Volume : 5

Issue : 75
E Mail : nandmana@sltnet.lk
www.humanrightsofficekandy.org

The widows of Kilinochchi district, who lost their husbands

during the war and have being internally displaced, have not
had an opportunity to find closure after their husbands’
disappearance. To this end, a three day workshop on
“Healing through Remembering” was held with 40 women-
headed widows of Valaippadu and Parappankandal in
Kilinochchi district in the North of Sri Lanka.

The workshop was held at Fatima Retreat House Lewella

from the 15th to 18th September 2014. The premise of the theme is that remembering is an
important part of social and
psychological healing in the
context of war and conflict.
It recognizes that as
individuals and
communities, we are and
live out our histories. In
other words, what we
remember is what we are.
Our challenge was not about the need to remember but rather how to find creative ways of
remembering that enable us as two ethnic groups to go forward as a one nation.
One of the creative ways of healing which we adopted was making a memory book that collects
good, positive and lasting memories of incidents, words or gestures that keep memories alive. In a
relaxed mood and safe space, the women worked
individually in the group. They were tasked to
select the most meaningful and appropriate
photos, verses, and memorabilia which would
capture their memories of their loved ones. The
second task was to arrange the artifacts
creatively. The women were then asked to write
poems and stories that would portray the close
and intimate relationship they had with their lost
ones.

Loosing someone you love or care deeply about is

painful. But the grief of these widows may
potentially be complicated by the circumstances
surrounding the loss of their husbands. Their grief is
being stuck in a state of mourning. During the war
in the process of being internally displaced, losing
everything they had and to find that that their
loved ones are lost or disappeared while attempting to save the lives of their children is more
intense and deeply painful. The workshop enabled them ‘tell and retell their stories. They were
given support to grief and mourn.

The funeral-like setting within a prayerful

atmosphere gave the widows an opportunity
to say “good bye” to their loved ones. It was
a heart-breaking moment to break the
emotional attachments and letting go of their
loved ones. The letting go of the emotional
attachments was carried away with the fire
and the smoke that went up to heaven.
Widowed persons feels isolated, usually believing no one really understands how he or she feels
and she is reluctant to move with people. In the process it was the time to restore the dignity of
widows to reinforce a sense of wholeness and purpose in life to move in the society. As a sign of
their new life movement in society. They made necklaces with multicolored beads, and wearing
them they danced and celebrated their dignity.
The ceremonial handing over of the memory book by one another with a blessing and a hope of
the future gave birth to a new relationship with her lost ones and a new spirit to the participants.
Ultimately they realized that “One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but
it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.”

By the end of three days, the whole group became intimate friends. They sang and danced
together. It was a rich experience for both Sinhalese and Tamil widows where they experienced
that they could live together despite their ethnic differences. “A widow is a fascinating being with
the flavor of maturity, the spice of experience, the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced
coquetry, and the halo of one man's approval.”