23 september 2022. I’m officially 25.

Actually I really didn’t expect anything like gifts, attention,

surprises or something magically that I never thought would happen to be happen that day. But,
when half of the things I mentioned above not happen, I do desperately ugly dissatisfaction. Why? I
do that for things I never expect. Probably I was that expecting, but did not admit it. Deep down I
pretty expecting probably. Even though my body refuse it, I mean I’m on my way of letting go. Like
quote said, “try to love the sound of your feet walk away from things not meant for you”.

When I said half of the things, actually I got memories that day. No surprises, just my friends hanging
out with me because it’s my birthday, and a cute gift from them. Tbh I,m happy and greatful for
them. They still here for me.

Probably the reason I feel shit on my 25 birthday, because of my ownself. I still being a shit to myself.
Feeling like a shit itself is a shit things that I still got in me, and that day probably my nerves expect
me to stop being like a shit and feeling like shit. Because 25 for me is like sweet 17 moment but in
adulthood. In this age, I’m pretty damn expecting something, that probably I’m having it but I still
feel like shit.

Why do I feel like shit? Now I’m pretty damn adult. It’s a common number to even be married but I
still feeling like far from it like damn, far for sure. I never be in any relationship, if I could, I wish I had
one at least one relationship. Even though that relationship is probably more shit than myself feeling
like a shit. That’s on my mind, but I believe God is Great. He keeps me all this time from shit fuck boy
out there. And tbh in my own faith, my religion, having a relationship is forbidden, I mean dating is
not good. But tbh I still feel worry about my fate in relationsip things, I was lack of things in this field.
I should’ve not worry a single thing actually if I really believe in Him. But I’m so sorry, my faith is ups
and down, and girl I’m living in modern world.So I just wish I could go trough this world with His
guidance.

Suddenly I think that I’m a bit lucky. At least I got crush. Even though this kind of crush that is
happening to me now is really crushing me bad. Like I cry mostly for about 6 years. I mean not being
a cry baby everyday, sometimes I forget about him too but I always coming back,like hufft. He was
more like my comfort zone? Idk I just feel comfort around him, even though we never get in touch
unless it’s friends gathering. That’s why I feel strange but comfy at the same time.

You know, by this writing I just realized that I’m lucky to have crush. I have someone to be hoping
on, I have someone to be waiting on, I have someone to be thinking on, I have someone to be rying
for and a feeling to sense a butterfly or hurt. I mean It’s a gift. But more like a dumb gift if we’re
being dumb towards the situation.

Tbh, I’m fuckin tired talkin about him in my every own space. Like he didn’t even care about me at
all. He’s living his life for best, I guess so, I hope so, good for him. But why I’m still being dump by
craving over unsure thing between us. Is there any word us for us? I always hope, there was, even
for once. Yes I’m greatful for him in my life. He gave me magical things that almost happens in my
life. I never regret anything. But I just deserve the same happiness and progress in my own life. I
don’t wanna feeling like shit infront of him, even if he don’t care at all.

If I knew being like shit is one of the shittest ever, I won’t do it to my self.God had created me well
damn perfect. My 25 yrs old me to me in 25 yrs old now, will say this : Please, You never know when
your time ends. Let go what’s not sure.

Fall again
Idontwannabeyouanymore

Im yours