E T I Q U ET T E

F O R

A LL O C C A S I O N S

By

M R S BU RT O N KI N GS LA N D
.

M a n ner: a re of m o re imp or ta n ce t b an

law s . Tae l a w tea r /y e: us bu t b ere an d

there ,
n ow an d M a nner: a re w hat
t b en .

v ex o r s oo tb e co rr u t o r u ri e xa l t or
p
, p f y ,

de ba te ba r ba ri z e o r refine u s by a co n
,

s ta n t s t e a dy u ni o rm in s en s ibl e o er at io n
, f, , p
l ike the a ir w e br ea t be BU R KE . .

N E W YO R K
D o u b l e d ay , P age an d C o m pa n y
1 01
9
 Copy r igh t , 1 9 01 ,
by

D O U BLEDA Y , P A G E 5g C O M P A N Y

UN I VE RSI T Y P RE SS JO HN WI LSON
AN D SON C A M B R I D G E, U. S A .
.
 C O N T EN T S

I N T R O D U CTO R Y . G OO D M A N N E R S A N D G OO D F O R M
C HA P T E R

I . I NT R O D U CTI O N S

II . S ALU TATI O N S

I II . I N V ITA TI O N S A N D A N N O UN C EME N T S
IV . WEDD I N G I N V ITA TI O N S A N D A N N O U N C E
M E NT S
V I S ITING C A R D C O N V E NT I O N S
-

T HE E TI Q U E TT E O P C A LLI N G

A F T E R N OO N T E A S

I N TR O D UC ING A D EB UTA N T E

LUNC H E O N S BR E A KF A S T S S U PPE R S
, ,

D IN N E R S

BALL S A N D D AN CES

C H A PE R O N S

E NGAG EME N TS
WEDD I NG P R EP ARATI O N S A N D P R EL I M I
N AR I ES
T HE D A Y O F T HE WEDD IN G

A T T H E O PE RA AN D T HE ATR E
M U S ICAL S T H E ATRI CA L S CA R D P A RTI ES
, ,
-

E NT E RTAIN I NG A HO U SE P ART Y
v

2 05 2 07 8
 C O NTENT S

T HE D UTI ES OF A G U ES T
O UT -
O F- D OO R E N T E RTAIN ME NT S

WO ME N S D R ESS
’

M E N S D R ESS AN D D EP O RT ME N T
’

C O N V E R S ATI O N

S O C IA L C O R R ESP O N DE N C E

T A B L E M AN N E R S

M A NN E R S IN P U BLI C U N CLA S S I F I ED

O CCA S I O N S

S P O RTI NG E TI Q U E TT E

C O U RT ES Y A N D G OO D M A N N E R S I N T H E

HO ME
C H IL D R E N S E TI Q U E TT E
’

T HE F A M IL Y T A BL E

C H R I S T E NING S

WEDD I N G A NNI VE R S A R I ES
F U N E R A LS

S E R V AN T S

S E R V A NT S D R ESS
’

HINT S O N F O R E IGN E TI Q U E TT E !E N G
LA N D)
! ! ! VI I . HINT S O N F O R E IGN E TI Q U E TT E CON

TI N U E D !F RANC E AN D GE R M A N Y ) 5 16
ET I Q U E T T E for

ALL O CCASI O N S
Pr a ce—A GE N ER A L W O R D A B O U T
e
f
GO O D MANN E RS AND GOOD FORM

N A m e ric an travelle r when o n c e

,

ralli ed u p o n the fact t h at th e re was

l
no aristoc racy i n h is c o u n try re ,

pli ed : Pardo n m e yo u fo rget

,

w om en !

It was gallantly said and characte risti c o f th e

,

ch ivalry th at h as always b ee n S O m arke d a trai t

o f A m e ri can m a n h oo d .

It i s th e s to ck rep roach a m o n g E u r o p ea n s to
wards u s th is lack of aristo c racy — which p o litely
b u t th in ly vei ls thei r co nvictio n th at we a re a
nati o n o f ri ch and pro s pe rou s p arvenu s . We
rese nt th e refl ectio n b ecau se i t s ee m s to i m ply the
l ack o f qu aliti es whi ch to o u r m i nd s th e w rd
5K
, ,

]
stands fo r . N ow we beli eve the o u tward 1
V i sible sign s o f aristo cracy are S hown i n p e rfect
b reed ing ch arm o f m anne r and u nfail i ng cou rtesy
, , ,

o f wh i c h the i nward grace i s a n i nsti nctive r e fi n e

m e nt th at i s n ot m erely a d ec o rative attrib u te .

Tru e aristo cracy d eri ves nothi n g fro m the pos

sessio n O i m o ney — wealth b u t makes i ll — b reed in g
m o re c o nsp icu o u s R ank an d station d o not c re
.

M s in c e there are p ersons who con si der that

I
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

thei r so ci al stand in g e ntitles the m to a co nd u ct

th at i s o ften wo u nd i ng to the feeli ngs o f othe rs ,

and i t i s not i n sep arable fro m anc i ent l i n eage '

I t i s s aid that the re are ol d fam ili es i n E n gl and

who h ave a well earn ed rep utati o n fo r p ossess i n g
-

th e wo rst m a nners i n t h e wo rld whic h p rou d d is ,

ti ncti on was s ati riz ed i n a b ri ght littl e soc i ety S kit

”
i n wh ic h “
my lady s ays to he r d aughte r
R u de ? O f co u rse we are rude my d e ar We , .

h ave be en ru de ever si nce th e C on qu est !

I t i s not gi ve n to every m an to b e wh at i n co m ,

”
m o n p arl ance i s c alled bo rn a ge ntle m an b ut “
, ,

i f h is bi rth b e n ot gentl e hi s man ne rs m ay m ake ,

hi m s o ; fo r he i s gentil says C h au ce r
“
wh o , ,
“

d oth ge nti l d e d is Habit i s second n atu re

. .

A F rench m an o f wid e travel an d expe ri ence

, ,

o nce sai d to an A m e rican : You r p ol i teness i n the

S tates i s not a fo rm b u t a fact With u s co u rtesy
, .
,

toward s wo me n h as always a pe rso nal ele m ent .

Y o u c an d o a wom an a servi c e witho u t looki n g at

”
her .

H e proceed ed to explai n fu rthe r

“
We h oweve r h ave the advantage o f a m o re
, ,

fixed eti qu ette that leaves o ne n eve r at a loss to

,

know th e p rop e r th i n g to b e d on e u n d e r give n

c i rcu m stan ces th at gives ease of m i n d and bear
,

i ng to the i nd ivid u al and elegance and grace to ,

”
soci ety at large .

e i s th e n a di sti nctio n between good m an

d go od fo rm The on e c om es fro m i nn ate
.

g oo d b reed i n g th e othe
, r m ay be ac qu i red by
 A GENERAL WORD

c arefu l s tu dy and close obse rvanc e o f the fo rm s

.

o f beh avi o r th at at the m o m ent are fash io n able

-
.

A s a m a n m ay be wi se witho u t lea rn i ng so h e ,

m ay be p olite w itho u t eti qu ette .

A t the ro ot of fi ne m an ne rs howeve r u su ally l ie

, ,

the ete rn al p ri nci ples O f ki nd ness a nd thou ghtful

ness ; and as so m e o n e has said altho u gh c ou rtesy
, ,

i s n o t C h risti anity i t i s a very goo d i m i tati o n o f

,

it si nce mo st o f th e rul es of etiqu ett e are b ased

,

u po n u ns e l fi s h n e s s an d the p rop e r regard fo r th e

,

feel i ngs o f othe r people .

We have all heard th e st o ry O f the F ren ch ki ng

wh o w as s o wel l b red th at when on e o f h is gu ests
d roppe d a p ri c eless wi n e glass i m m ed i ately as
-
, ,

th o u gh th ro u gh i nadvertence b roke o n e h i m self

, ,

to p ro ve th at s u ch a m i schanc e m igh t h appen to

any o ne and was o f n o sp ec i al co nse qu enc e Th e .

E n gl ish G eo rge the F ou rth d ri nki n g h i s tea from

,

th e s au c e r to rel i eve the emb arrass ment of a you n g

m ai d O f h o no r recently co m e to c ou rt who h ad
, ,

p rovoke d the sm i les of th e c omp any by a li ke

p rovi n c i al ism , i s another i nstanc e whe re co u rtesy
shows C h ri sti an i nsp i rati o n .

The c u sto m o f leaving a ca rd fo r every m embe r

o f a fam i ly whe n calli n g is d es i gned to give
, ,

assu ranc e th at eac h perso n h as been d i sti ngu is hed

i nd ivi d u ally i n o n e s t h o u ght We m ake c arefu l
’
.

toi lets i n vis iti ng and receivi n g o u r fri en ds to ,

d o them h onor .

We cal l p rom ptly u pon ou r hostess afte r an e n

te rtain m e n t to p rove o u rselves not u ngratefu l fo r
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

th e trou ble that sh e h as taken to give u s pl easu re .

We are expected to talk i n low well b red to nes t h at ,

-

’
we m ay n ot d istu rb o u r n ei ghbo r s t h o u g h t o r
co nversatio n A host h as th e fi rst d ro ps o f a
.

fresh bottle o f wi ne p ou red i nto h i s glass lest ,

a b it o f the cork m i ght by chanc e i nco m m od e

, ,

h i s gu est .

There i s a taci t u nde rstand i n g that we s h al l b e

agre eabl e to o n e anothe r always p utti n g the best
,

o n th e o utsi d e and keep in g o u r p rivate woes to

o u rs elves .

S t Pau l i n h i s S peeches and letters i s th e ve ry

.
, ,

m od el O f a gentlem an I n fact co u rtesy co nc i li a

.
, ,

tio n fo rbearanc e ki ndli ness whi ch are o f the ve ry

, , ,

n atu re an d esse nc e of politeness were stri ctly e u ,

j o i ne d by the fi rst teache rs o f C hristianity M an .

ners are m i no r m o rals The child ren are tau ght

.

To b e tru ly p o l i te is t o d o an d s ay
The k i n d es t th i ng in th e k i n d es t w ay .

I t has been fo u n d howeve r that th e vari ou s

, ,

pu rs u its and i nterests of soci ety m ove fo rward to

th e best fu lfil m ent of the i r seve ral pu rp oses an d
wo rk toget h e r m ost harmon i ou sly when g u i d ed
by certai n fi xe d ru les the willi ng obs e rvanc e o f
,

’
wh ic h establ ishes o ne s clai m to gentlehoo d i n
th e m i nd s of others and gives ease and c onfide nce
,

i n whateve r soci ety we fin d o u rselves .

Peopl e have agreed u pon certai n conventi ons

wh i ch have th ro u gh t h e ages grown i nto a cod e ,

a decalogu e o f go o d behavi o r .
 A GENERAL WORD

The re are c i rc u m stan ces wh e re eve n the golde n

ru l e wh i c h exh au sts m os t o f the re qu i re
ments of po liteness — fai ls u s A s a n i nstan ce
“

o f th is : A very yo u ng gi rl at h e r fi rst d anc e

was o ffe red a seat by h er p artne r d u ri n g o n e of th e
p antin g p au ses of a waltz whereu p o n she answe red
,

wi th i nsti nctive u n s e l fi s h nes s b u t wi th e nti re ign o

rance of eti qu ette O h I am not ti red ; y o u S it
, ,

down !
The conventional cond u ct know n as goo d
”
fo rm o r the lack of it b ri ngs u ne rri n g revelati o n
, ,

’
o f a perso n s so c i al ad vantages a nd p ositi on and ,

p ro clai m s h i m a p rovi nc i al o r a cos m op olitan .

A ma n who attem pts to co mb i n e th e attracti on s

”
o f wi n e and o f i c ed water by m aki n g th e so rbet
the acco m p an i m e n t to hi s enti re d in ne r o r o rd ers
,

a l arge c u p O f c offe e with m i lk at the co ncl u si o n

o f the m eal m ay be a mo re wo rthy m ember o f
,

so ci ety a fi ne r spe ci men o f m anh ood than the

, ,

gild ed yo uth o f fash i on able ci rcles b u t h e wou ld

,

not be regard ed as a m an o f refi nem ent h ard ly ,

as a gentle m an by the privile ged classes he re o r i n

,

E u ro pe .

The soc i al cod e h as bee n writte n an d revi ewed

as mu ch o r m o re p e rhaps th an any oth er c o d e o f
l aws i n th e wo rld The Wh i rli gi g of ti m e b ri n gs
.

abou t so m any changes th at what was o rth o d oxy

i n o ne age i s heterodoxy i n the next F o r ex .

ampl e twenty y ears ago the favo rite m an ner

, ,

o f a nnou nci n g an en gagem e nt i n N ew Yo rk was

fo r the happy c o u p le to b e see n arm i n a r m o n
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

s o m e fash i o nable tho rou ghfare o n S u nd ay afte r ,

ch u rch .

H o w vulga r ! H ow p rovi nci al ! e xclai m s the

p res ent generatio n Bu t wh at wo u ld they thi nk
.

o f the m anners o f o u r m o re re mote fo rbears when ,

as b ri de an d groom m aki n g th e i r fi rst app earance

i n chu rch th ey p ro u dly to ok th e m ost p ro m in e nt
,

s eats a nd i n th e m id dle o f the sermo n deli be rately

rose an d tu rned slowly aro u n d several ti m es to

d isplay th ei r wedd i n g fi ne ry fully and u nbl u sh
in gl y
. Th i s extraord i nary exhibiti o n i s vo u ched
fo r u p o n u ndisp u tably goo d au tho ri ty .

Th e wo rd etiqu ette m e ant O ri gi n ally a ti cket

o r tag a f fixed to a bag o r bu ndle to note i ts co n
tents F ro m thi s the wo rd passed to certai n c ard s
.

which d u ri ng the rei gn of the fou rtee nth L ou i s of

,

F rance we re give n by the C o u rt fu nctio nary to each

,

gu est u po n whi ch we re writte n the ch ie f ru l es O f

,

the co nd u ct to be O bse rved The wo rd h as b ee n.

prese rved — fo r lack O f a better — to exp ress th e

recogniz ed stand ard of behavi or amo n g pe rso ns
e ntitled to b e c onsi d e red i n goo d soc i ety Its .

”
modern E n gl ish e qu ivalent i s good fo rm The .

o ne exp ressi on i s as op en to the rep roach o f be in g

“
sl an g as the othe r .

O u r own s oc i al code i s p att erned la rgely afte r

th e u sages i n favo r am ong the E nglish u ppe r
c lasses altho u gh there are o ccasio n s u p o n wh ich
,

we are a l aw u nto o u rselve s The M oth er i sle .

-

s ets u s th e exam pl e but h avi n g reached ou r

, ,

m atu rity w e i n co m m o n with other grown u p

, ,

6
 A GENERAL WORD

ch i ld ren assu m e th e d i re cti o n o f o u r c o nd u ct

,

whe n we pl eas e .

D ani el Webster s ai d afte r a vi sit t o E n glan d

,

Th e rul e o f p ol iten e s s the re is to b e qu iet act ,

n atu rally take n o ai rs and m ake n o b u stle Th is

, ,
.

p e rfect b reed i n g h as cost a great deal o f d rill .

We h ave a m o n g o u rselves a large class o f qu i et

lad i es and gentle men wi th m i nd s b ro ad en ed by
,

travel a nd assoc i ati o n wi th c u l tu red p eopl e with ,

i n he rite d trad iti on s of good b re ed i n g a nd well

versed i n th e so c ial ethics of the O ld e r c ivi liz ati o ns .

TO the m we m ay defe r to the m s afely l o ok fo r

,

d i recti o n .

I t i s only th e ch i m ney co rne r phi losophe r wh o

-

sco rns and s nee rs at learn in g th e ru les o f eti q u ette .

I n th e ch an gefu l co ndi ti o ns o f o u r society .

whe re u ntram m elled by cl ass re s tri cti o n all m ay

, ,

m ake th ei r way to em i nenc e the re i s n eed o f ,

gu id anc e i n m atter s s ocial and fo rtu n ately a u n i

,

ve rsal r ecogni ti o n o f thei r i m po rtan ce M any al l .

,

ove r th e co u ntry are aski ng fo r d i r ectio n an d fo r

,

d efi nite laws o f c o nd uct to b e observe d acco rd i n g ,

to th e m ost recent decree s o f fashi on .

The re i s nothi n g d erogato ry to u s th at we are

n ot all co nve r s ant with the latest fo rm s o f c o nve n
t io n al ity O u r soci ety i s i n evol utio n bu t th e
.
,

anxiety to learn the often p ai n fu l d read of m ak

, ,

i n g a m istake i s reassu ri n g They are growi n g

, .

pa i n s
.

B o n ap arte to ok less ons of th e great acto r Talm a ,

how to co mpo rt h i m sel f i n hi s new di gnity and ,

ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O C CASIONS

h ad h i s co u rt d ri lled i n eti qu ette as h e d id h i s

army i n m i l itary tactics .

Whe n the gre at C atheri n e o f R u s si a gave recep

ti o ns to he r nob ility she was obli ged to p u b li sh
,

ce rtai n r u les of co n d u ct that wo u ld b e u n necessary

n ow wi th the m ost u ntau ght p easant G e ntle me n .

we re n ot to get d ru nk b efo re the fea s t was e nd ed ;

l ad i es w ere e nj oi ne d n ot to wi p e thei r m o u ths o n
th e table cloth ; an d n o b l e m e n were fo rb idd en to
’
-

strike thei r wives i n co m pany Th e c u ri o sity i s .

sti ll to b e m et with i n b o oks o n tab le talk a nd

,
-
,

th e e d i ct n o d o ubt wa s n eeded .

F o rm e rly the re was an eti qu ette o f war Th e .

F re nch m e n at F o ntenoy face to face with th ei r

,

E nglish O pp o nents , pol ite ly b ade th e m fi re

”
fi rst
. B u t these well m annered m e n o ppresse d
-

thei r peasants and i n p ri vate b roke all th e c o m

,

m an d m e n ts of cou rtesy w h i ch we revere .

Thi s d iscrep ancy b etwee n form and fact h as

b ro u ght d i sc red it u p o n th e subj ect o f p o li te o b
s e rv an c e s i n the m i nds o f so m e wh o s ay G ive , ,

”
u s truth before all thi ngs They say th at they
.

i nvolve a d egree o f dis s i mu lati o n that o ften im p l i

c ates u s i n p o sitive hyp ocrisy i n u nequ ivocal false
,

ho od that n on e sh ou l d j u stify They ask Why .

,
“

pal li ate u ntru ths becau se th ey see m a ki nd o f

soci al obli gatio n ?
Thi s i s a qu esti o n fo r social c asu i sts to d e
'

c id e
. N o thi nki n g p er s o n wo u ld u nd ervalu e
tru th bu t l ike all goo d thin gs i t m ay b e c arried
, , ,

D o excess .

8
 A GENERAL WORD

A ve ry am i abl e wo m an o nc e c alle d u po n a
’
fri en d wi th a new bo rn baby
-
I s n t sh e a p retty
baby ? asked th e d eli ghted m othe r A n affi rm a .

tive answer was given b ut the next d ay th e m othe r

,

re ce ived a n ote s ayi n g : O n refle cti on I h ave

“
,

c o ncl u ded th at I was not tru th fu l wh e n I sai d yo u r

baby was p retty I d o n ot thi nk her a p retty
.

’
baby b ut I do n t d ou bt th at sh e i s a goo d o ne
, ,
”
an d I ho p e m ay p rove a great j oy to yo u .

O n e c ann ot b u t feel th at i n th is i nstanc e T r u th

was wou nd ed i n th e h o u s e o f he r fri e nds Th e .

de ep e r tr u th o f ki nd nes s and symp athy th at fo r

’
the mo m ent s aw th e b aby th ro u gh i ts m other s
l ovi n g eyes was s ac ri ficed to th e su rface tru th that
app eared afte r co ol an d u nsym p atheti c refl ecti on .

We are n ot j u stified howeve r i n decl ari n g to a

, ,

fri en d th at we are bo red at an ente rtai n m ent and

are goi ng h om e an d i n the n ext b reath tell in g o u r
,

hostess that we are i ndebte d to h e r fo r a ve ry

deli ghtfu l eveni n g .

’
N o r m ay we say to o u r fri en d D on t i ntro d u ce
,

”
me to that c ad and the n ext m in ute whi le shak
,

i n g h is hand rep eat the fo rm u la H appy to m eet ,

“

yo u,
u nless o ne can s ay i t i n s u ch level p er
fu n c t o ry tones that conventi o n ality o wes noth i n g
to c o rd i al ity and yet i s satis fie d .

Pol iteness co ns ists i n rep ressi ng i ll n atu red co m -

m e nts i n th e first p lace n ot i n ass erti ng th e

,

co ntrary after w ard s .

There a re a few pe rs ons wh o are reb ell io u s abo u t

so me ru les o f eti q u ette whi ch s eem u seless fo r
9
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

th ose o f h i gh mo ral c alibre ; b u t a s oth e r l aws are

m ade fo r the m aj o rity s o a re those o f soc i al co n
,

ve n tio n ,e s p e c i ally fo r thos e who are p ro n e to

transgress .

U nd e r th e head o f s u ch fo rm s co m e th e ru l es
o f chap eronage and m o st i mpo rtant i t i s th at
,

al l yo u n g m e n and wo m e n sho u ld observe the

fo rmal ities o rd ai ned i n th ei r i nte rco u rs e with e ac h
,

oth er no m atte r how w el l fi tte d th ey m ay b e i n

,
-

p arti c u lar i nstances to take c are o f the m selves .

O n e i s co m pelled so meti mes to m ake p e rso n al

L
s g c rifi c e s fo r the goo d o f the m any

O f co u rs e very few o f the ru l es o f goo d fo rm

.

are abso l ute an d u nchangeable an d th ey m u st ,

b e m o re o r l ess regu lated by th e stan d ards o f the

peop le o n e l ives wi th an d the re qu i re ment s o f
,

the pl ace i n wh ic h o n e resi des .

Th e o ld ri d d l e asks ,What i s th e keynote

“

” ”
to good m an ners P The answer B n atu ral ,
“
.

N atu ral m anners are always the mo st ch arm i n g ,

p rovi d ed th at o ne i s well bred oth erwis e th e s el f

,
”
revel atio n i s u npl easant The fash io n able m an
.

n er of to day i s si mp le cord i al an d free fro m all

-
, ,

a ffectatio n .

G oo d m anners i nspi red by good p ri ncip les ,

pro mpted by go o d fel low s h i p polished by go od

,

fo rm wi ll fit o n e fo r good soci ety anywhe re

, .

IO
ET I E T T E fo r
ALL O C CAS I O N S
C /z a p t e r F i r s t — I NTRODUCTI ONS

HE E n gli sh have i m po rted and

d om esticated the sayi n g th at the “

roo f i s a n i ntrod ucti o n . A ll p er

sons m eeti n g at the s am e h o u se
are tac itly su pp o sed to b e o n the
sam e so an e and not averse to ac qu ai ntanc e ,

and i n F ranc e th e fo rmality o f a p resentati o n

amo n g m em bers o f the same soc i ety i s co nsi d e red
enti rely su perfl u ou s . Peop le are i nt rod u c ed to
o n e anothe r b u t thi s does no t rem ove barri e rs
,

that are regarded as al ready su p pressed .

With u s al l well b red p ersons rec o gnize th e

-

p ropri ety o f m akin g themselves agreeable to eac h

’
othe r i n a fri e nd s d rawi ng ro o m whethe r p r e s e n t a
-
, _

previ o u sly ac qu ai nted o r not A few t i o n s n u

n c e ss a ry
.

o f Ou r soc i ety leaders never i ntro d u ce

e
chance V isi to rs who conve rse as a m at ter o f
,

c o u rse It goes without sayi ng th at the p erson

.

ad d resse d i s both graci o u s an d responsive to the

o n e taki ng the i n iti ative .

Introd ucti on s however m ake i ntercou rse easi er

, , ,

and there i s less awkward ness when one kn ows

to who m o ne i s speaki ng the kn owled ge o ften
,

I I
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS

s u ggesti n g su bj ects fo r c o nversati on o f m u tu al

i nterest .

The rules gove rni ng p resentati on s S ho u ld be wel l

defined si nc e d ive rge nt vi ews m ay p rove so u rces
,

o f m i su nderstand i n g .

It m ay b e lai d d own as a general p ri ncip le that

a l ady i n her own ho u se m ay i ntrod uc e all h e r
Th e gu ests witho u t p revi ou sly aski ng thei r
P r i v i l e ge O f p ermi ssio n . I t need n ot i nvolve fu rth e r
a h o s ms s
ac qu ai ntanc e u nless o ne c ho ose al l ,
-

are n ot bl es sed with a good m em o ry fo r fac es ,

— b u t at the ho u se o f ano the r o r u po n n eu tral

,

gro u nd she m u st c o ns ul t the ir wi shes

,
.At a
P re s e n t a
d i nner
,
whe n the guests assem ble the ,

t io n s at h o stess i ntrod uc es the gentle men to the

di n n e r l ad i es whom they are to take i n and as ,

m any o the rs as she pleases b ut the old fashi o ned

,
-

c u sto m of wholesale p resentatio n is n o lo n ge r fol

p re s em a _
l owed
. I ntrod ucti ons are n ot expected
t i o n s at at large recepti ons except to those fo r
,

r e c e p t im ’ s whom th e entertai nment m ay b e gi ven

,

o r to so m e d i sti n gu ished gu est whom all are p re

s u m ab l y anxio u s to m eet tho u gh a stranger sho u ld
,

b e c o m me nd ed to the c harge o f so me o ne U po n .

less fo rm al occ asi o ns vi sito rs sho u ld b e p rese nted

when i t c an b e d one withou t O bvi o u s e ffo rt I t i s .

not stri ctly go od form to i ntrod uc e a gu est u po n

his e ntranc e i nto a ro om to mo re th an o n e other at
a ti me .

I t is a m i stake to i nterru pt a co nversatio n th at is

apparently agreeable i n o rd er to m ake an i ntro
d uctio n .
‘2
ETIQUETTE '
F O R ALL OCCASIONS

m en i n th is regard There are co m paratively s o

.

few way s i n w hi c h they can retu rn the favo rs they

receive that o n e m arvels that the i r sel f resp ect
,
-

sh o u ld not b e o n the alert to i m p rove eve ry o p p o r

t u n ity
. The best b red yo u ng m en requ est i ntro
- -o

d u c t io n s that they m ay m ake the mselves u sefu l to

,

thei r h ostess .

I n fo rm al i ntrod u cti o ns are always

m ad e b etwee n p erso n s co m posi n g a
h ou se party as soon as co nveni ent .

U n di sc ri mi nati n g i ntro d u cers are gene rally u n

p op ul ar I f the acqu ai ntanc e is not d esi re d o n th e
.

o n e S i d e and fi nd s itsel f u nwelc om e on

Th e
re s p o n s i th e othe r the too genero us sou rc e of
,

b il it Y the annoyance i s blam e d by b oth .

in c u rre d S pec i al carefu ln ess sho uld b e e x e r

c is e d abo u t presenti ng person s who co m e fro m
the s am e place .

’
O n e m ay alway s i ntrod u ce the m e mbe r of o ne s
own fam ily w ith o u t aski ng pe rm i ssion S i nce n on e ,

co u ld refu s e witho ut O ffe nce .

Th e i ntrod u cer m u st re member that h e o r sh e

i s res po nsibl e fo r th e persons presented an d r e ,

fra i n fro m fo rci n g u pon any one an u nwelco m e

acqu ai ntanc e th ro u gh a n easy goi ng i n d iffe rence
,
-

that p asses for a m iability .

T o d r o p an
The best way to be ri d of an e mbar
u n w elc o m e
r a s s m g acqu a i ntan cesh i p 15 to s trangle
a c q u ain t _

an c e i t i n its bi rt h A perfu ncto ry p ol ite

.

ness i s of cou rse exacted at t h e meeti n g bu t after ,

w ard s an u nseei ng p reoccu p ie d glance that doe s

,

14
 INTROD UCTIONS

not rest u p o n i ts obj ect a m e rely co u rteou s greet

,

ing lacki ng all co rd i al ity are the o nly weap o ns,

’
that o ne s sel f respect an d the l aw o f ki nd ness
-
,

whi ch i s fo reve r bi nd i n g wi ll p erm it u s to u s e

,

toward s eve n a vulgar o r aggressi ve p erson .

Pe rfect co u rtesy m ay i nte rpo se b arrie rs that are

h arde r to fo rce than those o f p alp abl e ru d en ess .

I t wo u ld b e as b al m to the wo u n ds o f h u rt
p ri de i f th e s u ffere rs wo u ld realiz e that th e refu sal
,

o f th ei r ac qu aintan ce o r th e i gnori n g o f thei r

exi stence do es not arise fro m any co ntem ptu o u s
esti m atio n o f the m o r fro m an exaggerate d im
,

pressi o n o f thei r own i mportanc e i n the b reasts

o f well b red p e ople who have a n assu red soc i al
-

posi ti on .

It i s s i m ply that among m odern i mp rove m ents

an d i nve nti ons n one h as bee n fo u n d to le n gthe n
,

the l ittle d ay o f twenty fou r h ou rs an d i n o rd er to

-
,

’
co n qu e r ti m e e no u gh to meet e ach d ay s de m ands ,

one m u st d efen d o nesel f agai nst new enc roach

me nts parti cu larly when th ey take the fo rm o f
,

s uperfl u o u s ac qu ai ntances to whom o n e owes n o

’
du ty o f b enevolence It i s well to choose o n e s
.

frie nds slowly an d with co nsid e rati o n .

People who se wo rk and pl ay bri n g them i nto

c ontact o r wh o are s o m u t u al l y con gen i al as to
'

se ek one anot h e r fro m cho ic e natu rally N at u ral ,

fal l i nto sets and cli qu es They d o n ot a s s o c i a

.

n eed any p rickly hed ges to i ns u re thei r t io n s

secl usi o n The ac qu ai ntance o f any o ne b ro u ght

.

i nto tem porary relatio ns wit h the perso ns co mpo s

I S
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L OCCASIONS

i n g th is so ci ety falls s i mply to the gro u n d u nless

,

the n ew co m e r h as exceptio n al attracti o ns

-
.

There are p erso ns well placed i n s oc iety to , ,

wh o m th e go ds of th is wo rld h ave been i n d ulgent ,

wh o p ri de the mselves u po n thei r ex

el u s ive ness pe r se res enti ng tres
, ,

passes u po n thei r preserves These .

are gene rally thos e wh o h ave arrived wh ich “

,

te rm p resu pp oses a certai n am ou n t o f cl i mbi ng .

A wo m an s ec u re i n he r soc i al p ositi o n i s n eve r

afrai d to m eet strangers to bo w o r sp eak fi rst , ,

n or to S h o w he rsel f graci o u s and friendly to any

o ne ; and i f she h ave n o so c i al posi ti o n sh e proves ,

he rsel f a C h ri sti an and a lady by s o d o i ng .

S nobbi shnes s is not confined to fash i onable c i r

c les h oweve r S o m e o n e h a s s ai d th at snobs like
, .
,

poets a re b orn no t m ad e
, A yo u ng ,
.

wo m an a benefi ci ary o f o n e of th e
,

m any m i ss io nary e nterp rises i n N ew

Yo rk was u rged by the lady who had befrie n ded
,

he r to try i n h e r t u rn to ai d othe rs m o re i n n eed

, ,

than he rsel f ; b u t the re qu est wa s m et by the s u r

’
r is in g o bj e c t io n : I d o n t want s u ch p eopl e to
'
“
p
t h i nk that they a re as goo d as I am and b ow to ,

m e o n th e street .

A no the r i nstanc e A raw bo ne d co u ntry lad.

-
,

whose attractions an d advantages we re not appar

e nt whe n i nstru cted i n h is d u ty toward s hi s n eigh
,

bo r to o rd e r h i msel f lowly an d reve re ntly to al l

”
h i s betters d em anded fiercely
,
Who ar e my ,
“

better s P
16
 INTRODUCTIONS

A new fo rm o f s nobbery has arise n amon g u s .

Thos e who are cli mbi ng ge n ealogic al trees an d

wh o h ave mad e grati fyi n g d i scoveri es c ast b ack
ward looks o f d isdai n The rep u te d gran d fathe r
.

less ness o f A m eri c ans has been felt by so m e to be

a challe nge .

I t i s always p rop e r fo r a m an to ask a m u tu al

fri e nd to p resent hi m to a lady M e n R e q u e s t .

rarely ask to be i ntrod u ced to e ach in g in t ro

o the r but i f a lady des i res to p resent
,
d u °t i ° n 3

the m the re que s t shou ld never b e met with in d if

ference .

The u su al way fo r a man to p rese nt h i s fri en d

to a lady i s to ask he r p erm iss i o n to bri ng h i m to
call u po n he r at s o m e tim e whe n sh e sh all b e re
c e iv in g he r fri ends A n i nvitati o n i s l ikely to
.

fol low the c al l .

C asu al i ntro d u cti ons i n th e street i n a S h op o r ,

th eatre i n an opera box o r any place w here

,
-
,

fri ends and strangers are u ne xpecte dly C h an c e

c onfro nte d reli eves the sti ffness o f the p r e s e n t a
,

situ ati on ; b u t s u c h acqu ai ntance is rare t io n s

l y clai m ed afterward u nless the p leasu re o n b oth

,

si des has b een very obvi o u s I n p u bli c co nvey .

an c es p resentations are m ade o n ly u nde r e x c e

p
t io n al ci rcu mstances .

If whi le acco mp anyi ng a wo m an fri end i n th e

,

street sh e sees a n acqu aintance to who m sh e

,

wo u l d speak a few b ri ef wo rds fo r go od an d

s u fli c ie n t reaso n o ne wo u ld S how m o re c o n
,

s ideratio n by strol lin g o n S lowly a few yards than ,

2 I7
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

stand i n g by an d heari n g the co nvers atio n tho u gh ,

i t i s n o t a b reach o f the p rop rieti es to d o so .

A fte r a b ow i n acknowledgm ent o f a wo rd o f i ntro

d u cti o n o ne shou l d not m i ngle i n the co nversati o n
,

u n less d i rectly add ressed .

I f a p erso n is m o re p ro m i nent o r d i sti ngu ished

i n any way than o u rselves let us n ot s eek an i ntro ,

d u cti o n to o obvio u sly b u t let d is c retio n ,

P ro p e r
r e tic e n ce
b e o u r tu to r an d wai t fo
, r h is o r h e r
fi rst advance o r fo r som e happy c han ce
to b ri n g u s togethe r A c qu ai ntances S ho u ld b e
.

m ade thro u gh n atu ral chan nels never fo rc ed , .

I n m aki ng an i ntrod u cti o n the gentl em an i s ,

always p resente d to the l ady the fo rm u l a bei n g ,

F o r m u l ae M rs A
. al low
. m, e to p resent M r Z . .
,

o f p re s e n p ro no u n ci n g th e n ames ve ry d i sti n ctly .

t am “
I n the case o f two l adies o r two m en ,

th e eld er i s add ressed the n am e o f th e yo u nge r

,

mentio ned fi rs t , M rs Yo u n g M rs G ray

. Whe n ,
. .

the two lad ies are nearly of an age the d is tin c ,

tion wo u ld b e i nvi d io u s A yo u n g gi rl p resents he r

.

fri en ds to h er m othe r b ut the mothe r s ays

, M ay ,

I p resent my d au ghte r M rs Blank ? th ou gh , .

,

if th e i ntrod u ctio n be to a m an she fol l ows th e

w
,

u su al ru le . If o ne m an i ntro d u ce anothe r to a
l ady afte r perm ission h as been secu red the p re
, ,

s e n tatio n i s m ad e com p li mentary i n its fo rm u la ,

M i ss A M r B desi re s the p l easu re of yo u r

.
, . .

acqu ai ntance .

I n i nt r od u ci ng s trange r s s om e l ittle pe rs on ality

,

m ay s erve as a s tarting poi nt fo r co nve rs ati on -

,

18
 INTRODUCTIONS

M rs A d o yo u kno w M rs Z ? S u ch e n th u s i
.
, . .

as t ic golfe rs sho u ld know each othe r ; or M rs , .

Z let m e p resent M iss A to yo u

.
,
S he i s newly . .

a rri ved and I want her to know all my m ost

,
”
c harm i ng fri ends .

A lady shou l d ri se when anothe r i s p rese nted to

h er u nless sh e i s m u ch you nger th an hersel f S he
,
.

keep s he r seat and bows whe n a m an T h e p ro p e r ,

is p rese nted M en u su ally S h ake h ands c o u rt e s i e s

.

a t an i “
when i ntro d u ce d to on e anothe r wo m e n f
t ro d u c t i o n
m e rely b ow and s m i le Wi th co rd i al gra
c io u s n e s s u nless they des i re to S ho w sp eci al fri e nd
,

l in e s s I t i s a gracefu l act fo r a n elderly w o m a n

.

to exten d he r hand to a yo u n ge r at an in tro d u c

tio n When a m an and wo m an are p resented
.
,

both m ake a sli ght i ncl i n atio n o f the head and

’
b o dy and each p ro no u nces the othe r s n am e i n
,

cou rteo u s recogn iti on S om e perso ns thi nk i t

.

m o re c o rd i al to ad d the m eani ngless greetin g ,

H ow d o yo u d o M r o r M iss , .

thou gh th ei r health i s rem ote fro m thei r thou ghts .

O n e o f the trivi alities m agni fie d by fash ion i nto ,

”
a sort o f S hi bbo leth is th e c usto m o f sayi ng at ,

”
an i ntrod u cti o n I am h appy to m eet you a n d
,
“
,

n ot Pleased to meet yo u whic h i s cons i d ere d

“
,

p rovinci al I f o ne c an explai n why it is a grati

.

fi c at io n becau se o f a m utu al fri end o r a co m m o n

,

interest o r p u rs u it the comp l i m ent m akes a n ex

,

ce l l e n t b egi nn i n g fo r co nversation .

A m an be i ng p rese nted to two o r m ore l ad i es at

a ti m e shou l d n ot s ingl e o ut on e fo r special atte n
I9
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASI ONS

ti o n b u t sh o ul d e n deavo r to m ake e ach o ne feel

,

hi s i nterest i n what she says .

A fte r an i ntrod u ction i f a m an wishes to exc u s e

,

h i msel f he m u st take h i s le ave o nly afte r h e h as

,

been the last S peake r add i ng a wo rd of apology

, .

S o m e perso ns i n m aki n g an i ntrod u ctio n m u m

bl e the nam es S O i nd isti n ctly that both p arties are
N am e s le ft i n e mbarrassm ent F o r so me rea .

c l e ar ly so n people are tou chy abo u t be i n g

“

Pr° n ° u n c °d c alled by oth er n ames th an thei r own .

”
I f yo u r nam e is H olt it i s n ot p leasant to b e
,

”
add ressed as D o lt “
. I t i s wise r to s ay at o n ce
that the nam e escaped o ne and as k th e pe rso n
h i mself to repe at i t Thi s so meti mes gives h i m
.

th e grati fyi ng opportu ni ty o f expl ai ni ng wh o hi s

p eo ple are wh i ch i f o ne i s am iable o ne will not
, , ,

m i n d —the re is pl eas u re i n givi ng pl easu re .

A lthou gh p resentatio ns m ay be requ ested it i s ,

not u su al to s oli cit letters of i ntrod u ction Yo u .

L e t t e rs the n n ot o nly ask a favo r of yo u r fri en d ,

O f in fr o b ut th at he shou l d ask a favo r of h i s

d u m o ” fri en d o n you r behalf S u ch requ ests .

m ust b e m ad e d iplo m ati cally Yo u m ay S p eak .

o f you r wish to an i nti m ate fri end who m ay vol ,

u n te e r to get l etters fo r yo u from so m e m u tu al

ac qu ai ntance s i nce i t i s always easi e r to ask

,
’
favo rs fo r oth ers tha n fo r o n e s self ; o r yo u
m ay mentio n the fact o f you r intended soj ou rn at
a give n p lac e i n the p resenc e o f o n e wh o m ay ,

i f he please d o yo u a ki ndn ess i n m aki n g yo u

,

acqu ai nted with h i s friends resid i n g the re O r .

20
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

i s e asi ly keye d to o h igh fo r o rd i nary h u m an

fu lfi lm e nt .

A c ard sho u ld be left with a l etter o f in tro d u c

tio n witho u t aski ng to see the perso n add ressed
, .

I t i s m o re co u rteo u s to sen d it by m essen ger than

by p ost i f u n able to go i n p e rso n I f th e le tte r i s
,
.

s e nt it sho u ld e nclose th e card of the pe r s o n in

,

t r o d u c e d i n o rde r to give the add ress .

The reci p i ent sho ul d cal l p ro mptly ,

a fte r whic h the l adies of hi s fam ily c all

i m p o s e d u po n those belo ngi ng to the p arty O f
b y no tes th e beare r o f th e letter .

“ in ? “
A d i nner i s th e u su al co u rtesy ex
d u c t io n
te nded always the h i ghest S o c i al
,

co mpl i m ent — tho u gh a littl e real fri end li ness o u t

,

we i gh s m any c o mpli m e nts Those wh o h ave

.

th e m u su ally s e n d thei r c arri ages to those wh o

h ave p rese nte d l ette rs O f i ntrod ucti o n p ut th e ,

me n o f th e p arty u p at o n e o r mo re cl u bs c o n
s id e re d rep resen tative and see that al l are in
,

vite d to wh ateve r s oc i al event i s o ccu pyi n g p u bli c

atte ntion .

B ut as wealthy peo pl e l ive mo re o r less alike

all ove r th e wo rld th e travelle r wi ll o ften b ette r
,

app rec i ate a si mple r hospi tality N ati o nal d ish es .

at tabl e m od est fu ncti o ns pe cu li ar to the place

,

an d p eople ple ase an d i nterest a stran ge r and

, ,

to welco m e h i m i nto a h om e atmosphere i s to d o

h im the greatest poss ibl e kin d ness .

A vi siti ng c ard wi th the wo rd s

-
, I ntrod uc ing “

”
M r Bl ank wri tten above the en graved na me o f
.

22
 INTRODUCTIONS

th e s end er has m erely i ts face val u e an d i m po s es

, ,

n o so ci al obli gati o n
.

S ho u ld we recei ve a l ette r O f i ntro d u ctio n we

S ho u ld regard it as a sac red cl ai m u p o n o u r h ospi

tal ity Th e F re nch h ave a p roverb Th e frien d s

.
,
“

”
o f o u r fri ends a re o u r fri end s
.

23
C b ap t e r S eco n d —S A L U T A T I O N S

M E R R Y y o u n g mothe r d esi ro u s ,

that he r littl e fl ock sh o u l d b e well

m ann e red and o b s e r v a n t of the
s m all sweet cou rtesi es
“
, su gar ,

co ate d th e p i ll o f d uty and tu rn ed

h er teac h in gs i nto play by s ayin g to the m ,

“
The go o d fai ri es h ave i nvited th e m em bers
o f yo u r l ittle b od ies to a tea party bu t b efo re
-
,

they go each o n e m u st h ave lesson s i n be havi o r

, ,
”
fo r fai ry m an ne rs are very d ai nty .

Th e n foll owe d a m e rry hou r i n wh i ch kn ee s

we re d ri l led i n gracefu l ge n u fl e c tio n s h eads were ,

tau ght to bow h and s to m e et i n fri endly clasp a nd

, ,

l ips to sm i le the frowns away i f thei r own ers we re

,
’
vi cti m s o f anoth e r s awkwardn ess S m al l arms
.

we re trai n ed to c ro ok them selves gall antly an d

be accepted wi th grac i o u sn ess and a fai ry tea,

party closed th e exe rcises —a sylvan feast at

,

whi ch th e p i xi e hostesses were qu ite visible to

the yo uthfu l i m agi nati o n an d ad d ed greatly to
th e pleas u re o f th e gu ests by thei r p resence .

The sto ry recal ls the fact that h ead s h ands , ,

l i ps arm s and kn ee s all h ave the i r l esso ns to l earn

, , ,

th ei r parts to p lay i n th e d ram a o f so c iety They .

vary i n di fferent co u n tries and i n d i ffe rent ages o f

the sam e c o u ntry .

24
 S ALU TATI O N S

I t is b u t a few ye ars ago that a gentleman in

vari ably o fi e re d h is arm to a lady who m h e aec om
'

p an ie d o n the street afte r d ark an d O b s o l e t e ,

m arri e d and e n gaged co u p les frankly c o u r t e s i e s

p rocl ai m ed thei r rel ati o ns by walki n g arm i n arm
i n th e d ayti m e — th e fo rm er disti ngu i sh able fro m
,

th e l atte r by a m o re m atte r O ffact beari n g N o w - -

.

i t is opti o n al whethe r a m an s hal l s ay I thi nk “

”
yo u wi ll fin d it b ette r to take my arm whe n s o m e ,

sp eci al re aso n su gge sts the advi s abi lity Th e c us .

to m see m s to s u rvive on ly upo n few occ asio n s .

Whe n a c o m p any i s p assin g to the d in i ng roo m -

u p o n the an no u nceme nt of di nne r a ge ntlem an ,

Of fe rs h i s arm to th e l ady wh o m h i s W h e n is
ho stess d i rects hi m to take i n tho u gh a m an ,

sh e s eem s n ot to b e i n u rgent nee d o f t o ff e r o

h is arm ?
s u ppo rt o r p rotecti on U pon form al
.

o ccas ion s the fa s hi o n i s growi ng fo r the m e n to

,

Of fe r t h e i r a rm s to th e ladi es wh e n they wi th d raw

fro m th e d i n in g roo m an d h aving seated them
-
, ,

’
h o w and reti re to enj oy eac h other s so ci ety fo r
,

a tim e .

I n a b al l ro o m the m atte r see ms to b e left to

‘
-

i ndivid u al cho i ce whether o r not a m an sh al l O ffer

his arm thou gh it is no lon ge r go o d fo rm to en te r
,

th e roo m arm i n arm Th e lady p recedes he r .

esco rt by a step o r two to be greeted by the i r ,

hostess .

A wed d i n g as th e m ost c e re mo n io u s of fu n c
,

ti o ns i mpo ses a rather m o re c o u rtly eti q u ette

, .

Th e gu ests u po n arrival at the chu rch are m et

, ,

25
ETIQ UETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

by the u she rs wh o O ffe r thei r arm s an d c o n d u c t

,

th e lad i es to the i r plac es It i s n oticeable th at

.

th e cu sto m i s s o l ittl e p racti s ed elsewhere th at the

wo me n have grown so meti mes a b i t awkward i n
accepti n g the little co u rtesy Th e i r step sho u ld .

b e i n pe rfect acco rd with th at o f the esco rt and ,

’
th e lady s wri st reac h n o farther th an th e be n d of
’
th e m an s elbow O f c o u rse a lady n eve r m akes
.

’
a m ove m ent to take a m an s arm anywhe re u nti l
i t is offered .

The re are o ccasio ns whe n th e p rotectio n o f a

’
m an s arm eve n i n s o co nve nti o nal an atti tu d e
, ,
’
m ay be o f real s ervi ce I n th readi n g o ne s way
.

th ro u gh a c rowd o r i n p ass in g by a m i xed m u l ti

tu de a wo m an i s m o re s ec u re from j ostl in g o r a
,

p ossi bl e fam i li ari ty T he attitu de i s a rep resenta

.

tive thi n g u nd ersto od by the rou ghest to m ean

,

th at a m an i s pled ged to th e care and d efenc e o f

the lady u po n h i s arm .

It m u st be c on fessed that thou gh the e arly

V i cto ri an you n g lady wh o was give n to fai ntin g
,

and c ultivated a p retty h elp lessness h as go n e

“
,

o u t o f fash io n m ost wom en li ke to s ee a l ittle sol i

,

c it u d e fo r thei r p rotecti on even tho u gh the d an ge r

,

b e ap o c ryph al .

A recent h ero i ne o f fictio n wh o clai med the

’
hero s p rotecti o n from the i m agin ary d ange r o f an
i nfu ri ated b ull cl i nging to hi s a rm wi th the ten
,

d e rness b o rn o f extrem e apprehe n s i on m ay be ,

tho u ght to h ave c arried th is feeli ng rathe r too far .

S he co nfe ss ed o nly wh en he r engagem ent was an

,

26
 SALUTATIONS

ass u re d fact that s h e had kn own all al on g that th e

,

a nim al was a c ow ! The he ro explai ne d th at he

had h i s own reaso ns fo r not u nd eceivi n g he r at th e
ti m e .

To retu rn to o u r m u tto ns With the e xc e p.

tio n o f the i nstances given the cu sto m o f a rm ,

“

i ng a s they c al l it i n E ngland h as go n e o ut o f
, ,

fash i on .

Th i s m i ght seen a dec l i ne i n c o u rteo u s c u sto m ,

bu t th e c ere m o ny of the h at i s a l ittle T h e c e r “

m o re p u nctili o u s than fo rm e rly A em o n y o f .

t h e ”a”
,

m an n ow as always here and i n E n g

,

’
l and waits the lady s recognitio n be fo re h e rai ses
,
-

h is h at to h er whe reas o n the C o ntin en t th e gen

,

t l e m an takes the i n iti ative ; bu t we h ave ado pted

the fo rei gn m an ne r o f re movi n g the hat up o n m any
oc casio ns whe n so m e years ago it was c o ns id e red
u nnecessary S o m e of o u r c o m p atri ots i n th e l ate
.

s ixties we re m u c h c ritici sed i n E u rop e fo r th e

fo n d ness fo r the i r h ats .

A G erm an cl i cks h is h eels to gethe r an d b ri n gs

h is head to th e level o f hi s swo rd belt M od ern -
.

m anners offe r n o fo rm o f defe re nc e s o gran d an d

tho rou gh as a Fr en chm an s b ow —h e s u p erbly ’
,

waves hi s h at all a roun d hi m ! These fin e ob c i

s ance s d i d n ot c o m men d them selves tr; o u r fo r
’
bears i mitation Yankee backb o nes d o n ot take
.

ki nd ly to p rostratio n and wi ll n ot be n d on e inc h

,

lowe r than i s felt to b e c onsisten t with p erso nal

d i gn ity ; bu t we h ave learned to di s ti ngu i s h b e
twee n ci vi lity and se rvi l ity .

27
E TIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

A gentle m an rai s es h is h at wh en p rese nted to a

wo m an wh en m eetin g o r taki ng le ave o f h e r wh en
, ,

ab ou t to add ress he r o r when she fi rst sp eaks to

,

h i m fo r wh ateve r reason i f he passes he r o n a stai r

,

way o r i n fro nt o f he r i n a pu bli c co n veyance at a ,

the atre o r elsewh ere in deed wh enever th e leas t

, ,

ap ology wo u l d b e i n o rd e r — wh en h e o ffe rs h is ,

s e rvices i n an y way eve n tacitly o r sho ws h e r

, ,

s o m e tri fl i n g c o u rtesy and he sh o u ld always

,

rai se h i s h at when ack nowledgi n g he r than ks .

A m an s h o u ld p ay th e sam e m an n er l y tri b u te to
he r s ex w h en a wo m an e nte rs an elevato r an d re ,

m ai n u ncove red d u ri ng h e r stay there i n I n a p ic .

tu re gal le ry i n the li ft o f a bu si ness b u i ld in g i n

, ,

co rri do rs o r vestib u l e o f a theatre o r in a hotel o ffic e ,

be in g p u bl i c tho ro u ghfares a m an retai n s hi s h at ;

,

b ut i f she pass h i m an d the way be n arrow h e m ake s

way fo r he r a n d l ifts h is hat In hotel l i fts and .

co rrid o rs h e rem oves i t i f wo m en are p rese nt .

A ge ntle m a n always raises h i s hat u p o n recog

n iz in g an acqu ai ntan ce wh o h as a lady w i th h i m .

I f th e fri en d with wh o m h e m ay happ e n to be bows

to a l ady h e shows th e sam e cou rtesy tho u gh sh e
, ,

may b e u nkn own to hi m S ho u ld a lady b e with .

h im an d rec ogn iz e a fri end m an o r wo man he

, , ,

sho u ld li ft his hat i n sal utati on .

Th e A bow sh ou ld always b e retu rned ,

e t i qu et t e o n e m ay b e m i stake n fo r s om e o ne
O fa b °W
else , and m ay b e co rd i al grac i ou s , ,

d eferenti al fo rm al fri endly o r fam i li ar b u t n ever

, , , ,

othe r than p ol ite .

28
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

H allo a Jack ! —o r wh atever h is m ost i nti m ate

,

n am e m ay b e ad d i n g fo r he r en li ghte n m e nt
, ,
”
“
O h we we nt to scho ol togethe r
, or We are , ,
”
o ld c hu rn s C o u rtes y de m an d s th at he b ow to the
.

’
lady s c o m pan i o n befo re add ressi n g h e r tho u gh ,

he m ay bow to he r fi rs t The s alu te i s the p rop e r

.
.

’
reco gn iti on o f th e othe r s p resen ce a nd i m pl i e s an ,

apo logy fo r intru d i ng u p o n h i s i nte rco u rs e with

th e l ady .

Bo w i gn
A m an add re s si ng a lady o ut o f d oo rs
co n ve n takes his h at qu ite o ff an d rem ai ns u n ,

t i ms
fi cove red u nti l s he asks hi m to res u m e i t ,
co m m u e d
wh ic h S h e wi ll d o p ro m ptly i f sh e i s
ei th e r wel l b red o r co nsid e rate .

A lth o u gh as h as been sai d a m an waits fo r a

, ,

l ady to b ow fi rst amo n g fri end s o n e d oes not wai t

,

fo r th e othe r ; th e re co gn i ti o n wo u l d be si mu l
t an e o us .

When m e n a re ri d i n g o r d rivin g and can not l i ft

thei r hats they b o w be nd in g fro m the wai st and
, ,

raise the whi p to th e h at b ri m -

.

I t O fte n h appens th at l adi es who ente rtai n ho s

p it ab l y i nvite m any yo u n g m en to the i r ho u ses
whose fam i lies they know b u t whom they som e ,

ti m es fail to rec ognize o n the street Yo u n g m e n .

m u st not b e ove r sensitive i n these m atters Th at

-
.

a lady i nvites hi m to her ho u s e i s an evi denc e o f

h e r acknowledgm e nt o f h is acquai ntanc e and h e ,

m ay li ft hi s h at i n passi ng he r i n toke n o f resp ect ,

tho u gh he do es not look at he r and so chall enge

h e r recogn ition .

30
 S ALUTATIONS

I n the m atte r o f s alu tati o ns th e co u rtesy has had

,

a revival — n ot the cere m o n iou s i ncl in atio n o f the

,

ti mes o f o u r stately gran d m others b u t ,

a c u ri o u s little d i p a sl i ght qu i ck be nd
, ,

i n g o f the knee that i n E ngl an d is

,
”
know n as the ch arity bob in soc ie ty s lang i t
“
,

h avi ng l o n g bee n there the u s ual acknowled gm ent

by a benefici ary i n accepti n g alm s o r favo rs and ,

is a so m ewh at wo od e n j o i nted reve rence

-
In .

F ranc e it h as always h ad p lace a m on g th e s oci al

trad i ti o ns of the ladi es o f the F au bo u rg S t G er .

m ai n,
th at st r on ghol d of Pari si an excl us iveness ,

wh os e reve rences show the n icest gradatio ns of

eti qu ette .

With a F re nchwo m an sal utati o n i s a n art F ro m .

the l ow sweep i ng co u rtesy at a fi rst i ntro d u ctio n to

,

a wo man o f hi ghe r rank than he r own d own to the ,

fa m il i ar n o d and exte nded han d wi th wh i ch with ,

o ut ri si n g fro m he r sofa S h e greets he r m en

,

fri ends the exact degree of p e rm itted i nti m acy i s

,

i nd i c ated We bei n g a sti ff n ecked gene rati on are

.
,
-
,

no t s o p rofi ci ent b ut i t has bee n co nsi d e re d goo d

,

form fo r the p ast few years fo r yo u n g gi rls to

m ake th e little i ncl i nati o n when accepti n g th e
han d o f a n old e r wo man extend ed i n greeti ng ,

p arti cu l arly i f that l ady b e he r hostess A s th e .

fash i o n was i n au gu rated by those h avi n g th e ad

vantage o f soc i al p restige it has h ad a seaso n o f
,

pop u l arity bu t is already on the wane A ny l ittle

, .

m ark o f defere nce fro m you th to age i s worthy o f

e nco u ragem ent i n A meri c a b u t there i s among u s
,

3!
ETIQ UETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

a ram pant p rotest agai nst artifi c ial ity i n any fo rm ,

whi ch i s co m men dable i n theo ry .

The A ngl o S axon s are s ai d to be fo n d O f shak

-

i ng h ands an d as a vehi cle fo r the e m otio ns i t

, ,

s ee m s to s atisfy al l the re qu i re me nts fo r

S h ak in g
fr i e ndly I nte r co u rs e e x res s m g co r
h an d s p
-
,

d ial ity sym pathy congratu lati on even , , ,

a ffectio n as well we thi nk as the e ffu sive e mb races

, , ,

betwee n b eard ed me n th at we so meti me s s ee o n

the C o ntin e nt H and m eets hand i n fri end ly
.

c lasp b u t o nly real i nti m acy au tho ri zes any othe r

,

to u ch o f the pe rso n A sl ap o n the back fro m .

any o n e b u t a c l o s e fri e n d i s an u nwarrantable

,

li berty .

The c u sto m o f shakin g hands co m es fro m the

re m otest b arb aris m wh e n two m en m eeti n g gave , , ,

e ach othe r thei r we apo n h ands as a s e c u rity again s t ‘

tre ache ry .

M u ch m i gh t b e s aid o n th e s ubj ect of h an d

sh aki ng S o m e h ands fee l l ike a d ead th i n g s o
.
,

’
i n ertly d o th ey d rop fro m o n e s clasp ; others by
ove r co rd i al ity i nfl i ct t o rtu re i f ri ngs are wo rn
-
,

wh i le othe rs agai n are i mp e rti nent i n givi n g to o

l i ngeri ng a p ressu r e V erily b reed i n g i s shown i n .

t r ifl e s .

A s h as b een s ai d m en sh ake h ands with e ach ,

oth e r at i ntro d u ctio ns ; wo m e n o nly whe n de s i rin g ,

to b e espec ially co rd i al .

O f c o u rs e a man n eve r O f fers h is h and fi rst to

,

a l ady !u nless h e i s he r ho st when h e m ay d o s o ,

with al l prop ri e ty ) b u t m u st wai t fo r he r i niti a ,

~

32
 SALUTATIONS

tive ; no r w i ll h e take he r u n gloved han d i n hi s

wi tho ut fi rst re m ovi n g h i s own glove tho u gh i t ,

i s bette r to retai n i t than to b e awkwa rd and

to o o bvio u sly c o ncerned abo u t i t A m on g friends .

o n e d oes n ot wait fo r the other p u n cti li o i s n ot ,

i n p lac e
.

Whe n greeti n g m othe r an d d au ghters o ne sho u l d ,

b e partic u lar to S h ake h and s Wi th the m othe r fi rst ;

and u po n m aki ng c alls a wo m an O fte n fi n ds u p on
, ,

ente ri ng th e d raw m g ro o m th at p e rs on al fri e nd s

-
,

have p rece ded h er S he m u st b e carefu l to greet

.

he r h ostess fi rst i gno ri ng all othe rs u nti l after th at

,

co u rtesy h as bee n p aid .

E ven the m an ne r o f shaki ng h ands i s r egu l ated

by co nve ntio n Both hands he l d o ut at a d istance
.

fro m the b ody exp ress the e xtre me of i nti m ate

c o rd i al ity and the hand opened wi d e p alm u pward
, , ,

with the arm hel d al m ost st raight m arks a d egree ,

of fam il i arity th at th e bent e lbow and p artly c losed

h an d d oes n ot su ggest I n ac cepti n g th e hand o f
.

R oyalty at a p rese ntation o n e receives i t o n the

,
’
u p pe r S i de o f o ne s own O pe n h and so su pp o rti n g ,

i t wh i le o ne bends and ki sses i t To clasp th e .

au gu st m e mbe r wo u ld be th e extre m e of b ad
fo rm.

Ti me wa s not very lon g ago wh en wo me n ki ssed

, ,

each other hab itu ally whe n m eeti n g an d p arti ng ,

eve n i n the street i f i nti macy warranted

,
Ki s s i n g
it
. The c u sto m i s n ow regard ed as
p rovi nci al except a m on g c lose fri end s an d i n p ri
,

vate M echanical perfu ncto ry ki sse s cheapen on e

.
,

3 33
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

o f the few m odes o f exp ressi on i nsp i red by o u r

ten de rest em oti o ns The cu sto m i s a c u ri o u s o n e
.

whe n on e stop s to an alyze i t I n the S o ci ety and

.

F ri end ly I slan d s they ru b n oses, othe r l and s ,

”
othe r ways .

34
Cb ap t e r s d I N VITAT I O NS
—
’

r AND

AN N O UN C E M E N T S

N O riental sch olar tells u s that whe n

a ri ch m an m ade a feast i n o ld
Jeru salem the so ci ally elect we re
,

notified by se rvants sent t o the .

h o u ses o f the s eve ral gu ests to

m ake t h e a nn o u ncem ent C om e fo r all thi n gs
,
“
,
”
are now ready .

I n d efau lt o f cl ocks and watches s u c h an a r ,

r an ge me nt was an i nsu ra nce agai nst belated

arrivals .

What an e co nomy o f e ffo rt i s o u r p rivi lege i n

these d ays whe n on hospitable thou ghts i ntent !
,

A co m petent en gr ave r and the i nd e fati gable p o s t

m an l eave u s b ut the tro uble to m ake th e selectio n
o f o u r gu ests si nc e the i nvitation s m ay eve n be
,

add ressed whe re they are p ri nted i f it b e s o ,

-

d es i red
.

The s qu a r e o f card bo a r d o r h and writte n n ote

- -

s tands fo r m u ch To the r eci pi ents i t i s the rec

.

o gn itio n th at they h ave a pl ace amo n g th ei r fel

l ows th at th ey are wanted —t h at th e pleasu re

, ,
‘
“

of thei r co m pany is requ ested falls agreeably o n

the e ar .

35
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L OCCASIONS

A n i nvitati o n bei n g a co m pl i m ent th e wo rd i n g ,

i s always co rd i ally co u rteou s I ts c o nventio nal

.

Th e
fo r m fo r cerem on io u s fu ncti o n s i s a
p ro p er l arge u n gl az ed c ard o r sheet o f heavy
, ,

fO fm fo r E n glish p ap e r u su ally e ngraved i n

,
m v n a’
O

mnS
s c ript tho u g h fo r the sake o f novelty
, , ,

the lette ri ng vari es ac co rdi n g to fash io n .

We d d in g an d d i n ne r i nvi tatio ns are always

,

i ss u e d i n the n am es O f h ost a nd h ostess b u t ,

In w h o se
fo r balls d
, ances afte rn
,
oo n rece pti ons ,

n am e te as an d gard e n parti es th e i nvitati ons

,
-
,

i s s u e d are sent i n the n am e o f th e h ostess

alon e fo r s o m e u n expl ai ned reason e xc ept whe n
, ,

a wi dowe r e ntertai n s fo r h is d au ghte rs If a .

d aughte r p resid e over h i s ho u sehold h er n am e ,

sho u l d app ear j o i ntly w ith h is .

I f a receptio n is give n i n the even i n g th e h u s ,

’
b and s n ame sho u l d ap pe ar o n the i nvitati o n an d
he wou l d receive with h i s wi fe A .

Even n g
f
re c e p t io n s
yo u n g gi rl sh ou l d neve r i nvite m e n
In h e r own n am e fo r any fu n ct i on ,

howeve r i nfo rm al b ut s h e m ay write over he r

,

own si gnatu re that he r m other o r chapero n

des ires he r to extend th e i nvi tatio n .

”
Th e wo rd “
b al l i s never u sed i n a pri vate
i nvitatio n . Th e obj ect o f th e en tertai n m ent i s
”
In v i t at i o n s i ndi cated by the wo rd D anci ng or
fo r b all s ”
C otillio n i n on e co rner of th e c ard
a n d da n ce s
o r sheet . The u s u al fo rm i s a l arge
card with the wo rds ,

36
ETI Q UETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

F o r an i nform al d an ce the i nvi tation s a re w rit

ten e ithe r in th e fo rm u la p revio u sly
,

qu oted o r i n a frien dly n ote O rigi nal .

ity i s not l o oked fo r ; eve ry o n e fol

l ows the s tereotyp ed fo rm ,

MY D EA R M I S S JAY ,

Wi ll yo u give u s th e pl e as u re o f yo u r co m pany
at an i n form al l ittle d anc e o n Tu esd ay e ven i ng
, ,
’
F eb ru ary the fou rth at n i ne O clock ?
,

The C otil lio n will b egi n at ten and we h op e ,

th at no p revi o u s e ngage m ent m ay d ep rive u s o f

the pleasu re o f seei ng you .

V e ry co rd ially you rs ,

KATHER I N E LI V I N GS TO N .

Jan u ary th e twenty thi rd

-
.

I f th e note pape r b e n ot engraved with the ad

-

d ress it sh o u ld o f co u rse b e written

, .

F o r a s u bsc ri pti o n ball s u ch as the A sse mbly

, ,

th e c ard i s d ou ble openi n g l ike a b ook

, ,

i n o rde r to acc o mm odate the n am es

o f th e p atro nesses withi n and i s e n ,

graved ,

The pleasu re O f

com pany is requ ested at the

S ec ond A sse mbly
Thu rsd ay J anu ary th e twe nty eighth
,
-

’
at n i ne o cl ock
The n follow the n am es of the fou r l ad i es o f the
R eception C o m m ittee I t i s c u stom ary to state
.

38
 INVITAT I ONS A N D ANNO U N CE MENTS

o n the c ard where th e ball i s to take plac e b u t ,

the p atron esses o f th e A sse mbly o m it it assu m i n g ,

t hat i t i s too wel l known to req u ire m enti o n If a .

s in gle c ard i s u sed the n ames o f the patro nesses

,

a re engraved at the b ack E ach s u bsc ribe r i s

.

u s u ally entitl ed to fi ve o r S ix c ard s of i nvi tati on ,

whi ch h e d istrib utes am o ng h i s frie nds .

Th e p e rs o n givi n g th e i nvi tati on e nclos es th e

card with a note s ayi ng i n few words that the wri ter
,

hopes th at the rec ip i ent m ay b e abl e to u s e i t I t .

”
u su ally e nclo s e s as well a vou che r o r co u pon ,

a sm al l c ard b ea ri ng the d ate of th e b all an d the

nam e o f th e gu es t to be p res ented at th e d o o r as
, ,

a safegu ard agai nst th e i ntrusi o n o f perso n s not

i nvited .

A s am pl e i nvitatio n fo r a d an c i n g
class r ead s as fol lows :
The pleasu re o f
M c o mpany i s requ ested
as a me mbe r o f the F o rtni ghtly D ances to b e hel d
i n The A sto r G alle ry Wald o rf A sto ria o n Tu esday
,
-
,

eve n ings D e c 4 th an d 1 8th J an 8t h and 2 2 n d

, .
, .
,

F eb 5 th and 1 9 t h 1 9 00 1 9 0 1
.
,
-
.

C otilli o n fro m half past ni ne u nti l h alf—

-
p ast
twelve .

D ues p ayable befo re N ovembe r 1 s t .

Patronesses .

!H f l k d n a m es )
’
'

er e o l o w t o l a z es .

A s the m e mbersh i p is l i m ited an answer i s re ,

qu ested before M ay fi rst t o ,

!N am e a n d a d d r es s )
39
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

A sh eet o f c o up o ns acco mp ani es e ac h c a rd of

m e mbershi p . These vo u chers a re d ated an d o n e ,

i s detached si gned and p resented at the do o r o f

, ,

the h all whe re the d anc e takes p lace at e ach m eet ,

i n g o f the class The p rivi lege of i nvi ti ng gu ests

.

i s o cc asi o nally allowe d to th e m embe rs of the cl ass ,

u p o n p ayme nt of a sti p u lated s u m fo r e ach I n e ach .

c ase th e p erm iss io n of a patroness m ust be sec u red .

F o r an i nfo rm al d ance the i nvi tatio n s are se nt o u t

two weeks i n advanc e o f the e ntertai n ment fo r a ,

W h e n t o b al l th e earl i e r noti ficati o n of three

s e n d th e weeks is cu stom ary b ut where spec ial
,

im it at im ‘ s
costu m e is to b e a marked fe atu re of the
fu ncti on gu ests are hid d e n fo u r o r five weeks befo re
,

the d ate fixe d u p o n .

Whe re b achelo rs are th e hosts they n ever rep ,

”
rese nt the mselves as A t H o me i n an i nvitati o n
“
,

” ’
I n vi t at i o n s b u t requ est th e ho no r of the gu ests
f ro m p resen ce M rs S he rwo od i n h e r b o ok
. .
,

b a Ch e ’ m s ”
o n S o ci al U sage tells an am u s i n g
,

sto ry o f a yo u ng m an wh o was gu ilty of th i s fa ux

as an d receive d i n reply to hi s i nvitatio n M rs “
p , .

i s happy to he ar th at M r S o and S o is at ho me
.
,

and h opes th at he m ay re m ai n the re b u t of what ,

possibl e i n terest i s i t to M rs . The rep roof

’
was witty and well m e rited b ut what o f th e l ady s
,

own po l iteness ?
F o r a b al l o r la rge d ance whe re the p reparati ons
R e q u e s ti n g are o n a n extensive sc ale o n e m ay ask ,

i n v i t at i o n s an i nvi tati o n fo r a fri end i f that fri end

,

b e a d isti ngu ish ed per s on a yo u ng d anc in g man

,

40
INVITATI O NS AND ANNO UN CE MENT S

fo r who m o n e can answer o r so m e o ne wh o wil l

,

c o ntri bute to the b rilli a ncy o r ch arm of th e en ter

t ain m e n t ; b u t i f co u rteo u sly exp ressed a n ega ,

ti ve reply sh o u ld neve r give o ffe nce A hostess .

i s o fte n u nabl e to ask al l wh o m sh e h e rsel f wo ul d

l i ke to C onsi de ratio n fo r oth er gu e s ts sho u ld
.

p reve nt a too ge ne ro u s hospitali ty .

F o r a s i ngl e rec epti o n o r fo r a n afte r

,
Fo ? r

noo n e nte rtai nm e nt to i ntrod u c e a

d aughter to soc iety the fo rm O fi nvi ta t am e t e a
,

ti o n i s as fo llows
M rs G eo rge D e F o rest Wi nth rop
.

M i ss Wi nth rop
A t H o me
o n S atu rd ay J anu ary the s i xth
,

’
fro m fo u r u nti l seve n o clock
F i ve F i fth A ven u e
,

I t i s i n acco rd ance with cu sto m an d p rop ri ety

that a m othe r sh all i ncl ude i n he r i nvitati o ns fo r
’ ”
h e r d au ghter s co mi n g ou t re cepti o n th e so ns
“

o f all her fri en ds ; and ofte n a n i nti m ate fri e n d ,

k no w i ng c e rtai n yo u ng men fo r who m she can

vo u ch wi ll ask fo r i nvitati o ns fo r the m an d wi ll
, ,

e nclose wi th each o n e he r own vi siti ng c ard Wh e n -

.

”
a s eco nd d au g h te r i s i ntro d u ced he r n am e as
“
,

M iss S o and so Wi nthrop sh o u l d be placed b e

’
n e at h he r si ste r s i f she i s u n m arri ed
,
.

Whe n a l ady expects to recei ve o n two o r m o re

d ays i n a mo nth she u ses h e r V isiti ng ca rds wi th
,
-

the d ates e ngraved o r m o re i nform ally w ritten

, ,

41
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

i n o ne co rne r to app ri se he r fri e nd s o f th e fact .

He r c ard m ay al s o b e u sed to i nvite a few fri end s

In v i t at io n s fo r a s mall afternoo n tea a te nni s p arty
, ,

fo r“
D ay s o r any s i m pl e gath eri ng whe n o n e wo u ld
a t Ha m
"
e m ph a s iz e i n fo rm ality .

’
I nvitation s fo r receptio ns sho uld i ncl u d e o n e s
enti re ac qu ai ntanc e H esi tatio n i s s o meti m es felt
.

at aski n g pe rso n s i n m ou rn i ng F o r a few weeks

.

afte r a bereave ment i nvi tati ons wo u ld see m i ntru si ve ,

b u t after that peop le are p leased at b ein g re m e m

b ered N o respo nse sho u l d be expected fro m them
. .

E nclosed with a fo rm al c ard o f i nvi tati o n fo r a

recepti o n i s so m eti mes th e visiti ng c ard o f a m ar -

ri ed d au ghte r o r so m e othe r me mbe r o f th e fam i ly

closely i denti fie d with it .

Whe n reception s are given i n ho n o r o f s o m e

Re c e pt i o n s d istin gu ished gu est it
, is u su al to p re fac e
th e I nv i tat i o n Wi th the fo rm
0

in h o n o r ,

o f s p e c i al
To meet
gu e s t s
Th e H o n o rable Pete r S tirl in g
The m em be rs of a c l ub formed fo r s oci al p u r
In v i t at i o n s pos es are p rovi d e d with e n graved c ard s
to Clu b of i nvitatio n w ith bl anks to b e fil led in
, ,

re c e p t w n s
i n writi ng ; fo r example ,

M
requ ests the ple as u re o f

c om p any th e
’
at n i n e o clock pu n ctu ally
to m eet the Th u rsd ay E ven i n g C lu b
No R s v p . . . .

42
 INV ITATION S A ND ANN O UNCEMENT S

The i n iti a l s stan d i ng fo r the F ren ch wo rds ,

’ ”
R épo nd ez s i l vo u s plait a re go in g s o m ewh at
, ,

o u t o f fash i o n A S they are a r em i nd e r to b e

.

pol ite thei r o m i ss i o n i s pe rhaps in b ette r taste

, .

T h ey sho u l d not b e wri tte n i n fo u r c ap itals as i s ,

so metim es d o n e m ost i ncorrectly .

Th e eti quette gove rn i n g d i nn e r i nvitati on s i s

s im pl e b u t n ot always u ndersto od F o rei gne rs
,
.

vis iti n g u s won d e r at rec eivi n g in vi I n v i t at i o n s

-

t at io n s to di ne i n fo rm ally and fi n d
“
fo r

i n g an elabo rate e nte rtai n m e nt Th e d i n n e rs

.

ph ras e i s so m eti mes hon est so m eti mes an a ffecta ,

ti o n ; bu t th e fo r m o f the i nvitatio n sh o u ld con vey

plai nly th e sort of ente rtainm e n t th at on e m ay
exp ect an d d ress fo r The i nte rval betwee n the .

i nvitati o n and th e d in ne r is als o an i ndi cati o n .

Two weeks i s the cu stomary ti m e o f n otificati o n

befo re a d in ne r altho u gh d u ri n g the hei gh t o f the
,

seaso n whe re i t i s des i rable to se c u re W h e n

,
to
so m e spec i al gu est a clever hostess wi ll, s en d

s o meti mes anti cipate the u s u al i nterval i n v i t t i o n s a

f“ a
by a d ay o r two and so gai n p reced en ce
,
din er ,

n
fo r h er I nv i tat i on .

F o r a n i nfo rmal d i nner b reakfast o r l u ncheo n , , ,

th e i nvi tati o ns m ay b e defe rre d u nti l withi n a week

of the ti m e set fo r the entertai n ment — o r b ette r , ,

ten d ays to allow fo r regrets and s u bstitu ti ons

, .

F o r c ere moni o u s d i nne rs th e e n F o r m o f

graved card i s u sed like that fo r recep i it at iO "
,
nv

fo r mo
izf lz
’
tio n s Th e gu est s n ame the h o u r and
'

.
,
n
d ate are writte n i n by hand d i n n e rs .

43
ETIQUETTE F O R A LL OCCASIONS

M r and M rs E ll iot C arleto n

. .

requ est the p leas u re o f

co mp any at di nner
on
’
at o clock
N i ne G ram e rcy Park ,

Perso n s who en tertai n o ften keep these blank ,

fo rms to be filled i n u p o n o ccas ion They are .

”
tech nically calle d en graved blank c ards
“
an d ,

are fo u nd very co nven ie nt The p arti cu lar n atu re

.

o f the entertai n ment i s written i n the l o w e r le ft

h an d c o rner .

W r i tt e n F o r a l es s fo rm al d i nn e r th e hoste ss
i m i t at i o n s wo u l d write as fol low s
M r and Mrs E l l iot C arleto n
. .

wo u l d be happy to s ee
M r and M rs B lank
. .

at di n ne r o n Wednesd ay
,

Janu ary th e twe n ty fou rth -

’
at ei ght o clock
Janu ary th e tenth
T h e note p ap er u su ally has th e ad d re s s bu t i f
-
,

i t be ar o nly th e fam ily arms o r c re s t the add ress

shou ld be written i n
T h e u s u al
.

i n vi t at i o n F o r an i n form al l ittl e d in ne r and ,

fo r a l it t l e i ndeed o n m ost o rd i nary occasio ns ,

d i n n e r th e hostess writes
M Y D EAR M R S LI VI N GS TO N
.
,

Wi l l yo u and M r L ivi n gsto n give u s the pleas

.

u re of you r c o mpany at d i nne r o n Wed n esd ay

44
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

F o r an afte rn oo n m u si cal e whi ch i s always ,

m o re i n fo rmal th an a n eve n i n g fu ncti o n a ,

hostess u ses he r vi siti n g c ard to n oti fy he r fri end s

-

of h e r d esi re fo r thei r p rese nc e I n th e l owe r l eft .

co rn er is writte n eithe r s i m ply th e wo rd M u si c

o r the chi ef featu re Of the e ntertai n ment to b e
give n addi n g betwee n what h o u rs th e gu ests are
,

expected O r less fo rm ally S h e m ay write a b ri ef

.
,

m essage on h er card ; as fo r i nstance Wi ll yo u, ,

“

co m e i n o n We d nesd ay afternoon fo r a c u p O f tea

and to hear a l ittle m u sic — o r to hear M r
si n g — w h i ch I thi nk yo u will enj oy ?
, , Th e
sam e ru les are followed fo r other hosp ital iti es ; th e
” ”
words Pri vate T h e atri cals
“
C ard s , R ecita ,
“

”
tio ns etc i nd i cati n g the natu re o f the e ntertai n
, .

m ent .

A ho us e party req u i res s u ch ca refu l s electi o n

In vi t at i o n s of gu ests t h at i nvitati ons m ay b e gi ven
fo r h o u s e at any ti me that wi ll i ns u re thei r acc ept

Pai t ie s an ce by th e p erso ns desi red

‘

I n i nviti n g fri end s t o V i s i t u s fo r seve ral d ays ,

we n o w i mitate the E ngli sh frankn ess an d state

plai nly how lo n g th e vi si t i s to l ast I t i s ki nd .

to b e expli cit and eve ry o n e u nd erstands that i n

,

o rde r to p la n fo r othe r gu ests defin ite arrange

m ents are nec ess ary .

S h o u ld the hostess leave th e m atte r i n u n ce r

tai nty the V i sito r i n hi s reply to the i nvitatio n
,

sho u ld m enti o n the len gth o f th e i ntended V i si t .

”
The wo rd s ho u se party are n eve r u se d i n
“

an i nvitatio n The hostess writes

. I am aski n g ,
“

46
 INV ITATI O N S AN D ANN O UN CE ME N T S

a few frie nd s etc S h e u su ally m enti ons the

, .

friend s who are expected and s u ggests t h e sp orts

,

an d pasti mes th at the p lace a ffo rd s t h at i t m ay be ,

kn own what d ress wi l l be requ i red A ti m e table .

-

i s o fte n enclosed with the i nvitati on i nd i cati ng the ,

trai n o r b oat to b e tak en o r o ffe ri n g a sel ectio n

, .

A ll i nvitati o ns are gi ven i n the n am e o f the lady

o f the ho u se tho u gh a m an m ay n ot h es itate of
, ,

co u rs e to acc ept the i nvitatio n o f h i s host

, It .

i s m o re co u rteo u s i f th at gentlem an i nclu de h i s

’
wi fe s n ame when givi ng th e i nvitati o n .

Whe n bi d d in g gu ests to a gard en p arty th e

m ost c are fu l an d d etai led i nfo rm ati on sh o u l d b e
given abo u t trai ns and conveyanc es G a r den ,

m e ntion i ng th e ho u r fo r the retu rn as p ar ti e s

well as for the a rrival o f gu ests .

Wh e n an op era o r theatre p arty i s i n c onte m

p l at io n th e sam e n um ber of m e n and wo m en are
,

i nvited a week o r a fo rtnight be fo re th e

,

eve n ing d eci d e d u po n Th e ente rtai n

.

m ent e ithe r begi ns with a d i nn e r or e n d s

with a su p pe r E ngraved i nvi tati o n s a re n ever u sed
.

fo r s u ch hospital ities b u t a fri end ly i nfo rm al n ote

, ,

shou l d gi ve all p ossi bl e i nfo rm atio n that is l ik e l y '

to b e d esi red N o m ention n eed necessarily b e

.

m ad e o f the s upp e r u nless amo n g i n

, ti m ate fri end s .

It i s taken fo r grante d i f the re is n o i nvitati o n fo r

d i nne r I f the pe rfo r m ance i s to be at th e O pe ra
.

a wom an is glad o f a hi nt wh ethe r th e s eats are to

b e i n th e o rch estra o r i n a box .

I f a m an i nvites a theatre p arty h e sec u res th e ,

47
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

ch ape ro n fi rst an d menti o ns h e r n am e i n th e othe r

,

i nvitatio ns .

V e rbal i nvi tati o ns are apt to p lace a p e rso n i n

a n e mb arrassi n g pos itio n O n e S ho u ld al w ays b e
.

given th e ch ance to d ecl i ne O fc o u rs e .

,

am o ng i nti mate frie nds al l s u c h c o n

si de rati ons are i n abeyan ce Where a .

verb al i nvitati o n h as bee n accepte d i t i s always

'

wi se to s en d a few l i nes by way of re m i nder stat ,

i n g the d ay an d h ou r o f the entertai n men t .

I nvitati o n s by teleph o ne are fo u nd to o c o n ve n

ie n t n ot to b e pop u lar b u t they are , ,
I n vi t at i o s
n

by t e l e p h o n e o f c o u rse o n,ly u se d a m on g i nti m ate

fri end s .

F o rm al betroth al an n ou nceme nts a re chi efly i n

favo r am on g p erso ns o f G e rman p arentage o r
B e t ro t h a l d esc ent I m ight whispe r i n very s m al l
.
,

an n o u n c e p ri nt th at possibly with u s the u n stab le

,

m en t s
n atu re o f an e n gagem ent m ak es u s
d ep recate too m u ch pu bl ici ty .

N otic e o f a betrothal i s sent by the yo u n g

’
wom an s p arents to thei r fri ends whi l e th e p ro ,

s p e c t ive bride gro o m ac qu ai nts h is frie nds wi th th e

news o f h i s h ap pi ness at least s i x weeks before th e

,

m ar r i age ; the card s bei ng e n graved as fol lows

M r and M rs G u stav M u lle r
. .

have the pleasu re to an n o u nc e

th e betrothal o f thei r d au ghte r
F riede
to
M r A lb r echt vo n Z eller
.
.

48
INV ITATI ONS AN D ANN O UN CEMENT S

Th e c ard s ent by th e yo u n g m an states that h e “

h as th e h o no r to an nou nc e h i s betroth al to Mi ss
F rie d e M u lle r d au ghte r O f M r and M rs G u stav
, . .

M ul le r
.

I t i s a c u sto m favo red by s o m e pe rsons to an

no u nc e to the i r ac qu ai ntanc e the news o f th e b i rth
of a ch ild A ti ny c ard beari n g the A n n o u n c
.

n am e O f th e new arri val i s tied by a n ar in g bi rt h

° f a Ch i ld
row whi te ribbon to a la rge r card u po n
whi ch are e ngraved th e names o f the p arents A .

c ard sh o u ld b e sent at o n ce u p on i ts recei pt w ith ,

”
the wo rd C o ngrat u lati o ns writte n u p o n i t o r
“
,

so me exp ressio n that m ay b ri efly convey to the

happy p are nts that o n e rej o ices with the m ; b u t
a note an no u n ci n g the j oyo u s e vent — wh i ch i s
the u su al notifi catio n amo n g fri en ds — sh ou ld b e
answered by a note written wi th h earty ki nd ly
, ,

sym p athy .

The style of i nvitatio n u sed fo r wedd in g ann i

ve rs ar ie s i s the regul ar A t H o m e c ard with
“
,

th e m o n o gram stamped i n gold o r I n v i t at i o n s

silve r — fro m a di e — at the top i n fo r ,

th e centre with the date o f the m ar w e d f

,
i in g

x
a
riage and th e p resent d ate engraved
is; ,

o n eithe r s ide The wo rd s G ol de n

.
“

”
Weddi n g , S ilver Wedd i ng d o not appear the
“
, ,

ti nctu re o f th e m o nogram s u ggests the m The .

’
m ai de n nam e of th e wi fe an d th e h u sband s fu l l
n am e are e ngraved either at th e top o r botto m
O f the i nvitati on .

49
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

DL
M r a n d M rs J o h n D arby
. .

At H o m e
o n Tu esd ay D e cem be r the te n th
,

’
fro m e igh t u nti l ten o clo ck
E i ghty F i fth A ven u e
Joh n D arby Jo a n L ovej o y

I nvi tat io n s fo r ch ri sten i ngs are rarely e ngraved .

A fo r m al n ote re qu esting the h on o r O f th e

I vi t at i o n s p resence o f th e g u est at the ch ri sten
n

f r a
o i n g o r a fri end ly c omm u ni cati o n wri tte n
,

C h ’iS t e n in g
by the m othe r o r i n her n ame are th e
, ,

u s u al m od es o f notificati on .

It i s not p e r m itted by eti quette to i nvite a h u s

band withou t h i s wi fe o r a wi fe wi th o u t h e r
In v i t i n g hu sb and w h ere both are accessi ble
, ,

m a ri e d
r howeve r regrettable the fact th at th e
p e r s m ’s attracti o ns of op p os ites i s respon sibl e
fo r s o m e ve ry i nc o n gr u o u s p ai ri n g E sp ec i al ly at
.

d i nners are we c onsci o u s th at m arri e d p eop le are

ofte n m ated n ot m atch ed
, .

I nvitati ons fo r wedd i ngs b alls recepti ons and

, , ,

fo rm al d i nners a re ad d ressed to M r and M rs . .

A d d re s s b ut a n ote o f i nvitati o n writte n by

i n;

’n w t a t ’o n s
the hostess to the wi fe is of c o u rse ad

d ressed o n the e nvelop e to th e l ady

o nly althou gh i t i nclu d es h e r h u sband Thi s i s
, .
,

strange to s ay not always u nderstood

, .

Where two s isters a re i nvited by n ote th e el de r ,

i s add ressed and th e you nge r i nclu ded .

50
INVITATIONS AN D ANNOUNCEMENT S

I nvitati o ns are se nt to The M i sses wh ere

th e re i s mo re tha n o ne dau g h te r i n the ho u sehol d .

Wi t h this e xcep tio n it is p rop e r to se nd a sep arate

i nvitati o n to e ach m e mbe r o f a fam i ly resi d in g at
the s a me ad d ress . Th e M ess rs i s O bsolete
. .

It h as always bee n tho u ght that the m ost c o u r

t e o u s way of s en di ng i nvitati on s i s by c arri er b u t ,

as i t i nvolves m u ch tro u ble and expense S e n di n g

and m i stakes have s o fre qu ently o c t h e in v i
t at im s
c u rred i t i s n ow u n i ve rsally co n ced ed
,

to be e nti rely c o rrect to se nd the m by m ail I n

-
.

su c h c ase i nvi tatio ns fo r ce re mo ni o u s fu n ctio ns are

enclosed i n e xtra e nve l opes wh ich receive th e,

stam p and fu l l ad d ress ; the i nne r e nvel op es bear

i n g bu t th e n am e are left u nseal ed .

I n c as e o f a d eath serio u s i l ln ess o r acc ident

, , ,

the i nvitatio ns m ay be recalle d fo r a wed d i n g re

c e tio n or oth e r fo rm al entertai nm en t
p
by se nd i ng to the gu ests s m all c a rd s i n v i t a t i o s n

explai ni n g th e s itu ati o n i n few wo rds .

Th e c ards m ay b e wri tten o r p ri nted i n sc ript the ,

wo rd i ng so mewhat as follows
O wi n g to a d eath i n th e fa m i l y ,

M r an d M rs B rayto n L ee wil l b e
. .

u nable to rece ive thei r fri ends o n

F ri d ay J an u ary the tenth
, .

It i s a n i nfl exible r u l e th at a n in vi An s w e r
f
ug
t at io n fo r a di n ne r lu ncheon b reak fast
, , , ,

t at o n S a l l

o r theatre party shou ld be answered

-

wi thi n tw enty fo u r hou rs

-
Th ere s h ou ld b e the
.

51
 I LIQ I .

best p oss ible reaso n fo r d el ay i f m o re than a ,

day o r two elapse betwee n the i nvitati on and

the reply .

I nvitati on s fo r recepti ons wed di n g c erem on i es

,

at ch u rch an d aftern oo n teas req u i re n o ac k n o w l

,

In vi t at i o n s e d gm e n t ; the p resence o f the pe rson

r e qu i r i n g i nvited serves as an acceptan ce Th e .

n o a n s w e rs
i nvitatio n to the c hu rch ce rem o ny i s
li ttle m or e th an an anno u nce ment O fth e m arri age .

If u n abl e to atte nd an afternoo n te a o r re cepti o n

to wh ich o ne i s b id d en cards are sent e ncl o s ed i n
,

e nvel op es o n the d ay of the e ntertai n me nt i f poss i ,

ble wh ile it i s i n p ro gres s .

I t i s a safe ru l e th at whenever it wo u ld see m to

’
b e a c o nven i ence to o n e s hostess to kn ow h o w
m any gu ests to expect to sen d an an swe r
, .

F o rm s o f R ep l i es sho u l d be writte n i n the s am e

r e p ly t o style and degree O f fo rm ality as th e
im it a t im s
i nvitati o n u si n g the fi rst o r thi rd per
,

so n as the rei n e m ployed .

I n accepti n g an i nvitati o n o ne sho u l d say

, It ,
“

”
gives m e m u c h pleasu re to ac cept etc n ot i t , ,

”
w il l give
. The i nvitati o n i s accepted
Ikc c e p t
when o ne p ro m is es to be p rese nt The .

an c e s
day and h o u r m enti oned i n the i nvita
ti o n shou ld b e repeated i n th e acceptanc e I t .

gi ves ass u rance to the hostess th at there has bee n

n o m istake o r m isu nde rstand ing It i s a c o m mo n .

gram matical erro r to s ay I t gives my h u sb an d

,
“

”
an d myself m u ch pleasu re to accept etc O n e , .

”
cann ot s ay ,
“
It gives myself .

52
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

expl ain in g he r reason i f h e r i nti m acy wi th her

,

hostess warrant i t I f that lady the n wi sh es to

.

i nvite her alon e s he m ay accept A m an m ay d o

, .

li kewi se .

When regrets are necessary they sh o uld be se n t,

i m med iately u p o n rec eipt o f the i nvi tati o n S o m e .

p erso ns thi nk that a ta rdy regret c o n

R e gre t s
veys th e i m p re ssio n of rel u ctanc e as ,

’
tho ugh o n e c ou ld n ot resi gn o ne s sel f qu ickly to
the d isappo i ntm ent I t i s a fo rm o f m ock p oliteness
.

l ittle app reci ated by the i mpatie nt hostes s We .

”
n o l o nge r present o u r compl i ments
“
b u t s ay ,

qu ite s i mp ly ,

M rs F i eld regrets th at a previo u s en gagem ent

.

p reve nts h e r acceptance of M rs G ri swo ld s ch arm .

’

i n g i nvitatio n fo r l u ncheon o n Wed ne s d ay Jan u ary ,

the tenth .

A n i nvitati o n an d reply gai n so m ewh at i n e le

gance whe n the na mes occ u py e ac h an e nti re
l in e
.

I f i t be d esi re d to co nvey the idea of real regret ,

o ne m ay say ,

M rs .F i el d
’
r egret s s i nc erely he r i n ab i l ity to accept
’
M rs G ri swold s
.

ve ry tem pti ng i nvitatio n fo r Tu es day

even i n g A nothe r engagement m u st
.

d ep rive he r O f th e plea s u re .

54
 I N V I T AT I O N S A N D A N N O U N C E M E N T S

A b it fu lso m e pe rh aps bu t o ne e asi ly fo rgives

, ,

any ove r app rec i ati o n o f a ki n d ness Thos e wh o

-
.

e ntertai n m ost u su al ly i nfus e m u ch co rd i ality i n

,

thei r re s po nses It i s s o m eti m es notic ed that the

.

po l iteness i s m o re effu s ive whe n the exc u s e fo r a

re gret i s not app aren t We c an all sym path iz e
.

with the yo u n g m an wh o telegraphed hi s re gret to

h i s host : V ery so rry C an not co m e N o l i e
“
. .

ready ! A l as we m ay n ot ec o no m iz e o u r p olite
,

ness thou gh tru th be at stake !

,

I t is sai d with so m e j u stic e that i t i s n ot n e c e s

s ary to m ake any exc uses fo r a regret and that they ,

are go i n g o u t of fashi o n si nce the p e rs o n gi vi n g

,

th e i nvitati o n u s u ally o nly desi res to k now wheth e r

o r not i t i s acc epted th e reaso n s bei ng m atte rs of
,

i nd i ffe re nce i n vi ew of the fact

, .

I t i s an arbitrary ru l e perhap s b u t o n e san c

, ,

t io n e d by c u sto m to add ress th e answe r to an

,

i nvitati o n to the lady o f the h o us e eve n wh en it i s ,

o ne i n wh ic h h e r h u sband j oi ns .

I nvitati on s to s ubsc ri ptio n d ances are Re p l i e s t o

ack nowled ge d to the persons to wh o m i m i t at i o n s
to s u b
o n e is i nd ebted fo r thei r recei pt To s c rip t i o n .

those fro m a b all — com m i ttee o n e an d an c e s

s w e rs ,

M r B la nk accept s with p leas u re the C o m mi t

.

’
tee s kin d i nvitatio n etc , .

It is al ways wise to keep o ne s i nvita P re s e rv e ’

tions u nti l afte r th e fu nction O n e m ay ’

t w
v t at o n
.

In I i
h ave occ as i o n to refe r to the m to ver i fy
’
a d ate o r exc u se o ne s sel f fo r a s u pposed m istake .

55
ETI Q UETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

To ask a friend to co m e s o m eti m e is equ ivalent

to n o i nvitatio n at all A s a ru l e any ti m e m eans
.
,

n o ti m e To o m any wel l mean i n g pe rs on s are

.
-

i mp o l ite with o u t knowi n g it .

N o on e howeve r i nti m ate sho ul d i nvite h i msel f

, ,

anywhere Th e d esi re m ay be s o tact

.

In v i t i n g
fu lly c onveye d that it m ay o r m ay not
o n e s s e lf
’

be taken advantage of witho ut betray

i ng the feel i ngs o f e ithe r party .

S o meti mes a l ady not h avi ng a large c i rcl e o f

acqu ai ntance s o r co m i n g as a stran ge r to a p lac e
, ,

B o rro w i n g b u t who d esi res to give a d anc e fo r he r

a v is it in g d au ghte r o r to d o ho no r to s o m e d i s
“S t
t in gu is h e d gu est borrow s th e vis i ti n g
,

l ist o f a fri e nd so c i ally well known The c ard o f th e .

l ady who thu s stand s spo nso r m ust b e e nc l ose d

with the i nvitati on and the lady her s el f ai d s th e
,

hostess i n receivi n g the gu ests .

O n n o ac co u nt sh ou l d a n i nvitatio n b e l ightly
th rown ove r fo r so me l ate r s uggestio n th at O ffers
,

Ho n o r
a m o re te mpti ng p ro s pect S om e pe r .

in k e e p i n g so ns apparently feel at li berty to m ake

e n ga ge an d b reak e ngagem e nts acco rd i n g to
m en ’ s
m oo d a nd c ap ric e which i s not o n l y e x e
'

c r ab l y bad fo rm b u t reveals a selfish d i s regard fo r

,

the c o nven i ence o f oth er s .

A w om an n eve r accept s an i nvitatio n to a ho u se

fo r a c all o r vis it fro m a m an alone Tho ugh he m ay .

tel l h e r that h is s isters are al l anxiety to know he r ,

they m ay exp ress the e age rness i n a n ote o f

i nvitati on wh i ch shou ld b e d istinctly c o rd i al .

56
INVITATIONS AND ANNO UN CEMENTS

I f we are o verlo oked wh i le o thers are i nvited let ,

u s b e slow to wrath and take only th e reveng e of

,

m akin g ou rselves so agre eabl e wh e n we S e lf

m eet tho se w h o h ave s o sl ighted u s th at r e s p e c t i n g
,

b e h av m
thei r regret shall b e m o re p o i gn ant th an
o u r own F o r a th oro u ghly s atisfacto ry reven ge
.
,

there i s noth in g bette r than coals o f fi re

57
Cb ap t e r F o u r t b W E D D 1 N G I N V I _

T A T I O N S AN D A N N O U N C E M E N T S

NVI TA TI O N S fo r a wed d i n g ge n
e ra l l y i nc l u d e the en ti re ac qu ai n t
ance O f both the fa m i l ies c o n
c erned b u t are always i ss u ed by
,

th at o f th e brid e fro m two to fou r ,

we eks befo re th e ce rem o ny .

T hei r p res ent fo rm an d fash io n i s a l arge s heet

o f he avy E nglish pape r al most s qu are ab o u t seven
, ,

an d a hal f i n ches lon g by s i x and a qu arte r i nch es

b ro ad eithe r wh ite c rea m ti nted o r p al e s t gray
, ,
-
, ,

fold in g o nc e t o fi t th e e nvelope U po n th i s i s .

e n graved i n s c ri pt o r O l d E nglish an d occ asio n ally ,

in block letteri n g the i nvitati o n to th e c e rem ony

, ,

e n closi ng a c ard ab ou t half its S iz e fo r th e rece p

, ,

tio n o r wedd i ng b reakfast S i mpl ici ty and ele

-
.

ganc e ch aracterize them N O colo red arm s o r .

i nitials are eve r seen and h isto ric fam ili es are
,

u su ally the o nly on es wh o u se c rests withou t

i nviti n g c ritici s m These a re embossed i n wh ite at
.

the to p o f the sh eet as i s d o n e occasi on ally with

,

’
the i niti al o f the b rid e s fam ily The plai n sheet .
,

howeve r is m ore fash ionable

,
.

”
The p refix M i ss i s n eve r pl aced b efo re th e
“

yo u n g wo man s nam e b u t Mr i s u sed i nvariably

’
, .
”

58
 WEDDING INVITATIONS

be fo re that o f the man wh ic h i s give n i n fu ll with

,

ou t i niti als O fli c e rs i n the regu lar army a n d n avy

.

above the rank O f l i e utenant h ave thei r title s p re

fixed in fu ll o n i nvi tatio ns A li eu tenant u s es the
, .

