No one sees who I am, no one knows what I’m hiding, deep down.

Afterall I’m just

another black kid on the streets. They see me as dangerous, impulsive and irresponsible. When I
walk into a store I can feel every white person looking me up and down, judging me based on my
appearance. They just see me as trouble, a boy from the streets with no feelings or thoughts of
my own. But what they don’t see, is that I’m terrified. I don’t know who I am. The
responsibilities I carry and the expectations that have been placed on my shoulders weigh me
down like a permanent anchor. The thing that terrifies me the most though, is a secret I’ve buried
so deep down, that even I won’t know it’s there. I’m gay, and that means I will never be accepted
for who I truly am.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been pulled over, I wouldn’t have to be living in the
projects. In North Carolina, almost every cop is white, and when they see you driving, there’s a
good chance you’ll get pulled over. One time a cop pulled me over with his hand already on his
gun. When I asked him why I got pulled over, he said that it was because I looked suspicious
driving around in the middle of the day. He said that to my face. Most of the time they at least try
to make up something to validate the so obviously racist instinct they have to pull black people
over. I got arrested that day. I lost my temper and started shouting at him, he immediately pulled
me out of the car and slammed me against the hood. It was hot that day and the metal burned my
skin. I’ve never taken that road since.

I go to school with my three sisters, although it’s more of a prison than a school. All of
them are younger than me and do way better in school. I have two younger half brothers in
elementary school, and that’s where my life gets really complicated. My dad left my mom right
after my sister’s were born. She then got with her boyfriend Terrance and had my brothers. She
left a couple years later, leaving me with both the kids and the boyfriend. I’ve been taking care of
them ever since, that was five years ago. I’m a senior now, and what I want more than anything
else in the world is to be free, but I have to protect my family. They don’t have anybody else.

My school is like a big dungeon. There’s no windows, metal doors, and a cop for each
section of the school. There was an incident in my freshman year where three juniors got shot
because they owed some seniors money. A metal detector was installed not a week later. I work
a lot so I don’t really have time to do my schoolwork, but I’m pretty good at basketball. That’s
where I feel most at home. I don’t have to worry about anything else, just making the ball go in
the hoop. This was my last year playing high school ball, which makes me scared for the future. I
could probably get a scholarship, at least that’s what my coach says, but I have my family to take
care of. Terrance says that if I know what’s good for me I’d stay with my family and help
provide. As long as I’ve known him he’s never had a steady job and he’s always drinking. I
would never leave my sisters with him.
 My sisters are another problem altogether. My mom was a beautiful woman, and she had
many boyfriends over the course of her life. My sisters are exactly the same. Two of them are
twins and are freshman, Lacy and Catherine. The other is a sophomore, her name is Constance.
She’s who I’m closest too because she understands my situation better. She works almost as
much as I do but she’s the smart one, I think one day she could be a great writer. The twins both
have boyfriends, and I hate them both. I know what they want because I’m in the shower rooms
when they talk about them. Like every other guy who goes to Phillip J. High, they’re just looking
for a piece of ass. Almost every fight I’ve been in had to do with protecting the honor of my
sisters and mother, even though what they say about my mom is true. Constance used to have a
boyfriend, but after I broke two of his ribs when I found him hooking up with Makayla Johnson,
she severed all communication with him. She cried for days afterward, and sometimes I wonder
if I did the right thing, but I will never apologize for protecting my family.

I’ve never had a girlfriend which confuses a lot of people, my sisters especially. Terrance
says it’s because I’m too much of a pussy, but then again he says that about everything I do. I’ve
had girls ask me out, but I turned them all down. I’m crazy according to every guy in our school,
but it’s because of my secret. The one thing I will never ever tell anyone. That was until Lucas
showed up.

Lucas was new this year, he had transferred from a charter school a little north from ours.
He was scrawny, nerdy, and if I’m being completely honest I could probably beat the shit out of
him. Still, when he walked into my 7th period English class, my heart suddenly forgot how to
work properly. I didn’t understand, no matter what I did that feeling didn’t go away. I got all
sweaty and nervous for no damn reason. The more I pushed it down, the worse it got. I couldn’t
stop looking at him. His blonde hair and blue eyes lit up the room like he was his own personal
sun. His glasses were a bit too big for his face, and the clothes he wore were expensive. His
shoes looked like they cost more than my car. Looking at him was like seeing an alien species as
he took notes from the board and pushed his glasses up as they slid down his nose every couple
minutes. Still, despite every difference, my first crush was born.

