WEBVTT

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[CAR HORNS HONKING]

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There's nothing to tell.
It's just some guy I work with.

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Come on.
You're going out with a guy.

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There's gotta be something
wrong with him.

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So does he have a hump
and a hair piece?

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Wait. Does he eat chalk?

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I don't want her to go through
what I went through with Carl. Oh.

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Okay, everybody relax.
This is not even a date.

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It's just two people going out
to dinner and not having sex.

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Sounds like a date to me.

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I'm back in high school,
in the middle of the cafeteria...

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...and I realize I'm totally naked.

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- Oh, yeah.
- I've had that dream.

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Then I look down and I realize
there is a phone...

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...there.

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- Instead of...
- That's right!

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MONICA: That one, I've never had.
PHOEBE: No.

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All of a sudden,
the phone starts to ring.

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And it turns out it's my mother.

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Which is very, very weird
because she never calls me.

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Hi.

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This guy says "hello,"
I wanna kill myself.

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Are you okay, sweetie?

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I feel like someone grabbed my small
intestine, pulled it out of my mouth...

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...and tied it around my neck.
- Cookie?

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Carol moved her stuff out today.

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PHOEBE & JOEY:
Oh.

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- Let me get you some coffee.
- Thanks.

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Ew. Unh.

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No. No, don't!
Stop cleansing my aura.

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Just leave my aura alone, okay?

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I'll be fine. All right? Really.
I hope she'll be very happy.
00:02:34.821 --> 00:02:36.155
- No, you don't.
- No, I don't.

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To hell with her. She left me!

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And you never knew she was a lesbian.

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No! Okay?

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Why does everyone
keep fixating on that?

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She didn't know. How should I know?

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Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.

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Did I say that out loud?

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All right, Ross. Look, you're feeling
a lot of pain right now.

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You're angry. You're hurting.

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Can I tell you what the answer is?

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Strip joints!

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Come on, you're single.
Have some hormones.

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See, but I don't want
to be single, okay?

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I just wanna be married again.

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And I just want a million dollars!

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Rachel?

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Oh, God, Monica! Hi! Thank God!
00:03:38.343 --> 00:03:41.511
I went to your building and
this guy with a hammer said...

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...that you might be here, and you are.

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- Can I get you some coffee?
- Decaf.

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Okay, everybody, this is Rachel,
another Lincoln High survivor.

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This is everybody.
This is Chandler and Phoebe...

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...and Joey. And remember
my brother, Ross?

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- Sure!
- Hey.

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- Hi.
- Oh, God.

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[SIGHS]

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So you wanna tell us now, or are we
waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

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Oh, God! Well, it started about
a half-hour before the wedding.

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I was in this room
with all the presents...

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...and I was looking
at this gravy boat.

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This really gorgeous
Limoges gravy boat.

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When all of a sudden...
Sweet 'N Low?
00:04:29.727 --> 00:04:31.853
- I realized...

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...I was more turned on by
this gravy boat than by Barry.

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Then I got really freaked out,
and that's when it hit me:

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How much Barry looks
like Mr. Potato Head.

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You know, I mean, I always knew
he looked familiar, but...

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Anyway, I just had to get out of there,
and I started wondering:

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"Why am I doing this?"
And "Who am I doing this for?"

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Anyway, I just didn't know where to go,
and I know you and I have drifted apart...

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...but you're the only person
I know in the city.

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Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

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Oh, I was kind of hoping that
wouldn't be an issue.

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[SPEAKING IN SPANISH
ON TV]

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I'm guessing he bought her
the big pipe organ...

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...and she's really not
happy about it.

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Daddy, I just... I can't marry him.

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I'm sorry.
00:05:33.499 --> 00:05:36.376
I just don't love him.

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Well, it matters to me.

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CHANDLER:
She should not be wearing those pants.

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I say push her down the stairs.

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ALL: Push her down the stairs!
Push her down the stairs!

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[ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD]

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Come on, Daddy, listen to me!

