1•25•19

January - The end of a New York

month. I am sitting in a bed
@ the I-building – actually
loving the freedom yet support I
feel outside my doors.

Florida seems safe + comforting

to me. I am supposed to map
out the rest of my years -

5 years, 3 years, 1 year.

I am also trying to sort out my

life - what is it that I
want + need? Focused on myself
this time around but like a
kid with Aspergers unsettled
in the change.

I obviously don't know what the

future holds but also don't
know where I'll be – but I
would like to remain sober –
although getting high – like
an Aspergers kid.

1
 What we pay attention to grows + so

what if I tried another strategy –

to acknowledge when really

hurting or just pretend + put

out my conciousness[sic].

1•26•19

So open your eyes to a new

a light → I have wandered
around your darkened land all
night. Cried this morning
because I realize that part of
this thick pain in my heart is
related to the fact that I
don't have either brother as
part of my life. That's a heavy,
sad truth.

It's raining here in Florida –

I-building. Actually nice to
be in I-building – don't have
to deal with the chaos of
it all.

2
 I am slowly healing in new ways –
this past time was a relapse
that maybe I needed.

As Lisa said, “this is just part

of your journey” + that feels
right.

I concentrated on Kevin last time

+ not myself. This time going to
be different. I may go see a
movie today. I don't have ADD,
do I?

I've made peace with all of it –

somehow. Maybe it was just time
– maybe this is how you mend +
heal. By giving time + walking
through it.

I want to imagine a different,

or rather more fulfilled life
for myself. If definitely involves
sobriety + making some hard
concentrete[sic] decisions in the next
four months.

3
 A year from now...

January 2020

1. Been sober from c + hard

for a year!

2. Working on livelihood as main

job/project.

3. Living? Florida weather, but

home is where my family is...

4. Super solid single – or beginning

to date/find romance

5. Not in relationship limbo

6. Eggs frozen/harvested/
pregnant.

7. Fucking non-smoker

8. Exploring other opportunities +

taking them – for career

9. No debt + credit built.

4
 I know that adventure must be
added to my sobriety list –

And it is. I am jumping in

shower, going to get my car +
then see where the day takes
me.

What is my #1 goal today?

To see if you can not smoke

a cigarette – without others –
Babe. Only

Do not contact Kevin

Attend 2 meetings?

Do something fun for self.

Movie?

5
 1•27•19

Today is the day – a day – to

start a new. To start over

again... I have been pre-occupied[sic]

with thoughts of K. But he is in

no position to give me what I

need. His life has been turned

upside down by not seeing his

daughter. And if I care for

him despite the fact that he

played – unintentionally with

my heart – I will let him go.

My strategy? He is gay.

It broke my heart to see

him in this place. I think

what keeps coming up for

6
 me is my brothers. How I don't

have them in my life anymore.

I'm looking forward to starting

my clinical week. Really diving

into therapy and working on the

parts of me that need love,

support, and tenderness. What

does that look like? Well for

starters it begins with truly

letting go of all expectations.

Committing myself to reality @

all costs – knowing this is

where I will find ultimate

serenity.

7
 It involves me engaging

actively in the program – with

my sponsor. Going to meetings,

following the advice of clinical

staff, praying, meditation –

you did so well training your

mind to be quiet. I have to

be abstinent. I can't, don't

want to, fight this anymore.

It involves focusing on all

that I need to focus on.

It involves being around +

being with the people who are

available to love me + give

me support.

8
 It involves true letting go –

surrender. Emotionally + spiritually

on my knees. It involves

doing the work + doing it well.

I think my age plays into all

of this – 37 + about to turn

38 without children, husband,

a clear path forward.

Not ready or wanting to let go

of the comfortability of Howard.

9
 It's the trying to deal with

extremes. Do I cut off

entirely + not talking – in my

mind make it “over”. What

is the healthy way to be?

It's either all or nothing – how

do I cope with the unknown +

let it go? Wanting to reach out

+ share – my life with others.

Balance.
Walk the line...

10
 What are the good things?

Can you forgive self for engaging?

How do I sort out?
Yes. It happened. Even though
What if I know in my gut
that it's no longer there? I made it happen.

What were positive things about

it happening?

– I like/can feel passion/sex

– Attraction is important

What is the residual?

– Wanting to have sex

– To avoid dealing with

emotions?

Why can't be with him?

– Not emotionally available

– Dealing with daughter/wife
– Dealing with Howard
– Emotional immaturity
– Unstable
downs
up's
11
– Letting another person control Have this bizarre conundrum –

emotional states life is so short – don't waste it

– Feels harsh – “all + then + grab what you want. Go

nothing @ all” for it.

– Rollercoaster[sic] VS.

– Not taking care of self. Let time be. Time will heal.

– Giving over my power Time is on side + only way

– He could die – another loss.

What can I do to improve? But
– Not reach out via text and/or What if I don't feel like I
phone
have a lot of time?
– Not deliberately try to be
around him. So . . . simplify.

– He is dangerous for me – keep it simple.

right now.
– let go, let god.
– Letting go, + letting God.
– Inward focus.
– Do opposite of instinct
– One day, @ a time.
12
 1/27/19

It's been a strange weekend

what I feel in my gut is that

it's over – @ least for now +

probably a long time. What I

know now is that he is hurting,

doesn't respect my mind enough,

think I have anything to offer,

thinking I am obsessive (I am);

compulsive (I am); and clingy.

But those are only parts of me –

only parts of the disease.

As a service, I need to let go –

for him. And I am – but I

still want to be his friend.

Although is that possible?

13
Is it possible to just be a I think he is rather immature –

friend? Time will tell. I am feeling he gets uncomfortable being

stronger by the day + really trying around me and I hate that.

to keep the focus on me + have His entire disposition has changed –

faith. Real faith. That things and he did say that it won't

will work out + be/I will live a be like that forever. But the

life beyond my wildest dreams. guy who I thought I was

I will for now, use the fellowship falling for is no longer here.

as my higher power. I am It's just not him anymore.

going to do 90 in 90. Will make I want sobriety at all costs –

the 7am meeting tomorrow I am willing to go to any

@ crossroads and have a full lengths to get it. I want a

day of therapy + focus. I miraculous life – filled with

get a massage tomorrow too. things, people, + places I love.

14
A few things that were said in
meeting that resonated with me – I also think that we won't end

1. Accept your[sic] powerless – over up being together – I have no

situations. The more I try to
hold on, the more I will lose. more illusions. Things that really

2. Align values + virtues with who make me wonder/quiver – and I

you are – in all that you do.
saw it the first night I was with
What do I value –
1. Integrity him. When he kicked me out of
2. Honesty
3. Passion the car + left me to walk home.
4. Kindness – random too.
5. Respect 1. Doesn't give a damn really –
6. Love super self-centered.
7. Family
8. Humor/fun 2. Never asks about you or
follows up on anything –
9. Compassion can't be bothered.

10. Justice/equity/equality 3. Constantly spilling – could be

something else thought so not
I do value myself. I value the trying to be judgemental[sic]
woman I am. But I'm not
honoring her. 4. His looks sometimes make
me uncomfortable

Bottom line: I don't think he

was who I thought he was.
15
 1•28•19
What I focus on grows –
I am grateful for another day.
So that's all I am going to
I am grateful for my father.
say for now. –
I am grateful for the bird that
I have to get up early for
sang outside my window when
meeting – 90 in 90.
asked for Beauie.

He is here with me.

16
 Dear Kevin,

When I first met you, I felt

an instant yet unattainable

attraction. I was also surprised

+ happy that there was someone

my age – from my area - + felt

a familiarity. The first week of

treatment you were gone and I

was focused on myself but in the

back of my mind – I wondered

when you were coming back.

We spent that Friday together +

again I felt a mutual attraction –

this is where it all began.

The text messages – flirtatious

in nature –
17
The first night we were going to
the car. I smoked a cigarette
meet, I didn't call you – and
while you sat in the car talking
as I was walking home let you
to her – and I remember thinking
know that I didn't think it was
this is a disaster. You came out
a good idea. You were disappointed
+ told me you had to go – could
saying I left you “hanging” + so
drive me home but I insisted
I gave in + we met.
on walking. I cried on my
Kissing you for the first time –
way back – thinking about how
was magic. I remember thinking
incredible an experience but how
that I could just kiss you
awful the ending felt. As if I
forever – and one thing led to
had just been used for sex –
another and we entangled
a street walker – there was
in each others arms + had
no peace in my heart.
mind blowing sex. Towards the
A familiar feeling came over
end – your wife called and
me + I vowed to let it be.
you rushed to kick me out of
18
 Eric Dengler

You text me how sorry you were you knew you shouldn't contact

for how it went down and asked me but couldn't help yourself –

if you could make it up to me. that you wanted me to know you

And so it continued. were sleeping on the couch +

Your text messages + sentiments I hadn't left your mind.

became stronger through the next The texts + sexting continued from

few weeks. My last day with you there – sending each other pictures

we/I cried as you held my face + making sweet promises.

+ told me that the future was You begged me to see you the wk
th
unknown... of the 12 . Saying it would be

We made the desicion[sic] to not a “crime” to not see what still

communicate over the holidays – existed outside the bubble.

you wrote me a few mornings I was conflicted – b/c I

rd
later – the 23 – saying how didn't want to be a mistress +

much you missed me. Said honestly didn't want to be

“that” woman to your wife.