I thought about him all day. I thought about him when I picked my brothers up from
school, at basketball practice, while I was working construction, I even thought about him when
my head hit the pillow at night. I beat my head against my fists. Get out! Get out! Get out! Still,
his blonde hair and frayed jeans remained in my head until I finally drifted off to sleep.

I woke up early the next morning and it felt as if I were hung over. What kind of disease
ridden feeling is this?? I got up to get dressed and as I looked at my clothes, I couldn’t help but
remember Lucas’s high-end sweater and expensive backpack. Nothing I had would ever compare
to that. I started to panic, I had nothing to wear! This was ridiculous. I've never worried about
what to wear in my life, it’s just clothes. I shook it off and put on whatever was closest to me
then went to get ready, but that too seemed impossible now. Did my hair look okay? I never
noticed how much acne I had. Do I smell?? Then I remembered that I had some gel in the back
of my drawer and before I knew what I was doing, I was smothering my curls in the slippery
goo.

I walked downstairs to breakfast and my family froze mid bite. They just stared at me in
shock, I never did my hair. Terrance just laughed at me and said I looked like a pussy, but my
sisters couldn’t get enough of it.

“You did your hair??”

“Who are you getting so dressed up for??”

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“What’s her name??”

“Enough!” I shouted. “This is ridiculous, we're going to be late for school. It’s not like it's
completely crazy that I did my hair.” My sisters just rolled their eyes and reached for their
backpacks as I tried to force the pink from out of my face. I hate to get attention. This is all that
new kids fault, this would just be a regular day if it weren’t for him. Still when I thought of
seeing him 7th period, my stomach couldn’t help but flutter a little bit.

The whole day was agony. Not only was everyone obsessed with the fact that I had done
my hair, but the day seemed to drag on forever. English felt like it was years away. All of this, all
of this for 45 minutes with Lucas. So stupid. I shook my head and walked into my next class.
One more period and then I can see him and prove to myself that I’ve just been overthinking and
exaggerating my feelings. I bet he’s really annoying or snobby or, best case scenario, he’s racist.
That way there could be no chance that I could like him or imagine us being together.

I practically jumped out of my seat when the bell rang and briskly walked to my next
class, I just wanted to get this over with. I’d never gotten to class so early, it was weird to see the
class so empty. Thankfully, it paid off. Lucas sat in his seat with his notebook already out and
book in hand. I straightened my shirt and walked to my desk as casually as possible, but I could
tell from the way the teacher stared at me that I looked like an idiot. My friend filed in soon after
and took their seats next to me. The next few mintues were basically torture as the ragged on me
about my hair. I tried to play it off and laugh with them, but the more they teased me the more
stupid I felt. Did I really think that gelling my hair was going to work? Lucas probably thinks I
look like a disaster. Their voices seemed to get louder and louder as I sunk lower in my chair.

“Well I think it looks good,” said a small voice from behind me. We all turned in unison
as Lucas stared back at us. My heart leapt 12 flights and my stomach filled with warm
butterflies.

“Are you blushing Anthony??” I turned to see my friend Nathan laughing. I was rescued
from having to answer when the teacher called the class to attention. My friends turned to face
the board and I stole a quick glance at Lucas. He gave me a small smile and I couldn’t help but
smile back. I looked back and saw Nathan eyeing me suspiciously.

At the end of class I stayed a little behind so I wouldn’t have to walk with my friends,
how could I avoid talking about what had happened or questions about my hair? As I gathered
my books into my bag two clean tennis shoes stepped in front of my backpack. I looked up to see
Lucas staring at me through the end of his glasses. I quickly stood up and cleared my throat.
Being so close to him I realized how much taller I was than him. I thought again how easy it
would be to beat him up, that might solve my problem. He seemed to be unphased that I was
trying to be intimidating and extended his hand towards me.

“Lucas,” he said as I took his hand.

“Yeah, I know,” I replied. I mentally shook my head, I know?? Nice reply genius.
“Anthony,” I quickly mended.

“Yeah, I know,” smiled Lucas. Then just like that he left the classroom, leaving me
standing there like an idiot. I am in so much trouble.

The next two weeks were practically hell. He stayed on my mind like a bad stain, he
seemed to be everywhere. Almost everything reminded me of him, things that weren’t even
remotely about him! Every shoe, every pair of glasses, even the way the sun shone resembled
him in some way to me. It was infuriating. I tried to push it away, keep my head down, but
people started to notice that something was different about me. At basketball practice I couldn’t
shoot one hoop, the ball missing every single time. I wondered when this torture would end.