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It's like all of my life, everyone's
always told me, "You're a shoe!

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You're a shoe! You're a shoe!
You're a shoe!"

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Then today I stopped and said,
"What if I don't wanna be a shoe?

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What if I wanna be a purse?
You know?

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Or a hat?"

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I don't want you to buy me a hat,
I am a hat.

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It's a metaphor, Daddy!

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You can see where he'd have trouble.

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Look, Daddy, it's my life.

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Well, maybe I'll just stay
here with Monica.
00:06:34.310 --> 00:06:36.812
I guess we've established
she's staying with Monica.

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Well, maybe that's my decision.

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Well, maybe I don't need your money.

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Wait! Wait! I said maybe!

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Okay. Just breathe, that's it.

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Just try to think of nice, calm things.

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[SINGING] Raindrops on roses
And whiskers on kittens

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Doorbells and sleigh bells
And something with mittens

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La la la something
With string

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I'm all better now.

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I helped.

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MONICA: Look, this is probably
for the best, you know?

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Independence. Taking control of your life.

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And, hey, if you need anything,
you can always come to Joey.

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Me and Chandler live right
across the hall. And he's away a lot.

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Joey, stop hitting on her.
It's her wedding day.

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What? Like there's a rule or something?
00:07:39.459 --> 00:07:40.584
[INTERCOM BUZZES]

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Please don't do that again.
It's a horrible sound.

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PAUL: Uh, it's Paul.
- Buzz him in.

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- Who's Paul?
- Paul, the wine guy, Paul?

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Maybe.

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Wait a minute. Your "not a real date"
is with Paul, the wine guy?

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- He finally asked you out?
- Yes.

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Ooh. This is a "Dear Diary" moment.

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Rach, wait, I can cancel.

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Please, no. Go, I'll be fine.

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Ross, are you okay?
I mean, do you want me to stay?

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That'd be good.

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- Really?
- No, go on! It's Paul, the wine guy.

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[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

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MONICA:
Hi, come in. Paul, this is...

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...everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.

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JOEY:
Paul, the wine guy.

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- Wine guy.
- I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

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- Okay. Sit down. Two seconds.
- Okay.

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[MOUTHING]

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Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes.
That can't be good.

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So, Rachel,
what are you up to tonight?

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Well, I was supposed to be headed
for Aruba on my honeymoon...

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...so, nothing.

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Right. You're not even
getting your honeymoon.

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God. No, no. Although, Aruba. Heh.
This time of year? Eh.

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Talk about your...

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...big lizards.

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Anyway, if you don't feel
like being alone tonight...

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...Joey and Chandler are
helping me with my furniture.

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Yes, and we're very excited about it.

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Actually, thanks, but I'm just gonna
hang out here tonight.

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- It's been a long day.
- Oh, sure. Okay. Sure.

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Hey, Pheebs, you wanna help?

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Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

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I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y
thing to the side things...

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...using a bunch of these
little worm guys.

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I have no bracket-y thing,
I see no worm guys whatsoever...

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...and I cannot feel my legs.

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What's this?

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I have no idea.

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- Done with the bookcase.
- All finished.

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This was Carol's favorite beer.

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She always drank it out of the can.
I should have known.

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Hey. Ross, let me ask you a question.

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She got the furniture,
the stereo, the good TV.

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What did you get?

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You guys.

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- Oh, God. Oh, my God.
- You got screwed.

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- Oh, my God.
- I know, I know. I'm such an idiot.

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I should've caught on when she went to
the dentist four and five times a week.

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I mean, how clean can teeth get?

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My brother's going through that.
He's such a mess.

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How did you get through it?

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He might try accidentally breaking
something valuable of hers.

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- Say her...
- Leg?

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Heh. That's one way of going through it,
yeah.

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Me, I went for the watch.

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- You actually broke her watch?
- Mm.

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Barry, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

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You probably think it's about making
love with your socks on, but it isn't.

00:11:01.702 --> 00:11:04.537

It isn't, it's about me. And I...

