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The Extent Of The Communication Gap Between Genders And The

Sources Of The Miscommunication

Introduction

Within the past fifty years, various researchers have studied the reasons behind the

communication gap between males and females. Initially, researchers studied differences

between the ways men and women talk on a lexical level and later, researchers such as Deborah

Tannen began to focus more on conversational analysis. The first study was down by Brown and

Gilman in 1960 who “brought the concept of ‘power and solidarity’ into the field of

sociolinguistics and identified their correlation and the pronominal usage” (Miao Yang).

In a study done by Annette Hannah and Tamar Murachver in 1999, the differences in

conversational style between the genders were explored. It was shown that women are more

polite speakers, “more cooperative, more socioemotional in orientation and more facilitating of

conversational interaction” more likely to be able to maintain a conversation than males”

(Hannah & Murachver 156). Men, on the other hand, were eager to control the conversation

topic and tended “to use language to establish status and to gain or convey information” (Hannah

and Murachver 156). Male conversations are more organized around group activities rather than

individual relationships, which women are more likely to talk about. They are also more likely to

“involve bragging, verbal jousting, and mutual insults” (Hannah & Murachver 157).

Hannah and Murachver developed a theory to account for the differences in

conversational styles and attributed it to the development and two linguistic subcultures that men

and women learn as they grow. “By the time women and men reach adulthood, they have

acquired two different cultural norms of communication” (Hannah & Murachver 157) based on

learning the behaviors and social norms of older males and females. Darlene M. Juschka also
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studied the “two-cultures” theory and determined from a study of American men and women that

the two genders have “different conceptions of friendly conversation, different rules for engaging

in it, and different rules for interpreting it” (Juschka 39). Because of the two sociolinguistic

cultures, women and men communicate poorly, even when they attempt to interact as equals.

Another theory that accounts for the difference in conversational style is the theory of the

female deficit which was studied by Juschka. Women are at a disadvantage because their

language is less forceful than men, mainly because of the styles they have learned through

socialization over the years. Women have a perceived lower status than men and therefore have a

lesser role in conversation (36).

Some scholars are hesitant to show the differences between men’s and women’s

conversational style and think that it will justify unequal treatment. There are, however, gender

differences in ways of speaking that must be identified. Without making an effort to understand

the miscommunication, couples are “doomed to blame others or [them]selves—or the

relationship—for the otherwise mystifying and damaging effects of…contrasting conversational

styles” (Tannen, “Don’t Understand” 17).

Deborah Tannen, who extensively studied the conversational style differences between

men and women, found that most people agreed with her conclusions about gender differences in

communication but are also hesitant to account for their conversational style differences with

gender because women are afraid that they will be told to change and men feel there are being

objectified by women (Tannen, “Don’t Understand” 14). Denying real differences between the

genders, however, can increase the confusion of gender roles that is already widely apparent in

this era. Men and women must recognize each other’s differences, regardless of the societal

implications, and adapt their conversational styles accordingly.

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Tannen explores the idea that part of the reason why men and women are so indirect in

their conversations with each other is because of the protection that indirectness offers them. The

main reason that couples feel they cannot be direct with each other is that they do not want to say

something that could be hurtful to others, regardless of how they are feeling (Tannen, “Not What

I Meant” 68).

There is some controversy, however, as to the findings that have been studied thus far.

For example, some critics believe that Tannen’s findings are too culturally and economically

specific to a group of people, rather than people in general. Tannen’s work is also critiqued on

the “‘dichotimization of ‘power’ and ‘culture’ as two separate, independent concepts’” (Paulston

and Tucker 200) and it should instead be researched from a viewpoint of “‘gender in

interaction’” (Paulston and Tucker 200).

This study aimed to determine the different ways that males and females in committed

relationships construe certain sayings. The difference in conversational styles between genders is

worth investigating because it will allow couples to understand the reasons for their

misunderstandings and perhaps communicate more effectively. Men and women could feel more

willing to talk about the issues in the relationship if they are willing to recognize that there is a

conversational difference between the genders and eventually, men and women will be able to

adjust to and learn from the differences (Tannen, “Don’t Understand” 17). Conversational style

differences do not account for all of the problems that couples experience, however most people

are relieved to learn that miscommunication is a natural and common problem and there is

nothing in fact wrong with their relationship. This project will determine the extent of the

communication gap between genders and the sources of the miscommunication.

