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How To Deal With Attention by Brendan Corbett
How To Deal With Attention by Brendan Corbett
This book, Learn How To Deal With Public Attention is Copyright 2010 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy, distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or in part, or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative works of this book, unless you have consent from the author.
When the attention is on us, our thoughts are consumed by the fear of others opinions, criticisms and judgements. It is a common worry that causes anxiety and prevents us from doing most things by avoiding them. We have to wonder: If we didnt worry about the attention from others, what kind of things would we do? How often would we risk, try, fail and persist?
- Brendan Corbett
C o n te n t s
BEFORE YOU BEGIN THE TWO BOOKS EXPLAINED
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You may not have consciously thought about Public Attention preventing you from doing certain things, so here is a thought provoking section for you to step back and see what feelings and behaviours it causes you to do. 1.2 HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE? 12
It doesnt matter where you are at, what is important is how do you want to be? Imagine how your life would be if you could do whatever you wanted without much thought about public or social consequences. 1.3 WHAT ELSE COULD BE STOPPING YOU? 18
Is there something physical holding you back? If the chance to do something is right there in front of you, then its a case of you getting in your own way and convincing yourself not to do it. We need to change that.
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Whether it is extreme social anxiety, an average person, or a performer who struggles in other contexts- it is all the same process inside their minds. Sometimes understanding is enough to override the reactions.
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If you didnt have language, you would still have feelings. This section focuses on the evolutionary instincts within us that cause us to feel some discomfort or anxiety in certain public contexts. 2.3 THE POWER OF CONTEXT AND COMPARISON 45
Now that you have a better understanding, you can start to question where you are holding back. We can all feel okay in certain situations until something extra is involved. Why is that? And what is yours? Start to contrast situations and realise the differences. 2.4 SUMMARY NOTES 49
Part One and Part Two were all about theory and understanding. It can sometimes be hard to take in a lot of content and take notes. So here is a brief overview so that you can recap at any time after you have read the chapters.
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You understand the cycle, and you know we cant possibly go through each context one by one- it would be too time consuming. Lets take a look at how you see yourself and how that affects your anxiety and thinking. 3.2 THE METHODS AND STRATEGIES 62
You would assume there is a huge list of ways to help. Well, in actual fact, there are only a few real ways to change your thinking processes and perception of self. Here is a brief description of them and how they work. 3.3 A RECAP OF THE STRATEGY 72
You know the feelings and behaviours, and you also know the strategies on how to not have Public Attention be an issue for you. Here is a summary and model of how it should all fit together. Then in Part Four you will can apply it.
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There is no point trying to do something unless you know you really want to do it. How do you get motivated? Its different for everybody, but when the vision and feeling is there it compels us to go do anything we need to. 4.2 PRACTICAL #2: CHANGING YOUR SELF-PERCEPTION 92
It is often down to an inner issue. That means you can do these in the comfort of your own home. Start to believe in other possibilities and results. Learn to use your imagination, but in the right way. 4.3 PRACTICAL #3: HANDLING ANY NEGATIVE 102
Everybody on some level is apprehensive about being criticised, challenged, judged, looking stupid etc. We cant avoid these happening, so it is up to us to be able to securely handle any attention when they occur. 4.4 PRACTICAL #4: COMPLETE SOCIAL AND PUBLIC FREEDOM 109
Take a list and see how far you are willing to forget public attention and negative feelings to do what you want to do. How many things A FINAL WORD CONTACT AND FEEDBACK
You probably assume this book is focussed on learning how to conquer stage fright and give a kick-ass presentation without any fear or anxiety. After all, up on stage is where you get the mass exposure to public attention. However, being able to get up on stage with ease is not the primary focus of this book, although it is something you will be able to achieve. My focus in this book is to help those who feel anxious and uncomfortable in their dayto-day lives. Anxiety doesnt only happen up on a stage in front of an audience. People can experience it and have it as a recurring feeling in multiple scenarios. Think about the possible situations: starting a college class for the first time; going on a date; having an interview; eating in public; showing your creativity; going shopping; talking to new people and groups; doing something new. These are all scenarios that involve public attention. That is they are exposed to people and are open to judgement and potential embarrassment. We all have varying degrees of anxiety in these kinds of public and social situations. You may even feel that it doesnt bother you. It ranges from the person with extreme social anxiety, to the average person who feels anxious in certain contexts, and beyond to the performers who you would think are extremely confident, but they too have some form of anxiety in other contexts.
