WHY

MEN
DON'T
COMMIT
THE SECRET TO GETTING ANY MAN
BEGGING FOR COMMITMENT

BENJAMIN
BENJAMIN DALY
DALY
 WHY MEN
DON’T COMMIT
The Secret To Getting Any Man
Begging For Commitment

Benjamin Daly

1
2
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Benjamin Daly is a best-
selling author and
dating coach. For over a
decade, he has helped
women find and form
relationships with their
dream man. His study
of behaviour, psychology and social interaction
has led him to develop simple strategies that get
results.

As seen in:

3
4
INTRODUCTION

By the end of this book, you’ll know exactly

why men don’t commit. You’ll discover what
men want and how to get them begging for
commitment.

As a dating coach, getting a guy to commit is

the biggest challenge my clients face.

Let me tell you a story of one of my clients,

who I’ll call Sarah.

Sarah was a successful, career driven woman in

her later 20s. After a painful breakup, she
finally felt ready to start dating again.

Sarah dreaded the idea of dating, but she

wanted to find the right partner. She was now
ready to settle down. Time was a factor and she
didn’t want to leave it too late.

After several disappointing dates, she met one

guy she actually quite liked. His name was Joe.

5
Joe was in his early 30s. He was a handsome,
charming, ambitious and witty. Sarah felt
amazing around Joe. Sarah saw his potential
and liked the idea of a relationship with him.

He mentioned that he had been in a few long-

term relationships. He said they hadn’t worked
out for various reasons.

Sarah and Joe met every week and by the

second month, they were staying at each other’s
places regularly. It had all the signs of a new
blossoming relationship.

His high level of investment was surprising.

Sarah had never met a guy like him and was
considering whether he could be “the one”.

One day something changed. It was very

subtly, but Sarah noticed instantly. Joe seemed
to be a little distant that day. When Sarah
would text, his responses were delayed, and he
seemed less engaged than before. She would try
to arrange a meet up, but he was unavailable on
the dates she suggested.

6
That familiar feeling of dread emerged. Her
mind was spinning, thinking about what she
had done wrong.

Sarah decided to get clarity from Joe. Nothing

had been arranged for them to meet face-to-
face, so she sent him a message to see if
everything was ok. Several hours passed before
she got a response.

In his response, Joe apologised for his lack of

communication. He said that he was under
pressure at work and needed some space to
figure things out.

Although upset, Sarah decided to give him

space. She questioned what she could have
done wrong and why he needed space. Her
insecurity and fear of abandonment started to
rise. She had this horrible feeling that Joe was
slipping away.

A few days passed and she still hadn’t heard

anything from Joe. She was stuck in this place
of uncertainty. The feelings of confusion and

7
self-doubt became overwhelming. She needed
reassurance, so she messaged him again.

Joe responded later that night. What she feared

most came true. He said that he loved spending
time with her and that he thought she was an
amazing girl. But after a lot of thought, he
realised that he’s not quite ready for a
relationship. He suggested that they both stay
in contact, but he understood if she didn’t
want to do this.

Sarah was devastated. She thought that Joe was

the right one. She found herself thinking back
to all the times he complimented her and told
her how special she was. What happened? Why
did he change his mind? If he was feeling like
this, why didn’t he just talk to her about it?

8
USUAL STORY

Do you recognise yourself in the scenario

above?

If you’re reading this book, you’ve probably

experienced something similar. You’ve met a
guy you like, and for some reason it falls apart
just before a relationship develops. He may pull
back or even disappear after a few dates.

Your situation may be different. You may be

stuck in a “casual relationship” where it’s all sex
and no commitment. You want to transition
from casual to committed.

Or you may be in a relationship, but you worry

that it’s going to fall apart at any moment. Like
a ticking time-bomb. Where the slightest
movement on your part would set it off and
have him running for cover.

The underlying problem remains the same. He

is not making a full commitment to you and
the relationship.

9
If this is you, you’re not alone. This is the
number one challenge single women face.

Getting a guy motivated about commitment is

hard. Unless you know how.

If he is not committing, it doesn’t mean that

you are needy, damaged or unworthy. In fact,
you are rarely the cause of a man not wanting
to commit to you.

Both men and women want relationships.

That’s right. Men want relationships too, But
he just wants different things from the
relationship.

The challenge is that so few understand what

men truly want from a relationship.

But when you know, it all makes sense.

10
WHY THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN

This book has been written to help you

understand why men avoid commitment. More
importantly, it explains how to get him
motivated about being in a relationship with
you.

In the past, you may have turned to friends,

blogs, magazines, astrology and even psychics
to gain insight on men. I have found that most
information is misleading and incorrect.

You’ll be more hurt than helped by most

advice out there. Only a handful of books
(including this one) contain the real reasons
why men don’t commit.

In my career as a dating coach, I’ve spent years

developing a deep understanding of the male
brain. To figure out why this “relationship
barrier” is so challenging.

In my personal life, I have first-hand experience

of entering several relationships and

11
experienced my own resistance. I have also seen
the challenges my male friends have
experienced during this period.

After a while, I began to notice the same trend

emerging time and time again and again.

I will share with you the secrets that will help

you navigate this territory with ease. My goal is
to help you feel empowered, informed and for
once, not confused by men.

There are no tricks, gimmicks, shortcuts or

manipulation tactics in this book. Only
fundamental truths about men that will help
you get the relationship you’re after.

Now, before we begin, I want to make

something clear.

I’m here to share the truth. The information in

this book may be a little uncomfortable to hear
at times. But, I believe it’s better to work with
facts, so you know exactly what you’re dealing
with.

12
At moments you’ll think “What’s the point?!
He’s never going to commit”. But don’t stress.
I’ve developed workarounds in this book, so
you can have the relationship you’ve always
wanted.

WE ARE DIFFERENT

This might sound obvious, but men and

women are different.

It doesn’t mean that any one gender is right or

wrong, good or bad, better or worse. We’re just
different.

New research has concluded that each gender is

wired to love, bond and commit differently.