19
But I came back to Ocean Drive I may not have been experiencing

conflicted + needed to process – a good sex life @ home but I

both Josey + Randal were out did have a partner who thought

that week + I let it out about me + my needs before

after being told to “talk about his. I wrote you a text that

it” - that it would release the power. you should concentrate on being

I became more confused + @ home. “How can you see if

ashamed of letting our business anything possible with your wife

out in the open. when you sexting me @ 5am?”

A few days before New Years – You asked me to “let you think

you text me @ 5am + began about it” and hours later said

speaking sexually – then ended you thought I was right.

abruptly + it felt bizarrely But that you still wanted to

th
familiar again – I felt used see me on the 12 weekend.

+ thought it was selfish. Our conversations/contact

got more sparce[sic].
20
 nd
I have to admit that although a text on Tuesday the 22 –

it's what I had said, it wasn't “You haven't left my mind –

what I wanted. I text you I relapsed” I am ok + going to

th th
on the 8 /9 to ask about the Caron – no needles – my wife is
th
12 weekend + you responded divorcing me. Wish you were here.

that you were conflicted + didn't I'd like to get sober + try with

think it was best. you... but if you don't I'll

I broke down + numbed my understand – I guess I wanted

feelings in cocaine. this to happen on some level”

We didn't speak for the next It was what I was had wished

10/12 days + I grieved what for but no (minus relapse) but

I thought was sycroncity[sic] – didn't think it was possible.

th
the spark I had desired for On Friday the 25 – you

so long – I was finally once again went radio silent

coming around to letting it all saying you needed time to

go with you + then receive figure shit out.

21
I want to make it very clear So where do we go from here?

that I 100% agree that you I have been working on letting

can only focus on self right now. go but I don't want to resent

Your'e[sic] life is @ stake – you. I am here for sexual trauma +

But for my health + sanity – loss – both you have healed +

what am I supposed to do with hurt. I have a part in all of

these emotions? The Rollercoaster[sic] – this – that is my work.

you telling me that “you were How I let myself get involved

on herion.[sic] + had just been kicked with unavailable men

out of your own house” while who can't give me what I need.

writing me those intense texts – Maybe this was a fantasy

makes my stomach churn – feeling I created in my head. Maybe

used. An innocent victim in your you too are like a drug –

twisted/wicked games. addicted to the feeling of

being “safe” – made by another

or the fact that the sex
22
 1/30/19
was incredible for the first time –
So thankful that January is
in a long time. Whatever it
almost over – ce la vie![sic] 1•27•19
was – feelings were felt +
is my date + goddamn it it
remain unsettled. I think it
better be my last. I've had one
is best we talk in person.
of my hardest days – my sex

drive is out of fucking control.

Like literally, I am in heat.

I told Kevin the truth about how

I was feeling – felt exposed +

vulnerable so didn't go to dinner.

Needed a break from seeing him.

We are supposed to have a therapy

session on Monday and I am

still unsure of it all. There is

a piece of me that wishes

23
I didn't have to do it. But I know it's not the healthies[sic]

maybe it would be healing and then way to deal with things but

again maybe it would open up more @ least it's better than drugs.

wounds that will take me longer to I am focused on myself + my

adjust + get over with. I am needs + sex seems – @ least

going to give it a few days + at this moment to be one of

see how I feel. I erased his them. I don't know if I even

number from my phone – so can't need to kiss a guy – just

contact him unless he is to contact come over + fuck me – sober.

me which he won't. I think I I think I'm going to go to

need to have sex in order to the AA meeting tomorrow night.

feel good about not having sex And maybe he will be there?

+ to get it over with. Neil's Maybe not. But I have always

friend is a sex addict which been boy crazy. I remember

nd
might work out well. pulling up my skirt in 2

24
grade and showing the boys remember the Q-tips – I hated

my underpants. Hyper-sexualized getting my ears clean; beating

@ a young age. What is this my vagina due to overhearing

due to? Was I molested. I parents having sex;

think so – I can't remember what made me so attached?

specifics but I do remember – My mother not emotionally

available –
trauma – I remember not liking – My father was – message – I
could get love from men.
the Woolzacks house; I
– “I'm not your mother”
remember somewhat being
– Blanket being taken away
sexualized with Caroline; I
– Not letting myself go to
remember having sex with friends bathroom

@ a young age; showers w/ – Being wiped until too late

in the game –
my dad (probably not appropriate);
–
Being turned on when I I could list all the reasons –

wasn't suppose[sic] to be. I But I can't seem to find

25
the solution. in my life. Today, I feel it

1/31/19 isn't necessary to have a convo

The last day of February! with him – what's the point?

Thank you Lord Jesus. I am I would rather have the mistake +

getting better each day + realizing take the lesson. What did he

it was the intimate connection teach me? – That intimacy is so

that I am grieving + got important to me. – That falling

obsessed with. It's been a long head over heels isn't necessarily

time – but it's not him. He is healthy – That I choose men who

a sweet guy but I honestly are unavailable to me. He

am not that internally attracted also taught me about my own

to him. He is emotionally pathetic/immature/needy behavior

immature – aren't we all – but that I would like to change.

shows me how I don't want to I don't need to be needy. I

be + what I won't stand for need to be self-assured +

26
confident that I can + will have

what I desire. You will have all

What do you desire?
you desire! Trust
– Livelihood 2.0 – Financial
independence
the process. Trust
– A brown haired men[sic] who is
affectionate, stable, + kind +
smart to live my life with yourself + your ability
– Children – a family of some kind
to manifest all your
– A happy, adventurous, + passionate
life with a happy, adventurous,
+ passionate partner. dreams. You go[sic] this,
When I am certain that I'd
Ashley Blazer Biden.
rather be alone than with

just anyone – I will find him.

Or he will find me.

27
Prayer Other Assignments –

“Please whoever you are 1. 5 Gratitude each day

→ – nothing can purchase
Please keep sober today”
2. Pro's + Con's list of Kevin
“Thank you for keeping me
sober 3. Affirmations

pg – Upon awakening + @ down 4. Set boundaries for me

86
pg.
417 Acceptance Reason, season, lifetime.

Big Book–

AA Big Book App – Free

Text – Everyday

Pro's + Con's

Praying to be ok – to love

self. Help me love me.

28
 Continued Relationship with Kevin
Pro's Con's Pro's Con's

Insane/deep sex Wife Not feeling safe

Child anymore
Kissing – like smell Wife not leaving him
of breath Started relationship when Feels guilty – both of us
in another relationship
No undying commitment
to another
Get hurt b/c still in
relationship Not available to meet
my needs
Might go back to his
wife Long distance

Daughter resents me No romance or real

intimacy
Wife causes news storm
Doesn't know who he is
Not sober + dies yet.

Emotionally unavailable More time focused on

something that may go
Reason for leaving nowhere.

Ices me out – Again.

Back + forth – unstable

w/ emotions

29
What are my Boundaries – 1/31/19

1. Open to seeing/exploring if The last day of January – for

seperated[sic]
th
some reason the 27 just sticks
2. Open to intimacy again in future
in my head as being a great
3. No back + forth with my
emotions day. My ego always in the way

4. Needs to be sober to engage I met a woman @ meeting last

5. Being honest with me about state night + she was holding a baby –
of affairs – is he really unhappy
2 months old. She doesn't look like
6.
me, don't know how educated,

just totally different. Yet she

helped me more today than anyone

has – maybe I was ready to

receive it all. I am so

grateful. I feel as if a weight

has been lifted. One day @

a time.
30
2/1/19
Tomorrow I already have my day
February! Hooray. That much closer
planned – Getting up in the am –
to spring... although I need to
9am + going to the gym –
stay present. And be grateful for
then home to shower –
today. I had some up's + down's
9am – gym
today. Started the day with boxing! 10am – Shower/home
11:30am – Lunch @ men's house
Which was incredible. Going to 2:45pm – Single process + blow out
5pm – Dinner?
go Sunday as well. And next 7 or 8pm – Meeting
Hang with Neil?
Wednesday + Friday. Kevin + I
Sunday
are having a therapy session
7:30am – gym/boxing
next week which will be difficult. – Beach with Beau
11:30am – Brunch @ women's house
+ super ackward[sic]. But it will provide Beach during the day
Meeting @ some point –
me with closure that is needed. 5:30pm – Dinner
Superbowl @ guy's house
I am going to head to meeting
Monday
tonight @ 7pm – Marshalls for
Clinical schedule.
clothes + then maybe a movie?
31
When I leave – I love so hard. was almost a year + that was

And I get focused on them – their horribly painful due to the diagnosis.

love. Their need for me to be I haven't been sober in so fucking

loved. Their validation. Their long + need to get sober +

something... stay this way... long enough to

Here I am talking about another find inner peace + happiness.

man when I am married! It all I am worth it. I am 37 years

feels strange. And disjointed. But old + this needs to happen – I

what is the common theme in my can't waste any more time.

life? That I keep relapsing + I I got my ass to shabbat

just can't this time around. I need dinner – meet Darien + Sunny.

to stay sober long enough to see She is the sweetest little girl –

the light @ the end of the tunnel. She drew me a rainbow – I

I keep relapsing over + over thought about how nice it will be

again. The longest period of sobriety to one day have children –

32
Reframing my life. I have struggled for control –

2/2/19 for absolutes. For some assurances

Early morning – the sun has not that I will never get as long as I

yet shown it's shine. To thine keep struggling. I do know that I

own self be true. I have to would like to quit smoking for my

continue to walk in faith – that health.

