So those were three topics that I really enjoyed!

Other interesting topics discussed were:

 Marriage as a Path to Wholeness

 Self-Esteem

 Maturity for Marriage

 Authentic Love

 Genogram

 Family Planning and Responsible Parenthood

 Sensuality, Sexuality and Spirituality

 Marriage as a Social Sacrament

Simone de Beauvoir spent more time talking about inauthentic love than authentic. But that is because
she thought authentic love is so hard to achieve.

From the vantage point of 2017, aspects of Beauvoir’s view of authentic love look rather dated and
pessimistic: for one thing, it presents men and women in binary terms that are unlikely to resound with
many readers. Today’s women have greater access to education and employment than women did in
1949, and may be less likely to see love as life, as Beauvoir charged, instead of a part of life. Although
structural inequality persists, relationships between men and women – or men and men, or women and
women, etc. – theoretically have better chances of proceeding on an equal footing.

But nevertheless many cultural portrayals of love (from Puccini to pop) continue to depict it as a game
between unequals – as conquest or domination, seduction or entrapment – where the boundaries are
drawn along distinctly gendered lines. Such dynamics, on Beauvoir’s view, make authenticity in love
impossible – but why?

What Love Meant for Men versus Women

In her watershed feminist book The Second Sex Beauvoir wrote that the word ‘love’ has different
meanings for men and women – and that these differences are responsible for many of the
disagreements between them. Byron hit the nail on the head, she thought, by saying that for men love is
an occupation in life while for women it is life itself.

Writing in 1949, Beauvoir believed that men remained ‘sovereign subjects’ in love – that they valued
their beloved women alongside other pursuits, as an integral part – but only a part – of their whole life.
By contrast, for women love was expected to become their whole life: ‘total abdication for the benefit of
a master’ (SS 699).

This may sound an alien note in twenty-first century ears. But in Beauvoir’s time she saw many
assumptions (implicit and explicit) that for women love involved forgetting themselves as people in their
own right. The Second Sex  cites several supposed sages’ advice for women, including this example from
Cécile Sauvage: ‘When the woman loves, she must forget her own personality. This is a law of nature. A
woman does not exist without a master.’ (SS 700)

On Beauvoir’s view, laws of nature had nothing to do with it: the issue was laws of culture. Men were
raised to expect to be active in the world – to love but also to be ambitious and to act in other domains.
Women, however, were taught that their value was conditional – that they needed to be loved by a man
to have worth. ‘The young girl has dreamed of herself as seen through the man’s eyes: it is in man’s eyes
that the woman believes she has at last found herself’ (SS 703).

One of the barriers to achieving authentic love was that women therefore objectify themselves,
attempting to identify with their beloved men. The woman in love tries to see through her beloved’s
eyes, shaping her world and her self around him: she reads his preferred reading, interests herself in the
art and music he likes, in his ideas, his friends, his politics, etc. Sexually, too, Beauvoir objected that
many women are used as ‘instruments’ for male pleasure rather than as sexual subjects whose desires
and pleasure were also taken into account.

__

"Authenticity in love...involves both parties recognizing that their beloved is free, and appreciating
him- or her-self as a subject – as a person in his or her own right."
___

The problem with the dominant paradigms of love was that they were  not reciprocal. Men expected
women to give themselves in love in ways that were not mutual. Consequently, love was dangerous for
women in ways that it was not dangerous for men. She did not lay the blame for this exclusively at the
feet of men. Women, too, perpetuated the oppressive structures of non-reciprocal love through
participating in it. But it was hard not to, Beauvoir wrote, because the world was structured in a way
that enticed them to consent to their own oppression.

Beauvoir thought authenticity was possible in relationships that were reciprocal – and hoped it would
become more widespread. ‘The day when it will be possible for the woman to love in her strength and
not in her weakness, not to escape from herself but to find herself, not out of resignation but to affirm
herself, love will become for her as for man the source of life and not a mortal danger.’ (SS 724–5)
Authenticity in love, in her view, involves both parties recognizing that their beloved is free, and
appreciating him- or her-self as a subject – as a person in his or her own right. When two free people
appreciate themselves independently and agree about what it means to love each other, they love
authentically: they can create meaning together as a couple in reciprocal love.

But until that time – as long as women are encouraged to be devoted to others at the expense of their
own persons – Beauvoir predicted that ideals of love would perpetuate injustice. Love promised
salvation, Beauvoir said, but all too often what women got in the name of love was a living hell.

Did Beauvoir practice what she preached?

