Power struggles

Why do we have power struggles with our children?

By power struggle I mean behaving in a deliberate and challenging way where you or your child are
locked in a struggle to gain superiority over some issue. This usually makes both people feel provoked or
challenged. There is an imbalance, where two wills are pushing against each other. It is different to
when they are just misbehaving and you feel annoyed or sad, etc. It is when we or our children are
deliberately creating behaviours & responses which will try to provoke a reaction. It happens to us every
day – at home between parents & children, between siblings, at work between employers & employees
or between colleagues, at school, on the road between drivers, etc. It is one of the most common forms
of communication breakdown, and one which many of us don’t usually outgrow. “Go to bed now!”;
“Put on your shoes, no, not those ones! ” and the answer is usually “NO!”

How can we avoid or stop power struggles?

We can often consciously or unconsciously feel like a victim, or powerless, in challenging situations and
circumstances in our lives. Rather than really look at or examine our negative thoughts, feelings and
experiences, we place blame on other people, objects, or events. We look outward to try to make sense
of what’s going on inside of us. We do this all the time. Why? It’s our way of coping, and feeling more in
control of uncontrollable situations.

The problem with this approach, however, is that it takes away our personal responsibility and freedom
of choice. In our attempt to feel more in control (by faulting others, e.g, our children) we actually strip
ourselves of our own power. Think about that for a second. By needing control and reacting – we are
giving away our own power and our own sovereignty. That power is lost the moment we become
dependent on other people or things to make us feel a certain way. Whether that feeling is positive or
negative, we are no longer taking sole responsibility for our own emotions or experiences when we
believe that they are a result of anything other than our own choice. This leads to inner conflict, tension
and more often than not, power struggles – not just with our children but with partners, work
colleagues, fellow commuters, and most importantly, with ourselves. The power struggle is actually
inside us.

There is a story of an old Native American tribal chief who was talking about life with his young grandson
by the fire. “A fight is going on inside all of us,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between
two wolves. One is ruled by anger, envy, sorrow, control, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,
resentment, inferiority and ego.” He continued, “The other is ruled by joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, empathy, truth, compassion, and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Chief simply replied, “The one you feed.”

One of the main fuels in power struggles is noise – inner chatter and words – creating and sending
messages of need, lack, and fear. They usually come from a place of ‘I am not enough’ – because we
identify with the thing that we are being prevented from having in the exact way that we told ourself we
need to have it...“we need to have X or do Y” (or else the whole world will stop!). As this noise escalates
inside, we vent it to the outside world – normally towards the person that we perceive is preventing or
threatening our immediate ‘need’ or want. Remember this entire process can take mere seconds to
escalate, but is often an eruption of suppressed energy – stress, worry, anxiety, tiredness, which has
been allowed to build up. It comes out of our mouth as a message of anger, frustration or negativity –
power struggles are rarely, if ever, positive. When this comes out – unless we stop feeding it with more
noise and energy, it will be met with resistance, defiance, defensiveness or hurt from the other person.
And unless that other person has high self-awareness and self-consciousness, the energy and emotional
responses will escalate until it becomes a ‘game’ and there is a ‘joy’ in ‘taking points’ and notching up
little gains and perceived wins. To overcome this – one of the first things we can do is to try and stop
feeding the fire, by stopping the noise on several levels. We can try to stand back, take a few deep
breaths and just stop talking for a few seconds. Then when our heartbeat and inner noise is calmed a
little we can ask ourselves “will this lead to open and loving communication and understanding or will it
lead to tension and conflict?”

Even if we are totally stressed and itching to say something to gain control over the situation, no matter
what the cause – it is better to take a breath and say nothing – don’t feed the angry wolf. Breathe in
deeply for a few moments. After breathing, stop and breathe again. Do this 3-5 times, even if you are
trying to rush out the door to work and to you, the child is still delaying at what they are doing. When
we are in the space of trying to get the child to stop talking – we are basically saying “don’t talk back to
me, I am in charge and you are not”. This merely breeds resentment and stored up anger, rather than
leading to a true resolution. But when WE stop talking and allow space – the child also stops. We might
even see another perspective – the child might hate that raincoat, or the colour of their socks, or see
that their doll is missing, or broken – which is hugely important to them. Remember also that they don’t
have the same notion of time as we do. They normally don’t comprehend how long hours or minutes
are. It creates a space and room to breathe and lessens the ‘competition’ for power or ground. It also
shows the child a different strategy and role model for communicating rather than mere shouting or
arguing to win points or ‘be right’. Lastly it allows the tension to dissipate and room for seeing more
clearly. If we genuinely want to change our inner talk and our ways of communicating, especially when
stressed, there are many different courses, books, methods and teachers available. These include
mindfulness, compassion integrity, positive communication, conflict transformation, non-violent
communication, meditation, counselling and many others. Just google any of these key-words and you
will find lists of courses, books, films, teachers and materials.

