Undisclosed Desires.

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/14810210.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Captain
America (Movies)
Relationship: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Character: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Tony Stark (mentioned)
Additional Tags: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort,
Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and
Feels, Established Relationship (but Bucky can't remember it), SO, First
Kiss, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2018-05-31 Completed: 2018-06-02 Chapters: 2/2 Words:
3491

Undisclosed Desires.
by common_tongue

Summary

" And, in a way, it is; it’s like they have always been heading to this point. Like this is the
route their lives were always going to take. Years of being separated, of Bucky not even
knowing who he was, fall away. The sun behind them clears the top of the roof, it’s rays
shining down as the morning begins proper; they stay like that, wrapped around each other
until something in Steve’s pocket buzzes. "

A Winter Soldier AU where Steve catches up with Bucky a little sooner, maybe because
Bucky just wanted to go home.

Notes

See the end of the work for notes

 reconcile the violence in your heart

There’s an emptiness to him, as he stares out across the rooftops, this used to be where he felt most
at ease, most at home. Now though, the stars face him cold and unfeeling, observers that shed no
light on the path he should take. They are the same stars he’s always known, they alone have been
his constant companions; they have given him so much, but now they shine on apathetic to his
current plight. He wants, no he needs them give him answers, but there’s nothing they can do to
help. The Soldier is fractured and broken, like a jigsaw where half the pieces are missing; he wants
to be put back together, to be complete. Day by day it’s coming back to him, slowly and painfully,
but he’s learning who he was. The wind whips his hair, a part of him, buried under pain and
loneliness, knows that this is where he belongs.

Brooklyn is spread below him, lights twinkling in the dark, their orange light illuminating dirty
windows and stained brick. Cars pass underneath the little circles of light cast by street lamps,
noise from passers-by echoes its way up to his rooftop. Leaning forward over the edge he looks
down, the street isn't busy, just a few people staggering home after a long day or perhaps, a night
of drowning their sorrows in a bottle. Part of him wishes he could do the same, drown out the days
and weeks and months in the bottom of a bottle. He can’t. He’s tried, the evidence lies scattered
around him. Broken shards of glass cover the roof, but the drink didn't put him back together, he’s
shattered into pieces and there is nothing he can do to repair himself.

“Bucky?” The voice is quiet, cautious, but it startles him all the same. Someone is standing at the
door to the stairs. He knows the man, some part of him perhaps wanted to be caught here, maybe
that’s why he ran here; maybe that’s why he’s stayed here for three days.

“Steve,” his soul knows this man, his body knows him. He knows this man as his impression is
printed on the core of him. The Soldiers, no, Bucky’s soul belongs to Steve, and Steve belongs to
him.

“You know who I am?” The man walks forward, slowly, his hands are up above his head. His
blond hair is greasy, it hasn’t been cut in a while; he has the beginnings of a beard.

“Your mother’s name was Sarah,” he feels a piece of the jigsaw that is his mind slip in to place; it
feels like coming home. “You used to wear newspapers in your shoes.” He laughs, he’s broken,
torn into little pieces and spread over the world like the people he’s killed. The lights inside of him
are out, gone into the wind, but the man in front of him burns bright. Like a moth drawn to a flame,
he feels himself being drawn to this man.

“That’s right,” the man’s smile seems to light something inside of him, something that isn’t The
Soldier, something that is James Buchanan Barnes. “That’s right, you know me, Bucky. You know
me.”

“I know you,” Bucky repeats, and somewhere deep inside of him something is laughing, something
is pulling all the little-broken parts of him together. “I know you.” He whispers, watching as the
man steps into the halo of light the security lamp has created. “Stevie?” He yearns to fall into the
man’s arms, to let himself go, to heal himself by breaking down.

“Bucky,” Steve nods, Bucky can see him properly; he looks as though he’s not slept properly in
weeks, his suit is the same one in which he fell into the river in. His hair is lank and dirty, and he’s
lost weight, which Bucky realises shouldn’t be possible. But his face, his face is hopeful and so
open; emotions play out across it as Bucky moves towards him, Bucky sees hope, fear, and love
move across Steve’s face in flashes. Bucky moves closer, so close that they’re almost touching, he
can feel Steve’s heat radiating out from him; barely separated by centimetres, they stand there for
what seems like hours, or maybe days. “We used t’ live here.” Steve whispers, his voice cracking
slightly, “D'you remember that? Is that why you came here?”

