible with dialogue! All your characters sound like basement dwelling mutants! BEARD AGENT And you dont ever stop coming!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

15.

TWIN #2 Youre a prolific writer of shit. We tell you to fuck off and you come back with something that stinks even worse four days later. EDWIN Ive been hearing this for the past ten years. You know you cant make me give up. Im very good at taking criticism. TWIN #2 Tuning out people who are trying to help you is the opposite of that. Youre terrible at taking criticism. TWIN #1 Edwin, let me make you a deal. I know a guy wholl show you a good time with some ladies TWIN #2 A prostitute. BEARD AGENT Ill give you 200 dollars. OLD AGENT Ill give you all my grandsons pokemon cards. TWIN #1 200 dollars, a whack of stolen pokemon cards and you get to lose your virginity. EDWIN How did you know I was a virgin? TWIN #1 Just sign the dotted line and well get you fixed up. The men all watch Edwin in a moment of desperate tension.

16. ACT 2 EXT. PUBLIC LIBRARY - DUSK The sun is going down over a still-active public library. INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY CONFERENCE ROOM - DUSK EDWIN is sitting at a table in a library conference room during a writers workshop class. He is sitting next to his friends at the back of the class: SARAH, an awkward girl in her late twenties, and DOUG, an underweight version of Edwin. The class is listening to JANINE, an ex-hippie in her fifties, the instructor. She wears a NAME TAG. JANINE Every series or film or novel needs a strong main character, or protagonist. Camera on Edwin. Hes focused entirely on his LAPTOP in front of him, typing at a brisk pace. JANINE This protagonist needs to be likable, since the audience will be spending most of the story following them around. We take a look at what Edwins writing on his laptop. Hes finishing writing out a massive wall of text on a public message board. "Literally all women are massive whores who are intimidated by my intellect, which is why Im currently single." He turns nonchalantly in his rotating chair and faces a series of classroom shelves behind him. He retrieves a HALF EATEN BURRITO from inside of a HOLLOWED-OUT WINDOWS 3 USER MANUAL. He rotates back to his laptop and begins to unwrap it. JANINE Its possible for this protagonist to not be likable at all, and be considered whats called an anti-hero. Thats fine, but you at least need to give the audience a reason to root for him to succeed against the opposition he faces in the story. Edwin struggles to open a packet of hot sauce. He lets out a nasal cry as the packet explodes all over his laptop.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

17.

JANINE The key word is sympathy. You have to make this unlikable guy or gal sympathetic to the reader or audience. Edwin begins to suck on his fingers as Sarah helpfully provides some Dennys branded napkins from her pencil case. Noticing that Edwin is too busy with his burrito, Sarah begins to clean off the keyboard. JANINE You have to make them go through the same kind of things that you, and I, and everyone outside of this room have to go through every day, so that the audience will connect with them. Sarah accidentally presses a key which causes a piece of art Edwin was working on to come to the top window. Its a poorly drawn cartoon of an anthropomorphic wolf with rainbow colored wings and a two foot spiked wolf schlong dripping with mysterious fluids. EDWIN (muffled by mouthful of burrito) What are you doing?? Edwin swats Sarah away from the computer. MARTIN, a diminutive man in his 30s with his shirt tucked into his jeans, raises his hand. JANINE Yes Martin? MARTIN What if you want to do the opposite? Like, you have a protagonist that you hate, so you can watch him fail? Edwin returns to his laptop and begins typing with hot-sauce reddened fingers. He edits his sentence, erasing "Literally" and replacing it with the word "Virtually", so that it reads "Virtually all women are massive whores..." JANINE Wh...why would you want to watch that?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

18.