I have always used a common example based on attraction. We can talk to somebody we are not attracted too fairly easily. But with somebody we actually find attractive, suddenly we start to get these feelings. We get the queasy stomach and the nerves. We feel anxious about risking messing it up and saying/doing the wrong thing.
It can reach a point where we feel embarrassed with photos and being on film. Why do
we feel so self-conscious? How can we hate our image so much and not allow others to see us for what we are?
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So, this book works towards helping you with your self-image, thus allowing you to feel comfortable and less anxious when you are involved in public/social situations. At least then you wont let the feelings of anxiety hold you back. You wont have consistent behaviours like avoiding situations, sabotaging your efforts, and shying away from exposure and attention. NOTE: I have to offer you this word of warning. Because this book is for feeling comfortable with public attention, I wouldnt want you to go to the extreme and think, Im free! Woohoo! Lets
go streaking!
It doesnt have to go to the extreme just to prove a point. As long as you achieve comfort through everyday circumstances and situations, and you can easily do the things you want to do, then you will have accomplished the goal this book has set out for you.
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You will feel confident in what people see in you, and that alone can rid you of a lot of anxiety and discomfort in the presence of others. I imagine we would get on with doing a lot more if we knew nobody could see us.
AN IMPORTANT NOTE
I do not know your specific situation. I do not know what previous history you have had; any medical issues/treatment; your personality and character; or the experiences you have been through. I have written this book in a generalised way. The same principles will apply for anybody, except the methods and the strategies may be different to achieve the same outcome. With that in mind, I would like you to approach reading this book with the idea that you are responsible for overcoming whatever feelings you have in regards to public attention/social anxiety. Some people may require an individual approach and a personal helping hand. However, it will always be the same prime method, which is learning to change how you think- and only you can do that for yourself.
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PART ONE
SELF-ANALYSIS
Know Where You Are Right Now Define How You Would Like To Be Discover What Is Stopping You
PUBLIC SPEAKING
I mentioned in the introduction this book is about dealing with Public Attention and NOT Public Speaking. Many people fear public speaking, but I believe the same feelings people feel when called upon to do a speech or presentation are also felt in every day situations. But why does public speaking always hit the top 10 list of things most feared? Its not because of the mechanics behind it. Anybody can prepare a speech or presentation if they took the time to learn how. So it is not a fear of the speaking itself, but more about the consequences of speaking in front of an audience. That is the underlying fear. We can agree that we all do embarrassing things and mess up. For example, if you drop the tomato sauce at home you would probably have a giggle to yourself and clean up the mess. But if you drop it in a public place where the entire restaurant turns around and looks at you, you are suddenly overwhelmed with multiple physical symptoms. You get the reddening of the face; the queasy stomach, the feeling of shrinking down; the sweaty palms; the tension in your throat; the amplified sound of the smash.
By contrasting the situations in this way, it makes you realise speaking wasnt the actual root cause of the anxiety. The fear comes from the anticipation of potential disaster, but that only happens when people are looking. So, if you asked me to define Why do people fear public speaking? I would answer that the fear is not about being up on stage or giving the speech. We can all stand on a stage without an audience. We can all practice a speech with nobody around. The fear comes from the PUBLIC ATTENTION we receive. It is only when you know all eyes are fixated on you that you become vulnerable. You are open to all of the opinions, judgements and scrutiny.
