Relationships Vi-80

Introduction
“You are fighting battles others know nothing about.” Most Q “How will this book help me?”
are interpersonal. They can occur with those closest to you, A. It will help you in the same way that everyone with incurable
those you wish were closest to you, or those you have to be problems is helped, with sympathy and humor.
with even though they are pompous, selfish, unprincipled
idiots. What’s at stake in these battles is not food, shelter, or Q “What if I don’t have these problems?”
even riches. It’s your psychological well-being: your confidence, A Then you’re an insensitive lout.
pride, respect, love, belonging, purpose, trust, and pleasure.
Q “What if I’m not an insensitive lout?”
“Yes, yes, yes,” you say. “I know all this. What I don’t know A Then this book will help you understand the problems of others.
is whether the fortune you’re charging for this book is really
worth it. Before I drain my retirement savings, I have some Q ”What if I don’t have these problems and don’t care if I
questions.” understand the problems of others?”
A Then for sure you’re an insensitive lout, but I envy you and
Q: “Will your book tell me why I have these battles?” would gladly trade places.
A: It will tell you in spades. The short answer is you have these
battles because your urges and culture are all messed up. Just
how messed up is what this book is all about.
vi vii
Chapter 1
What people want

2 | Inconvenient truths about relationships What people want | 3
The most appreciated

social ability is charm.
The most important is empathy.
They don’t go together.
Absolute charm corrupts absolutely.

Don’t you feel they’re prostitutes you pay for companionship?

What we want most from

others is pride in ourselves.
The purpose of conversation.

Those who risk their lives

Caring people are preferred
to climb rocks are thrilling.
to glamorous people —
Those who risk their status to
but only by desperate people.
defend outsiders are annoying.
Definition: I have seen genius,

Freudeschaden - grief derived and it is good,
from another’s good fortune. and it is beautiful —
from a distance.
It’s a thoroughly blended mixture of knowledge and bullshit. You just say that because I’m rich and fun-loving.
What we need is someone who What do women want?

penetrates our jerky exterior and Dunno exactly, but lucky for us they
sees our awesome inner self. don’t all want the same thing.
We could be as beloved as the

characters in the movies if we were Who knows who has integrity?
as kind as they were — and if we Who even cares?
were also movie stars.
14 | Inconvenient truths about relationships
Chapter 2
Sizing up others
It’s not just race and religion that mess up our judgments.
16 | Inconvenient truths about relationships Sizing up others | 17
Parties are for relaxing.

We still assume that superior

We can always find a intelligence means superior
cherished prejudice to explain judgment even though experience
the bad behavior of others. repeatedly tells us that’s silly.
Organic warmth: kindness that

comes from deep feeling and No matter how dumb I think I am,
understanding, not social reﬂexes, it’s always less than the general
calculation or obligation. consensus.
Nice: someone who treats me well.

For of all cruel words that’r said or writ,

The cruelest are these: She doesn’t fit.
The canary in the workplace

Sizing up others
28 | Inconvenient truths about relationships | 29
Schmucks don’t say they’re schmucks.

They don’t even know they’re schmucks.
We need a reliable schmuck detector
for both prosecution and education.
Wise people always do wise things,

We fully understand
foolish people do foolish things,
the importance of
nice people do nice things,
defending a reputation —
selfish people do selfish things.
unless it’s not ours.
It’s so easy that way.
Friends may be soft or solid.

Our greatest success and most Soft are pleasant and easy to recognize.
obnoxious behavior, no matter how Solid cannot be recognized until you
atypical, define our reputation become unpopular. It is a fool’s bet that
. unproven friends are solid.
chapter 3
Others share your tolerance of your Styles of communication

biological ﬂaws about as well as they
share your tolerance of your bodily
excretions.
34 | Inconvenient truths about relationships Styles of Communication | 35
Parties give us a chance to learn about others.

Uncertain people are ignored.

Certain people are dangerous.
In books, nonverbal communication

is beautiful and profound.
Among people, Sanskrit poetry
is better understood.
Generation Y means never

having to say “thank you”.
Styles of Communication
It’s not like that.

All the honest, self-aware people I’ve ever met are here.
He won’t participate in conversations

that don’t give him a starring role.
All his questions are rhetorical.

Real socialtik
It’s a rare ability to achieve

consistency between internal chapter 4
feelings and those on display.
close Encounters
of the Intimate Kind
We don’t know what others are

thinking. They don’t even know.
52 | Inconvenient truths about relationships Close Encounters of the Intimate Kind | 53
Would you complete my “How did I do“ questionnaire?.

Idyllic love demands devotion,

empathy, respect, liking, and
understanding. That’s a high bar.
You’ll be happier going for
tolerance and commitment.
Girls don’t reject the black sheep,

only those without the wool.
Of course the predisposition to

assume husbands are idiots is
genetic. Shared enemies increase intimacy.
It has a survival advantage.
Love is a many fragiled thing.
Relationships begin based on obvious

individual qualities (beauty, intelligence, The holy grail
success, charm). of an intimate relationship
They succeed based on subtle atmospheric is the benefit of the doubt.
qualities (respect, understanding, empathy,
commitment).
High-energy people
don’t tolerate uncertainty.
chapter 5
relating to Inferiors
The same person may be a wonderful
parent for one child and mediocre for
another or the same child at a different
stage in life.
72 | Inconvenient truths about relationships Relating to Inferiors | 73
God has granted all others

superior wisdom to know what
I should think and do.
Men objectify women.
That’s not the problem —
pretty much everyone objectifies
pretty much everyone else.
The problem is that men
treat women badly.
It’s morality not empathy
that needs fixing.
Pity mutates to contempt.

When the going gets tough,

the not-so-tough point fingers
We are taught that our treatment

depends on our behavior. Not so.
Our treatment depends on our status.
He’s fine, but I’m only inviting people who matter.

The favorite office sport.

Relationships Vi-80

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Introduction

What people want

The most appreciated

Absolute charm corrupts absolutely.

Don’t you feel they’re prostitutes you pay for companionship?

What we want most from

The purpose of conversation.

Those who risk their lives

Definition: I have seen genius,

What we need is someone who What do women want?

We could be as beloved as the

Parties are for relaxing.

We still assume that superior

Organic warmth: kindness that

Nice: someone who treats me well.

For of all cruel words that’r said or writ,

The canary in the workplace

Schmucks don’t say they’re schmucks.

Wise people always do wise things,

Friends may be soft or solid.

Others share your tolerance of your Styles of communication

Parties give us a chance to learn about others.

Uncertain people are ignored.

In books, nonverbal communication

Generation Y means never

It’s not like that.

He won’t participate in conversations

All his questions are rhetorical.

It’s a rare ability to achieve

We don’t know what others are

Would you complete my “How did I do“ questionnaire?.

Idyllic love demands devotion,

Girls don’t reject the black sheep,

Of course the predisposition to

Love is a many fragiled thing.

Relationships begin based on obvious

God has granted all others

Pity mutates to contempt.

When the going gets tough,

We are taught that our treatment

He’s fine, but I’m only inviting people who matter.

The favorite office sport.

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