“I- I- I don’t know,” Bucky stutters, his brain feels like it’s been taken out and shoved in a blender,
it hurts when he tries to think of anything. He can’t remember anything, he doesn’t know where he
is; he feels like a lost child. Panic bubbles up inside him like water, crushing his chest, pushing on
it; he can’t breathe. Then he feels a light pressure on his shoulder, barely there, but noticeable
amongst the noise.

“Hey,” a voice, he knows it’s Steve, “Bucky, you’re in Brooklyn, New York, it is April the 14th
2014. You’re okay, you’re with me, I got you Bucky. You’re not alone, you don’t have to be alone
ever again. I’m with you.”

It helps, the voice helps, it keeps him company until his head stops spinning and he can open his
eyes again. His breath returns to him slowly, it takes him fifty deep breaths to realise he’s on the
floor. He’s crouched with his back to the wall, his knees drawn up to his chest, his arms locked
around them. Steve is next to him, far enough away to give him space but with his hand resting
lightly on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky focusses on the sensation of touch, he’s not used it and the
warmth of another person (one who isn’t there to hurt him) bleeds into his skin. He leans into the
touch, and then he feels himself being drawn into that heat so that his head lies in Steve’s lap.

“When I first woke up,” Steve takes a deep breath, the words feel like they have been weighing up
him for a long time. “When I first woke up, the only thing I could count on being the same were
the stars. Everything else had been ripped apart and changed like my world had shattered around
me, like I had shattered too.” There’s a hand on his head, moving through his hair, brushing it back
from his face. Bucky feels himself go limp, for the first time in decades he can feel his body and
mind letting go. “I used to go to the darkest place I could find and lie there for hours looking up at
the stars, picking out the ones you’d shown me, giving the others names I’d made up back then. I
used to think about the fact that back in the past, we’d looked up at the same stars together. Even
when most everything got too much and I felt like the floor had been swept out from under my feet,
or when I could feel the plane crashing into the water; even when that felt so real, the stars were
always there for me. I knew I wasn’t alone. Not when I had hundreds and thousands of lights
pointing me right.” Steve sits there, his legs stretched out in front of him, Bucky’s head in his lap.
He sits on the roof, the stars in the sky barely visible in the light of New York, he sits there as
Bucky falls apart. “It’s okay, I’m with you, I’m here.”

***

Bucky wakes up on the roof. He’s curled against something that feels like a space heater. His head
is cushioned from the ground; all in all, he’s slept in worse places. Steve cracks one eye open to
look at Bucky; Bucky doesn't think that he’ll ever see anything as beautiful as Steve framed against
the early morning light. New York is waking up around them, Bucky can hear the hum of traffic
and the voices of people going about their day. Thoughts move about his head in that early
morning way, lazy and reluctant to follow any sort of pattern. What happened last night comes
back to him slowly; he broke down and Steve put him back together, for the first time in a long
time he truly felt like Bucky Barnes. A light breeze tracks its way across the roof, making a plastic
bag shift and skitter along, rustling as it went. Birds call from the trees which are below them,
Bucky knows the birds, he’s been listening to them since he was born. Another first is how lucky
he feels, how lucky he feels to be listening to the birds now, and how lucky he feels to not be alone
anymore.

“I didn't want to move you,” Steve whispers, afraid to break the easy peace they’ve found
themselves in. “I didn’t want you to wake up someplace you didn't know. I did call a ride for us, it
should be here in a few minutes.” The hand is back in his hair, tracing patterns against his head, it
steadies him, holds back the storm for a few more moments. “I can cancel it too, but I don’t know
about you, I could do with a shower and a shave.”

“Don’t shave,” Bucky mumbles into Steve’s thigh, “I like the beard.” He can feel Steve huff out a
laugh, he feels contentment rise up inside him, dissolving the panic, and the tiredness and stress
he’s been carrying around with him for the last few years. Steve’s hand moves from his hair, down
his spine, till its stroking up and down his back; Bucky matches his breathing to the movement,
letting that push away the doubt that had slowly started to creep up.

“Alright, I’ll give the beard a try, I’m not in the army now so I might as well,” Bucky looks up
again, Steve smiles down at him. “You still with me?” Bucky nods, “good. Our ride will be here
soon if you want to take it?” Bucky nods again, he still feels anxiety swirling around inside his gut,
but with Steve by his side, he’s ready to take on anything.