”
p refix M r H i s rank an d b ranc h o f se rvi c e a re
.

e ngrave d i n a l i n e beneath h i s nam e H o n o rary .

title s are neve r u sed b ut fo r a c le rgym a n the

,

wo rd R eve re nd is give n i n fu ll .

I t i s now c o nsi d ered mo re elegant to add ress the

gu e s t i n the thi rd p e rson rathe r than i n the sec o nd
,

as h e retofo re leavi n g a blank fo r th e C o rr e c t

,

name which i s filled i n by hand I t i s w o r di n g o f

, .

im it at im ‘ s
the m o re c ou rtly fo rm and the writte n
,

name seem s to S ho w a mo re pe rso nal tho u ght fo r

eac h gu est tho u gh the o l de r m anne r is s till co r r ect
, .

The fo rm u la i s

M r and M rs John C heste r L l oyd

. .

requ est the ho no u r o f

5

p r e s e nc e at the marri age o f th ei r d au ghte r

F lorenc e
and
M r J ame s B arrett Wo od
.

o n Wed nesday A pril th e fifth

,

’
at twelve o clock
’
at S t B artholomew s C h u rc h
.

I f the i nvitati ons are to b e sent to acqu ai ntances

i n othe r places the n a me of the town o r S tate i s
,

ad ded In N ew Yo rk i t is u su ally o m itted p rob

.
,

59
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

ably fo r t h e s ame reaso n that E nglish m en resent

th e wo rd E nglan d be i n g add e d afte r L o nd on ”

u po n th e add ress of a lette r .

C a r d s fo r When a ch u rc h wed d i n g i s followed

w edd
i g
re c e p t i o n s
n
by a recepti on a c a rd i s e ncl os ed wi th
,

an d
the a I t at l o n to the c e re m o ny In ,

b re akfas t s c r i bed ,

M r and M rs J oh n C he s te r L loyd
. .

At H o me
o n We d ne sd ay A p ri l the fifth
,

’
at fo u r o clock
N i nety F i fth A ve
-
.

Or i t m ay rep eat th e wo rd i ng o f th e wedd in g

,

i nvitatio n s u bsti tuti ng the phrase

, the pleas “

”
u re O f yo u r com pany fo r the h o no u r O f yo u r “

”
p resen ce .

F o r a b reak fast s u c ceed i n g a noo n wed din g the ,

l atte r fo rm i s pre fe rred .

F ashi o nabl e p reced ent th u s far e nd o rses the

R S V p o n i nvitati o ns fo r wedd i n g breakfasts
. . . .

whe re th e gu ests are t o b e seated and se rved at

table o r th e m o re el egant E n gli sh fo rm i s s u b s ti
,

”
t ute d : The favo u r o f a n answe r i s req u ested
“
.

We c an not b u t thi nk that i t i s b ec au se su ch wed

d i n g b reakfasts are a com paratively n ew fo rm of
e ntertai n m ent am on g u s that we sho u ld ne ed to be
”
re m i nded o f ou r m an ne rs .

To i ns u re t h e rese rvati o n O fth e ch u rch fo r those

i nvited and exclu de an i n qu i sitive p u bl ic i t i s u s u al ,

60
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

trai ns are always e ncl ose d with the i nvitat i o n s s ent

to frie nd s at a d istanc e ; as fo r examp le , ,

A sp eci al trai n wi ll le ave th e G rand

C e ntral S tation N ew Yo rk o n the N e w, ,

Yo rk N ew H aven and H artfo rd R ai l ro ad

, ,

at th ree thi rty P M R etu rni ng wi ll leave . .

,

R o s e l e igh M ano r at five fo rty fi ve P M -

. .

Please p resen t thi s c ard at the s tati o n

d oo r and to the c o nd u cto r .

Thi s i n li e u of a tic k e t . Or this fo rm ,

S peci al cars reac hi n g G rafton at twelve

,

’
o clo ck wi ll be attac he d to th e H a rt fo rd
,

e xp re s s leavi n g the G rand C entral S ta

,
’
ti o n at te n O clock R etu rni n g spec i al .
,

c ars wi ll b e attached to the trai n le avi ng

G ra fto n at th re e thi rty .

I n s o m e cases a l u nch eo n i s served o n the t rai n ,

i n co u rses o n the u su al s m al l tables O f c o u rse

, .

c arri ages wi ll b e i n waiti ng to convey the gu ests

to th e ho u se .

Thi rty ye ars ago a wed di n g i nvitatio n always

e ncl osed th e c ards o f b rid e and gro om tied to gethe r
’
wi th a tr u e lovers knot of na rro w white ri bb on
-
.

’
O n the lady s card the n ame wa s mo d estly ve i led
by the card o f th e b rid egroo m whi ch b ei ng , ,

sm aller was pl aced o n th e o u ts id e Th is fash ion

, .

lasted m any years .

O n e yo u ng A me rican gi rl i n Paris ai m i ng at ,

novelty h ad th e n am e o n he r card e ngraved with

,

62
 WEDDING INVITATIONS

a l i ne d rawn thro u gh it i n d icati n g th at M i s s

,
’
had d i sapp eare d from the W o rl d s ken .

’
A wi d owe r s n am e app e ars alo ne i n a wed di n g
i nvitati o n fo r h is d au ghte r I n c ase a b ri d e were an
.

o rph an the i nvitatio ns wo u ld be iss u ed i n W h e r e t h e

,

th e na m e of he r eld es t bachelo r b roth e r b r id e is a n ,

b ut the rece ptio n wo u l d b e give n by a o r p h an o r

h am m p h an
m arrie d s iste r o r othe r rel ative o r by
so m e i nti m ate fri e n d o f th e fam ily F ai l i ng a b ach .

c l o r b rothe r a m arri ed b rother an d his wi fe i n thei r

, ,

j oi nt n ames o r a m arri ed sister an d h e r hu sband

,

wou l d e xten d the i nvitati o ns I f these to o b e .

lackin g he r grandp arents au nt o r i f witho u t rel a

, , , ,

tive s he r gu ard ian wou ld m ake th e o f

, ,
f
i ci al a n

n o u n c e m e n t o f the i nte nded n u pti al s .

Where a wi d ow rem arries he r nam e i s aec o m ,

~

”
p a n ie d by th e p refix M rs tho u gh as h as , bee n ,

s ai d a gi rl i s n ever called M i ss o n R e m ar
,
“

h e r wed d in g ca rd s ; otherwise th e fo rm i s r iage o f a

w ’ d °w
the s am e When th e co ntracti n g parties
.

the mselves send the anno un c e me nt o f thei r m ar

riage i t reads
, ,

M rs Mari an B ro n s o n
.

and
M r W arre n A th erton
.

have th e ho no u r to anno u n ce the i r m arri ag e

o n Tu esd ay J anu ary th e seco n d
,

’
at twelve o c lo ck
G rac e C hu rc h
A t a wedd i n g to which o nly th e fami ly and cl ose
friends are i nvited it is c u sto m ary to sen d th e
,

63
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

an no u n ce me nts by m ai l i m med iately afte r th e

,

cere mo ny .

I nvitati o ns fo r a h ou se weddi n g are e n graved as

fo r a ch u rc h c erem ony bu t the pleasu re o f the
,
“

’ ”

In v i t at i o n s gu est s co mp any i s requ ested i nstead

fo r o f th e m o re stately form of aski ng the
m use “
ho no u r of th e p resence o f th ose in ”

w e ddi n gs
v it e d,
whi ch i s th ou ght to app ro p ri
ately belon g to the m o re c e re mo n io u s fu ncti o n .

R ecepti o n and b reakfast i nvitati o n c a r ds are

never i ss u ed whe re th e wedd i n g takes place at
’
the b rid e s ho m e a s they
, foll ow th e
Anno um _

in g t h e ce re m o ny i nvari ably .

m a rr i a ge Pare nts wo u l d annou nc e th e re m ar

o i a
ri age o f a d au ghte r thu s
w id o w e d
,

d a u gh t e r
M r and M rs Walto n B ell
. .

h ave th e ho n o u r !o r p le as u re ) to an no u nce
the m arriage o f thei r d au ghte r
D o rothy

! M rs H a
. rold d e Peyste r )
to
M r Joh n B ai rd L ivi n gston
.

o n Tue s d ay J u n e the eleventh N i netee n h u nd red

, ,

Pari s

I t is a qu estio n wh ethe r the ho nou r o f s u ch an

’
ann ou nce m ent is n ot an a s su m ptio n o n the p arents
part .

N ames of streets are n eve r abb revi ated and ,

add resses are n o lon ge r given i n n um e rals .

64
 WEDDING INVITATIONS

It i s a fash i o n rapi dly gai ni n g favo r to send wi th ,

th e wed din g i nvi tation s and an nou nce T h e b r i d e s ’

’
m e nts a c ard givi n g th e b ri de s futu re n ew

a dd re s s
add res s and rec eptio n d ay thu s ,

At H o m e
Tu esd ays afte r Jan u ary tenth
,

N i neteen West F i ftieth S treet

,

N ew Yo rk
NO n am e p reced es the fo rm u la si n ce no s u ch pe r
,
’
so n exists as i s re prese nted by the b ri de s m arri e d
n am e at the ti m e that the i nvitatio n is sent .

I n wri ti n g i nvitations fo r an i nfo rm al ho u se

wedd in g to whi ch few are b id d en th e wo rd ing ,

d i ffers acco rdi n g to the d egree of in

t im ac y with the p ersons ad d ressed .

’
'

T he d u ty d evolves u pon the b r i de s

’
m other To a fri e nd o r relative o f th e b ri degro o m s
.

with whom she was n ot well ac qu ai nted S h e wo u ld

write so mewhat as follows
MV D EA R MR S LEE .
,

It wi ll give my h u sband an d m e m u ch pl easu re

.

i f yo u and M r L ee will co m e to th e ve ry qu i et
.

m arri age o f o u r dau ghter J e an and yo u r n ep h ew

M r C harles Le e !d ate and h o u r) We are aski ng
. .

b u t a few frie nd s and hop e t o welcom e yo u an d

,

M r L ee amo n g t h em
. .

C o rdially yo u rs .

C arefu l lists h avi n g bee n p rep ared of th e enti re

acqu ai ntanc e of both fam i lies that n o o n e b e
,

5 65
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

overlooked th e i nvitati o ns are se nt o ut abo u t th ree

, ,

weeks i n ad van ce o f the ti m e set fo r the m ar

S e n di g
n
r iage e ithe
, r by m essen ge r o r m ai l .

th e I f sent by p ost each i nvi tati on i s e n

,

im it at im ‘ s
cl osed u nse al ed i n a s econ d e nvelope .

I n se nd i n g w ed di n g i nvitati o ns to a fam i ly o f ad ults ,

o ne sh ou ld b e add resse d to the p arents o ne to the ,

d au ghte rs i nclu sive a s The M i sses and o n e to

, ,

e ac h o f th e s ons Th ese i nvi tati o ns sh o u ld be e n

.

cl ose d i n s ep arate e nvel opes an d m ay b e pl aced ,

i n a large o ne add ressed to the head o f th e ho u se .

A s a m att e r o f c ou rtesy i nvitations are sent to

,

’
the b ri degro o m s i m m ed i ate fami ly .

”
M r an d M rs Jon es an d F am ily are n o lon ge r
. .

s o d esi gn ated . I f th e p resence of th e m i no r

ch i ld ren i s d es i red i nvi tati ons are se nt to them
, .

I n n o c ase i s i t p erm iss ible to i nvite a h u sb and

witho u t h i s wi fe o r a wi fe witho ut he r h u sb and i f
, ,

both are ac cessi ble .

The d i sti nctio n b etwee n friends an d acqu ai nt

anecs i s m ade i n e nclosi n g o r withh old ing th e
receptio n c ard th o u gh th e s ize of the h ou se
,

ofte n determi ne s the m atte r A b reakfast n arrows .

the ci rcle u su ally to m o re i nti m ate fri ends Wh en

, ,
.

be reavemen t o r i llness n ecessi tates the recal l o f

gene ral i nvitati o ns cards pri nted i n s c ri pt !as de
,

sc rib ed in th e foregoi n g ch apte r) are sent to all the

i nvited guests Those whose p resenc e is d es i red
.

at th e ce rem ony are then noti fied by l ette r .

C e rem o ni ou s wedd in g i nvi tati on s requ i re n o

answe r u nless they b e fo r a b reakfast wh e re a
,

66
 WEDDING INVITATIONS

seat i s to be p rovi ded fo r e ach gu est bu t a call ,

sho u ld be m ad e soo n after th e ce re mo ny c er ,

t ain l y withi n two weeks u po n the An s w e ri n g

,

’
b ri d e s m oth e r o r u po n thos e i n who se w e dd i n g
,

im it a t im ’s
n ames the i nvitati o ns are i ssu ed The .

b rid e shou ld be called u po n whe n i t i s known ,

wh e re sh e m ay b e fo u nd C ards are s ent o n the

.

day o f the fu nctio n by those u n able to atte nd th e

recepti on ad d ressed to those m aki n g the i nvita
,

ti o n The b ri de not bei n g the ho s te s s has n o

.
, ,

rec ogn iti o n .

Peo ple li vin g at a d istance sen d th ei r c a rd s by

mai l to assu re thei r hosts that th e i nvitati o n h as
been rece ived I t goes witho u t sayi n g
.

that thi s acknowled gm ent i s ad d ressed

to the persons givi n g the i nvitatio n ,

n ot to the b ri de I f the i nvitati o n i s to th e

.

chu rc h al on e n o answe r i s requ i red

, A wri tte n .

i nvi tatio n o f co u rse i mposes the co u rtesy o f a

p rom pt reply A ny carelessn ess i n regard to s o
.

fl atteri ng a n attenti o n i s i nexc u sab le .

A sto ry th at went the ro u n ds last wi nte r was of

a you ng m an nam e ki ndly s u pp ress ed — wh o ,

havi ng overl ooked an i nvitati o n to a s m al l h o u Se

wedd i ng w o rd ed h i s regret to the b rid e
, I ,
“

wo u ld of l oved to o f gon e ! H avin g add ed the

bl u nde r o f an i gno r ant note to the cri me o f fo rget
ti n g a co u rtesy he was not fo rgiven
, .
Ch ap t e r F ift l i— VI S ITI N G C A R D CO N
-

VENTI O N S

HE R uss i an s tell a sto ry of the l ate

C z ar A lexand er I I I that u p o n the
.

rare o cc asi o ns whe n i t was in c u m

bent u p o n hi m to p ay a c all he ,

wo u ld take a gold c oi n b e ari ng h is

i m age and s u persc ri pti on and twi sti ng i t b e
,

twee n h i s th u mb an d fi nger leave i t i n l i e u o f a

,

card — the o nly m an i n R u ssi a who had stre n gth

,

fo r the feat Thi s i s th e o nly excepti o n I h ave

.

h eard o f to th e u se o f the li ttle squ a res o f p aste

bo ard th at fo r m o re th an a centu ry h ave bee n
the acc redited rep resentati ves o f o u r p e rs on al
id enti ty.

Before they c am e i nto u se the po rte rs at th e

,

’
d oo rs o r l odge s o f great ho u ses kept a vi si to rs
O r i gi n
b o ok i n whi ch they scrawled thei r i d ea
o f v i s i t i n g o f the n am es o f those who c alled u po n

c ar d s th ei r m aste rs and the i r fam ili es O n e

.

fi ne gentle m an shocked to fi nd that h is p o rte r

,

kept s o po o r a regi ster O f the n ames o f those

who h ad do ne h i m the hono r to cal l u po n h i m ,

-
badly written with spl utteri n g pen an d pale
,

o r m u ddy ink o n greasy pape r — conc eived th e,

ide a o f writi ng h is own n am e u po n slips o f

68
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

an d s m al l towns whi le new c o m pli cati o ns a rise

,

becau s e o f the i n crea s i ng co mplexity o f o u r s oc ial

l i fe
.

There are a few ru les howeve r fo r vi si ti n g , ,

th ro ugh the p roxy o f a c ard th at the m e m b e rs of

po l ite s o ci ety i n A m e ric a u su ally regard and o n e ,

s hows goo d b reed i n g i n fu lfill i ng the i r exi ge nc ies .

Trifles are o fte n i m p o rtan t an d the co rrect u s e ,

an d appea rance o f th e vi siti ng c ard a re regu lated -

by fashi on —th e i nfri n ge ment o f which stamp s

,

o ne as beyon d the soc i al p ale It i s O fi m p ortanc e .

that they be e ngraved at a trust w o rthy place whe re

’

th e d em ands of th e p revai li n g fashi o n a re we ll

u nd e rstood . The c o rre ct S iz e th icknes s o f t he ,

c ard and styl e o f e n grav m g I n vogu e m ust all b e

,

co ns i d ered.

’
The p resent fash i o n fo r a lady s vi s i ti n g c ard i s -

o ne o f m ed i u m S i z e al m ost s qu are e n grave d i n

, ,

Th e sc ri pt O l d E ngl ish o r R o m an lette rs o n

, ,

fas h i o n o f thi n bristo l b oard the ad d ress i n the ,

i ° day
'

l owe r ri ght h an d c o rner th e rec epti o n

-
,

day i n the left The O l d E n gl ish typ e h as h ad a

.

rec ent revival b u t a med i u m sized s c ri pt wi ll p rob

,
-

ably b e m o re lasti n g i n ge ne r al favo r There .

sho ul d b e b u t o ne s tyle o f l etteri ng o n a card .

The th i n cards have th e advantage th at m any m ay

b e c arri e d at o nce acco m m odate d i n the po cket
,

bo ok i nste ad o f exacti n g a sepa rate card c ase o f -

gene ro u s si ze .

Th e card o f a m arri ed wo m an i s u su ally a tri fle

l arger th an th at o f a yo u ng gi rl F o r a year at .
,

70
 V I S I T I N G —C A R D CONVENTIONS

l east a fte r a gi rl h as ente re d s oci ety he r n am e i s

, ,

en grave d b elow th at of he r m othe r o n the same

card as sh e i s not s u ppo s ed to pay
,
W o m en s ’

vi sit s alon e S h e m ay howeve r wh e n c ard s

.
, ,

c alli ng u p o n h e r pe r s o nal fri ends u se ,

th e j o int card d rawi ng a pen ci l m ark thro u gh he r

,

’
m othe r s na m e o r u s e he r s choo l gi rl card whi c h
,
-
,

i s en graved witho ut p refix A fter a year she may .

h ave he r own ca r d s a s well A ge h as i ts c o m p e n .

s at io n s !
The p refi x M i ss m u st always acco m p any the
n am e o f a n u n m arried wom an He r c ard d o es n ot .

bear the recepti o n d ay i f that o f he r m othe r d oes , .

I f M rs B rown J ones S mith h as two o r m o re

.

”
d au ghte rs i n s oc iety Th e M isses S m ith i s e n ,
“

graved u nd e r h e r n am e o r as o ne so m eti m es se es , , ,

” ”
M i ss S m ith M iss G erald i ne S m ith o n e below
, ,

the oth er O n h e r separate ca rd th e eld est

.

d au ghte r S i m ply uses the fam i ly n ame with the

”
pre fix Mi ss wh il e th e others appea r as M iss
,

G eraldi ne M iss D o rothy S m ith

,
”
D i mi n u tives .

a re never u sed S isters ofte n h ave a card i n com

.

”
m o n with the fo rm The M i sses S mith
, Fo r “

c ards belon gi n g to th e s am e fami ly th e lette ri n g ,

S h ou ld be alike R es i dence n u mbers are S pelle d

.

when S pace p erm its .

’
A widow retai ns h er h usban d s C h ri sti an n ame
o r n o t as S h e pl eases b u t i f s h e i s wel l know n she
, ,

i s s o i de ntified with h i m that h e r maid en n ame

wo u ld look stran ge It so meti m es o ccasi ons em .

’
b arras s m e n t h oweve r i f a so n b e arin g h is fath er s
, ,

71
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

n am e i s m arri ed By reaso n of seni o rity a

.
,
’
wi d o w s c ard m ay read M rs B lank , . .

Thi s title assu m i n g a p recede nce i t i s n ow th e

, ,

fashio n to c l ai m and belo ngs to the wi fe o f th e

,

s eni o r m e mbe r of a fam i ly —th e h ead O f a c lan , ,

as it we re A nyth i n g clai med as a di sti ncti on

.

beco m es d esi rable .

A d ivo rce d wo m an u s es h e r m ai d e n n am e wi th
”
the p refi x M rs add i n g o r not he r m arri ed s u r
,

name whic h alo ne m ay be retai ned O f he r fo rm e r

,

title.

S o m e few wo me n i n N ew Yo rk h ave d ropp ed

’
thei r h u sban ds C h ri sti an n ames fro m thei r card s ,

an d p u t n o ad dress o n the m M rs A sto r s et th e . .

fashi o n b u t i t s o metim es assu mes a p rom i n en c e

,

that ch allenges d etracti o n .

”
The M r and M rs c ard i s n o l on ge r u sed
“
. .

e xcept d u ri ng th e fi rst yea r o f marri age and to ac

c o m p any gi fts The tu rne d down ca rd fo rme r ly
.
-

i nd i c ated a p ers on al c all b u t i s n ow obsolete , .

’
A marri ed wo ma n s c ard sh ou l d neve r o f c o u r s e , ,
’
i n d i cate her hu sba n d s p ro fessi on M rs C ol o . .

”
nel and M rs D r are i n co rrect I f a wo m an
. . .
,

m arri ed o r si n gl e is a physi ci an he r c ard s hou l d

, ,

bear he r n am e and p rofessi o nal title as Dr ,

“
.

”
E m i ly B rown S h e s ho ul d h ave two s ets of
.

c ards o n e p ro fess ional and o n e soci al Th e p ro

,
.

fi c e add ress
fe s s io n al c ards s h o u ld co ntai n h e r o f
i n t h e lowe r ri ght hand co rne r the O ffice hou rs
-
,

i n th e left F o r s u c h a card R o man l ette ri ng i s

.

m o re b u si nesslike than th e sc ript H e r soc ial .

72
 V I S I T I N G —C A R D CONVEN TIONS

c ards sho ul d h ave h er ho m e add ress an d h er

receptio n d ay i f she has o n e I t i s d esi rabl e fo r
-
, .

a wo m an to keep h e r soc i al li fe d istin ctly ap art

fro m he r p rofessi on al .

’
A m an s c ard i s s m all i n p ro po rti o n to a
’
wo m an s i ts length ne arly t wi ce its wi dth
, The .

n a m e i s p ri nted i n fu ll wi thou t i niti als ,

”
always with th e p refi x M r and b ea r ,

i n g the add ress o f hi s h o m e o r cl u b o r

b oth H is b u si ness card sh o u ld o m it the p refix
. .

N o titles are u sed save m i litary n aval o r j u d i

, , ,

c ial o nes and those of cle rgym en o r p hys i ci ans .

”
S uch card s sho u ld read C aptai n Jo h n L este r “
,

with n am e of re gi m ent o r corps U n ited S tates ,

“

A rmy o r N avy i n left hand co rne r o r M r J oh n

,
”
-
, .

”
L ester with rank and regi me nt u nde r th e nam e
,

! a l ie u te nant always u ses the p refix M r .

J u stice B eekm an R ev Joh n S to rm

,
”
Dr .
, .

K en neth Kel logg .

’
A man s w ritten c ard sho u l d carry n ei the r p refi x
’
no r su ffi x The nam e the reo n i s the owner s
.

’
si gnatu re A yo uth s card n eve r bears a prefix
. .

’
A l ady s c ard howeve r c arri es on e u nd e r all
, ,

c o nd itio ns .

Pe rsons i n mo u rn i n g u se c ards with bl ack bo rde r

o f varyin g widths ac co rdin g to the d egree o f rela
,

t io n s h ip wi t h t h e pe rso n m o u rned wheneve r th e ,

n eed fo r a c ard ari ses .

A t th e first call of the seaso n a m arried wom an

’
leaves with h er own two O f he r hu sband s card s
, ,

fo r the l ady and m aste r of th e ho u se an d an ,

73
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L O C C A S I ON S
’
additi o nal o ne of he r own a nd th re e o f h e r so n s ,

L e av i n g i f there be yo u n g l ad i es i n the fam ily .

c ar d s If there be a m arri ed d au ghte r l ivi n g at

11 “
hom e a c ard s ho u ld b e le ft fo r he r no r
03115
, ,

g
m u st th e V i si ti n g gu est be ove rlooke d
i f sh e is a n acqu ai ntan c e .

A t s u bsequ ent c alls she need n ot le ave he r h u s

’
band s card u nless h e h as received a n i nvitation
, ,

an d she m ay allo w he r so ns and d au ghters to

assu m e thei r own o bligati o ns C o m m o n se ns e .
-

m u s t be u sed to avoi d s end i ng i n a pack of

c ards.

There are those who s co ff at the c u sto m o f l eav

’
i n g the hu sban d s c ard and call i t se nsel ess al leg
, ,

i n g th at i t i s absu rd th at when a m an i s at h i s
o ffice his card sho u ld i m ply that he h as bee n
accom p anyi n g h is wi fe o n a ro u n d o f soc i al calls .

I t d ec e ives n o o ne b u t n eithe r is i t i nte n d ed to

, .

It i s merely a r ath e r stu pi d attempt to p rese rve a

’
m arrie d m an s soci al rec o gn iti on am o n g h i s own
’
and hi s wi fe s ac qu ai ntances si nce nothi ng i s ex ,

p e c t e d o f h i m i n th e m atter o f calls A servant .

,

u n aware o f the arbitra ry co nventio n on ce explai ne d ,

wi th ki ndly so li ci tu de to a lady who had left two

’ ’
o f he r hu sban d s card s E xcu se m e
,
“
m a am , ,

’ ’ ” ’
b u t yo u are l avi n wan to o m an ny When o n e s .

fri ends have vi sito rs stoppi ng with them w ith

who m we are u nac qu ai nted o ne n eed n ot leave ,

card s fo r the gu ests b u t i t i s a m ark of m u ch

,

co u rtesy to the fri end s to d o s o O f c ou rse th e .

call sh ou ld be retu rn ed .

74
 VISITING CARD - CONVENTIO NS

I n calli n g u po n a fri en d wh o i s V i siti n g those

with who m we m ay o r m ay n ot b e ac qu ai nted a ,

card sho u ld be left fo r the l ady O f th e h o u se who ,

u ses he r own d i sc reti o n abo u t seei n g th e c alle r .

Whe n c al li n g u po n seve ral l ad ies no t m othe r and ,

d au ghters a c ard i s le ft fo r each A t a h otel

, .

’
o ne wri tes o n o n e s c ard th e n ames o f th e p erso n s
fo r wh o m they are i nten ded n eve r at a p rivate
,

hou se .

I n N ew Yo rk the fash io nab l e s et follow th e

E n gli sh m od e an d d rive abo u t leavi n g c ard s with
,

o u t i n q u i ri n g ii th e hostess b e at ho m e d u rin g the

”
“
seaso n excep t afte r a d i nner o r l u ncheo n in v i
,

t at io n o r u p o n th e re c e p tio n d ay s o fs p e c ial friends

, .

They j u sti fy i t o n th e gro u nd that i t i s im po s si ble

to d o oth erwi s e the d i stances are s o great an d the i r
,

ci rcle of ac qu ai ntance so large th at p erson al V i sits

wo u l d leave n o ti me fo r anythi n g els e a nd l i fe h as ,

othe r d uti es than soci al ones Th es e wo m e n are .

,

howeve r m ost p u nctil i ou s i n leavi n g the i r c ard s

,

with i n a fo rtni ght afte r rec ei vi ng a c all T o eco n .

o m iz e ti m e o ne m emb er o f a fami ly o ften le aves

,

th e cards of the rest d ivid i n g th e respo n si bil ity of

,

a l arge ac qu ai ntanc e A t rec epti o ns teas , and

.
,

”
d ays at h o m e p eople l eave thei r c ards and those
,

o f the absent m embe rs of th ei r fam i li es on th e tabl e

’

i n th e entrance hal l b efo re enteri n g th e d rawi ng

,

o r receptio n roo m A cco rd i n g to stri ct eti qu ette

. ,

t h e card s shou ld be left o n a tray an d th e n am es

of V isitors an nou nc ed by the s e rvant at th e d raw
i ng roo m doo r
-
.

75
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

I f a yo u n g wo m an b e i nvited to a n e ntertai n
m ent wi th o u t he r p are nts th e m othe r o ften se nd s
,

h er c ard a fte rward s with th at o f h e r d au ghte r i n ,

reco gn iti on o f th e attenti o n .

A m an sho u ld leave h i s c ard fo r th e m othe r ,

when c alli ng u p o n a yo ti n g gi rl and sen d it u p i f

‘

, ,

S h e be at h o m e l eavi n g i t to he r d is ere
,

tio n whethe r to b e p rese nt o r not d u ri n g

the whol e o r p art of h is c all I n E n g .

l and it wo u ld b e ve ry bad form to ask fo r the

yo u n g wo m an h ersel f at all H e asks o nly fo r .

the m othe r tho u gh he wou ld probably see th e

,

d au ghte r to o .

Where the re a re s e veral ladies i n a fam i ly a nd ,

th ey a re at ho me he as ks the servant to an n o u nc e
,

h i m i f he knows the m well If n ot h e sends u p

, .
,

o ne card i nqu i ri n g fo r al l S ho ul d h e wish to see

, .

o n e pe rso n i n p arti cu lar h e d i rects that h is c ard

,

b e given to her ad di ng Please say to th e l ad i es

, ,
”
th at I sh ou ld b e h appy to se e them I f they are .

o u t he l eaves a c ard fo r th e l ady of the ho u se and

, ,

o n e for the rest o f the fam i ly It i s an add ed .

co m pli me nt to l eave an extra o n e if h e d esi res to ,

disti ngu i sh on e d au ghter fro m the rest wh i ch i t ,

wi l l be u nde rstoo d i s i nte nded fo r th e o ne with

w h o m h e i s best ac qu ai nted .

Yo u ng m en i n payi ng calls are not al w ays

, ,

posted i n eti qu ette A n am u si ng sto ry i s told

.
,

i n a rece nt j o u rn al o f a yo u n g fellow m aki ng hi s

,

fi rst c all He b ec am e con fu se d at fi nd i ng how

.

m any persons there we re i n th e fam ily fo r who m

76
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

ess o n ly ; i f iss ue d i n the n ames of ho s t an d

’
hostess i t i s c u sto m ary to s en d o n e o f th e wi fe s
,

’ ’
and two o f the h u sb an d s If the d au ghte r s
.

n am e appear o n th e i nvitation a separate c ard ,

wo u ld b e sent fo r he r fro m e ach an d al l th e

i nvited gu ests ; espec ial ly i s thi s c o u rtesy d u e to
a d eb u t an t e C ards fo r re cepti o ns are not sent
.

to th e d a u ghters o f a fam ily wi tho u t i ncl ud in g

thei r p are nts as a c o u rteo u s fo rm al ity .

The ci r cu m stan ces u nde r wh i ch c ard s m ay

p rope rly be left at a d o o r i nstead O f p ayi ng a
L e av i n g
pe rso n al c all are wh en an el d erly o r
an d d el ic ate wo m an d esi res to m ake a rec
s e n d in g o gn it io n o f c alls an d atte nti o ns p ai d to
c ar d s
h er The s am e p rivi lege i s gra nted
.

th e society l e ad e r wi th i nte rmi nabl e V i siti ng l ist -

,

p rovided th e co u rtesy i s p ro mptly p ai d a fte r s h e

h as rece i ved perso n al c all s Those friend s o f th e
.

’
b ridegro o m who are u nac qu ai nted with the b ri de s
’
fam ily l eave c ards u pon the bri de s m oth e r i n
reco gniti o n o f th e we dd in g i nvitatio n .

A fter a m an has given a n entertai n m en t at hi s

st u d i o o n board h is yacht o r elsewhere th e l ad ies
, ,

wh o have accepted h is h osp itali ty sen d thei r c ard s

sho rtly after by m esse nger b ea rin g a few wo rds
o f app reciative thanks o r d ri ve to th e d oo r o f
‘

stu d io o r ho u se send i n g i n the i r ca rds by th e

,

footm an .

U po n th e an nou n cem ent o f a d eath fri ends

leave cards at t h e d oo r o f th e ho u se o f m o u rn i n g .

It i s i n b ette r taste not to wri te anyth i n g u po n

78
 V IS ITING C A RD - CONVENTIONS

the m A fte r the fu neral s u c h messages o f con

.

d olen ce are welco m ed .

U po n retu rni n g h o m e afte r a lon g abse nce a ,

lady se nd s c ard s to he r fri ends app ris i ng the m O f

,

”
he r arrival and u s u ally i nviti n g the m to a tea
,
”
o r to h e r d ays at ho m e .

A change of resi den c e sho ul d b e ann ou nced

’
early i n the seas o n to all o ne s acqu ai ntance s with
th e n e w ad d ress an d recepti o n d ay S h o u ld a .

lady h ap pe n to O p en h e r own d oor to visito rs they ,

leave thei r c ards as they take thei r d epartu re i n as

u nobtru sive a m an n er as poss ible .

The eti qu ette govern i n g the u s e o f c ards othe r

than as a p ro xy i s wel l defi ned They m ay be .

u sed to co nvey i nvitati o ns fo r an i nform al O t h e r

e nte rtai n me nt o f al most any n atu re b u t u s e s ° i ,

neve r fo r acceptan ces o r regrets vi sit?

.

’
)

A card acc o mpani es a gi ft b u t o ne s

, c ard

thanks m u st b e expressed i n a n ote n eve r writte n ,

u pon a c ard .

S ho u ld the o ccas io n arise th at wi th her p are nts

,
’

perm issi o n a yo u ng girl wi shes to se nd fl owe rs a ,

book o r so me trifl e to a ma n fri e n d d u ri n g ill ness

,

’
o r u nder e xception al c i rcu m stanc es h e r m othe r s ,

c ard sho u ld ac co m p any her own .

N ew arrival s se nd thei r cards to thei r fri ends ,

wh o shou ld c al l p ro m ptly and wh e n possibl e O ffe r

s om e ho sp ital ity
.

I n cases o f b e re ave m ent fri ends and I t i m e s

,
n

° fh e m a v e
acqu ain tances send thei r m essages o f
'

m en t
sym pathy b r i efly exp ressed o n the i r
79
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L OCCASIONS

card s wh i ch th ey leave at the do o r witho u t ask

,

i n g to see any o n e F rie nds o n m o re i nti m ate

.

fo oti ng wo u ld send n otes and cal l i n p e rso n afte r

th e fu ne ral .

C ard s a nd notes O f co nd ole nce sh ou l d b e

’
ack nowledged by a m o u rn i ng card at the reci p i ent s
co nven i ence u p o n wh ic h m ay be w ritte n a l i ne o f
,

thanks exp ressi n g app rec i atio n fo r sy mpathy an d

atte nti on o r a n e ngraved c ard may be se nt i n rec
,

o gn itio n o f exp ressi o ns of co nd ole nc e re ce ived ,

inscri bed ,

M rs Bla nk .

a nd he r fam ily g ratefu lly acknowled ge

’
s

ki nd exp ress io n s o f symp athy

!A d d ress )
Whe n l eavi n g card s at the doo r of a fri e n d who
”
i s i ll on e writes u p o n th em
, To en qui re
,
“
an d ,

fo r a frien d to wh o m so m e new j oy has co m e a

b ri ef word o f feli citati on i f on ly C o ngratul a
,
“

”
ti ons ! C ards o f c on gratulatio n cann ot be left
too s oo n .

’
A c ard left at o ne s d oo r o r sent by post i s the
’
i nti m ati on that o ne s ac qu ai ntance i s d esi red .

O n e c annot know wh at p ressu re o f c are o r t ro uble

o r what m atters o f h ealth m ay obli ge a wo m an to
l ay asi de soci al cl aim s fo r a s eason O u r friends .

m u st b e co nsistent howeve r an d we righ tly feel

, ,

aggrieved whe n s i n gled o u t fo r th e b al d attentio n

o f a card whe n othe rs r ec ei ve p erson al vi sits .

80
 V I S I T I N G —C A R D CONVENTIONS

To d rop a n u nwelc om e ac qu ai ntance on e h as ,

o nly to o m i t s end i n g o r leavi ng c ards Po u r .

“

”
p ren d re co ngé !P p c ) c ard s are se nt to fri end s
. . .

an d ac qu ai ntances whe n o ne i s abo u t to leave

town fo r a lon g abse nce o r p e rm anently o r as a , ,

m e re noti ficati o n to a few pe rso ns o f i ntended de

p artu re I t i s i n co rrect to capitalize the seco nd
.

and thi rd l ette rs If the translati o n we re u sed the

.
,

”
wo rd s wo u ld be wri tte n To take leave n ot “
,

To Take L eave
The P p c card i s the only s u rvival of a
“
. . .

p assi n g fash i o n i n F ranc e d u ri n g w h i c h card s ,

we re p ri nted with s u ch letters i n on e co rne r an d

others with P r !Parti e rem ise ) P c !Po u r
. .
,
.

c o n d o l é an c e ) wh i ch were i nten de d to convey the

,
’
O bj ect of o ne s V isit to the perso n who m o ne d i d

not fi nd at hom e .

A n old F re nch nobleman o f a type h appi ly e x ,

tinct bei n g told that h e had b u t a sh o rt ti m e to

,

l ive di rected that his P p 0 ca rds sho u ld b e

, . . .

se nt to all h is acqu aintances !

81
C nap t e r S ix t n— T HE E T I Q UETTE
O F C A LLI N G

N F ranc e it h as lo ng b ee n the cu s
to m fo r eve ry o ne to sen d cards by
’
ha nd o r post o n N e w Year s d ay
’
to o ne s e nti re acqu ai ntance Thi s .

answers fo r th e year and n o m o re ,

i s tho u g h t abo u t it The reci p i ents are thereby

.

assu re d that thei r acqu ai ntance i s d esi re d a nd

val u ed an d the p asteb o ard war u sh e rs i n so ci al
,

peace a n d goo d wi ll -
.

It has a so u n d al most o f A rcad ian s i m pl i c ity i n

co mp a ri so n wi th th e l ab o ri o u s syste m with wh i ch
we h ave loaded o u rselves as with a m i llsto n e abo u t
,

o u r n ecks The tru th i s th at we are tryi n g to p re

.

se rve in o u r l arge c iti es th e cu sto ms and c o u rte o u s

c onventi o ns th at fit o nly s m al l com mu n ities To .

try to k ee p u p pe rson al so c i al rel atio ns wi th five o r

six h u n d red peo ple i s to attempt the i m possi ble .

Vi s iti ng the refo re h as bec o me s uch a p erfu ncto ry

, ,

ob li gati o n and the d i fficu lty i s S O well u nd e rsto od

, ,

th at p eople d o n ot hol d e ac h othe r to stri ct acco u nt ,

an d S h ow th e l en iency o f whi ch they k now the m

s elves to b e i n need .

O u r vi siti ng l ists n atu ral ly grow lon ge r with the

-

p assi n g o f the yea rs si nce o n e meets ch arm i ng

,

new p eople and on e d oes not n eglect ol d frien ds ;

82
 THE ETIQUETTE O F CALLING

b ut the ti m e betwee n s u n rise and s u nset re mai ns

’
u nchanged so c all i ng fo r fo rm s sake i s gro w i n g
,

to b e regard ed as less i mpe rative O the rwi se .

,

at th e e nd o f the seaso n we m ay fi nd th at we have

rel i gio u sly p aid the s oc i al m i nt ani se an d c u m , ,

”
min , have c alled u po n o u r ac qu ai ntances wi th
p u ncti li o u s po li te ness b u t those fo r who m we really
,

c are h ave been c rowd ed o u t o f o u r l i ves .

Whe n we see o u r fri e nds o nly i n the i r best

gowns and i n the soc iety o f oth ers w e h ave to ,

n o u rish o u r i nte rest an d a ffecti o n u po n what we

h ave kno w n o f them u nd er the s u rface i n ti m e
past and little by little we grow i n d i ffe re nt an d
,

learn to d o with o ut the m .

It is a c o mp l i m ent to h u man n atu re th at u s u ally ,

th e bette r w e k now people th e b ette r we like ,

them an d we are co nstantly th rown wi th p ers on s

,

who re m ai n m ere acqu ai ntanc es bec au se we h ave

n o ti m e to beco m e fri ends .

C alli ng see ms a rath er se nseless c u stom b u t as ,

i t affo rds the only m an ner o f rec ru iti n g lists fo r

’
i nvitations and sets the l i m its to o ne s c i rcle of
ac qu ai ntance noth ing has as yet b ee n fo u n d to
, , ,

take its p l ace .

It i s sti ll t h e aim to m ake a perso nal visit o nc e a

‘

’
year u pon al l o ne s acqu ai ntance b u t m any wo m e n ,

call o nly u po n th ose whose cards they

h ave received n am i ng a recepti o n d ay ;
,

oth ers give an an nu al receptio n o r a

seri es o f aftern oo n t eas i nviti n g th ei r enti re ci rcl e
, ,

and r etu rnin g personal c alls by d ri vi ng fr o m h o u se

83
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

to ho u se and le avin g c ard s witho u t i n qu i ri n g i f th e

l ady be at ho m e .

To take thi s p osi ti o n a wo man m u st h ave the ,

exc u se o f age del ic ate h ealth o r u nd o u bted s oc i al

, ,

p ro m i nence h avi n g an i nterm i n able vi siti n g list

,
-

wh ic h exe m pts h e r fro m o rd i na ry ru les si nc e i t i s ,

o bvi o u s that h e r so ci al o bli gati ons a re n o t th e

paramo u nt o nes i n l i fe .

A llowance m u st b e m ad e for s u ch wo m en and

fo r those whose wo rk e ntitl es the m to a sp eci al
d ispensatio n fo r si ns o f o m issi o n b u t i n th e m ai n ,

there m u st b e pe rfe ct so c i al e qu ality am on g ac

qu ai ntance o r at l east the sembl anc e o f it
, .

A cco rd i ng to stri ctly O l d Testam e nt ethi cs the re ,

m u st be a c all fo r a c all an d a card fo r a card

, .

I t i s i n cu mbe n t u p o n every o n e howeve r to , ,

m ake p er s o n al vi sits i n recogniti o n of d i nn e r l u n ,

ch eo n o r othe r i nvi tation s fo r h o s p ital i

,
S o c i al
o bl i ga t i o n
ti es l i m ited to s el ected gu ests with i n a ,

fo rtn i ght afte r th e fu nction .

O rdi nary m o rtals i nc u r th e obligation o f a p er

son al V i s it fo r each i nvitati o n i ssued fo r a tea o r
rec eption .

Th e p resen ce O f a gu est at a r eceptio n i s ac

co u nted a visi t an d thi s d ispos es of th e qu esti o n
,

wh ethe r o r n ot an after call i s requ i red-

.

C a ll s a ft e r
To gi ve an afternoo n tea i s on ly another
re c e p t i o n s
way fo r a w o m an to say C om e and see ,
”
m e when yo u w ill b e su re of find i n g m e at h o me .

’
A recepti on like a débu tante s com i n g ou t tea
, ,

o n e give n to celeb rate a weddi ng an ni versary or

84
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

fo r the cards o r the vis ito rs plac e th em o n a

,

large tray o n the h all table A t the d ra w i ng .

’
roo m d oo r he p ol itely i n qu i res the c al le r s nam e ,

an d the n d rawi ng as i de the p orti ere an no u nces ,

i t to h is m istress as the V isito r e nters A m aid

, .

atten d i n g the d o o r fo llows the s am e ro u ti ne ex ,

cept that she d oes n ot an nou nce visito rs Th e .

hostess ri ses and sh akes hand s with al l wh o c o m e ,

welco mi n g the m with real co rd i al ity Where .

there are b u t two o r th ree perso ns p res ent at a

ti m e sh e i ntrod u ces them an d d raws the m i nto
,

gen eral c onve rsati o n whi ch they m ay co nti n u e

,

wh en new c om e rs clai m her attention S he sh o u ld

-
.

not devote h erself excl u s ively to any o n e and m u st ,

b e o n the alert to se e that n one are ove rlo oked ,

m aki n g p rese ntatio ns as occasio n ari se s It i s .

th e c u sto m to o ffe r te a and some t ri fl i n g refresh

’
m e nt to s u ch visito rs as c all afte r fo u r O clock ,

wh ich i s s erved at a s m al l table i n the roo m p re ,

s ided ove r by the hostess her d au ghte r o r a , ,

fri end I f there are m any callers the m istress of

.
,

the o ccasi o n wi ll be glad to b e relieved of th at d uty .

O n th e d epartu re of vis ito rs the h ostess rises ,

agai n gives h e r hand and i nti m ates th at thei r co m

,

T r e at m e tn
i ng h as give n he r pleas u re S h e d oes .

o f not resu m e he r s eat u nti l they h ave

d e Pru ni g tu rned thei r backs
n
The servant i n the
.

gu ms
h all h elps them with thei r wraps O pens ,

the doo r and i f a m an hands the lad i es to thei r

, ,

ca rri ages u nder the shelter o f an u mbrella i n

the event o f bad weathe r Th is howeve r only .
, ,

86
 THE ETIQUETTE O F CALLING

i n c ase o f e me rgency fo r o n a sto rmy d ay a m an

,

S h o ul d b e stati on ed o n the s id ewalk to open

c arri age d o o rs and shelte r al l co m e rs u n de r a
,

l arge u mb rell a as far as the h o u s e d o o r .

I f a wo m an h a s a recepti o n d ay he r friends ,

S h o u ld try to call at th at ti m e S he n eed n ot

receive c hanc e c allers o n any othe r d ay .

V i s iti n g ho u rs are se n s ibly restri cte d to between

’
th ree and si x o clock .

L ad ies l i vi n g i n th e s am e street o r lo cality often

agree u po n th e sa me recepti o n day fo r the c on ,

v e n ie n c e o f thei r fri ends When a wom an h a s

.

selecte d a s peci al d ay to rec eive vis ito rs sh e ,

u su al ly ad he res to the cho i ce se aso n afte r season ,

and i t beco m es as s ociated with he r i n the m i nds o f

h er fri en ds I t i s n ot c o n s i de red stri ctly goo d
.

fo rm to change it .

I f i llness o r other cau se m ake i t n ec essary fo r

a wom an to excu se hersel f to c allers o n h er rec ep
ti o n d ay it i s consid erate to statio n a C o u rt e s y
'

m an !u su al ly i n li very ) o n th e s id e t o V i s i t o r s
’ Wh e n
walk to rece ive the vi sito rs c ard s to
u n a bl e t o
,

s ave l ad i e s th e tro u ble of l e avm g th e i r r e c e i v e

c arri ages . I f thi s i s not feasibl e a t h e m
,

servant sho u l d b e at the hou se d oo r to op en i t

p ro m ptly .

N O orde rs i n the ho u sehold sho ul d b e m o re p re

c ise th an tho se whi ch d i rect the s ervant
what to say e ach afternoo n at the doo r
L ad i es sho u ld keep thei r servants in
fo rm ed whethe r o r not they are at ho m e and wi sh
87
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

to receive e ithe r by wo rd o f m o uth o r by so m e

,

si gn al o n the table i n th e e ntranc e hall .

’ ’
To reply to a v isito r s qu estio n I l l see i f M rs, .

i s at ho m e i s n ot o nly ru d e ness b u t an in ,

D is c o u h j usti c e. O ne h as no right to waste

’
t eo u s o th e r p eo pl e s ti m e-
M rs . i s n ot
“
.

e xc u s e s
re ceivi ng c au ses an i nvo l u nta ry feeli ng
o f b ei n g rep ul sed if the m essage i s b ro u ght to
,

yo u i n th e d rawi ng ro o m b u t i f give n at t h e d oo r
-
, ,

wh e re s u ch m essages b el on g they have n o ch i lli ng

,

e ffect A m o re co u rteo u s exc u se h oweve r is

.
, , ,

M rs . i s ve ry m u c h engage d a n d d esi res to ,

be exc u sed to any o ne who m ay c all .

I n a rece nt j ou rn al the su bj ect was d i sc u sse d

”
whethe r the m ess age b egs to b e excu se d to a
vi sito r o nc e ad m itte d was not a s eri o u s di sco u r
,

tesy Th e write r d ep rec ate d it b u t c onti n u ed

.
, ,

S o m e o ne says howeve r that i n th ese d ays o f

,

ru sh and h u rry it is p ro b ably j u st as m u ch of a

reli e f to M rs B rown n ot to see M rs S mith as i t i s
. .

fo r M rs S mith not to re ceive M rs B rown I n

. . .

s u ch a case th e obli gatio n i s the m o re i m perative

that the m ai d h ave expli ci t i nstr u ctions fo r i t ,

wo u ld b e very h ard i ndeed u po n M rs B rown to .

let he r co m e i n and b e afrai d th at she was go i n g

to be obl i ged to see M rs S m ith after al l b efo re
.
,

”
the servant b ro u ght he r th e reassu ring n ews !
S o m e perso ns think that th e fo rm ul a
”
N ot at h om e i nvolves n o falseho od ,

”
but a lie c an n ever be q u ite wh ite “

enou gh The wo r s t of prevari catio n i s that whe n

.

88
 THE ETIQUETTE O F CALLING

we are fou nd o u t we a re i n exactly the sam e

,

p os iti o n as th o u gh we h ad li ed ! To b e seen at
the wi ndow by the person re c eivi n g o u r m essage
”
o f N ot at ho m e wo u ld be as e mbarrassi n g to
explain even to o u rselves as tho u gh we h ad re ally
, ,

i ntended to d eceive .

Perh aps the pl eas antest visi ts we h ave are fro m

c h ance calle rs with who m we m ay enj oy a t ete E -

t é te wi tho ut co n stant i nte rru ptio n as o n fo rm al

rec e ivi ng d ays .

Te a is ge nerally se rved i n well —regu l ated h ou s es , ,

to those c alli n g between the ho u rs o f fo u r a nd

’
S ix o clock b ut earlie r o r later i t i s
,

c onside rate fo r the visi to r to d ecli ne

h avin g it m ad e exp ressly i f it i s o ffe red , .

The se rvant pl aces a s m all low tabl e before th e

l ady o f th e h ou se an d then b ri ngs i n a tray u po n
,

w h i ch are the tea servi ce and a p l ate of thi n b read

-

and b utte r o r hot toast wafers o r ti ny s andwi ches

, , ,

o f wate rc ress o r p fité d e fo ie gras Thes e are .

placed up o n the table and th e s er vant reti res , ,

re m ai nin g with i n call i n case anythi n g S ho u ld be

,

n eeded I n th e co u ntry i n su m m e r the te a m ay

.

be iced and se rve d o n th e piazz a o r o ut o f doo rs ,

i f possible .

Wh en th e vis ito r ris es to go the hostess to u ches ,

a bell to call a servant to t he street do o r where he ,

stands ready to O pe n it Th is i s o f co u rse th e .

, ,

acce pted c u sto m o n rec eptio n d ays b u t i n m aki n g ,

a si m pl e call o ne is o ften left to fu mbl e with th e

,

vari ou s h and l e s t h at diffe r o n the front doo r o f

89
ETIQU E TTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

eve ry ho u s e A h oste s s acco m pan i es he r i nti m ate

.

fri en d s to the do o r i f she p leases F ri e ndshi p .

m akes its own ru les o f eti qu ette .

’
I n to w n o n l y o ne s fam il iar fri end s are p rivi leged
.

to c all i n the m o rn i n g except o n b u si n ess —to

, ,

ask i n fo rm ati o n abo u t a servant i n the ,

M o rn i gn

c all s
i n terest o f s om e ch arity o r to i n qu
,
i re
’
afte r a fri e nd s healt h p e rhap s Th e , .

call shou l d n ot b e p rolo n ged bey o nd the necessary

ti m e requ i red fo r th e obj ect o f th e vi sit I n the .

c o u ntry a m o rni n g c al l i s a pl easant i n fo rm ality

m u ch to b e co m m end ed i n the i nte rests o f fri en d
shi p.

F ro m two to fo u r week s afte r a fu n eral fri e nd s ,

s ho u ld c al l u p o n the bere aved fam i ly i f o n ly to ,

S how th at they are not u n m i n d fu l o f

the m no r i nd i ffe rent to the i r s o rrow .

O n e u su ally asks to see the m e mbe r of

the fam ily with who m o n e i s best ac qu ai nted Per .

sons in a fflicti on m ay co ns u l t thei r own feel i ngs

abo u t rece ivi n g vi sito rs ; they are a law u nto them
s elves B eyo n d a warm h and clasp and a m anne r
.
-

express ive of sym pathy a nd c on si derati o n a V isito r

nee d n ot go u nless th e b ereaved o ne refe r to the
,

so rrow th at has occasio ned the vi sit Then d o n ot .

p reach d o not ph ilosophize b u t gi ve the warm

, ,

h u m an symp athy that h u man s o rrow c raves and ,

i f possi bl e speak so m e hopeful h elp ful wo rd that

,

m ay be po nd ered afte r yo u are gone Th e re are .

gri efs wo rse tha n d eath and fri ends are apt to hold
,

aloof whe n d is grace falls u po n i nn o cent p e rso ns .

90
 THE ETIQUETTE O F CALLING

N eve r i s the i r t act fu l sym p athy and loyal fri en d

sh i p mo re nee ded .

When wi ll p eopl e learn th at th ose wh o are i ll

c an be ar o nly ve ry bri ef vi sits ? F i rst li ste n sy m
p atheti c ally to al l th e i lls an d anxieti es
o f th e s i ck o n e a n d th en l ead i n g hi s o r
, ,

he r m i n d to other s u bj ects tell al l th e ,

b ri ght an d e nte rtai ni n g th i ngs that yo u c an thi nk

o f an d by all m eans m ake the pati en t l au gh It i s
,
.

a fi n e m ed i c i ne .

Wh o S ho u l d m ak e th e fi rst call ? The res id e nts

o f a pl ace c all fi rst u po n n ew c o m e rs M e n an d -
.

wo m e n of n ote b rid es clergyme n

, , ,
F i r s t c all s
el d erly p erso ns strange rs an d th ose i n
, ,

d el i c ate h e alth are entitled to fi rst calls They .

to o a s wel l as those p ersons m ost p rom i ne nt i n

,

posi ti o n o r fash io n take th e i n iti ati ve i n i nviti ng

,

oth e rs to c all whi ch co u rte s y sho u ld b e p ro m ptly

,

co m pl ied with .

Where n o s peci al d isti ncti o n exists e ac h m ay ,

S how the o th e r th at the ac qu ai ntanc e i s d esi red .

A gracefu l exp ed ie nt m ay be th e se nd i ng o f c ard s

o f i nvitati o n fo r days at ho m e wh i ch sh al l i ncl u de
th e d esi red ac qu ai ntan c e A wo m an s ecu re i n h e r
.

positio n d oes no t h esitate to S h o w s u ch fri end li n ess .

O n the C o nti ne nt and i n Wash i n gt o n th e vi sitin g

stranger calls fi rst u p o n the resi d ents E lsewhere i n .

A me ric a the n ew a r rivals send th ei r c ards to th ei r

fri ends wh o sh o u ld S how fl atteri n g alac rity i n cal l
,

i n g u po n th em C all s u po n a strange r wh o has

.

c o m e to r esi d e i n a pl ac e shou ld b e m ade as s oo n

9 1
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

as the p er s o n is know n to b e r eady to rece ive the m .

Hu rry m ay b e i ntru si ve and d el ay lacki n g i n

,

c ou rtesy .

I n th e co u ntry and at wate ri n g pl aces the res i -

d ents c al l fi rst u po n those renti n g c ottages a n d th e ,

cottage rs m ake the fi rst calls u p o n thei r fri end s

stop pi ng at h otels .

F i rst c alls sho ul d b e retu rn ed wi thi n a fo rtn i gh t ,

b ut after h avi ng accepted an i nvi tatio n o r bee n the

rec ip i ent o f any hosp i tality from a
strange r o r new ac qu ai ntan ce o n e l eaves ,

c ards i m med i ately an d c al l s a week after

th e e ntertai n ment .

It i s very d isco u rteo u s no t to retu rn a fi rst c all ,

u nless th e pe rso n m aki n g i t be a real ly obj ecti o n

able p erso n to kn ow B u t the first c al l retu rned
.
, ,

n o othe r nee d foll ow and the acqu ai ntan ce m ay be

,

all owed to d rop .

F o r th e p erso n howeve r w h o m akes th e fi rst

, ,

c al l not to m ake a second afte r the fi rst h as b een

fo rm ally retu rned wo u l d b e i n very bad taste
‘

u nless fo r so m e c ogent reason Why fo rce an .

ac qu a i ntance o nly to l et i t d rop ?

I t i s needles s to say th at a l ady neve r c alls u po n
a m an exce pt p rofessio nally i n b usi ness h o u rs an d
,

at h is o fi
f ce S h e se nds i n he r n am e
W h en a .
,

w o m an not he r visi ti n g card and sho u ld state

-
,

m ay e a“ h e r e rrand bri efly and m ake he r c all

22
“ 3

1 sh o rt U nder any othe r c i rcu m stances

.

sh e sh ou l d b e accom p ani ed by a m al e
relative o rb y a wo m an olde r than he rsel f u n less sh e ,

92
ETI QUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

th e i nvitati o n wo u ld wo u n d he r p ri d e s o s h e m u st
,

exe rcis e d isc re tio n an d m ake r easo n ably s u r e o f

,

hi s feel i n g o n th e s ubj e ct I n E u rop e a yo u n g

.

wo m an n eve r receives a m an alo ne an d o u r fo re i gn

,

c ri tics wo u ld thi nk a c haracteri sti c requ est fro m a n

A m eri c an fo r p erm i ssi on to call wo u ld b e ,

I f yo u r m othe r i s i n will yo u co m e o u t ? A n d
,

i f yo u r m oth e r i s o u t m ay I co m e i n ?
,

We may tru st A m eric an c hival ry b u t th e m oth e r

,

o r s o m e O ld e r pers o n S ho u l d b e present whe n

fore i gn ers c all u po n a yo u ng gi rl .

The cu sto m o f d evoti ng S u n d ay afte rno o n s to

vi siti n g and receivi n g i s u nd eni ably fas hio n abl e ,

T h e t i m e b u t the i m m o rtal part s u f

fe rs by n eglect ,

fo r a nd m any of the yo u n g peopl e wh o l ive

c ani n g
c los e to thei r i deals h ave s et thei r fac e s
agai nst it O n e yo u n g gi rl says fr ankly I am at
.
, .

’
ho m e eve ry afte rn oo n afte r five o clock except ,

S atu rd ay whe n I go to th e op era and S u nd ay whe n

, , ,

I go to chu rch . Wom e n m u st take th e i niti ati ve

i n all soci al refo rms .

It i s a n affectati o n that the even i n g s are all s o

o ccu p ied as to leave no ti m e for calli n g an d yo u ng ,

m e n are d rive n to the cl ubs an d the a

E ve n in g
tres and to spend mo re m o ney tha n is
c a ll s
goo d fo r them to fi nd o cc u p ati o n fo r
,

th ei r eveni n gs .

Th e old tim e lei su rely even i n g c all gave ti m e fo r

-

ac qu ai ntance to grow an d ri pe n i nto fri end sh ip I t .

has been sai d by a wi se thi nke r that o nly afte r a

t ete at ete d o people eve r bec o me really acq u ainted
- -
.

94
 THE ETIQUETTE O F CALLING

S o me gi rls h ave the fac u lty of m aki n g a m an fe el

i n a ho me like atmosphe re whe n m aki n g an o rd i
-

n ary call They m ake h i m welco m e witho ut

.

stirri n g hi s vani ty a n d S how sym p athy i n h is in

,

t e re s t s wi tho u t ad ulati on n i ce co m p ani o n able

, ,

gi rls n ei th e r a rti fici al n o r s u perficial b u t s i m pl e

, ,

a nd s i nce re F ew m atri mo ni al a rgu m e nts are m o re

.

be gu il i ng .

N o yo u n g wo man visito r sho ul d rec e ive c alls

fr o m he r m e n fri ends witho u t aski n g h e r R e c e i v i n g
h ostess o r hostesses to b e p resent leav c all s w h e n ,

V is i tin g
i ng the opti on with the m N o r sho u ld .

sh e i nvi te o n e to V i sit her witho u t fi rst aski n g pe r

m issi o n O fhe r hostess .

I f a lady i s beh in d he r tea tab le sh e n eed n ot -

,

rise to g reet a m an c al le r but bow gi ve h e r h and, , ,

i f c o nven i ent a nd gracefu lly i nclu de R e c e i v in g

,

h i m i n the c o nversation i ntro d u ci ng m e n ,

c all u s
h i m o r not as s h e pleases to th ose n ear
, ,

he r S he als o bows he r ad i eu x A lady n eve r

. .

goes i nto the vestibu le to meet a m an howeve r ,

i nti m ately sh e m ay kn ow h i m b ut sho u ld greet h im ,

o nly i n the p arl or When entertai n in g an othe r

.

calle r o f c o u rse it wo u ld b e the hei ght o f d is

,

co u rtesy to excu se h e r s el f an d leave h i m to m eet a

n ew come r S h e S ho u ld re m ai n qu i etly s eated
-
.

u nti l the late r arrival enters th e roo m an d th en ri se ,

to welco me h i m .

N either sho u ld she ever acco m p any a m an to

the hal l bu t take le ave o f hi m i n the d rawing
,

r oom U nder n o ci rcu m stances does a l ady

.

95
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

help a m a n o n with h is ove rco at stru ggle as ,

h e m ay .

T h e p ro p e r
M e n are p rivi leged to call any afte r
e t i qu e t t e n oo n fro m five u n ti l h alf afte r s i x -

’
f° r m e n o clock .

N o ge ntle m an c alls u p o n a lady e xcept at he r

i nvitatio n u n less h e h as p revi o usly s ent h e r a lette r
,

o f i ntrod u ctio n N o m atte r h ow m u ch h e m ay

.

desi re an ac qu ai ntanc e h e mu st h id e h is tim e , ,

u nless so m e k i nswo m an o r frien d wi ll exe rt hersel f

i n his beh alf A m an m u st n ot go b eyo n d an
.

’
evi d e nt ple as u re i n a wo m an s so c iety by way o f
s u ggesti o n O f co u rs e c i rcu m stanc es alter c ases
.
, ,

b u t it i s i m p o rtant fo r h er p reservati o n agai nst

u nd es i rable ac qu ai ntances that a m an sh ou l d wait
’
th e lady s i niti ative Th e soo ne r th e c all follows
.

th e i nvitatio n the gre ater the co m pli m ent A

, .

fo rtn i ght i s th e u su al i n te rval .

Whe n a s o n has lately e ntere d s oc i ety h is ,

’
m othe r leaves h i s c ard wi th he r hu sb an d s u po n al l
h e r ac qu ai ntan ces H e wi l l then b e i nc lu d e d i n
.

’
th e seaso n s general i nvi tations .

H e p ays h is fi rst calls p referably u pon fo rmal

receivi ng d ays u nti l he h as wo n hi s way to a m o re
,

co rd i al receptio n and i s i nvited fo r di n

F i rs t c all s
ne r theatre o r othe r l i mited hosp itali ty
, ,
.

H e i s the n u p o n friend ly footi n g and m ay S how ,

som e reci p rocal atten ti on i f b e pl ease .

A m an i s n eve r i nvi ted to d in e where he h as not

p revi o u sly called bu t before h e has p ai d hal f a
,

d ozen vi s its a hostess wh o e ntertai ns wo u l d ask

96
ETI QUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

i t whi c h sh e m ay d o i f th e c o nve rsatio n h as b een

,

e xceptio nally p ro lo nge d o r i nteresti n g .

Whe n anothe r c alle r e nte rs a m an stands up i f ,

he i s seate d H e m ay l eave u po n the a rrival o f

.

othe r gu ests if hi s c all has l asted fi fteen

,

m i nutes tu rn i n g h is b ack as l ittl e as

,

p oss ible u p o n the co mp any The fi rst .

arrival s are the fi rst to take leave .

’
It is n o lo nger c u sto m ary to p ress o ne s g u ests
to c al l agai n I f n ot di sp leased with a new ac
.

qu ai ntance a wom an shows by co rd i ality O f m an

,

ne r as h e takes h is leave that she wo uld be glad to

s e e hi m agai n witho u t th e repetitio n o f the u su al
fo rm u l a
. A l l c u t and d ri e d phrases are goi n g o u t
- -

o f fash i o n .

If u n abl e to co m m and the leisu re fo r afte rn oo n

c alls a m an m ay i gnore fashion and c all i n th e
,
’
even in g ab o u t n i n e o c lock .

M e n leave thei r c ards e arly i n the seaso n u p o n

all thei r acqu ai n tance s i f they wish to be i ncl u d e d
,

i n the ro u n d of its festivities an d try to ,

m ake a pe rson al call up o n thei r i nti

m ate frien ds and those who have e nte r
tain e d the m the p revi o u s year .

They are not expected to be p u nctil io u s abo u t

recepti o n d ays thou gh s u ch thou ghtful ness is
,

m u ch app rec i ated A c all afte r eve ry i nvitati o n i s

.

the civi li ty d em and ed by good fo rm and a card ,

sho u ld b e l eft i n pe rso n th e d ay after a d i n ne r ,

lu ncheo n o r b reak fast N o gentle m an eve r b rin gs

, .

a friend to call u p o n a l ady with ou t havin g p re

9 8
 THE ETI Q UETTE O F CALLING

v io us l asked he r p e rm i ssi on n o m atter h ow in

y ,

ti m ate h is stand i ng with the fam i ly Men cal l u p o n .

e ac h othe r at thei r cl ub s o r o ffices b u t fo rm al vi si t ,

i ng betwee n me n i s not d o n e at thei r h o u s e s .

By way of ge ne ral s u ggesti o n i n regard to calls

C allin g hou rs a re betwee n three and Ge n e ra l
s i x P M U p o n recepti o n c ard s the ho u rs s u gge s
. .

“m s
are u s u ally n ame d fro m fo u r u nti l seven .

Th e le ngth o f a fo rm al call sho u ld not exc ee d

fi ftee n o r twe nty m i nu tes The i nte rval betwe en .

fo rm al cal ls sho u l d not b e less th an a m onth o r

m o re tha n a yea r .

Th e visiti ng b o ok a r ran ged alphabetically o r

-
,

acco rd i n g to streets an d l ocal itie s sho u ld be c are ,

fu l ly kept and fre qu e ntly c onsu lted s o that nei th er ,

frie nd s no r ac qua i ntances shall b e n eglected I t .

sho u ld be revised eve ry s ix mo nth s .

It is n ot po li te when one has rece i ved an i nvita

,

ti on to cal l to retu rn the co m p li m ent at o n ce by

,
’
sayi ng ,
Th ank you wo n t yo u co m e a nd see
“
,

”
on e ? O n e S ho u ld si mply accep t the i nvi tati on i n
a few graci o u s wo rd s a nd call as s oo n as c an b e
,

m ade conven ie nt .

A pad o f p ape r en clo s ed i n som e d ainty cove r

, ,

with penc i l attached shou ld b e kept whe re th e

se rvant can read ily O ffer it to a cal le r who m ay
wi sh to leave a m e s sage fo r th e ho s te ss i f th at ,

lady i s not at h o m e .

A lady sho u l d call u po n a st r an ge r be fo re in vit

i n g he r to an e ntertain ment .

A n i nvitatio n does not canc el a c alli n g O bli gati o n .

99
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

R ece i ve you r frie nd s cord i ally yo u r m ann e r ,

”
i m plyi ng My ti m e i s yo u rs A ss u m e the vi rtu e .

i f yo u have i t not .

I nfo rm al c all ers sho u ld be care fu l to avoi d the

h o u rs fo r m eals .

D o not ap ol ogiz e too m u ch fo r not h avi ng c al led .

Yo u r n eglec t to do s o has p rob ably n ot be en

observed .

N ever cal l u po n yo u r friends u nless yo u a re ,

feeli ng well an d are re aso nably s u re o f m akin g

,

yo u rself agree able .

D o not O ffe r yo u r h ostess th e sli ght o f a to o ‘

h u rried c all appe ar abs ent m i nded n o r O p enly

,
-
,

con su lt yo u r watch .

N eve r c all to be am u sed i nfli cti ng yo u r en n u i ,

u po n anothe r wh i ch yo u are u nwi ll i ng to b ear

,

”
you rself I n m aking a vi s it O fd igesti on as the
.
“
,

F re nch n am e a n afte r c all i n recogn iti o n O f an in

-

v it at io n fo r d in ne r l u nch eo n o r othe r h osp ital ity

, , ,

i t is cons i de rate to m ake so m e co m pli m entary

allu sion to the s u ccess o f the entertai nm ent o r to
the pleas u re rece ived the reat R ise to take l e ave .

whi l e yo u are th e s peake r not when the co nve r ,

s ati o n h as l angu ish ed l est y o u appear to go b e

,

c au se yo u are bo red .

F i n ally d o n ot keep you r h ostess standi n g after

,

yo u h ave rise n to take leave wh i le yo u c o nti n u e ,

to talk b ut go
, .

1 00
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

SO tho rou ghly have we d o m estic ate d the E n g

li sh afte rnoo n tea h ab it th at we h ave exten ded
-

i t to give the title rOIe to the m ost popu lar fo rm o f

-

e ntertai nm ent known to m ode rn soc i ety less p e r ,

h aps for i ts charm than fo r its c onven ience a nd

ad aptab ility to large o r Sm al l gathe ri ng s Fr o m .

the assembl i n g o f a few frien ds fo r a c h at and cu p

of tea to th e e l abo rate receptio n to i ntro d u c e a
,

débu tante o r d o hon o r to s o me gu est o f d is tin c

”
ti on all are c alled teas
, .

F o r a fo rm al recepti o n o r tea fo r whi ch c ard s o f

’
i nvitati o n h ave b een sent to o n e s e n tire ac qu ai nt
P r e p arb
anc e n am i ng
, a speci al d ay and h o u r ,

t i o n s fo a there are certain requi r e m e nts that are

r

“ m i ni “
u nive rsally fol lowed A stri p o f red .

c arpet i s l ai d fro m the fr on t door to the edge o f

th e s id ewalk and u nless th e weather i s e x c e p
,

t io n al l y fi n e a c anvas awn i ng i s stretched ove r

,

’
it
. A m an i n footman s l ivery i s stati oned at
its e ntranc e to o pe n th e c arri age doo rs who gi ves ,

c hecks i n d u pli cate to the gu ests and thei r co ach

’
m e n A se rvant i n b u tler s live ry op en s the h ou s e
.

d oo r antic i pati n g any s u m m o ns

,
.

The d rawin g roo m s sho u l d b e cl eared o f all

-

fu rn itu re that m ay re s tri ct th e free m ovem en t o f

the gu ests b e freshly ai red and c are take n to i ns u re
, ,

an agree abl e tempe ratu re Pal ms fl owe rs a nd . , ,

potted p lants d eco rate the r oom s as lavi shly as

taste o r m eans wi ll allow an d i n the d i n i ng roo m
,
-

th e tab le i s m ad e b eau ti fu l with flo we r s li ghts an d , ,

deco rative trifl es Three o r fo u r me n se rv ants

.
-

1 02
 AFTERNOON TEAS

are there s tatio ned to o ffe r tea c ho col ate bo u il lo n , , ,

s alads s an dwi ch es i ces cakes and bonbo ns to

, , , ,

the gu ests I t i s not consi d ered go od fo rm to

.

serve c ham p agn e at a d ayl ight ente rtai nm en t ,

exc ept at a wed d i ng A e rated wate rs p u nch

.
, ,

wi ne c u p an d le mo nad e a re thou ght s u ffici ent

-
, .

The ti m e of th e recepti o n bei ng fro m th ree u nti l

’
si x o r fro m fo u r u nti l seven o clo ck a h eavy m eal ,

wo u l d be o u t o f pl ac e as it i s p re s u m abl e th at all
,

wi ll d i n e soo n .

S ho rtly b efo re th e ti m e nam ed i n th e i nvi tati on s ,

th e shade s o f th e win d ows are d rawn to exclu d e

th e d ayli ght th e l am ps and gas o r elec
,
Th e
t r io bu rne r s are l ighted and the hostess
, h o stes s

takes h e r plac e i n h e r d rawi n g ro om a n ? h e r -

,
as s ’s’am s
n ea r the e nt r ance If her d au ghte rs
.

o r fri e n ds a re to assi st her they stati o n the mselves

,

i n d i ffe re nt p a rts o f the r oo m s th at al l th e gu ests ,

’
m ay b e u n d e r s om e o ne s ki nd ly s u p e rvis i o n A .

’
d ébutante wo u ld s tand at he r m other s left hand ,

and s ho u l d th e reception b e give n fo r s o m e spec i al

fri end o r gu es t o f h ono r that p e rso n wo u l d s tand
, ,

a s well at th e l eft of the h ostess fo r co nven i ent

,

p resen tat io n to al l vi sito rs L ittle i s expected

.

of tho s e who a r e re ceivin g d u ri n g th e fi rst hou r

o r so beyo nd a wo rd o f co rd i al welco m e The .

hoste s s sho u ld t ry to make he r greeti ngs as little

ste reotyped as p oss ible givin g to each n ew ,

c ome r th e feeli ng that h e o r she i s ind ivid u al iz ed

i n he r m in d and i s c onfe rrin g pleasu re by being
the re .

Io3
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCA S ION S

A s visito rs e nte r the ho u se they leave thei r card s

,

o n a large tray p laced co nsp i c u o u sly o n the h all

,

table The l adies rem ove thei r w rap s

.

i n th e h al l o r i n an u pstai rs d ressi n g
ro o m whe re two m aids are i n atte nd an c e
who are p ro mp t to assi gn th e garm ents to thei r
ri ghtfu l own ers when they retu rn to res u m e them .

A d ressi ng roo m i s als o s u pp li ed fo r the m en

-
A .

valet i s i n atte nd ance where m any m asc u l i ne gu ests

are exp ected .

J u st o u tsid e th e d rawi n g roo m do o r a m an i n

-

’ ’
b u tler s o r footm an s l ive ry asks the n am es o f
the vi sito rs a nd d rawi n g asid e th e p orti ere an
, , ,

n o u n c e s the m c le arly an d d istin ctly to h i s m i s

tress as th ey ente r th e roo m M e n acco m p anyi ng

, .

l ad ies e nte r the roo m beh i nd t h em an d o f co u rs e ,

yo u n g gi rls give p rece de nce to thei r m othe r s o r

C hape ro ns .

S ho u ld the hostess be at l ei su re to exch ange

mo re th an the co nventio nal greeti ng he r gu ests ,

n at u rally re m ai n with he r u nti l others clai m he r

atte nti o n whe n they m ove o n free to s eek thei r
, ,

fri e n d s and acqu ai ntan ces i n the thron g .

A ll gravitate towards th e d i n i n g roo m wh ich i s -

,

e ntered witho u t i nvitatio n an d where the se rvants

,

i n attte n d an c e wai t u po n th e gu ests If a gentl e .

m an accom pani es a l ady he a s ks i f he m ay get he r

,

a c u p o f tea an i ce o r whateve r she desi res a nd

, , ,

eithe r asks th e servic e of the waiters o r s e rves h er

h i m self H e the n p rocu res so m e refreshm ent fo r
.

h im self stand in g n ear he r th e wh i le b ut is p rompt

, ,

Io4
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

kept fo r the last The o rch estra c o m p osed

.
,

only o f stri nge d i nstru m e nts i s u s u ally c o nc ealed ,

b ehi n d o r u nde r a stai rway s c ree ne d fro m V iew by

pl ants an d tall palm s .

Th e hostess an d he r ass istants wea r hi gh n ecked -

afte rn o o n gowns with l o n g sleeve s o r wi th lo n g

D r e s s gloves m eeti ng a sho rte r s leeve a c ,

ai
co rd i n g to fash i on Tho u gh atti red .

re c e pt io n s
wi th elegance they sho u l d n ever ap pea r
,

to o u t d ress the i r gu ests Yo u n g gi rls wh e n r e

-
.

c e iv in g o fte n wea r d i aph an o u s b all gown s i f n ot -

,

to o elab o rate m ade w ith hi gh b od ices and lon g

,

sleeves They wear gl oves o r not as they p leas e

.
, .

V isito rs app ear i n c alli n g costu m e the wo m e n ,

retai n i n g thei r hats M e n wear regu l ati o n afte r

.

noon d ress M o re d etail ed d i rectio ns a re given i n

.

the ch apte r d evoted to th e s ubje ct o f d ress .

Wh en cards h ave been sent o u t fo r a se ri es of

te as o n two o r fou r d ays i n a m o nth th e ente r ,

t ain m e n t i s far S i mple r The re i s n o

L ese
.

fo r m a l awnin g a m an i n l ivery sh elte rs the

,
"
“ as
c al le rs b en eath an u m brella if th e
we athe r p r ove i ncle m ent th e c arpet o n the step s,

’
i s d ispe nsed with an d the gu e s ts n ames m ay o r
,

m ay n ot b e ann o u nced at the d rawin g roo m d oo r -

.

There is n o m u si c and the re are fewe r fl owers b u t ,

with the i nform al ity o ften com es a keener sense o f

enj oym ent fo r p leasu re i s so meti mes lost i n a
,

c rowd .

I n th e d i nin g roo m a table i s p rettily d eco rated

-
,

at o ne end of wh i ch i s a tea se rvice with s amova r -

,

1 06
 AFTERNOON TEAS

o r a kettl e b oili ng ove r a l amp th i nly S lice d ,

l e mo n c ream etc and a se rvi ce fo r chocolate at

, , .
,

th e othe r wi th whip ped c ream an d po w d ere d

,

s u gar E ach i s p res id ed over by a frie n d o f th e

.

hostess o r by so m e yo u n g gi rl i f the re a r e d au gh
, ,

te rs i n th e fam ily They sho u ld b e p ro m pt to o ffe r

.

to s erve all wh o e nte r th e d in i ng roo m whethe r -

,

they are acqu ai nted o r n ot with the gu ests o ve r ,

l ooki ng no n e A servant sho u ld b e i n attend anc e

.

to re mo ve s o iled cu p s an d plates an d keep the

ta b le i n o rder S andwi ches cake s and bo nbo ns
.
, ,

are o n th e table and a se rvant so m eti m es s erves

,

fro m the p antry café o r o range frappé i n p u nch o r

cha mp agne glasses with s mall co ffee sp oo ns S m all -
.

n apki ns are a c o nveni en ce bu t not a nece s sity , .

I f a frie nd fro m a d istance i s visiti ng o ne a ,

tea i n h er ho no r o ffe rs th e opp o rtu nity o f sel ect

’
i n g amo ng o ne s ac qu ai ntances tho se A s ll
ma
wh o are l ikely to pro v e most c o n gen ial t e a in
to her witho u t i nc u rri n g th e d an ger h o n o r o f
,

3 m m “
o f givin g u m b rage fo r si ns o f o m i ssi on .

T he h ostess writes o n her c ard To m eet M rs “

.

” ’
and i n o n e co rne r Tea at fou r O clo ck “
.

O n e m ay at any ti m e u nd er a ny p retext gathe r , ,

a few fri ends togethe r fo r thi s i nfo rm al fu n ction .

G iven a pret ty room — whethe r fu rni shed ,

Th e
in C hi ntz o r o ld b rocade c retonn e o r si x b ac k gro u d
, n

t e e n th centu ry velvet i s i m m ateri al a , ,

cheery wo od fi re c rackl i ng on th e hearth growi n g ,

plants at the wi nd ows books an d m agazi nes sc at ,

t e r e d ab o u t and i n o ne c o rne r a small tabl e with

,

1 07
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

s nowy c loth and sp arkli n g s i lve r and we h ave a ,

“
m ise e n s c é n e
- -
th at n o no rm ally co nstituted
wo man of the p rese nt d ay co u l d V ie w with in d if
fe rence ; p eop le i t with h al f a doze n cha rm i ng and
- -

c leve r wo m en give the m a go od c u p o f tea a

, ,

d ai ntily m ad e s andwi ch ; an d a b it o f h om e m ad e -

cake — and all th e c ond iti ons wi ll b e fu lfilled fo r

,

a d el i ghtfu l afternoo n A s the d aylight wanes

.

and a rosy shad ed lam p sc atters the S h adow s the

-
,

fri end s m ay see each othe r i n th at fl atte ri ng l ight

wh i ch h as b eco m e e mbl e mati c o f p arti al j u d gm ent
and gentle c riti ci sm .

I t is s ai d that i n th ese d ays whe n s o m e sp eci al ,

b u si ness m atte r re qu i res to be talke d o ver a m an ,

i nvites hi s frie n d to l u nch with h i m ;

the so c i al i nfl u ence havi n g th e e ffect o f
m eltin g an d fu si n g d i ffere nc es o f o p in
i o n I n l ike m anner i f a new ch arity i s to b e
.
,

started o r s o me p leas u re o rganiz ed o n a l arge

,

scale a wo man gathers h e r friends aro u n d he r tea

,

tabl e an d d e nyi n g he rself to othe r vi sito rs has

, ,

th e u nd ivi ded attenti o n o f h e r guests fo r a n h o u r ,

and m ay talk at he r ease .

O n e l ittle com p any o f fri end s have c o m bated

th e c entrifu gal fo rces o f o u r m odern c ity l i fe by
meeti n g o nc e a week fo r a cu p of tea and h ave ,

”
kept al ive th e sacred fi re o f fri en dshi p m ost
“

s u ccessfu lly A ny good story o r b it o f fu n any

.
,

str o n g o r helpfu l tho u ght m et with i n thei r read

,
~

”
i ng i s treasu red to be S h ared at the tea pa rty “
-
.

E ach m embe r is i n tu rn th e ho stess and enj oys ,

1 08
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

at the e ntran ce o f th e ro o m and m i ngl i n g fre e ly

,

wi th he r gu ests i ntrod u ces everybody an d as su m e s

,

the responsi bili ty fo r thei r enj oymen t Th e r es ul t .

i s th at o ne finds i t co nvenient to fo rget othe r

” ’
“
teas i nvi ti n g o ne s p resence an d refl e c ts that
,

an othe r ti me wi ll do for them .

Yo u n g gi rls fi nd m u c h p leasu re i n th e S im ple

hosp itali ty of afte rn oo n tea abo u t wh ic h m am m a
,

Yo ung m akes n o d e mu r i t e,ntai ls s o li ttl e

gi rl s tro uble If yo u ng m en are rece ived of

’
.
,

t eas c o u rse so me c hap ero n m u st b e osten

s ib l y p resent ; b ut as
, the re i s s afe ty i n n u mbers
she m ay wi th a l ittle tac t reli eve th e yo u n g peop l e
o f any u npleasant sense o f b ei ng O bse rved A .

yo u n g gi rl sh o u ld n ot re ceive he r fri end s i n a tea

gown tho u gh he r m othe r m ay d o s o ; i nd eed s u c h
, ,

a garment i s no t s u pposed to be i ncl ud ed i n th e

ward robe o f a n u n marrie d wo m an whi le yo u th lasts .

The l ibati o n th at we p o u r to o u r soci al god s

b etwee n the ho u rs o f fo u r and si x m ay w e l l
deserve c arefu l co nsi de rati o n i n its c oncoctio n .

It i s sai d th at o nly at C arlsb ad can tea b e e u

j oyed i n its p e rfectio n Thi s th rows li ght on th e
.

H o w t o myste ry ; the solu tio n i s th e ch aracte r

m a k e t h e of th e wate r with whi ch the tea i s m ad e .

“ a
The best m eans of i m itatin g th e s o ft
wate r o f C arlsb ad i s to add a p i nch o f sod a to
the water before i t i s bo il ed fo r brewi ng th e tea .

A sm all si lve r bo nbo n b ox fil led with b i carb onate

o f sod a m ay b e the vassal o f th e steam i ng u rn
an d h ave its plac e with the caddy .

1 10
 AFTERNO ON TEAS

Te a s ho u ld b e po u red o ff i m m ed i ately afte r i ts

i nfusi on befo re the w ater has had ti m e to attack
,

the le af and e xtract the p oison o u s the ine wh ich ,

i s th e p ri nc iple i n the herb that affe cts the ne rves

u nd es i rably C o n no iss eu rs m ake a great po i nt of
.

this and s ay that tea sho u ld be m ad e i n an earthe n

,

ware teapot an d th e n po u red i nto the s i lve r on e

fro m wh ich i t i s s e rved ; b u t a tea ball o r o ne of th e
-

large wi re egg sh aped b alls m ad e fo r the p u rp ose

-
, ,

m ay b e pl aced i n the s i lver pot an d w ithd rawn

al mo st i mm ed i ately and the sam e resu lt obtai n ed .

The O l d fashi on ed ru le of o ne teaspo on fu l fo r e ach

-

perso n a nd o ne fo r th e p ot i s sti ll ad he red to an d ,

O fc ou rs e the wate r m u st be boi li n g wh e n b ro u ght

i n co ntact with th e tea and the teap ot ri nsed with

,

the b oi li n g wate r befo re the tea i s p lac ed i n the

teapot .

The R u ssi an s take th ei r tea always with lem o n

an d i n glass es i n prefe rence to c u p s The S p an ish .

th i nk a leaf o f the fragrant l e m on verben a ad ds a -

fragrant bo u qu et to th e tea .

S o me wom en fol low the G e rm an fash ion an d ,

se rve co ffee to thei r friends i nste ad of te a ; an d

’
others fo r vari ety s s ake O ffe r the m Tu rkish c o ffee
, ,
.

Bu t there is always someth i ng of ol d fash ion ed -

h o m eliness ab o u t t e a which m ay ac co u nt fo r its

'

ch o ice above othe r b everages .

It i s said by a recent write r that Q u een V i ctori a

n eve r we nt fo r a d rive i n th e aftern o on w ithou t
taki n g with h e r an elab orate apparatu s fo r b rewi n g
h e r favorite d rau ght and i n travell i n g i n any re
,

I I I
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

m ote c o rn e r o f the glob e n othi ng seem s to rec a ll

to an E n gli shwo m a n he r altars an d he r fi res as
whe n i n the sec lu si o n o f he r roo m at a hotel s he
, ,

m ay m ake hersel f the c h eeri ng cu p .

It i s a F re nc h i n novati o n to ad d to the S i m pl e hos

”
i tal l ty m arro ns glace s an d p et i ts
“ “

M i s tak en p
e l a b o rat i o n
fo u rs , wh i ch the A me r i can m an i a fo r
dec orati ve e ffe ct and overdoi ng do e s not
always r e s ist .

I n E ngland b read an d b utte r wafe rs b isc u its , ,

sandwi ch es hot toaste d and buttered m u ffi ns o r

,

toast with a b it of pl u m o r othe r cake are the

, ,

o n ly th i ngs o ne sees I n adoptin g a fashi o n we are

.

apt to el abo rate it s ay o u r c riti cs the wo rl d o ve r

, , .

S andwi ches are no longe r the p ri mi tive a ffai rs o f

’
o u r grand mothe rs d ay b u t toothso m e m o rsels ,

wi th th e addi ti on al c h arm of th e u nexp ected .

T he rolli ng and tyi n g of ri bbons i s not i n good

taste beca u s e s u ggestive o f to o m u c h hand l in g .

Th e little two sto ried te a tables are m ost c on

- -

v e n ie n t a nd so me are fu rthe r su pple me nted with

,

wi ng s o f th e s iz e o f plates It i s p ref .

c rab le to keep al l its belo ngi ngs o n th e

tabl e i t s elf and n o t distrib ute the m o n

,

all th e adj acent fu rnitu re as i s o ften d one I f p os, .

sibl e it i s we ll to have a l ittle table he re and th e re

, ,

o r othe r co nve n ie nc e wh ereo n a cup m ay be lai d ,

wh il e som e ti ny pl ates and s m all napki ns give o ne

a feeli n g o f s ecu rity agai n s t acci dents .

The wom an wh o m ay always be fo u n d i n h e r

’
drawi n g r oo m at five o cl ock o n hospitabl e thought s
-

1 12
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

b e a lo t o f peopl e there d ri nki ng te a an d ch atte r

,

i n g !h is wi fe c al ls it
A fte r al l the l ittle ti m e between hi s retu rn ho m e
,

i n th e afternoon and th e ho u r fo r reti ri ng i s al l the

ho m e life th at m any a m an ha s .

A tho u ghtfu l wi fe wi ll t herefo re as s u m e a pe r

fu n c to ry s m i le an d a m an ne r a l i ttl e d istraite as
’
sh e h ears he r h u sban d s l atch key i n th e
-

W i f e ly
d o or o r h is fam il i ar step o n th e stai r as
am e n i t i e s
,

th e gentl est re m inde r to her gu ests th at

i t i s growi ng late A tact fu l wi fe te mpts h er hu s
.

b and as h e r l as t best gu est i nto th e pleasant

, , ,

ro o m a fte r th e gu ests d epart wh ere sh e s its befo re

,

h e r u r n m akes h i m a fresh c u p of tea and ente r

, ,

tai ns h im w ith al l the news b its o f gossi p o r i nte r

, ,

esti ng c o nver s atio n th at the a fterno o n h as b ro u ght

her.

1 14
Ch a p t e r E ig h t h — I N T R O D U C I N G
A D EB U T A N T E

Wel c o m e h e r al l thi n gs y o u thful and s w ee t

, ,

S c atte r t h e b l o s s o m s u n d e r h e r fee t
’
H I S is the lan gu age of the m other s
heart as S h e leads he r yo u n g d au gh
,

ter forth fro m th e obsc u rity o f h o m e

l ife to present he r to th e soci al
,

wo rld of he r own ac qu ai ntanc e .

It i s u su ally a so m ewh at tryi n g o rd eal fo r both

p aren t and c hi ld The mothe r c an n ot b u t fee l
.

so me m isgivin gs lest he r car e fully n u rtu re d d ar

li n g b e co ntami nated by he r i nterco u rse with
V a nity F ai r an d to the d au ghte r the nove l p os i
,

ti o n b rin gs a ce rtai n awkward s el f consc i o u sn ess

-
,

as she feels d i rected towards he r the l enses of a

c ritical i nspe cti on .

F o rt u nately howeve r the ki ndl i ness th at lies at

, ,

the heart of h u m anity i s u su ally warmed i nto l i fe

at s ight o f a you n g gi rl m aki ng he r fi rst in d e p e n
de nt step i nto th at wo rld o f wh ich she is to b e
co m e a p art , a S h arer i n its we al and wo e .

’
Thi rty years ago a yo u n g gi rl s e ntranc e i nto
fashi o nabl e soci ety was i nvar i ably m ad e at a ball
given at her own ho m e .

N ow we rarely give balls to celebrate thi s im po r

tant event bu t th e form al p resentati o n o f the yo u n g
,

1 15
ETIQU E TTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

wo m an takes pl ace at an aftern oo n te a o r R ec ep

Th e ti o n to wh ic h all her fri end s an d those of
,

p r e s e n t he r p are nts are bi dden as well as s u ch ,

”S h i m
acqu ai ntan ces as they care to i ncl u d e .

T he cards an no u nce that M rs J o nes B rown .

S m ith will be at hom e o n a ce rtai n afterno o n fro m

’
fo u r u n ti l seve n and th e débu tante s n am e e n
, ,
~

grave d ben eath that o f her m othe r i n fo rm s the ,

reci p i e nts fo r wh at p u rp o s e the entertai nm e nt i s

given and they add he r n am e to th eir l ists o f those
,

who m th ey m ay i nvite to di nners b alls etc , , .

’
A déb utante s p res entatio n gown at a L o nd o n
D rawi ng roo m i s always wh ite b e the m ate ri al
-
,

T h e d eb u
wh at i t m ay b u t with u s the
, colo r o f a
”
'
t an t e s co m i n g o u t frock i s ch ose n with
“

d re s s reference to i ts beco m in gnes s to th e

weare r I t sho u l d be i nvari ably c u t h i gh at the
.

th ro at an d with long sleeves an d be li ght i n tex ,

tu re as i n col o r and in its d ai nty s i m pli city and

,

”
“
gi rl i shness m ake a co ntrast to th e el eganc e
’
an d ri ch ness o f the m othe r s atti re .

The d rawi ng ro o m s o n th e afternoo n o f th e re

-

c e t io n are deco rated with p al ms and fl owers and

p
p otte d plants The wi ndow shades are d rawn
.

an d the li ghts l i ghted fo r d arkness settles d own

,
’
so o n afte r fo u r O clock d u ri n g the m o nth of
N ove mber — the be gi nni ng o f the seaso n when
, ,

m ost o f th e p resentatio ns take place S atu rd ay i s .

th e favo rite day of the week Th e you ng m en are .

apt to b e m o re free to attend and are always ,

thou ght to len d é clat to the oc casio n .

1 16
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O C C ASIONS

he r dau gh te r i s to s peak to th e gues ts as they

e nte r an d agai n as they l e ave an d to s tan d always
, ,

at th e d o o r O f the ro o m s o that th e re s h all be no

,

d i ffi c u lty i n find in g the m They need not s ta nd

.

as tho u gh ro ote d to th e spot I f i nterest i n som e .

thi n g o n e h as s ai d o r the d e s i re to p rol on g the

m o m enta ry co nve rsati o n lead th e yo u n g wo m an a
few steps fro m he r pl ace afte r th e fi rs t ru s h of
,

a r rival s is ove r i t bu t show s he r to b e n atu ral an d

,

at h e r e ase .

“
I t i s the fi rst step th at cos ts an d i f o u r ,

m ai den c an p revent he r s m ile fro m be com i ng set

an d he r m anne r me chan i cal she will i m p res s m any,

i n he r favo r S he sh ou l d p ron ou n ce th e n am e of
.

each perso n with d isti n ctn es s an d a graci o u s in fle c

ti o n o f th e vo i ce whe n p resented and n ot m ake ,

to o O bvi o u s a d i ffe renc e i n greeting h e r pe r s o n al

fri end s fro m he r n ew ac qu ai ntance s th o u gh a ,

heartie r h and clasp m ay e xp re ss he r ple asu re

‘
-

a nd co rd ial ity .

T hre e o r fo u r gi rl fri e nds a r e u s u al ly station e d

ab o u t th e ro o m s to assist i n receivi n g an d e nte r
Th e tai ni n g the gu ests whi le two o thers rep
,

a s s i s t an t s rese nt the hostess i n the d i ni n g r oo m -

.

° ft h °
These o f co u rse arri ve befo re the ho u r
h o s te s s
app o i nted i n th e i nv i tati on s we ar i n g ,

light h igh necked gowns th at harmo niz e wi th ea c h

,
-

othe r an d withou t h at s I f they h ave a b o u t the

, .

s am e set o f ac qu ai ntances they wi ll know m an y of

,

the gu ests p resen t b u t if they d o n ot know the m

,

by n ame they a re re p resen ti ng th e ho s te ss and

,

1 18
 ’

INTRODUCING A D EBUTANTE

m ay sp eak to any o n e ; p artic u l ar ly is i t the i r d uty

to S in gle o u t fo r attentio n any who m ay s ee m n u
ac qu ai nted wi th tho s e p re s ent Th e conve r s atio n .

ge ne rally O pens with the i nvitatio n Wi ll yo u not

c o m e i nto the d i ni ng ro om an d let m e get yo u
-
,

so m e te a o r s o methi ng ? L et these yo u n g wo m e n
re me m be r that they are d etailed fo r d uty an d i n ,

the i r co nvers atio n with the yo u ng m en p res en t !fo r

m e n are i ncl u d ed i n the i nvi tation s an d thei r
p re s e nc e i s app rec iated ) not fo rget the i r re p re
s e n tat ive characte r .

I n the d i ni ng roo m the tabl e i s tastefu lly a r

-

ran ged wi th fl owe r s li gh ts an d o th e r p re tty d eco r

, ,

atio n s o f b on bo n s cakes etc a s i ngle

, , .
,
'

T h e t ab i e
colo r pred o m in ati ng Pi nk o r wh ite and
.

g ree n are the favo rite colo rs fo r the d eco rati o ns .

Th ree o r fo u r me n servants are i n attend ance

-
.

Th e m en u d i ffers i n no way fro m that o f a n

” ’
o rd i n ary te a i nvitatio ns to wh i ch i n cl u d e on e s
,

en ti re acqu ain tance A n o rch estra i s u su al ly c o n

.

c e al e d behi nd a screen of p l ants an d p al m s o r a

porti ere o f sm ilax .

The e ntertai n ment often co ncl u de s with a l ittl e

d i n ne r give n to th e yo un g wom e n wh o A lit t l e
,

h ave helped to re c e ive the gu ests an d to di n n e r t o

o th er particu l ar fri e nd s o f the yo u n g -

t h e fe t e
qu een o f th e fete S he i s n ow fai rly
.

”
o ut as th e c u rrent cant ph rase h as it and invi
, ,

t at io n s prob ably fo llow .

S o me pe rsons thi nk it i n bette r taste to gi ve a

m ore qu iet notificatio n to frie nds that a d au ghte r
1 19
ETIQ UETTE F O R ALI . OCCASIONS

has c o mplete d he r stu d i es and is re ady to e nte r

the wo rl d o f s o ciety O the rs a r e restricted fro m
.

S i m pl e r
i nviti ng all thei r friends by th e S iz e of

e n t e r t ai n thei r ho u ses and send c ards fo r two

, ,

m e n t s i ° r th ree o r fo u r afte r noo n teas i n o rde r to

, ,
a d éb u’
acc o m m o d ate th ei r acqu ai ntances In .

s u ch cases the re m ay b e a tabl e i n the d i ni n g

roo m p rettily d eco rated at o ne e nd o f wh i ch a gi rl
,

fri e nd wi ll s e rve tea a nd O pp osite he r anoth e r wh o

,

wi ll po u r ch oco l ate Th e d i ni ng ro o m is O fte n so

.
.
-

c rowded that th e h ostess an d her d au ghte r are left

qu ite alo ne i n thei r gl o ry N eed le s s to say th i s i s
.

n ot good fo rm o n th e p art o f the gu e s t s

'
.

The déb utante rece ives with he r m oth e r o f ,

c o u rse and n eve r leave s the d rawi n g ro o m u nti l

,
-

nearly eve ry o ne i s gon e when sh e m ay j oi n her ,

rem ai nin g fri en ds i n the d i n i ng roo m to talk i t - “

”
over .

A fte r a y o u n g girl h as b ee n th u s lau nched o r “

‘

even i f sh e o nly qu i etly recei ves with h er m othe r

’
wh e n th at l ady s fri en ds vi si t h e r sh e m ay ac ce pt ,
”
i nvitatio ns to b al l s etc and i s then i n so ci ety
,
.
,
“

an d s u bj ect to al l its co nventi on alities .

U po n h e r S h o ul d d evolve the d uty o f keep

i n g the acco u nt o f re ceptio n d ay s s eei ng th at ,

c ards are sent n oti ng any ch an ge o f,

resid en ce i n the add ress book writi n g ,

n otes o f i nvitati o n acceptance o r regret, , .

