Dr.

Robert Glover’s Dating Essentials for Men

“Mastering Your Mind”
How to Untwist Your Thinking
(Copyright, Dr. David Burns)

• Identify the Distortions. Use the Checklist of Cognitive Distortions to

identify the distortions in each of your negative thoughts.
• Straightforward Technique. You try to substitute a more positive and
realistic thought for each of your negative thoughts. Ask yourself, “Is this
negative thought really true? Do I really believe it? Is there another way
to look at the situation?
• Downward Arrow. This technique will help you pinpoint your SLBs. To
use this technique, draw a downward arrow under a negative thought
and ask yourself, “Why would it be upsetting to me if this thought were
true? What would it mean to me?” A new negative thought will come to
mind. Write it down under the arrow and repeat the process several
times. The negative thoughts you generate will lead to the underlying
beliefs at the core of your suffering.
• What-If Technique. This technique is similar to the Downward Arrow
Technique. Draw a downward arrow under a negative thought and ask
yourself, “What if that were true? What’s the worst that could happen?
What do I fear the most?” A new negative thought or fantasy will come
to mind. Write it down under the arrow and repeat the process several
times. You will generate additional thoughts until you uncover the fan-
tasy that frightens you the most. Then you can ask yourself, “How likely
is it that this would happen? And could I live with it if it did?”
• Double Standard Technique. Instead of putting yourself down, you
talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you might talk to a dear
friend who was upset. Ask yourself, “Would I say such harsh things to a
friend with a similar problem? If not, why not? What would I say to him?”
• Experimental Technique. You do an experiment to test the validity of
your negative thought, in much the same way that a scientist would test
a theory. Ask yourself, “How could I test this negative thought to find out
if it’s really valid?”
• Survey Method. You do a survey to find out if your thoughts are realis-
tic. Ask yourself, “How do other people think and feel about this? Could

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 Dr. Robert Glover’s Dating Essentials for Men
“Mastering Your Mind”
How to Untwist Your Thinking
(Copyright, Dr. David Burns)
I ask some friends about this to get some feedback?” For example, if
you believe that social anxiety is rare or shameful, simply ask several
friends if they’ve ever felt that way.
• Thinking in Shades of Gray. Instead of thinking about your problems
in black-and-white categories, you evaluate them in shades of gray.
When things don’t work out as well as you’d hoped, you can think of the
experience as a partial success or a learning opportunity. Pinpoint your
specific errors instead of writing yourself off as a total failure.
• Process Vs. Outcome. You evaluate your performance based on the
process – the effort you put in – rather than the outcome. Your efforts
are within your control, but the outcome is not.
• Acceptance Paradox. Instead of defending yourself against your own
criticisms, you can find truth in them and accept your shortcoming with
tranquility. Tell yourself, “It’s true that I have many inadequacies. In
fact, there is very little, if anything, about me that couldn’t be improved
considerably.”
• Paradoxical Magnification. Instead of refuting your negative thoughts,
you can buy into them and exaggerate them. Don’t try to argue with
your negative thoughts. Instead, make them as extreme as possible.
For example, if you feel inferior, you could tell yourself, “Yes, it’s true. In
fact, I’m probably the most inferior person in California at this time.”
Paradoxically, this humorous method can sometimes provide objectivity
and relief. Of course, if you’re feeling upset, this may have the unin-
tended effect of making you feel even worse. If so, go to another
method.
• Shame-Attacking Exercises. If you suffer from shyness, you probably
have intense fears of looking foolish in front of other people. Shame-
Attacking Exercises are a specific and potent antidote to these kinds of
fears. You intentionally do something foolish in public. For example,
you could stand up and loudly announce each stop on a bus or shout
out the time in a crowded department store. When you make a fool of
yourself on purpose, you realize that the world doesn’t really come to an

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 Dr. Robert Glover’s Dating Essentials for Men
“Mastering Your Mind”
How to Untwist Your Thinking
(Copyright, Dr. David Burns)
end, and that people don’t really look down on you. This discovery can
be tremendously liberating.
• Cognitive Flooding. Visualize one of your worst fears, such as talking
to a beautiful woman at a party. Try to endure the anxiety for as long as
you can. If you become panicky, tell yourself, “Don’t fight it!” Instead, try
to make it even worse. Eventually, your anxiety will burn itself out, be-
cause your body simply cannot create anxiety indefinitely. You can use
Cognitive Flooding when you can’t expose yourself to the thing you fear.
• Rejection Practice and Rejection Feared Fantasy. If you’re shy and
afraid of rejection, you can accumulate as many rejections as possible in
order to learn that the world doesn’t come to an end. You can combine
this technique with the Rejection Feared Fantasy. You need a partner
if you want to try this technique. Your partner will play the most reject-
ing, hostile person you can imagine. She or he will be far worse than
any real human being would ever be, and is really just the projection of
your own fears. When you confront this fantasy figure, you will discover
that you had nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

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