everything should be exactly 2/4/19

how it's meant to be. It is one Hunter's Birthday. Yesterday was

week today + I'm feeling more Beau's Birthday – had a beautiful

settled – in that knowing. God has day @ the beach + in the sun

a plan for me – one that I can't followed by a meeting and

know right now. And that's all blew out a candle after the

I need to know – for now. meditations where I prayed for

him. Things with Kevin have

been really friendly + stable

→
33
He actually text me the first group although I don't want to –

time last night to tell me he is started hanging out with a new

glad I had a good day on Beau's guy, Eric, who has been through

Birthday. I have a therapy a lot and is clean + sober these

session with him tomorrow which days. He lives in Florida. And

makes me nervous but think will he is so cute... has his own style

provide closure for both of us – it's and swag. It's been refreshing

been a rollercoaster[sic] of a ride – to be able to kiss another man –

I guess tonight I will figure he is a great kisser. And he is

out what I want to ask + calming + sweet. I can tell we

what I want to say... both could fall for one another –

He is home today signing papers And that's a little scary but

for his new house. I am taking it day by day b/c you

staying an extra week + will never know what the future holds –

go home next Monday after I'm thinking about a move

34
 $ 45,200. Moving to Florida
Pro's 8 Con's 9
down to Florida to get my 6
Recovery community Away from Athena
months under my belt. I could
Weather Away from family
wrap things up @ home + make
Time to be w/ Family drama
a move. But I'm going to stay people who don't
use
in the present. Stay in today
Away from family
I have a lot of work to do drama

in the next week + am going to Space to focus on

only me
focus on getting it done.
Leaving job Leaving job
Babs leaves on Wednesday – I
Time/space to figure Don't move for a man
am so grateful for her friendship – out marriage

she has been my rock + keeps me Sponsor here

happy. I'll finish out the week

here + then go home –

35
 I honestly think he is out of my

system – the man who he was –

with me – is no longer. Neil had

a meltdown + said I was putting

others @ risk, was full of shit about

my own recovery, and couldn't be

in my life anymore – take care.

What I realize is that I've been

trying to re-create a relationship

with my brother that is no longer

in existence. I need to confide

in women and not men.

Started spending time with Eric –

I like my time with him. He

is easy, fun, smart, sweet +

36
gives attention that I know I I know that Eric does but also

need. It's like each relationship know that Eric isn't ready for

get me closer to where I want to a relationship + has been known

be. Showing me more + more of to drift outside. I am not sure

what I want. I won't see him what to do with how I am feeling

tonight. And that's ok b/c I'm other than focus on myself +

exhausted + I'm sure Neil has let it be. I so wish I could

also gotten in his ear. Did I see him tonight – just lay with

mention that Kevin is an after him but it will be too late +

thought? Kevin gave me what I I need to prepare myself for

sexually needed but not emotionally. him abruptly walking away –

I can see now that he wouldn't

provide the love, support, + attention.

He doesn't have the empathy

needed or the sweet side –

37
2-7-19
emotions – it's not a healthy
Owning my power + realizing that
space to be.
unlimited happiness resides within.
The truth is – everything I
He didn't call last night + it worried
thought I knew – ended up not
me – became a little pre-occupied[sic]
being entirely accurate. Kevin
and I didn't like it. So today
was soulmate + we were going
I focus on continuing to own
to end up together etc... what
my power and not attach to
I know now is that feelings
him to make me feel better.
change, situations change,
He said he left phone in car
+ I am looking for stability
but who knows – I have faith
in myself. I don't know much
that I will be led to the
but do know that I am on
person + down the path that
my way to finding it.
is right for me. I am

working on letting/not letting

others control me or my
38
2-8-19
it's not what I want anymore –
What is my part in this? My part is
so maybe that's the gift in this
that I spoke to too many people about
all and the lesson that I should
my situation with Kevin. I asked for
only tell people I trust and who
too many opinions and tried to get
have my back – about anything.
validation that I am good enough, sexy
It's about being a woman and
enough, hot enough etc... And for
not the little girl. I think I
that I am sorry. It's over with
re-victimize myself over + over
Kevin and he has to deal with
again. I should never talk to men
his own drama. I don't think
about sex or any of that bullshit.
after this that I will be able to

look at him the same way

again. I am going to walk away

from this all with my head held

high. Kevin is emotionally

immature as am I – I realize
39
2•9•19 2•10•19

He came over this morning – The morning. Early mornings.

he fell asleep with his phone on Kevin didn't come to dinner last

vibrate. I over-reacted + now night – he has been avoiding me

see how I can get so ahead of like the plague – mean, cold, +

myself. In my mind, he was on distant. I guess that's his go-to

a boat with other women and and better I find out while here.

ignoring all my texts. I think he His behavior + words manipulative –

is nervous too about where this I'm not great at dealing with

goes – and I get it – but I all of this yet I have tried. +

will only do everything with kindness am trying. I keep thinking that

one day @ a time. a move down here will be good

for me – but then I question

myself.

40
I don't want to move down here What are the qualities that I

for anyone, any relationship, and know I need in a partner?

need to make sure I'm making 1. Affection

2. Kindness
the right move – literally. 3. Sweetness
4. Sweet Nothings
I trust no one. It just really 5. Humor/Laughing
6. Attraction
goes to show – you don't know 7. Intimacy
8. Passion
someone until time passes. 9. Loyalty
10. Trust/honesty/vulnerability
| good | Bad/ugly | 11. Stability but adventure
12. Adoration
Sex Emotionally unavailable 13. Intellectual curiosity
Looks Back + forth 14. Independence
Standing Not able to communicate 15. Curious about me
Appears one way, acts 16.
another

Manipulative
Contempt
Stonewalling
Cheats on wife
Gas Lighting
Ego
Not affectionate
Immature
Harsh
41
2•10•19
me like an asshole – and still
He is still in ♥ with his
I remain kind b/c that's what
girlfriend – what the fuck – honestly.
I want to be but I do know
I'm an incredible catch + don't
that I now have boundaries –
know if just trying to fill a hole –
+ no longer posses these intense
Have a difficult time being alone
feelings. They have faded away –
although last night woke up
even my desire to be around
feeling sick to stomach + that
him. And so...
I was getting sick. Wanted to
2•11•19
be alone. This recovery thing
It's manipulation has it's finest –
takes awhile to set in each time.
we will learn a great truth –
And the situation with Kevin
The plan will happen in spite of
is a blessing in disguise b/c I
us – not b/c of us. Sexual
am getting over it all. He is
abuse for sure – weak boundaries
up one minute + down the next –

he is not kind + has treated

42
The day ended up on a positive my 5 year old self. I

note. Had a great clinical day. acknowledge her but the grown-up

The lesson that I learned is I version of me is now going to

am either completely “put together” address her while caring for her.

and could run the group OR I I was given the hunger games

am the 6 year old little girl on to read as an assignment.

the bench. There needs to be Kevin is actually coming around +

a happy medium. I don't have being sweeter. It's interesting how

to be completely closed off or there are two very distinct sides

completely immature, dependent, and of me that I would like to meld

young. A good skill for me is together. Tomorrow is going to be

when I am feeling the little a great day. Getting up early,

meditating –
girl want to respond – I boxing, full clinical day and

acknowledge her. “I am Ashley meeting with sponsor – then

Blazer Biden + I recognize meeting – business meeting.

43
I probably won't see Eric tomorrow The transition will be difficult

+ I'm ok with that. It's getting for me – this I know for sure –

easier to find my time + space – But I have much to do – In

with only myself. I wish I the limited time here/there +

had 2 more weeks here to really it's time to make moves.

hone what I am starting to Schedule for tomorrow –

learn. But going to make the 6:30 – wake up/coffee

shower
most of my time and 7:30am – leave for gym
Hour to do treadmill, stretch +
plan on making a move down meditate
8:30-9am – Boxing
here. It's only going to be Shower
Group
temporary – although I do

love my time @ home.

I want to spend the weekend

with Eric if possible – I

will be finished the program

Friday + leave on Monday.

44
2-12-19 2-13-19
A little fearful of what's to come...
Learning to fly with half developed
Feeling anxious but that just
wings... Coming down is the hardest
means I am living in the future.
thing. It's gotten weird again –
I must remember to stay present
up + down. It's really disconcerting
in today – otherwise this sobriety
and horribly discouraging. I am
thing isn't going to work.
really trying to take deep breathes
How can I stay present today?
and relax into the woman I am
Today is all I have + I can
and that I want to be – but
repeat that “wisdom is all within”.
it's challenging for me – it's abrupt
It has been one of those days
and it hurts my feelings. I
where I know I've done nothing
would like to explore + have
wrong but I also regret some
closure around the situation – but
of the desicions[sic] I've made +
will want to see what Randal
I seriously miss how it was.
says –
Randal told me that I need to

45
let it die + that what will be – Heart palpatations[sic] – Anxiety super

in the future – will be. The only increased. Started new drug that

way it will re-ignite is if one feels really off-putting. I started

of us – both of us – re-engage. feeling that, “Please don't go –

But, I wonder if he has will I see you again?” I miss

boundaries for me. If he'd rather him already.

I not reach out in the future –

letting it go. Dissolve + taking

the lessons learned. Finding the

silver lining in all the chaos.

I keep my heart open – +

I find solace in that to hurt

was never my intention and I

deserve more than what is

being offered. I am a warrior

princess – with a lot to give.