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Method

Participants

The participants were all students of Marist College, which typically recruits from

families with middle to upper-middle class backgrounds. The participants ranged from freshmen

to seniors and had a mean age of 18.375. The subjects consisted of four Caucasian heterosexual

couples who had been in a relationship for at least two months. Couple A (both male and female

aged 18) had been dating for over a year, Couple B (male aged 21, female aged 18) had been

dating for three years, Couple C (both male and female aged 18) had been dating for five months

and Couple D (both male and female aged 18) had been dating for 6 months. All couples asserted

that their relationship was in good standing.

Procedure

The participants were chosen randomly and contacted via email to participate in the

study. Each couple was separated into different rooms and completed the questionnaire while

being under the supervision of the researcher. Couples had to be separated in order to assure that

honest answers would be given without any influence from their partners. They had an unlimited

amount of time to complete the survey but were not allowed to leave the room without the

supervision of the proctor. This provision assured that the couples could not come into contact

with one another and invalidate the honesty of the respondent’s answers. Individuals were

assured that their partners would not see the answers to their questionnaire.

The questionnaire consisted of six hypothetical statements that a typical couple may have

in the course of their relationship. Each statement was followed by three spaces which allowed

the respondent to consider the statement from different angles. Participants responded to the
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given statement with their intended meaning (“When I said x, I meant…”), their partner’s

interpretation of their statement (“When I said x, s(he) heard…”) and their interpretation of the

statement had it been said by the partner (“When s(he) said x, I heard…”). In this way,

participants were able to reflect on the thought processes of their significant other and see the

differences that may have existed in their ways of thinking. For example, participants were given

the statement “I’m going to hang out with my friends tonight” and asked to respond from three

different perspectives. They would write down what they meant if they were to say the

statement, what their significant other heard when they said the statement and what they would

have heard had their significant other said the statement. The questionnaire took an average of

twenty minutes to complete.

Results

Female responses to Statement #1 (“I’m going to hang out with my friends tonight”) were

very similar to one another. All of the females meant to say that they were hanging out with their

friends, and they did not want their boyfriends to join them. Intended responses (see Table A)

included “I’m going to hang out with my friends and you’re not invited” (Female C and D) and

“I’m having a Girls’ Night” (Female B). Males, when asked what they meant by Statement #1,

had the intended meaning as the females did; they wanted to hang out with their friends without

their girlfriends. The male responses varied more than the females’ did. Male A meant Statement

#1 to mean “I’m going out to do something that you won’t like and you’re not invited”; Male B

wanted a “Boys’ Night” and Male D similarly expressed a want to for “alone time” with his

friends.

Table A:
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I said…I meant:
Female A I’m hanging out with my friends-without you.
Male A I’m going out to do something that you won’t like and you’re not
invited.
Female B I’m having a Girls’ Night.
Male B I’m having a Boys’ Night.
Female C I’m going to hang out with my friends and you’re not invited.
Male C I want to hang out with my friends and not you.
Female D I’m going to hang out with my friends and you’re not invited.
Male D I’m going to hang out with my friends and I want alone time with
them.

Females and males were asked to generate an idea of what their significant other would

have understood from their statement (see Table B). Most of the females thought that their

boyfriends understood that they simply wanted a night alone with their friends (Female A and

Female D). Female B and C, however, belied that their boyfriends were somewhat hurt by the

fact that they were hanging out with friends. For example, Female C believed her boyfriend

thought that “I’m going to hang out with my friends tonight” meant “She’s going to hang out

with her friends so I can’t come”. This reflects that the female felt guilty leaving her boyfriend to

hang out with her friends.

Table B:
I said…S(he) heard:
Female A She’s having a Girls’ Night.
Male A He’s going to do something stupid/illegal.
Female B I’m not invited.
Male B He doesn’t want to hang out with me.
Female C She’s going to hang out with her friends so I can’t come.
Male C He thinks I’m clingy and wants to spend time away from me.
Female D She wants to have a night alone with her girl friends.
Male D She doesn’t want to hang out with me.