00:11:04.705 --> 00:11:06.706

[SIGHS]

00:11:11.587 --> 00:11:14.631

Hi. Machine cut me off again.
Anyway...

00:11:16.425 --> 00:11:20.512

You know what's scary? What if
there's only one woman for everybody?

00:11:20.721 --> 00:11:24.057

I mean, what if you get one
woman, and that's it?
00:11:24.225 --> 00:11:29.104
Unfortunately, in my case,
there was only one woman for her.

00:11:29.563 --> 00:11:32.816

What are you talking about?
One woman.

00:11:33.401 --> 00:11:37.028

That's like saying there's only
one flavor of ice cream for you.

00:11:37.196 --> 00:11:40.949

Let me tell you something, Ross.
There's lots of flavors out there.

00:11:41.117 --> 00:11:45.578

There's rocky road and cookie dough
and bing cherry vanilla.

00:11:46.205 --> 00:11:50.709

You can get them with jimmies
or nuts or whipped cream.

00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:53.628

This is the best thing that
ever happened to you.

00:11:53.796 --> 00:11:56.673

You got married. You were like, what, 8?

00:11:58.634 --> 00:12:02.637

Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon.

00:12:02.805 --> 00:12:05.348

I honestly don't know
if I'm hungry or horny.

00:12:05.808 --> 00:12:07.183

Then stay out of my freezer.

00:12:10.938 --> 00:12:14.357

Ever since she walked out on me, I...

00:12:14.692 --> 00:12:16.651

What? What?

00:12:16.819 --> 00:12:18.653

You wanna spell it out with noodles?

00:12:18.863 --> 00:12:22.449

No, it's more of a fifth date
kind of revelation.

00:12:23.242 --> 00:12:26.286

Oh, so there's gonna be a fifth date?

00:12:27.830 --> 00:12:29.497

Isn't there?

00:12:29.707 --> 00:12:31.875

Yeah, yeah. I think there is.

00:12:33.711 --> 00:12:35.420

What were you gonna say?

00:12:37.047 --> 00:12:39.174

Well... Er, uh...

00:12:40.342 --> 00:12:42.552

Ever since she left me, um...

00:12:43.679 --> 00:12:46.973

...I haven't been able to perform...

00:12:47.224 --> 00:12:48.433

...sexually.

00:12:51.312 --> 00:12:52.812

Oh, God! Oh, God! I am so...

00:12:53.022 --> 00:12:54.230

- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.

00:12:54.440 --> 00:12:57.859

Being spit on is probably
not what you need right now.

00:12:58.027 --> 00:12:59.736

Um...

00:13:00.112 --> 00:13:01.196

How long?

00:13:01.739 --> 00:13:02.822

Two years.

00:13:03.574 --> 00:13:05.283

Wow!

00:13:05.451 --> 00:13:08.411

I'm glad you smashed her watch.

00:13:10.372 --> 00:13:13.792

So you still think you might
want that fifth date?

00:13:16.796 --> 00:13:18.338

Yeah.

00:13:18.506 --> 00:13:20.340

Yeah, I do.

00:13:21.550 --> 00:13:24.886

I, Joanie, take you, Charles,
as my lawful husband.
00:13:25.221 --> 00:13:28.473
MINISTER: Do you take Joanie...?
- Oh! See.

00:13:28.641 --> 00:13:33.853

But Joanie loved Chachi.
That's the difference.

00:13:35.397 --> 00:13:36.773

"Grab a spoon."

00:13:37.107 --> 00:13:39.609

Do you know long it's been
since I grabbed a spoon?

00:13:40.110 --> 00:13:42.946

Do the words, "Billy, don't be
a hero," mean anything to you?

00:13:45.199 --> 00:13:49.702

You know, here's the thing.
Even if I could get it together enough...

00:13:49.870 --> 00:13:52.413

...to ask a woman out...

00:13:52.873 --> 00:13:55.291

...who am I gonna ask?

00:14:16.605 --> 00:14:17.981

Isn't this amazing?