There is a reason why women find men so

confusing and frustrating. This is because many
women assume that men have the same or
similar needs. This is just not the case.

13
This runs both ways of course. Men are just as
confused with women. Many men assume that
women have the same or similar needs too.

We all experience the world from our own

perspective. As a result, we give love in the
same way we want to receive it. But this
doesn’t work.

Loving a man, the way you want to be loved is

like filling a petrol engine car with diesel fuel.
The car won’t go very far.

His needs are very different to yours. To get

him excited, you need to give him the right
fuel.

The giving, connecting and caretaking you give

may make sense from your perspective. But, it
does little for his decision to commit. In fact, it
can sometimes have the opposite effect. That’s
right, your giving, connecting and caretaking
can sometimes push a guy away!

14
The greatest cause of frustration comes from a
lack of understanding. Few women know how
men think, feel, behave and make decisions
relating to commitment.

This is usually because most men are

incompetent at communicating what they
really want.

The key to getting a guy wanting commitment

is to give him what he wants from a
relationship. It’s that simple.

Think of a fisherman baiting his hook. The

fisherman doesn’t bait the hook with what he
wants to eat. He baits the hook with what the
fish wants to eat.

YOUR NEEDS

You might be thinking, “Well, what about me?

A man should give me what I need too”.

15
I completely agree. A happy, successful and
long-lasting relationship is a relationship of
equals. For it to work, both parties must have
their needs met. Our focus is to attract a
win/win relationship where everyone is happy.

The chances are that you know what you want

from a partner, and don’t need reminding.
What you don’t know is what a man wants
from a relationship.

This book is about uncovering what a man

truly needs.

This does not make your needs any less

important. Nor must you take a back seat,
sacrifice your needs, or quit on your dreams to
make a man happy.

Just to make this clear. By giving a guy what he

needs does not mean you have to give up your
needs. The right relationship will be a win/win
where everyone is happy.

16
THE GENDER SCALE

I want you to imagine there is a line, on one

end is male, and the other is female. This scale
represents gender traits and characteristics that
are “typical” with each gender. Most of us fall
somewhere along this scale for the majority of
time.

Of course, everyone is unique. Many

individuals or groups defy these common
gender trends. There is no right or wrong, we
are just who we are.

For simplicity, this book is written in broad

and general terms. We are going to study the
male side of the scale as most of the guys you
encounter will fall within this range. We will
study the way most men think, feel and behave.

17
THE RIGHT GUY

Now, let me clarify. There are definitely

players, narcissists and all-round douchebags
out there.

You’ve probably been messed about by a few of

these guys in the past. Trying to convert those
guys into a partner is pointless and destructive.

But I don’t want those experiences to taint

your judgement of men as a whole.

Fortunately, there are another group of guys

out there. These are the good ones who want to
be a great partner to you. But, they struggle to
get over this commitment hurdle.

This book is about finding the right guy, and

adjusting the love you already give, to match
what he needs from a relationship.

18
OUR GOAL

Whatever your current circumstances, whether

you’re dating or in an undefined relationship,
my goal is to give the concepts, strategies and
approaches to take commitment to the next
level.

Let’s imagine that you’re playing a game of

poker. Would your odds of winning improve if
you knew how to read your opponent or knew
their strategy? Of course it would.

The game would be more enjoyable and less

stressful too.

Dating and relationships work in the same way.

Knowing how a guy thinks and reacts will

improve your odds of success. You’re putting
the odds in your favour.

By the end of this book, you will have the

knowledge you need. You'll understand how,

19
why, and when a guy is ready, able and most of
all, willing to commit!

Let’s begin.

20
A MAN’S JOURNEY

Every man is on a journey. Where he’s at on

his journey will affect his willingness to
commit.

Now, to give you context, let’s rewind a couple

of hundred thousand years. Back to our hunter
gatherer days.

Back then, a man’s instinct drove him to hunt

and protect the tribe. His survival and the
survival of his mate and offspring were
dependant on his ability to perform. If he
failed, lives could be at risk. Put simply,
surviving and having offspring was the goal.

Things are different now. We live in world

with houses, cars, careers and smart phones.
The modern man does not need to fight sabre-
toothed tigers. But these modern times only
make up less than 0.001% of our existence as
humans. Non-cave-living is only a very recent
development when you see the big picture.

21
Technology and society may have changed, but
our deep hard-wired mammal brains haven’t.

A man’s brain is still biologically hard-wired for

three main objectives:

• To achieve something.
• To protect someone.
• To earn someone’s respect.

These three objectives are what enabled a man

to survive, find a mate and pass on his genes.
Survival of the fittest has reinforced these traits
over thousands of years.

As men, we still experience exactly the same

desire to achieve, protect and earn respect in
modern life. This means we still have the same
functions and instinct that we had thousands of
years ago. We remain virtually the same.

These three objectives control a man’s

behaviour and desires. Most of the time he’s

22
not even aware it’s happening. Not on a
conscious level at least.

All three objectives have an impact on the

relationship you have with a man. But one in
particular is a lynchpin for commitment. That
is his innate desire to achieve something.

Several studies have tracked the brain,

behaviour and hormones of both men and
women. These studies conclude that, like
women, there are hormonal changes in men
throughout their lifespan.

THE KNIGHT, THE PRINCE & THE

KING

Alison Armstrong, the best-selling author in

gender studies uses a metaphor to describe
three developmental stages of a man’s life.

These stages are not planned. There are no

initiation ceremonies or rites of passage. People
don’t even mention these stages. It’s a natural

23
journey of maturity that men experience,
driven by their hormones.

There are three stages - The Knight, The

Prince & The King.

These stages will determine his approach to

building a committed relationship. Let’s
explore each stage in more detail.

THE KNIGHT

The Knight stage comes first. This starts during

adolescence. When he’s a Knight, life is all
about fun, adventure, freedom and exploration.
At this stage, commitment is not even on his
radar, he’s too busy having fun.

It’s typical that when most men reach their mid

to late 20s, they grow out of The Knight stage.

