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Reichmond Legaspi Bantilan September 07 2020

BSP – 1A Prof. Mark Louie Cañete

Reflection Paper # 1

“Hear Me Out!”
A reflection paper on my journey to rediscovering faith and accepting the flaws of the church.

Bearing the question “why study theology?” made me think about the tales I will share and the
goodness of my experience with faith and how it motivated me to be where I am today, overcome
challenges and breakthrough ceilings with god beside me. But that would be a lie, that is not my
story. Hear me out.

Born in a religious family, I was raised with the competence and beliefs that my family stood for
and practiced for years, these teachings had been an integral part of my life growing up as I
observe and abide by the rules and principles of catholic faith. However, despite all the blessings
I receive and guidance of wisdom I treasure from my family, I found myself lost in a sea of
questions and doubt only my god. My faith, my family. Believing this document would remain
confidential in every way possible between me and my professor, I open my book and spread out
the pages, hear me out.

In my childhood, living with my parents have not been easy emotionally, all families have flaws,
that is why I do not blame my parents for having their differences and truth, in fact I admire them
for that, in a way you could say I accepted our family’s situation long before I could learn to add
numbers. Yes, it was not easy. But I did not go at it alone. I have my twin brother with me, who
has been my partner and solitude up until now, my mom who bravely raised the two of us on her
own despite the odds that are stuck against her. Having said this, she is not bulletproof, she
sought strength and guidance from god to help her raise two boys with proper principles and
values of good men, to that I appreciate her. We never missed a religious celebration; our family
is not the most religious one out there, but we do what we can to show our faith. Having said
that I was brought up believing god is the center of it all, I pray every night, I keep a rosary in my
pocket wherever I go, I wear bracelets that bear the name and symbol of Christ, when asked
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about my dream destination I reply Rome immediately, even to a point where I wanted to be a
priest when I grow up. That is how highly I see god and his purpose in my life. But that was
understandable. I was a child, did not know anything about the world. Little did I know how that
will change soon after. Hear me out.

Entering my teenage years I already have my doubts with the church I find myself cringing at
some of the stuff the priest say during masses cause I disagree with it, id roll my eyes over when
hearing testament of people who say one must do this cause the bible said so. Yet having my
doubts and disagreements, I kept it all inside, fear of judgement, rejection. Hear me out.

I am not pretending, I still have my faith and can somewhat agree on the teaching of the church,
I now just have my reservations, I listen to what I believe is eight and block off any stupid thing I
hear from the church. Can you believe that? Me, calling the church stupid. In spite all the
“blessings” I have received over the years, despite being led to success by god. I was ashamed of
it at first, I thought there was something wrong with me, I thought it’s the work of the devil
hahaha, yes I meant to laugh, cause for all I know faith, god, religion is created by men. Men who
seeks control and manipulation over vulnerable people to take advantage of them, do this you’ll
go to heaven, do this you’ll go to hell, it was accepted by people who seek purpose in life who
needed to be lead and follow a god that can shoulder their responsibilities, that’s not me , not
anymore. Hear me out.

Over the years god existed became poor and poor in my book. Cause in many ways he disappoints
me, can you imagine, me, in spite being blessed with much, be disappointed with god. Well I can,
and I am. People suffer despite having a god who is all about love, they say god tests people, to
see if they’re strong and will have the courage to pry to him, they say that he gives us hardships
so wed remember him, well if that’s true, then god must me an attention seeking jerk who needs
validation all the time. Hear me out.

It was a lie, over the past few minutes I have written this document feeling confident about my
opinions and reservations with religion, with god, but I would be dishonest to myself if I do not
accept the fact that I am scared, as one who was raised to believe someone is watching over me
at all times, its scary to leave the comforts of religion. To be out in the world full of vultures and
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crows. I do not resent the church, I may disagree with some of its teachings, but I refuse to let it
overshadow the goodness that religion possess, in a way it bridged millions of people together
and gave them that I think is the essence of religion. Hope. That is the very answer I believe as to
why people and I should still study theology despite our doubts and disagreements, for where
there is hope, there is goodness.

May this course bring back my trust and strengthen my faith, in this time of uncertainty and pain
it easy to believe that there is no god, hence the confusion and suffering at times. But I would
like to believe that god watches, and that he is in pain as he sees his children suffer. May I find
my purpose in faith and discover myself as a friend of god. I still have questions, I still have doubts
and I still and will disagree with the church so as I believe what their saying is wrong, I hope this
course help me be understand and know more about d=faith, about religion, about god. Still
much to learn, still much to say, hear me out.