46
2-16-19
can and/or will be going back
They say everything happens for
there. My energy levels are stable
a reason + some people only come
and feel 0 desire to smoke. When
into your life for a season.
my mom worked me up this weekend –
I know I was meant to be here
I grounded myself + I breathed –
with Kevin – to truly let him go.
it actually worked. My system is
He wasn't the man that I needed/
off but getting adjusted to new
wanted him to be. He is a descent[sic]
medications. I need to drink
man with a family that he
plenty of water + going to
should bring back together. I
use the gym later on today.
think our impulses, compulsions, +
I don't know how long + I do
obsessions brought us together +
know that I can't/won't intentionally.
gave us rose colored glasses –
But who knows he may even find
God has a bigger plan. It's now
his way back to her. We are
been 7 days since my last
so different in many ways –
cigarette + I don't think I
47
our background, maybe some of That was how he was raised –
th
our values – but we both share and only completed 10 grade.

simillar[sic] joy's + jokes + sensibilities. He doesn't have a high school

As he told me today, he is a diploma or college education

breath of fresh air. He is racist but he has a sensibility, a

but doesn't mean to be – I resilience, an attitude, and a

will educate him. As best I can – way that is so refreshing,

and we may find our values are light, and makes me happy.

too different + then we will All the education in the world

deal with that. Cross that bridge couldn't make him like that –

when we get there. He does this is what I ♥ about him.

understand that it's wrong + I

think he is willing to make

changes + open to doing better.

48
2-17-19
He is probably sound asleep but
I am pissed, freaking out, +
definitely not healthy. It makes
acting insane – thinking of Howard –
me sad but he is an enternal
my husband – with another woman!
party boy. I do think that if
It's actually not fair + not right.
that was different things may
I have been with other men +
be slightly differently. I do
it's just not fair @ all. Why am
think that he uses much more
I feeling this way and do I
than he should + could have a
need more time to try and figure
slight problem. I don't know
it out? Does this mean that I
who to approach this conversation
am still into my husband?

It's about giving it time – the

impulses – the reactions – I need

to pause. Relax – take a

walk – do something that

distracts me!
49
 Florida
Pro's Con's

Time away to Old haunts

figure out what → Friends who use
Ashley wants
Know how to easily
Recovery community access drugs

Caron therapists Family drama

Work on recovery Known for name

+ time to get
it right Philadelphia makes
hard to move on
Get away from pressure from Howard
– potential to
Con's stay in relationship

Away from family DE reminds me of

Beau
Summers away from
home Regret not taking
chance
Giving up security
(Also a pro) People, places + things

Boredom – feeling
“stuck” – “Is this it?”

50
 Monday

7am – Workout
8:30 Divas
10am – Fed Ex – send box home
12pm – Caron for notes + say
goodbye

51
2-19-19
Is Eric up to Howards or my
I've left Delray, Beach in flight
parents standards? NO. He is a
to La La Land for an exclusive
surfer – not highly educated – barely
Executive Producer dinner event. Eric
knows his grammer[sic]/ but he does know
dropped me off – had an amazing 3
how to love – how to treat me
weeks with him. He made me happy,
like I need to be treated.
made me smile, feel loved, and
He gives affection in ways I only
wanted. He was vulnerable with me
hoped Howard would. It is light +
in a way I loved – felt super
fun. I have to remember that
safe in his presence. He admitted
these were the feelings associated
to me that he was/is smoking
with Kevin – and they passed. I
pot – that his perogative[sic]. I
need to slow down + give myself
know for me – for now – I can't
time + space to breath. Maybe 6
smoke or do anything. It just
wks away from him is actually
feels too good being sober.
not such a bad idea.

52
I think I gotta slow my roll I also haven't had my period yet

a little + put the focus back on me + which makes me slightly nervous

my recovery. There are many loose but I'm expecting one any day now!

ends to tie up and I am moving This has been a really crazy ride

a little fast. I am crazy thus far – what a tragic +

attracted to his height, body type, amazing journey.

+ psyhic. All I know is that Howard/Marriage

it feels light + heavy at the Pro's Con's

same time. I'm different than ♥ one another Don't share similar interests
Guns vs. Fashion
my family. I never gave a shit Family's ♥ 1:1
No sense of adventure
about all the rules, ways, how to Value-family
Content @ Jersey Shore
be's, and make you feel less than every weekend w/ family

for not being. He reminds me No language of ♥

of Jamie Alano. Taking me back Causal[sic] user

to my first – one of my firsts – loves. Lying (white)

No intimacy
53
 Don't kiss For so long the softer, shyer,

Built up resentments quieter side of me has been in

Don't like friends/can't hiding. The sweetness that once

hang out
encompassed me + wrapped me up

left me when my brother died. All

of the affection – all the trust –

went out the window the day that

Howard went ahead with the feeding

tube. I have forgiven – but don't

What values don't we share?
think that I am able to get
→ Loyalty
it back.
→ Financial

→ Intimacy/Affection

54
Things you do want – 2-20-19

1. Affection – holding hands, kissing, Feeling needy – ping ponging between

hugging, sweet forehead
kisses, face rubs, men at this point – even though I

2. Laughing → making me laugh + am liking/interested at different

able to laugh @ me +
self times + for different reasons.

3. Motivation/Desire for reaching But feeling out of sorts. Confused.

goals/dreams
Not knowing how to navigate this
4. Spontaniety[sic] –
situation. I adore Eric but he is
5. Passion –
young, immature, and not entirely
6. Takes care of others
→ says “hi” motivated. He is my surfer
→ welcoming
dude – reminds me of Jamie Alano.
7. Social Justice
The good news is that I don't

8. Health have to make any desicions[sic]

9. Honesty now. Although it feels as

10. though I do. I put a lot of

pressure on myself to figure

55
 st
March 1 – After 12pm
everything out. If dad runs
th
4
it truly messes up everything with
2-22-19
homeboy. It all makes me nervous. Feel sad today after seeing
Howard. Maybe I do try +
But that's not happening today – make this marriage work.

I have to stay in the moment –

It all feels heavy but need to Write out plan –

keep it easy. Goals/planner –

$ 2,529.45 Money/Financial –

Work – what – where –

Financially supported – How?

● Weekly calls w/
Jonathan ●

56
2•24•19
Plan For Retreat –
Holy crap – here we go again.
1. Do I announce that resigning?
Not going down that rabbit hole –
2. Get to know you
So much has happened. My marriage
3. SWOT Analysis
is over + it breaks my heart in
4. Where we are + where are we
two, there are no feelings of going?

“I need to be with him.” –

“I need to see him.” – “I need I am letting fear control me +

to kiss him.”. I am chalking my next moves. I have to have

this up to an opps[sic] and moving faith that I will be able to

rd
on from here. February 23 – make it happen. Am I doing this

keep moving forward. Blaze. for the right reasons? Am I

I have to keep it together + making sound decisions. How will

pray that I am moving into the I know without staying sober +

unknown – what am I doing? moving on from a place of love,

hope, + clarity. Fear has taken

over me. Fear is the opposite →

57
 with + no of which keeps me
of love ♥. I have to walk in
sober. I must figure something
faith and back up a little from the
out sooner than later. Maybe I can
comfort of another man. He is so
see if my parents would give me a
easy to love – so present, affectionate,
loan? I don't know where to turn –
and loving but I know it isn't
maybe I turn to Bobby McGlinn?
the way to truly deconstruct my life
I feel as though I need $ to
I must focus on self + my recovery.
be able secure my livelihood –
The last thing I want to do is
I don't know what to do anymore.
do any of this for anyone else.
Who can help with funding?
Is this where I am suppose[sic] to be?
1. Bobby McGlinn
I am finished with my work
2. Howard
here in Delaware – I do know this
3. Mom + Dad
place is no longer safe me or
4. Babs?
my sobriety. People, places + things –

all of which I am here again

58
 Sat, Sun, Monday, Tuesday

How am I here?

2•25•19

Feels crazy. All anxiety producing.

Nothing I can do about it today. Rx – 10504159

Rx – 10453048 *
But do the best I can +
Rx – 10473818
take it one day, one hour, at Rx – 10489404
Rx – 10485587
a time. I told Kristin that I
Rx – 10608554
am resigning as ED + she was Rx – 10497336

shocked. But super supportive.

I have to have faith that this

will all work out. I must have

faith.

59
2-28-19
His phone is off. I would
Twas the night before solitude
feel responsible on some level.
and all through the house... not
I have to lean into all this
a creature was stirring, not
discomfort and find my way –
even a mouse. Preparing for the
It's just cloudy right now.
unknown... I feel like maybe I
What's going on – in here?
should get a hotel room – a little
Should I try to call him
limited on money at the moment.
back?
Babs would assist if need be.
Maybe this is my respite. But,
I'll figure it out. I'm assuming
it will feel different not having
he is still picking me up?
my own place? Why am I
I'm just going with the
going to stay with him?
flow. He was angry as fuck

tonight on the phone. I do

pray he isn't using.

60
 3/1/19

A peaceful place. It snowed

this morning and so I slept in

and missed my flight. Eric is

being bizarre – states he is sick

but I actually think he used

the other day. I can't really know

what's going on b/c I am in DE

and he isn't being very responsive.

I feel bizarrely in a space of

confusion yet peace.

Trying to find my footing –

on my own this time. Who

thought I would be single +

childless @ age 37 – maybe

I did?
61
 What do you want from this
Day one for me. It just makes
life?
sense for my life, mood, energy,
– Passionate ♥
and future. There is no rhyme or – great sex
– surprises
reason. Well there is a reason – adventure
– laughter
+ those reasons are greater than – play
– justice
my desire to use. – friends
– wide/open spaces
It really is about taking my life – restorative practices
– emotional stability
by the hands and dancing – – mental wellbeing[sic]
– fun clothes + fashion
moving to the beats of life – – creativity
–
finding my rhythm and waltzing

back to myself – my wants, my

needs, my desires.

