4 Things Emotionally Intelligent

People Don’t Do
Give up these bad habits and your natural emotional
intelligence will shine

Most people think about emotional intelligence as a skill,

something you can build and train with practice.

And while this is partly true, there’s a deeper truth about

emotional intelligence that most of us miss:
Improving your emotional intelligence is
often about what you do less of, not
more of.

As a psychologist, I work with many people who look like though

they don’t have much emotional intelligence:

 They blame other people for their problems

 They trap themselves in cycles of stress and anxiety
 They self-sabotage as soon as they start to make progress

But it’s my experience that most people don’t actually lack the
capacity for emotional intelligence. In fact, I think most people
already have a high degree of emotional intelligence.
Unfortunately, many people are held back from using their innate
emotional intelligence by a collection of bad habits that get in the
way.

If you’d like to improve your emotional intelligence, learn to

identify these habits in your own life and work to eliminate them. I
think you’ll find that your natural emotional intelligence is not far
behind.

1. Criticizing Others
Criticizing others is often an unconscious defense mechanism
aimed at alleviating our own insecurities.

We’re all critical sometimes. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing —
to think carefully and critically about the world around us is a vital
skill. It helps us navigate the world and our relationships in an
objective way.

But too much criticism — especially the habit of being critical of

others — can lead to the opposite of objectivity: it can make us
narrow-minded and blind, especially to ourselves.

One of the reasons it’s so easy to slip into habitually criticizing

others is that it makes us feel good:

 When you point out to yourself that someone else is dumb,

you’re also implying that you’re smart. And that feels good.
 When you criticize someone else for being naive, what you’re
really doing it telling yourself that you’re sophisticated. And
that feels good.
 When you silently chuckle to yourself about how terrible
someone’s fashion sense is, you’re telling yourself how refined
your own taste is. And that feels good.

Helpful criticism is about making the world better.

Unhelpful criticism is about making yourself feel better.

While being critical might temporarily make you feel good about

yourself, it usually makes you feel worse about yourself in the
long-term.

On the other hand, emotionally intelligent and self-aware

people understand that criticizing others is just a primitive defense
mechanism. And that there are far better, more productive ways of
dealing with our anxieties and insecurities.

Without knowing it, people who are constantly critical of

others are really just trying to alleviate their own
insecurities.

Understand that criticism of others is a waste of time and energy

because it’s all time and energy that’s not getting invested in
improving yourself and the world around you.
“Criticism of others is a form of self-
commendation. We think we make the picture
hang straight on our wall by telling our
neighbors that all his pictures are crooked.”
― Fulton J. Sheen
2. Worrying About the Future
Worrying about the future means living in denial about the
fundamentally uncertain nature of life.

As human beings we crave order and certainty. And for good

reason: Our ancestors who were better at making their lives a little
less uncertain probably survived longer than those who didn’t.
We’re biologically motivated to reduce uncertainty.

But there’s a big difference between taking reasonable steps to

reduce uncertainty and being so terrified by it that we delude
ourselves into believing we can eliminate it altogether.

And that’s what chronic worriers do. They’re so afraid of

uncertainty, and so unwilling to live with it, that they trick
themselves into thinking they can make the future less uncertain
— by thinking about it constantly!

Chronic worriers live under the illusion that thinking is always

problem-solving and that planning always leads to greater levels of
preparedness. But neither of those are true:

 Just because you’re thinking about a problem doesn’t mean

you’re thinking about it productively.
 And just because you’re planning — running through countless
hypothetical future scenarios — doesn’t mean you’re any better
equipped to handle them. Often, you’re just making
yourself feel more prepared.

Worry gives you the illusion of certainty. But in the end,

all it does is fragilize you.
Emotionally intelligent people understand that life is inherently
uncertain. And they understand that it’s better to face up to this
reality clear-eyed than to live in denial about it.

Because when you stop beating yourself down with all the stress
and anxiety that comes with chronic worry, you’d be surprised
how much energy and enthusiasm returns to your life.