24
THE PRINCE

The next stage in a man’s life is The Prince.

When he enters this stage, he has a sudden
realization. He hasn’t built anything of
significance. Suddenly, the fun, adventure and
partying seem less appealing.

His focus shifts onto making a mark on the

world. Typically, this involves developing his
career, building a business or getting qualified.
He becomes fixated with a larger goal that will
give him a sense of meaning and purpose.

His calling doesn’t always come immediately. It

often takes time for him to establish the goal he
wants to pursue. This is frustrating and
embarrassing for a guy to not know where he’s
going. His mission is not to get married or start
a family yet. Settling down is something he will
do later.

The Prince stage usually begins late 20s and

mid-30s, depending on the maturity of the
man. This stage can last from 10 to 25 years.

25
THE KING

The King stage is the third and final stage of a

man’s journey. At this stage, most men are
established and starting to think about the
legacy they want to leave behind.

A King can now focus on fewer things that are

meaningful to him. He is open to sharing the
bounty of his success, whether that be
knowledge or resources. The King’s stage
marks a turning point in his relationship. He
now feels truly ready to relax into a
relationship.

Men typically reach The King stage in their 40s

and 50s and remain as a King.

Can you see the problem?

I’m guessing that the time when you arrive in

his life, ready to start a relationship, he’s in The
Prince stage. He’s fully focussed on getting
himself established. This is a time when
relationships are low on his agenda.

26
SUMMARY

• A man is programmed to achieve

something, to protect someone and to earn
someone’s respect.
• A man’s brain has changed very little since
the hunter gatherer days.
• There are three stages to a man’s
development, The Knight, The Prince &
The King.
• When you meet a man, he’s very likely to
be in The Prince stage, a time where a
relationship is low on his priorities.

27
HIS PRIORITY

Let’s assume you’ve met a guy you like. He’s

got the potential to be a great partner, but he’s
at The Prince stage of his journey.

Your Prince is on a mission. This is usually a

career, a business, a project, an education, a
lifestyle or a financial goal. It’s some form of
long-term goal that gives him a sense of
achievement and credibility.

He has a deep urge to pursue a niche in life

where he can be successful. His mission makes
him feel alive, needed, and as though his life
has purpose and meaning.

He cannot rest until he feels he’s rising to the

challenge. Without a purpose, he feels
disconnected and depressed. If he hasn’t yet
found his mission, finding his mission in life
becomes the new priority.

28
His mission is so closely tied to his identity.
Understanding his mission is understanding
him.

His mission has biological significance. He’s

programmed to become established. When he
has his profession, education and finances in
order, he feels better ready to “settle down”.
His hormones drive him to achieve as a way of
preparing for the provider role which is the
next stage of his journey.

Society has changed considerably over the

years. He doesn’t need to be “the provider”.
Yet his ancient hunter gatherer brain remains
the same.

At this stage, he will choose his mission over a

relationship. This is because he has a drive to
reach a certain level of achievement before
making commitments.

He has likely dated or been in a relationship

with someone who doesn’t understand the
significance. Women who don’t know this

29
about men can’t understand why men don’t
seem as invested in the relationship as they are.

I want you to imagine his mission as the secret

back door to commitment. Understanding his
mission is the first step.

When you know where he’s at and where he

wants to go, getting a guy committed becomes
so much easier.

WHAT’S HIS MISSION?

The first step is to figure out his goals, desires,

interests, passions and needs. It’s about
establishing what’s meaningful for him, what
he wants to achieve and what he wants out of
life.

Now, I don’t recommend you pull out the

deep and meaningful questions immediately.
This might feel awkward and contrived.
Instead, it should feel natural.

30
In conversation, he will likely drop hints about
his mission. After all, we all love to talk about
the things that we value most.

Let me give you an example.

You met a guy you like. He’s in his early 30s

and works in tech. On a date, he let slip that
he’s pretty demotivated at work. He landed the
job he always thought he wanted. But his
dream is to start his own business building
apps. Most people would brush over this
relatively insignificant fact, but this is where
you find your gold.

Now you know the secret, you dig a little

deeper. You ask him questions about the type
of business he wants to run, how it would look,
why it’s important to him. Suddenly, he’s very
engaged.

Remember, at this stage, nobody is that

interested in his mission, other than himself.
By asking questions like this, you’re raising a

31
hand and saying, “I’m interested too”. This will
make you stand out from the crowd.

When he brings it up, your goal is to ask open

questions that allow him to express himself
further.

Some questions include:

• Where would you like to be in your

career/business?
• Where would you like to be in 10 years’
time?
• Why is this goal so important to you?
• What motivates you?
• What would it mean to achieve your goal?
• What will you do when you get there?
• What’s been your biggest accomplishment
this year?

It might feel uncomfortable asking these types

of questions, but it’s worth it. He might not
even have great answers to your questions. The

32
important thing is that you’re showing a
genuine interest.

Many guys haven’t yet taken action on their

goals. He might have fears and limitations that
are preventing him from taking the first step.
He might even feel embarrassed that he hasn’t
started yet. That’s ok. At this point, you want
to help him explore his thoughts.

When you make a guy feel comfortable talking

about his aspirations, he’ll want to share more.
The more interested you are, the more he’ll
want to open up. The more he opens up, the
more he’ll bond with you.

SUMMARY

• During The Prince stage, a man’s mission

is his number one priority.
• His mission is usually a career, a business, a
project, an education, a lifestyle or a
financial goal.

33
• To understand his mission is to understand
him.
• He is biologically driven to achieve. This
will prepare him to become a better
“provider.”
• His mission is the gateway to getting him
committed.
• Use open questions to establish his mission.

34
A MAN’S VIEW OF
COMMITMENT

DISCLAIMER: You might find this chapter

infuriating and a little depressing. We’ll be
talking about why guys don’t want to commit.
But don’t worry, I will show you how to
overcome a man’s apathy towards commitment
by the end of this book.

Men are typically resistant to commitment.