62
I actually think he relapsed + come true and I can't do

isn't telling me. It hurts my anything to jeopardize it.

heart to think that he is using Some people come in your life for

+ that I may have triggered it. a reason, a season, or a life-time.

Boredom is deadly for me. It Maybe Kevin came into my life

is the main reason for use – for a reason; Neil came into

But not going to give in this time my life for a few seasons +

around. I have to stay strong homeboy came into my life for

during this next chapter of my the unknown. How much can I

life. With or without anyone by write out of sheer boredom?

my side + most importantly

when no one is by my side.

Sobriety is the last link to true

freedom. It's the last chance

I have @ making my dreams

63
2-6-19 2•6•19
Mercury Retrograde. Pisces. That's
First day of Lent. Giving it up
the reason and here's to a new
to my higher power. Went to
season. I did it. I changed
a meeting with Hallie + “Raise me
the trajectory of my world for
up on Eagles Wings” was playing in
a short period of time or
the background. Kevin Lenane
forever. I did something for
text that he was sorry for how
me, by me, and to me. I
he treated me. Overall today
gave myself a gift. The gift of
was a good day – I am grateful
self love + respect. I
for 1) Hallie 2) Chourus[sic] 3) Apologies
manifested it all. Those powers
4) Time 5) The strength to be
are real. And I am learning
alone.
how to use them for the

good of myself. Grateful

today. Really grateful.

64
2•7•19
I have a call with mom + dad
First full 24 hours and feeling good –
this evening @ 8pm. I have
settled. Went to a morning meeting
to practice patience + tolerance
with Hallie. She has been great
for their feelings + all that is
since I got home + I am super
said.
grateful. Let go, let God. One
2•8•19
day @ a time. It will all
And so, we start again. This
work out if I let it. Eric is
really gets old. I am getting old.
still in detox and gets released
I had to block Kiaddi b/c it
this time tomorrow. I am feeling
just isn't good for the two of
neutral with the entire situation.
us to hang out. I am red,
I'm not obsessing or concerned –
inflamed, and staying in doors
I know life will bring me what
today b/c I have to.
I need in time. It's trusting
Eric left detox + called me
the process + letting go –
this morning. He seems

65
sweet, distant, tired, and I feel different this time –

confused. It's a lot with me I feel “ok” with being alone +

moving and dad potentially doing things on my own. This

running. I'm going to a meeting shift came in Florida when I

at some point today. I will was forced to figure it out on

not continue down this path or my own. I'm not scared like I

live this wasteful life. used to be however I do

3-9-19 have moments of doubt. Am I

Addiction tears lives apart. Keeps making the right move? Leaving

people in a cycle of nothingness, behind my dog, my family,

anxiety, and worry. I am my home. I do feel like a

committed to this new way of life. change of scenery could do me

Via my actions. go but I do wonder if I

will get lonely.

66
 3/12/19
Joe Biden without question
So... we are running. Announcement
has the best chances in a general
will be in April or early May.
election. That is what the news
It is all super anxiety producing
is reporting now. I think it
but I just have to take it one
might be the road to recovery –
day at a time + relax.
I've been vulnerable + being
I know the move to Del Ray[sic]
courageous as I can be.
will be good for me to get

away + really focus on my

recovery. I just have to stay

relaxed and confident about my

decision to get really stable +

really healthy. Is a move what's

going to make the difference –

how do I know? How do I

know that I'm making the

67
right move? Literally. I'm I'm not certain they can + will

nervous that I'll get closer to Eric return. I do know that I have

+ then will have to detach from to stay away from the Devil – it

him as we move further into 20/20. only brings me more anxiety, fear,

He isn't the guy that I would + pain. There is nothing good

normally go for + def wasn't trying that comes with that.

to get my feelings all mixed up 3/16/19

in it. But it's happened + I have I relapsed. Fucking again.

to trust that God has a plan Insanity is the definition. Always

for me that I can't yet know or hoping it will be different +

see. I wish I could just go it never is. Stuck in this

back to loving + living with cycle of “Fuck my face, repeat”

Howard. Back to a settled marriage. It's insanity at it's worst.

Back to happiness, love, + joy. There is nothing to do

But those days have passed + anymore other than just

68
stop doing it. It makes no E has also been so supportive

sense. Eats away at my self- he asked if he could come +

esteem + I am isolated for stay with me for the next few

days at a time. I had all days – timing is off + not right

these plans for today + but a sweet gesture. It's kind

finally was feeling good again. of nice to have someone who

But when I feel good is when understands my struggle +

I'm in danger. The difference who doesn't shame me but

this time around was that I rather lifts me up and continues

told Elizabeth, mom, + dad to encourage me. Howard is

this morning. Mom + dad absolutely seeing someone else

worried but incredibly supportive. he doesn't call, doesn't really

I am so lucky to have them care + is pre-occupied[sic] half

on my side. They've never the time. I guess the same

given up on me. is happening for me +

69
so I can't really make a stink life + @ the same time there

about it – although I am hurt is a lightness – of doing things

beyond belief. When I think differently – finding a new way

about the fact that he didn't to live. Making it on my

come visit me in treatment, I own. Depending on myself

am actually crushed. He gave up for life.

on us the moment I went away 3/16/19

+ that's just the reality of it all. Feeling stronger + better than

I miss my doggie – wish she I was – yesterday was a

was here with me. I picked + doozy. Today I feel slightly

so that doesn't make sense anxious and not particularly

to see him. What a crazy grounded. There is the voice

transitional period in my life. inside me that wants me to

I feel so out of sorts. So get . . . . but it's never been

disconnected from my former different. It never works out

70
the way I planned. It's She has been moody + completely

insane and my ability to forget unavailable. I'm just ready to

despite negative consequences is move away from all the drama.

what you call addiction. The Going to spend the next few

restlessness is real. The limbo weeks – two to be exact – getting

feels super unsettling and I myself as healthy as possible for

long for peace. Trying to my trip down. Starting yoga

take the vain approach – that it again on Monday and hope will

negatively impacts my looks, hair, continue. Hallie + Natalie go to

face, body, and overall health Abu dabi[sic] for the Special Olympics

how quickly I forget though + so will be gone the entire week.

think it would be a good idea. I think today I will organize

When the consequences cause me my clothes + start sorting

so much pain. Angela is in it all.

rare form this past week.

71
3/23/19
@ least 6 months. It all
This day next week, I will be
feels like a little much. But I
on my way to Del Ray[sic] beach
am confident that I will do it –
Florida. I feel a little
There is a piece of me that feels
under prepared but not much I
that I should get a U haul[sic] –
can do about it. I'm doing the
B/c I have so much stuff to
best I can. I have to clean
bring. I was going to pack the
out my car entirely + pack it up
car without bags so there is
I have so many clothes so it's
more room – but it ain't going to
going to be harder than I think.
be easy! Especially with a
I think I'm going to try + get
tall guy in the car. I can do
to a yoga class today and/or
it all though + I'm going to –
tomorrow. Tonight I have
It's just figuring out who is
dinner w/ Kate Boehner. I have
driving down with me – I
to make sure I am keeping a
worry about my car getting
tight budget – 40k to last me
72
broken into. But maybe we just

drive through the night. If we

leave @ 5pm – there is a chance

of getting there by the following

morning. Plan for trip.

Sunday – make sure entire car

is cleaned out.

Monday – get car oil changed +

checked

Tuesday – Thursday – continue to

organize clothes

Friday night/Saturday – pack

the car

73
3/24/19
I will say that sobriety is
Feel overwhelmed by it all – moving
the ultimate way to go!
but in the right direction. A full
E is still trying to figure out
car to pack + a full week
his ticket home. When I
ahead. Tomorrow I head to
get to Florida, going to dump
DC for the day + then back
entire contents into trash bags –
for yoga, more packing, etc...
I am going to have to make
I would like to imagine that
@ least 3 moves in next
I'll be able to get almost
6 months.
everything in my car. It's

just the process of what I

am going to take vs. what

to leave behind. All my stuff

getting throw[sic] around – things

@ my parents vs. things @

608 vs. things on my person.

74
3/25/19
but when will I see my girl
I am feeling uneasy about it all.
again. April probably. I can't
Maybe this is how it's suppose[sic]
believe I leave in 6 days. I
to feel – feeling as if this is
am now going on Sunday –
completely normal. If I didn't
but that may change. I went
have high emotions and it's first
to the Hamilton Hotel and saw
day of nothing than this is to
the uniforms I designed. They
be expected. E has been distant –
look great! It is exciting
feel as though feelings changing –
to say the least but for some
and for some reason feel that
reason not as excited as I
it all has to do with his ex.
should be. I think it's a
I've just been feeling some
mixture of things. I'm going
type of way lately. Being w/
to go to yoga tonight +
Athena has brightened up my
hopefully even out a bit –
week and I was going to
let the zen in. I'm I making
give her back to Howard tomorrow –
75
the right desicion[sic]? Sometimes I'd like to keep it that way.

I feel like I'm making a Although it's somewhat difficult

mistake – that I should stick when E is on drugs – I want

around here + do what I need to be supportive but don't know

out of NYC – but that also how. He will either need to detox

is a little late. on his own or go back to detox

4•2•19 for a little while. I do have to

Moved in + now living in Del Ray[sic] be sober regardless + I really

wasn't the best of nights. I want to. I want this now more

used. I would like to start over than ever. Going to go to women's

+ not make this a chaotic Divas meeting in the am +

transition. But I'm getting meet with my sponsor in

organized and really trying to pm. Really trying to get my

turn it around. Today is Day ass organized + focused.