Generally, the males understood Statement #1 to mean that their girlfriends did not want

to hang out with them because they wanted alone time with their friends. The males did not take
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it personally if the female wanted to hang out with her girl friends (see Table C). Only Male C

seemed slightly paranoid, asserting that he was not invited because his girlfriend was sick of him

and “she and her friends need[ed] to talk about [him] behind [his] back”. The females, however,

interpreted the males’ version of Statement #1 to mean that their boyfriends thought they were

too “clingy” and needed space from them. Female B understood Statement #1 to mean “He

doesn’t want to hang out with me and he likes his friends better than me”. In fact, all Male B

wanted was a “Boys’ Night” though. There was an obvious miscommunication between the

males and females.

Table C:
(S)he said…I heard:
Female A He’s getting into trouble tonight.
Male A She’s going to hang out with her friends.
Female B He doesn’t want to hang out with me and he likes his friends better
than me.
Male B She’s having a Girls’ Night.
Female C He found something better to do tonight than hang out with me.
Male C She’s sick of me and I’m not invited. She and her friends need to talk
about me behind my back.
Female D He’s hanging out with his guy friends and wants alone time with them.
Male D She wants to hang out with her girlfriends.

The females’ intended meanings of Statement #2 (“I’m fine”) generally meant exactly the

opposite (see Table D). Only Female D meant “Something is bothering me but I don’t want to

talk about it” whereas the other females indicated that they were “totally NOT fine” (Female B).

On the other hand, the males either intended Statement #2 to mean that they truly were fine or

that something was bothering them but they would rather not discuss it. For instance, Male B and

D meant Statement #1 to mean that “Something is bothering me but I don’t want anyone’s help

with it/don’t want to talk about it”. Male A meant “I’m pissed off at her, but [I] don’t want to get

in a fight”.
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The females expected their boyfriends to know that something was wrong with them and

to comfort them, despite the fact that they had said they were “fine”. The expectations of the

response wanted from one’s significant other varied greatly between males and females;

generally, the females wanted to be comforted whereas the males wanted to be left alone.

Table D:
I said…I meant:
Female A Come here and give me a hug because I’m not fine.
Male A I’m pissed off at her, but don’t want to get into a fight.
Female B I’m totally NOT fine.
Male B Something is bothering me but I don’t want anyone’s help with it.
Female C There’s definitely something wrong—I’m not okay.
Male C I’m actually fine.
Female D Something is bothering me but I don’t want to talk about it.
Male D Something is bothering me but I don’t want to talk about it.

When asked what they thought their significant other understood from the statement,

most males understood that there was something bothering their girlfriends and they needed to

help them (see Table E). The females, on the other hand, understood Statement #2 to mean that

their boyfriends were upset and wanted help. In fact, most of the males wanted to be left alone

when something was bothering them. Females were trying to comfort males in the way that they

wished to be comforted; however, males were not interested in comfort. They wanted to handle

the problem themselves.

Table E:
I said…S(he) heard:
Female A She’s not fine and she doesn’t want to talk to me because I messed
something up.
Male A There is something bothering him.
Female B She’s not fine.
Male B He’s not fine and I need to help him be fine.
Female C She’s fine.
Male C There’s something bothering him.
Female D She’s not okay and I should help her.
Male D Something is bothering him and I want to help him.
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The males generally understood that the females were not actually “fine” and often

understood Statement #2 to mean that their girlfriends were mad at them (i.e. Male D’s response

“She’s very upset and probably mad at me”). Only Male A did not jump to the conclusion that

his girlfriend was mad at him; he simply understood “I’m fine” to generally mean “There’s

something wrong with her”. Female B and C believed that their boyfriends were actually fine

when they said “I’m fine” but Female A and D understood their boyfriends were upset (see Table

F).

Table F:
(S)he said…I heard:
Female A I’m angry…leave me alone.
Male A There’s something wrong with her.
Female B He’s really fine.
Male B She’s mad at me.
Female C There’s may be something bothering him but probably not.
Male C She’s really mad at me.
Female D He upset but he doesn’t want me worrying.
Male D She’s very upset and probably mad at me.