MARTIN Because its funny. JANINE How is that funny? Its just delighting in hatred and cruelty. Its sick. The protagonist is a human being, with humanity, not some kind of... non-humanoid, punching bag shaped... object. MARTIN Its called cringe humor. You feel the shame and embarrassment and you laugh your ass off. JANINE People dont watch TV or movies to cringe at them. MARTIN Yeah, and people dont eat duck liver because it tastes good. JANINE When I read your writing, rare delicacy doesnt come to mind. Its more like a deep fried piece of batter with nothing inside it. Martin and Janine continue to argue. DOUG Hey Edwin, can I have some of that burrito? EDWIN Theres not enough left, Doug. DOUG I have some onion rings stashed in non-fiction I could let you have. EDWIN Fuck off Doug! SARAH Whats all the paper for, Edwin? She points at a thick pile of SCREENPLAYS that are out on the table.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

19.

EDWIN I met a guy whos interested in reading my work. SARAH Who? EDWIN Hes an actor I met at an agents place. Maybe hell sign on and from there we can take it to producers. DOUG I think thatll only work if hes a really important actor, like Robert De Niro or something. SARAH Is it Robert De Niro? EDWIN Maybe. DOUG Its not Robert De Niro. EDWIN I said maybe! SARAH Can we come too, Edwin? EDWIN Ok, but dont say anything! EXT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Establishing shot of a restaurant exterior. INT. RESTAURANT BOOTH - NIGHT KOBE, the guy from the agents waiting room, is sitting down in a booth. EDWIN, SARAH and DOUG arrive and join him. KOBE Hey guys. Hows it going? None of them answer.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

20.

KOBE So youre Edwins writer friends, huh? SARAH Yeah... Kobe watches all of them in an awkward moments silence. KOBE O...kay. Kobe waves over the waitress. KOBE You guys hungry? They all shrug and mumble. A WAITRESS arrives WAITRESS Hey guys, welcome to (name of resturaunt)! My names Jeanette and Ill be your server this evening. Can I start you off with some drinks? EDWIN Id like a plain hamburger. DOUG I want half a glass bottle of coke, and I dont want to be charged for the full bottle. WAITRESS Im sorry, we dont have bottled coke. We have a fountain drinks, though. DOUG No. EDWIN Just a hamburger with absolutely nothing on it. SARAH May I have a small sundae? WAITRESS One at a time, guys!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: DOUG I want cookies too. EDWIN We want you to know up front that we dont tip, by the way. SARAH Could you also bring some wet naps?

21.

The waitress gets a dead inside look that would creep out even the most jaded porn-watcher. She leaves. Kobe calls desperately after her. KOBE Im gonna tip and Id like a beer please! Kobe reaches under his cheap sport coat and produces a flask, which he nips from a good three or four times. DOUG Is that soda? KOBE Yeah. DOUG Thats cool. EDWIN I need one of those. Id sneak soda into the movies. SARAH You could put other stuff in there too. KOBE Hey, this flask has a story. It was on Michael Richards the night he went full Hitler at The Laugh Factory. They laugh nervously at Kobes story. KOBE Yeah, he decided to give it away. Said he saw one of the guys he was shrieking at put a voodoo curse on it. Awkward silence. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

22.

KOBE Im just kidding, by the way. DOUG It would be hard to sneak half an open bottle of coke into a movie theater though. It would spill everywhere. Kobe laughs. EDWIN Just get a plastic bottle. DOUG I dont want to put my lips on plastic. It tastes weird. KOBE Hey, I feel the same way about fake boobs. Icy, icy awkward silence. Kobe clears his throat. KOBE So, uh, lets talk about writing. EDWIN Okay. KOBE Hit me with some of your comedy work. Got any funny ideas? Any jokes? Skits? They look at each other. SARAH I dont have any comedy written per se, but I do try and inject a few funny lines into my Doctor Who fan fiction. KOBE Ok. Whats your funniest exchange? SARAH Well, theres a part where The Doctor is talking to a cyberman overlord...

(CONTINUED)

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23.