But it becomes even more intense for you if you believe that all of the opinions and judgements will be negative and exaggerated.
Some other fears to hit the Top Ten list are fears such as REJECTION, FAILURE and INTIMACY- all of which involve other people. Do you really fear rejection and failure? You can send in for a competition and get rejected/lose without any real concern. Nobody saw or knew about it. Its completely different though if you get rejected face-to-face by somebody else with others around you. You see, attention happens to us all of the time. That is why I decided not to draw my efforts on public speaking alone. I wanted to tackle the issue whereby people can comfortably handle ANY public attention, whether it is dropping a plate in a restaurant; going on a first date; dealing with failure of rejection; attending an interview; giving a speech at a gathering. We break the patterned cycle that causes it to become exaggerated and overwhelming discomfort.
All of the above cause attention from others. We should be able to feel comfortable regardless of how many people have their eyes on us.
the mirror practicing at home. On the surface level this appears to be the reason for their panic, but the real reason behind it is they really dont want to embarrass themselves during all that attention. That is what it really the true concern and worry. If the speech really is going to be too unbearable for you, then you may find yourself trying any means to get out of it. This is known as sabotage. Its amazing how creative we can be when the situation calls for it. We can think of many excuses on the spot. If you cant get out of it, then you may write your speech word for word and bury yourself into the paper youve written it on. You would sabotage your efforts to play it safe and rush through it. Then you would rationalise, It wasnt that important anyway. Just to soften the blow. These behaviours are similar to what people do in other situations without realising it. Approaching somebody you fancy is another perfect example. A friend may encourage you to go do it, but you say things like: What do I say? In this instance the discomfort for you is the potential public rejection. Even if it is only between the two of you, it could still feel like the whole world is watching. But you can argue the actual act of talking to somebody is relatively easy, only it changes when there is something on the line (i.e. being rejected by somebody you are showing an interest in). That alone changes the context of the situation, yet I am sure you can talk to your friends completely fine, right? So ask yourself: What situations or contexts do you avoid or feel anxious in? What situations
cause you to behave in this way? Both the date and speech examples are enough evidence to suggest it is not the actual doing them that worries us. It is the potential public consequences and attention drawn on us that triggers our feelings.
Say for instance you have joined a gym. It was a struggle at first to even step through the door, but you knew it was something you had to do. It doesnt end there for you. The ways in which you think about yourself causes you to feel like people in there are judging you in a negative way. Now, as a result, you feel if people are looking at you, you have to put on a good image. While you are on the treadmill you try your best to not show your sweat or that you are out of breath after only five minutes. You may even sabotage it and cut the session short or miss out a few until you get the motivation to get involved again. So yes, you are at the gym and you havent avoided it, but it still feels like an uncomfortable struggle for you, regardless of how many times you have gone and done it. This is why sometimes practice and repetition does not make us confident. We need to handle the psychology behind it.
Tolerance is difficult to observe in yourself because you are still moving forward and getting on with things. So ask yourself, how often do you feel insecure and anxious but you just face it?
We can no doubt get through life without much call for speeches and being up on stage. I mean, who in their right mind would step up to get in front of an audience? But in every day life we are still faced with social and public situations. We shouldnt have to tolerate them. Be honest- Do some situations make you feel more anxious than others?
People who have Social Anxiety will find it hard to discuss their problem because that in itself is embarrassing. It often reaches a point where avoiding most if not all social situations is the only solution, unless they are motivated enough to tolerate their anxiety and just try to get on with it. But we have to look at a person with social anxiety to understand the behaviours to an extreme. In our own little heads we can be brilliant at rationalising our behaviours. You may have fleeting thoughts such as, Do I really have to go on that date tonight? This dinner party is going to be a pain anyway. That presentation wont matter much. Ill just get out of it. We can be flippant with our excuses, but we have to look at the underlying behaviours. With that kind of doubtful thinking we are drawing a discreet veil over the fact we are trying to get away with something. We do this because we know it is going to be an uncomfortable experience. So we need to stop conjuring up these excuses and mentally stroking ourselves by saying It is okay. It is not so bad if I dont do it.
