Christmas Is Not Here

By
Dorian Bartecki

Based on my uncle who when i was 5 showed me how to use tea

bags

INTRO GAG
Game on TV - snowboarding down a mountain they jump and land
on a Santa Claus laying belly up, as the snowboarder lands
on his belly a magical path out of his mouth and a
snowboarder rides on it to the clouds, then it says bonus
level and they have to collect xd energy drinks.
Then when frank crashes through the roof snow starts to fall
through the hole and Franks mum comes up and say I aint
cleaning that. Then it continues as normal. (maybe add snow
and change the font to a more Christmasy).
INT. FRANK AND MARIO HOUSE - DAY
Frank wakes up in his bed and looks to the wall where he has
a calendar it says its 23 of December and a note that says
Arcade Miracle.
Frank rushes out of the bed to wake up Mario.
Frank is now in the corridor.
FRANK
(shouts)
Mario! Mario!
A door to Mario room open. Mario gets out half a sleep.
MARIO
Whats going on?
FRANK
(excited)
Guess what day it is?
MARIO
Thursday?
FRANK
Yeah, but also its 23rd of
December. You know what that
means.(frank puts hands by his
mouth in excitement).
MARIO
Magic Arcade!
FRANK
Hell yeah Magic Arcade. Come on get
dressed and lets go to Arcade
Palace!

2.
Frank goes down stairs. Mario gets out of his room already
dressed and looks at him self confused, why did frank tell
him to get dressed.
INT. ARCADE PALACE
establishing shot of the arcade palace.
Frank and Mario enter the arcade. JESSICA is sitting by the
bar, waiting for frank. Frank and Mario pass her by.
JESSICA
Hi, frank!
Frank looks at Jessica but doesnt recognise her.
FRANK
(confused)
Hi. You?
Jessica smiles. Frank continues to walk.
FRANK
(whisper to Mario)
Hey do you know her?
MARIO
No you?
FRANK
Ow yeah I would ask you if I knew.
(to himself) How does she know my
name.
Frank and Mario walk up to the gathering of 4 people
empty space.

by an

FRANK
Hey, did we miss it?
RANDOM GUY 1
No, but it should be here any
minute.
FRANK
Im so excited, I believe this year
Ill finally get on the top 10, and
get a gift.
RANDOM GUY 2
Ha, theres no way youll even get
on the top 100, look at the amount
of people here already.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

Frank looks around and sees only 4 people not counting him
and Mario.
FRANK
(disappointed)
Thats true.
MARIO
Hey well win, maybe not you frank
but if I win Ill share the gift
with you.
FRANK
It wont be the same, Ive got to
win it myself. The biggest problem
is you only get one chance, and
only once a year, and there is no
home version to practise on, I
seriously dont get how are people
so good at this.
MARIO
Its just luck. But hey this year
we remember more that we did last
year. Well definitely do better.
FRANK
Ow boy I hope so. I always wanted
to get a gift on the 25th of
December from that arcade since I
was 3.
MARIO
Can you image how it must have been
when the arcade showed up for the
first time?
FRANK
That must have been just mind
blowing, but my mind cant really
explain it logically.
RANDOM GUY 2
Whats so hard to understand, a
magical arcade shows up out of
nowhere only on the 23rd of
December around 12pm and only 100
people get can play it but they all
only get one chance, and the top 10
people on the leaderboard get gifts
next to their beds at midnight on
the 25th of December, and the rest
get a note with a "game over!"
written on it. Very simple.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

