The Practice of Self-Assertiveness

Honoring my wants, needs, and values

Seeking appropriate forms of their

expression in reality

Stand up for myself

Willingness to Be who I am openly

It means
Treat myself with respect in all human
encounters

Refusal to fake my person to be liked.

To live authentically

(Allowing for the obvious fact that there

To speak and act from my innermost
As a way of life, as a rule may be particular circumstances in which I
convictions and feelings
may justifiably choose not to do so.)

Surrender to timidity that consists of

What is Self-Assertiveness? consigning myself to a perpetual
underground where everything that I am
lies hidden or stillborn

to avoid confrontation with someone whose

Its opposite values differ from mine,

to please, placate, or manipulate someone

to "belong"

Belligerence

Inappropriate aggresiveness

It does not mean... Pushing to the front line

Knocking other people over

Upholding my own rights while being blind

or indifferent to everyone else's

Through volunteering an idea or paying a

In every context there will be appropriate
It pays attention to context
and inappropriate forms of self-expression
compliment
In work situations one cannot necessarily
Sometimes self-assertiveness is What's necessary is to know what one
Through a polite silence that signals voice all one's thoughts, and it is not
manifested... thinks, and to remain real.
nonagreement necessary to do so.

Appropriate self-assertiveness Refusing to smile at a tasteless joke

While what is appropriate self-expression

varies with context, in every situation there If we do not want to face this, of course we We will assert that we are helpless. But the
is a choice between being authentic or will deny that we have such a choice. choice is always there.
inauthentic, real or unreal.

Seeing is an act of self-assertion, and has

always been understood as such

See

Think
First and basic act of self-assertion =
The choice to
assertion of consciousness be aware

send the light of consciousness outward

toward the world and inward toward our
own being.

To ask questions

To challenge authority

To think for oneself, and to stand by what To default on this responsibility is to default
one thinks, is the root of self-assertion. on the self at the most basic level.

The ability to say no

Tested by what we are for

oppose what we deplore

Asks that we It is intimately tied to the issue of integrity.
live and express our values

To aspire is not yet self-assertion, or just

barely; but to bring our aspirations into
reality is.
Begins with the act of thinking but must not
It entails bringing ourselves into the world
end there
To hold values is not yet self-assertion, or
just barely; to pursue them and stand by
them in the world is.

To be able to say at the end, "while my life

was happening, I was there, I lived it."

Proceeds from the knowledge that my life

does not belong to others

Mother and father and other authority

To be commited to my right to exist
I am not here on earth to live up to
someone else's expectations.
It means their life is in their own hands
To many people, this is a terrifying
responsibility.
Not fear of this responsibility but surrender
to the fear is a chief contributor to the
subversion of self-esteem
figures cannot be counted on as protectors
They are responsible for their own
existence, and for generating their own
sense of security.
How can I experience a sense of personal
dignity?
If I will not stand up for my right to exist,
my right to belong to myself...
How can I experience a decent level of self-
esteem?

When we were young, many of us received

signals conveying that what we thought
and felt or wanted was not important.
What it is Unfortunately, this conviction is often
lacking
We were taught, in effect, "what you want Perhaps we were intimidated by
isn't important, what's important is what accusations of "selfishness" when we
others want." attempted to stand up for ourselves.

They do not require the integrity and

For many people, self-surrender and self-
responsibility that intelligent selfishness
sacrifice are far easier
requires
Courage to honor what we want and fight
The conviction that my ideas and wants are for it The sad irony is that when people cease to
important. Grasping at trivia after they have
honor or even attend to their deepest
surrendered their deeper yearnings, rarely
needs and wants, they sometimes become
even knowing what they have betrayed and
selfish, not in the noble but in the petty
given up.
What self-assertiveness is and is sense
not
develop it

fight for it
Within an organization, self-assertiveness is
required not merely to have a good idea
work to win supporters for it
but to...