However, men aren’t anti-relationship or

commitment-phobes. They do actually want
someone they can share their life with, even
while they’re in their Prince phase. If every
woman had to wait for him to be ready,
nobody would start relationships in their 30s.

To understand what’s going on, we’re now

going to take a deep dive into his mind.

35
MEN DON’T THINK ABOUT
COMMITMENT

Men don’t seek out commitment or see

commitment as a goal.

Ask any man when he plans to graduate, get his

promotion, sell his business or complete his
triathlon. He will give you a detailed map with
verbal graphs and timeline charts. He may even
have his plans laid out in a spreadsheet or app.

Ask him about his plans for marriage and

starting a family, and he’ll say vague like
“someday” or “before I’m too old”.

Men have a vague idea of when they might

want to be in a relationship. But they tend not
to think about it very often. You wouldn’t find
a man thinking or talking about commitment.

A man only thinks about commitment when

he has to.

36
In a relationship, his main focus is the present.
If it feels good and it doesn’t complicate the
things he’s working on, he’s good. He only
objects when there’s conflict between his love
life and his mission.

HIS OBJECTIONS

A study identifies the difference in dating

preferences in men and women. The results -
both men and women preferred traditional
dating over random hook-ups. Yet, there were
some differences:

• Women wanted a relationship more than

men. In a hook-up situation, women feared
becoming attached to a man who wasn’t
interested in them.

• Men valued independence more than

women. In a hook-up situation, men feared
that a woman might seek to establish a
relationship.

37
We can see here that men are resistant to
progressing the relationship. But what are they
worried about?

Here are the biggest worries men have about

commitment:

• I will lose my freedom and independence.

• The relationships will take up too much
time.
• I will be slowed down.
• My energy and focus will be redirected
away from my mission.
• I’ll be distracted.
• I’ll feel suffocated.
• I won’t be able to reach my goals.
• I will fail at both my mission and the
relationship if I do both.

What you’ll notice is the most common

responses relate directly or indirectly to one
thing, his mission. His mission is high on his

38
priority and he will do what he can to protect
it.

These worries won’t materialise for many

relationships. But it’s useful to get an insight
into a man’s mental objections well in advance
of a relationship occurring.

HIS OPTIONS

It’s frustrating, I get it, but here’s the point.

The reason he stays single, is because he gets to
focus on getting himself established. He
chooses to pick up the whole relationship thing
later.

For a man to feel motivated about

commitment, getting into a relationship has to
be better than what he’s doing right now. I
want you to read that last sentence again.

I’m sure you feel the same way. But here’s the
difference - single life is a different experience
for a man.

39
Let me shed some light on how a man ranks his
options:

BRONZE OPTION – This is a relationship

where he’s dissatisfied with where he’s at. Also,
he has limited freedom to improve his
situation. On the surface, the relationship
might look great, but deep down, he is
dissatisfied. He feels like there’s a tug of war
and he’s stuck in the middle. On one side is the
relationship and on the other side is his
mission. Eventually, he loses his spark. The
result – he usually exits the relationship because
he feels depressed and restricted. Men fear
falling into this type of relationship.

SILVER OPTION – This is when he’s

single. This is his comfort zone. He’s self-
sufficient and doesn’t have to give anything up.
He can pursue his mission without permission.
He may not be in a relationship, but his needs
are being met through his work, career,
business or project. Single life for a guy is
comfortable.

40
GOLD OPTION – This is the best option
for a guy. A man wants this option but doubts
that it’s even possible. It’s a relationship where
he has the freedom to achieve his goals and still
have a happy relationship. There is no
resistance because his partner is on board with
his mission. With this special someone, he feels
as though he can perform better and achieve
more than when he’s single. She enriches his
life in a way that he never could on his own. It
may need some sacrifice from both parties in
the short-term. But, if both are willing to see it
through, the long-term rewards can be
bountiful.

The uncomfortable truth is that most single

men see a relationship as a downgrade. From
silver to bronze. This is because he’s been in
relationships where he has to decide between
his relationship and his mission.

For a guy to make a long-term commitment,

he needs to feel as though starting a

41
relationship is an upgrade. From a silver to a
gold.

The graph below shows a guy’s thinking. The

X axis represents time in months. The Y axis
represents his productivity.

HIS PREDICTION
1,000

800
PRODUCTIVITY

600

400

200

-
1 3 5 7 9 11 13 15 17 19 21 23
MONTHS

BRONZE SILVER GOLD

In all three scenarios, he starts in the same

place. If he takes the bronze option, he predicts
that his productivity will fall with time. With
the silver option, he predicts that his
productivity will rise with time. As he is only

42
responsible for himself. The gold option is
what he really wants. It’s a relationship where
he can achieve and become more than he ever
could on his own.

Until he feels like he can accomplish more in

the relationship, he’ll tell you “I’m not ready”.

“I’M NOT READY”

The most popular reason for not getting over

the relationship barrier is “I’m not ready”.
When he says he’s not ready, it’s because his
instincts have him going in another direction.

Let’s go back to Sarah and Joe (see

Introduction) to hear Joe’s side of the story:

When Joe met Sarah, he wasn’t thinking about

settling down. This is because, in his mind,
he’s wasn’t even close to where he wanted to be
in life. He was aware of the mountain in front
of him and he was determined to get to the
top.

43
Joe, like most men, had two voices in his head.

The first voice said, “Stay focussed until you

get the job done. Don’t let anything get in your
way”.

The second voice said, “It’s ok to take your

foot off the gas once in a while. Maybe you
should just enjoy the journey”.

When the second voice crept in, he decided to

jump on a new dating app. He missed the
excitement of dating and the companionship of
a relationship. He wasn’t thinking much about
what could come of it. If anything, it made a
nice break from work.

This is when Sarah appeared. From her photos,

Joe thought Sarah was incredible. Conversation
flowed and they arrange their first date. When
they meet, Joe was blown away. She was
beautiful, smart and funny too.

Over the following months, they dated and

became more intimate. They were both into

44
one another. Joe enjoyed seeing Sarah and their
time together hadn’t had an impact on his
career.