FRANK
(sceptical)
Yeah. (nods his head)
RANDOM GAL 1
(excited)
Hey guys look its coming!
RANDOM GUY 3
(crossed arms)
Theres way to many girls this
year. Its slowly becoming a chick
fest. Its not what it use to be.
A snow starts falling from the celling, a purple void
appears on the wall, a giant hand reaches out of there and
places a plant pot on the ground, goes back and brings a
watering can and waters the plant.
The plant grows into a phlox peppermint bliss which after
fully grown folds all of his petals upwards and creates a
mouth and start to spit something and a square shape is
going up from the pot through the stem and out the flower.
What lands is a red present wrapped in a white ribbon. The
hand come back again and takes the plant, then it comes back
and opens the gift.
Once opened an arcade that resembles Santa Claus comes out
of it.
Everyone cheers and claps.
RANDOM GUY 3
(happy tears)
Every year, it gets me.
FRANK
Now that was amazing! (claps)
The hand gives a thumbs up and goes away, the void closes.
The screen on the arcade lights up. Loading Percentage shows
up, going very slow.
MARIO
Dude, its almost here. Are you
ready?
FRANK
As ready as Ill ever be. (thumbs
up to the camera).

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.
MARIO
What are you doing?
FRANK
A catchphrase?
MARIO
Just stop ok.
FRANK
Ok.

Jessica comes up to Frank.

JESSICA
Hi, frank.
FRANK
Hi. (pause) Sorry I dont know your
name.
JESSICA
Ow its alright, Im Jessica.
FRANK
Well nice to meet to you Jessica,
Im Frank, well you actually know
that. Im not going to lie Im
confused do I know you? Im really
sorry if I dont remember you.
JESSICA
Oh no dont worry, well we use to
go to school together.
FRANK
Well Im sorry I dont remember
you, Mario do you remember Jessica
from school?
MARIO
We grew up in different cities
Frank.
FRANK
Ow yeah I keep forgetting. (turns
to Jessica) So what brings you
here?
JESSICA
I just wanted to wish you good
luck. I hope you win this year.
Jessica hugs frank and goes away.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

FRANK
(confused)
Thanks, and bye? (turns to Mario)
Was it me or is she like so into,
that guy behind me?
MARIO
What are you talking about?
FRANK
Well she just hugged me to get a
closer look at the guy behind me.
MARIO
(confused)
I dont think thats what she did.
FRANK
Well I dont know what it is but
Im full of this weird energy, I
feel like Im definitely going to
win this year. (to him self) I
dont know why but when she was
here I didnt worry, not even one
bit, maybe except what I will say,
strange.
The Arcade has loaded. Random Guy 1 comes up to play it.
He finished playing, get out excited.
RANDOM GUY 1
(full of him self)
I feel like I did really good, no
ones gonna top my score.
Random Guy 2 goes up next. He finishes and top the previous
guys score.
RANDOM GUY 2
Beat that!
RANDOM GUY 1
Pss, Im still in the top 10.
A guy and girl play after (quick montage of them winning).
Frank is next up.
FRANK
(to him self)
Okay I can do this, Ive been
waiting all year for this, Ive got
to do it.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

Frank starts the game. He starts playing.

FRANK
Okay jump here punch that guy,
collect this, fall down for the
secret. Jump here, collect that,
okay remember that guy hit him, now
jump here. Okay this is where I
died last time, all I got to do is
time my jumps right and Ill defeat
him.
Frank manages to get to the last hit, to defeat a mini boss,
but fails and dies (in-game). Game over screen appears.
Frank gets on 5th place.
FRANK
(devastated)
Okay 5th place isnt that bad I
mean Im still in the top 10, and
there isnt that many people, Im
good.
Frank turns around to see a giant line of people.
FRANK
(swallows spit)
Its over.
Mario comes up to frank.
MARIO
You okay?
FRANK
I didnt do to well, and look at
the line Im not going to win.
MARIO
Hey who knows maybe the all are
terrible.
FRANK
I dont think so.
MARIO
Okay its my turn, wish me luck.
Frank looks devastated and scared.
Mario plays and get on 2nd place.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.

