Communication between men and women

can be like cross cultural communication,

prey to a clash of conversational styles.

Deborah Tannen (1990)

 Women’s
conversational styles
 Men’s
conversational styles
 Conversational
styles in
relationships
 Establish and maintain
relationships
Conversation is an
essential part of a
relationship
 Share and learn about
others
 Show equality
 Show support
 Include others
 Tell about themselves
 Are tentative
 Show equality by
matching
experiences
“You’re not alone in
how you feel.”
“I’ve done the same
thing many times.”
 Women respond and build on each other’s
ideas
Rather than “you-tell-your-idea-then-I’ll-
tell-mine,” voices weave together to
create conversations.
 Make others feel valued
 Understand the other person’s feelings
“Tell me about what happened.”
“How did you feel when it occurred?”
“Do you think it was deliberate?”
 Express sympathy
“Oh, you must feel terrible.”
“I think you did the right thing.”
“I really hear what you are saying.”
 Make others feel valued and included
 Women often start topics for others
“How was your day”
“Tell me about your meeting”
“Did anything interesting happen on your
trip”
 Stories about
themselves
 Share experiences
about themselves
 Verbal Hedges
“I kind of feel you may be overreacting”
“I’m not the best judge of this, but...”
 Use tag questions that invite responses
“That was a pretty good movie, wasn’t it?”
“We should get out this weekend, don’t
you think?”
 Achieve goals
Solve a problem
Win an argument
Make someone
laugh
Get information
 Improve status.
 Show off
 Speak in general
terms
 Are less
responsive
 Talk assertively
 Dominate
conversations
 Knowledge
 Ability
 Skills
 Offer few concrete experiences and personal
feelings
 Talk less about themselves
 Talking about personal problems shows that
you are weak
 Use more “minimal
response cues”
Yeah, uh-uh, hmm,
etc.
 Show less
sympathy
 Sympathy is a way of
looking down on
someone
 Direct & forceful
 Advice is what you
should do
 Men use fewer
hedges
 Talk more than women
 Talk more frequently
 Talk longer
 Select the topic of
conversation
 Interrupt (stop other
people from talking)
more
WOMEN MEN
 A relationship is
 A relationship is
going fine if
going fine if
there is no need
there is talk
to talk
 Talk is a process
 Talk is to solve
to support a
relationship
relationship
problems
 Talk is a way to
 Talk indicates a
show closeness
problem
 “We need to talk,”
 “We need to talk”
shows that we
is a signal to run
care about each
away.
other