This approach shows you how the added factor of being around people changes how you feel, and to what extent. It is only a basic example because other factors could play a role in what causes you to feel anxious and uncomfortable. I understand that it is not only Public Attention and Social Phobia that causes anxiety. We can feel it for a number of reasons, so the lines between what is the actual root and cause can sometimes be a bit blurred. However, to keep it simple, let us focus on this area. Lets see what changes when we no longer have it as an issue and we take it out of the equation. As you progress through this book you will become to understand on a deeper level what I am referring to.
You will notice when you are alone you feel little anxiety or no uncomfortable feelings, unless you are thinking and anticipating something, like an interview or a date or an event etc. Its this added factor that can trigger off our fears of everything else. Its hard to feel anxious when you are alone, in the same way its often hard to laugh when we do not have company. Ironically, a laugh is a natural response for us when we feel uncomfortable and nervous. Our bodies are just wired this way, but more of this in another chapter. You know what the anxiety feels like. Therefore, I ask you now to think back and remember times when you were anxious in your own personal life. What contexts does it occur for you? Can you rate the levels? What were you thinking and anticipating to happen to cause it? I do not expect a huge list where you mentally exhaust yourself. Just use it to become aware of it. Do you avoid talking to the person you fancy and let the opportunity slip by? Do the time leading up to an important interview get more excruciating, causing you to put everything else off as you thought about it over and over?
If you believe in consequences like these, then it is no wonder you feel uncomfortable and would rather avoid/tolerate situations. Nobody would want to go through that by choice. However, you may not consciously think that way. You may think passively to try and disguise the real reasons. You soften it with thoughts like: I dont really need to go to that class anyway. I can leave it. We probably wouldnt be right for each other anyway. Plenty more fish in the sea. Ill just write up the speech and get it over with. Nobody will care much. I didnt really like going to the gym. Ill just go jogging instead....in the dark.
Try not to be too passive and live in denial when thinking about this. Use the public attention as your primary cause of your avoidance or sabotage. The feeling is more common than you think; only people choose to not express it in that way. And remember, anxiety is a patterned response by the way we think and anticipate something. We dont feel it unless we notice something. So it doesnt matter how big your list is. You shouldnt think to yourself, Oh My God this is huge!! and become overwhelmed.
Once you understand the process that causes anxiety, it will apply to every situation you feel it in. Next...Gaining More Leverage And A Vision Of How You Would Like To Be.
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ACTION STEP
Define situations where you feel anxious or the thought of doing it makes you feel uncomfortable, in ways such as: worry, panic, stress, doubt and fear. Also, think of situations where it has caused you to avoid them, or you have sabotaged it and softened the blow of it to yourself. Get an idea of how has been affecting you but without you even realising it.
CONCLUSION
Feelings: Worry, Panic, Doubt, Stress, Fear Physical Symptoms (examples) Shaking, Tension, Hard Breathing, Flushing of the face... Behaviours: Avoidance, Sabotage, and Tolerance You should not focus solely on situations and choices you have avoided. We can still get on with life with the anxiety, only we try to tolerate it. That can sometimes become a struggle. Define where and when you have these recurring thoughts and feelings. It is in our biology to avoid anything which may be uncomfortable, so how has it been causing you to behave? Regardless of what you say, the reason for your discomfort (more often than not) happens because other people are involved. We can all mess up when nobody is watching and feel totally fine about it. It doesnt have to always be negative attention that feels uncomfortable. Any attention can be bad depending on how you think about yourself. Have a reality check, step back, and really be honest about how it has been affecting your life.
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QUESTIONS
If you have any personal questions or feedback, then you can send me an e-mail through The Contact Page on the website. Just scroll to Brendan Corbett in the form box.
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