Role of Etiquette and Manners in Communication

Puttaraj A. Choukimath
Asst.Librarian, SDTM Library, Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Mumbai – 400 088
Tel: +91-22-2556 3290-6, Ext.285 (O), Email: puttuc@yahoo.com

0. Introduction
1. Communication Network of the Librarian
2. Communication Etiquette and Manners
2.1 Communication Etiquette
2.2 Principle of Trust
2.3 Building blocks of Communication Etiquette
2.4 Disability Etiquette
2.5 Gadget Etiquette
2.6 Manners in Communication
2.7 Importance of Manners
2.8 Ten Commandments for Good Manners
3. Netiquette: email etiquette
3.1 Elements of an Email Communication
3.2 Think Twice!
4. Conclusion
5. References
6. Bibliography
7. Webliography
8. Appendix
9. Etiquette and Manners: Selected quotes

0. INTRODUCTION

Human beings are complex social animals. We cannot get along by ourselves; we need
other members of our species around. Etiquette and manners help keep us from hurting each
other so we can remain together.

Creating a dynamic self-introduction, introducing others, improving listening skills,

wearing proper business attire, using correct grammar, and good telephone etiquette all
contribute to first-class professional communication.

Today, it’s easier than ever to stay in touch with customers, colleagues, family and
friends. Whether in the office, at home, or on the go, there are communication tools that can

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keep you connected just about anywhere. But, along with these new tools are new rules on
etiquette.

Remember, communication etiquette is about more than being courteous. The tone and
manner of how you communicate could determine whether you win, lose, satisfy or
disappoint the person on the other side.

1. COMMUNICATION NETWORK OF THE LIBRARY & INFORMATION

PROFESSIONAL:

“One of the core competencies for librarians today is communication skills.”- Maggie Weaver

Students
Faculty
Publishers
&
Suppliers
Institutions
&
Organisatio
Ancillary Lib. & Info. -ns
Staff Professiona
l

Authorities
&
Administrators
Authors,
Editors, etc.

Colleague
Media s

2. ETIQUETTE AND MANNERS

Etiquette and manners have been around as long as man has been here. There is
evidence of this in even the most primitive of tribes and groups of people in the vast, far
reaches of the world. Etiquette or manners expected in any group, are the social rules that we
live by in order to show respect to others and ourselves. Professional etiquette builds
leadership, quality, business and careers.

According to the Oxford dictionary etiquette is the conventional rules of personal

behaviour in polite society. It is about being well-mannered, courteous and showing respect
for each other.

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2.1 COMMUNICATION ETIQUETTE

There is no single set of rules that constitutes good etiquette. Communication is

personal and relies so much on context. If you know someone well and if you have high trust
in each other then you can communicate the things that maybe you couldn't say to someone
you barely know.

As individuals we simply need to be conscious of the subliminal harm we may do

unwittingly through communication and modify our behaviour accordingly.

2.1.1 Principle of Trust:

It is believed however that there is a single principle - that is one of Trust.

Communication should be used to build trust - not to destroy it.

Endeavour not to destroy Trust:

 do not criticise or blame

 do not be manipulative

 do not be arrogant

 do not discuss emotional issues

 do not reply in the heat of the moment

 do not ignore messages to which a reply is needed

 do not breach confidentiality

 do not overload the system with unnecessary messages

2.1.2 Building blocks of Communication Etiquette: They include -

 responding in a timely manner

 thanking publicly
 informing people
 apologising publicly
 demonstrating personal integrity
 replying promptly even to say no
 praising people
 supporting people
 giving positive feedback
 keeping promises

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  being honest, kind and courteous

2.1.3 Disability Etiquette:

Many of us grew up in a time when we were taught to look away when we saw
a person with a disability. Those days are over and, with the passage of the
Disabilities Acts around the world, our society is learning to welcome people with
disabilities into mainstream as productive individuals. One has to be a part of that
process and don't have to feel awkward when dealing with a person who has a
disability.

Communication: Talk directly to the person, not to an aide, friend, or

interpreter. If the person has a speech impairment, listen carefully and patiently. Ask
him to repeat if you don't understand. If the person doesn't understand you when you
speak, try again. Don't let him think your communication with him is not worthwhile to
you. If the person is deaf or hard of hearing, follow his or her lead; use gestures or
write. If the person uses a wheelchair, sit and converse at his level.