MARIO
Yes, look at that, 2nd place!
Grabs frank and puts his face to the screen. Frank walks off
depressed.
MARIO
Hey, frank you ok? Sorry about
that, I just got to excited. Hey
frank wait!
Mario runs after Frank.
INT. ARCADE PALACE BAR
Frank sits by the bar.
BARTENDER
What can I get you?
FRANK
Purple XD with lemon.
BARTENDER
Coming right up.
Mario sits down next to frank.
MARIO
Frank sorry about what I did. Come
on talk to me whats up?
Bartender gives frank the drink in glass.
BARTENDER
Here you go.
FRANK
Thanks.
Frank grabs the drink and has sip through a straw.
MARIO
Frank, talk to me!
FRANK
I dont want to, everything is just
falling apart.
MARIO
You know its not until 2004.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.
FRANK
Yeah, I know.
MARIO
Youre not angry that I did a forth
wall.
FRANK
Who cares, all that I cared about
today has been taken away from me,
MARIO
Hey, you know we cant continue
this depressing talk without a
stupid joke every now and then.
FRANK
Look Ive waited whole year to play
this game and get on the top 10 to
finally receive my gift, dont I
deserve it?
MARIO
Of course you do, and hey youre
still on top 10 lets just hope
they all wont beat your score.

Guy in background screams.

GUY 1
Hey look at that Ive just lowered
the score of that guy by the bar to
place nr 7.
Guy 1 comes up to frank by the bar.
GUY 1
Hey looser did you hear me? Ive
just reduced your chance of
receiving a gift this year, Ow
yeah.
Guy does a random victory dance and walks off.
MARIO
Okay, maybe not all of them suck
but you still have 3 places.
A guy 1 brings a baby in his hands.
GUY 1
Hey loser, do you see this kid? He
just beaten your score, ow yeah nr
8 loser.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

10.

Guy 1 Throws the baby, and walks off.

BABY
Im okay.
MARIO
You know what, I think we should
leave this place that guy 1 is so
annoying.
FRANK
Okay this is starting to get
annoying, 2 I could bear but 3?!
MARIO
Yes, hes back. (pause) Do you
theyll get it thou?
FRANK
Thrust me they will. (smiles into
the camera)
Frank and Mario leave arcade palace. Guy 1 comes after they
left with a duck.
GUY 1
Where did he go? I just wanted to
tell him something that this duck
did.
EXT. PARK
Frank and Mario sit down on a bench in a park, Mario get 2
cans of xd out of the bag. They both open the cans and
relax.
MARIO
Life is good, two friends sitting
on a bench in park drinking some
xds.
FRANK
Yeah life is not so bad, I guess.
Gilly passes by.
FRANK
Hi gilly!
GILLY
Hi guys, what are you doing here, I
thought both of you would be in the
arcade palace.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

11.

FRANK
We were but I lost so I had to
leave.
GILLY
Ow that sucks.
FRANK
Do you wanna join us?
GILLY
Haha (laugh out loud), look what
that squirrel just done its
hilarious.
Frank and Mario turn around but the camera doesnt.
GILLY
Its too late youve missed it, but
that was the funniest thing ever.
Thank you for the offer, but I have
to go, theres a fish in my house
Ive got to take care off. Ill see
you guys later.
FRANK
Bye.
MARIO
What should we do now?
FRANK
I dont know, I dont feel like
doing anything.
MARIO
I know lets go visit fatso.
FRANK
Why?
MARIO
Exactly.
MARIO
Okay.
Mario gets up, Frank after him.

12.

INT. FATSO APARTMENT

Fatso is looking for something, his house is mess.
Frank and Mario enter.
FATSO
Its got to be here somewhere.
FRANK
Hey Fatso what are you doing?
FATSO
Ow hi guys, Im just looking my ROM
capturing machine.
FRANK
What is that?
FATSO
Its a little machine that should
help me get the Magic Arcade rom,
so I can try to emulate it and then
sell it to any one who wants to
learn the game and master it, next
year when it comes they can get on
the top 10.
FRANK
(hopeful)
Can you actually do that?
FATSO
Theoretically everything is
possible.
FRANK
Mario were looking for that thing.
MARIO
Okay!
Frank and Mario go and help Fatso looking for the capture
machine.
Frank finds the capture machine underneath fatso chair.
FRANK
Ive found it.
FATSO
Okay, thats great now lets go to
the arcade palace.