O n rec eivi ng d ays she u s u ally assu mes th e d u ty o f

d i spe nsing the tea o r o fferin g i t and i n all e nter ,

’
tai n i ng i s h er mothe r s c oadj uto r .

1 20
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

n ot m o re than twe nty o r th i rty c o u ple s the atre ,

p arties prope rly c hape ro ne d —th e s e are s o m e o f

,

th e ways i n wh ic h a yo u ng gi rl can m ake m e rry

wi th he r frie n ds b efo re the p roporti on s o f h e r
,

V i siti ng list sh al l i m pos e othe r and greate r o bl i

-

ga d on .

I t i s u s u al fo r the débu tante to gi ve som e s p ec ial

e nte r tai n m e nt fo r th e gi rl s who h ave rec e ive d
”
A with h er at h er co mi ng o u t tea i n
“

pl e as an t reco gnitio n of th at co u rtesy Th ey are .

° b l ig afi ° n
the guest s o f h o no r b u t othe rs are in ,

vi red with the m fo r a l u nc heo n d i nne r th eatre , ,

p a rty o r d anc e
, .

I t i s d i ffic u lt to p ictu re a happi e r l i fe o r on e of

greater freed o m tha n th at enj oyed by the gi rls
o f the p resent d ay S po rts an d pl eas
S o c i al
.

u res fo rm erly the m onop oly o f y o u n g

pl e as u r e ‘

an d m en are allowed to b e h e r p rivil ege to

S ° °i al
enj oy as well L i fe is re plete with
.

p re s s u re
va r i ed i nte rests b u t i s apt to bec om e
,

ove rc rowd ed .S oc i al pl easu r e i nvolves soci al

p ress u re an d h ealth i s sac rificed i n th e p u rsu i t of
,

h ap pi ness TO i nsist u po n m od erati o n i s the

.

’
m othe r s resp o nsibil ity .

I n m aki ng c alls with h e r dau ghte r a wo m an ,

wh o h as e nj oye d th e repu tati o n o f bei n g so ci ally

A h in t attractive o r a n i nteresti ng talke r m u st
t o th e rem em be r not to o ve rshad ow the gi rl ,

“ mi ll e r b ut l eave ro o m fo r h e r personal ity to

express its el f lead in g th e co nversati o n to s u bj ects
,

abo ut wh ic h she c an talk with i nte re s t .

1 22
 INTRODUCING A D EB U T A N T E

’
Th e qu esti o n o fte n aris e s i n the p arents m i nds
whethe r o r no t to take advantage of opp ortu n iti es
that p r ese nt the mselve s to i ntro d u ce
thei r d au ghters i nto weal th i e r o r mo re
fashi o n able c i rcles than those p erhaps
to wh ich they have b ee n accu sto m ed It is .

always h owever at a l ittl e risk to h app i ness to

, ,

th row a yo u n g gi rl am on g thos e whose lives are

a p erpetu al p ageant It i s apt to i n d u c e fals e and
.

exagge rated i d eas o f th e valu e o f m o ney a nd ,

those wh ose l i ght p u rse m ust n ot op en fo r u nne

c e s s ary l u xu ri es grow d iscontented a nd l o s e the

j oy o f l i fe .

The p ro gram m e lai d o u t fo r a d eb u tan te by a

m othe r wi th s oci al asp i rations i ncl u des a b o x at
the o p era fo r the s easo n that the gi rl, Th e
m ay b e seen i nvi tatio ns to the fashi o n f a s h i o n abl e
,

n ’a m m e
ab le p u bl i c b al ls p receded by d i nners
, ,

to wh i ch are i nvited the el igi ble yo u n g m en ,

th u s layi n g the m u nd e r ob li gati o ns wh i ch i t i s

ho ped wi ll be d i sch arged by d anci n g with th e
d au ghte r A m o nth o r two at N ewp ort and Bar
.

H arbor a fe w weeks at L en ox i n the au tu m n

, ,

Tu xedo at C h ristm as and a L o nd o n seaso n i n the

,

a showy caree r to wh ich wealth i s th e

,

s s p o rt and a co n s p ic u ous m arri age th e ai m .

A girl sho u l d keep he rsel f i n fo rm ed o f the

c u rrent news o f th e d ay know at least the name s
,

and au thors o f the n ew b ooks an d be able to say,

s om ethi ng abo u t those sh e has read Th e art o f .

co nve rs atio n wel l reward s the p ains O f acqu i ri ng

L

!
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASI ONS

i t and th e ab ili ty to d an c e wel l i s alway s a p a s s

,

p o rt to favo r .

S h e i s expected to u nd erstand wh at i s goo d

i n m u s ic and to hear whe n possible th e S in gers
, , ,

and m u si ci ans talked ab o u t .

A n i ntelli gent symp athetic li stene r who al ways

, ,

gives o ne hi s legiti m ate half i n the co nve rsati o n

and whos e m an n er i s respo nsive i s always an ,

agreeabl e co m p an i o n .

I n replyi n g to a co m p li m ent th e resou rces of ,

fancy see m to be si n gu larly at fau lt a m on g the

p rese nt ge ne rati o n I t i s awfully ki n d o f yo u to
.
“

say s o ,
s eem s to exhau st all m od ern re qu i re
m ents .

A s ense of hu m o r and a fac i lity fo r go od natu red -

d roll ery are worth c u lti vati ng b ut are o nly pe r ,

m an e n tl y pl easi n g whe n i nno cent an d ki ndly i n

spi ri t A bove all l et a d eb u tan te try to speak
.
,

well o f eve ryb ody an d c u lti vate the h abit o f see

,

i ng peo ple i n a favo rable l ight A ready retentio n .

'

o f th e n am es and faces o f th e peo pl e presente d

always pleases an d a ready s m ile i s wi nni n g
, .

A gi rl accepts n o atte ntio ns fro m m e n u nti l

’
th ey h ave c alled !at h e r m other s i nvi tatio n )
and are o n a footi ng o f acqu aintance
A w e ll
b r e d gi r l sh i p F
. lowe r s bonbo ns an,d books are ,

th e only gi fts that i t i s pe rm issibl e fo r

h er to accept fro m a m a n u nle s s she i s en gaged
to h i m .

S h e s ho u l d n ot pay c o mpl i ment s to m en no r ,

S how he r p refe rence fo r any o ne too obvi ou sly

,

1 24
0nap fo r N i n t é — LU NC HE O NS , BR E A K
FASTS AN D SUP PE RS
'

NE
o f the cleve rest of F rench me n
d efine d a c l u b as a Parad i se fro m
w h ic h E ves are excl u d e d We wi ll
b e m o re co u rteo u s an d say that a ,
’
wom an s l u nch eo n i s the nearest
fe m i n i ne app r o ach to the sam e ki nd o f enj oy m en t
th at i s at p resent op e n to those of u s wh o are n ot
cl ub wo m en i n th e absence of o u r resp ecti ve
-
,

A d ams .

U nli ke o u r E n gl i s h co u s ins app are ntly A m e ri

, ,

c an wo me n se e m to h ave a hearty pleasu re i n e ac h

’
other s soci ety A p rogressive
. E n gl ish gi rl
o nc e explain ed the re aso n to her satis facti on In .
“

”
yo u r co u ntry sh e sai d ,
there are m en e no u gh
,
“

to go aro u n d .

B e th e reaso n what it m ay th e p op u l arity o f ,

’
wom e n s l u nch eons see ms to d em onstrate th e fact .

Th e F ren ch i nvite th ei r fri e nd s to sh are th ei r dé

j e u n e rs a l a fo u rchette ; the E ngl ish have thei r
’
fi ve o clo ck teas wh ich h ave the sam e ch arm o f
-
,

i nfo rmal ity ; b ut i t re m ai ns wi th th e wo m en o f

”
A m eric a t o have evolved the lu ncheo n i n its “

p resent fo rm as a d ai nty fe m i ni n e entertai n m ent .

To i nsu re its su ccess i t is o f co u rse of the fi rst

, ,

i mp ortanc e to b ri ng togeth e r peop l e wh o wi ll b e

1 26
 L U N C HE O N S , B R E A KF A S T S , S U P PE R S

con gen ial I t i s wel l to se n d th e i nvitati on s fro m

.

a week to two weeks i n advance o f th e l u nche o n ,

ac co rd i n g to the d egree o f i ts elegance F i rs t

an d fo rm ality ; an d a w ritte n note i s c o n di t io n
° f s u cce ss
al ways best co rdi al fri endly and co n
, , ,

ve y in g to th e rec ip ient a welco me i n adva nce .

Try no t to repeat the s am e note b u t let yo u r ,

friend s perso nal ity possess and i nsp i re you tho u gh

’
,

an obvi ou s e ffo rt afte r o ri gi nal ity i s always d is as

tro u s The u s u al hou r i s o ne o r h alf afte r o ne
.

’
o cl ock .

’
If y o u d o ubt yo u r c ook s abil ity by all means ,

h i re o n e fo r th e o ccasi o n i f the e nte rtai n m ent b e

,

an elabo rate on e an d sa ve yo u r p eace T

h e co o k
,

of m i nd Excellent c ooks may b e h ad

.

i n large ci ties who fo r th ree o r five d o l lars wi ll serve

a very d ai nty repast and thi ngs freshly co oked i n
,

yo u r own kitch en h ave a superi o r fl avo r to anythi ng

se nt fro m a c aterer and warmed ove r .

I f yo u r bu tle r o r waitress b e in e xp e ri
e n c e d w rite legibly o n a sh eet o f p ape r
,

t h e characte r an d o rd e r o f e ach co u rse wi th any ,

d i rections yo u m ay d es i re and post i t u p i n a c on

,

s p ic u o u s place i n th e pantry fo r referen ce The ;

s ervant m ay qu ietly consul t thi s betwee n th e

co u rses and thu s avoi d taxi n g th e m em o ry and th e
, ,

h ostess m ay d evote herself to he r gu ests w itho u t

an xi ety Two person s are requ i red to se rve m o re
.

than si x gu ests wel l and an ass i stant i n the pantry

,

wi ll b e fo u nd a great co nve ni e nce i f n ot a n ec essity

, .

I n ho u sehold s where m any se rvants are e mployed ,

127
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

the l u ncheo n wo u l d be s erved by the b utle r i n a fte r

noo n l ivery ass iste d by a fo o tm an in ho u se l ive ry
,
’
,

o r by o n e o r m o re m ai ds i n black gowns wi th wh ite

caps and ap ron s I n m o re m odest establi sh m ents
.

two m aids c an serve a l u ncheon ve ry acceptably .

E i th er u se a pol i shed m ahogany table with a

ce ntrep i ece an d doi li es to m atch o r i f yo u p refe r ,

a l u nche o n c loth have th e centrep iec e

L ay i n g t h e
,

t abl e b u t n o place d 0 1l l e s M o re l at.i tu d e i s

allowed i n th e m atte r o f n ap e ry at a l u n
ch eo n than fo r a d in n e r A fai r wh ite cloth i s
.

consi d e red to b e i n the b est taste fo r th e l atte r ,

wh i le at l u ncheo n th e tab lecloth m ay b e as el ab

o rate as o n e m ay desi re ado rned with d rawn wo rk
,
-
,

e mb ro i de ry i n wh ite o r ri chly tri m med w ith he avy

,

l ace l ike th ose s o o fte n s e e n i n p ai ntin gs Th e

, .

napk i n s are u su ally s m alle r than those u s ed at

d i n ne r A fernery o r d ish o f fru it m akes a n acc ept
.

abl e c entrep i ec e fo r an i n fo rm al l u n cheo n b u t a ,

b o w l sil ve r l ovi ng c u p o r vase of fl owe rs i s alway s

,
-
,

see n whe re the re are m any gu ests o r i f th e l u n ,

ch eo n i s i n the n atu re of a c o m l im e n
T h e f ru gal p
m in d o n tary ente rtai nm en t The wom an of
.

Pl e a s u r e S len de r m ateri al reso u rces m ay s u pp l e

hw t
m e nt the m with a l ittle ingen u ity The .

street ve nd e rs sell fl owe rs that wi ll l ast fresh fo r

-

seve ral ho u rs at ve ry m odest c ost O n e yo u n g

, .

ho u sekeeper l acki n g a n eperg n e filled a deep p an

, ,

with p in k roses abo u t wh i ch sh e ti ed a wi de sati n

,

ri bbo n m atch in g the blo ssom s wh i ch c on cealed ,

the plebei an c h aracte r o f the p an and with a b o w ,

1 28
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

pop u l arity and a re rega rd ed as i n bette r taste than

,

wi nes C h amp agne i s enti rely ban ished

. .

Th e c u sto m of givi n g favo rs at l u n cheo ns h as

b ee n s o ove rd on e as to h ave bee n aband o ne d alto
geth e r A bu n ch of vi o lets a si n gle rose o r ve ry
.
, ,

occ asio na l ly a s m all bo nbo nn i ere i s the

o nly favo r n ow co nsi de red to be goo d
form . V i ol ets are u s u ally p referred .

The n ame c ard s are si m ple ones w ith the m o no

-

gram of th e hostess b u t m ay b e m ade to c on

,

tri bute to the artisti c co m pl i mentary o r am u si n g

, ,

featu res o f th e occ as io n i f one ple ase O n the

, .

reve rs e s i d e so m eti m es a qu otatio n ap p ro p ri ate o r

fl atteri n g i s written Men u s a re neve r used
. .

Th eoretically arti fici al li ght at m i dday i s n ot i n

the best taste bu t n o o ne l ikes to si t fac i ng a su n ny
,

’
wi n dow wi th o n e s opposite n eighbo rs
L i gh t i n g
tu rn ed i nto si lh ou ettes and then c and le
t h e t a bl e
,

ligh t i s becom i n g and the s h ades d e co

r at ive . A ll o f wh i ch reaso ns will p rob ably co n
spi re to excl u d e the d ay l i ght .

P o in t s o f A fo rmal l u ncheo n d iffe rs fro m a d i n

di ffe r e n c e n e r b u t i n few p artic u lars The m anne r .

b et w e en a
of s e rv m g l s al m ost i d ent i cal
lu n ch e o n .

an d 3 F ru i t i s p refe rred to oysters as a fi rst

di n e r co u rse bo u illo n i s s erved i n c u ps c o m
n
, ,

m o n l y with two h and l es and th e ro ast i s ofte n

,

repl aced by ch op s with p eas o r a p u rée of chest

n u ts o r by an extra entrée
, .

The u su al ste reotyped lu ncheo n i n wi nte r begi n s

with gra p e fru it c u t i n h alves the pulp loosened
-
,

1 30
 LUNCHE O NS , B RE AKFAS TS , SUPPERS

arou n d the edge th e se ed s re m oved p owd ered

, ,

s u gar p u t i n the ce ntre an d d ash ed with m are s c h in o

, .

A hal f i s place d befo re each p erso n ,

Th e m e n u
so m eti m es wre athed abo u t wi th s m il ax
on the plate a n d e ate n wi th a d esse rt o r tea sp oo n
, .

C lam b roth o r bou i ll o n follows se rved i n c u ps ; ,

then lobster o r fish i n i nd ivi d u al shells ; an en tré e o f

chi cken s w eetb read o r a vol au vent ; the n fi l e t
, ,
- -

o f b eef o r ch ops with F ren ch p eas o r s tri ng beans .

C hocol ate may be here p assed i n c u ps with whipp ed

c ream o n the top u nless win e o r c u p is served
, .

The n ext co u rse wi ll be bi rds and lettu ce with

F ren ch d ressi n g o r a m ayo n naise of c ele ry Th is .

i s som eti mes p reced ed by a sorbet o r R o m an

pu n ch se rved i n very th i n glasses o r a si mple ,

vegetable , as paragu s o r artichokes The gam e .

c ou rse m ay be replaced b y an asp i c o f fo i e gras o r

to m ato j elly i n a ri n g m o u l d the c e n tre fille d with ,

d ressed cel ery The m eal c o n clu des wi th ices

.
,

cakes bo nbons and c o ffee se rved at table o r i n

, , ,

th e d rawi ng roo m
-
.

I n the s u m m e r a ch arm i ng l u nch eo n m ay c o ns i st

o f s m all clam s o n i ce j ellied bo u i ll on co ld salm o n
, ,
.

with green m ayo nnaise sweetb re ads o r m u sh , ,

room s o n toast b ro iled ch icken with lettu ce stra w

, ,

berri es o r peaches wi th i ce c ream bonbons an d , ,

co ffee.

I t i s al w ays a m ark of d isti n cti on wh e n a hostess

m ay give h e r gu ests certai n dishes not eaten
elsewhe re . These sho u ld not appear so o fte n
as to give the i mp ressi o n of m o notony b u t often ,

13 1
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

en o u gh to m ak e o n e anti c ip ate the i r p o ssi ble

reapp eara nce .

The gu ests re m ove thei r wrap s i n a n u pstai rs

roo m retai ni ng thei r h ats ; the h ostess we ars a
,

p retty h ou se d ress -
.

The se rvant i s i nfo rm e d o f the n u mbe r of gu ests

expected and whe n al l h ave arrived l u nche o n i s
,

an no u nced S h o u ld t h e re b e a b el ate d gu est the

.

hostes s d efers t h e o rd e r fo r l u nch eo n n o t l on ge r

than fi fteen m i n utes i n j u sti ce to the rest The re
, .

i s n o fo rm al p ro cess i o n i n ente ri n g th e d in i n g
/

ro o m The h o s t e s s r is e s and si m ply says i n a

.
,

graci o u s m an ne r , L adi es lu n ch eo n i s se rve d ;

“
,

wi ll yo u fol lo w m e ? The fri end with who m sh e

i s m ost i ntim ate i s ge ne rally given the foot of th e
tabl e and th ose who m sh e m ost d esi res to h ono r
, ,

the pl aces u p o n h er ri gh t an d left .

Th e se rvants i n passi n g the d i shes begi n wi th th e

l ad ies at the ri ght an d left of the hostess altern ately ,

S e rv i n g an d goi n g i n opp osite d i recti on s b ri n g

th e e ach cou rs e last to the lady of th e ho u se .

“ fi ch e ” There is no reas o n to pass anythi n g to

h er fi rst u nless i t i s s om eth i n g a l ittl e d i ffi c u l t to
s e rve .

A h ostes s appe ars m ore as th ough h e r h ospital

i ty we re arra n ged to give pl eas u re to h e r g u ests
wh en she d oes n ot sho w a to o evid ent
A p o in t o f enj oyme nt o f he r own go o d thi n gs A
e xc e ll e n c e
.

certai n d is inte rested ness whi ch o n e in ,

s t in c t ive l y recognizes i s a b e comi n g acc o m p l ish

,

ment i n a hostess .

1 32
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

e ntertai n m en t is also m u ch s m alle r than wo u l d be

t w o l u ncheo ns o f te n o r twelve covers each .

The tabl es are u su al ly d eco rated i n d i ffe re nt

c olo rs each with a sm all c e ntrepi e ce o f fl owers a
, ,

candel ab ru m an d d ish es o f cakes an d bo nb on s

, .

A t the p retti est l u ncheo n of the ki n d I eve r s aw ,

the fo u r tables we re deco rated to s u ggest the fou r

seaso ns. Th e “
sp rin g table was all
A n a rt i s t i c
l u n ch e o n gre e n and whi te ,with li l ies o f th e valley
i n th e ce ntre ; that su ggesti ng s u m m e r
was a m ass o f roses the dec o rati o ns all a soft
, ,

bl ush i n g p i nk The o n e fo r au tu m n was a gol d en

.

glo ry of C hrysanthe m u m s and fo r wi nte r white

,

an d red the centrep i ec e o f holly E ven i n the

,
.

i ces the i de a was c arri ed o u t ; s nowballs pe r ,

fe c tl y ro u nd c o ated wi th c olorl ess le m o n i ce

, ,

we re served at the wi nte r table i ce c rea m straw

,

be rri es fo r s p ri n g rose s fo r su mm er and fru i ts

, ,

fo r au tu m n .

In co ntrast to th ese fi ne d o in gs a re
P o v e rt y
l u n ch e o n s th e tri u m phs of eco nomy realized at the
F i fty C e n t L u ncheo n C lubs .

Te n o r a d oz e n l ad ies agre ed to m eet at alte r

nate ho uses o nce a fo rtni ght fo r lu n ch eo n . At
eve ry me etin g each gu est b ro u gh t fi fty cents ,

whi ch was given to so m e ch arity and each hostess,

held he rsel f pled ged not to exceed the s u m o f five

d ol lars i n p repari ng he r e ntertai nment A t th e .

clos e o f the m eal th e h ostess read an i tem ized l ist

o f all that had bee n expended wh i ch the l ad ies
,

noted o n th e back o f th ei r n ame c ards -

.

1 34
 LUNCHEO NS , B REAKFAS TS , S UP P ER S

One ho s te ss o ffe r e d he r gu est a L iterary “

”
L u nche o n o f wh ich th e me n u was as fo llows
”
! cost , L ays o f A nci ent R o m e ! stu ff ed
eggs ) M ac au lay ; Th e R ed S kin s !l obste r farci )
,
’
C o ope r ; L amb s Wo rks !ch ops with p otato ,

”
c ro qu ettes ) L amb ;, C o m eth u p as a F l owe r
“

!m u sh room s ) R h od a B ro u ghto n ; S alad fo r the

,

S olitary an d the S oc ial !lettu ce ) S au nd e rs ; The ,

”
Q u een of C u rd s and C re am !c ream ch eese ) M rs , .

G erard ; M a n and th e G laci al p e rio d !o range i c e

i n ski ns ) W ri ght
, C o ffe e and R epartee !co ffee ) ,

J ohn K end ri ck B an gs Th e exp l an ati ons i n

.

parenthes es were not o n th e menu .

Th e tabl e was set wi th all dai nty acc esso ri es b u t ,

hom e m ad e bo nbons replaced the u s u al s weets

-
.

The pl an taxed i ngen u ity tau gh t eco no my s tim u , ,

l ated i nterest i n the p reparatio n o f n ew a nd in e x

pe n s ive d i s h es pleased by its n ovelty an d m ad e
, ,

th e inte rch an ge o f social fu ncti on s p ossible to

m any wh o wou ld otherwis e deny the mselves a
pleasu re th at they c raved and so meti mes ne ed ed ,

s i nc e the o ld p roverb abou t al l work and n o “

play is as tru e o f grown u p c hi ld ren as o f the -

l ittl e o nes .

A t ou r fashion able s u m m e r re s o rts l ad ies who

h ave thei r o wn hou ses o ften gi ve c arte blanche in vi
t at io n s fo r l u n cheon to thei r m e n fri en ds I n fo r m al ,

and enco u rage thei r wo men friends to l u n c h e o n s

i“ “ m m "
d ro p i n o ften Th e res u lt i s u su ally a
.

m erry and i nfor m al m eal wh ich rap idly ripen s i nto

,

i nti macy It perm its i rregu larity o f n u mbers an d

.

I 3S
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

u n e qu al d istri b u ti o n o f the s exes Peopl e s i t .

wh e re they please an d a l ate arri val i s m ad e

,

welc o m e They wear golf an d ten n i s s u i ts and

.
,

li n ge r at the table b ut take thei r le ave sh o rtly

,

afte r l eavi n g it i n d efe re nc e to th e p oss ibl e

,

afte rn oo n e ngage m e nts o f the hostess o r al l ad ,

j o u rn to the ve ran d a where co ffe e and c i gars ,

are e nj oyed The m e al i s u su ally a s i m ple o n e ;

.

two co u rs es an d a s alad con c l u di n g wit h fru it , ,

am ply s u ffices Ice d te a o r co ffe e h o ck o r claret

.
,

cup , an d effe rvescent wate rs are the u su al d ri nks .

A b reakfast given as an ente rtai n m ent d i ffe rs

fro m a l u nc heo n i n s eve ral pa rti cu l ars wh ich
people are not always c arefu l to o h
I Br e ak fa s t s
serve The ho u r appo i nte d sh o u l d n ot
.

’
b e late r than twelve o r h alf afte r twe lve o cl ock .

A rtifici al l i ght sho u ld if p ossible b e avo i ded , , ,

a nd th e table d eco rati o ns s u ggest d ainti ness rathe r

t h a n ri chness o r elegan ce Whatever i s s aved i n .

oth e r ways m ay be app rop ri ately exp end ed u p on

th e fl owers .

O n e of the p rettiest ce ntrep i eces that I s aw at a

b reakfast w as a ro u n d L egho rn h at fille d wi th
roses . A di sh hold in g wate r was set i n th e
c rown . I t lo oked as th ou gh a garden h at had -

se rved tempo rari ly fo r a b asket wh il e th e roses

were b ei ng gathe red S trawbe rri es fo rm ed th e
.

fi rst co u rse served i n ti ny fl o w e r p ots li ned and

,
-
,

su rro u nd ed by thei r own leaves Tho u gh a rt isti c .

,

thi s was pe rhaps strai ni n g a bi t after e ffec t an d

, , ,

si m pl i c i ty i s p ossi bly i n bette r taste .

1 36
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

o f egg c ro qu ettes fo llowed m ad e o f c hop pe d ,

h ard bo i le d e ggs m o i sten ed with the u s u al wh ite

-
,

s au ce s easo ne d with p arsley an d a s u s p i c i on of

,

o n i o n a nd eate n with a to mato s au ce

, .

C hop s with pap e r fri l ls and a bo rd e r of p otato es

,

fri ed to resembl e straw s s u cceed ed th e e ggs , .

A fter whi ch a fai r re d ap ple whi ch h ad b ee n h ol ,

lowed o u t an d fi lled with a m ayo n n ai s e o f cele ry

an d apple was plac ed at each c over o n a plate
, ,

wi th a lettu ce leaf between ; the top cu t o ff wa s r e

pl aced when the app l e was filled C ake so ake d .

i n she rry with soft c u stard s auce an d co ffee c o n

, , ,

cl u d e d th is s i m pl e b ut d ainty m eal A l arge .

b u nch o f you n g green l eaves fo rm ed th e ce ntre

p i ec e o f the tab le and a few peppe rm ints si m ple
, ,

c akes and salte d n u ts we re al l its d eco ratio n

, .

S u ppers h ave th e fl avo r of fo rbid de n fru it to

so m e wh o fan cy that reve n ge ful good th i n gs wi ll
,

exact th ei r pe nalty Th e physi c i an s

S u pp e r s
.
,

however a re ch anging thei r m i nd s

,

so m ewh at and o ften advis e a li ght su p per fo r those

,

who se m i nds o r bod i es h ave had any extra tax

u p on the m E ve n the exc ite m ent of pleasu re m ay
.

co m e u nd e r th at d i agno s is and afte r theatre o r

'

op e ra p eo ple are always h u n gry .

A fte r a th eatre party a l ittl e su pper i s i nvari ably

T h e at r e give n if i t h as n ot b ee n p recede d by
p art y a d i nne r e ither at the h o u se o f the
,

s u p p e rs
lady givi n g the e ntertai nment o r at a ,

resta u rant o f rep utati o n i f th e e ntertai ner be a

m an .

1 38
 L U N CHE O NS , BREAKFAS TS , S UP PER S

A t a p ri vate ho u s e the table i s set and s erved

as fo r a d i n ne r o r l un cheon thou gh u su ally with ,

greate r s im pli c ity Wate rc res s s andwi c hes fi n ge r

.
,

rolls li ne d with p a te d e foie gras bo nbo ns and ,

c akes fl owe rs an d fru it are o n the table The u su al

,
.

m en u i s oyste r s o n th e h al f shell bo u illo n i n cu p s ,

fol lowe d by o ne entrée sweetbreads ch i cken c ro

, ,

’
q u e t t e s with pe as c rab fa r ci
, o r lobste r a l A m é r i ,

c ain e the last a c u l i nary tri u m ph — afte r whi ch

, ,

bi rds col d o r h ot with salad co ncl u di ng with an

, , ,

i ce a nd co ffee C hamp agne or

. cu p of some “

ki n d i s u su ally s e rved .

O r a hostes s m ay o f fe r her gu e s ts a few oyste r s ,

c ol d ro ast c hicke n with l ettuc e s al ad a nd an i c e , .

B ro i le d oyste r s gri lled bones o r m u sh ro oms o n

, ,

to ast !sizz li n g hot ) al most anyth i ng appetiz i ng

, ,

m ay be s erve d at su pp e r followe d by fru i t , .

A fte r a large theatre party the m any gu ests are

o fte n served at sm all table s e ach d eco r ate d with ,

a d i fferent colo r .

There i s n o form al pai ri ng i n proceed i ng to

th e di n i ng roo m Part o f th e ch arm o f th e little
-
.

feast consists i n the rel axi ng of the su pe rfl u o u s co n

v e n t io ns . A h ostess h oweve r tries to pla c e he r
, ,

gu ests at tabl e with oth ers th an those with wh o m

th ey h ave b een si tti n g at th e theatre .

M any i nd ulgent hostes s es allow the m en thei r

c igarettes wh ile the ladies re m ain i f
, ,

th ey all acqu i esc e The obj ectio n to

.

tob acco i s me rely pe rsonal S moki ng .

au tho riz es n o l icen se no r i nsp i res it an d th e con ,

I 39
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

v e n t io n al bar agai nst i t is fas t d isappe ari n g A s .

fo r lad ies s moki ng

, a p rej u d ice d O p i n i o n i s val u e
less and i s there fo re b est s upp ressed — b u t i t i s a
te m ptatio n to i nvei gh agai nst i t ! A fte r the su p
p er th e abil ity o f s o me o ne to s i n g o n e o r two
co o n s on gs o r c oste r ballad s so m eti m es ti d es '

ove r an awkwa rd few m o ments i n wh ich n o o ne

see m s to kn ow j u st wh at to d o and a little late r ,

all take thei r l eave the yo u n g wo m en u s u ally

,

with thei r m aids who c al l fo r the m

, .

A c h afi n g di sh s u ppe r i s ge ne rally a p leasant

-

i nfo rm ali ty and o ne co nsisting of a Welsh rareb it

,

and ale o r golden b u ck !a rarebi t

,

w ith po ach ed eggs o n i t ) with l age r

b ee r i s u s u ally mu ch rel ished
, At .

the s e i nfo rm al affai rs the se rvants are n ot i n evi

d en ce E veryb ody wai ts u po n eve rybo dy else
. .

F o r an el abo rate s u pp e r which , go u rm ets “

wo u ld apprec i ate o n e m ay have bou illo n terrap i n

, , ,

c anvas back d u cks !o r red h eads ru d dy.

- -
,

A S " d u cks o r woo dco ck wi th cel ery m ay

)
2 5 o n n ais e E ach perso n i s expected to _

go u rm e t s
.

eat a whol e d u ck co oked rare and ve ry

,

hot C ham pagne o r b u rgu n dy i s served an d the

. ,

feast co ncl u des with a fru it s alad each i nd i vi d u al ,

p o rti o n s u rm o u nted by a tab lesp oonfu l of o ran ge

i ce garn i sh ed with glacé cherri e s .

Th e
I n E ngl ish hou seholds th e su pp er “

E n gli s h tray i s expected as a m atte r o f co u rse .

S u pp e r
C ol d m eat potato sal ad bread and ch eese
, ,

t ra y
Wi th ale o r bee r are i t s us u al fu rn i sh i n gs
, .

1 40
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

thei r own clai m s of app etite i n m in i s te ri n g to the

l ad ies The attentio n i s m u ch app reci ated wh e n
.

oppo rtu n ity s erves I n a s mal l roo m o r s o m e

.
,

whe re near the b al l roo m i s always a table wh ere -

,

th ro u gho u t the even i n g a se rvant d ispen ses le mo n

ad e and p u nc h fro m large b owls th at a re kept
c o n s tantly rep l en i s h ed .

A t a sm all d anc e where the assistanc e o f a ,

A s upp er c ate re r i s n ot des ired th e s u p pe r m ay ,

a t an co nsi st o f b o u illon o ne hot d i sh sal ad , , ,

i n fo r m al ices s an dwi ch es cakes bo nbo ns an d

, , , ,
d an c e
coffee Two c apabl e m a i d s e r vants
.
-

m ay se rve it acceptably .

Th e m ost elega nt way to serve a bal l s u pp er i s

at s m al l tabl es e ithe r i n a roo m adj o i n i n g o r near
,

A s u pp e r th e b al l ro o m i f-
the acco m m od ati o n, i s
s e r v e d at s paci o u s o r a co rps o f servants with
,

s m al l t a b l e s m arvellou s cele ri ty carry a nu mbe r o f

s m al l tables al ready set and d i stri b u te the m
, ,

abo u t th e b al l roo m d i ni n g —
-
roo m and h all way
, ,
-
,

i f n ecessary E ac h tabl e is arranged with l i ghts

.
,

fl owers etc at whi ch fo u r o r s ix pe rso ns m ay be

, .
,

acc o m mod ated an d are se rved i n co u rs es

, .

The s up pe r m ay c on sist o f oyste rs bo u i llo n a , ,

hot entré e ga me with salad i ces b onb o ns an d

, , , ,

c o fl e e C l aret and ch ampagne are se rved .

Th e m en u
.

The o pp o rtu n ity i s fa vo rable fo r th e

enjoyment o f so me fi n e sel ectio ns fro m th e o rc hes
tra i n total co ntrast to th e d ance m u si c
,
-
.

The s u ppe r c o nc l u d ed th e tables and ch ai rs are ,

qu ickly removed and the d ancin g re co m me nces

, .

1 42
C / mp t er Te n t é — D I N N E R S

D I NN E R
whe re the b il l of c o m “

p any and the bill o ffare a re both - -

pleasi n g h as ri ghtly bee n c all ed the

”
fl owe r of hospitality as i t i s i ts ,

m ost ch arm in g exp ress io n .

F ashi o n n ow co nde mns an ove r b o u nti fu l pro -

visi on an d the elegance of an entertai n men t d e

,

p ends rathe r u po n the cho ice o f th e vi and s th an

u p o n the n u mbe r of the cou rses G oo d taste h as .

always p u t qu al ity be fo re quanti ty The fi rst ru le .

to b e obse rved is not to attempt mo re th an c an b e

do ne well a nd wi th ease .

A centrepi ece o f flowe rs fru it o r fe rns sp otless

, , ,

d am ask s p arkling s i lver and gl ass c o m fo rtable

, ,

c hai rs a ro o m n o t to o warm a few d i sh es well

, ,

cooked and dai nti ly se rved howeve r s i mple a

, ,

ge ni al host a graci o u s hostess and pleasant p eople

, ,

fu rn ish an entertai n ment l eavi ng l ittle to b e

desi red .

We h ave begu n to recogniz e th at ente rtai nm ents

are i nten ded to be rec reatio ns and several s m all ,

d i nners ful fil that requ i rem ent bette r

L i t tl e
th an o ne o r two lo n g and el ab o rate re di n n e rs
”
pasts It i s also consi de re d sm arte r s o
.

to entertai n and that o f cou rse s ettles the m atte r

, .

1 43
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

As “
i t re qu i res a ge ntle m a n to wear a d ress
”
c o at so o nly peop le o f n ative refi ne m e n t a re ab l e
,

to ac hi eve an i d e al l ittle d i nner fo r nothi n g m u st

,

b e ove rd o ne L arge w ealth i s by n o m eans o n e o f

.

th e essenti als A s e nte rtai nin g b eco m es elab orate

.

i t p rovokes e nvy an d c ri ti cis m an d i s a th ankle ss

,

task at b est .

A ch arm i n g li ttle d i n ner m ay be gi ve n at a c ost

o f not mo re th an twe nty fi ve do lla rs fo r e i ght o r
-

te n pe rso ns o r fo r h alf th at s u m excl u s ive o f wi nes

, ,

i f a sal ad with cheese rep lace the gam e c o u rse ; o r

it m ay be a fe ast wo rthy o f L u c u ll u s an d tax th e
p u rs e o f a F o rtu natu s .

N o t the least am o n g the qu ali ficati on s o f a go o d

hostess i s to kno w h ow t o b ri n g the ri ght p eo ple
to geth e r A n otable F ren ch gas tro n o
.

m e r gives as a ru l e that th e n u mbe r o f

gu ests sho u l d n ot exceed ten p e rso ns
n o r b e fewe r th an s ix .When the n u mber i s
s m alle r the re i s li ttle s p arkl e to the c onve rsati on ,

an d where the re are m any gu ests th ey are apt to

d ivi d e th e m selves i nto gro u ps and the gayety th at
,

i s bo rn of nu mbers i s l ost .

O u r F rench man advis es a j u d ic io u s m i n gl i n g of

o l d and new fri en ds Th e ol d fri end s i d enti fy
.

the m s elves w ith the i r host and have a pe rsonal

i nte rest i n m aki n g the a ffai r a su cc ess whi l e the ,

p resence of stran ge r s sti m u lates all wits and u nd e r ,

the i nspi rati o n o f a n ew au d i ence o ld sto ries

“

r enew thei r yo u th and acqu i re fre s h ness an d

i nte re s t .

1 44
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

The d i n ne r i t s el f i s the n ext th i ng to b e de ci d ed

u p o n and the cho i ce o f d i shes m u st
,
Th e c o o k ’ ’
d epen d u p o n o n e s co ok and o ne s
pocketbo ok .

I n la rge c iti e s we m ay b e i ndepe nd ent o f the

lady who ru les o u r kitc hens an d p u rch ase s u ccess
,

an d the m ost s erene pe ace of m i nd wi th a si ngle

fi ve dollar b i ll
-
.

There are co oks whose b u si ness it i s to p repare

d i nne rs an d l u ncheo ns at the h o uses o f thei r
p atrons They c al l u po n the l ady o f the ho u s e a
.

fe w d ays befo re the ente rtai nme nt to d i scu ss the

m en u Th e coo k wil l m ake al l necessary p u r
.

chase s o r give th e lady a l ist of all th at wi ll be

requ i red H er te chn i cal knowledge o fte n s p ares
.

the h oste s s co nsi d erable expense .

’
I f o ne b e d epende nt u p o n one s own co ok an d
she h as not m u ch exp e rience i t i s wi se r n ot to ,

atte mpt anyth i ng that c an n ot be read ily aeco m

p l is h e d. To d o h erself c red it whe n u nd e r the
excitem ent o f p rep ari n g a co mpany d i n ne r i t
“
,

i s w ell fo r he r to rehe arse the entrées o nce o r

twi ce fo r p rivate fami ly c on s u mption o r th ese ,
’
m ay b e sent fro m a reli able c atere r s and warmed
ove r h ot wate r A goo d c o ok howeve r i s an
.
, ,

econ o my if o ne e ntertai n s ofte n

,
.

F o r a c ere m o ni ou s d i nne r o f ei ghteen covers o r

m o re th ree persons wo u l d b e requ i re d
,

to s e rve i t with elegan ce and p rom pt

n e ss I n l arge ho uses the s e wo u ld be
.

a b utle r fo otm an and m ai d o r two fo otmen

, , , .

1 46
 DINNERS

A d i n ne r of twelve perso ns m ay be well served by

a b utle r an d m ai d o r by two c ap able m ai ds It .

re qu i res an excepti o n al servant to do j u sti c e to a

com pany o f m o re than s i x p erso ns u nass isted , .

A n i ntell ige nt mai d m ay easi ly b e tau ght to

se rve a l a R u sse !th e servant p assi ng eve ry
“

thi n g ) whi ch i s at on ce the s i m plest an d m ost ele

,

gant fo rm o f se rvi ce When well trai ned sh e m ay

.

serve a d i nne r of ten c overs with th e hel p o f an

assi stant who ne ed o n ly be agile qu i et an d o bed i
, ,

’
e nt to her s u peri o r s gestu re o f di rectio n .

’
A n extra servant i n the bu tler s pantry i s al most
a ne cessi ty to i nsu re promptness an d ease i n
servi n g . Th e b u tle r wears even i ng l ivery o f ,

co u rse ; th e fo otmen fu ll h ou se l ivery The maid s

,
.

shou l d wear black gowns with am p le wh ite ap ro ns ,

cap s an d b road l i nen collars an d c u ffs

, th e ,
’ ’
wo man s equ ivalent fo r the b utle r s d ress l ivery .

I n givi n g s mall d i nners where c ere mo ny i s so m e

wh at relaxed it i s well to re me mbe r th at to b e
,

we ll served when gu ests are p resent i t is necessary ,

to b e w ell se rved eve ry day i n p rivate .

S carcely i nferi o r i n i mpo rtance to the othe r essen

t ial s o f a ch arm i ng d i n ner are the setti ng
L ay i n g t h e
and d eco rati o n o f the table fo r the eye
,
t a bl e
m u s t b e pleased as well as the pal ate .

N oth ing is p retti e r than a rou n d table no r is ,

any other shape as cond u c ive to general and sym

p athetic co nvers atio n I t also obvi ates th e n e c e s
.

s ity fo r a h ead and foot at table i f fo r any reaso n

,

the s eati ng of the guests o ffe r a di ffi c u lty A n .

1 47
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

adj u stabl e ro u n d top to b e p l ace d o n a tab le o f

,

any fo rm m ay b e m ad e by an o rd i nary c arp e nte r

,

w ith ro o m fo r as m any cove rs as o ne pleas e allow ,

i n g two an d a half feet o f sp ac e to e ach I f m ad e .

i n two p arts i t w i l l be fou nd m ore c onven i e nt to

,

ha nd le and to d i spos e o f wh en not i n u s e .

I n arran gi n g a s qu are table fo r ei ght pe rso ns i t

i s wel l to s e at two at e ach en d and two at e ach
s i de whi ch m akes the m e n an d wo me n alternate
,

p rop e rly .

U n d e r th e tabl e cloth wh ich sho u ld b e o f heavy

-
,

d am ask c arefu lly l au nd e red an d am ple e no u gh fo r

,

its fo u r co rn e rs to al m ost reach th e fl oo r a c ove r ,

of fe lt o r very h eavy c anton fl annel sho uld be l ai d .

I n the exact c entre of th e table i t is u su al to h ave

a centrep iece of l ace e mb ro i de red boltin g cl oth o r
,

li ne n u p o n wh i ch th e fl owe rs stand
, .

N oth in g gi ves s o festal a n ai r an d with al s u ch

refine m e nt and grace as fl owers i n th e centre of a
tabl e o r fo u r slen de r vases hold i n g a few
,

c hoi ce b losso m s fl anki ng a j ard i n i ere o f

deli cate fe rns S m il ax d i sposed abo u t
.

th e table wreath i ng the d i shes with an a rt th at

,

co nceals art i s e ffective i n d eco rati on

, .

They o f pl eth ori c p u rse s m ay h ave gorgeo u s

c e ntrep ie ces of A m e rican Beauty roses i n co m
'

b in ati o n with white l ilacs o r bri de roses wi th

m aidenhai r fern and whi te o rch i ds ; bu t any o n e
may h ave a m od est centrepi ece o f fl owe rs by
m aki n g fi rst a fo u ndatio n o f soli d green !gerani u m
sl ip s are b est fo r th e pu rpose ) and then i ntrod u ci ng
1 48
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCAS IONS

by the u se o f a p o rc elai n c andle co ntai n i n g a real ,

o ne whic h i s p u she d by a sp i ral sp ri n g as it b u rn s

, .

A l l the table p arap he rn ali a sho u l d b e p laced

with m athem ati c al regu larity S o m e s chem e of .

colo r i s u su ally chosen i n th e d ec ora

tio n o f the table to wh i ch th e flowe rs , ,

bo nbon s cand le sh ad es an d e m b ro i
,
-
,

d e red ce ntrep iece c o n fo rm b ut i t i s n ot n ow m ad e

,

qu ite s o co nsp i c u o u s as a few years ago S m all .

di shes o f s i lve r rare p o rcel ain glass o r s i lve r gi lt

, , ,
-
,
”
c al led c o m p oti e rs co ntaini ng fancy cakes bo n
, ,

bons c rystall iz ed frui ts an d salted n uts are pl ace d

, , .

where they wi ll b e m ost e ffective F l owers an d al l .

d eco ratio n s sh o u ld b e s o d isposed a s n ot to o b

stru ct the V i ew ac r oss th e tab le O l ives rad ish es .
, ,
’
and othe r ho rs d oe uvres are se rv ed fro m th e si d e
tabl e a n d at l a rge d i n ne r s dec anters are rarely put
,

u po n th e table u nle s s th ei r elegance i s a re aso n

fo r so d oi n g .

A ll elab o rate fold in g o f napki ns i s o u t o f

fashi o n Th ey are s i m p ly lai d o n the plates o r at
.

Arran ge o n e s id e fol ded s,qu are wi th the m o n o

m e n t o f gram co rne r u pp erm ost an d a rol l o r ,

“1 ° ” v e t s s qu are of b read t w o i nches thi ck withi n

the folds A t th e l eft o f th e plate th re e s ilver

.

fo rks a re pl ac ed the ti nes tu rn ed u pward O n e

,
.

h as o nly to u se th e m i n s u ccessi on begi n ni n g with ,

”
th e farthest o n e and e at i n as the lo cal Western
, ,

vernac u lar h as i t The s ilve r kn ife fo r th e fish

.

i f i t be requ i red a d i nne r kni fe an d table s p oo n

are at the ri ght .

1 50
 DI NNER S

The glasses are freshly fi lled wi th i c ed wate r bu t

with o ut i ce an d n ear the m a va s e shap ed glass fo r
,
-

sh erry a colo r e d o ne wh ite an d red o r pale gree n

, ,

sh aped li ke th e water gob let fo r wh ite w i n e a -

,

d u p li c ate i n wh ite fo r claret and a low fl ari n g o ne ,

fo r ch ampagne S m all tu mbl e rs are u s ed fo r

.

m i neral waters .

Me n u s are o nly u se d at very large fo rm al d i n ,

ners and n am e cards a re o f the s i m p le s t

,
-
p l ai n ,

c ards with the m on ogram of the hostess

”
o r th e fam i ly arm s i n gilt F avo rs “
.

a nd el ab o rate n am e c ard s a re u se d o n ly -

i f the feast be give n to m ark so m e spec i al o cc a

si o n o r ann ive r s ary wh en i nventive wi t m ay h ave ,

fu ll pl ay .

S po on s fo r whi ch th e re i s n o u se sho u ld n ot be
sc attered ab ou t th e table I n d i vi d u al salts o r .

l arge salt c ellars are u sed acc o rd in g to taste an d

-

p refe ren ce .

The fash io n o f h aving a d i ffe rent set o f p lates

fo r each co u rse shows no ab atem ent an d as they ,

c o m e at al l p ri ces th e servic e n eed n ot b e m ore

,

costly than a whole set o f u n i fo r m p atte rn I f a .

h ostess h ave bu t o n e two o r th ree sets o f ch oi ce , ,

pl ates they wo u l d b e use d fo r th e fru it gam e

, ,

c o u rse and entré e i n that o rd e r o f i mpo rtance

, , .

V egetabl e and m eat di shes of s i lve r o r plated

ware h ave the advantage ove r china o f b ei n g
u nb reakabl e .

A si d e tabl e su ppl ied with extra kn ives fo rks

, , ,

sp oo ns etc i s a necessity U po n th is are also the

,
.
, .

I SI
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L OCCASIONS

fi n ge r -
bowl s u nti l need ed h alf filled w ith wate r
, , ,

e ac h with i ts l eaf o r s m all blosso ms .

T he servi c e a la R u ss e i s accepted as the si m

p l e s t an d m ost elegan t i n E ngl and F ran ce , ,

A m eri c a an d p robably the co nventi on al

,

S e rv i n g
c u sto m o b t ain s as wi d ely as fash i on i n
'

t h e t a bl e
’
d ress an d it i s sai d th at Wo rth s c rea
,

tions fi n d t h ei r way to Patago n i a .

The d ishe s a re p asse d h eld o n the flat o f the

’
se rvant s h and with a n apkin b etween a l arge
, ,

sp o o n an d fo rk i n each from whi ch al l help the m

,

s elves . A tray i s u sed fo r s u c h th ings as are

m e rely passed to a p erso n n ot requ i ri n g the ,

slightest effo rt to serve hi m self .

Th e servants b egi n alte rn ately at th e ri ght an d

le ft o f the host an d p roc eed i n opp osite d i recti o n s
,

i n regu la r o rde r that th e s ame pers on s be not

,

serve d fi rs t and l ast A t a d i nner o f twelve c ove rs

.

o r m o re two d ishes i n d u p l ic ate p assed s im u l ta

, ,

n e o u s l y t h e s ervants begi n n i ng at d i f
, fe re nt s ides
and O pp o site ends o f the table i s at o nce the m o re ,

e legant and exped iti o u s m an ne r of servin g N oth .

in g i s mo re i nel egan t th a n fo r the servants to c arry

p i les o f pl ates i n thei r h and s an d distri b ute them
ab ou t th e tabl e as tho u gh d eal i ng card s A ll .

pl ates sho u ld be b ro u ght and re moved o ne by

o n e U po n withd rawi n g a soil ed plate a fresh o n e
.

i s sli pped q u ietly i n its place b u t not u nti l all pe r

,

so n s h ave fi nished N either m ust on e plate ever

.

b e l ai d u po n an other fo r c onven i ence i n re m oval .

Thi s sh o ul d be i nsisted u po n T h e plates sh o u ld .

1 52
E TIQUE TTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

s erve d fro m th e p antry the p lates abo ut half fu ll

, .

To exped ite the s e rvi ce th e se rvant s m ay b ri n g

,

two p late s of so u p each fro m th e p antry an d pl ac e

the m o n a s id e table b u t o nly o ne m ust b e c arri ed
,

to th e tabl e at a ti me by each I n re movi n g th e .

s o u p pl ate s the u n de r plates are sti ll left whi ch

-
, ,
’
n ow co me i nto re qu isi ti on fo r the ho rs d o eu vres ,

wh i ch gi ves p l ac e i n tu rn to th os e fo r the fi s h .

With th e fis h a s au c e i s co m m o nly p assed and ,

s o m eti mes c uc u mbe r s and bo i led p otato e s li ke

m arbles .

Th e e ntrée if s erve d i n t iny s au cep an s o r i nd i

,

vi d u al fo rm s i s p laced b efo re the gu est s

, .

The ro ast is c arve d i n th e kitche n o r p antry ,

an d n eatly d i sp osed u po n the d ish A s in gle .

vegetable acco mpan ies it o r with a fi l e t a j ar

,

di ni ere o f seve ral s m all vegetabl es i s ofte n placed

abo ut it as a garn ishi n g .

Th e gam e follo w s with a s alad fo r which s m all ,

col d plates are p rovid ed to in s u re its c risp ness , .

These pl ates are slip ped u nobtrusively i nto plac e

as the s alad i s o ffe red an d withdrawn i f i t i s r e
,

fused — not d ealt ab o u t th e tab le .

S alted al m on ds are passed between th e co u rses

an d are co nven ient to b rid ge d elays .

A fte r the game th e tabl e i s cleared fo r th e

sweet co u rse E ve ryth in g not requ i red is re
moved o n a servi n g tray cove red wi th a d oily and
-
,

the c ru mbs are b ru sh ed o ff .

Ices i n i nd ivi d u al fo rms are placed b efore th e

gu ests b u t the larger fo rm s are p assed followed
, ,

I S4
'
 DINNE R S

by th e cakes The fi n ge r bowls o n a h andso m e

.
-

pl ate — t h e cho i cest o f the hoste s s s co llectio n ’

wi th a do ily between c ontai n in g a sli c e of le mon

, ,

a geran i u m leaf o r a few violets are p l aced be fo re

, ,

the gu ests an d the fru it i s passed fol lowe d by the

, ,

bo nbo n s
C o ffee is se rve d to the l ad ies i n th e d rawi n g
ro om and to the me n wi th ci gars a nd ci garettes
, . ,

wh e n the lad i es have withd rawn L i qu e u rs follow .

the co ffee b ut the s u bj ec t of wi nes wi ll be c o n

,

s id e re d farthe r o n .

F o r th e u su a l d i nn e r when gu ests are bi dd en , ,

raw oysters fo rm th e fi rst cou rse wh ich as sp ri n g , ,

advanc es are replac ed by little n eck

,
-

T h e m en u
cl am s o r fru it s trawbe rri es an d late r
, ,

m elons peach es etc G rape fru it so m etim e s fo l

,
.

l ows o r replaces the oysters p rep ared wi th a d ash ,

o f m araschi no o r c ontai nin g a few b rand i ed

”
ch erri es o r a m acéd oi ne of s m all fru i ts
“
.

N ext follows the clear sou p gree n tu rtle if , ,

p refe rred o r i f the sou p be m ade fro m b eef o r

,

c hi cken terrap in so metimes s u cc eed s the so u p i n

,

lie u o f fish wh i ch o f cou rse i s next i n o rd e r

,
.

A fter the fi s h o n e o r two entrées E xcept at a

,
.

l arge di nn e r o n e i s thou ght su ffici ent wh i ch i s

, ,

s u cceeded by the roast wh ich co nsists u su ally o f ,

'

a fi l e t o f bee f s ad dle o f m u tto n o r s pri n g lam b

, , .

I f a s ingl e vegetable i s se rved alo n e asp aragu s o r ,

arti chokes acco rdi n g to th e F rench fash io n i t i s

, ,

he re i ntrod u ced R o man pu n ch fol lows at large

.

d i nne r s I t i s thou ght to be a p reparati o n fo r

.

155
ETIQ U ETTE F O R ALL O CCASIONS

the d u e app reci ati o n of the gam e whi c h c o m es ,

next with s alad

,
.

A m ayo n n aise o f c ele ry i s co ns id e re d to be th e

b est acco m p an i m ent to wi ld d ucks an d b i rds with
d ark fl esh and lettu ce salad with plai n F rench
,

d ress i n g goes best w ith p artrid ge qu ai l o r any

.
, ,

gam e o r po u ltry with white m eat .

I n th e sp ri ng whe n gam e is h ard to p rocu re

, ,

bro il ed yo u ng chi cke ns replace i t ve ry acceptably ,

and a to m ato s al ad with it gi ves j u st the ri ght

p i qu ancy .

S o m e p e rso n s se rve ch eese afte r the gam e w ith ,

to asted b i scu its an d c elery with B ri e o r C am e m bert

, .

Wi th Bon d on o r c ream cheese the B ar l e d u c ,

- -

co nserve o f c u rrants i s m u ch ap p reci ated .

N ext c om es th e sweet co u rse —in A m e ri ca ,

u nd e rstood al m ost u n ive rsally to b e an i ce i n s om e

d el ectabl e fo rm C akes b onbo ns fruit etc with

.
, , , .
,

co ffee a nd li q u e u rs c o nclu d e the rep ast, .

Th e o rde r o fs e rv ic e fo r th e w i nes wh ich

T h e W in e s
1 8 m ost w i dely ac ce pted 15 as follows :

Wh ite wi n e is se rved wi th the oyste rs sher ry ,

wi th the so u p The gl asses a re replen i shed w ith

.

wh ite wi n e wh en the fish i s se rved C laret i s best .

wi th the roast an d ch am pagn e i s o pe ned at th e

,

gam e co u rse thou gh so m e pe r s o ns s erve the l atte r

,

wi ne all th ro u gh th e d i n ne r afte r the s ou p Wh e n .

thi s i s on ce open ed th e gl asses are neve r al lowe d

to be em pty u nless at the i nti m atio n o f the wi sh
o f the gu est .

S om e b o n vivants h ave v e ry th in gl as ses place d

-

1 56
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL OCCASIONS

The c u sto m o f p ou rin g a fe w d rops of wi n e fro m

’
the b ottle i nto the host s gl ass lest th e re b e b its of
co rk i s a ti m e ho n o red o bse rvance o f c o u rtesy
-
,

n o w not always i nsi sted u pon .

A t s mall d i nners she rry and clar et o r cl are t; ,

W i n e s at alo ne are thou ght to fu rn i s h al l the

,

s m all wi nes that are n ec essary ; b u t fo r a

d inn e rs d i n ne r of e i ght p erso n s eithe r wh i te

wi ne ch am pagne o r both are n ot i n frequ ently

, ,

ad ded .

M u si c is ra rely h eard i n thes e d ays d u ri n g the

servi c e o f a p rivate di nn e r Wh en i t i s des i red .
,

o nly stri n ged i ns trum e nts are ad m i ss ible ,

Th e m u s i c
and the perfo rme rs sho u ld be station e d
far e n ou gh fro m the d i ni n g roo m fo r th e m u si c to
-

b e n o i nterruptio n to th e co nversatio n A ny .

thi ng s u ffi c i ently fi ne to ch allenge kee n ap p re c ia

ti o n wo uld bette r be d eferr ed for the e nte rtai n m ent
‘

of the gu ests afte r th e d i n n e r .

The d i ni ng— ro om to b e co m fortabl e later s hou l d

, ,

b e freshly ai re d an d cool The hostess havi ng .

,

written o u t he r me n u and full d i recti on s

F i n al pr e p
a r at io n s
fo r the s ervi c e o f p l ates etc fo r th e , .
,

i nstru ctio n o f he r se rvants p rovi d i n g ,

agai nst every co nti nge ncy h avi ng her s elf pl ace d
,

th e n ame cards wh ic h she h as written to i nd ic ate

-

the places at tabl e sho u ld b e ready fiftee n m i n

u tes be fo re the arri val of he r gu ests and awai t them ,

i n th e d raw i ng roo m se ren e and self possess ed

-
,
-
.

’
Th i s gives her m ai d ti m e to a rrange that lady s
’
room so th at i f i t b e u sed fo r the gu ests d ressin g
,

1 58
 DINNERS

roo m it m ay be fau ltlessly n eat A m ai d shou ld

,
.

be the re to assist the l adi es when they s hall arrive .

There i s on ly o n e thi n g wo rse fo r a gu est th an

to be to o l ate fo r a d i n ne r and t h at i s to b e to o
,

e arly N othi ng i s m o re u psettin g to a hostess b u t

.
,

i f she be ready i n go od ti m e she i s p rep ared fo r

whateve r m ay arise an d d oes not los e th e repose
,

o f m an ne r th at i s s o ess e nti al A lady o n ce j est .

in gl y told o f a d i n ner whe re the fi rst co u rs e wa s

”
h ot hostess l
The host sh o u l d be p resent with h is wife i n th e
d rawi n g ro o m to assist i n recei vi n g th e g u ests
-
.

Where the re are d au ghters o r vi s ito rs Th e

stop pi n g at the ho us e w h o are to b e at a rr i v a l o f
,

t h e gu e s t s
the d i n n e r they to o sho u ld be th ere
, .

U po n th e arrival o f the gu ests the se rvant O pen s

the d oo r anti cip ati ng a s u m mons and d i rects them ,

where to fi nd the d ressi ng roo m s H e p res ents to -

.

e ach gentle m an a salve r u po n wh i c h h e finds a

tiny envel op e add ressed to h i m co ntain in g a c ard ,

wi th the n am e O f the lady who m he is to take

i n to d inn e r and R o r L i n o n e co rn e r to i n di
,

c ate the ri ght o r l eft of th e tabl e at wh ich they

a re to sit .

The serva nt an no u n ce s the nam e s o fthe gu ests

as they e nte r the d rawi ng roo m except at sm al l -
,

i n fo rmal d i n ners E very on e sho u ld feel p u nctu

.

al ity to be an obli gati o n F iftee n m i n u tes i s allowed

.

for all to assembl e .

’
A n add iti o n al fiftee n m i nu tes grace m ay be
c onced ed for a belated gue s t afte r wh i ch i n j u sti ce ,

I S9
ETIQUETTE FOR AL L OCCASIONS

to th e rest Of th e co m pany the h ostess sho u ld ri n g

fo r th e d i n ne r to b e s e rved — the si gnal
,

T h e t ar d y
u n de rsto od by the b u tle r i n c ase o f any
gu e s t
o ne l acki n g of the n u m ber i nd i cated by
th e c ove r s at tabl e .

U po n the ap p ea rance of the tardy gu est i t is ,

exp lai ned to hi m tha t do ubtless h e wo u ld h ave

p re ferre d fo r the m not to w ait lo nge r wh i ch
,

wou ld be tru e o f a well b re d m an -

.

The d i nn e r is an no u nced by the app earan ce o f

the b u tle r o r m ai d wh o si lently d raws as i de th e
,

Th e p ro _
po rti ere s o r m u rm u rs the ti m e ho no red-

”
c e s s io n t o fo rm ul a M adam i s served
, .

th e d in i n g T he h ost gi ves his ri gh t arm to th e

ro o m
lady wh o m h e wi shes m ost to d isti n
gu ish an d le ad s th e way i nto the d i ni ng ro o m ; the
,
-

r est follo w arm i n a rm a nd the hostess b ri n gs u p

,

th e re ar with the m an wh o m she m ay se at e ithe r

at he r ri ght o r left han d .

I t is not obl igato ry fo r the mo s t d i stin gu i s hed

m asc u l in e gu est to esco rt the h ostess i nto th e d i n
i n g roo m ; h e wi ll si t at he r ri ght at
-

S e at i n g
t h e gu e s t s
table , b u t O fte n esco rts the l ady i nto the

roo m wh o i s to sit at his ri ght Thi s .

e n ables the hostess to sh o w attention to two m en .

’
The wo man o n the host s left i s next i n i mp o rtance
to h e r u p o n hi s ri ght With these exce pti o ns
.

the re i s n o d iffe ren ce i n th e de gree o f attentio n .

W hen fo r any reason an ext r a lady i s p resent the

, , ,

hostess wou l d walk i nto th e roo m with he r .

The ho s t sh ou ld si t at the farthe r e nd of the

1 60
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS

It i s not necessary to b e wise i t i s o nly n ecessary ,

”
to p le ase whi c h s u m s u p the bes t p h i loso phy o f
,

the sex .

A t a glan ce fro m the hostess wh o m u st n ot ih ,

t e r ru p t any s pe ci ally abso rb i ng co nversati on the ,

W h e n t h e lad i es ri s e l eavi n g thei r n apki n s u n

,

l adi e s fold ed o n th e tabl e o r l etti ng them fal l

,

W i t h d ra w
to th e fl oo r The m en al so rise and
.

remai n stand in g u nti l the lad ies p ass o ut th e on e ,

ne arest the d o o rway h old in g th e p o rti eres asi d e

fo r the m O r the ge ntlemen acc o m p any the m to
.
,

t he d rawi ng roo m seat them bow and retu rn to

-
, ,

the di n i ng roo m and e nj oy coffee an d c i gars i n

-

’
e ach o th er s co m p any fo r a b ri ef h al f h o u r o r l ess -
.

He re they u su ally ch an ge thei r seats an d d raw u p

so ci ably n ear thei r h ost S ervants pass c i ga rs an d
.

c i garettes wi th a s m all alcoh ol lam p o r ti ny c an d l e

i n a h old e r A sh trays a re pl aced c o nve n iently
.

ne ar an d th e d ecanters pass fro m h and to h an d

, ,

the h ost ho sp itably taki n g the i ni ti ative The .

l ad i es i n th e d rawi ng roo m ch at ove r th ei r co ffee

-
.

They res u m e the i r gl oves o r not as they please ,

.

A d in ne r sho uld n ot l ast m o re than an h o u r an d

a h al f and an hou r o r l ess afte r the m e n h ave re
,

j oi ned the l ad ie s th e gu ests sho u ld take

T ak i n g the i r le ave u nl ess m u sic d ancin g o r
l e av e , , ,

s om e special e ntertai n ment detai n th em ,

and exp r ess i n a few co rd i al wo rd s to host a nd

hostess thei r app rec i atio n o f th e hospital ity .

O f s u ch gu ests as h ap pen to be near to wh o m ,

o ne h a s bee n p resented i t i s u su al to take leave

, ,

1 62
 DINNERS

b ut to othe rs o ne nee d b u t bow and s m il e ad i eu if

’
th ey h app e n to catch o ne s eye .

I f the re has b ee n any o ne present s pec i al ly d is

“

t in gu is h e d the wo m an gu est o f ho no r i s the fi rst

,

to take h e r dep artu re O fco u rse the wo m an not

.
, ,

th e m an i s the o ne who always gives th e si gnal to

,

take leave .

Whe n the gu ests are l eavi ng th e h o u se the bu tler ,

o r m ai d stand s ready to o pen the doo r assi st the ,

ge ntle me n with the i r coats an d c all the c arri ages

,
.

S o me o ne has aptly s aid L ittl e d i n An

,
”
n ers m ake p eopl e fri e n ds They are in fo r m al
.

i tle
u n i versally re garded as the pl easantest ld m n e r
t

o f soc i al fu ncti o ns .

The gen e ral pri nci ples of s e rv in g are th e sam e

fo r a s mal l as fo r a l arge di n ne r the sho rter a nd ,

s i m ple r me n u marki n g the ch i ef d i ffere nce .

The tabl e h as its centrep iec e o f growi n g fe r n s o r

fru it artistic ally arran ged with leaves i f flowe rs
, ,

are not avai lable Two o r fou r c an dl esti ck s with

.

wax candles o r d i n ner l am ps !these m e re l am p ,

bowls set i n th e so ckets of c an dl esti cks ) cove re d

with pretty shades fou r co mp oti e rs o f gl ass chi na
, , ,

o r s ilver holdi ng a few bonbo ns s mall fan cy c akes

, , ,

ol ives an d rad ishes o r cele ry an d a d ec ante r o f

, ,

claret and o ne O f sherry s u fli c ie n tl y o rn ament the

table .

A few oyste rs sou p a fish o ne entré e a r oast

.
, , , , ,

s alad with a bi t of cheese an i ce fru it an d a c u p o f

, , ,

go o d co f fee m ake a d in ne r go o d enou gh to set b e

fo re a ki ng "
A glass o f sherry with the so u p and a
.

1 63
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS

so u nd claret with the roast are all th at are re qu i re d

fo r a l ittle d i n ne r and fo r thos e whose p ri nci ples
,

fo rbi d the i nd u l genc e e ffervesce nt waters m ake

,

e xcelle nt s u bstitutes B u tter i s neve r s erved at

.

d i nne r exc ep t o c cas i on ally with c racke rs and

,

che es e u nless at a fam ily m eal with co rn o r sweet

,

potato es .

F o r a s i m p le re p ast am on g fri end s s o u p a fi ne , ,

roast c arefu lly selected with two vegetables a , ,

A p l a in wel l d ressed
-
s alad a sweet co u rse and , ,

di n n e r u nexcepti on able co ffee am p ly s u ffi c e , .

fi m ng
f The hostess so m etimes se rves the so u p
i n t i m at e s
an d sweet and th e ro ast I S c arved
“
,

o n th e table .

Plates sh o u l d neve r b e p il ed b efo re them ,

b oard i n g hou se s tyl e A s i ngle plate is plac ed b e

-
.

fo re host o r hoste s s wh i ch when s u p pl ied the

, , ,

se rvant wi th d raws i nstantly replaci ng i t with a

,

cl ean one and c arryi n g the fi rst to its d esti n ati on

,
.

The l ad i es are se rved fi rst The vegetables are .

p assed fro m th e s i d e table an d there kept c ove red , .

Th e s peci al ru l e s o f se rvi n g su ch a d i nne r wil l

be fo u nd i n the ch apte r wh i ch co nsi de rs th e
”
F amily Tabl e N oth i n g c an si m u late th e ease
.

th at c o m es of h ab it .

Wh en a m an gives a stag di n ne r to h i s fri e nds ,

th e c onve nti o nal O bservan ce i s fo r th e hostess to

rece ive the gu ests with the ho st i n th e
A s t a g d raw i n g roo m waiti n g there u ntil al l are
-

d i nn e r ,

ass embled and the d i nne r anno u nced and ,

the n withd rawi ng with a few wo rd s co nveying p l eas

1 64
C é ap t e r E e e
/ v fl t‘
b — BALLS AND

DAN C E S

HE gl ad ness o f yo u n g hea rts an d the

li ghtness o f yo un g feet h ave by
so m e i nsti nct fo u nd exp res s i o n an d
gratificatio n i n danci ng th ro u gh o u t
the ages and o n th e p ri nciple th at a
, ,

rul e work s both ways a d ance s ee m s always a

,

s ce n e of li ght hearted gayety

- .

That it m ay b e all that i t s ee m s i s m o re depe n d

ent u po n the goo d breed i n g of ho s ts an d gu ests
-
,

u p o n m utu al c o nsideratio n u n s e l fi s h ne s s an d c o u r
, ,

tesy th an m ight b e su ppose d wi tho u t reflecti o n

, .

To know to o what i s expecte d o f o ne go e s far

toward s relievi n g a gu est o f sel f co ns c io u s ness and
-
,

the ease acqu i red fro m habitu al followi n g o f the

u s age s of pol ite s o ci ety rids o ne of e mb arras s ment
’
an d leaves o ne free to enjoy o ne s s elf .

M r Ward Mc A l l is te r averred that whe n h e

.

’
l i m i ted N ew Yo rk s s ocially elect to fo u r hu n d red ,
”
h e m eant those who were at ease i n a b all ro om -
,

The d isc ri m i nati o n barred o u t m any charm in g

people b ut h e fo u nd bu t those few who we re a t
,
’
flam e i n th e city s gayest s ce nes .

Th e m an wh o tau ght N ew Yorke r s to d ance

whe n th e centu ry was j ust ou t o f i ts teen s was O l d
J ohn Ch arriau d fiddl e i n hand wh o gave yearly
, ,

1 66
 BALL S AND DANCE S

wh at h e call ed Pu b l ic k s
“
A lth ou gh n one b ut
h i s p u p i ls an d thei r pare nts were ad m itted th ey ,

were the first balls o f note si nce th e E ngl ish o c e n

p a t io n
. F ro m th at ti m e the c i ty h as n eve r been
with ou t i ts grand balls eve ry s eason .

Th e p re s ent eti qu ette of th e ball ro om m ay b e -

best fo r m u lated p erhaps afte r the u sages that

, ,

”
O btai n at the A sse mbl ies and othe r B a ll -r o o m
“

fash io nable s u bscripti o n d ances They e t i qu e t t e a s

.

2 ?
0 5 ’
are especi ally representative O f o u r c o n
tempo ra ry so ci ety s i nc e it h as bec o m e As s e m
3 s “
,

th e c u sto m to give large p rivate dan ce s bl i e s an d

at assemb ly ro o ms i n so m e favorite h otel l ar ge Pfi
v at e d a n c e s
O r restau rant w he n the acco mmo d atio n
,
’
fo r gu ests wo u ld exceed the capacity o f the h ostess s
ow n d rawi ng ro o m These private balls are co n
-
.

d ucted i n the s ame m anne r as th e s u bsc ripti o n

d an ce s so wh at i s s ai d o f on e will apply to all
, .

A n awn i n g and c arpet e xten d fro m p r e p are”

th e street to th e h o u se doo r A m an t i o n fo r t h e .

’ ’
u e s ts
i n footman s l ivery o pens the carri age g

d o o rs and gi ves to the gu ests and thei r

,

co ach m en d uplicate checks whereo n are ,

nu mbers by whi ch th e carriages m ay b e s u m

m o n e d whe n wanted .

’
The entrance d oor is O pene d by a m an i n bu tl er s
l ive ry wh o d i rects the gu e s ts to the cloak roo m s
, ,

wh e re the l ad ies r e move th ei r wraps leavin g the m ,

i n ch arge o f m aid s wh o n u mber each parc el givin g ,

a d u pl icate n u mber check to its owne r There i s

-
.

’
a gentle m e n s d ress in g room as well where o ne o r
-
,

1 67
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL O C CASIONS

two valets perfo rm a l ike s ervi c e fo r th e m ascu li n e

gu ests H ere they u s u ally fi nd c i gars c i garettes
. , ,

b randy and sod a o r othe r e fferve s cent waters

, , ,

u n less a s m oki n g ro o m i s set ap art fo r them Th e

-
.

ve nti lati on o f the ball roo ms sho u ld b e c are fu lly

-

lo oked to I f d ance p rogramm es are to be u sed

.
,

th e gu ests fin d the m eithe r i n the d ress i ng ro o m s -

o r accept them fro m a tray tende r ed by a serva nt

j u st o u tsi d e th e b all roo m d oo r
-
.

L adi es m ee t thei r esco rts at the h ead o r foot of

the stai rcase an d go togethe r to the b all ro o m -
.

Th e r e c e p They
_
never enter arm i n arm ; the l ady
t i o n o f t h e goes fi rst a s tep i n advance
, afte r thei r ,

9 13 5 “ n am es h ave been an no u nced at the

do o r ve ry clearly a nd d i sti nctly by a m a n i n
eveni ng l ive ry .

S o me h ostes s es om it th e annou nce m ent O f th e

gu ests .

Th e hostess o f fe rs her h and to eve ry o n e i n

c o rd i al wel c o m e a nd says a few wo rds exp ressi ve
,

o f grati ficati o n If sh e i s the mother O fd au ghte rs

.
,

they m ay assist he r i n rece ivi ng standi n g at he r ,

left A déb u tante always stands by her m othe r

.
,

if th e d anc e i s i n her h ono r and is p resented to ,

s u ch of the gu ests as are u nknown to h er .

Whe n th e d anci n g begi ns the you n g h ostesses

,

fulfil thei r p ro m ised obl i gati o ns and retu rn b e

’
t ween d ances to thei r m other s s i de d u ri n g the
arrival O f th e gu ests A h ostess fo nd o f d an cin g
.

defers th e pleas u re u nti l late i n the even in g and ,

remai ns at he r post .

1 68
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL O C CASIONS

t atio n to h e r h u sband fathe r o r ch ape ro n an d

, , ,

throu gh o ne of these b e i ntrod u ce d to th e l ady he r

sel f Whe n a m a n i s p resented to a you n g wo m an
.
,

h e u s u ally asks he r to d ance al most at o nc e .

A gi rl wh o has n ot co m e with he r m other i s

ge ne rally u n de r the chap ero nage o f s o m e m arrie d
wo m an wh o exe rts hersel f to give her cha rge
,

a pl ea s ant ti m e Th e yo u ng m en wh o are u n de r
.

obli gati o n s to h e r fo r d i n ne rs ope ra theatre o r , , ,

h o u se parties co me to p ay thei r resp ect s and are

p rese nted to he r p roteg ee .

I f a gi rl i s attractive the m e n flo ck aro u nd th e

,

ch ap ero n with th at O bj ect i n vie w M e n are m u c h .

l ike shee p whe r e o ne le ads the rest follow A n

,
-
, .

o pe retta o n c e p op u la r c alled The L o an o f a

, ,
“

”
L ove r was fo u nded o n thi s propen s i ty
, .

The yo u n g people are all anxi ou s to m ake

.

ac qu ai ntances befo re the c oti lli o n begi ns si nc e the ,

ple a s u re o f th at d anc e d ep e nds upon h avi n g m any

partn ers A m an i f h e i s well bred will n ot b e
.
, ,

enti rely abso rbed i n h i s own enj oym ent b ut keep ,

h is eyes abo u t hi m and s ee where h e m ay m ake

h i msel f u s efu l .

A goo d h ostess i s ab s ol utely s elf fo rgetfu l S he -

.

welco m es each ar r ival with a co rd ial ity wh ich

T h e d u t ie s
co nvey s th e assu ran ce o f a p er s on al
O fth e i nte rest and grati ficatio n S he si ngles .

h o s t e s s an d ou t the shy and d if fi d e n t and p uts the m ,

h “ f a m ily
at thei r c as e by tactfu l attenti ons S he .

notes the gi rl s wh o h ave n o p artners an d su p pl ies

the defic iency with o u t wo u ndi ng thei r amou r “

1 70
 BALLS AND D A N C B S

p ro p re by appeari n g to have ob s e r ve d the i r lon e

,
“

co nd iti on an d wi ns th e yo u ng m en to d o her
,

b i dd in g by s o graci o u sly askin g a favo r th at s he

s ee m s to b e co n fe rri n g on e .

N ot al o n e th e hostes s b u t the h o s t the s ons

, ,

and d au ghte rs o f the h o u s e shou ld exert them

sel ves to b ri ng th e you n g p eopl e together an d ,

d evote s pec i al attentio n to those gu ests wh o are

ove r looked by others I f they d o thei r d u ty there
.
,

wi l l be n o c rowd o f i dl e m en lou ngi n g n ea r th e

”
d oo rways no w al l flo w e rs sitti n g wi th heavy
“
,

hearts an d s m il in g l ips wh ile other s are whi rl i ng

,

by an d tasti n g al l the j oys that m aidens covet .

A hoste s s keenly ob s e rvant an d tactfu l m ay by

a littl e m anoeu vri ng i nsu re a plea s ant even in g to
eve ry o ne p rese nt .

I f th e hostes s of th e occasio n h as b o rrowed th e

vi siti n g l i s t o f so m e i nti m ate fri end who s e c ard s
-
,

h ave b een e nclosed i n the i nvitati ons ,

Th e
s h e sh ou ld ask the l ady who stands he r h o s t e s s o f
s pon so r to rec eive with her an d p re s e nt b o r ro w e d
he r to th e gu ests Th i s mean s i s o cca ae q u ain t
.

au c e s
s io n al l y reso rted to wh en a d au ghter i s

to b e i ntrod u ced to soc i ety o r som e d i s ti ngu ished

strange r entertai ned .

The two step th e waltz and an occ a s i on al set o f

-
, ,

L an cers are favo red to the excl u si on o f all oth er

dan ces u nti l th e coti lli on begins As
T h e d an c e s
.

d anc i ng is th e O bj ect and reaso n o f

th e assemblage every o ne i s expected to enj oy and
,

take part i n it .

1 71
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL O CCAS I O NS

I n the early p art of th e even i ng a m an sho ul d

ask the p rivi lege of a d ance with hi s ho stess o r he r
dau ghters and those wh o are assisti n g them i n re
c e iv in g and then p ro ceed to ask ot h e rs writi n g
, ,

his nam e o n thei r c ards o r p rogram m es op pos ite

’
t h e d ances acco rded and registeri ng the lad ie s
n ames o n hi s o w n Whe re d ance p rogram mes are
.

not u sed a man m erely s ays i n the co nventi o n al

,

ph rase M ay I h ave th e pleasu re o f this d ance ?

,

o r m ore co m monly M ay I have the next waltz , ,

”
Miss P C u t and dried ph rases are goi ng
- -

o u t of fash i o n with s o m eti mes a l ittl e l oss to

,

cou rtesy Th e manner shou ld the re fo re s u pply it

. .

The lady accepts with a gracio u s bo w an d s m i le ,

and ri ses at o nce i f the d ance i s i n p ro gress o r

abo ut to begi n I f the i nvitatio n i s fo r a fu tu re
.

n u mber she m ay say Thank yo u I s hall b e ve ry

, , ,

glad i n a to ne that i s c o rd i al bu t not e ffu s ive

, .

S he can hardly refuse u nless her p ro gram m e i s

fu ll b u t m ay plead fatigue
, .

A gi rl m ust not refuse to d ance with o n e m an

u nder som e p retext and the n dance with another ,

thou gh she may walk o r talk with hi m n either ,

sho u ld she d an ce with th e sam e man O ftener th an

t w o o r three ti mes u nless she i s willi n g to ad v e r
,

ti se he r p refere nce A man sh o u l d b e p ro mpt i n

.

clai mi ng th e d ances p ro mised h i m I t i s an u n .

pardonabl e ru deness not to ap pear as soo n as t h e

mu sic strikes u p E ve ry m an says o n the oc ca
.

”
sion Th i s is o u r d an c e I b eli eve
,
“
O rigi nali ty , .

i s co nspic u o us by its absence We n o l on ge r .

1 72
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL O CCA S I O N S

waist to s u ppo rt an d gu id e he r hi s h and c o m i ng,

at the m i ddle of h er b ack n ear h e r wai s t H e .

takes h e r ri ght h an d i n hi s left h ers u pp e rmost

, ,

hi s elbow slightly b ent and h olds it o n a level

,

with he r shou lde r o r a little lowe r .

’
T he l ady s ri ght arm i s al m ost strai gh t h er left ,

’
h and i s p l aced o n he r p artner s sho u ld er o r o n his
arm j u st below it .

I f a m an hold a gi rl to o tightly sh e shou ld d rop ,

h e r h and fro m hi s sho u ld e r so as to b ri ng i t b e

t w een h e r partner an d he rsel f; I f h e d o es not
take thi s h i nt let her stop d anci n g at o nce u n d e r
, ,

so me p retext s o evi dent t h at he m ay realiz e he r

d ispleasu re o r d isapproval .

A lette r written by a Pari si an l ady to h e r fri end

i n G erm any i n 1 803 s ays : Yo u r G e rm an valse
“

d oes not m ake m uch h e adway here th e m am as ,

takin g excepti o n to the attit u d e S O a co m p rom ise.

h as b een m ad e by givi ng two ladi es to each gentle

m an o r two ge ntlemen to th e l ady thu s p reventi n g ,

th e d an gero u s t é te —at ete an d the u nse emly a rm

-

”
ab o u t t h e wai st ! A nd m am a i s reass u red .

The p a u ses b etween d ances are filled b y c o nve r ~

satio n p ro m e n adi ng i ntro d u cti o ns and m aki ng

, , ,

d an c ing engage ments A t p u bli c balls .

a yo u n g wo m a n sho u ld retu rn to he r
ch aperon after every d ance A t a p ri .

vate d ance o r a s ubsc ri ptio n b al l sh e h as m ore

l atitud e co nced ed he r A fte r d anci n g with he r
.

and walking ab o u t th e roo m s a l ittle O ffe ri n g fo r ,

her re fresh ment a glass o f l e mo nade o r sittin g

I 74
 BALL S A N D D A N C B S

awhile to enj oy coole r ai r than the b all ro o m c an -

o ffe r !p rovid ed the pl ac e ch ose n i s n ot a secl u de d

o n e o r o n the stai rway) a m an m ay take a gi rl ,

bac k to he r chap ero n and plead a nothe r e ngage

me nt .T he s u ggestio n howeve r co m es b etter, ,

from he r th at h e take he r to h er p lace near he r

mothe r o r c hap eron at least as so o n as the m u si c
,

stri kes u p fo r th e next d ance I f neither i s e n .

gage d fo r i t and no o ne c o me s to ask h er to d ance ,

the si tu ati o n m ay grow d i ffi cu lt — if th e re i s

n eithe r mothe r no r ch ape ro n — and a gi rl i s so m e
ti m e at a loss to i nti mate to her p a rt ne r h ow he
,

m ay b e ri d o f he r .

O n e b ri ght gi rl i n he r fi rst seaso n solved th e

d i ffi cu lty by aski ng he r p artne r ifh e k n ew M i ss
opp os ite and s u ggeste d that h e b e p resented
, .

This wa s d o ne Miss . i ntro d u ce d h er p artne r

i n tu rn th e fo u r m ade a new co mb i n ati o n an d th e
, ,

s itu ati o n was s aved !

Whe n a gi rl s ee s no way to rel i eve a m an of h e r
so ci ety her o nly cou rse is to c o n ceal al l anxiety
, ,

m ake he rsel f as agree abl e as p oss ibl e o r frankly ,

acknowledge the s itu ati o n and lau gh ove r it with

h i m I f h e sees he r eyes seeki ng n e rv o u sly fo r
.
'

s o me delivere r h e also feels e mbarrassed b oth are

, ,

i l l at ease an d h e will avo id he r i n the fu tu re

, ,

not becau se sh e was fo rced u po n h im lo n ge r than

h e wi shed b u t becau se h e asso c iates an u n c o m
,

fo rtab l e ti m e with he r .

The pos iti o n i s on e i n wh ich n o you n g gi rl

s h o ul d b e placed a nd i s the u nacknowled ged re a
,

I 7S
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL O CCA S I O N S

so n why i n th e d ressi ng roo m the gi rls co nfid e to

-

o ne an oth er that they are frighte ned to d eath .

I wo u ld here ente r a plea fo r chapero n s wh i ch ,

at any bal l given elsewhe re than i n a p rivate ho use ,

sho uld b e c o ns id ered abs ol utely n e c es

sary I f the re b e n o roo m fo r th e m the
.
,

hostess sho u l d h ave m any assistants ,

wh o recogn iz e the i r resp on s ibility to r ep resen t

her .

A hostess regardful of p rop e r eti qu ette whe n

, ,

givi n g a l arge ball o utsi d e o f h e r own d rawi n g

room s i nvariably i nvites the m othe rs of he r n u
,

m arri ed wo men guests leavi ng i t to thei r d iscretio n

,

whethe r to b e pre s ent o r not E s pec i ally i s thi s

.

attentio n d u e to the mothe rs o f the déb u tantes .

The mothe r shou ld either acco mpany he r d au gh

ter rem ain i ng u ntil the ti m e fo r the c oti ll io n and
,
'

the n leavi ng he r i n the ch arge of the hostess o r

so m e fri end o r she s hou l d delegate the res ponsi
,
’
b il ity fo r th e gi rl s pleasu re and well bei n g to -

s o m e l ady who m she can trust If a gi rl i s eve r.

placed i n an u npleasant s itu ati on o r p redi cam ent

and sh e is i n th e charge o f n o on e i n parti c u la r ,

sh e m ay and should cl ai m o f any olde r lady p res

ent the co nven ti onal privilege O f her chap ero n age ,

whether she be an acqu ai ntance o r a stran ge r ask ,

’
i ng he r esco rt to leave he r at that lady s s i de and ,

expl ai ni ng th e s itu ati on afte r h i s de partu re .

A gi rl shou l d be attenti ve to her m other o r

c h ape ro n p resenti ng he r fri end s to h er when eve r
,

po s si ble and occ asi on ally stopp ing to say a few

,

1 76
ET I Q UETTE FOR ALL O CCAS I O NS

th ro u gh the eve ni n g at a s m all tabl e p resi ded ove r

,

by a servant .

A fte r s u pper the c otill io n begi ns u nless that ,

d ance gives the title rOl e to the entertai n men t and

-

gu ests are i nvited fo r it excl u sive of

Th e
c o t i ll i o n
all others ,
i n wh i ch cas e the su pp e r i s
served at its clos e Th e cotilli o n i s so m e
.

”
tim es c alled the G erm an
“
becau se i t was fi rst
d an ced at the G erm an co u rt at A i x— l a C hape lle at -

a b al l give n to the all ie d sove rei gns sh ortly afte r ,

the b attle o f Waterloo .

C hai rs are ranged agai nst the wall s a nd attached

i n pai rs m arke d by nu m bered cards d u pli c ate s ,

of wh i ch are give n to the m ascu lin e gu ests to i nd i

c ate thei r pl aces i n the dan ce by the leade r O f the
cotillio n o r o ccasi onally they are d rawn fro m a
,

b asket p re s e nted by so m e o ne s ho rtly afte r the

’
gentle m e n s arrival . E xch anges a re so meti m es
m ade to enabl e fri ends to s it togeth er .

The i nvitatio n s should i n clu de as nearly as pos

sible an eve n n u mber O f b oth s exes bu t as i t i s ,

i mpo s si ble to i ns u re the p rese nce o f all a reserve ,

o f you n g m e n i s m ost desi rable .

The s u cc ess O f a coti lli o n d epe nds ch iefly u po n

th e cho ice o f a lead er and o f the favors as far as ,

a hostess m ay c o ntro l c i rc u mstances .

To o n e wh o kn ows how to d an ce i t requ i res ,

no speci al knowl ed ge o f the art Te rp s ich o

'
rean to acqu it o ne s self wel l at a cotilli on it ,

bei n g b ut a s u ccessi o n o f waltzes two steps ,

-
,

m arches and figu re s wh ich are ea s ily fol lowed

, ,

1 78
 BALL S AND D A N C B S

since each i s fu lly expl ai ned and gu i ded by the

leade r .

Th e p art ne rs d ance to gethe r u nti l the l ady in d i

c ates where she wi shes to stop E ac h the n chooses .

a n ew p artn e r and p resents a favo r i f p rovi d ed

, ,

with o ne e i the r by the leade r o r by the l adi es

,

p resi d i ng at the tables u po n which the favo rs are

arranged .

The h ostess s ho u l d select a m an thoro u ghly

co nve rsant with the d uties and d iflic u l ties Th e
‘

o f the posi ti o n to lead her cotilli on l e ad e r o f a ,

°° t iui°n
a m an o f tact experi e nce and execu ti ve
, ,

abi l ity — and then give hi m her fulle s t con fidence

,

A fte r h avi ng accepted the i nvitati o n an d the

r e s p on s ibil i ty he shou l d call p rom ptly u po n h is
,

h ostess that they m ay c onsu lt togeth er ab o u t the

,

fi g u res favo rs etc

, , .

H e shou ld arrive i n good ti m e o n th e eveni n g

o f th e b all a nd h ave h i s plan of acti o n cl early and
,

d efinitely i n h i s mi nd .

H e u su al ly d ances alone whe re he h as many ,

persons to manage b u t i f he elect to have a part

,

ner h is choic e o fte n falls u p o n hi s h ostess if sh e

,

is yo u ng o r i f not u pon o n e o f he r d au ghte rs

, , , ,

altho ugh etiqu ette i m p ose s no su c h obli gatio n .

H e wou l d p lace he r at h is ri ght at th e head of th e

b all room and sec u re her absol uti on i n advan ce
-
,

fo r hi s enfo rce d ne glect of he r i n the p u rs u ance

o f hi s co m pl icated d uties .

A popu lar lead er tries to ch oose fi gu res that

s hall b ri ng m any da ncers o n the fl oo r at a ti me ,

I 79
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL O CCA S I O NS

th at p eople m ay not grow ti red i n waitin g fo r thei r

tu rn.

He i s absolu te d i ctato r Whe n h e claps h is .

hands o r blows his wh istle th e d ance rs stop A ll, .

wait u po n h is signals I n the famo u s p ictu re of

.

The H u nt Bal l the leade r c arri es a tamb ou ri n e .

H e i nd icates the cou pl es wh i ch are to form the

“
fi gu res sayi ng
, , Yo u a re u p and yo u an d yo u , , ,

an d gu id es the m th ro u gh its m azes offe ring ,

h is h an d to the wom e n and a to uch o n the arm of

,

the m e n i f any need speci al d i recti o n I n th e favo r .

figu res he an d hi s partn er i f h e have on e di s

tribu te th e p retty trifle s to the d anc ers wh ile seated ,

o r d i rect where and when each set m ay get them .

Partners for the coti lli on are O ften en gaged

weeks eve n m onths i n advance o f the fu n ctio n
, , ,

fo r a subscripti o n d ance when i t i s ,

known that it i s to take place b ut o f ,

co u rs e m any en gagements are m ad e o n

th e eveni n g of th e ball If a m an find s no lad i es
.

with wh om h e i s acqu ainted he sh ou ld ask h is ,

h ostess o r a fri end to p resent hi m to o ne It i s .

j ustly resented as selfish to d ance stag when “

there are ladi es who are wi tho u t partners I f al l .

are p rovi d ed fo r there i s n o O bj ectio n to i t o f

, ,

co u rs e .

It i s u nfo rgivable fo r a m an to forget if he h as

asked a l ady fo r the cotilli o n o r fo r su pp er H e .

sho u ld re mi n d he r o f it as s oon as p ossibl e after

she e nters the room and b e o n hand i n good ti m e
,

to clai m he r p ro m ise .

1 80
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL O CCA S I O N S

favo rs a gi rl h e rem ai ns with her i n the absen ce o f

,

her p artn e r i f his own p artner i s dan c ing wi th

anothe r u nti l the m an retu rns whe n he s ho u ld
,

yi eld the seat to hi m standi n g befo re he r o n ly lon g

,

e no u gh to b ri n g the co nve rs atio n to a c lose H is .

fi rst d uty howeve r is to h is o wn p artne r to who m

, , ,

he sho u l d retu rn as soo n as she ha s r es u med he r

s eat.

Whe n a gi rl favo rs a m an by ho ld i ng o u t to
h i m the token of her p refe rence h e ris es at on ce , ,

attaches the favo r to h is co at thanks h er and afte r

, ,

d anci ng takes he r to her s eat thanki n g he r agai n

,

befo re l eavi ng he r .

There i s occ as io nally a favo r som ewh at h and

”
s o me r than th e rest called a souven i r wh ich i s
, ,

u su ally e xchanged be twee n the partne rs With .

thi s exc epti o n p a rtners do n ot favo r each othe r .

It i s u s u al to recognize the attenti o n o f bei ng

c hose n to rece ive a favor by be s towi n g o ne d u ri ng
,

th e even i ng — a m an showi n g h i ms elf s om ewh at

,

m ore p rom pt an d eager to exp ress h is sense o f

app rec iati on fo r th e hono r than a wo m an .

It i s cu stomary to h ave fro m th ree to si x favo r

figu res The p retty t rifles a re generally artisti
.

T h e f av o rs
cally arranged u p o n two tab les at the
e nd o f the ball roo m — those i ntend ed
-
,

fo r the m e n u po n on e thos e fo r the wo m en o n

,

the oth e r They are given o ut by the patron esses

.

o r by the hostess and two o r th ree friend s to those ,

who i n tu rn p resent the m to the per s o n s with who m

they wish to d ance .

1 82
 BALLS AND DANCE S

O r, the leade r a nd h i s p artne r get the favors

an d d istrib u te them A t p rivate ho u ses th e favo rs
.

are O fte n sent i nto the roo m u nde r c o mp etent d i

rectio n i n the o rd er i n wh ic h they a r e to be u sed
, .

They shou ld fu rn ish a series o f s u rp ri ses the ,

better th i n gs fo llowi ng those l east d esi rable They .

n eed not be costly c oveted for the mselves and

,

a ro usi ng c u p id ity b u t n ovelty and d ai nti ness

,

sh ou l d d i stin gu i sh the m and with i ngen u ity at

,

c o m m and c harm i ng res ults are o fte n obtai ned

, .

F avor s bei n g evide nces of pop u lari ty the larger ,

an d gaye r they a re the m o re consp i cu o u s the ho no r .

A fte r the coti lli o n a few re main to d ance taki n g ,

advantage O f the space and O fte n c on si d e r i t th e

,

p leasantest p art O f th e even i n g th e re T ak in g

,

b ei ng l ess fo rm ality ; and so m e wi ll l e av e at a

ba n
always r em ai n as lon g as a si p O f p leas
u re m ay b e extracted fro m the fl eetin g ho u rs .

’
A b all begi nni n g at ten o r eleve n O c lock m ay
well satisfy the m ost eager pleasu re seeke r i f i t -

’
l ast u nti l two o r th ree o clock A M . .

Those who rem ai n late wo u ld n atu rally take

l eave O f th e hostess and exp ress i n c o rdi al term s
the enj oym ent th at she has give n the m I n th e .

earlier pa rt o f th e eveni n g when he r atte ntio n i s

,

o cc u pi ed with m any gu ests it i s n ot n eces s ary to

,
’
i nterru pt o r d istu rb her to m ake o ne s adi eu x u n ,

l ess passi ng near he r sh e reco gnizes the i ntentio n

, ,

o f d epartu re I f she stand s n ear th e e ntrance to

.

the b all roo m o ne say s a few wo rds of ap p re

-
,

c iat ive thanks and o f compli m ent o n th e s u ccess

1 83
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL O CCA S I O NS

Of he r e nte rtai n ment To the host o ne b i d s a cor

.

d i al goo d — night witho ut th ank s i f h e i s read i ly

, ,

accessible .

I f a m an h as asked the p rivi lege O f acti n g a s

esc o rt to a yo u ng wo m an a nd he r chaperon h e ,

m ust le ave to the m th e choi ce o f the ti m e fo r

d epartu re wi th n o hi nt o f h is own wishes I n
, .

s uc h cas e h e p rovides the c onveyance to an d

fro m th e sce ne o f the e ntertai n me nt .

S hou ld a m an fo r whateve r reason be co m pelled

, ,

to leave a bal l while yet hi s d anci n g engagem e nts

are u nfu lfilled he m u st see and explai n to each
,

o f t h e l ad ies the cau se o f h i s d elin qu en cy with ,

co u rteo u s apo l ogies .

A host acco mp anies the l ady with who m he

m ay h ave been danci ng or talkin g when sh e is ,

abo ut to leave to th e h all sees th at her carri age

, ,

i s called an d u po n he r retu rn fro m the clo ak ro o m

,
-

ai ds he r i n getti n g i nto he r carri age i f she i s ,

witho u t an escort .

S u bsc ri pti o n d ances are u su ally very fi n e a ffai rs ,

given at so m e large assembly roo ms fu rnished with ,

taste and eleganc e and are o rganized ,

S u b s c r ip
by a n u mb er O f l ad ies or gentlem en
t i o n b all s ,

wh o d ivide th e expenses amo ng them

selves O r wo men O fsoci al pro m i nence are asked
.
,

to b eco m e patronesses fo r which p rivi lege they ,

s u bscri be a certai n su m u su al ly from fifty to a ,

h u nd re d dollars This e ntitles them to a ce rtai n

.

n u mbe r of i nvitation s to be exten de d to thei r

friend s .

1 84
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL O CCA S I O NS

u s u al ly p rod u ctive o f m o re real p leasu re and si m

pl e li ght hearte d j o y o u sn ess th an c an
,
-

b e realized fro m the grati fic ati o n of

soci al ambiti o n wh ic h i s i nco ngru o u s
with yo u th .

When a dance i s given at a p rivate h o us e t h e ,

p reparation s d i ffe r l ittl e fro m those al re ady co n

s id e re d as n ecessary at l arge r b alls exce pt i n thei r ,

greater si m pli ci ty A n awni n g an d c arpet are at

.

th e entrance to the ho u se A m an i s station ed to .

O pe n th e doo rs of carri ages no t n ec essarily i n ,

l ive ry an d to say at wh at hou r th ey m ay b e

,

o rde red givi ng check s i n d up l icate to the gu ests

,

an d thei r c o achmen .

T he s e rvant openi ng the hou se d oo r m ay be

man o r m ai d !wearing app ropri ate l ive ry ) wh o ,

d i rects the l ad ies to a d ressi n g roo m whe re two -

m aid s a r e i n attendance an d the men to anothe r

, ,

where they so m eti mes fi n d ci gars c igarettes and , ,

e ffe rvescent waters .

The yo u n g gi rls arrive ac companied by thei r

m ai ds wh o l e ave th em i n the d ressi ng ro o m an d
,
'
-

retu rn to fi nd th e m the re .

The d rawi n g roo m s are wel l l ighted and venti

- ~

l ated an d i f th e hosts are m o re anxi ou s to have

,

thei r gu ests e nj oy them selves th an to sh ow h ow

l arge a ci rcle o f ac qu ai ntances they h ave th e r o o ms ,

wi ll not b e o ve r c rowded
-
.

When i nvitatio ns are issu ed fo r a d ance the re ,

are abo ut ten pe r cent mo re me n asked th an wo m en ,

and th e mo re the merri e r L et not the self adm i t

.
-

1 86
 BALL S AND DAN CE S

in g o f the u nfai r se x be to o m u ch el ated

“
,

the obj ect o f thei r p rese nc e is the pleas u re o f

th e yo u ng wo men ; they are b u t the m eans to
an end !
L i nen c rash i s stretched ti ghtly on the fl oo rs ,

u nles s they are o f h ard woo d O the r d evic es h ave .

’
b ee n tri ed b u t S herry N ew Yo rk s s u p rem e
, ,

au tho rity says that there i s n oth in g else as go od

, .

The m u sic ians a re sc reened behi n d tall p l ants ,

’
u n less a p i an o with a vi oli n o r two harp o r c ello ,

fu rn ish the m u si c .