00:14:18.148 --> 00:14:20.483

I mean, I have never made coffee
before in my life.

00:14:20.651 --> 00:14:23.152

- That is amazing.
- Congratulations.

00:14:23.362 --> 00:14:28.074

While you're on a roll, if you feel like you
gotta make a Western omelet or something...

00:14:30.995 --> 00:14:34.455

Although, actually I'm really
not that hungry this morning.

00:14:35.374 --> 00:14:36.708

- Good morning.
MONICA: Good morning.

00:14:36.876 --> 00:14:38.501

- Morning.
JOEY: Morning.

00:14:39.420 --> 00:14:41.588

- Morning.
JOEY: Morning, Paul.

00:14:41.755 --> 00:14:44.966

- Hello, Paul.
- Hi. Paul, is it?

00:14:49.096 --> 00:14:51.848

MONICA:
I had a really great time last night.

00:14:52.016 --> 00:14:53.892

PAUL:
Thank you. Thank you so much.

00:14:54.602 --> 00:14:57.478

- We'll talk later, okay?
- Yeah.

00:15:02.151 --> 00:15:03.985

Thank you.

00:15:09.825 --> 00:15:12.619

That wasn't a real date.

00:15:13.329 --> 00:15:16.164

What the hell do you do
on a real date?

00:15:17.041 --> 00:15:20.501

- Shut up and put my table back.
JOEY: Okay.

00:15:20.669 --> 00:15:22.545

All right, kids, I gotta get to work.

00:15:22.755 --> 00:15:28.259

If I don't input those numbers,
it doesn't make much of a difference.

00:15:31.305 --> 00:15:33.431

So, like, you guys all have jobs?

00:15:34.224 --> 00:15:35.892

Yeah, we all have jobs.

00:15:36.101 --> 00:15:38.728

See, that's how we buy stuff.

00:15:40.356 --> 00:15:41.648

Yeah, I'm an actor.

00:15:41.857 --> 00:15:44.067

Wow. Would I have seen you in anything?

00:15:44.276 --> 00:15:46.611

Oh, I doubt it. Mostly regional work.

00:15:46.820 --> 00:15:50.406

Unless you happened to catch the
Wee One's production of Pinocchio.

00:15:50.658 --> 00:15:53.201

"Look, Geppeto. I'm a real live boy."

00:15:56.038 --> 00:15:57.747

I will not take this abuse.

00:15:57.998 --> 00:15:59.916

You're right. I'm sorry.

00:16:00.334 --> 00:16:03.044

[SINGING] Once I was a wooden boy
A little wooden boy

00:16:07.132 --> 00:16:09.467

MONICA: So how are you doing today?
Did you sleep okay?

00:16:09.677 --> 00:16:13.012

Did you talk to Barry?
I can't stop smiling.

00:16:13.806 --> 00:16:17.684

I can see that. You look like you
slept with a hanger in your mouth.

00:16:22.940 --> 00:16:26.401

I know. He's just so...

00:16:26.568 --> 00:16:28.111

Remember you and Tony De Marco?

00:16:28.320 --> 00:16:32.323

- Oh, yeah.
- Well, it's like that. With feelings.

00:16:33.200 --> 00:16:34.867

Oh, wow, are you in trouble!

00:16:35.536 --> 00:16:39.330

Okay, okay. I am just going to get up,
go to work...

00:16:39.498 --> 00:16:42.208

...and not think about him all day.

00:16:42.376 --> 00:16:45.336

Or else I'm just gonna
get up and go to work.

00:16:45.504 --> 00:16:47.130

- Oh, wish me luck!
- What for?

00:16:47.339 --> 00:16:50.633

I'm gonna go get one
of those job things.
00:16:58.600 --> 00:17:01.227
- Hey, Monica.
- Hey, Franny. Welcome back.

00:17:01.395 --> 00:17:02.895

How was Florida?

00:17:03.063 --> 00:17:04.397

You had sex, didn't you?

00:17:06.275 --> 00:17:07.316

How do you do that?