13.

INT. ARCADE PALACE

Frank, Mario and Fatso enter the door like bad asses. People
look confused.
Fatso comes up to the arcade from the side, he tries to open
it up to get inside and plug his machine. Guy 1 comes up to
frank holding a duck.
GUY 1
Hey you where did you go, I wanted
to show you what this duck did.
FRANK
I know it beat score.
GUY 1
No look.
Duck makes a crocked face and spits a loaf of bread, while
making a strange sound.
DUCK
(makes a strange and unusual
noise)
bwahhahwahad!
Frank looks confused. The piece of bread that the duck threw
up landed on the arcade and started playing and it got on
the top 10. Then the bread fell down on the floor.
GUY 1
Wow, I cant believe it, even a
duck beat your score. Haha. Loser!
Guy 1 throws the duck.
DUCK
Quack!
Fatso is now inside the arcade and inside there is purple
present which has cables coming from it to the top. Fatso
unwraps the gift, the lights go out. Fatso gets out.
The arcade is starting to shake.
FRANK
What did you do?
FATSO
(confused)
Not sure.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

14.

BG PERSON 1
(confused)
Whats going on?
BG PERSON 2
(paranoid)
I dont wanna die!
BG PERSON 3
(faint)
Wheres my toast?
The arcade suddenly gets legs and arms, it gets up and jumps
into the wall behind and makes a hole. The hole becomes a
portal which sucks in Frank, Mario and Fatso. The portal
closes. The lights turn back on.
BG PERSON 4
Woa, that was strange.
INT. PORTAL - TEMPLE
Frank, Mario and Fatso are flying through an psychedelic
warp tunnel, few moments later they land on snow temple.
Frank, Mario and Fatso look up they admire the temple.
Letters show up on the screen spelling letter by letter
"LOCATION: UNKNOWN".
Frank and Mario look at fatso with anger.
FRANK
Look what you did Fatso.
FATSO
Hey its not me.
MARIO
Of course not, then why are we
here?
FATSO
I dont know let me eat something.
Fatso gets a sandwich form underneath him, and has a bite.
FRANK
Should we go inside?
MARIO
I guess, what else is there?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

15.

FRANK
Come on Fatso were going inside.
Frank, Mario and Fatso walk up the stairs and inside.
INT. TEMPLE
Frank, Mario and Fatso walk into the temple the roof has
holes in it through which light come in. Its a giant room
at which the end there is a stand with a mother board from
the arcade.
FRANK
Hey look is that the arcade game
board. Lets go and get it.
Frank start to walk to it. And stops mid way.
FRANK
Wait, Im stupid, an unguarded
board in a mysterious temple. And
Im running with my shoe laces
undone.
Frank kneels down to do his shoe laces to realise, he
doesnt have shoe laces.
MARIO
Frank! Come back here its probably
a trap.
FRANK
What? A crab? No Mario its an
arcade board.
MARIO
No Frank! Its a T-R-A-P, trap.
FRANK
You know I cant spell right? Wait
Ill come over to you and you tell
me there.
Frank comes back Mario and Fatso.
The ground starts shaking, they try not to loose the
balance, the ground cracks open and a giant Santa arcade
machine with arms and legs comes out. Its floating in the
air.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16.

