2.2 Radical Rewrite: Watch Your Tone! (Objs.

4, 5)
The following demanding message to be sent by the vice president to all employees suffers from many
writing faults, requiring a radical rewrite.

Your Task. Analyze the message and list at least five writing faults. Pay special attention to its tone.
Your instructor may ask you to revise the message so that it reflects some of the expert writing techniques
you learned in this chapter. How can you make this message more courteous, positive, and precise? In
addition, think about using familiar words and developing the “you” view.

To: All Employees

From: Sybil Montrose <smontrose@syracuse.com>
Subject: Revised Policy for Online Use by Employees
Cc:
Bcc:
Attached: Revised E-Mail and Internet Policy

Effective immediately, we will be implementing a new policy for email and Internet use. This policy
allows you to use the Internet and email for work-related business and for essential personal messages.

Our IT managers, however, tell me that our bandwidth has been seriously compromised as a result of
employee gaming, blogging, shopping, chatting, and downloading of streaming video. These activities are
definitely not work-related.

We distributed an e-mail policy a little while ago. We have now found it necessary to amplify and
extrapolate that policy to include use of the Internet. If our company fails to control its e-mail and Internet
use, you will continue to suffer slow downloads and virus intrusions. You may also lose the right to use e-
mail altogether. In the past every employee has had the right to send a personal e-mail occasionally, but
he must use that right carefully. We don't want to prohibit the personal use of e-mail entirely. Don’t make
me do this!

You will be expected to study the attached E-Mail and Internet policy and return the signed form with
your agreement to adhere to this policy. You must return this form by March 1. No exceptions!

List at least five specific writing faults and include examples.

1. Begins with a negative tone, (I have the decidedly unpleasant task.)
2. Continues the negativity (you may NOT utilize company computers.)
3. Uses unprofessional language when talking to employees ( some of you boys and girls)
4.