THE 7 JOINING NO-NOS YOURE

PROBABLY DOING
By Raun K. Kaufman
Joining is one of the most crucial techniques of The Son-Rise Program. Its the first
thing we do, and it is absolutely essential for building trust and rapport. When we join
our children, we participate in their ism (stims) with deep interest and acceptance
without trying to change or redirect it. All learning and interaction rests on the platform
of the relationship that is built with your child through joining. This is why getting
joining right is so important. I have seen many, many people join, and I never ceased to
be moved when I see someone joining their child with love and sincerity. However, I
also see quite a number of people do things during joining that they may not realize
totally undermine its effectiveness.

Below are the top seven Joining No-Nos that I see. There is a good chance that youve
done some of these things. But, hey, thats okay! Youre in good company! Most people
Ive ever worked with people who love their children and who are stepping out from
the crowd by doing a Son-Rise Program have done at least one of these things (and
usually more). So I beseech you to read these seven no-nos with a sense of self-
acceptance, ease, curiosity, and yes humor.

1. STARING. Many people keep watching their child as they join. The problem is,
that isnt joining. Its observing. And your child can easily tell the difference. When
youre watching a movie with someone, and they are staring at you the whole time,
it doesnt really feel like youre watching a movie together, does it? So once you
begin joining, rather than staring at your child, stare at what youre doing. Instead of
looking at your child every two seconds, really get involved with what you are doing.
Remember, you arent trying to prove that you can mimic, you are getting involved
with the activity that your child loves. You are building a connection around a
common interest the operative word being common.
2. HOVERING. I see lots of people who hover when they join. They get too close,
and their child really just wants some breathing room! When joining, you dont have
to get in your childs face. Remember that part of the reason your child is isming in
the first place is to tune out everyone whos in their face! You want to give your child
some space. If your child is sitting down, then, by all means, sit down, but dont sit
down an inch from where he/she is sitting. If your child is standing or pacing, then
stand or pace, but not right up on top of him/her.
3. STEALING. Hey, man, dont take your childs stuff. (I know your childs stuff is
awesome, but try to resist!) If your child is lining up small green cars, then, whatever
you do, dont take his/her green cars and start lining them up. Yes, thats right,
youve got to use the rejects. If your child likes to use the shiny green cars but
shows no interest in the old, half- broken yellow cars, those yellow cars are all yours,
baby! Use the same type of item that your child is using, but not the ones your child
is actually using.
4. NARRATING. Many of you think that youre a sportscaster. As your child is, for
instance, stacking blocks, you are narrating his/her every move. Oh, now you have
the green block. Oh, thats nice how youre putting it on the red block. Here comes
 the blue block! Believe me, Im not questioning your narrating skills. Im sure
theyre awesome. But, when youre joining, thats not the time to put them on
display. If you are joining, and your child is not speaking, dont speak. Get into the
activity youre doing rather than doing anything that smacks of trying to interact
with your child. Which brings us to the next no-no.
5. CHEATING. Whatever you do, dont try to change your childs behavior in any
way when youre joining. This is the biggest mistake people make, and its the
mistake that is most detrimental to the whole point of joining. Your child is no
dummy. If you try to use joining as a way to get your child to change, alter, or stop
his/her behavior, your child will immediately see that, and you will have torpedoed
the entire joining technique. This means no saying Hey, buddy, look at me! No
trying to get your child to take his/her little car and race your little car. And no
gimmicks to try to get his/her attention. What is so spectacular about joining is that
it results in child-initiated interaction. A major characteristic of autism is the lack of
social interaction that is initiated and wanted by the child. One of the factors that
makes The Son-Rise Program unique is that it focuses on developing within each
child the ability to initiate social interaction. We want to enter the childs
world, wait for her to voluntarily initiate interaction, and then (and only then) use
that interaction to invite her to stretch and communicate further. We want our
children on our side. The only way to achieve that is to join them in their world until
they join us in ours. This cant be forced. Joining isnt a trick we use to sneak our
child into a different activity or behavior. Joining is the way we enable our child to
form a bond with us.
6. TIMETABLING. (Yes, that is a word. My spell check says so.) In the last several
years, a few autism treatment methods have sought to adopt aspects of The Son-
Rise Program by doing what they think is joining as a way to create interaction. So
they will, for instance, set aside 15 minutes of each session to join the child. (The
length of time is decided upon by the therapist., of course, not the child.) The
problem is, these methodologies still end up missing the boat because they try to
adopt joining without understanding it. Joining correctly means joining until your
child stops isming of his/her own volition and looks at you or approaches you in
some way. It does not mean that we set aside fifteen minutes for joining, after which
our child must do as we say. The length of the joining is determined by your child,
not by you. That is the key.
7. COPYING. This last no-no is for all of you who have a child or adult who has
Aspergers Syndrome or is highly verbal. Many of these kids/adults dont have
traditional-looking isms such as hand-flapping, repeating sounds, tearing paper, etc.
When they ism, they talk about their favorite subject. In depth. For a copious
amount of time. People will sometimes join these activities by either repeating back
everything the child says (i.e., copying) or talking (often over the child) about the
childs subject. This will often feel, shall we say, less than thrilling to your child.
Instead, listen with great interest and enthusiasm. Joining, at its core, is not about
copying, mimicking, mirroring, or imitating. Its about creating a relationship, a
trusting bond, a sweet rapport, based upon diving into your childs world, loving
what they love, exploring what theyre exploring, cherishing what they cherish. Its a
way of showing your deep love for your child by saying (through action), I love you.
And because I love you, I love what you love.
An important note. I have some parents and professionals (not many) tell me that
theyve tried joining, and it doesnt work because their child always tells them to stop.
This almost always happens when the people joining are doing one or more of the no-
nos. So, of course, the child, who doesnt want to be interfered with and manipulated,
wants them to stop. If your child does tell you to stop, the first thing to do is stop. Then
give your child a little time, and try resuming your joining from much farther away
making absolutely sure that you arent doing any of the no-nos.

I know that you love your child. I know that you so much want to forge the most
powerful, loving, close relationship possible with your child. And that is beautiful. And
sweet. And deeply meaningful. Joining is your way in. Use it. Capitalize on that
boundless, limitless love you have for your child.

And know that Im cheering for you every step of the way.