The only upside to all of this was 7th period, when I actually talked to Lucas. All of a
sudden things seemed calm when I was with him, and even though I felt like I was going to
throw up, I was so happy. Lucas is insanely smart. At his old school he was taking every
advanced class there was, but since there were only two advanced classes at Phillip J., he was
forced to take the regular classes. I’ve never loved Phillip J. more. I felt bad for him though, the
whole reason he was here was because his mom and dad were getting a divorce and since his
mom never got a job, they were now really poor which meant public school for Lucas. His dad
had left them for some cocktail waitress I think, but maybe Lucas was just joking about that.

One day after class Lucas asked me for my number, I thought I heard him wrong but as
he held out his phone I numbly typed my number in. This was getting dangerous. We were
getting closer which meant my secret was in danger of being exposed. Was this guy really worth
all of it?

Apparently he was because when he texted me that night, I couldn’t help but reply. We
talked all night and then all of the next day. I hated how witty he was. Looking down at my
phone and smiling every 10 minutes made it clear that I was talking to someone that I liked. My
sisters did everything they could to get it out of me to the point of stealing my phone. I got it
back pretty easily and there was a lock on it, but even that was enough to really scare me. They
could’ve found out, everything would have been over. I needed to be more careful.

I had the same issue with my friends, they hated Lucas, called him all sorts of names,
faggot was their favorite. It was hard to be friends with Lucas without getting the same
treatment from my friends. As I got closer to Lucas, they made their disapproval very clear.

“Bro, why do you talk to him? You know he’s a homo right? Dudes a pervert.”

That was enough to keep my relationship with Lucas a casual friendship and nothing
more. That is until one day in English when me and Lucas got paired up for a project. My friends
patted me on the back as I made my way to the desk towards Lucas’s. I tried to look bummed out
but I was so excited, it was a perfect excuse to hang out with him. Soon everyone was buddied
up and brainstorming ideas for their projects. As I shot out some ideas, suddenly Lucas grabbed
my hand. I looked at our hands being together and felt the blood rush to my ears. People started
to look at us.

“Anthony,” Lucas said, “As we’ve been talking these past few weeks, I’ve never felt
more at home in my life. I really, reallly like you.” That caught the attention of my friends and
soon the whole class was staring at us. “Will you go out with me?” My heart dropped to the
bottom of my toes, I was stunned into silence.

“What kind of gay bullshit is this??” Nathan screamed as he stood up. He walked up to us
and shoved Lucas away from me. His chair slipped from underneath him and he fell to the
ground with a loud thud. I looked up at Nathan in shock, and he looked back at me as if I were
crazy. The look in his eyes were pained, as if he didn’t know who I was. It quickly turned to
anger and he looked down at Lucas again who was on the floor, but who was looking at me. That
made Nathan more mad and before I could even comprehend what was going on Nathan
punched Lucas in the face, then again and again. I jumped from my seat and tried to pull him off
of Lucas.

“Stop!” I shouted at Nathan, but he didn’t listen. I tackled him to the ground and soon I
was on top of him, punching him over and over. Rage filled my body. All the anger I’d been
holding back, all the pain, all the hiding, was coming to the surface. My other friends rushed to
pull me off of him and held me back as Nathan lay unconscious on the floor. It was then that I
saw what I’d done. Lucas sat propped up on his elbow, his face bleeding, but his eyes filled with
fear. I looked back to Nathan’s limp body and felt my blood go cold. What have I done?

I pushed my friends off and ran from the classroom. Tears filled my eyes as I made my
way to the closest exit. This wasn’t me, I’m not like this. Nathan has been my friend since we
were little, and I just hurt him. I collapsed against the brick wall as the tears streamed down my
face. Who am I?

Suddenly Lucas burst through the door. “Anthony! I’ve been looking for you!” He slowly
took in the scene. “Are, are you okay?”

“Am I okay?? No I’m not okay!” I stood up and walked toward him. “I just beat up my
best friend all because you had to grab my hand like that! All of this is your fault! If you hadn’t
come here then I could still be normal and my life would be a whole lot better!” Lucas stepped
back in shock.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t know I was causing you so much pain.” I looked up
at his face and instantly regretted everything I had just said. What was I doing??

“No I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Everything I’m feeling is wrong and I’ve nev-” Lucas pressed his lips against mine, silencing
every doubt and every fear I’ve ever had. The world melted away as he kissed me, and when he
looked up at me I knew that everything was going to be okay. This was who I was, this is what’s
right. I kissed him back, harder. I was trapped in this perfect moment of realization and clarity. I
am home.