When you stop insisting that the world act the way you
want it to tomorrow, it becomes far easier to work with
the world you’ve got today.
“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its
sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie Ten Boom

3. Ruminating on the Past

Ruminating on past mistakes is a misguided attempt at control.

Just like we humans crave order and certainty, we also crave

control. We’re obsessed with the idea that, with enough effort and
perseverance, we can do or achieve anything.

Of course, most people who get stuck ruminating endlessly on past

mistakes and failures don’t actually belief that they can change the
past. Instead, ruminating about the past gives the them the
illusion of control, however fleeting and temporary.

When you’ve done something bad or made a mistake in the past,

you naturally feel guilt and regret. Chronic ruminators develop the
unconscious habit of constantly replaying past mistakes because it
briefly gives them a feeling of control. And feeling in control helps
distract from feeling helpless — which is what we really are when it
comes to past mistakes.

In reality, no amount of rumination or analysis of your mast

mistakes will change what happened. Which means helplessness
and powerlessness are inevitable.

This is a hard fact of life that emotionally intelligent people not

only understand, but accept.

If you want to move on with your life instead of staying

stuck in the past, you must accept the past for what it is—
including feeling helpless.

You must give up the choice to endlessly revisit it, no matter how
much it distracts you from your real pain — the pain of
helplessness.

When in doubt, take action in the present instead of dwelling on

the past. Do something useful, right now, now matter how small —
and resist the temptation to replay yet another scene from your
past.

Don’t give up control over your future by pretending you

can control the past.
“To think too much is a disease.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky
4. Maintaining Unrealistic
Expectations
Unrealistic expectations are a misguided attempt to control other
people.

Just like ruminating is an attempt to control the past and how we

feel about it, maintaining unrealistic expectations is usually a
subtle attempt to control other people.

Of course, most people with unrealistic expectations don’t see it

that way. You probably see your expectations of other people as a
good thing: Having high expectations for people encourages
them to grow and mature and become their best self!

Maybe, but this is still a subtle form of control. You have an idea
for what another person in your life should be or do or accomplish
and your expectation is your way of trying to make it happen.

But what does it mean, exactly, to maintain an unrealistic

expectation?

Simply put, it means you spend time crafting stories in your head
about what other people should do. And when they inevitably fail
to live up to those standards, you reflexively compare reality to
those expectations and feel frustrated and disappointed.

And how do you respond to this frustration and disappointment?

By creating even stronger and more elaborate expectations,
because it makes you feel good and in control!
Look, of course you care about the people in your life and want the
best for them. And it pains you to see them hurting or struggling
or suffering. So, when you create a story in your mind about them
succeeding and doing better (i.e. an expectation) you feel a little
better.

The problem is, you can’t actually control other people, even for
the better. Not nearly as much as you would like, anyway. Which
means you create a constant vicious cycle of sky-high hopes and
grave disappointments and frustrations.

What’s more, eventually your attempts at control begin to be felt

by the people in your life and they become resentful. And if it goes
on long enough, they may even act contrary to your expectations
simply out of spite!

The solution is to let go of your expectations. Stop creating stories

about what you want for other people. And instead, just be present
for the person they are:

 Validate their current struggles instead of daydreaming about

their future successes.
 Set real boundaries on their behavior instead of wishing for
perfection.
 Meet them where they are instead of where you want them to
be.

Hang on to your hopes but let go of your expectations.

“He was swimming in a sea of other people’s
expectations. Men had drowned in seas like
that.”
― Robert Jordan

All You Need to Know

If you want to increase your emotional intelligence, try
approaching the problem backwards: Instead of trying to improve
your emotional intelligence skills, strive to identify and eliminate
the habits that are interfering with your natural emotional
intelligence in the first place.

Stop criticizing others.

Stop worrying about the future.

Stop ruminating on the past.

Stop expecting too much of others.