For Statement #3 (“I want to stay in tonight”), the females’ intended meaning was that

they were tired and wanted to relax (see Table G). Female B wanted to “Relax and cuddle”

because she was tired and Female D was “tired and wanted “to have a relaxing night”. Female C,

however, differed slightly, intending Statement #3 to mean “I want to hang out alone and have

sex”. Males, on the other hand, intended Statement #3 to mean that they want to have sex. Only

Male B intended the statement to mean “I want to watch a movie and be alone with you”.

Table G:
I said…I meant:
Female A You can come to me, but I’m not going anywhere.
Male A I want to have sex.
Female B I want to relax and cuddle because I’m tired.
Male B I want to watch a movie and be alone with you.
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Female C I want to hang out alone and have sex.

Male C I want to have sex.
Female D I’m tired and want to have a relaxing night.
Male D I want to have sex.

When females were asked to interpret the meaning of their boyfriend saying Statement

#3, they asserted that the males intended meaning was that they wanted to have sex, which was,

in fact, what the males meant. Females understood the hidden connotation of the statement that

their boyfriends said and knew that their boyfriends wanted to have sex, rather than cuddle

(which the females generally wanted). When the males said “I want to stay in tonight”, the males

generally believed that their girlfriends heard “He wants to have sex” (see Table H for male

responses).

Table H:
I said…S(he) heard:
Female A She wants to have sex.
Male A He definitely wants to have sex.
Female B She wants to have sex.
Male B He wants to have sex.
Female C We’re going to have sex tonight.
Male C He wants to have sex.
Female D She wants to have sex.
Male D He wants to have sex.

Males understood Statement #3 to mean that their girlfriends wanted to have sex, which

was not the case (see Table I). All in all, “I want to stay in tonight” had a lot of implications for

both males and females. Where most females intended to spend the night relaxing, they

understood that when the males said it, it meant something more. Males had expectations of

having sex when the females said they wanted to spend the night at home but the females did not

have those same expectations.

Table I:
(S)he said…I heard:
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Female A He wants to have sex.

Male A She wants to have sex.
Female B He wants to have sex.
Male B She wants to have sex.
Female C We’re going to have sex tonight.
Male C She wants to have sex.
Female D He wants to have sex.
Male D She wants to have sex.

The females generally intended Statement #4 (“You can come if you want”) to mean that

they did not want their boyfriends to come wherever they were going, but were just trying to be

polite by inviting them (i.e. Female B’s response “I don’t really want you to come and Female

C’s response “I really don’t want you to come but you can”). The male participants, on the other

hand, had mixed intended meanings. Male A and B did not want their girlfriends to join them in

their activity whereas Male C and D intended their statement to be encouragement for their

girlfriends to go out with them (see Table J).

Table J:
I said…I meant:
Female A I want to be alone.
Male A I don’t want you there because I want to do something stupid.
Female B I don’t really want you to come.
Male B It’s a guy thing, but you can really come; I wouldn’t mind.
Female C I really don’t want you to come but you can.
Male C You’re invited for sure!
Female D He can come if he wants.
Male D I want you to come!

When asked to hypothesize how their boyfriends would interpret Statement #4 (see Table

K), females believed that their boyfriends understood that they did not actually want them to

come and were mainly trying to be polite (i.e. Female C’s response “She really doesn’t want me

to come but she’s trying to be nice by offering”). Males believed that their girlfriends heard “He
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doesn’t want me to come” (Male B and D), which was mainly what the males intended, even

though they would not have minded if their girlfriends came as well.

Table K:
I said…S(he) heard:
Female A She really doesn’t want me there, but I’m coming anyway just to make
sure she’s okay.
Male A Ok, I’m coming.
Female B She doesn’t want me to come.
Male B He doesn’t want me to come.
Female C She really doesn’t want me to come but she’s trying to be nice by
offering.
Male C He doesn’t want me there; I’ll be uncomfortable so I’d better not go.
Female D I probably shouldn’t go.
Male D He doesn’t want me to come.

The females, however, interpreted Statement #4 (when said by their boyfriends) to be

offensive in that their boyfriends really did not want them to join them (see Table L). Both males

and females seemed somewhat hurt by the fact that their partners did not want them to join them

in the activity. Male A seemed somewhat vindictive in his response: “I’m coming…even though

I know she doesn’t want me” and Male D was not offended by the statement, understanding it to

mean “She would prefer if I didn’t come but it wouldn’t be the end of the world”.