A t a hou s e d ance the hostess u n able R e e e iVi n g ,

th e
to leave h e r p lac e to m ake in t ro d u c
gu e s t s
t i o ns wh i le h er gu ests are arri vm g asks ,

o ne two o r m o re fri end s to receive with an d assist

,

her .

A fte r greeti ng h is hostess and he r d au ghte rs a

m an m ay fi n d h i s host so mewhe re ne ar a nd shou ld ,

try to spe ak to hi m The late co m e rs c an not al

.
-

ways fi nd h i m readily and so m e not too well b red

, ,
-
,

d o no t try to d o s o A sto ry i s told o f a m an

.

who com i n g u po n another u nknown to hi m b u t

, ,

wh o was lookin g rather bo red said B eastly , ,

“

’ ”
d u ll is n t it ?
, Yes assented the other
“
, .

’ ’
L et s go hom e sai d the fi rst speaker ;
, I m “

” ” ’
o f f! I can t retu rn ed th e othe r ;
, I l ive “

here .The gu est o nly m et h is d eserts fo r c rit ic is

i ng any ho spital ity o f wh ich h e was the recip i ent .

A yo u n g m an i nvited to a ho u se sho u ld d ance

as early as possible with the d a u ghters o f his host
ess an d pay th em every p ossi ble attention .

1 87
ETIQUETTE FOR ALL O CCA S I O NS

Whe n s u ppe r i s ann o u n ced th e m u si c u s u ally

b ei n g the ti me wo rn m arc h fro m
-
N o rm a
‘
the d i n i ng roo m doors o r po rti eres are
-

Th e
s u pp e r
thrown o pe n and the , h ost lead s the
way with s o m e l ady to who m h e wis hes
to sh ow ho no r .

S u ppe r i s generally s e rved at a l arge tabl e as ,

b efo re desc ribed an d m ay be as elab o rate o r as

,

si m ple as the taste o r m eans of the host m ay d ic

tate E i the r is i n e qu ally good taste ; b u t fo r a
.

”
“
si t d own su pper m any sm all t ables eac h with ,

i ts c ove rs an d decoratio ns are ro lled i nto and ,

d i stri bu ted abou t the roo ms when s u pp e r i s an

n o u nce d . O n e good wai te r can serve two tables
with fo u r o r si x g u ests at eac h .

A t hou se d ances where th e roo ms are not ve ry

extensive an d al l space i s valu able the o ld er ,

peopl e are not i nvited b u t the hostess and h er

,

c oadj u to rs c an keep all th e gu ests i n si ght and se e

that n on e are overlooked o r neglected .

”
“
D in n er d ances are a favo rite fo rm o f e nter
t ain m e n t . A s many gu ests are i nvited fo r d i n
ner as can be acco m m odated at the table
o f the hostess and ot h ers are asked to
,

j oi n them later fo r an i nform al d ance .

A coti ll i o n of twenty o r thi rty co u ples i s u s u ally a

me rry i n fo rmality and an i mp ro mptu d ance after a
,

d i nner i s co m m only m u ch enj oyed by very yo u ng

folk A sim pl e b u ffet s u pp er i s always se rved .

D i nner d ances ”
are so meti mes very sm art
af fai rs . F ri end s arrange to g i ve the m i n c o nj u n c
1 88
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

an d d i gni ty th e m anage m e nt o f th e trai n and

,

fan n ecessary to that m ost ari stoc rati c o f d an ces

, .

S o m e hostess es h ave d is cove re d that to give a

costu m e b al l re qu i res n o m o re e ffo rt o n thei r
In fo rm al p art th an an o rdi nary d an ce w hi le s e ,

c o s tu m e cu ri n g the i n terest O f thei r gu ests i n fa r

da n ce s greater degree It has fo u n d exp res
.

si o n i n m any i nform al and am u si ng frol i cs C o s .

t u m e s i ll ustrating titles O f bo oks h ad a seaso n of

pop u lari ty and on e o f the latest exp ressi o ns of th e
,

”
c ostu m e d ance i s an A n ne xati o n Party
“
A .

fu n lovi ng co u ple m a s qu eradi n g as U ncle S a m

-
,

an d C ol u mbia gave a fam ily p arty to e nable

,

tho s e who h ad grown u p i n the old ho m e i n Yan

k e e d o m to w el co me the i r new rel ati on s Po rto
.

R i can l adi es i n lace m antillas c oqu etted with

Western c owboys O n e wh o looke d a m ode rn
.
,

M i n erva rep resen ti ng the c ity O f B oston lo oked ,

i nd u lge ntly th ro u gh spectacles at a wi ld F i li p i n o ,

chiefly arrayed i n a b ro w n sweate r and feathe r

cl u ste rs , with a nose ring -
A n d C h icago a fai r
.
,

’
l ady wearin g h er h u sban d s sh oes ki nd ly i n iti ated
,

a brothe r fro m th e L adro n es i nto th e myste ries of

the two step whi le h e flo u rished a large toy p op
-
,

gu n Th e sce ne w as a m e rry o ne and not a n u n

.
,

s mi li ng fac e was to b e see n .

B arn d ances are po pu l ar i n the a u tu m n The .

h orses are give n nei ghb orly hosp itali ty ,

and the em pty stalls are tu rned i nto

bowers o f gree nery an d mad e l ux u rio u s
with rugs and seats cove red with Tu rkey red -

I 9O
 B ALL S AND DANCE S

c u shi o ns fille d with th e arom ati c p i ne balsam

, .

The b ox stal l i s provi ded wit h a table where

-
,

le mo nad e and p u n ch are se rved .

To a hou se p arty s u ch a d anc e m ad e an at

-

tractive cl i m a x afte r m any p leas u re fi l l e d d ays -

.

The walls o f a sp acio u s b arn we re h u n g with n a

’
t u re s o wn tap estry O f leaves an d grai n and gar
d e n g r aith A d ado o f ri p e wheat gave e ffective
.

c ontrast to m asses of m ap l e l eaves above al l ,

aglow and abl az e F ro m the cei lin g h u n g m any

.

J ap anese lante rns amon g green b ranches whose ,

glowi ng light was s upplem ented by candles i n ti n

sconces m asked with b u nches O fb ri ght leaves Th e .

m usi ci ans we re m o u nted u p on a c o ach i n o ne co r

ne r T h e c oti ll io n favors we re wh ip s s m al l s i lve r
.
,

wh istles slei gh bel ls photograp h fram es in the

,
-
,

fo rm o f n ickel h o rs e s h o es an d sti rru ps vegetab les ,

and fru i ts cu n ningly m ad e of si lk wh i l e fl owe rs ,

we re hel d i n ru stic b askets o f b u rs and bi rch b ark .

The co ach ho rn so u n ded a m u si cal p e al to an

-

nou n ce the s u pper whi ch was s e rved at the h ous e

, .

The d anc ing concl u ded with a V i rgi ni a reel a s ,

i s u su al wi th s uch i nfo rmal frol i cs .

1 1
9
C fi ap t e r
Tw e g
ft /z C HAPERO N S
TH EIR USE AND ABUSE

HE N a gen e ral d istri buti on o f h alos

”
takes pl ace o nc e sai d a b ri gh t
,

wo m an the h ead o f the wi l lin g an d

,
“

u nsu ng marty r kn own as a chape ro n

, ,

will be fo u nd crowned too I a m ,

’
p ers u ad ed among the wo rl d s el ect
,

N ot m a ny of u s wil l b e fo un d wo rthy to wear

o n e of greate r rad i ance i f c heerfu lness an ab s o
, ,

l u te d is regard of sel f i n gen u ity i n i mp rovi si n g

,

’
pl easu re s i n wh i c h she takes b ut an o bse rver s
p art an d an u nweari ed a m i ability that keeps h e r
,

sweet sm ili n g an d wakefu l u nti l her you n g c harge

, ,

h as had her fill o f pleas u re b e any qu al ific ati o n

,

fo r su ch a re w ard The post i s n o si nec u re an d its

.
,

d u ti es are O fte n a thankless u n envi able task

, .

O fco u rs e th e nat u ral ch ap ero n o f a gi rl i s h e r

own m oth e r whose i nterest i n all that i n any way
,

co nce rn s he r ch ild m akes t h e p ositio n a n easy on e

and al l h e r l abo r O f l ove b u t one w hos e p resenc e
”
i s i m po se d to play p ro p ri ety wh ere n o s uc h
“

n ec essity i s recogn ized n atu rally feel s th e e m

,

b ar ras s m e n t of bein g u nwel co m e It i s th e refo re

.

bu t fai r th at he r positi o n sho u ld b e u nde rstood

and d efi ned .

1
92
 E TIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

I t sets a hi ghe r val u e u po n th e obj ect by p ro

"
- ‘

i
f '

W h at a fé c t n g and hed gi ng i t rou n d i n th e

c h a p e ro n eyes of othe rs an d partic u larly i n those
,

S t an d s mr
o f yo u n g m en who are apt to si gh fo r
th e fru it th at h an gs h igh e s t
fl
Th e v l ua e
Th ere is’
n o o u b t al s o that the p res
, ,

o fa e n c e o f a ch ape ron greatly i m proves th e

C h ap e m “
m an ners o f th e yo u n g peopl e .

The re a re gi rls wh o a re i nhe re ntly wel l b red b u t ,

wh o h avin g th e natu ral i nsti nctive desi re to p lease

, , ,

so meti mes fe ar to be co n s idered pri m p rop e r and , ,

goody go o dy i f they d o not j oi n i n th e p ranks

-
,

an d i m itate th e m anne rs o f those who see m to be

’
ove r m u ch at th e i r c as e i n you ng m e n s so ciety
-
.

To su ch the p resence o f a chape ro n i s neve r a n

u nwelco m e restraint .

M
A lo u d l au gh fam i li ar m anner s u n restrai ne d
, ,

attitu d es are not attractive ; and i n the freed o m O f

,

the cl u b m e n d i scu ss these m atters an d those ,

wh o fancy th at su c h reco m m end the m are h el d

o u s gi rl wi th the h i gh spi rits of yo uth

,

and i ts i gn o rance o f the wo rl d and its ways h as ,

so m eti m es been misu nde rstoo d and pl aced i n a

fals e p osition wh i ch the presence of a chape ro n
,

p u l d have averted .

M any a gi rl wo uld give the worl d to e fface m em

o rie s o fin d is c r e t io n s of co nd u ct th at b ri ng a blu sh

when recalled M oth erless and b rotherless gi r l s

.

are espec i ally i n d an ge r o f ul is cg nge p tio n The .

/
ofte n rou gh c riticis m O f othe r gi rls heard fro m a
I 94
C HA P B R O N S : THEIR US E AND AB US E

b rother i s a lesso n i n m an n ers that u su al ly m akes

an i mp ress io n .

I f a chape ro n i s what she sho u ld be her p res ,

e nce wi ll not wet blanket the m erri men t an d sp on

-

t an e ity b u t m erely ton e d own the excess ive

,

exu b e ranc e ; the gi rls wi ll not be less Wi nso me

b u t less gid d y with m an ne rs hi gh b red n ot co n
, ,

s
p ic u o us .

“
What are the m o me nts i n li fe m ost l ikely to
”
b e re m e mbe re d ? asked o ne cl eve r wo m an o f an
”
othe r Those in wh ic h we fo rgot o u rse lves !
.
“

was th e ans w e r gi ve n wit h a s igh

, .

A gi rl i s so meti mes glad to i ntrenc h h e rsel f b e

h i n d the b u l w arks that soci ety has re ared abo ut
h e r to d efe n d h e rsel f fro m u nwel co me d evoti o n o r
,

attenti o ns .

A chap ero n sho uld be an exam pl e to h er you n g

c harges i n the co nventions and all so ci al qu estio ns ,

shou ld be refe rred to h er S he sho u ld .

T h e p ro p e r
therefo re be em phati cally a gentle
c h a p e ro n
wo m an knowin g th e u sages O f pol ite
,

so ciety ; h er repu tation o f cou rs e above qu esti on

, , .

A E u rope an father who had l ost hi s w ife wou l d

neve r plac e a yo u n g u nm arri e d d au ghte r at th e
he ad o f hi s ho u se with out a resid ent chape ro n ,

and the i mp rop ri ety o f do i n g so i s n ow ac k n o w l

ed ged with u s .

There are n ot wantin g i n thi s cou ntry O ffinanci al

,

u ps a nd downs lad ies wh o are qu al ified i n every

,

way fo r S u ch a positi o n S he sho u ld be treated by

.

eve ry o ne i n the ho u sehol d as thou gh she we re the

I
9S
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O C CA S IONS

soci al e q u al and e ntitled to the s ame d efere nce as

the l ady o f the h o u se who m s h e rep re sents The n .
,

an d o nly then ca n she d o j u stice to the pos iti on

,

an d give to the yo u n g gi rl w hat she need s .

Th e chapero n sho ul d e nde avo r to see th at h os

it ab l e doo rs are O pe n to he r c harge th at well
p ,

b re d and agreeable yo u ng men a re

He r d u t i e s
presented to he r and i t i s h er resp o nsi
,

b ili fy that the gi rl reci p rocates the atte ntio ns that

she receives i n a m an ne r befitti n g he r p ositi o n .

M uch tact is necessary no t to d raw the re i n to o

tightly A l eadi ng strap wo uld be th e bette r fi g
.
-

u re ; that l eaves the yo u n g su bj e ct free b u t ch ecks ,

read i ly wh e n i t i s necessary A chape ro n m u st .

be care fu l neve r to antago nize he r cha rge o r

appear to watch he r S he sho u ld respect th e
p ri vacy of he r letters and n eve r take th e o p p o r
,

t u n ity to reb u k e o r conde m n when a c o nfide nc e i s

given Ind eed he r o nly chance of s u ccess i s to
.

’
wi n the gi rl s real respect an d a ffectio n and th e n ,

en co u rage c onfid e nc e i n o rd er to be able to act fo r

he r goo d and advantage and n ever fro m p e rs o n al
m otives o r cu rio sity It i s he r d u ty h oweve r to
.
, ,

rep rove her ch arge i f s h e i s ca reless i n h er d e

m eano r with yo u n g m en A ll i nvitati o ns to m e n
.

sho u ld be given i n the nam e o f th e m othe r o r

chaperon .

I n travell i n g th rou gh E u rop e yo u n g gi rls m ay

go al most anywhe re u nd er p rop e r chap eron age ,

to th eatres o pe ras stu d ios and i nto s o ci ety O nly

, , , .

when i ntrenched withi n the d i gn ified positi o n o f a

1 96
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L O CCA S I O NS

her to th e pl ace ap po i nted if t h e ho st d oes n ot ,

cal l fo r he r and retu rns to take he r ho m e

, .

A c hap e ro n shou l d e nd e avo r to m ake h erself s o

agreeable that he r s oc iety wi l l n o t b e m ore o f a
pen an ce to the yo u ng m a n wh o falls to
A“
h e r lot than she can h elp S h e n eed .

a gr e e a bl e
i
0

c h a p e ro n
not talk d own to h m and in he r ,

co nversati o n s he sho u ld rem e mb e r th at

the yo u ng d o not enj oy g rave s u bj ects wh en me r
ri m ent h as bee n the O bj ect of thei r m eeti ng .

N eith er s ho u ld s he try to pl ace herself o n hi s level

and assu m e ai rs i uve n il ity S he wi ll only appea r .

ri d i cu lo u s to the keen yo u n g eyes th at wi ll m erc i

l essly j u d ge he r There a re m any s u bj e cts u p o n
.

whi ch yo un g and O l d m ay m eet u po n co m mo n

gro u nd and talk wi th n atu ral ness and e nthu s i asm ,

b ooks m u si c art th e pl ay charm i n g p eople

, , , , ,

autho rs arti sts lect u rers travel am ateu r photo g

, , , ,

r a hy
p ,
b i cycl i n g golf
, tenn
, is botani z i n g ,
— m i nd s ,

and sou ls h ave n o age .

Whe n yo u ng gi rls are asked to b e guests u n

Ch ap e ro n acco m panied by an olde r wo m an the ,

a ge a t hostess assu m es th e O ffi ce and re s p o n

da n ce s o f chap e ro n at ho use p a rties
s ib il ity ,

d ances etc , .

A t a ball the chape ron e nte rs the ro om wi th he r

ch arge at he r left and steps sli ghtly i n advance
,

o f he r to greet thei r hostess S he takes he r seat .

i n th e row of seats agai nst the wall and he r pro ,

t e gé e si ts i n front of he r I n E u rop e at al l l arge

'

balls the walls o f the r oom are l ined with red velve t
1
93
C HA P E RO N S : THEIR U S E AND ABUS E

so fa s whe reo n th e chap e ro ns are se ated O ften o n a ,

raised d ais with thei r yo u n g people u p on ch ai rs at

,

thei r feet Th e eld er wo m en d ressed wi th eleganc e

.
,

a nd weari n g m any j ewels m ake a n e ffective back ,

gro u n d fo r th e costu m es of thei r charges wh ose ,

yo u th and fresh ne s s are the more em phasized by

co ntrast .

The ch ape ro n sho u ld d ress a s u nli ke th e yo ung

gi rls as possibl e —fo r he r th e velvets sti ff b ro
, ,

cades an d to i lets su ggestin g ri chn ess eve n su m p

, ,

t u o u s n e s s ; fo r them d iaphano u s d rap eri es an d

artisti c s i m pl i ci ty N o l an gu age can b e too seve re
.
,

too scathi n g to cond em n the wom an whos e atti re

,

i s lacki ng i n m odesty ; b u t neve r i s i t s o blam e

wo rthy as whe n she i s i n charge o f yo u ng an d
i n no cen t gi rls .

Th e c hapero n sho u ld end eavo r to see that he r

p roteg ee is p rovided w ith a p artne r fo r th e c o til
l io n u si n g the advantages o f he r positi on he r
, ,

acqu ai ntance o r the feeli ng O f i nd ebted ness to

,

ward s her fo r the b enefit of her c h arge

, .

A lways to be fo u n d i n the sam e place the you n g ,

gi rl m ay go to he r between d ances an d so be re ,

l ie ve d o f the d readed feel i n g that she i s i mpo sed

u po n a m an longe r th an she i s welco m e A yo u n g .

ch apero n sho u ld not d ance whil e h e r charge i s

u nprovi d ed w ith a p artner .

Many thi nk t h at a chapero n sh ould S p e c i al

2
1
35
“ 3 “

b e possessed of what they c al l the s o

c ial talent knowi ng how to b a r all
,
’
appro aches towards a gi rl s ac q u ai ntance from the
1 99
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

ranks of th e u ndesi rables as wel l as the O bj ectio n

ables an d b egu ili ng th e e li gi bles i nto an agree abl e
,

atmosphere o f c o ngen i al ity a nd i nti macy th at

”
steals u p o n the m e re th ey are awa re .

fi rst i s i n d ub itably an i mp o rtant q u al ifi

catio n ; th e l ast re qu i res tact sensitiveness an d
, ,

i n nate go od b reed i n g lest the yo u ng su bj ect

,

of he r ma nage m ent be co mp ro m ised i n the very

l east.

S o ci ety re q u ires a certai n amo u nt o f m ani p u la

’

ti o n and cleve r h andl i n g it is said e xcept by

, ,

t h ose who are b o rn with i n its penetralia b ut o ne ,

w o u ld not sto o p to c o n qu er
“
.

It i s qu ite l egiti m ate ho w ever and con sistent

, ,

wi th the d i gn ity o f the O lder wom an as wel l as the

yo u nger that som e ac qu ai ntance s hi ps sh o ul d b e
averte d and others foste r ed .

E sp eci ally at s u m me r h otels ete rnal vi gi lance

sh o u ld n ot be rel axed I nj u d i cious picn ics l on g
.
,

walks wi th O pp o rtu nities fo r t éte a t ete s ex

,
- -
,

c u r s io n s O f all k i n ds m ake th e respon sibi l ity

,

o f c h apero nage so m eti mes a n o nerou s o ne .

The ab u se o f th e chap ero n co nveys a

d o u ble entente . Wi th o ne acceptatio n of th e
wo rd we are all famili ar b u t it h as an oth e r
,

signi fic atio n .

A wom an who m akes the p ositi o n an excu s e fo r

In j u d i c i o u s goi ng i nto gay so ciety fo r he r own
c h a p e ro n am u se m ent o r advanc e m ent i s an u nfit
a ge
perso n with who m to trust a yo u ng and
i nexpe rienced gi rl .

2 00
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

to h er th e yo un g me n who m she m eets i f they ,

are stand i n g near an d it i s alway s a co m pli m e nt

,

A gi rl s' to a man to be b ro u ght to the m othe r

at t e n t i o n s o r chapero n fo r a speci al i ntro d u cti o n .

to h er S he shou ld reci p rocate th e i nte rest O f

Ch a p e r o n
the chape ro n i n he r pleas u res by s how
i n g s o m e sol ic itu d e fo r th e co m fo rt and enj oyme nt
of that lady noticing whethe r o r no t she h as so m e
,

o n e to talk with and wi th he r better oppo rtu nities

,

of s ee i n g the roo m m ay manage to i ns u re that s h e

,

b e mo re agreeably s eate d I f s he b e ove rlo oked at

.

s u pp er the gi rl may ask he r own partne r to p rovid e

,

fo r he r and i f he i s a ge ntl em an h e wil l th i nk the

, ,

bette r o f h er fo r her tho u ghtfu l co n si de ratene ss

an d perfo rm th e li ttl e se rvi ce with readi ness .

Th e ch apero n is so meti mes a yo un g mothe r ,

feeli n g sc arcely O l der th an h er dau ghte r b u t

ob liged to take a pe rman en t seat agai nst the wall ,

whi le he r own feet ti ngle with the desi re to d o as

he r d au ghter i s d o i ng .

A gi rl m ay associ ate h e r m other i n he r p l ea s

u res and e nlist he r inte rest by being a little c o n fi
d enti al abo u t wh at she hea rs an d the p eo ple wh om
sh e m eets s u re at least o f a d iscreet co nfid ante
, .

L ittle attenti on s are n eve r m ore appreci ate d

than when shown by a gi rl to h e r m other o r ch ap
e ro n i n p ub li c su ch as b ein g c areful to give that
,

l ady precede nce anti cip atin g he r wishe s i n tri fli n g

,

acts watchfu l ab o ut d rau ghts o r d i sco mfort i n any

,

fo rm ,
-
n ot afte r the patron iz i n g m anne r that I
have so meti mes seen of l ooki ng afte r som e in c o m
,

2 02
CHAP E R O N S : THEIR US E AND ABUS E

pete nt to o old o r too stu p i d to care fo r h e rsel f b u t

,

with l ovi ng c o nsi de rateness and gentle de ferenc e .

Thi s i s the m an ner i ncu lcated i n E u rop ean gi rl s ,

an d i n th i s l and o f assertive d em oc rati c o p i n i ons

we are i n d ange r o f lo s i n g s o m e o f th e grace s that
co m e o f a r eve re nt attitu d e toward s those whose
s u pe ri o rity i n any fo rm we acknowled ge I n al l
.

r elatio ns e nj oym ent i s e n c h an c e d by rec i p roc ity

.

”
H app i ne s s was b o rn a twi n !

203
 a
p t er T/z i r t e e n t é E NGAG EM E N TS

M AN o nce wrote to a lead i n g j o u r

n al a s ki n g n aively
, I f the wed ,

d i ng d ay i s fixed fo r n ext m onth ,

’
when sho ul d the fath er s con sent
be asked ? ”
He n eglected to ask~

w h et h e r o r not th e bride s p ar ents sho u l d be i nvited

’

to th e wed d i ng !
I t i s a p oi nt of eti qu ette u po n wh i ch parents
and yo u n g pe rso ns are at vari ance whethe r a m an ,

sho u l d fi r s t ask the con s ent o f the gi rl w h o m h e

desi res to m arry o r that o f h er parents to wi n he r
,

i f h e c an I n E u ro pe the dec isio n wo u ld s i d e w ith

.

’
th e parents b ut i n A m eri c a a m an s pe rm issi o n to
,

wi n the wo m an of hi s choi ce i s u su ally taken enti rely

fo r granted .

M d e V ari gny i n his very fl atteri ng bo ok o n

.
,

”
Wo m an i n th e U n ited S tates d ates th e s u prem
,

”
acy o f the sex fro m th e m o ment when i n colo ,

ni al N e w E n gland a wom an was co n ced ed the

,

right to d ispose o f h e r own h and i n m arriage .

Wo men i n those d ays h ad not d e mo n strated the

s u rvival o f th e fittest by bei ng i n th e m aj o rity !
Wi ves were a sca rce co m m o dity then and the ,
“

”
right o ne always i s so th e p rerogative h as neve r
,

been ab rogated .

2 04
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L O CCA S I O NS

Th e re c epti o n O fthe fi a n c é e by th e fam ily o fh e r

futu re h u sb and shou l d be warm an d co rd i al and ,

sh e o n he r p art m u st p u t fo rth al l he r p owe rs O f

plea s ing and co n ci l i ati o n to eve ry m e m be r o f it .

Where fi rst i mpressio ns are agreeable they i mp ose ,

certai n p le as ant obli gatio n s u p o n thos e who i nsp i re

the m to co nti n u e to l ive u p to them .

A t ne w s o f a betro th al frie nds h aste n to extend

,

i nvitati on s fo r d i nne rs th eatre p arti es an d o the r

,
-
,

A tt e n t io n s
festivities to th e h appy p ai r an d th e two ,

an d fam il ies i nterested i nterc han ge h osp i

c o n gr a t u t al itie s that o f the yo u ng m an taki n g the
,

l am “
i niti ative.

I t i s the p resent fash io n for i nti m ate fri end s to

se n d to a gi rl at news O fhe r engagem en t p r esents
, ,

i n th e fo rm o f teacu ps A cu p of tea is pop u l arly

.

su ppo s ed to b e o n e O fthe c o nsolati o ns O fspi nster

hood A teac u p wo u l d the re fore be an i nvid i o u s
.

gift u ntil afte r the e ngage m e nt whe n i ts s ign ifi ,

cance wo u l d c ease to wo u nd ! S uch was th e e x

pl anati o n of t h e c u sto m give n by one yo u ng gi rl ,

se n o n é vero é ben trovato

,

The en gaged m an is co ngratulated bu t o ne

wishes th e wo m a n al l h ap pi ness since the i mplied
s u ccess c rowni ng p u rsu it and e ffo rt i s mo re p rop
, ,

”
e rly asc ribed to th e m an The w o rd feli citati on
. ,

u sed by t h e F rench u nd e r s u ch c i rc u m stances ,

wo u ld cove r all th e grou nd .

It i s a pity th at the fi rst fl ush o f h app in ess sho u ld

be m arred by th e knowl ed ge that o n e i s th e O bj ect
o f sc ru ti ny and c o m ment The gi rls ask . D oes ,

2 06
 ENGAGEM ENTS

”
s he see m h appy ? I s he m uch i n love ? an d the
“

m e n i n c areless b ut pithy ph rases pro n o u nc e j u d g

m ent acco rd i n g to thei r li ght T he Ac c e p t i n g
.

newly e n gage d s ubj ected to thi s fi re o f c o n grat u

,

l a t im s
c u ri os ity an d c ri ti c is m m u st c are fu lly
,

gu ard thei r beh avi o r i n p u bli c It i s qu ite pos .

s ible fo r a gi rl to b e ve ry hap py witho ut m aki n g

an exh i bitio n o f he r bl i ss to every chanc e pe r
s o n wh o re fe rs to he r e ngage ment A m a n som e .
.

ti m es i n re ce ivi ng co ngratul ations atte mpts to

, ,

c ove r h i s n atu ral e mb arrass ment by a wo u ld b e -

faceti ou sness th at i s i n wretched taste A warm .

”
h and c l asp a n earnest Thank yo u s u flic e for
-
,
“ ‘

acknowled gm e nt .

Th e ri n g i s gi ven whe n the engage m en t i s an

n o unce d ,
o r at least i t is the n o p en ly wo rn i ts ,

c ho ice d ep en d i ng u p o n the taste o r

T h e rin g
m eans o f th e giver F ash ion d i ctates a
.

so litai re d i am o nd o r th at stone i n c o mb i natio n with

anothe r ge m A n i nsc ripti o n wi thi n its ci rcle
.

s h o uld ad d m u ch to its valu e .

T he lovers a re see n O ften togethe r i n p u blic as ,

they a re n o t su ppose d to c are fo r gayety apart

fro m eac h othe r They sh o uld not
.

B e h av i o r
m ake the mselves c onspi c u ou s by t h ei r in p u bl i c
m u tu al devotio n A clever m an e ri ti
. ,

lei si ng a rec ent novel i n wh ich the l ove sc en es -

we re ve ry i m p ass io ned rem arked that the reader

,
’
feels hi mself d e t ro p !
‘
It d esc ribes th e se n
sati o n o f othe rs wh en love rs i n thei r p resenc e are
too consciou s O fo ne a nothe r .

20 7
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

On th e othe r h and neglect i n di fferenc e o r a

, , ,

t o o evi d ent i ntere s t i n a nothe r i s th e u np ard o n ,

abl e si n i n an en gage d m an o r wo m an It is .

l é s e m aj est é to l ove and the traitors a re vi si ted

,

with th e u ni ve rsal rep rob ati o n th at th ey d ese rve .

The F rench say 1 1 y a to uj ou rs n u qu i ai m e e t

, ,

”
un qu i s e laisse ai me r bu t i t m u st n ot be
,

app are n t .

I t is u s u al fo r the love rs to sp en d thei r eve n

i ngs togeth e r b u t whe n th e engage m ent p ro m ises
,
’
to b e a lo n g o ne the gi rl s p are nts o ften wi s ely
, , ,

p rem ise th at two o r th ree eveni ngs i n th e week

shal l su ffi ce . S ho rt co m mon s h ave u s u ally the
ef fect o f addi n g z est to a pleasu re .

There is m u ch d ifferen ce o f op in i o n abo u t lon g

Lo n g
an d sh ort en g a ge ments .

a n d s h o rt M any perso ns p refer not to an no u n ce

e n ga g e t h e i r e ngageme nt u ntil there i s a p ro s
m en t s
p e c t o f the marri age taki ng pl ace wi th i n
a year si nce fash io n p resc ri bes not m o re th an
,

that i nte rval ; b u t F ash i o n i s a med d le r i n wh at

co nce rns he r not an d sho u ld b e s everely s n ubbe d
,

i f s he u rges any cl ai m to a heari n g i n m atters o f

real i mportance .

Those who advocate sh ort en gage m ents qu ote

’
the O l d saw H ap py th e wo oi n g t h at s not long
,

”
a do i n g
-
, an d u s u ally fail i ng real argu m ent fal l
, ,

b ack o n p redi lectio n and p rej ud i ce S u rely if .

,

the re are u npleasant revel atio ns O f ch aracte r to

be m ad e wi ser i s i t to m ake thei r discovery wh ile
,

withd rawal fro m the bond i s yet possible .

2 08
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

p rop rieto rs b eli eve that h e o r she has th e large r

”
hal f !
S he m u st b e wi se and tactfu l no t to aro u se
j ealo u sy ,
ri vals are s e l d o m fri end s an d i n h e r ,

rel ati o ns w ith he r love r let h er re m e mbe r that

n oth i ng s o whets app reci ati o n o f anythin g as n o t
to have all that we want .

A yo u n g wo m an who was c ritici sed fo r p rolo n g

i n g he r en gagemen t l au gh i ngly repl i ed : O h I “
,

know wh en I a m w ell o ff I have always n ot ic e d .

that befo re m arri age th e m an i s al l eagern ess

to p lease the wo man b ut whe n they a re m ar ,

ri ed p resto ! al l is chan ged and the an xi ety i s

, ,

transfe rre d !
A n Ital i an wo m an o nc e p atheti c ally r e m arked
’ ’
B ee fo re e m arry weeth a m e e want k ee s a
- - -
,
-

’
gro u nd wh e re I walk A fte r e treat a m e l i ke a
.
,
- - -

”
was hees d o nkey ! S he was a b eli eve r i n lo ng
en gagem ents .

E n gaged c o u p l es m ight b e i ntereste d to learn

th at yo u n g pe rs ons i n thei r c ondi tio n i n early
E n ga ge
colon
_
i al ti mes were red u ce d to the
”
m e n t s in n ecess ity o f u si ng a co u rti n g sti ck “
-
,

°° 1° n i3 1 wh i ch was a hollow tu be eight feet lon g , ,

d ay s
th rou gh whi ch l ove rs i n the p resenc e ,

o f th e a s sembled fam ily co u ld whisp er tend e r ,

m essages u nh eard by the rest — the telephon e s

’
, ,

earl iest d evelop ment O n e i s sti ll p rese rved at

.

L o n g M eadow Massach u setts , .

A n en gaged gi rl shou ld accept fr o m h e r l ove r

o n ly s uc h gifts b eyo nd th e u su al fl owe rs and
,

ZIO
 ENGAGEM ENTS

bo nb on s as m i ght b e retu rned u n i nj u re d shou ld

,

the e ngage ment b e b roken si nce s uc h

G ift s
,

c ala m ity s o m eti mes befall s.

A chap e ro n i s still d e m anded by c o nve nti on .

N oth i n g i s wo rse fo rm tha n fo r an en gaged co u pl e

to travel togeth e r o r to go alo ne to th e
Ch a p e ro n
theatre i n th e even i n g th o ugh they
,
a ge

m ay d ri ve i n an o pe n c arri age u n c h ap
,

e ro n e d
. S o s ays M adam G ru ndy who howeve r
, , ,

so m eti m es ad m its exceptio nal and exte n u ati n g

c i rcu m s tances
.

211
Cé d p t er F o u r t eem fi — W E D D I N G ‘

P R E P A R AT I O N S A N D P R E L I M I N A R I E S

I FE i s s et to a merry t u ne d u ri n g
the weeks p reced in g a wedd i n g to
those who are to take th e le adi n g
rd l es, p rovi ded a l ways that thei r
h ea rts are maki ng melo dy s i nc e ,

love i s the key note that u nlocks th e m u si c A ll

-
.

the wo rl d tu rns a s mil i ng face F am i ly and fri e nds

.

e nte r i nto l ovi n g c onsp i racy to m ake th e ti me a

h appy o ne The home fac es were never s o te nde r
.
-
,

’
an d love s id eal iz i n g fac u lty p ersu ades the yo u n g
c ou ple that e ach h as wo n th e gem o f hu m an kin d
an d p ai nt s the fu tu re o ne p rolo nged honeym oo n .

It i s n o wo nd er that gi rl s look fo rward and

wo m en lo ok b ack to these halcyo n days .

A wed d i n g m ay b e ei the r fo rm al o r si mpl e .

B oth are e qu al ly hon o rabl e and the observance o f

,

th e eti qu ette th at i s s anctio ned by cu sto m o r p re

s c ri bed by fashi o n i s altogethe r O ptional .

A ch u rch wed di n g i s th e o ne m ost i n favo r with

th ose havi ng a l arge c i rcl e o f fri e nd s The c o n s e
.

c rated ed ifice seem s to so me to hallo w th e rite ;

, ,

others b el ievi n g that G o d i s everywhere p rese nt

, ,

fee l th at the atmosphere o f ho me i s frau ght with

sp ecial blessin g and p refer a ho u se we dd i n g .

2 12
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

least a m onth i n advan c e o f the tim e fo r thei r

s en d i n g
.

’
S o m eti mes fo r eco no my s sake i nstead o f h avi n g
, ,

’
the i nvi tati o n s d i rected at the en graver s o r in
,

tru sted to o the r age ncy the b ri de elect m akes th e

,
-

add ressi n g O f the m a n occasi o n fo r a ple asant

gathe ri ng of her i nti m ate friend s wh o all take p art
, .

J u ne strews th e p athway o f eve ry b ri d e w ith

Th e t im e
roses and
, scatte rs s u nsh i ne so l avi shly
fo r t h e th at i t i s n o wo nder th at th e fl owe ry
W e ddi n g m o nth h as always be en tho u gh t i
p p
ro

tio u s fo r wedd i ngs Th ere h as lo ng be en a fo olish

.

p rej u d i c e agai nst m arryi n g i n M ay b u t al l s u ch ,

s u perstiti o ns are fast d isapp eari n g — o u r heave n

’
h as a F ath er i n i t O ctobe r s gold en d ays m ake
.

that m o nth a favo ri te fo r wedd ings .

The m ost fash io nabl e h o u r fo r the c ere m o ny i s

”
h i gh noo n , accordi ng to E ngl ish p re ced e nt ,

b u t any reaso n able h o u r o f th e twenty fo u r m ay be -

’
s elected The ti m e betwe e n th ree an d five o cl oc k
.

o f the afte rn o o n offe rs the ad vantages o f m o re

lei su re fo r p reparati o n th e gre ate r co nven i ence fo r
,

the attend ance O f the gu ests a nd a m o re eas i ly,

con d u cted entertai n ment afte r th e rite .

The E ngl ish c u sto m O f app oi nti ng the h o u r o f

no o n fo r wed d i ngs h as a l ame ntable o ri gi n A t .

—
th e ti m e o f i ts i nstituti o n the early ho u r i nsu red
th e sobriety o f th e b ri degro o m ; late r i n the d ay
he m ight n ot b e respon sibl e for his pro m ises !
C h u rch cl ergym an all the details of th e wed
, ,

d in g are left to th e ch oic e o f the bri d e .

2 14
 W EDDING P REP ARATION S

I t i s th e prese nt fa s hi o n to h ave fro m fo u r to

e i ght brid es m aid s as m any u she rs a m aid o f
, ,

h o no r a bes t m an an d s o meti mes o ne C h o o s i n g

, ,

o r two little gi rl s — yo u n g en ou gh to be th e
am n d am s
u nco nsci o u sly gracefu l who c arry b as
’
kets o f fl owe rs and scatte r blosso m s i n the bri d e s
p athway a s they p rece d e he r u p the aisle .

Th e p rosp ecti ve bri de selects h e r b ride s m aids

fro m am ong her i nti m ate gi rl fri ends an d rel ati ves ,

and u s u al l y in c l u d e s on e o r m o re si ste rs O f the b ri de

groo m The m ai d o fho no r i s always a s iste r of the
.

b ri de o r h e r de arest fri en d as the best m an i s ei the r

,

’
the brid e groo m s own b rothe r o r th e fri en d o f h i s
h eart Th e u she rs are c h osen fro m am on g th e
.

close fri e nd s o f b oth The i nvitati o n m ay be gi ve n

.

e ith e r by n ote o r ve rb ally with o u t fo rm ality ,

an d sho u ld n ever be re fu sed withou t excellent

reaso n .

A bo u t a week be fo re the m arri age th e brid e

ele ct gives a d i nne r to her bri des m ai ds Th e ,

b r ifl e s
at wh i ch so m eti m es the gro o m best ,
‘

’
mds
m an and u sh ers are p resent b u t O fte ne r g
, ,
ii n n e r
th e fu ncti o n i s sacred to gi rlhood .

A nythi n g i s welco m ed th at p ro m otes fu n and

frol i c and all the i nn o cent O l d su pe rstiti on s are
,

revived A h u ge c ake i s b ro u ght i n wi th the i ces

.

at the cl ose o f the feast co ntai ni n g a rin g com

, , ,

an d thi mbl e the ch an ce re ci pi ents of whi ch are

,

s upposed to be d esti ned by fo rtu ne fo r m arri age ,

wealth o r s in gle blessed ness The deco ratio ns o f

,
-
.

t h e tabl e are u su ally pi nk s u ggestive o f rosy

,

215
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IONS

vi si o ns o f the futu re th e favo rite fl ow e rs b ri d es

,
’
m ai d s rose s with m ai d enh ai r fe rn M any s u b s ti .

tute a lu ncheo n for a d i n ne r .

The yo u n g wo m an take s th i s op po rtu ni ty to

p resent h e r s o uve ni rs to he r b rid e s m ai ds These .

are gene rally s m al l p ieces o fj e w e l ry fans o r som e , ,

p retty t rifl e s to b e wo rn at the wed di n g Th ey

, .

sho u ld all b e alike T hese m em entoes so meti m es

.

tax reso u rce s al ready s u fll c ien tl y strai n ed an d o n e

f
,

yo u ng wom an with m o re talent than m o ney pai nted

he r own i nterlaced i n iti als u po n s mal l p i nk gau z e
fans th e letters fo rm ed o f tiny roses They were
, .

wo rn by the b ri des maid s s u spende d at the si d e by

pi nk sati n ribb ons .

I n e arli e r and si m p le r ti m es i n o u r cou ntry the

you n g gi rls i n antici p ati o n o f thei r m arri age and
,

c o nsequ ent ho u sekeep i n g i nte rests wo ul d co nven e ,

”
thei r m ates to a qu ilti n g p arty wh ere to ngu es
-
,

an d fin gers vied i n n i mble ne ss It was th o u ght .

that th e you n g wom an wh o set the last sti tc h wo u l d

b e th e fi rst b ri d e b u t i f o n e h app ened to d rop
,

s p ool scisso r s o r th i mbl e h e r chances o f m arri age

, , ,

we re lost fo r th at ye ar .

I n o u r ti m es the yo u ng wo m en do not h ave all

th e fu n Th e expectant gro o m gives a b ach elo r
.

”
o r stag d in ner to h i s best m an u she rs , ,
Th e
br i de an d i nti mate friend s the week befo
, re
gr o o m s
’
hi s wedd i ng u su ally i n a p ri vate r oom
,

el m
b
t
d m n er
i n so m e resta urant o f repu tati o n o r at ,

his ho m e o r cl ub Those wh o are to .

take p art i n t h e w edd i ng ce re moni al fin d with

2 16
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS
’

s easo n o f the yea r i f th e y are o rde red O f a fl o ri st

,

two o r th ree m o nths i n advan ce of the wed d i n g

.
,

acco rd i n g to th e se as o n .

’
The b ri de always w e ars the b ri d egroo m s gi ft .

A n ol d s aw p resc ribe s that she also we ar

S o m e th i ng o l d an d s o m eth i ng n e w ,

S o m eth i ng b o rr o w ed an d s o m eth i ng b l u e
,
.

The bl u e ribbo n o f the g arte r gene rally s ati sfies

th e latte r re qu i rem en t .

The b rid e someti mes wears he r vei l ove r h e r

fac e as sh e goes u p the aisle b u t ret u rni ng i t i s ,

th row n back showi n g h e r h appy face to th e wo rl d

, .

A tu lle vei l i s n ot c u t u nti l a fte r i t i s a rran ged

u p o n the head as i t sho u ld reach q u i te to th e ed ge
,

O fthe trai n .The vei l m ay b e so arran ged th at th e

p ie ce that covers the fac e i s pi nned ac ross th e hai r
an d fal ls to th e waist Thi s c an be re m ove d afte r
.

th e ce remony by th e m ai d o f honor an d c arri ed o n

he r arm o u t o f th e chu rch I t is d i ffic u lt to th row
.

i t bac k graceful ly I f the bod i ce is n o t m ad e wi th

.

a g u i m p e an ext ra wai st l ow necked i s o fte n

, ,
-
,

o rd ered to b e wo rn late r at di nners The d ress .

”
m akers u s u ally i ncl u de a p ar u re of wh ite ro ses
with t h e wed di ng gown to replace th e o ran ge ,

blosso m s whe n i t i s wo rn afte r the m arri a ge A t .

a n even i n g wedd i n g sh e wo u ld wear a déco lleté

gow n F ash i o n no w d ictates wh ite S u ed e gloves
. .

The left o ne i s re m oved wh en th e ri ng i s given and

i s not resu m ed S o m e b ri des wear no gloves the
.
,

hand clasp d u ri ng the c ere m o ny seem i n g to h ave

-

m o re si nce rity withou t the m .

2 18
 W EDDING P RE P ARATIONS
’
Th e b ri d e s bo u qu et th e gi ft o f th e b ri d egroo m
, ,

i s u s u ally o f o range blosso m s o r b ri d e roses

wi th lil ie s O ft h e val ley o r white o rch ids a sh ower
o f blosso m s tu mb l i ng fro m i t th e e ffect p ro d u ced
by grad u ated l oops of narrow ribbon s u p o n wh i ch ,

at i nte rval s fl owe rs are fasten ed .

A wh ite p raye r book so meti m es rep laces th e

-

bo u qu et w h i c h th e b ri d e gives to th e c le rgym an
, ,

and fro m wh i ch h e read s th e servi ce Th i s b ook .

o fte n c ontai ns bl ank p ages fo r the s i gn atu re s o f

th e cle rgym an and b ri d al p arty .

S o m e gi rlish b ri des h ave p re fe rre d t o we ar wh ite

o rgand i e gowns very sh ee r an d fi ne tri m m ed wi th
, ,

a s i m ple V al en ci en n es l ace and sash es o f white

s ati n ribb on S u ch a gown with a tu lle vei l and a
.

few n atu ral fl owers i n th e h ai r an d at the b elt ,

m akes a costu m e th at i n i ts sweet s i mp l i city leaves

a p i c tu re i n the m i nd th at one wou ld n ot wi llingly
fo rget fo r th e m ore el abo rate m il li nery o f o ne o f
’
Worth s c re ati ons The atten d ants o f a b rid e
.

d ressed i n th i s dai nty way m ay wear pi nk fl o w e r

strewn o rgand ies wi th legho rn h ats w reathed with
,

roses o r othe r flowe rs A ll the gown s sho u l d h ave

.

trai n s .

A gi rl wh o c an h ave b ut two o r th ree new fro ck s

wo u ld sho w wi sd o m i n being m arrie d i n travelli n g
d ress an d m any pre fer i t thou gh s enti m ent hold s
, ,

d ear a real wedd i n g gown .

I f the b rid e we ar travel lin g costu m e h at and ,

gloves are necessary S h e d oe s n ot c arry a b o u qu et

.
,

no r does sh e h ave b ride sm aid s The costu m e .

2 19
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

sh ou l d b e o f cl oth o r som e oth er m ateri al s u itable

fo r travelli ng .

A wi do w neve r wear s whi te no r a veil no r o ran ge , ,

b losso m s b u t pearl gray o r s om e l ight

T h e d r e ss
,

o fa
s ilk c loth o r velvet i fn ot travell i n g co s
, , ,

w id o w tu me I n e ithe r c ase she wears a bo n net

.
,

b r id e b u t m ay at a ho u se wed di n g leave i t
, ,

Of f if sh e please .

Th e b ri degroo m at a noo n o r aftern o o n wed

,

d in g wears a frock c oat white d u ck o r p i qué

, ,

Th e b r i d e d o u ble b reasted wai s

-
tcoat o r o n e
gro o m s
’
m atchin g the co at tro u se rs o f d ark ,

d re s s stri ped m ateri al p atent leath e r s hoes ,

-
,

gloves an d s ilk A scot ti e o f white o r pearl gray ,

and a l arge bo u tonni ere o f garden ia s p i nks o r , ,

othe r sm all wh ite fl owers .

’
A t a weddi n g celeb rated after s i x o cl o ck P M . .

h e wears fu ll even ing d res s swallow tai l coat ,

-
,

low cu t waistcoat and tro users of fi ne wo rsted

-
,

o r the w aistco at o f d u ck o r p i qu é do u ble b reasted -

and c u t s o as to d isplay a l arge exp ans e O f wel l

lau n de re d sh i rt front The ti e of la w n i m m acu late
.

and freshly tied s tand i ng col l ar white gloves

, , ,

a si lk hat and p atent leathe r shoe s co m plete the

,
-

costu m e S h o u ld th e b ri d e wear travelling d ress

.

at an eve ni n g wed d i n g u nde r stres s of c i rc u m ,

stances he wo u ld w ear a Pri nc e A lbe rt c oat

, ,

stri pe d tro u se rs etc as at an afternoo n c e re m o

, .
,

n i al o r a c u t away co at an d waistco at o f vi cu na
,
-
,

gray trou s ers a co lo red tie and tan kid gray

, , ,

s u ed e o r n o gloves
,
.

2 20
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

Th e m ai d O f h ono r wears a gown O f a d i ffe rent

c olo r fro m th at of th e b ri d esm ai ds n ot i nfre qu ently ,

co mb i nin g th e shad e o f thei rs with the wh ite of

the b ridal atti re I t i s always d isti ngu ished fro m
.

th e rest by a so m ew h at greater elegance .

A m atro n o f ho no r m ay rep lac e the m aid s ho u l d ,

the favo rite s iste r o r fri e nd O f the b ri d e be a m a r

ried wom an .

A l l wear h ats an d gloves S t Pau l i s re s p o n

. .

si ble fo r t h e fashi o n fo rb iddi ng a wo m an to ente r

a c hu rch wi th u ncovere d he ad —fo r i n h is ti m e ,

an d c ou ntry no m ode st wo m an wo u ld be see n i n

p u bl i c wi tho u t a vei l o r head coverin g It som e -
.

ti mes happens w he n a m u ch bel oved fri en d wh o m

,

th e b ri d e d e s i res to i nclud e amon g her b ri d es

m ai d s i s weari ng m ou rn i n g t h at it i s d i sc arde d
,

m erely fo r the o c casi on — a m arriage bein g a

,

reli gi ou s rite an d not a so ci al functi on .

The best m an and u shers d ress as n early as

possible l ike the groom — wearing l arge bo u to n
,

T h e d re s s
n i eres sent the m by the b ride and th e ,

o f t h e b e s t gl oves and ti e p rovi ded by the b ri d e

m a n an d gro om as wel l as the sl eeve li nks -
,
,

“ S h e ’s
scarf p i n o r whateve r his gi ft m ay
-
,
’
h ave be en S hou l d th e u s h ers attire d i ffe r fro m
.

th at o f th e groo m i n trifl i n g p arti c u lars th es e ,

ge ntlem en sho u ld agree to d ress as nearly alike

as they m ay .

’
Thei r h ats are cared fo r by th e sexto n s as
s is t an t at th e chu rch and give n to the m i n the
,

vestibu le as they leave the bu ild ing .

2 22
 W EDDING P REP ARATI O NS

’
The b ri de s m othe r wears vi siti n g o r receptio n
costu m e O f an elegance s u i ted to he r m e ans and
station an d he r yo u ng si sters p retty T h e at t i re
, ,

high necked fro cks w ith p ictu resqu e o ft h e

-

h ats. N O m o u rn i n g garb is p erm i s b ri d e s

’

fu n d "
s ible a m o ng the wed d i n g p arty The .

’
brid e s wi dowe d m othe r wou ld l ay he rs as i de to ,

res u me i t afte r the wedd i n g Pale gray m auve

.
, ,

o r bl ack and whi te i n co m bi nati o n are the col or s

ge ne ral ly chose n .

’
Th e b ridegro o m s duties before the wed d i n g are
to c all u p o n the clergy m an to besp e ak h i s s e r
vi ces an d sec u re the m arri age l icen s e
T he dut ie s
.

A t a fash i o nable wedd i ng last sp r i n g a d n

the bri d egroo m ove rlooke d thi s m atter e xp e n s e s

and the cle rgym an i n q u i red i f h e h ad
b r i d e gr o o m
the l i cense as the br i d al p rocess i o n
was co mi n g u p the aisle The m in i ste r wo u ld not
.

o r c ou l d n ot p erfo rm the cere m o ny with o u t i t and ,

the b ri de an d he r gu ests waite d two h o u rs wh i l e

the b rid egro o m and h is best m an went i n searc h
O f th e legal docu me nt !

The bri degroo m has p rope rly n o exp enses at

, ,
’
hi s we dd i ng bu t the ring th e cl ergym an s fee
, ,

the carriages sen t to co nvey the u she rs to an d

fro m th e c h u rch th e o ne i n wh ic h h e an d hi s
,

best m an d rive to the chu rc h an d wh ich takes

’
t h e latte r to the b ri d e s h o u se afte r the c ere mony ,

and fi nally the carri age i n wh ic h h e d rives wi th

hi s w ife fro m he r late hom e afte r th e recepti on ,

en ro u te fo r the place of the i r h oneymoon H e .

2 23
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

co n forms to c u sto m howeve r whe n b es i des h i s

, , ,

gi ft to the b rid e h e p rovi d es h er bo u qu et and

,

tho se o f the brid es m aid s and so u ve ni rs fo r hi s

,

b est m an an d u she rs .

H e also fu rn ishes the gloves and ties wo rn by

these ge ntle me n at the wedd i ng Th e best m an .

m akes the necessa ry i n qu i ries abo u t the s iz es o f

th e gloves an d att e n d s to the co m m i ssi o n o r
, ,

’
d i rects s o m e me n s fu rn i sh in g fi rm to d o s o an d
s u pp ly the requ ire men t The arti cle s are s ent to
.

th e me n s ho u ses o r d o ne u p in boxes ti ed wi th
’
,

wh ite ribbo ns and p laced at thei r covers at the

farewel l bach elo r d i nne r I f the best m a n c o m e
.

as a stran ge r to th e pl ac e especi ally to give hi s ,

se rvi ce s th e b rid egroo m ofte n fills the pl ace o f

,

h i s h ost an d i f both are to travel togethe r to

,

so me d i stant place fo r th e wedd i n g th e gro o m ,

wou ld p ay the travellin g expen s e s i f perm itted ,

to d o s o .

’
The am o u nt o f th e cle rgym an s fee i s enti rely a
m atter o f o ption with the b ridegroo m afte r ,

co nsu ltati o n with h is pocket The p oo rest wou l d .

no t gi ve less than five d ollars and the wealthi est ,

rarely m o re th a n a h u nd red .

The m oney or ch eck i s placed i n a n e nvel ope

an d entrusted to the best m an .

I f m o re th an on e cle rgym an O fli c iate s at th e

c ere m o ny each sho u ld rece ive a recogn itio n O f
,

h i s se rvices I n th e c ase wh ere a near rel ati ve

.

assist s i n tyi n g the kn ot a gi ft wo u ld replace the

,

fe e .

2 24
ETI QUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

c o nsi de r ati o n s i n fu rtheri n g the wis hes o f the

b ri d e
.

The b es t m an as b efo r e s tated atten d s to th e

, ,

’
groo m s c o m m issi o n fo r the gloves an d n eckties
’
o f h is atte nd ants H e is th at ge ntlem an s re p re
.

s e n t at iv e , an d m akes h i msel f gen erally u se fu l

whe neve r the occas i o n o ffers ; b u t h i s chi ef d u ti es ,

l ike those o f the m ai d o f hon o r u s hers an d bri des , ,

m ai ds d o not begi n u ntil the wedd i ng d ay arrives

,
.

Prese nts are sent at any ti m e afte r i t i s kn own

th at the d ate has b ee n fi xe d fo r th e we d di n g b u t
’

the recei pt O f the i nvitatio ns i s the

Th e
general sign al fo r thei r Of
feri n g The
b rid al gi ft s y .

sho u l d be m arke d with the i n itials o f

’
th e b ride s m ai de n n ame and a re generally se nt
,

fro m the s ho p whe re th ey a re bou ght wi th th e ,

’
give r s c ard u p o n wh ich a few co n gratu l ato r y
,

wo rds m ay be writte n o r n ot as o n e pl ease , .

I t i s by n o m eans O bl igato ry fo r al l i nvi ted

guests to se n d p resents S uc h a c u sto m wo u ld
.

b e m e rely a soci al tax Pe rs o ns o f any del ic acy

.

wo u l d dep rec ate d uty p rese nts and wo u l d j u stly

-
,

hes itate to se n d i nvi tati o ns i f they rep resented a

,

cove rt d em and fo r gifts .

T o those aske d to th e chu rch cere mo ny o nly ,

the re rests n o O bl igati on t h ou gh they a re p rivi

,

l e ge d to sen d a s mall gift i f they pl e ase O cc a .

s io n al l y they s e nd a b o u qu et to the b rid e o n the

wed d i n g m o rn i n g with a c ard of con gratu lati o n .

N o o n e s hou ld b e d eterre d from send in g a

s i mp le gi ft b ec aus e i t do es no t rep re s ent m o ney
,

2 26
 W EDDING P REP ARATI O NS

val u e S o m e s m all conven i e nc e that wi l l o fte n

.

b e a re m i nd e r of the give r fulfil s the best m issio n

o f a gi ft an d s u ch as o w e the i r val u e to the per
,

s o n al i nd u stry of a fri en d sho ul d be e sp eci ally

ap p reci ated .

T he fact o f bein g i n m o u rn i ng o r travel ling

ab road d oes n o t exe m pt o ne fro m the co u rte ou s
obl igati o n o f se nd ing a s mall re m e mb ranc e i f ,

o n e wo ul d be p res ent at th e wed di ng u n de r othe r

c i rc u m stances .

T he re are al w ays s o m e fo olish ly ch ose n gi fts

an d p ro bably seve ral d u p l i cates b ut wi tho ut the
, ,

s u ggestio n o r pe rmissio n o f the give r i t i s in c o n ,

s i de rate to exc hange the m s u bo rd i n ati ng senti

,

m ent to a m ost mercenary sp i ri t A brid e of .

last s u m m e r i s known to have take n m any o f

’
he r p resents to the si lve r smi th s whe re they we re
m ad e and aski ng c red i t fo r th ei r valu e p ro ceeded
, , ,

to sel ect wh atever took her fan cy Probably th e .

m ost welco m e gi ft takes the fo rm of a ch eck with

wh i ch to pu rchase what othe rs h ave o m itted to
offe r to grati fy s o m e speci al desi re o r to lay
, ,

asi de for fu tu re nee d o r em ergency O f co u rse .

o nly the fam il ies o f th e b ride an d gro o m are p rivi

l e ge d to h ave thei r gi fts take su ch fo rm Th e .

whe rewithal fo r a wed d i ng trip ab road was the

p leasant O fferi n g o f the father o f o ne yo u n g
b ri de groo m .

Whe re a p rese nt i s sent fro m a m an and h i s

w ife thei r j o i nt c ard shou ld accom p any i t S u ch
, .

gifts as are i ntended fo r the b ri d egro o m s hou ld ,

2 27
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

of co u rse b e s ent to h i s h o m e A belated p rese nt

, .

i s n ot u nwelco m e b u t s ho u ld not b e se nt witho u t

,

a b rie f note o f apology and explan ati o n .

A wi do w bri de sp are s he r fri e nd s the o bli ga

-

ti o n fo r any bu t the m ost s po ntaneou s exp ress i o ns

o f go o d wi ll an d co m mo nly o nly the two fam i l i es
,

i nte rested and i nti mate fri end s s end p rese nts .

The b ri de shou ld wri te p romptly a gracefu l n ote

o f thanks to each pe rso n who h as s en t h e r a
Th e
p re s e nt whethe , r she knows the m o r
b r id e s not
’
. The wo rd i ng sho u ld be e n t h u
t h an k e fo r s ias tic and the n ote sho u ld refe r to the
,

h e r g’m‘
gi ft i n so me way that the give r m ay
,

feel that it i s a pe rson al o ne and n ot a d u p l i cate

of m any othe rs .

S o me menti o n of the groo m s n am e associ ati n g ’

,

hi m with he r pleasu re is i n goo d taste , .

Th e gi fts are d azzli ng and deli ghtfu l at fi rst ,

b u t the array O ften beco m es bewi lde ri ng an d ,

m e mo ry pl ays th e u ngrate fu l trick o f so meti m es

seve ri n g gi ft and giver I t i s wise to e nte r i n a
.

blank b ook the n ames o f all wh o have sent p res

ents and O p posite to each to paste a n u mber an d
,

attach its d upl i cate to th e gift i tself i n s o m e in

con spicu ou s pl ace These bo oks with n u mbers
.

are p u bli shed .

The fash i on o f se nd i n g wed d i n g gifts wa s begu n

’

D i s p l ayi n g i n th i s co u ntry by N ew Yo rk s D utch

th e p rogenito rs by givi n g th e you n g co uple
,

Pre s e n t s th ei r ho u seh old o u tfit and a s u m of

mo ney with whi ch to begi n thei r ho u sekeepi n g .

228
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

th ree m o nths b u t i f i t i s tri m med with o range

,

bl o ss o m s they m u st b e rep lace d by white roses

o r othe r fl owers Wo rth and Paq u i n always p u t
.

a p aru re of wh ite roses i n t h e bo x with a wedd in g

’
fro ck The b ri d e s t ravel l i n g costu m e sh o u ld b e
.

qu i et and in consp i cu o u s that he r n ew co nd iti o n

,

m ay not be ad ve rti se d to every stran ge r H o u se .

ho ld li ne n i n m ode rate q uantity i s o ften i ncl u de d

i n the tro u sseau .

I n th e wo rds of a yo u ng negro who annou n ce d

h i s app roach i n g n u pti als with great p ri d e De ,
“

’
Th e we ddi n am at d e ch u rch b u t de n ou r ,

w e ddi n g is h m e n ts dey takes place at de h o m e

,

fe a s ‘ o b d e b ri de .

The wedd in g feast i s generally entru ste d to a

c ate re r u nless the repast i s a ve ry m ode s t one
, .

H e wi l l s u pp ly eve rythi ng i f d esi red —s ilve r , , ,

chi na li nen cand elab ra fl owe rs waiters c o ok

, , , , ,

and assistant s awni ng carp et and m e n to o pen

, , ,

c arri age and ho u s e d oo rs o r h e will fu rnis h o nly

,

wh at i s wanted A s th e o rd e rs m u st b e give n
.

b efo re the wed d in g day we m ay app rop ri ately ,

c onside r th e su bj ect here .

A n afterno o n wedd i ng i s followed by a re

c e p t io n at wh ich the gu ests are se rved as at any
,

afte rnoo n reception fro m a l arge table i n the

d i n i ng ro o m d ecorated el abo rately with fl owers
-

l i ghts and d ainty edibl es temptingly dis played

, .

The me n u varies acco rd in g to th e n u mb e r o f the

gu ests and the m eans o f the host The u su al .

o rde r i ncl udes bo u illo n hot oysters c roqu ettes

, , ,

2 30
 W EDD ING P RE P ARATI O NS

s al ads sandwiches i ces c ake bo nb on s le monade

, , , , , ,

p u nch co ffee ; b u t th is c an b e i n defini tely ex

,

te nd ed wi th bi rd s an d othe r gam e te rrap i n wi nes , , ,

etc o r c u rtai led to m eet the necessary l i m itati ons

. , .

A glass O f sh erry and a b it o f cake have alo ne

bee n O ffe red at m any a wedd ing .

The o n e featu re of a we dd ing rep a s t whic h i s

i n d isp en sable i s the trad iti o n al wedd in g c ake It .

i s now packed i n s m al l wh ite b oxes Th e

ti ed u p with white ri bb on s and fu rthe r w e ddi n g
c ak e
d eco rated with the i nterl ac ed i niti als
o f b ri de a nd b ri degro o m These a re h eaped h igh
.

u po n a tabl e i n the h all way fro m whi ch th e -

gu ests h el p the mselves as they leave the h o u se

afte r th e recepti on o r a servant h and s a box to
,

e ach .

A goodly s li ce i s O fte n pu t away i n a ti n b ox

s eal ed fo r the b rid al cou ple to op e n o n so m e
,

futu r e an n ive rsary wh en it will b e fo u nd al most

as fresh as o n the wedd i ng d ay .

A b reakfa s t i s th e form of festivi ty chosen ,

e ithe r whe n the wedd i ng guests rep resent bu t a

few relati ves and ne ar fri end s o r whe n Th e
th e b ri d e s p arents h ave s u fficient wealth w e dd i n g
'

to enable th em to entertai n m any gu ests b re a kf a s t

at a tim e with taste and ele ganc e I t O f c o u rse .

fol lows a no on wed di n g .

The fi rst i s a s i mpl e frie nd ly l ittl e fe ast to

,

whi c h th e givers m ay be l aws u nto them selves .

It m ay c o ns ist o f raw oysters and bou i llo n o r hot

oysters sandwiche s and s alad i ces c akes and
, , , ,

23 1
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

co ffee w ith so m e p u nch i n wh i ch to pled ge th e

,

bri d e a nd b ri degro o m .

The fash i o n able wedd i ng breakfast i s serve d i n

co u rses at m any s m all tables b y a co r p s o f m en
servants a n acc o mp l ish ed cate re r su p plyi n g the
,

d ai ntiest o f rep asts E ach table has its ce ntre

.

pi ec e o f fl owers an d c o mpl ete s e rvi ce In the .

centre o r at on e en d o f th e roo m a table large r

th an th e rest deco rated p ro fu sely with o nly wh i te
,

fl owe rs i s reserved fo r the b ri d al p arty

, .

Th e u su al m en u co nsists o f fru it raw oyste r s , ,

bo u i llo n fish o r lobste r i n so m e fancy form an

, ,

entrée b i rds an d salad i ces cakes bo nbon s an d

, , , ,

co ffee The a m o u nt an d vari ety o f th e wi n es

.

d ep en d u po n c i rc u mstances b ut O fte n cham ,

pagne alon e i s se rv ed E ve n at ve ry m odest

.

wed d i ng feasts e no u gh ch am pagne o r she rry i n

wh i c h to to ast the newly m arried c o u pl e i s co m
m o n l y expected .

The d rawi ng ro om s are m ad e gay with p al ms

-

and fl owe rs the fo rmer co m m only h i red fo r th e

,

D e e e re _
occasi on If taste fu
. lly d isposed fl owe r ,

t io n s o ft h e i n g plants are m o re e f fective th an o u t

r o o m s an d
flowers and far l ess costly .

Ch u m ”
The pl ace wh ere the brid al p ai r are
to stand is i ndi cated by fl owers and plants i n
greate r p ro fu si o n than elsewhere o r is alon e i n
bei n g so d eco rated .

I f th e c e re mony take place at ho m e a space i s ,

so meti m es encl osed to rep resent a m ini atu re

chapel with ch ancel rai l m ad e O f foli age with gate
23 2
ETIQUETTE F O -R ALL O CCA S I O N S

expend ed will m ake a ve ry p re tty sh owi ng i n a ‘

s m al l ch u rch and a th ou sand can eas ily b e spent

,

i n deco ratin g a large o n e fo r the little te n m i n ute

“
-

”
s ervi ce o f b rief wo rds and e n d less c o nse que n ces .

A t a ho me we dd i n g o r at th e c h u rch c u sh i o ns ,

fo r the b ri de and gro o m to kneel u p on m u st not

be forgotte n They are O fte n c ove re d with whi te
.

sati n fu rthe r e ncased i n s he erest l awn u po n wh i ch

,

the i niti als are worked As these covers are wash

.

abl e the pi l lows are fo u n d u sefu l afterwards

, .

M u si c i s u su al ly fu rn ished th e o rch estra

,

sc ree ne d by plant s .

A rehear s al o f the c e re m on i al i s h el d s ho rtly

b efo re the d ay appo i nted fo r th e wed d i ng whe n ,

Th e eve ry d etai l o f the p rocessi o n and

w e ddi n g gro u p i n g o f the b ridal p arty i n the
r e h e ar s al
c hancel i s c o ns i d e red I f i t i s to b e a
.

ch u rch wed di ng th e o rgan ist shou ld b e p resent

, .

The sexto n e xpects n o gratu ity fo r O pen i ng the

ch u rch It i s i ncl u ded i n the weddi n g fee wh ich
.
,

i s u s u ally ten twe nty fi ve o r fifty d ollars S o m e

,
-
, .

ti m es it is felt that m o re th an o ne rehears al wi ll

be necessary and th e ti m e chosen i s that wh i ch
,

best s u i ts th e co nveni en c e O f the b rid al p arty .

A l ittl e l u nch eon d i nner o r s u pp er u s ually follows

, ,

the m eeti ng at the h o m e o f the bri d e .

S u gge s
I t m ay n ot be su perfl u ou s to su ggest
t io n s t o that the brid egro o m sho w gene rou s co n
b id e a n d si d erati o n i n n ot exacti ng too m u ch O f
f
b n d eg o o m
r
the s oc iety an d atte nti o n of h is fi an c é e
d u ri n g the b u sy d ays p recedi n g th e wed d ing ,

234
 W EDDING P REP ARATI O NS

whe n the re are many de mands u p o n he r ti me and

stre ngth I f she is n ot b u sy s o m e o ne i s bein g
.
,

i mposed u p o n ; and m oth ers have s pec i al clai ms .

I t u se d to b e that fro m the ti m e th at the wed

d in g i nvi tatio n s we re issu ed the bri de elect with
d rew herself fro m p ubl i c gaz e The c u sto m was
.

the s u rvival O f a fo rm fro m whi ch the sp i rit h ad

fl ed and s o b ec am e O bsolete b u t i t had its o ri gi n
,

i n the co m m en d abl e u sage o f a b ri de withd raw

i n g he rsel f fro m th e po mps and van iti es to give
he rsel f to p raye r an d m ed itati on i n vi ew o f the
,

i mp o rtant step th at she was abo u t to take .

Th e n eed now is not less u rgent and o n e m ay ,

c o u nsel that th e b rid e en de avo r to h ave he r trou s

s eau ready i n good ti m e and that th e last d ays
,

befo re th e wed di n g b e free fro m e xci tem ent ,

’
d ressm aker s appoi ntm ents , and thou ghts of
c lothes that sh e m ay h ave a l ittl e ti m e to con
,

sec rate to th e fami ly that loves an d is abou t to

lose he r and to th e G o d in wh o m sh e t ru st s to
,

bless and gu id e he r i n th e n ew l i fe u po n wh i c h
she i s abou t to ente r.

235
C fi ap t e r F zfz e e n t fi —
'

HE
‘
T D AY

O F T HE WE D D I N G

H E R E i s a ten der feel in g at the he a rt

o f h um an i ty fo r a you n g gi rl staki n g
’
he r li fe s h ap pi ne ss at th e m arri age
altar and i f all th e wo rld loves a
,

”
lover every wom an loves a w edd i n g
, .

I n al l ages amo n g all p eoples a m arri age h as

, ,

bee n th e occ asio n o f rej o ic ings b u t am on g A n gl o

,

S axo ns the re i s added a senti m ental and ro m anti c

i nterest fo r th e cere m o ny i s always s u pp osed to
,

u nite a p ai r o f l overs .

A s the great event O f two lives it i s n atu r a lly,

desi re d th at th e wed di n g b e s o con d u cte d as to

b e always re called with gratificatio n an d gi ve
pl easu re to al l co nce rned .

When th e ce rem ony i s to take place at a ch u rch ,

pal m s are m assed abo u t the ch ancel an d fl owers

are o n th e alta r O ccas i on al ly there are fl o w e r
.

i n g pl ants a m o n g the greene ry and b u n ches O f ,

l i l i es o r oth er e ffecti ve fl owers are faste ned at the

e nds o f s om e o r al l Ofth e p ews O fthe m id dle aisle .

C ertai n o f th e u s h ers go early to th e chu rch ,

T h e u s h e r s o n the d ay o f the wed d in g to see th at ,

b e fo r e t h e all i s bei ng p rep are d as d i rected A l l .

“ t e rm “
the u s h ers sh o u ld be there half an h o u r
”
before the gu ests are expected B uttonho les
.
“

2 36
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

gives his arm to th e on e wh o app ears to be thei r

se n i o r aski ng thos e who c ame with h e r to follow
, ,

an d a fte r seati ng the m retu rns to fetch others , .

H e i n q u i r es wh ethe r the gu ests are frien d s o f the

b ri d e o r b ri d egroo m an d co nform s to c u sto m i n
,

seatin g the forme r o n the left o f the chu rch the ,

l atte r u po n the ri ght Th e res e rved p ews are ap

.

p orti on ed by the sam e rul e .

J u st befo re the entran ce o f th e b ri d al co rt ege

’
the b ri de s m other and her fam ily e nte r th e
chu rch a nd are escorte d by the u s hers to the
,

front pews A t a rec ent wed di n g the m othe r o f

.

the b rid e was given speci al p rom i nence p a s si n g ,

u p the aisle o n the arm of the head us her p re ,

ceded by two others .

M eanwh il e at the ho u s e o f th e bri de the re i s

m u ch j oyou s sti r and exci te ment I t i s do u btfu l .

A t th e i f the re i s a bri d e that does n ot ch eri sh

b r id e s eve ry h app y o m en and i n a s pi ri t of
’
,
.
“ u se
merri ment in n oc ent o f su pe rstiti on co n
, ,

fo rm to the ti m e ho nored rul es of bridal O bse rvanc e

-
.

”
A m on g O l d s u pe rstitio ns i t i s u nlu cky fo r a,
“

bri de to l ook at he rsel f i n th e glas s a fte r she i s

com pletely d resse d ; so the b rid e o f to d ay fo r - “

”
fu n p u ts o n a glove o r othe r trifle o f atti re afte r
the last lo ok h as bee n taken i n the m i rro r U po n .

th e arrival o f h e r b ri d esm aid s she gives to each

“
fo r l u ck a garte r wh ich sh e herself h as worn .

Before the m o me nt fo r d epartu re she i s left e n ,

t ire l y alone fo r a b ri ef whil e d u ri ng which ti me ,

bl essing not l uck i s i nvoked

, , .

23 8
 THE D A Y O F THE W EDDING

A b rid e sh o u ld e nd eavo r to b e at the ch u rc h

d o o r exactly at t h e ho u r n am ed fo r the cerem ony
i n the i nvitati ons and sho u ld requ est he r atten d
,

ants t o mee t h e r at he r ho u se well i n advance o f

that ti m e . S he the re p resents to e ach o ne a
bou q u et i n b eh alf o f the b ri degro o m u nless i t i s ,

p referred to h ave them sent by the fl o rist to the

h o u ses of th e yo u n g wo me n .

’
The b rid e s m other e nters her ca rri age when
eve rythi n g has been atten ded to and is d rive n , ,

w ith those O f h er chi ld ren who are n ot o f the

b ri d al party to t h e c hu rch C arri ages are p ro
, .

v id e d for the b ri desm aid s — e ithe r two o r th re e

‘

b ein g acc o m m od ated i n th e s am e c o nveyance .

These lead the p rocessi on the c arri age o f the ,

b ri d e an d h e r fathe r b ri nging u p th e rear O c .

c as io n al l y th e b ridal c oaches are di sti n gu ish ed by

h avi n g wedd i ng favo rs o f whi te fl owe rs o n the

’
h ead stalls of the ho rses an d i n th e servants coats
-
.

While awaiti ng the b ri dal p arty at the chu rch ,

the o rgani st pl ays favorite selecti ons often chosen by ,

the b ride and bridegroom A bu rst o f .

Th e m u s i c
tri u mph ant m u si c warn s the audi en ce
’
o f the b ri de s arrival and all heads tu rn to see he r
, ,

as the fam i li ar strai n s o f a Weddi ng M arch are

rec ogn ized .

The c ustom o f playi ng a soft accomp ani ment to

th e voices d u r i ng the plighti ng O f the troth i s n ow
regarded as theatrical .

The o rgan peal s fo rth anothe r j oyou s wed di n g

m arch as the reli gi ou s ceremony concluded the
, , ,

23 9
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL ‘
O CCAS ION S

bri dal p rocessi o n retu rn s d own the ai sl e O th e r .

s electi ons are then p layed u nti l the l ast guest has
left the ch u rch .

When the fi rst c arri age reaches the c hu rch the ,

h ead u sh er orde r s the closi n g o f the i nne r vestib u l e

Th e doo r and c ertai n O f the other u she r s
,

c e r e m o n y take thei r stan d at the si d e doors to

“ th e
p revent the e n trance o f any one O n e .

c h u rc h
O f them i n
p as s m g u n fa s ten s th e bar
, ,

o f whi te ri bbon The bridesm ai ds are the fi rst

.

to arri ve an d stand with the u sh e r s i n the vestib ule

,

to welco me the bri de U pon her app earance the

.

d oors i nto th e street are clo s ed behi nd he r ,

and the p rocessi on forms .

M eanti m e the bri degroom an d hi s best m an

have arrived i n a carri age by themselves and h ave ,

e nte red the chu r ch bui ldi ng by the vestry doo r .

’
N otificati on i s se nt to the former of the b ri d e s
arrival Whe n the brid al p rocession i s ready the
.
,

d oo r s are th rown wi de op en whi ch i s th e signal ,

for the o rgani st to s ou nd forth the wedd i ng m arch .

E ve ry on e ri se s The cle rgym an then ap pe ars

.

an d takes hi s place an d the b ri degroom followed

, ,

by hi s best m an em erges from th e vestry an d stand s

,

’
at the clergym an s le ft hi s head tu rned to face the
,

ad vanci n g p rocessi on an d hi s best m an j u st behi nd

,

hi m.

The u sh e r s walking t w o by two steppi ng i n tim e

, ,

wi th the stately march m u sic com e fir s t The ,

.

b ri desm aids follow i n the s ame order each c o uple ,

leavi ng five o r s ixfe et of sp ac e between them .

2 40
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L O CCA S IONS

H e m i ght h oweve r take a more m aste rful posi

, ,

ti on whi c h i s hi s ri ghtfu l on e an d gai n con fi den ce

, ,

th ereby . The b ri d e i s bro ught u nto h i m i n rai

m ent o f n eedlework The m ai dens that be her .

”
fellows be ar her c o mpany Thi nki ng o f her he .
,

m ay forget hi msel f .

’
Th e b ri de leaves her father s arm to take the
’
bri d egroom s hand and the n accepti ng hi s le ft
, ,

arm they take thei r p laces befo re the cle rgy m an

, .

’
Both kneel for a mo me nt The bri d e s father .

step s b ack a few feet and the m arri age s e rvi c e i s

,

read by the o ffici ati ng cle rgyman .

The E ngli sh fashi on i s t o have the be trothal at

the foot o f the chancel steps F or the rest o f the .

ceremony the bri de and b ridegroom go u p alone

and stan d be fo re the altar .

I n the e ffo rt after novelty s ometi m es the ei ght

brid esm ai d s walk up th e si d e aisles o n e by o n e .

fo u r i n each an d j oi ni ng at the chanc el steps go

, ,

i n p ai rs to m eet the bri d e hal f way down the m id ,

-

dle aisl e . There the couples divi de standi n g ,

o n ei the r si de whi le the b ri d e and he r fathe r p ass

bet w een them The bri d esm aids form agai n an d
.

follow them The ushe rs p reced e the bri d esm ai ds

.

u p th e si d e ai sles but stop at the chancel steps

, ,

j oi ni n g the processi on only afte r it has p assed

b et w ee n the m .

A t the wo rd s Who giveth this wom an to be

“

m arried to this man ? the father o f th e b ri d e

advances an d pl aces her right hand i n that of the
cle rgym an who i n tu rn gives i t i nto the ri ght hand
, , ,

2 42
 THE D A Y O F THE W EDDING

Of the bri degro om —the chu rch th u s s anction i ng

,

the gi ft —whereupon the father takes his seat i n

,

th e p ew rese rv ed for his fami ly The wid owed .

m oth er o f the b ri de so m eti m es gi ves he r away .

S he m ay d o thi s i f she ple ase by m erely ri sin g

, ,

from her seat and bowi ng to si gni fy he r consent

, .

A t a r ecent weddi ng o f a ce rtai n soci al p rom i,

’
n e n c e the b ri d e kept her father s arm an d di d n ot
,

leave h is s id e u nti l the mo ment whe n the p romi ses ,

m ade he gave he r away an d takin g he r han d from

, ,

hi s arm the fathe r pl ac ed i t i n th at o f the bri de

,

gro om Th e actio n had a si gni fican ce that ap

.

p eal ed stro ngly to all th e parents p resent .

A t the ti m e o f the pli ghtin g o f the troth an d the

givi ng o f the ri n g the clergym an tells the b ri de
,

an d groo m to j oi n h ands and the brid e gives her ,

gl ove and bo u qu et to h e r m ai d o f honor who ,

advan ces to take them The best m an takes the .

r i ng fro m hi s wai stc oat p ocket and gives i t to the ,

bri degroom who p asses i t to the b ri de and she

, ,

hand s it to the clergym an wh o gives i t to the ,

b ri degroo m who places it u p on the fou rth finger

,

’
o f the b ri de s l eft h and Thi s c ompletes the ci r .

cle typi cal as i s the ri ng itsel f of the p erpetuity ,

of the compact I nsi de the ri ng — always a plai n

, ,

gol d one — are e ngraved the i ni ti als O f bri d e and

bri degroom and the date o f the m arri age It i s .

placed on the fou rth fi nger o f the le ft hand b e

c au se O f the fanci ful concei t that from that finger
a ne rve goes strai ght to the heart When the .

ri ng w as placed and th e word s fo llowed With al l ,

243
 ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IO NS

my wo rldly goods I thee e ndow i t was the c us ,

.
to m i n F ranc e as late as 1 6 00 to p u t som e p i eces
, ,

o f mon ey i nto the h and of the bri d e whi c h were ,

reli gi ou sly kept fo r good l uck .

S ome s ay that th e wo rd O bey i n the m arri age

se rvi ce i s an anachro ni sm an d hold s only those
,

who choose to b e b ou n d b ut A m eri can w omen

,

d o not o ften feel thei r chai n s In som e p rovi nces .

’
o f R u ssi a the b rid e s fathe r gives he r a little c u t
with a whi p whi ch i nstru ment o f correcti o n h e
,

then p rese nts to the b ri de groo m fo r futu re emer

g e n c i
.es The p retty symbolism m u st app eal to
the b ri de ! The kiss formerly gi ven by the
,

yo u n g h usban d to hi s bri de afte r the wo rd s ,

”
I p ronou nc e you m an and wi fe !fo r wh i ch so
many rehearsals were n e cessary ) has gon e o u t o f
fashi on.

A t th e con cl u si o n o f the c e remony the cle rgy

m an c ongratu lates the n ewly wedde d p ai r and the ,

brid e takes the ri ght arm o f her h usban d They .

then walk d own the aisle th e m aid o f hon o r h avi ng

,

’
p arted or rem oved the vei l coveri ng the bri d e s
face and t u rn ed h er trai n that i t may han g p rop
,

e rly so th at th e you n g wi fe n e ed take n o thou ght

,

”
for he r m i lli nery b u t o nly o f the gre at and s ol
,

e m n fact j ust accomplish ed .

The bri d al p arty follows i n the revers e o rde r i n

whi ch it went u p the ai sle the ushers bri ngi ng u p
,

the rear M ore than once I have seen the bri d e

.

on her way do wn the ai sl e stop to ki ss he r m other ,

who tearfu l b ut chee r ful h ad c aught h er eye

, , .

244
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S ION S

she l eft the chu rch I t was i nde sc rib ably s u gges
.

tive o f li ght hearts an d bri ght hopes .

I f a m arri age takes plac e i n the afte rn o o n i t i s ,

generally foll owed by a rec epti o n ; i f i n the mo rn ~

Th e i ng the gu ests are b i dd en to a wed d i ng

,

w e ddi n g b reakfast The rec epti o n i s the m o re

.

r e c e p t im ’
c u sto m ary p erm itti n g as i t d o es the
, , ,

entertain ment o f m any m o re p erson s I t i s c on .

d u cted as an o rd i nary afte rnoon recep ti o n .

’
U p o n a rrivi ng at the b ride s ho me afte r the
m arri age c e rem ony he r fam ily an d that o f her
,

hu sband as well as the b ri dal attendants exp res s

, ,

thei r fo nd a nd e arnest c on gratu lati ons after whi ch ,

they al l s i gn thei r n am es i n a registe r afte r the

si gnatu res o f th e newly m arri ed pai r Th e b est .

m an attend s to the m atter b efore the gene ral

arrival o f gu ests T he b ook bo u nd i n wh ite with
.
,

the arm s o r i niti als o f b ri de and gro o m i s often ,

placed where al l the weddi ng gu ests m ay ad d

thei r n am es and beco mes a valu ed so u ven i r o f the
,

o ccasion .

The b ride an d bri d egro o m stan d togethe r at th e

h ead o f the roo m to rece ive the c ongratu l ati o ns O f
thei r friends The b ri d es m aid s d ivi de —hal f thei r
.
,

’
n u m ber ran gi ng the mselves at the b ri d e s righ t
h an d and th e rest at the l eft o f the b r idegroo m ,

with the parents O fthe yo u ng c ou p le stand in g n ear .

’
The b ri de s m other i s the tru e hostess and all ,

sho u ld speak to h e r Th e p arents of the gro o m

. ,

’
a re the gu ests o f hono r o f the b ri d e s fam i ly and ,

shou ld be pres ented to the i r fri end s A fte r a h al f

.

2 46
 THE D A Y O F THE W EDDING

ho u r al l m ay m ove ab ou t the ro o m b u t t h e b ri dal ,

pai r who keep th ei r pl aces Th e u sh ers are the

,
.

accred ited m asters o f ce re m on ies an d O ffer thei r ,

se rvic e s to p resent all strange rs to the b ri de and

groo m th ou gh any gu est m ay j oi n the l i ne that
,

p re s ses fo rward i n o rd er to wis h the m happ i ness .

The b ri de exte nds her hand wi th co rd i al gra

c io u s n e s s an d p re s ents he r p erso nal fri e nds to her
,

hu sb and i f they are u nkn own to h im The in

,
.

d iscri m i nate kissi ng to whi ch bri des u sed to be

s u bj ected has dese rvedly gon e o ut o f fashi on .

M u si c i s ge nerally fu rn ished by a screened

o rchestra an d the guests are served fro m a h and
,

s o m e l y de co rated and well su pp li ed table as at the -

,

us u al afternoo n recepti o n C hamp agn e i s always .

s erved A fter giving an h o u r o r s o to thei r guests

.

t h e b ri de and b ri degro o m m ay go to the d in i ng

r oom and are o f co u rse se rved by m any will ing
, , ,

hands The best m an p roposes thei r h ealth and

.
,

all p rese nt stand wi n e gla ss i n hand and pled ge

,
-
,

the m to long li fe and happi ne ss after wh ich th ey ,

reti re to d ress fo r thei r j ou rney the b ri de assisted ,

by he r m aid of ho no r and fi rst b ri de s m aid o r by

all he r m ai dens i f she p lease , .

A s th e gu ests l eave the ho u se they fi nd i n the ,

h all way m any s mal l whi te b oxes pi led high u po n

-

a table eac h O f wh ich co ntai ns a sli ce o f weddin g

,

c ake E ach perso n is entitled to take o ne of these

.

boxes th o u gh o rdi nari ly a mai d o r m an se rvant

,

i s stati o ned near by to di stribu te the c ake to the

dep artin g guests .

2 47
E TI QUE TTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

The co mp any gene rally takes le ave b efo re the

Th e
b ri de goes to the d i ni ng ro o m -
.

d e p art u r e Th e bri d egro o m havi n g c han ged hi s

,

o f b r id e clothes fo r a trave l l in g s u it o f tweed s ,

.

i
b r id z i
g awaits the b ri d e at the foot O f th e s tai r
oo m
c ase and the b ridesmaids relati ves an d
, , ,

frien ds c rowd the hall .

A s the b ri de app ears all acclai m he r S he ho ld s

, .

aloft he r b ri dal bo u qu et and the b ri desm ai d s p ress

,

fo rward with hands o u tstretched to c atch i t as it falls .

Th e s u ccessfu l o ne wi ll be t h e n ext b ri d e so the

legen d ru ns The O pe ni ng o f th e d oo r to p erm it
.

t h e d epartu re o f the yo u n g cou ple h as hereto fo re

been the s i gnal fo r a ge ne ral peltin g wi th rice ,

a C h i nese c u sto m co nveyi ng wishes fo r he alth an d

,

p rosperi ty B u t thi s c u sto m has bee n so abu sed

.

wi th vul gari ty O fte n p ro d uc i ng i nj u ri o u s r es u lts

, ,

th at it i s bei ng d iscarded at th e wed d ings of c are

fu l people and showe ri n g th e bri d e wi th loose
,

fl o wers as at a carn ival has b een i nstitu ted The

, ,
.

rooms are gen erally s o d ec orated that the re i s n o

’
l ack o f the whe rewithal and the bride s fam i ly a re
,

u su ally gl ad to thu s dispo se of the fl owers whic h ,

when l eft behi n d h ave a s u ggesti o n O f s adness i n

th e re mi nd e r that she fo r who m they blo o med i s
n o l onge r there to enj oy them To obvi ate the .

d isco m fo rt c au sed by the ri ce o ne m ai d O f h o no r

,

p rovi ded a l arge vei l O fwhite n et whi ch she de ftly ,

th rew ove r the b ri d e as the ri ce th rowi n g began -

to b e left afterward i n the carri age Th i s .

vehicle i s probably d eco rate d by s om e fun l ovi n g -

248
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

taketh a new wi fe h e shall not go o u t i n th e ho s t

, ,

ne ithe r sh all h e b e ch arged with any b u s i ness ; h e

sh al l b e free at h o m e o n e year a nd s hall chee r h i s,

wi fe wh ich h e hath taken .

A fte r a n oon wed d i n g a wed d i ng b reakfast i s

the app rop ri ate e ntertai nm ent Wh en the re are .

Th e few gu ests i t i s se rved at o ne tabl e

, ,

w e ddi n g the b ri de and b ri degroo m sitti n g at its

b re a k fa s t head the b ri d e s m othe r at its foot’
, ,

’
with the groo m s fath e r and the c le rgym an wh o
h a s p erfo r med the c ere m ony at he r right an d l eft
h and C ards i ndi c ate the placi n g o f th e g u ests
. .

The m eal i s o f cou rs e served i n co u r s e s and m ay ,

b e s i m pl e o r el ab o rate .

F o r t h e acco m modati o n o f m any gu ests th e

b re akfast i s se rved at s m al l table s a n d a s ep arate ,

one with m any wh ite flowe rs i s re s erv e d fo r th e

b rid al party .

Th e c o m pany afte r th e c on gratulati on s co nve rse

to gethe r a few m o ments i n th e d rawi ng ro o m u nti l -

th e b reakfast i s ann o u nc e d .

The b ri de and b ri de groo m l ead the way i nto

’
the d i ni n g roo m followed by the b rid e s fathe r
-
,

with the groo m s m oth e r The o ffi ci ati ng cl ergy

’
.

m an waits b eh i nd with th e m other o f the b ri d e .

,

who as the real h ostess o f the occasi o n goes i n

l ast I f m o re th an o n e clergym an h as p erfo rme d
.

the ce re m o ny the eld est o r th e h i gh est i n rank is

,

’
asked to b e th e esco rt of the b rid e s m othe r Th e .

’
b ri d egro o m s fathe r takes i n so m e m e mbe r o f the
’
bri de s fam ily ; the best m an an d mai d o f ho no r ,

250
 THE D A Y O F THE W ED DING

th e u she rs and bri de s maids pai r o ff and the re s t ,

follow .

The bri d e and bri degroo m sit s i d e by sid e at

th e table reserved fo r the weddi ng p arty at whic h ,

so meti m es are seated th e fam il i es o f th e b ri d e and

b ri d egro o m an d the clergym an — o r these h ave a
sep arate tabl e Places are n ot assi gn ed to th e
.

gu ests no r d o th ey proceed to the d i ni ng ro o m

,
-

arm i n arm They se at them selve s w here t h ey

.

please frie nds seeking eac h other M u si c ad d s

, .

its n ote o f gayety .

The health O f the yo u ng co u ple i s u su ally p ro

posed by the best m an o r by the father o f the
bri degroo m S p eeches are only i n o rde r at a
.

s m al l wedd in g b reakfast U nl ess there are those

.

who ca n sp eak h app ily and briefly i t i s far bette r ,

to o m it them .

A t the close o f the repast a wed d i ng cake finely

o rn am ented is so meti mes placed before th e b rid e ,

wh o c uts a sl ice afte r whic h the c ake is passed to

,

the rest .

A p ro m i nent d ivi ne h as l ately censu red th e

frivolity extravaganc e and excitement that o ften
, ,

see m th e only p reparatio n for th e sol

e m u se rvi ce at a fash i on able chu rch
weddin g — th e d is pl ay o f clothes the
, ,

careless c u ri os ity o f i rreverent spectators wh ic h

exposes to conspi cu ou s p u bl icity at a ti m e when a
man and wom an have a ri ght to p rivacy and peace .

Mo desty and si m plicity o ften find fittin g exp res

si o n at an i nfo rm al hou se wedd in g whi ch m ay b e
-
,

25 1
 ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

an i d eal a nd b e au ti fu l c ere mo ny I n the s p ri ng .

o r s u m m e r i n the c o u ntry the recepti o n m ay b e

,

m ad e a ch arm i n g l awn p arty I n th e ci ty th e

-
.

h o u se i s ge ne rally m ad e b ri ght with fl owers Th e .

m other a nd sisters O f th e b ri d e rec ei ve the gu ests .

The fathe r appears o n ly when h e e nte rs the d raw

in g ro o m with h is d au ghter A roo m i s pl ac ed at
L
f
-
.

t h e d i sp osal of th e b ri degro om b est m an and , ,

clergym an u po n the i r arrival whe re th e l atte r

, ,

m ay ass u m e h is O ffi ci al robes .

A s the ho u r s trikes the clergy m an takes h i s

,

place faci n g the co mp any followed by the b ri de

,

groo m and h is b est m an wh o stand at his left ,

awaiti ng th e b ri de Two u shers m ark o ff an aisle

.

with b ro ad white ribb on to the e nds o f wh i ch

,

fl owe rs m ay b e attached th at by thei r wei ght ,

will hol d i t i n pl ace T h ey then retu rn to p reced e

.

th e rest o f the b ri dal p a rty wh o enter at th e far ,

t h e s t co rne r o f th e roo m The bri des m ai d o r

.

b ri d esm aids fol low th e u sh ers an d the b ri de ,

co mes last with h er fathe r O r the u sh e rs m ay .

,

p reced e th e b est m an and th e on e brid es maid

,

a nd th e brid e and bri d egro o m follow .

A t a ho u se wed di n g there are O ften n o attend

-

ants fo r th e b ri de an d th ere i s rare l y any m u si c

, .

A t the c o ncl u s i o n of th e se rvic e th e clergyman

congratu lates the b ri de an d b ri degro om and re
tires They then take hi s place and t u rn to b e
.
,

greete d fi rst by thei r p are nts next by the m em bers

, ,

of the two fam il ies and n ear relatives afte rward ,

by eve ry one p resent A ll wish them h appi ness

. .

252
E TI Q U E T T E F O R A L L O CCAS ION S

ri ed wo m an O ccasi o nally at a l arge wedd in g a

.

m ai d o r m atro n O f ho no r attends the b ri d e S he .

re m oves h e r fo rm er weddi ng ri n g S h e m ay n o .

m ore wear b oth ri ng s th an sh e wo u ld bear both

n am es .

’
U n less the fam ily O fthe lady s fi rst hu sb and show
r esentm ent at he r seco n d m arri age its m ember s ,

sho ul d be given places o f hono r at the wedd i ng .

Th e o rigi n o f th e ap p o i ntment o f a best m an i s

n ot co mpl i m entary to either sex It was m ad e i n .

T h e d u t i e s o rd e r to see th at the b ri degro o m d i d

o ft h e n o t ru n a w ay either fro m stage fri ght
,

b e s t m an
o r e leventh ho u r repentance ! H e i s
-

the fam ili ar fri en d O f th e b ri degroo m o r hi s own

b rothe r and is pled ged by the positio n to s u ppo rt
, ,

s u pp le m ent and ai d h i m i n every way possi bl e

, ,

b e to h im a se co nd sel f A lthou gh t h e rd l e i s
.
'

u su ally filled by a bach elo r a marri ed fri en d ,

i s not d i squ ali fie d . H i s d u ties largely d ep en d

u po n the wishes o f th e gro o m H e m ay m ake
.

all th e arran gem ents fo r th e wed di n g j o u rney ,

b uyi n g th e tickets sec u ri n g th e places i n th e

,

d rawi ng roo m c a r o rde ri ng the exp ressm an etc

-
, , .
,

and sho u l d the re fore b e an exec u tive pe rso n wh o

leaves noth i ng to c hance and with the fu ll comple
,

m ent o f wi ts .

Th e best m an attend s th e b ri degroo m o n the

d ay o f the m arr i age u ntil h e sees th e trai n o r
,

steam e r c arry h i m O ff fo r th e h o neym oon H e .

sees that h i s cl oth es are i n o rde r su peri ntends ,

the packi ng of h is tru nk or d oes it himself and ,

2 54
 T HE D A Y O F THE W EDDING

i n su res h is p u n ctu ality at the c h u rch i n good ti me

fo r the servi ce whithe r h e d rives wi th hi m TO
, .

h i m i s entru sted the ri n g to be pro d u ced at the ,

right m o m en t and afte r the cerem ony he follows

,

th e cle rgym an i nto the vestry ro om and i n behalf -

o f the b ri degro o m gives hi m the fe e e nclosed i n

’
a n e nvelope H e takes the b rid egro o m s hat and
.

co at with h is o w n and h astens vi a a si d e aisl e

,

to b e at the ch u rch d oo r befo re the p rocessi o n

’
reaches i t i n o rd e r to signal the b ri d e s c arriage
, .

H is carri age i s u su ally the fi rst to a rrive at the

’
bri de s ho u se whe re h e does esco rt d u ty to th e
,

gu ests wh o wi sh p resentations to the yo u ng cou ple ,

an d after all i s over h e p uts the m arri age noti ces

,

i n the p apers and attends to any o th e r c om m issions

that hi s friend m ay d esi re .

’
H e shou l d call very soo n u po n the bride s
m othe r as s h ou l d all the ushers an d u p on the
, ,

b rid e as soo n as i t i s known th at she has re

tu rned fro m the wedd i ng tri p .

I n desc ri bi ng a wed din g i n its o rd erly sequ ence ,

th e p art pl ayed by the m ai d of hono r and the

b ri d es m aids h as bee n exp lai ned i n de T h e d u t i e s
tail le avi ng l ittl e to be sai d Thei r o f t h e
,
.

p ri nci pal d uty i s to second th e wi shes b r id e s m a i d s

O fthe b rid e i n all thi ng s They are h e r atten dants

.
.

E ach sho u ld m ake her a gi ft an d show her eve ry ,

’
attentio n I t i s thei r d uty to app rove the b ri d e s
.

choi ce of the colo r and styl e o f the gowns that

they are to wear eve n i f they th i nk them u nbeco m
,

in g They s ho u ld be p u nctu al at th e rehearsal and

.

25 5
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S ION S

’
at the bri d e s ho use to wh i ch th ey d rive o n the d ay
,

o f th e wedd i n g e ither i n thei r o w n carri age s o r

,

’
in th ose sent them by th e b ri de s fam i ly Th ey .

shou ld d o thei r b est to m ake everyth i ng that i n

any way d epe nds u p o n them a su c cess re gard ,

i ng the mselves m e rely as satel lites They s ho u ld .

’
cal l u p o n the b ri d e s m othe r sho rtly afte r the
’
wed di n g and u po n th e b ri de s retu rn each i n tu rn
,

shows he r so m e hosp itabl e attentio n .

I n e nte ri ng the c h u rc h ge ntl e m e n ac co m pa ny

,

i n g lad ies foll ow the m , the u she rs d oi n g al l the

Th e esco rt d uty that i s possible Wrap s .

w e ddin g a nd overco ats are remove d i n th e vesti

gu e s t s b u le an d ca rrie d on th e arm .

G u ests sh ou ld arrive well i n advanc e o f the ho u r

n amed fo r the cere mo ny and accept witho u t d e
,

m u r wh ateve r s eats are assi gned the m A l ate .

arrival sho u l d e nter by a si d e d oo r and take the

n earest p lac e u n obtru si vely .