“Where’re we going?” Bucky keeps his gaze on Steve’s bright blue eyes. He lets himself be carried
away by the quiet strength and confidence he can see in them. Steve has never hidden anything
from him, he can remember the nights that they would sit and talk about everything. Huddled
together under five blankets as New York froze around them. There has never been anything
hidden between; from quietly terrified confessions in the dark to rare arguments over the silliest of
things. They are brothers, friends, and Bucky, Bucky is completely and entirely in love with Steve.

“Oh, yeah, about that.” Steve pauses, a smiles a little, “I sort of live in Stark Tower, with you
know, with the other Avengers. Since SHIELD went down, Stark, Tony said that we could camp
out there. So, that’s well, that’s where we’re going. If that’s okay, I mean I do have an apartment in
Brooklyn but it was SHIELD owned so I don’t know, and I guess you sort of shot it up a week or
so ago so.”

“That big ugly building?” Bucky asks, his face screwing up, “The one that had Stark’s name
emblazoned on the front of it. You live there?”

“Um, yeah,” Steve smiles. “I already told him everything, you know. I told him and he didn’t care,
well he doesn't anymore. I told him that you and I, we’re a package deal, always were. He said that
if you were back, and okay then you could come too.” Steve looks so hopeful, he says the words
tentatively, he shrugs a little.

“A package deal?” Bucky sits up, but he doesn't break contact with Steve, he keeps himself tucked
into him.

“There ain’t no me when there ain’t no you, you know that, Buck. It’s always been like that,” Steve
cups the back of his head and brings their foreheads together, their breath mingling in the slightly
chilly air. Steve’s hand is big enough to cover most of Bucky’s head, its the same but different all
at once, his fingers are tangling in Bucky’s hair, and they’re so close that there’s barely any room
between them. “We’ve always been one, and we’re always going to be, even if you don’t feel like
you right now; I’m always going to be there, from now on. I’m not letting you go, not when I just
got you back.”

“And, Stark, he knows everything?” Bucky whispers, fear starting to curl into the pit of his
stomach, “everything? And he’s still letting me in his house?”

“He’s a good man,” Steve says simply, he kneels up, bringing Bucky with him, and pulls them into
a rough hug. Bucky feels himself let go again, in Steve’s arms, memories of his life come back to
him; things that he’d hoped were just horrible dreams, they fly past his eyes. Though he feels safe,
and warm and, something that he hasn’t felt in years, he feels loved. “No matter what, I am with
you.”

“Till the end of the line?” Bucky nods into Steve’s shoulder, he feels the embrace tighten, one of
Steve’s hands on the back of his head; the other around his waist.

“And back again,” Steve’s smiling, Bucky can feel it against his neck, then they’re laughing and
crying. Bucky can feel the last few pieces of the jigsaw slot into place; he’s not whole, not just yet,
but with Steve by his side, he feels like he can do almost anything. He’s not sure which one of
them leans forward first, but moments later they’re kissing. Both of them kneeling on a rooftop in
Brooklyn, surrounded by shattered pieces of glass, kissing like it’s the most natural thing for them
to do. And, in a way, it is; it’s like they have always been heading to this point. Like this is the
route their lives were always going to take. Years of being separated, of Bucky not even knowing
who he was, fall away. The sun behind them clears the top of the roof, it’s rays shining down as
the morning begins proper; they stay like that, wrapped around each other until something in
Steve’s pocket buzzes.

“Are you with me?” Steve asks standing up, offering Bucky his hand, Bucky takes it, with a grin
and doesn’t let go even as he gets to his feet.

“Yeah, Punk, I’m with you,” they walk off the roof together, neither of them quite willing to let the
other go, even as they get into the car. Bucky doesn’t think he’ll ever let go of Steve again, and
he’s pretty certain that Steve will never let go of him. Not while there is still breath in his lungs.
 you are the one
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

The morning dawns with hazy light, pale gold rays spreading through the room. It glitters through
the shutters on the windows, and lies lazily on the bed. Bucky turns to face the figure stretched out
beside him slightly shaggy blond hair has fallen over Steve’s forehead in sleep. Strong arms reach
for him; so he snuggles gratefully into them, valiantly trying to defy the sun’s call to wake up.

The universe seems to hum in lackadaisical harmony, for once. For the first time in a long time
ripples of contentment emanate out in quiet waves. Peace and light blanketing Bucky in warmth.
He feels almost serene in his place in Steve's arms, he feels as though he fully belongs here. The
sheets are clean and soft against his skin; Steve's bare chest snug at his back, he never wants to
leave this bed.