Words with Dignity:

The following words have strong negative The following words are more affirmative and reflect a
connotations more positive attitude
 Handicap  physically disabled
 the handicapped  person with a disability
 crippled with  person who has multiple sclerosis
 victim  person who has muscular dystrophy
 spastic  paraplegic (person with limited or no use of
 patient (except in hospital) lower limbs)
 invalid  quadriplegic (person with limited or no use of
 paralytic all four limbs
 stricken with  person who has cerebral palsy
 person who had polio
 person with mental retardation
 person with mental disability
 person who is blind
 person who has a speech impairment
 person with a learning disability
 birth defect  caused by "_____"
 inflicted  disabled since birth
 afflicted/afflicted by  born with "_____"
 deformed/deformed by
 incapacitated
 poor
 unfortunate
 deaf and dumb  deaf person
 deaf mute  pre-lingually (deaf at birth) deaf
 post-lingually (deaf after birth) deaf
 deaf/profoundly deaf (no hearing capability)
 hearing-impaired (some hearing capability)

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  confined to a wheelchair  person in a wheelchair
 restricted to a wheelchair  person who uses a wheelchair
 wheelchair bound  person who walks with crutches

Explanation: Crutches, walkers, and wheelchairs are

mobility aids. Without the use of these mobility aids, the
person is restricted from participation in their community.

Courtesy: CRI brochure, accessed on January 4, 2006

from http://www.crinet.org/dignity.php

2.1.4 Gadget Etiquette:

Etiquette is basically about paying some attention to the convenience and comfort of
the people that you interact with. Whether technology is involved or not, the basics of good
manners apply. Technology doesn’t cause it or contribute to breaches of manners, they just put
a new face on old symptoms of inattention, indifference, or boorishness.

In the meantime, you can establish a set of guidelines for your workgroup, your
company, or even your family. You may need to collaborate on what is acceptable for
meetings, work sessions, and dining situations so that you can enjoy peace, productivity, and
each other's company.

Know Your Gadget Before You Use It: This one suggestion would prevent a lot of dropped
calls, accidental e-mails, and blockages of systems. Mishaps with technology happen because
we have a tendency to start using new devices (or new features of old devices) before we have
a good understanding of how they work.

Read the manuals, and test new features out with a friend or co-worker if you need to.
(Asking their permission first, of course!) If you’re fully comfortable with how a device or
feature works, you’re less likely to fumble a message or bungle a phone call.

Etiquette Perspective on Various Gadget Features:

1.Call Forwarding: Call forwarding allows you to transfer a call

from one phone to another. As an example, if you forward your
office phone to your cell phone, someone who calls your office
phone will ring your cell phone so that you can answer while you're
away from your desk.

2. Conference Calls, Speaker Phones, and Recording Calls: Collaborative phone

calls can be a very inexpensive and productive way to have a meeting or work session.
Pre-recorded calls can allow a number of people at different places and different times
to access audio information, and ensures that it is delivered consistently. You can also
record calls for your own future reference, or to cover legal requirements.

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 3. Auto-reply (Out of Office Message): You can set up most e-mail systems to send
mail on your behalf.

4. Reply All: This is a feature on some e-mail packages that allows you to reply to
everyone who was copied on the original message. The default is (and should be!) to
reply only to the sender of a given message.

5. Setting Your Own Guidelines: Your institute/organizations, or your family, may

want to set up some guidelines for the use of electronic devices. Some things to
consider:

i. “Check Your Guns At the Door”: It is better to have a "check your

guns at the door" policy in any meetings where the attention of participants is
required. This means that all cell phones, pagers, laptops, etc. have to be turned
off.

ii. “Silent Only”: You may also have less formal meetings, sittings or
workgroup sessions; or sessions where people involved with critical operations
functions are required to attend, and are required to be “pageable.” If this is the
case, insist that all devices be set to “silent mode” and calls be taken only for
emergencies.

iii. Technology Free Zones: We may need to designate certain areas as

“technology free” or at least “silent” at all times, such as kloaks, libraries,
family dining areas, etc. This will give you some oases of peace to think and
plan, or socialize in person with co-workers or family members in the absence
of beeps, clicks and annoying little tunes.

