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- Memo Revised for Conciseness

NorthStar Telecommunication Services
lnteroffice Memo

DATE: November 12,20Ox

TO: Rodney Hawkins

FROM: Sierra McKinnev

GuwtLtors'
SU&IECT: r n uu rt i glíJ,fii M
",i,?o",,u. ( t*esttg;ied,
as you requested, I have Fñade-an{€,€s{+g€+¡

several of our competitors'Web sites. Attached hereifis a summary of my findings"

ef my in',e^tigatierfl was+ea,*flmost interested in mar,¡ri#É?llHar¡sen et tne emprffiráÍIl?

strateg¡es f€Fs,e+ko{i"las well as*he+*e$navigational graphicsreelto guide visitors
Eecause soo¡ q
through the sites. {+vieu¡elthe-{aelthat we witl be revising our own Web site

¡ v,¿s exre+nelfl¡ntrigued by the organization,{<+ndámarket¡ng tactics, and navigation at

s¿6¡€,qd€v€,Pflsite lvisited. ¡
I{ ?xe^se
.tii{her;eñHháffyou wou'd like to discuss this information with me,JedJree{ácall me at

Extension 2'19.

Attachment

Some communicators write the
first draft qu¡ckly; others revise
and polish as they go.
Many professional writers compose the first draft quickly without worry¡ng about
language, precision, or correctness. Then they revise and polish extensively. Other
writers, however, prefer to revise as they go-particularly for shorter business doc-
uments. Whether you revise as you go or do it when you finish a document, you'll
want to focus on concise wording. This includes eliminating wordy preposit¡onal
phrases, long lead-ins, outdated expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and repeti-
tious and redundant words. You will decide whether to inciude jargon, slang, and
clichés. You will also be looking for precise words that say exactly what you mean.

Main points are easier to under
stand in concise messages.
ln business, time is indeed money. Translated into writing, this means that concise
messages save reading time and, thus, money. ln addition, messages that are writ-
ten directly and efficiently are easier to read and comprehend. ln the revision process
Iook for shorter ways to say what you mean. Examine every sentence that you write.
Could the thought be conveyed in fewer words? Notice how the following flabby
expressions could be said more concisely.

Flabby phrases can often be Flabby Concise Flabby Concise

reduced to a single word. at a later date later fully cognizant of aware of
at this point rn time now in addition to the above also
afford an opportunity allow in spite of the fact that even though
are of the opinion thal believe, think that in the event that if
at the present time now, presently in the amouni of for
despite the fact that although in the near future soon
due to the fact that because in view of the fact that because
during the time while inasmuch as since
feel free to please more or less about
for the period of for until such time as until

40
 Wc*z"d3r Prega*sitáCIatm} Ffurases
Repffi,,umdy.prtpásJttot#:.= Some wordy prepositional phrases may be replaced by single adverbs. For exam-
plltasss,$i$ ádvofh§ tfl1&iBVtf.., ple, ln the normal course of events becomes normally and as a general rule becomes
p0§SihlÉ; ;,r:,' , :.::.:::':':=::: §enefally.'
Wordy Wal-Mart approached the union issue ln a careful manner.
Concise Wal-Mart approached ihe union issue carefully,
Wordy Our office will in all probability be relocated.
Concise Our office will probably be relocated,
Wordy We have taken this action in very few cases.
,, Concise We have seldom taken this action.

L*aag Le&d-§aas
Arrsid,longlead"inshatdelay,tire Delete unnecessary introductory words. The meat of the sentence often follows the
rÉader fBfil rmchin0 ths me*riÉg words that or because.

0f th0sÉntenc*.."'""' :::: Wordy This e-mait message is being sent to alt of you to tet you knaw
that new parking permits will be issued January 1.
Concise New parking permits will be issued January 1.
Wordy You will be interested to learn that you can now be served at
our Web site.

your organization was hiring trainees.

Concise Dr. Steven Hunt suggested thai your organization was hiring
trainees.

&eatdm&ed Hxpressi$xls
The world of business has changed greatly in the past century or two. Yet, some
D0nrltryt0§0ufidhu§inssgtil{e',,,
hymingoutdaterlexprcssiog§, business writers continue to use a¡tiquated phrases and expressions left over from
the past. They are trapped by the notion that these familiar phrases are necessary
to sound "businesslike." Forget that ideal Replace oudated expressions such as those
shown here with more modern phrasing:
Outdated Expressions Modern Phrasing
are in receipt of have received
as per your request at your request
attached hereto attached
enclosed please find enclosed is/are
pursuant to your request at your request
thanking you in advance thank you
I trust that I think, I believe
under separate cover separately

N**d§ess ÁdverY¡e
Avoid exeessive use of adverh Eliminating adverbs such as very, definitely, quite, completely, extremely, really, ac-
intensifien. tually, somewhat, and rather slreamlines your writing. Omitting these intensifiers gen-
erally makes you sound more credible and businesslike. Writers who wish to sound
sincere and conversational often include some intensifiers, but they guard against
excessive use.
Wordy We actually did not really give his proposal a very fair trial.
Concise We did not give his proposal a fair trial.