It is the lack of this practice that causes so

do everything within one's power to see
many potential contributions to die before
that it gets translated into reality.
they are born.

When we expand the boundaries of our

ability to cope, we expand self-efficacy
and self-respect.

When we commit ourselves to new areas of

We thrust ourselves further into the
learning, when we take on tasks that
universe. We assert our existence.
stretch us, we raise personal power.

When we are attempting to understand

something and we hit a wall, it is an act of
self-assertiveness to persevere.

When we undertake to acquire new skills,

Willingness to confront rather than evade
the challenges of life and to strive for
mastery.
absorb new knowledge, extend the reach of
our mind across unfamiliar spaces
when we commit ourselves to moving to a
higher level of competence, we are
practicing self-assertiveness.

When we learn how to be in an intimate

relationship without abandoning our sense
of self

When we learn to be kind without being

self-sacrificing

When we learn how to cooperate with

others without betraying our standards and
convictions, we are practicing self-
assertiveness.

Learning to move and speak with more

assurance

Self assertiveness without consciousness is

Mindless rebelliousness
not self-assertiveness, it is drunk driving.

A life that consists only of a string of

Tested by what we are against
negations is a waste and a tragedy

One of the great self-delusions is to think

To dream one's life away is not self-
of oneself as a "valuer" or an "idealist"
assertion
while not pursuing one's values in reality

Healthy self-esteem asks that we leap into

Without appropriate self-assertiveness, we
the arena, that we be willing to get our
What it's not are spectators, not participants.
hands dirty.

Standing and moving as if we have no right

to the space we occupy

Speaking as if our intention is to not be able

to be heard

do not express ourselves

When we do not assert our being The world does not do it to us, we do it to
We inflict wounds on our sense of self
ourselves.
do not stand up for our values in contexts
where it is appropriate to do so

In our society or any other, if one believes

that it is more desirable to fit than to stand
out, one will not embrace the true virtue of
self-assertiveness.

Individuation raises the specter of isolation

to those who have not achieved it and do
A healthy society is a union of self-
not understand that far from being the
respecting individuals. Not a coral bush.
enemy of community, it is its necessary
precondition.

A well realized man or woman is one who The track of individuation Autonomy
has moved successfully along two lines of
development that serve and complement Capacity for intimacy and human
each other: The track of relationship
connectedness

If one's primary source of safety and if I express myself, I may evoke disapproval
security is through affiliation with the tribe,
because it signifies individuation (self If I love and affirm myself, I may evoke
the family, the group, the community, the
realization, the unfolding of personal resentment
company, the collective, then even self- They remain frozen in the face of such
identity), therefore separateness. Persons with an underdeveloped sense of
esteem can be perceived as threatening possibilities, and pay a terrible price in loss
identity often tell themselves... If I am too happy with myself, I may evoke
and frightening of self-esteem
jealousy.
Fear of Self-Assertiveness
If I stand out, I may be compelled to stand
alone.

wholeness

A modern term, but the idea it expresses is
"Individuation"
at least as old as Aristotle
completion
We think of the striving of the human being
toward
an internal thrust toward self-realization or
self-actualization reminiscent of Aristotle's
concept of entelechy.
This thrust is intimately associated with our
highest expressions of artistic and scientific
genius.
In the modern world, it is also associated
with political freedom, with the liberation of
humankind from centuries of servitude to
one kind of tribe or another.

they merely postpone confrontations that

The temptation to self-betrayal can
sometimes be worst with those about whom
we care the most.
Surrenders of this kind do not work
are inevitable and necessary.
No amount of admiration for another
human being can justify sacrificing one's
judgment.

The actions that support healthy self-

Self-assertiveness both supports self-
esteem are also expressions of healthy self-
esteem and is a manifestation of it.
esteem

Courage
One of the ways we build self-esteem is by
being self-assertive when it is not easy to
do so. There are always times when self-
assertiveness calls on our courage.