Table L:
(S)he said…I heard:
Female A He doesn’t want me there.
Male A I’m coming…even though I know she doesn’t want me.
Female B He doesn’t want me there.
Male B She doesn’t want me to come.
Female C He doesn’t want me to come.
Male C She definitely doesn’t want me to come.
Female D He doesn’t really want me there.
Male D She would prefer if I didn’t come but it wouldn’t be the end of the
world.
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For Statement #5 (“Is that what you’re wearing”), the intended meaning of the females

was to tell their boyfriends that they did not like their outfit (see Table M). Female A intended it

to mean “You look fat—go change” and Female C intended Statement #5 to mean “I don’t like

what you’re wearing and you should change”. Similarly, the males intended meaning of

Statement #5 was to tell their girlfriends that they did not like their outfit and they should

change. Some males meant it more aggressively than others; for example, Male A intended

Statement #5 to mean “You are changing. Period.” whereas others just meant it to mean “I don’t

like your outfit” (Male C and D).

Table M:
I said…I meant:
Female A You look fat—go change.
Male A You are changing. Period.
Female B I don’t really like your outfit.
Male B Change your clothes.
Female C I don’t like what you’re wearing and you should change.
Male C I don’t like your outfit.
Female D I don’t like your outfit; you look weird.
Male D I don’t like your outfit.

Females believed that their boyfriends understood that they had a problem with their

outfit and wanted them to change. Males, the other hand, believed that their girlfriends

understood their statement “Is that what you’re wearing?” to mean either that they were either

fat, looked like a slut, or looked ugly (see Table N). Males realized that the females were making

inferences about the reasons behind why their boyfriends wanted them to change and coming to

the worst conclusions about themselves.

Table N:
I said…S(he) heard:
Female A She has a problem with my outfit.
Male A Wow, he doesn’t like this.
Female B Is that what you’re wearing?
Male B I’m fat.
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Female C She probably doesn’t like what I’m wearing.

Male C He thinks I look like a slut.
Female D She doesn’t like my outfit; I should change.
Male D He thinks I look ugly.

Males took Statement #5 in stride when their girlfriends said it to them, simply accepting

that their girlfriends wanted them to change. The males clearly understood the hidden

connotation that their girlfriends wanted them to change. The females, on the other hand, were

highly offended by Statement #5 and interpreted it to mean that their boyfriends thought that

they looked “ugly” or “slutty” (see Table O). In this case, the males’ beliefs of what their

girlfriends understood from their statement matched with what the females actually heard.

Table O:
(S)he said…I heard:
Female A He thinks I look fat.
Male A Is that what you’re wearing?
Female B He thinks I look ugly.
Male B She wants me to change my clothes.
Female C He doesn’t like my outfit.
Male C She wants me to change my outfit.
Female D He wants me to change my outfit because he thinks I look weird.
Male D She wants me to change.
Females intended Statement #6 (“Where were you?”) to be a sort of warning statement;

they wanted to know where their boyfriends were and who they were with, indicating a lack of

trust (see Table P). Female A meant “”What trouble did you get into?” and Female C intended

Statement #6 to mean “I want to know where you were and I don’t want you to lie”. Female B

differed from the others and meant Statement #6 to mean “I missed you”. Similarly, males

intended Statement #6 to mean that they did not trust what their girlfriends were doing without

them. Male A intended for Statement #6 to mean “You better not be flirting” whereas most of the

other males just wanted to know what their girlfriends were doing or why they were late.

Table P:
I said…I meant:
Female A What trouble did you get into?
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Male A You better not be flirting.

Female B I missed you.
Male B Where were you?
Female C I want to know where you were and I don’t want you to lie.
Male C Why were you late?
Female D Who were you with?
Male D What were you doing?

Hypothesizing what their boyfriends interpreted from their statement, females believed

that males understood it as question of trust. Female A noted that Male A most likely heard

“She’s assuming I was doing something stupid” when Female A asked where he was. Likewise,

Female B noted that Male B understood Statement #6 to mean “Ugh, she always wants to know

where I am” whereas Female C and D just believed their partners understood the statement to be

exactly what it meant—“Where were you?” (see Table Q).