#1 without the hard shit + It feels really good to be

here. I feel free...
76
4•7•19 7•28•19

I'm pretty sure I'm going to OK baby – time to buck up. I

make it. am calling in all the troops

4•8•19 and hunker down for 3 days.

It's been 4 days without one + Today is Friday – the start of a

3 days without the other. I am new weekend and I am

starting to come back to life. fully ready, geared up, and

I am not ok with what's going in shape to take this battle

on – he has to make a decision – on full throttle. Today I am

that this will be the last time most likely not going

@ least last time here. I can't anywhere but I will say that

do this with him – wasn't what tomorrow you have no choice.

I signed up for. It's not fair You are going to start

to me or my recovery. Tomorrow working the program – following

I am getting up early + all recommendations to a T

going to a meeting.
77
and really – I'm ready for it. out from me. Processing 35
years of one way and it's
No more talk – only action.
only be 4 years of another –
No weed – possibly to get me
completely new, discombobulated,
through today but that's
piece-meal, and shattered.
medication management.
But it's about facing these new
It's going to be a great real
emotions with grace + dignity.
new start – refresh. Hold up –
That's all I can do @ this
let's do the damn thing.
point.
There is a feeling – of the

family I knew – certain smells –

sounds – an overall being

wrapped up in the coziest

blanket. Memories of past times –

when I felt safe + perfectly

content. And that was ripped

78
 Website Relaunched

→ Photos Re-touched

Press Release –
Press Launch –
th
Tuesday, June 4

*Invite people.

Fashion installation – hire

models.
“Rosana”

– Connect to John

*Built out on Hamilton

website.

79
7•16•19 Thunder Moon
I am slowly recovering from
The thunder moon is upon us –
my last episode. It's Day #3
releasing old emotions and
and going to wait some time
getting “clear” on what I
before jumping “in” again. It
want. The confusion + standstill
feels more organic to not
“ness” seems to be lifting.
focus soley[sic] on my addiction.
I am attempting to try a
But instead, to focus on
different route. The route of
my health + overall well-being.
Refuge Recovery and medical
7•17•19
marijuana. Lately, I have

been eager + excited to

engage in the campaign this

fall. My mood has been stable

and things starting to look

“up” for me.

80
7•17•19
time. Straight out of boredom.
This date deserve it's own page
Maybe this time is telling me
+ special attention! Because it
to slow down? I have jumped
has been my most productive
leaps + bounds to get here +
and happiest one for a few
why now making life complicated
months. Why might you ask?
+ stressful? Why sabotage a
Sober, Day # 4, productive +
good thing. And it's such a
non-stop since 9am. It is
waste of money, time, +
now 4pm. The full moon has
energy. I'm making serious
passed + I am really trying
progress + don't need it all
to remain free today. Why
to be spoiled away by one
do you want to do anything
quick, rash, + brutal decision.
that lowers your vibe +
How do I find peace around
makes you feel like shit!
it all? Is there peace to
You get 0 done + pick your
be found? I am going to
face in the mirror the entire
be tested tomorrow, Fri, or
81
 7•22•19 # 2
Sat and what lie am I going
Here we go again! The anxiety
to have to tell? What do I
+ worry is palpable. I realize
do? It will pass. You want it
and understand that this is
to pass... keep holding tight
my journey and I need to
+ don't make arrangements for
figure it out for myself. I
it again – no poking + prodding.
need to get clear and relaxed
Today is day #4 after the
about my own recovery. I
hardest day to overcome. Well,
think the angry @ myself –
the next few days but do you
for letting myself + my parents
want to keep having to go
down. I haven't figured out
through the “come through”
my working “formula” – I
phase – this is torture – over
don't know – I haven't truly
+ over again. Stop the
figured it out. Giving it “up”
insanity. Put it all to rest.
to God hasn't been working
New moon, new attitude, new, new.
but I guess I've also been
82
giving “in” to the urges. And I need to refocus my life +

that's the first step in getting not let this addiction destroy

“clean” + “clear”. It's sad me. It's all so sad. How

the feelings I have produced much time + energy goes into

in others. My dad cried on the same topic over + over again.

the phone saying he has the I am going to relax, do

debate in a week + “Now has what I need to + keep it

to worry about you.” And he healthy!

cried. Maybe he knows what he 7•23•19

is doing + it's worked but my A calmer day. I think the

feelings of guilt often are initial shock of my period is

overwhelming. I have to just now out of my system. The

do what is needed to stay 1 day shit period is over +

determined, strong, + healthy. now it's time to make some

It's now out of my system. improvements to my overall

83
health + wellness. It was that medical grade marijuana

a beautiful day + now might also be in my system.

absolutely pouring – thunderstorm! I have to do this not to avoid

I got a good night sleep + getting caught or failing but

saw Jody today. Josey b/c I intrinsically + internally

cancelled. Mom + dad in a want to get there. I think I'm

much better space. My heart on my way. Tomorrow's

hurt to see them so upset. accessibility + set-up allows

My mindset has begun to for me to partake but at what

change in that it's not about cost to me? What does it do

beating the drug test or for you? You end up with

using around it. It's about the following –

Red, crusted, + fucked-up NOSE
using the test as an additional
Tired, lethargic, moody,
safeguard which I am open
not thinking clearly
to – with the understanding
Unmotivated + sad.
Isolated/shame.
84
Why re-create what has been But, it would be amazing if

done to you b/c it's the only you examined your frame or

place that is “known” to me – lense[sic] – an outdated lense[sic] that

it's what I've used to cope – doesn't serve the woman you

I made a promise. A promise want to become. The new lense[sic]

to wait to use until next is that it doesn't work towards

Wednesday and to attend one your highest good. At @ least

yoga class b/tw not[sic] + then. right now – is unable to be

It's the habit of it all – done with negative consequences

my adversion[sic] to authority + to health + living. It pollutes

finding gaps in order to “trick, your mind + your body – truly.

foul, or get way”. I think It can cause damage to

I will continue for my so many parts of your

parents sake + see how the beautiful body. I sense a

next few weeks pan out. shift and it couldn't come

85
soon enough! I have so badly This is the winning Rx'tion

wanted to quit and I know and just must be done. The

it's a dangerous disease – procrastination is really wearing

but I also know that maybe on me. The imposter syndrome

my path isn't traditional. must go. The feeling of not

I by no means mean that I being enough, giving enough,

a[sic] “special”, “better”, or doing enough. Some of that is

“more important”, it just true – I'm not following thru or

mean[sic] that maybe I try getting up despite . But

something that resonates w/ I do know that's directly linked

me. And this includes – to useage[sic]. The issue is this –

– Short term medication mgmt
– Yoga Jamey has access + I love the
– EMDR for resilience
– Long term psycho-tropic first or second “hit” but
– Body work
– Moving my body! it's downhill from there.
– Learning
– Getting involved in my hood. Stay in today. Stay present.

86
7•27•19
I'm ready
The last week of July is upon
7•30•19 #3
us. What do I desire for
Today is the day – 101 – that's
the month of August?
my plan today. The medication
1. Getting involved in Pharma
is helping stay positive.
Recovery groups + obstaining[sic]
Yesterday it was an overwhelming
for that girl for the entire
urge in my body. A restlessness
month of August – continuing
so deep. What I realize is
from July.
that access to any of it –
2. Attend as many groups as
touching the embers – ignites the
possible + do the uncomfortable
fire. Once the first spark
3. Workout my body every day
it's over. The house of recovery
4. Meditation every day
is burnt down. So – it's the only
5. Relax into the unknown
way to get rid of all contacts.
6. Sort thru confining emotions
So I know what I must do.

87
The other reason is finances – This weekend, I want to do

down to the wire. something that increases my

It's a good day and I will wellness.

keep on this journey. What's the 1. Foundation #5

difference this time around – 1/2 body weight ounces

new perspective. Wanting to 10 grips

be well. It's that time – and 2. Eat breakfast asap

what a wonderful time it is. 3. Reduce sodium + sugar intake

The day was a wash but I

4.
am going to keep staying clean.
1 2 3 4 5
Thur Fri Sat Sun Mon Tues
th
The 5 day is def the worst.

So if I calculate this right –

th
the 5 day will be Saturday

88
Stress addiction has created Guilty or ashamed
Money issues
Dodging/having to keep stories – Have to deal with face
Stress – Cancelling obligations
Missed appointments – Putting self in dangerous situations
Cancelling entire days due to face – Spending $
Cleaning/mess – Lying about tests (one more time)
Having to lie/dodge
Waiting for it + aftermath Worthiness
– Yes, not worthy of success
→ Day to day – am I going to ruin? or my ideas about future.
→ Crazed in moment to moment – Worthy of ♥
– Worthy of a healthy life
Dissfaction –
Fear of being caught?
It's never enough. Always wanting
more + panicking when realize – I should have feared it more
it's over.

Stealing – no.

Starting lying about addiction

since age 13
– Blatant – yes!
– Always
Lied to: mom, dad, Howard, kids/
entire family.

Lied to myself

Extend is that haven't used or can.