2.2 Manners in Communication:

Good manners are not inherited from generation to generation, therefore they are learned
skills.

2.1 Importance of Manners: “Manners will open doors that the best education cannot.”
It is believed that, good manners are the key that opens the doors of opportunity. No one
will take a person seriously, or even listen to him if he has no manners.

2.2 Ten Commandments for Good Manners :

1. Be Yourself: Good Manners begin with a good sense of self. Unless you are true
to yourself, you can never be true to others. You are unique. Don't try to shape
your personality to meet circumstances. Be natural, and the world will respect you
for what you are.

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2. Say "Thank You" : Thanking others is a way of praising them and is one of the
keys to having good manners. Send thank-you notes whenever someone does
something nice for you, or telephone to express your gratitude. This simple act will
help build lasting relationships. When someone gives you a compliment, the best
response is a simple "thank you." And don't forget "Please," "Excuse me," and
"You're welcome," which are other marks of good manners.

3. Give Compliments : A fundamental rule of good manners is to give. Think about

what you can give to others, and remember that the most precious gifts cost
nothing. When you meet someone, you can always think of a genuine compliment
to give. A "Hello" or "How are you?" is not enough. You can also give your
undivided attention and interest to others. You can be generous with words of
praise, warm greetings, sympathy, love, or other good news.

4. Not be Boastful, Arrogant or Loud : Always exercise restraint and good taste.
Your voice, your behavior and even your clothing should reflect understated
elegance. Only a small person brags about accomplishments; a well-mannered
person has no need for self-advertisement. Let your deeds speak for themselves.

5. Listen Before Speaking : Respect for others is a prerequisite of good manners.

Listening to others is a way to show respect. There is no worse company than a
person that does not listen. Be genuinely interested in others; learn their names,
and encourage them to talk about themselves. Never interrupt. Look them in the
eye, and listen carefully. The listener learns and thereby gains.

6. Speak with Kindness and Caution : Before speaking to others, consider what
effect your words will have. Pause and weigh your words carefully and say them
with a quality of softness. A slip of the tongue can inflict needless hurt. Also,
remember the language of the body (your posture and your mannerisms) is as
important as the language of words.

7. Don’t Criticize or Complain : A person with good manners is above criticizing

others or complaining about circumstances. Negativity is any form is to be
avoided. If you hear gossip, don't join in, be indifferent to it. If you disagree with
others, do so respectfully. Don't verbally attack or condemn them. You may win
the argument, but lose a valued friend.

8. Be Punctual : Appreciate the value of time, yours and others. If you make an
appointment, arrive on time. If you must be late, call first. Never arrive early for a
social engagement; your host may still be getting dressed! Don't overstay your
welcome. Lingering good-byes merely cause frustration and can ruin an otherwise
good time. A quick, simple exit at the proper time is usually appreciated.

9. Don’t Embarrass Others : Treat others as you would like to be treated, and think
of how you can put them at ease. The feelings of other people can be as fragile as
fine crystal. Never demean anyone with rude jokes or an unwelcome nickname. Be

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 considerate. In conversation, never ask embarrassing questions such as how much
was paid for a new item or about matters of the heart. It's always good manners to
think of others first.

10. Act and Look Your Best : A gracious friend is never ruffled. Be a calming, happy
influence in any stressful situation and maintain your composure. See humor
whenever possible. Master self-control and have empathy for others. Always act
your best with courtesy and politeness.

Each day dress as if it were your only chance to shine. A smile should top your list of
accessories. Your home, car and workplace should reflect your best. They should be
tidy, neat and well organized.

3. NETIQUETTE: ETIQUETTE IN THE ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATION

Electronic mail has revolutionised communication. With the advent of email, it is possible to
communicate with a person across twelve time zones just as easily as with a person in the
same building. At the click of a mouse, a message can reach out to hundreds, or it can be
limited to some. It is hard to imagine any other form of communication, which is as intimate,
focused and expansive in scope.

E-mail is like a ‘loaded gun’. Having quickly sent a message in a moment of anger, on most e-
mail systems you cannot retrieve it.

In electronic communities you establish many more relationships where you do not know the
people with whom you are communicating - you may never have even met them. Thus you
have not built a high trust level with them and it is easy to misinterpret intentions.