KOBE Ok. SARAH And the overlord is trying to look really tough and intimidate The Doctor, right? KOBE Right. SARAH And all of a sudden, a cyberman girl shows up and glomps the overlord from behind and says, "Hey, whats up with my Ovie-chan?" Doug and Edwin and Sarah all stifle laughter. SARAH And of course theres a massive sweatdrop. KOBE I dont get it. SARAH In Japanese, chan is an affectionate title given to children, or people youre showing affection to. She shouldve called him Ovie-san instead. EDWIN "San" is like Japanese for "Sir". KOBE No, I, uh, knew that already. I meant I didnt get the sweatdrop thing. EDWIN Its from anime. Whenever someone experiences an embarrassing or awkward situation, they get a big sweatdrop over their head. SARAH (pantomiming) Sweatdrop!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: DOUG Sweatdrop! KOBE (to himself) Sweatdrop... SARAH Here, watch this. Oh Waitress-chan! DOUG (to Kobe) She has no idea why thats inappropriate either! KOBE What a fucking idiot. The waitress returns. WAITRESS What?? Sarah is silent. KOBE Sorry about the no tipping thing, that was a joke. Kobe hands her a ten dollar bill. KOBE Here, let me buy us some drinks. Its on me. What do you guys like? DOUG Does anyone want to split a glass bottle of coke? WAITRESS Hi, yeah, we still dont have those. KOBE How about a rum and coke? DOUG I might not drink all of it though. Or I might want more. KOBE Dont worry, Ill buy you another one.

24.

(CONTINUED)

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25.

SARAH Ill take a girl drink, please. EDWIN (daring) I... I kind of feel like having a beer, guys. KOBE Thats good to hear. Time lapse cut. Doug, Sarah and Edwin are trashed off their drink (singular). EDWIN So it turns out the person jerking him off every weekend at the massage parlor was really a man in a wig. KOBE You mean a transsexual? EDWIN No. KOBE A man in a wig. EDWIN Yeah. KOBE (pause) Mustve been a pretty good wig. EDWIN Im not judging. Men can have smooth, silky hands too. This one didnt, though. He used to be a brick layer. KOBE This economy is tough for everyone. SARAH Edwin, were gonna go. Doug and I are having a bad reaction to the alcohol. KOBE Oh shit, are you guys allergic? Im sorry. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

26.

Doug mumbles something about having a bad trip. Kobe stifles laughter. Doug and Sarah leave without saying anything. KOBE Nice people. EDWIN Yeah. Dougs been an asshole ever since he got published, though. KOBE Oh really? What did he do? EDWIN He wrote a joke that got used on The Big Bang Theory. Made a hundred bucks and everything. KOBE Howd the joke go? EDWIN Went well enough. The audience laughed. KOBE No, I mean, what was the joke? EDWIN Oh. (pause) Um... Oh. Ok. So Sheldon is on his computer playing World Of Warcraft at home, and everyones sitting around in the living room, right? And so Sheldon gets up to leave, and while hes gone, one of the guys gets on his computer and renames his Warcraft character "Smelldon". Kobe looks unimpressed. KOBE Bazinga. EDWIN Oh, so you saw the episode? KOBE Listen, that jokes not funny. But your stories are funny. Kobe pours Edwin some beer from their PITCHER.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: EDWIN Really? KOBE Yeah. Youre actually a pretty interesting guy. What other things do you like to do? Edwin and Kobe continue to chat. INT. EDWINS HOUSE - DAY

27.

EDWIN sits at a table writing on a laptop. He looks tired from his all-nighter with Kobe. Edwins 50 year old mom HELEN is at the same table, and she is also on a laptop. Edwins dog approaches and stares at him. EDWIN What? They get into a staring contest. EDWIN Oh. Ok... Edwin averts his eyes to the floor. The dog struts away. HELEN How was your meeting, baby? EDWIN They tried to get me to quit again. I didnt cave, though. HELEN Good for you, Edwin! Youre very good at taking criticism. EDWIN Thats what I said! (pause) Mom, do you think maybe Im not meant to be a writer? Like... maybe Im not good enough? Maybe I just dont have it in me? HELEN Edwin, you can be whatever you want to be. EDWIN Yeah, but... youve been saying that since I was a kid, and Im still not a writer. (CONTINUED)

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28.

