Hamlet, Abridged // NHS Promo

By
Lauren Guiteras
INT. CLASSROOM. DAY
LAUREN and SAM are studying at a table covered in NOTEBOOKS
and SCHOOL SUPPLIES. SAM looks up from her book.

SAM
Lauren, can you help me with some
English homework, please?
LAUREN
Sure, what are you reading?

SAM
Hamlet.
LAUREN
Oh no way; I love Hamlet! What part
are you on?

SAM
Just on Act 2, but -
LAUREN
Okay, let’s start over from the
beginning. So we’ve got Marcellus,
INSERT: MARCELLUS
MARCELLUS shrugs.

LAUREN (V.O.)
Horatio,
INSERT: HORATIO

HORATIO salutes.
LAUREN (V.O.)
Hamlet,
INSERT: HAMLET

HAMLET waves.
LAUREN (V.O.)
Ophelia,

INSERT: OPHELIA
OPHELIA waves.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

LAUREN (V.O.)
Laertes,

INSERT: LAERTES
LAERTES puts up his finger mustache.
LAUREN (V.O.)
Polonius,

INSERT: POLONIUS
POLONIUS wiggles his eyebrows.
LAUREN (V.O.)
Gertrude,
INSERT: GERTRUDE
GERTRUDE bows her head.

LAUREN (V.O.)
Claudius,
INSERT: CLAUDIUS
CLAUDIUS pops his collar.

LAUREN (V.O.)
andddd the Ghost.
INSERT: GHOST

The GHOST stares.

BACK TO SCENE
LAUREN
So Act 1, scene 1 basically goes
like this:
INSERT: MARCELLUS
MARCELLUS / LAUREN (V.O.)
Ghost!
INSERT: HORATIO
HORATIO / LAUREN (V.O.)
Ghost?

INSERT: THE GHOST

The GHOST glares menacingly.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

INSERT: HORATIO
HORATIO / LAUREN (V.O.)
Ghost!
BACK TO SCENE

LAUREN
And then scene two begins when
Claudius is all, "Whaddup,

INSERT: CLAUDIUS
CLAUDIUS / LAUREN (V.O.)
people of Denmark? This is your
king speaking - and I know - you
don’t want to think of me as a king
because you’re so sad! King Hamlet
is dead! ’Oh no! We’re so sad! King
Hamlet is dead!’ Well you know
what? You gotta let it go, man! He
fell victim to a tragic accident
that nobody could have prevented,
and you’ve got a new king now. And
even though that twit, Fortinbras,
holds a weak supposal of our worth,
we’re gonna show him
BACK TO SCENE

LAUREN
who’s boss.
(now acting as LAERTES)
Claudius, you’re

INSERT: LAERTES
LAERTES / LAUREN (V.O.)
really boring and I’m going to
France. Bye.
INSERT: HAMLET
HAMLET / LAUREN (V.O.)
What?! He gets to go to France but
I don’t get to go to Germany?! I -
I - I HATE you and you’re a little
more than kin and less than kind
and I MISS MY
BACK TO SCENE

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

LAUREN
DADDY!!!
LAUREN pretends to cry.
INSERT: CLAUDIUS

CLAUDIUS / LAUREN (V.O.)

How long are you going to cry over
this? To perservere in obstinate
condolement is a course of impious
stubbornness; ’tis unmanly grief.
SUCK IT UP.
BACK TO SCENE
LAUREN
But then, Horatio approaches, and
he tells Hamlet about the
INSERT: HORATIO
HORATIO / LAUREN (V.O.)
ghost!
INSERT: HAMLET
HAMLET / LAUREN (V.O.)
(still sniffling) Ghost?

BACK TO SCENE
LAUREN
So then, for scene three, we skip
over to where Polonius, Ophelia,
and Laertes are, and Laertes warns
Ophelia about how her relationship
is doomed and then her father says
INSERT: POLONIUS

POLONIUS / LAUREN (V.O.)

Ophelia, this above all: to thy own
father be true. And thy father does
not like thy significant other.

INSERT: OPHELIA
OPHELIA / LAUREN (V.O.)
Father, I know he doesn’t sparkle
like a vampire or anything, but he
hath importuned me with love in
most honorable fashion...though I
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

OPHELIA / LAUREN (V.O.) (cont’d)

suppose I could completely
disregard his devotion to me and
ignore him for the rest of my life
if you don’t like him.
BACK TO SCENE
LAUREN
Now, the scene switches over to
Hamlet and Horatio when they meet
again with the
INSERT: HORATIO

HORATIO / LAUREN (V.O.)

ghost!
INSERT: HAMLET
HAMLET / LAUREN (V.O.)
DADDY!!!
INSERT: THE GHOST
THE GHOST / LAUREN (V.O.)
Son. You are the vengeful Simba to
my Mufasa. And Claudius is my Scar.
INSERT: HAMLET
HAMLET / LAUREN (V.O.)
OH CURSED SPITE I HATE MY LIFE!
BACK TO SCENE
LAUREN
And basically a lot of stuff
happens after that.
INSERT: ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN
LAUREN (V.O.)
These two guys named Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern show up, but
they’re kind of stupid and they
later get their heads chopped off.
INSERT: HAMLET AND CLAUDIUS

LAUREN (V.O.)
Hamlet still can’t make up his mind
on Claudius, and when he finally
decides to act,

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

INSERT: HAMLET AND POLONIUS IN SEPARATE FRAMES

he stabs through a tapestry and
says
HAMLET / LAUREN (V.O.)
How do you like me now, Daddio?!
LAUREN (V.O.)
But then he actually walks over
(HAMLET walks through the frame)
and sees
HAMLET / LAUREN (V.O.)
POLONIUS?! WHAT?!
BACK TO SCENE

LAUREN
And then it’s pretty much downhill
from there. Ophelia falls out of a
tree

INSERT: OPHELIA
OPHELIA falls through two frames.
and dies, as does almost everyone
else. These three witches show up

INSERT: CLAUDIUS AND THREE WITCHES, EACH IN A SEPARATE FRAME

and team up with Claudius to kill
Hamlet and Laertes, Gertrude
accidentally

INSERT: GERTRUDE
imbibes on a poisoned beverage and
lets the world know.
GERTRUDE / LAUREN (V.O.)
I am poisoned!

LAUREN (V.O.)
Meanwhile, Hamlet and Laertes
one-up her and declare
INSERT: HAMLET AND LAERTES IN SEPARATE FRAMES

HAMLET and LAERTES stab each other.

HAMLET AND LAERTES / LAUREN (V.O.)
We are poisoned AND slain!

INSERT: THE GHOST

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

THE GHOST / LAUREN (V.O.)

No, ’tis not too late! By the
supernatural power vested in me, I
close thy wounds and heal thy
spirit, Hamlet! But not you,
Laertes. I don’t like you.
INSERT: HAMLET AND LAERTES IN SEPARATE FRAMES
HAMLET and LAERTES shrug.

HAMLET AND LAERTES / LAUREN (V.O.)

Okay.
LAERTES falls to the floor while HAMLET exits.
BACK TO SCENE

LAUREN
And that’s how it ends.
SAM
...you never read past act one, did
you?
LAUREN awkwardly looks away.
FADE OUT TO TITLE:

"Want REAL help with school? Go to NHS Tutoring in Room 358

every Tuesday and Thursday!"