00:17:08.444 --> 00:17:12.238

- So, who?
- You know Paul?

00:17:12.781 --> 00:17:14.365

Paul, the wine guy?

00:17:14.533 --> 00:17:16.117

Oh, yeah, I know Paul.

00:17:18.662 --> 00:17:21.164

You mean, you know Paul
like I know Paul?

00:17:21.373 --> 00:17:23.666

Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul.

00:17:23.834 --> 00:17:27.962

Before me, there was no snap
in his turtle for two years.

00:17:31.216 --> 00:17:33.760

Of course it was a line.

00:17:34.178 --> 00:17:36.846

Why? Why would anybody
do something like that?

00:17:37.056 --> 00:17:40.308

We're looking for an answer
more sophisticated than:

00:17:40.476 --> 00:17:42.393

"To get you into bed."

00:17:43.353 --> 00:17:45.021

Is it me?

00:17:45.189 --> 00:17:48.733

Is it like I have some sort of
beacon that only dogs...

00:17:48.901 --> 00:17:51.527

...and men with severe emotional
problems can hear?
00:17:51.737 --> 00:17:53.654
All right, come here. Give me your feet.

00:18:01.163 --> 00:18:02.997

I just thought he was nice, you know?

00:18:05.876 --> 00:18:08.336

I can't believe you
didn't know it was a line.

00:18:13.217 --> 00:18:14.258

Guess what.

00:18:14.426 --> 00:18:16.219

- You got a job?
- Are you kidding?

00:18:16.386 --> 00:18:18.054

I'm trained for nothing.

00:18:19.890 --> 00:18:21.933

I was laughed out of 12 interviews today.

00:18:22.101 --> 00:18:23.643

Yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

00:18:23.852 --> 00:18:27.355

Well, you would be too if you found
Joan and David boots on sale...

00:18:27.523 --> 00:18:29.273

...50 percent off.

00:18:29.483 --> 00:18:31.275

Oh, how well you know me.

00:18:32.945 --> 00:18:35.363

They're my new "I don't need
a job or my parents.

00:18:35.614 --> 00:18:37.782

I've got great boots" boots.

00:18:39.159 --> 00:18:41.369

- How'd you pay for them?
- Uh, credit card.

00:18:41.912 --> 00:18:43.579

And who pays for that?

00:18:44.248 --> 00:18:46.332

Um, my father.

00:18:48.919 --> 00:18:51.087

You can't live off your parents
your whole life.

00:18:51.296 --> 00:18:54.966

I know that. That's why
I was getting married.

00:18:55.342 --> 00:18:58.344

Give her a break. It's hard being
on your own for the first time.

00:18:58.512 --> 00:19:00.012

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

00:19:00.180 --> 00:19:02.890

I remember when I first came
to this city, I was 14.

00:19:03.058 --> 00:19:05.935

My mom had killed herself
and my stepdad was back in prison.

00:19:06.103 --> 00:19:08.146

And I got here,
and I didn't know anybody.

00:19:08.313 --> 00:19:11.691

I ended up living with this albino
guy who was cleaning windshields...

00:19:11.859 --> 00:19:15.653

...outside Port Authority.
And then he killed himself.

00:19:16.405 --> 00:19:20.241

And then I found aromatherapy.
So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

00:19:24.371 --> 00:19:27.123

The word you're looking for is:

00:19:27.708 --> 00:19:28.958

"Anyway..."

00:19:33.130 --> 00:19:34.255

All right. You ready?

00:19:34.423 --> 00:19:36.132

- I don't think so.
ROSS: Oh, come on.

00:19:36.466 --> 00:19:37.884

Cut. Cut.

00:19:38.093 --> 00:19:41.053

ALL:
Cut, cut, cut.

00:19:42.681 --> 00:19:45.600

ROSS: Hey.
MONICA: All right.

00:19:45.851 --> 00:19:47.560

Welcome to the real world.

00:19:47.769 --> 00:19:50.521

It sucks. You're gonna love it.