HELEN Dreams take a long time to realize, honey. All you can do is just ignore all the voices telling you that you cant do it, that you cant write, that you suck, that you smell bad, and just plow on forward. EDWIN Thanks mom! EDWIN By the way, Edwin, your father is starting a new prescription and hes going through a few changes. So try and be patient with him, alright? EDWIN Okay... Edwins father JIM enters the kitchen. Hes an unnaturally jacked, bald older man who looks like he works out all the time. He is whats known as scary muscular. Think "Macho Man" Randy Savage. He has a full beard and wears terrible clothing typically seen in a weight room. Edwin jumps up from his chair upon sighting him. EDWIN Who the hell are you? JIM You dont recognize your own dad? EDWIN Dad?! JIM Goddamn right! How do I look? HELEN Are you sure youre following the prescription? JIM Helen baby girl, Im not gonna let a pharmacist tell me what to do with my own body. HELEN How much of it did you take?

(CONTINUED)

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29.

JIM All of them! HELEN All of them?? JIM I took all the steroids! EDWIN Where did you get those clothes from? JIM Im on my way to the gym. Listen, Edwin, were kicking you out of the house. EDWIN What?! JIM I already got you a place in Compton. First and last months rent is paid for. HELEN When were you going to discuss this with me?! JIM I know a guy who can give you a job to pay the bills but if you fuck that up, youre on your own. EDWIN I cant get a job! I suck! JIM You suck because youre not motivated, son. Now youre motivated! Youre welcome. Edwins younger brother GORD enters the kitchen. He looks like a slightly younger Edwin. GORD Im keeping the fleshlight! EDWIN Fuck you, Gord, that thing is half mine!

(CONTINUED)

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30.

GORD I payed the shipping so its more mine than yours! EDWIN Shit, man, Im probably going to need to sell that thing for food! GORD Give me thirty five dollars then! EDWIN I dont have thirty five dollars! GORD Then I dont care! EDWIN You fucking asshole! Gord and Edwin get into a brawl. They are poor fighters. JIM Yeah! This is what I like to see! HELEN Boys! JIM Let them figure it out themselves! The passion! The desire! Who wants it more?! Gord and Edwin get tired and both decide to stop fighting at the same time. Theyre winded. JIM Jesus Christ, youre giving up?! EDWIN (simultaneously) You win... GORD (simultaneously) Youve won this round... EDWIN No I won. GORD You said it first.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

31.

EDWIN Shut up. GORD I hate you Edwin. EDWIN Give us water, Mom. GORD Me first. EDWIN I cant wait to get out of here. GORD I cant wait for you to get out of here too. JIM Youre next, Gord! You got two years to pull your head out of your ass starting today! GORD Da-ad! HELEN Do you want Sunny Delight or Mountain Dew? Edwin storms out. Jim calls after him. JIM Ill text you the address, well have you moved in tonight! (pause) You got bus fare buddy? ACT 3 EXT. NORTH HOLLYWOOD COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT The sun is going down and EDWIN is despondently wandering the streets of North Hollywood. He arrives at a comedy club and we can hear KOBEs voice over a microphone and the laughter of a packed house. Recognizing the voice, Edwin scowls in confusion and walks inside the club.

32. INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT EDWIN enters the comedy club and notices performing stand up. Kobe is wearing the Edwin had on when they got drinks at the night. Half of the crowd is hostile, and is dying of laughter. KOBE on stage exact same outfit resturaunt last half of the crowd