Table Q:
I said…S(he) heard:
Female A She’s assuming I was doing something stupid.
Male A What an overprotective jerk.
Female B Ugh, she always wants to know where I am.
Male B He’s mad at me.
Female C Where were you?
Male C He must be mad that I was late.
Female D Where were you?
Male D He doesn’t trust me.

Females and males interpreted Statement #6 as meaning that their significant others were

either too overprotective or were mad at them. Female A understood Statement #6 to mean “He’s

trying to track me down” and Female B understood it to mean “He doesn’t trust me”. Male D

understood it to mean “She wants to know who I was with because she doesn’t trust me”. Males

and females both generally intended this statement to be a question of trust and it was understood

by both parties (see Table R).

Table R:
(S)he said…I heard:
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Female A He’s trying to track me down.

Male A She’s angry at me.
Female B He doesn’t trust me.
Male B She’s mad I took so long to answer her call/come to her house.
Female C Where were you?
Male C She’s mad at me.
Female D What were you doing?
Male D She wants to know who I was with because she doesn’t trust me.

Discussion

This study indicates that men and women most certainly experience miscommunications

in their relationships and that men and women must be made aware of the conversational style

differences between genders in order to be able to communicate more effectively. If males and

females are ever going to be able to understand the hidden connotations within each other’s

statements, it is pivotal that they learn to interpret each other’s conversational styles correctly.

The men and women in this study stayed within the parameters of the conversational

styles indicated by Hannah and Murachaver’s study. Their results that women are more polite

speakers and men are eager to control the conversation and establish status were confirmed in

this study. Men were more blunt in the intended meanings of their statements, showing that

women were more hesitant to be honest because they were afraid of being impolite or hurting

their boyfriends’ feelings. This result also supports Jushcka’s study which revealed that women

are less forceful than men in conversations.

Also confirmed in the present study was Tannen’s theory that men and women’s

indirectness in conversations with each other is a kind of defense to protect them from hurting

each other. For example, Statement #4, “You can come if you want”, showed that both men and

women were hesitant to hurt each other’s feelings. In the end though, the intended meaning (“I
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don’t want you to come”) was not always understood. This misunderstanding between actual

statements and intended meanings is the cause of many problems in relationships.

Men and women will often say a statement that is meant to be interpreted as something

completely different from the surface meaning (i.e. “I’m going to hang out with my friends

tonight” is intended to mean “I don’t want you to come”). Both males and females choose to

communicate indirectly with each other for a number of reasons. Most importantly, neither

relationship participant wants to hurt their partner’s feelings and would not want to ruin the

relationship by saying something offensive. Males and females are also scared to be completely

honest with one another when they are communicating because then they would be susceptible to

having complete honesty in return from their partner; a scary notion considering no one likes to

be criticized or made to feel inferior.

This study exemplifies the need for couples to understand and realize that there is a

communication deficiency between men and women. Couples need to be more understanding

with each other and attempt to actually hear each other. Good communication between the

genders can be achieved if males and females are cognizant of the necessity to make themselves

look at the situation in question from their partner’s perspective and respond accordingly.

The problem of miscommunication between members of the opposite sex is highly

relevant to society. Many couples misidentify their problems and blame them on an unfixable

gap between personalities when, in fact, it is simply a difference in conversational styles that

damages relationships. Males and females must be made aware of their differences in

conversational styles so that they can recognize that most of their problems are a result of this

communication gap and deal with them accordingly.

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Works Cited

Hannah, Annette & Tamar Murachver. “Gender and Conversational Style as Predictors of

Conversational Behavior.” Journal of Language and Social Psychology 18.2 (1999): 153-

174. Web.

Juschka, Darlene M. Feminism in the Study of Religion: A Reader. New York: Continuum, 2001.

Web.

Paulston, Christina Bratt, and G. Richard Tucker, eds. Sociolinguistics: The Essential Readings.

Maldon, MA: Blackwell Publishing Ltd, 2003. Web.

Tannen, Deborah. That’s Not What I Meant: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks

Relationships. New York: The Random House Ballantine Publishing Group, 1986. Web.

---. You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men In Conversation. New York:

Harper, 2007. Print.

Miao Yang, Shantou. “Married Women’s Address Form Variations in China.” Academic

Exchange Quarterly 11.1 (2007). Web.