Beauvoir’s life itself raises interesting questions about her philosophy of love. Although Beauvoir might
have resisted the term ‘polyamorous’ (since, for existentialist philosophers, some self-definitions of this
kind constituted bad faith), her relationship with the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre is well known for its
non-exclusivity. As students they pledged to each other that their love was ‘necessary’ but that having
other ‘contingent’ loves did not challenge their primacy in each other’s lives. Respecting each other’s
freedom, for Beauvoir and Sartre, involved the freedom to pursue relationships with others.

One of Beauvoir’s better-known affairs was with the American novelist Nelson Algren, someone whom
she described with appreciation as both friend and lover. At first their relationship seems to have
embodied her ideal of reciprocity: love was to be about sharing individual lives, rather than one person
being all-consuming and another all-consumed. But in the end they disagreed about what love required
and ceased to be able to envision a joint future.

To clarify, for Beauvoir, sharing the same definition of love was a requirement to meet her criterion of
reciprocal love. So she doesn’t object to non-polyamorous love as less authentic in itself. What matters,
whether you’re a single-lover person or a multiple-lover person, is that your love is reciprocal.

As an existentialist, Beauvoir was committed to the view that human beings’ ‘existence precedes
essence’ (to borrow Sartre’s words). As free subjects, we decide what to make of our lives and who we
are is defined by our actions. In reciprocal love our projects for the future can become joint projects. But
this is precisely why authentic love is so hard to achieve: because in addition to the challenge of finding
it, love can easily cease to be reciprocal. Authenticity is not a status to be achieved, but a project – a
joint project – to be pursued.

Simone de Beauvoir ay gumugol ng mas maraming oras sa pakikipag-usap tungkol sa hindi tunay na
pagmamahal kaysa sa tunay na pag-ibig kaysa sa tunay. Ngunit iyon ay dahil sa akala niya ang tunay
na pagmamahal ay napakahirap makamtan. Mula sa vantage point ng 2017, ang mga aspeto ng
pananaw ni Beauvouvo ng tunay na pag-ibig hitsura sa halip na may petsa at pesimistic: para sa
isang bagay, ito ay nagpapakita ng mga lalaki at babae sa binary tuntunin na malamang na hindi
tunog sa maraming mga mambabasa. Ang kababaihan ngayon ay may mas malaking access sa
edukasyon at trabaho kaysa kababaihan noong 1949, at maaaring mas malamang na hindi makita
ang pagmamahal bilang buhay, tulad ng inutusan ni Beauvoir, sa halip na isang bahagi ng buhay.
Kahit na ang mga istruktura hindi pagkakapantay-pantay ay patuloy, relasyon sa pagitan ng
kalalakihan at kababaihan – o kalalakihan at kababaihan, atbp – ang teoretikal na magkaroon ng mas
mahusay na pagkakataon ng paglilitis sa isang pantay na footing. Ngunit gayunpaman maraming
mga kultural na paglalarawan ng pag-ibig (mula sa Puccini hanggang pop) ay patuloy na ilarawan ito
bilang isang laro sa pagitan ng mga unequal – bilang pananakop o dominasyon, seduction o
entrapment – kung saan ang mga hangganan ay ginagamit kasama ng malinaw na kasarian linya.
Tulad dinamika, sa view ng Beauvoir, gumawa ng pagiging tunay sa pag-ibig imposible – ngunit
bakit? Ano ang Kahulugan ng Pagmamahal para sa kalalakihan laban sa Kababaihan Sa kanyang
watershed feminist book Ang Ikalawang Sex Beauvoir isinulat na ang salitang 'pag-ibig' ay may iba't-
ibang kahulugan para sa kalalakihan at kababaihan – at na ang mga pagkakaiba na ito ay
responsable para sa marami sa mga hindi pagkakatugma sa pagitan nila. Tinamaan niRon ang pako
sa ulo, naisip niya, sa pagsasabing ang pagmamahal ng kalalakihan ay isang trabaho sa buhay
habang ang kababaihan mismo ay buhay mismo. Pagsulat noong 1949, naniniwala si Beauvouvo na
ang kalalakihan ay nanatiling 'soberanya' sa pag-ibig – na pinahahalagahan nila ang kanilang
pinakamamahal na kababaihan bukod pa sa iba pang mga pagtugis, bilang isang mahalagang
bahagi – ngunit lamang ng isang bahagi – ng kanilang buong buhay. Sa kabilang banda, para sa
kababaihan pag-ibig ay inaasahang maging kanilang buong buhay: 'kabuuang adiksyon para sa
kapakinabangan ng isang panginoon' (SS 699). Ito ay maaaring tunog ng isang dayuhan nota sa
dalawampu't-unang siglo tainga. Ngunit noong panahon ni Beauvouvo nakita niya ang maraming
asumpsiyon (di-inaasahan at paliwanag) na para sa kababaihang gustung-gusto niyang kalimutan
ang kanilang sarili bilang mga tao sa kanilang sariling karapatan. Ang Ikalawang Sex cites ilang mga
sages' payo para sa mga kababaihan, kabilang ang halimbawang ito mula sa Cécile Sauvage: 'Kapag
ang babae loves, dapat niyang kalimutan ang kanyang sariling pagkatao. Ito ay batas ng kalikasan.
Ang isang babae ay hindi umiiral nang walang panginoon.' (SS 700) Sa pananaw ni Beauvoir, walang
kinalaman ang mga batas ng kalikasan: ang isyu ay mga batas ng kultura. Lalaki ay itinaas upang
asahan na maging aktibo sa mundo – upang mahalin ngunit din upang maging mapag-adhika at
kumilos sa iba pang mga domain. Gayunman, itinuro sa mga kababaihan na ang kanilang halaga ay
kondisyon – na kailangan nilang mahalin ng isang tao na magkaroon ng halaga. 'Pinangarap ng
batang babae ang kanyang sarili na nakikita sa paningin ng lalaki: nakatuon ito sa paningin ng lalaki
na naniniwala ang babae na natagpuan niya ang kanyang sarili' (SS 703). Isa sa mga hadlang sa
pagkamit ng tunay na pagmamahal ay na ang kababaihan samakatuwid ay tumutol sa kanilang sarili,
nagtatangkang tukuyin ang kanilang pinakamamahal na kalalakihan. Sinisikap ng babaeng mahalin
na makita sa pamamagitan ng mga mata ng kanyang pinakamamahal, hinuhubog ang kanyang
mundo at ang kanyang sarili sa kanyang paligid: binabasa niya ang kanyang ginustong pagbabasa,
interes

