3 Surefire Ways To Combat Rising Gas

Prices

I have heard the rumblings of many of you inReaderland about the recent spike
ingasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from
rumbling about the infrequency of my columnsand articles. Nonetheless, I have decided
to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat
Rising Gas Prices!

1. Don't Drive Your Car

This is, of course, the most obvious solution.If you never take the old Plymouth out the
driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30
gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive,
you could care less.

Of course, I know what you're going to say. "ButTim, I have places I need to go-like
work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping
and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get the
point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching
the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have
a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around.
The answer?

2. Carpool

It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have
someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else
dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the
office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a
full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needsto cruise the mall. It's so simple.

Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. So in a
normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your
money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim
Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by
making it so that the other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree
asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:

(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it looking and smelling like the county
landfill.
(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed
the child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper.

(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily
fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc.

(d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud!

You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again.

3. Ride the Bus/Subway

Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle.
If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course,
riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome
if you follow these simple guidelines:

1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye
contact is an invitation for someone to mug you.

2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as
weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you.

3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person
sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation
for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back.

4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the
wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging.

5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation.Fellow passengers hate
children. Children make you definite mug victim material.

Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices.Hopefully, you will be able
to use these methods to keepfrom spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going
to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the
mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content because the issue
no longerconcerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readersin a time of
crisis. And all I ask in return as a simplethank you next time you see me. Just make sure
we're not onthe bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...

Tim Ward invites you to visit http://www.timward.1afm.com to subscribe to his humor

column 'I Never Said I Was Normal'.
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