THE VALUE OF TRAVEL January 16, 2019

Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Yashpreet! My name is Abegail D.C., and I look forward to working with you on this Essay
Center Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength: You present valid reasons as to why traveling is valuable. For example, you
say that it can be a way to gain information, which readers will surely agree on. Good job,
Yashpreet!

*Yashpreet Singh 11122448, you requested help with Main Idea/Thesis:   As of the

moment, you do not have a clear thesis statement at the end of your introduction. Your
introduction states a number of reasons why traveling is important. With these different purposes
of traveling, you overwhelm your readers at the start of your essay. It also doesn’t help that you
do not have a clear thesis statement that presents your overall main idea and supporting reasons.

Now, let’s consider the content of your essay. In the first body paragraph, you seem to focus on
traveling as a way to enjoy leisure time with loved ones and traveling as a way to gain knowledge.
You then discuss traveling as a great sector of business in the second paragraph. Considering
these, your thesis statement, ideally placed at the end of your introduction, should contain your
overall main idea about traveling and supporting reasons that you discuss in your body
paragraphs. Review this example:

Exercising is important because it helps control one’s weight and strengthens the heart.

This thesis contains the overall main idea (text in bold) and the supporting reasons (underlined
text). With a clear thesis statement like this, readers are given a preview of what will be discussed
in the essay. Considering this example, what should your thesis statement contain? What is your
overall main idea about traveling? What are you supporting reasons for it? Note that ideally, each
body paragraph should discuss a supporting reason, so since you currently have two body
paragraphs, your thesis statement should only contain two supporting reasons. You may want to
refer to the Lesson 2: Developing a Thesis lesson in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook for more
information.

*Yashpreet Singh 11122448, you requested help with Content Development:   You also

present different ideas in your first body paragraph, which overwhelms your readers. Here is an
excerpt:

Firstly, to commence due to a hectic schedule the majority of people want to get refreshed
quite often and they go to different places for enjoying and create golden moments with
their loved ones… Apart from this, the travelers with international exposure can have a
better career path of gathering information and adding knowledge, so that they can
experience the lifestyle and, Makes people confident; more social and self-dependent.

 In this excerpt, you actually present five ideas why traveling is essential. First, you say that it is a
way to enjoy and create moments with loved ones. You follow this by explaining that traveling is
also a way to gain knowledge. Then, the last part of the excerpt presents three ideas, “makes
people confident; more social and self-dependent.” These different ideas only overwhelm your
readers and make it difficult for them to focus on each of your ideas.

For improvement, you should write body paragraphs that focus on a single supporting reason. For
example, in the first body paragraph, you may focus on how traveling is a way to enjoy and create
moments with loved ones. The next body paragraph will discuss how it is a way to gain
information. By discussing only one supporting reason in a body paragraph, you will make your
discussion easier to understand for your readers. Now, what are your supporting reasons? Discuss
each of them in a body paragraph.
THE VALUE OF TRAVEL January 16, 2019

Introduction/Conclusion Lastly, your conclusion ends with your own opinion that you do not
discuss in your body paragraphs. See this excerpt:

Having mulled over the matter, it would be quite evident to say that travel and tourism are
both good for a person and good for international agencies, as it increases knowledge and
economy of a nation and each and every person. Whereas, in my prospective travel is the
best and only way to relieve stress and create memories.

The ideas in the first sentence are explained in your discussion, so it’s fitting that you summarize
them in your conclusion. However, the last sentence that presents your own opinion is
inappropriate in your conclusion. There is no part in your essay that explains your opinion about
traveling; therefore, you should omit this sentence. You may replace it with sentences that explain
the significance of your essay. For example, why should people know about the importance of
traveling? You may elaborate on this in your conclusion to help readers understand the significance
of your essay.   

Summary of Next Steps: 

 Write a clear thesis statement at the end of your introduction.

 
 Focus on a single supporting reason in each body paragraph.
 
 Replace your own opinion in your essay with the significance of your essay.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Yashpreet. I enjoyed helping you with this step
in the revision process. Have a good day! -Abegail D.C. :)

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's
Handbook.

______________________________________________________________________________
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Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

The value of travel

Yashpreet Singh Matharu

THE VALUE OF TRAVEL January 16, 2019

Student ID: 2018090752

Course Code 19W-C-ON-B2

Zohreh Daeizadeh

Yorkville University

THE VALUE OF TRAVEL

Nodaway’s in this contemporary world of innovation. Traveling is becoming in great trend, it is just

because it is now easier and more comfortable due to moving trains, deluxe buses, metro-railways,

luxury steamers, ships, airplanes and many other means of traveling. Traveling is gaining tendency, as

it helps in both educational and enjoyment purposes. Traveling to new places can be the ideal way to

get knowledge. Moreover, it can be the best way to enjoy leisure time and create new memories with

family and friends. [<<This sentence about traveling to enjoy leisure is placed between sentences
 THE VALUE OF TRAVEL January 16, 2019

that talk about traveling to gain knowledge. I highly suggest that you place this sentence after

sentences about traveling and learning to make your avoid disruption of ideas.] Traveling is a

powerful aid to education. It provides an experience of the world as Travelling gives the first-hand

experience to learn new things. By traveling we come in connect people of different caste; color;

creed and community to get familiarity with their tradition, culture, customs, has costumes and their

style of living.

To embark with reasons, traveling has multifarious reasons. Firstly, to commence due to a hectic

schedule the majority of people want to get refreshed quite often and they go to different places for

enjoying and create golden moments with their loved ones. It is obvious that busier and hectic lifestyle

can easily drain someone out and to get ease in their life, people go to different places in and out of their

nation for refreshment and experiencing new cultures and tradition. Apart from this, the travelers with

international exposure can have a better career path of gathering information and adding knowledge, so

that they can experience the lifestyle and, Makes people confident; more social and self-dependent.

However, traveling is good for experiencing also but it also helps people to know new things and

innovations to create new things and develop a new mindset according to the modern world. [<<The

usage of “however” and “but” is inappropriate in this case. These words are only used when

presenting contrasting ideas. Yet, here, the sentence supports the idea of the previous sentence.

You should use other transition and a more fitting coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or,

yet, so) to successfully express your idea. Some transitions that you may use are “Furthermore,”

“Aside from that,” and “Moreover.”] All in all, it promotes Intercultural understanding, which creates

more understanding of other nations' culture, language, and customs from near.

Further scrutinizing, traveling is also becoming a great sector of business, help the countries to build a

strong economy. To instance, tourism contributes around 30% of the nations GDP for Dubai. [<<You

present a statistics here, but you do not have a cited source. Remember that you should always

cite your sources to make your information credible and to avoid committing plagiarism. Where
 THE VALUE OF TRAVEL January 16, 2019

did you get this information, Yashpreet? Cite your source following the APA style.] More so,

people have started picking up careers in the realm of tourism, as travel bloggers; trip organizers; etc.,

Enhance job and business opportunities. Furthermore, tourism also Increase employment opportunity

for the host country and can shift countries outlook of life in a better way and gives us more idea about

the way of life around the world.

Having mulled over the matter, it would be quite evident to say that travel and tourism are both good for

a person and good for international agencies, as it increases knowledge and economy of a nation and

each and every person. Whereas, in my prospective travel is the best and only way to relieve stress and

create memories.