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How to Avoid Negative People

Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC
Updated: March 29, 2019

Being around negative people can drain your energy and cause you to feel trapped and
overwhelmed. Learning to recognize the negative people in your life, and finding ways to avoid them
will result in a more sustainable and satisfying life for you. If you can't avoid the person completely,
there are other ways to handle the person's negativity and limit the effect it has on your life.

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Method One of Three:

Staying Away From Someone
 Walk away. If you see the person coming, turn around and walk in the other direction. Cross
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the street, or duck into a shop. If you're lucky, the negative person won't have seen your
maneuver.[1]

If you know the negative person's normal routines, avoid going to the places where she's
likely to be, or go at times she's unlikely to be there.
It's important to be aware of your surroundings so that you don't accidentally encounter the
negative person.

2 Don't pay attention to the negative person. To avoid someone, make sure you're never
available for conversation. Keep your phone handy, so you can pretend to be completely
engaged in it if the person you're trying to avoid shows up unexpectedly.[2]

Making eye contact invites communication, so if you accidentally encounter the negative
person, try to avoid looking them in the eye. Instead, pretend to be busy looking elsewhere.
If you know anyone else in the vicinity, get involved in a conversation. When the negative
person sees you engaged in a conversation with another person, she's unlikely to interrupt
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3 Surround yourself with positive friends. Almost all friends have a mix of positive and
negative qualities. If you stop engaging in negativity, chances are you'll find yourself with
more positive people.

Limit your responses to negative topics to neutral ones, such as, "I see," or "Okay." When
someone gives a positive response, react with enthusiasm.
Negative people tend to stay "stuck" in bad things that happen, and exaggerating their plight.
Positive people tend to focus on the good things that happen, even though they may
acknowledge difficulty and challenges. This is because positive people tend to have an
internal locus of control, which means they feel more in control of their circumstances and
the things that happen to them.[3]
When negative subjects arise, it's okay to change the subject.
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4 Hang out in groups. If you can, make sure that there are other people around when you're
with the negative person. More people will help disperse her negative energy, and help you
keep perspective.

When she's in a group situation, the negative person might act and respond differently to you
than when the two of you are alone together.
If the group energy is mostly positive, then you'll be less effected by the negative energy
coming from the person you're trying to avoid.
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5 Don't engage in arguments with the person. Arguments only strengthen the social ties
between yourself and the negative person. If you're trying to avoid the person, you should let
them know that you're done with the conversation, and simply walk away.[4]

You're not debating your decision to avoid the person. This isn't a decision that needs be
made together.
Defending your decision only allows the negative person more control over your life. You
don't need to justify your decision to avoid her, or prove that you're right. You have the option
to avoid anyone you decide to.
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6 Block the person on social media. If you're serious about avoiding the negative person in
your life, don't engage with them on social media. Allowing someone to post on your
Facebook wall, or take over a conversational thread, only furthers their hold on your life.[5]

Be prepared for the person to react negatively to being cut from your social media feed.
You may need to block the person from contacting you by email as well. The person should
get the message that you're avoiding her.
If the person doesn't respect your boundaries, and continues to try to contact you after
repeated blocks and lack of response on your part, you may need to seek additional help
keeping her away.
 7 Don't feel like you owe the person an explanation. Deciding what your boundaries are, who
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you are going to spend time with, and who you choose to avoid, are all personal decisions
that each individual has the right to make for herself. You don't have to explain your decision to
anyone unless you feel like it.[6]

A brief explanation of why you're deciding to end a friendship can be done in writing or in
person, but you don't need to provide a lengthy explanation.
A longer explanation can quickly become a debate about whether or not you're right, when all
you really need to do is tell them calmly that you've decided to end the friendship.

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Method Two of Three:

Learning to Handle Negativity

1 Be willing to listen to the person. Reflect on a time when you were struggling with
something difficult and how that made you feel. This person may be going through a rough
time and simply be in need of someone to listen to them. Don’t ignore or brush off someone just
because they are negative. Try to have some empathy for their situation and offer to listen.