89
 Hurt
Resentful Why
Howard Addiction, lying, leaving
God Taking Beau Dad Hurting self, lying
Sarah Bailey Body Mom Lying, not showing up
Alyson Body Kids Being absent
Kelly Boo Hunter Not backing him up
Hallie Drugs + family Beau Not showing up, lying
Hunter Drugs + family using
Kathleen meanness + not Friends Not showing up,
being aware/ being absent
judgemental[sic] Motown Jumping
Mom Dad Athena Leaving
Dad $, control John Addiction
Howard Being able to be Matt Cheating/lying
“normal” Matt Cheating, lying
Mom Patronizing Gregory Using, $
Cousins Copying
Kids Mischaracterizing
family
Aunt Relationship w/ dad
Erin Andy + coolness
Guilana Dad comment
Harris Debate
Newspaper Spewing garbage

90
Self Hated/Judged
– Away from love – Breasts
– Weight – Butt
– Health – Body
– Looks – Face
– Picking at face – Dishonesty/not showing up
– Disappointing + not reliable – – Not being “worthy”
let self down, by letting – Don't deserve it
others down – Imposter syndrome
– Don't take needed actions to
move forward Envy
– Financially
– Reputation Kathleen – entact[sic] family
– Ability to participate in life Breasts
– Lie to self “It will be different Good ♥ – couples who have it
this time” – Kristi-lyn
– Against value of integrity People doing it – action 1
– Hurting career path Alexa – training – wish could
be that dedicated
Isolated? Connection/sobriety of others –
Courtney
That's all it did. 3 years it took People who can use without
before went out. addiction – Iva

– Crazy anxiety. “lost” Not Less than

known to self. Disassociated. – Not in awhile. But used to
Constant fear/anxiety compare self a lot to others
+ think most were “better”,
“brighter”, “more beautiful”

kind of over it.

91
Superior Physical Danger
– not really
– was a little self-righteous during – Drinking when drank[sic]
Hallie + Hunter fiasco – Bad are as
– unknown characters
Greedy – people have felt used
+ that only call or want Grief/trauma
to be with them in order
to “use” – Bullying
– Dad younger – health
Needy – latching on to ♥ relationships – Bus driver
b/c don't want to be alone – Beau's death
– Rape + sexual encounters
Selfish – not thinking how breaks – Verbal abuse
families heart
– what I want to do Physically
– missing important events – Not strong + healthy
– not being caring or present – Skinny
– Aging skin
Need to be happy... or least you – Hair loss
thought. – Fatigue + energy loss

A loving relationship + family... Emotional

My brother being alive + family
whole again – Constant depression + doubt
I need to make money – Beat self up
– Always going to be sad
Misery – No way out
– looks “yuck” – Self-hatred
– Finances!

92
Disappeared –
Sex life good – using/isolated
Entirely
– All things social or active Self – life
– Work + responsibilities
– Friendships left bruised Justin → not being true to
my values.
Misfortune
– Marriage

Different
– Isolated + alone – connected +
in love
Active/involved – isolated + not
involved in anything

Creating/building – hiding +
dissolving

Family – me, myself, + I

Friendships

Erica – damaged
Work relationships/staff – damaged

respect
Howard – lost[sic] of trust.

Shefon – absent
Brother – strangers
93
8•1•19 #4
been going at my face more
August. 2 more months in Del Ray[sic].
than usual. Changing medications
I do know it's time to go –
I must work my body out.
lack of excitement, movement, +
It's almost midnight... tomorrow
opportunity. Love Miami but think
a few hours away. Will I?
it's time to get back home
I may... but what's that about?
+ work on campaign. Headquarters
It's about the predictability
in Philadelphia – spent good
of addiction, craving, wanting,
portion of that time on the
needing, having to have –
road. The work is now. Nothing
this is all very normal +
compares to that rush/high/
part of the disease. The only
excitement of getting. I am
way to arrest this situation
searching for ways to escape.
is to sustain + by sustaining
I am actually pursuing chances/
over time, that feeling
times to do. Planning it all
is put into remission and life
out – like tomorrow. I have
unfolds due to new situations +
94
 Constant Relestness[sic] –
activities replace. It's fucking
No excitement –
science + it's also very true
8•4•19 #3
that come end of time here –
And again. It's like nothing
it's ovckle-down. But I also
I've every[sic] seen before.
need to get to the head
The hard headedness is
space where I am able to
on another level. Like I
have real clarity. I am
don't think I've ever met a
struggling so hard to
more stubborn human being.
find the will + ultimate
Is this really going to be it?
solution to this. They say Rock
Because you can't afford to
Bottom – only way to come up
continue on. Your looks + health
but I don't want to get have
are at risk. It only gets
to go that low. I guess
worse – and once that's gone
it's like this in the beginning
there is little to do to get
feeling crazy! Only Day # 4
it back. Natalie's Birthday
95
today. Proud of the young Day # 2 + to be honest,

woman she is becoming. I I am triggered. B/c of him.

feel grateful + proud to be There was a brief moment that

I thought it might be a great
her “auntie.” The girls have idea but that quickly went

been distant with me. Maybe away. The truth is that you

it's my love for Hallie + so desperately want to do it

continued support. I can't differently. Have another type

pressure them anymore to of relationship – but you can't.

forgive. Trying to hydrate + It's just not possible!

reboot my week ahead. Surrender to that reality +

Think it's fitting that Kelly maybe things will start

would take the day or turning around – b/c I

rd
rather Mane. August 3 + know that's not what you
th
30 – I kind of like the want to spend time doing –

ring of all that! Quite the opposite – but the

pull is so real.
96
 8•12•19 # ?
So, I cleaned up today.
Really. That. Was. It! It's
Eric hopefully goes on with
been a wave of emotions – up's
it. I think I'm going to be
+ downs.
home for at least a week month –
8•14•19
see how integration feels.
It's when I get overwhelmed –
And I'll spend all of September
I tend to want to “escape”
down here – focused + healthy.
+/or shut down. The feeling
8•5•19 # 6
just crept up and made me
Haked
want to “run” + smoke –

but I know that's not a

great idea/option. So instead,

I am writing about it.

I am getting anxious about

seeing Howard! It feels

a little crazy. I've been so

97
 8•30•19
used to being on my own +
I've been waiting! Silly how this
doing “me” + now have to
date has so much significance
think about others. There is
in my life. But it was the day
anxiety + not sure where it
I began the “clear vision”
comes from... maybe it's “lack”
journey that has lasted now for
of having substances – it's been
6 years. 6 years without
5 full days. It's been the
drinking + somedays I miss
longest I've gone in awhile.
it + other times, most times, I
I think it might be good for
thank my lucky stars
me to run on the treadmill.
th
the 29 would be the other

date if I can hold to it.

Wise intention. Wise effort.

Wise action. I feel like I

am able + willing – that

working girl/ceo in me – wants

98
to run recovery like a business. I have a big week + one that

Making sure I get to a meeting I am excited for – not much

everyday, workout my body, to do until Monday.

treat body with love + care. Sunday – Home in DE

– discuss money w/ parents
Do the next right/wise think.
Monday – Shore?
Am I getting closer to peace +
Tuesday – Call accountant re taxes
serenity or farther away from it?
Wed –
Tonight I will go to Refuge
Thurs –
Recovery + be amongst some
Fri –
similar peeps. I, so badly,
Sat –
want to give yoga another try –
Sun –
free my body from toxins. I

think I'm going to go home on

Sunday + head back down

Sunday/Monday evening.

99
8•31•19
lives for the better. I
Today's theme was “denial” –
miss my work – but I also
to be compassionate for others
know that, that will only
denial + keep them safe +
happen if I'm taking care
warm in comfort. That's
of myself. Today is technically
what I am going to do for
Day 4 – The next few are
ang. Howard is among the
slightly precarious – but I am
fishies! Day @ the beach
going to get through. My finances
with a book, sunscreen, +
also need to be straightened
peace, went to a great NA
out. But I am going to make
meeting today! It was @
movement in the financial
a local homeless shelter +
responsible path + now that
I was the only woman not of
my higher power + manifestation
color. I want to give back
will bring gifts + fruits to
again. I see myself directly
bear. Today I make + choices
+ positively impacting people's that positively impact
me + those I
100
9•1•19
It's gotten better – don't feel so
First day of September – usually
alone however it's still not where
my favorite month – the beginning
it should be. Been 3 weeks +
of fall. The end to a long, hot,
still haven't slept with him.
summer. I'm still trying to
Entire month @ home. It's
put the pieces back together.
been partly circumstance +
Figuring out my long-term plans
partly choice. But something
while also trying to stay present
has to give + sooner the better.
+ remind self that I'm
The one thing I do know is
exactly where I need to be.
that I spend entirely too
There are loose ends and sad
much time on my phone –
conversations ahead of me.
insta, FB, etc... so today
Getting on the same page as
I am going to take a
Howard, saying goodbye to
break + not pick phone up
Delray, figuring out financial
until much later in day.
arrangments[sic] and living set-up.
101
 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13
T W Th F S S M T W Th F

Everything is as it should be. I don't want to be here long –

14 days feels right but will have
I expect + accept great to see how that goes.
AHA
abundance to come into my life. moment decided to use – accomplished
something. No longer feel helpless
9•3•19 could, would, take action that
make me feel better.
This will ruin your entire life
Caron Detox. Being in control, when so
Tired. many things feel out of my
Annoyed. control
Feeling un-courageous
Defeated Relieved when make initial decision

