GTE

My name is Zain; I live in Karachi, Pakistan. I am willing to pursue the Master of Commerce
(Actuarial Science) program at The University of Melbourne.
I have done my Bachelor of Commerce (Actuarial Studies) from the University of Melbourne,
Melbourne, Australia, and secured 84.5% WAM at Bachelor of Commerce at the University of
Melbourne.
You can connect paragraph 1 and 2 and create link because I want to continue to purse master’s
degree. Also add summary of “why the University of Melbourne paragraph”
Plus you can add the one line regarding course structure or maybe two
I have been involved in BCOM case competition, Global Microfinance Case Competition,
Community service at SWOT as providing education and assistance to underprivileged school
kids, Treasurer and Secretary of Hack Melbourne Club Mathematics Tutor, Education team
member at ASS, Education team member, and integral part of event organization at Melbourne
University Math and Stat Society (MUMS).
You can reduce the word counts from paragraph two and make it short. If you are finding less
space just remove this paragraph.
I want to study Actuarial Sciences because of its scope. I am willing to achieve an international
degree having reputable standards anywhere in the world. One of the reasons I am choosing this
field is its financial rewards and outcomes. Another big reason for choosing this field is that I
will for sure have a promising and rewarding future as the outcome of studying Actuarial
Sciences.
The highlighted part in yellow doesn’t make any sense to me even if you read.
The second highlighted part in blue is the repetition of the same thinking financial reward and
rewarding future. Maybe you can try to add some other information or try to use your own words
to write Reason for choosing Actuarial.
As Australia provides one of the most valued degrees globally and Pakistan also offers the
Actuarial Science course but just in 3 to 4 universities all over the country, with a not much-
valued degree is the reason I choose Australia. More the economic condition in Pakistan is
getting into shape gradually, and a worthy degree will assist me in creating massive opportunities
for myself and others in the future. But it will take some years to get till then I can experience the
value and requirement of the Actuarial Sciences field in Australia. The conditions in Australia
are far better than those in Pakistan. One more aspect was the level of the university, which
Pakistani universities are not able to deliver in comparison to Australian Universities.
Remove the highlighted part in blue you can say that I will be working or looking for job in
Australia.
Try to summarize all the 3 paragraph
 a) Why I did choose Australia and Melbourne?
b) After completion of master prospects in paksitan
c) Why not Pakistan
My parents will be the sponsor for my basic required expenses. They are financially very stable.
They know my expenses, and they can afford them. My expenses will include my overall
education fees, travelling, and living needs, and for my health issues, I have got the Overseas
Student Health Cover (OSHC).
I hope that I have conveyed all my thoughts. As a student, I will make sure that I follow all the
Australian laws that all citizens need to follow so that I will not burden the Australian
government or the citizens during my stay in your country.