Since seeking a partner is a natural part of the human experience, it makes sense
to focus on love. It is one thing to play the game by yourself, but when you add a
partner, learning opportunities multiply exponentially. With a partner in the equation,
one and one equal three: your own experience, your partner's, and the experiences
shared by the two of you. Entering the arena of love provides you and your partner with
an entirely
new set of lessons. Lessons that can greatly enhance both of your lives. 

Intimacy is a process in which two people pursue their own personal growth within the
context of their relationship. Throughout the past 40 years, I have led workshops and
facilitated couples in search of authentic relationships, those based on honesty, respect,
communication and a deep level of connection. I have assisted couples in defining their
purpose, expectations, visions, values and their willingness to go beyond two separate "I"
entities and intentionally creating a joint "we" reality. From this I have witnessed unions
being formed, formalized and committed.
I have noticed how deeply both men and women long to share their lives … and how
much effort, patience, and fortitude is required to make authentic relationships work. All
these experiences, combined with my own life lessons, have taught me that love itself is
natural and actually fairly easy; it is relating that presents the challenge.

Authentic love requires that you go deeper than the thrill of infatuation, beyond the rush
of chemistry, and sometimes that you transcend the expectations of family, friends, and
society. Authentic love requires that you discover and embrace your authentic self, and
from that essential self draw to you the person with whom you want to hold hands
and experience the adventure of life.

Authentic love is choosing your partner exactly as he is; it is putting your energy behind
your choice and causing the relationship to be magical, rather than searching for reasons
why it can't work. Love is supporting your partner in her choices, urging her to fulfill her
heart's desires and go for all of her dreams.

Authentic love is honoring your partner's truth and wanting the very best for him. It is
not controlling or possessing but rather respecting and trusting his unique path in life.
Love is the courage to tell the truth especially when you believe it is unspeakable.
Authentic love means knowing your boundaries and respecting those of your partner; it
means reaching out when you don't want to, communicating rather than assuming, and
asking questions rather than jumping to conclusions.

Authentic love means working things out rather than fighting, fighting rather than
leaving, and staying through the misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and disappointments,
knowing that through commitment all can be healed. It means staying when you want to
give up and honoring your commitment to work things out with the one you have
chosen.

Authentic love means focusing on what you appreciate and why you are grateful. It
means focusing on solutions rather than on problems. It means focusing attention on
your partner and letting her know each day how much you care. It means treasuring your
beloved and never taking her for granted. Authentic love means living without
judgments to create the safety to tell your truths. It means living each day with your
partner as if it were your last. It is the willingness to be yourself and live in harmony with
each other. 

What does an authentic relationship look like?

It looks and feels real. It thrives on honesty and shimmers with truth. An authentic
relationship flexes and bends with the fluctuating needs and changes of each partner
and gracefully weathers hardships. Both partners are committed to the growth and
evolution of both individuals in their respective life paths. Much like the diamond used
symbolically to represent the bond of matrimony, an authentic relationship sparkles with
brilliance and light while maintaining a solid and enduring core. It is the context in which
true love was meant to exist.

