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Know

Ann Nielsen

Department of Home and Family, Brigham Young University-Idaho

FAML 200: Preparation for Marriage

Spencer Zitsman

October 24, 2020

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Know

“Childhood experiences are some of the strongest predictors of what your sole mate will be like

as a spouse and parent” [ CITATION Epp07 \l 1033 ].

In a relationship it is a two-way street, I get to know you and you get to know me. When

we feel known we feel a bond. Knowing is a powerful unique contributor in a relationship.

There are key ways of getting to know a person. In the book “How To Avoid Falling In Love

With A Jerk by John Van Epp, in chapters 4 – 9 we learn the 5 key areas that predict what the

partner will be like in a marriage. We are told that we need to play detective so to speak by

asking questions, writing them down, figure out what they are like and predict what they will be

like down the road. If we ask questions it helps to unearth qualities in a person and by those

qualities, we can predict how this person is going to be. The getting to know process is a looking

process that we don’t know where to look at. Epp, gives us 2 areas were to look so that we can

know what someone is going to be like.[ CITATION Epp07 \l 1033 ]

The first area is family background and past relationships. We learn that family is very

important to what we know and how we act and how we are going to act in marriage. All of us

came from some kind of background whether it be by two biological parents, adoption, foster,

single, grandparents, etc. What influenced our attitude on marriage is what happened with our

family upbringing and our parent’s relationship, parent living arrangements, parental marital

quality, and parental expectations of future family formation of children. There are three areas to

look for. 1. The way you learned to handle your emotions and give and receive love. 2. The way

you learned to handle and share power. 3. The way you learned family roles. You need to find

out what your partner believes and if they are similar and will work well together because that
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seed of what you learned always grows out and plays a part in your life. Family stuff is critical

to get to know someone [ CITATION Epp07 \l 1033 ].

In April of 2015 Conference L. Tom Perry said “The family is the center of life and it is

the key to eternal happiness” [CITATION Per15 \l 1033 ]. I believe this quote goes well with the

teachings of John Van Epp teachings on family back ground and past relationships because we

do mimic how we were raised and we are influenced by the passed in becoming what we are

today. That is why it is important to give a relationship time and watch, listen and study what

our partners have become as well.

The second way to get to know someone is by their attitudes & actions of conscience.

The conscience is extremely predictive of what people are going to be like in a long-term

relationship especially in a marriage. How do you figure out your partner’s conscience? Look

for red flags. Some are big and some are small and the small red flags begin to add up to a major

theme of the conscience. You can learn a person’s conscience by how little deals add up in time.

It takes time to really get to know somebody and overtime you begin to figure out whether you

can trust them or not [ CITATION Epp07 \l 1033 ].

“And the light which shineth, which giveth you light, is through him who enlighteneth

your eyes, which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings.” (Doctrine & Covenants

88:11) It is comforting to know that we as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day

Saints have the knowledge that we have the gift of the holy ghost to help us to know the truth.

John Van Epp also teaches us other ways to know as well by looking at their conscience and see

what is really in their heart and that is by their past and present actions.
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References Cited

1. Epp, V. J. (2007). How To Avoide Falling In Love With A Jerk. McGraw Hill.

2. Perry, L. T. (2015). April General Conference. www.lds.org.

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References

Lastname, F.M. (Year, Month Day). Title of Page. Site name. URL.

Price, D. (2018, March 23). Laziness does not exist. Medium.

https://humanparts.medium.com/laziness-does-not-exist-3af27e312d01

Van Epp, J. (2007). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk: The foolproof way to follow your

heart without losing your mind. Dubuque, IA: McGraw-Hill Contemporary Learning.