There is lack of context. You do not know what pressures the other person is under and so
may press too hard at times for action or a reply and be surprised at a fiery response.

E-mail is more public. You should always assume that an e-mail that bad mouths or criticises
someone could end up being forwarded to them or overseen.

All civilised societies expect personal interactions to be guided by courtesy, grace and socially
acceptable behaviour. Cyberspace is no different. Virginia Shea, the network manners guru,
explains Netiquette as the ‘etiquette of cyberspace’ or ‘a set of rules for behaving properly
online’. People perceive a person — his credibility and professionalism — by the way he
communicates online. The observation of Netiquette results in lasting impressions, impacting
a person’s social acceptance and professional growth. Operating within the confines of the
simple norms discussed below, while maximising the benefits from this powerful
communication channel, will ensure the social affability of the users.

3.1 Elements of an Email Communication:

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Subject: The subject must be concise, meaningful and ideally confined to around five words,
in order to catch the receiver’s eye and not get lost in the myriad mails that people receive
daily. It is also important to change the subject in string mails to suit the current context.

Salutaion: There is a wide range of options available for the salutation — e.g. dear, hi, hello
or no salutation. While the salutations ‘hi’ and ‘hello’ are appropriate in informal
communication, ‘dear’ is a neutral salutation, used in both formal and informal situations.
‘Respected’ is considered obsolete today and skipping the salutation altogether is also
acceptable.

The titles, Mr, Miss, Mrs and Ms are used in formal communication. The title ‘Ms’,
which is marital status neutral, is considered more appropriate in today’s corporate culture
compared to Miss or Mrs. A common error is the use of a title with the first name eg Mr
Ashok. A title is always used with the surname or the full name. Eg Mr Ashok Sen or Mr Sen.

Sign off: There are numerous options available for the sign off. ‘Regards’, with or without
qualifiers like ‘kind’ and ‘best’, is used for addressing people with whom one has established
a relationship. ‘Sincerely’ is used in very formal business communication eg a job application.
‘Yours faithfully’, reminiscent of school applications, is defunct as a sign off in corporate
communication. Very often people sign off with ‘Thanks and Regards’. ‘Thanks’ should be
restricted to situations that demand a ‘thank you’ and not used as a rule in every
communication.

The choice of salutation, title and sign off must be synchronised based on the situation
and the culture of the organisation. Examples are given below:

1. Hi / Hello /Dear Rahul a Regards, Ashok a informal

2. Dear Mr Dalal aRegards / Sincerely, Ashok Sen a formal
3. Hi Rahul aSincerely, Ashok Sen a incongruous
4. Dear Mr Dalal aRegards, Ashok a incongruous

Message or Text: There is no place for verbosity in email communication. The text should be
concise, capturing the essence of the message, without being terse. Multiple ideas are best
presented using bullets rather than as running sentences in a paragraph. The use of bullets
improves the readability and the comprehension of the message. The message should be so
framed that it fits within the size of a single screen, since the possibility that the reader will
not pursue the message to the next screen cannot be ruled out! Ideally a sentence should be
confined to about one and a half lines and a paragraph to about five lines.

Fonts: A MESSAGE IN ALL CAPS IS HARD TO READ AND IS THE EQUIVALENT OF

SHOUTING IN EMAILS. Use uppercase for emphasis. Remember that if you emphasise
everything, in effect nothing is emphasised. On the other hand, an entire message typed in
lowercase not only hampers the readability but also violates the rules of English grammar.

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 Colour, italics and bold can be used judiciously for emphasis and effect. However, a
random use of these features lends a certain triviality to the message depriving it of its
seriousness.

Language: The impact of the most articulate message is marred by discrepancies in spellings
and punctuation. Remember to proof read your document before clicking on the ‘send’ button.

Acronyms, rampant in emails, often trade saving key strokes for confusion. While
abbreviations like BTW (by the way) and ASAP (as soon as possible) may be acceptable in
informal communication, they are a definite no-no in formal communication.

Icons/Symbols: Electronic mail has very nearly the immediacy of a conversation, but is
totally devoid of ‘body language’. The concept of ‘emoticons’ has evolved to address this
lacuna. Emoticons comprise a series of smiley faces, which are appended with sentences to
demonstrate emotion — eg J for a joyous and L for a sorrowful situation. While emoticons
may be used in personal communication, they have no place in business communication.