For example, perhaps the person just got out of a long-term relationship and is feeling
hopeless about their prospects for finding a loving partner. They might really appreciate you
saying something like, “I have noticed you have been having a hard time lately. Do you want
to talk about it?”
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2 Understand the reason for the person's negativity. If you're trying to find ways to deal with
your friend's negativity, knowing more about why she's so negative might help. Usually
negativity comes from one of 3 basic fears: the fear of being disrespected, the fear of not being
loved, and the fear that something bad is going to happen.[7]

If you can, provide your friend reassurance to the basic fear that's underneath whatever she's
complaining about.
Avoid talking directly about the complaint she mentions. For example, if your negative friend
is complaining about the way her boss treats her, she might be concerned about her financial
security (if she loses her job) and her pride or self-esteem (maybe she feels like her job isn't
worthy of respect). Rather than engage in complaints about her boss, focus on the economic
upturn in your local economy, or that her job has a lot of room for growth.
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3 Keep it light. Some people find it hard to talk about certain topics without quickly becoming
negative. If you're trying to avoid negative people, stay away from those topics that are likely
to deteriorate into complaints and self-pity. If a topic like this comes up, quickly steer the
conversation into lighter ground.

Try talking about the latest movie you've seen, happy news, or your hobbies might help your
friend be more positive.
Have compassion for yourself through this process. If you don't allow yourself to become
derailed by self-judgment, you'll be more able to successfully navigate your friendship.
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4 Find common ground. If you realize that your friend is just offering her perspective, or not
being intentionally manipulative, it may be easier for you to find the common ground in what
she's said. Often, resistance and disagreement encourages negative spirals of conversation that
can be avoided simply by identifying with something the person has said.[8]

For example, if your husband says, "Shut up, I'm not finished," you can choose to respond by
saying, "I'm sorry, please go on." This response connects with his perspective (that you
interrupted) and deflates the negative spiral.
On the other hand, if your husband says, "Shut up, I'm not finished," and you say, "I didn't
interrupt, and you're a jerk," you'll only escalate the negative tension.
 Seek the help of a mediator or therapist. In most relationships, research suggests that 60%
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of difficulties may be insolvable. The issue isn't the fact of the problem in the relationship,
but the way in which the couple chooses to handle it.[9]

A professional counselor may be useful at helping you identify the patterns of your
relationship or friendship, and to learn new ways of coping with your differences.
The belief that you and your friend or spouse should share the same point of view on most
issues, large or small, is a myth that will ultimately create more difficulty coping with your
differences. Recognizing that different perspectives are normal and healthy may help your
friendship be more positive.

6 Control your response to the negative person. Journaling, meditation, and yoga have all
been shown to be effective tools in handling ongoing relationships with negative people.
Using mindfulness exercises to bring your attention to your own response, rather than reacting to
the actions of the negative person, have been shown to be successful in clinical research
conducted by psychologists.[10]
 Other beneficial practices included concentration meditation and training designed to Search
promote empathy.
This research suggests that regardless of the actions of another person, it's possible to
manage your own response and minimize the negative impact another person has upon your
life.

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Method Three of Three:

Realizing When Someone's Negative
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1 Notice that someone is a negative person. The first step in avoiding negative people is to
recognize when they're in your life. If you're consistently drained, depressed or exhausted
after spending an hour with someone in your life, think about why this may be. Do you look
forward to seeing the person? Or are you spending time with them for other reasons, such as
feeling sorry for the person or wanting to help them with difficult parts of their life?[11]

Keeping a journal of your emotions can help you notice your feelings around others. If you
notice that you feel depleted after a social activity with a friend, write it down. Notice if you
experience similar feelings with this person on other days, or with other people.[12]
Try to spend some time writing in your journal every day. The more often you journal, the
more accurate, and revealing, your journal is likely to be.
If the negative person is someone you're related to, it might be difficult to think clearly about
whether or not you like the person. Try to imagine that you're just meeting the person for the
first time, and consider if you'd want to become his friend.
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2 Think about the way the person acts towards you. Does he try to control you, or tell you
what to do? Does he act like your point of view isn't important? Does he usually see himself
as the victim of other people's actions, or does he take responsibility for his part? Answering
these questions may help you decide if the person is a negative influence in your life.[13]

For the purposes of this exercise, it doesn't matter why he does these things. Whether he had
a bad childhood, or is getting through a divorce, or any other life circumstance, is
inconsequential. You're simply gathering information as it relates to your own life.
When someone is always the victim of other people's actions, feeling oppressed or
marginalized, or is always excusing his own bad behavior because of other people's actions,
this is a sign of a negative person.

3 Identify what you enjoy about the person. Taking a quiz[14] or going through a checklist of
positive qualities might help you identify what you like about someone in your life. It's
important to discern what you enjoy about someone's company, because if you don't know what
you get out of the relationship, chances are you'll find yourself repeating this process with Search
another negative person.[15]

For example, if you enjoy helping people, you might find yourself seeking out negative people
to try to "fix" or help, and get trapped.
Many negative people also have qualities that are engaging and attractive. For example, your
negative friend may also be very smart and funny, or may enjoy some of the same hobbies
you do.

