SI KRESSY NA TOKHANG!

Comical Skit for CAMS 2017

First Draft

Synopsis

Social Media sites argue about the facts of Kris Aquino's tokhang.

Cast & Characters

1. Facebook

2. Twitter

3. Kressy

4. Bimby

5. Youtube

6. Police

7. Dubber 1

8. Dubber 2

Legend:

*Sound Effect
SCENE

Setting: Jeepney

SFX: Despacito intro (00:00-00:06) Enter FACEBOOK, wearing an I <3 DUTERTE shirt and an I <3
DUTERTE cap. SFX: Despacito chorus (01:01-01:09) FACEBOOK dances along but is interrupted by
multiple facebook notification sound effects.

3 PEOPLE swarm the stage and whisper something in FACEBOOK'S ears. SFX: Suspenseful music
S/he expresses many different expressions of horror, and then the PEOPLE run off-stage.

SFX: Kung Wala Ka Nang Maintindihan FACEBOOK kneels down on the floor, and starts crying.

FACEBOOK

No!

The music stops. FACEBOOK looks at the audience with a very worried face.

FACEBOOK

Si Kressy... na tokhang!

SFX: Kung Wala Ka Nang Maintindihan

Music is interrupted by TWITTER'S entrance. S/he is wearing sunglasses and a hashtag.

TWITTER

(smacks FACEBOOK in the head) Pataka man lang ni siya... Hashtag wrong! Like, oh my god, Kressy
Aquino was not, like, tokhangd ha, Kressy was totally, like, you know? Oh my god, playing LUTHANG!

FACEBOOK

(stands up) Luthang?

 TWITTER

Totally! Like the pinoy game, you know? (she pulls out huge remote from nowhere) It's like, the next
episode of KRESSY TV. Look! SFX: Click

SFX: Kris TV theme song Enter KRESSY with BIMBY

KRESSY

(laugh) Biiimb let's make welcome everyone na to this episode of Kressy TV! (laugh) Today we will make
laro pinoy games like LUTHANG, see what he have here is a--

BIMBY shoots KRESSY in the eyes with the LUTHANG.

KRESSY

BIIIMB!!!

BIMBY

OH MY GOSH!

KRESSY and BIMBY freeze.

TWITTER

See? Like, what did I totally tell you ba? Not TOKHANG. LUTHANG.

FACEBOOK

Ay... Si Kressy... Nag... Luthang?

TWITTER

Oh nganong sad paman ka?

 FACEBOOK

Giseenzone ko ni crush. Yoqo na.

TWITTER:

OMG!!!! / Pareha ta!

SFX: MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY

Enter YOUTUBE, with a huge camera and sunglasses.

YOUTUBE

Anyeonghaseyo! (Mutry mukapot sa jeep, nahawiran sa iyang duha ka tudlo ang ngipon ni Facebook)
YAK!!!

Youtube-imnida, oppa saranghae, Im like TT, Just like TT ireon nae mam moreugo neomuhae
neomuhae-- (babbles on)

FACEBOOK

(pokes twitter) Oi, bai...

TWITTER

Unsa man?

FACEBOOK

I-on ag subs bi.

TWITTER

Ay, o, right. (clicks remote)

YOUTUBE
(in a british accent) Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to announce that this is fake news. And by the way,
if you want to buy this make up brush, theres a link on the description. Anyway. That is NOT what
happened. THIS is what happened.

SFX: Suspenseful music

KRESSY

Biiimb! You make layas ka na the house! Theyre coming!

BIMBY

What about you, mommy kressy?!

KRESSY

Someone wants to kill me!

BIMBY

Oh my gosh, I remember so many people! (runs away)

KRESSY tries to run away too but POLICE enters.

POLICE

KRIS AQUINO! (pause) Sukob ang kasal mo!

MUSIC stops.

KRESSY

Ay kuya wrong scenario ha

POLICE shoots KRESSY and drags her body away with the frame.
 YOUTUBE

See? I told you so.

FACEBOOK and TWITTER start crying. SFX: Sad music

FACEBOOK

Si Kressy... gipatay! (crying)

TWITTER

Si Kressy namatay wearing THOSE shoes (crying)

YOUTUBE stands there while they cry, then joins in.

SFX: Heavenly music KRESSY enters. Everyone looks up.

KRESSY

(laughs) Everyone, you make hilom na! I'm alive na alive noh! (laughs) Nagfi-film lang ako sa new movie
ko na I'M A DRUG PUSHER

EVERYONE takes out their phones.

TWITTER

Oh em gee! Hashtag kressy is a drug pusher! I'm so exoited!

FACEBOOK

Kressy is a drug pusher! Witty!

YOUTUBE
 (korean words)

KRESSY

Yes, noh. (laughs) Please watch my movie I'M A DRUG--

POLICE comes in and shoots KRESSY. Everyone screams.

TWITTER

HASHTAG WHAT THE F!

FACEBOOK

Pinatay mo si Kressy!

YOUTUBE

(korean words)

EVERYONE babbles on.

POLICE

Ang-ang kay dia man sa social media, o.. hashtag Kressy is a Drug Pusher!

Silence. EVERYONE looks at each other. SFX: Oops I did it again

POLICE

Aha. Maypa, mangado ta tanan sa prisinto.

EVERYONE exit. SFX: crickets at ns

A sad BIMBY enters with TV frame. S/he puts on tassel earings and is bringing a red horse bottle.
Social networking sites are mourning with him.

BIMBY

(ala Kat Galang) Nang ma inlove ako sa net

Kala ko'y balita doon ay tunay

Pero hindi nag-tagal lumabas din ang tunay na kulay

SOCIAL MEDIA

Wag mahiyang magtanong, kung accurate ba ang news.

POLICE

Im sorry Mamsh. Im sorry.

Akala mo ba madali sakin to.

Sa sunod, magkuha kog balita sa credible news outlets.

I-triangulate na namo ang info nga among nakuha

He puts up a piece of paper that says R.I.P. Mamshie KRESSY

END SCENE