SANTA ARCADE
Hello there. Im Antas Ages, and
you are trying to cheat your way to
receive gifts. (sucking clicking
noise?) oh no no, not on my watch!
FRANK
We wouldnt have to do that, if
more than 10 people could get them,
its not fair!
SANTA ARCADE
Not fair? To receive something good
youve got to earn it, youve got
to show that you want it. Theres
no rewards for losers! Youve got
to understand the concept of
winning! (screams)
Santa Arcade summons a giant arm (from the beginning).
SANTA ARCADE
Prepare to be destroyed, losers!
FRANK
This just got scary.
Frank looks at Mario.
FRANK
Okay, are you ready, lets defeat
this giant piece of ancient
technology.
SANTA ARCADE
Muhahaha (strong laugh). Take this!
The arm tries to hit frank but he jumps away just in time,
landing on his body on the floor.
Frank gets up, runs a finger under his nose.
FRANK
Okay, you wanna fight lets fight.
Mario! Run to the right Ill run to
the left, hell cant hit us both
at the same time.
Frank starts running, so does Mario on the other side, the
hand keeps teleporting and trying to hit frank and Mario
changing between them after each it, they all evade his
attacks. They get up to him and he grabs them both
separately with his hand and lifts them.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

17.

Frank and Mario are struggling.

SANTA ARCADE
So you thought I wouldnt catch
you, you make me laugh haha (strong
laugh). Im going to crush you!
Santa Arcade is about to crash Frank and Mario when a
sandwich hits the screen/face of the arcade.
Santa Arcade looks down. Fatso is sitting in his chair.
FATSO
Hey you forgot about me!
SANTA ARCADE
Ow no I didnt.
The hand teleports behind fatso and his him from the back.
He flies in the air. He crashes thought and out the arcade
belly. While crashing through he pulls the cables to turn
him off. He flies through and crashes.
Santa Arcade loses control, he drops frank and Mario. The
both land on the floor, and watch what happens.
SANTA ARCADE
Ha! This is nothing but a scratch,
you still havent destroyed my
brain.
FRANK
Brain? (thinks for a bit) The
arcade board. Mario lets go to the
board and lets destroy it!
MARIO
Okay!
Frank and Mario run to the arcade board which is behind the
Santa arcade. They grab it.
SANTA ARCADE
No! not my brain!
FRANK
Okay no we have to brake it.
Frank tries to bend it, but its too hard, Mario grabs it.
MARIO
Give it to me youre weak.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

18.

FRANK
Give it to me.
Frank grabs it.
FRANK
Hey you big piece of wood! You want
this come and get it!
SANTA ARCADE
As you wish!
The hand teleports in front of frank. Frank uses the board
as shield so the hand will hit the board and break it. The
hand hits the board. The board splits and light starts
coming out of it.
SANTA ARCADE
No!
Santa arcade is slowly breaking.
SANTA ARCADE
Well I guess youve won this time.
Ill see you again next year!
He explodes and disappears. The board is still breaking,
frank drops it, both him and Mario run up to fatso to see if
hes okay. Fatso is laying side in his chair holding cables
in his hand which slowly fade.
FRANK
Fatso are you alright?
FATSO
(cough)
I think, lift me up.
Frank and Mario lift the chair with Fatso up.
MARIO
Damn youre heavy.
FATSO
(cough)
Its not me its the chair its
made from the finest oak.
FRANK
Sure it is!
They get him right way up.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

19.

FATSO
How are we going to get out of
here?
FRANK
I dont know.
Mario notices the board breaking and creating a portal.
MARIO
Hey look guys a portal.
FRANK
How do we know it will take us
home?
MARIO
Do you know any other way out?
Theres a fire exit door behind frank, with a note on the
wall next to it saying "back to arcade palace"
FRANK
Besides the fire exit with a sign
that says back to arcade palace
door behind us no.
MARIO
Exactly lets go.
They all jump in the portal, and it closes.
They go through a warp tunnel back to arcade palace.
INT. ARCADE PALACE
A portal appears on the wall. Frank, Mario and Fatso land
back into the arcade palace through a portal.
People surround them. Jessica runs up close through the
crowd, but doesnt come up to frank because she doesnt want
to give away her crush from him. The portal closes.
Frank, Mario and Fatso get up. Frank grabs his head.
FRANK
What just happened, did we get
back?
MARIO
Wow that was, something.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

20.