Dahil ang paghahanap ng isang kasosyo ay isang natural na bahagi ng karanasan ng tao,
makabuluhang magtuon sa pag-ibig. Ito ay isang bagay upang i-play ang laro sa pamamagitan ng
iyong sarili, ngunit kapag nagdagdag ka ng isang partner, pag-aaral ng mga pagkakataon na
multiply exponentially. Gamit ang isang kasosyo sa equation, isa at isa pantay-pantay: ang iyong
sariling karanasan, ang iyong partner, at ang mga karanasang ibinahagi ng dalawa sa iyo. Pagpasok
sa arena ng pag-ibig ay nagbibigay sa iyo at sa iyong partner sa isang ganap na bagong set ng mga
aralin. Ang mga aral na lubhang magpapaibayo sa inyong buhay.  Ang intimasiya ay isang proseso
kung saan dalawang tao ang nagtutulak sa sarili nilang pag-unlad sa konteksto ng kanilang relasyon.
Sa nakalipas na 40 taon, pinamunuan ko ang mga workshop at facilitated couples sa paghahanap ng
tunay na relasyon, mga batay sa katapatan, paggalang, komunikasyon at malalim na antas ng
koneksyon. Tinulungan ko ang mga mag-asawa sa pagtukoy sa kanilang layunin, inaasahan,
pangitain, pinahahalagahan at kahandaang higit pa sa dalawang magkahiwalay na entity at sadyang
paglikha ng isang kasukasuan ng "tayo" ay totoo. Mula rito nasaksihan ko ang mga unyon na
binubuo, pormal at tapat. Napansin ko kung gaano kalalim ang parehong kalalakihan at kababaihan
na mahaba upang ibahagi ang kanilang buhay ... at kung gaano kalaki ang pagsisikap, pagtitiyaga, at
kapalaran ay kailangan upang makagawa ng tunay na ugnayan. Lahat ng karanasang ito, kasama ang
sarili kong mga aralin sa buhay, ay nagturo sa akin na ang pagmamahal mismo ay likas at talagang
madali; ito ay may kaugnayan sa hamon. Ang tunay na pagmamahal ay nangangailangan na mas
malalim pa kayo kaysa sa kasiyahan ng impormal na katayuan, higit pa sa pagdurusa ng chemistry, at
kung minsan ay higit pa sa inaasahan ng pamilya, mga kaibigan, at lipunan. Tunay na pag-ibig ay
nangangailangan na matuklasan at tanggapin mo ang iyong tunay na sarili, at mula sa mahalagang
sarili gumuhit sa iyo ang taong nais mong hawakan ang mga kamay at maranasan ang
pakikipagsapalaran ng buhay. Tunay na pag-ibig ay pagpili ng iyong partner eksakto tulad ng siya
ay; ito ay paglalagay ng iyong enerhiya sa likod ng iyong pinili at nagiging sanhi ng relasyon na
maging mahiko, sa halip na maghanap para sa mga dahilan kung bakit hindi ito maaaring gumana.
Pag-ibig ay pagsuporta sa iyong partner sa kanyang mga pagpipilian, hinihimok siyang gampanan
ang mga hangarin ng kanyang puso at pumunta para sa lahat ng kanyang mga pangarap. Tunay na
pag-ibig ay paggalang sa katotohanan ng iyong partner at pagnanais ang pinakamahusay na para sa
kanya. Hindi ito pagkontrol o pag-aangat kundi paggalang at pagtitiwala sa kanyang natatanging
landas sa buhay. Pagmamahal ang lakas ng loob na sabihin ang katotohanan lalo na kapag
naniniwala ka na hindi ito masambit. Ang ibig sabihin ng tunay na pagmamahal ay malaman ang
inyong mga hangganan at iginagalang ang mga katuwang ninyo; nangangahulugan ito ng
pagtulong kapag ayaw mong tumulong, makipag-usap sa halip na ipalagay, at magtanong sa halip
na tumalon sa konklusyon. Ang ibig sabihin ng tunay na pagmamahal ay paggawa ng mga bagay-
bagay sa halip na makipaglaban, makipaglaban sa halip na umalis, at manatili sa maling
pagkaunawa, sakit, at kabiguan, batid na sa pamamagitan ng katapatan ang lahat ay gagaling. Ibig
sabihin nito ay manatili kapag gusto ninyong sumuko at igalang ang inyong pangako na gawin ang
mga bagay-bagay sa napili ninyo. Tunay na pag-ibig ay nangangahulugan na nakatuon sa kung ano
ang iyong ap