Th e po si ti o n o f an i nvited gu est an d the s ac red

n ess o f th e plac e i nte rp ose restricti o ns th at o n ly
’
i ll b re d p erso ns can i gno re H elpin g o ne s self to
-
.

a m ore desi rabl e seat stand i n g u po n th e pew

,

stools i n o rde r to see to bette r advantage as ,

th o u gh a m arri age we re o nly an exh ibiti on ,

talki ng d u ri n g th e se rvi c e are fo rms o f ru deness

,

that b etray the vul gari an D u ri ng the p rayer and

.

the blessin g i nvoked u po n th e newly m ade m an

and wife pe rsons with consci en ces o r cou rtesy
,

j oi n th e m i n s pi rit and d o n ot take the O p p o r

,

t u n ity f o r a b ette r vi ew O f the bri dal fine ry .

2
56
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

the reci p ien ts o f atte nti o ns fro m fam i ly an d fri ends ,

b u t reci p rocal co u rtesi es are n ot exp ected It i s .

fro m the l argess e o f the heart th at all co nsp i re to

”
m ake the m h appy ,
“
h op i ng fo r nothi ng agai n .

The bri de howeve r co nfo rms to fash i o n i f sh e send

, ,

i nvitation s fo r ce rtai n recepti o n d ays to give h er

,

friends the opp o rtu nity o f seei n g he r S he wi l l

.

h ave fulfilled al l that eti qu ette d em an ds i f she b u t

give he r gu ests a s m ile and a c u p o f tea .

2 58
 Cé d p z e r S z x ee e n t b — A T
'
‘
T HE O P E RA
AN D TH E AT RE

E NTLE F O LK are recogniz able O f

ten whe n least c o nscio u s o fco n fo rm
i ng to any elevated stand ard o f so cial
ethics bu t c o u rtesy h as beco me ih
,

s t in c t ive
, al most au tom ati c S u ch
.

perso ns feel i t an O bli gati o n to arrive at a p lace of

p u bli c e nte rtai nment a few m om ents before the
hou r fo r the p erfo rm ance to begi n ,
A m vm g
th at th e i r pe rsons m ay not b lot o u t at t h e
the stage fro m the view o f others th e at re o r
wh ile th ey are taki n g thei r s eats an d O p e r a
,
h o u se
d rown the m u si c o r the vo i ces O f the
perfo rme rs by the ru stl e o f thei r garm ents or the
m u rm u red disc uss i o n ab o ut assi gni n g the places .

C onsi de ration fo r othe rs s u ggests that late co m -

e rs shou ld wait at th e rear o f the au d i tori u m u nti l

’
a n e ntr acte perm it the m to take thei r places with
o u t annoyanc e to those al ready there and th ose
,

occu pyi ng theatre boxes shou l d e nte r i n su c h a

m anner as to e xcite the least po ssibl e attenti on The .

occu p ants o f boxes at the O pera are s o m u ch less

co nspi cuo u s owi ng to the siz e O fthe ho u se t h at the
, ,

O bli gatio n O fa p ro m pt arrival i s less pe rem pto ry .

Whe n ente ri ng a theatre o r O p e ra ho use lad ies

-
,

a ss fi rst follow ed by the m an O f the arty who

p , p
259
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IO NS

has the ti ckets who afte r j o i ni ng the m takes the

, , ,

l ead sec u ri n g p rogra m m es an d givi n g the ticket

, ,

co u p o ns to an u she r .

S ho u ld the u s he r b e m i d w ay d o w n the ais le the ,

’
lad ies esco rt wo u ld p reced e them b ut i f the u she r ,

b e m et near the e ntrance that fu nctio nary wo u l d ,

lead the way to the seats and the m e n o f th e party,

wo u ld fol low i n th e rear .

A m an m ay check hi s h at an d coat befo re e nte r

i n g the au ditori u m o r c arry the m i n hi s han d to h i s
,

T h e ,“ re seat whe re h e wi l l d is p ose o f them whe re

,

an d o p e r a they will be n o i nco nve ni e nce to othe rs ;

e t i qu et t e
h i s hat m ay b e placed u nd e r th e seat ,

his c oat across his knees o r h u ng o n th e co rd hang

i n g at the back o f the se at d i rectly befo re hi m ,

whi ch p rovisi on i s m ad e at s o me theatres .

The wo m e n re move th ei r hats at o nce if they ,

h ave wo rn the m an d p lac e the m u p o n thei r

,

laps I f the rem oval o f thei r wraps O ffe r any d i th

.

c u lty i t sho uld be d on e i n th e vestibul e o f th e

,

theatre . Hats m ay be wo rn i n the boxes .

’
I n goi n g fro m the aisle to o ne s seat o n e faces
the stage and sh o u l d say a b rie f word O f apolo gy
,

whe n passi ng b efo re othe rs to re ach them esp e ,

’
c ial l y i f they ri se to faci litate o ne s p rogress .

I t i s wise to kee p th e cou p on s which t h e u she r

retu rns lest any mi su nd erstan di ng abo u t the seats
,

aris e l ater .

C o nversati o n i s o nly permissibl e d u ri ng th e ih

t e r m is s io n s a nd wh isperi ng i s n o less obj e cti o nabl e
,

than au d i bl e talki ng d u ri ng the perfo rm anc e .

260
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

extensi vely carried o n by the m en who se vi sits are ,

c o rd ially wel co med Wo me n oc c as ion ally leave

thei r boxes to have a fe w wo rds wi th a fri end A t .

thei r app earan ce i n the bo x o f fri e nd s all the m en ,

the re rise and re m ai n standi ng u nti l they seat

,

them selves o r take le ave .

V i siti ng i s howeve r gen erally co nfi ned to the

, ,

me n Thos e o ccu pyi ng p laces i n b oxes o r aisle

.

se ats are th e o n ly o nes p ri vi leged to avai l the m

s elves o f the c u sto m .

A kn ock at the bo x d oo r i s the p ro p e r an

-

n o u n c e m e n t by a visito r H e waits the g reeti n g

.

an d i nvitatio n O f h is h ostess before seati n g hi m

s elf stays a few m o ments an d leaves u p o n the ap
, ,

e aran c e O f another cal ler u n less u rge d to r e m ai n

p .

The risin g O f the c u rtai n i s the s ignal fo r all

visito rs to reti re .

I f th e c alle r i s a fri e nd O f a guest i n a b ox h e ,

i s p re s ented to th e hostess an d the h ost i f p res

, ,

ent , and m akes b u t a b rief s tay .

I f h e i s h i msel f a gu est h e sho ul d n ot absent

,

h i msel f fro m th e bo x o f h is hostess fo r m o re than

a very few m i nutes taki ng the opportu nity when
,

othe rs are c al l in g u po n h er .

L ad ies i n th e o rchestra stalls i f seated near the ,

ai s le m ay recei ve c alls b u t u nl ess thei r esco rts

, ,

I n th e
o ffe r thei r own seat s to the visito rs thei r ,

o r ch e s t ra stay shou ld be of th e briefest I f the .

’
an d lady s esco rt o ffer hi s s eat and i t i s ac
c’ m’ e
c e te d th at ge ntle m an m ay p rofit by
p ,

the o pp o r tu ni ty to p ay a cal l hi m s elf .

262
 AT THE O P ERA AND THEATRE

Th e lad ies i n the fro nt row O f the o rchestra

c i rcle are ve ry accessible b u t thei r c o nve rsatio n
,

h as a s o m ewhat co nsp ic u ou s pu bl i c ity as all ,

wh o a re seate d i n the neighb orh oo d m ay over

h ear what i s said .

A yo u n g gi rl shou ld p res ent he r c all ers to he r

ch apero n and al l wom en wo u ld natu rally show the
,

c o u rtesy o f a n i ntrodu cti o n to th ei r esc o rts and

vi s ito rs .

A theatre o r ope ra p a rty is always p re ceded by

a d i n ne r o r followed by a su ppe r given eit h er at ,

the ho u se o f the h ostess o r i n so me res T h e m re

t au ran t o f fa s h i o n able rep ute a n d o p e ra
.

P art i e s
A n e qu al nu mber O fme n an d wo me n
are i nvited a nd all m eet at the h ou se of the hos
,

tess o bse rvi ng most c are fu l p u nctu al ity S o me

, .

ti mes the hostess gives to each m an O f the party a

s mall e nvelop e co ntai ni ng a card i nscribed with
the na me o f the lady wi th who m he is to sit at the
pl ay and who i s gi ven i n a measu re i n hi s charge
, .

E ncl osed also are the ti ckets fo r th at l ady and

, ,

h i msel f the nu mbe rs o n the co u po ns h elpin g all

,

to fin d thei r seats withou t co nfu si on To eac h .

l ady is given a card with the n ame of th e gentle

m an who i s to b e he r p art ne r enclosed i n an
e nvel ope ; when en ro u te i n the om n ibu s they all ,

exa m i ne thei r c ards .

The yo u ng gi rls arrive i n charge o f th ei r m ai ds ,

who retu rn to fetch the m ho me i f the su pper i s ,

given at the h ous e .

I f the e ntertain m en t befo re th e play b e a d i nner

2 63
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

o r i f the su pper be give n at a restau rant th e ,

hostess co nveys the m to thei r own d o ors i n a

t h eatre carri age o r o m n ib u s at the cl ose O f th e fes
-

t iv ity . The m en u su ally m ake thei r ad ie u x j u s t ,

before th e l ad ies d rive o ff exp ressi n g thei r t h anks

,

and app reci atio n to the i r hostess of the hosp itality

enj oyed an d fi n d the i r way ho m e th e m sel ves O r
, .
,

t h e gi rls are take n h o m e fi rst and th e o m ni b u s ,

takes t h e m e n where th ey wi sh to go afte r havin g ,

l eft the hostess at h e r o wn d oo r It is n eed less to .

O bserve that wh ere a sec o nd m an se rvant i s not i n -

attend an c e o n the c arria ge o r o m n i bu s th e yo u n g ,

m an ne arest th e d oor m akes hi mself u se fu l i n ri ng

i n g th e d o o r bells an d s eei ng th e lad ies safely
-

with i n thei r ho m es I f a host be o f th e p arty to

.
,

hi m thi s c o u rte sy as o f right belongs I n c as e of .

rai n a m an se rva nt armed with a large u m b rella is

,
-

a great co nve n i e nce i f n ot a n ecessity

, .

T h e s u bj ect of the s u pp e r — se rved at the h o u se

o f the hostess ei th er si mp ly o r el ab o rately o n
, ,

small tab les e ac h d e co rated i n a d i fferent c ol o r

h as b ee n spoken o f i n a fo rm er c hapter I t m ay .

b e repe ated h oweve r that th e seati n g o f th e

, ,

g u ests at su ppe r sho u l d d i ffe r fro m th at O b se rved

at the theatre fo r the s ake o f vari ety A p arty fo r
, .

t h e o pe ra ra rely exceeds i n n u m be r m o re p ersons

t h an wi ll co m fo rtably fill o n e o r two boxes I t i s .

exce edi ngly bad fo rm to overc ro w d a bo x .

Theatre an d ope ra p arti es are th e favo rite fo rm

O f bac h elo r hosp ital ity N O m a n i s p rivi leged to
.

ask an u n marri e d wo m an to attend th e theatre o r

2 64
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

bach elo r apartme nts at h is clu b an nex o r at a res

, ,

t au ran t o f repu tatio n neve r i n a p ri vate ro om .

Th e table s ho u ld b e rese rved the su pp e r o rde red

, ,
’
an d the b i ll settled o r ch arge d to the host s ac
co u nt befo reh and A genero u s ti p to t h e he ad
.

waiter i s m oney wel l exp ended The m en u n ot .

i n frequ ently consist o f raw oysters b o u illo n an , ,

e ntrée b i rds hot o r c o ld acc o rd ing to th e seaso n

, , , ,

with salad i ces c akes and co ffee

, , , .

The ho s t lead s the way to the tabl e — there i s

n o fo rm al entry and pl aces the chai r fo r th e
ch apero n at his right o r O ppo s i te h i s own place .

A sm al l centrep i ece O ffl owe rs is arranged so as to

be d ivid ed between the lad i e s j u st b efo re leavi n g .

A fte r su ppe r the host acc o m panies th e l adi es

,

to the res i d en ce o f th e ch aperon whe re the i r ,

m aids c all fo r the m The oth er men u s u ally take

.

th ei r leave at the restau r ant .

2 66
C fi a p t e r S ev e n t e e fl t /z — M U S I C A L S ,

T H EATR I C A L S C A R D —P A R T I E S
,

HE two sec rets O f s u cc essful e nter

tai n ing are o ri gin a l ity and a geni u s
”
fo r m e rry m aki ng says a cleve r
-
,

write r and where these are l acki n g

, , ,

o ne m ay at all even ts choose the l ess

hackn eyed fo rm s of festivity wherewi th to begu i le
’
o ne s fri ends .

F o r a m u si cal given i n the afte rn oon the hostess ,

writes a b ri e f i n fo rmal m essage o n her visi ti ng

,

”
card o r th e wo rd
, M u sic
“
an d the
,

ho u r at wh ic h she d esi res the p res ence

o f he r friend s as su ggested i n the ch ap
,

te r treati ng o f I nvitatio n s N O reply i s expected

. .

O n e accepts by atten d i n g o r sends cards o n the

sam e afte rn oon i f u n abl e to d o s o .

The e ntertai nment i s co nd u cted i n preci sely the

same m anne r as an afte rn o on tea the vi sitors of , ,

c ou rse e nteri n g qu i etly whi l e the m u sic i s i n p rog

,

ress the h ostess ri sin g to gre et them — if sh e i s

, ,

n ot stan di ng at the d rawing roo m d oo r — with -

a whisp ered wo rd o f welcom e .

D u ri ng the i nterm iss ions which last abo u t ,

twe nty m i n u tes p eopl e co me and go chat to

, ,

gethe r and take s om e li ght refresh ment i n the

,

d i ni ng roo m wh ere on e o r two you n g girls a re

-
,

s eated at a tabl e to s e rv e tea and chocolate .

2 67
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

A n even i ng m u si c al i s a d rawi n g ro o m c o nce rt -

,

th e fo rm o f i nvi tati o n fo r wh i ch has bee n give n

i n a p revi o u s chapter The ro o m s a re .

A n e ve n in g
c leare d O f al l fu rn it ure that can not be
m u s i c al
s et agai n st the walls and m ad e attrac ,

tive w ith fl owe rs an d p al ms Th e pi an o i s m ove d

.

u p near th e en d O f the m ai n d rawi n g roo m and a -

,

s mal l stage i s gene ral ly erected at its extre m e

e n d cove red with ru gs and a c o up le o f c hai rs a
, , ,

table a p al m i n a h andso m e pot and a fe w fl owers

, ,

give i t th e appe aranc e of a pleasant roo m A ll .

th e rest o f the room sp ace is filled with rows of

s mall li ght fold i n g c h ai rs le aving an ai sle b etween
-
, .

These m ay be rented .

The di ni ng roo m tabl e is s et and d ec o rated as

-

for a recepti on i f a s u ppe r is to fol lo w This

, .

m ay b e bo u nti fu l o r as m od est as o n e please ;

eithe r i s i n go od taste P u nc h o r wi n e c u p m ay
.
-

rep l ac e champagn e .

The gu ests u po n th ei r arri val are d i recte d to

d ressi ng ro om s to re move thei r wraps The h ost
-
.

ess w elco m es the m at th e d rawi n g roo m d oo r th e -

,

host by h e r si de and they the n pass to thei r seats

, ,

m akin g thei r o wn selecti on ge nerally wh ere they ,

fi nd p erson al friends Prog ram m es are distri bu ted

.
.

A s t h e roo m s fil l and the seati ng capac i ty grows

less evid ent the host sho ul d d evote h i msel f to
,

find i ng places fo r th e late r arrivals rese rvi ng the ,

seats ne arest th e d oo r when po ssi bl e .

A fter th e m u si c has begu n the hostess takes a ,

s eat near th e e ntranc e risi n g O f c o u rse to greet

,

2 68
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S ION S

are u s u al ly favo rites beh in d the scen es as well as ,

befo re the footlights wh o are m o re an xio u s to

,

give p leasu re than to d i splay thei r own aecom

l is h m e n t s o r attracti on s a nd advan c e m en t always
p ,

co m es to those wh o fil l wel l a l ittle plac e .

A p opu lar fo rm O f the atri cals i s the ill ustratio n

o f a c o m edy by tableau x The play o r p o e m i s
.
i

read alo u d a n d the cu rtai n rises fro m ti me to ti m e

, ,

as o ne wo u ld tu rn th e p age o f a bo ok and co me
u po n an i llu strati o n I t i s a cu rio u s fact th at
.

rarely i s the read e r wel l qu al ified fo r th e part To .

read alo u d acceptably h e m u st have an agree able ,

well m od u lated vo ic e and be s o u n co nsc iou s O f

-
,

sel f t h at no o ne else wi ll th i nk of hi m A tte ntio n .

sho ul d be centred in th e m atter not th e m an O n e ,

.

h as o nly to read wi th the same i nterest an i m a ,

tio n and fres h ness with wh i ch on e wo u ld n at u r

,
’
ally rel ate anythi n g if d esi ro u s O f p leasi ng o ne s
h earers .

Je alo usy i s s ai d to fl ou ri sh apac e i n th e atm os

h e re of p rivate theatri cal s N ow j ea l ou sy bel ongs
p
.

to th e m o ral sph e re — o r th e i mmo ral — b u t i ts

betraya l is a si n against good m anne rs .

The playth i ngs i n vented to d ivert the s ixth

C harles of F rance i n h i s m oody m ad ness h ave
bee n favo ri te toys o f every age si nce
h i s ti m e s o ab u sed a h u nd red years
,

ago t h at t h e d rawin g roo m O f al most-

every fashion abl e wom an i n L on don was a gam

bl i n g sal on u nti l the reacti on set i n and card s were
,
’ ”
b anished as the devil s to ol s
“
.

2 70
M US I CAL S , TH EA T R I CAL S , CA R D —P AR TI E S

B ei ng rei nstated in respectab ility a card p arty ,

is n o w o n e O f the i nfo rmal sim ple entertain ments,

that m ay call frie nd s p leasantly togeth er withou t

e ntaili ng m u c h tro ub le o r expense .

T he d rawi ng roo m s are fille d with s m all tables

-
,

thei r n u mbe r O f co u rse dep endi ng u p o n the n u m

ber O f gu ests a nd th e hostess i s ready to rece ive
,
’
her fri ends at ab ou t ei ght O cl ock D ressi ng roo ms .
-

are provi d ed .

When all are assembled the hostess o r so m e ,

yo u n g gi rl p resents to each gu est i n tu rn a basket

O f loose fl owers E ach l ady takes a p osy fro m
.

the basket an d e ach m an a bo u to n n i ere Those

, .

wh o h app e n to get th e s am e ki nd O f fl owers play

togethe r as p artne rs Pape r flowers m ay be sub
.

stitu ted fo r n atu ral o nes i f des i red , .

The roo ms shou l d be so lighted th at the players

at eve ry tabl e can see th ei r hand s cle arly and yet
’
n o on e s eyes h e ti red by the gl are o f a li ght
d i rectly i n fro nt o f hi m The wi nners at each .

table change thei r seats at every game m ovi ng o n ,

to each table i n t u rn .

Prizes are awarded a li ght s up pe r i s se rved

,

o r s i mple refreshm ents are p assed aro u nd after ,

wh ich the gu ests withd raw o r occ asionally linger ,

fo r a little m u si c i f so me o n e p resent is p roficie nt

,

and O bl igi n g .

Th e p ri zes are not see n u nti l the m o ment of

the i r bestowal by th e hostess They sho u ld not .

b e so handso me as to b e covete d fo r them selves ,

b u t o nly gi ve n to m ake t h e l ittl e vi cto ry mo re c on

2 71
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

s p ic u o u s .I t i s a d isti nctio n with a d i ffe rence .

H ow glo r y wou ld be c heapened if a h ero i c d ee d

’

w ere u n de rtake n fo r so m e defin it e rewa rd O ffe red ,

’
i nste ad o f b ei n g p ro mpted by a m an s own gen er
o u s i m p u lse and th e reward accepted b u t as a
recogn itio n o f the s e rvi ce fro m those wh o wou ld
ho no r the hero .

It i s always a p ity to spo il an i nno cent p leasu re ,

wh i ch alo n e b ri ngs re al recre atio n To p lay .

fo r m o ney o r fo r a p ri ze d ebases the gam e as well ~

as the pl ayers the ho no r O f wi n ni ng n o l on ge r

,

be i ng s u ffi cie nt It is n ow the c u sto m fo r all w h o

.

have not won th e fi rs t o r sec ond p riz e to d raw fo r

” ”
the booby o r con solatio n priz e that the l east ,

dese rvi n g m e mber sh al l n ot b e ranked w ith the

wi nners .

A t h o u gh u n de r the c i rc u m stances th at we have

b ee n c o nsi de ri n g there i s rarely any exh i biti on o f
,

an noyanc e at another s m i stake — any ’

Co u rt e s y — yet a game o f
at c a r d s
lapse fro m co u rtesy
c ards so m eti m es b ri n gs abo u t revela
ti ons O f ch aracte r th at are far fro m grati fyi n g .

S o m e carel ess playe rs exasperate the ea rn es t

o nes w h o are i nterested i n the resu lt of th e gam e ;

by c ontin u ally m aki n g m istakes forgetti ng to p lay ,

u ntil rem i nded askin g p e ri od i cally what th e tru m p

,

i s d eali n g th e c ards i n a careless way th at o ffend s

,

those acc usto m ed to th ei r d e ft handli n g S u ch .

pe rson s are u s u ally th i nki n g of the m selves not ,

th e game and wou ld l ike to centre gene ral atten

,

tio n u po n the s ame O bj ect .

2 72
C hap E zg b t eefl t fi — E N T E R TA I N 1 N G
’

t er
'

A HOUSE PARTY

R O S PE R I TY i s n ot co mp lete u n ti l
s h a re d w it h others
e
and h osp itali ty
,

has its hi ghest i m pu lse i n the d e s i re

to con fe r p leas u re .

O n e o f its most ch arm i ng fo rm s

i s t h e e ntertai nm e nt o f several gu ests u nde r the
s am e ro o f fo r consecu tive d ays fo r wh ic h we ,

have adopted th e E n gl is h name o f ho u se

party . F ew town ho u ses are capac i o u s e no u gh
fo r s u c h reu n i o ns b u t i n the co u ntry we h ave
,
”
“
al l o u t d oo rs and th e ho u se seem s of s eco n d
-
,

d ary i mpo rtance .

Th e C h inese h ave a stand ard book o f eti qu e tt e ,

sai d to be the first eve r pu blished writte n at the ,

’
E mpe ro r s requ est ei ghtee n h u ndred an d twenty
years ago ! Its precepts are ap plicable as tho u gh
writte n fo r to d ay-
.A m on g t h em i s the follow
i n g : A s a gu est de mand nothi ng A s a hostes s
,
.
,
”
e xhaust hosp itality .

A ll i nvitatio n s are s e nt as early as possible to

avo i d d isappoi ntment A n i ncon gru o u s party
.

i s so meti m es the res u lt O f delay the ,

Th e
i n v i t at i o n s gu ests eve ntu ally asse mbled bein g quite
d i ffe rent fro m those whose pleasu re the
ho s tes s had so u ght to fu rthe r when aski ng them
2 74
 ENTERTAINING A H O U S E P ARTY

to meet each othe r A s h as bee n s ai d elsewhere

.
,

all i nvi tatio ns are gi ve n i n the nam e O f the lady o f

the ho use t h o u g h a m an m ay n ot hesitate of
, ,

co u rse to accept the i nvitatio n o f his host It is

, .
,

ho w eve r m o re com pli me ntary i f i t co m e fro m hi s

,

hostess .

I t has been fo u nd that the p leasantest resu lts

foll ow whe n the i nvitatio ns are extend ed for a
week o r m ore When persons have the p rospect
.

o f sp en di ng a w eek u nd e r th e s am e roof they ,

make rapi d stri des i n acquaintan ceshi p but for ,

a sho rte r ti me they rarely see m able at fi rst to

d ivest the mselves O f a certai n fo rm al ity and re
strai nt. We copy th e frankness of the E nglish
h ostess i n ask i ng ou r gu ests for a defin ite peri od ,

i n d efe ren ce to plans fo r othe r vis itors A n i nvita .

t io n fo r a few d ays i s ambi gu ou s and puzzling

to the reci pient A ti me table i s so meti m es e n
.
-

clo sed i nd icatin g the trai n o r boat to be taken i f

,

co nvenient o r the hostess writes I th ink the trai n

, ,
“

that yo u wo u ld fi nd m ost agreeable i s reach

i ng he re abou t five j u st i n ti me fo r a cu p O ftea afte r
,

yo u r j ou rney and a rest befo re d inner .

The n ames of th e othe r gu ests are u su ally men

t io n e d and som e idea given o f th e p rop osed sports
,

and gayeties t h at it m ay be known what to p rovi de

,

i n th e m atte r O fd ress .

O n e o r two extra men are often asked to ad d ,

z est to the enj oyme nt o f the y o u ng p eople .

’
To give o ne s fri end s d ays of pleasant occ u p a
ti on and eveni ngs O f am usement an d recreation ,

2 75
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

whi l e at the sam e ti m e so arrangi ng d o m esti c

m atters as to i nsu re thei r eve ry c o m fo rt i s n o sl ight ,

S u gge s _
u nd e rtakin g I t is a co n.so li n g tho u ght
t i o n s t o t h e howeve r that where the re a re m any
,

h °S teS S
gu ests they entertai n e ach othe r and
, ,

the tro u ble m ay be m i n i m ized by O bservi n g a fe w

si mp le ru les .

F i rst I wo u l d s u ggest to the h ostess th at she

,

ass u m e n othi ng that sh e try to app ear no we alth

,

i e r n o bette r b o rn i n n o better s oc i al p osi ti o n

, ,

than sh e i n truth i s E very tr ue ho m e has an

.

i nd ivid u ality O fits own th at c onstitutes i ts greatest

cha rm .

A tem po ra ry rel i ef fro m the form al iti es O f l i fe

i s o ne o f th e ch arm s O f a c o u ntry vi si t I h ave .

n oti c ed th at d ress sets th e pr evaili n g to n e and

cu sto m s o f a p lace m o re th an anythi ng els e a nd ,
”
fo n d as w e wo m e n are o f ch i ffo ns em an ci p atio n ,

fro m th ei r tyranny is u su al ly enj oyed when the

hostess and her fam il i ar friends set the exam pl e o f
si m pli city o f atti re .

I n o rde r to b e co mp aratively care free and th at -

th e do m estic m ac hi ne ry m ay ru n with th e desi re d

precisi on befo re th e arri val O fvi sitors each servant
,

sho u ld be c arefu lly i n s t ructed i n hi s o r he r d u ties .

A tactfu l m i stress wi ll m ake the m he r tru sted

al l ies and she m ay th e n devote herself w ith
,

gre ater freedo m to he r gu ests .

Th e sec ret of entertai ni n g with ease i s to l ive

wel l eve ry d ay I f the table li nen b e fresh the
. ,

glass and si lve r well cared fo r the table d ai nty ,

2 76
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

l iberty i t wi ll be warm ly app re ci ated H e re they

,
.

wi l l fe el that they are o n thei r own gro u nd .

If i t be so s itu ated as to b enefit by p ass in g

b reez es if provi ded wi th a c o m m od io u s d esk i n a
,

well l i ghted c o rner s u ppli ed with the wherewi thal

-

fo r wri ti ng an d con ve ni e nces for lo u ngi n g an d

,

s m oki ng m en will no t b e c ritical O fthe fu rni shi n g

,
.

’
R e l ics O f the host s bachelo r d ays O fte n relegate d ,

to the atti c m ay h ere be give n p laces o f ho no r

, ,

an d are apt to fu rn is h texts fo r a goo d sto ry o r

p leasi ng re mi ni scenc e whe n the j oys o f c o ngen i al
,

c o mp an i o nship detai n the fri ends u nti l the we e “

’ ”
s m a hou rs .

The fu rn ishi ng o f the gu est rooms m ay b e s i m -

l ic ity i tsel f b u t they s ho u ld be attractive co mfo rt

p , ,

able neat and c h eerfu l E ac h sho u ld

, ,
.

T h e gu e s t
b e p rovi ded with a rest inviti ng lo u n ge -
,
ro o m s
a c lock a few read able boo ks a basket
, ,

c ontai ni ng sewi ng m aterials a screen where , ,

-

two pe rsons share a roo m an d i n that c ase p refe r ,

ably two s mall beds a waste pap er basket and

'

-
, ,

all c o nven i ences fo r writin g A c ard sho u ld be .

pl aced with the stati o ne ry givi ng detailed in fo r ,

m atio n abo u t the m ails and whe re o utgoi ng let

te rs m ay be pl aced A calend ar i s a conven ien ce
.

t h at wi ll be appreci ated A fold ed sl u mbe r robe .

-

o n the end O f th e lo u nge a n extra blanket at the ,

foot of the bed a wh isk b roo m a lamp candle

, , , ,

an d m atches colo gne o r s o me to i let wate r ple nty O f

, ,

fres h water and towel s with a new c ake of s oap o n ,

the washstand all thes e sho u ld not be fo rgotten

,
.

2 78
 ENTERTAINING A H O U S E P ARTY

E ve ry ho stess shou ld o cc u py her own guest

ch ambe r lon g e no u gh to h ave its d eficiencies
revealed to he r The d ressi ng tab le wi ll then b e
.
-

p laced i n a goo d l ight th e bells to s u m mon the

,

m aid wil l b e i n orde r a b ath gown will n ot b e

,
-

fo rgotte n if a bath roo m b e not adj o i ni ng and ,

m any l ittl e c om fo rts will b e added .

V isi tors wil l be glad to o cc upy su c h a room ,

an d gratefu l to be l eft to them selves fo r a tim e

each day to rest read o r write letters A fter su ch
, ,
.

an i nte rval th e re newed i nterco u rs e wi ll b e the

m o re app rec i ated .

Previ o u s to the arrival of he r fri en ds the hostess ,

sho u ld vis it eve ry roo m which they are to occu py .

H e r pe rson al tou ch i s ne eded and wi l l Th e

b e recogni z ed . R arely d o es a servant arr iv al o f
t h ° gu e s ’
s
u n derstan d th at neatness d oes n o t m ean
”
sti ffness and
,
arti sti c d iso rder is to them a
m eani ngless term A few fresh fl owers an easy
. , ,

c hai r d rawn u p near the pleasantest wi ndow little ,

tou ches tho u g h tful ly given m ake a ro o m seem a ,

b it o f h om e an d b ri n g assu rance to a friend t h at

,

h i s o r her co m ing has been a n ticipated with pleas

u re Ple nty of sweet fresh ai r too gi ves a sense
. , , ,

O f wel l bein g u p on c rossin g th e th reshold

- .

I n the co u ntry visito rs are always m et at sta

ti ons and steam er land i ngs — if p ossible by som e
m e mb er o f the fam ily who gives the m th e heart
,

i est o f wel com es and fro m th e mo m ent O f thei r

,

arrival takes the m i n ch arge A p rivate c onvey

ance fo r thei r l uggage wh ich shal l i m med i ately
,

2 79
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L O CCAS I O N S

fo l lo w the vi sito rs i s a great c o nve ni ence s avi n g

, ,

ann oyanc e and som eti m es e m barrass m ent when the

express me n are m o re than u s u ally d il ato ry .

The hostess m ay gree t he r friends at th e h o u s e

-

d oo r with s mi l i ng eage rn ess o r they m ay be u sh

,

e red i nto t h e sitti n g roo m o r li brary ac co rd i ng to

-
,

t h e degre e o f i nti macy He r w elco m e i s o f co u rse

.
, ,

co rd i al ity i ts elf
.

The hostess co nd ucts he r wo me n gu ests to thei r

roo m s o r a d au ghte r O f the h o u se m ay sh o w th at
,

attenti o n o r i t m ay b e d el egated to a tru sty m aid

, .

A well trained ho u se m ai d i s at hand u po n th e ar

-
,

rival O f a wo m an gu est to take he r travelli ng bag

,
-
,

u mb rella o r whateve r sh e m ay b e carry i ng a nd i f

, ,

s he has not b ro u ght he r own m aid !whi c h i n th i s

co u ntry i s n ot u su al ) sh e lead s —o r fo llows i f the
hostess accom pany her — to he r room H avi n g .

ass i sted h e r to re m ove h e r b o n net and wrap s th e ,

m ai d asks fo r the keys of h er tr u nk s o th at u po n ,

its a rrival she m ay u npack he r gowns and pu t aw ay

h e r oth er belon gi ngs O f fe rs he r tea o r a gl as s O f
,

wi ne an d a b isc u it if the arrival i s at a n ho u r to

warrant it p rep ares he r b ath and l eaves h er to re
,

pose afte r i n fo rm i n g he r O f th e di n ner hou r c ar

,
-
,

ry in g with he r the travel li n g gown and s hoes fo r a

t h o ro u gh br u sh i n g Whe n it i s ti m e to d ress fo r
.

d i n ner th e m ai d taps at the d oo r an d p ro ffers he r

,

ass istance exp lai ni n g th at he r se rvi ces wi l l be at

,

’
the lady s disp osal at certai n ti mes befo re each me al .

S ho u ld th e m ai d n ot be s u fli c ie n tl y capabl e to
‘

u np ack the tru nks she shou l d at least u nstrap an d

,

2 80
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

al m ost as m u ch a m atte r of co u rse as the fo o d b u t ,

i f fo r any re aso n they a re n ot p roc u rabl e a ce ntre ,

p i ec e O f growi n g ferns and m ats O f l eaves u nd e r

the d ishes m ay s u ggest the e f fe c t of c o ol fresh ness
i n thei r stead .

A t the first d i n ne r a name card at each pl ac e ,

with so m e qu otatio n s o app rop ri ate as to serve as

a c o mp reh ensive i ntro d u cti o n o f the g u ests to eac h
othe r b reaks d own b arri ers O f fo rm ality ; s u ch
, ,

fo r i nstance as ,

A m an h e s ee
m s O f c h ee rfu l y es terd ay s
And c o n fi d en t to -
mor ro w s .
”
Wo r ds w o r th
His l i b rary is d u k e d o m l arge e n o ugh .
”
S /za k esp ear e .

He k n o w s w h at ’
s wha t
,
an d th a t ’
s as h i gh
A s m etap h y s i c w it
”
B u tl
’
H u d z bm
’

c an fly . er s r .

Wh en th e sam e perso n s m eet at d i n ne r n i ght ,

afte r n i ght i t i s wi se to vary th e ord e r i n whi ch

,

th ey are seated i n o rd e r to add the s p ice O f

,

variety .

The fi rst eve n i n g i s always th e m ost d ifli c u l t fo r

th e hostess If d evoted to games any feeli ng O f
. ,

stran gen ess o r sti fness u su ally d is ap

f
Th e
e v e n in g s
’pears O fte n a gu est wi ll u nexpect
.

e n t e r t ai n e d l y reveal so m e entertai n ing q u ality

m ent
cha racte r re ad in g b anj o —
playin g fo r
-
, ,

tu n e telli n g sleight O fhan d sto ry tellin g whi stli ng

-
, ,
-
, ,

pal m istry o r oth e r

,
parlo r tri cks “
as soci ety -

slan g h as i t .

A n eveni ng d evoted to m u si c mi ght follow n ext ,

and m u ch u nsu spected talent is O ften revealed .

2 82
 ENTERTAINING A H O U S E P A R T Y

N e arly eve ry o n e h as so methi n g to co ntri b u te

when the pl an fo r d iversi o n d oes not c hange so
rapidly as to give o ne no o pp ortu nity and p eop le ,

e nj oy th e mselve s when they fi nd th at they are

givi ng p leas u re If a li ttl e p ro gram me of ente r
.

t ain m e n t i s m ade i n advan ce the i nte ntio n m u st

,

n eve r be obvi o u s and a cleve r hostess ke eps i n

,

reserve s u gge s tions to b e b ro u ght fo rward when

i nterest flags .

O f all acc o mplishments e ntertai n i ng co nversa

,

ti o n is th e m ost u sefu l at a ho u se p arty The .

talents of a go od story telle r are m u ch ap p re

-

c iate d and o f
, te n li e do rm ant u nti l arou sed by th e
example of othe r s A hostess m ay ask each o n e
.

i n tu rn when gathe re d abo ut a c hee ry wood fire

,

o n a ch i lly even ing o r o n the pi azz a on a warm

o ne to rel ate the m ost th ri ll i ng adventu re o r the
,

most e mb arrassin g s itu atio n of hi s o r he r li fe .

The result generally p roves i nteresting N early .

eve ry o ne enj oys re m in is c e n c in g and few are averse

to be in g the heroes of thei r own tales with the p ri v ,

ilege o f co u rse o f s u p pressi ng what they pl ease

, ,
.

R ecitatio n i s with so me a favo rite m od e of e n

t e rtain m e n t b ut a tale nt fo r read i ng alou d accept
,

ably is o fte n mo re welco m e bec ause apparently

less p retenti o u s The sec ret o f i t lies i n utte r
.

fo rgetful ness o f self an d i n tel l ing t/ze s to ry s im ply

,

and i ntelli ge ntly as o ne wou ld withou t a book , ,

’
narrate so methi n g known to o ne s sel f but new
’
to on e s au d i en ce the eyes m eanti m e ru nning
‘

ahead o f the voi ce to note th e p rope r emphasi s .

2 83
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

I t i s th e p art o f the hostess to s u ggest reti ri n g

fo r th e n i ght I t reli eve s vi s itors o f e m b arra s s
.

m ent to kno w the way s o f the h o use

Go i n g t o
hold and a re adi ness to co m p ly with
,
b ed
them i s a m ark o f po lite n e ss It m ay
,
.

b e wel l howeve r fo r the hostess to s ay : We are

, ,

accu sto m ed to what m ay see m early ho u rs to yo u ,

s o d o n ot let o u r m ovements i nfl u en c e yo u rs .

H ere are b ooks and paper s Plea s e foll ow y o u r .

”
own i n cl i nations B efo re leavi ng h e r vi s ito rs th e
.
,

hostess asks at what ti me they wi sh to b e waken e d

i n the m o rn in g .

I t i s well to have e asy ru l es abou t b reakfast I t .

’
i s cu stom ary to give o ne s gu ests th e o ptio n o f
h avi ng tea o r co ffee rolls eggs an d fr u i t s e nt to
, , ,

thei r ro o ms o r o f j o i nin g the family where i t i s

th ei r c u sto m to b reakfast to gether .

When th e gu ests go to th ei r room s they shou l d ,

fi nd th e gas o r l amps lighted the bed s open ed and ,

p repared and the n ight clothes d ress in g gowns

, ,
-
,

and sl ippers l ai d ready at ha nd .

I n t h e m o rn i n g a m ai d taps at th e d oo r o f a
wo ma n gu est asks at what ti m e a nd at what
,

A tt e n t io n s
tem peratu re she wi ll have h e r b ath ,

o f s e r v an t s r aises the sh ades o r l ights the fire

tO ‘h e when req u i red and bri ngs the b reak
,

gu e s t s
fast tray i f she p refe rs to breakfast i n
he r ro o m .

I n wealthy an d well app oi nted ho u s eh olds a

-

valet do es the s am e fo r the m en b u t everywhere ,

h ot wate r fo r shavi ng i s b ro u ght i f the h ou se i s

2 84
ET IQ U ETTE F O R A L L O CCAS IONS

T he p leasantest ad d iti o ns to a h o u se p arty are

o ften thos e wh o are po o r i n p u rs e b ut ri ch i n
tho u ght Knowi n g th at they c an not retu rn the
.

co u rtes i es o f thei r ho s ts i n ki nd they d o i t i n ,

kin d n es s .

The re i s o ften a p leasan t i nterch ange o f n eigh

bo rly hospitality A col d lu ncheo n se rve d o n a
.

b re ezy vi ne sc ree n e d p iazza give s pl eas u re to city

-

peo ple by its n ovelty w ho app reci ate fo r th e s am e

,
”
reason the d ear co m mon flowe rs o n the tabl e
“

an d ab ou t th e ho u s e m o re tha n the rarest exotic s ,

an d ru gs sp read o n the l awn with ch ai rs an d ,

s m al l t abl es gro u ped u nd e r the trees m ake a p leas ,

ant setti n g fo r afternoo n te a .

A n i n fo rm al call and a chat over a c u p o f te a

’
o n a nei ghbo r s p iazz a m ay b e enj oyed by two o r
three gu ests at a ti me The hou se an d gro u n ds
.

m ay p rove i nterestin g a nd th e shi fti n g o f th e r o l e

,

of ho stess to oth e r sh o u ld ers fo r a l ittle wh i le i s

so m eti m es gratifyi ng — fo r variety O f co u rse .
,

the m ost i nti m ate nei ghbo rs a re i nvited to m eet

’
o n e s frie nd s at so m e i n fo rm al gatheri n g A c ere .

m o n io u s hospi tality i n th e co u ntry seem s to d o

”
vi olence to the ete rnal fitness o f thi n gs
“
.

A co nti nu o us d evoti o n o f th e hostess to he r

gu ests beco mes b u rdensom e to both A l ittle .

’
ti m e shou l d b e given o ne s gu ests e ach
A pl e as an t
ho stes s
d ay for rest p rivacy and perfect
, fre e ,

do m altho u gh perso ns absent fro m

,

ho m e an d havi n g n o rou ti ne o f d u ty o r cares of

an y s o rt are u su ally glad to be taken p osse s si on

2 86
 ENTERTAINING A HO U S E P ARTY

of an d fi n d the i r ti me agreeably filled fo r them .

Thi s howeve r m ay easily be ove rd on e A hostess

, , .

m ay with al l p rop riety exc u se he rsel f fo r a ti me ,

afte r seei ng th at h er gu est h as the wh erewithal to

am u se hersel f i n o rde r to atte nd to he r do mesti c
,

d u ti es o r e nj oy the soci ety o f he r own fam i ly N o .

sp eci al change n eed be m ad e i n th e fam ily li fe

whe n entertai ni ng a ho use p arty F ri endships
.

take d eepe r root when the co nd i tio ns a re n ot

arti ficial .

The m od el hostess m akes her visito rs feel per

fe c tl y at ho m e S h e o bse rve s thei r real tastes I f
. .

they are fo nd o f books sh e lets them read i n

,

peace Th e obviou s e ffo rt to entertai n d efeats its

.

obj e ct S h e i s so natu ral hersel f that they are at

.

e ase d ro p th ei r u nconscio us m as ks an d are

,

them selves .

S he d oes n ot ru n i n an d o u t o f her gu est rooms -

,

b u t when she i s the re she acts as t h ou gh s he were

,

th e v isito r .

N o h o s te s s apologizes fo r any gu est A l l are o n

.

the sam e soci al plan e while u nde r her roof and ,

s ho ul d receive e qu al c onside ration It is the wo rst

.

possi ble taste to m ake any d isti nctio ns .

S ervants m u st watch th ei r opportu nity to pu t

th e room s i n o rder frequ ently i n the abse nce of
,

th e visito rs Wo rk sho u ld n ot b e i n
.

S e rv a t s
’
n
evid e nce m ore than i s stri ctly necessary du t i e s
.

S om e u ni mp ortant th i ngs m ay b e give n

u p whi le o ne has visito rs that the se rvant s m ay
h ave more avai lable ti me to devote to them .

2 87
ETIQ U ETTE F O R ALL O CCAS ION S

In E nglish co u ntry h o u ses the d iffi cu lty i s rec

-

o gn iz e d o f fi nd in g th e s cattere d vi sito rs i n o rd er

A nno unc
to _
ann o u nc e th e meal s an d ,a gon g is
in g t h e sou n de d fo r th e p u rp ose as wel l as to,

m e al s n oti fy th e m o f the ti me to d res s h al f ,

an ho u r b efo re d in n e r Th e new c athed ral ch i mes

.

m ake a m usi cal an d ch arm in g s u bstitu te fo r a

go n g .

A t table it i s n o longe r c on side re d goo d fo r m

,

to p ress a gu est to eat as tho u g h he n eed ed to b e

,

e nco u rage d like a ch il d withheld by bash fu ln es s

fro m s atisfy i ng hi m self I f anythi n g i s refused th e
.
,

hostess sh o ul d not n oti c e i t ; but i f sh e h as h eard a

gu est e xp ress a l iki ng fo r anyth ing i t i s a p l eas u re
,

to grati fy i t an d su ch l ittle attention s always p leas e

, .

If anythi n g go wro n g u nl ess it i s ve ry obvio u s

, ,

to apol ogiz e fo r i t is o ften to d raw attenti o n to

what wou ld otherwise esc ap e n otice A plate o f .

fru i t pl ace d i n the gu est ro o ms i s u s u ally ap p re

-

c iat e d fo r p eopl e are always h u ngry wh en they

,

are visi ti ng and the hou rs fo r m eals m ay not c oi n

,

c id e with thei r h ab its .

O n e feels pe rso nally resp onsi bl e fo r the weathe r

wh en o ne h as visito rs l ike the co u ntrywo m a n wh o
,

h avi ng i nvited th e m i ni ster fo r tea ex

R a i n y d ay s
p ressed h erself as s o m o r tifi ed becau se
i t rai ned ! The p rospect o f a rai ny day seems
d i sm al an d dep ressi n g The n is the ti me to s u ggest
.

so m e pl an fo r wh ic h p rep aratio n m u st be m ad e ,

charades tableau x i n thei r m o re m od ern d evelop

,

m ent o f rep r ese nti ng fa mou s p ai nti n g s o r ad ve r

288
ETI Q U ETTE P O R ALI . O CCA S ION S

Th e re m emb rance o f the i ntercou rse will b e

the p leasante r if th e p artin g h as bee n a relu ctant
o ne.

Whe n a m an i s to d ep art early i n th e m o rni n g ,

he takes leave o f h i s h osts and th ei r fri e nds the

eve n in g befo re and a se rvant is instru cted to wake
,

h i m at the ho u r d esi red and carry h i s b reakfast

to his ro o m H e i s d riv en to the stati on h i s l u g
.
,

gage bei n g se nt i n advance H i s host ap pe ars i n

.

ti m e to wish hi m go dspeed .

When a wo m an gu est i s abo ut to d ep art th e ,

services o f a m ai d sho uld be o ffered to ai d he r i n

p acking S om e m e m be r o f the fam i ly o r a co m
.

p etent rep resentative shou ld see to i t th at a

com fo rtabl e b re akfast i s served to h e r th at th e ,

t rap i s at the d oo r i n goo d ti m e to take h er to the

stati on and to i n s u re als o th at her b oxes arrive
beti m es S ho u ld h er expected j ou rney b e a l o ng
.

o ne a d ai nty lu nch eo n sho ul d b e p ut u p fo r h e r

, ,

an attentio n th at i s always m u ch app rec i ated .

Wi th a wom an gu est it i s not essenti al th at he r

,

h osts acco m pany he r to th e station bu t th ey see ,

h e r befo re he r departu re an d a trusty se rvant

,

che cks h e r tru nk an d sees h e r com fo rtably sped

u po n h e r j ou rney .

E very visito r sho u ld be m ad e to feel th at h i s o r

h er p resence h as added to the pl easu re of th e
e ntertai n m ent and conferred a p e rsonal grat ifi c a ~

ti o n u pon th e h osts .

I n p ro m p t u h ou se parti es are o ccasi o nally ar

-

ran ged in wi nte r afte r a s now sto rm o r shar p fros t

-
.

2 9°
 ENTERTAININ G A H O U S E P ARTY

M erry ti m es are e nj oyed b u t s u ch p artie s s hou ld

,

be ca refully ch ape ro ned .

The ente rtai n m ent o f m an y gu ests at a tim e

p res u pposes a c om fortable i nc o m e bu t ,

i n th e c ou ntry al m ost any h ostess m ay

o p en her d o o rs to o ne o r two fri en d s
an d give the m a few d ay s fu l l o f si m pl e pleasu res .

”
The gentle art of enj oyi n g o u rselves rarely
“

d epen d s u po n m ateri al advantage s Info rmal fes .

t ivit ies u s u ally exc ite m o re spo ntaneou s enj oyment

th an elabo rate fu nctions and i n th e c ou ntry earth
, ,

ai r s ea and sky co mbine to m ake o n e h appy and

, ,

seren e an d we e nj oy withou t e ffo rt

, .

Pe rsonal qu al ities gracio u sness and cord ial ity

, ,

l i ft si m pl e m odes of h osp ital ity o u t o f the com

m o n p l ac e I shou l d b e h appy to se e my fri ends
.
“

ifI h ad only h am ri nds to give them !

-
excl ai med
o ne e nthu si ast The pl easu re m i ght not be m u
.

tu al b ut the re spoke th e tru e sp i rit of h osp itality

,
.

Th e m o s t charm i n g hosts a re those who ente r

-

tai n wisely as to guests and si m ply as to m ethods .

I f agreeabl e p e rsons d ecl i ne h ospitalities b e

c au se they c annot retu rn the m i n ki nd they set ,

to o h igh a val u e o n m ateri al thin gs I f the ri ch .

o nly e ntertained th e ri ch soc iety wou ld b e very ,

u ni nteresti n g We all have m u ch to give t h at

.

m on ey can not bu y .

E m e t ‘ in
When expecti n g visito rs i n town i t i s f f
'

c u stomary for s om e m embe r o f the fam 511233e

11 1 1

ily to m eet wo m en gu ests arrivi n g alo ne

b y trai n o r a tru sty s ervant i s sent
,
If me n are .

2 1
9
ETIQ U ETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IO NS

th e vi sito rs they are s u p posed to take c are o f

,

them selves b u t i f th ey are stran gers i n town the

, ,

hos t welc o m es them at th e statio n .

I f gu ests are kn own to be fon d o f s oci ety the i r ,

co m i n g i s m entio ned to su ch frien d s as wi ll c are

to cal l an d pe rhaps sho w so me hosp ital ity Whe n .

yo u n g gi rl s are i nvite d u n acco mp anie d by thei r

elders the hostes s ass u m es the o ffi ce of ch ape ro n
,

an d m u st be tru e to i ts respo ns ibi li ti es .

O fco u rs e a ho stess n eve r allows a gu est to feel

th at h is o r h e r p resen ce c auses any i nco nveni enc e .

If i nvitati o ns have bee n accepted by the hosts

befo re the co m i n g o f th ei r visitors i t sho u ld b e ,

explai ned and the h ostess i nsu res th at a n ice d in

,

ne r i s serve d an d ofte n asks them to i nvite s o m e

,

acqu aintance to sh are i t with them .

Th e hostes s places he r d rawin g ro o m at he r -

’
vi sito r s d i sp osal an d s u ggests that he r card b e
,

se nt to s u ch ac qu ai ntan ces as s h e m ay h ave

i n town at s o m e stated date When sh e c an .

d ispe nse wi th he r c arri age sh e offe rs it to h e r

,

fri end so th at sh e m ay feel free to go and com e

,

as she pl ease s I nd eed to b e free and abl e to go

.
,

abou t i n i ndep end e nt fash io n i s u s u al ly greatly

app reci ated by a gu est I f she h as acq u ai ntances
.

u nknown to he r hostes s th e l atte r assu res h e r of

,

the fullest libe rty to acc ept th ei r i nvitation s in ,

~

fo rm in g he r only of th e en gagem ents al ready m ad e

fo r her an d so harm onizi n g the i r m u tu al p l ans .

Th e best o f whateve r i s worth seei n g is o ffe re d

acco rdi n g to th e means o f the h osts .

29 2
Go o p z e r N z fl /
et eefl t z — T HE DU T I E S
'

O F A G U E ST

d oes not requ i re a S olo m o n to

T
d raw u p a c od e o f laws fo r the
co ndu ct o f a g u est O n e m ay say
.

It i s n ot a d ifli c u l t r o l e to pl ay
“
,

and yet any o n e who h as h ad the

l east exp erie nce i n e ntertai ni n g knows th at o n e
gu est m ay b e a ki ll j oy a nd anothe r an i nsp i rati o n
-
.

It b egi ns with th e i nvi tati on A ready ac .

c e p t an c e i s fl atte ri ng and a p rompt r egret an

,

e vi dence o f goo d b reedi n g an d th o u ghtfu l c o n

s ide rati on It i s a m istake n i dea that a tardy
.

regret seem s to co nvey rel u ctance .

H avi ng accepted an i nvitati o n to d i ne o r vis i t

’
at a frie nd s hou se to qu ote a well known
,
-

Th e gub s t
society l ead er N othi ,
n g b ut yo ur

at a own fu ne ral sho u ld p revent yo u r keep

din n e " i n g th e en gage me nt .

Pu n ctu ality i s s ai d to be a royal vi rtu e an d th e ,

head s o f th e natio ns s et an example of the m ost

m i n u te exactitu d e i n th at respect as a m atte r o f
p u re cou rtesy N othi n g i s mo re tryi n g to the
.

te m pe r o f h ostess and cook th an belated gu ests ,

and n o o ne h as the ri ght to s acri fic e others to h i s

c o nv e n ience .

294
 y ~

fi "
x

THE DUTIE fi GUES T

'

S o r

We sh o u l d show o u rselves responsive to any

e ffo rt m ade to ente rtai n u s, be eas ily am used and ,

let i t b e s ee n that we h ave co me with the ex

e c t at io n o f enj oyi n g o u rselves There i s an art
p .

i n bei n g e ntertai ned as well as i n e ntertaini ng .

N oth in g i s so grati fyin g to a hostess as a happy ,

an i m ate d gu est .

A t a d i n ne r i t is better to p artake o f a little of

everythi n g th at i s passed o r at l east take some
,

’
u po n o ne s plate A yo u n g o r i n expe ri enced
.

hostess obse rvin g th at he r gu ests d ecli ne certai n

,

d ishes thi nks that sh e h as m ad e an u nfortu n ate

,

sel ecti o n u nad apted to thei r tastes o r i f one s ays

, , ,

by way o f apology fo r refu sin g I h ave al ready

,
“

eate n so h earti ly she m ay rep ro ach h erself with

,

p rovi di ng to o bou nti fu l ly and recal l all that sh e

has h eard o f the bad fo rm o f those wh o thu s err .

N e ithe r let u s apo lo giz e fo r o u r appetites i n

takin g s o m e o f eve rythi n g si nce that al so i mpl ies
,

an ove r ge ne ro u s p rovisi o n The golden ru le is an

-
.

u nfai lin g gu i de It i s wel l to i m p rove any occa

.

s i o n of co mpl i m e nti n g the tem pti ng natu re of th e

vi and s and an enth u si asti c and spontaneo u s ex
,

pressi o n of pleasu re at th e beau ty o f the table

arran gem ent o r o f any a rti cle u pon i t does not
co me with b ad grac e fro m a guest whe re th e feel
i n g i s si nce re and i f it b e not done i n a gushi ng
manner .

I t i s a m istake to thi nk su ch rem arks i n bad

taste and th at they m ake u s appea r as tho u gh
,

u nu sed o u rselves to l u xu riou s su rro u nd ings On .

295
ET IQ U ETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

th e co ntrary it i s p rec isely those who are sen sitiv e

,

to bea uty thro u gh its acc u sto m ed ness that are

m ost fo rward i n exp ressi n g pleasu re o r pe rhap s ,

th ey kn ow fro m exp e ri ence that d i sc ri mi n ati n g

p rai se neve r giv e s o ffe nc e b ut is treas u red by th e
,

h ostess an d recal led with p leas u re Th ose who .

seco n d the e ffo rts o f th e i r ho stess i nstead o f m ak

i n g d em an d s u po n h er who help her to entertai n
,

he r oth er gu ests are those who se p resen ce co mes

,

to b e co nsi d ere d on e o f the e s senti als o f a s u ccess

fu l s oci al event .

I f i t b e nec essary to withd raw early b e fo re th e ,

rest o f the gu ests i t sho u ld b e do n e as qu i etly

,

'
as p ossibl e an d th e farewel l to o ne s h osts b e as
,

u nstereotyped a nd as e xp res s i ve o f pleasu re as m ay

b e m ad e co nsistent with t r u th — som e th i n k that
e ve n truth m ay b e stretched ove r a co mpl i ment .

In replyi n g to an i nvitati o n to spend a fe w d ays

’
o r m o re at a fri end s ho u se i t i s a not u nc o m m o n
,

T h e gu e s t
erro r i f obli
, ged to d ecli n e to say th at ,

”
a t a h o u s e at som e othe r ti m e on e wou l d be
“

Pa r t y pl eased to accept S u ch s u ggesti o n i s

.

s u pposed to co nvey the i d ea th at o ne c an not re

’
si gn on e s self to the d isapp o i ntmen t It ofte n .

p laces a h ostess i n a m ost e mb arrassi ng p os iti o n .

It wo u ld be c o nsi dered a ru deness to reply th u s to

a n i nvitatio n fo r d i n ne r o r lu nch eo n and yet it ,

wou ld b e far s i m ple r to repeat s u ch o cc asio ns o f

e nte rtai n i n g a fri en d th an to pl an twi ce fo r h i s
’
rece ptio n at on e s ho u se fo r a visit of seve ral days .

A p ro mpt reply i s es pec i ally i m po rtant i n s u ch

29 6
ETIQ U ETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

m ay not ap pear to b e waiti n g h el plessly to b e p ro

v id e d with ente rtai nm e nt S he m ay take a n ap .

o r p rete nd to d o s o o r p rop ose to withd raw to

he r roo m u nde r p retext o f letters to wri te ; an d a
m an m ay tram p read o r p r actis e at s o m e sp o rt if
, , ,

i t be s u spe cted th at the hosts have so m ethi n g to

occ u py them o r eve n to reli eve them o f thei r con
,

t in u o u s soci ety .

Pu nctu ali ty at al l ti m es s hou ld b e felt to b e an

ob li gati o n . Whe n o u ts i d e gu ests are i nvi ted ,

the hou s e party sho u ld b e i n the d rawi ng ro o m -

p rom ptly to receive the m o r to be p res ented b e ,

’
i n g i n a sen s e part o f the i r h ost s fa m ily d u ri n g
, ,

th e i r stay .

I f fam i ly wo rshi p i s a c u stom an d the ho u r i s

m enti o n ed to gu ests the i r p resence i s obl i gato ry ;
,

b ut i f no t i nvited it wo u ld b e an i ntru s i on
, .

I f anythi n g u npl e asant o cc u r a gu est sho u ld

'

se e no thi n g bu t m ain tai n a d iscreet absent m i nd

,
-

e d n e s s ; and the who l e d ecalo gu e of go od beh avio r

i s b roke n at o nce i f o n e visito r c riticises to another

’
e ithe r a fel l o w gu est o r a m emb er o f the h ost s
fam ily o r d i sc usses any of th ei r affai rs o r i nte rests
,

u nl ess i t b e to p rai se .

The ro om s allotted to vi sito r s are gene ral ly

d ai nty and o fte n co ntai n ch oic e articles th at requ i re
,

carefu l u se O fte n ch e rished b elo n gi n gs

.

a re taken fro m accu stom ed places to m i n

’
iste r to a gu est s co m fo rt o r pleasu re ,

who wi l l of co u rse ke ep the roo m i n an o rde rly

, ,

m an ne r an d hand l e its p retty acc esso ri es with d u e

298
 THE D UTIE S O F A GUES T

regard to the i r delicacy Th e p res en ce of visitors

.

’
ad ds ap p reciably to the servants regu lar d uties ; so
i t i s only j u st to l i ghte n the m as far as m ay be and ,

ask n o speci al service i f it c an b e avoi ded .

I t i s a m atte r of bed roo m eti qu ette to leave the

roo m always i n perfect o rde r I n the morni n g .

the wi nd ows sh ou ld be o pened the bed — clothes

,

tu rn ed back to b e ai red an d the towels h ung i n

,

plac e .

’
A tho u ghtfu l hostess wi l l o ffer a m aid s services
to u np ack and p ack the boxes of h er gu ests The .

servant s sho u ld be p leasantly th anke d for any ser

vice an d u po n le avi ng vis ito rs con fo rm to c ustom
, ,

i n givi n g a gratu ity to s u ch as have m i ni stered to

the m perso n al ly .

Wel l bred guests keep thei r belongings carefully

-

c o nfi ned to th e porti o n o f the hou s e th at is tempo

raril y ass igned to th em avai li ng them
,

selves only o f the cl osets and d rawers

that h ave been pl ace d at thei r d i sposal .

They do not take b ooks and m agaz i nes to

th ei r roo ms without the exp ress perm issi on of
the hostess These are fo r the benefit of all th e
.

vi sitors Th ey neve r ride a borrowed ho rse too

.

far o r too fast .

They e ndeavo r to show them s elves at thei r best

when others are i nvited to m eet them taki ng p ai ns ,

to second all th e e ffo rts of thei r h ostess .

Wh en p ri vate theatricals o r m usi cals are given ,

the hostess o r othe rs who su peri ntend the a ffai r

,
,

wi ll always be gratefu l to those who p ut ting aside ,

2
99
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O C CAS IO N S

pe rson al p referen ce e nte r he arti ly i nto th e p arts

,

assigned the m m o re anxi o u s to give ple as u re

,

th an to d isplay th ei r acco mplish m ents A n ol d .

p rove rb s ays , N eve r m e nti o n a rop e i n the fam

”
i ly o f a m an th at was h anged Th e app li ca .

tio n i s obvi ou s .

’
It we re well to re m emb e r to o that on e s ai lm en ts
, ,

are neve r m atte r o f p u bl i c i nterest an d s el f an d ,

its b elo ngi ngs sho u ld n eve r fo rm a p ro m i ne nt part

’
i n o n e s c o nve rsatio n I t i s opti on al with a gu est
.

whether o r n ot he wi ll atte n d chu rch with h is hosts .

N o wo rld ly eti quette i m p oses h i s p resenc e b u t i t i s ,

u su ally felt to b e m o re c o nsi de rate fo r gu ests to

attend ch u rch i f p r o visi o n i s m ad e to take the m
th ere .

I f vis ito rs h ave accep ted o u tsid e i nvitati o ns b e

fo re thei r arrival —wh i ch i s o ften th e c ase whe n
,

m aki n g vi si ts i n town — they shou ld m ention th e

,

fact to th ei r ho stess as so on as co nveni ent th at ,

’
no ne o f t h at l ady s pl an s b e u nsettled and that
t h ei r goi n g m ay be a rran ged fo r .

G u ests sho u l d n ot al low the i r h osts to i nc u r

n eed less expen s e i n thei r behal f They sho u ld .

i n a city pay thei r own c ar fare s c ab — h i res and

-
, ,

exp ress charges ; b ut i f th e h ost wi ll n ot p erm it

thi s i t i s i n better taste to yi el d th e p o i nt tha n to
,

i nsist u po n i t .

A lth ou gh th e d esk o f a gu est roo m i s u su ally -

p rovided with note pape r with the fam i ly c rest

-

o r the n am e o f the ho u s e u po n it and all n e ,

c e s s arie s fo r letter wri tin g gu ests wil l be d isc ri m

-
,

3 00
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IO N S

n eve r by c hanc e refers to h is geo l ogi cal S pec i “

”
m e n s as sto n es . E ve ry se rvant i s he r d evote d
s lave S he re mem bers the m all by n am e h as a
. ,

b ri ght wo rd fo r each a nd he r way o f thanki n g o ne

,
!

see m s to c onfer an obli gati o n .

The re is a u nive rsal p rotest whe n the ti m e

c o m es fo r he r d ep artu re b u t she h as always m ad e
,

a n e ngageme nt elsewhere w h ich we s u spe ct i s

,

i nte nti o n ally p rearran ged l est s h e be ove r pe r -

s u ad e d to wear h e r welco m e o u t .

Thi s last i d ea i s to be c o m men ded A p rovi so ry .

so rt o f en gagem ent m ad e s o as to b e a l ittle el as

,

’
ti c en ables o n e to p rol on g o n e s vi sit i f i t b e re ally
, ,

d esi red by all pa rti es o r w i ll se rve as a reaso n fo r

,

n ot accepti ng i f we wi sh to go o r o u r i n vitati o n
, ,

s ee m m e r ely p rom pted by p ol iteness .

A b it o f senti ment i n the fo rm o f a gu est “

b ook i s s om eti m es th e fad o f a hostess O n e .

sh o u ld welco m e any oppo rtu n ity to give h er

pleasu re .

In case o f a p rotracted vi si t where the gu est fits ,

i nto th e fa m i ly l ife o ne n eed s to obse rve al l the

,

little co u rtesi es even m o re care fully t h a n i f o ne

were to m ake a bri efe r stay N ot the l east am o n g
.

obl igati o ns i s the frequent sel f e ffacem ent to give -

,

th e h ou sehol d th e o pp ortu nity o f privacy .

’
Th e feei ng o f serva nts u po n on e s d epartu re
’
T i p p i n g fro m a friend s hou se s eem s to som e to
th e be i n q u esti on abl e taste b u t i t has b e
s e rv a n t s com e an almost u niversal c u stom an d
,

p ri nci pl es m u s t so meti mes m ake co n cessi ons to

30 2
 THE DUTIE S O F A GUE S T

p o p u l arity whe re no qu esti o n o f ri ght and wrong

i s i nvolved .

I n E nglan d the om is s i on o f the c u sto m wou l d

be regarded as a n evi den c e o f p arsi mony o r of
i gno rance an d i t m u s t be c o nfesse d that hu man
, ,

n atu re bei n g what i t i s wo rk i s d o ne with bette r

,

grace an d wi th le s s care to the h osts whe n self

i nte rest s u pp li es a sp u r .

It i s so m eti m es a m atter of e mbarrass ment to

know j u st how m u c h one o u ght to gi ve It is a .

p retty safe ru le that i f a wom an h as sp ent a few d ays

’
o r a week at a friend s h ou s e a d ollar m ay b e gi ven,

to the ho u se m aid who h as c ared fo r h er room an d ,

i f she h as given personal s e rvice b rus h i ng gowns , ,

b ri ngin g the b reakfast tray etc — a d oll ar and a

-
,
.

h al f at least a nd two d oll ars at most will be su f

fi c ie n t. S o m eti mes the m ai d o f the h ostess per
fo rms these s e rvi ces fo r the gu est i n whi ch cas e ,

a d oll ar sho u ld be give n he r and o ne to the h ou se

m ai d A ny extra service shou ld b e recognized by
.

an additi on al half d ollar A s ingle wo man rarely

-
.

”
tips the b u tl e r bu t she sho u ld remembe r the
,

co ach man who drives h er to th e station F i fty .

cen ts o r a d ollar m ay be give n h i m according to ,

h i s servi ce d u ri ng her visit .

A bachelo r gives a d ol lar to th e ho u sem ai d i f ,

he se es he r befo re h e goes o r someti m es l eaves it

,

fo r h er i n h is roo m i f he please He wo uld not .

give less than a d ollar and a hal f to th e valet o r ,

two to th e b u tle r who h a s b rushed his cloth es ,

d rawn his b ath lai d o u t h is clothes etc Th e

, , .

3 03
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

co ach m an sho u l d receive a d oll ar and the gro o m ,

hal f th at s u m i f the vi sito r h as rid d e n o r d ri ven

,

ab o u t the co u nt ry .

When the vi si to rs are h u sband an d wi fe the ,

wi fe wo u ld gi ve a d ollar an d a h alf to two d ol l a rs

to th e ho u sem aid an d the hu sban d fro m two to
, ,

five d ol lars to the b utle r i f h e h as received s p e ci al

servi ce fro m h i m and to the coachm an a d ollar o r
,

two acco rd in g to th e d em ands that h ave bee n

,

m ade u po n h i m A do ll ar i s som eti m es sen t to

.

the cook es peci ally i f sh e i s known to be val u ed

,

b y thei r entertai ners .

’
O n e s ho u ld e nd eavo r i n ti m ing o n e s d ep a rt u re
, ,

’
to m ake as l ittl e trou bl e a s possible fo r o n e s host ,

whose c o nven i enc e m ay b e bette r co n

s id e re d i n th e choi ce of o n e trai n th an

an othe r S ho u ld i t be neces s ary to

.

take an ea rly t rai n it i s c onsi d erate fo r a wo m an

,

gu est to u rge her h ostess not to rise earl i e r tha n

h er h ab it i s b u t to let h e r say good bye th e n i ght
,
-

befo re and tru st to th e goo d o ffices o f so me t ru sty

,

s ervant to see he r o ff A m an vi sito r wo ul d take

.

thi s fo r granted and b i d h is hostess and her fam i ly

,

farewell befo re reti ri n g fo r th e n ight .

’
Whe n tak i ng leave o f o ne s hosts ad ieu x sho u l d ,

be sai d to e ac h m embe r o f the fam ily and farewel l ,

m essages se nt to any wh o m ay not b e p resent .

There i s a s u ggesti o n that o u ght not to be re

qu i red an d yet i s of s u ch im portanc e that i t
,

were b e s t perhaps n ot to o m it i ts m entio n

, , .

I t i s th at a gu est shou l d hold sac red anyth in g

3 04
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

u s I f these th ree grace s of charity u n s e l fi s h

.
“
,

n ess an d co u rtesy acc o mp any a gu est th e s uccess

, ,

o f the vis it wil l be a fo rego ne co nclu si o n .

I t i s a gracefu l act s o it be gracefu lly d o n e

’ ’
to send o ne s hostess a t ri fl in g gi ft soo n after o ne s
,

retu rn ho me —so methi n g o f wh ich th e attracti o n

,

d oe s n ot c o nsist i n intri n s ic val u e b u t i n th e i nte r

,

est o r pleas u re that i t m ay i nspi re , a bo ok a ,

’
p iec e o f m u si c a cl ever gam e o r a bi t o f o ne s
, ,

own h an d iwo rk It sho u ld seem to be p ro m pted

.

’
by ple asant remi nisc e nt tho u ghts o f o ne s vi sit ,

an d n eve r s u gge s t the id ea of the p aym ent o f a

deb t .
 é
C p T é — —
'

o t e r w e n t z e t O U T OF -
DO O R

E N T E RTA I N M E N T S

N m any o f th e s m all towns of G e r

m any the i nh abitants m ake little
u s e o f the i r d i ni n g—roo ms th e ,

whole s u m me r th ro u gh except ,

when i t rai ns ; b u t every bit of

gard en if n ot m u ch large r th an a po cket h an d k e r
,
-

c hi ef i s tu rne d i nto a b anqu eti ng hall h u n g with

,
-

’
N atu re s own tap estry .

I n d rivi ng by o ne sees fam ily gro u ps maki ng

, ,

h o mely p i ctu res of th e mselves th at re mai n amon g

th e pl eas u res o f m em o ry .

The Ital i ans are s up re mel y fo nd of al fresco

e nte rtai n me nts and i n F ranc e n o reso rt i s mo re
,

pop u l ar d u ri ng the sp ri n g and s u m me r than t h e

e ncl osed garden s wh ere s itti n g u n de r the trees
,

o ne enj oys so m e l i ght refecti o n whi le l isteni ng to

the m usi c of a good o rchestra .

The love o f co u ntry li fe i s growi ng i n A me ri ca

-
,

and of al l delightful ways o f showi ng hosp ital ity

no ne i s so c h ar m in g and withal s o i nexpensive
,

as an o u t d oo r fete and yet how co m paratively

-
,

rare are s uch e ntertai n ments .

G affe “
It i s i n E n gland that the garden p arty
p art i e s
fl o u ri she s best i n sp ite o f the cl i
,

m ate I t i s but an afte rnoo n tea with the lovely

.
,

3 07
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O N S

b ackgro u nd o f l eaves an d blosso ms an d o pe n to ,

al l the p e rfu me l ade n ai rs o f h eave n

-
.

A lawn o r garde n p arty m ay be as s i mpl e and

i nfo rmal o r as el abo rate as the hostess m ay e le ct .

’
O n e m ay b e a l aw u nto o n e s self si nce the co n ,

ve n t io n al it ie s h ave n ot bee n c od i fied a s yet .

G oo d taste wo u l d s ee m to excl u d e the p arap her

n al i a o f arti fici al l ife an d a retu rn as n ear as m ay
,

b e to p asto ral s i mpli c i ty wo u ld not o n ly c h arm

by its novelty b u t s ati sfy o ne s sense o ffitness ’

~
.

If o n e h ave a well ke pt l awn n o m atte r h ow-

,

s m all ,
tho u gh a large o ne i s bette r
-
a pl easan t ,

l awn p a rty m ay b e give n with every ass u rance o f

s u ccess S pread r u gs abo u t o n th e grass an d
.

gro u p c o m fortable ch ai rs and littl e tabl es he re

and the re with a vi ew to c osey soci ab i li ty L et
, .

each table h ave its c e ntrep ie ce of blo ss o ms ,

clover d ai sies o r b utte rc u ps are best

, , A gayly .

”
cap ari son ed ham mo ck p i led with kalei d oscop i c ,

c ushions will give a d ash o f color to the s cene

,

as well as a hi nt o f i nfo rm ality .

A card s ho ul d be enclosed wi th the i nvi tati on s ,

givi ng fu ll p artic u lars abo u t trai ns — if fri en ds

fro m a dis tance are b idden — an d givi ng assu r
anc e that carri ages wi ll b e i n waiting The wo rd s .

”
G ard en Party are engraved i n o ne co rne r o f th e
i nvitatio n o r u n less th e a f
, , fai r be large an d cere
m o n io u s it i s bette r written
,
.

The guests a re d rive n to the front do o r ; thei r

co ach men are d i recte d whe re to go by a ser
van t wh o aid s th e ladies to d is m o u nt and a
, ,

308
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L O CCA S I O NS

o n the h e ad n eed b u t the ad d iti o n o f m any

,

stri ngs o f h e ad s to m ake the costu m e of the tra

d itio n al G itan a A swarthy co mplexio n m ay b e
.

i m itate d wi th waln u t j u ice that c om es p repared ,

fo r the p u rpose A b o ok by D e s b aro l l e s wi ll

.

give the ne cessary i nstru cti o n nee ded to pe rsu ade

th e yo u n g p eop l e th at th e stars i n the i r cou rs es
wi l l fi gh t fo r them .

F o r the el ders a l ittl e m u si c heard th ro u gh th e

op e n wi ndows of th e d rawi ng roo m will be a -

pleasant a cco m pan i m ent to th e c o n ve rs atio n i f

‘

n oth in g m ore A sm al l o rchestra u n de r a m ar

.

qu ee o r o n the p i azz a ad ds o f co u rse m u ch gayety

, ,

to the sce ne A t a l ittl e d i s tance o ff u nde r the

.
,

t rees there sho u l d be s mal l tables s u ppl ie d with

,

lem on ad e an d wi n e cu p o r pu nch to w hi c h the

-
,

guests m ay h ave reco u rse at any tim e .

A s a l awn p a rty i s u su ally given betwe en the

ho u rs o f fo u r and si x o r five and seve n P M th e .

Th e
re freshm ents sh o u l d be li ght i n ch arac

re f r e s h ter si nc e i t i s p resu m able th at u p o n

,

m e nt s
the i r retu rn ho m e th e gu est s w il l d i n e
or sup .

Th ree o r fo u r m ai d s in black d resses with wh ite

,

cap s an d ap ro n s m ay either se rve the l i ght repast

,

at l ittl e tab les wh ere fri end s m ak e u p p arties to s it

to gether o r p ass th i ngs a r o u nd as at a d anc e
, ,

su pp e r su p pl ie d fro m a l arge tabl e

, A l l the .

d ishes sho u ld be cold C onso m mé l obste r o r

.
,

ch i cke n sal ad t oothso m e s andwi ches i ces cakes

, , , ,

an d bonbons with th e fru i ts in season are all that

, ,

3 10
 O U T -
O F —D O O R ENTERTAINM ENTS

i s neces sary b u t o ne m ay ampl i fy the men u as

,

o n e ple ases S o m e you n g gi rls m ay assist i n

.

p o u ri n g o ut th e tea ch ocolate o r s ervi ng the , ,

c offee frappé whi ch th e yo u ng m en p resent wil l

,

th e m o re wi lli ngly pass aro u nd i f received at

thei r fai r h ands The p ossi bili ty o f rai n m ust b e
.

plan ned fo r S e rvants sho u ld be i nstru cted to serve

.

everythi n g as d ai nti l y as i n th e d i ni ng room The -

.

’
c o ach me n o f on e s vi sito rs m u st not be fo rgotten .

A s th e shad ows len gthe n an d the ai r grows

freshe r th e l azy c o ntent that has h eld the co m
,

p any i n thral l u su ally gives way to a B e fo r

e
m o re ene rgetic feeling an d som e m e rry t ak i n g ,

gam e m ay fi nd favo r an d d raw the l e av e

gu ests pl easantly togethe r .

A t a recent fete ch amp etre eight p retty girls ,

d ressed i n old ti m e fi ne ry that was a fam ily hei r

-

lo om d anced a stately m i n u et o n the greensward

,

to th e strai ns o f a s ingle vi olin played by a r u stic

lo oki ng yo u th with c ro ss garte red h ose large white -
,

c olla r long lovelocks !o f h em p ) and co nical

, ,

b road bri m m ed hat d ecked with m any colored

-
,
-

ribbo ns Th e e ffect was a b it o f sylvan m ed i as

.

V al is m ; b ut the cl i max o f enj oym ent was reached

whe n all p resent yo u ng and old j oi ned i n a merry

, ,

co ntradance m ore fam il i arly known as the V i r

,
“

gi ni a R eel and the s m iles d i d not fade fro m th e

,

faces of the c omp any u ntil lon g afte r the good

byes had bee n spoken .

The A t h e ni ans o f old were neve r m ore eage r

”
to se e an d hear so m e new thing than are
31 !
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

the p eop le o f th i s m od e rn rep u bli c Th e re .

s o u rces o f o u t o fd o o r ente rtai n i ng still wait thei r

- -

d evelop m ent .

In th i s age o f gold qu ite a d i fferent th i ng fro m

,

the gold e n age i t i s p leasant to th i nk that o ne

,

o f th e m ost d eli ghtfu l fo rm s of e nte rtai n

P i cn ic s
m e nt i s e as i ly wi th i n the re ach of n early
eve rybo dy .

M othe r N atu re ope ns wi d e he r arm s to al l he r

c hi ld ren grac io u s alike to ri ch and p oo r an d
, ,

i nvi te s them all to frol i c o n h e r ca pac i o u s l ap A .

p i c n ic m ay co n s ist m erely of a l i ttle gro u p o f

fri en dly n ei ghbo rs who m eet to enj oy a l u ncheo n
,

togethe r i n so m e ple as ant leafy no ok o ut o f ,

d oo rs e ach m e mber fill i ng th e rdl e o f both hostess

,

an d gu est s i nce each m ake s a contributi o n to th e

,

feast O r a n e ntertai n ment m ay b e gi ve n p re

.
,

si d ed ove r by a F rench chef with l iveri ed se rvants ,

i n atte nd ance an d all the d el i cacies of th e fo u r

,

season s fro m th e fo u r qu arter s o f the globe d is

pl ayed to te mpt th e appetite .

The i d eal p icn i c howeve r s h ou l d h ave th e

, ,

ch arm o f th i ngs p ri m itive and r ustic ; anyth ing

su ggesti ve o f l u xu ry a nd artifi c ial ity sho u ld b e
bani shed .

The best ti m e to ch o ose fo r su ch an o uti ng is

l ate sp ri n g o r early s u m me r when cl ear ski e s m ay ,

b e reas on ably co u nted u po n and the ai r i s fill ed

'

with co ol ness an d fragrance L ate r the d ewy .

,

fresh ness wi ll h ave gon e and p arched vegetati on , ,

d usty ro ads an d the persi stent h u m o f i nsec ts

,

312
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

m i shaps see the bri ght sid e of everyth in g an d

, ,

are not afrai d of a li ttle wo rk Th e pleasantest .

res u lts foll ow whe n the c o mpany are

nearly o f th e s am e age Whe re th e party .

i s com p osed o f yo u n g p eop le a m erry ,

c hapero n o r two wh o h ave kn own h o w to grow

,

ol d with o ut fo rgetti n g that they h ave been yo u ng ,

wi ll ad d to th e ple as u re of all thei r wi ts an d ,

expe ri ence bei ng of co u rse at the se rvi ce o f th ei r

, ,

yo u ng ch arges O n e s hou ld be s u itably cloth ed

.

i n o rde r to enj oy a p i cn ic — no fashi o n able fu r ,

belo w s bu t so d ressed as to be u tte rly u n co nsc i o us

,
’
o f on e s cloth es .

O f co u rse m ost o f the p reparatio ns fo r the

feast are m ad e i n advance an d all m ay b e p acke d
,

the ni ght be fo re except the sand w i ch es

, ,
T h e fe as t
wh ich m u st be freshly m ad e C o ld .

b i rds o r p o u l try sho u ld b e c ut i n conveni e nt mo r

sels each wrapped se parately i n o i led pape r and
,

served with a c ris p lett u ce sal ad N oth in g i s m o re .

u n iver s ally pop u l ar at a pi cni c than a vegetable

s al ad . The m ore i ngred ients the be tter is th e ,

res ult This as an acco mpani ment to a d eli cate

.
,

c old b oiled h am is usu ally relished O l ives and

,
.

pi ckles are welco me additions Hard b oiled eggs .

-

belon g to pic n ic traditi o ns C ream cheese with .

cu rrant j el ly an d c ri sp cracke rs is a toothsom e

co mb in ati on an d everythi ng eaten o ut of d oo rs
,

h as a su peri o r fl avo r .

C o ffee m ad e o n the spot appeals stro ngly by i ts

deliciou s arom a to the i m agi n ati on as wel l as to
3 14
 O U T- O F —D O O R ENTERTAINM ENT S

the ap petite A fi re i s m ade between two p i les o f

.

sto nes and the co ffee p ot b al anced betwe en

,
-
.

C akes re q u i re spec i ally tende r treatm ent —a ,

sod de n mass with c ru mbs adhe ri n g i s th e resu lt

o f any carelessn es s Th ey sho u ld b e p acked i n
.

b oxes an d stu ffed abo u t with tissu e p ap er to keep

, ,

the m i m m ovable Pies are n ot to be re c o m

.

m e nded E ven th e heartiest appetite shu n s them

.

i f thei r sym m etry is l ost an d they are m ost d if ,

fi c u l t of adj u stm ent i n a l u n cheon basket .

F ru it o f all ki nds n u ts and rais i n s m ake a , ,

su ffic i ently d ai nty d essert .

Th e foo d m u st l ook attractive and te mpti ng o r ,

o ne i s apt to gro w fa s ti d io u s even w i th a p i cn i c ,

app etite .

Th e m i lk of co u rse i s carried i n b ottle s as

, , ,

m ay be also i ced co ffee wine — cu p etc al l well , , .

,

co rked — and d on t fo rget the c o rkscrew ! The

’

i c e is carri ed i n a b ag I t i s b est to u se as few .

di she s as po ssi ble depe n d i ng u po n the leaves fo r

,

”
plates i n tru e me rry greenwood styl e o r the
“
,

l ittl e th i n woo den pi e plates m ay be p refe rred -

J apanese p ape r napki n s are a g reat conveni enc e .

If t h e yo u ng me n o f th e party b e energeti c and

amb itio u s they m ay ea rn th e gratitu de o f the
,

co m pany by givi ng the m a clam roast o r cooki ng -

,

fish i n the d el ic iou s m anne r known to the A d i

ro n d ac k gu i des A fte r the fish h as bee n cleaned
.

and prep ared the cooking is a ve ry si mp le m atte r

, .

'

A piece o f butter sho u ld b e p u t i nsi d e the fish ,

wh ich salted an d p eppered i s the n c are fu lly

, ,
ETIQ U ETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IO NS

w rapp ed i n wh ite p ape r N ext d i p h alf a news .

,

p ap e r i n wate r an d w ri ngi ng i t o u t wrap the fish

, ,

i n it b ru s h away the c o als l ay the fis h o n th e

, ,

h ot sto nes and c ove r it w ith ashes

,
A s m any . .

m i n utes are req u i re d to cook i t as the fis h m eas

u re s i n ches i n length an d five mo re The res u l t
, .

w il l be a d ish fit fo r th e go ds .

Those w h o have not bee n i niti ated i nto th e

myste ri es of cl am ro astin g m ay b e glad to learn
the m fro m an ol d s alt whose tale nts are i n
“

great re p u te A c i rcl e o f stones s ho u ld be l ai d o n

.

the gro u n d o r bette r th e ti re of a s m all wheel

, , , ,

and the cl am s wed ged s o ti ghtly togeth e r i n i t ,

!z inger up w a r d that the j u i ces cannot esc ap e

, A .

q u ick brisk fi re i s the n b u ilt atop o f the c lam s

, ,

and a few m i n utes s u ffi c e to bri ng th e m to per

fe c tio n B u tte r melted i n th e hot sh ells s alt
.
, ,

peppe r and a few d rops o f l em o n j u i c e m ake th e

,

best sa u c e .

The re are s om e co nve ni en ces th at ad d greatly

to th e pleasu re o f a p ic ni c th at a little fo reth ou ght
”
m ay e asi ly su pply The fl owe ry tu rf .
“
,

i n l i eu o f a table s ou nd s attractive but , ,

i n reality th e gro u nd u np rep ared is apt

”
to be a l ittle u neven and b u m py A few board s
“
.

of eq u al le ngth an d fou r em pty starch boxes sent -

,

to the chosen spot befo re the arrival of the party ,

may b e u sed to i m provise a l ow table at wh i ch ,

o ne m ay sit co mfo rtably o n th e gro u nd The fo u r .

boxes fo rm i n g th e co rn ers m ay b e con nected by

fo u r boards u po n whi ch th e others may be l aid
,

316
C fi ap t e r Tw e n ty z r r t — WO M E N
f
'

- '
S

DR ES S

O d ress wel l i s an art an d al l w o ,

men are n ot a rti sts b u t to d ress ,

app rop ri ately to the oc casi o n i s a

possi bl e ac qu i rem ent fo r eve ry o ne ,

and acc o rd i ng to th e ol d E n gl ish

,

p rove rb ,
all i s fi ne th at i s fit It is a com m en d
.

able and legiti m ate i nsti n ct to wish to app e ar to

advantage an d n o o n e c an d o ubt that b ec om i ng
,

c lothes are an adj u nc t i n o u r e fforts to p lease I t .

’
go es b eyo n d van ity O n e s cl oth es are an expr e s
.

’
s i o n o f o n e s self a revelati o n o fch aracte r taste
, , ,

p osi ti o n m ean s — and the m any m ust j u dge u s

, ,

c hi efly by external s .

A tru ly refined wom an wo u ld rath e r follow th an

lead a fash i on an d sh e i s n ot well d ressed wh o
,

A w eu _
se em s hers el f to b e seco nd ary to her
d re s s e d cl othes A s an arti st s u its th e fram e to
.

W ° m an h i s p i ctu re that it m ay bri n g o ut its b est

poi nts neve r allowi n g i t to ove rshadow wh at h e
,

h as bee n at p ains to express and attract attentio n,

to itself so i s a wo m an neve r really well d ressed

,

i f the beholde r th i nks o f her cloth es rath e r than

o f he r
.

F ashio n an d art have li ttl e i n c om m on b u t ,

D u Mau ri er G i bson and other kni ghts o f th e brush

, ,

318
 W O M EN ’
S DRE S S

h ave shown the ms elves m aste rs o f th e art o f ad apt

i ng an d mod i fyi n g the fashi o ns o f the d ay i nto
gracefu l wom anly garme nts that a re artisti c
e no u gh to b e b eau ti fu l fo r yea rs to co me The .

p ri nc ip les of thei r art m ay wel l be stu di ed by

wo men of all ages .

O n e of th e fu nd ame ntal l aws o f goo d taste i n

d ress is that th e l i nes o f th e garm ent shou ld fo l
low the co nto u r o f th e hu m an fo rm What a .

c alam i ty we sh ou ld fee l it i f N atu re h ad m ade u s

as F ashi o n m akes u s appear ! The h u ge sleeves ,

th e b u stles h oops and now th e strai ght fron t

, ,
-

bod ice padded often j u st above th e waist l i n e and

so d isto rti n g wh at th e C re ato r ap p roved as very
go od ,
th ese i mp eac h wom anly i ntelli gen ce .

Why m u st i t b e th at a fash io n sh al l h ave p assed

befo re we d iscove r i ts absu rdity ? Why to o d o , ,

we all follow th e sam e models n o m atte r how ,

tasteless an d u nbeco m i n g they m ay be ? O ne

write r u nitin g wit and co m mo n sense advises th at
,
-
,

a wo man sho u ld n o m o re accept a b on n et that

i s u nb eco m in g becau se i t i s th e fash io n th an “

sh e wo u l d accep t a h u sband b ec a u se th at i s the

style o f m an they are m arryi ng this sp ri ng
F rance o n e d oes not se e s u ch u ni fo rm ity .

T h e greate r variety m ay b e d u e to the fact th at

t he re th e wo rki ng wo men d o n o t ap e thei r soci al

su p e r io rs b ut have a n eat beco mi ng an d tastefu l

, , ,

atti re bel onging to the i r own station that e ntitl es

, ,

the m to thei r sel f res pect and that of o the rs O n e

-
.

so m eti mes s igh s fo r the su mptu a ry laws o f the o ld

3 19
 ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS ION S

p atern al gove rn m ents wh en o n e sees a wom an i n ,

a street car grote s qu ely overdre ss ed We re the .

sh am elegan ce real a c oach and live ri ed s er ,

vants wo u ld b e i n ke ep i n g with he r atti re Th e .

”
vu lgarity o f i t j u mp s to the eyes as the F re nch
“
,

e xp ress i t The sec ret o f mu ch bad d ressing i s

.

th at i t i s the obj ec t of m ost wo m e n to p rovi d e

“

the m s elves wi th ap parel th at sh al l n o t d en ote thei r

s tati on b u t the stati o n o f somebody ri
,

bette r placed .

I n the street el ab o r ate d ressi ng i s always i n

bad taste The ol d r u l e. D ress so as to p ass ,
“

”
S t re e t u nobserve d seem s to have ch anged to ,

d re s s . D ress s o as to challen ge ad m i rati on

“

m ° m in g ”
o r attenti on but a gentlewo m an w ho ,

c an affo rd to d ress expens ively wo u l d h ave he r

c arri age to d ri ve i n .

A costu m e o f d ark cloth rou gh o r s m ooth wi th , ,

a beco m i n g hat n ot to o l arge stou t b oots an d

, ,

d o g ski n gloves wo rn rathe r loose is the fashi o n

-
, ,

able m o rn i n g atti re fo r th e street i n wi nte r A .

’
wom an s appearan ce m u st su ggest that qu al i ty
exp ressed i n the s la n g o f the d ay as wel l “

”
gro om ed F o r sho pp i ng m o rni n g c lasses
.
, .

ch arity m eeti n gs o r i n fo rm al visiti ng s u ch d ress

, ,

is app rop ri ate .

I t i s an u nwritten law am ong wo me n o f assu red ,

positi on that o ne sho ul d d ress si mply when p ass

,

i n g th ro u gh the s hops o r i n a M ui ?
r c rowd
Lanywhe re
-
A sid e fro m th e qu esti on o f good taste
.
,

ri ch and showy garm ents aro u se th e e nvy and

3 20
 ETIQUETTE F O R A L L O CCAS I O N S

I n h e r c arri age a wo m an may b e as fi ne as sh e

please — j e w els only are debarre d by d ayl i ght ,

excep t where the i r m ani fest u se i s thei r exc u se

j o r bei n g
L F o r ch u rch a wo man s d ress wh i le s u itab le to
.

’
,

he r m e ans an d stati o n sh o u ld be s o i n co nsp icu o u s

,

as to p rove n o di stracti o n to h e r fel

D r e s s at low wo rshi pp e rs and neve r s u ggest
-
,
c h u rc h
even by its ta s tefu l ness th at i t h as
occ u pied he r tho u gh ts ove rm u ch H e r cloth c al l .

i n g gown i f d ark wi th a s i m pler bod i c e a nd hat

-
, , ,

wo u ld b e app ropri ate i n wi nte r A bsol ute neat .

ness th e fi rst requ i si te i n d ress at all ti m e s s ee m s

, ,

m o re th an eve r i nc u m bent at ch u rch So me .

’
wo men s neat appear anc e s u ggest s p u ri ty o f s o u l ,

an o u tward si gn of an i nward grace .

Th e hostess at a recepti on as wel l as th ose ,

who ai d her i n rece ivin g he r gu ests wear hi gh ,

Re c e p t i o n necked lo n g sleeve
, d gown s o
-
f s i lk ,

an d sati n l ac e velvet o r very pal e cl oth

, , , ,

V i s it in g
m ad e wi th trai n and th e bod i ce b e
d re s s c o m in gl y tri m m ed J ewels are wo rn .
,

bu t they sho u l d not be co nspic u ou sly p ro m i

n ent as they may b e at a ball O f cou rse they
, .
,

d o n ot we a r h ats and i t i s o ptio nal whether o r

,

not to wear gloves I t i s tho u ght by m any th at

.

the hostess shows c o u rtesy by d isc ard in g t h em .

A déb u tante general ly we ars wh ite and he r as ,

s is t an ts l i ght col o re d gowns of ch i ffo n o r othe r

-

filmy transparent goods m ade with hi gh b od i ces

, ,

an d l on g sleeves .

22
3
 W O M EN ’
S DRES S

The g u ests wear street co stu m es o f cloth light ,

o r d ark o r carri age d ress of ve lvet si lk

, o r what , ,

ever F ashi o n s c ap ri c e d ictates —wi th bec o m i ng

’
,

hats and bon n ets rem ovi n g thei r wraps i n the h all
,

o r i n a n u pp e r ro o m Whi te o r l i ght gloves and

.

d ress shoes are i m portant accesso ri es .

F o r an even i n g recepti o n th e hostes s and her

gu ests we a r d i n ne r gowns d écolletés of wh ite , , ,

gray o r colo red s ilk s atin o r velvet o r lace gown s

, , , ,

white o r bl ac k with j ewels an d h ai r carefu lly

, ,

d ressed Wh ite gloves and sli ppe rs co mplete the

.

co stu m e The hostess do es not wear gloves

.
.

’
A t wo men s lu ncheon s street costu m e i s wo rn
by th e gu ests walki n g d re ss at a s m all l u ncheo n
, ,

and vis iti ng atti re at a l ar ge el abo rate

fu nctio n The hostess always sh ows
.

goo d taste i n d ressing so mewh at m o re

s i m ply than he r g u ests S he of co u rs e wears .
, ,

n e ithe r h at no r gloves .

Te a gown s despite the nam e are not wo rn at

-
, ,

teas n o r i s any se m i loose garm ent s u itabl e i n

,
-

wh i ch to appear i n p u bl ic They o ri gi n ated at .

E nglish co u ntry h ou ses and were fo u nd co nveni e nt

-
,

t o sli p o n after retu rn i n g fro m ri d e o r d rive befo re

d res si n g fo r d i nner Th e h o u se party wo u ld m eet
.

fo r a fte rnoo n tea an d i f c al lers d ropp ed in th e

, ,

i nfo rmal ity of the o ccasi o n excu sed the negl i g ee .

I n A me ri c a they are wo rn o ccasionally by l ad i es

wh o receive every week i n th e season o r at ve ry ,

s m al l l u ncheons and are s upp o s ed to i ndicate

,

g reat i nfo rmality .

323
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IO NS

F o r d ays at h o m e gi rls an d yo u ng m arrie d

“

wo me n wea r p al e sh ad es o f cloth w ith p retty b od

D re s s fo r i ces li ght s iks C hi n a c r ep es o r li ght
, , ,

D ay s at b od ic es o f s ilk o r chi ffo n with d ark

H° w e "
°

sk i rts F o r o l der wom e n F ashi o n s

.
’

p resent ed i ct i m poses d ressy b l ac k g o w n s of net

and i n all vari eti es bu t always m ad e with h i gh ,

necked bo d i ces o r s i m p le s i lk o r s atin gown s wo rn

,

w ith lace fi c h u s .

”
F u l l d ress m eans a gown with l ow neck and
s hort s leeves i rresp ecti ve of elegance I t i s wo rn
, .

at b alls the o pe ra d in ners m u si c als

F u ll d re s s
, , , ,

and other eve ni n g entertain m ents at

private h o u ses M any p e rso ns we ar fu l l d res s
.

’
al w ays i n th e evenin gs A fte r six o clo ck i t i s
.

c o rrect n eve r be fore

,
.

F o r a b all th e essenti al qu ality o f a gown i s

i ts fresh ness . S i m pl icity o fte n gives an add ed
D r e s s fo r
‘ ch arm i f th e we arer
,
is yo u thfu l To .

b all s an d th e m arri ed wo men shou ld be le ft the

d an c e s si lks and sati ns b rocades and velvets , ,

the sp an gled laces an d e mb roi d e re d c r epes .

D ai nty d i aph ano u s m ate ri als are m ost bec om ing

,

to yo u n g faces Wh ite o rgand i e chi ffon m ou s

.
, ,

seli ne d e s o ie tu ll e and C hi na c r ep e are s om e of

, ,

th e gossam e r fab ri cs that led one e nth u si ast to re

m ark th at thei r wearers s eem ed th e con necti n g “

”
l ink betwee n wo me n and an gels !
G i rl s wear i n th ei r hai r natu ral o r artific i al fl owe rs ,

gau zy— wi n ged b utte rfli es o r tied bows of ribbon o r

ch i ffo n ; m arried women j ewels and ostrich tips , .

3 24
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S ION S

C o nsi deratio n fo r oth ers h a s b an i sh ed hats an d

bo n nets fro m t h e theatre Those wh o we ar the m
.

u po n e nteri ng rem ove the m befo re th e c u rtai n

rises and thos e who c o m e i n carri ages h ave thei r
,

h ai r c are fully d ress ed and wear o pe ra clo aks -

.

H ats are stil l wo rn i n boxes .

F o r large d i n ne rs wom e n rese rve the i r fi nest

frocks They are s u bj ect to close r i nspecti o n a n d
.
,

risk no d efaceme nt as at d ances L ow .

neck and sho rt s leeves are wo rn u ni

v e rs al l y e xcept by elderly o r d el i c ate
,

wo me n who c ove r n eck and arms wi th so m e

,

b eco m i n g arran gem ent o f l ac e o r chi ffo n Patent .

l eathe r o r s ati n s lip pers a nd white gloves are wo rn .

T he latte r are removed at table an d res u med i n ,

the d rawi n g room o r n ot as o ne pl ease s

-
.

F o r i nfo rm al d i nners th e p rese nt fash io n eva

n es c e n t as al l fashi ons are — is fo r gowns o f bl ack
,

tu l l e j etted o r spangled b l ack l ace o r sati n with

, ,

l ace tri m med bod i ces o r e l abo rate waists o f l ac e

-
,

o r c h i ffo n are wo rn with ski rts of ri ch silk s ati n , ,

o r velvet
. .

Yo u ng gi rls m ake a d isti ncti o n i n th ei r d ress fo r

l ittle d i n ne rs by wearin g l ace o r ch i ffon sl eeves to
,

the wrist with l ow necke d gowns

,
-
.

