CHAPTER 17

THE UNGRATEFUL CHILD

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is

To have a thankless child!

Introduction
What children do often troubles their parents; what they
do not do frequently troubles them more. Neglecting parents
is one of these hurtful acts of omission.
"Honor thy father and thy mother..." the commandment
goes, and parents do come to expect that their middle and
later years will be lived out serenely and with due respect and
attention from their children. When the expectation fails-
when contacts between parents and children are few, brief,
and perfunctory-the parents are likely to feel hurt and
.
cheated .

Wanda, widowed, is in her early sixties. Her two children,

both married, live at a considerable distance. They rarely
write or call, and almost never visit. When Wanda asks why
they do not come to see her, they reply that they have trouble
getting away (both partners in both couples work) and that
the trip would be too long and too expensive.

195
E. L. Klingelhofer, Coping with your Grown Children
© The Humana Press Inc. 1989
196 Coping with Your Grown Children

Wanda has become more and more depressed and upset,

constantly dwelling on the scant contact she has had with her
children and grandchildren. In talking with her, I learned that
she lives alone in a small apartment, does not work, has no
hobbies, no church affiliation, and few friends. She does not
meet people easily. She spends most of her time watching
television. Lately she has been going to bed very early and
sleeping for long periods, often thirteen or fourteen hours per
night.
Her behavior was petulant and critical throughout our first
interviews. She did little but whine and complain about her
children and the way they were treating her after all she had
done for them. "That's the thanks I get," she said, over and
over.

I began to understand why the children had been remiss

about keeping in close touch with Wanda. Even for only fifty
minutes a week she was hard to take.
Without going into the details of how the change was
brought about-the process involved weekly incremental
assignments in making overtures to other people and in
changing her habitual patterns-she began to develop some
skill and confidence in meeting people and to develop a more
active social life. At the same time she came to the important
realization that contact with her children was a two-way
street and that if she wanted to see them she could go where
they were. Better so, since she had the time and the means to
live comfortably and to travel if she wished. By now she had
the fortitude to approach the children directly to say that she
would like to come on a visit and to ask when and for how
long it would be convenient.
The trip had some rough patches, but it turned out very
well on the whole. The children were surprised and pleased
at the changes they saw in Wanda and, following the visit,
they apparently felt more motivated to keep in touch. For
Wanda's part, with her life becoming more involved and busy