9•4•19
Second day – now on unit. 14 15 16
All the women are lovely + S S M
staff has been great.
Feeling anxious as tonight is Husband – feeling no agency;
first debate on climate change. no say; avoiding feelings
Feeling horrible about what I for risk of conflict.
put/stress I just put my dad
through. Spoke to Elizabeth about debate +
The idea of being 100% sober she said he did “great” - gave
is appealing to me but foreign. specific details + said was
My life sober – what does that strong. This makes me incredibly
look like? Productive, joy, healthy, happy. A sense of relief.
purpose, passion. Called Howard and there was
no answer + so left a message.
102
 9•5•19
Right now I am just going Second day @ women's unit. It was
with the flow... a good day... I reached my goal
Feeling sad but resigned. I am I went to the gym, smoked less
here + here is where I'm suppose[sic] cigarettes, worked through reservations
th
to be. I am trusting that with AA vs. NA. August 30 will
all will work out... giving it up always be a special day for me
to God. Missing both at the but my sobriety date is 9•4•19
same time. Feeling that I so I'm using Beau as my higher
badly want to talk to Eric power. It's getting easier to
but know that this time + comprehend 100% sobriety + my
space away is good for me. long term goal is one year of
It's a re-commitment, a refresher continuous sobriety. I won't have
to remind myself that I'm not phone privlidges[sic] for another
alone. That I don't have to 2 days which sucks. But I
continue living in the obsession. guess it's better for me to
I am most likely going to truly focus on myself. The women
experience intense cravings in here are amazing. I truly
day 5 or 6. But this time I love them. Forming strong bonds.
will have a buffer. I won't This just might be the real
be able to access + that deal – only took me 15 years
two week period will be the to get here. But better now
longest I've gone in awhile. than never.
I just mapped out + the
results were a little shocking 9•6•19
I think the longest period of Feeling less anxious today. Just
abstinence has been 10 days. a little pissed at self. Feel
Since basically March. So slightly embarrassed + silly that
what is it – it's picking up the I'm back in this spot but
first one. Once I do that ultimately it was the courageous
all is downhill from there! thing to do. My goal for
103
today is to continue working out + He looks great + sounded great –
going to the gym. To hone into saying how much he misses me.
the “critical moments” + truly I miss him too. The dilemma of
get clear on what I must do to it all – but I do know that
ensure I'm not here again. it will work out the way it should/
That involves saying “goodbye” will. Think he is regretful of NOT
to some really close friends Peter, staying sober + fucking our time
Angela, Kiadii, Sheridan, Nick, together up. But it would have
Those are the repeat offenders. I been him or me. I'm actually
think for a period of about 6 excited for him to go to a
months I will have to stay meeting with me. And then I have
clear of anyone who uses. Howard coming to see me
I can contact via phone but not tomorrow. I am nervous + feel
see in person. What are my happy that he is coming @ the
“critical moments”? same time. I know this is my
– Angry at press time + will not pick up under
– Sense of accomplishment – reward any + all circumstances for a
– Feeling like I'm not being heard period of one year. Asking my
“powerlessness” higher power for signs to
– Being around others who are high help + support me in this
– Boredom; lack of structure, free extremely difficult ♥ ∆. Excited
– “Opportunity to get 72 hr time to wake up for coffee tomorrow.
period.
9•8•19
9•7•19 In bed with my coffee. Had
Today was a good day + I am nightmares all night. Dreamt I
grateful for so much. I am got with Brendan who was
finally at peace with being here with Liz @ the time. Dreamed
knowing it's the absolute best that people from my past were
thing for me. I spoke to E today. trying to kill me – the speaker
104
 9•11•19
from last night + some New
Orleans peeps. Kept getting phone The past 2 days here challenged me
calls from people who said that but I'm on the mend. Howard
they wanted to kill me + was will give me money to live for
hiding all dream. Think it was the next 6 weeks. My cold has
drugs that are trying to kill me gone to my chest – bronchitis –
today is 6 days clean + sober. I must stop smoking. Tomorrow
is the day Howard + I got
Howard came to visit – it was lovely. engaged 8 years ago. I have
First time in over a year. Sad a great feeling about the debate.
that I've been in 3 places since Tomorrow is a good day +
then. Where do we go from here? it was 8 years – it's a sign.
I'm not entirely sure. Talked to
Eric today and he seems lost 9•13•19
th
in his future plans... afraid he Friday, the 13 . Feeling really
will relapse... when I leave. down today. Off. Is it the
I can't control his behaviors – date? Is it the weather? Is
I can't control anyone but myself. it the fact that I've quit smoking?
Today is Day # 5 + I can It's been 2 full days. I quit
tell my cravings + irritability on 9•12•19. I leave here in 5
kicking in. Just gotta get through more nights. Getting through the
the next 9 days. weekend which is all about
some down time. This will be
good for me. I will read.
Do work, write letters, +
really try to focus. This is my
cross to bear. Giving it all
over + up to God. I can't
know where Howard's head is
@ + although I know he ♥'s
105
 9•15•19
me... I just don't know if we
can make it work. It sucks It's 6am in the morning – rainy
but there is not much I can do + foggy outside but bright +
right @/in this moment but pray clear inside this head of mine.
for guidance from the universe/ I had a pretty amazing God
higher power. Feeling homesick + moment/higher power moment.
I think it's b/c I'm not going Woke up at 5:30am and for
home. some reason – picked up an
article on the bookshelve[sic] –
wasn't visible just in one of
those slots. Was going to
read the “Judy Collins” article
but instead was drawn to
an article wrote by “David Black”

Not only did he has[sic] the same

DOC as me but he said a
few things that have
resonated with me more than
most. He also used like I had.

106
 Poignant Advice –
“My drug addiction was meant

to turn down that kind of

intensity. Whether it's intense

joy or intense involvement in

working.”

“Part of it was the intensity –

which sometimes is the

intolerable burden of

consciousness” – it's too much!

“I didn't give up on myself.”

“I knew that there would be

times when I really wanted

to use, but I could decide

not to.”

107
 We describe it to ourselves
“Now I am aware of the
as one thing or another
experience of suddenly having
so I'm learning more +
a silence when the reality
more how to describe that
floods in everyday. It gave
feeling not as anxiety or
me a model for experiencing
fear – but as joy.”
the world in a way that
You can feel it as joy
the intensity, instead of being
most when you are moving
threatening, becomes joy
in the same direction
producing, physiologically.
that God is moving in
Joy, + anxiety + excitement
the world.”
+ fear – physiologically –
When in opposition it feels
the same neurology is
like fear + anxiety.
going on. It's just that
When you're moving in the
our interpretation differs.
right direction it feels

like joy + Bliss”

108 – David Black
I am feeling intense sadness/ Feelings – those mother fuckers!

feeling homesick + interestingly I I think I'm going to ask to

only have 3 more nights and two leave on Tuesday morning/

more days. I may ask if I can afternoon. Or maybe I stay

leave + go home on Tuesday thru Wednesday? Going to give it

evening – not too sure I should up to a higher power + ask that the

push it or request it. What's a right answer come along...

few more hours although would be Kevin Lenane – ree no – what

so nice to go home. I think was the fucking point – it was too

it's due to me not smoking – good to be true. He fucked around

dopamine levels have plummeted. with my heart + totally used me –

They say that day # 3 is the He loved his wife the entire time.

hardest. Although I want to I blocked it out – I used b/c

look it up on the internet. of him + need to get honest about

that with someone. I don't think

109
I realized the pain that was That was a first for me.

caused today. Funny how things There were children by my side

surface. It's been a long while + on my back and Howard

since I have been sober for was my love. There was justice,

14 days. 4,5,6,7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, passion, clarity, respondsibility[sic],

14, 15, 16, 17, 18 19 20 21
love, hope, and a deep sense
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
of calm.
29 30 1 2 3
9•16•19 Continued
27
I'm going to discontinue this
9•16•19
journal after I leave here. I
Meditation with Meredith today –
no longer have use of the
she took us to the island of
past other than a reminder.
possibilities. It was surprising
I am heading into the future
what came up for me... Howard
+ leaving my addictions
was there + we were happy
behind on magic mountain.
together and I had children.
110
I have learned + processed a to health + wellness. I need

lot while here – in just the two to be there for the kids, for

weeks I've been away. I've my parents, for Howard +

learned my triggers, learned some for myself. This needed to

useful DBT skills, re-interated happen + it was the perfect

and proved to self just how good timing – divine intervention.

I can be when sober, made some I will live in Beau's honor.

good/lasting friendships, reminded I will stop hurting myself.

self of what needs to be done, I will stop abusing my body.

recommitted myself to complete I will surrender to feeling

sobriety, quit smoking! It + surrender to this disease –

will be one week when I wholeheartedly, fully, completely,

leave here + feel dealt with gladly.

some fucked up triggers/

stressors. I re-committed myself

111
9•17•19
My last full day on magic mountain. the poison + shit polluting
I am so grateful for this my precious body.
gift of recovery. I know I
have my higher power/conciousness[sic]/ It's been 7 days without a
guardian angels by my side cigarette + 16 days without
+ for the first time feel as any substances in this body
though I have myself. I have of mine. Keep going –
my own back. moving ahead to a healthier
life filled with wellness.
9•18•19
It's 3am in the morning and I
can't sleep. Went to bed at 10pm –
5 hours of sleep! I know it's b/c
I had a strong cup of coffee @
4pm and I am going “home”
today. I had a beautiful
coin out. And suprisingly[sic], Kate
said the most profound + meaningful
words. The I have beauty +
pure muscle in that brain.
I am leaving here renewed –
restored – re-energized for my
life. 16 days ago, I was dropped
off and now I am leaving
with more confidence + hope
than I've had in awhile.
I am so grateful for who I've
met, what I learned, and
who I am becoming without

112