That was until Joe missed a deadline at work. It

wasn’t disastrous, but it was significant to Joe.
He looked at the projects and realised that he
was further behind than he thought. This had
never happened before. Joe freaked out. His
identity was so closely linked to his skill at
work. Instantly, the first voice chimed in
“What were you thinking? You got distracted
and now you’re totally off course. You need to
get this back on track ASAP”.

This is when the relationship took a turn. He

realised that he dropped the ball at work. He
was willing to do whatever he could to get back
on track and preserve his competent
reputation. He was aware that Sarah wanted a
relationship. He knew he would have to invest
more energy in the relationship and less in his
mission.

45
Even though he liked Sarah a lot, he decided to
call it off before it progressed any further. He
didn’t feel confident that he could handle it all.

Timing is everything for a guy. The challenge

is that you may be expecting him to be ready
when you are. It’s expecting him to respond
like The King when he’s still The Prince.

When a man says he’s not ready, what he’s

really saying is:

“I like you, but I’m not happy with my

situation right now. I don’t feel confident that
I can succeed in my mission and the
relationship at the same time. Being in a
relationship is a big responsibility. It requires
investing time and attention that I just don’t
have right now. I really worry that the
relationship will hold me back. I would be
open to this at a later time when I’m
established, but right now, I haven’t achieved
the things I want to achieve yet”

46
When I meet single guys in their late 20s and
30s, I always ask same question, “Why aren’t
you in a relationship?”. They respond with
“I’m just focused on work right now. Getting
into a relationship will just distract me from
what I want to do. I’d be open to it if I met the
right person, but I’m just not in that headspace
right now”.

Most men will stay in that place until they feel

like they have their life in order. If you imagine
building a house. A man won’t be thinking
about building anything above ground until
the foundations are set.

You might be thinking, “Why can’t he just do

it all? I can manage it all”.

This is true. The difference comes down to

urgency. For a man at this stage, there’s no
pressure to get his relationship handled
immediately. And here’s something no-one
wants to talk about. He has no time limit, so
given the choice he will act when he’s ready.

47
Plus, his needs are often better met through his
mission, not a relationship.

It sucks to hear, I get it.

But imagine if the roles were reversed. Imagine

you had no body clock and your hormones
were driving you in a different direction.

You’d probably wouldn’t see relationships as

being urgent.

But it’s not a dead-end. There are ways to get

him motivated about relationship that we’ll
discuss later in this book.

RESPONSIBILITIES

This is a big difference between how men and

women view commitment. Women view
commitment as an act of love, men view
commitment as a responsibility.

48
Author and relationship coach Paula Grooms
describes it best.

Imagine your friend has a puppy called Scout.

She’s busy with work and asks you to take care
of him one weekend. He’s adorable, fun and
brings joy to your weekend. When you give
him back, you tell your friend that you’d have
him any time.

You friend gets busier at work and asks you if

these weekends can be a regular thing. Of
course, you accept. Scout becomes your
weekend companion. He goes with you
everywhere. He meets all your friends and
family too.

One day, your friend arrives at your house

upset.

You ask her what’s wrong and she says her

work is relentless. She says she can’t give Scout
the love and attention he needs. She asks you if
you want to adopt him. To be yours
permanently.

49
You’re shocked and start to think of what
would be involved. You think about the
responsibility. Also, how would you be
restricted in the foreseeable future? How would
it affect your working life? Could you afford it?
What about that Europe trip you planned or
the Masters course you wanted to start next
year?

You still love Scout, but you’re now looking at

the bigger picture. It’s a big responsibility.
How is this all going to work?

Men feel the same when it comes to

commitment. In the beginning, it’s fun,
exciting and care-free. The time you spend
together has little impact on any other area in
his life. Then the commitment question comes
up. He considers how the responsibility of a
relationship will affect everything else.

50
HIS PROJECTIONS

Just like the puppy scenario, we all project

forward to weigh up our options. This is to
determine whether our current strategy will
yield pleasure or pain. Think about what gets
you energized. It’s probably the anticipation of
pleasure.

Psychologists conducted a study on happiness.

They asked people to track their levels of
happiness throughout the week. A clear trend
emerged. Happiness peaked on Friday
afternoons and plummeted on Sunday evening.
This is due to the anticipation of the weekend
on Friday and the full work week on Sunday.
The human mind is an anticipation machine.

He will be doing much the same. He will

project into the future to see where each
decision will lead.

If he can envisage you, him and his mission

working successfully together, he’ll be open to
taking the next step. The reverse is also true. If

51
he projects forward and sees a life of drama,
discomfort and distraction, he’ll remain single.

This is why several weeks or months into the

interaction, men get cold feet. In the beginning
it was fun, exciting and care-free. Emotions are
high and he’s fully present. Then the emotional
high drops, and reality kicks in.

He might project into the future and feels

deflated. He might see a tug of war between
the relationship and his mission. He knows
that his energy, time and attention is limited.
It’s unlikely he’ll be able to do both without an
incredible amount of understanding from you.
Completing his mission is a selfish task and he
knows that. Which is why he might take the
easy route and stay single until he’s ready to
give more.

As we discussed previously, a Prince’s priority is

his mission. He craves progress. If he feels like
he’ll be restricted from reaching his goals, he
will stay responsibility-free. He'll live single

52
until he finds the right relationship where he
can achieve more.

You can see now that this is less about you, and
more about how the relationship affects him.

To get a guy motivated about commitment,

you have to make it clear that he does not have
to choose between a relationship and achieving
his goals. He needs to feel confident that he
can do it all. If he feels he can win at both, it’s
more likely that he will agree to commit.

This does not mean that you have to give up

your goals and aspirations for him. Not at all.
In fact, it requires no more investment than
any normal relationship. It’s simply changing
your approach to relationships to give him
what he really wants.

Deep down, he wants to do it with you.

Finding a partner that supports and encourages
him to be the best version of himself is what he
craves. A man will happily jump into a

53
relationship with a woman who makes him feel
great about who he is and what he has to offer.