Their legs seem to have tangled in a heap, flushed together skin to skin. His is toe rubbing circles
on to Steve's calf, enjoying the feeling of downy hair. The man, usually standing tall is small and
vulnerable in sleep; Bucky feels almost inclined to call him cute. He has obscenely long eye lashes
that fluttered lightly in his rest, they hide the gorgeous blue eyes that Bucky drowned in so long
ago.

He twists round to face Steve, brushing his fingers softly against the baby soft hairs on his brow.
His fingers draw through the feathery strands; and he luxuriates in it, he knows not to take any
peaceful moment for granted. Steve sleeps on, breathing deeply at peace and relaxed in a way he
hasn't been for months, it is almost as though all the stress from the previous weeks has left him
suddenly all at once.

Stark Tower in the morning was like nowhere else in the universe, it seems to hum; he knows that
the walls here are teeming with electricity, and intelligence. He’d been introduced to JARVIS
yesterday, and he’s not quite sure how he feels about the AI, it feels almost like he’s being spied
on. Though, he is far too peaceful to care about that now, not from where he lies ensconced in
Steve’s embrace. Life and light filtered in through Bucky’s mind, dragging him further in to
wakefulness. His ears are no longer filtering out the sounds of the traffic that constantly clogs
Manhattan’s streets; it is pulling him in to the waking world insistently. Bucky refuses to get out of
the warm encasement he is currently in.

Thoughts start to trickle in to his mind like water from a brook, they quickly surge forward and
become a terrifying tidal wave. He isn’t thinking of anything in particular but the gears are turning
all the same, the peace of the morning is shattered into pieces. He can feel the guilt and horror of
the previous days rushing towards him like a tidal wave, he knows that he doesn't deserve the light
and warmth he is feeling now. None of the people he killed would get their rest, none of their
families would feel this warmth and happiness, so why should he? Why does he get a happy ending
when so many others don’t? He feels sick, one of those people has given him this home, he took
happiness away from that man and in return that man has given him a home. Bucky feels his chest
go tight and his breathing speed up, he can’t handle the guilt, he can’t handle the horrible things
he’s done.

“Stop. Sleep.” Steve pulls Bucky closer in to his chest, he presses soft kisses into the top of
Bucky’s, brushing his hand through Bucky’s hair. Bucky buries his face into his lover’s chest, and
tries to control his breathing. “You are safe, and you deserve this.” It’s like Steve can tell exactly
 what Bucky is thinking. “You are thinking far too loud for this time in the morning. We still have a
few hours to sleep. I love you.” Steve whispers, kissing Bucky’s forehead. “I love you so much.
You deserve to be here Bucky. You deserve a happy ending.” Bucky cries for the second time in
two days, the emotions are too much for him to handle and they spill down his cheeks and on to
Steve’s chest. “Hush, sleep.”

Steve is like a barrier to Bucky’s worries, the thrum of life and heartbeat is comforting him; lulling
him back to sleep. Bucky can feel himself start to relax, he can feel his breathing slow and calm; he
presses a kiss against Steve’s chest. Steve yawns and wriggles slightly, chest expanding and
contracting under Bucky’s cheek. His fingers card through his hair, stroking softly and deftly;
separating the strands with a gentle touch. Steve sits up just a little, enough so that he can pull
Bucky up to him, he smiles softly before pressing their lips together; the kiss is chaste and sweet.
Bucky breathes as their foreheads press together, in the warm morning light, the sun warming the
skin of Bucky’s back. Steve’s hands move them so they’re lying down again, Bucky is tucked
under Steve’s chin. He is completely wrapped up in Steve’s arms, they are loose enough so that he
could break away if he wanted, but tight enough that he feels completely bundled up; his only
feeling is that of being warm. Bucky feels so safe and so loved in that moment that he once again
drifts off in to unconsciousness.

Steve Rogers is sure that, in that moment, there is no more beautiful a sight than his sleeping lover.
Save for maybe his lover awake. He smiles and presses a soft kiss into Bucky’s hair, vowing to
never let him go again. He vows to keep him safe, knowing that Bucky would do the same for him
if he ever needed it. Steve has never felt love like this, even before, he loves Bucky so much that it
is sometimes overwhelming, but in this moment he is completely at peace as he lets his eyes shut
and sleeps with Bucky safe and well in his arms.

Chapter End Notes

Okay I just needed them to be happy... please... just let them be happy...

might add more in the future idk...

End Notes

This is my first time writing Stucky, so please be gentle, if you liked this maybe leave a
kudos, or if you want to make my day leave a comment. Idk... I hope you enjoyed this!!!

I have a marvel tumblr so come and yell at me there: @wxntxr-sxldxxr

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