Destructive and Constructive

Communication
 The art of conversation consists as much of
listening politely as in talking agreeably.”
 How do you rate your listening and talking
skills? What do you need to improve?

“I know you believe you understand

what you think you heard, but I am not
sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant.”
 Standards and Objectives
 ARR 2.0 - ARFL 4.00 Students will identify
effective communication in interpersonal
relationships.

 Identify various types of communication styles

 Identify types of destructive communication
(blaming, interrupting, endless fighting,
character assassination, calling in
reinforcements, and withdrawal)
 Identify types of constructive communication (I-
messages, clarifying, timing, asking
questions, reflective listening,
respect, consideration, avoid anger)
 Practice using I-messages
“Sticks and stones will
break my bones, but
words will never hurt
me.”

Words, tone of voice

and body language.
 Motivator
 Hammer Communication
or
 Calvin and Hobbes
or
 Often we really communicate destructively
and constructively with people we are
surrounded with. Whole days can be ruined
because of destructive communication. Put –
down take 14 positive remarks to erase.
 Hammer of Communication
THE CLAW IS LIKE
DESTRUCTIVE
COMMUNICATION.
It is sharp and dangerous
and is used to destroy and
tear down relationships.
THE HANDLE OF THE
HAMMER IS LIKE US– IT
IS THE DRIVING FORCE.
We are in control of our
communication and
choose to use it in a
constructive or destructive
manner.
THE SHANK IS LIKE
NON-VERBAL
COMMUNICATION:
It is strong and can
be used to support
construction or
destruction.
THE HEAD IS LIKE
CONSTRUCTIVE
COMMUNICATION.
It is smooth and rounded
and is used to build and
help put things together.
Role plays
Destructive Communication
 Blaming
 Interrupting
 Endless Fighting
 Character Assassination
 Calling in Reinforcements
 Withdrawal
 Need to be Right
 Blaming – Frequently blame each other
while trying to find out who is at “fault”,
who started the fight, etc.”
 Examples – You are the one that’s not
listening. You did this…. You should of …

 Interrupting – Interrupts another person, it

is a sign that one idea is more important
than another.
 Stop communication, Shows disregard for
other person’s ideas.
 Endless Fighting – Arguments that never
end. Bring up the old issues that have
nothing to do with what’s happening now.
 Examples: Just like when you…

 Character Assassination – Name calling,

belittling comments about sensitive
subjects, and insulting remarks.
(Sarcasm)
 Examples: Destroys self-esteem, trust,
and communication.
 Calling In Reinforcements – Involves
outsiders in your personal relationships
and quarrels.
 Example: to save face

 Withdrawal – Withdrawing from

communication avoiding conversation in
families communicates hurt, rejection,
neglect, indifference, &/or anger.
 Example: “I don’t care” “fine” “I’ll do it”
 Need to be right – Some people refuse
to admit any need to always be right.

 Compromise is a win-win situation.

Video Clips
 Let’s Communicate
 Mark each communication technique as
constructive or destructive.

 Write examples of negative techniques.

Role Play
Constructive Communication
 “I” Messages
 Clarity
 Timing
 Asking Questions
 Reflective Listening
 Respect and Consideration
 Avoiding Intense Anger
 “I” Messages – State the feelings and
thoughts you are having at the time of
communication. Lets others know how
you feel without making people
defensive.

Examples “I feel frustrated when…

I am angry because you forgot…
 Clarity – Meaning what you say and then
saying what you mean. Problem is
interpretation. (Sarcasm)
 Example: I hope you had a great time at
the movie last night with all your other
friends!

 Timing – Select a good time to do your

important communicating.
 Examples: Asking for something when
parents walk in from work.
Asking Questions – People seldom say
what they really mean the first time.
Example: Why, What, Where, When,
Do you mean….

Reflective Listening – listener mirrors back

thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is
experiencing. Purpose is to clarify.
Example: Are you saying? You seem to
be saying?
 Respect and Consideration – One sure
way of ending good communication is
by being critical or judgmental. Respect
the other person’s point of view.

 Avoiding Intense Anger – Sometimes

we become to emotional to
communicate effectively.
“I” Messages
 State the feelings and thoughts
you are having at the time of
communication.
- “I feel … when … because …”
- “I would like …”
 Don’t blame the other person.
 Shouting
 Name Calling
 Physical expression

Roadblocks

Destroys Self- Esteem and creates Fear.

 Video Clips
 Finish “Let’s Communicate

 By changing the negative examples into

positive communication examples using
the constructive communication
techniques.
 State #6:
Sending “I”
Messages
1.Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps
climbing on his lap. Father is irritated.
“You” message: “You shouldn’t ever
interrupt someone when he is reading.”
“I” message: ______________________

2.Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child keeps

pulling plug out of socket. Mother is in a
hurry.
“You” message: “You’re being naughty.”
“I” message:______________________
3. Child comes to table with very dirty hands and face.
“You” message: “You’re not being a responsible
big boy. That’s what a little baby might do.
“I” message: ___________________________

4. Child keeps postponing going to bed. Mother and

Dad want to talk about a private problem of concern
for them. Child keeps hanging around preventing
them from talking.
“You” message: “You know it’s past your
bedtime. You are just trying to annoy us. You need
your sleep.”
“I” message:__________________________
5. Child pleads to be taken to a movie but he has not
cleaned up his room for several days, a job he
agreed to do.
“You” message: “You don’t deserve going to a
movie when you have been so inconsiderate and
selfish.”
“I” message: ___________________________

6. Child has been sulking and acting sad all day.

Mother doesn’t know the reason.
“You” message: “Come on now, stop this sulking.
Either brighten up or you’ll have to go outside and
sulk. You’re taking something too serious.”
“I’ message: ___________________________
7. Child is playing the stereo so loud it is interfering with
the parent’s conversation in the next room.
“You” message: “Can’t you be more considerate of
others? Why do you play that stereo so loud?”
“I” message:___________________________

8. Child promised to iron napkins to be used for dinner

party. During the day she dawdled, now it’s one hour
before the guests arrive and she has not started the
job.
“You” message: “You have fallen down on your job.
How can you be so thoughtless and irresponsible?”
“I” message: _____________________________
 Summary:
 If you create an environment where negativity is not
tolerated, where meetings and conversations take
place with purpose and meaning, and where people
praise and appreciate each other…. You also start to
create fertile ground for trust to develop. People don’t
always know how to be great, but they want to be!
Start by being great yourself and learn to be more
masterful in your communication.
 Take care in what you feed your mind. You’ll feel
better and the people around you will be grateful
for your lead.(1)