KOBE The women in these films are beautiful creatures, theyre not prostitutes. Prostitutes are terrible people. Dont ever go to VIP escorts dot com. I got a date from a woman on that site, she was incredibly rude and impossible to please. I spent two hundred dollars on dinner and a movie and she refused to sleep with me at the end of the night. Said she had a headache. Yeah. Theres absolutely no expectation of professionalism with that job. They can just slam the door shut in your face and youre fucked. Or not fucked, as it were. (pause) Why are you laughing? (pause) Thats not the joke. "Edwin Thomas" groans wearily. KOBE Well whatever, this is going to be my last night doing this ever. Half of the audience cheers, half awws in disappointment. KOBE My friend Kobe said this would be a good experience for me. (snorts) Its not. Hey are there any athiests in the audience? I have a quote here for you, and any theist sheep that want to be enlightened. Someone kills the mic from a soundboard. KOBE Hey, Im not done yet. Im not leaving. A tiny Chinese woman comes on stage and menaces Kobe with a rolled up newspaper. He runs, escaping to a room deeper in the club. The audience laughs and applauds, having genuinely enjoyed his set. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: Edwin is confused. EDWIN So he was wearing a disguise to steal stories from me? I probably wouldve told him anyway. EXT. NORTH HOLLYWOOD COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT KOBE emerges from the comedy club, still in his Edwin costume. EDWIN is waiting for him. KOBE Oh hey, what are you doing here? EDWIN You stole my stories you son of a bitch! KOBE Hey, in my story, the prostitute wasnt a leper, so... no I didnt. EDWIN You owe me money! KOBE Youre right Edwin, I do. I do owe you. Here, you want fifty percent of what I made tonight? EDWIN Ok. KOBE Ok. Let me just reach into my pocket and take out all the money I made tonight...

33.

Kobe reaches into his pocket before pulling from it a middle finger. He then opens it demonstratively. KOBE I made nothing, it was an open mic night. EDWIN Oh. KOBE But hey, you killed up there, Edwin. Youre hot right now.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

34.

EDWIN I am? KOBE Yeah. Listen, if I give you a twenty, will you meet me for lunch tomorrow? Edwin considers it. EDWIN Make it thirty five. EXT. EDWINS APARTMENT BUILDING - DUSK Night is falling on a three or four story apartment building deep in the heart of Compton. Police SIRENS are heard in the distance, along with a completely unrealistic and out of place MACHINE GUN SALVO and WILHELM SCREAM. Whoevers doing the SFX really wants you to know that this is a dangerous part of town. INT. EDWINS APARTMENT - DUSK EDWIN sits on a small, ratty looking couch as movers finish putting down boxes and furniture. One MOVER approaches Edwin. MOVER I think thats everything. EDWIN Ok thanks. There is a long, awkward pause. MOVER How about a tip so we can get something to eat? EDWIN Uh... Edwin moves towards the boxes and rummages through them. He finds a packaged action figure. EDWIN Here, this is a collectors edition Naruto action figure. Its worth 10 bucks right now but if you hold onto it for like five or ten or (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: EDWIN (contd) twelve years you could make some serious cash. MOVER I dont want this. EDWIN (pause, confused) Why not?

35.

The mover furrows his eyebrows incredulously and shakes his head, dropping the figure on the floor before leaving. Edwin moves to his couch and sits down. He opens a laptop on a coffee table in front of him. EDWIN Now that Ive been through this ordeal and made some progress in my life, maybe my writing will be a little deeper and richer for the experience. We see Edwin writing in the title page of a screenplay on his laptop. "Monopoly: The Movie". He quickly gets to page one and continues to type. "SFX: LOUD DUBSTEP MUSIC. POSSIBLE MR. MONEYBAGS: BRAD PITT, WILLEM DAFOE, RYAN GOSLING". He is interrupted by a phone. He answers. EDWIN Hello? MAN (phone) Hi, is this Edwin? EDWIN Yes... MAN (phone) Hi, this is Matt, your fathers friend and your new boss. EDWIN Oh, right, this is about the job. MAN (phone) Yeah. Still interested? Edwin stares at his laptop screen. His mouse cursor hovers hesitantly on the x at the top right of his writing software. He is making a decision. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

36.

MAN (phone) Hello? Edwin decides instead to fly over to the save button, which he furiously and repeatedly mashes down on. EDWIN Im fine actually. You can give the job to someone else. MAN (phone) Are ya sure? Edwin is typing. "POLICEMAN: So youre saying being sent directly to jail was part of your plan all along??" EDWIN Oh yeah Im sure. Cut to an exterior shot of Edwins new home in Compton after dark.