41
 Smart communicators
make sure their vacabu-
laries are as contempo-
::
rary as the offices in
which they work. They
É
:! avo¡d outdated expres-
:-::
sions, clichés, and
wordiness.
\,.*.;=''::

u:j

=
F
q
O ::I:
9:
^o:
ts:
o
=
d

-O
Z

Wordy Hewlett-Packard offrcials were extremely upset to learn that its

printers were def¡nitely being counterfeited.
Concise Hewlett-Packard officials were upset to learn that its printers
were being counterfeited.

Fi1á'sx.s
Avojd fiilers that fatten sentences with excess words. Beginning an idea with There
ls usually indicates that writers are spinning their wheels untll they decide where the
sentence is going. Used correctly, there indicates a specific place (/ ptaced the box
there). Used as fillers, there and occasionally it merely take up space. Most, but not
all, sentences can be revised so that these fillers are unnecessary.
wordy There is onry one candidate who passed the writing test.
Concise Only one candidate passed the writíng test.
Wordy lt was our auditor who made a discovery of the theft.
Concise Our auditor discovered the theft.

#. e .=.eii "..I1'l¡
§,,3. c; :uág, :::.*1 g:

Avoid the monotony of
unintentionally repeated lvords
Good communicators vary their words to avoid unintentional repetition. Not only does
this shorten a message, but it also improves vigor and readability. Variety of
expression can be achieved by searching for appropriate synonyms and by substi-
tuting pronouns. compare the following wordy paragraph with the more concise ver-
sion. Notice in the concise version that synonym s (representatives, members) replace
the overused employee.
Wordy Concise
an
EmpJoyees wíll be able to elect Employees may vote for six
additional six employees to serve add¡tional representatives to serve
with the four previously elected with the previously elected members
employees who currently comprise of their board of directors.
the employees' board of directors.

42

Redundancies convey a meaning
more than once.
Don1 use words that repeat
meaning. Which words could be
omitted?
Jargon, which is terminology
unique to a certaln profession,
should be reserved for
individuals who Lindersiand it.
Slang sounds fashionable, but it
lacks precise meaning and
should be avolded in business
writing.
Good writers are also alert to the overuse of the articles a, an, and particularly
fhe. Often the word the can simply be omitted, particularly with plural nouns.
Wordy The committee members agreed on many of the rule changes-
lmproved Committee members agreed on many rule changes.
Eáedeexsd.ffiffi& §q$e"d§
Repetition of words to achieve emphasis or effective transition is an important writ-
ing technique discussed in the previous chapter. The needless repetition, however,
of words whose meanings are clearly implied by other words is a writing fault called
redundancy. For example, in the expression final outcome, the word final is redun-
dant and should be omitted, since oufcorne implies finality. Learn to avoid redundant
expressions such as the following:
absolutely essential gratefulthanks
adequate enough mutual cooperation
advance warning necessary prerequisite
basic fundamentals new beginning
big in size passing fad
combined together pasf history
consensus of opinion reason why
continue on red in color
each and every refer back
exactly identical repeat again
few ln number lrue facts
.lmalgraaa
Except in certain specialized contexts, you should avoid jargon and unnecessary
technical terms. Jargon is special terminology that is peculiar to a particular activity
or profession. For example, geologists speak knowingly of exfoliation, calcareous
ooze, and siliceous particles. Engineers are familiar with phrases such as infrared
processing ftags, output latches, and movable symbology. Telecommunication ex-
perts use such words and phrases as protocols, clickstream, neural networks, and
asy n ch ro nous tran sm iss ion.
Every field has its own special vocabulary. Using that vocabulary within the field
is acceptable and even necessary for accurate, efficient communication. Don't use
specialized terms, however, if you have reason to believe that your reader may mis-
understand them.
GI q a'a rg
iJd@e¿r¡
Slang is composed of informal words with arbitrary and extravagantly changed mean-
ings Slang words quickly go out of fashion because they are no longer appealing
when everyone begins to understand them. Consider the following statement of a
government official who had been asked why his department was dropping a pro-
posal to lease offshore oil lands: "The Administration has an awful lot of other things
in the pipeline, and this has more wiggle room so they just moved it down the totem
pole." He added, however, that the proposal might be offered again since "there is
no pulling back because of hot-potato factors."
The meaning here, if the speaker really intended to impart any, is considerably
obscured by the use of slang. Good communicators, of course, aim at clarity and
avoid unintelligible slang.
lf you wantto sound professional, avoid expressions such as snarky, lousy, blow-
ing the budget, bombed, and getting burned. Good communicators aim at clarity
and avoid uninteiligible slang.
43
 DIISERI By Scott Adoms