A gai n l et i t b e repeated th at th e hostess sh ou ld

be very ca refu l th at she does not o utd res s he r
gu ests .

A t ho m e a wom an sh o u ld b e g u id ed i n he r
m anne r o f d ressi n g by an eve n greater d esi re to
p lease t han elsewh ere H er h
. u sb and m ay be the
26
3
 W O M EN ’
S DRE S S

le a st obs e rvant o f m en b u t h e wi ll k no w wh e n sh e
,

lo oks neat and attractive wi th h ai r ,

n ewly d ressed and so me b eco m i n g ar

range ment abo u t the bod i ce of h e r
gown The p ractice o f weari n g so i led fi nery at
.

h om e c ann ot be to o stron gly d ep recated .

N othi ng can b e too si m p le fo r th e m o r n i n g .

M arri ed wo m e n o nly are p rivi leged to wear a

wrap pe r at b re akfast and the privi lege is ab used
,

if its fresh n ess be not ve ry evi de nt A fte r twe lve .

’
o clock noo n th e wrap pe r shou ld d i sap pear a l a
, ,

C i nderella Tea go w ns a re also a m onop oly o f

.
-

the m arri ed .

I t i s a reversal o f th e traditi on s and p rop rieti es

when a m oth er d resses h er dau ghters i n a m o re
e xp ensive style than h erself A yo u n g M o t h e r s .

gi rl rarely s ees ch arm in s i m p l i city and an d ,

d oes n ot know that s he is loveli er wi th d au gh t e r s

o u t o rn am e nt O n e i s you ng bu t o nce I n F ranc e

. .
,

where the revere nt ad m i rati on o f the j e u n e fi l l e

am o u nts al most to a c u lt sh e i s never perm i tted ,

to we ar a di am ond a bit of ri ch lace o r eve n a

, ,

feathe r altho u gh rece ntly the stri n gency of thi s

,

rule has be e n so mewh at rel axed With u s there .

i s o ften l ittle d isti ncti o n between the atti re o f si x

teen and sixty .

To tel l a gi rl th at anythi n g u ltra fash i onab l e is -

i n b ad taste u su al ly h as little e ffect b ut ed u c atin g ,

h er sense o f th e arti sti c i n d ress will u nderm i n e

he r fond n ess fo r extrem es .

The qu estio n of becom i ngness shou ld o f co u rse , ,

327
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

b e take n i nto c o nsi d eratio n b ut the re i s a li ne ,

wh i ch i f p assed shows a d esi re to attract atte nti o n

, ,

th at i s a rep u l s ive trai t i n a yo u ng gi rl She .

“

sh ou ld be as d ai nty as a p ictu re as lovely as a ,

poem . Th is ol d worl d has its i d eals a n d sh e i s ,

on e The grace o f u n co nsc io u sness m akes her

.

m o re charm i ng tha n fau ltles s apparel .

”
L et her n ot pri nk i n th e d ressi n g ro o m at a -

ball b u t havi n g give n the necessa ry atte nti o n to

,

eve ry detai l at h o m e she sho u ld fo rget all ab o u t

,

her clothes .

To athletic s i s ac corded th e c red i t o f

S p o rt i n g
ef fe c tin g a refo r m i n d ress wh ich e c c e n
d re s s
t rio and well meani ng wo me n tri ed i n
-

vai n to acc o m pl ish .

The m ascu l i ne to u c h i s so meti mes overd o ne .

Th e m od e o f d ress see ms o cc asionally to affe ct

the behavio r and a girl i n th e freedo m o f a s h ort
,

ski rt so meti mes ass u mes attitu des that m ake

even that s ee m s u perfl u o us .

The o u t do o r wom an i s neverthel ess a ve ry

-

likabl e c reatu re an d a d i sti nct i mp rove me nt o n

,

the e arly V i ctori an yo u n g l ady with he r vapors

-

a nd a ffectatio n o f del icacy .

Whe n wo me n are i nvited to d rive o n a co ach

d u ri n g a park parad e whether m atro ns o r m aid
D r e s s fo r e ns o r i n a s m art c art with h o rses ha r
,

d iv i n g a n d n e s s e d tande m o r with a s i n gle h o rse

r

° ° a °h in g
,

with groo m i n attend ance — they m ay

wear eithe r l i ght gown s and flo w e r wreathed h ats -

!c arryi n g a d rivi n g c oat i n c ase of m u d ) o r tailo r

-

3 28
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O N S

le athe r A D e rby h at o r a s ailo r i n the co u ntry

.
,

i n s u mm e r l oos e s u p ple d ogsk i n gl oves a n d a

,
”
c r 0p o r a whangee !a fl exib le re ed o ften
“
,

ti pped wi th si lve r ) co m plete the costu m e o f th e

m o dern equ e s trie n ne The ho rsewom an i n town
.
,

i f she passes thro u gh th e streets to take h o rs e at

a d istanc e fro m h o m e w ears a loose raglan o r,

bo x shap ed c oat of tan o r gray cl oth ove r h e r

-

h ab it th at cove rs he r fro m neck to heels

, A '

m acki ntos h c u t o n th e s ame li nes i s u se fu l fo r

wear i n b ad we athe r fo r a wom an Wh o follows the
ho u nd s
’
F o r h u nti n g a wo m an s h ab it is the s am e as fo r
,

a ri de i n th e p ark I n th e co u ntry i n h ot we athe r

.

a se rge o r l ight cove rt c loth ski rt with a sh irt ,

waist an d sailo r h at i s th e sensible and c o m

,

fo rtab l e ou tfit n ow u n ivers al ly accepted by th ose

who ri d e o ften The h ai r i s wo rn low and sec u rely
.

faste ned N o j ewel ry bu t a scarf p i n a nd sleeve

.
-

l i nks i s ad mi ss ibl e .

F o r go lf the re gu latio n atti re i s a sho rt c loth

,

ski rt reachi n g to th e i nstep fl annel wai st j acket , ,

o f s carlet o r green cloth with c ollar and

b uttons o f th e cl u b colo rs and s oft felt ,

A lpi n e h at with scarf an d lon g qu i ll F o r .

su m mer a d u ck ski rt and shi rt waist with straw

, ,

s ai lo r o r A lp i ne hat o f stitched ch ick with scarf and

q u ill o r po mp on an d c h amoi s gl oves b u tton ed o n
,

th e back of the han d R u sset shoes with h obnails

.

o r bi ts o f ru bb er on the soles are wo rn to avoi d

sl i pp i ng .

3 3°
 W O M EN ’
S DRES S

F o r bi cycli n g a sh ort ski rt of d o u bl e faced cloth

,
-

requ i ri n g n o l i n i ng with j acket o f covert i s wo rn

, ,

wi th a fl an n el o r shi rt waist acco rdi n g ,

to th e season o r th e enti re costu m e i s

,

m ad e o f th e same cloth i nc lu d in g th e
Tyrolese h at wi th cock fe athe r at the si d e S o m e .

pre fe r ski rts o f d uc k o r he avy li ne n fo r s u m me r .

F o r rai ny d ays gi rls are adopti n g th e s ens ibl e

,

fash i on o f weari n g thei r golf ski rts F o r travel .

li ng not h i n g i s bette r than a costu m e

D r e s s fo r
o f se rge o r othe r serv i ceable woolle n s t o rm y
goods tail or m ade The h at sho u ld w e ath e r
,
-
.
,

be cho s e n with d iscreti o n A b e c o m in g S t e am e r

m
.

o ne give s a wo m an a d isti nct mo ral “ ai i n

g
s u ppo rt It sho u ld be sm all that th e
.
,

bri m m ay n ot catch i n the wi nd an d with ou t fe at h ,

e rs th at fear d am pness o r fl owe rs th at fad e i n th e

s u nshi ne .

A n u lster and so ft h at are best fo r steam er wea r ,

with c alfski n boots o r ru bbe r soled ru sset o nes -

.

A t h otel tables a gentlewom an w h en travelli n g ,

d resses so as to attract n o attenti o n N oth i n g .

biz arre no exaggerati o n o f the p revaili n g m od e

, ,

sh o u ld be wo rn .

I n s u m me r yo u n g wo men l ive al m ost excl u

s ive l y i n shi rt waists and d uck o r piqu é ski rts
-
,

with sailo r Panam a o r A l pi ne hats

, ,
.

These gown s are ch an ged fo r t h e afte r ~

noo n o r eveni ng fo r those o f sh ee r n ai n

s ook o rgandi e bati ste fo u l ard veilin g and pl ai n
, , , , ,

o r dotted S wiss m usli ns and w h e n tastefu lly m ad e

,

33 I
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

are app rop ri ately wo rn wi th fl owe r tri m me d L e g -

h o rn h ats fo r visiti n g gard e n parties o r l u n cheo ns

, , , .

W hite gowns are m u c h wo rn at ch u rch with h ats ,

th at are tastefu l b ut i nco nsp ic u o u s C h am oi s gloves .

are popu l ar fo r o rd i n ary u s e bu t m any d i sc ard ,

gl oves altogether except fo r ch u rch o r d ressy

,

occasions co m fo rt versu s co nventio nality .

It i s an ol d sayi n g that a lady m ay b e known b y

-

h er gloves an d shoes .

C h eap fi nery and false j ewel ry are th e ac m e o f

’

vul gari ty and deceive n o o ne except po ss ibly

, ,

wh il e thei r ve ry eph em e ral n ewness last s .

F alse p retences to w ealth a re al most as b ad a s

false p retences to beauty and n o wo m an o f re fi n e
,

m ent n eed be to ld that the u se o f cosm eti c s wou ld

s ubj ect h e r to n oth i ng less than contem pt .

To i m pec u n i o u s wo m e n th e s u ggesti on m ay no t
b e ami ss th at b o nnets a nd gowns m ay b e bo u ght
,

S u ggg g l ate i n the season at good ho u ses afte r ,

t i o n s fo r s e rvi n g as m odels th at earl i e r wo u l d

,

e °°n ° m y
h ave cost p roh i bitive p rices I n b uy .

i ng colo red th i ngs it i s econ o my to b uy always

th e sam e shad e o f a colo r — ,
”
the le ft ove rs a re “ -

m ore available b u t black an d white are always se r

,

v ic e ab l e . Whe re o ne black go w n has to play m any

r o les two bo nnets very u nl ike wo rn wi th i t d e
,

fl e c t su spi ci o n o f it s p rotean cha r acte r .

It i s a growi n g fashi o n fo r yo u ng wo men to wear

l ow ne cked gown s i n th e eveni ngs C o m fo rt co m
-
.

me nds it Th e m ate ri als are u su ally pl ai n o r fl o w

.

e red o rgand i es S wiss m usli n wo rn ove r d i fferen t

,

332
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S ION S

s treet a j acket o f c loth o r o f goods m atch i ng the

A w i do w s gown
’ a c r ep e b o n net
,
with ti ny white ,

m o u rn i n g ru che i f d esi red ,

a very lo n g c r epe
,
-

ga r b vei l and s u ed e gloves A ll black fu rs .

,

are wo rn .

I n the hou s e so m e we ar wh ite co llars an d c u ffs

o f h e m stitche d o rgand i e
-
I n s u m me r a wi do w
.

’
wears n u n s ve ili ng C hi n a c r ep e B russels n et an d
, , ,

black pi qu é o r wh ite l awn with b lack ri bb on s i n

th e mo rn i n g .

F o r the fi rst three m o nths the vei l i s wo rn o ve r

the face b u t c r ep e i s s o i nj u rio us to eyes we ak
,

en ed by w eepi n g that many wear a fac e vei l o f -

tulle o r n et ed ge d with c r é p e w ith th e l o n g veil

, ,

thrown back I n su m mer and fo r c o m m o n u s e

.

s ilk vei li ng m ay replac e c r ep e D u ri ng th e s eco nd .

’
ye ar t h e wi dow s c ap i s left o ff and th e ve i l sho rt
e ned Th e thi rd year lu streless si lk i s wo rn c r ep e
.
,

i s d iscard ed and m u ch i s l e ft to the opti o n o f the

,

wearer S om e wi d ows wear m o u rni ng b u t two years

.
,

li ghteni n g at i nterval s of si x m onths E lderly .

wo me n o ften c onti nu e to we ar bl ack always .

F o r p arents grown ch ild ren b rothers a nd s i s

, ,

te rs mo u rni ng i s wo rn fo r two year s — d i f

, feri n g
M o u rn i n g howeve r i n degree F o r pare nts an d .

fo f chi ld re n th e vei l i s wo rn fo r a year

r e l at iv e s fo r brothe rs an d si ste rs si x months i s
,

t he u su al pe ri od and t h e garm ents wou ld be ,

plai ner i n th e fo rmer c ase than i n the other .

Many wear plai n bl ack and n o vei l fro m th e

fi rst E spec i ally d o yo u n g girls o m it th e vei l and
.

3 34
 W O M EN ’
S DRE S S

wear cr ep e to qu es o r bl ack straw h ats tri m m ed

w ith c r ep e o r chi ffo n with cloth se rge o r H e n ri
, , ,

etta gown s fo r s i x m onths an d a to u c h of whi te ,

afte r that .
'

A b u nch of fresh violets co nfers a c ertai n d is t in c

’
ti o n to a wo m an s d ress and espec i al ly to m o u rn i n g
, .

C h ild ren u nd e r twelve years o f age are rarely

d ressed i n mo u rn i n g u nl ess fo r a paren t ,

when black sas hes are worn wi th wh ite

frocks and gray replaces other co l ors
, .

F o r a c hild pare nts we ar m ou rni n g a year ; fo r an

,

i n fant s i mp le black relieved with wh ite gray o r

, , , ,

l i lac for th ree m o nths Where the re are P a r e n t s

,
. .

yo u n g chi ld re n i n the fami ly m o u rni ng m o u rn in g ,

sho ul d b e lightene d as soon as wo ul d fo r

c h il d re n
b e seemly .

F or relati o ns not o f th e i m m ed iate fam ily ,

m ou rni ng i s opti o n al b u t bl ack m ay M o u rn i n g ,

b e wo rn fo r s ix m o nths and bl ack and fm

t
“ l aw n s
,

white fo r the re m ai nd e r of the year .

’
Theoretic al ly m o u rni n g i s assu m ed fo r on e s
,
’
relati on s in law th e same as fo r o n e s M o u r n i n
- -
,
g
own relatives b u t p racti cally feeli ng an d d e s s fo r
, r

r e l at im s
c i rcu mstances have m u ch to d o with o

m l aw '

i ts d egree .

A b rid e i f m arri ed d u ri ng h e r fi rst year o f

,

m o u rnin g res u mes i t a fte r the ce re

, A b r id o s ’

m o u rn i n g
mo ny bu t u su ally li ghtens i t
, .

A s m o u rni ng i s d iscarded the m od els o f th e ,

gowns beco m e m o re d ressy u ntil eve ry D i s c ar d i n g

thin g bu t colo rs is wo rn m o u rn i n g
.

33 5
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O N S

C o mpli me ntary m o u rn in g i s wo rn th re e m on ths .

A l mo s t anythi ng i f bl ack except v elvet a n d o s tr i ch

feathers i s su i table .

I t i s i n goo d taste to wea r bl ack o r d ark gown s

an d glove s at fu nerals . We see m the reby to a s s o
c i ate o u rselves w ith th e so rrow o f th o s e
to who m we h ave co m e o u t o f resp e ct
an d symp athy The h i ghest p ri n ciples
.

are n ot too h igh fo r the gu id ance o f o u r m o s t

trivi al acts .

336
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

Prope r d ress bei n g o n e o f the evi de nces o f go o d

breedi ng a m an s ho u l d observe certai n ru les
, ,

A m a n s whi ch tho u gh few i n n u mbe r are tho r

’
, ,

p r o p e r o u ghly well d efi ne d and apply to m an ,

d r e ss ki nd i n gen eral fro m the age o f ei ghteen

,

to the allotted threesco re and ten .

A sid e fro m s p ec i al costu m es fo r vari o u s s po rts

and p asti m es there are three ru les o f d ress
, ,

m o rn in g afternoon and eve nin g These m i ght

, , .

be reso lve d i nto two — m o rn i ng an d eve n i n g

, ,

s i nce afternoo n d ress i s c alled fo r o nly o n sp eci al

occasi o ns .

M o rn i ng d ress i s worn at any ti me o r p lac e ,

u ntil d ark wh ere form al d ress i s not requ i red and

, ,

i n wi nte r c on sists u s u ally o f an e nti re

s u it o f tweed ho m esp un o r chevi ot
, , ,

”
c alled i n E ngland d i ttoes fro m bei n g “
,

all o f the same m ateri al —m ade with l o u n ge o r,

sac qu e c oat o r a c utaway o r m o rnin g co at an d

,

waistco at o f v ic u fi a o r oth e r d ark goods with ,

tro u sers o f a qu i et p attern A colored shi rt with .

wh ite stand in g o r all aro u nd tu rned d own col l ar -

,

an d cu ffs o f th e m ateri al o f the sh i rt i s wo rn , ,

and any ti e o f the p revail in g m od e The waist .

c oat c u t h i gh show s l ittle o f th e sh i rt A D erby

, , .

o r A lpi ne h at sto ut shoes and h eavy d og s ki n

, ,

gloves co mplete th e costum e .

I n s u m m e r su i ts o f fl annel se rge l ight tweed , , ,

an d cheviot are wo rn Th e fl an nel and s erge s u its

.

are m ade with sacqu e co ats the twee ds with eithe r ,

s acqu e o r c utaway c o ats Wi th the latte r li nen o r

.

33 8
 M EN DRE AND DEP RTM ENT
'

S S S O
'

d u ck waistcoats are tho u ght to e m ph as iz e the

e ffect o f neatn ess s o i nseparable fro m a well
,

d ressed man C olo red shi rts w ith wh ite col lars
.

are wo rn an d tan o r ru sset s hoes

, o r wh i te wi th , ,

wh ite tro u se rs A straw o r l ight so ft felt hat is the

.

app rop ri ate h ead gear .

I n the c ou ntry o ne m ay wear k n ickerb ockers

with s ac qu e co at of s am e m aterial o r bl ack s acqu e ,

co at wi th cap like the tro u se rs a s well as an e nti re ,

s u it of fl an nel se rge o r tweed S o atti red a

, , .
,

m an may p lay gol f o r te n ni s d rive row o r p ay a , , ,

m o rni ng c all .

F or chu rc h h e sh o u ld wear a fro ck o r m o rn i ng

c o at and a h i gh h at A fter c hu rch h e m ay .

ch an ge i f h e please to a su i t of d ittoes The

, , .

E nglis h p rove rb attri b u ted to B eau N ash s ays

, , ,
”
“
A gentle m an i s known by hi s l inen Whe n .

that i s i rrep roach abl e a m an fresh fro m the m atu ,

t in al tu b with sleek wel l groo m ed head h ands

, ,
-
,

and n ails cared fo r clothes well b r u sh ed and , ,

shi ni n g boots has a n ai r o f s m artn ess th at m akes

,

clothes o f m od ish cu t seem of seco nd ary im

po rtan ce .

I n s u m m e r m o rn in g d ress i s allowabl e all d ay ,

b u t fo r call in g o r i n fo rm al so ci al o cc asi on s white

d uck o r l i ne n o r stri p ed fl annel tro u se rs w ith
black o r bl u e serge o r chevi ot c o at an d waist
coat are o ften s u bstituted fo r th e frock c o at .

Th e favo rite s u m m er overco at has bee n a c overt

co at with whi ch a D e rby is wo r n neve r a top
, ,

h at .

3 39
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IONS

A fterno o n d ress i s wo rn at we dd in gs fo r b ri d e ,

groo m u shers an d gu ests

, , at chu rch afternoo n , ,

teas gard e n parties recepti o ns fo r walks

, , ,

o n fashi o n abl e t h o ro u ghfares and at al l ,

fu nc ti on s b etween noo n and eveni n g I t .

co nsist s o f a d o uble b reasted frock co at and waist

- -

co at of v i cu na soft chevi ot o r whatever b lack

, ,

goo ds i s i n vogu e o r a waistc oat o f white d u ck o r

,

p i qu é si ngl e o r do u b l e b reasted with tro u se rs of

, ,

s o me qu i et to ned stripe d m ate rial p ate n t leathe r

-
r
-

b u ttone d sh o es wh ite shi rt w ith standi ng o r all

,

arou n d tu rned d own c ol l ar fo u r in h and o r A sc ot

-
,
- -

ti e d ogski n gl oves and s ilk h at A walki n g sti ck

, , .
-

a nd b ou to nn i ere ad d a tou ch o f d i s ti nctio n Wi th .

afterno o n d ress som e m en wear colore d shi rts

with wh ite coll ars an d c u ffs b u t it i s not i n th e ,

b est taste .

N othing i s s o u nstabl e as fash i on b ut at p resent ,

me n fi nd th e R agl an overco at the b est fo r gene ral

co m fo rt wear an d tear I n bu si ness ho u rs and o n
, , .

b u sin ess tho ro u ghfares i f a m an carry a sti ck i t , ,

wo ul d b e regard ed as an a ffectat ion b u t with afte r ,

n oo n d ress o r i n the m o rn i ng w h en goi n g fo r a

,

walk i t i s i n keepi n g A ti ghtly rolled u mbrell a

, .

replaces i t u po n occasi o n .

E ven i n g d ress i s the p rope r atti re fo r al l o cca

s i o n s afte r d ark balls d ances O p era theatre
, , , , ,

even i n g c alls i n town and co u ntry ,

wi nter an d s u m me r I t c onsi sts o f a .

”
swal low tai l c oat l ow c u t waistcoat
“ -
,
-
,

and tro users o f fi ne worsted o r v ic u fi a the coat ,

3 4°
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

A d i ni ng j acket , o r Tu xedo o f s ati n face d

-
“
,
-

v 1c u n a low c u t waistco at and tro u sers to m atch

-
,

I n fo r m a l — wi th white sh i rt an d b lack ti e i s the ,

e ve n i n g i nfo rm al eveni n g d re s s I t i s wo rn at .

d r e ss
ho m e fo r the fam i ly d i n ner whe n giv
, ,

i ng o r atte nd in g a ve ry i nfo rm al d i nn er am o n g
rel atives o r i nti m ate fri e n ds at a stag d i n ne r at ,
-
,

the the atr e u nles s with a theatre p arty an d at ,

othe r ti m es i n th e wi nter sea s on wh e n the o cc a

s io n i s no t fo rmal a nd l adies are n ot o f th e
,

co mpany I n s u m m er when the exi genc ies of

.
,

d ress are somewh at rel axed to su it h ot weather -

feel i ngs a d i n ner j acket i s p erm issibl e at fu nc

,
-

tion s th at i n wi nter wo u l d d eman d fo rm al d ress .

I t i s h oweve r a s afe ru le to follo w whe never a

, , ,

m an i s i n d o ubt wh i ch o f the two to wea r to give ,

the p refe rence to th e coat .

F o r an i nfo rm al d i n ner o r te a o n S u nd ay even

i n g th e d i n ne r j acket i s o ften p referred to fo rmal
,

eve ni n g d ress an d wh ere on e i s o n very i nti mate

,

footi n g and a m an is s u re that h is host wil l n ot

wea r eve ni n g c lothes a cu taway o r fro ck co at i s
,

ad m issible .

The top h at w ith wh ich we a re s o fam il iar and

-
,

whi ch sti l l co nfe rs th e n ecess ary d i sti ncti on to a

’
m a n s form al d ress i s s poken of i n a letter writte n
,

by a wom an i n Pari s to h er fri end d u ri ng N a ,

’
o l e o n s C o ns u l ate i n th e followi n g te rm s : The
p ,

l atest thi ngs fo r gentl em e n are the h i gh h ats .

These are tal l cyl i nde rs o f b l ack fel t s m ooth as ,

m i rro rs and loo k exactly l ik e ch i mney p ots I

,
-
.

342
 M EN ’
S DRE S S AND DEP O RTM ENT

really tho u ght I m u st b e at a m as qu erad e The .

hatte r —Th i erry i s hi s nam e — who i nve nted the m

m ad e a w age r th at he wo u ld i ntrod uc e the very
m ost abs u rd sh ap e i magi nab le an d i t w ou ld b e ,

co me fashio n abl e A nd h e wo n the wa ger fo r

.
,

these tall black p ill ars a re no w qu ite d e ri gu e u r

”
wi th the exqu i s ites .

A h igh h at s ho u ld n eve r be wo rn wi th a ny
tai lless co at ; s o with a d i n ner j acket a black s o ft
h at i s the p rop e r o n e i n w i nter an d a stra w o n e
i n s u m me r .

A Tuxed o m ay b e wo r n o n the s treet witho u t

an overcoat whi le fo rm al eveni n g d ress exacts
,

th at o n e b e c arried over th e arm i f not wo rn , .

White dogski n o r ki d are the gloves p refe rred

fo r balls o peras a nd theatre parti es th o u gh s o me
, , ,

wear p al e gray ki d Whi te gloves are n ot allow

.

abl e by dayl i ght excep t at weddi ngs

,

D i am ond s are relegated to sho w y person s n o t

recognized as ge ntlefolk They are ad m issible
.

o nly when very sm all they are set i n scarf pi ns as

, ,
-

au xi li ari es to so m e thi n g el se R i ngs are worn o nly .

o n th e little finger S eal ri ngs are p refe rred to

.
-

others Th e b est d ressed m e n are o nly c o n s p ic

.

u o us becau se o f the extre m e qu ietness o f thei r

atti re and an al m ost e nti re absen ce of j ewel ry .

The Tu xed o h as solved the q u estio n of even in g

d ress fo r yo u ths F ro m fou rtee n to Y o u t h s
.
’

ei ghteen th ey wear d i nne r j ackets wi th e v e i n g -

,
n

black d ress trou se rs and waistco ats d r e ss

,

black sati n ti es p atent leathe r p u m ps a nd black

,
-
,

3 43
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

si lk stocki n gs fo r eveni n g affai rs and at th e p l ay

, .

B efore that age they wear E ton j ackets kni cker ,

b o c k e rs an d large ro u nd collars with black ties fo r

,

eveni ng d ress .

F o r cycli n g and ge ne r al cou ntry spo rts m e n ,

S p o rt i n g
we ar kni ckerbocke r su i ts o f tweed N o r ,

d re s s folk o r sho rt j ackets heavy ribb ed go l f ,

C y cl in g
stocki ngs sto ut ru sset l ac ed s ho es an d
, ,

c loth caps o r soft felt H o mbu rg hat s .

”
R 81 S coats !R o ad a nd S po rti ng ) a r e m ad e
. . .

with ve ry ful l ski rts whi c h m ay b e d ra w n o ver the

,

knees whe n d rivi ng and the s leeves are s o l i ned

,

that loo se fo lds o f the s ilk are held by an e lasti c

abo u t the wri st and p revent the ai r bl owi n g u p
the s l eeve .

F o r boati ng exped iti on s o r yachti ng parti es ,

blu e serge sac qu e coat d u ck tro u sers white canvas

, ,

shoes and a yachti ng c ap m ake a n

,
Y a ch t i n g
attractive costu m e ; and altho u gh real
d re s s
yacht s m en p ay little atte ntion to s u ch
details yet as has bee n s u ggested a m a n n eed b e
, , ,

no ne the less a good s ailo r becau se he l ooks tri m

and natty whi le h au l i n g aft th e m ai n b ra c e an d
“
-

”
sh i verin g h is ti mb ers .

A wo rd an ent b athi n g su i ts Why c annot a m an .

wear a fai rly d ec ent garme nt wh en bath i ng i nstead ,

of the sleeveless al most b ackless gar , ,

ment th at is n ow s o generally affected ?

I f a m an c annot swi m with a sleeve t h at
c overs his sh o u lde r h e sho u l d give u p b athi n g i n
,

co mpany that i ncl u des wo men .

344
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

c o m p ro m i s e bet w ee n the two A m a n who h u n t s .

bu t o ccas i o nally m ay p re fe r to wear a b lac k c u t

away co at ri di n g b reeches o f whi te leathe r o r
,

wash go ods ridi n g bo ots with wh ite or tan t O p s

, ,

w h ite sto ck s ilk h at d o gski n gloves an d c arry a

, , ,

’
h u nti ng c ro p wi th lon g l ash Th e fu ll h u nts m an s .

co stu m e i nclu des wh ite l eathe r ri d i ng breeches ,

sh o rt waiste d tai l co at d o u bl e o r s in gl e breasted

-
, ,

of e it h e r h u nti n g p i nk o r green wi th sho rt ski rts , ,

black varn ish ed l e ath e r bo ots white wai stcoat and ,

stock and top h at H e carri es a hu nti n g c rop

,
. .

F o r d riving the re i s l ess pu ncti li o The wh ip

, .

o n the b ox seat o f a co ach u su ally wears a s u i t o f

-

gray tweed with gray hi gh h at o r i f the ,

weath e r p e rmits a t o p coat wh ich i s , _ ,

u su ally of tan o r gray cloth box shap ed ,

-
,

the h at m atchi n g i n ge ne ral ton e I n m id su mm e r .

h e m ay wear a s oft felt hat o r eve n a pa nam a , ,

with a su it o f l i ght wo ol d ittoes Th e m e n of the .

party follow the sam e ge neral ru l e .

A co m fortabl e d ress fo r s u m me r d rivi n g i s a

d ark serge coat with whi te l i ne n o r stri ped fl ann el
tro u se rs with straw o r p an am a h at d ogski n gl oves
, , ,

and ru sset sh oes .

F o r steame r wear o ld travell ers ge ne rally wear

,

old clothes A war m l o u n ge s u i t o r heavy tweed

.
,

kn i ckerb ocke r s u it w i th a so ft felt o r ,

T rav e ll i n g
H o m b u rg h at l o ose dogski n gloves and
dre s s , ,

easy b ro ad s ol ed r u sse t shoes m akes a

-
,

co m fo rtab l e steame r ri g
“
I n c ol d weath er an
.

u lste r will be n eed ed F o r l ate d i nne r o n bo ard

.

3 46
 M EN ’
S DRE S S AND DEP O RTM ENT

s hi p a black c u ta w ay c oat with fresh li n en i s

, , ,

u s u ally th o u ght s u fli c ie nt p rep arati o n fo r th e occ a

s i on . F o r rai lway travel a su i t o f tweeds with , ,

c olored s h irt wh ite col lar s oft felt A l pi n e h at tan

, , ,

o r gray re i n dee r o r s u ed e gloves and ru sset s hoes ,

will m ake o ne p re s entabl e i f co mbi ned with s c rup u ,

l o u s neatnes s .

The figu re o f th e m an o f to day i s sli m athleti c -

, ,

b u t n ot bu rly H i s sho u lders a re broad !pad d i n g

.

has be en d o ne away wi th ) hi s l i mb s are ,

T h e m an
stu rdy and h e affects a qu ick b ris k
, ,
o f t o d ay -

wal k A n glo m an i acs len gthen th e step

.

to a p ro no u n ced stri d e A l l l ive m u ch i n the op en

.

ai r a nd clothes are wo rn easier l oose r an d m o re

, , ,

co mfo rtable th an hereto fo re I n th es e d ay s o u r .

kni ghtl iest kni ghts h owever are fa r m o re l u xu ri ou s

, ,

than th e d ames o f olde n ti m e I t i s a pe ri o d o f .

ze s t h e t ic ath letes .

’
Whateve r b e o n e s fortu ne i f o n e ha s n ot learn ed ,

h abits o f ne atness an d o rd e r o n e wil l n eve r b e ,

wel l d ressed To have go od cl othes o n e

.
,

m u st know how to take c are o f th em ,

spa r e the bru sh and s po i l the cl othes .

You ng me n with mo n ey to waste m ay h ave val ets ,

b ut an abl e b od ied m an wi th a se rvi ceable p ai r o f

-
,

h ands and a co nsci ence m ay sp end twenty m i n ,

u tes a day i n cari n g fo r hi s clothes an d fi nd othe r ,

and wo rth ie r ways to sp end hi s money th an fo r

expensive servants a nd thei r m a n y perqu is ites .

Th e F ren ch h ave a sayi ng O n e i s soo n ,

d ressed i n o ld clothe s whe n o ne has o nly n e w

347
 ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IO NS

o n es . There are occasi ons wh e n o ld clothe s

well kep t an d ne at are a greate r evi d en ce o f re
-

s p e c tab il ity an d O f s avo i r vivre than n ew o n es ,

h owever i rrep ro ach ab le .

A m an s Th e fi rst thi n g noted ab o u t a m an

’
,

s o c i al howeve r u nco nsc i ou sly to th e o bse rve r ,

d e p m m ’e m
i s h i s appe aranc e ; th e n ext hi s d e ,

p o rtme nt .

S oci ety asks l ittle o f a yo u ng m an e xcept to

behave well I f h e b e m anly i n looks i f h e has
.
,

a goo d m ann e r i s c ivil to h is elder s i f h e h as any

, ,

”
li ttle gi ft o f e nte rtai ni n g any p arlo r tri ck s
, ,

i f h e s en ds a few fl owers o ccas i on ally looks p leas ,

ant an d i s p olite h i s way wi ll b e smooth to s uc cess

, , ,

always p rovi di ng th at h e is really a gentlem an .

M anne r i s m u ch m o re s u btle than m an ne rs .

M an ners m ay take o n a fi n e pol ish b u t m anne r ,

’
i s the u nco nsci o u s exp ressi o n of o n e s i nne r s el f ,

’
o ne s own p erso nal i ty .

I f a m an go es at al l i nto soc iety he i s expecte d ,

to b e p u nctil i o u s i n all the s m all so ci al o b s e rv

an c e s with th e c o n fo rm ity that com es O f h abi t
,
.

H e sho ul d answer al l i nvitation s with i n twe n ty

fou r h ou rs afte r thei r r ec ei pt an d be abl e to write ,

a p resentabl e n ote A cal l after every ci vi l ity

.

re ce ived i s the p rope r c ou rtesy Th e details of .

calli n g eti qu ette h ave been d i sc u s s ed i n a fo rm e r

chapte r .

A s society is chi efly m anage d by wo m en i t is ,

’
with a m an s rel ati o n s wi th th em th at he h as p ri n
'

c ip al l y to c o ncern h i mself .

3 48
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

m u scl es o f the arm h eld fi rm and ri gi d m eanwh ile ,

so a s to give he r real s u ppo rt .

Whe n a m an d rives w ith a l ady n ot o f h i s

fam ily i n a fo u r seated c arri age h e takes his p l ace
,
-
,

with h is back to th e ho rses a nd wait s he r i nvi tati on

,

before sitti ng at he r s i d e S hou ld the c arri age

.

stop to take i n anothe r wo m an h e o f c o u rse d e ,

sc end s and assists he r to enter and i f fo r any ,

reaso n the l ady withi n wis hes to sp eak to a fri en d

whom she sees i n p assi ng he m ust agai n desce nd
,

a nd stand as i de by the op en d o o r u nti l the

lad ies p art when he rai ses h i s hat gives the o rde r
, ,

to the c oachm an and c loses the do o r beh i n d h i m

, .

’
When arrive d at the lady s ho use he assists he r ,

to alight walks u p the steps wi th h e r ri ngs the

, ,

bell never go i n g i n of co u rse u nles s i nvited I f

, , , .

he leaves he r i n a c arri age h e clo ses th e d o o r o f

,

the vehi cl e gi ves d i recti on s to the c o ach m an

,

i gno ri ng the groo m i f t h ere b e o ne and raises h is

, ,

hat to the l ady befo re tu rn i n g away Th e n e c e s .

sary eti qu ette when a m an i s hi m self th e wh i p to

, ,

be obse rved whe n d rivi n g wi th a wo m an co m es

u nd e r the he ad o f S p ortin g E tiqu ette herei nafte r ,

co nsi d e red .

M e n rais e the i r h ats to each othe r i f any trifl i ng

se rvice is shown to a wom an i n thei r ch arge I f .

the co u rtesy b e th e yi eld i ng o f a seat a gentlem an ,

wil l n o t seat hi msel f whe n opp o rtu n ity o ffers whil e ,

’
the obl i gi ng strange r stand s b u t cal ls th e latte r s,

att enti o n to the vacant pl ace i f h e be u nobse rvant

o f it .

50
M EN ’
S DRE S S AND DEP O RTM ENT

A m an p recedes a wo m an i n e nte ri ng a theatre

o r p ubli c plac e I n a c h u rch the wom an goes
.

fi rst He m ay p recede he r u p a pu bli c stai rcase

.
,

b ut i n a p rivate ho u se i n asc end i ng and d escend

,

i ng he follows
, .

I f a m an i s i n vited to d i ne an d go o n afte r “

ward to ball o r O pera hi s h ostess an d he r gu ests

,

are entitl ed to h is sp ec i al attenti o n H is cond uct .

at o pera an d th eatre h as al ready bee n co nsidered .

A n esco rt sh o ul d always b e p u nctu al To keep .

a l ady waiti ng i s very bad fo rm .

Yo u n g me n and wo men walk togethe r i n the day

ti m e b ut if th ey ri de o r d rive i n co mp any a groo m
, ,
’
sho u ld b e i n attend ance A m an s p ro pe r atten .

ti o ns to a wo m an when ri d ing with he r wi ll be

co nsid e red i n the ch apte r treatin g o f S p o rti ng
E ti quette .

In a restau rant o r h otel d i ni ng roo m i f a l ady -

,

bows to a m an he rises sl i ghtly fro m hi s seat w he n

,

m aki ng the acknowledgment Whe n h e i s w i th .

a p arty i f a l ady with h e r escort stops to sp eak to

,

h is frie nds he ri ses an d rem ai ns stand in g u nti l she

,

passes o n H e also rises i f a m an i s i ntrod u ced to

.

h i m eve n wh en with a stag p arty

,
.

Whe n a m an O pens a d oo r i n a pu bl ic plac e fo r

a l ady to wh o m h e is a stran ge r h e h olds it ope n ,

with o ne h and wh ile he l i fts h is h at with the

other and pau ses fo r her to p ass th ro u gh fi rst
,
,

lo ok in g at h e r but c asu al ly .

A deferenti al m anne r p ays b ette r co mpl i m ents

than expl icit lan gu age A vo i d a parad e o f gal .

3S I
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

lantry A we l l b red m an d oes n ot c om p rom i se a

.
-

gi rl o r m ake h e r u n d u ly consp icu o u s by over

,

atte nti on no r s h u n o n e wi th who m he i s th rown

,

bec ause sh e d oes n ot attrac t h i m H e s ho u l d b e .

co u rteo u s to al l alike A goo d deal o f d evoti o n i s

.

allowed b u t let a m an rem ember th at i t m ay be

,

checked late r an d keep h i msel f wel l i n h and

, .

There is a type o f gi r l who l ooks i nto eve ry

’
m an s fac e as thou gh he were the o nly l ivi n g bei n g
that she c an tru st M any love wo rthy gi rls are
.
-

u n fo rtu nate i n thei r b ri ngi ng u p B e m an e n o u gh .

to d efen d s u ch even agai nst yo u rsel f

, .

We m ay ass u me that A m eri cans need little tuto r

i n g i n chivalry towards wo m e n feeli ng ,
A p o in t o f
ho no r
the mselve s the m o re stri n ge ntly b o u n d
by th e very freedo m acco rd ed the m .

A m anly m an wil l neve r keep a co mp ro m is i n g

lette r especi al ly fro m a wo m an Ti m e and c i r
, .

c u m s t an c e s o fte n ch ange a si lly gi rl i nto a n obl e

wo m an to who m s u c h a h and writi n g agai nst

,
-

”
her wo u l d b e an i nj u s tice A voi d when possible .
, ,

any mo ney transacti o ns w ith wo m en Th ey are .

always so mewh at e mb arrassi n g .

A m an wh o h a s any cl ai m to th e n am e o f ge n
,

tl e m an neve r bows to a wom an fro m a cl u b

’
wi nd ow a nd lad ies n ames are th e re by co m m o n
,

c o nsent o m itted fro m th e conve rsati o n A ny act .

of c o u rtesy i s n eve r a p rel ud e to an acqu aintan ce

with a n u n esco rted wo m an .

A m an w he n with a l ad y n eve r recogn izes ac

, ,

qu ain tan c es who see m to b e i n d o ub tfu l c o mp any .

35 2
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

n am es O f he r d esi rab l e acqu ai ntances m akes

h er app ea r contem pti ble and s i lly b u t a m an ,

who p oses fo r a fas h io n able excl u s ive i s u n p ar

d onabl e .

M o ney i s ne ve r talked o f i n p ol ite s o ciety ; it

i s take n fo r granted .

N eve r ask q u esti o ns ab o u t p ersons p rese nt no r ,

d isc u ss t hem D o n ot d ilate to o ne wo m an abou t

.

th e charm s o f anothe r an d to speak i n d isp arage ,

m e nt o f o ne i s l ess d am agi ng to h e r th a n to
you rsel f .

S o m eti m e s sl ang i s d roll a nd pi ctu resqu e b u t ,

i t i s e s chewe d i n society an d the h ab it m akes o n e ,

fee l i nexp r essive with o u t i t Profan ity i s a ph ase .

o f vu lga r ity h app ily o bsolete A well m od u lated .

-

voi ce i s s ai d to testi fy to a strai n o f go od blo od i n

’
th e spe ake r s ancestry .

B e receptive givin g oth ers the first O pp o rtu n ity

,

to talk o f wh at i nterests the m D o not try too h ard .

to b e entertai ni n g Th e e ffo rt s o meti mes d e fe at s

.

i ts o bj ect A cci d ent o fte n favo r s on e Put co n

. .

v ic t io n i nto yo u r tal k Yo u c an not warm the .

i nte rest o f others i f the re i s n o fire i n you r own

h eart .

Th e si m plest te rm s are fa s h io n abl e a reactio n ,

agai nst afl e c t at io n A m a n who owns a yacht

'

”
sp eak s o f h is boat an d asks p eople to go
“
,

” ”
“
sail in g
, neve r yachti ng A voi d p rovi n ci al .

i s m N eve r cal l wom e n b y thei r C hri stian n am es

.

i n m i xed assemblages no r sp eak o f a m arri ed ,

wo m an b u t as M rs .

35 4
 M EN ’
S DRE S S AND DEP O RTM ENT

I f a b achelo r sh o w so m e li ttle h osp ital ity i t ,

advances h i m m uch i n favo r If he has attractive .

ro om s o r anyth in g to s how h e m ay ,

give an i nfo rm al afte rn oo n te a o r a

c h afi n g d ish s u ppe r
-
S i m pl i city i s i n
.

’
o rd e r A b ach el o r s e nte rtai nm ent i s u su ally re
.

garde d i n the l ight o f a froli c an d h i s e fl o rts ,

i n d u lge ntly c o ns id e red .

Th e occ asi o n m ay b e o nly an exc u se b u t a n ew ,

s u ite o f ro o m s m ay fu rn ish the p retext fo r a ho u se

warm i n g at a n aftern oo n tea and m any ,

O bl i gatio n s b e pleas a n tly m et .

I n every c ase wh e re a b achelo r i s the

host and b oth sexes are i nvited a chap e ro n i s a ,

n e cessity — p referably a m arrie d ki nswo m an o f

,

th e yo u n g m an .

The i nvi tati ons m ay b e s ent a week i n advan ce

for th e tea an d i f the n ame o f the chaperon b e
,

d eftly i ntrod u ced i t gives ass u ranc e th at the host

,

k nows an d res pects th e c onventi ons O n e roo m .

sh o ul d be res erve d as a clo ak ro o m fo r the lad ies .

The oth ers are m ad e b ri ght with a few flowers an d ,

the t e a service with d ai nty sandwiches bo nbon s

-
, , ,

c akes etc i s pl aced i n the d i ni ng room o r i n the

, .
,
-

”
de n o n a s mall tabl e at wh ic h th e chapero n o r ,

a yo u ng rel ative o f the host p res ides O n e cleve r .

se rvant m ay wai t u po n the d oo r and th e tea

table fo r su ch a gath e ri n g i s u su ally a m e rry o ne
, ,

an d al l a re willi n g to se rve themselves and e ac h

othe r.

The gu est s when taki n g leave o f the host an d

,

3 55
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IO NS

the chape ro n exp ress th ei r p leas u re b ut h e m u st

, ,

th ank the m fo r co m in g an d s how hi s grati fication .

S ho u ld th e chape ro n be o f hi s own fam i ly a ,

h i ghe r l aw than co nve n tion tells hi m wh at at

tenti o n he owes he r I f n ot h e shou ld s ee he r to
.
,

he r carri age — fo r o f c o u rse n o gu ests r e m ai n

whe n s he leaves o r he m ay see he r ho m e an d
-
,

s ho u ld sho rtly afterward c all i n perso n to rep eat

h i s thanks fo r her ki n d o ffices .

A bachelo r d i nne r l u n cheo n o r s u pp e r p arty i s

, ,

c o nd u cted i n the sam e m an n er as th at give n by a

B ac h e l o r hostess i n h e r own house I f wo me n .

di n n e rs are amon g th e gu ests a chaperon m u st

, ,

e tc
'

be p resent to whom al l are i ntrod u ced

,

and w h o is treated with speci al cons id erati o n by

th e host H e seats he r at hi s righ t at table
.
,

u n less she i s a rel ative whe n s h e takes th e foot

,

o f th e tabl e The chape ro n gives th e s i gn al to

.

w ith d raw an d th e m e n j o i n th e m afte r a ve ry few

,

m om ents .

A ny s o ci al a f fai r that take s pl ac e i n a stu di o i s

su re to fi nd favo r The re i s an ai r o f ro manc e
.

A s t u di o abo u t an artist s worksh op and th e ,

en t e rt a i n B ohem i an fl avo r ap peals to th e love of

m em novelty .

The fu r n ishi ngs are generally a rtisti c th e roo ms ,

sm al l an d cosey wh ich m akes an attractive setti n g

, ,

an d the atmos phere is sympatheti c M u si c that .

elsewhere m i ght see m com monplac e falls u po n

app reci ative ears an d if a n autho r c an b e i n du ced
,

to r ead s om e yet u np ublished sketch o r sto ry ,

356
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L O CCA S IONS

d en c es o f a desi re to pl e ase he r A new b ook o r.

p i ec e of m u si c a p resent o f game i f h e i s a spo rts

,

m an are always app reci ated an d a b o x

, ,

o f bo nbo ns fo r hi s hostess when visi t

i n g at a c o u nt ry ho u se i s welco me .

E xtravagant expe ndi tu re d o es n ot i nsp i re c o n fi

de nce B eyo nd fl owe rs bo nbons a book o r s o m e
. , , ,

su c h tri fle a ge ntlewo m an accept s n o gi fts fro m

,

m en .

It i s h ard to be a bu si nes s m an al l d ay and a

soc iety m an all n i gh t .

The b est m an ne r o f j u d gi n g o f th e wo rth o f

a mu se m ents i s to test th e m by thei r e ffect u po n
th e nerve s and s pi rits the n ext d ay
R e c r e at i o n
.

R ec reatio n o u ght to be wh at th e wo rd
i n dicates —so m ethi n g th at refreshes an d gives
, ,

cheerfu l ness and al ac rity to o u r retu rn to d u ty .

”
“
I s u btract fro m the s u m o f pleasu re sai d M od ,

”
e rat io n , to i nc rease th e re m ai nd er .

M eet th e wo rl d with a fri e nd ly fac e an d i t will

s m i l e b ack at you b ut d o not ask o f i t wh at it
,

has not to give o r attrib ute to its verd i ct s m o re

,

”
i mportance than they dese rve .

3 58
C b ap t e r Tw e n ty t fizr d— C O N V E R
’

S AT I O N

S c onversatio n bears s o i mpo rta nt a

part i n soci al i ntercou rse th at so m e
attempt toward i t i s m ad e wheneve r
we m eet o u r fellows i t i s stran ge ,

that we are not all m o re p rofic ie nt .

I t h as been s u ggested that we have reason to be

grate fu l th at we have a few co nvers ati o nal form u l as ,

to b e u sed u nde r ce rtai n c i rcu m stanc es s u ch as ,

” ”
H ow d o y o u do ? G ood bye Thank you
-
, ,

”
Yo u are ve ry ki nd , I shou ld b e d eli ghted
“
.

F an cy th e m ental strai n i f i nstead o f these we

, , ,

h ad to i nvent so m e new co m bi n ati o n o f wo rds to

su it each o ccasion !
The ch arm o f agreeable co nve rsati on i s ap p re
c iate d by all wh il e i ts c u ltivatio n i s with i n th e reach
,

o f e ach and we m ay be o u r own tuto rs N othi ng

, .

so qu ickly ope ns h ospitable do o rs and i n its in flu ,

ence i t m ay b e an evangel .

O n e o f its essenti als i s a wel l m od u lated vo ic e-

,

wh ich always see m s a d is t1n gu 1s h in g

s o m e O f th e
m ark o f gentlehood M u ch h as b een e s s e n t i al s
.

sai d abo ut o u r h i gh pitched vo ices but o f go o d

-
,

” fi m’s ”
it wil l bear re ite rati o n s inc e i t i s i n o u r
, lmm
power to change them A ll feel th e .

charm of th e softly m u si cal voi ces o f E ngli s h

'

3 59
ETIQUE TTE F O R ALL O C CAS IO NS

wo m en They are like so m e sweet to ned bell wh i le

.
-
,
”
a few am on g u s recall the ear p i erc i n g fi fe A -
.

ge ntle m an u po n esc ap i n g fro m the i nfl i cti o n o f

,

s u ch an o n e qu oted to h is fri end

, ,

“
And si l en ce l i k e a p o ul ti ce c o m es

To h eal the b l o w s o fs o u n d

We sho ul d ai m too to speak o u r lan gu age i n its

p u rity E nglis h u n d e fi l e d an d with clear ,

clean c u t e nu nci atio n There i s a cos mopol itan

-
.

l angu age spoke n a m o ng edu cate d peop le eve ry

”
where , th ei r sp eech b ewrayeth th em By it .

we j u dge thei r c u ltu re thei r refi neme nt thei r soci al

, ,

p osition Provi nci ali sm s an d slang are not le s s a

.

revel atio n o f the ab se nc e o f th ese advantages Th e .

’
s ubj ect s u gge s ts C olerid ge s wel l known sto ry of -

th e strange r at a d i n n e r who p assed fo r a d i gni fi ed

an d wo rthy p e rs o nage u nti l h is p leasu re at the
excellence o f th e d u m pl ings cau sed h i m to b reak
the si lence that h ad wo n h i m the rep u tatio n o f
’
wi sd o m by excl ai m i n g Them s the j ockeys
,
“

fo r m e ! N o m atte r wh at h is m o ral ch aracte r ,

wh ether s ai nt o r h ero hi s m ental cal ibre h is rus

, ,

t ic ity o f b reedi n g stood co nfessed I n c ases less .

extrem e the i nfl u ence wo u ld b e as co ncl u s ive .

N o ne s h o u ld b e abl e to tell by ac cent o r i nton a

ti o n fro m wh at p art of the co u nt ry we co m e .

The F rench know thei r lan g u age s o tho ro u ghly

th at they u se it with the p rec isi o n and s ens itiven ess
with wh ich a c ultivated m u si ci an plays u p on h i s
i n stru m ent E n gl i s h is
. m o re c o mp rehe n s i ve ,

3 60
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

m o m ent d o we s ee th ro u gh the pose and feel “

,

o nly co ntem pt fo r th e a ffe ctation an d p reten ce .

Tru th h as a m arve llo us power o f m aki ng itself

felt i n sp ite o f what i s sai d S elf consci o u s ness
.
-

i s b ut egotism u nde r a less seve re nam e an d self ,

m u st b e forgotte n be fo re w e can ad d to o u r speech

the grac e an d d i gnity o f si mp l ic ity .

The s u bj ects o f i nte resti n g conversati o n are ,

o f c o u rse m u lti pl i ed by i nc reased knowledge o f

,

S u bj e c ts book s ,o f the world o f men and wo me n ,

o fc o n m u si c art and travel O n e sho u ld b e

, , .

“ m am “
fam i li ar with the c u rrent news o f the
d ay and th e topics o ccu pyi ng publ ic atte nti o n ,

with the n ames and a utho rs o f the new books ,

and be able to s ay som ethi ng worth h eari ng abo u t

what o n e has re ad and h eard M any get n o farther
.

i n speaki ng o f a book than that it is d u ll o r i nte r

e sti n g O th ers give i n few wo rds what see m to b e
.

i ts ce n tral i d eas i ts c haracteristics th e ti me and

, ,

scen e o f its acti on qu oting perh aps s om e senti

,

m ent t h at h as i m p ressed o r witticis m th at h as

pleased .

’
O n e s co nversati on m ay b eco m e th e centre
’
aro u n d wh i ch o ne s read i ng an d i nfo rm ati o n
are grou ped The h ab it o f m em o riz i ng with a
.

d efinite ai m i n view an d the co nsc io u s ness o f

,

h avi n g so meth in g to say give a sense o f power

, .

Practi ce aro u ses an d strengthens th e hab it o f ready

selecti on and q u i ck and apt appl icatio n .

Tru e c u ltu re carries with i t an atmosphere of

b readth — th e world an d n o t th e vi llage
,
A .

3 62
 CONVERS ATION

wo m an l acki n g i t was s aid to betray by he r c o n

vers atio n a m i nd o f n arrow co m p ass b o u nded ,

o n the no rth by h e r servants o n the e ast by he r

, ,

c h i ld ren o n th e so u th by he r ai l m ents and o n the

, ,

”
west by h e r clothes ! S om e o ne h as sai d th at
” ’
th e th ree d s are not d isc u ssed i n pol i te s o ciety
“
,

— d ress d o mesti cs an d d iseases

, , .

The m in d grows s h al low when pe rpetu ally oce n

p i ed with trivi aliti es A c ou rse o f solid read in g i s
.

a go od toni c Whe n i gno rant of o u r i gnorance

.
,

we d o not know wh en we betray o u rsel ves .

It i s b ette r to b e frankly d ull t han ped anti c .

N ot exh ibitio n b ut se rvi ce i s i mposed by s u p e ri o r

talent o r advantages .

S om e pe rso ns give a n o p i nio n as tho u gh thei r

verd ict were absol ute and final D ogm atis m h as .

”
bee n d efined as p u ppyi s m co m e to m atu rity
“
.

O th ers hold fo rth with o racu lar vagu eness b u t ,

c onvey few i deas as thou gh th ey we re ed u c ated

,

ab ove the i r i ntelli genc e .

’
O n e m u st gu ard o ne s sel f from th e temptati o n
of ta l kin g sh op as th e slan g o f the d ay ex
“
,

’
p resses it an d o f ri d i ng o ne s
,
h obby Our “
.

i nte rest is apt to blind u s to th e l ack of i t i n

others I t co mes u nde r the rep roach o f bad
.
“

”
taste as does al so the retaili n g o f fam ily a ffairs
, .

T h e sancti ty o f home l i fe sho u ld be gu arded by u s

wi th a self respectin g reticence
-
.

A bo re has bee n described as o ne who tal ks

ab ou t h i msel f when yo u wa nt to talk abo u t you r
”
self. The sarcasm asid e whatever sets on e ap art ,

3 63
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L O CCA S IONS

”
as a cap ital 1 sho ul d b e avo ided A necd otes
“
.

that are s u pp osed to b e o f i nte rest b ec aus e c o n

n e c t e d with o u rselves sh o u ld b e rese rved fo r o u r
,

i nti m ates O u r tro u bles an noy those w ho m th ey

.

d o n ot sadde n L et u s o nly p ass o n p leasa nt

.

thi ngs A j oke o r h u m o ro us sto ry is d ep e nd ent

.

u po n its fresh ness fo r app reciati o n so m e e mo

ti o ns will no t b ear warm ing ove r “
A fo re i gn .

ph rase fo r whi ch the re i s n o exact equ ivale n t i n

E ngl ish seem s occ asi on ally to give p oi nt fi nish , ,

o r ado rn m ent to a sente nce b u t On e m ust b e wa ry ,

of assu m i ng th at i t i s u ntranslatable I t i s bad .

fo r m to u s e fo rei gn e xp ressi ons u nless they b e

i d io m ati c and pro n o u nced with correct accent .

I t i s now a well s u bstanti ated and acc epte d cano n

-

of good form th at only pl e as ant thi n gs are to b e

sai d of any o ne A n ill n atu re d c riti ci sm i s a s ocial
.
-

blu n de r as wel l as a m o ral o ne Tho u gh w e .

“

speak with the tongu es o f m en and o f angels a nd ,

”
h ave not ch arity it p ro fi te th u s n othi ng
, i n good
s oci ety .

G ossi p too i s really goi n g o u t o f fash i o n

, , .

A ny o ne self co nvi cte d h astens to retract whateve r

-

G o s s ip a n d m ay give the i m pressio n that o ne h as

e xa gge r a i nd ul ged in anyt h ing S O vu lgar a nd
“ 0“
plebei an I t h as a co rrective an d an
.

i nspi ri n g i nfl u e nce to i magin e th e p erso ns s poken

o f to b e wi thi n heari ng .

E xagge rati o n i s m isstate m ent whi ch i s u ntru th ,

fu l ness It often does as m u ch harm as a d elibe rat e

.

li e and i s n o t as honest
, .

3 m
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS ION S

u s m ute Th e weathe r seem s to h ave pe re nn i al

.

i nterest Why m ay n ot on e treasu re a few bits

.

T h e e a rly
o f sto ri es ap ro po s o f th at m u ch wo rn -

s t a ge s o f topi c to b e b rou g h t o u t u p o n oc c as i o n P
,

° ° n e fs a
Y
F o r i nstance som e o ne speaks of the
'

,
”o n
vari ab i lity o f th e weather whereu po n ,

o ne m ight tell of the l ady wh os e physi ci an a dvised

fo r he r change o f cl i m ate Why d o cto r yo u .
“
, ,

fo rget that I am a N ew Yo rk wo m an I neve r h ave ,

”
anyth i n g b u t ch anges ! was her rej o i nd e r A t .

l east it i s better th a n m e re acqu iescen c e and ,

whe n people h ave l au ghed together th e i ce i s ,

’ ’
b roke n It i s poss i bl e to h ave at o ne s to ngu e s
.

e nd so m e tri flin g thin gs o f i ntere s t o n vari ou s

su bj ects b u t the su p ply need s freque nt re newal
,
.

The re are m o me nts wh en th e e mb arrass m ent of

s ilen c e i s rel i eved by th e kn owl ed ge th at n oth
i n g b u t th e veri est c om monplaces are exp ected .

Whe n a hostess h as p ai red h e r gu ests befo re a

d i n ner a nd eac h m an s eeks the wo m an assigned
,

C o n v e r s a to hi m h e u s u ally says I beli eve that “

, ,

t i o n at I am to h ave the pleasu re o f taki ng yo u

d inn e rs i n to d inn er and she has b u t to bow
,

and s m il e wh ile accepti ng h i s a rm an d m ay say ,

“
i n a vo ice o f pe rfu n cto ry polite n ess I am ve ry ,

”
glad o r i f sh e wish to b e very c om pl i m entary
, ,

”
m ay ventu re I am fo rtu nate
,
.

It i s u su ally the m an wh o takes the i n iti ative and

the wom an wh o bears th e b u rde n of th e co nve rsa
ti o n O n th e way to the d i ni n g roo m th ey m ay
.
-

i mp rove the occasio n o r no t as they please ,

.

3 66
 CONVERS ATI O N

There i s s om eti mes a n awkward pau se at the b e

gi nn i n g o f the m e al befo re the co m p any see m to
,

h ave ad apted the mselves to thei r s u rro u nd i n gs

an d to eac h othe r A hostess blessed wi th tact
.

wi l l know how to set the b all rollin g p erh aps with ,

so meth ing o f i nte res t treas u red fo r th e o ccasio n .

E ach perso n at tabl e sho u ld e nd eavo r to m ake

hi m self o r hersel f agre eable to both n ei ghbo rs as ,

op po rtu ni ty serves G ene ral co nvers ati o n i s o n ly

.

possi ble where the re are few p resent Talk i s .

u s u ally th e n at its best an d bri ghtest O n e with .

very h u mbl e p owe rs i n the collo qu i al c o m m erc e

,

o f thou ght , an d whe n kin d led by sym p athy with

the s ubj ect d iscu ssed s u rp rises h i m self n ot less
,

than others by u ns u spected elo qu enc e Those .

wh o h ave the rep u tati o n of bei n g go od talke rs

m u st b e carefu l n ot to overshad ow othe rs i f th ey ,

wou l d give pleasu re A fl u ent talke r i s apt to be

.

ove r eager to say wh at he h as i n m i nd an d h is

-
,

co nvers atio n O fte n beco mes a m o no logu e A p ro .

fe s s io n al talker i s a p rofessional bo re .

’
A t tabl e on e s hou l d n ot engross o n e s n eighb o r
by co nversatio n howeve r charm i n g s o that he i s
, ,

u nabl e to satisfy his appetite and i n som e m easu re

to app re ci ate what h i s hostess h as been at pai ns

to p rovid e C o u rtesy excl u des th e i ntrod u cti o n
.

o f all su bj ects cal cu lated to excite heated argu

m ent u npleasant d iscu ssi on o r anyth ing that m ay
, ,

be obnoxi ou s to any one p resent .

U po n the retu rn o f the m e n to the d rawi ng

r oo m to rej oi n the l ad ies t here i s so meti mes an
36 7
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

awkward m o ment A s u ggestive O pe nin g m ay b e

.

to carry o n the ce ntral i de a o f the talk j u st con

c lu d ed i n the d i nin g ro o m A m an m ay s ay We
-
.
,

h ave bee n h avi ng a m ost i nteresti n g d isc ussi o n

s i n ce yo u left u s and th e lady m ay ask
, Wh at ,

have yo u m e n b een talki ng abo u t th at called fo rth

”
s u ch spo ntaneo u s l au ghter ? I t i s u n necessary
to add th at gentle m en d o no t d i sc u ss i n the n ei gh
b o rh o o d o f ladi es m atte rs that c o u ld n ot be
repeated i n thei r hearin g and it i s a ru le that ,

sho ul d wo rk both ways .

T he famo u s M ad a m e Recam ie r sai d that sh e

always fou n d two wo rds s u fficed to m ake he r
gu ests feel thei r welco me U p o n thei r .

”
arrival she excl aim ed A t last l an d “

when they to ok l eave she s ai d A l ,

“

ready If take n l ite rally we sh o u ld dep re cate ,

the fl atte ry F l atte ry i s i nsi ncere p raise and

.
,

wrongs h i m that gives and hi m th at takes

“
.

I t i s someti mes ki n de r to accept a co m pli me nt

than to parry it O n e m ay say Thank you i t
.
“
,

i s pleasant to b e see n throu gh s u ch ki nd ! o r

”
partial ) eyes o r pe rh aps
, It i s a com fort to
, ,
“

kn ow th at fri en dsh i p i s partly bl i nd as well as the

mytho logic al b oy o r any no nsense that se rves to
,

sh o w th at o ne app reciates the spi rit that p rompted

the ki n d exp ressi ons h oweve r wid e o f the t ru th
,
.

The frequ e n t repetitio n o f th e n am e o f the pe rso n

ad d ress ed holds a s u btl e compl i me nt i m plyi ng ,

’
m ore com plete co ncentratio n o f the sp eaker s
tho u ght u pon h i s o r he r perso nality .

3 68
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IO NS

d essert We refe r to o u r si ste rs sweethea r ts

. ,
, ,
”
and wi ves witho u t th e p refix o f M iss o r M rs “
.

L o rd R obe rts fo r i nstance i n his au t o b io gra

, ,
'

phy s ays I m et my fate i n the fo rm o f N o ra

,

B ews .
”
H e d oes n ot say M iss N ora no r do es ,
”

a l ady i n E nglan d eve r spe ak o f h er h u sban d as

“
M r S m ith any m o re th an she wo u l d of h e r
.
,
”
d au ghte r as M i ss S m ith to h er fri ends an d
“
,

e qu als S he says
. my h u sband as O f co u rse , , ,
”
sh e s ays my d au ghte r o r c alls the m by n am e
“
, ,

and i n A m eri c a we are fast fol lowi n g he r example .

”
A m an i s p l ai n S m ith to hi s men fri ends an d s o ,

re fe rre d to by th e m We u se d to b e m u ch ri d i .

c u l e d fo r o u r exaggerati o n o f mo desty i n co n
versati o n A n E nglish m an o nc e to ld an A m eric an
.

”
gi rl that he h ad rec e ived a l i mb acy fro m an “ -

old au nt seekin g to ad apt h is conversati o n to hi s

,

h earer .

The Bi bl e wo rd s ick i s o nly u sed to exp ress

“

nau sea i n E ngl and a n d we too h ave ado pted th e

,

wo rd i ll i n its stead O n e wo u ld b e elegant

“
- -
.

yo un g wo m an i n the c o u ntry aske d the write r if

sh e we re sea ill o n he r retu rn voyage !-

Ph rases th at are con si de r ed so p rovi n ci al as to

grad e th e s peaker are C om m en d m e to you r ,
“

”
goo d wi fe O u r hom e i s at
,
“
We h ave “

” ’
co mpany and to refer to o ne s relatives as C o us i n
,

” “
M ary , U ncle J ohn to stran ge rs i s not i n , ,

goo d taste u nless with the p refac e o f th e p erson al

p ron ou n followe d by th e s u rn am e My u n cle , ,

”
M r Jo ne s
. .

3 7°
 C O NVER S ATI O N

A m u ch ri d i c ul ed p h rase i s a lady fri end of “

”
m i ne ,
a ge ntle m an fri end I t is to be ass u me d
-

’
that al l o ne s fri end s are lad ies an d ge ntlem en .

” ”
“
A m an friend of m i ne a lady w h o m I k now
,
.
,

i s s u flflc ie ntl y e xpl i cit N atu ral co u rtesy te ac hes

.

”
u s whe n to say wo m an when lady There ,
“

are those wh o m ay have eve ry i nsti nct o f genti l ity ,

b u t i f thei r p ositio n i n l ife i s not s u c h as i s re c

o gn iz e d by the world they are n ot acco rded the
title of l ady .

I n the S ociety wh ich spells i tself with a c ap ital

S th ere i s a fashio n i n p ro nu nci ati o n
,
co nform
ity to whose shibboleths m arks t h e exact ru n g o f
the so ci al ladder to wh ich one belongs In its .

co nve rsati on the fo rm i s ofte n bette r than th e

”
s ubstance The final t i n valet is so u n ded
.
,

”
“
paten t rhymes with l atent etc F o rtu n ately “
, .

the te ndency i s toward c o rrectness and si m pl i ci ty ,

an d s m all i nelegances o ffe nd e ars fastid io u s .

S lang vu l gariz es the l angu age n o m atte r how ,

p iqu ant and p ithy i t m ay seem Th e u se o f it .

,

begu n i n fu n end s i n a h ab it S o m e o ne S l an
,
.

g
h as sai d th at slang i s langu age i n th e
“

m aking and i t i s tru e th at what is l i n gu i stic

,

h ete rodoxy i n on e age is o rth odoxy i n the nex t ,

b u t o ne m ay l eave the pi o neer wo rk to othe rs w ith ,

advantage to o u r own spe ech E speci ally d o .

slan g ph rases seem to co arsen the c onversation of

you ng wo m en L owell says o f C hau ce r th at h e
.

fo u n d h i s n ative tongu e a d i alect and l eft i t a l an

gu age The p rocess m ay b e reversed A l ready
. .

3 7I
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

a le arned p rofesso r h as asc ri bed the d ete ri o rati o n

O f the E n glish l angu age !whi c h he assu m es as
p rove n ) to the fact that the B ible an d S hake
speare are so m u ch less read than fo rm erly .

As an acco mpli sh m ent the art o f c o nve rs a

“

ti o n has m any advantages I n som e of .

its vari o u s phases i t is always avai lab le ,

and o ne n eve r lacks an i nstru m ent .

A fe w s u ggesti ons m ay serve to show how far

s i m ple go o d m an ners a re a gu id e to s u cces s an d
ch arm i n co nversati o n and those who c harm c an
,

i nflu enc e .

O ffe r to e ach o ne wh o sp eaks th e h om age of

yo u r u nd ivid e d atte nti o n L ook peop l e i n the
.

face when yo u talk to the m We shou ld talk .

ofte n b u t n eve r l ong givi n g others thei r o p p o r

,

t u n ity .C o nve rsati o n sho u l d be li ke a gam e o f

b al l
.

’
S how c ou rteou s resp ect fo r a nothe r s poi nt o f
view I n argu m ent give fai r pl ay
. C o nced e to .

you r op po ne nt hi s fu l l d u e allowin g hi m to fi n
,

ish h is statem e n t witho u t fear o f i nterru ptio n .

U nless pri nc ip le i s i nvolved it i s better to le ave

,

h i m apparently m aste r o f the fiel d th an p rol ong

a d iscu ssi o n beyo nd the l i mi ts of good taste Yo u .

wi ll sn atch vi ctory fro m d e feat .

The best substitute fo r wisd o m i s s i lence N eve r .

clai m to k now thi ngs o f whi ch yo u are i gn o rant .

S o m e o ne will see th rou gh th e sh am A c k n o w l .

ed ge you r i gno ran ce frankly and natu rally .

H ave convictio ns o f yo u r own B e yo u rsel f and.

3 72
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S ION S

m ake co nsp i c u o u s and h ides the rest wi th cleve r

,

d rape ry .

O u r wo rst regrets a re fo r the th i ngs o ne h as sai d ,

n ot fo r th ose we h ave left u nsaid .

D raw o u t yo u r nei ghbo r witho ut c atechisi n g

h i m C o rrect h i m i f n ecessary withou t c ontra
. , ,

d i ctin g h im A vo i d m ann erism s and p rovi nc i al

.

i sm s A m on g the l atter non e i s wo rse than th e

.

”
m istaken p oli teness o f sayi n g Yes si r No ,
“
, ,
“
,
’ ” ’
m a am to o ne s e qu al
, .

I t i s a d isti nct d i sco u rtesy fo r two person s to

begi n o r co ntinu e a co nversatio n i n whi ch a thi rd
perso n who h as j o in ed the m can h ave n o interest ,

u nless by a few wo rds o f explanatio n o r apo logy

, ,

he o r she m ay b e d rawn i nto i t and m ay at least

l i s ten i ntel li gently .

M ake o f you r m i n d a treasu ry fro m whi c h to

d raw b its of ente rtai ni n g i n fo rm atio n pithy an ,

e c d o t e good sto ri es a p ropos ti mely quotati on s o f

, ,

stron g h elpfu l thou ghts —that whateve r s ubj ect ,

m ay ari se yo u will h ave som eth in g to co ntrib ute

, .

Th e wish to p raise t o say pl easant thi n gs i s an

, ,

a m i able o n e and adds grace to c onversati o n whe re

,

the re i s an ho nest ch an ce fo r i t witho u t fl atte ry .

I n society th e fi rst d uty of man and wom an i s to

be agreeable S i r A rth u r Hel ps says Whe n w it
.
,

i s ki nd as wel l as pl ay fu l wh en i n fo rm ati o n knows ,

how to be si lent as wel l as h ow to speak whe n ,

good will i s sh own to the absent as wel l as to those

wh o are p resent we m ay kn ow th at we are i n good
,
”
soc iety .

3 74
 C fi ap t e r Tw e n ty o a r t é —S O C I A L
f -

C O RRESP O N DEN C E

L ETTE R tells m o re tha n th e n ews

it co ntai ns o r the senti m e nt i t e x
p resses , i t i s a re velati on o f th e
characte r an d c u ltu re o f the writer ,

and altho u gh the m atter d ep e nd s

u po n m ental and m o ral q u al ities the m an n e r m ay
,

be ac qu i red by any o n e .

N o t only th e writi n g b u t th e choi c e o f note

,

pap e r i s an i nd ex o f taste and o ften betrays even

, ,

th e soc i al position of th e writer Plai n

S t a t i o n e ry
.

white o r c ream wh ite paper rou gh o r ,

s mooth and u nl i ned i s always i n goo d taste

, .

B ank note pape r whi te or very pal e b l u e o r o f a

-
,

deli cate shade o f p earl gray is u sed by p erso n s fond

-
,

o f n ovelty Thi ck E nglish li n en p ap er e ncl ose d

.
,

”
i n a s qu are o r cou rt sized e n velop e wh ich ,

allows on e fold o f the p ap er o r an O bl ong e uve

,

lop e requ i ri ng two folds and c losed wi th s eali n g

,

’
wax that b ears th e writer s c rest o r m o n ogram ,

always re m ai ns the m ost elegant station ery fo r a

c e re moni o u s n ote th ro u gh all ch an ges o f fash io n
, .

In these d ays o f hu rri ed l ivin g few care to

take the ti m e to u se seal in g wax S t V itus h as . .

bee n s u ggested as the pat ro n s ain t fo r A m erican

wom en ! When wax i s u sed there sho uld be n o
,

3 75
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

m u c i l age o n the envelop e A n e mb ossed o r c ol .

’
o red add res s the n ame of o ne s co u ntry ho u s e
,
-
,

o r a m i n i atu re m onogra m en clo s e d by a wreath

’
o r sc ro ll gives a p retty fi n is h to o ne s n ote p ap er
,
-
.

Both m onogra m an d add ress a r e so meti mes u s ed .

The re i s noth i ng o n th e e nvel ope C rests are not .

go o d fo rm o n stati o nery u nless u s ed by pe rso n s

o f rank I n E nglan d me n o nly u se the m and a
. , ,
”
wo m an has her arm s o n a loz enge wi tho u t
“

c rest o r m otto th e i de a be in g that s h e doe s n ot

,

belo ng o n th e b attlefiel d o f l i fe H e r h u s band i s .

the warri o r ; hen ce h e c arri es all warlike e mbl em s .

Perso ns i n deep m o u rn i ng h ave o n the i r note

p ap e r a borde r of bl ack abo u t th ree ei ghth s o f a n -

i n ch wi de Those weari n g l i ghter m ou rn i n g m ay

.

h ave a bo rd e r hal f th is wi dth o r a mere bl ack l i ne

with the m o nogram Wi dows and wi dowe rs grad
.

u ate the b orde rs o n thei r note p aper ; othe rs u se

th e s ame wi dth thro u gh ou t the peri o d o f m ou rnin g .

M e n show good taste i n u si n g o nly plai n wh ite

pape r of exc elle nt qu ality I f i t bea r arm s c rest
.
, ,

o r m onogram i t i s prefe rab ly e mbossed i n wh ite

, .

M en generally fi n d i t co nve ni ent to wri te the i r

l ette rs at thei r cl ub s where pape r i s p rovided
, ,

with the stam p o f th e o rgan iz ation .

A gentl ewo m an no l on ger u s es perfu med n ote

pape r A very fai nt trace of vi olets o r the pe r
.

fu m e fro m s achets of o rri s roo t are the o nly

exceptio ns .

A postal c ard s ho u ld b e u sed only fo r a b ri ef

mess age o r fo r a b u sines s o rder n eve r as a s ub s t i
,

3 76
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

th e writi n g not c arrie d qu ite to the ed ge o f the

page O n e begi ns a lette r ab o u t two i n c hes fro m
.

the top o f the sh eet A t a n ew p aragrap h whi ch

.
,

sho u ld i ntrod u c e eac h n e w s ubj ect a m argi n o f ,

an i n ch i s left U nd erli nin g i s p e rm i ssibl e o nly

.

i n ve ry i nfo rm al c om m u n ic ati ons an d sh o u l d b e ,

u se d s p ari ngly then A c rossed lette r i s ap t to.

m ake a c ross read e r an d o ne wri tten i n p encil ,

i s u np ard o nable The w ri ti ng sh ou ld neve r b e

.

c rowded no r p arts of wo rd s ru n d o w n the m argi n

,

o f the pape r Pape r i s now s o i ne xp ensive th at there

.

i s no exc u s e fo r the h al f sheets that u sed to be -

avai labl e i f the m atte r o v e rflo w e d th e s i n gl e sheet .

I t i s the fash i o n O f th e ho u r to write a n ote across

th e fi rst and fo u rth p ages the n len gthwi se ac ro ss ,

the secon d a n d thi rd I ts exc u se i s th at o n e m ay

.

sp re ad o pe n th e sh eet an d wri te t w o pages before

tu rn i ng i t S o m e pe rs ons p refer i n a s hort n ote
.

to write o n th e fi rst and th i rd p ages t h e n lengthwis e ,

o n the s eco n d l eavi ng th e fo u rth blank

, an ad ,
-

vantage in n eatn ess o f app earan c e whe n the n ote

i s fold ed .

L ette rs howeve r are wri tten i n th e o rde r i n

, ,

which th e pages co m e an d sh o u l d h ave the ad ,

d ress of th e wri te r and the d ate at the top o f the

fi rst page Th e d ate o f the year i s w ritte n i n
.

n u m eral s I n a note th ese wou ld fol l ow the sig

.

n atu re a l ittle to the l eft o f th e p age I n a s h ort

,
.

n ote si m ply the day o f the week need b e m en

t io n e d I f the add ress be stam ped u po n the
.

pape r it i s not repeated

, .

3 78
 S O CIAL C O RRE S P O NDENCE

F o r s om e i n s crutable rea s o n My d ea r is ,
“

c o nsi dered i n A m e ri ca m o re cerem on i o u s than

, ,

D ear I n E n gland they h old th e c o ntrary

O p i n ion . It h as a fri en dly s ou nd i n b egi nn in g a ,

note to waive th e u su al fo rm and pl u nge i nto the

,

su bj ect at o nc e as I a m m ore ple ased than I

, ,
”
c an exp re ss dear M rs B lank j u st as Jack m y
, .
,
“
,

”
d ear s o u n ds m ore i ntim ate m ore te nd e r than
, , ,
”
My d ear J ack .

There are gram m ati c a l qu i cksan ds and o ne wh o ,

has d i ffic u lty i n spelli ng sho u ld have a d i ctio n ary

at h and N oth i ng i s m o re to b e d eplo re d than
.

bad spell ing A typ e written lette r i s o n ly ad

.
-

m issi bl e fo r b u si ness co m m u nicati o ns E ve n i n .

s u ch m ac hine mad e ep istles the si gnatu re sho u ld

-

be written by hand L etters writte n o n bu s i ne s s

.

p ape r sho u l d be co nfine d to the c o m m e rc ial

wo rld .

To every o ne o u ts i de o f the fam ily c i r cl e th e ,

C hristia n and su rn ame sho u ld b e si gned i n fu ll .

Th e A m eric an fash io n o f re p resenti n g the m i dd le

nam e by an i n iti al h as bee n greatly ridic u led .

E ithe r both i nitial s o r the ful l n am e sho u l d b e

u sed G o od taste co nde mns n icknam e s A m a r
.
.

ri ed wo m an writes he r n am e M ary B ruce Talbot ,

a nd i n a b u si ness letter ad d s beneath it i n brack

ets !Mrs J o h n Talbot ] fo r the i n fo rmatio n of h e r
,

c orresp o nde nt exc ept whe n w ri ti n g to a s ervant

, .

A n u n m arri ed wo m an wri tes M i ss i n b rackets ,

be fo re he r fu l l name to a stran ger whe n a reply i s

,

expected .

3 70
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS
’
O nly a pe rso n s n am e s hou l d be s igned n eve r ,

h is titl e A n a rmy o r n aval o fli c e r i n fo rm al o r

.

p u bli c co m m u n i cati ons however adds h is title , ,

b elow hi s s i gnatu r e M ism atched p ape r an d e n .

v e l o p es betray u nti di ness .

I n add ressi n g th e envelope we c opy th e E n gli s h ,

fash i o n o f o m i tti n g the m i ddle i n iti al an d write th e ,

A dd r e s s nam e o u t i n fu ll It sho u ld b e writte n .

in g t h e d isti n ctly lest we lead bewild e re d p o s t,

e n v e l ° Pe
m en i nto perplexity and m ake thei r task
th e harder Jo h n S mith E sq
.
“ ”
i s th e m ore , .

cou rteo u s fo rm o f add ressi n g a gentl em an than

M r Joh n S m ith thou gh i n s i de the lette r o ne
.
,

says D ear M r S m ith

,
“
M rs D r B rown i s n o
. . . .

”
l ess i nco rrect than M rs S hopkeep er Jon es ! “
.

’
A wo m an do es not s h are h e r hu sband s title .

Bec au se o ne calls a fri end by a p et n a m e it ,

sho u ld no t appea r o n the su per s cri pti o n o f an

envelope M iss Kitti e B lank shou ld be known
.

”
to the postman as M iss Katheri ne B lank When .

”
th e wo rd J r i s u se d to d istingu ish a so n fro m
“
.

his fath er it fo rm s p a rt o f the name and i s u sed

,

befo re al l titles as S yd ney S m i th Jr M D

,
“ ”
, .
, . .

”
The abb revi ati o n N o be fo re fi gu re s i n an “
.

add ress i s n o lon ge r u sed the wo rd street i s ,

“

writte n i n fu ll and o n s oci al notes o ne d oes n ot

,

”
ad d Town o r C ity It i s s u perfl uou s ; n eith e r
“
.

i s it n ecessary to add the n am e o f c o u ntry o r S tate

afte r L o ndo n Pari s N ew York C hi cago Ph il ad e l
, , , ,

phi a etc
, The si gn
. fo r I n care o f and it “
, ,

”
stand i ng fo r the wo rd n u mbe r are O b s o lete as , ,

3 80
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

”
yo u rs i s n ot ap p ro p ri ate except by a p erso n
.

ad d ress i ng a S u peri o r never between s oci al e qu als

, .

”
L ad i es are addressed as M ad am ,

”
o r D ear M adam
“
whethe r m arried,

o r u n m a rri ed B u sin ess lette rs sho u ld

.

b e b rief an d speci fic They sho u ld h ave the

.

n ame an d ad d ress o f the pe rso n wri tten to

’
b elow th e writer s si gnatu re at the left o f th e ,

page o r the n am e w it h o u t the add res s at the b e

,
”
gi n ni n g before the D ear S i r
,
The d ate and .

ye ar shou ld not b e o m itted .

R etu rn postage sho u ld b e enclo s ed whe n a lette r

’
i s se nt fo r o ne s pe rso nal be nefit an d an an swe r i s
expecte d I n sen di n g stam ps they sho u ld not
.
,

be slippe d loosely i nsi d e the l ette r l est they b e ,

d ropped o r ove rlooked o r so carelessly a ffixed to

,

the pape r as to m ake it di fficu lt to detac h them ,

b u t p referably pl ace d On an e nvelop e ad d ressed to

’
o ne s self Th is sho u l d i ns u re a p rom pt reply
. .

A lady i n qu i ri n g o f anothe r a n add ress o r th e

ch aracte r o f a servant need n o t e nclose a stam p ,

u nless she ask that the answe r mi ght be sent

qu i ckly whe n s he wou ld e nclos e a n e nvelop e
, ,

stamp ed an d ad d ressed .

I nvitati ons h ave bee n co nsid e red i n a previ o u s

chapte r L ette rs acknowledgi ng hospitality shou ld
.

be s o wo rded as to give assu ranc e of gratefu l

app rec iati o n A reply to a j oi n t note o f i nvi tatio n
.

fro m several m embers of a ho u se h ol d shou ld con

tai n an al l us io n to each b ut the enve lop e sho u ld be
,

ad d res s ed to th e seni o r o r to th e wi fe o r mothe r .

3 82
 S O CIAL C O RRE S P O NDENCE

J oyo us ness an d spontane ity sho u ld c ha racte riz e

a note o f c ongratu lati o n The re m u st be nothi n g
.

force d noth in g t o s u ggest artifi c ial ity No t e s o f

,
.

M i n dfu l o f the com m and me nt to t e c o n gra t u “

l am “
j o i ce with the m that rej oi ce we m u st ,

s u m m on o u r m ost genero u s i mp u lses and let the m

i nsp i re u s .

’
A c heery l ittle note o f greeti ng o n a frie n d s
bi rthday whe re a g ift wo u ld not b e expe cte d
, ,

rarely fai ls to give plea s u re N othi n g wi n neth.

“

”
so m u c h at so l ittl e cost .

To a you ng mot her a few wo rd s of sym p athy

i n h e r new j oy is o ne of the d ebt s th at fri end sh ip
sho u l d rej o ice to p ay A n ewly m ad e grand
.
-

m am m a recently rece ived the followi ng : I was

always s u re th at yo u wou ld be so meth i n g grand ,

and now yo u are a grand m other !

E nthusi as m find s r eady expressi o n b u t n o gi ft ,

sho ul d ever b e received withou t th e form al cou r

tesy o f an acknowled gm ent N O o n e .

No t e s o f
n e ed b e afrai d o f givi n g a s u e r fl u ity
p t h an k s
”
o f th anks u nless they are gu sh i ngly “

o r poo rly exp ressed I f possi ble a note of thanks

.
,

sh o u ld b e sent i m med iately u pon the rece ipt of

a gift , it loses its grace by bein g defe rred ,

an d i t i s the l amest o f exc u s es fo r d el ay to

s ay I waited because I wished to th ank yo u i n
,

”
perso n .

M any pe rso ns sh ri nk fro m writin g letters o f

co n dol ence They fear to be i ntru si ve an d u n
.

welc o m e yet a ny on e who knows with wh at ap

,

3 83
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

p reci ati on letters o f rea l sym pathy a re re ceive d

by those i n so rrow wi ll gladly m ake the e ffo rt .

N otes o f c ond olenc e sh o u l d be as

N o t e s o f p romp t as the co mpas s i o n ate i mpu ls e
c o n do l en ce
.

They n ee d not b e long —a few stron g

,

lovi ng wo rds are m o re welcom e th an p ages th at

fatigu e the attenti on an d make the tear s well u p
afresh They s ho u ld n ot above all see m p e rfu n c
.
, ,

to ry bu t sym p atheti c and s i nce r e

, ,
l ike a wa r m ,

cl i ngi ng h and c lasp -

.
“
Wo rds c annot reach yo u r
”
s orrow I can o nly p ress yo u r han d i n s ilence
.
,

wrote L o ngfe llow to a fri e n d i n tro u ble .

The co m m o np la c es o f co nsolati o n ofte n i ncrease

the pai n they a re m eant to soothe It i s s om e .

ti me s
Th e b u tte rfly u p o n the ro ad,

P re ac h i n g c o n t e n tm e n t to th e to ad .

Word s m u st co m e fro m the heart to fi nd thei r

way to the h e art and those who h ave felt the
,

sam e sorro w know b est wh at to s ay and l eave

u nsai d R u ski n on ce wrote to a fri en d I feel
. ,
“

too m uch sym p athy with yo u to be able to write

”
o f i t G od bless yo u !
.

D well n ot o n the loss o f tho s e le ft behi nd b u t ,

o n the gai n of the o n e who h a s passed i nto the

fu lle r li fe Q u ote al l the ki n d thi ngs sai d o f hi m
.
,

tell o f any grace o r good ness th at c an be recalled .

TO h ear the d ear o n e p rais ed gives pleasu re

eve n i n th e m i dst o f pai n Write legibly E yes
. .

bl i nd ed by tear s o r ti red fro m weep i n g a re easily

taxe d .

384
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

’
n ot severed i n sp i ri t by d istance Men delssoh n s
.

l etters so meti mes o pened with a bar o f m u si c an d ,

G ustav D o ré i ll u m i nated h is with s ketches o n the

m argi n b u t o rd i nary m o rtal s m ay h ave th e gi ft
,

o f sel f expressio n an d o u t o fthe h ea rt lette rs are

-
,
- - -

possibl e to all .

The wo rds th at l ove co i n s h ave al w ays the

ri n g o f tru e metal N ath an i el H awtho rn e begin s
.

”
a lette r to h is wi fe Be l o ve d e s t
“
and tells he r
th at h e h as re re re—
, ,

-
peru sed her lette r
-
.

L e tt e sr b e
N o ne d are O ffe r s u g gestions fo r l ove
t w e e n rn e n l etters U nless the heart i nspi re the m
.
,

an d W ° m en
they are b est u nwritten .

’
A m an sho u ld i nvari ably answe r a wo m an s l e t
ter i nstantly B u t a wo m an shou l d not wri te to a
.

m a n i f sh e c an avo id i t ; b u t wh en nee d arise i t ,

sho u l d be so m ewh at fo rm al A gen tl em a n wi ll

.

n eve r keep a co m p ro misi n g lette r sho u ld h e re ,

c e ive o n e ,
esp eci ally fro m a wom an H e can not .

know i nto whose h and s i t m ay fal l i n case o f d eath

o r acci dent to h i m sel f .

Beyond th e i ntercha n ge o f b ri e f l ittl e notes fo r

wh ich there i s s ome reaso n an d with th e app roval
of the p arents a c orrespo ndence between yo u n g
,

m e n and wo me n shou l d be d iscou rage d u nles s

they are b etrothed .

HO W t o E very ed u c ated pe rs o n is expected to

w rit e a know h ow to wri te a gracefu l note and
r e ad a bl e
a readabl e lette r .

l e tt e r
We so meti mes m agn i fy th e d i ff i cu lty .

F ri endly feeli ng si nce ri ty and , s i m p li city are

,

3 6
8
 S O CIAL C O RRE S P O NDENCE

amo n g the essentials By way o f advi ce I wo u ld

.

s ay C onj u re b efore yo u the face an d p erso nal ity

,

o f yo u r co rrespo nd ent and write as yo u wou ld

,

speak i f h e o r she we re present .

’
L o ngfellow s advice i n regard to a d ifli c ul t o r
”
d i stastefu l task w as Begi n i t and th e d is in c l in a ,

ti on o fte n vanis hes .

D O not be h am pered by co nventi o nal ity L isten .

to yo u r o w n tho u ghts an d express the m eve n i f ,

they s eem c ru de I wri te i n o rde r to h ea r fro m

.

”
yo u , a sp rat to c atch a sal mo n
-
s ays on e ; an d ,

an othe r with m ore senti m ent My tho u ghts whe n ,

le ft al on e tu rn re ad i ly to yo u and a th i rd A nd , ,

I shal l see yo u ! I l au gh all by myself when I

”
thi nk o f it o u t of sh ee r gladnes s !
,

S o m e letters s ee m to O p en wi n d ows and l et i n

fresh ai r and su n sh i n e To i nval ids an d
. sh u t “

”
i ns letters b ri ng gl i m p s e s o f the o utsid e wo rld ,

i f the write r w il l .

D o not take u p mo re roo m with a n apology fo r

n ot h avi ng w ritten b efo re than c an be helpe d .

E xcuses are o ften as i llogical as th at O f th e b oy

’
wh o wrote D ear S iste r I d o n t know wh at to
,
“
,

say becau se — it rains !

,
L ette rs are like d ebt s ,

— h arder to p ay wh en ove rd u e .

S peak fi rst o f the i nterests o f yo u r co rrespo nd

e nt and afte r ward o f those which co nce rn yo u rsel f .

’
R ead ove r yo u r fri end s lette r j u st befo re b egi n
n ing yo u r reply and then ans w er i t .

I f we are d isco u raged si ck o r sad let u s n ot

, , ,

c h o o s e that mo ment i n wh i ch to writ e a lette r .

387
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS ION S

S o m e o ne h as s ai d th at a rai ny d ay p uts u s i n
th e m oo d fo r lette r writin g L ow han gi n g clo u ds
-
.
-

m ake the wo rl d s ee m s mall .

N eve r write anythi ng over yo u r s ign atu re o f

which yo u m ight l ate r b e asham ed O u r letters .

are ofte n lo n ge r l ive d than o u rselves and m ay eve nt

-
,

u al l y b e re ad by eyes not yet open to th e l ight .

The ch aracte r o f the o n e add resse d sho u l d b e

con s id e r ed and the co nten ts o f the lette r ad apted
,

to h i s tastes an d te m p eram ent .

L etters to child re n sho u l d b e Writte n with s u c h

c are and m ade so i nte resti ng that they will s e r ve a s
L e tt e r s t o
example and stand ard an d fu rn i sh, a n
ch i l d r e n i ncentive fo r the m to reply A writte n .

an d o l d reb u ke s ee m s d o u bly hard C h ild ren .

,

P°° Pl ° especially sho u ld receive o nly pleas ant

,

m atter th ro u gh the m ai ls i f they are to be e n

,

c o u rage d to write th em selves .

A degree of d efe re nce sh o u ld always appe ar i n

letter s to ol de r p eopl e .

M istakes i n lan gu age o r li ttle slips i n th e u s e o f

a ve rb whi ch m ay b e ove rlooked i n speaki ng o f
, ,

fe n d al l ou r sens ibi l iti es whe n written A dj e c .

t ive s e mphasize o nly whe n u sed sp ari ngly .

The rec i p ient of a letter i s by cou rtesy bo u nd to

s u spe nd all c riti ci s m he m u st not eve n
,
A p o in t o f '

t/z z rzé dep rec ati ngly of a lette r rec eived

ho no r
.

M any h es itate to wri te feari n g c riti cis m

, .

N ever allow any o n e to read a lette r i ntend ed

fo r you r eye s alon e . I t i s i ntruste d to yo u r
hon o r even i f not s o expl icitly s tated
, .

3 88
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

o r i n iti als an d a li ne d raw n throu gh the e ngraved

,

n am e i f as i s u su al i t h as a p refix If the m essage

, , .

i s w ri tten o n the b ac k o nly th e e n grave d n am e i s ,

left.

L ast wo rd s sho u ld b e l i ke a parting kiss o r a

”
li n geri ng h an d clasp -
With all my h eart Yo u rs
.
“
.

s ays a go od d eal Joh n Wi nth rop far .

,
L e av e
t ak i n g
fro m w i fe an d ho m e si gned h i mself to ,

”
he r Th i ne Wheresoever , Th e F re nch .

h ave a l abo ri o u s if co u rtly way o f taki ng l eave i n

,

fo rm al co rresp o nd e n ce A c c ept S i r the exp res ,

“
, ,
”
s i o n o f my m ost d i sti ngu ished c onsi de ratio n b u t ,

a favori te e nd i ng amo n g fri end s is I ki s s yo u as ,

“

ten derly as I love you .

When add ressi n g p ersons of rank we are n at ,

u ral l y anxi o u s to kn ow and fol low the co nventi on s .

Add re s s i n g A l ette r to th e Presi d en t o f the U n ited

”
p e rs o n s S tates sh ou ld begi n with S i r and ,

O ffi t l e c oncl u d e I h ave th e h ono r to b e S i r

, , ,
”
yo u r most obed ie nt s ervant Th e add re s s o n the .

en velop e sho ul d b e The President E xec u tive “

,

M ansi on Wash i ngto n D C

,
Th e V i ce Presid ent
, . .
-

wo u ld b e ad d ressed afte r th e sam e m an ner ; the

su pe rsc ri pti on The V i c e Presid ent H o n Theo
,
-
, .

d o re R oosevelt .

I f o ne h ave o c c asio n to add ress K in g E dward ,

”
V I I , begi n S i r and co ncl u d e I h ave the h o no r
.
, ,
“

’ ”
to be S i r Yo u r Maj esty s m ost obed i ent servant
, ,
.

L et persons o f rep u bl ic an scru ples reflect that

th e ph raseology is b u t a form d emand ed by co u r ,

te o u s c u sto m fo r the o f fi ce n ot th e m an A dd r ess

,
.

39°
 S O CIAL C O RRE S P O NDENCE

H i s Maj esty th e Ki ng L o ndo n

, To ad d E n g
, .

l and i s su pe rfl u o u s regar ded as a p rovi nci ali s m

,

by the E nglish the mselves .

I n wri tin g to th e Pop e begi n You r H ol iness , ,

a nd con cl u d e as with the o the rs A d d ress H i s .

“

”
H oliness Pop e, R o me Th e m em bers of .

th e C abi net are add ressed by thei r titles wi th that ,

o f H ono rabl e ad ded To the Ho no rabl e th e

,
“

”
S ec reta ry of S tate Th e n ame wo u ld be s u pe r
.

fl u o us
. A n i nvitatio n wo u ld read To the S ec ,
“

r e t ar
y o f S tate and M rs H ay . .

To a D uke o ne writes My L o rd D uke a n d “

,
’
s i gns o ne s sel f wi th the u sual p reamble Yo u r ,
“

’
G rac e s m ost obedi e nt s ervant A dd res s His .
“

G rac e the D u ke o f
“
S ir an d M ada m are th e m ost resp ectfu l
“

fo rm s o f add ress and m ay be app lied to any on e

, ,
”
b u t a Ba ro n i s u su ally add ressed as My L o rd ,

and th e e nvelope d i rected to The R ight Hon o r

abl e th e L o rd A bb reviati o ns m ay b e u sed
o n the e nvelo pe neve r i nsid e a lette r
, .

To a C ardi n al of th e R o m an C atholi c C hu rc h
”
begi n “
Yo u r E m i nen ce A dd ress To H i s .
“

E mi nen ce !C hristi an n am e) C ardin al

TO an A rc hbish op i n E ngland begi n My “

L ord A rchbishop an d co ncl u de

, I h ave th e ,
“

’
”
G race s m ost h u mble se rvant A dd ress Th e .
“

m ost R eve rend H is G rac e th e L o rd A rch

bishop o f I n th e U nited S tates begi n
”
The m o st R eve ren d Sir To a B isho p i n .

I
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

E ngland begi n My L o rd B i s ho p “
A dd re ss
Th e R ight R evere nd the L ord Bishop o f
To a B ish op i n the U nite d S tates begi n Mo s t
”
R eve re nd S i r A dd ress The R ight R everend
.
“

! C hristi an an d s u rn am e ) D o r T h e R i ght ,

R everend B i shop o f
To a D ean begi n R eve r end S i r A d dres s
“

Th e V e ry R evere n d th e D ean of
To an A rchdeaco n R everend S i r A d dres s
,
“
.

Th e V enerable the A rchdeacon ! su rn ame ) .

To a cle rgym an begi n R everend S i r o r S i r , .

A dd res s The R everen d !C hri sti an an d s u r

“

” ”
n am e ) If a D octo r o f D ivi nity i nse rt Dr ,
“
.

”
after R evere n d o r ad d D D after the n am e . . .

F o r a p ro fesso r the abb revi ated fo rm i s u sed i n

t h e s u pers criptio n Prof W W , .

A ddress a d octo r as D r or MD . . .

A lawye r shou l d b e add ressed a s Es q , .

A S enator C ongress m an M ayo r o r Ju d ge is ad

, , ,
”
d ressed as H o no rable !C h risti an and s u rname )
”
Begi n S i r o r D ear S ir ; c o ncl u d e I h ave the
,
” ”
ho no r to be etc To a G ove r no r begi n S i r
, .
,
“
and co n cl u d e I have th e h on o r to be S i r y o u r
, , ,
” ’
E xcellency s etc, A d d ress H i s E xcellency
.
“
,

th e G overno r of The V i ce Presi dent i s -

ad d ressed M r V ic e Pres ident S i r withi n th e

“
.
-
, ,

letter A n amb assado r wou ld b e add ressed i n a

.

s i m i lar m anne r o r My L ord with the sam e co n

,
“
,

e l u sio n, i f an E ngli shm an S u pe rscri ptio n “ H i s .

E xcel lency !n am e and titles ) the B riti sh A m

b as s ad o r , with add r e s s .

