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once in a while I'm late

and my boyfriend takes it so personally

I can understand why he gets upset but

he blows it way out of proportion this

triggers our biggest fight how can I

convince him it's not about him

questions from Paul in Fort Collins

Colorado

Paul there's so much in this question so

many different dynamics you know of the

way that people fight so let me take a

few here first of all this notion that

you decide that it is way out of

proportion in arguments and in hurts I

suggest that you not think of yourself

as the person who has the right

measurement stick on what is worthy of

being upset about and what is not it

never bodes well but then the other

thing to understand your boyfriend is

this is something that we do in

relationships that is really fascinating

and we call it confirmation bias which

means your boyfriend has decided for a

host of reasons quite a while back

probably that when you are late you are

doing this on purpose you know how much

it upset him and yet you're doing it

again
so obviously you mustn't care about him

or respect him to the degree that he

thinks you should otherwise you wouldn't

be doing this the way confirmation bias

works is that I am going to pick up

evidence along the way of everything

that's going to confirm to me that what

I believe is actually true and I'm going

to disregard any evidence that's going

to challenge it and make me want to

reconsider so if your boyfriend has

decided that you are purposefully

dissing him he is going to pick up all

the pieces of evidence that prove that

the multiple times where you actually

came early the multiple times when

you've been there on time the multiple

times when you've arranged specific

special things at that moment will

matter none because they would challenge

this idea and then of course what you

want to ask is

is why would you boyfriend persistent

thinking of yourself as not caring about

him

when you are trying to convince him that

you do why would we rather think that

the other person doesn't love us rather

than be released by learning that that's

not the case because there is something

in the way that we organize reality in

the way that this confirmation bias

gives us order it gives me a sense that

I know what's true and even if what's

true sucks I still prefer to think that

that's what's true because at least it

organizes my reality very strange things

that us human beings do so what can you

do to make this different don't get

first of all into the convincing him

that he shouldn't get upset he already

is so you simply tell him I totally know

how much you hate this you don't justify

yourself you don't try to explain why

this time you violate that it's a better

reason than all the other times you give

him the space to be pissed and you say

I'm sorry and you say you don't promise

it will never happen again because it

probably will and you tell him that you

can totally understand that given where

he is when you've done this six times

there is a reason he will continue to

think that that's what it means leave

him with the meaning that he has given

to it and leave him with the space and

stay connected that's probably at that

moment the best thing you can do and

another element of this situation that

you described that I see is this when

you are late according to you it's

because you have circumstances that

explain it it's because you have a busy

light it's because you're an important

person it's because somebody else needed

something from you it's circumstantial

if your partner is late it's because

they are disrespectful is because they

don't care about you it's because they

don't understand the notion of time it's

because they are selfish it's because

they're narcissistic you name it

yours is circumstantial theirs is

characterological this knows

that we have to attribute our flaws to

the general context but to attribute the

flaws of our partners to their internal

structure and personality is one of the

most amazing things we do in

relationships it's like mine is

excusable but yours is not mine is

situational yours is essential and it's

a fabulous thing to watch people do this

and I suggest a good dose of humor when

this happens see one of the things that

happens when couples are in conflict is

that by definition conflict creates a

contraction it stiffens there is no

flexibility there is no lives there is

no possible there is just categorical so

people instantly go into the you're

always late you always do this you never

care about what I say you never show up

when I need you to and it becomes

factual as if it really is the case and

one of the very important things to

understand in couples communication is

the fact that a lot of what is presented

as fact is actually an intensification

of someone's experience I feel like you

never show up that's not the same as you

never show up and to not shift my

feelings to pseudo factual talk when you

say to somebody you never the first

thing they're going to do is give you an

example of the last time when they did

just to prove you wrong just to

dismantle the whole thing you never

clean up you never pick up the kids you

never write to me you never call it what

about that time and they'll show you the

one and only sometimes but it is the one

and only time to refute your theory of

them because who can take on such a

condemnation you know full package

condemnation so the best thing you can

say it feels like that or happens all

the time I probably you don't do it

nearly as often as I think you do but in

this moment I don't see the other stuff

in this moment I just feel like it's

just so annoying you know and you're

allowed to be

we urine now to be pissed but you're not

allowed in the same way to think that

your experience therefore is the reality

or the truth it is the truth of your

experience but not necessarily the truth

of what happens

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