NoTtlIt16 VtNTURED, H0{rJ CAN t^JE (JSE

LJE COULD
NoII1INIG 6AINED. IF OUR, flnENGtH5 o
.IOU'RE DORE THE¡ Joó
l\l0T FAKTOF TIIE AGAINST OUR,
5OLUTION YOU'RE TAñT c9lTrlrols- TO DEATti
u¡rm vax 2di
OFTHE FRODLEI1. I,JEAKNESSESa CLICHÉ5.
<p
-c
I =>
8s)
o:
-- 6
FO
GI
UU
=.
ól

Clichés are dull and sometimes
ambiguous.
ilááchés
Clichés are expressions that have become exhausted by overuse. These expressions
lack not only freshness but also clarity. Some have no meaning for people who are
new to our culture. The following partial list contains clichés you should avoid in busi-
ness writing,

below the belt iast but not least

better than new make a bundle
beyond a shadow of a doubt pass wlth flying colors
easier said than done quick as a flash
exception to the rule shoot from the hip
fill the bill stand your ground
first and foremost think outside the box
good to go true to form

Precise verbs make your livriting
forceful, clear, and l¡vely.
trrecise §Ierfos
Effective writing creates meaningful images in the mind of the reader. Such writing
is sparked by robust, concrete, and descriptive words. lneffective writing is often
dulled by insipid, abstract, and generalized words. The most direct way io improve
lifeless writing is through effective use of verbs. Verbs not only indicate the action of
the subject but also deliver the force of the sentence. Select verbs carefully so that
the reader can visualize precisely what is happening.
General A representative will contact you next week.
Precise A representative wiil (telephone, fax, e-mail, visif) you next
week.

General Our manager asked everyone to volunteer.

Precise Our manager {urged, begged, coaxed) everyone to volunteer

General We must consider this problem.

Precise We must (clarify, remedy, rectify) this problem
General The newspaper was affected by the str¡ke.
Precise The newspaper was (cilppled, silenced, demoralized) by the
strike.

Eua"ied Vee'fos
Converiing irerbs into wordy Buried verbs are those that are needlessly converted to wordy noun expressions.
noun expressrons lvcakens This happens when verbs such as acquire, establish, and develop are made lnto
business writing, nouns such as acquisition, establishment, and development. Such nouns often end

44
 in tion, ment, and ance.ln the following sentences, see how you can make your writ-
ing more concise and more powerful by avoiding wordy verblnoun conversions:

Our auditor made an e,ua¡ninatien ef the books.

Unions and
"?'-*/
managemenl@to continue talking.
W.enry
Celebrities promised to nake-an-aBpearaae+at the char§ event.
á;*a¿d
The webmaster and the desigrer Mgraphics'
q//,*ao.e
"" Both companies mustg+aat-appreval-el-lhe merger,

Cq¡ncnete H'ear]ls
Csncretgrnoüns hnlp:ieáders Nouns name persons, places, and things. Abstract nouns name concepts that are
yisualirgtheñ:rganing§.+f,rltrúrds. difficult to visualize, such as automation, function, iustice, institutian, integríty, form,
judgment, and environmenL Concrete nouns name objects that are more easily imag-
ined, such as desk, car, and laptop Nouns describing a given object can range from
the very abstract to the very concret+-for example, obiect, motor vehicle, car, con-
vertibte, Mustang. All of these words or phrases can be used to describe a Mustang
convertible. However, a reader would have difficulty envisioning a Mustang convert-
ible when given iust the word obiect or even mator vehicle or car.
: ,: ln business writing, help your reader "see" what you mean by using concrete
language.
General we received numerous inquiries
Concrete we received ZB inquiries

General that comPanY's new gadget

Concrete Sony Ericsson's 5710 camera that includes an MPS player
General a person called
Concrete James Grover, the senior marketing manager, called
General we have to move a lot of stuff
Concrete we have to move three rooms of furniture
General Negotiators use many skills
Concrete Negotiators use facf, diplomacy, empathy, and bustness sawy

Vivád Ad,$ea6áves
pri{§cd) lncluding highly descriptive, dynamic adjectives makes writing more vivid and concrete.
A:ihesarJrus tcümpgter 0r
helpsyouseleclFrsrisewords',,, Be carefut, though, neitherto overuse them norto lose objectivity in selecting them.
and increaseyüurvaeabulary' General Amanda submitted her report on time.
Vivid Amanda submitted her detailed 1?-page report on time.
General We must hire a good employee.
Vivid We must hire a productive, efficienl employee'
General Bick needs a better truck.
Vivid Rick needs a rugged, four-wheel-drive Dodgelruck'
General We enjoyed the movie.
Vivid We enjoyed Ihe entertaining and absorbing movie.
Overkill We enjoyed the gutsy, exciting, capt¡vating, and thoroughly
marvelous movie.

45