Children are wonderful perceivers but really weak at interpreting what they perceive. This means they
can and will pick up when we are not interested, tired, bored, cranky, angry, etc. really quickly and really
accurately. When we have work to do, or send them to their grandparents so we can complete
deadlines or because we can’t collect them from school, they will perceive that Mammy and Daddy are
busy. This isn’t to make us feel guilty or say we are bad parents, many parents are doing their best to try
and work to pay bills and survive and there is little or no other option. But when it is for convenience
sakes, because we don’t have the skills, patience or energy to try and be with them while doing
something else, the child can perceive that in a way which they believe that they aren’t important.
Several international long term studies have shown that children interpret it as ‘”Mammy and Daddy’s
activities are more important than me, I must not be as important to them as ‘X”. This will be
internalised and carved into our child’s subconscious as “I am not important, I am not as worthy of
Daddy’s and Mammy’s time as...” They will interpret it internally as something wrong with them that
caused you to be this way. And no matter how innocuous our words or intentions or that they weren’t
intentionally given by us as parents, unless this inner perception is challenged and dissolved, the child
will incubate this perception into the belief that “I am not enough”. When we say “not now I’m busy” or
“in a minute” we aren’t saying “you are not important’ – but the child interprets it as “I am not as
important as their work/their game/ their activity/friend/talk/phone-call, etc.” When we say “that
makes Mammy or Daddy sad/unhappy/annoyed/angry, etc.” they interpret it as “I make Mammy sad”.
They also interpret it as “Mammy only loves me if I do …..” or “Mammy only loves me if I’m not….” This
will condition them into a certain way of behaving and thinking and will last with them into adulthood.
We must practice and be totally conscious and aware of the communication we use – both verbal and
non-verbal, and how it might be interpreted. This takes time, practice and self-awareness, but it is worth
it. Once a child can integrate and be confident in the belief that “What’s important to me is important
to my parents” it will allow them to grow a sense of self-worth and self-belief that they, their
discoveries, needs, feelings or wants are important and valuable as they are. Later on in life, this inner
sense of self-worth will bode them well in not being possessive or insecure in or around relationships,
around challenges, self-image, attainments, rejections or setbacks. Try for that moment to be centred,
take a breath to calm your thoughts and emotional response and try see the world through the child’s
eyes. Try and see the difference between behaviour and identity. We are not our behaviour or our jobs,
emotions, bank balance, moods, time schedules, or health, so why should we view ourselves, or our
child, even momentarily, as such?

A recent study revealed that the average child receives up to 2000 requests every day. How can anyone
be expected to process and comply with every single one of these without wanting to rebel or feel
burned out or stressed? From first thing in the morning when being woken up at home, our children
receive constant differing requests, orders or instructions, then they go to school or kindergarten and
receive even more all day, before going back home again for another dose. So it isn’t really surprising
that our children get a kind of ‘parent deafness’ where they tune out what they perceive as yet another
request and only tune in if there are keywords which they associate with pleasure.

Start to look at what you are saying and asking “Is it really necessary?” “Is there a good reason and a
‘why’ for my request?” “Can they understand or connect with the reason or the why of what I am
asking?” It is good to start with the reason first and the ‘why’ in language & tones that they can connect
with and understand. Then be clear and concise. If they come in and drop their schoolbag on the floor
again – say just one word and say it in a singing voice if you want! ‘Baack-paaack” or just a simple clear
“Backpack” will give them the message. It prevents a power struggle where they know they will look
ridiculous if they try to oppose. A lecture about how untidy they are that they do this every day, or that
they don’t care about you/house/etc., will merely make them switch off and build more resentment,
creating and building a power struggle. It will also internalise and reinforce their growing`` “I am not
enough” feelings or thoughts. Look at your instruction or request and think about how you would feel if
an air – steward gave you the same request in the same words & tone when you were on a plane.
Would you be willing to comply and be open to positive communication or would you close down, be
defensive and turn off that person, creating an internal power struggle and resentment for the flight?

The next strategy is to be kind and firm – to both the child and yourself. All conflicts without exception
stem from the perceived ‘need’ or wish for 2 opposing outcomes which are incompatible at the same
time. This conflict is made stronger when we identify with that need - “Without x, or if y doesn’t happen
I am…or my world is ruined…” A small simple routine when we are faced with conflicts – any conflict
from being stuck in traffic making us late for an important meeting with our boss, to wanting to lie in for
five minutes when our child is pulling us from the bed at 7am on a Saturday morning – is to step back
and step aside. Imagine if without seeing it, someone put a mobile phone right up to our face until it is
actually touching our nose. From this angle we can only see that the object is dark and flat. When we
step back a little we allow space in between ourself and the object, so now we can see its size and
shape, its colour and that it is flat. When we step back we allow ourself space to breathe and see a
bigger picture and different details that we didn’t think of or see before. Now we step aside and we can
see the phone from a different perspective – we see that it has depth – 3 dimensions, how thick it is and
that it is a phone. When we step aside, we see the thing from a different viewpoint. When we can do
this in times of looming conflicts, more often than not, we can let go the ‘need’ or identification with the
source of our trouble and allow other alternatives to come up. Looking at this from a parent child
perspective – if we step back and take a deep breath from what the situation is – this allows for space.
The old adage of ‘count to ten’ holds a lot of truth, as it allows our minds and reactions to slow down a
bit. Science also backs this up, our heartbeat slows, the adrenaline count falls and we are more able for
rational thought rather than defence or reaction. This space and quiet allows the child not to react
either and to inflame the situation, they might be expecting raised voices or a reaction and it didn’t
happen. This also allows the child space to gather their thoughts and let their defences down a bit. It
makes positive communication and listening more likely.