39 2
C /z a p t e r Tw t /z —T A B L E
en t
y ff
- z

MA N N ERS

HE l i n e of soci al d em arcati o n b egins

at the table We e at o nly with o u r
.

”
equ als It was an abo mi n atio n to
.

the E gyptian s t o s it at tabl e wi th ‘

the ali e n peop le o f Is rael and th e ,

J ews b , s ic al i n abi lity wo u ld have tu rn ed

,

u p thei r n oses at h avi n g to d i ne with a S am aritan .

I t i s wi th i n the m em o ry o f som e o f u s when n o

wh ite servant wo u l d eat with a colored bu tle r wh o ,

di ned i n sol itary state i n h is own pantry ; an d caste

p rej u d ic e i nh e res qu ite as stro ngly i n m ore e n
lightened ci rcl es .

G entlefo lk o f all natio nalities observe very n early

the same table c usto ms b u t those wh o lack b reed
,

i n g feed the mselves afte r th e m ann e r that o b

“

tai ns i n thei r own cl ass an d c ou ntry Th e Italians .

hold the fork seve rely u p ri ght an d s aw with th e ,

kn i fe ; the G ermans h ave a p arti al ity fo r ve ry

large m o uthfu l s c onveye d by p referenc e o n the
,

kni fe an d F re nch people are fond of sop pin g u p

,

gravy with bits o f bre ad an d frankly su cki ng thei r

finge rs afterwards m i ndfu l of t h e proverb abo u t
,

thei r pre ced e nce to forks whi le thei r abu s e o f th e

,

fi n ge r b owl fo r m o uth ri nsi ng sh oul d b e tol erated

- -

’
o nly i n th e p rivacy O fo ne s b ed roo m .

394
 TAB L E M AN N ER S

The E nglis h are the l east open to rep roach ,

perhaps and thei r h ighe r classes give to the wo rl d

,

l aws for the p rop e r beh avio r at tabl e wh ic h w e

re co gn iz e as b i ndi n g .

Well b red pe rsons are p robably u n consc i o u s of

-

c o nfo rm i ng to any spec i al stan dard b u t they are ,

as qu i ck to d etect a l apse as th e train ed e ar o f a

m u s ici an to n ote a d i sco rd and are n ot m o re ,

ch aritably disp ose d towa rds the o ffen de r .

It i s at the ho m e table that refo rm sh o u l d

begi n The re m ust b e rehears al i f we wo u l d
.

’
p lay o u r parts acceptably o n the wo rl d s stage A .

b oo r b ehi nd the sce nes n eve r appe ars a r eally fi n e

gentlem an b efo re the fo otli ghts .

A t a d i nne r to whi ch gu ests are b id de n th e m e n

hel p to seat the l ad ies befo re taki n g thei r own
,

p l aces O n e s ho uld s it so as to bri ng D i n n e r

.

the body abo ut h al f a foot fro m the t a bl e

tabl e and say a fe w w o rds to e ithe r e t iq u e t t e

,

ne ighbo r whethe r o n e h as bee n p resented o r n ot

, .

Th e n ame c ard i s u sefu l as a sem i i ntrod u cti o n i f

- -

o ne can m anage to see it .

The n apki n i s u nfold ed to h al f its ampl itu d e an d

l ai d across th e lap The wo me n remove thei r.

gloves It i s extrem ely bad fo rm to place th e m i n a

.

wi neglass as so me h ave do ne and to tu ck the m i n

, ,

at the wrist leavin g the arm s co vered i s n ot i n

, ,

the best taste .

The oyste rs co m e fi rst an d are eate n wh ol e , ,

with the app ropri ate fork Peopl e so meti me s try .

to eat only the soft part with d isastro u s res u lts , .

39 5
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S ION S

I f o n e d oes not take wi ne a gestu re o f d isse n t,

i s s u ffi cie nt to exp res s the p re ference an d o n e ,

sho u ld be o n the alert to p revent its bei ng p o u red

i f l ate r o n the servants are fo rgetfu l O ut o f
, , .

’
consi d erati o n fo r o n e s ho st o n e wo u ld not waste
,

what i s su pposed to be cho ice and costly It is .

growi n g to b e u nfash io n able to serve m any

wi n es an d i n b ette r taste fo r l ad i es to c o nfin e
,

the mselve s to a si ngle gl ass o r re fu s e th em alto

gethe r S ou p i s taken no isel essly fro m the si d e
.

o f the sp oon m ou staches h ave a sp ec i al d is

,
-

p e n s at io n N O
. o ne takes so u p twi c e o r tip s the ,

plate to se cu re th e last spoo nful Taki n g so u p .

gracefu lly was raised i nto an art by a F re nch

”
m an abo ut fi fty years ago writes D e Q u i ncey , ,

“
who lectu re d u po n it to l ad ies i n L o nd on and ,

the m o s t b ri lli ant d u ches s es o f th at d ay we re

am ongst h is best p u pi ls !
N o o n e u ses a kni fe i n e ati ng fish u n less s ilve r ,

o nes m ad e fo r th e p u rpos e are p rovi d ed A bit

, , .

of b read b roke n b ut neve r c ut is u s u ally s u f

, ,

fi c ie n t as an au xi li ary to the fo rk .

E n t ree s are eaten w ith a fo rk alo ne E ach .

vegetabl e i mp ose s a speci al p u nctil i o A spa ragus .

m ay b e h eld betwe e n the fi ngers and d ipp ed i n

th e s au ce an d bitten o ff i f the stalks are not too
,

sl e nd e r an d p li ant o r i t m ay b e d ivi ded and eaten

,

with a fo rk A rtichokes m ay also be e ate n i n the

.

fi ngers pl u ckin g o ff the leaves o n e by o ne Peas

,
.

are always e ate n with a fo rk In E ngland o ne .

wh o wou ld eat the m with a s p o on wo uld be r e

39 6
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

fi ndi n g seats fo r the m they bo w an d reti re to e n

, ,
’
j oy thei r coffee c i gar s and l i qu e u r s i n eac h othe r s
, ,

co mp any .

U p o n leavi ng th e tabl e it i s c u stom a ry to s et

’
o n e s c hai r eithe r c lo se r to th e table o r at a d i s
tance fro m it to e n abl e others to p as s witho u t
,

i nco nven ie nce .

I f th e ho stes s has take n the trou ble to p rovi d e

h e r gu ests with any tri fli n g s o uven i r p retty m e nu , ,

o r name c ard they s ho u ld n ot ap pear to s light

-
,

the attentio n by fo rgetti n g to take i t as they l eave

the table M any a re tho u ghtles s i n thi s m atte r
.
,

and the hostess n atu rally feels the d isc o u rtesy .

We may cl ai m i n A m eri c a to be fai rly exem pt

fro m glari ng si ns agai nst tabl e eti qu ette bu t we -

need o nly to travel to se e that for o u r

M in o r
p o i n t s o f co m patri ots the re are m any m i no r p oi nts
t a bl e d ese rvi n g thei r reco gniti o n an d th at the ,

e t iq u m e
s u bj ect i s by n o means ben eath se riou s
c onsi de ratio n A t pu bl i c tab les b reed i n g reveals
.

itsel f .

N o o n e requ i re s to b e told not to talk whi le

m asti cati n g b u t i t i s equ ally i nelegant to chew
,

’
w hi le se rvi n g on e s self o r othe rs .

I f ad d ressed u n expectedly o ne m ay n ot b e em ,

b arr as s e d to reply i f th e qu antity take n i nto the

m o u th b e not over l arge -
.

O n e do es n ot p ress a gu est to eat m o re — it

we re best n ot to observe it — n o r assu re h i m t hat
there i s an ab u ndant s upply It were i nvidi o u s fo r
.

hi m to d ou bt i t .

398
 TABLE M ANNER S

Where consi de rati o ns o f health d o n ot fo rbi d ,

i t is p olite to tak e a li ttle o f everyth in g .

D rawin g u po n the tabl e cloth to y i ng ab sent

-
,

m i ndedly wit h the table fu rn i tu re a n d c ru mb li ng ,

’
one s bread a re fo rm s o f n ervou s ne s s a nd i ll
b reedi n g that sho u ld be co ntrolled .

Th e habi t of resti ng the arm o n the tabl e and

b en d i ng the head to d ri nk from c u p o r gl ass ,

o f l ifti n g a s m all plate fro m the tabl e wh i le eati n g

fro m it an d o f h old i ng th e fork i n th e l eft h and
,

wh il e load i ng i t wi th foo d wi th the kni fe are awk ,

ward and p rovi n ci al O n e u s es a fo rk alway s with

.

the right h and e xcept when that m e mb e r holds

th e kni fe to c u t the foo d The hold o f th e kni fe
.

sho u ld be relaxed e nti rely as o ne raises the fo rk

,

’
to o ne s mo u th b u t it rem ai ns u nder the hand
, ,

to be read ily res u m ed .

O nly s u flfic ie n t fo od s houl d be placed u p o n fo rk

o r spoo n to be taken with ease i nto the m o uth ,

whi ch sho u l d receive n ot mo re than hal f the bowl

o f a sp oo n o r tines o f a fork .

A carve r m u st not appear to rem embe r h i m sel f

i n the d istribu tio n O n e wh o selfishly app rop ri
.

ates th e cho ice b its d es erves th e co ntempt of

those who re m ark the acti on as d oes any o ne ,

wh o helps hi mself ove r bou ntifu lly to so m e d ai nty

-
.

N o fo rm of sel fish ness i s s o rep u lsive as th at e x

.

h ib ite d at table . Pre fere nces fo r speci al d ishes

sho u ld n ot be made p rom inent .

Where ch ild ren are h ab it u ally given wh at is

lea s t de s i rabl e they co m e to attach an e x agge r
,

399
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

ate d valu e to the ti dbits and are apt to show i t ,

i n l ate r l ife O n e fam o u s gou rmet h ad a su pr em e

.

d e volai lle p rep ared fo r h i mself co m po sed enti rely ,

” ”
o f th e sp oo n p i ec es o r oysters o f c h ickens
“ “
‘

-
.

He gave as h is reason that his fath er always ate

, ,

that po rti o n h i m sel f and that as a chil d h e h ad

,

l on ged to taste i t .

There are so me s m al l i ne legan ces th at s o me

ti m es escap e general obse rvation .

’
O n e sho u ld neve r l ean b ack ia o n e s chai r ex
cept betwe en th e c o u rses u ntil one h as fi n ished , .

The kni fe an d fork pl aced si de by sid e i s th e

’
signal to the s ervant that h e m ay rem ove o n e s
pl ate.

If the m eats are c arved u po n the table th e head ,

O f the h ou se i n a p u rely j u d icial sp i rit gives to

each what h e o r she l ikes F avo ritis m i n servi n g .

i s to be d ep rec ated The vis iting gu est a n o ld

.
,

perso n an d M othe r are th e only o nes e ntitled

,

to s pec i al co u rtes i es of the ki nd .

I t i s neve r p ro pe r to hol d the fork with the ti ne s

tu rned u pward i n th e left hand I t i s exclusively .

th e p rivi lege o f th e ri ght .

It is i ndispu tably the ri ght o f a free bo rn “ -

”
A m erican to eat h is boi led eggs fro m a glass if ,

he i s so d isp osed b u t he can not co ntrol th e c riti

,

c is m that shall p ro nou nce the actio n p rovi nci al ,

and stigm atiz e it as m essy anywhere o u t o f hi s

own co u ntry .

I n the ti me o f th e fo u rth G eo rge of E n glan d

lad ies fro m th e r u ral d istri cts s ip ped thei r tea fro m
400
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IONS

m ake them selve s agreeable exc ludin g all s u bj e c ts

,

li kely to p ro du c e d isco rd G ood stori es ple asant

.
,

n ews bi ts o f e ntertai n i ng i n fo rm atio n briefly

,

told shou ld b e trea s u red fo r s u c h o ccasi on s

, .

Th e table is the p l ace to share th em .

There i s on e s up re me r u l e of table eti qu ette .

It i s th at to the l ap s es o f othe rs we sh al l b e a
l i ttle bli nd and c o n centrate all ou r attentio n u p o n
,

o u r own i m prove ment .

402
 C /z ap T / — MAN N ERS
'

t erw t x t z
e n
y r z -
.

I N P U B L I C— U N C L AS S I F I E D O C C AS I O N S

LT HO U GH the c ond u ct whi ch

c o u rtesy i mp oses at theatre O pe ra , ,

a nd i n th e d rawi ng roo m has bee n -

d i sc u s sed there are a few general

,

su gge s tio ns that m ay yet have e s

cap ed classificatio n w hi ch a re no t u n i m po rtant .

f
Prob ably th e worst m an ners possible are thos e
i O fpe rso ns an xi o us to d raw attenti o n to them selves .

G entlefolk cond uct th e m selves so as to esc ap e

O bse rvatio n . They co nvers e i n qu iet well b red -

they d o n ot pu sh them selves forward ; no r

obstru ct the way of those pass ing o u t at chu rch
d oor theatre o r e lsewhe re C hattin g with a friend
, , .
,

o r pu rs u in g pe rso n al i n qu i ri es they d o not o ccu py

,

th e m iddl e of th e si dewalk no r bar the way ove r

,

l on g with thei r c arri ages .

They do not talk d u ring a m u si cal perfo rm anc e ,

wh ispe r rattl e the i r p rogram m es o r d istu rb those

, ,

abou t the m They co nfo rm to th e c u stoms of th e

.

place whe n travelli n g O nce d ressed they are n o

.
,

longe r conscio u s of thei r cl othes .

Th e sac rifice m ad e by a gentlem an in givi n g u p

h i s seat to a wom an i n a pu bl i c co nveyance i s
i mpo s ed by a spiri t that does h i m ho nor and .
,

403
ETI QUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

d ese rves h e r m ost g r aci o u s recogn i ti on b u t sh e ,

sho u ld neve r i mp ly by l ook o r m an ner that s h e

, ,

exp ected th e attentio n be fo re i t was o ffered .

I n ch u rch those ge ntly bred co n fo rm to the

,

m an ne rs o f thos e ab o u t the m kneeli ng an d stand

,

i n g as the eti qu ette o f the se rvi ce d em ands They .

arrive i n ti m e they do not talk th ey fol low th e

, ,

service of p raye r o r p raise b ut d o n ot si n g an d

,

p ray lo u de r th a n the cl e rgy o r the choi r Thei r .

m anne r i s rese rved and respectful Thos e who .

h ave p ews S how hospitality to stran gers .

W e d o not bow i n chu rch b ut m ay s m i le ou r

,

reco gn i tio n when catchi n g th e eye of a frien d .

In the co u ntry whe re m e n and m aid en s d on

,

cloth i n g o f a n u nconventio nal len gth an d loose

n ess the laxi ty i s apt to slip fro m d res s to m an
,

ne rs M en rarely ad mi re thos e wo men wh o have

.

pe rm itted fami li ari ty and girl s app rec i ate the

,

co u rteo u s restrai nt i mp osed by a regard fo r thei r

p resen ce .

N othi ng gives su ch u p right d i gnity o f m i en as

the conscious ness that we are what we p reten d to
b e and tru e gentlehoo d overfl ows i n m an ne r and
,

m ake s the voi ce wi n ni n g an d the m ovem ent

gracefu l .

404
ET I Q UETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

an d i n c ase a h o rse is fri ghte ned o r fresh to ,

control he r own n e rves s o as n ot to co m pl icate

’ ’
th e d rive r s d i ffi c u lties by givi ng h i m a wo m an s
fears to m an age as wel l as those o f a ho rse .

I f a m a n i s to h ave a l ady fo r com p ani o n h e ,

sho u l d see th at th e carri age is p u nctu ally at th e

re n dezvo u s an d loo k ke e nly over ho rses c arri age
, , ,

and h arness to see th at al l i s i n perfect c o n d iti on .

I t i s thei r exqu is ite n eatness that gives s u ch an ai r

of style to E ngli sh trap s of al l k in ds .

Th e vehic le shou l d b e d rawn u p close to the

step s o r p aveme nt th e c arri age tu rn ed s o as to in
,

c rease the sp ac e b etwee n th e wheels pe rm itting the

,

lady to m o u nt with e ase .A s h e helps he r i n wi th

o ne h and h e p rotects h e r ski rts fr o m contact wi th
,

th e wheel with th e othe r H e wraps the lap rob e

.

ab ou t h e r and ass u res h i msel f that she i s co mfo rt

,

ably e nsco nced b efo re taki n g h i s own seat M e an .

’
whil e the groo m stan ds at th e ho rs es heads and ,

whe n all i s ready h e cli mbs i n to hi s pl ac e whi le

the c arri age i s al ready i n m oti o n b u t a good ,

d river starts O ff slo w ly .

I n A m eri c a a gentlem an never s m okes wh e n

d riving with a lady b u t i n E ngland i t i s p erm is
,

s ibl e o n the p le a O fi ts b ei n g i n th e o p e n ai r
, .

S h ou l d h e o r the l ady at h is s i de reco gnize

fri ends o n th e road h i s p rop e r s al ute is to l ift h i s
,

whi p stock to hi s h at b ri m Th e sam e c o u rtesy

~ -
.

i s d u e wh e n the ri ght o f way i s give n h i m .

It i s n ot goo d fo rm fo r an u n marri ed m an and

wo m an to d ri ve togethe r i n town u nacc o mp an ied
,

406
 S P O RTING ETIQUETTE

by a ch apero n I t i s perm itte d at N ewp o rt an d

.

othe r fas h io nab l e co u ntry resorts i f a groo m o c ,

cu
p y the ru mble whether the m an
, o r the wo m a n
be the whi p I n p ass i ng othe r vehi cles o n the
.

road the ru le is when meeti ng to tu rn to the ri ght

, , , ,

bu t whe n o ve rtaki ng to p ass to the left and i n ,

l ike m an ne r whe n overtaken to ke ep to the r i gh t

, ,
’
s o as to leave the ro ad free at o ne s l e ft A fte r .

passi n g anothe r vehic le co u rtesy d e m and s that o ne

,

d rive rapi dly fo r a ti m e to relieve th e o ccu p ants

o f th e annoyance o f d u st C oolness an d c onfidenc e
.

are th e re qu isi tes o f a goo d d river .

Th e lady wh o i s to oc cu py th e s eat o f h o no r
o n a coach at the l e ft o f th e host i f he i s th e whi p
i
o n th e o ccasi on s help ed to her p lace by
,

th at ge ntlem an 1 n p erson who folds h e r

C o a ch in g
,

s ki rts deftly abo ut her feet as she mo u nts th e l ad

d e r m ad e fast to th e s id e o f the coach The
,
.
.

m embe rs o f th e p arty cli mb to thei r pl ac es i n th e

o rde r i n wh i ch they are to b e seated the me n , ,

o f co u rse h elpin g the wo m e n u nt il obli ged to

,

tak e thei r o wn s eats The host bei n g the last

.
,

to mou nt i s l e ft to S how any o ne that co u rtesy

, ,

an d the gro o m s also l e nd assistance .

A s they d ri ve o f
f th e s ervants cl amber to thei r
,

p laces and th e ho rn sc atte rs its gay s ilvery n otes

,

i n the ai r .

A coachi ng ro ute i s not i n frequ ently abo u t ten

to fifteen m i les A halt i s m ade u su ally at a
.

co u ntry c l u b o f which the host is a m e m b er at ,

’
a frie nd s ho u se o r at a ho u s e o f entertai nme nt
,

407
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

fam ou s fo r excel le nc e an d l u n cheo n i s served

, .

C ham pagne i s u su ally an acco mp an i m ent .

The host i s the fi rst of the p arty to d i s m o u nt

u p o n arrival the lad de r i s again fasten ed to th e
,

coach and the d escen t i s m ade backward the

, ,

wo me n fi nd i ng ready h ands to hel p the m an d to

fol d t h ei r garme nts abo u t the i r feet as they pas s
fro m step to step .

Two ho u rs o r s o are allowed fo r re s t an d th e n ,

th e start h o mewa rd i s m ad e .

Wh en a m an i s to acc o m pany a wo m an h e ,

sho u ld a ss ist her to m o u nt the groo m m eanwh ile ,

h ol d i n g the h o rs es He gathers u p th e .

R idin g
rei n s and p u ts the m i n her h and an d ,

then stoop i n g o ffers h is ri ght hand fo r h e r fo ot

, , ,

o r h e m ay cl asp h i s h an ds s u ppo rti ng h i s ri ght

fo re ar m fi rm ly o n hi s thi gh .

Th e wo man pl aces h e r ri gh t h an d o n the s econd

p om mel hold i n g i n it th e whip an d th e rei ns
,

’
tightly e no u gh to feel the h o rs e s m ou th With .

h er l eft h an d sh e l ifts h e r ri d in g ski rt an d places -

he r l eft fo ot i n th e h and o f th e m an O ffered for ,

a step S h e the n lets go the ski rt rests the left

.
,

h and u pon h is sho u l de r gives hi m the c u e by,

bend i ng the right k nee s p ri ngs u p e rect o n the

,

left fo ot whil e h e gives he r a n i m petu s u pward

,

an d su pports he r foot u nti l she h as her seat i n

the sad dle S h e places h e r ri ght knee over th e
.

h orn and h e sees th at h er left foot i s rightly

,

pl aced i n the sti rru p and that h er ski rt i s p rop

e rly adj u s ted befo re m o u nti n g h i s own ho rse
,
.

408
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

Th e eti quette between m an and wo m an rid i n g

to ho u nds togethe r re qu i res hi m to m ake h i s o wn
p leasu re se co nd ary to sec u ri n g h ers H e sh o u ld
.

ri d e at h e r s i de go i ng ahead to o pe n gates o r
,

lowe r b ars a b i t i f she b e not an acco m pl i s h ed

h o rs ewo m an .

H e r ru le o f c o nd u ct s h o ul d i mpos e c o ns id e ra
ti o n fo r h e r esco rt and m ake hersel f o f as l ittl e
t rou ble as p ossible .

A t the meet the m e n who rid e fresh o r restive

hu nte rs sh o u ld ke ep at a fair d is tan c e fro m th e
'

c arriages co ntai ni n g l ad ies .

Polo h as n o co d e o f eti qu ette n ot c onn ected

with the ru l es of the game .

A m an o pu lent e no u gh to have h i s o wn yacht ,

need s littl e tuto ri n g how to m ake it a pleas u re to

’

Y ac h t i n g
hi s fri end s for a few hou rs sai l o r fo r
d ays o n e nd Wh ere u n m arried m e n
.

and wo me n c o mpose a p arty a ch ape ron i s a ,

necessity .

A gi g o r l au nch c o nveys the gu ests to the

“

yacht fro m th e sh o r e and the h ost stand s at the

,

gan gway to greet the m as they arrive and to assist

the m o n deck A fte r whi ch h e has o nly to follow
.

th e r u les wh i ch gove rn social fu nctions o n l an d .

The atte nti o n du e th e chap eron — who m h e

places at hi s ri ght h and at tabl e an d the pleas
u re o f h is gu ests wil l the reafte r be h is agreeabl e
d u ty
. S pec ial care and attenti o n wi ll of cou rse
b e shown to any one a ffected by the m ot ion .

Th e p rop er e nte rtai n m ents fo r a yacht i n h arbo r

410
 S PO RTING ETIQUETTE

are l u n cheons d i nn ers d ances an d sho rt c ru ises

, , , ,

the p rep arati o ns fo r wh i ch nee d not be elabo rate .

The eti qu ette o f b illi ards acc o rd i ng to th e ,

B ad m i nto n autho rity requ i res th e m an who has

,

p layed hi s stroke to reti re to a reaso n

B i ll i ar d s
able d istance L ou d talki ng c ritici s m
.
,

of th e play an d anythi n g that m ay distu rb o r

,

d istract the atte ntio n o f the player s a re o ffence s

agai nst go od fo rm .

The billi ard roo m is a pl ace whe re o ne m ay b e

-

u nco nventi onal A t the clu b m en play with o ut

.

thei r coats I n p ri vate hou se s whe re lad ies are

.
,

of the p ar ty the p rivi l ege i s of cou r s e ab ro gated

, .

A Tu xed o wi ll be fo u nd co nveni en t S m ok i n g i s .

’
pe rm i s s ibl e with th e lad ies consen t
, .

A goo d gam e shou ld b e cond u cted with s tri ct

O bse rvance of its eti qu ette Person s the re fo re .
, ,

sh o ul d n ot e nter the roo m wh en a gam e i s i n

p rogress except bet w een the strokes wh i ch m ay
, ,

b e asce rtai ned by l i s te ning ou tsi de the d oo r .

S pectato r s shou ld b e co u rteou sly silent o r reti

cent and i mp arti al i n c ritici s m .

Th e o rd i nary rules o f p oli teness cove r al most

al l th e requ i rem ent s of the eti qu ette of bi cycl ing .

The expe rt ri de rs shou l d assi st and

B i c y c l in g
enco u rage begin ners an d acco m m od ate ,

the p ace to th e on e wh o is l east p r o fici ent L ou d .

talki ng o n the h i ghway i s not i n goo d taste .

S hou ld on e of the party withd raw at the l ast

m om ent i t i s n ot a b reach o f goo d m ann e rs
, ,

b i cycles and weathe r are u nce rtain .

41 1
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

Whe n a m an ri des w ith a wo m an the little ,

c o u rtesi es are d o u b ly b i ndi ng H e yi elds to .

he r th e better p art o f the ro ad ri des ahead at ti mes

,

to choos e th e p leasantest ro ute and u p the lo ng ,

hills gives h e r a help in g ha nd o r p ropo ses to

d is mo u nt i f he fan ci es i t wo u ld b e agree able to
h er He i nte rpos es h i msel f betwee n he r an d any
.

pass i ng vehi cle o r possibl e annoyanc e an d p e rm its ,

h e r to take the lead wh en the track is s m ooth an d

good .

The followi n g i s the co de O fe ti qu ette fo r gol fe rs ,

as i nte rp reted by the R oyal an d A n ci ent G olf C l u b

of S t A nd rews S cotland :
.
,

A si ngle pl aye r has no s tand i ng an d ,

m ust always give way to a p rop erly

c onstituted m atch .

N o p laye r cad d i e o r o nl ooke r sh o u ld m ove o r

, ,

talk d u ri n g a stro ke S o m e o ne h as said

. Si ,

lence i s gold en bu t advi ce and c om m ent are

,
”
b razen .

N o playe r sh ou l d play fro m th e tee u nti l th e

party i n fro nt h ave played thei r secon d strokes
.

an d are o u t of ran ge no r p lay u p to the pu tti n g

,

gree n till the p arty i n fro nt have h oled ou t and

m oved away .

The player wh o h as the h ono r fro m th e tee

sho u ld be allowed to play before his op ponent tee s
h is b all .

Playe rs wh o h ave holed o u t sh ou ld not try thei r

p utts over agai n when other p laye rs are followi ng
th em .

41 2
C fi ap t e r Tw en g ezgfi t fi — C O U RT E S Y
-

A N D G O O D M A N N E R S I N T HE H O M E

LL that the sp i rit o f th e m o st p u n e

’
t il io u s etiqu ette enj oi ns f
o r o ne s co n

d u ct i n s oc i ety is d ou bly bi nd i n g at
h o m e A s the N ew Testam ent e n
.

fo rces the te ach ings o f the O l d with

vastly m o re exh austi ve re qu i re ment b u t rel i eves
,

the m o f all h ard ne s s and exacti ngn ess by th e in

fusi on o f love as a m otive s o wi th th e fam i ly
,

rel ati o n
.

E ach i ndivi d u al ity i s an u nco mp ro m isi ng fact

and has to b e take n i nto conside rati o n and tho u gh ,

brothers an d s isters owe i de nti cally the s ame debt

to here dity all the way b ack to A dam they u su ally,

s ee m to h ave take n advantage o f th e wi de cho ice

o ffered by the mu ltitu d i nou s fam ily c o n nection to ,

i nh erit th e m ost o pposi te traits and o fte n most an

t ago n is t ic n atu res
. Th e l aw o f th e attractio n o f
op pos ites i n m atri mon ial selecti o n also co m pl i
”

c ates th e d om esti c p robl em and u n fo rtu nately re

,

l atio n s h ip i s n ot a talis m an fo r a f fecti o n .

To harm oniz e tem p ers and d isp osi tions m u ch ,

l ove i s requ i red b u t there i s n o o tfi er s u ch e m o l

,

l i e nt to allay i rri tabi lity n o s u c h check to petty

,

di sagree m ents o r to i nterfe renc e with perso nal

l ibe rty between b rothers an d si ste r s no l ike bar
,

414
 GO O D M ANNER S IN THE H O M E

to ru denes s o n the p art of child re n and s ervants ,

as the h abitu al obser vanc e o f the ru les o f p ol iteness

wh ic h we i nsti nctively follo w with s tran ge rs .

The a b c o f go o d m an ners de mands S o u rc e s

th at we so fte n th e aspe rity o f c riti o f fam i ly
c is m bu t ho me tru th s h ave ofte n a di 3 °° r d
”
,

freedo m and fr ankness p ec ul iarly exa s perati n g .

A ltercatio n abo u t t rifle s i s a fru itfu l so u rc e of

fri cti on and stock subj ects of d isp uta ti o n b eget
,

”
a ch roni c tou ch i nes s
“
O n e seld o m c o nvi nces
.

by exc ite d an d vol ubl e argu ment and w hen a ,

s usp i ci on of te mper appears goo d bye to s u c -

cess ! Politeness c om pels a conc il i ato ry m anne r ,

an op en m i nd ed hosp itality to the vi ews o f o thers

-
,

whi ch wi ll be m ost e ffective if o u r O bj ect b e to

i nfl ue nce rathe r than to vent o u r i rritatio n Peac e .

at any p ri ce is a goo d fam ily m otto .

S o m e p erso ns keep advice fo r gratu ito u s d is tri

b u tio n and give i t at su ch len gth and with s u ch
,

e nergy that all free agency s ee m s lost to the o ne

add ressed A well b red reticence sho u ld b e e x e r
.
-

c is e d both i n askin g qu estio ns and offe ri ng advice ,

’
respectin g eve ry one s natu ral d esi re for in d e p e n d
ent thou ght and actio n The elders are apt to .

do gm atize expectin g thei r views to be accepte d

,

withou t question fo rgetti ng that thei r c orrectness

,

i s n ot s o evid e nt to those whose m i nds have not

pas s ed th rou gh th e same p rocesses .

There are peopl e who s ee m to thi nk that n o o ne

i s entitled to a place i n th e wo rld bu t those o f
wh o m they approve These sel f c onstituted c r itic s
.
-
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O N S

are u s u al ly the least patie nt of c ritic i s m wh e n d i

re c t e d towards th e mselves We can no t exp ect all
.

the wo rld to l ive u p to o u r stand ards no r e xpect o f ,

others what i t i s n ot in the m to be H o w ti re

.

s o m e l y m o notono u s all the world wo u l d be ! A

wi se Powe r h as m ad e no two alike A s wel l .

co nd e m n the rose fo r n ot bei ng as u sefu l as the

cabb age !
O n e thi ng good fo rm i mperatively d e m and s ,

that by n o m i schance no loss of sel f control sh all

,
-
,

F a m i ly fa m i ly d iscords be reve aled to strange rs ,

go o d c h il d re n o r s ervants I f there be fri cti o n

“
, .

f° fm that m ay develo p i nto a ski rm ish l et it ,

b e d eferred at wh ateve r cost to self rep ressi o n

,
-
,

and resu m ed i f need be behi nd c losed d oo rs

, ,
.

A n u nco ntroll ed voi ce i s always u n m ann erly .

It i s wis e not to allow a poi nt at issu e to beco m e

too i m po rtant .

S o me persons always wi sh to share thei r sm all

ai lments and re qu i re an au di ence fo r the i r su ffe r
i ngs A F rench wom an o nce exclai med with co m i c
.

path os , Talk o f the p ati ence o f the late Mo n

“

s ie u r Job ! A ny wo man whose h u sban d has h ad

a cold i n hi s head is entitled to a like i m m o rtal
reputati on
A read i ness to give u p i n littl e thi ngs is the
m ost tactfu l ap peal possi bl e fo r a retu rn o f cou r
tesy at other ti mes when the m atte r m ay be o f
i m po rtance to u s .

I t i s a hi gh attai nm e nt i n pol iteness to allow

o the rs to be m istake n L et a tri fl i ng m isstate ment
.

41 6
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IONS

O fc o u rs e n o d el i cate o r h on o rabl e p erso n o pens

’
anoth er s letters E ven the yo u n gest c hi ld re n i n
.

P o in t s o f
the ho u sehol d shou ld have the pleasu re
fam i ly of O pe ni n g the letters add ressed to
b °n ° f wd the m an d s o b e trai ned i nto a re c o n i
f , g
b re e d m g
tio n of th e i nvi o lable n atu re o f p er s on al
c o rrespo ndenc e .

Practical j okes are rarely i n du lged i n by p e r

s o ns o f ni ce p ercep tio ns a nd teasi n g passe s the
,

bo u nds o f goo d taste the m o ment that i t ce as e s

to b e a m atte r o f pu re fu n o n al l si des .

I nqu is itivenes s i s always bad fo rm Who m .

“

i s yo u r lette r fro m What m akes yo u r eye s

“

” ’
s o red ? are i nterferences with o ne s ri ghtfu l
p r ivacy .

A closed d oo r shou l d be respected and give

a s su ran ce o f secl u sio n L i be rty i s th e gu aranteed
.

e nj oym ent o f lawfu l ri ghts .

The rou gh p roverb Wash yo u r d i rty l i ne n at

“

”
hom e carries a val u abl e tru th O n e wh o i s s o
,
.

d isl oyal as to repeat to any o utsi d e r h oweve r in ,

ti m ate an y thi n g to the d isc red i t o f th e fam ily

, ,

d eserves to fo rfeit al l fami ly ri ghts and p ri vileges .

n d here let m e e nte r a p rotest agai nst m ak

’
i ng o ne s fam i ly m atters newspape r p roperty .

There are no term s stron g e nou gh to co ndem n

the vani ty o f p arehts who will allow a dau g h ter s ’

charm s p r ospects and advant ages to be adverti sed

, ,

!
E th e p u b l i c p rints i n th i s p ress ri dden c o u ntry
-
.

F o r som e o cc u lt reaso n people are sen s itive to

c r itici s m o f thei r cloth es an d eve n of the p revail
418
 GO O D M ANNER S IN THE H O M E

i n g fashi o n as they wear it The re fo re d o n ot

.

s ay,
“
G reat S cott what a h at ! b u t fi nd s o me
,

t h i ng to adm i re fi rst by way of p reface to adver s e

,

c riti c is m whi c h shou ld b e spoken i n a

,
Ho m e
m anne r to arou se n o antagonis m F o r t r u t h s . 1 9

h o me c ritic is m h as its p lace and valu e ,

an d sho uld not be resented i f i t be give n c ou rteo u sly

an d n ot when u nd er i rritati o n D o we n ot all kn ow
.

exc e ntri c u n lovable peopl e wh o have l ive d m u ch

,

alon e with no on e s o n early rel ate d to the m as

,

to ventu re to fi nd fau lt wi th them ? The soo ne r

th at we reco gnize the utili ty of fam ily c ri tici s m ,

the s oo ne r we shall o u tgrow it .

S oci ety requ i re s th at whateve r thei r p rivate

r elati ons hu sb and and wi fe face the wo r l d as a
,

u ni t appeari n g harm oni o u s and w ith

i n te rest s i de nti cal .

N oth ing s o c heape ns a m a r ried wom an

and he r hu sband i n th e eyes o f the wo rl d as her
to o evid ent effort to attract the i nte rest and ad
m iratio n o f othe r m en .

F l i rtatio n am on g m arried peop l e is growin g

m ore a nd m ore com m on and so are d ivorc es , .

B ad fo rm c an go no fu rthe r .

I t h a s been sai d by a wi se F renchman th at

”
happy peopl e need few pleas u res and wh e n ,

the worl d sees a wom an to who m soci al su c

cess i s the aim an d obj ect of l ife it gu esses ,

pretty sh rewd ly th at all i s not right at ho me and ,

n o wom an wi shes to m ake a p resent o f s u ch a

s ec r et to a c apti ou s and c ritical world Wo men .

41 9
 ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

are th e c u stod i ans o f the m o ral ity of a n ati o n and

canno t hol d the mselves too h i gh .

Ti me was n ot so very lo ng ago when i n

! , , ,

A m eri c a the b ri dal vei l was no less a symbo l of

,

wi thd rawal fro m s o ci ety th an the o ne assu med i n

the c lo ister D an c in g fl i rtatio n atte nti on fro m
.
, ,

othe r m en we re al l esc h ewed as a m atte r of

,

co u rse an d the yo u n g wo m an gave h e rsel f all

,

i n all to the m an o f h e r heart and cho ic e S he .

was not necessari ly sacrificed ; there was bliss i n

the sel f s u rre nd er and d ivo rce s were then al m ost
-
,

u nkn own .

e s i mpl e an d c o mp rehensive ph rase u sed i n

the O l d R u ssi an m arri age cerem ony H ere wol f , , ,

”
take thy lamb m ay be s u ggested to so m e m ind s
,

i n recalli n g s u ch old fash i oned c u sto ms and i deas

-
,

b ut s u ch wives are th e ki nd sti l l d ream ed o f by

l ove rs o f al l ti mes and cou ntri es and they b e ,

co m e s u ch m othe rs as C oleri dge speaks o f as the

”
holi e s t th i n g ali ve .

N ever sho ul d m arri ed peopl e d isc u ss the p e

c u l iarit ie s of o ne another i n the p res enc e O f a
th i rd pa rty Personal ities th at are m ad e to d o
.

d uty as fam ily j okes are n ever fu nny to th e

stran ge r .

F o r a wi fe to co m plai n o f he r h u sb an d to any
o u tsi der o r a h u sband to c on fid e anythin g de
,

rogato ry o f his wi fe to anothe r see ms to o h einou s ,

a fau lt to h ave its p ossi bility bel ieved b u t su ch ,

thin gs h ave be en A wi fe wh o i n the co n fe ss i onal

.

had been co mpl ai ni ng to the p ri est o f her h u sban d ,

420
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

Those observant of ho me co u rtesy wo u ld n eve r

tau nt wi th a p ast m istake neve r talk at o ne ,

a nothe r e ither alo ne o r i n co mp any neve r see

, ,

wh at anothe r wo u l d h ide no r m ake a rem ark at

,

’
another s exp ense They m u s t not both b e angry
.

at th e s ame ti m e .

When a m an i s u nde r i rrita ti o n a wo man m ay

expect to he ar a vehe me nc e o f l an gu age o u t o f all
p ropo rti o n to th e ann oyance S h e m ust d isc o u nt .

the exagge ration b e d eaf to th e u n s an c t ifi e d

-

syllabl es o f hi s vocabu lary and follo w the wisd o m

,

o f S olo mo n i n givi ng the s oft answe r R etal i a .

ti o n wi l l tu rn the d iscu ssi o n i nto a vu lgar qu arrel ,

”
than whi ch n o wo rs e fo rm is possi ble G ive n
“
.

a l ittle ti m e and a litt le s ilence th e h usband wi ll ,

u s u ally show i n acti o ns — rarely i n wo rds — that

h e h as b ee n m istake n o r regrets hi s h asti ness .

S yd ney S m ith s ai d that the re as o n that th e r e

we re so m any u nh appy m arri ages was bec au s e
the gi rls we re tau ght to m ake n et s an d not cages
”
fo r h u sbands .

Wh en th e h ou sehold n u mbe rs amon g its in

m ates s ome o ne who i s n ot o f th e i m med i ate
fam i ly the d i ffic u lti es m ultiply The
, .

prove rb s ays that Th ere i s n o hou s e “

”
l arge e no u gh fo r two fam i li es but al ,

thou gh i t requ i res a del i cate adj u stment o f te mp ers

and d i sp os itions th e i mpossi ble h as been ac
,

c om pl ish ed an d m ay agai n O nly love can work .

m i racles bu t i f cou rtesy i s n ot C hri sti ani ty i t i s a

,
“
,

ca pital i m itatio n o f i t ”
L ike an arm o r of p roof i t
.
,

42 2
 GO O D M ANNERS IN THE HO M E

d eflects m any a c riti c i s m th at wo u l d othe r wi s e

wo u nd o r at l east bl u nts it s s harpn ess
, .

’
I f th e hu sb an d s mo the r b e o f th e h o u seh old ,

let th e wi fe treat he r as she wo u l d wish to b e treated

whe n the stu rdy tod dler at he r sid e m akes h er a
mother in law en co u ragi n g h e r h u sb and i n p ayi ng
- -
,

co u rteo u s an d fond atte nti o n to h is m othe r and ,

showi ng he r herself eve ry respect and d efere nc e ,

esp ec i ally befo re the fri e nds o f the fam i ly the ,

c hild re n an d se rvant s whos e c ond u ct wi ll be pat

,

terned afte r hers .

L et the m other ih l aw rem embe r th at n o h o u se

- -

hol d i s well o r happi ly governe d where the re

are two m istresses an d ad here to th e p ri nc i pl e
,

o f noni nterfe rence The art of l ivi n g with

.

othe rs requ i res the c ultivation o f a j u di c iou s

bl i nd ness an d th e art o f l ivi ng happ i ly entails
,

s elf s ac rifi c e
-
.

’
I f it i s the wife s m othe r that co m es i nto the
ho m e other dangers th reaten
,
H oweve r m u ch a .

’
d au ghter m ay b e gu i ded by he r m othe r s advi ce ,

l et he r as su m e the enti re responsi b ility o f al l t h at

transpi res i n th e h o use C o m m on sense d i ctates
.

that the hu sban d be not all owed to feel th at hi s

moth er in l aw is th e u nsee n power th at i s ru li ng
- -

h i s h ou sehold .

The l on ge r wh at th e chi ldre n call comp any

m anne rs can be kept u p between them the l onge r ,

wil l there be b arri ers to u npleasant relatio ns .

Home happ i ness keeps the gi rl s from h eed le s s

m arri ages and th e b oy s from m any d ange rs and
, ,

42 3
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

as a p rese rvative of h armo ny m u t u al c o u r tesy a nd

,

co ns id e rati o n are i nval u ab le

.

The atmos ph e re wh i ch the parents c reate i n the

h o m e by exa m p l e bec omes the ru l e fo r the ch i l
d ren an d to b e c onte nt with anythi ng lowe r i n
,

’
latitu d e th an p a r ad i s e i s to l ive bel ow o n e s
p rivi lege s
.

424
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L O CCA S I O N S

S u ch attenti on s sh o ul d al s o b e ack nowl ed ge d

w i th co u rteo u s app reci ation A ho m e m ay h ave .

th e el egance o f h i gh b ree d i n g no m atte r how s i m

-
,

pl e the s u rro u nd i ngs C hild ren sho u ld n ot b e al

.

lowed to co nt r ad ict e ach other b u t be e a r ly tau ght ,

to u se the sam e co u rtesy i n exp ressin g d iffe ren ces

o f O p i n io n as d o thei r elde rs I b eg yo u r p ar
,
”
do n o r I a m s u re th at yo u are m istaken It is .

all a m atte r of h abi t ; bu t the ou tward fo rm o fte n

co mp el s the inward feeli n g They sho u ld b e m ad e .

to u ndersta nd too th at th ei r u nso l i cited op i n io n s

, ,

o r advi ce o ffered to thei r elders i s a ru d ene s s th at

w ill m ake the m u np op u l ar .

It u sed to b e the cu s to m fo r ch i ld r e n to s ay
’ ” ”
Yes m a am
, ,
N o s i r to thei r eld ers b u t that
, , ,

i s n ow consi dered to belo ng to the co u rtesy d u e

fro m se rvants an d well —
,
b red ch ild ren s ay Ye s ,
“
,

”
m am m a ,
N o grandpapa and the to ne o f pol ite
, ,

d eferenc e m u st u nderl i e th e s i mple Yes an d

N o when u n ac co mp anied by the n am e o f the
pe r so n add ressed .

Well b red c hi ld ren d o n ot p a ss i n fro nt of a pe r

-

s on withou t an ap ology o r e nte r a room whi stl i n g

, ,

o r ad dre s sin g so m e o n e the rei n u nobse rvant o f the ,

co nversati o n that m ay b e i n p rogre s s .

Yo u n g p e rsons sho u ld ri se wheneve r a visito r

I n th e
c o m es i nto o r takes leave o f the fam ily
p r e s e n c e c i rcle an d also if add ressed elsewhere
,

° f V is it O TS by an old er p er s on s ho ul d they h app en ,

to b e seated .

I n Fr an c e y ou n g gi rls are t r ai ned i n wi n s om e ,

4 26
 CHILDREN '
S ETIQUETTE

attractive m an ne rs They are carefu l to stan d

.

asi d e to perm it thei r eld e rs to p ass fi rst They .

d o n ot s it whil e any o ne o f them i s stand i ng a nd ,

th ei r pol ite de fe ren ce i n co nversatio n pays the m

a p retty c omp li me nt It was fo r a F ren chwom an
.

”
th at th e wo rd charm in g was i nve nted .

C h ild ren sho ul d not be fo rward i n cl ai m i n g th e

atte nti o n of fri end s o r visito rs when th ey are bei n g
greeted by the eld e r m em bers o f the family ,

n eithe r sho u l d o ne hold o u t a relu ctant h and u nde r

pare ntal coe rc i on S hyn ess is o nly l ess u n attrac
.

tive than fo rward ness a nd i s d u e generally to

,

i gn o rance of what i s expected o f o n e .

S ho u ld a chil d ente r the roo m wh e re th e m othe r

i s e nte rtai ni ng a vi si to r to ask a q u estio n o r favo r ,
’
he o r sh e sho u ld stand by the m oth er s s id e ,

with o ut speaki n g u nti l ad d ressed by o r pres ented

,

to the stran ge r .Th en afte r aski n g pe rm i s

,

s i o n to p refe r the re qu est i t i s m ad e an d the

, ,

ch il d withd raws afte r taki n g co u rteo u s le ave o f

,

the gu est .

We all feel th at it i s h u m il i ati ng to h ave th e

attentio n o f othe rs di rected to o u r sho rtcom i ngs ,

and chil dre n are not less se nsitive b u t so m e ,

mother s d o not se em to know that they are b reak

‘

i ng all the laws of goo d taste in correctin g a ch ild

be fore a guest It i s as annoyi n g to th e vi si to r as
.

i t i s crue l to the child m aki n g hi m awkward an d

,

sel f conscio u s i f noth ing wo rse The ti me is i ll

-
,
.

c hose n fo r c h il d train i ng A ny possi ble co nfl ict

'

-
.

o r cl ash o f wills betwee n parent a nd chil d sho uld

42 7
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

b e anti ci p ated i n ti m e and the l ittl e o n e tactfu lly

,

withd rawn befo re an y: u nseemly fricti o n beco me s

app arent to the vi s ito r .

”
S howi ng o ff c hi ld re n is a n u nco nscio u s in
j u sti c e to them L et a m other keep to hersel f fo r
.
,

p ri vate de lectati o n the kn owledge that her chi ld

,

i s a p ro d i gy .

L et a boy b e as fre e as air ou t o f doo rs b u t i n ,

the ho u se d e mand that he beh ave l ike a

A w el l
t ra i n e d b o y
gentlem an I n m.ed i eval
a t i me s l ad s
were m ad e pages to co u rtly d ame s fo r
s u ch trai n i n g .

It i s n ot h owever the provi n ce o f th e enti re

, ,

fa m ily to bri ng h i m u p N aggin g i s o n e of the

.

s m al l fo es to the p eace o f a ho usehol d b u t the ,

te ach i ng o f b oys to be gentlem en at h o m e i s as

esse ntial as th e trai ni n g o f the m to b e m en i n the
world .

Whe n phys ical stre ngth begi ns to b e realiz ed

by a b oy his fi rst i d ea i s to u se i t sol ely as a
,

powe r H e m u st b e tau ght to re gard it also a s a

.

respo ns ibi l ity H i s s trength i ncli nes a truly m anly

.

m an to gentleness towards those who are we ake r .

”
N obl esse obli ge A tactfu l m othe r wil l m ake
.

’
m u ch o f a l ad s strength app eari ng a l i ttle d e ,

pe nd ent u po n it .

A boy acco m panyin g h is mothe r o r si ste rs i n

th e street sho u l d b e ta u ght to raise h i s h at wh en
they retu rn a b o w o r m eet a fri e nd o r when al on e ,

the b oy passes an acq u ai ntance o f h i s own o r of

th e fami ly h e shou ld s how the sam e co u rtesy
, ,

42 8
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

c an not be c u red p oi so ns the atm o s phe re l ike a

,

m i as ma .

Th e p racti ce o f al lowi n g a s ick ch ild to b e as

c ross petu lant and exactin g as h i s h u m o r d i c
, ,

tates i s a n inj u stice to the chi ld wh o sho u ld be ,

tau ght th at u n de r n o c i rc u mstanc es m ay on e

re m it th e effo rt at self co ntrol -
Th e i nj u nction
.

s ho u l d b e p ress ed w ith l ovi ng fi rm ness .

C hi ld ren sho u ld be e arly i nstru cted i n

A t t a bl e
beh avi o r at table N o a mo u nt o f s u b
.

se qu ent d ri lli ng qu ite ato nes fo r early neglect .

A l l c o rrections sh o u ld however be m ade i n s u ch

, ,

m anne r as not to attract th e attentio n o f othe rs .

A t th e fam ily m eeti n g pl ac e nothi n g sho uld b e

-

all owed to ove rshad ow the gen e ral pleasantness .

E ve ry d ay eti qu ette i ncl u d es th e c u sto m o f ch ee r

-

fu l d aily greeti n gs Whe n a gru nt d oes d u ty fo r

.

”
a pleasant good m o rn i n g and an i nau di ble
“
-

”
m u rm u r repl aces a tend e r go od night fam i l y -
,

m an ne rs n eed m endi n g .

Peopl e sh o u l d neve r b e c ritici sed adversely i n

th e p rese nc e o f ch i ldren .

A look sho u ld b e s u ffi ci e nt to restrai n a ch i ld

fro m eati n g so m e coveted d ai nty at tabl e If .

chi ld ren were m ade to feel th at th ei r p arents

d en ie d tfi em s el ves a pleas u re i n d enyi n g the m thei r
wi s h es an d that o nly thei r best j u d gme nt gu ided
,

by te nde rest l ove p rom pted the re fu sal o f wh at

they wou l d be far h appi e r to grant the re wo u ld b e ,

m ore trust an d less frictio n bet w ee n p arents an d

child re n .

43 0
 CHIL D REN ’
S ETIQUETTE

I n no one thi n g d oes the good an d b ad trai n i n g

o fe arly l i fe s o qu ickly betray i tself as i n the treat

m ent o f those who m c i rc u mstan ces h ave Ch i l d r e ns ’

placed i n d ependent posi ti o ns The t re at m e n t

.

hi gher th e n atu re the mo re stro n gly o fs e rv an t s

,

i s felt th e i n artic u l ate appeal fro m the l es s

favo red cl asses fo r j u sti ce and gentleness .

C hildren s ho u l d n ot be th rown i n the society o f

s ervants fo r co mp ani onsh i p mo re than i s necessary ,

bu t they sho ul d b e re qu i red to tre at the m with

c o u rteo u s co n s ideratio n p refaci ng eve ry re qu est
,

”
with please and ready with pleasant tha nks
“
,

i n acknowled gment of any service .

A m o ng i nfl u ences that m o u ld and refin e the

you ng person s of the ho u sehold i s the in fo r
m al and frequ e nt ente rtai n ment o f we l In fo rm al
c o m e gu ests Those accu stom ed to the h o s p it al i
.

t ie s
p resence of vi sito rs have m o re p leas
i ng m an ne r s are m o re at thei r e as e and c o us e
, ,

qu ently m o re gracefu l an d tactfu l th an th o s e who

h ave n ot this advantage .

E ntertai ni ng vi sitors u ni fies a fam ily all bei n g ,

pledge d to th e same obj ect the grati ficatio n o f

,

the gu est .

C hild ren sho u l d be m ade to feel thei r id e n tifi

c ati on with the ho m e A li ttle fel low repl ied to
.

th e qu estio n whethe r h e h ad any b rothe r s an d

"
siste rs N o we h ave only o ne ch ild
,
“
, .

S oci al observance re qu i res n o e ffort i f o ne learn s

i t i n early yo uth A ch ild sho u ld b e e n co u raged
.

to write hi s o r he r own note of thank s fo r a plea s

43 l
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

u re o f fered o r a present receive d Howeve r c h i ld .

ishly exp ressed i t wi ll p robably th ank the giver

,

b e tt r th an the m ost co rrect e ffu si o n writte n by an

g
elder .

Th e ch n _
S ho u l d a ch i ld o f o ne h o u seh ol d
dr e n s have a qu a rr e l with another the m oth
’
,

Pl a y fe l b w s e r s s how a p et ty spi rit i n ad opting it

the m s elves .

The d i ffere nce s ho u l d be c areful ly l o oked i nto ‘

an d the c hi ld re n u rge d to apologiz e an d m ake

"
it up . Th e o n e who i s m ost forward to take
the i ni tiative h as u s u al ly th e fi ne r in sti ncts S ho u ld .

a m other learn that he r ch ild has been gu i lty o f

s o m e grave fau lt towards another s he sh oul d c al l ,

at o n ce wi th h e r ch il d u po n the o ne who has bee n

i nj u red and m ake he r chi ld ap ologiz e e xp ressing
, ,

her own regret and o fferi ng to m ake any rep ara

tio n i n her powe r S he sho u ld be m et i n a gen er
.

o u s and fo rgivi ng sp i ri t The ru le wo rks both

.

ways .

N o wo man sho u l d eve r p res u m e to sc ol d o r

co rrect the chi l d o f anothe r n o r sh o u l d sh e b e ,

the o ne to repo rt i ts m i sd eeds .

’
A school gi rl s d ress shou ld b e pl ai n n eat an d
-
, ,
‘

c al c u lated to excite n o envy attract n o attenti on,

.

S i m pli ci ty i s n ot on ly i n good taste ,

b u t i t is th e ch aracteristi c of a li ttle
’
ma iden s costu me am on g th ose wh o
set a fash i on by ad optin g it C hild ren sho u l d
.

be as u nc onsc i o us o f thei r cl othes as b i rds o f

thei r p lu mage To talk of thei r d ress be fore the m
.

43 2
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

M i ss G ladys Jay
r e qu e s ts the ple as u re o f the co mp any o f
M aste r H arry D anvers
at he r bi rthd ay p arty o n Th u rsd ay
’
the seventh of F eb ru ary at fo u r o clock ,

Thi r ty West F o rt ie th S treet

Or the i nvitati o n m ay b e give n i n a friend ly
little n ote i n so me s u c h fo rm as
,

D EA R J EAN
W i ll yo u co m e to my bi rthd ay pa rty o n We d nes
’
d ay afternoo n at fo u r o clo ck We shal l m eet o n
the l awn and I ho pe th at we m ay h ave a pleas ant
,

ti me.

Yo u rs si nce rely ,

GLADY S JAY .

Th irty West F orti eth S treet .

I n wi n te r th e e nte rtai n ment u su ally takes th e

form o f a li ttle d anc e l asti n g fro m fo u r u nti l seven
, ,

d u ri n g wh ich the playi ng of gam es alte rnates wi th

o r follows the d anci n g .

Th e s hades are d rawn the gas and lam ps are

,

l ighted th e m u si c o f a pi ano o r a p i ano and vi ol i n

,

o r ha rp i s arranged fo r an d the yo u n g h osts

, ,

s i mply d ressed rece ive th ei r gu ests aided by th e

, ,

mother o r so m e olde r perso n who i s fond o f

child ren .

The p retty co u r tes ies and gene ro u s l ittle sac

r ifi c e s demanded by the po siti o n o f h ost and
h ostess sh ou ld b e m ad e to appea r as thei r pleas
ant d uty an d that thei r chief co ncern m ust b e to
,

434
 CHILDREN ’
S ETIQUETTE

pl ay the games thei r visi to rs p refe r to s ee that ,

n one are overlooked i n th e dancin g an d at s u pp er ,

an d that every o ne there h as a goo d ti m e .

The refresh me nts m ay b e se rved wh en thi ngs

begi n to d rag S u ppe r n eed n ot necessari ly be
.

the fi nal featu re The b i rthd ay c ake m ay o cc u py

. .

the centre o f the tab le i ts top ei the r deco rated

,

with as m any sm al l c andles as the chi ld h as years ,

o r frosted to rep res ent the d ial o f a clock the ,

han d p ointi n g to the n u m eral that coi nci de s with

th e age o f the host o r h ostess A wre ath of green .

m ay s u rro u n d it i f fl owe rs are too exp ens ive o r

, ,

i n s tead of th e cake th e re m ay b e a l a rge lo w

basket o f p aper roses whi ch i s passed arou nd
,

after the feast an d fro m wh i ch e ach chi ld d raws

,

a fl owe r and fin ds a little gift attac hed to it .

’
It fu lfils the chi ld s i dea of a good ti me i f there
i s so m ethi n g whi ch m ay be carrie d ho m e a ,

tangible eviden ce of what has p assed l ike a d ream .

The refore a si m pl e favo r may be p rovid ed e ither ,

i n the way j u st i nd icated o r placed at each cove r

i f the chil d re n sit at table This i s of co u rse
. , ,

on ly ad apted to a ve ry s mal l p arty Bo u i llon .

,

s andwiches rol led and ti ed with ri bbons ices , ,

si m ple c akes and bo nbo ns o ran ges c ut i n th e

,

sh ap e o f baskets and pl enty o f m ottoes s u ffi ce fo r

,

the e arly su ppe r .

I n su m m e r the bi rthd ay fete wil l b e the m o re

enj oyable i f hel d o n the l awn fro m fou r to seven i n
the afte rnoo n I n the free do m o f an o u t d o o r
.
“
-

p a rty i n the soci ety of m any playfellow s ch i l

, ,

43 5
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

d r e n acqu i re s u c h b ri ght sp i rits and are u s u ally i n

s u c h h olid ay m o o d as to m ake any great e ffo rt
fo r thei r am u s e ment u nnecessary .

G am es of all ki nd s m ay give m e rry o c c u p ati o n

u ntil a sli ght we ari n es s begins to th reaten an d ,

the n the yo u n g fol k m ay be m arsh alled to anothe r

p art o f the gro u nd s wh ere little tables set u nd er
,

th e trees deco rate d wi th d aisies and bu tte rc u p s

, ,

will e n able the m to pl ay te a p arty afte r an

“ -

ide al fa s h io n A sens ibl e m en u that wi ll be p ro

.

d u c tive o f n o u n pl easant afte r e ffects m ay co nsist

o f ch icke n san dwi ches wi th m i lk o r c o coa ice
, ,

c ream i n fl owe r m o u lds sp on ge cake an d plai n,

-
,

bonb o ns . The co stu me m ottoes neve r fai l to

create a l ittl e fl utter of fu n and exci te ment The .

boys l ike the n o ise and the gi rls enj oy the d ress
,
”
ing up . The re i s o ften a b i rth d ay cake with -

candles i n whi ch are baked a l ittl e ri ng and

,

thi mble When th e c ake i s cu t great i nterest is

.
,

fel t i n thei r ch anc e d esti n ati o n A bowl o f lem o n

.

ad e sho u l d be accessibl e th ro u gho u t the a fte rn oon .

I f th e ente rtai n m ent i s i n h o no r o f a b i rthday ,

the gu ests o fte n b ri n g so m e tri fl i n g

g
Th e
u e s t s
gi ft to the yo u n g h ost o r hostess — a ,

b o ok a gam e o r som e sm al l in expe ns ive

, ,

so uven i r .

Thei r greetings shou l d b e i n the fo rm o f co n

”
gratulatio ns , Many h appy retu rn s o f the d ay ,
”
I wi sh yo u a h appy bi rthd ay o r as a b ri ght , ,

l ittle gi rl on ce said I hope that yo u wi ll h ave th ree

,
“

”
h u nd red an d sixty fi ve happy d ays i n thi s year
-
.

436
C fi a p t e r T6 z r t / —T H E LY
' '

z et z FAM I

TAB L E

0 scho ol o f eti qu ette o ffe rs s o m any

o pp o rtu n iti es to its m emb e rs to l earn
th e b es t way o f doi ng th i ngs as the
fam ily table T he refo re i t i s wise
.
,

at th e s i mp l es t h om e m eal to o h ,

serve i n the m ai n th e co nventi onaliti es w h i ch are

ac cepte d as app rop ri ate when gu ests are p resen t .

I f ch i ld re n are acc u stom ed to goo d m anners at

h o m e they will n eve r s u ffe r fro m awkward ness an d
,

cl u msi ne ss wh e n vis iti n g and there i s n o reaso n

,

that they s ho u l d not acqu i re an ease and grace o f

dep o rtme nt that wi ll not fo rsake the m eve n i f late r ,

i n l i fe they shou l d b e c al led u p o n to d i n e wi th

,

r oyalty itself .

Wh en fam i ly an d s ervants a r e u sed to a d ai ntily

ap poi nted tabl e an d co rrect se rvi ce the u n e x,

p e c t e d gu est wi ll c au s e n o tro u ble o r emb arrass

m ent an d th e h ostess wi ll b e free to m ake he r self
,

ch arm i n g reli eved o f all fear th at th e c h ild ren o r

,

s e rvants m ay betray th at they are ac c u s tom ed to

a less refi ne d m anne r o f livin g .

T h e fa m i ly A fresh toilette and a p leasant fac e

“ ta b l e
are de r igu e r at all meal s —e s
”
,

p e c ial l y at b r eakfa s t a m ean s o f grac e .

43 8
 THE FAM ILY TABLE

The c hil d ren shou l d no t b e the fi rst to seat

the m selves I n so m e ho u seho l d s the chai r o f
.

t h e m othe r i s al way s place d for her by o ne o f the

lad s .

M orn i n g an d eve n in g sal u tations sho u ld b e co r

d i al and habitu al G rac e is so meti m es sai d by th e
.

you n gest c hi ld p resent ; so m eti mes all b o w the

he ad and eac h o ffe rs a s i lent thanksgivi ng
, .

O n e shou l d n ot be gi n to eat u nti l al l a re s e rved .

F avo ritism in servi ng i s to be d ep recated ; whe n

ch il d re n are h ab itu ally give n th e least d esi rable
portio ns it ed u cates greedi ness
, .

O nly at bre akfast i s i t p erm issi bl e to read let

’
ters an d the n if t we re wel l do n e i t we re d one
,
“

qu ickly .

Wh oeve r re ads a newspape r at b re akfast i s

bou n d by co u rtesy to share its contents with oth
e rs o r at l east gi ve the m ai n poi nts o f i nte rest
, .

The head li nes m ay b e read to p rove th e d earth of

-

news , s o o fte n the e xcu s e fo r si lent an d selfi s h

-

absorpti on .

A l l u npleasant s ubj ects sh ou ld b e bani s h ed fro m

conversati o n at table perso nal iti es whic h are al , ,

ways i n bad taste and u n necessary fau lt fi n d in g

,
-
.

It i s a wise r u le that criti ci sm of th e foo d b e d e

fe rre d u nti l another ti m e an d c o nfided to th e ,

’
ho usekeeper s private ear .

To d isc u ss fam ily i nte rests o r the p rivate a ffai rs

o f fri end o r nei ghbo r i n the p resenc e o f servants i s
i n ve ry b ad taste as is the sl ightest approac h to
,

b i ckerin g o r h eated argu me nt .

43 9
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

’
To p ass on e s fri end s and ac qu ai ntance s i n c riti
c al revi ew at tabl e u nless i t be to adm i re o r p rais e
,

them esp eci al ly whe n pe rhaps a guest ha s j u st

,

departed i s a fo rm of d iscou rtesy that i s u n

,

pard onabl e .

A ll the d ri lli ng o f th e chi ld ren i n table m an ners all ,

co rrectio n s sho u ld be m ade i n su ch m an ne r as n ot

to centre th e atte nti o n o f others u p o n th e d e l in
qu ent A little p rivate i nstructi on e lsewhe re th an
.

at table is apt to i ns u re m o re grati fyi n g resu lts .

C hi ld re n s ho u ld not b e al lo wed to m onop ol iz e the ’

co nve rsatio n to c ontradi ct o r i nterru pt othe rs o r

, ,

m ake them selves u nd u ly p rom i nent The s m all .

p u bl i c o f the h o m e c i rcl e i s h oweve r the n atu ra l

, ,

an d p rop er au d ie nc e fo r s oci al b egi nni n gs .

A l l sho uld exe rt themselves to m ake t h e ti m e

sp ent at table d el i ghtful an d th e powe r to ch arm
,

be freely exerted to e ntertai n the fam ily The t e .

h e ars al wi ll stand o ne i n go od s tead elsewhe r e .

Th e fi rst ru le o f table eti qu ette tau ght to S partan

ch ild ren was What i s sai d he re goes not o u t
,
“
,

”
there .

The family tab le b ri n gs o ften a revelation o f

d i spositio n as well a s b reed i ng L ess tram m elled .

by co nventi on ali ty refo rm the re m u st begi n with

,

th e hea rt rathe r th an th e hea d U n s e l fi s h n e s s .

m u st r u le We recei ve to o i n th e i nti macy o f

.
, ,

the hom e c i rcle friend s whos e go od opi ni o n we

,

val u e m o re than that o f ac qu ai ntance s to whom

we pay th e i n fe ri o r c o m pl i m ent o f a fo rm al
entertai n m ent .

440
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

th e l arge d i sh es an d th e h an d o f th e se rvant a ,

tray i s u se d fo r th e s m all o nes .

A n e mb r o i d e red centrep i ece u nde r th e ferne ry

“ ”
an d two or fo u r c o mp oti e rs o f s i lve r glass o r , ,

fin e ch i n a a re th e u s u al tabl e dec o rati ons S o m e

, .

perso ns u se c and el ab ra wi th shad es m atch i n g the

c ol ors o f th e e mb ro i d e re d centrep iece and o thers ,

ad d s m al l d ishes o f ol ives rad ishes etc Th e , , .

co mp otiers are u su ally fi l led with d ai nti es th at

d o not d epe n d alto gethe r u po n thei r freshn ess to
be acceptable cand ied fru its peppe rm i nts p ru nes
, , , ,

fi gs n u ts and raisi ns p rese rved gi nge r o r c itro n

, , ,

and fru i t are amo n g th e thi n gs that d o n ot requ i re

too fre qu ent renewal .

I f the goo d ol d fash i on ed way o f servi n g

“
,
-

b e p referred th e s ervant pl aces the s o u p tu ree n

,

Th e o l d
,
b efo re the lady o f the h o u se a nd o n e
fas h i o n e d so u p plate s ubstitu ti n g anothe r whe n
-
,

S t yl e “
,
th at i s su p pli ed Plates sh o u ld n eve r .

s aw ! “
b e p i le d b efo re any o n e .

The so iled so u p pl ates are re moved on e by on e

-
,

leavi ng th e p lace p late u n de rn eath fo r the h o rs

-

’
d oeu vres o r u ntil exch anged fo r a ho t o ne fo r
,

fish o r roast Th e vegetables are brou ght u p o n

.

the tabl e befo re th e m eat Th e fish an d ro as t .

are i n tu rn pl ace d befo re the carve r a nd a h ot ,

plate repl aces h is co l d o ne A t n o ti m e i s on e .

left witho ut a pl ate be fo re o n e A t the cleari n g .

o f the t abl e th e s oiled pl ates a re fi rst re m oved ;

whe n all h ave fini shed th en the m eat an d l astly , ,

the ve getabl es O n e c annot co nde m n to o strongly

.

442
 THE FAM ILY TABLE

the p u tting o f o ne plate u p o n anothe r i n cl eari ng

a table . T h e s al ts p eppers etc are rem oved o n a
, , .

servi ng t ray c overed with a doi ly ; the l arge pi eces

-
,

o f b read o n a p late u s i ng a fo rk ; th e,
C l e ar i n g
c ru mb s are b rus h ed and the pl ates set t h e t bl e
,
a

fo r th e sweet co u rse wh ich i s served ,

by the l ady o f the h o u se The s o iled plates are .

re moved before th e sweet itsel f is taken away .

S mal l c u p s of co ffee are passed o n a tray a nd ,

the se rvant n ext follows with s u gar and c ream fo r ,

thos e wh o l ike it .

A s ervant who u nderstand s hi s d u ties w ill an

t ic ip at e th e wants of those who m h e i s se rvi ng ,

an d obey p ro m ptly a look o f su ggesti on from his

m istress The m o re q u i etly a tab le is served the
.
,

mo re it appears to b e wel l served .

N o o n e leaves the table u nti l all h ave fi nished ,

except by s peci al pe rm issio n The n apki ns are .

fol d ed u nobtrus ively and th e ch ai rs withd rawn o u t

,

o f the i m med i ate way o f p ersons passi ng Be .

tween m eals th e whi te ta b lecloth sho u ld be

replaced by a woollen o r cloth one and the ro o m ,

arran ged i n p erfect o rde r .

A t b reakfast and l uncheon a large tray is placed

before the lady o f the hou se fro m wh i ch she ,

serves the tea an d c o ffee F ru it i s eaten ei the r .

befo re o r after the rest o f th e m eal B r e akfa s t .

B read and bu tter plates with sm all si lve r a d

- - - n

l ‘m c m m ’
kn ives now u s u ally replac e th e i n divid
u al bu tter plates Th e sm all sau cer pl ates u sed fo r
-
.
-

vegetables and fo r fr u it sau ces at l u ncheon and o c ,

44 3
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

c as io n al at d i n ne r are accepte d o n s u ffe ran ce

ly , ,

o ne at each pl ace i s th e l i m i t o f to le ranc e .

The table sh o u ld n ot b eco me d isord e red d u ri n g

the m eals N o m atte r how pl eas i n g
A dain ty
.

the v i ands an u nt i dy table w rl l detract

.

t a bl e ,

fro m al l app reci ation o f the m to tho s e

wh o are acc usto m ed to d ai nty servi ng .

With so m e pe rson s o nly whe n gu ests are e x

,

p e c te d i s any e f fo rt m ad e to beauti fy th e tab le .

O n e d oes n ot u se the best ch i na an d glass every

d ay b u t the table ap po i ntme nts m ay be tastefu l
,
'

and d ai nty with b u t s m all outlay of m on ey .

A l m ost anythi ng e dible is m ad e m o re in vifin g

by a bi t o f d eco ratio n C old m eats eggs hashes
.
, , ,

etc take o n qu ite a new ai r o f belo n gi n g to the

.
,

hi ghe r c uli n ary ari stoc racy whe n gene ro u sly gar
n is h e d with p arsl ey Ti ny wedges o f toast sli ces
.
,

o f l em on rin gs of b lood re d b eets an d of s m al l

,
-

wh ite o ni ons bits o f c racked i ce wate r c re sses

, ,
-
,

approp riately b estowed make the plain est fare ,

m ore acceptable and chop s i n fri lls o f cu rled

,

wh ite p ape r ac q u i re a to u c h o f e legance qu ite

i m possibl e to thei r c ou nterparts u natti red These .

c hop s too pl aced i n a c i rcl e overlapp in g each

,

othe r u p o n t h e platte r and th e spac e enclosed

,

fi lled with peas o r c risp b rown p otatoes have a ,

d istinct ad vantage ove r tho se s erved i n the o rd i

n ary way with the vegetabl e in a s ep arate di sh .

Plai n bread sp read u po n the lo af as i n ou r grand

’
m othe r s day a nd c u t i n tri angle s as thin as wafe rs
see m s qu i te another th ing th an the com mo npl ace
444
ETIQU ETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

i n vessels ab o u t the ro o m are e fli c ac io u s i n ban

is h in g thes e ho u seho ld n u isances Th e o do r i s .

app reci able to h u m an senses o nly i n fai nt li ttl e gu sts

’
o f pe rfu m e th at i nterm ittently ass ail o ne s nostri ls
agre eably Wi ndow b oxes of scarlet gerani u m s
.
-

are tho u ght i n E n gland to b ar o u t th e i ntrud e rs .

I f eve r the se rvice a l a R usse is i n place i t i s ,

i n warm weath e r whe n the si ght o f th e steam i n g

,

’
food u p o n t h e tabl e aggravates o ne s sense o f
d isco m fo rt The fl owers fr u it ol i ves radi shes
.
, , , ,

etc s u ffi cie ntly ad o rn the tab l e and th e food i s

.
,

m o re i nviting whe n not co nstantly i n evi denc e .

When possi ble give the family the p leasu re o f

,

a l u nc heo n o r tea se rved o u t o f do ors u nde r th e ,

trees o r o n a vi ne sc re ene d p iazz a E verythi n g

-
.

”
tastes goo d al fresco Th e appetite i s sti m
“
.

u l at e d as by change o f ai r .

C and leli ght is a welco me re li ef fro m the glare o f

gas o r the h eat o f a lam p o n the tea— table b u t i n ,

m any ho u se holds eve n s u ch l i ttle acc esso ries as

cand les are necess ari ly reserved fo r c o m pany o c
”
casio ns . A p retty e ffect m ay be p rod uc ed wh e n ,

th e ch ande l ier ove r th e table h as no d rop li g h t -

,

by arrangin g an open Japanes e u mbrel la u nde r it

so that t h e li ght i s so ftly di ffu sed an d the eye s
are protected fro m glare .

I a m ple adi n g fo r an arti stic setti n g o f o rd i

n ary ho me m eals S u c h t rifle s ad d to the pleas
.

ant atm osphe re o f fa m i ly li fe and give p roo f o f ,

tho u ghtfu l co nsi deratio n o n t h e part o f the h o me

m ake r that wi ll not fai l o f app rec iation .

44 6
 THE FA M ILY TABLE

I f i t b e obj ec t ed th at i t m akes m o r e w o rk fo r
'

the se rvants I can only answe r fro m d elightfu l

,

experi enc e th at l ike th e fam ou s feat o f S t D en is

, .

i n c arryi n g hi s seve red head i n his arm s fo r so

m any m i l es i t i s th e fi rst step whi ch costs
, The .

ro u ti ne o nce establish ed s u ch th i ngs are fo u nd to ,

be b u t little tro uble an d i nsensibly the stand ards

,

o f wo rk are rai sed i n the m i nds o f m aids as well

as mi stress The co ok wi l l n ot p rep are a ch op
.

as c arelessly whe n sh e knows i t i s to be decked

i n p ape r fu rbel ows The waitress wi ll take greate r
.

pri de an d i nterest i n he r work w h en she sees that

he r l ittle e ffo rts give pl eas u re .

Th e F re nch w h o h ave b rou ght the m ateri al art

,

of livi n g to its hi ghest po i nt an d fin is h and who ,

are at the sam e ti m e the thri fti est of

p eoples kn ow that entrées are an eco n
,

o my ,
an d stu dy h o w to m ake food m o re
attractive at its seco nd p resentati o n than before .

M eat bein g the m ost co stly ite m o f table e x p e n

”
d it u re a
,
réchau ffée
“
an e ntrée o f e ggs fi s h
, , ,

c h eese o r what not gratifi e s th e taste fo r vari ety

, , ,

and l eaves o ne with less app etite to b e satisfied

by the m o re expens ive vi ands .

The cons ci o u s ness that an o rd erly p resentable ,

table i s al w ays to b e cou nted u p o n at hom e

stim u lates the best ki nd o f hospitali ty Th e ,

not th at whi c h wei ghs an d measu res and k i n d li e s t

h ° S Pit al it y
rep ays its obligati o n with com m e rc i al
exactness s avo ri ng of the m arketplace b ecause
, ,

of the e ffo rt to d i rect the o rd i nary ho usehol d

44 7
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

r o u ti n e i nto ways c o m m ensu rate with o u r i d eas

”
o f th e cl ai m s of co m p any “
The re i s a wi de r
.
,

sweete r si m p le r h osp itality whic h lets th e l atc h

,

stri ng swi n g l oo se at the to u ch of a fri end ,

whi ch i s gl ad at the c o m in g of a gu est an d s o rry

at his go in g whi c h d oes n ot m in d c rowd i n g and
,

’
i nco nvenie nc e and m e rry con fu si o n i f o nly one s
,

hom e i s su ffi ci ent fo r the shelteri n g of ki nd red

and fri en ds to t h e u tm ost b ou ndary l in e o f fri end -

shi p S u ch hosp i tality i s not chro ni cle d i n the

.

p apers b u t all ove r the lan d it i s m aki ng p eopl e

'

gladd e r an d bette r .

Th e i deal ho m e o pens it s d oo rs i n ki ndly wel

co m e sh ari n g what the fam i ly has to give b e i t
, ,

m u ch o r l ittle a so u rce o f good l ike m ou ntai n

,
-
,

spri ngs —and se n di n g fo rth fro m its shelte r those

,

w h o wi l l fou nd new h o mes l ike i t fo r the b le ss i n g o f

ge ne rati o ns yet to co me .
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IO N S

c ap are re m oved and w h e n the c lergym a n ap

,

p ro ac h e s the fo nt t h e
, spo nso rs an d
, the n u rse
carryi ng the baby take thei r stand befo re hi m ,

th e elde r god m othe r w ith the n u rs e p reced i n g

the others .

’
Whe n th e chi l d s n am e is to be given th e god ,

m othe r takes t h e b aby fro m the n u rs e and hands it

to th e clergym an who afte rwa rd resto res i t to he r
, ,

and the n u rs e rec eives i t at the concl u s i on o f the

rite .

A fter the s ervi ce i f n o recep tio n fol l ows th e

, ,

fri en ds gath e r ab o u t the m othe r an d he r child ,

exp ressi n g c on gratu l ati o ns a nd adm i rati on of th e

l ittl e o n e .

There i s gene rally a lu ncheon o r i nfo rm al recep

’
tio n o f the g u ests at the b aby s h o m e as i n the
,

c ase o f a wedd in g .

If the ch ri ste ni n g takes place i n c h u rch o f c ou rse ,

the n am e o f th e chu rc h i s m e nti o ned i n th e i nvita

ti o ns ; i f at the h o u se th e add ress is
,

Th e
gi ven The ac c e p t e d fo r m o f i nvitatio n
in v i t at io n s .

is eith e r an en graved card o r a writte n

note th e l atte r i s the m o re c u sto m ary s ayi n g ,

Mr and M rs B ru ce Tal bot

. .

requ est the pleas u re o f yo u r c o mp any

at th e ch risten i n g o f thei r in fant d au ghte r
G ladys
’
o n Th u rsday M ay th e n i nth at o n e o cloc k
, ,

N i nety F ifth A venu e .

Or an i nfo rm al note m ay be writte n ,

45 0
 CHRIS TENIN G S

Many hesitate to e xpos e th e frai l treas u re to

the p oss ible i ncle m ency of the weathe r ,

an d the bapti s m takes pl ace at the

c h ri s t e n in
g
ho u se .

O nly thos e whos e fri en dshi p is val ued are u s u

ally i nvited to a house christeni ng an d the god ,

parents sho u ld b e chose n fro m those who are

l ikely to h ave th e ti m e an d d isp osi tion to keep
the pro m is es they are c alled up o n to m ake .

Th e ch ild wh o repl i ed to the q u estion What

d i d yo u r spo nso rs then fo r y o u ?
, , Kn i fe fo rk , ,

and sp oo n s u m med u p the whol e du ty o f go d

,

p are nts as i t seem s to b e gene ral ly u nde rstood .

Th e F rench take th e m atte r o f s p o n s o rh o o d

ve ry s e ri ou sly and fri ends fo r l ife are secu re d
,

fo r th e ch il d .

A b oy shou l d h ave two godfathe rs and on e

god mothe r ; the o rd e r i s reve rs ed i n the c ase of
gi rls
.

The h ou r fo r th e ch ristenin g shou ld b e s o ar

’
ran ged as n ot to i nterfe re with th e ch ild s reg u lar
sleep a n d the li ttl e o n e sho u ld n ot b e b ro u ght
,

d own fro m the n u rsery u nti l eve rythi ng is i n

readi ness .

The d raw i ng ro o m i s u su ally d eco rate d with

-

pal m s an d p lants b eari n g wh ite flowe rs I n th e .

c ities flori sts wi ll l oan d aisy pl ants E aste r lil i es

-
, ,

pal m s and fe rns fo r a d ayl i ght ente rtai nment at

,

h al f the p rice c h arged when the pl ants are to b e

su bj ected t o the d eleteri o u s effects o f gas In th e .

co u ntry n othi n g prettier fo r d eco r atio n c an b e

45 I
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

i m agi ned than s p rays and s mall b ranch es o f app le

blosso ms The sp ac e sho u ld be cleared i n th e
.

centre o f the roo m s o that there m ay b e ro o m

fo r th e chri sten i n g p arty to stand befo re the
clergym an fo r who s e u se there sho u ld be a
,

s m all table c ove red with a fine wh ite l ine n cloth

, ,

u p o n wh i ch sho u l d stand a glass o r si lve r bowl o f

wate r wreathed with wh ite fl owers i f one pl eas e
, .

The m othe r o r s o m e m ember o f the fam i ly

wel co mes the gu ests u po n arrival and at th e ho u r
,

nam ed fo r the cere m ony the c lergym an takes h i s

place near the i mp rovised fo nt and the n u rs e ,

carryi n g the b aby e nters the roo m fo llowed by ,

t h e p arents and go dpa rents T h ey then stan d

.

befo re the cl ergym an the baby bei n g the ce ntre

,

o f the gro u p .

Whe n that part of the servic e is reach ed wh ere

the clergym an m u st take the ch ild i n h is a rms th e ,

god mothe r takes it fro m th e n u rs e and h and s it

to h i m repeati ng i n d isti nct to nes th e n am e wh ich
,

i s to b e given to the chi ld ; an d whe n it shal l have

’
b ee n o fli c ial l y recei ve d i nto C h rist s flo ck give n ,

th e si gn c onsec ratin g to faithfu l se rvice an d ,

th e p raye r said th e go dmothe r agai n takes the

,

child and m ay h old it u ntil the co n cl u s i o n of the

,

cerem o ny .

A few m om ents are all owed fo r every o ne to see

an d adm i re th e b aby an d as soo n as possibl e the
,

c h i l d sho u ld be se nt back to th e n u rsery after ,

which a l ittl e m u si c gene rally follows Some .

”
b e autifu l and famo u s l u llaby o r cradle so n g
“ “ -

452
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S ION S

M EN U .

C la m bo u illo n with whi pp ed c re am

S weetb re ads i n white c ases
S u p r eme d e V olai ll e
C ele ry s al ad W h ite m ayo nn ai s e
,

I ces o r M eri ngu es gl acés

’
A ngel s food
C o ffe e
Whe r e the p u rse perm its the i nd ulge nce e ach
gu est m ay b e p rese nted wit h a ti ny wh ite bo nbo n
n i ere as a so u ven i r u po n wh i c h i n raise d l ette rs o f
, ,
’
gi lt o r si lve r th e b aby s n am e i s traced
, .

The boxes m ay co ntai n bo nbon s acco rdi n g to

taste bu t the top laye r at least sh o u ld b e o f the
, , ,

sm all s m ooth su gar al mo nds kno wn as d ragées

, ,

d e b ap té m e i f o ne woul d b e faithfu l to ti m e
,

h ono re d trad iti ons .

If th e co m pany i s s eated at table i nstead o f

”
bei n g served e n b u ffet th e fathe r of the ch il d
“
,

takes i n the godmothe r to the d i n ing roo m the -

,

god fathe r s i ts at the ri ght of the hostess the ,

cle rgyma n at he r left . H e i s always i nvited to

ask a blessin g .

’
Th e b aby s ch ri ste n in g rob e i s often an he i rloom ,

o r i s tri mm ed with l ac e th at has fam i ly asso ci ati o ns .

It i s general ly m ad e with a sho rt wai st an d

’
very lon g ski rt In fants full d ress i s
.

su pposed to requ i re th e fini shin g to u ch

o f smal l rosettes o f n arrow white ribb o n o n either
sid e o f th e l ittl e w ai st at th e belt an d whe reve r ,

o n the ski rt they m ay b e app rop ri ately bestowe d .

454
 CHRI S TEN IN GS

’
The b aby s clot h es sho u ld ap pear soft and filmy ,

n ot sti ff an d starchy and above al l thi ngs they

, , ,

s h ou ld be c o m fo rtable .

. Th e s up re m e q u esti on u ppermost i n the m i nd

o f th e mam m a whethe r t h e baby wi ll be goo d
d u ri n g the o rd eal o f be i n g taken awkward ly i n
h and by tho se l ittle acc ustom ed to s u c h o ffices i s ,

b est solve d by m aking t h e c hi ld co mfo rtable and ,

the po rte b é b é i s p re ferred by m any to the

-a

so m ewh at c u m b rou s rob e Lyi n g at e ase o n a

.

p retty lace tri m med p i llow the l ittle l i mbs are

-
,

slipp ed i nto a sort o f pocket formed by a d ai ntily

em broi de red c overlid attached o n three sid es to
,

the p i llow A wi de sati n ri bbon is tied aro u n d the

.

p reci o u s b u n dle its end s meeti n g i n a large bow

,

’
at the ch ild s waist .

A p osy has always b ee n o ne o f the trad iti on al

esse nti als of the baptism al to ilette A si ngle E aste r .

li ly as a bo u qu et holde r fi lled with l ilies of the val

l ey o r hot ho u s e d aisi es o r a b u n ch o f the bl oss om s
-

them sel ves tu cked i n at the little waistband are ap ,

p pr o r ia t e to the weare r .

A p retty tea gown is usu ally worn by th e yo u n g

-

m other and th e gu ests

,
m e n and wo m e n com e
i n fo rmal vi siti ng d ress .

’
The b aby s n u rse shoul d wear a l arge ap ron o f
soft white m ull an d he r cap be ado rned with a
,

wh ite sati n b ow .

A s soon as th e sp on so rs h ave been notified of

the ti me appo i nted fo r t h e christen ing it i s in c u m
be nt u po n the m to send the chi ld a prese nt A .

45 5
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

si lve r po rri n ge r c u p o r b it o f j ewel ry m arked

, , ,
’
with th e baby s n am e i s th e u su al gi ft
, For a .

b aby gi rl to who m a kni fe fo rk and

Th e g i f t s
, ,

S poo n h ave bee n given th e p resen t i s

,

s o m eti m es repeated o n e ach s u c cess ive bi rthday ,

u nti l th e twel fth i s reached when the l ittle gi rl

,

i s the p ossesso r o f a fu ll dozen o f e ach E ve ry .

ye ar the patte rn i s d i ffe re nt and al l are m arked

,

wi th th e d ates o f the p resentation .

A grand fath e r o r the go d fath er ifh e b e a wealthy

,

rel ative s o m eti mes p laces a s um of m o ney i n the

,
’
s avi ngs bank to the baby s c red it o r p rese nts
-
,

hi m with a b ond whi ch w ith th e accu m u l ated

i nte rest i s pai d when th e ch ild beco m es o f age .

O the r fri ends i nvited to t h e c h riste ni n g are

no t exp ected to m ake th e ch ild p resents bu t ,

m any choos e to d o so o r they se nd fl owers to the

,

’
b aby s m othe r o n the d ay o f the bapti sm I f the .

gi fts are d isp layed the card s are re moved

, .

It i s cu sto m ary fo r t h e parents o f th e chi ld to

give so me l ittl e s o u ve ni r to the n u rse o n th e occ a
si o n of a c hri ste ni n g as a gift fro m th e b aby
, .
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

ap prop ri ate sylvan e ffect E ve ry p retext fo r in

.

t ro d u c in g leaves and verd u re sho u l d b e taken

advantage o f .

I f i t b e desi re d to give so uven i rs to the gu ests ,

a s m all bi rch b ark c anoe fi lled with fern s o r wi ld

-

fl owe rs o f any ki nd t h at grow i n the woods m ay be

at each place o r an i m me nse sawd ust pi e m ay co n
,

tai n woo de n t rifl e s to b e d istrib u ted amon g the m .

Th e b rid e wears he r weddin g gown — hardly

yet o u t o f fashi on — b u t d is cards the vei l .

Pl ants i n tub s and o f wood land

s ce nes anythi ng fro m a clot h es pi n to a c arri age
-

— i s app rop ri ate as a gi ft . A fam il y tree care

fu lly d rawn with co rrect geneal ogical structu re
wo uld b e a not i napp rop ri ate tri fle to o ffer ,

and a goo d tool chest i s i nvalu able to yo u ng

-

hou seh old e rs .

Te n ye ars after th e wedd in g d ay co m es the n ext

m il esto ne u po n the h ighway o f m arri ed l i fe c alled ,

”
the ti n wedd i ng fo r whi ch a recep
“
,

ti o n i s th e c elebrati o n u s u ally c hose n

i n wi nte r a nd a lawn p arty i n s u m m er ,

d i fferi ng fro m s u ch festivities o nly i n that the

host recei ves with h is wi fe .

N ew ti nware u po n th e table wi ll b e fo u n d
almost as e ffective as si lve r and p retty i n co m
,
’

bi natio n with p ink roses o r c arn at io n s C i rcu lar .

cake ti ns fil led with fl owe rs m ay wreathe th e pri n

-

c i al
p d ishes
. A ny ti ns mit h wi ll m ake fl o w er

holde rs i n th e fo rm o f the d ate o f the wed d ing

and t h e p rese nt o ne i f s o meth i ng e labo rate be
,

458
 W EDDING ANNIVE RS ARIE S

desi red to de co rate th e e nds of th e table U pon

, .

c ards covere d s m o othly w ith ti n fo i l the names

, ,

of th e g u ests m ay b e di sti nctly writte n with a bl u nt

pencil T he b ri d e agai n wears h e r wed d i n g d ress
.
,

n o w grow n s u f ficiently old i n style to be a sou rc e

of am us e me nt an d c arrie s h er b ou qu et i n a ti n
,

fu n nel I f t h e entertai n m ent b e o u t o f d oo rs each

.
,

little table sho u ld have i ts fl o w e r fi l l e d tin rec eptacle -

.

M u si c enl ivens the sce n e and i f there i s danc ,

i n g afte r th e c e rem on i ou s p art o f the ente rtain

m ent all p resent shou l d j o in i n a V i rgini a R eel
, ,

the b ri d e an d gro om leadi n g o ff .

The gifts an d table ap poi ntm ents m ay i nclu de

new ti n fi s h ho rns d u st p ans fu n nels an d c ake ti ns
-
,
-
, , ,

beri bb o ned a nd fill ed with fl owe rs ; and glob e

shap ed wi re baskets u sed fo r d ryi ng lett u ce li ned ,

with silk m ake ch arm i n g bo nb on ni eres

,
.

O n e fath e r gave hi s d au ghte r a ti n s avi ngs bank -

,

well capital ized and another a bag of money , ,

”
labelled ti n .

The c rystal wed di n g co m m em o rates the fi f

“

t e en th anni versary The i nvitatio ns m ay h ave the

.

d ates and crest o r i niti als sp ri nkled wi th

T h e c ry s t a l
th e p ul ve r i zed m i c a known as d i amond w e d d i n g
0

”
p owd er o n a thi n l aye r o f m u cil age .

O n th e tabl e c u t gl ass sho u ld b e p ro mi nent u nless ,

’
one s p u rse fo rb id w h en the p re ssed gl ass i m i , ,

tati ng it s o n early m ay well replace it R ed roses

,
.

or carn ati ons scarlet ge ran i u ms o r pop pies m ake

,

a striki ng and e ffective co ntrast wi th t h e colo rless

glass A l arge mi rro r bo rd er ed with sm i lax with
. ,

45 9
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

wh ic h red fl owers are thickly entwi ne d an d a ,

b owl of blosso m s of the s ame shad e u po n i ts c entre

m ake an attracti ve c e ntrepiec e an d o n e i s fo rtu ,

n ate i f amon g hei rloo ms o ne possesses glass cand e

lab ra with pe nd ent p ris ms The red c and le shad es .
-

m ay bear th e m arri age d ates do ne i n c rystal be ads .

I f the e nte rtai nm e nt be i n the nat u re o f a r e

c e t io n
p the ,
tea and co f
fee shou ld b e served i n
tu mblers a s is u s u al i n R u ssi a for the fo rm e r an d
,

i n Au stri a fo r the l atter F o r pres ents va s es of.

,

all sh apes and s iz es bottles c o ntai ni ng anythi ng

,

on e pleases bits of V e neti an glass m i croscope s

, , ,

m agni fyi n g gl asses o ffer a wid e cho ic e

-
,
.

The twenti eth an n iversary i s not c eleb rate d by

s u pe r s titi o u s persons b u t those o f wi de r visi o n
,

and u ntram melled by fai th i n a d eity

Th e l in e n
wh o i s gu i ded o r h ampe red by acci d e nt s
w e ddi n g
to lo oki n g glasses o r othe r t rifli ng m is
-

”
c hance enj oy thei r li nen wed d in g ann iversary
,
“
,

and rej o ic e i n gi fts o f beauti fu l nap ery e m b ro i ,

d ered do ili es an d centrep ieces d rawn wo rk like ,

’
sp i d e r s webs and othe r devi ces
-
, .

Th e b l u e eyed flowe r o f the fl ax pl ant wo uld be

-

the app ropri ate one fo r the d eco ratio n o f the

table b ut as they are not read ily p roc u rable th e
, ,

bl u e of th e ragged sai lo r m ay b e a fitti ng s u b s ti

-

tu te with field dai si es to give vari ety A l ittle

, .

i nge nu ity m ay fo rm o u t of a d oz e n fringed d oili es

a bord er o f l i nen abo ut th e flo we r pi ece not u nl ike ,

the fl owe rs them selves and fo r the occasi on th e,

old fash ion ed elabo rate foldi ng of n apki ns at each

-

460
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

than p i nk roses p artic u larly by arti fic i al l ight

, .

F o rtu n ately fo r light pu rses Ju n e ros es b l us h as ,

p retti ly i n pl ated ware as i n more c ostly setti n g .

C an dle shades c ak es b o nbo ns all sh o u l d c o nfo rm

-
, , ,

to t h e rose co l o re d note that sho u l d be th e d o m

-

in an t o ne m o rally a nd m ate ri ally .

I t i s a p retty c u sto m fo r th e bri d e and gro om to

re pe at the i r wedd in g j o u rney .

F ew h ave the go ld en o pp o rtu n ity of cel eb rati n g

thei r fi ftieth an n ivers ary T he i nvitati o ns sh o u ld be
.

en graved i n gilt the brid e sh o u ld wear

,

so m e so u ve n i r o f he r wedd i n g fi ne ry ,

an d the gown itsel f be u p o n exh i bi ti on .

Th e aged b ri d e sh o u ld leave to you nge r heads

and hand s th e p reparati o ns fo r h er gu ests and she ,

m ay with all p rop ri ety receive the m seated A .

wi cke r chai r i s e asily deco rated after the m an ner

o f a carri age at a fl owe r p arad e Th e groo m m ay
-
.

be l ikewise p rovi d ed fo r o r h e m ay stand at h is

,

’
wi fe s si de fo r a ti m e and th en m i ngle wi t h the gu ests .

A l l th e ch ild ren grandchi l d ren and great grand

, ,
-

ch ild re n sho u l d be p resent a fami ly gatherin g

, .

The room s and t abl e sho u l d b e gay with golden

bl osso m s th e d eco rati on s s u ggesti ng ripen ess
, ,

c u l m i n atio n
,
yellow m aple b ou ghs rip e wheat , ,

gol den ro d i n a u tu mn C h rysanthe m u ms d a ffodi ls

, , .

N atu re i s always p rodi gal of yell ow bl oo m .

The p resents n eed o nly su ggest i n c olo r the

p rec i o u s metal .
~

A t the close all m i ght j o i n i n s in gi ng A u ld “

L an g S yn e as a fi tti n g c li max to the occasi on .

46 2
C /z ap t e r T/z z r gz t /z z r d —F U N E R A L S
' '

when ou r ski es are cle ar th at

we s h o u ld ac q u aint o u rselves with
m atte rs to l earn which i s an ad de d
to rtu re when the shadows of b e
r e av e m e n t d arke n abo ut u s .

A t fu nerals howeve r si mple an d p rivate syste m

, ,

i s need ed to i ns u re di gnity A i mi ng at i n form al i ty

.
,

we so meti m es h ave d iso rde r .

The p re p arati ons are co m mitted to the care of

an u ndertake r w h o m akes all arrange
,

m ents gu id e d by the wi shes and tastes

,

o f the fam ily .

The c u sto m i s growi n g i n favo r of h angi n g the

d oo r bel l o f a h o u se o f mo u rn ing with flowe rs in
-

stead o f the fu neral c rape e mphasi zi ng thou ghts

,

of res u rrecti o n rathe r th an o f d eath The shades .

shou l d b e d rawn ove r th e wi nd ows at th e front of

th e ho u se the bell m u ffled an d a se rvant detailed
, ,

to b e at the d oo r to receive an d trans mit m essages .

The bu ri al cl othi n g fo r m en i s u su ally that wo rn

in l ife F o r wo m e n a n ig h t d ress o r wrappe r
.
-

aid s the i l lu sio n th at they h ave falle n asleep .

The cle rgyme n and p al l b earers whe n the re -

,

are any are i nvited by n ote

, .

I nto the h and s o f so m e m ascu li ne mem ber o f

the family o r so me tru stwo rthy intim ate friend , ,

463
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL . O CCA S I O NS

are u su ally c o nfid ed the p repa ratio ns fo r the fu

n e ral H e s e e s t h at the an nou n ce m e nt i s m ade i n
. .

th e newsp apers c o nfe rs w ith the sexton arran ges

, ,

fo r the fu n eral p ro cessi o n i f the ce re mo ny takes

,

place at ch u rch m a kes th e appoi ntme nt fo r the

,

m eeti n g o f the p all bearers i f su c h are i nvi ted to

-
,

serve and spares the fam ily whateve r p ai nfu l d e

,

tai ls co n nected wi th the fu neral h e m ay .

S o m e wo m an fri end m ay generally be c ou nted

u p o n to arrange fo r a d ress maker to cal l to take
o rde rs an d give th e n e c e s s ary fi t tin gs fo r su itable
m o u rni n g fo r the wo me n of the be reaved fam ily ,

d o what sho p pi ng is need ed and m ake he rsel f ,

actively and tactfu lly u sefu l .

U nless i t is re qu ested that n o fl owe rs be se nt ,

i n ti m ate friend s i ntru st the i r m ess ages o f sym p a

thy to the m , the blosso ms always see mi n g to
exp ress j u st wh at h eart wou l d say to heart .

S peech i s o fte n to o gross an d writte n wo rds are

to o col d to say what we wo u ld howeve r tem ,

pe red by feel i n g Th e fl owe rs are n o l o nger

.

tortu red i nto sti ff fo rm s u n grace fu l an d costly

, ,

b u t se nt i n large loose cl u sters wreaths and

, , ,

S p rays The cho ice i s n ot n ecessari ly confi ned to

.

whi te blosso ms and p alm b ranches s u gge st the

,
’
sou l s vi ctory .

The c asket — the wo rd itsel f is m erci fu l — i s

u s u ally cove red with bl ack cloth bu t vi olet p al e , ,

gray o r even wh ite h as been u sed fo r yo u ng per

,

so ns F lowe rs cove r th e enti re l id and th e c u stom

.
,

o f l eavi n g the face o f the dead exposed to the

464
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IO NS

th ere a r e p al l beare rs th ey act as a gu ard of

-
,

ho no r .