Importance: We live in the age of information overload and the indiscriminate use of email is
no mean contributor to this. Chain letters and jokes, while rubbing the sensibilities of many
the wrong way also use up precious resources and clutter up the inboxes of people, leading to
the bounce off of important mails. Unimportant mails of this nature should be sent only with
the prior permission of the receiver.

Reply: The indiscrete use of the ‘reply all’ option generates avoidable traffic, besides being a
source of annoyance to the recipients. Imagine a scenario where a person has initiated a mail
to invite ten people for a meeting and each person responds using the ‘reply all’ option. This
generates hundred responses, whereas the situation warranted only ten.

Security: Email is not a private medium of communication, as hackers may be at work and
one may accidentally receive or send mail meant for somebody else. Therefore, confidential
information like credit card numbers must never feature in emails.

Signature: A ‘signature’ is a small block of text appended to the end of a message, which
contains the sender’s contact information like the name of the organisation, phone and fax
numbers. The signature should be confined to four to six lines, as long signatures not only
waste bandwidth, but are also be annoying.

Style: While personal styles may differ, business emails should adhere to business
correspondence in style, correctness and formality. The level of professionalism and courtesy
in one’s communication will always gain positive response and favouring results.

Take a pause: Being proactive in this manner is more difficult. Try to pause once or twice
each day when using e-mail and ask yourself the questions:

“What deposits can I make in people’s emotional bank accounts today?”

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 “How can I build and improve relationships within the electronic community in which
I operate?”

3.2 Think Twice!:

 Think Twice before sending a message.

- Would I do better not to send it? Should I use the phone or walk around and talk to
the person face to face?

 Think Twice before sending to a distribution list.

- Do all these people really need to see this message?

 Think Twice before forwarding a message.

- Does the recipient really need to see this?

 Think Twice before copying a message.

- Do they really need to see it? Am I ass-covering or politicking?

 Think Twice before replying to every recipient of the message.

- Maybe just the author will do?

If you send someone an unnecessary message you make a small withdrawal from their
emotional bank account. If you are at home and a huge binary file attachment of several
megabytes takes an hour to download and it's not needed, then you take one ‘bloody huge’
withdrawal from that person’s emotional bank account with you!

4. CONCLUSION:

The importance of skilful interpersonal communication to the provision of effective

information services is now widely recognised. In addition to the various other dimensions of
expertise which ‘information professional’ draw upon they must be able to interact
successfully with colleagues and other professional workers as well as business people and
clientele.

It is self evident that, etiquette and self confidence and self esteem are intertwined.
Etiquette and manners should be the backbone of every communication to succeed.

The basics of courtesy still apply in every situation, they just need to be applied
differently in different situation. As they pervade the culture, hopefully more people will
recognize this.

5. REFERENCES:

5.1 Bibliography:

Aung, M.H. (1937): Burmese Drama. Oxford. Oxford University Press.

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Beebe, S. A., Mottet, T. P. and Roach, K. D. (2004): Training And Development: Enchancing
Communication and leadership skills] Boston, Pearson Education.

Dickson, D.A., Hargie, O.D.W. & Morrow, N.C. (1989): Communication Skills Training For
Health Professionals: An instructors handbook. London, Chapman & Hall.

Dulois, A. J. A. (1906): Hindu Costoms, Manners and Cevemonoics. Oxford. Clerendon

Press.

Flavell, J. H. (1968): Development of Role-Taking and Communication Skills in Childern.

New York. John Wiley And Sons.

Ganning, L. (1982): Dictionary of Bad Manners. Massachusetts. Houghton Mifflin Co.

Hadida, H.C. (1950): Manners for Millions. New York. Barnes And Noble Inc.

Hargie, O. (Ed.) (1986): Handbook of Communication Skills. London. Croom Helm Ltd.

Joshi, S. (1965): Kuthe kase Vagave?. Mumbai. Majestic Book Stall.

Koch, A. and Felber (1985): What Did You Say? : a guide to communication skill. New
Jersey. Prentice Hall Inc.