He needs to see you as a critical element in his

future success. Remember, most men in The
Prince stage are dissatisfied with where they’re
at. To get him motivated, you must paint a
“grass is greener” image in his mind. Show that
being in a relationship with you will yield
better results than remaining single.

Imagine he is standing at the edge of a canyon

looking across the gorge to the other side. On
his side is his problems, fears and doubts. On
the other side is the goal he’s looking to
achieve. For a man to commit, you need to
show that the relationship will help build the
bridge that gets him to the other side.

DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP

If you’re reading this book, you want

commitment. Your undefined relationships
have reached an impasse. You feel you’re given

54
yourself physically and emotionally - without
any of the security that comes with a
committed relationship.

At some point you need to have “the chat”.

Don’t kid yourself. He isn’t going to start the
commitment conversation. Men don’t think,
talk or plan for commitment. Given the choice,
he would avoid the topic altogether.

This is because men associate commitment

with extra responsibility and restriction. Most
men would rather keep things as they are – fun,
exciting and care-free. He’s blissfully in his
state of being without a thought of changing
anything.

The only time a guy will bring it up if he feels

like the relationship would be a gold option.

Most guys know “the chat” is coming. To have

the chat, find the right time to bring the
conversation onto relationships. Let him know
how you’re feeling and that you wanted to get
his thoughts on relationships.

55
There is no perfect way of having this
conversation.

After you have this conversation, his mind will

shift gear and he’ll go into logical mode. He
will start thinking about all the implications of
taking this next step.

It’s important to understand that men do not

make decisions based on feelings. In the early
stage, it’s all feelings. But when it starts getting
serious, he slips into logic mode.

He will see commitment as a big responsibility.

He'll weigh up whether he can succeed at this
new role as your partner. If he doesn’t feel
ready to take on this responsibility, he will
decide that commitment isn’t right for him,
right now.

This is a critical moment. As mentioned earlier,

men don’t think about commitment until they
have to. This is one of those moments.

56
Men usually need some time to make a
decision, which is understandable.

As should you. You should think seriously

about whether he is the right guy for you.
Choosing your long-term partner is the biggest
decision you can make, so choose wisely.

POSSIBILE OUTCOMES

There are three possible outcomes from this

discussion:

1. He doesn’t want to start a committed

relationship.
2. He disregards the conversation.
3. He wants a committed relationship.

57
1. HE DOESN’T WANT A
COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP

As disappointing as it may be, he may say

“No”. This is because he doesn’t see it working
long-term. Don’t take it personally. The likely
reason is that he’s not in a place where he feels
he can commit successfully.

If he’s mature, he will communicate his feelings

and explain why he’s not ready for
commitment. If he’s immature, he will
disappear or give off mixed signals without
communication.

Revising this book will help you avoid these

situations in the future.

If you have put your best foot forward and it’s

still a “No”, it’s out of your hands. Don’t waste
your time trying to convince a guy who is
adamant on being single. You might twist his
arm, but sooner or later, he will go back to his
original way of thinking. In sales, this is known
as “buyer’s remorse”.

58
2. HE DISREGARDS THE
CONVERSATION

Some guys will disregard the conversation. You

should avoid these guys. This is a signal that he
doesn’t respect you.

This guy’s intention is to maintain the status-

quo. He gets his needs met while you don’t.
He’s a freeloader.

You know the free cheese they give away in

supermarkets. Usually on little sticks. This guy
is the person who keep going back for the
freebies without ever committing to buy.

If he’s not feeling it, it would be honourable to

end it respectfully so you can find someone
who will give you what you need. But he
usually won’t.

Whatever you do, do not get stuck in this

“undefined relationship”. Sure, give a man
some time to think about it. In his mind, this is
a big decision. But do not allow it to drag on.

59
If he continues to avoid the topic, it’s a sign he
will never commit. You need to call it off!

Key point - A man’s continued desire to sleep

with you has no relationship to his willingness
to commit. If he’s attracted to you, he will
want to sleep with you regardless. Time spent
together also has no bearing on a man’s
readiness, willingness or ability to commit. It’s
important to make this distinction.

He might have strong feelings for you. He

might even love you. But, this doesn’t mean
he’s prepared for a long-term committed
relationship. He’s simply enjoying the time,
attention and affection you give him in the
moment.

60
3. HE WANTS A COMMITTED
RELATIONSHIP

He might be happy to take it forward. If he’s

really sold, he might even suggest a relationship
before you do.

Men don’t usually make decisions based on

feelings. His emotions will be a consideration,
but the final decision will be based on logic. If
he says yes (without pressure), he means it.

Some good news. Although it’s harder to get a

guy to commit, when he does, he’s unlikely to
back out of his decision. Studies have shown
that 80% of divorces are filed by women. This
means that even if the relationship is going
badly, he’s less likely to back out of his
decision.

This is like an unspoken man-code. To shirk

on your responsibilities makes you weak. It’s
not a part of male human nature to renege on
commitments if it doesn’t “feel good”. A real

61
man sucks it up and sticks it out until the bitter
end.

More good news.

Men bond through commitment and

responsibilities. That’s right. When a man
makes a decision, this is when true bonding
occurs.

He has not bonded until he has made a formal

commitment and made it public. He will then
do whatever he can to live up to that decision.

Think of sports. Have you ever heard of a man

to change the team he supports? When he’s
committed to a decision, he bonds to his team
and sticks with his team regardless. Even if his
team is losing, he doesn’t change sides.

In the next chapter, I will be sharing with you

exactly what guys want in a partner and
relationship.

62
SUMMARY

• Men aren’t anti-relationship or

commitment-phobes.
• Men don’t think about or plan for
commitment.
• Men see commitment as a responsibility.
• Men only think about commitment when
they have to.
• After “the chat”, he may need some time to
think.
• Either he’s in or he’s out, there is no in-
between.