Th e clergym an ge ne rally meets th e c asket an d ,

reads th e b u ri al servi c e as h e precedes i t u p the

aisle . It i s the n d epos ited u pon a catafal qu e
d rape d i n black an d ofte n cove red wi th fl owe rs .

The c asket i tsel f i s also c ove red with E aste r l i l i es ,

vi olets o r othe r blosso ms o r a p all o f ivy leaves

, , ,

thickly sewn o n so m e thi n m ateri al that fall s ,

abo u t i t like a d rap e ry .

The retu rn o f the fa m ily dow n the aisl e faci ng

th e co ngre gati o n i s very tryi ng and to obvi ate this
, ,

the c u sto m is obtai n i n g fo r the casket to be i n i ts

p lace i n th e chu rch an d th e fam ily seate d i n the
forward p ews befo re the rest of the peopl e
ass e m ble .

A t th e clo se o f th e servi c es the cle rgym an

an nou nces th at the i nte rm ent wi ll take pl ace
“

”
at the co nve ni ence o f the family an d al l d i s ,

p erse afte r whi ch th e fam i ly ente r c arri ages and

,

fo llo w the hearse to th e ce m etery Th e mo re p ri .

vate a fu ne ral can be mad e th e m o re is it i n ,

’
h arm ony with o ne s fin er i nsti ncts .

It is th e tho u ghtfu l c u sto m o f m any to send the

flowe rs afte r the fu neral to the h ospi tals except ,

su ch as have b een give n by th e fam ily o r by n ear

and d e ar frien d s whi ch are left u po n th e c asket
, .

I f the fl owe rs are by thei r arran ge ment s u ggestive

to the pati ents o f th e u se to wh i ch they h ave been
p u t the n u r s e s take the m ap art and d i s t r ib ute
,

the m .

466
 FUNERALS

I n Protestan t co mm u nities t h e re i s n o specifi c

ch arge m ad e either fo r o pen i ng a chu rch fo r a
,

fu neral o r fo r co nd u cti ng th e s ervi c es

,

the re o r at the hou se It i s cu sto ma ry

.
,

h owever whe re people are we ll to do

, ,

to offe r to the o ffi ci ating cl e rgym an s o me s u b s t an

ti al recogniti o n of hi s se rvi ces and whe re the fu n ,

e ral i s held i n c h u rch the s exto n expects a fee

, ,

wh ich i n Ne w Yo rk i s u s u ally fro m ten to twe nty

fi ve d ollars N othing i s exp ected fro m perso ns i n
.

m od erate ci rc u mstan ces The o rgani st an d cho r

.

is t e rs are pai d accord ing to what thei r abi lity can

co m m an d .

’
A carri age is sent to the clergym an s h ou se and ,

placed at h is d i spos al u ntil hi s ret u rn there after

th e se rvi ce at th e c e mete ry C arri ages are also
.

p rovided fo r th e m e mbe rs o f the fami ly the pall ,

beare rs an d s u ch relatives and fri en ds as care to go

,

to th e ce mete ry afte r t h e fu ne ral at ho u se o r chu rch .

Where pal l bea rers a re req u ested to serve as a

-

gu ard o f ho no r — fo r th ey n o lo nger c arry th e cas

ket u po n thei r own s h o u ld ers as w as fo r ,
T h e p a ll
me rly the cu stom — t h ey m eet at t h e b e ar e r s
ho use o f the dece ased and fro m t h e nce ,

p roceed to th e chu rc h i n carri ages p rovid ed fo r them .

S ix o r ei ght persons i s th e u su al n u mb e r i nvi ted .

I n the vesti b u le th e p roc essi on forms and th e ,

p all beare rs p reced e the casket walki ng two by

-
,

two retu rn i ng a fter th e se rvi ces i n the sam e o rd er

, , .

I n d rivi ng to the cemete ry thei r carri ages follow that

.
,

o f th e c lergym an whi ch go es next afte r the hearse

,
.

46 7
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

B lack gloves are s o m eti m es fu rn ished these ge n

t l e m e n th rou gh the u nde rtaker o r sexto n b u t the
, ,

m o u rn in g scarfs wi th whi ch they u sed to be in

vested are now rarely seen .

The O p en grave l s o fte n l i ned with fl ower s o r

eve rgreen the earth heap ed at its si d e c ove red
,

Th e las t with gree n bo u ghs o r wh ite bl os so ms .

re s t i g
n
O n e wo u l d s u ggest tho u ghts not o f ,

pl ac e a body co m m i tted to the eart h b u t of ,

a sou l p assed to happi ness The fl o we rs s e nt

.

by frie nds are c arried i n the h ears e a nd le ft u po n

the close d grave O nly n ear frie nd s u s u ally ac
.

co m pany the re m ai n s o fth e d eceased to th e ce m e

te ry. We wo ul d h ave o nly those ab o u t u s whom
we love o r wh o loved the o ne who m we m o u rn at
s u ch ti m es altho u gh co nve nti o n ali ty and the
,

p resence o f others o ften b race ou r e ffo rts at sel f

c o ntrol .

The fu lso me flatt e ries the lud i c ro u s atte m pts at

,

poetry that it u se d to be th e c u sto m to i nsc ribe

,

u po n to mbstones h ave b ro u ght abo u t

Th e
e p i t ap h
a reacti o n i n favo r o f th e s i mp lest
poss ible reco rd o f the nam e wi th d ates ,

o f b i rth an d death .

I n P u ritan ti m es when anyth ing ve rging u po n

,

co mpli m ent was regarded as a s nare o f the evil

o ne the epitap h was o ften the fi rst reco gniti on
,

openly expressed —o fthe wo rth an d vi rtu es o f

the d eceased D eath b roke d o w n th e b arri ers
.

of retice nce and th e p e nt u p l ove and feeli ng

,
-

fou n d thei r o u tlet i n the ep itaph .

468
C fi ap t e r T/z z s jy f m— S ERVANTS
'

-
aa r

HE evid e nce o f go o d breed i n g i s

neve r mo re co nspi c u ou s th an i n the
treatm ent o f those i n i n feri o r p o si ~

tio ns an d espec ially o f o u r own

depend ents There i s an eti qu ette
.

go vern i ng s u c h relatio ns that i s the m o re b i nd in g

bec au se i t c an o nly be e nfo rced by o u r pe r s o n al
s en se o f j u s ti c e an d p ro priety .

The fact th at the p rovo cati o n i s so meti m e s ex

c e s s ive d oes not exc use a l apse o n the p art o f

th os e wh o p resu m ably m ay clai m s u pe rio r ad

vantages o ftrai ni ng ed u cati on and refi nem ent
, , .

There i s a well known sto ry o f an old S c otch

-

d ivi ne who i n his deep co nvi cti o n o f th e po ssi

,

b il ities o f goo d i n everybody e xh o rted h is co n,

re gat io n to p ray fo r the great A dve rsary add i n g

g , ,

i n p ityi n g to n es Nae b o d ie p raigh s fo r the p u i r

,
“

”
dei l.

In com mo n with th e ol d S cotch m an o n e m ay ,

assu m e that s ervants are m ade b ette r by exactly

th e s am e p rin ci ples that th e rest o f the wo rl d i s
i m proved F ew are s o bad that th ey cannot be
.

to u ched and recl ai m ed by ki nd ness an d eye ,

s e rvic e ch anged to h eart s ervice -

.

T he re is n o d oubt th at refo rm i s need ed i n o u r

d om esti c se rv ic e Id iocy w o uld s o m eti me s see m
.

47°
 S E RVANTS

to be n o d isqu alificati o n fo r p o s ition s i n the

h ou sehold ; b u t i ncom petence asi d e m any e m
, ,

p l o y e rs c o m pl ai n o f i m perti ne nce lazi ness c are , ,

less i nd i ffere n ce .

I t might b e eloquently d emonst rated that the re

may be fa u lt o n both s ides b u t at lea s t the best ,

way to re form th e world i s always to begi n wi th

o u rselves .

I d o not advocate a senti m ental attitu d e toward s

s ervants o r a system of pettin g and coddli n g that ,

wo u l d o nly sp oi l an d m ake the m in T o m ak e

su ffe rable ; b u t eve n o n p u rely selfish go o d
gro u nds to sec u re goo d se rvice they s e rv an t s
,

sho u ld be treated with the co nsi der ation that

o n e wo uld expect to recei ve were the positio ns ,

reve rsed never fo rgetti ng th at they are fe l low

,

mo rtals not m ach i nes

, .

F amili ari ty an d i nti m acy with se rvants o nly

lower the m istress to t h ei r l evel i n thei r regard ,

and yet a d eci d ed politen ess o f ton e i n add ressin g

them whi le pl eas i ng by its c or d i al ity co nveys a
, ,

s ense of su pe rio r b reedin g th at i s as a great “

”
gu l f fixed .

S u ch a m anne r i s th e m ost effective c h eck to a

th re atened i mpe rti nence They are n ot u sed to .

h ave thei r eb u ll itio ns o f tem pe r m et i n a cool ,

c alm pol ite to ne of gentle i nqu i ry i nto th ei r grie v

,

an c e s . It d isco nce rts them an d robs them o f

thei r accu sto m ed weapons C h esterfield says th at .

’
“
Po liten ess i s on e s b est defence agai nst othe r
’ ”
peopl e s m anne rs .

47x
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

Thi s attit u d e i s o f co u rs e only p ossibl e wh en

, ,

’
o ne has o ne s own tem pe r wel l i n h an d an d o u r ,

ascende ncy i s at a n e nd i f w e are s een to l ose o u r

e qu ani m i ty I t i s bette r to fly i nco nti nently fro m
.

the scen e an d wait u nti l o n e can rep ri m an d i n a

j u d ic ial sp i rit rathe r th an descen d to thei r l evel
,

and give angry l ook fo r l ook and wo rd fo r wo rd .

Whe n engagi n g a s ervant o ne sho u ld exac t a ,

rel i able reference an d whe n possible s ee the l ast

,

employer p erso nal ly The character o f .

E n ga gi n g ”
th e l ady wh o gives t he characte r i s
a s e rv a n t
not u ni mpo rtant S ervants sh o u l d b e .

told exactly wh at i s to b e expected o f the m I f .

o n e tri es to m ake the wo rk appe ar as e asy as p os

si ble it i s o fte n m isle ad in g and th e s e rvants are
, ,

d isapp oi nted and grow d issatisfied O n e tro u ble .

c o m es fro m th e fact th at o u r h ou sewi ves are no t

bu siness wo me n .

’
Whe n a m ai d n ewly e nters o ne s se rvice o ne ,

c an not b u t sym path iz e with t he l onel i ness i nsep

arable fro m new faces and s u rro u nd i ngs ,
A r i gh t
b e gi n n i n g the c riti cal foc u ssi n g o f m any p ai rs o f
eyes and th e c o nscio usn ess o f bei ng
,

j u d ge d by t rifl e s I t i s b u t right fo r the m istres s

.

to express he r hop e in pleasant co rd ial tones that

, , ,

sh e m ay be h appy i n the ho u sehold and gi ve h e r ,

in ch arge o f som e speci al fellow servan t with -

,
”
i nstru ctions to make he r feel at ho me Her .

d u ties shou ld b e d efine d as clearly as possible ,

’
leavi n g o ne s s el f however a lo oph ol e o f escap e
, ,

fro m i ro n bou nd rules by tell in g the gi rl th at

-
,

4 72
 ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

’
I t i s ge nerally u n derstood th at afte r a week s
tri al the e mploye r is abl e to j u dge wh ethe r o r n ot
the s ervant i s l ikely to s u i t th e re qu i re
m ent of the pl ace If afte r th at h e o r
.
, ,

sh e is d ischarged befo re th e m o nth i s

u p th e s ervant i s e ntitled to th e wages fo r th e
,
’
e nti re m o nth and fro m fo u r days to a week s
,

notice th at the se rvi ce wi l l n ot b e l on ge r requ i r ed .

S h o u ld servants c h oos e to l eave s u d d enly of th ei r

own ac cord be fo re the m o nth has exp i red thei r ,

wages wo u ld b e fo rfei ted fo r the u nse rved ti m e

‘

It i s a m ani fest tru i sm o f co u rse th at the m i s

, ,

tres s o f a h o u s e sho ul d kno w how wo rk ou ght to

b e d on e an d h ow to gu id e her servants
,

to its sati sfactory acco mplishm ent The .

age of m odel ho u s ekeepers i s n ot n o w ,

ho weve r an d to thos e wh o know the mselves d e fi

,

/
ci ent it i s wise not to ass u m e a vi rtu e i f they h ave
i t n ot . H u mb u g i n any fo rm i nvites co ntempt .

I t will i m pose u pon n o o n e fo r long and o n e ,

’
fi gu res i n a som ewh at rid i c u lo u s l ight be fo re o ne s
s e rvants when u nco nsc i o u sly to u s they see
, ,

th ro u gh the sham .

It wo u l d be wise r to overlook th e wo rk as a
.

l ea r n er and frankl y ad m it th at o ne wants to see

,

how the wo rk sho u ld b e don e It u su ally sp u rs .

th em to pai nstakin g e ffo rt and the ass u rance o f ,

’
o ne s co nfidence in t h ei r ab i lity i n cites even
sli ghtly c o nsci e ntio u s pe rso ns to do thei r b est
fo r a ti me L ater o ne i s qu ali fied to j u d ge them
.
,

by th e ir own stan d ards

p .

4 74
 S ERVANTS

The wo rk sho u ld be fai rly d ivi ded The co m .

p ar ative l iberty o f so m e servants i s a sou rc e of

e nvy an d j ealo usy to othe rs System atic methods .

wi l l give the m the ofte n m u c h n eed ed rest -

.

Whe n a wo m an kn ows how work shou ld be

d o ne and how to d i rect others i t i s o fte n wise to ,

let s ervants d o thei r own way at fi rst and i f not , ,

satisfacto ry they may b e i nstr u cted — not arb i

, ,

t rar il y but pati e ntly showing the m the advantages

, ,

of the n e w m ethod N agging s u rveillanc e will .

spo i l a goo d servant .

C om mend ati o n fo r so m e p arti c ul ar thi ng well

do ne o fte n i ns u res its c onti n u ed perfo rm ance .

The re i s n o o n e b ut the m istress to s ay the

p leas ant word o f p raise that we all c rave an d
e nj oy I t gives a m arvello u s i ncentive to dese rve
.

th e contin u ed goo d O p i n i o n O f those who m we

thi n k we h ave pl ease d .

Prais e fo r so meth i ng well done i s often a tactfu l -

p reface to fa u lt fi nd in g abou t th ings i ll do ne

-
.

I f regard ed as worthy o f confid ence se rvants , ,

l ike th e re st o f h u m anity are m o re l ikely to d e ,

se rve i t They sho u ld h ave the s am e benefit of

.

the doubt at l east th at th e law acco rds to c ri m i

, ,

n al s
,
that they are i n nocent u ntil p roved gu i lty ;
i n othe r wo rds that they are competent l ikable
, , ,

an d s atisfacto ry u nti l they p rove th emselves oth e r

wise . A go od m istress is even and j ust i n he r
m an age ment n ot ove rlooki ng fau lts when i n am i
,

abl e m ood an d magnifyi n g them i n m om ents of

an noyanc e .

475
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

S ervants are apt to copy th e m a n ner s o f thei r

e mpl oye rs I f the head s o f the ho u s e are co u rte
.

o u s o r b ru s qu e s o are th e s ervant s li kel y to be

, .

”
“
Please eithe r exp re ss ed o r i mp l ied i n the
,

to ne O f vo i ce sho u l d fre qu ently p refac e a n o rde r

, ,
”
and Th ank yo u ackno w ledge its exec u ti o n if i t
“
,

i s so m e perso nal servi ce an d to wish the m a ple as ,

”
ant “
go od m o rn i n g has a d isti n c t ed u cati o n al
-

val u e C hild ren sho u ld b e requ i red to ask fo r any

.

sp ec i al se rvi ce c o u rteo usly not dem an d i t an d thei r ,

“
,

reaso nable requ ests sho u ld b e granted .

S cold in g whe n i rritated neve r d o es any good

, ,

’
except as an i gnob le vent to o ne s feeli n gs A n .

ge r i s co ntagio us and a s h arp re pri m and often ,

seems to ca ncel the fa u lt i n the o pi ni o n o f the

deli n qu en t especi ally if given i n th e p resence o f
,

othe rs which i s always a m istake

, O n e shou l d
n ot bla m e u nd uly fo r ac c i d e nt s bu t requ i re th at ,

t h ey be rep o rted at o nce A self respecti ng m is .

-

tress does n ot d i scu ss he r a f fai rs with he r se rvants ,

no r l iste n to thei r gossi p abo ut othe r ho u seholds .

Whe n possi bl e eac h s ervant shoul d h ave h e r

,

own roo m o r at least her own b u reau and p a rt

,
’

Th e
o f a clo s et A m ai d s bed roo m i s.an
s e t v am s i m po rtant facto r i n h er edu c ati o n a s a
’

ro o m s ho u sehold servant I t shou l d not o nl y .

b e n eat co m fo rtable and dece ntly fu rn ish ed

, , ,

b u t m ad e ho me li ke sh owi ng a pe r s onal thou ght

-
,

fo r her pleasu re o n the p art o f h er m i stress

, ,

th at sti rs warm an d ki ndly i m pu lse s likely to ,

exp ress the m selves i n d u tifu l s ervice .

4 76
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S ION S

it h ard to l i ve wi th u nco ngen i al peop le eve n wi th ,

o u r s u p eri o r wisd o m an d p hi losophy .

Many neve r go o u t by d aylight except o n an ,

o ccasi o nal S u nd ay and n o wonde r that th e he at o f

,

the ki tch e n fi re i s s o meti m es co m m u n i cated to th e

tem p e r .

Whe re a little p l easu re is b ro u ght with i n th ei r

reach to be enj oye d to gethe r — the b ad h u m o rs
, ,

O fte n vanis h l ike m i st be fo re s u nshi n e N othi n g so .

qu i ckly p ro m otes rec ip ro c al ki nd ness of feeli ng as

a co m m u n ity o f e nj oym e nt A few fi fty c ent tick .
-

’
ets to so m e s h ow o r a s u m m er afterno o n s o uti n g
h as o fte n e xo rcised th e worst of h u m o r s an d tu rne d
foes i nto fri en ds .

”
T h e old ad age ab o u t A ll wo rk and n o play is
as tru e o f them as of the rest o f u s Th ey sho ul d .

b e al lowe d p art o f a d ay eac h week o r so m e stated ,

ti m e fo r recreation and p a rt o f every second S u n

, ,

d ay wi th whi ch n othi n g sh o u l d be allowed to

,

i nterfe re except i n extre m e cases wh e n i ts re l in

, ,

u is h m e n t s h o u ld b e accepted as a favo r
q .

’
Th e h ou se o r kitc h en i s the s e rvants workshop ,

and they n at u rally wi sh to take th ei r pleasu re else

where Then to o they have thei r trou bl es , ho me
.
, ,

anxieties i ll health that th ey m u st hi d e o r risk the

,
-
,

los s o f th ei r pl ac e d epe nde nce u po n the wills !so me

,

ti mes the m ood s ) o f oth ers These th i ngs s adden .

an d so u r th e d i spositi o n i f there i s n o reli ef i n

,

s o m e littl e rec reati o n .

’
M any o f t h e m are you n g with yo uth s natu ral ,

c ravi n g fo r pleasu re It i s natu r al that they should

.

4 78
 S ERVANTS

try to get am u se ment to o w hen th ey see the

, ,

yo u ng l adi es of the ho u se o ften livi n g fo r little

else .

I thi nk t h at so m e roo m !p erhaps t h e front base

m e nt ) s ho u ld b e set apart fo r the i r u s e co m fo rtably ,

fu rn ished with lou nge rocki ng chai rs a l am p o r

,
-
,

’
dro p l i ght and p rovi ded wi th gam es last m onth s
-
, ,

m agazi nes an d a li ttle l ib rary o f e ntertai nin g

,

b ooks H ere they sho u ld be allowed to rece ive thei r

.

fri en ds as lo n g as they be h ave qu ietly and p rop

e rly Men friends ? Yes Why sho uld we d rive
. .

yo un g gi rls o u t o f the s afe shelter o f th e ho m e ,

to m eet the i r l ove rs i n the streets an d p arks ?

A good m i stress wi ll sp eak a ki nd ly w o rd to he r
m aids as between wom an and wo m an w hen oc ca
, ,

si o n see ms to c all fo r it S he will b e sym pathetic

.

i n thei r tro u bles show an i nterest i n th ei r h ealth i n

, ,

th e i nvestm e nt of the i r savi ngs and respect thei r ,

reli gious views .

E ve ry se rvant i n the ho u sehold should b e given

ti m e to attend ch u rch o n S u nd ay .

Whe n th e ho u se i s l eft i n th e ch arge o f s e rvants ,

they are entitl ed to good wages R espon sib le care .

deserves paym ent as well as manu al labo r I f th e .

hou se i s close d and on e wishes to retai n thei r se r

vi ces a d efinite arrangement sho u ld b e m ade to
,

th at e ffect To prom is e to do w h at is right

.
“

by anoth er may lead to m isu nderstand i n g owin g ,

to d i fferent standpoi nts .

I f one servant wants s peci al hel p fro m anoth er ,

the requ est sho ul d be m ad e to the m istress who ,

479
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

gives th e o rde r to th e s ervant I t saves m u ch .

fricti o n to avo i d sendi ng o rde rs by o n e s e rvan t to

anothe r .

S e rvants sho u ld be well s upplie d wi th th e u te n

si ls to faci litate thei r wo rk It i s o fte n ill d o n e .
-

becau se o f the lack o f p rop e r i mp l e m ents L ik e .

ch ild ren they m ay c lam o r l o u d ly fo r th e red ress

,

o f so me trifl i n g gri evance b u t su bm it with p ati ent,

d u mbnes s to real h ard ships an d h and i cap s whi c h

s ee m t o go s o o fte n wi th u ndevelo ped i ntel lects .

I n we ll regu l ated h o u sehold s the re i s a s pec i al d ay

-

s et ap art fo r e ach sp eci al wo rk and eve rythi n g ,

d on e i n i ts o rde r .

”
Trai ned s e rvants i n thi s co u ntry are as rare
, ,

as they are d el ightfu l Thei r m anne r i s reti ce nt

.

W e ll an d respectf ul They neve r

. sp eak un

t r a in e d l ess they are sp oke n to w it h o u t the ,

s e rv a n t s p reli m i n ary I beg yo u r p ard o n

“
.
”

They stand u nti l i nvited to sp eak by bein g

,

asked what t h ey want E ve ry o rd e r i s a c

.

”
k nowl ed ged by a respectfu l Yes si r Yes , , ,

’ ” ”
m a am o r m ad am i f acc u sto m ed to a l ittl e
,
“
,

”
m ore cerem o ny . A ll right fro m a se rvant i s
“

i n su f fe rably ru de They ad d ress thei r e mp loy

.

e rs and thei r fri end s i n th e thi rd p e rso n an d ,

p reface th e n am e s o f th e you n ge r m emb ers of

” ”
the ho u seh ol d by M is s o r M aste r Thei r “
.

wo rk i s d o ne with tho ro u ghn ess bu t th e wo rke r ,

i s l ittle i n evid enc e Th ere are n o obt ru sive

.
,

b ru shes and b roo m s They tread l i ghtly close

.
,

d oo rs q u ietly the i r vo ices are h eard o n ly whe n

,

480
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IO N S

fe re nc e between go od b reed in g and the l ack -

of it .

D i m i nu tives o f the n ames of se rvants sh o u ld

neve r be u sed I n E ngland the head m aid s are
.

c al led by thei r s u rnames b u t they h ave the ad ,

”
vantage o f u s . Parke r
“
C arter, is not u n
“
,

pleasi ng to the ear b u t to avo i d a p ossi ble

,

’ ’ ”
O S h au n e s s y o r O F l ah e rty we keep o n the ,

s afe gro u nd o f th e si m ple r b aptis m al names and ,

anythi ng savori ng o f a ffectati o n is n ot good fo rm .

I t i s t h e p rop er co u rtesy to the s e rvants o f o u r

fri ends who are known to u s to sho w the m reco g
, ,

n it io n by a pleasant greeti n g an d to
T h e a, _ ,

t e n d an t s o f the n u rs e who shows a b aby one bows

fien d s
’
Out f
and sm i les befo re tu rni ng o ne s atten
tio n to he r charge .

The trai ned n u rse o f a si ck fri end sh oul d also

receive a cou rteo u s wo rd o r bow recognizi n g h e r
p resence thou gh she does n ot come u nde r the
,

head o f servant .

Th e n u rse i s the m ost i mpo rtant se rvant i n the

h ou se hold Pati ence eve n tempe r j u stice an d a
. , , ,

rea l l ove o f ch il d re n are necess ary q u ali

T h e n u rs e
fi c atio n s fo r the positi on to say n othin g ,

of h igh m oral ch aracte r and absol ute tru thfuln ess .

O rd erly o r d i so rd erly ways i n the n u rse ry o ften

l eave thei r i mpressi o n fo r l i fe O u r stand ards are .

u nco nsci ou sly establi shed ve ry early S h e has th e .

e nti re respo nsibi lity o f the chi ld ren and o f th e

m end i n g and care of thei r clothes N o n u rse .

s hou ld ever be au thori zed to p u nish a c hi ld Th at .

482
 S ERVANTS

sho uld be clearly u nd e rstood to be excl u si vely the

’
p are nts d u ty .

’
A l ady s m ai d s ho u l d h ave the e nti re c h arge of
the ward robe of her m i stress be a de ft need le ,

wo m an and a fai r, coi ffeu se o r at ,

least know how to care fo r the hai r I n .

travelli ng she p acks an d u npacks he r

mi stress s clothes and every d ay assists he r at he r
’
,

to i lets lays fo rth the garm ents she wishes to wear

, ,

d raws he r bath goes u p o n errands a nd keeps h e r

, ,

ro o m ti dy tho u gh sh e takes n o p art i n the hou se

,

wo rk .

If attached to th e se rvic e o f yo u ng wo me n she ,

i s expected to acco mp any the m to and fro m

d ance s d i n ners etc
, ,
.

’
It i s the co ok s responsi bi lity n o t o nly to pre ,

pare th e m eals b u t to keep th e kitchen pantries

, , ,

ice b ox etc perfectly clean to wash

-

Th e c o o l:
,
.
, ,

’
the d ishes u sed at th e servants tab le ,

an d th e p l atters and vegetable d i shes i n u se u p o n

that of the family S he answers th e basem ent b el l .
,

locks the d oo r at night and is requ i red to keep all ,

h e r cooki ng u tensils i n perfect ord er Thi s i f .

,

u nassisted by a kitche n m aid I f th e lady e nter .

the kitchen the c ook and all other servants sh oul d

,

rise at he r appearance and rem ai n stan d i n g —the ,

o ne addressed givi ng u nd ivid ed attenti on to what

she h as t o say ‘
.

The work o f a kitchen o r scu lle ry m aid is to

keep the kitch en clean as wel l as the closets i ce , ,

box and co okin g u tensils S he rises early m ake s

, .
,

483
ETIQUETTE FO R ALL O CCAS ION S

’
th e fire and gets th e servants b reakfast
, S he .

’
ofte n cooks all the s ervants m eals answe rs the ,

Th e b as em ent bell washes the d ishes p re

, ,

k i t ch e n p ares the vegetables fo r the c ook an d ,

m a id
a s he r ass i stant d oe s whateve r she i n
r easo n requ i res .

Th e wo rk o f the hou s e m aids i s to c are f o r a ll

the ro om s except th ose o n the d rawi ng roo m -

floo r N ot on ly sweeping and d u sti n g

.

Th e h o u s e
the m washi ng wi ndows and c leani n g
m a id s
,

grates b u t keep i ng the m i n co nstant

,

s u pervi si on that th ey m ay neve r appear u ntidy

,
.

They h ave ch arge o f the b ed li nen I n so m e -

.

hou seholds they d o so me m en d i ng an d i n yet ,

m o re m odest on es they assi st wit h the fi ne w ash

i ng Where a wai tress i s kept the hou se m ai d i s
. ,

h e r assi stant u po n occ asio n washing d ishes and ,

taki ng he r pl ace whe n it i s her p rivilege to go

o ut .

The butle r h as charge o f the whol e d rawi ng

r oo m flo o r u nless ass isted by a s econ d m an
,

o r p arlor m ai d i n which c as e h e
-

Th e b u t l e r
,

o r w ai t r e s s
su pe ri ntends the i r wo rk o f cl eani n g
win d ows sweep i ng d u stin g etc
, , He ,
.

i s respons ibl e fo r all and especi ally fo r the table

,

and i ts app oi ntme nts — that th e si lver be wel l

,

kept the tabl e p roperly and attracti vely set and

,

wel l s erved H e waits u po n the d oo r bel l all d ay

.
-
,

o r i f h e h as an assistant i n the afte rnoon o nly H e

, ,
.

b ri n gs th e afternoon tea tray to h is m istress and

-
,

to hi m i s O ften i ntrusted th e c are of the wi n es It .

484
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS ION S

app ea rs o n the box o f the carri age of hi s m i stress ,

h is service i s re q u i red o nly i n the afte rn oon and ,

the n generally fo r th e p u rpose o f card leavi n g o r -

whe n sh e pays vi sits H e i s the n not th e c oach

'

’ ’
m an s assi stant b u t the l ady s sp ec ial se rvant and
, ,

i s cal led a fo otm an his d uti es however are

, , ,

thos e o f a carri age gro o m wh en i n atten d an c e u po n

-

a c arri age .

A valet i s h is m aste r s b ody servant H is p ri n

’
-
.

’
c ip al d u ti es are the c are o f h is em pl oyer s ward

robe and to ilet ; he d raws h is bath l ays

T h e v al e t
,

o u t h is cloth es an d waits u po n hi m ,

u nti l he leaves the h o u se S o me m e n re qu i re the i r

.

valets to sh ave the m The valet i s o cc u pied

.

d u ri ng th e d ay i n d o i ng e rrands p ayi ng bi lls , ,

’
p ressi ng an d c ari ng fo r h is m aster s c lothes o r ,

wh atever i s req u i red o f h i m I n travelli n g h e .

,

p acks and u npacks th e tru nks and s atchels checks ,

the l u ggage b uys th e ti ckets an d carri es th e sm all

, ,

”
“
i m pedi m enta . I n E u rope he travels s econd
class an d i n this co u ntry i s neve r given a pl ace i n
,

a d rawi n g roo m c ar
-
S o m eti m es a cap able and
.

obl igi ng val et perfo rms the d uties o f a b utler ,

’
especi ally i n a bachelo r s establ ish me nt .

”
A p age o r ,
b utto n s waits u po n th e d oo r
“
, ,

ru ns e rrands so meti m es app ears o n

,
T h e p age
t h e box of a carri age bu t neve r serves ,

at table .

The p ositi o n of c oachm an i s a respo nsible o ne .

The h ealth an d co nd itio n of the ho rs es thei r ,

groom ing and shoei ng the c are and appearance

,

486
 S ERVANTS

o f the carri ages h a rness an d s add les th e state

, , ,

o f the stabl es are am on g his perso nal d uties o r

, ,

the ro u gh wo rk is d one by the groo ms

Th e
and stable me n who are u nd e r h is o r c o ach m an
-

d ers H e d ri ves h is e mp loye rs when

.

eve r an d whe reve r i t i s thei r pleasu re to go an d ,

sh o u l d fami li ariz e hi msel f with t h e ro utes i n the

c o u ntry an d the streets shops and favo rite reso rts
, ,

i n town o f the fami ly with who m h e has taken

se rvi c e .

Wh ile o n the bo x h i s attenti o n sho u ld be wh olly

,

give n to h is ho rs es H e sit s e re ct hi s shou ld ers

.
,

wel l back hi s feet to gethe r S ho ul d hi s emp loyers

, .

o r thei r fri en ds give hi m a wo rd o r s m i l e o f greet

i n g h e respo nd s o nly by to u chi ng h is h at wh ich
, ,

he repeats i n recogn itio n of an o rde r u nless ,

transm itted thro u gh anoth er servant Th e co ach .

’
m an s d ress an d appearance wi l l be c o nsi dered i n
the next ch apter Where n o gro o m i s kep t a
.
,

coach ma n m ust i n add itio n to his other d uti es

b e a sp eci e s of o u tsid e gene ral servant calli n g ,

fo r o rders eve ry m o rnin g a n d d oin g su ch e rrands

,

as m ay b e req u i re d that will not co nfl ict with th e

perfo rm ance o f h i s stable servi ce .

’
A carriage gro o m i s th e c oach man s fi rs t assist
ant ih t h e stables an d takes hi s o rders fro m hi m .

I n th e co u ntry h e o ften d rives the

sm alle r traps o r sits behi nd h is m as
ter o r m i stress shou ld o ne o f them hold
t h e rein s H e also ri des b eh i nd th e l adies i n the
.

parks or o n cou ntry ro ads an d sho u ld therefore be

,

487
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

an experi e nced ho rse man I n a c ro wd ed street h is.

pl ac e sho u ld be clo se behi n d his m i stress whi l e i n ,

the p ark o r the co u ntry h e falls fart h er b ack b ut ,

n eve r beyo nd easy c al l H e shou l d lo ok straight

.

b efore h i m neve r app eari n g to notice wh at goes

,

o n aro u nd hi m .

Whe n i n atte nd an ce o n a carri age as it stan ds ,

b efo re the d oor h e stand s beside i t H e to u ches

, .

h is h at at th e appearance o f his mi stress open s the ,

carriage d oo r fo r h e r places the robe ove r he r l ap

, ,

to u ches his h at i n recogniti o n of he r o rde r and ,

agai n as h e tu rns away afte r closi n g th e ca rri age

d o o r an d repeats he r o rd e r to the co achm an
, .

Whe n the c arri age stops befo re a p rivate ho u se ,

h e sp ri ngs l i ghtly and p ro mp tly to the gro u nd ,

ru ns u p th e steps rings the bell a nd ret u rni ng to

, ,

the c arriage ope ns th e doo r tou ches hi s h at and

, , ,

awaits o rd ers When the carri age stop s befo re a

.

shop ch u rch o r at a hou s e where a receptio n i s i n

, ,

p ro gre ss h e d oes n ot m ou nt agai n to the box

,

afte r O pen i ng the d oo r fo r hi s m i str ess b u t waits ,

h e r ret u rn o n the si d ewalk ready to si gn al fo r the,

advance of the carri age wh e n she appears .

When i n attendance o n a trap d rive n by h is

'
m aster o r m istress the groo m stand s at the ho rses
,

heads u nti l th e d rive r i s seated an d ready when he ,

m o u nts be h i nd hold i n g h i m self u p ri ght with fol ded

,

arms Th e u nder gro o m s d o th e wo rk o f the sta

.

b le b u t d o n ot d rive
,
.

A bach elo r establishm ent is s om eti mes wel l ‘

served by a capable wo ma n o r m an who i s general ,

4 88
 C /z ap t e r T/z z r zty ff té — S ERVAN TS
' '

’
-
z

DRESS

H E R E are c ertain fixed ru les which

goo d taste recogniz es an d i mpo ses
’
i n th e m atte r o f servants atti re .

H o u se m aid s wear p ri nt gowns i n

the m o rni ng and i n so me ho u se
,

holds eve n in th e aftern oo n black gowns are

, ,

no t always i nsisted u po n With the p ri nt gown i s

.

wo rn a p lai n white ap ro n witho ut bi b o r bretel les

, ,

Ho u s e l on g enou gh to extend to the hem o f

m ai d s the go w n Th e stri n gs a re tie d at the
’
.

dre s s back i n a fu ll bow with e nds The .

m odel o f th e gown i s very pl ai n wi th s i m pl e ,

white l i ne n coll ar . Th e cap i s a th ree co rnered -

bi t o f S wiss m u sli n tu cked e mb ro id ered o r plai n

, , , ,

wi th a ru ch i ng aro u n d i t The hai r i s plainly

.

arran ged witho ut cu rl o r b ang .

Th e waitress an d parlo r m ai d also wear p ri nt -

gowns u nti l no o n b u t they are exch anged fo r

,

W a i t re s s bl ack o nes befo re servi ng the l u nche on .

a n d P a r l o r The cap i s a sm art l ittle a f fa i r with black

m a id
velvet bow Th e amp l e ap ro n with or
.
,

withou t b ib an d b retelles a deep tu rn ed over ,

-

l i ne n col lar an d c uffs to m atch give an ai r of ,

’
extre m e n eatness This costu m e i s the wo m an s
.

”
e qu ivale nt fo r a d ress su it -
O fco u rs e n o s tock
.

4 90
 S ERVANTS '
DRE S S

o r ri bb on i s all owable The ap ro n s c aps col lars

.
, , ,

and c u ffs a re p rovi d ed by the e mployer I n so m e .

c ase s th e black go w n is also fu rnis h ed .

S h i rt waists an d d ark ski rts are not p e rm i s si bl e .

I n the street m ai ds are expected to d ress qu i e tly .

T hose bel o ngi ng to th e best houses wea r s m all

bo n nets and d ark gowns Jewel ry an d any ex .

agge rati on of fa s hio n m ark a servant as secon d

”
c lass.

Th e fash io n o f recent years i s to d ress the

’
i nfant s n u rse acco rdi n g to th e F renc h no u n o u -

c ostu me A w id e ci rc u lar clo ak o f

.

gray o r b lack cloth is wo rn i n th e stree t ,

and th e l arge ca p wh ich cove rs th e h ead

h as a rou n d i t a fu ll r u chi ng o f wi de ribbo n with
l ong e nd s I n th e hou se the n u rse wears the
.

s am e sty l e o f cap b u t witho u t th e ribbo ns a p ri nt ,

gown and a l arge ap ron with b retelles When

, .

fash i on howeve r co mes i nto c onfl i ct with sterl i ng

, ,

qu al iti es fashi o n goes to th e wall b u t perso n al

,
.
,

n eatness sho u l d b e i ns i sted u po n M any p erson s .

n o w have trai ned nu rses fro m the hosp ital s fo r

’
l ittl e babi es They ask bu t th e u su al n u rse s
.

wages fo r th e fi rst two years a fte r l eavin g the

trai ni ng school and we ar the costu m e o f thei r
-
,

o rde r .

’ ’
C h ild re n s nu rses an d l ad i es m aid s wea r black
gowns with s m all wh ite ap rons ; they d o n ot wear
c aps.

’
The cook s appearance sho u l d be consp i cu o u s
fo r it s n eatness Whethe r sh e goes u pstai rs to
.

49 I
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

he r m i stress fo r he r d ai ly o rd ers o r rec ei ves that

’
l ady s vi sit i n the kitchen sh e sho u ld ,

wear a cle an pri nt gown and am ple

apro n with h ai r ti ghtly an d n eatly ar
,

ran ged .

A b utler sho u ld b e clean shaven ; a m o ustache i s -

not tolerate d and h is h ands and n ai l s sho ul d

,

Bu t l
’
e r s
be well ke pt an d i m m acu l ately clean .

d re s s an d G loves are n o longe r wo rn The sh avi n g .

a pp e ar an c e
i nsu res c arefu l bathi ng an d c le ansi n g ,

and gives a pleasant i m p ress io n o f go o d gro om i n g

a nd perso n al atte nti on A bit o f sh o rt s id e
.

whi ske r cl osely c u t i s permi ss ible fo r a butler

, , ,

partic u larly fo r an eld erly m an .

I n the m o rn i n g u ntil afte r l u nch eon a black

, ,

s u it with j acket i s pe rm issi ble fo r the b utle r b ut ,

n ot s o c o rrect as th e Tu xed o coat and low waist

c o at with b l ack ti e shoes li g h t e nou g h to in su re
, ,

a noi seless step n o ri ngs n o watch chai n visibl e

, ,
-
,

and with stu ds and sl ee ve b u tton s o f plai n m other

-

o f pearl
-
.

When th ere a re gu ests at l u nch eon a butler ,

sho u ld b e d ressed i n th e same m anne r as when

O peni ng the d oo r fo r afterno o n c alls o r se rvi ng
at d inner — a swallow tai l coat bl ack waistcoat
,
-
,

!never a wh ite one ) and ,

wh ite ti e The b u tler i s .

not expected to open th e d oo r by th e way i n cas e , ,

a seco nd m an i s kep t .

Th e b u tle r u su all y waits al o ne o n the tabl e at

b reakfast and lu n cheon Th e s eco nd m an wea rs
.

at l u n cheo n whe n the re are gu ests at d i n ner , ,

49 2
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S IONS

Th e valet wears n o l ive ry u nless whe n filli n g

the rOl e o f b u tle r whe n he wo u l d d ress as d oes
,

th at fu n ctio nary O rd in ari ly h e wears

.

Vale t s
’

dre s s a sacqu e su it o f d ark tweeds with a ,

D erby h at i n th e street ad d in g d ark ,

gloves when travelli ng .

L ivery thou gh d ati n g fro m the d ays wh en the

,

L i v e r y fo r
fam ily retai ne rs were d ressed fo r b attle ,

c o ac h m an tou rney an d c rus ade i n th e d isti ncti ve

,

an d dress o f thei r feu dal lo rds h as i ts plac e ,

c a rr i a g e
i n o u r m od ern l i fe an d good fo rm p re
,
gr o o m
s cr i bes h ard an d fast ru les fo r i ts u se .

’
The c oach m an s b od y coat s ingle b reasted and
-
,
-

b u tto ned hi gh varies i n len gth acco rd i ng to

,

w he the r it b e wo rn with breeches o r tro u sers If .

with b reeches i ts length i s d eterm in ed b y th e

,

’
reach o f th e m an s arm hangin g at h i s si de h i s ,

th i rd fi nge r e xtend ed m arks its ed ge I f wo rn .

with tro users i t sh ou l d reach to abo u t th ree i nches

,

’
above the k nee Th e gro o m s coat i s two i nch es
shorter th an that o f the co ach man i n ei ther c ase ,
.

’
The coach m an s co at h as si d e fl ap po c kets to d is
t in gu is h i t fro m th at of the gro om hi s servant and , ,
’
b u t fou r b u tto ns o n the tail s i nstead of the groo m s
si x,
two at the wai st and two at th e en d of the
co at tai l ; th e i nte rmedi ate p ai r are o m itted as the
-
,

c o ac h m an d oes n ot leave hi s seat and u seless for , ,

o rnam ent they wo u ld b u t wear th e seat cove ri n g

,
.

The col o r o f the l ive ry m u st m atch the carri age

l i n i n gs an d th e butto ns sho u ld b e o f the sam e
,

m etal as are the tri m m i ngs of the harness e xc ept ,

49 4
 S ERVANTS ’
DRE S S

i n case o f m o u rni n g l ivery whe n the b u tto ns are ,

o f b l ack cloth The co ats m ay h ave velvet c ol lars

.

of b lack o r a d ark col o r m atchi n g o r co ntrasti ng

wel l wi th the cloth .

Th e H an dbook o f H erald ry co n d e m ns c rest

“

o r m onogram o n the b utton s They sho u l d be .

’
eithe r plai n o r c h arged with the m aste r s b adge
, .

S ho u lde r knots an d co ckades o n the h ats are

-

allowab l e o nly fo r se rvants of army o r n aval

o ffice rs and m embe rs o f th e d iplo m ati c co rps .

Tro u se rs m atch i n g the c o at are always i n go od

taste p refe rabl e at n i ght o r i n sto rmy weat h er b u t
, ,
”
n ot s o sm art as to p boo ts an d b reech es The
“ -
.

latte r are m ade of s t o c k in ge tte o r b u ckski n tech ,

n ic al l y c alled l eathers The bo ots are o f h eavy

“
.

cal fski n w ith b road soles the tops u su ally col

, ,

o red a ri ch tan o r m ahogany — som eti m es of

p i nk o r wh ite ooze ski n w h en the s ervants are i n ,

’
attend ance u po n a l ady s carri age .

Th e waistco at o rdi nari ly m ad e o f strip ed v a

,

l e u ci a i s often s i m u l ated by h avi ng a s ep arate stri p

,

of the goods sewed i ns i de the coll a r of the body

c oat and a heavy frieze wool lin ed wai stcoat is
,
-

wo rn i n wi nte r S o me pe rson s p refe r that great

.

co ats b e wo rn only when n ecessary b ody co ats ,

-

b ei n g th ou gh t m u ch s m arter — bu t t h ese c o n s id ,

e r at io n s are not o nly tri vi al bu t cu lpabl e w h e re the

health an d co m fo rt o f th e me n are con ce rned .

The washabl e white pl ai n l inen plastro n i s wo rn

, ,

with a collar th at stan ds an i nch and a qu arte r

above the l ive ry co at A horsey . s carf pi n “ -
,

49 5
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

so m e p e rson s th i nk le nds a certai n fin ish bu t, ,

co ach m an and gro o m m u st b e d ressed exactly

al ike A s i lk h at a n d l oos e tan o r whi te b u ckski n
.

gloves co m pl ete t h e co stu m e .

The greatco at fo r c oachm en i s d ou ble b reasted -

,

an d shou l d reach to th ree i n ches above the ankle ,

except whe n weari n g breeches when i t sho u l d be ,

so m ewhat s h o rte r Th at o f t h e groo m sho u ld n ot

.

exceed i n length a p o i nt beyo n d five i nch es

below th e knee to facil itate ease and q u i ckness of
,

m ove men t i n j u m p i n g o n and o ffthe b ox C o ach .

m an an d gro o m sh ou l d b e clea n sh aven and

fres h ly shave n A coach man m ay wear short
.

”
tabs .

’
A pad groo m s body co at shou ld b e lon ge r i n
- -

the body an d the ski rts twelve i nches above th e

,

to p bu tto n o f th e b reeches A b rown l eathe r b elt

-
.

two and a h al f i nches wi de fi nish ed wi th a sq u are ,

b ar bu ckl e m atch i ng th e l ive ry b u ttons i s wo rn ,

a ro u n d th e waist The overco ats o r d u m my box

.

co ats fo lded an d h an gi n g c olla r d own fro m the

,

back o f th e seat th e m e n sitti n g o n th e ski rts are

, ,

n ot i n favo r b u t are ve ry occasi onally u sed with a

,
’
lady s o pen c arri age .

M acki ntoshes sho u l d b e o f cl oth textu re si ngl e ,

b reasted with sid e fl ap p ockets wit h h at c ove r to

, ,
-

m atc h . Knit gloves are best fo r sto rmy weathe r .

A large u mb rell a s h o u ld always b e c arri ed with a

b ro u gham u nde r n eat h th e ski rt o f the seat ready
, ,

for i nstant u s e Th e ap ron s an d rob es s ho ul d b e

.

l i ned wi th p lai n c olo red cloths Th e si lve r m edal .

496
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

The p ro p e r l ive ry fo r m ou rn i ng i s a bl ack cl oth

co at with bu ttons o f th e s am e wh i te b reech es and
,

bo ots thei r top s cove re d wi th plain b l ac k

,

cl oth o r tro u se rs m atchin g the c o at a

, ,

h igh band u p o n the hat wh ite pla s tron , ,

an d black gl oves .

F o r so m e reaso n th e c o nventi on s i mp ose a

sp eci al l ivery to b e wo rn with horseless carri ages .

It consi sts o f a si ngle b reasted s qu are -

A u to m o
b i l e l i v e ry cornered s ac qu e coat of bl u e b rown , ,

green clo th o r w hi pcord the ed ges

, , ,

p i p ed with fl ap pockets stand i ng o r bo x collar

, , ,

tro users to m atch c oat pip ed a cap o f s am e

, ,

go ods with d ro op i ng viso r and heavy glove s

, .

The kn owledge o f what i s t h e co rrect th i ng

i s n o less valu abl e as a stand ard of e legance than
as a restrai nt agai n s t over s u m ptu ou sn ess and
-

vu l garity .

N o t m any m i le s fro m N ew Yo rk i s a qu iet h am ~

let su rro u nd ed by fi ne c o u ntry seats O n e fam i ly

,
-
.

whose wealth i s of rece nt ac qu isiti o n d ri ves each

m o rn i n g to th e vi llage p ost o ffi c e whe re the -
,

groo m i n qu i res fo r letters and p rese nts them at

,

th e carri age d o o r wi th m u ch fl o u ri sh u po n a
m assive si lve r salver ! V au lti n g ambitio n s o m e
’
ti m es o e rl e ap s itsel f .
C fi ap t e r T/z i r ty s z x t Z— H I/ N TS
'

-
ON

FOREIG N ETI Q U ETT E

E N GLA N D

I N C E the A tl antic O cean h as b e

co m e a ferry the i nte rco u rse has
,

b ecom e so nei ghbo rly betwee n the

peopl es o f eithe r sh ore fam i ly c o n ,

n e c t io n and soci al i nte rch ange so

co m m o n th at it n o lon ge r s u ffices to b e fam il
,

i ar with the m an ners an d co nventio ns o f o u r own

l and b u t we m u st b eco m e cosm opoli tan
, c iti ,
-

ze n s of th e worl d .

A d ictio nary d efi ni tio n o f a cos mopol i te i s o ne

at h o m e eve rywhere i m plyi n g a n easy an d u h
,

consci o u s co nfo rm ity to th e u sages o f th e so ci ety

’
i n whi ch o n e fi nd s o n e s sel f .

I n ti mes p ast o u r i gno rance w as wi n ked at b ut ,

now when at R om e o u r beh avi o r i s expected to

, ,

be of the strictest R o m an type and i n not h in g are ,

peopl e mo re i ntole rant th an i n m atte rs o f so ci al

be h avi o r
.

Th e fine i nsti nct o f m odest i ndepende nce that

bars at o nce th e arrogant and th e servile fro m a
’
m an s i nte rco u rse with his fellows that i m po ses ,

retic ence o f m anner an d lowe red tones o f vo i ce

’
i n publi c p laces the absenc e of th e I m as go od
,
- -

yo u are s pi ri t and th e si l enc e o f th at b raz en ih

-
,

499
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS
’
s tru m en t known as on e s own tru m pet wi l l co m
’
m en d the travelle r everywhere to peop le s good
grac es .

It i s o nly thos e too ; wh o are n ot qu ite s u re of

,
.

thei r s oc i al standi n g at ho me who are afrai d to

c o mp ro mi se thei r d ign ity by being civi l to eve ry
o n e i n travelli n g .

E ve ry co u ntry h as i t s own eti qu ette an d to ,

kn ow wh at is exp ected o f o ne u n de r gi ven ci r

c u m s t an c es places o ne at an i mm ense advantage .

I n E nglan d as elsewhe re c usto ms d i ffe r essen

.

, ,

t ial l y of co u rse accord i n g to class and style of l iv

,

i n g s o that general state m ents are i mposs ibl e b u t

, ,

there are m any little m atters w h i ch are not with

o u t i m po rtanc e to visito rs to the littl e M othe r “

’
Isl ef
E nglish h ospitality is p rove rbi al b u t i t i s a ,

hospi tality that the stranger m u st get u sed to a s

best h e can befo re feelin g qu ite at
,

ease The E ngl ish man clai ms fo r h i m

.

self a ce rtai n s u pe ri o rity as rep resenti n g

a n ati on p ossessed of i nfalli bl e stand ards so th at ,

wi th h i s c o m p atri ots yo u feel like an o u tsi d er

u nti l you r m eas u re h as b ee n taken They d o n ot .

”
m ean to be sti ff and fo rm al but they are gau che,
“

an d i t takes the m an app reciabl e ti m e to thaw .

Th e i ce o nce b roken h owever all th e delightfu l

, ,

th i n gs that on e h as heard o f these cou si ns — fi ve

th ou sand mi les rem oved are fo u nd to be tru e ,

’
afte r o ne h as passed o ne s e xam i nation and been
acce pted .

go o
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IO NS

sli d in g s h elve s u nde rneath fo r the b read c akes , ,

h ot to ast m u ffi ns o r sco nes O r these are se rved

, , .
,

o n l ittle ci rc u lar li ght wo od stand s o f th re e o r

fo u r s helves j ust l arge e no u gh fo r a plate whic h
, ,

are passe d a ro u nd th at e ac h m ay take wh at h e

,

likes .

A c qu ai ntance o n ce establ is h ed afte r the p re

l im in arie s o f an exch an ge o f c alls a d i nn e r i s the ,

c o u rtesy that goo d b reed i ng i mp oses u p o n the

resi d ents .

When o ne has accepted a n i nvitati o n fo r a

l u nch eo n fo r the fi rst ti m e the qu estio n ari ses ,

’
i n a wo m an s m i n d whether o r n ot she
wi ll b e expected to take o ff he r hat I n .

F ranc e i t wo u ld be d iscou rteo u s no t to

d o so I n E ngl an d o ne i s not expected to l ay
.

asi d e anyth i n g O n e d resses fo r l u n cheo n as fo r

.

an afte rnoo n tea The e ntertai nm ent i s not co n

.

fi ned to wo m en as with u s ,
.

A t d in n ers wed d i ng b re akfasts etc th e ru les o f

, , .
,

p recedence amo ng titled p erso ns are stri ctly o b

se rved and gu ests are s ent i n i n the
,

o rde r o f thei r rank and soc i al statu s .

Wi th th is l ast m o ney h as n othi n g to ,

d o O ccas ion ally an A meri can wo m an i s give n

.

p recede nce by co u rtesy b ecau se she has no d e fi

n ite ran k Whe n A m erican s are th e ente rtai ners
.
,

the m atte r o f p recedence o ften p roves emb arrass

i ng . G u ests are i nd ulgent to o u r m istakes b u t ,

every pai ns sho u l d be taken to obviate the n e c e s

s ity o f ap ology .

5 02
 HINTS O N F O REIGN ETIQUETTE

With the exceptio n o f the observance of p rec e

d ence E ngl ish d i nner c u s to m s are l i ke o u r own
, .

Peop le go i nto the d ini ng ro om arm i n -

Din n e r
arm the l ady o f the ho u se al lotti n g e t i q u e t t e
,

partn ers The h ost le ads wi th the

.

m ost d i stin gu ished lady and the hostess foll ows l ast
,

wi th the m an o f highest rank o r O ld est title Th e .

se rvants stand i n a l i ne j u st o u tsi d e th e d i ni ng

ro o m d oo r as th e peopl e p ass i n co mi ng i n afte r ,

the m L ad i es rise fi rst fro m tabl e as with u s

.
, ,

l eavi ng the m e n to the i r c i gars They u s u ally .

adj o u rn to a s mokin g ro om an d j oi n the lad ies i n

-
,

the d ra w i ng room a li ttle l ater I t i s b ad fo rm to

-
.

’
be late fo r d i n ner ; th e u su al ho u r i s ei ght o clock .

I n L o nd o n every o n e d i nes i n evening d ress fo r ,

to the pl ay o r opera l ate r on o nly those s o c lad are ,

adm itted to the greate r po rtio n of the

D re s s
ho u se E ve n at th e p u bl i c restau ran ts
.
,

afte r the play l ad ies d o not hesi tate to app ear i n

,

full d ress .

It i s always regard ed as i n be tte r taste to be to o

plai n than to o fi ne i n d ress and c o nspi c u ou s to i ,

lets o n the street and d ia m on ds by d ayl i ght are

tho u ght the hei ght of v u l garity M e n with any .

p rete nsi on to gentility i nvari ably wear evenin g

’
cloth e s afte r s i x o clock and d o not appear o n any
,

fashi o nable t h o ro u gh fa re i n the afterno o n exc ep t

i n reg u l atio n d ress fro ck c oat and top hat
,
- -
.

’
Balls begi n at eleve n o c lock o r late r ; bu t as
peo p l e wh o attend m any d ances are s up p o s ed to
choose the best fo r the last a l ate arrival i s re ,

5 03
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

gard ed as a co m pli m en t There are n o d ress

.

i ng roo m p rel i m i n ari es fu rther than th e re m oval

-
,

o f the w raps i n the cloak ro o m Yo u r -

.

B all ro o m
-

e t i qu e tte
nam e i s asked by a fo otm an at th e bot
to m o f th e stai rc as e and i s p assed fro m
,

m an to m an u nti l so m e resem blan c e to i t i s

,

an no u nced at the d rawi n g ro om d o o r whe re yo u r

-
,

hostess stands to greet yo u The host i s often .

as hard to fin d as the p roverbial needle i n the

h ay .

R evers i ng i n the vals e as it i s there c all ed i s

, ,

no t co nsi d e red go od fo rm —p erhaps o n th e pri nc i

,

p le o f s o u r grap es
“
b u t th e roo m s are u s u ally
s o c rowded !d an c es are p op u larly k nown as
cru shes ) that i t i s d iffi c u lt to d o m ore than
”

whi rl aro u nd a nd a rou nd i n o n e s m al l spot

A fte r th e d ance i s over a m an m u st arm his
,

partne r b ack to he r ch ape ro n al m ost at o nce .

I t i s n ot strictly good fo rm to ask a yo u ng

wo m an to d ance m o re than t w i c e o r fo r he r to ,

accep t and s ittin g o u t d ances i n the h alls and

,

p assag es i s con si de red i n very b ad taste F ro m .

op e n w i n d ows and d oo rs the wa rm fresh ai r is ,

ad mitted and sweet s mell ing sp ri ng fl owe rs are

,
-

u sed p ro fu sely fo r d eco rati on s .

M any l i veri ed se rvants stand abo u t eage r to ,

re nd er any servi ce that m ay be requ i red .

Peopl e l eave th e ro o m si ngly th e wo men walk ,

i ng alo ne the me n followi ng

,
.

A m an ofte n accomp an ies a lady to the d o o r

o fthe c loak roo m and s ees her to her c arriage
-
.

5 04
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O NS

e arly i n th e mo rn i ng h e i s i n s u ch d e m and
, ,

tho ugh t h e fu nctio n begi ns at three P M . .

The co i ffu re i s also reg u lated by ru le Three .

whi te ostri c h feathers a re s o place d t h at they stan d

u p e rect o n t h e head M rs L angtry wh o at her
. .
,

p resentatio n arranged he r feathers to s ui t he r face

i nstead o f i n the co nventi o nal m an ne r had to go ,

back a nd rearrange th e m .

A lo n g t u lle vei l d ep end s fro m th e c oi ffu re at

the back and a b o u qu et o f whi te fl owe rs c o m
,

p letes the cost u me Yo u ng gi r ls neve r we ar d i a

.

m o n ds M arried wo men afte r h avi n g been o nc e

.
,

p resented m ay be gown ed i n any c olo r an d rich

,

m ate ri al th at they please th e b ou qu et m atch i n g

,

i n ti nt.

M e n wear the regul ati o n co u rt d ress u nl es s ,

’
entitled to wear som e o ffi cer s u n ifo rm .

”
It co nsists o f a swal l ow tai l co at o f cl aret -

c olored cloth o r velvet so d ark as to app ear al m ost

,

b lack by gasl i ght with stand in g c ollar lace ru f

, fl es , ,

an d steel b u ttons Wi th these a wh ite o r velve t

.

wai stco at velve t knee b reeches o r cloth tro u se rs

, ,

wi th gold l ac e stri pe A sm al l swo rd w ith ch ai n

-
.

gu ard an d white scabbard is wo rn and a black ,

cocke d h at i s c a rri ed u n de r th e arm .

Th es e costu m es a re o ften h i red fo r th e o ccasi o n

by stran ge rs h avi ng n o fu rther need fo r the m b u t ,

they are rarely satisfactory i n fit a nd costly to

b uy.

A m e ri c ans i n te nd i n g to seek p resentatio n h ave

b een kno w n to j oi n the m i liti a of thei r S tate o r ,

5 06
 HINTS O N F O REIGN ETIQUETTE

get a temp o rary app o intm ent as extra ai de d e -

’
c am p o n a governo r s sta ff so as to acqu i re the ,
’
ri ght to wear a n o ffi cer s u ni fo rm L evees n ot .
,

D rawi ng roo ms are the p laces whe re m en a re

-
,

u s u al ly p resented .

Th e d ri ve to B u ckin gha m Palace where the ,

D rawi n g roo m s are held i s very tedi o u s

-

G O in g t o a
, .

Th e lon g l i ne of carr i ages m oves very D raw i n

g
slowly and fro m o n e to th ree hou rs i s ro o m
,

o cc u pie d e n ro u te S o m e p ersons m ake a stop

.

’
at the ph otographe r s .

Th e great bo u qu ets O h th e breasts o f the m e n

o n th e b o x tel l the p ub l ic the d esti natio n of the
o ccu pants o f the ca rri age and the p eople o n the ,

street stare frankly i n at them and freely m ake

re marks .

B u cki n gh am Pal ace ad mits of s ix c a rri ages at

’
a ti m e bei n g d rawn u p b efo re i t O n e s wraps .

are l eft i n the ca rri age i n p refe ren ce to the cloak

ro om .

Those w h o h ave the entrée wives of o ffic i al s ,

ambassado rs an d great folk — a re saved t h e lo n g

waiti ng ente r at a p rivate d oo r and are p resented
, ,

fi rst U p the bro ad stai rc as e yo u go at th e h ead

.
,

o f whic h m e n stand to take o ne o f the card s

o u are requ i red to b rin g u po n whi c h yo u r n am e
y ,

i s engraved o r legibly writte n The re a re ve ry few .

’
m en A D rawin g ro o m i s ess enti al ly a wo m an s
.
-

fu ncti on b u t a b ridegroo m always acco mpan i es h is

,

brid e fo r after her m arri age a wom an m u st b e

,

re p rese nted .

5 07
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S ION S

Th e c rowd advances fro m ro o m to roo m u nti l

th e Presence C h ambe r i s reached The l ad ies .

Th e
u ntil th en have c arri e d th ei r trai ns o ve r
e t i q u e t t e at th ei r ar ms b u t at the d o o r o f th e roo m
,

a D r a W in g i
n whi ch R oyalty 1 8 to b e sal u ted they
-
,

ro o m
are take n fro m them by pages o r co u rt
Of fi c ial s an d sp read o u t with great ski ll .

A t th e th reshol d the d eb u tan te hands to the

L o rd C hambe rlai n o r h i s rep res e ntative a c ard
beari n g he r own n am e and that o f th e lady p re
senti ng he r wh i ch a re l o u d l y anno u nced The
, .

s up re m e m o men t has arrived ! E ach l ady ad

1
vance s i n tu rn a nd wh en j ust befo re he r M aj esty ,

sh e co u rtesies very l ow s o low as almost to kneel ,

before th e Q u ee n O n e r ecall s th e an c ie nt id e n ti
.

fi c at io n o f d eity a nd m o n arch b ut o ne m ay well bow ,

i n sp i ri t be fo re the nobl e wo m an who has set h e r

su bj ects an d the wo rld th e exampl e o f tru e wi fe
h oo d m otherho od and wi dowho od wh ile filli n g
, , ,

the o ffi ce o f qu ee n acc eptably to co u ntless m ill i ons .

A t the p rese nt writin g i t looks as tho u gh t h e

heavenly crown wo u ld soon repl ace the earthly o n e .

’
I f th e lady p rese nte d be a pee ress o r a pee r s
d au ghte r th e Q u ee n kisses h e r on the fo rehead ;
,

to oth ers sh e exte nd s he r han d They place thei r .

own be neath it pal m d ownward and kiss what was

, ,

1 Be tw ee n t h e w r t i i n g a d t h e p bl i cat io n o f t h i s p aragrap h
n u ,

E dw a d r VI I . h as as ce d e d
n th e E gl i h th o n e
n s S i ce n r . n o

p res i
e n t at o n s at Co u r t h av y t b e en m a de t o th e e w s v e e i g
e e n o r n,

no l
ru e s h ave be en fo rm ul at d fo r a y ch ange in c e rem o n i al
e n

et i que t t e .

5 08
ETIQUETTE F O R A L L O CCA S I O NS

i n fo rmal ity o f i ts i ncepti o n L evees are atten d ed .

by m en o nly Th e p resentati o n i s a s i m pl e o ne
. .

The n am e i s read alo u d an d the p e rso n p resen ted

,

walks slowly p ast the p lace whe re th e Pri nce

”
stands i n fu ll u ni fo rm gl itteri ng with o rde rs
, ,

and su rro u nded by hi s co u rt H e m erely b ows .

to the Pri nce wh o retu rn s the bow an d s o walks

, ,

o n an d o u t
The C o u rt b alls are given at Bu ckin gh am Pal ace .

Th ere i s n o d a n ci n g u nti l afte r the a rrival of

the R oyalties afte r whi ch th e Pri nc e
,
C o u r t b al l s
d ances with wh o m h e pl eases s endi n g ,

an e que rry to i nfo rm the l ady o f h is wi sh S he .

accepts of c o u rse A l l o ther engage m ents give

.

way Th e p ro c ession to s u pper i s a fo rm al o n e

. .

The Pri nce an d Pri n cess lead the way Whe n the .

Q u een was p resent she walke d ahead qu i te alo ne

, , .

A t th e C o u rt b alls o r at any bal l whe re th e

,

R oyalti es are th e h osts o r len d thei r p resen c e ,

m en wear the Wi nd so r u ni form a so rt o f c o m

“
,

p rom i se between co u rt d res s an d the u su al even i n g

clot h es It i s of very dark blu e cloth with collar
. , ,

lapels an d c u ffs o f scarlet cl oth with p lai n b rass

, ,

b u ttons ; bu t m any i f n ot m ost m en h ave th e

, ,

red col lar cuffs a nd l apels ad d ed to thei r o rdi nary

, ,

eveni n g co ats .

Vis it in g at I n vitati ons to cou ntry h o u ses sp ec i fy

a c o u n t ry a d efinite ti me generally fro m th ree ,

h °u s °
d ays to a week .

U pon arrival yo u are welco m ed by the ho stess ,

and then shown to yo u r roo m by a m ai d who i f , ,

5 10
 HINT S O N FO REIGN ETIQUETTE

yo u a re a wom an and h ave n ot b ro u ght yo u r

o w n m ai d wi ll u np ack yo u r box and d o any
,

littl e services re q u i red .

To kn ow the u s u al ro uti ne p laces o ne m o re at

e as e A t ei ght o r e i gh t thi rty A M o ne is c alled
.
-
. .

by a servant who place s a c u p of tea and s lic e o f

,

thi n b read an d b u tte r at yo u r bedsi de d raws the ,

wi ndow c u rtai ns p rep ares yo u r bath n oti fying yo u

-
, ,

whe n i t i s ready A d ai ly tubbi ng i s the u n iversal

.

’
cu sto m Th e valet takes away a m an s eve ni ng
.

cloth es to be b ru she d The gon g ri ngs fo r p ray .

e rs hal f an ho u r later V isi tors atte nd o r n ot as .

,

they please .

F ro m ni n e to ten —b reakfast — pu nctu ality is

n ot expected N o one wai ts fo r yo u Y o u m ay
. .

not find yo u r hostess bu t so m e mem ber o f th e ,

fam i ly i s u s u ally p rese nt .

Thin gs are kept hot o n c h afi n g d ishes at side -

tables . Peop le wai t u p on the m selves and each

othe r fre qu ently gettin g u p an d leavin g thei r
,

seats to d o so T h i s i s to d o away with the foot

.

m en !se rvants ) as al l p rivate plans fo r th e d ay

,

are u su al ly arranged at b reakfast and perso nal ,

m atters are talked ove r i nfo rm ally A se rvant .

i s wi th i n call .

I n wi nte r th e m en wh o h u nt c om e to b reakfast
”
i n pi nk and l ad ies i n thei r h abits if the m eet
, ,
“

i s far d istant .

A fter breakfast g u ests are left p retty mu ch to

th emselves th o u gh o n e of th e fam ily i s generally
,

ready with help o r s u ggestio n fo r entertai nm ent .

si r
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

F ro m o n e to two l u ncheo n i s served an i n ,

.

formal m e al A tte nd anc e i s i rregu lar

. Wate r i n .

c arafes w ith gl asses m ay be o n the table b u t i s ,

n eve r served u nl ess as ked for A erate d wate rs .

,

ale o r wi nes replace i t

,
.

A fte r l u ncheo n yo u r hosts devote the mselves to

yo u . S o m e pl ay go lf o r ten nis othe rs d rive o r ,

ri de It i s al w ays p e rm issib le to take a fri e nd to

.

any festivity except a d i n ne r .

A t five afte rnoo n tea is se rved i n the d rawi ng

,

roo m o r li brary whe re pe op le loite r fo r co nvers a

,

ti o n m u sic o r readi n g u nti l the d ress i ng gong

, , ,
-

so u n d s
A m an finds h is even i ng c lothes lai d ready fo r
hi m i n h is roo m If the m ai d knows whi ch gown
.

a lady wi shes to we ar it i s placed at h and , .

Wo me n always wear l ow— cut gowns and m e n ,

eveni n g cloth es u nl ess they are the on ly visito rs

,

at a very q u iet ho u se when d em i toi lette a,

-

gown c u t partly low is perm issible and m en wea r ,

bl ack ti es and d i nne r j ackets i f they please , .

A t seven thi rty eight o r e i ght th i rty the gon g

-
, ,
-
,

s o u nds fo r d i n ner The b utle r anno u nces it Peo

. .

ple go i n arm i n arm an d the same fo rm ali ty i s o b

,

se rved in all th i ngs as at an elabo rate d in ne r p arty -

.

A fte r d i nne r u nless the gu ests are take n to so m e

,

e ntertai n ment they pass the eve ni n g wi th m u si c

, , ,

games and c onversatio n as wi th u s

, ,
.

A t abo u t h alf afte r te n o r eleven l ad ies go to bed ,

they do n ot reti re i n E ngland th e m en li g h t

i ng thei r hand c and les fo r the m a row of which ,

5 12
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

’ ’
i n g o f b ei n g kept at arm s length bu t o ne s s elf l ove ,
-

i s s oothed by the knowle dge th at all fare ali ke .

N o physic i an i s spoke n to as D o c “

”
to r witho u t h is n am e bei ng m e ntio ned
, ,
’
n o r do es o ne speak of goi ng to a d octo r s
o ffi ce b u t to h is h o u se
, .

A cle rgym an i s n eve r sp oke n o f as The R ev

”
M r Jo nes b ut refe rre d to as R ev J oh n Jo nes
.
, .
,

an d i n speaki ng add ressed si m ply as M r Jo nes “

. .

”
Bishops are add ressed as My L o rd o r Yo u r ,

”
L o rdship o r B i sh op am o ng i nti m ates Thei r
,
“
.

wives h ave no title I n p rivate li fe j u dges ass u m e

.

th ei r i nd ivid u al titl es o nly They are n eve r c alled .

“
J u d ge S o an d S o b u t s poken of fo rmally as
,

M r Ju s tic e S o and S o
. i f not kni ghted , .

I n E ngl and no o ffi cer bel ow the grade O fC aptai n

i s pe rm itted to u se h i s m i litary title o u tsi d e of army
l i fe It i s l ai d asi de with h is u ni fo rm
. .

I n writi ng to trad es m e n o ne says M r S m ith .

,
”
b ut to an equ al on e writes John S m ith E s q , .

I n d ri vi ng the law of th e road is to kee p to the

,

le ft i n passi ng oth ers who are co m i ng toward on e ,

b ut i f the vehi cl e i s go i ng th e s ame way on e passes ,

i t tu rn ing to the ri gh t
, .

Hats are always re moved i n th e p resen ce of

R oyalty even when they d rive past i n th e street
,

o r walk ab o ut at an exhibi tio n .

Y o u ng A m eri cans m u st b e wary i n thei r atten

ti o ns to the fai r d au ghte rs o f A lbi o n They wi ll .

h ave the i r i nte ntions asked i n short o rd e r i f they

go beyo nd the m ost co nventi o nal co u rtesi es .

5 14
 HINT S O N F O REIGN ET IQUETTE

A you n g E ngl ish gi rl vi siti n g A m eri c a sai d ,

Th e m e n i n yo u r co u ntry a re s o ge ne ro u s I n .

E n gland i f a m an b u t give yo u a p ostage stamp

,
-

h e feels h i mself co mm itted to seri ou s i ntentions !

H awtho rn e s ays t h at a ny disl ike be twee n th e
two n ations i s collective n ot i nd ivid u al ; gen eric
, ,

not pe rson al Whe n they m eet th ey E n gli s h

.

u su al ly l i ke each other They are

.
. an d

A m e r i c an
i ntolerant o f p ec uliari ties u nlik e thei r
own and thei r prej u d ice i s fou nde d o ften u pon
,

very sli ght gro u nd F o r i nstanc e th ei r taste

,
”
i s o ffended at o u r m essy way o f eatin g e ggs
”
fro m a glass They obj ect to o u r gu ess i ng an d
.
,

thei r ears are sensitive to m i splaced nasal s o u n ds

and in dep endent m o des of p ro n u nci atio n We .

h ave a pe rfect ri ght to m ake a langu age o f o u r

own b ut i f we d o not c li ng clos ely to the m othe r
,

to ngu e as spoke n by the ed u cated classes i n E n g

,

”
l and o u rs wi ll b e th ou ght a p atoi s by the rest
, ,

of the world .

I n th e m ai n t h e entente i s a co rd i al one an d ,

wh e n occasi on ari ses the proo f i s rarely l acki n g

,

”
that we know o u rselves to b e blood rel ations -
.
C /z ap t er Tfi z r zjy s e v em /z — H I N T S
'

ON
- ‘

F O R E I G N E T I Q U E T T E !C O N T N U E D ) I

F R A N CE AND GE R M A N Y

O WH E R E i s p oliteness m agn ified

i nto s o s u p re me a vi rtu e an d co u r
tesy o f m ann er a passp o rt to su ch
u nive rsal favo r as i n F rance I t has .

bee n s ai d th at there o ne m ay b uy “

anythi ng wit h a s m ile It wo uld be m o re co rrect

.

to say that noth i n g I S bo u ght w itho u t a smi l e fo r ,

i n the shops a requ est for anythi ng i s

F re n ch
always p re faced by a bow and pl eas
c i vili t y
ant good d ay to the s alesm an and
-
,

please i s never o m itted If not s u ited the fact.

,

i s stated al most as an apology and the s ales m an , ,

expressin g regret u s u al l y acco m pani es one to the

,

d oo r whe re both bow and exch ange a s mi li n g

,
”
good day -
.

’
I f yo u d i ne at tabl e d h Ote as y o u take you r ,

seat yo u i ncl u de yo u r ne i ghbo r an d v is a vis i n a

,
- -

co m p rehen sive bow exch ange a fe w p ol ite ph rases

,

d u ri ng the m eal and agai n h o w i n taki n g leave

, .

I n enteri n g a resta u rant o ne con fo rms to c u sto m

”
i n bowi ng to the d am e d u c o mptoi r who re
“
,

tu rns th e salutatio n an d i n goi ng o u t there i s the

,

s ame exchange of civilities .

5 16
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS IONS

d oes not p u rs u e hi m b u t he r h u sban d do es N o

, .

o ne i s transfe rred to the ca re of servants o r aban ,

d o ued to h is own reso u rc es to find his way o u t .

I n F rance they l o ve to d rop i n often u p o n o ne

’

anothe r o n the s am e d ay o f the week w he n th ey ,

m eet the sam e people who have not bee n p arted

,

l on g e no u gh to lose i nte rest i n one anothe r .

I n s oc iety all p e rso n s m eeting at the s am e

ho u se are s u pposed to kn ow each othe r A ny .

m an m ay ask any gi rl to d anc e o r spe ak to any

bo dy at a p rivate ball bu t he d oes not talk to her
, ,

beyo n d a mere c o nventio nal re mark o r t w o e n ,

’
ro ute to the c h ap ero n s sid e whe re h e p ro mptly ,

leaves he r with a pro fo u nd b ow There i s n o .

fu rthe r recogn itio n between th em .

The nam es o f the gu ests are lou d ly anno u n ced

at the d oo r not to the h ostess as with u s b ut fo r
, , ,

th e gene ral benefit This serves as an in t ro d u c

.

ti o n to al l th e co m pany .

O f c ou rse p eo ple are p rese nted to o ne another

by the host o r hostess especi ally at din ners b u t no
, ,

on e feels the n ecessity F rench men e m ploy the

.

m ost resp ectfu l s h ad es o f langu age i n ad d ressi n g a

lady wh o m they m eet thu s o n a footi ng o f reco g
n iz e d equ al i ty
.

A t a d i nn e r the hostess i s th e fi rst to leave th e

d rawi ng roo m and h ead s th e p rocessio n to t h e
-
,
”
tabl e with he r c avali er In F renc h
Din n e r
.

eyes she 18 o n h er own grou nd and

.

e t i qu e t te ,

le ad s the way a s o ne who O ffers hospi

tal ity to her gu ests H e r hu sband co mes l as t
.
,

5 18
 HINT S O N F O R EIGN ETIQUETTE

becau se as host it is his d uty to yiel d p reced e nce

, ,

to every o ne who m he rec eives A fte r d i nne r all .

retu rn to th e s alon arm i n arm i n th e same o rde r

, , .

I n m ost h o u ses the exc u s e o f s m oki ng d oes not

d ivid e the gu ests C i gars an d ci garettes are l ighted
.

i n th e d rawi n g roo m M any F ren chwo m en t h i nk

-
.

that they sho w wisdo m i n s u p p ress ing any obj ection

to to bacc o a co ncess io n that au tho rizes no l ib
,

e r ty
. N o F ren ch m an wi ll d ream of showin g l ess
d eferenc e to the wo m e n abo ut hi m beca u s e per
m itte d to s m oke i n th ei r p resence .

C o nve rs atio n i s p racti se d as an art wher e ep i ,

”
gram repartee an d witty mo ts are constantly
, ,

exhi bi ted The re i s n eve r a lack o f vivaci ty and

.
,

al l appear to attach m u ch i mpo rtance to o ne an

’
othe r s op i ni o ns Hab itu al speech i s flowery and
.

fl atteri n g E ve ry F re nch m an asp i res to be

. un
”
h o m m e galant and pleasi ng to the other sex It
,
.

is a pose th at h as grown to b e second n atu re .

It i s eti qu ette i n F rance to m ake co nversatio n

’
general at tabl e O n e talks to o ne s o ppo si te n ei gh
.

’
b ors rathe r th an to the perso ns at o n e s si de Th ey .

thi nk t ete a t ete co nve rsatio ns all abo u t a tabl e

- -

to be i n qu esti o nable taste and n ot at all co nd u ,

cive to gayety and soci ab ility .

F li rtati on howeve r h as al w ays th e m ost e x ag

, ,

ge rated constru cti on put u po n i t To the F ren ch .

,

it co nveys th e i d ea of a d i rect pu rsu it o f F l i r t at i o n

ad mi rati o n o r of l ove an d the c al cu lated ,

u se o f all th e arts whi ch m ay see m to se rve that

O bj ect .
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCA S I O N S

As eve ry F re nc hwo m an i s at heart a coqu ette al l ,

grace and a ffabi l ity to everythi ng call i ng itself a

ma n the d istin cti on betwee n fl i rtatio n an d c o
,

q u e try s ee m s to u s to be witho u t a di ffe re nce .

They th i nk th e fo r m e r aggressi ve the latte r to be

attractively o n th e d efe ns ive rec u le r p ou r , ,
”
m i e u x s au te r I t i s well fo r fo rei gn ers to u nd er
.

s tan d thes e vie ws Th ere is O ften an ele m ent th at

’

"

i s i m p erso nal i n the co qu etry of a F rench ge n

t l e w o m an however
, S h e see m s anxi o u s n ot to
.

d raw h o m age to h e rself s o m uch as to sec u re

vi cto ry i n wi nn i n g m en away fro m othe r all u re
m e nts less i n no cent .

Th e o rganiz ati o n o f balls and recepti o ns i s nat

u ral l y the sam e i n F ranc e as i n othe r E u ropean
“

A n e e e e e co u ntri es
_ The fo rm o f i nvitatio n is the
.

t an c e O f a n s ame bu t answe rs to them are so m e

,

in ‘ ma‘ im ‘
wh at d i ffe rently wo rd ed The fo rm u la .

for a d i nn er acceptance i s M S m it h thanks ,

“
.

M o nsieu r and M ad am e d e C o u rcelles fo r th ei r

”
graci o us i nvitati on and wi ll have the pleasu re o f
, ,

etc S m ith i n spe aki ng of h i mself abb revi ates

.
, ,

the wo rd Mo nsi eu r to th e letter M whi le i n

“ ”
.
,

”
mentio ni ng his friend s he wri tes M onsi e u r and
”
“
M ad am e at fu ll length This disti nctio n i s .

i nvariably em ployed by men Wo men desc ribe .

”
themselves as M ad am e witho ut abb revi ation .

F re nch s ociety i s i n m arked contrast

to o u r Ow n i n that age an d even in fi rm ,

ity seem s to be n o d isqu al ificati o n fo r

,

its plea s u res .

5 20
1
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O C CA S I O N S

p ract i ce th at i t i s n ot greatly to b e w o nd e re d at
,

that the frivolo u s G au l sho u ld so m eti m es m ake

p rivately o f co u rse o u t of co u rtesy
, , i nvi d io u s
c om p ariso ns betwee n it and the o ne h e h i ms elf
p ro fes ses .

In G erm any wh e re co ro nets an d qu arteri n gs are

,

c o u nte d as c ard i nal vi rtu es where n o o n e with o u t

,

a title can go to co u rt the re exi sts o f , ,

Ge rm an y
co u rse cl ass d i stin ctio n b u t th e re i s no
, ,

s nobb i shness G entlefolk are welcom ed for what

.

they are not fo r wh at th ey h ave

, .

V e ry u npleasant h o w e ve r ac c o rd in g to o u r i deas
, , ,

i s the rul e that stran gers m u st m ake the fi rst ad .

Vis it in g
vances U.po n arrivi ng at a pl ace wh ere
e t iq u e t t e y o u expect to m ake a stay o f so m e
fo r le ngth a rm e d with a few i ntrod u ctio ns
, ,

S t r a ge r s
n
yo u d rive fro m d oor to do o r leavi n g ,

cards — and it i s well withi n th e c onve ntio ns to

,

l eave them as well u po n the friend s of you r fri ends .

The co u rtesy wi ll b e ret u rn ed an d i n m any cases ,

’

A n i n vi t a a se rvant w ill c al l to d eli ve r h i s m aster s

t i o n fo r m essage requ esti n g t h e h o no r of yo u r
,

din n e
r
com pany at d i nn e r o n a spec ified d ay ,

’
at three fou r o r five o clock as the c ase m ay
, , ,

be .

Wh en yo u arrive i f yo u a re a wo man yo u wi ll
, ,

requ est yo u r h o stess to present yo u to al l th e

l ad i es p re sen t which sh e wi ll d o b egin n in g the
, ,

tou r wi th the m ost d istin gu ished pe rso n ages fi rst ,

and t h en p roceed i ng acco rd i n g to the n icest gra

d ati o n of eti qu ette Yo u co u rte s y to each and
.
,

5 22
 HINT S O N F O REIGN ETIQUETTE

the h usban ds o f these l ad ies are then bro u ght b e

fore yo u fo r p resentati on A n E ngli shwo m an th u s .

d e s c ribes s u ch a scen e : The c o u rte s y in gs o b e i ,

sances co m p li me nts at o nce e mb arrass an noy an d

, , , ,

am u se yo u . You r knees resent the ge n u fle c tio n s ,

yo u feel ri d i cu lo u s an d co nsci o us that the bobbi ng

, ,

sli d i ng gli di ng an d gri m ac i ng lad i es are c ri tic isi ng

, ,

yo u r r u stic ai r and l ack o f grace yet you swe ar to ,

you r s elf by all you r god s that n o i nch lowe r than

i s co nsistent with yo u r pe rso n al d i gnity wi ll yo u
s i nk b efo re yo u r fel low c reatu res !
When the lad i es leave th e d i n ing ro o m th e -
,

gentlem en n atu rally rise to l et the m pa s s It i s .

a pretty G erman cu sto m fo r e ach l ady to co u rtesy

to th e m an who sat next he r .

Theatres and o pe ras begi n early and s eats co me ,

with i n th e b o u n ds o f the m ost restri cted p u rses .

Wo m e n go abo u t alon e an d can e nj oy

0 p e r a s an d
,

an i ndepend ent and free l i fe W i th p rofit t h e at r e s

and pl eas u re .

Whe n m aki ng a call b e c arefu l no t to seat yo u r

,

self u po n the sofa lest o n e m o re hono rabl e th an

,

”
tho u be b i dd en Th at a rti cle o f fu r C all i n
.

g
n it u re th e app ro ach to whi ch i s u s u
ally barre d by a tabl e h e d ge d in fro m i ntru d ers
, ‘

i s th e seat o f greatest d i sti ncti on an d o n e u su ally ,

’
waits the i nvitatio n o f o ne s hostess be fore seati n g
’
o ne s sel f th ereo n A well bred gi rl wou l d neve r
.
-

o ccu py a so fa i n th e p resence o f her elders .

’
A gentlem an sits alway s at the lady s left h and .

Thi s avoi ds any m arri n g o r entanglement of he r

5 7-3
ETIQUETTE F O R ALL O CCAS I O NS

gown with h is swo rd The swo rd seem s by c ou r

.
,

tesy to be c o nsi dered as always p resent Th e whol e

,
.

m an ne r o f the m en su ggests the soldi e r .

A co ffee p arty o r Kaffee Klatch is p ar exc el

, ,

l enc e a G erm an fem in i ne ente rtai n ment G u ests are .

’
i nvited to co m e abou t fou r o clock and i t ,

i s u nd erstood th at they are to b ri ng thei r

wo rk and m ake an afterno on of i t F i n .

ge rs are neve r i dle To s it with folded han d s i s re

.

gard ed i n G ermany as a c u lpable waste o f ti m e .

L o ng p ractic e h as e n abled the wo men to talk with

even gre ate r vol u bi li ty whe n the i r fi ngers are m o v
i ng i n u n iso n with thei r tongu es S tron g co ffee .
,

c hocolate fl avo red with vanilla and beaten u p

eggs and c ream w ith eve ry con ceivabl e kind of
,

c ake i s served and it wo u ld n ot b e G erm any if

, ,

the re was not a l ittle m u sic .

A ll p res entati ons to fo rei gn cou rts are m ad e

th rou gh the nati o nal rep resentative and th e l n ,

fo rm ati on in regard to th e vari ou s fo rm al iti es re

qu i red i s obtai ned fro m them .

To fo re i gners the cu sto m o f wives sha rin g thei r

’
h u sban ds o ffic i al titles seem s m ost cu rio u s I f yo u .

C o rre c t wou l d n ot give O ffence you m u st teach ,

m a n n e r o f yo u r ton gu e to say G o od m o rni n g ,

-
,

add r e ss ”
M rs Pri vy Co u n c il l o re s s
.
-
Thank v o u , ,

M rs Ove r Pol ice D ire c t o re s s

.
- -
A ll the you n ger .
”

son s be ar the fa m ily title by co u rtesy .

’
A t table d h Ote o ne s e es m arvello u s feats o f
-

kn i fe j uggl ery and i s tem pted to wish pi o u sly th at

-
,

the perpetrators m ay cu t them selves bu t the ,

5 24
 I N D E !

E
AC C N T , 360 Ca ll s, a ft ern o o n , 97
p
Acce tan ce , a no vel , 53 e ve i n n g,
94
Ac q i t w l
ua n an ces , un m e co e, 1 4, 81 firs t , 9 1
A d p t bili ty
a a ,
1 02 fi r s t ret u rn i n g, 9 2 , 96
A dd 65 67
res s , ,
m o rn 90i n g,

Addr i gp es s n fti tl e rs o n s o e, 39 0 o fm a rr e id
m en , 9 3
A im t h ,
i l 83 e soc a ,
p
u o n me , n w o m e n
’
s , 92

A m us e m en t s , 309 Car ds c urte y at

,
o s ,
2 72

l i
An g o m an a, 1 0 1 leaving 78
ive ari es 45 7—
,

A nn rs 46 ,
2 m i ed w m
arr o en s ,
’
72
A p o l gy 3 74
o , m e n ’s , 73
A rca di s i m pli city 8
an ,
2 m o u rn n g, 73 i
A t h o m e ,” 49 n am e, 1 1
5
k
Aw w ar n es s , 2 4 d di
77
s en n g,

s vi i ti
n g, 6 8, 79

BA K E R, th e, 381
’
w o m en s , 71
Ball b gi s e n , t h e, 1 69 y
C ere m o n , ch ur ch , 2 40- 2 46
B ll
a s, 166 - 191 C hafi n g- s h, 1 40 di
“
as s em bly ,
”
1 67 C ha p e ro n , a gi lr
’
s i
at t en t o n to h er,
co s t u m e, 1 89 2 02

b cri p ti n 1 84
su s o , th e d ti es f 9 4
u o a, 1

B th i g i t m e eed
’
a n -
344su s, n s, th e n f 1 93 o a,

Bed g i g t
, 84
o n o
,
2 th e p p 95
ro er , 1

Behavi 57 o r, th e val e f 1 9 4
u o a,

B t ma
es d ti e o f 5 5
n, u s ,
2 t reatm en t o fa, 1 97

Bi ycli g 3 5 7
c n , p
Cha ero n s , 1 76- 2 1 1
Bi th d y f et 43 5
r a e, Charm n g, 42 7 i
B ti g 3 5 7
oa n , ild
Ch re n at ta e , 430 bl
B w ti q tte fa 8
o ,
e ue o , 2 et u et te f iq
o r, 4 2 5
B wi g
o v ti 3
n co n en o n, 0 in p f s to rs , 426
r es en ce o vi i
B reakfa t 36 s , 1
“
s h o w n fi
f”
g o , 42 8
ec m i al 37
o no c ,
1 “
i
t e as n g,
”
42 9
m en u , 1 37 Ch ild
ren s pl yf ll
a
’
e o ws, 4 2
3
we ddi n g, 2
31, 2 50 i i
Ch r s t an n am e , 3 5 4
Bree di n g, go o d , 4 1 8 i i
Chr s t e n n gs , 449 - 4 56
But ch er, th e, 3 81 ch urc h , 449

h o u s e, 4 5 1
CA K E ,
th e w e ddi n g, 2 1
3 f
r e r es h m e n ts at, 4
53
Ca lli n g, e t iq u e t te o f, 82 l
C o th es , care o f, 347
p p t i
ro er co ur es es in , i
Co ach ng, 407
ti m f 94 e o r, Co m pli
m en t s , 3 6 8
C al li g ou t i
n
98 c r e s es , dl
C o n o en ce, ca s o f, 90 ll
5 27
 INDE !

Co n do l en ce, n o t es o f, 3 84
D r es s , m en ’s , v i
e en n g, 340
ans w ers to n o tes of 8
, 3 5 go “: 3 45
l i
C o n gratu at o n s , 2 06 i
nfo rm a l eve i n n ,
g 342
v i
Co n e rs at o n , at n n er, 366 di m o rn 338 i n g.

ch arm in , 3 6 1 ridin
g, 345
s m i pli i y
c t in , 36 1 p i
s o rt n g, 344

b
s u j ects o f, 3 62 v lli
tra e n g, 3 46
d p
tes t w o r s an d h ras es in , 369 y i
ach t n g, 344

p d l
C o rres o n en ce , s o cia , 3 75- 3 9 3 D res s , w o m en s ,
’

3 1 8-
336
illi
Co t o n , th e , 1 78 at f un era s
,
l 336
et iq
u et t e o f,
1 80 at h o m e, 3 2 7
f t 1 82
avo r s a ,
ball 3 24 ,

l ead e o f 1 79 r ,
b ide m o i g
r
’
s u rn n , 335
Co u r e t sy a d g o d m an
n o n ers in th e ch ild en m o urn i
r
’
s n
g, 33 5
h o m e 4 1 4- 42 4 ch ur ch , 32 2
,

Cres t, t h e , 3 76 c o ach n g,3 2 8 i

d i an c n g, 3 2 4

DA N C E S , 1 66- 1 9 1 di n n er, 3 2 6

barn 1 9 , 0 di ir v n g, 3 2 8

betw ee t h n e, 1 74 f ll 3 4
u , 2

di 88
nn er , 1 g lf 33o , °

h o us e, 1 86 l h e 32 3
unc o n,

i nfo r m a lc o s tu m e, 1 9 0 m rn i g 3 33
ou n ,

i l
D an c ng c as s es , 1 2 1, 1 89 013 91 3 4 82 5
D au gh t ers , 3 2 7 r ec e p ti o n, 3 22
y
D a s at h o m e, 4 2 ridi g 3 n ,
22

i
D eb utan te , n tro u c n g a, d i 1 1
5
-
1 25 v t
s er an s
’
, 49 498
0 -

n ew d i
u t es o fa, 1 2 0 sp ti g
or 32 8 n ,

i
D eco rat o n s , nn er , 1 5 0 di s t eam er , 3 3 1

w eddi n g, 2 32 s to r m y
w eath er, 33 1
De p ar tur e o f b id a d g o o m
r e n r ,
2 48 f
s tree t !a t ern o o n ) , 3 2 1

De po r t m en t , ca i age 4 6
rr 0 s tr ee t !m o rn n g) , 3 2 0 i
—
,

m en
’
s. 3 3 7 35 8 s u gges t o n s f i
o r eco n o m y in , 3 32
Des s ert, 3 69 , 3 70 s um m er, 33 1
D nn ers , 1 43—
i 1 65 th eatre, 3 2 5
b idr egro o m s
’
b
ach e o r , 2 1 l 5 v lli
tra e n g, 3 3 1
b idr es ma
’
id
s , 215 vi i i
s t n g, 3 22

ch o o s n g i th g e ts fo 1 44 e u s r, l
w h ee , 33 1
fin al p
re p a ati o ns fo r 1 5 8
r ,

h o u r fo r, 1 45 E C O N O MY , s u gges t o n s i fo r, 33 2
li ttl e ,
1 63 E n gagem en ts , h o n o r in k pi
ee n g, 5 6

m en u of, 1 51 in co o n al i l days , 210

s tag, 1 64 l o n g an d s h o rt , 2 0 8

Dres s , m en 33 7 35 8
’
s, - i
E n terta n m en t , ch ild e r n s,
’
433
f
a tern o o n , 340 o u t -o i- d o o r, 3 0 7-
31 7
b i
ath n g s u ts , 344 i i i
E nu nc at o n , 3 60
li
Ci c n g, 344
r
pi p
E ta h , 46 8
d n vm g. 346 iq b ll
E t uette, a -ro o m , 1 67

5 28
 INDE!

MAI D, lady s 483 ’

,
P res en tat i o n s , ch an ce, 1 7
M i m s 3 74
an n er s ,
f o rm u a o f,
18 l
Ma e nn i p blic 4 3
rs , n u , 0 P ro bl em , th e p l 1 3
ar en ta , 2

tabl 3 94 4 e, -
02 P ro gram m e , th e fa h i o abl e s n ,
12
3
M eal s ,
c i g th e 2 88
an n o u n n ,
P ro vi ci ali s m
n , 3 54
Me ti q
n, e tt e fo 96 ue r,

i i t in g 9 3
nv , RA I N Y days , 2 88
M en u , th e, 1 3 1 , 1 3 7, 1 5 5 R ece t pi o n, 3 6, 4 2
M i s tres s , t he, 4 74 R e cr eat io n, 35 8
Mo n o gram an d cres t, 3 76 Re f es h m
r en ts ,
31 0
M o th ers an d daugh ters , 3 2 7 R egrets , 5 4
M o th ers in l aw , 42 2 - -
R eh earsa , th e w e l ddi n g, 2 34
M u s i c, at balls , 1 69 R i n g, th e , 2 07
at di n n er, 1
58 R o o ms , th e gu es t, 2 78, 2 8
9
at w e ddi g 39 n s, 2

Mu s i cals aft o n 2 67
, ern o ,
—
S A L U T A T I O N S, 2 4 34
even in g 2 68 ,
d i
S an w ch e , ” 349 d
NA M E ,
Ch r s t i i an , 71 , 3 79
v
S er an ts , 1 46
at ten t o n i to , 2 84
m iddl e 3 79
ik d ti es
,
u of 2 87
N c n am es , 3 79
,

No bles bli ge ” en ga g n g. i 472

se o 42 8
No t at h o m e, ”
,

88
d 47
go o . 1

ti pp i g 3
No tes o fco n gr atu at o n s an d l i than s k S ervi c
n . 02

o t 441
e, c rr e c
3 83
,

i
wr tten in thi r d pe rs o n ,
381
S et t h e f h i o n abl 75
,

S hy es 42 7
n s,
as e,

S i k calli g th e 9
O BL I G A T I O N , a pleasa n t, 1 2 2
c

Si k
.

”
n on ,
1

th e s oc a il , 84
c
37
S i m p li i ty 2 33
, 0

p
O era, at th e, 2 59
S l g 354
c ,

p
O e ra b o x, in an , 2 6 1
an

S m k i n g 349
.

Orch es tra s ta , in th e , ll 2 62
o ,

S na a d d raw backs 1
p
Or h an , w h er e th e r b ide is an 63
res
3 n , 1
,
Sno b a d their il k 1 6
s n
,

P AG ,
E
th e, 486
S ci al p o bl em a s o l ti o
o r
, u n Of th e

ll
P a b earers , th e, 46 7
1 09

ki
P aren ts , as n g co n s en t o f, 2 05
S u gges t i o n s, fi n a , 3 72 l
P a ti
r card
es ,67 2 gen era l , 99

g d
,
Su pp er-t ra ,
”
y 1 40
47 3
ar

h o us e ,
en .

2 74- 2 9 3
.
07
Su pp er s , 1 8 1 2
3 4
—
S u rn am es , 3 79
O pe ra an d th eatre, 2 6 ,
3 35 7
P ic i c
n s, 312
co m p y at
an , 31 4 T A BL E l yi ,
a ng t h e, 1 47
f eas t at , 31 4 li ght i g th e n
, 30 1

P o s ta l card 3 76 s, vi g thes er n ,
1 52
P r ec e d t f h i ble
en ,
as o na , 60 T lk i g s h o p
a n ,
”
3 63
P r es en tati s at di on n n e rs an d r ece p T a ft o
e s, a er n o n , 1 01 , 355
ti o n s , 12 a s i ta ts at s s n 10
, 3
 INDE !

T eas , gu es ts at, 1 04 V A LE T th e , , 486

k
h o w to m a e, 1 1 0 Vi i t i g 9 5
s n
,

l es f m al 06
s or ,
1 Vi i t
s 91
o rs , 2

m i c at 5
us 10

WE D D I N G d ay o fth e 2 36—
,

vi g 89
s er n ,
258, ,

peci l 8
s a ,
10 Weddin gs p rep arati o n fo r 2 1 2
, ,
-
2
35
“
Th kyan 4 o u,
”
01 Wido w rem ar riage o fa 63
Wido w—
, ,

Th t i al
ea r c 69 s, 2 bride dres s o fa 2 2 0 , ,

T in i g p a
ra n tal 429
,
r en , Wife th e 4 1 9
, ,

T ro u ss eau, t h e, 229 Wit 365

,
 Un ive rs ity o fCal ifo rn ia
S O UTHERN REGIO NAL LIBRARY FAC ILITY
Re turn th i s m ate rial to the l ib rary

R E C E I V E D

MAY 03 199 3

ART LIBRARY