4 Find other ways to get what you need. If you've identified some traits in your friend that you
enjoy, try to think of ways to get that positive experience in other, healthier, ways. For
example, if you like helping people, spend time volunteering with a charitable organizations. If
you liked spending time with the person because she shared your interests, find a group of
friends who share similar interests.[16]

Try a "meetup" group or other special interest group, which will be full of potential new
friends who share your interest.
 Find the positive qualities in your own life that don't include the negative person. Search

5 Limit the amount of time you spend with the person. Find other ways to fill your time, so
that you're often too busy to spend time with the negative person. Develop other friendships
that encourage your positive feelings and make sure to be kind to yourself as well. Set aside
some time each day for self-care activities, such as taking a walk, engaging in a favorite hobby, or
getting a manicure.[17]

Creating distance from another person often involves giving yourself internal permission,
realizing that it's okay to take care of yourself by avoiding the negative person.
Trust that this is a process, and you won't be able to shed yourself of a negative person
overnight. This is particularly true if the negative person is someone you've known for a long
time, a relative or spouse.
Be gentle with yourself as you disengage from the negative person.
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Community Q&A

Question

How to avoid the person if he/she is your classmate or even a seatmate?

Community Answer

You may not be able to avoid being near them, but you can still avoid talking to them. If they bother you
during class, ask them not to, and if it doesn't stop, complain to the teacher. Outside of class, you can
avoid them as much as you like.

27 0

Question

What's the difference between being realistic and being negative?

Community Answer

Being negative means only pointing out the bad things, while being realistic is telling the truth, good and
bad.

25 1
 Question Search
What if the negative person blames me for his fate?

Community Answer

That's just more of him being negative. Each person is responsible for his or her own fate. Ignore people
who say otherwise, and attempt to stay away from them as much as possible.

20 2

Question

Im standing for elections in school and my friend in my class is standing for the same category.
Now we have lot of competition. My classmates are being rude to me and taking her side. What
can I do?

Community Answer

Ignore them. Work on your preparations and, when you win, you'll knock the smile off of their faces. If
your friend is encouraging the teasing, then she's not a friend worth having.

14 2

Question

My roommate and I have a common hangout group. Her negative nature has taken its toll on me.
How do I go back to my positive and confident self?

Community Answer

Being around negative people can definitely have a negative effect on you. Maybe try talking to your
roommate about her negativity, or just try to put some space in between the two of you. Instead of
hanging out with her so much, try surrounding yourself with positive and happy people.

9 3

Question

How do I avoid negative people if the teacher makes me sit next to them?
 PeaceWithin
Community Answer Search

For one, you can always ask your teacher to change seats and give them a good explanation that the
people next to you are being really negative. However, if that does not work, there are other solutions.
Turn the negativity into something positive. Every situation has two sides, and if you can look at the
brighter side than there is no reason to become negative. You can express this verbally or internally, but
that choice is up to you.

9 5

Question

How can I avoid a negative parent?

Community Answer

Don't - make up with them. It can be hard to deal with negative people, but you will miss your parents
when they're gone, so I recommend trying to overcome that negativity instead of just avoiding them.
Consider sitting down with your parents and letting them know that you notice their negativity and
would like to help them feel better if you can - maybe you could offer to take on some additional chores
around the house. It's possible that their negativity is fueled by stress, so an offer like this could do a lot
in the way of reducing that negativity.

8 16

Question

I am trying to stay away from a toxic ex friend, but sometimes in class, because she sits behind
me, I find myself talking to her, probably because I am bored. What are some tips for how I can
ignore her?

Tara Burke
Community Answer

Try sitting with different people or branching out socially, so that you can talk with other people when
bored. Pick up a small hobby that you could do during class when bored - try sketching in your exercise
book, for example, as the teacher won’t notice you’re slacking off.

0 0

How I can avoid the person who speak lies about me?
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About This Article

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Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor

This article was co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC. Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in
Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Categories: Pessimism

Article Summary

References

1. ↑ http://www.hercampus.com/school/bryant/how-avoid-someone-pro
2. ↑ http://www.hercampus.com/school/bryant/how-avoid-someone-pro
3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/encyclopedia/locus-of-control/
4. ↑ http://theartofcharm.com/empowerment/cut-toxic-people-life/
5. ↑ http://theartofcharm.com/empowerment/cut-toxic-people-life/
6. ↑ http://theartofcharm.com/empowerment/cut-toxic-people-life/
7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201303/dealing-negative-people
8. ↑ http://psychotherapist.org/myths-and-truths-about-happy-couples.html
9. ↑ http://psychotherapist.org/myths-and-truths-about-happy-couples.html

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