63
HOW TO GET A MAN
SAYING “YES” TO
COMMITMENT

By reading this book, you’ve now got a good

idea of how a man’s brain works.

Men aren’t that complicated. The reason why

it’s so confusing is because men want
something completely different. It’s just a case
of reframing your approach to relationships.
This will get him wanting to commit, not
resisting commitment.

In this chapter, I’ll be sharing with you the five

most common criteria that will gets a man
saying “Yes” to commitment.

1. HE FEELS LIKE A WINNER

Men experience gratification and validation

from their ability to win. Their inner

64
monologue is often “Am I winning or losing?”.
If a man feels that his contribution is
meaningless, he will feel hopeless and
depressed.

He views the world based on whether he is

getting closer to, or further from, his goals. He
has a greater sense of happiness and self-esteem
if he feels he is accomplishing his goals. A
man’s need to win never ends.

There is also a flipside to this desire. If a man

feels he cannot “win” at a task, responsibility or
expectation, he will do whatever he can to
avoid it. This includes a relationship.

The worst feeling for anyone, especially for a

guy, is to feel like he isn’t good enough. If he's
corrected and critiqued constantly, he’ll forever
feel incompetent and rejected. He’ll feel as
though he’s not good enough, cannot control
his life and cannot fulfil his duties as a man.

65
When a man feels he is failing himself, and
you, it’s crippling. You’ll notice him shut down
and withdraw.

The relentless desire to win and avoid losing

drives men in a way that is hard to
comprehend. Of course, women don’t like to
lose either. But, imagine if winning made you
feel on top of the world, and losing made you
feel like your world was falling apart.

The reason is because a man’s identity is so

closely linked to his ability to achieve tasks.
When he’s doing well, he feels strong,
competent, confident and worthy. When he’s
failing, he feels weak, uncertain, worthless and
wants to isolate himself.

Men feel a tremendous pressure to succeed -

most of this comes from his own inner
monologue.

It’s simple. To get a guy a guy feeling good

about himself, make him feel like a winner.

66
Men live for praise, encouragement and
positive reinforcement. By showing an interest
in his mission and praising him for his efforts,
he’ll feel elated. This is because you’re giving
him validation for the thing that he values
most.

It shouldn’t just be big accomplishments that

garner praise. Celebrating his small daily wins
will give him the positive reinforcement he
needs. By doing this, you’re letting him know
that he is worthy.

Remember, a man is his own worst critic. He

desires someone who recognises his
accomplishments even when he doesn’t see it in
himself. Not only does this make him feel
great, it also shows that you believe in him and
want him to win. This is what deepens his
bond to you and makes him want to share the
journey.

This kind of relationship is the gold option we

discussed earlier. A woman who loves him,
encourages him and makes him feel like a

67
winner is what he has always dreamt of. This is
even more relevant if you can find ways to help
him win in life. Find ways to be his co-pilot on
his mission. Nothing gives a man more
strength than a woman who makes him feel
invincible.

He wants to feel like he can win at the role of

boyfriend, husband and father too. When he’s
succeeding at the relationship, his relationship
will be one of his life’s achievements. The way
to remove this resistance is to show that
winning in his relationship is easy. When he’s
winning, he will invest more into the
relationship.

2. HE FEELS VALUED

A man draws much of his self-worth from his

ability to provide value. He needs to feel useful,
as though he’s contributing towards the lives of
those around him.

68
Although not obvious, a man is pursuing his
goals to benefit his future relationship. He
knows that one day he will be a father and
husband, and he doesn’t want to be a bad
provider when that day comes.

I’m not advocating that we have to go back to a

time when men were the sole providers in the
financial sense. What I’m saying is that he
needs to feel as though he is providing value to
your life. This includes physically, emotionally,
sexually, intellectually and spiritually.

In most cases, his efforts go unappreciated by

himself and those around him. By recognising
his contribution, you will set yourself apart
from everyone else.

When you show appreciation for his efforts, it

makes him feel like a winner. Remember, men
move towards the feeling of winning and away
from the feeling of failure. By showing more
appreciation, he will feel great, and will want to
do more for you and the relationship.

69
However, this creates a challenge in many
relationships. The story goes as follows:

A man works lots of hours to get established.

He puts in the extra hours at work, and
sometimes brings his work home in the
evenings or weekends. His partner complains
that he works too much and doesn’t care about
her or the relationship.

He feels conflicted because in his mind he’s

doing it for the relationship. He’s working on
his mission, so he can become a better provider
in the future. This is his way of contributing.

It’s important to understand that there is no

wrong or right way to contribute towards a
relationship. It’s a simple case of recognising
and appreciating how we contribute in our
own unique way.

Here’s how to make a man feel valued:

70
• Compliment him on the things he values
most. Telling him he is kind, loyal,
considerate and caring feels nice. But
telling him how determined, hard-working
and disciplined he is will light him up.

• Show admiration for who he is. Saying “I

love you” feels good, but it doesn’t have the
same impact as “I admire the man you are”.
This is because you are showing that you
recognise his efforts and admire him for
who he is.

• Acknowledge the things that he does for

you that make you feel good. You can say
“I love it when you do X, as it really makes
me feel Y”. This encourages him to do
more to meet your needs.

• Ask him for his advice. Saying “I really

want to get your thoughts on X”. This
makes a man feel useful and lets him know
that you value his opinions and insights.

71
• Allow him to take the lead. This means
letting go of some decisions and giving him
autonomy in certain areas. This shows that
you trust and respect his judgement.

• Give him problems to solve. Men love to

feel useful, so give him responsibilities that
you know he’ll do well. This allows him to
come to your rescue and demonstrates that
he is useful in your life.

Men are like dogs when it comes to

appreciation. When a dog is well behaved, you
tell him he’s a good boy and give him a treat.
Men are exactly the same. When he feels
appreciated, admired, respected and useful,
he’ll work even harder to make you happy.
He'll also be more satisfied in the relationship.

Even when you’ve been together for years,

never stop showing appreciation. Men can’t get
enough of it. Nothing makes him happier than
when he knows he is doing a good job of being
your partner.