Langewitz, W. (1998): Improving Communications skills-A Randomized Controlled

behaviorally oriented intervention study for residents in Internal Medicine. In: Psychosomatic
Medicine Vol.60(3), May/Jun, pp.268-276

Management Shapers. (1997): Management Shapers: Telephone Skills. Hyderabad.

University Press.

McFadyen, R.G. and Gray, C.D. (1995): Manners of expressing negative and sympathetic
attitudes towards the unemployed. In: British Journal of Social Psychology, Vol.34(3), Sep,
pp.303-324;

Mohan, K. and Banerji, M. (1990): Developing Communication Skills. New Delhi.

Macmillan India Ltd.

Quandt, I.J. (1983): Language Arts for the Child. New Jersey. Prentice Hall Inc.

Radhakrishnan, V.H. (1999): Trainer Skills, Knowledge and Attributes. In: Indian Journal of
Training and Development,Vol.29(3), Jul-Sep, pp.3-16

Rajadhyaksha, U. (2002): Teaching Communication: where do Indian business schools

stand?. In: Vikalapa: The Journal for Decision Makers, Vol. 27(2), Apr-Jun, pp.49-56

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Sharan, S. (1999): Listening-Key to Effective Communication. In: Personnel Today,
Vol.20(2), Jul-Sep, pp.27-30

5.2 Webliography:

Etiquette Ladies dot Com. “Etiquette Tips and Hot Topics.”

http://www.etiquetteladies.com/pdf/Etiquette_Tips_and_Hot_Topics.pdf (27.12.2005)

Gamonal, Paula. “Gadget Etiquette: Using Technology with Good Manners.”

http://www.ravenwerks.com/technology/gadget.htm

Gurteen, David. “An Etiquette for Computer-Based Communication.”

http://www.gurteen.com/gurteen/gurteen.nsf/0/ECAAC68EBC29C8C6802568090059DCAC/
(30.12.2005)

Hughes, S.W. “Email Etiquette” (Handout)

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/print/pw/PDFs/p_emailett.pdf (30.12.2005)

IEE. “Managemen Keys: Communiacation Etiquette.”

http://www.iee.org/oncomms/pn/management/COMMUNICATION%20ETIQUETTE.pdf
(23.12.2005)

Schroye, Jay. “Minding your Manners: E-mail Etiquette.”

http://www.videoprofessor.com/resourcelibrary/careerdevelopment/emailetiquette.html

Sih, M. “A good impression can take seconds to make, last years.”

http://www.bizjournals.com/kansascity/stories/1998/06/01/smallb2.html

Sofweb. “Netiquette.”
http://www.sofweb.vic.edu.au/internet/netiquet.htm (30.12.2005)

“Ten Commandments For Good Manners.”

http://www.bixxo.com/npa/10_com.html

6. APPENDIX

ETIQUETTE AND MANNERS: Selected Quotes

“A little gentility might be the thing that distinguishes you from the competition. Knowledge of
etiquette should be part of everyone's repertoire of business skills. Having it produces a tremendous
competitive advantage.”
-PublicVirtues.com

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"Knowledge of good manners can lead to success in life. Appropriate conduct can make or break
business deals, or determine the outcome of a job interview."
-Ron Patterson, president of John Robert Powers

“Companies can make more money by having employees that use proper etiquette while at
work. In contrast, employees that do not use proper etiquette while at work can cost the
company money. Also, in dealing with the companies' customers, proper etiquette should be
used. Customers that are impressed by courteous and helpful employees will return because of
the way they were treated and not necessarily because of the stores prices. The article also
states that companies should enforce proper etiquette, not just embrace it.”
-(Gaillaird, 1999), Business Etiquette Can be Your Ticket to Success

“Employees should develop and maintain proper work etiquette to make interaction at work a
smooth and enjoyable experience for everyone. Research indicates that there is a clear need
for etiquette training in the workplace.”
-Southern New Hampshire University, Graduate School of Business Study: Incivility in the Workplace

"Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ manners matter. They make it possible for people to work with
one another."
-Peter Drucker, father of modern management

“Etiquette is behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.”

-Will Cuppy

“Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Good manners have much to do with emotions. To make them ring true, one must feel them, not
merely exhibit them.”
-Amy Vanderbilt

“To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.”
-Voltaire

“Nowadays, manners are easy and life is hard”

-Benjamin Disraeli