BG GUY 1
Hey wheres the arcade, I had a top
score, I want my gift.
CROWD
(angry)
Yeah, wheres the arcade?!
FRANK
Thanks for you concern, were all
alright.
Frank, Mario and Fatso move away. Another portal opens up
behind them.
FRANK
Hey whats that?
A hand puts a new arcade back in the place. With a note.
Frank grabs the note.
FRANK
(reads note)
You cant destroy something you
cant beat. Good luck!
Arcade machine turns on the high score list shows up and
them a message appears, saying "reset". Then the machine
re-boots and the high score list is empty.
FATSO
Hey all the scores are gone, I
guess Frank you have another
chance.
BG GUY 2
Hey Im not playing again Im not
going to be as good as I was
before.
FRANK
(excited)
Ow yes, this time Im going to the
top.
Frank plays with excitement.

21.
INT. ARCADE PALACE BAR
Frank sits and drinks an XD. Mario is sitting next to him.
MARIO
So you lost again, hey next year
youll win!
FRANK
(sips)
Nah I give up this game is broken.
Fatso comes up.
FATSO
Hey Frank Ive just hear that some
guy in china managed to capture the
rom from the arcade, if you want to
we can fly there tomorrow and get
so you can practice.
FRANK
Nah Im fine, its not worth it,
Im just not good, and I accept it.
MARIO
Good for you. So I no longer have
to feel bad when I get my gift for
being 9th in the leaderboards.
FRANK
Whatever, lets go home.
Frank gets up and is about to leave. Josie comes on the
screen.
JOSIE
(bad acting)
Hey, Frank, How are you?
FRANK
(bad acting)
Im okay.
JOSIE
(normal)
Okay so do I get paid.
FRANK
Well I guess now we have to pay
you. Just speak to the most common
name guy in the credits.
Frank leaves.

22.

INT. FRANK AND MARIO HOUSE - NEXT DAY

Next day.
Frank wakes up with a note on his forehead saying "game
over". Frank grabs the note.
FRANK
Shh, I know, dont have to rub it
in.
Frank gets up and goes to Mario.
INT. F&M HOUSE - MARIO ROOM
Frank enters the room. Mario is sitting on his bed with an
opened box on his lap.
FRANK
Hey did you get it?
MARIO
(disappointed)
Yeah.
FRANK
What did you get?
Mario puts his hand in the box and pulls out vouchers.
MARIO
All I got was a couple of vouchers
for powdered water.
FRANK
Haha, not going to lie, this
actually made my bad mood go away.
MARIO
I know same, how did they know, I
hated drinking wet water. Its like
theyve read my mind.
FRANK
What?
Doorbell is heard downstairs.
FRANK
Im gonna go get that.

23.

INT. F&M HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Frank goes to open the door, Jessica is outside waiting with
a gift in her hands.
FRANK
Hi, what are you doing here?
JESSICA
Hi, Frank, I was in the
neighbourhood and I thought Id
drop this, I know you didnt get to
win yesterday, so I though Id get
you a gift.
FRANK
Eh, Im actually glad I didnt win,
all you get are some vouchers.
Jessica gives frank the gift, and hugs him. Frank is
confused but happy?
FRANK
Thank you. I dont have anything
for you.
JESSICA
Its okay, Im just happy that
youve got something. Okay Ive got
to go, (shy wave) bye!
Jessica runs away.
FRANK
Hey wait, how did you know where I
live?
Frank looks at the box and shakes it.
FRANK
(curious)
Whats in this, I hope its not
vouchers.
Frank opens the gift not revealing whats inside.
FRANK
How did she know? Thank you...
(pause) ow damn I forgot her name.

24.

THE END