72
3. HE FEELS ACCEPTED

A combination of nature and nurture

encourage men to hold up a mask of strength
and resilience. However deep-down men often
feel incompetent and vulnerable. From a young
age, men are taught to avoid appearing weak at
all costs. So, men find it difficult to divulge
fears or express their self-doubt. Now you can
see why men find it so hard to communicate.

A big fear amongst men is that a woman will

not accept him for who he really is. He fears
that if he reveals his true self, she won’t like
what she sees. She will leave him, and this will
result in crippling rejection.

Your opinion of him becomes more important

than any other person. If you disapprove of
him and his mission, he will feel rejected and
redundant.

What men want is someone who accepts him

for the real him. Who he is right now,
emotionally, intellectually, physically and

73
spiritually. It gives him the validation that he is
enough, despite the fact that he isn’t where he
wants to be yet.

You got to understand, it takes time for a man

to open up emotionally. It isn’t not something
he does very often. As he opens up, you will
become his safe place. He will be able to show
you his vulnerabilities without fear of
disapproval. Showing this kind of acceptance
alleviates his long-standing fear of not being
good enough.

4. HE HAS SPACE

Men typically need more space in a

relationship, and there’s a reason for this.

Professor and author Deborah Tannen describe

the difference in men and women. Women
want more time together and men want more
time apart.

74
In other words, women want intimacy, and
men want independence.

The reason is a difference in values. As we

mentioned before, women typically put greater
value on the relationship than men. Men
typically put greater value on their mission.

In the early stages, a man loves the intimacy,

but as the emotions settle, you may notice him
needing more space. This is normal.

If a man feels physically and emotionally

suffocated, he will crave freedom. He needs
breathing room to work on his mission.
Remember, he is wired to perform and
produce.

Believe me, this is the number one objection

men have when starting a relationship. They
avoid relationships because they fear losing
their freedom or feeling suffocated.

75
So, give him that freedom. Leave him to his
own devices. A man will be much happier and
satisfied in the relationship when he has space.

This applies particularly when he’s

experiencing challenges. Give him some space
to figure things out. Allow him work it through
alone and let him know you’re available to talk
if he wants to. No doubt, he will re-emerge
later. It might seem counter-intuitive, but this
is how a man likes to be treated when he’s not
winning.

Now there is no perfect balance. A relationship

will always be a balancing act of closeness and
separateness. Yet, for a man to feel content, he
will need space, both emotionally and
physically.

76
5. HE LOVES YOUR COMPANY

This one’s simple - he loves your company.

Loving your company is the cherry on the cake.

Life can get pretty serious. When he spends his

day working and stressing about his mission, he
wants to be able to switch off and have fun.
Even though he’s going through his own
journey as a man, men rarely lose the big kid
within.

Make sure that you make time to have fun

together. After all, life is to be enjoyed.

SUMMARY

Here’s a bullet point list of what guys typically

want and do not want from a relationship:

77
WHAT GUYS WANT FROM A
RELATIONSHIP

• To feel like a winner.

• To have space to achieve his mission.
• To succeed at his mission.
• To succeed at the relationship.
• To feel appreciated for his efforts.
• To feel as though he is competent.
• To feel accepted for who he is.
• To have a safe space to open up.
• To be encouraged.
• To have a co-pilot along the way.
• To be working towards collective goals.
• To feel as though he’s enhancing your life
with skills and knowledge.
• To love spending time with you.

78
WHAT GUYS DON’T WANT FROM
A RELATIONSHIP

• To feel like a loser.

• To feel suffocated.
• To deal with drama.
• To fail at his mission.
• To fail at the relationship.
• To feel unappreciated for his efforts.
• To feel as if he is incompetent.
• To feel rejected.
• To share no combined goals.
• To feel as though he is useless and adds no
value to your life.

79
FINAL THOUGHTS

I hope you’ve gained an insight into how men

think about commitment.

Despite what you may have once thought, men

are open to commitment. In fact, most men
enjoy being in the right relationship. He wants
to be with a special someone whom he can
build an extraordinary and exciting future with.

Let’s go back to Sarah and Joe, to see what

could have been done differently.

Now, neither were doing anything wrong. It

was just a mismatch of needs. Sarah was happy
with Joe, which is great. Joe also thought Sarah
was incredible.

But the relationship was proving to be a

blockage for Joe. Unfortunately, Joe, being like
most men, struggled to articulate what he really
needed.

80
Joe should have told Sarah how integral his
career was to his sense of self. For Joe, it was
more than just a career. It was his identity. It
was place where he could feel like a winner.

He should have communicated that he needed

space in the relationship. And that he worried
that the relationship might prevent him from
reaching his goals.

Unfortunately, Sarah was in the dark. She was

unaware that he was having these concerns. She
was unaware that Joe was in The Prince stage,
and his mission was so vital.

If Sarah was aware of his needs and Joe had

been more open, things would have been
different.

If you’ve been in this situation, you can now

see that there is a workaround to this situation.

Guys can be terrible at communicating their

feelings. Next time you meet a guy you like,
assume that he’s going after his mission. Show

81
him that the relationship is not a liability, but
an asset.

Remember, his mission is the gateway to

commitment.

In the words of the best-selling author David

Deida “Because the man’s priority is his
mission, he will always gravitate to a woman
whom he feels will most support his mission”.

But this is not all about him and his needs.

To make a relationship succeed, it’s about

mutual understanding and compromise. First
understand what you both want out of a
relationship.

When you understand each other, you must

both do what you can to make one another
happy and fulfilled.

This involves compromise and a willingness to

meet in the middle. This is what makes a
relationship work in the long-term.

82
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this book as
much as I’ve enjoyed writing it!

I wish you all the best in your future happy,

healthy and committed relationship.

Benjamin J

Ps. now you’ve got the inside scoop on why

men don’t commit. I’m going to ask you a
favour.

If you could send this link to 5 friends who

need this book most. This means your friends
get their FREE copy too.

www.whymendontcommit.com

83