00:19:51.398 --> 00:19:53.482

[FRANCIS SCOTT KEY'S "STAR-SPANGLED
BANNER" PLAYS ON TV]

00:19:57.446 --> 00:20:00.781

Well, that's it.
You gonna crash on the couch?

00:20:00.991 --> 00:20:04.327

- No. No, I gotta go home sometime.
- Are you gonna be okay?

00:20:04.494 --> 00:20:05.995

Yeah.

00:20:07.039 --> 00:20:08.915

Look what I just found on the floor.

00:20:11.210 --> 00:20:12.460

What?

00:20:12.920 --> 00:20:14.420

That's Paul's watch.

00:20:14.588 --> 00:20:16.672

You can just put it back
where you found it.

00:20:18.300 --> 00:20:21.761

Oh, boy. All right.
Good night, everybody.

00:20:21.929 --> 00:20:22.970

ROSS & RACHEL:
Good night.

00:20:23.138 --> 00:20:25.056

[WATCH CRACKS]

00:20:28.936 --> 00:20:30.353

[DOOR CLOSES]

00:20:31.480 --> 00:20:33.147

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

00:20:34.274 --> 00:20:35.524

- Oh, sorry.
- No. Oh, no. Go.

00:20:35.692 --> 00:20:37.652

- No, have it, really.
- Split it?
00:20:37.819 --> 00:20:39.820
- Okay.
- Okay.

00:20:41.740 --> 00:20:42.782

Thanks.

00:20:43.492 --> 00:20:47.078

You probably didn't know this,
but back in high school I had...

00:20:47.246 --> 00:20:49.080

...a major crush on you.

00:20:50.540 --> 00:20:51.707

I knew.

00:20:52.084 --> 00:20:54.335

You did? Oh.

00:20:55.128 --> 00:20:58.130

I figured you thought I was
Monica's geeky older brother.

00:20:58.882 --> 00:21:00.883

- I did.
- Oh.

00:21:05.514 --> 00:21:07.348

Listen, do you think...

00:21:07.516 --> 00:21:11.018

And try not to let my vulnerability
become any kind of a factor here.

00:21:13.105 --> 00:21:16.983

Do you think it would be okay if
I ask you out sometime, maybe?

00:21:18.235 --> 00:21:20.069

Yeah.

00:21:20.529 --> 00:21:21.821

Maybe.

00:21:22.823 --> 00:21:24.657

Okay.

00:21:29.413 --> 00:21:31.872

Okay, maybe I will.

00:21:34.209 --> 00:21:35.668

[RACHEL CHUCKLES]

00:21:35.836 --> 00:21:37.962

- Good night.
- Good night.

00:21:40.966 --> 00:21:42.967

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

00:21:48.432 --> 00:21:50.433

[DOOR OPENS]

00:21:51.518 --> 00:21:53.227

See you.

00:21:53.729 --> 00:21:54.770

ROSS:
Mm-hm.

00:21:54.938 --> 00:21:57.356

Wait, wait. Hey, what's with you?

00:21:59.651 --> 00:22:02.320

I just grabbed a spoon.

00:22:10.495 --> 00:22:11.954

Can't believe what I'm hearing.

00:22:12.205 --> 00:22:13.873

[SINGING] I can't believe
What I'm hearing here

00:22:14.041 --> 00:22:16.250

- What? I said you had...
- What? I said you had...

00:22:17.294 --> 00:22:19.754

- Would you stop?
- Oh, was I doing it again?

00:22:19.963 --> 00:22:21.797

ALL:
Yes.

00:22:22.841 --> 00:22:24.842

WOMAN:
Would anybody like more coffee?

00:22:26.720 --> 00:22:29.180

Did you make it or are you just serving it?

00:22:29.348 --> 00:22:32.641

- I'm just serving it.
CHANDLER: I'll have a cup of coffee.

00:22:33.101 --> 00:22:34.352

Kids, new dream.

00:22:35.103 --> 00:22:38.439

I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minnelli.