So allow some time, even when you are in a hurry. Instead of “Quick, we are late, hurry up” which
causes conflict a power struggle, get up slightly earlier to allow for more time, and then create the space
for saying “when you are ready can you put on your shoes and we can leave and not be late?” This gives
space and onus on them rather than on you and lessens the need for power-struggles. Take a second
and see what your child’s needs are at that moment and if they are being met. See if they are genuine
needs or perceived needs and ask them. Maybe they need the toilet, or don’t want to leave without
their favourite toy. Maybe they are afraid to go to the cupboard or closet on their own to get their
shoes. Ask them and ask yourself how you can fill these needs and win their co-operation. This might
often mean we have to be better prepared, get up slightly earlier or be more focussed in our morning
routines to make that extra time available, but it is worth it. Remember, our children have completely
different concepts of time than we do. They don’t understand what 5 minutes is, far less an hour. If time
is important to you give visible ways they can connect with and understand. Use a sand timer and say
“before the sand goes to the bottom” or use a song on the radio, or other visible clues. This also goes for
bedtime routines, allow for and make space, tell them this is the last film and that we are going to bed
when the film or song etc., is finished. This helps them prepare mentally and also helps them
understand what is expected. It will reduce the need for dramas and pleading and for power struggles.
Using ‘GEMs’ – a Genuine Encounter Moment – is a very useful guide to use . This is where we take a
deep breath , centre ourselves (looking after ourselves first) and we place 100% attention on our child.
We redirect our focus and really pay attention 100%. If the child shows us a picture we don’t just go “Yes
that’s lovely, ok come on…” we really give it attention and ask interesting questions about it & how they
did it. There are other strategies like redirecting attention, setting temporary limits & making space; etc.,
but they all ask for genuine attention and presence from the parent. This takes practice, time, self-
awareness and patience, but in doing so, we also acknowledge our own growth and the part of the
curriculum we are living for them to aspire to and model.

If we insist on creating tension and ‘being right’ or ‘winning’ the power struggle as parents what we will
do is create defiance in the child and act out. If the child is sensitive it can also lead them to internalise
the belief that they are insufficient, not enough or that something is wrong or ‘bad’ with them. When
we are too firm as parents our relationship is in pain & hurts. As children grow, they are constantly
discovering about themselves and the world around them. Part of this is where they have power and
over what and what are the limits of that power. When we are too firm we are placing limits on where
the child’s limits are. On the other hand if we are too lenient and give in to what they want or demand
without any questioning or reflection, the child in their developing and limited worldview internalises
that they are not worth much or deserving, because there is no connection – no dialogue or
communication – “I am not worth your time or effort”. They will feel that they are not seen or heard or
truly listened to and will do what they think is needed to be seen or heard or get notice. They can also
be ‘entitled’ or obnoxious and the kind that people don’t want to be around. This lack of connection
outside further impacts and internalises their lack of self-worth or being wanted. Trying to balance
between firmness & kindness can be tricky, but it is probably safer to err on the side of being firm. This
is because it shows the child you have values, stand for something and are communicating & connecting
with them, even if the result they want isn’t forthcoming. If the language and communication is loving,
respectful and showing awareness of two sovereign beings who want the best, then that
disappointment is usually short-lived but the internal value and long-term affect is far more valuable. It
also shows boundaries and limits where otherwise the child won’t know & carry that to other places
outside the home and further along in life. It shows that there is give an take as well as connection and
communication in all interactions, not just that they “win’ or ‘lose’ when something doesn’t go their way
or they don’t get what they immediately want. It means listening, asserting and trying to balance the
kindness & firmness. It is our children’s job to misbehave and to create chaos. That’s part of their
discovery and setting limits, power and boundaries and making sense of the world and their place in it.

When we are tired or stressed it is easier to be cranky, angry or argumentative. What this means is that
we aren’t taking enough care of ourselves first. Which again, as being part of the child’s curriculum
shows them that they don’t need to look after themselves or look at self-care. Like it says in the
airplanes safety talks, look after yourself first. So take time every single day and do something which
nurtures and takes care of yourself – go for a walk, meditate, read, exercise, have a bath, massage, etc,
etc – actively make this part of your day to hep recharge your batteries. And ask the child to allow you if
needs be. Also, allow the child to do the same and encourage activities which are healthy and caring for
them to do this. Try and make at least one time of this a week – the more the better - be about
destressing all together – play a game, get messy, have fun and connect. Make it a sacred and
sacrosanct time and space – just for you all to connect, unwind, play and bond. Otherwise the message
you are giving is “I am stressed, I am tired, I need you to be quiet and to suit me” – which translates to a
child as “ I need to be quiet because I am bad and noisy and it makes mammy stressed and angry”